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How do you get an elderly parent to take a bath or shower, when they refuse to do so? Do you have any ideas or suggestions that would help me? My brother and I are at our wits end with this problem. Thank you for any help you may have.
Happy I found this board. My mom has been depressed for over 2 years and lives with me, it has been recurrent, but this time she has not come out of it. She just wants to stay in bed all the time, and the last time she was in a hospital, they dehydrated her and drugged her until she fell out of a wheelchair and broke 2 bones. She never wants to take a bath, the last one was in July 2009, it is now Nov 2010. The last one I herniated a disc trying to drag her into the bathroom. Today I tried for 90 minutes and yes she smells. I usually attack her with a washcloth or soak her feet, but the rest of her is getting leathery and skin peeling. She has had her hair washed on occasion by understanding stylists who did scalp treatments and once by me, But I am in tears today and just can't take it anymore. She won't let anyone else bathe her either, we tried that as well.
Judy, bless your heart......you are not alone. My MIL has been living in a small house attached to our house for a yr now. Before that she was 45 min away and with my and hubby's careers (paramedic and physician) we couldn't go see her a lot. Found she was not bathing, could find her way to the store and on a daily basis would get blind, stinking, falling down drunk and pee all over her house. She is 86 yrs old! Are you in a position to hire someone to come in once or twice a week to bathe her? She needs to be evaluated by a physician, put on medication for depression, and possibly placed in a nursing facility or have someone come in to help you. I am on forced medical retirement......ruptured discs in neck and back strain. When MIL gets to the point where she needs skilled care I will have to hire someone to come in. You must be firm...firm....firm or you will get no where. There are lots of us here that know exactly how you are feeling......I wandered onto this board a couple of weeks ago and already feel like I have family that let's me vent when I need to and don't make me feel lousy when I do.......
I am so glad that I am not alone with this problem. I thought that everyones parents bathed at least twice a week and most more often than that. My mom lets me give her a bath once every 2 weeks. She does get out of bed but bathing is very very hard for her. We have a chair that she uses to sit down outside of the tub and then swing her legs over but she seldom does it unless she gets really filthy and I basically wheel her in there. It is impossible to get the water right. It is warm on her feet and cold on her body or it is warm on her body and too warm on her feet. She never ever asks for a bath and it is always a struggle to convince her to do it. Most of the time If she does get into the bathtub I have to bribe her and if I dont have what she wants then she does not do it. She doesnt seem to know what to do. I have to put the soap on the washcloth and then tell her to wash her self. Each step has to be outlined. I try to let her hold the spray so that I dont startle he with it but she doesnt seem to know how to use it and her arm -shoulder is basically frozen so she can only hold it so high. I feel like taking the whole job away from her and doing it myself but I think that she needs to do some things for her self. I am always worried about making her more of an invalid than she is.
Punk it sounds like you are going to have to bathe mom yourself. We put in one of the handicapped tubs when MIL little house was built thinking that would be ideal for her. We were letting her live independently but could check on her if needed. Well she still refused to bathe and it became a battle. Found out she was closing the door on the tub, filling it, and then climbing over the top! These tubs are made taller than regular tubs. Then find out she is scrunching herself up into the foot part to "keep warm". We found all this when the tub was pulled away from the wall. Just imagine a naked 86 yr old climbing onto the toilet then into the tub!!!!! End result was she stepped on my last nerve one day and I stripped her down, put her in the tub and scrubbed her, all the while she is screaming profanities, threatening, you name it. She now gets bathed on Wed and Sat. I do it.....she gives me no grief....she knows it will get her no where. Hydrophobia seems to be an affliction of the elderly. I have asked for the why's and no one really seems to know but it's common. The only choice MIL has now is to allow me to continue to bathe her or we will tile the walls put up a shower curtain and she can sit and spray and use the tub as a shower. This tub is so nice, even had whirlpool put in it, but she gripes about the length of time to fill it. I make her sit on the bench part, I soap the washcloth and it's getting to the point where I have to tell her what parts to wash, and then I use the sprayer and rinse her off. Thirty min from clothes off to clothes back on. Much easier..........Good luck with your mom, it's sound like you are going to have to take over the whole bathing routine or find someone to come in once a week to help you.
I let her do as much as she can and then I take over so it doesnt take all morning and she doesnt get cold. We looked into the walk in tub too but I could not get them to have one installed when they were sane enough and now everything has to go through the court so it is even harder. For my dad we had someone come in twice a week to bath him. He was on hospice and that was part of it. That worked ok but the aid laughed when she got nervous which because my dad swore at her and yelled at her was everytime she came over. My dad thought she was laughing at him and would get even madder. I was just about to ask for another aid when we lost dad. Mom is not as hard to bath and she really does not have modesty issues like my dad did. Judyjfla I would worry about skin breakdowns if she doesnt bath. That is one really good thing about having someone come in to bath them. You have a perfessional who knows what to look for check them out. Many times because you live with them day after day you dont notice the changes as much.
For those that are afraid of falling in the tub/shower why not try wearing those shoes that you wear around the pool? I'm not sure what they call them but they're NOT "flip-flops" or "thongs", etc. These are shoes that are waterproof, good grip soles and cover your foot (like the now popular "ballerina slippers").
imo you get 10 stars!!!what a great idea, I've never thought of that but my mil has trouble getting out of the tub........will find some for her.....thank you!
My problem is the vinyl floor outside of the tub. They trip on the little rugs and slide on the floor when it gets wet. There are basically an uneven surface but since my mom is unsteady on her feet anyway, she still slips. We took those little stick on things that provide grip on tubs and put them on the floor of the bathroom all over the place. There is at least one per square. This helps keep her steady.
Much like when the oxygen masks drop down in the airplane. The initial reaction might be to first give it to your child next to you. NO! You must take care of YOU first, or you will be of no use (and possibly a burden) to the one you are attempting to care for. Perhaps just take some time for yourself, to meditate, BREATHE, practice yoga, etc. Don't beat yourself up. Know that you are doing the best you can at the given moment. Forgive yourself for feeling resentful toward your parent for putting you in such a position. They don't want to do that either. It is what it is. Sometimes it really sucks.
It too is difficult for me and my mom with dementia. I have a colored bath mat in the tub and a chair. I have the wand on a long attachment so I can start from the feet up slowly. I tell her to step on the green mat, and she will after a while. Then I start with the shower wand on her feet and work up as I TALK TALK TALK, the more gossip the better, or talk about what a great mom she used to be and how she did this and that. It takes theri mind off it and works well, but IS difficult. Sometimes she will hold a washcloth for security too. good luck
This is not uncommon. Here are a few suggestions: -Do a "weekly bath" - everyday washing one part of her body using washcloths. For example, Monday wash her arms, armpits and back, Tuesday, feet and legs. Ask her to take that body part out of her clothes one at a time to wash, dry and then switch. It takes longer but they be more open to this. Sometimes you could time it during a trip to the washroom and use that as an excuse to clean the genitals. -Set up a bath schedule and use a calendar. Use incentives to get her to bathe, such as telling her she has to bathe before her favorite TV show comes on or she'll get her favorite dessert. Once or twice a week is sufficient for seniors if they are not incontinent. -Temperature - Turn up the heat to keep the bathrooms warm. Seniors are often cold when we are wearing short sleeves. If there is tile in the bathroom, cover them with a plush bath rug (watch her for falls). If you have an overhead heater, turn that on. Wear a t-shirt so you're not overheated! -Make it like a spa - scented soaps/lotions, heated towels (they make heated towel bars/containers or pluck them from the dryer) and a warm fuzzy bathrobe. -Make sure the bathroom is safe - use bath chairs, non-slip mats/appliques, grab bars. If they don't feel safe, they will not bathe. -Install a hand-held shower. Some people don't like the water spray in the face as often happens when sitting in a shower chair. This also allows the warm water to pour over them as they wash and they feel like a greater sense of control. -Use powders, body sprays, etc to help cover the body odor when you just can't get them to bathe. -If their depression/anxiety is significantly impairing their ability to care for themselves, speak with a doctor to see if an anti-anxiety can be prescribed and taken before the shower. **Always follow a doctor's advice**
And lastly, many home care agencies offer a bathing service so that you don't have to do the "dirty work". Hire them and then go out for a cup of coffee to de-stress. If you can't hire someone, ask relatives to step up for this onerous task.
My dad has become hard to get into the shower this winter...summer it was 2-3 showers a day. So I turn up the heat, tell him how long since his last shower, ( I make a note on the big calendar) and that we can't do whatever (go for a ride, have lunch, play a game, ect. ) til after the shower. Most times it works. He has stroke induced dementia.
ya i wait till she goes to the bathroom then tell her have a little struggle but i gently take her arm and turn her around -she cries the nwhole time-does not know me heck i would too
I can't stress enough how having the bidet attachment to the toilet takes away the bathing frustration. Nursing homes should have one in every bathroom. When the elder person sits down, you just push a button and a warm spray of water hit the front area or the back area. It stays on washing for a few minutes and shuts off. If the person get up, the water turns off. No more bad odors. I have been caring for my 99 year old mother for 8 going on 9 years and have learned how to keep her clean without a tub or shower(sponge), keep the odor down or away (bidet &diaper pail), and what meals are easy and yummy for her ( She loves store frozen foods). I use a traveling wheelchair to take her to the beauty shop and out to her favorite restaurant (Cracker Barrel.) She chooses her outfit and feels beautiful when we go out. She uses a walker to go to the bathroom and to her favorite chair. The doors on the house make a noise if opened so I know where she is all the time. . She feels in control because I give her two choices of outfits to wear, food for her meal, places to go, things to do etc.. She is content and so am I because caring for her is easy. She has Alzheimer Disease and is old but that doesn't mean that she has to give up dignity, security, and some control over her own life. I approach caring for her by asking myself how I would want to be treated.
My mother is only 85 but has Alzheimer's. She is resisting using a wheelchair (and I always have trouble getting it into the Saturn's trunk because the wheels catch and then fall against me and I end up getting dirty) and has a tendency to carry rather than use her cane (she prefers holding onto my arm).
What systems do you have for taking your mother to the bathroom when you are out?
Where can I find out more about a bidet attachment?
Sometimes it is pretty hard because some companies consider it handicap accessible if there are bars on the wall and toilet and the toilet is a little higher. There have been times even in the hospital when I have had to be plastered agains the wall in order to fit in there with her. I usually put the wheelchair sideways in front of the toilet. it seems to fit better that way.
I also want to know about this bidet attachment? My Mom screams if the water temperature isnt right, how do you know it will be right and where to you purchase these. I bathe Mom on the toilet now a lot because its so hard to get her leg over the tub. Her hair is another story, need help there when she isnt at daycare getting it washed. I wondered if there were a big toilet seat with a large hole because I soak the floor when I scrub her. Thanks for ideas..... Luvmom
Try a bathing/ changing privacy garment. Your mom may be embarrassed to be unclothed. Dignity Resource Council has them. www.dignityrc.org My mom was helped by having her private body areas covered.
I have an Uncle that hasn't bathed regularly most of his 86 years. He is profusely pungent, and becomes hostile when forced to bathe. The problem is he is suffering from dementia and can't be on his own. Family members are not willing to take him in with this problem. His attitude has become unbearable on this subject. He is unfortunately, not in a position to pay for adequate care. He is becoming dispondant and says he doesn't care where he goes. This is just a heartbreaking situation as he has otherwise been a decent guy.
Your elderly person may be having trouble with loss in physical or mental abilities and in learning how to change cleaning habits to accomodate these new restrictions. Get help from an Occupational Therapist if possible to evaluation new strategies.
Make the bathroom shower a comfortable and safe place by: --Installing grab bars and shower seat, hand held shower etc, as needed. --Heat the bathroom with small electric heater, if room is chilly. (Do not warm the bathroom by hot steam--will make it slippery) --Assist as needed with transfers and verbal cues, making steps and directions as easy as possible. Be prepared to take your time and be patient in helping. Remember that maintaining the highest level of independence in self-care as possible is very important in aging well--and a very therapeutic experience. Bathing also encourages habitual healthy exercise motions to continue in a functional way, in such motions as cleaning between your toes, reaching to clean areas of the body etc. Stress importance of this exercise as you help assist. --Give rewards for getting cleaned up. Go out for tea and visit with friends. My elderly mother-in-law, like many elderly, winces at the thought of getting in the shower. (Daily clean up is sponge bathing at sink in chair) But if this weekly shower event means that I can wash her hair gently, and then blow-dry and curl her hair to look beautiful again, she finds this reward worth the effort. I find this self-care time I spend with her the best opportunity for me to achieve rewards and appreciation.
I have found out that trying to get a STUBBORN, hateful, spiteful elder to do anything they are suppose to do is just STUPID and a waste of precious time. If they don't want to take a shower, let them go without one. If you can't handle the smell, go get a can of Febreeze and spray it after they have left the room. It wouldn't hurt to spray THEIR clothes with it ( while they have them on) and TELL them WHY you are spraying their clothes, it's because the clouds of Heaven are forming because they stink to high Heaven. I have found that bribing, cohersing, yelling, petting, asking nicely for my Mother to shower, eat a HOT meal when it's served, stop throwing garbage ANYWHERE she wants to, yeling and cursing and calling me names, is just a complete and utter waste of MY precious time. I now let her go as long as she wants to without bathing, she eats the meal whenever she finally gets to the table to eat it, cold I might add, and I just grit my teeth and go get the broom and sweep up the mess when I see she has OBVIOUSLY visited any given room in the house. Stop getting upset when they don't do what you want them to do, just GO WITH THE FLOW. When they ask you, "what is that putrid smell?" Respond with , it is your underarms and crotch. If you shower, that smell will go away.
sylvester18 You OWNED that one!!! It's your crotch and underarms...Like DUH?! What is the deal. you make it as warm and safe and accessible as possible do it quick let them bitch the floor is cold the seat is cold the water is cold the soap is cold!!!! NUTHIN! Pay someone to wash their ass, or let it go till the health authorities show up cause someone reported a gas leak in your house...hahaha. I mean really!Beyond really!
Many elderly people are afraid they are going to fall in the bathtub or shower. I solved that problem and have no problem at all. I bought a bidet seat for the toilet. It is worth every dollar I paid for it!! While the elderly person sits on the toilet, the warm spray cleans the bottom. I use a warm washcloth to wash the other areas and them apply lotion. The bidet is so easy to use and is good to wash the bottom a couple of times a day. All you do is run in when your elderly person is on the toilet and push the button. It will shut off when that person gets up. Some of the bidets have warm seats too.them sold at Home Depot. I got mine at a bathroom shop on sale. I found I also found that having the diaper pail close by is great for your elderly person to deposit soiled underwear. Something else to lessen your stress level. Good luck.
I love the motto/saying, "Treat others how you want to be treated." I am pretty sure no one wants to depend on somebody else to lovingly prepare all their meals, to patiently and compassionately bath them, and to creatively and regularly enhance their lives emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Nope. I can't imagine even ONE person in the universe who would CHOOSE to have to have someone else tend to all those daily living needs 24/7. I guess what is shared about those we care for (if they don't want to do whatever it is we want them to do - then just let it go) could also be applied to the caregivers - if you don't want to do what you are doing - and find that you can no longer do it in an unconditionally loving way - then make other arrangements and spend your "precious time" doing whatever it is you feel compelled to do. What is that by the way? What is it you would rather be doing than serving in the most blessed, rewarding, and important role in the world? This posting is not to anyone in particular - just the universe-at-large. :)
caregiver101? MY precious time is none of YOUR business, and to start the day off right, I will start by spending my precious time telling you what a sob you are. You have no idea who I am, or what I go through, so YOU, you judgemental, arrogant. condescending p.o.s., my comment for you is to take your opinion of me and ram it as far as you can get it up that tight rear end of yours. And this comment was meant JUST FOR YOU, not for the universe at large. /:Q
I know that all caregivers experience stress and I know that each caregiver's issues are different because the care recipient is different. I'm sorry to hear the frustration coming out and hope that better days come soon.
Meanwhile, we have people just now dealing with this issue looking for help when they see this topic. Is it possible to stick to helpful comments? Maybe start a new discussion so folks can vent?
I see both sides, but lets face it. There is a great deal in life we all have to do that we'd rather not do, and as for care-giving I am not of the sort that feels if you can't "do it with love don't do it at all..." Stuff just has to get done. It can be a blessing to be able to help a loved one..it can also be a pain in the ass... But to go around and judge others for doing it "the wrong way" really just adds to the burden. This is an ongoing issue for us all I know. Everything about it is loaded and charged with emotions rubbed raw from the stresses of the day to day of it. From the angry that you don't do it with love group to the how can I shorten this ordeal ones...there will be as many opinions as there are people in care giving situations...Try to remember when you comment that you are not in someone else's shoes, no matter how much you think you are..."No one would choose it" ? How do you know? Some people like to be waited on hand and foot crabbing and criticizing everything done for them. Some have been independent all there lives at it is a terrible blow to need assistance of any kind and they handle it with as much self respect and kindness as they are able. You just don't know who is dealing with what. But I suppose, once they tell you how it is, you are entitled to your opinion of it...but when you make a comment to them that is snappish and catty you really should expect to get the same back. You may not be teaching the lesson you think you are....
Here's what I don't understand. If I say that I hate flossing someone else's teeth or standing at attention at three in the morning to deliver a poop as if it were a baby (neither of these things bother me whatsoever) - but let's say they did. Let's say I hated doing these two things. What is going to help ME more? Having 20 people write to me to tell me "yeah, i hate it too it sucks that we have to do that" "what a disgusting, dirty job" etc. etc. etc. or "Hey, you're loved one is able to have bowel movements - that's a GOOD THING!" "You're loved one has teeth! That's a great thing!" FOR ME - hearing the postive, surrounding myself with like-minded people who are optimistic, positive, uplifting, will help ME - ME - ME more (I am not writing about the guy here who send me a "hug" with a "F.U." message in it. I am writing about ME and MY experience and view as a caregiver. If I only got messages that said, "yeah it SUCKS BEING A CAREGIVER FOR A STINKY PERSON WITH A SMELLY CROTCH AND SO I WILL CONTINUE TO SERVE HER COLD FOOD AND SO WHAT" that mindset, FOR ME, is not going to help me AT ALL. So when i wrote, if we aren't doing what we are doing with LOVE, that makes sense TO ME. if i don't want to be a dentist, a teacher, a construction worker, a stripper, WHATEVER - if i just complain to all my colleagues about it - why am i there? i can't stand to be around people who constantly complain about others in their lives. it's different if they complain ABOUT THEMSELVES and the improvements and changes maybe they need to make in themselves - but to hear people complain and gossip and bitch and insult others because of what they are or are not doing - makes me cringe. i am not allowed or able to express my true feelings here, because when i do - i get attacked by caregivers who seems to be stressed out, anger, and pissed off that HOW DARE I LOVE WHAT I AM CALLED TO DO. how dare i embrace every moment. how dare i be optimistic. just because my opinion is DIFFERENT from yours does NOT make me a person who is judging you. you go on and live your life complaining and insulting and presenting the person you care for as if he/she were a burden. go on and keep writing all that crap and sharing all that negativity with the universe. because you are the PERFECT caregiver. it's your way or no way. if your loved one doesn't want to do what you command - then F them. let them eat a cold dinner - let them smell. yeah! that's being a part of the solution. right. you can all hate me and be pissed off at me for NOT thinking it's ok to be a self-righteous angry caregiver who hates his/her role and has every right to talk about that person like they are not a person. i would LOVE to read posts from the people who are being cared for! I would LOVE to read and hear what those being cared for feel about the quality of care and love they are "receiving" from their "loved" one. Go on - continue to hate your lives, hate where you are, hate what you have become, hate the one you are "caring" for, and hate me for not high fiving you when you write such garbage about each other and those under your care. TREAT OTHERS HOW YOU WANT TO BE TREATED. for some of you - maybe it ought to be HOPE THAT OTHERS NEVER TREAT YOU LIKE YOU TREAT OTHERS.
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Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
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APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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-Do a "weekly bath" - everyday washing one part of her body using washcloths. For example, Monday wash her arms, armpits and back, Tuesday, feet and legs. Ask her to take that body part out of her clothes one at a time to wash, dry and then switch. It takes longer but they be more open to this. Sometimes you could time it during a trip to the washroom and use that as an excuse to clean the genitals.
-Set up a bath schedule and use a calendar. Use incentives to get her to bathe, such as telling her she has to bathe before her favorite TV show comes on or she'll get her favorite dessert. Once or twice a week is sufficient for seniors if they are not incontinent.
-Temperature - Turn up the heat to keep the bathrooms warm. Seniors are often cold when we are wearing short sleeves. If there is tile in the bathroom, cover them with a plush bath rug (watch her for falls). If you have an overhead heater, turn that on. Wear a t-shirt so you're not overheated!
-Make it like a spa - scented soaps/lotions, heated towels (they make heated towel bars/containers or pluck them from the dryer) and a warm fuzzy bathrobe.
-Make sure the bathroom is safe - use bath chairs, non-slip mats/appliques, grab bars. If they don't feel safe, they will not bathe.
-Install a hand-held shower. Some people don't like the water spray in the face as often happens when sitting in a shower chair. This also allows the warm water to pour over them as they wash and they feel like a greater sense of control.
-Use powders, body sprays, etc to help cover the body odor when you just can't get them to bathe.
-If their depression/anxiety is significantly impairing their ability to care for themselves, speak with a doctor to see if an anti-anxiety can be prescribed and taken before the shower. **Always follow a doctor's advice**
And lastly, many home care agencies offer a bathing service so that you don't have to do the "dirty work". Hire them and then go out for a cup of coffee to de-stress. If you can't hire someone, ask relatives to step up for this onerous task.
What systems do you have for taking your mother to the bathroom when you are out?
Where can I find out more about a bidet attachment?
Luvmom
Make the bathroom shower a comfortable and safe place by:
--Installing grab bars and shower seat, hand held shower etc, as needed.
--Heat the bathroom with small electric heater, if room is chilly. (Do not warm the bathroom by hot steam--will make it slippery)
--Assist as needed with transfers and verbal cues, making steps and directions as easy as possible. Be prepared to take your time and be patient in helping. Remember that maintaining the highest level of independence in self-care as possible is very important in aging well--and a very therapeutic experience. Bathing also encourages habitual healthy exercise motions to continue in a functional way, in such motions as cleaning between your toes, reaching to clean areas of the body etc. Stress importance of this exercise as you help assist.
--Give rewards for getting cleaned up. Go out for tea and visit with friends. My elderly mother-in-law, like many elderly, winces at the thought of getting in the shower. (Daily clean up is sponge bathing at sink in chair) But if this weekly shower event means that I can wash her hair gently, and then blow-dry and curl her hair to look beautiful again, she finds this reward worth the effort. I find this self-care time I spend with her the best opportunity for me to achieve rewards and appreciation.
MY precious time is none of YOUR business, and to start the day off right, I will start by spending my precious time telling you what a sob you are. You have no idea who I am, or what I go through, so YOU, you judgemental, arrogant. condescending p.o.s., my comment for you is to take your opinion of me and ram it as far as you can get it up that tight rear end of yours. And this comment was meant JUST FOR YOU, not for the universe at large. /:Q
Meanwhile, we have people just now dealing with this issue looking for help when they see this topic. Is it possible to stick to helpful comments? Maybe start a new discussion so folks can vent?
This is an ongoing issue for us all I know. Everything about it is loaded and charged with emotions rubbed raw from the stresses of the day to day of it. From the angry that you don't do it with love group to the how can I shorten this ordeal ones...there will be as many opinions as there are people in care giving situations...Try to remember when you comment that you are not in someone else's shoes, no matter how much you think you are..."No one would choose it" ? How do you know? Some people like to be waited on hand and foot crabbing and criticizing everything done for them. Some have been independent all there lives at it is a terrible blow to need assistance of any kind and they handle it with as much self respect and kindness as they are able. You just don't know who is dealing with what. But I suppose, once they tell you how it is, you are entitled to your opinion of it...but when you make a comment to them that is snappish and catty you really should expect to get the same back. You may not be teaching the lesson you think you are....