Believing caregivers, how do I reconcile that scripture says to put others before me whereas the secular world says put me first?

First, I would like to apologize to everyone, if I have ever written anything that was not becoming of a woman trying to profess godliness. I am human and sometimes I fail, but I do apologize with a sincere heart.

I am beginning another part to my caregiving journey. In the beginning of my journey, I had Dad and Mom. Sadly lost Dad in 2016. Been just Mom until now. I had begun to handle this part of the journey with Mom in a good way. NOT EASY, but with love and patience. Thank the Lord, For his tender mercies.
And now we have an addition of my adopted brother who just had a second stroke. He was planning on moving here in October but because of this incident he is here now. He is staying in the rental on the property. We had been taking our time on completing the cosmetic work on the house because we thought we had time. So now we are in a rush mode to get the house finished, while he is "camping out" in one of the bedrooms while we do the work. We still have to go get his belongings, about a 4 hour round trip. He is a sweet man and we love him dearly. He has been good for Mom too because he is limited in what he can do, so he sits and talks with her, this allows me to accomplish things I need to. A blessing.
I am seeking prayer in that I will be able to handle this load. DH is helping greatly now.
And another blessing DH changed his mind about going to the wedding. Although a date night would have been great, our plate is so full and we are so tired, it was just a burden.

But I know that the Lord will get us through this section of road.

Unto thee, O my strength, will I sing: for God is my defence, and the God of my mercy
Psalms 59:17

Smeshque,
There is therefore, no condemnation, for those who are in Christ Jesus.

Where did your apology come from? Where is this self-critical thought, because I never read anything you have written that is unbecoming.

Send- Jesus said love your enemies, bless those who curse you. And I failed to do that. So I felt really bad that I just did not remain silent, when I was being hated on
I want my enemies to know Jesus loves them. And whatever is going on in their life, that is making them so bitter and hateful, Jesus can remove and heal them.
Instead of saying that I let it get to me in a moment of weakness and I don't want to be that way. I love everyone, enemies and all. I only offer opinions and personal experience, but sometimes it is taken that I am placing judgement, which is false. It is not my place to judge.
Thank you Send, you are one of the special ones here, that are a treasure.
🌼💮🌸🌼💮🌸🌼💮🌸🌼

Smeshque

I have read your post and I believe that you are being a little hard on yourself. In my little opinion, I don't believe that you were/are being judgemental. You really didn't say anything mean or hurtful, but you spoke the truth...your truth! And Jesus wants us to speak the truth! He knows what is in your heart. That is what matters!

And yes, we are to love our enemies, which I have a hard time doing, but I am working on it--every day!! I am a work in progress as we all are and He knows that that is why He gave us the Bible He knows we forget--are flesh gets the better of us at times! This is I believe why we have churches not only to save souls but to help us when we fall short! Am I making any sense?

You are a sweet and loving soul and if I can see that over the internet then don"t you think our mighty Lord over everything can see that?

His grace is never endless because He knows we make mistakes.


"Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me." Psalms 51:10 ESV

See He knows!! He never gets tired of reminding us! And He has no problem giving us another chance to do the right thing next time.

God bless you!🙏
Hugs!!

Shell- thank you for your words. They spoke to my heart. You are also one of the treasures here.
Thank you very much.

Your welcome! Thank you Smeshque! 😁🌈

So we have a friend he is almost 90 he had a stroke about 5 years ago and it took away a lot of things for him. We just found out he is in the hospital. Gonna try and visit him tomorrow. He is a real sweet fella, and his wife said he has lost all motivation, so hoping we can chipper him up a little.
This week will be a busy week. Gotta finish up the work on the rent house. We have two days to do that, because Wednesday we are going to try and move AB's(adopted brother) stuff. So not looking forward too much to that day as I don't enjoy riding in cars for hours as much as I use to.
AB has been talking like he doesn't think he is going to live long. He has been looking at stroke statistics. So he has days of discouragement. Trying to keep him positive. I told him, all the statistically speaking things that should have produced death in myself, my DH, some of my family. But God had other plans and HE is in control. So to just live each day and not worry about tomorrow. No one knows their expiration date.
So we shall see what the future holds.


“For if our heart condemn us, God is greater than our heart, and knoweth all things.” 

1 John 3:20

Behold, we count them happy which endure. Ye have heard of the patience of Job, and have seen the end of the Lord; that the Lord is very pitiful, and of tender mercy.
James 5:11

This is a wonderful article about the Book of Job.
https://www.abc.net.au/religion/philosophical-reading-of-the-book-of-job/11054038

As a believer and caregiver myself, I understand this dilemma all too well. Yes, it is important to care for others, but we must also care for ourselves. It's all about balance. Everyone needs a break. Self care is not selfish, it's necessary.

Caregiver burnout is very real, and if bad enough it can land you in the hospital by making you sick or injured because of all the stress endured during caregiving. If you are rendered sick and injured, you won't be of much use to anyone. That's why it's so important to take time each day to take care of yourself. Everyone needs a break. There's nothing wrong with taking a break. Even God Himself rested on the 7th day.

There is an excellent analogy for this situation: the oxygen masks in an airplane. You put your own mask on first so you can help others put their masks on as well. If you put someone else's mask on first, you will pass out and be useless to anyone. It works the same exact way in caregiving- take care of yourself so you can take care of others and provide a better quality of care. We cannot pour from an empty cup.

John Griffith was in his early twenties. He was newly married and full of optimism. Along with his lovely wife, he had been blessed with a beautiful baby. He was living the American dream. But then came 1929—the Great Stock Market Crash—the shattering of the American economy that devastated John’s dreams. The winds that howled through Oklahoma were strangely symbolic of the gale force that was sweeping away his hopes and his dreams. And so, brokenhearted, John packed up his few possessions, and with his wife and his little son, headed East in an old Ford Model A. They made their way to the edge of the mighty Mississippi River and found a job tending one of the great railroad bridges there.
 
Day after day, John would sit in the control room and direct the enormous gears of the immense bridge over the mighty river. He would look out wistfully as bulky barges and splendid ships glided gracefully under his elevated bridge. Each day, he looked on sadly as those ships carried with them his shattered dreams and his visions of far-off places and exotic destinations.
 
It wasn’t until 1937 that a new dream began to be birthed in John’s heart. His young son was now eight years old and John had begun to catch a vision for a new life, a life in which Greg, his little son, would work shoulder to shoulder with him. The first day of this new life dawned and brought with it new hope and fresh purpose. Excitedly, they packed their lunches and headed off towards the immense bridge.
 
Greg looked on in wide-eyed amazement as his Dad pressed down the huge lever that raised and lowered the vast bridge. As he watched, he thought that his father must surely be the greatest man alive. He marveled that his Dad could singlehandedly control the movements of such a stupendous structure.
 
Before they knew it, Noon time had arrived. John had just elevated the bridge and allowed some scheduled ships to pass through. And then taking his son by the hand, they headed off towards lunch.
 
As they ate, John told his son in vivid detail stories about the marvelous destinations of the ships that glided below them. Enveloped in a world of thought, he related story after story, his son hanging on his every word.
 
Then, suddenly, in the midst of telling a tale about the time that the river had overflowed its banks, he and his son were startled back to reality by the shrieking whistle of a distant train. Looking at his watch in disbelief, John saw that it was already 1:07. Immediately he remembered that the bridge was still raised and that the Memphis Express would be by in just minutes.
 
In the calmest tone he could muster he instructed his son “Stay put.” Quickly, he leaped to his feet, he jumped onto the catwalk. As the precious seconds flew by, he ran at full-tilt to the steer ladder leading into the control house.
 
Once in, he searched the river to make sure that no ships were in sight. And then, as he had been trained to do, he looked straight down beneath the bridge to make certain nothing was below. As his eyes moved downward, he saw something so horrifying that his heart froze in his chest. For there, below him in the massive gearbox that housed the colossal gears that moved the gigantic bridge, was his beloved son.
 
Apparently Greg had tried to follow his dad but had fallen off the catwalk. Even now he was wedged between the teeth of two main cogs in the gear box. Although he appeared to be conscious, John could see that his son’s leg had already begun to bleed. Then an even more horrifying thought flashed through his mind. Lowering the bridge would mean killing the apple of his eye.

Continued

Continued

Panicked, his mind probed in every direction, frantically searching for solutions. In his mind’s eye, he saw himself grabbing a coiled rope, climbing down the ladder, running down the catwalk, securing the rope, sliding down towards his son, pulling him back to safety. Then in an instant, he would move back down towards the control lever and thrust it down just in time for the oncoming train.
 
As soon as these thoughts appeared, he realized the futility of his plan. Instantly he knew there just wouldn’t be enough time. Frustration began to beat on John’s brow, terror written over every inch of his face. His mind darted here and there, vainly searching for yet another solution.
 
His agonized mind considered the four hundred people that were moving inextricably closer and closer to the bridge. Soon the train would come roaring out of the trees with tremendous speed, but this was his son…his only son…his pride…his joy.
 
He knew in a moment there was only one thing he could do. He knew he would have to do it. And so, burying his face under his left arm, he plunged down the lever. The cries of his son were quickly drowned out by the relentless sound of the bridge as it ground slowly into position. With only seconds to spare, the Memphis Express—with its 400 passengers—roared out of the trees and across the mighty bridge.
 
John Griffith lifted his tear-stained face and looked into the windows of the passing train. A businessman was reading the morning newspaper. A uniformed conductor was glancing nonchalantly as his large vest pocket watch. Ladies were already sipping their afternoon tea in the dining cars. A small boy, looking strangely like his own son, pushed a long thin spoon into a large dish of ice cream. Many of the passengers seemed to be engaged in idle conversation or careless laughter.
 
No one even looked his way. No one even cast a glance at the giant gear box that housed the mangled remains of his hopes and his dreams.
 
In anguish he pounded the glass in the control room. He cried out “What’s the matter with you people? Don’t you know? Don’t you care? Don’t you know I’ve sacrificed my son for you? What’s wrong with you?”
 
No one answered. No one heard. No one even looked. Not one of them seemed to care. And then, as suddenly as it had happened, it was over. The train disappeared moving rapidly across the bridge and out over the horizon.
 
Even now as I retell this story, I’m moved by emotion. For this is but a faint glimpse of what the Father did in sacrificing his Son to atone for the sins of the world. Unlike the Memphis Express, however, an express that caught John Griffith by surprise, God in His great love and according to His sovereign will and purpose, determined to sacrifice his Son so that we might live. Not only so, but the consummate love of Christ is demonstrated in that He was not accidentally caught as was John’s son. Rather, He willingly sacrificed his life for the sins of mankind.

"Worn"

I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn
Yeah I’m worn

Tenth Avenue North Lyrics

Smeshque,
Story of John Griffith, was that Max Lucado, author?

Smeshque,
Thanks for all you do, for everyone!

Smeshque,

That is a prefect poem for today. It hit my soul and I just needed to hear those very words at this moment!!

Thank you Smeshque and for all you bring to this forum and this world. You are truily a blessed soul.💕

Shell- thank you for your kind words. I am sorry you are having a difficult day, probably two. I am glad that the words were there for you as needed. God has a magnificent way of sending us comfort through others or things or whatever he sees fit.
Hang in there. He is the God of all comfort. And he works everything together for the good of those that love him. So while we wait to see that goodness, that is the hardest thing to have that patience when we just want the sad feelings to go away. But I guarantee you, that after all is said and done you will look back on how much you grew through these hard times.
Hug and prayers for you, Smile.

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it’s breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
you’ll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You’ll see the sun come shining through
for you
Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That’s the time you must keep on trying
Smile what’s the use of crying
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile
If you’ll just
Smile

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-METBrlP3xU

Smeshque,

You always have the prefect words to say. You are a very good writer. And you brought a smile to me. You are the one with the kind words.

I know I am not in this alone that God is with me every step I take. He always takes care of His children.

Your welcome and thank you for just being you.

Mom is doing better th ese days.
AB is not doing well. He is having a lot of memory issues and is frustrated not being able physically to do what he use to before the stroke. He is sleeping a lot. But he is trying to build back up. He does a little, takes a nap, does a little takes a nap. His arthritis in his hands is torturing him.I am investigating natural things, as he refuses to go to the dr.
Tomorrow we will go help unpack all his boxes, and get him organized. As he is really overwhelmed with the thought of that. But I think it will make him feel a little better not to have to do it and just to know where things are.
Yesterday I harvested more potatoes, trying to get them up before more rain. It was the heat of the day. I would do a little and have to rehydrate. Was a slow process. But gettin it done. Still have 3 and 1/4 rows left. But when I was working in the field, I prayed for some cloud cover. And the beautiful thing was, not only did I get cloud cover, but I got a nice breeze. God's love is wonderful.



“Therefore, brethren, stand fast, and hold the traditions which ye have been taught, whether by word, or our epistle.” 
2 Thessalonians 2:15

But the salvation of the righteous is of the LORD: he is their strength in the time of trouble.
Psalms 37:39

If the skies above you are gray, You are feeling so blue,
If your cares and burdens seem great All the whole day thru,
There's a silver lining that shines In the heavenly land,
Look by faith and see it my friend, Trust in His promises grand.


Often we are troubled and tired, Sick with sorrow and pain,
There are others living in sin Blest with earthly gain,
Take new courage we cannot tell What tomorrow may bring,
When the dark clouds vanish away Then your heart truely can sing.

Oft we fail to see the rainbow Up in heaven's fair sky,
When it seems the fortunes of earth Frown and pass us by,
There are things we know that are worth More than silver and gold,
If we hope and trust Him each day, We shall have pleasure untold.

Sing and be happy Press on to the goal,
Trust Him who leads you, He will keep your soul:
Let all be faithful, Look to Him and pray,
Lift your voice and praise Him in song, Sing and be happy today




Praise the LORD; for the LORD is good: sing praises unto his name; for it is pleasant
Psalms 135:3

This is my go to song. The music and words, just get me through,..,,

I Am
by Crowder

There's no space that His love can't reach
There's no place that we can't find peace
There's no end to Amazing Grace
Take me in with your arms spread wide
Take me in like an orphan child
Never let go, never leave my side
I am
Holding on to You
I am
Holding on to You
In the middle of the storm
I am holding on
I am!
Love like this, oh my God to find!
I am overwhelmed what a joy divine!
Love like this sets our hearts on fire!
I am
Holding on to You
I am
Holding on to You
In the middle of the storm
I am holding on
I am!
I am
Holding on to You
I am
Holding on to You
In the middle of the storm
I am holding on
I am!
This is my resurrection song
This is my Hallelujah come
This is why to You I run
This is my resurrection song
This is my Hallelujah come
This is why to You I run




“For it is written, As I live, saith the Lord, every knee shall bow to me, and every tongue shall confess to God.” 
Romans 14:11

I believe, against all modern thought, that others should come first. I believe it is a beautiful thing to give until you have nothing and are truly humbled.

I think almost all caregivers have felt this true humility.

We can not pour from an empty cup. Making sure YOU are healthy and feeling love for yourself, is the only way to share that with another.

I tune out those who say "take a day off, you need it for yourself, what's the worst that could happen?" Because they don't truly understand my situation and have no idea that many horrible things could happen and objectively I just do not have the time/energy/resources or luxury.

I DO listen to those, like my therapist and grief counselors, who tell me I can not pour from an empty cup. Take 15 minutes a day to make sure you're ok. Give yourself enough room to breathe, until maybe you can give yourself enough room to think!

I have learned something new to do with Mom and how she loves to tell stories and loves to talk.
Well Since AB eats every meal with us now, At meal time when no one is talking I will say a word to Mom. Like I just pick a word at random, because Mom will have a story and that story just goes into another story. Now I have pretty much heard all the stories but it is on a rare occasion I get to hear a new one. So for example I said to Mom at breakfast, the word is Bicycle. She will go into a story in her memory bank of something to do with bicycle and then it leads to other stories. It is amazing how her mind works.
But she enjoys this and AB and DH get to hear stories they have not heard and they find it quite interesting that she has such a plethora of stories in her memory. So she gets social, and some stories are funny so we get a laugh and she just loves sharing her stories so it is a neat thing we have begun to do. It allows me to enjoy hearing them seeing how others at the table are intrigued. It is pretty neat how implementing something new gives her spark and joy.

KaiulaniK- I agree with you.
“Be not hasty in thy spirit to be angry: for anger resteth in the bosom of fools.” 
Ecclesiastes 7:9

Mom's hearing is getting worse. I normally am a soft speaker, even as a child I was always told to speak up. :)
But for the last little while, I have to almost yell so she can hear me sometimes unless I am right close. I am not yelling at her, just have to yell to get my voice to where she can hear me. I have tried and tried to coax her into going and seeing about hearing aids. She is in a little bit of a denial in needing them. But when I have to yell for her to hear me, and DH has to raise his voice to be heard as well, it stresses me out. I do not want people thinking I am yelling at my Mom. I just havent figured out how to get her to want to go check out hearing aids. Sigh


“And this is the record, that God hath given to us eternal life, and this life is in his Son.” 
1 John 5:11

Life has become hard again. With this new person to assist and feed, it has become so exhausting.
Just when I get it down with Mom, now I have to figure it out all over again, with a new responsibility. I know as with Mom, the Lord will help me endure and will give me the answers I need. Just have to wait.
I have been sick the last two days, so it has been even more difficult.
It is not that I don't love AB, But I love Mom more and it is more bearable when you are attached to the person. I am hoping that my love for him will grow and that I can be more patient and tolerant when it comes to him. But it is so hard not to feel that I have lost my life yet again, for the third time. Only the first 2 times I was willing to get it figured out for the sake of all involved. And while I am willing now also to get it figured out, I just feel so overwhelmed yet again. Sigh.
But I know that all things work together for good to them that love the Lord. And I do, Oh how I do.
So I just wait. And pray. Wait and pray.
I am just tired and I think if helping AB interferes with my care for Mom, I will have to figure out an alternative. Because she comes first. After DH of course.
But I so hope it will get worked out, because I do not want to have to decide an alternative.


“The meek will he guide in judgment: and the meek will he teach his way.” 
Psalms 25:9

Dear Smeshque,

First of all, A HUG!!
A sincere hug filled with hope, calmness, light, health, energy and peace!

Secondly, I’d encourage you to remember that when we find ourselves feeling out of balance, maybe even somewhat desperate, worried and tired, we tend to not be able to see -to really see - the situation clearly, nor the purpose of the path we are walking or the lessons that it brings with it.
You are one of the wisest persons I know so I know your judgement is always centered, but tiredness is a great obstacle in life.

I have learned the hard way that life is meant to be lived based on priorities, otherwise we enter a state of disarray, and disarray means the loss of peace. When we give care, peace is so priceless, isn’t it? Peace is really always priceless but for us caregivers it is simply essential. Sometimes it is all we have that keeps us going, with the grace of God.

I think you have your priorities very clear, but maybe need to align your actions with your priorities. There should be no remorse when we know we have tried, we know we won’t serve well if we don’t preserve ourselves and our peace, when we know that each day counts, each effort matters, each moment devoted to our priority is gold for our souls and theirs. We may be sabotaging our intent when we don’t focus precious energy on what we should, and that may very well be and should be ourselves too. Because we need to have some sort of a life to be able to help others, we are important tools God is using to provide love and care! You too matter my friend and recognizing that doesn’t contradict God’s plans.

I am not checking agingcare lately but I am glad I did today, to lovingly remind you that you’re not alone, and you deserve being cared for, we need balance and peace to be able to honor our true mission. Aligning our actions with our purpose and priorities is not only a good idea, it is necessary.

Pray, as you always do, so you get the clarity you need to make decisions in peace. I will be praying as well.
Another hug!!

Rosses,
I thank you truly for your kind words.
They mean a lot to me and I know you understand. I will heed your advice.
As we know this journey and labor of love is not an easy path, nor is it always pleasant. I know that the Lord will get us through these things and I will fervently pray for the answers I need and that you need and that we all need.
Without him we are hopeless.

I am hoping you and your Mom are doing ok. That you are remaining strong and enduring through your challenges. I know God carries you, as your faith is strong.

Know I pray for you and her. (Big Hug)

Continue pressing on, occupying and standing in the gap

Hi Smeshque,
For better hearing and understanding, look at Mom, smile, say her name....
then lower your voice, speak slower.
Really, lower your voice?
Yes, because a soft voice gets shrill when you try to repeat something, or raise your voice.

My hubs is always asking me to say his name first, so he can give me his attention.

The stress of a new person could be having Mom distracted, and I am sure she can sense you are under more pressure.

Breathe deep when you are thanking God for everything.