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Smeshque: Yes, it is always better for an elder if you can face them or be closer to them when you are talking. This doesn't always work, though. I will tell you about the difficulties that I encountered when speaking to my mother - even when we were in the same room/house/residence. I was stumped because she would constantly talk over me/at the same time. I tried saying "Mom, it doesn't work if we both talk at the same time." No response. She still did it. Finally I solved the problem. It took me more than a minute to say the least. She just had to talk WHENEVER even if it was the same time that I was verbalizing something BECAUSE IF SHE DIDN'T, SHE WOULD FORGET WHAT SHE WANTED TO SAY. I found that quite interesting, but then my mother was much older than your's at 94 years of age. So good luck. As a person with a partial hearing impairment (myself), I speak louder than normal, but that had nothing to do with conversing with my late mother.
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Smeshque and Rosses: You two are such special, Godly people. Thank you for being who you both are, encouraging one another and others along your way - whatever the challenges may be - in life. You and so many others on this forum are truly deserving of hugs and prayers. Thank you!
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Send: What an interesting approach of lowering one's voice. If a person is partially hearing impaired, that generally does not work. I, myself, a person who wears one hearing aide, know that I speak louder than the norm. I know one lady who chooses not to wear either of her two aides, so she is really booming and also responds incorrectly to questions, e.g. at a restaurant - Waiter - "Would you like lemon in your ice water?" Her - "No, I don't want dessert."
But thank you for your insight into the auditory issues of elders. I am among them.
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Smeshque: Praying for you dear lady as you take on this added responsibility of caring for AB. You will get through it only with the help of our Lord. And when you cannot, you must try to seek respite even if it is only for an hour or two to read your bible. Hugs to you. Prayers for God to lift your illness. That is a heavy load.
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most people, especially older adults, have mild-to-moderate hearing loss, especially the type that makes it harder to hear high-pitched sounds. In this case, the only symptom may be difficulty with word understanding, especially in situations where there is competing noise. 

Hearing vs. understanding
When your hearing is tested, the results are plotted on an audiogram. People with high-frequency hearing loss are said to have a “sloping” hearing loss. If you have a sloping hearing loss, it means you are able to hear low-pitched sounds, (sounds below 1000 Hz), sometimes even as clearly as someone with normal hearing. But, high-pitched sounds (sounds above 1000 Hz) need to be much louder before you can hear them.
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I struggle with this too. It was really crazy for me a few years ago when I was away at a Christian college and I had divided opinions from people, some saying that of course it was God's will for me to be there because it was "God's own University" and being there was going to help me grow into a model servant of Christ who would go out into the world and do all kinds of great things in His name, and that my mother was out of God's will and possibly not even really saved since she wanted me to leave there and come back to care for her.

This was the prevailing opinion but some felt that the commandment to "honour thy father and thy mother" was the important thing and that even as an adult I still owed her respect and obedience and to be there for her in whatever capacity she felt she needed me to be, even if it wasn't really good for me to do so. I did end up giving into the guilt and dropping out and coming home after just one year of school, but now I'm feeling trapped and smothered to death and am desperate to finish college and just generally get my own life back. Like I knew I would the day I left campus.

So I don't think I can continue to "honour" my mom in the way she wants but I will always love and be concerned for her so right now I'm awkwardly and heart-breakingly trying to work through meeting my own needs again while still seeing to my mother's needs as much as I can.

The main thing for me has been realizing that my mom's problems don't take away my right to pursue freedom and happiness. I don't owe her my whole life and person. Yes, I do need to deal with her respectfully and obviously avoid directly harming her, but I can't buy her health and happiness back for her by offering up mine. That is too much for anyone to ask of another and you should never ever ever feel guilty for wanting a normal life or like you don't deserve one because you have a sick loved one. And you have to remember that God loves your loved one, but He also loves you just as much, and He knows that you can't give what you haven't got, so if your current life is making your heart feel empty you need to give some love and care to yourself in order to have enough to give to your loved one. But this is a lot easier to say than to do.
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Send thank you for the info. and the advice on the hearing issue. It was very informative. I will practice.

Llama- thank you for your kind words, yes Rosses is a good model of faith. And thank you for the hearing advice as well.

Maureen- This is a difficult journey and everyone must decide what direction to take in the part of a LO. May the Lord guide you and help you do what you need to do.

So DH had another death in his family, his Grandpa. He was Indian as well as a vet. So this time the funeral was half traditional Indian way. With the addition of a religious graveside and the 21 gun salute. We had to go early this morning to help get things set up and DH was help in the burying, I just hung out with the Grave Diggers. There was not many tears...

I have been sick but I am on the mend, hallelujah!
AB had a better day with less dizziness and no napping. For a while there he could only do about 30 minutes of anything then nap, then it worked up to an hour then nap. But today was the first day, no nap and not so much dizziness. I am not so familiar with strokes and am learning. But he has good days and bad days.
Mom is for the most part enjoying having him around. Because of his limitations he can sit and talk with her. And he does. Which is helpful to me.
However, it is still taking a toll having another person to assist. But, Oh I am praying hard that the Lord shows me how to do this well and how to manage this and endure. Which I know HE will. I have already been thinking about hiring help to come in and do some things for Ab that he can't And that has become a load for me.
Now my concern is money. My Money is tied up in providing for our needs and Moms needs and the work that we do.
AB is financially able to provide the money for this. If he has turned over his finances to me, would it be ethical for me to hire someone to help him with it? I have been waiting until his former house is rented and he does not have to pay rent there anymore since we had to move him before his lease was up, I have been waiting to charge him rent on the place now. I also have been waiting for that place to rent, to free up more money so that I would not feel bad, hiring help for him. But I believe if I could get help in that would definitely ease my load. I don't know.
We have so many irons in the fire. I am definitely aware of the reality of caregiver burnout and I am being cautious to not get there.

“Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another.” 
1 John 4:11
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Smeshque: You are welcome. I, myself, am playing catch up here. I am glad that you seem to be on the mend. That must have been a difficult service for DH's grandpa done in traditional Native American style. Good for AB and good that mom enjoys him. Get some rest, dear lady.💚💛💚💛
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"Even If"

They say sometimes you win some
Sometimes you lose some
And right now, right now I'm losing bad
I've stood on this stage night after night
Reminding the broken it'll be alright
But right now, oh right now I just can't

It's easy to sing
When there's nothing to bring me down
But what will I say
When I'm held to the flame
Like I am right now

I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

They say it only takes a little faith
To move a mountain
Good thing
A little faith is all I have right now
But God, when You choose
To leave mountains unmovable
Give me the strength to be able to sing
It is well with my soul

I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

You've been faithful, You've been good
All of my days
Jesus, I will cling to You
Come what may
‘Cause I know You're able
I know You can

I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

It is well with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul


MercyMe
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Smeshque, glad you are feeling better and hope you have been able to get some rest. I know you have a lot on your plate.

I don't think it would be unethical at all to hire a financial manager if you were to be placed in charge of AB's finances. Just make sure you vet the person or company carefully and keep track of statements, receipts, etc and make sure he is only being charged the fees agreed upon in the contract. Fees for this should come out of his account and can be taken as a deduction on taxes. It would be easiest probably to hire a CPA who could also keep track of all the tax stuff. And be sure not to commingle any funds in the event that AB might need Medicaid for any reason, as it can greatly complicate things.

Praying for you for strength and for His guidance in navigating all of this. He is faithful to provide. Many times though I worried because I wasn't sure how we were going to afford mom's insulin or when we were looking for a place for her, or trying to get her help for her mental health, the Lord came through every time.

Hugs, dear lady. I hope you and your mom and family have a good week.
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Been rough for me around here. I am trying to maintain closeness to God, as I am having a very rough time.
I am tired. I have faith that it will work itself out, and my answers will come.

“Hear, O LORD, when I cry with my voice: have mercy also upon me, and answer me.” 
Psalms 27:7
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Smeshque: I pray that you can get through this heavy load. As you look to the Lord for His guidance. I, too, am on my last ounce of strength having had a trio of doctor appointments. 💜💙💜💙
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Thank you LLama, am praying for you.

So as you most know my siblings have had nothing to do with my parents since they moved with me about 5 years ago. With the exception of one brother who is in and out with contact. But anyway, My oldest sister has been texting my Mom. For a couple of weeks now. And yesterday they talked on the phone. It seemed to be a pleasant conversion from this end. My Mom was so filled with joy yesterday becaus eof this. Which fills me with joy. There was no mention of visiting or anything like that, but maybe just maybe a new beginning of her having a relationship with Mom. I do not want anything from her, and I do not wish a relationship with her. But I wish she would have one with Mom. I know it means so much to Mom. Because about every 6 months to a year we go through this whole thing about why they don't speak to her and such, and I know it hurts Mom. But she is so strong and tries to get over it. but I know there is no getting over your children not speaking to you when you have done nothing but good to them. So anyway, I hope she will be in contact with Mom more.


“The LORD shall preserve thee from all evil: he shall preserve thy soul.” 
Psalms 121:7
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Not sure if I should even be posting here but I will jump in even though I feel awkward.

I will readily admit that I don’t usually visit this section.

I am a believer that does hasn’t been to my church in quite awhile because of caring for mom around the clock. While I appreciate mass on television it isn’t the same as worshipping in church and being part of a church family.

It effects me when I am unable to go and this is the longest amount of time I have been away (several months). I feel somewhat spiritually dry during this time. It isn’t like God isn’t in my heart but as I said I miss going to church. I was able to receive communion at the hospital recently when mom was admitted. I really should call my parish and arrange for communion to be brought to us by the home bound ministry.

Going through some challenges. Am a little down. Could use some prayers. May I ask for prayers for my family and support from this group please? I would appreciate it. Thanks in advance.

I will pray for all of you and burn a candle for all of you whenever I am able to attend mass again. I promise.
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Just know that trouble doesn’t last always and that joy does come in the morning. In other words this too shall pass!!! Long suffering is a fruit of the spirit. Ive learned in my own situation that it’s not enough to read the Word i have to genuinely believe it in my heart. So when God says that All things will work to my good because I love Him then I had to trust that my current situation, no matter how challenging will somehow work to my good. That’s what gets me through! Hope that helps you even a tad. 🙏🏽
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Dear Smeshque and friends of this awesome forum,
Thank you for daring to post the question: what does God say and what does the world say about “who we place first?” Do they give us opposite messages??
As all of you, I struggled finding a healthy balance along the way.
Here are some things that continue to help me:
🌸 Follow God’s lead and do loving things for your loved one AND for yourself.
🌸 Certain days are emotionally draining! On those days, I try in many ways to “ fill” my emotional tank, and get recharged to face things soon again!
—I sit 10-15 minutes quiet in the sunshine
—I say thanks to God, or tell him I cannot continue like this and this is HIS challenge. I unload the burden.
God can handle it and show us the way.
— I buy a lavender room midst
— I say something nice to a stranger
—I feed the birds
—I email a fiend just to connect
— I walk by a lake. It is very soothing
—I listen to soft, loving music
etc. etc. whatever works for each person
🌸 After I get calm and reenergized
I do find myself more loving and patient. The situation did not change. I did...
🌸 I think God wants everyone of us to be happy. There are parallel lives
at home, and separate goals set by God. We BOTH have needs, and we strive to help our loved one, while we know what WE need too.
🌸 I learned my limits. I respect them. I am learning to say “ no” once in a while when I feel pushed too far...
🌸 For me almost every day is different and yes I am faced with new challenges I have to figure out, since my husband’s Aphasia- dementia gets progressively worse.
I have accepted it to save energy.
I cannot change it but I create moments of pleasure, like walking in the park and singing, or going with him for ice cream, or whatever your loved one can still enjoy doing.
( the book Tuesday with Morrie comes to mind)
🌸 Yes I try to read “ Jesus Calling”
daily devotionals. VERY soothing for the soul.
🌸” Abide” a Christian app is undeniably VERY calming ( I think it is $ 39/ year from the App Store in-line)
🌸 I personally believe that God wants us to stay the course and honor our marriage, our Parents and our children, but honoring ourselves and keeping us healthy along the way is our responsibility too.
It is a daily balancing act.😊
The sun will come out again tomorrow!🌈
Hugs to you all heroes out there. Please do not be martyrs...
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Thank you, Smeshque. Just got a tough dx. I am praying for this load to be lifted from you, in Jesus name I pray. Amen. Praise God for that sibling to contact your mom by phone.
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LL- Thank you For your kind words and prayers for me. I am grateful.
I hope and pray everything will be alright for you. Please know that you are loved. God will give you the strength that you need to endure what is in your path.
Do not succumb to fear and doubt, For we are not a hopeless people, We have much hope through Jesus Christ.
(HUGS)
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Smeshque: Hopefully slight heart dx. Will know more on 8/7. Praying for you evermore.
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Smeshque, continuing to lift up you and your family in prayer. I know it's been hard lately. Praying for His strength and encouragement with each day.

Llama, praying for peace and for speedy healing. And for good news on 8/7.

NeedHelp, I am so glad you posted here! You are not alone. It is hard feeling isolated when caregiving. Unfortunately, it is not at all uncommon. When mom lived with me, I was so tired all the time, trying to take care of her, my kids, and other daily things that needed doing, I hardly got out much and started missing my church family too. Having the home bound ministry visit sounds like a good idea. And even just staying in touch with church family through calls and texts and knowing you have others who know your situation and are praying for you helps too.

I will lift you and your family up in prayer. Keep coming back here too and let us know how you are doing. I've found a lot of inspiration from other posters here.
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Thank you Frazzled- You and your family are in my prayers as well. I hope you are doing well. And thank you for drawing my attention to the posters I did not see,

LLama- It will all be ok. He has you in HIS hands. All things work together for good to them that love the Lord.
Let Him be your strength.

Godguidesme- Balance is such a hard thing in life. Especially being a believer in this world. I thank you for your post and your helpful list. Many prayers for you and your DH. God knows our labour and will not forget the love we have shown.

Splendor- Thank you so much for that very true and encouraging post. All who believe need that reminder. If we could just keep that in our hearts and truly believe it we will do well.

Needshelp- I cannot say anything better than what Frazzled said. I welcome you, please feel free to share here anytime. I know it is difficult what you are going through. And the importance of church family. I do hope you reach out to the homebound ministry. It will be so good for you, and maybe uplift you in this difficult season. Will definitely be praying for you. Hang in there. I just want to repost what Splendor said for you to keep in mind, "Just know that trouble doesn’t last always and that joy does come in the morning. In other words this too shall pass!!! Long suffering is a fruit of the spirit. Ive learned in my own situation that it’s not enough to read the Word i have to genuinely believe it in my heart. So when God says that All things will work to my good because I love Him then I had to trust that my current situation, no matter how challenging will somehow work to my good. That’s what gets me through! Hope that helps you even a tad."
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Thanks everyone. I feel like I don’t always live up to challenges very well at times, even though I know I am trying my best. It’s just that mom needs a lot of care.

I do appreciate the inspiration from all of you. It’s comforting to me to know I can count on all of you for prayers. That means so much to me.
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Frazzled & Smeshque: Thank you so much!
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NeedHelpWithMom: You're doing just fine - I am sure. Sending many prayers.
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Got all the banking stuff done today for AB. So I can take care of his financial stuff. Glad to have gotten all that over with.

We lost a dear friend and sister in Christ today. I am thankful she is no longer suffering. I feel sad for her family. There is nothing like the death of someone you know, to really get you thinking.

Things are getting more bearable and manageable having the extra load, thank the Lord. I know that with HIS help I will get it all figured out. I am always just so afraid to learn I could have done something better. And that information rarely comes when you can do something about it, but only after there is nothing you can do about it. But it is what it is. I do my best and I trust that the Lord leads and guides me to do the right things.

I spent a long time praying last night, just giving it all to the Lord. Trying to make sure that he is not just my God, but THE LORD of my life and that I keep him on that throne. Because only in keeping HIM on that throne, will I know I am doing things the right way. So many times we get so busy and it seems to be so easy, not to forget God, but to forget that he is the Lord of our lives. And I so don't want to do that. Because I know when I keep HIM on that throne, I am able to provide the love and care to my LO's in a more meaningful and less burdensome way. It flows easier and I don't have to try so hard.
But the second I think I can do this on my own or think that I have the answers, sure enough I will stumble through my days.

I trust, I pray, I occupy, trying to fill in the gap.


Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.
Hebrews 12:2
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It's not about trying, but in trusting.
It's not about running, but in resting.
It's not about thinking, but in praying.

What you posted made me think of this song. He is working all things for your good. You are an inspiration in your walk with The Lord.

God bless and keep you!
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Sorry about the loss of your friend. It’s hard losing someone special. They continue to live in our hearts and memories.

It is a relief not to see them suffering any longer. I think about that with mom. It’s hard to see her struggle to do her home health OT and PT. She’s a trooper and willingly does it. SNF said she gave it her all in rehab.

I had no idea how much exercise SNF did until mom’s experience with it. It’s a lot! Six days a week for three weeks.
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Isthisreallyreal,

Yep, that’s all we can do sometimes is place our trust in Him. It’s still hard. I feel like a failure at times, like I don’t have enough faith. Just a long journey and feels like no end is in sight. I can’t imagine how mom feels at this point. I would have wanted to die already. I took mom to the chapel in the nursing home recently while there for skilled nursing rehab.

A chapel is nice to have for people in rehab or the permanent residents. I always visit the chapel in hospitals too.

So many people suffer for so long. Others seem to breeze through life. You know what’s weird too? Mom never drank, never smoked, kept at a healthy weight, etc. We never know what lies ahead for us.

Smeshque,

Yep, we can’t help but think about things when sad things occur. Hard losing those we love and watching them suffer.
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Isthisreal- Thank you. I would like to know that song. Great Motto

Thank you needshelp.
6 days a week for 3 weeks, that is alot. Your Mom is quite the trooper. You wouldn't think they did it that much, but that is good. Many of us would be tired from that.
Hope she is doing well.
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Thanks,

She’s trying hard. Home health again, so more OT and PT. I really don’t understand how elderly people deal with everything. Just read on someone’s posting that their mom is getting kicked out of AL with too many falls from Parkinson’s like my mom has.

Then she contacted a NH with skilled nursing and they say they can’t prevent falls either. It’s scary. Even if hospice is involved they can’t be there around the clock. Do people have to hire sitters 24/7? The rules surprised me.

I asked for bed rails for mom in the NH. I didn’t know bed rails are now considered restraints. Daddy had bed rails but that was a long time ago.

Caregiving is hard no matter what the circumstances, at home, facility, hospice, whatever situation.
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