Bathing the Elderly

caregiver.....what got some a little "ticked off" was your comment about what we would rather be doing in our "precious time". I would love to spend the day with my family without smelling like poop, bathing, dressing, changing, feeding, being screamed at because the sun is shining.....I would like to go out to lunch without a child-like person. No one is faulting you because of the way you choose to spend your time with your loved one......but it's not fair to the rest of us when you say that we don't care, throw a cold meal at them? If you would take the time to read through posts on other threads you will find that there are hordes of us that take care of one or more parent or in-law, our lives are on hold to do that caring....we bathe, wipe butts, change diapers, clean all kinds of bodily fluids off surfaces that should never be found there.....take to appts, sometimes more than one place in a day, get screamed at, spit on, puked on.......and on and on and on. If you enjoy that daily, well I'm happy for you. Most of us didn't sign on for the job.....it was thrust at us, and guess what? We ARE doing it.......and we continue to do it daily, and well by the way, but if you think it's just a barrel of fun then you are deluding yourself.....yes, we bitch and moan, because if we didn't we would all go crazy. These people are now or have just recently cared for their parent (s) IN THEIR HOME......when it is so easy to just put them in a nursing home and walk away.
I am glad you enjoy what you are doing and it's an easy thing for you to do.....just don't point the finger at us when our opinion differs from yours............

whatever. the "precious time" wording was not mine - that was some guy who wrote he didn't want to waste his "precious time" reheating cold food or whatever else he doesn't want to do with his time for the person he is living with. so some of us have to clean up body fluids. so what. we're not martyrs. my point is - that apparently only one other person reading this seems to understand - is if you don't enjoy and love what you are doing - you are not being of service to the person you are caring for. you think being around someone who hates you and hates doing things for you and writes terrible things about you on the Internet is BETTER than being somewhere else - where perhaps more than one person can interact with that individual or care for them? i just think people ought to stop complaining and start coming up with solutions and ways to uplift and help other -instead passing out gold stars on here for those who are "putting up" with the person they are caring for. i guess this is supposed to be like a "water cooler" area at work - where all the unhappy employees go to bitch. i just don't see how it is productive in the long run. it's funny how you say everyone is "ticked off" at me - you are all judging someone different from you. someone you can possibly begin to understand. i, too, am a 24/7, at-home, live-in caregiver with absolutely NO outside help from anyone -the government, an aide, a sibling, no one. weeks go by when i don't leave the house. the last time i put gasoline in our car was in october!!
and, yet, go figure - i am happy! what a freak of nature God created in me! you are the one pointing the finger and attacking someone different from your views. i merely said if you didn't like what you were doing - do something else. make a change. i went back and read some previous post by that guy and he said he doesn't have to be doing what he is doing (being a caregiver) so why is he then when clearly he is miserable and full of anger? only he can answer that to himself. at the end of the day, we all know what is in our own hearts and our own minds.

I have to say, Caregiver101, you hit the nail on the head for me! I've always believed that if you don't like your situation, you should change it and I think that applies even more so for caregivers.

I don't love absolutely everything about taking care of my mom but I don't actually hate anything about it either. I chose to do this and I hope I am able to take care of her until the end. I won't ever get to feeling as hateful as some of the posts because I'll know before then that it would be better for me to allow Mom to go in a NH. Life is too short for me to be unhappy or her to be mistreated by an unhappy me!

I look to this site and others to help me find positive ways to handle different situations. Because of the positive attitudes of some on this site, I have learned how to deal with the difficult situations and Mom is actually happier and life is fairly calm. Whenever a new situation pops up, I just float the question out.

I don't have the same situation as you in that I do have siblings and I am able to get away once a month with my sister's help. I truly commend those of you that are 24x7 without respite and still manage to keep on the positive side of things.

So, thanks for the positive attitude and please keep it up for folks like me!!

Jollyj, Jam & Caregiver101--thanks for your honesty and positive approach. It helps me understand others in this situation. I guess I'm a novice at this since it's only been 6 months that my elderly mother in law has been with us. I am so lucky that she is such a clever and good person, even in very old age (almost 98) and really can express appreciation well.
I can't imagine not being out of the house since Oct!!! Do you knit or read a lot?

"Accentuate the positive" I is good for some. Others rather fume and grouse. I am in the fume and grouse contingent myself, but I do understand the feeling of not wanting to be immersed in negativity all the time. Nothing is right for Everyone. And we need to be careful not to assume things...I despise my grandfather for a myriad of reasons but I do not let it effect the care of safety of him. I seethe but I don't yell...and If I am a hypocrite, well I really don't care. There is a lot of crap we have to deal with in life. It doesn't mean that you have to eat it or throw it or even necessarily deal with it. Though if you say you have had enough and walk away, many would say you are a selfish bastard for not "doing everything you can..."
We all have to find our own way through, and surprise surprise...it is not going to be the same way for all of us...

Very well said, J.

Thanks miz....

Caregiver, after reading the posts by everyone, my question to you is if you are, in fact, so loving and patient at all times in all situations, then YOU could have made the choice to spread the love to those of us who are so tired and crazy, that if we did not have this sight to vent we would be of no use to anyone. I have had an absolutely crazy day and have got nothing but support and loving suggestions. Try not to read only selective posts, but I agree with all of them . And just don't do it... well what pollyanna world do you live in??? WE are just humans doing what we do, needing each other, And as long as we are talking and venting in this safe place, we are harming no one because we got honest about what we think and feel.. I understand what you are saying thinking we feed off each other with the negativity. It is not that at all. we just try to laugh about the things we can not change. I guess what I got from you, is SHAME. well there is no shame in being honest with the way we feel, and sharing it with others. I would hope that you would stay with this sight and start your own thread about being positive or what ever else you want to share. You can part of the solution, or offend others and just add to the problems. Yes, we can be a touchy bunch sometimes. but we do have each other. And there are many days without getting to come here and not feel alone, I would just get on a crying jag and never stop. I wish you had spread some of that love and acceptance to all us heathens as apparently we need all we can get.

Just because Caregiver is telling those of us who vent that we are wrong does not mean that she is right. Plain and simple. Do we always have to do what others think is right? No we don't. Shaming is about the worst thing you can do to a caregiver. THAT is wrong. We can't live our lives going by what others think. Personally, I chose to care for my mother in her home and not put her in a nursing home. Was that the right choice? To me it was. Did I give up my freedom to do so? Yes I did. Was there grossness involved? Yes there was. Did I sometimes vent about it? Yes I did. Is that wrong? Maybe yes, maybe no. Did it help save my sanity? Yes it did. Was my mother better off at home? Yes she was. So I choose not to worry about if it was right or wrong. I do my best not to judge. I think that is a very good policy for all of us to follow.

Huh? TO ME, there is right and wrong. TO ME, there are consequences to our choices, to our actions. TO ME, expressing yourself and venting about a tough day or a particular struggle you may experiencing is not wrong. TO ME, choosing words that are belitting, insulting, anger-filled, scary, and full of hatred TOWARD/about the person to whom we are providing care IS WRONG. Would YOU want someone with THAT mindset, those "true" feelings - caring for you? I don't get why this whole caregiving "thing" has to be/feel like such an awful burden and job that is hated by so many caregivers. If you KNOW that you will be a caregiver to your loved one today - this day, why not just embrace it and make the most of it? LAUGH. HUG. LOVE. FORGIVE. It's not a burden. Some people think having to grocery shopping is a hassle. Or having to get up and go to a 60+ hour job all week they hate is a burden. Or taking the dog for a walk every night is a burden. It's all on our perspective. OUR OWN perspective - not on the person's we are caring for - not on other people here on this web site. All I am saying - all I have been saying all along is - DO WHAT YOU DO WITH LOVE. Even if the person you are caring for seems like a monster - love that monster, be patient with that monster, forgive that monster. "Christ comes in odd shapes and crouches beneath the bridge" (from THAT NONE BE LOST by Dr. James Magner.
- in response to the question about how do I stay sane when weeks go by and I don't leave our property - easy - I do all sorts of things with my loved one - PT and OT therapy workouts, writing to others and about our days and thoughts, creating cool art projects, reading old classics together and nonfiction about alternative healing practices and others who are hope-filled and optimistic, praying, baking, playiing wii, enjoying the birds & squirrels eat the food we leave for them, napping, and lots of laughing and hugging. the days f-l-y by.
i am not here to judge anybody. i learn as i go along, too, but i know for certain - from my center of my soul - that if someone has been given the opportunity - has been blessed with the role of caring for another - that responsibility HAS TO be done with love and compassion. At least in my book. Have a wonderful day everybody.

I did care for my mother with love. I loved her very much and she knew it. She loved me very much and I knew it. We were very close. Was it difficult sometimes? Yes. But I did it because I loved her. She's in heaven now with Dad. That's a very good thing. She does not suffer.

Well, while some woman who is living in the land of Oz, feeding the squirrels and doing crafts with their COOPERATIVE elder, others are being called everything that is unGodly, cleaning up spiteful messes, SERVING HOT MEALS that do not get eaten and most of the time get thrown away, trying to coherse to take medication, change clothes, bathe, stop throwing food IN ANGRY TANTRUMS, etc. I have a PERFECT right to be angry about how my Mother acts. It doesn't mean I hate her, I LOVE HER.OTHERWISE, I WOULDN'T BE DOING THIS. I want caregiver101 to come to my house and I will turn over the reigns FOR JUST 2 HOURS. But please allow me to tape it so I can send it to AFV and win 10 grand. It would really be funny to watch Mary Poppins' umbrella turn inside out and see her clumsily fly off in the distance muttering silent prayers for a safe journey AWAY from the "dark place".
I appreciate the others here who do love and care for their elders, yet are not afraid to admit the down side of caregiving and VOICE it.

Since it seems we are in a war of words here, what is right and what is wrong, I would like to inform you we do all the things you say we don't do. We love, forgive(or we would not get up day after day and so this all over again), and use compassion. WE DO ALL OF THAT. We are not upset at our loved ones but we do get upset with the repition of things they do and say. Because most of us are exhausted, physically and mentally. Some do not have the finances to hire help, or even put them in a nursing home. Or the nursing homes in their area are so deplorable, they would not put a loved one in that situation. We are not bad people, and if you do not understand our humor and our close relationships with each other, then there are plenty of sight out there to fufill what ever need you have for getting on a sight to begin with. Do not get me wrong, you are welcome here, and we will love you, forgive you and have compassion for you.
You don't understand that the majority of things said is simply dark humor.

I am beginning to understand what all of the commotion is about. I found this site looking for answers and advice to help me care for my Mother who has dementia. I was not happy with the care home she had been in; she was falling, being over-medicated, ignored at night when she had to go to the bathroom. My husband suggested we bring her with us, modify our home to accommodate her needs, get additional outside help so I could still live my life, as I was not ready to sacrifice my whole life to take care of anyone, not even my Mother.
That concept seems rather unhealthy to me--giving up ones own perfectly good life to care for someone else. HUH?
Is my Mother's life more valuable than mine? Not to me. I can honestly say that in the 2 1/2 years I have been caring for my Mother-- 6 months in my home--that I have given her more love, attention, consideration, pampering, healthcare, and affection than she ever gave me in the first 18 years she was supposed to be there for me as a Mother. The outward presentation of her dementia is a continuation of the behavior I saw as a young child--her temper tantrums over ? running into the bathroom and slamming the door, yelling and screaming, scaring my younger brothers and me. At 7 years old, I would stand outside the bathroom door and beg my Mother for forgiveness for ?, to please come out, I'll be good, the boys will be good, please just calm down ( and be our mother, PLEASE!)
Do you know that now she has a similar behavior, and I must do the same thing, some 50 years later?
Who cares? Who gives a f--ing damn that I never had a healthy Mother, but now I must be a healthy, patient, loving, and forgiving, and care providing and managing daughter?
Yeah, you get stars if you are a literary genius on this site. If you put the words together just so, in some unique way. The creative mission converts our frustration into something beautiful and pleasing. If we are just kind and supportive and compassionate, we send hugs. Isn't that sweet?
I have met people here that may be passing ships in the night, or they may be my friends forever. I don't know, I can't think that far ahead. Sometimes I can't think past breakfast, feeding Mother, who actually shows more appreciation and love for me now than she ever did. I want to believe it is real, but I think it is more manipulation to continue to get what she wants. I don't know, I don't think she knows, but I know what I am trying to do is the right thing for her, and I will continue to do it until it becomes physically, mentally and psychologically UNHEALTHY for my husband and me.
It is a benevolent position to be in to care for someone who cannot do it for themselves. I am very happy her last husband provided for her care for the rest of her life--the money part. I would like to do as my sister and brother do and "zone out" the responsibility, but perhaps I am still that little girl begging for my Mother's love and attention?
Bottom line--you like this job, do it forever. You can't take it anymore, find a way to get out of it. There is no reason people here have to be hateful and insulting to EACH OTHER!
To each his own, and all that. Don't judge another for having a different attitude. As caring people--and we all are more than those who choose NOT to be caregivers-- do the best we can with our individual circumstances. I figure I am learning something from taking this responsibility, but I think that way. Someone else may not. Just say, "Oh, that's how you think about it. Interesting."
See? Everyone is just way too on the edge around here.
OBMAJ

Some people don't do dark humor period I think L...and if you feel it is a blessing to care for a loved one and supremely disrespectful to say insulting things about them behind their back, well, that is OK for you/them and there are other places for it...I think this post got away from Island's original theme, that of asking hows and whats to deal with bathing issues...We got onto a morality debate that comes up again and again. I have not really seen anyone change their opinions. The ventors' want to vent the prayers want to pray and the praying ventors' do both...I don't know. A lot of assumptions on all sides I bet, and when one is tired and stressed it is hard not to add fuel to the fire...I guess when one is certain they are right it is as well tired or not. Does it matter? As long as the person who needs care is getting it? I guess to some it does, to others it does not...and on it goes...till it ends...
So you think "God" is gonna give you one point for care giving and two points if you do it with out complaint? If it makes you happy...why not.

Jen-what it is, is that no matter what the question is, when it was posted, people vent and give their opinions, vehemently!!!
islandmz never replied to anyone!!! That cracks me up.
Are we all on stage, or what? who is lurking in the wings?

How you feel about caring for others will come back to the care taker. I keep reminding myself to keep positive because it will affect my own health to be negative and down on life. Yes, I have a little bit of dark chocolate in the morning and afternoon to lift my mood. Yes, I take a St John's wort once in a while when feeling blue. I get someone to fill in for me once in a while just to go walking at Walmarts. We all need to work on keeping ourselves shooting for the positive side of life for our own health and to preserve the dignity of the one we are caring for. Some people are having a terrible time and need those creative problem solvers to share ideas. I notice that as my mother gets more and more feeble, new problems rise up. I have been at this care taking for 8 years and have gone through anguish ,depression, and that trapped feeling that others are going through. I have searched the web for ideas along with help from my husband, have bounced back up numerous times. Now, going into the final stage, I am at the beginning of a new phase , feeling a little lost, and looking for creative ways to get through the next phase having a parent that will not be able to get up out of bed any longer.

We are not here to judge each other. At least we should not be. We should be a brother/sisterhood. Not being nasty to one another. Everyone is different and every situation is different. Period.

So, back to topic... Last week was the first time ever that someone else bathed Mom besides me. Yesterday I bathed her (it took months to get her settled into the routine without complaint) and she told me during "that feels good" and after she told me that she liked the way I do it better than that other lady. Woo hoo!!!

christina.....I didn't go very far back, but is islandmz even still around? The original post came from 2 yrs ago. Their loved one may have gone on to a better place......be that as it may I have noticed sometimes that others, when they post, are unable to see past their own situations and are unwilling to see things from someone's else's vantage point. Dark humor is a very apt term......when I commented that "put on the waders and dive right in".......we all know that a person in the throes of dementia is not going to comprehend when we beg, plead, cajole or whatever it is we do to get them to bathe, eat, etc. When I said I stripped the col naked and put her in the tub and scrubbed her clean.....I meant I took her into the bathroom, talked to her about being clean, helped her with her disrobing, wrapped a towel around her to allow her some modesty, filled the tub, got the washcloth all nice and soapy, handed it to her and said now wash your face, now your neck, wash your arms, and on and on. Then afterward I put a towel around her and used another one to dry her off, then lotion, new undies, clean clothes.....voila!!!!!! Squeaky clean!!!!!! Did that work? NO, it was another month when I finally threw my hands in the air, put her ass in the bathtub and the rest is history. I did not and will not run through a field of daisies while taking care of the col. It's hard work......by the end of the day my herniated neck and lower back are killing me....and all I want to do is sit in a dark room and rock back and forth. The constant explaining while looking into blank eyes is saddening to see.....but I continue to do it.....sometimes I have visions of me banging my head on the table and talking to myself. I am like you Christina, I am not ready to give up my life to care for someone who is not even my flesh and blood, but I do it because my husband has asked me to and I know that if she were put in a nursing home that would be the end of her life. So I will continue to care for her and I will sit with her and hold her hand when she finally reaches a point where she sees the light. But I WILL NOT stop yelling and moaning to those in this same situation, who keep me grounded, and out of the bottom of a bottle of narcotics and booze to numb the pain. And if you are not experiencing some type of mental or physical pain from caregiving.....then you aren't THERE yet baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was lurking.....but as you can see I'm not now.......:)

I posted the not bathing problem I had with my father in 09. For awhile we were able to get a shower with the help of my husband followed by a nice meal after the shower. I was lucky, but I can still remember my distress, anger, guilty feelings when trying to care for a man that had been very independent all of his life. I felt like I was an emotional wreck. My father is in a care center now. He was not able to walk at all any longer without assistance and after another emergency room visit for yet another urinary tract infection, he was sent to a care center and it was determined he was no longer able to live safely by himself.. He is now lives in the care center (nursing home seems to be a dirty word). I have to tell everyone here that not all nursing homes are bad, yes some are and maybe we are lucky, because his is very good. The care is excellent and he and I have a much better relationship. Nobody is angry and I have the peace of mind knowing he is safe. I do not feel guilty in any way. I am very grateful that my last memories with him will be pleasant ones. I wish everyone here the best, because I have walked in your shoes.

Yalady, that's great! My daddy was also in a home the last two years of his life and although it was a little and old nursing home, it was a great place for him because the people cared. It was inexpensive and close by to my mom so she could be dropped off to spend the day with him. She was able to sleep peacefully at night and be with the love of her life all day.

I certainly don't love every minute of taking care of my mom and sometimes I wonder when this will all be over and I can get back to a normal life. That said, I'm trying to enjoy the time with her and my husband and I just work on keeping up with the ever changing issues as she progresses through the dementia.

I hope, as she as always wanted, that she goes in her sleep. If not, and things get bad enough, we'll find a nursing home/care center where they care and then I'll be happy being just her daughter again!

Whoo Hoo! JAM! I love ya, Babe! We're here because we're here, because we're here, because we're heeeerrrrrrre!
ON BATHING, ACCORDING TO CHRISTINA, FOR HER MOTHER, IN HER MOTHER'S SHOWER: This is what I typed up for the caregivers who give me a morning break once a week; otherwise, I give my Mother her shower, because I am the most efficient with this procedure, since I developed it.
It is a blow by blow description, and as you follow along, you may think I am WAY TOO detail oriented, a complete nutcase, or you may find the visual helpful to your own person's bathing needs. The bathroom downstairs is small, and the shower is a 3'X3' area, with a hand-held shower head attachment. I leave the shower door open, facing into the shower to wash her; right behind me is the toilet.
I will forgo the part about removing her hearing aids and glasses FIRST, and gathering her individual items of clothing and putting on the hook behind the door so you don't have to open the door and go get them when she is wet and cold. We all know that... ORGANIZATION AND EFFICIENCY.
As she is sitting on toilet, remove her jammies, undies, slippers and socks. Remove Exelon patch, get a clean washcloth, adjust water, and help her into shower, reminding her to "step up high enough so she doesn't stub her toe on the 4" high dam. (she will probably do it, anyway)
Put a bath towel on floor, folded so you can unfold it into the shower for M to put her feet on after shower.
Wash her back, legs, arms and under arms with moisturizing body wash. Have her hold security bar with right hand and help her stand up to "wash her bottom". Rinse her front and back while she is standing, then have her sit down again. (Portable shower bench, available at any home medical supply store)
Finish by washing hair and a good final rinse all over, especially her privates.
Turn off water, grab one towel for head and upper body, put second over her lap covering her legs. WORK QUICKLY
Unfold the towel on floor into the shower and CAREFULLY put her feet on shower dam to dry her.
Dry her hair and upper body well and her legs, then take towel from legs and fold twice, put on toilet ( behind us) to finish drying her.
Help her out of shower, put her on toilet covered with towel. Use first towel to dry her back, under boobs, privates, and between toes.
Use Tom's Natural Deodorant under arms, put on fresh Exelon patch in new area, and put baby powder on privates. Use body moisturizer on her legs, arms, back and chest, after you put on the Exelon patch, or it will not stick well.
Put on bra and shirt. While she is still sitting on towel on toilet, put on her undies, pants, socks and shoes.
Stand her up, make sure her butt is dry, and pull up her pants.
Proceed to brushing and flossing her teeth.
The rest is her personal beauty treatment, that I have also devised, being an esthetician in my DBC. (days before caregiving)
If anyone is interested in any further procedures, I have 2 more, single spaced pages I am happy to share with any type of caregiver.
We are here to provide "helpful tips and guidance."
My Grandmother always said: Any Job Worth Doing is Worth
DOING WELL.
Hope someone found this helpful--oh islandmz, where are you?

WOW...going back a few pages see there was some excellent dialog in here about the morality issue. All I can say is could see both viewpoints..there were days I felt like Sylvester and there were days I was like Caregiver 101. You know what makes it harrowing is no one is taught about any of this...there is no help to find out how to do any of this when it first embarks upon you...or some may have monetary situations or they are alone. Some might have the resources to perfectly handle the situation, they don't have to work, they don't have to juggle monies..etc. For those it might be a little easier..but each can only handle what they can handle..some can handle a little less. It would be great if the schools would add this to part of their curriculum..what if the kids of today knew what to expect on later in life...this is very stressful.. You cannot roll around your parent in the bed like you can a baby. Christina I agree that parents that have personality issues comes out again in Dementia even worse. I am going to do a poll here about that..I have hunch. I have seen no one write upon that subject as of yet.
Trickey...I understand your sentiments as well.

Pirate, they really do need to address it in the schools. There are a LOT of baby boomers that will eventually need care. Sad but true.

Yes, Miz--and WE are IT.
Good, Pirate. Start a new thread. I'll help however I can. We can use my Mother as a guinea pig. JUST KIDDING, animal rights people.
Talk to you soon:))) Hugs

My husband with dementia would say I just took a shower yesterday. I am finally getting a home health aide for us. I noticed when he was in rehab recently that he responded better to the nurses than he did to me when it came to showers and shaving. We are going to install a shower seat and a hand-held shower spray. We already have safety bars. Thinking of investing in a towel warmer.

A towel warmer. What a great idea!! I remember how Mom liked putting on pajamas that were fresh out of the dryer. Warm and cozy. :)

Not every day--but now I'm thinking it would be a very nice idea--I put Mother's robe in the dryer to heat it up while she's in the bathroom first thing.
Sweisner: the comfortable procedure for your circumstances can be developed. What did you notice about what the nurses did? I'm sure they would be happy to instruct you. It was probably a simple, but tried and true technique. That is why I wrote the procedure for my caregivers. The job gets done efficiently, quickly, and is painless for my Mother.
The hand-held shower head is absolutely necessary, and the bench gives safety as well as comfort for the bather and bathee! All the Best to you:) Hugs

Thanks for your response Christina 28. The health care aide is being paid for by Medicare right now. It's just one less thing I have to deal with right now. I will take careful note of what they do. However, he seems to be more agreeable outside help. Maybe he thinks they carry more authority than I do.