Believing caregivers, how do I reconcile that scripture says to put others before me whereas the secular world says put me first?

Smeshque: What a lovely thing you did for that lady at church - was just what she needed yesterday as she was missing her mother so. You are a gentle and kind soul.❤❤❤❤

To KNOW Jesus is to KNOW peace.
To NO Jesus is to NO peace.

I seem to go through cycles. Burnout, refreshed, burnout, refreshed.
I cannot pin point what brings either cycle on. Nor is it a set amount of time. Just seems to go that way. Right now I am in burnout. It produces in you a flight or fight metality. And that then produces a fight in myself to contain any ill emotions and never direct them at anyone. Makes you so tired.
I know this cycle is only temporary and I will be refreshed. Just waiting on the Lord.
But it certainly is a hard cycle to go through, crying, sleeplessness, etc. I know we all go through it and I am not an exception, nor feel my load is more than others.
It does not change my desire to do this well and with integrity. It does not hinder my love nor distort it. It only pains my human flesh and causes a heaviness to compass me until lifted.
Only you all know that this is probably the hardest thing we can go through in life, save for the loss of our LO's.


My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth.
1 John 3:18

Oh Smeshque, your words seem so familiar to me, such an accurate description of what I feel myself, with the exception of the ‘refreshed feeling’ part of the cycle. I used to have that feeling more often and I also used to have much more control over it, but now it seems to have become, simply put, harder.

I know a lot has to do with the fact that the more tired and overwhelmed I feel, the less ability I seem to have to truly get closer to God and let Him drive; I know I am so exhausted because of my imperfect way of trying to do what I know in my heart is right and it is what God wants me to do, yet I don’t abandon myself to His will, instead still keep trying to control something that is clearly bigger than me! but that I know I could handle much better if I let Him be the force behind me. Not sure if that makes much sense, but to me it does, it sums it all.
If I just really rested in Him like a child rests in his mother’s arms, then I would see things differently ALL the time, not only certain few (and fewer) times.

We should not forget though, that we are human, and He understands every single thought, feeling, action..more than we do ourselves.
Let’s try to rest in Him Smeshque -truly- and I know we will feel that refreshing feeling we so much long for!

May our Father embrace us with the sweetness and understanding of His love, a love that doesn’t judge us, doesn’t reject us despite our imperfections; the unconditional love of our Father is our Hope, our calmness, our sunshine, our strength! He will always protect us, even despite ourselves.
We just have to let Him!

May He bless us all, and a hug to you!

I have never looked at God as a big bully in the sky. Does that help? If we see God as a God who truly loves us it helps to understand everything. Jesus suffered more than any of us. I try my hardest to remember that. It helps me to put things in perspective.

If He suffered and was totally innocent then I figure that we will too. Still, we all question God at times. I get that.

Measure your life by loss instead of gain;
not by the wine drunk, but in the wine poured forth.
For love's strength stands in love's sacrifice;
and who suffers most has most to give.


Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,
Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;
Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
Charity never faileth...
1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Please pray for all the tornado victims.

I struggle with this as well. I've been studying the book of James and encourage you to read it as well. It speaks of how the trials of this life strengthens us and makes us mature believers. It tells us to ask for wisdom and believe that God will give what we ask. It also speaks of being slow to anger which I have a huge problem with in my situation. Honestly, we will never have all the answers and we will have days where we put ourselves first. That is the great thing about grace and forgiveness, God's mercies are new every morning :) keep going and keep the faith, we are not perfect and we will have bad days. Even on my bad days I try to do a little something for myself, which is sometimes just as small as getting the biggest coffee I can find with a sweet treat at my local coffee shop.

Ele- thank you , I agree.
James is one of my favorite books, I read it often.

I have always been fond of this scripture in Mark chapter 10.

Then Peter began to say unto him, Lo, we have left all, and have followed thee.
And Jesus answered and said, Verily I say unto you, There is no man that hath left house, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my sake, and the gospel's,
But he shall receive an hundredfold now in this time, houses, and brethren, and sisters, and mothers, and children, and lands, with persecutions; and in the world to come eternal life.

What has always caught my eye is the fact that in following Jesus we receive blessings. And yet persecutions. So you are reading it and you think look at all those blessings and them Whak! and.... persecutions. :)

Life as a caregiver can at times feel like a persecution. But what I have learned most, if I change myself, I change also the way that I look at it. Now in no way is it easy, again in NO WAY is it easy. But in changing myself (which is still and will always be a work in progress), I see things differently than when I first showed up here at aging care. Which has been a tremendous blessing to me. Of which I thank you all for that, even if we don't see eye to eye, we can love and support one another through the hard seasons of life.
I was so desperate when I first showed up here. Having lost my Dad and now just my Mom and what she has come to need. But today I can say, I am not desperate anymore. I have been blessed through much prayer with some understanding and a change in myself. I see it clearly now. You know it is kinda like when Moses and David were just shepherds of flocks. Not really a prestigious job or position in life. But you see they were just in training for something more important. So the way I see it, in everything in life whether it seems important or not, that is where we are placed for that time. And if we do that well, and right. Who knows what we are in training for. In everything we do , we should always do it to the glory of Christ. The pains equal growth. Growth equals wisdom. And wisdom equals understanding. I may have that backwards, But all of it equals a better us.
This probably doesn't make too much sense, as I do not often explain things well.
I just want to do this well and with integrity.
And I can only do that with God's help.
May he bless all my fellow carers. I treasure you all.

The other day Mom and I were talking about something I cannot remember now. And as part of the talk she had said "I am not getting any younger,' She was not sad or saying anything to try and make me feel bad, that is not her. It was a remark in reference to whatever we were talking about.
When she said that, my heart just stopped(not literally of course), but I did not hear the rest of the conversation as those words just played over and over. Still are.
I had to go outside and I just bawled. Because she is right. Only I do not think of those things I just try and live each day that we are blessed with and do not try and think of what if's or whenever's.
Since then I keep flashing back to the day in the hospital, when the Dr. came in the room and before he spoke, I felt it, I knew my Dad was gone. I am tearing uo as I write this. :(
Before he even said the words, I said "No, No, No"
As if my words could stop the outcome of what the Dr. would say.
That day Mom and I were shopping. DH, Dad, Cousin and my Uncle, went to the city to the sporting goods store. Dad and My uncle were in the riding carts and they were racing as the story goes. Acting like little boys. On their way home DH was sitting behind him and he saw my Dad's head go down. DH immeciately jumped in the front seat and began CPR. Uncle pulled over on the major interstate and DH pulled Dad out and Did cpr until ambulance came. Uncle called me, and told me what was going on. He and cousin was visiting from out of state and could not give me specific location. DH was busy and I couldn't ask him, so I tried to guess by their time frame of leaving the city. I had to stop for fuel because DH never fuels the car. We headed down the highway and I drove to where I thought they could be, no sight of them. Then I saw an ambulance pass by, my heart sank. Since I could not pin point their location, I told Mom we will just go to the hospital. Due to being on the on the interstate the ambulance had to go way past them and then turn back and get on the other side of highway. The whole time I am begging God, and pleading with him not yet, not yet. We got to the hospital and after we told the lady who we were, we sat and then an ambulance pulled in and I felt so sick. Dh, Uncle and cousin arrive shortly after. DH hugged me so tight and said, I tried, I tried, But he did not have any answers as to if Dad was breathing or not, or he didn't want to tell me.
Well, after the Dr, came in the room and said they did what they could do and I don't remember anything he said after that. I just sat on the floor and wailed. Oh how I wailed. DH got on floor and just held me so tight. Mom was strong the whole time through all of it. I went and sat on my knees in front of her with my head in her lap, telling her how sorry I was. She just lost her husband of 60+ years. She just told me, she was ok.
They all went in to see Dad one last time. I did not. I could not. Uncle came out and brought me a paper. It looked like a receipt. I thought what is this. He said I took it for you, It is your Dads last heart beats. Sigh.
I still have it.
That is what has been haunting me since Mom said those words, I am not getting any younger.
Oh I know it will be so much harder if I lose her( I am desperately sorry to all who have lost), I just needed to share with someone what I have been feeling. It is so ugly these feelings and I know and trust the Lord, but I am having a hard time not thinking about this now.
As with my Dad, the Lord took him, there was no reviving him, he was gone, not to come back. He went quick the way he wanted to. The reason I know it was his time and there was nothing we could do to prevent it. Was because he had no heart problems. Then Bam heart attack.
I am so scared to feel those feelings again X infinity.
I am trying to get this all out of my mind.
Thanks for letting me write and maybe it will help.

((Hugs)), Smeshque. It's only natural to have those feelings when it comes to those we are close to and love dearly. It's comforting to know that the Lord is walking with us through the valley of the shadow of death, but I know it's hard not to fear the death of our loved ones, as it means being separated from them, at least for awhile, but not forever.

Your mom is really blessed to have a daughter like you who loves her so much. You are doing a great job of taking care of her and I'm sure there is no doubt in her mind how much you love her. Just live each day with her to the fullest and hug her and tell her often how much she means to you, which I know you already do.

Ask the Lord to prepare your heart for when that time comes, to give you peace and comfort about it all. I saw a quote once that says, "We're all just walking each other home." I really like that one. And the best part is that the Lord walks with us too.

Frazzled- thank you for you words. I can't tell you how much they mean to me. I know you understand, and I appreciate your comfort and support, it is a blessing to me.
I hope all is well with you and yours.
Much love and prayers for you.
Thank you so much, you gave me medicine I was in need of.

God's love sets me free.
This is my victory song.
His grace is sufficient for me.
It is what keeps me strong.

For I'm no perfect man,
And on my own cannot prevail.
Sometimes doing the best I can,
Even will seem to no avail.

Had my share of heartaches,
Sometimes wondering to what end.
Made my share of mistakes.
Over this, I can't pretend.

The struggles may increase,
But it's no cause for alarm.
God's thoughts to me are of peace,
To nurture and not to harm.

I forge on quite resolved.
God's at work in me for the best.
I am flawed but fiercely loved,
And He is not finished yet.

God's perfect plan for me,
I may not fully understand.
But trusting, obeying, I'm grateful to be,
Handled in His loving hand.



Abimbola T. Alabi

True Love

Love can always conquer
Whatever discord brings
and love can also cover
a multitude of things.

Don’t you underestimate
what love can ever do,
for love is God eternal
and His love can renew.

What is cold and lifeless,
now lost all hope and died,
for love can breathe new meaning
and give it back new life.

Please don’t give up on love
when it seems that all is lost,
for there is always hope
if we’re prepared to pay the cost.

For love is always worth it
no matter how much the price,
for love will be much stronger
when we trust in Jesus Christ.

So let God have full reign,
let Him live within your heart
then you will know true love,
for this He will impart.

Lately I have had an open prayer, BE STILL! In the 2 places where The Word tells us to be still, one in Ps. 46:10 I hear it 2 ways. "Be still!" Like my grandma used to fuss at me when I talked too much... shut your pie hole little missy. Don't say things in anger or too much. It also says be still, calm, quiet, breathe, and centered on HIM. In HIM you will find Your person. There is also Ex. 14:14 Just wait, this battle you are fighting with yourself isn't yours, sit back, let go and let HIM. Putting the 2 verses together. The Lord will fight for you. All you have to do is be still and know that I am the Lord your God. I'll pray for you, will you do the same please?

“With God, you are stronger than your struggles and more fierce than your fears. God provides comfort and strength to those who trust in Him. Be encouraged, keep standing, and know that everything's going to be alright.” 
― Germany Kent



“But if ye do not forgive, neither will your Father which is in heaven forgive your trespasses.” 
Mark 11:26

Advice or suggestions please.
This is one reason I often think it would be easier to take Mom and move somewhere else just she and I where I could just attend to her and not worry about anyone else. Sometimes it is so hard to be concerned about Mom and Dh. Sorry I just sometimes feel so stressed being in the middle.
So here is the deal. In a couple months is DH nieces wedding. Now mind you, he and his family do not interact unless someone needs something. Rarely if ever get together unless it is in a hospital or at a funeral. They are not close and never have been. For 13 years I have tried to get him to build a relationship with his family and he just never seemed interested. Plus I was trying to build a relationship with them being new to the family and all. Moving on.
The wedding date falls on my Dads birthday. This is a hard day for my Mom every year since his passing. Which makes it a hard day for me.
Mom does not want to go to the wedding for obvious reasons. I can imagine her sitting there sad on her Dead husbands birthday at a wedding thinking about when she and dad got married and the life she lost with him.
So DH for some reason wants to go. Mom does not. I am indifferent. DH says he will not go if we all don't go, because it is out of town.
I explained my reasons about Mom hoping he would understand. Yet he says well, I want to go, but if you don't I won't. I said yea ok then you can resent me for you not going.
He said ok we just wont go.
So now I feel stuck in the middle, feeling bad if I go, feeling bad if I don't go. We cannot leave Mom alone as we go out of town. She doesn't want to go, he does, AHHHHHHH!!!!

I thought, well maybe I can make it a special day for Mom go get our hair done, new outfits, lunch etc.
But That will not void her feelings which hurt my heart.
Two months is a long time away to try and predict the day. Mom has good days and not so good.
These things are never important to DH, so I don't know.........
Its just I need to RSVP and I don't know.
Any idea what this tired and stressed out girl should do?
Is there such thing as stress tooth aches?
Anyway thank you for letting me ramble.

“To the only wise God our Saviour, be glory and majesty, dominion and power, both now and ever. Amen.” 
Jude 1:25

Honoring our elders is not just a good idea,
it is God’s command.

He refines us as silver is refined,
in a furnace of affliction, but will bring us out to rich fulfillment.
ps 66 (mix)

“This is pure and undefiled worship:
to visit the widows and orphans in their time of need”
st james 27

keep doing that,
your chin up...knees loose!

Yes within healthy boundaries and should not be used by parents to enslave their children.

I think I have my problem solved. So on the wedding day, I will take Mom and we will get our hair done and have lunch and shop, and then I was thinking to have this lady who my Mom really likes she is in the friend category, well I would have her pick Mom up and take her to dinner and then either a play or symphony if one is going on that day. Or I would have her bring Mom back to the house and bake with her, something Mom enjoys that we can donate to the food bank as we often do. Then DH and I can go to wedding knowing Mom is in good hands and have a sort of datish evening which we have not had in YEARS!

I don't know just mulling ideas around trying to make everyone happy.

“Know ye not that they which run in a race run all, but one receiveth the prize? So run, that ye may obtain.” 
1 Corinthians 9:24

That sounds like a great idea, Smeshque! You and your hubby deserve a date night. I know the stress of everything gets overwhelming. Maybe you and DH could go do something fun just the two of you after the wedding is over. Sounds like your mom would have fun too, with you getting her hair done, and then the fun day with a friend.

Thank you Frazzled for the reassurance. I am kinda excited about an evening out with DH. Now that I don't love my Mom, I do so very much. But, DH and I have not had an outing alone in over 5 years. So it is about due. It feels kinda selfish to me, but that is just my own struggle.. But I feel it will be ok and everyone will have a good time.
If I have learned anything from you all it is that we must refresh ourselves from time to time.

Thank you again, I feel encouraged.

When I'm an Old Lady
   
When I'm an old lady,
I'll live with each kid,
And bring so much happiness...
just as they did.
I want to pay back
all the joy they've provided,
Returning each deed.
Oh, they'll be so excited!
I'll write on the wall
with reds, whites and blues,
And bounce on the furniture
wearing my shoes.
I'll drink from the carton
and then leave it out.
I'll stuff all the toilets
and oh, how they'll shout!
When they're on the phone
and just out of reach,
I'll get into things
like sugar and bleach,
Oh, they'll snap their fingers
and then shake their head,
And when that is done
I'll hide under the bed!
When they cook dinner
and call me to eat,
I'll not eat my green beans
or salad or meat.
I'll gag on my okra,
spill milk on the table,
And when they get angry
I'll run... if I'm able!
I'll sit close to the TV,
through the channels I'll click,
I'll cross both my eyes
just to see if they stick.
I'll take off my socks
and throw one away,
And play in the mud
'til the end of the day!
And later in bed,
I'll lay back and sigh,
I'll thank God in prayer
and then close my eyes.
My kids will look down
with a smile slowly creeping,
And say with a groan,
"She's so sweet when she's sleeping!"


In God is my salvation and my glory: the rock of my strength, and my refuge, is in God
.Psalms 62:7

Smeshque, I love that poem, so funny and true at the same time! I was thinking as I read it, I wonder if God looks down from heaven at us and says, "They're so sweet when they're sleeping."

Sweet poem Smeshque!

Smeshque,

I just love that poem. I think my mother found it and thought here are the new rules to live by...just kidding...she hasn't colored on the walls yet!😁

Shell- I think a lot of Moms have this thought. And remember she hasn't yet...... :)

Thanks Gershun and Frazzled, I thought it was cute.
I giggled at the thought of God looking down and saying that, but so true, so true

I giggle at the thought of God looking down at us and thinking the same thing:)

I'm fairly confident that neither St. Paul, nor any of the other scripture authors ever had to be a caregiver for an elderly loved-one who no longer recognized their own children... taking care of yourself in the short-term is the best thing you can do for your loved, in the long run.