Believing caregivers, how do I reconcile that scripture says to put others before me whereas the secular world says put me first?

Smeshque, I wish I could feel as you do. You say, 'What a small thing it is to be asked to set aside my life for another', but I'm afraid I can't apply this to my own situation, forced without being asked into acting as carer for a narcissistic mother who never nurtured me. We would gladly do quite a lot for her, but it is so demoralizing when she finds fault with almost everything anyone does for her. She is probably depressed but rejects all attempts to get help for her.

I have children and grandchildren, a job and a church community that all need my commitment too. Does the Lord really want me to abandon all of those in an ultimately futile attempt to do everything for someone who, sadly, does not know how to be happy?

I don't see this as being about 'my dreams and wishes' but about my mental and emotional survival. I do try to show Jesus's love to my mother, hard though it is, but I don't see the virtue of letting her wreck my life. Who will that help?

I was asked a question recently and so I am addressing the question.
Yes, i have had my share of struggle with bitterness and resentment. To the point where you just want to run away from it all. This was more so in the beginning of my care giving journey. I hated that my life was changing and I hated giving up my freedoms I once new, and I just hated that I could not do what I wanted to do. I was pretty bitter. Especially since my siblings had no part nor lot in caregiving and it was left to me, well not left to me, I chose it, well I did not choose it, the Lord placed me in the position and I then chose to do it.
I prayed and cried so much. I hated myself for having the ugly feelings I was having. I was soooo depressed. The Lord led me to AC and it helped somewhat to hear from people similar struggles and to read of people in worse situations. It helped having support from those who knew what I was going through. I thank them all for their part in that.
But, my true help came from above. God heard my cries and pleas and in my misery HE taught me some things. I am not an eloquent speaker, so I will try and explain what I learned.
I learned I as a human being was truly a selfish person. That my concern was only about my happiness, and not those I was caring for that did not ask to be in their situation, nor would they want to burden me with having to care for them.
I learned quickly that life was not about me, nor my goals and dreams, and wishes. Life is about Jesus Christ and bringing HIM glory and being obedient to God.
I learned how we are to be like Jesus. Now I know lots of people will have something to say about this, but truth is truth. Jesus sacrificed HIS life for us. He left HIS home on paradise to come to this earth and die a cruel death, for me, for you.
So what does that tell me about Jesus. He was sacrificial. In order to be sacrificial one must love. And there is no greater love than a man laying down his life for another.
This is what stays in my heart.
So what a small thing it is for me to be asked to set aside my life for another. To sacrifice my life that I once had, to help someone else. That did not mean I did not need to refresh myself, to do something I enjoy. Quite the opposite. In order for me to do that well, I needed to be refreshed, I needed a respite, I needed to do something I cared about and enjoyed. Because when I am refreshed, when I take care of myself first, i am then able to provide better care and more love to another.
Taking care of myself allows those awful feelings I once had to flee.
It has been almost 6 years now, I believe, and I would not trade what I have done in these years for anything. I have been blessed to learn many things spiritually.
But caregiving is a choice not to be taken lightly, one must truly decide if they will sacrifice their life they have, to provide care for another, changing their whole life.
But, you must take care of yourself first, not selfishly, not abandoning the task at hand, but time here and there thats just for you, just for God, just for Jesus.
I am so glad Jesus did not say, I don't think I want to change my current situation and die on a cross.

I hope this answer was helpful.

Much love and prayers for all of you.

How is everyone?
I miss you all.
It just seems in this season of life I have not had the time I did, so that I can visit with you all. I sure miss that.
But I pray for you all daily and hopefully I will have more time, maybe in the winter, with less laboring to do.

AB has been doing PT, for his shoulder. He has been doing well. We finally got him active again after months of thinking he could not do anything. But I am glad to see him active again and now driving himself again.

Mom had an ultrasound on her liver yesterday and some blood work. Thank the Lord, HE sure takes care of that woman. Her liver is great and her blood work was great.
Hallelujah!

I haven't been working since May. And I definitely know I am a better person when I am not here 24/7. I haven't really been seeking work. I am considering going back to school again, while everything is well. I am torn between two things. i will let you all know what I decide, or if I decide. I am waiting on the Lord.

Just been doing lots of yard work, farm work and harvesting. Been making a lot of different infused honeys.

Lord willing I will be back. You all take care of yourself, and most importantly, Love JESUS. Because HE certainly loves you.

Psalms 37:5
Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.

I just want to thank everyone who has replied to my comment! It truly brought me to tears to see so many who took their time out to encourage me and I’m so thankful to Jesus Christ that there are still people out there who really care ! I love each and everyone one of you and I’m praying that Jesus will bless you for being lights of this world and for helping people who are in need. Thank you so much!

Petra,

God is faithful. He never lies or lets us down. He is never early nor is He ever late. He is always on time.

I went for years without a job and I really thought I would never find one. I even went back to school and still couldn't get a job. I prayed, studying and told God "Well if YOU want me to work then I will, it is in YOUR hands." Well, I did what Smeshque is telling you to do and I got a part-time temporary job, which turned out to be a great job and I am going back to it in August. Granted I only work part of the year and I know this job is not permanent, but I know it is just a stepping stone for something else HE wants me to do. Just keep doing what you can and God will take care of the rest.

I really think HE puts us in time-out, not because we were bad, but because He is just trying to grow us and get us into a position where He can do things through us!🙏

Hugs!!

My heart goes out to you. I hear your pain and your desire to know the truth of God's Word concerning your situation. My situation is similar. My husband has had dementia for the past 6 years or so and I took care of him as he began to lose more and more of his independence. Last year he had a 20 min seizure which exacerbated his symptoms drastically & he began to exhibit extreme paranoia, wandering outside of the house, as well as other bizarre behaviours. The worst of it was that he kept me up most of the night, every night. I didn't get a solid nights sleep for 6 months. I kept faithfully praying to God for solutions for both of us & it soon became apparent that I needed to place him in memory care not only for my sake, health and well-being, but for him as well. He needed caregivers round the clock who understood his dementia. The bible teaches that you can't give out of your own need & that's what I had been doing. everyone counts as one. I had reached the point where my own health was at risk, I was almost bankrupt, emotionally drained and burned out. It is not God's will for us to live this way, but to live as John 10:10 says, a life of abundance, peace, love, joy, etc. I realized that I have a savior and so does my husband, but it wasn't me. I had to rely on the Lord to take care of us both and He did. I have no regrets & sacrificed a lot to take care of my beloved, but when it became too much for me, God made a way for both my husband and me to get our needs met. May God bless you & guide you as well😊

Hi all!!

I hope all is well.

Petra- you have such a good attitude and I can see your faith in your words. Since you have such trust in the Lord, just continue growing in HIM. When the time comes for you to move( ie, go to school, get a job, whatever it be), HE will move you and you won't even have to think about it.
While you are growing close to HIM. Continue applying for jobs and just do some research on schools that offer online classes, or even schools close to you. Just check things out. But, your faith in HIM will move you when you are to move. Right now HE may have you where you are to grow you, and once you are ready to produce fruit HE will guide you in the path you are to go.
That is what faith is, right? Trusting and believing that all things will work together for your good if you love HIM.
Romans 8:28
"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."

I know that we are only human, and we get stressed and anxious. But remember to cast all that on HIM. Your labor does not go unnoticed by our Lord. And it is not in vain. Do all that you do as if you do it for Jesus. To bring HIM glory, in your actions of love.

"Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time:
Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you."
1 Peter 5:6-7

You are in my prayers.

Petra,

Thanks for your open feedback. Since you are in Ohio, there may be an opportunity for you to take some courses online. I assume the oldest sibling is out of the house working somewhere? Does he or she ever come by and help or have they just flown away like a bird from the nest?

You speak of your parents getting older. Unless your older sibling is many years older than you, this would make your parents in their mid 40's to early 50's. That's not old. Please don't let that hold you back. I didn't think of my parents as old until they got into their 80's and 90's with dementia. Now that's old.

Thanks for your prayers for us. We continue to be concerned about you, your grandmother, your mother, and the rest of your family. BTW, I'm only 63 and don't see myself as old. Love and prayers.

MargaretMcken-
I’ve thought about that.. and I prayed for a long time. I took steps of faith and tried very hard to find a job, even voluntary work but I never got it. Though taking care of my grandmother is tough it’s teaching me. Not just how to clean her but how to be patient, kind, and also to serve. I just trust and God and that’s why I’m still here, I’ve took many steps of faith but always ended back in the same place. I still apply for jobs, and even consider going to college but while I’m here I’m learning more about him. My life was change a year ago. He saved me. And I’m glad that I have this time to spend with him. I might not get a job or go to college right now but maybe it’s just for a season. I always try to think positive.. But sometimes I end up quite stress and sad so I just someone to talk to and each of you who replied are such a blessing because of your encouragement and concern for me and I’m so thankful to Jesus for that. I pray that he will continuously bless you with strength and whatever your needs are!

NoTryDoYoda-
Including my grandmother but I’m the second oldest and I have 3 younger siblings. 2 are still in school and 1 is planning to move out. My Dad works, he helps though when he can. It’s just me and my mom a lot. As of right now my youngest sister (she’s 17) is homeschooled but soon she will start working so it will only be me and my mom again. That’s something we can consider doing though. My parents are getting older and I hate to see my dad work as hard as he do... I’m very thankful for the home we live in but it’s not the best and he’s always working on it. I just want them to live comfortably. With the strength and grace of God my parents took care of 5 kids and now there getting tired I can tell . So I will discuss some ways like home caregiver to my mom and see what she’s says. We actually had some at one point but they weren’t really taking good care of my grandmother. But whatever the lords will let it be done. Thank you much for the advice. I guess being here for so long I’m just worried to leave my parents alone when they can’t really do it themselves.

Petra, perhaps God is waiting to see what you do?

Petrasmall12

There are seven people living in the house and only you plus your mother are taking care of your mother are taking care of your grandmother? What is everyone else doing? Have you looked into your grandmother qualifying for medicaid and going to a nursing home that takes people on medicaid, even on medicaid pending?

NotryDoYoda- Hello there
My grandmother is bedridden due to her left side being paralyzed by a stroke. She’s on Medicare and they really can’t do much for her. We struggle sometimes with money because we are a house of 7 and the house we live in is old and falling apart, so we usually use it to repair somethings and bills. We can’t afford a healthcare aide because of this.

My family doesn’t care about my grandmother. They don’t like us and has called social services on us twice because they don’t want us to take care of my grandmother. Before we moved here my aunt was watching my grandfather and my grandmother. She stole from her and really didn’t take care of her so this is why my mom took over.

I really don’t know what to do at this point. I just don’t want to leave my mom to do this by herself. One of my personal dreams is to move somewhere with Beautiful scenery and have a family. Right not though, i just don’t know. So I’m trying my best to trust in God with what I should do. I’m just waiting to see what he does next

Petrasmall12,

Yes, I do care. Thank you for responding. The symptoms of your chronic illness sound bad. I hope you are under constant medical care.

What are your grandmother's medical needs? Would she qualify for medicaid to go to a nursing home?

What ages are your mother and grandmother? I would assume that with you being 20 that she is in her 40's and her mother is in her 60's. I ask all these questions because if this is the case your grandmother could live another 30 years which would make you 50 and your mother 70.

What about your own life? 20 is not too old to go back to college. To tell the truth, it is hard in today's world to get a job with just a high school diploma. Our education system has declined to the point that a college degree is about what high school once was. Where do you want your life to be in 30 years? How old is your sister and why is she expected to do what you are doing? I'm not sure that adult protective services would be happy with all of this.

I think there needs to be a called family meeting in which you lay out the reality of this situation; that ya'll can't maintain this level of care; your health is not good and need to build your own life and in one month ya'll are going to quit. If they understand that you are serious, then they will do something. Their not doing anything because ya'll are doing it by yourselves.

Smeshque- Thank you so much for your encouragement and prayers ! Yes, everyday is a challenge but I’m learning to lean on him more than ever. He’s teaching me to to trust in him with any and every situation. This is really helping me to build a stronger relationship with him <3

NotryYoda

Hello ! Thank you so very much for your concern :) . My mother and grandmother doesn’t hold me back from doing anything I don’t want to. My mom helps me a lot but she also is getting up in age and none of my family is very supportive. My little sister and dad also help but I have took on most of the work because there are times when my dad and sister does not want to help. I’ve been trying for almost 2 years to apply for a job but have not yet accepted by any.. As far as my chronic illness I’m still learning more about it because it’s quite rare. Long story short it causes me to have constant head pressure and back pain and loss of eye sight. It hold me back from doing a lot of things I really want to do.. I’m sorry if it seemed like I was complaining >.<
As of now I don’t know really what to do. I have no direction but to trust in Jesus. College was an option 3 years ago but not anymore. I decided to take a different path. I really wish that my other family members would help us though.. to take the weight off of my mother and us but they don’t. So we trust in Jesus for strength
Thank you so much for your prayers <3

Petra-Caregiving is very hard in the best circumstances. It is the most difficult labor of love. And for someone your age to take this on, that says so much about what a wonderful person you are.

When I first came to this site, I was so disheartened and weary. And depressed.
I began to look at it like this. Doing for my loved ones is doing for Jesus. And I would repeat to myself, don't grow weary in well doing.
Even though I know the scriptures, and i trust in Jesus.
This is difficult.
Most importantly, do not lose your relationship with him.
Pray about it and trust him to lead you where he wants you. If you feel that he is leading you to stay and help your Mom, then make sure to ask him, for strength, courage, wisdom, mercy, patience, gentleness and to love beyond yourself, all those things we need to set aside our lives for another.
But if you feel he is saying for you to go to college now and begin pursuing your path he will set you on, then do that.
Ask, Seek and Find.
But friend, do not give up hope.
This site has a lot of helpful and loving people. It will help you to know their stories. Because always know that it could be worse.
I will definitely pray for you.


Matthew 7:7-8
Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:

For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.

Petrasmall12,

It sounds like doing 24/7 care of your grandmother has made you chronically ill. What are her medical needs? I ask because if she needs that much care, then she needs 3 people working 8 hour shifts to take care of her like in a nursing home. Plus, you are the age when you need to be in college to build your own future which is not selfish. It is the normal path of life. Does your grandmother have other children other than your mother? Otherwise, I hear a path of becoming disabled, dirt poor, and homeless. You don't want that. Is your mother and/or your grandmother using the Bible to keep you in place. If so, that's not using the Bible correctly.

Praying for you.

Hello there. I’m very happy to find other believers who are caregivers like me. I’m a 21 year old 24hr caregiver to my grandmother. We have been taking care of my grandfather for 4 years and my grandmother now for 8. It’s been very tough... I made the decision after Highschool in 2017 to take a gap year off to help my mother until my sister became a senior ( seniors only take a few classes) then I would leave for college.. but Jesus had other plans. I’ve been jobless for almost 2 years and I have a chronic illness. I’m trying hard to hold on to Jesus. To ask him for the strength to continue on, but it has been hard. Sometimes I feel like giving up and walking away. Yet, I know it was confirmed by him that he wants me to stay for awhile. I don’t know why but I’m obedient.. May I ask all of you to pray for me? Thank you

I struggle with this, too. However, if I am unwell and at my breaking point, I am no help to anyone. I am learning to step back to rest and recharge. It takes lots of practice to do this. I pray God floods you with his wisdom, clarity and peace that surpasses all understanding. I understand this dilemma. I appreciate you for bringing it to light.

I am so sorry for your loss but I rejoice with you that his human suffering is over. May HE grant you all grieving mercies.

May The Lord give you strength to deal with all you are handling.

It is always good to hear from you, you are always in my prayers.

On a happier note, how is your new poochie doing? Growing up any? I know that they bring so much joy and laughter to our daily lives.

Great big warm hug!

When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow they: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned, and neither shall the flame kindle upon thee. Isiah 43:2 KJV

Very true Isthisreal, your previous comment.

We lost a beloved brother in Christ this last week, and had his funeral Friday. I have spoke of him on here before. Caring for his wife with ALZ. He was a Dear Man, who will be missed. But he is no longer grieving his wife, he is no longer saddened by being trapped in a facility, he is no longer feeling useless. He is at Rest. Awaiting the resurrection. And I have the hope to see him again.

AB is still doing PT 3 times a week. That has been a challenge arranging the schedule to accomodate getting him there.
Mom is doing well. We have lost 2 Brothers and 2 Sisters in Christ this year. Kinda takes a toll on her. But the Lord is her strength and she marches on.

I hope you all are doing well. Keep pressing on.
Everytime I intend to take some time to come here, something happens that needs tending to.
Much love and prayers

"And I heard a voice from heaven saying unto me, Write, Blessed are the dead which die in the Lord from henceforth: Yea, saith the Spirit, that they may rest from their labours; and their works do follow them."
Revelation 14:13

Smeshque I have found that I can not remain upset with anyone when I sincerely pray for them.

It brings love to the fore front of all else. How can you hate anyone when you are pleading mercy for them.

God bless and keep you!

I am glad to hear that your charges are doing well.

One of the hardest things in scripture is to love and bless our enemies. But with that comes a peace which passes all understanding.
Scripture says to treat others how you want others to treat you, not to treat others how they treat you. It also doesn't say to do good to others as long as they do good to you.
Those things are so difficult. The problem we have is that we have not walked in another's shoes to know why they act or treat us badly. If we could do that and have an understanding of the why, it makes it so much easier to do the above. However, because we cannot always know the reason why someone is the way they are, we must choose just to love.
This is the challenge to love in all circumstances.
Not saying to be abused. I am only saying love. Sometimes we must love from a distance. But when love becomes hate the problem is within us. That we are allowing others to control our emotions. Instead we gotta let Jesus control our emotions. Because our emotions can be false and misleading and cause us to not be who we should be.
IMO

AB has been doing PT 3 times a week. He seems to be doing better. Mom is doing well.
I hope you all are well. I still haven't gotten my schedule situated so that I can be here more often. DH and I are working on a kitchen remodel for some lady. Its her summer house.
Much love and prayers


“He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler.”
Psalms 91:4

Gershun,

Amen sister! Jesus did not die for us, so other people can use and abuse us. He died for our sins and for us to have life...abundant life!


Helen,

I am so very sorry that you have to go through this and that your mother doesn't see what a blessing you are. Remember God is with you and HE is able and willing to help you-just ask Him for help. Perhaps He is using this situation for you to grow or to have this experience to help others. Whatever it is, God will make it up to you.

Just pray for your mother and for your faith to get strong.

You will be in my prayers and thoughts.
Hugs!!!

I never had this experience caring for my mom but I have with others in my life experience. I allowed myself to be treated badly by my siblings, friends, love interests all through my life. It wasn't till after my mom passed that I developed a backbone. I grew strong in my convictions throughout the whole process of providing care for my dear mother. My siblings were very unhelpful during most of the process. I took over because I had too. That gave me a backbone.

I don't think God wants or expects us to let people walk all over us. He wants us to help others and put others first by treating others with kindness and respect but if those people spit on us and treat us badly I don't think he expects us to keep coming back for more.

helenb63,

Honor does not mean being their slave and object of abuse anymore than denying yourself and taking up your cross means denying the very self God created you as.

I pray that you and your counselor will make a good team in helping you move forward. I'm sorry if your mother is using Christianity as a wip with her as the slave master. That's the mentality of the Southern masters toward their slaves and many of them considered themselves Christians.

I am struggling with this too, as I find caring for my narcissistic, unloving but demanding mother very difficult and feel very guilty about the fact that I do what I do for her more out of duty and fear of looking bad than out of love. My human instinct is to have very little to do with her, as she has undermined my confidence and sense of self from childhood onwards, but she has now made herself dependent on us (without asking if we agreed, of course!) and my faith tells me to honour my mother, no matter how difficult she is. I am working on this with a counsellor but am not sure I shall ever resolve it fully while my mum is alive.

For King & Country - It's Not Over Yet

And they are inside your head
You got a voice that says
You won't get past this one
You won't win your freedom
It's like a constant war
And you want to settle that score
But you're bruised and beaten
And you feel defeated

Oh, game set match
It's time to put it in your past, oh
Feel the winter leavin'
It's redemption season
Long live the young at heart
Cheers to a brand new start
We're revived and breathing
To live a life of freedom

And life is a race we run
So run till the race is won
Don't you ever give up (here we are)
Oh no never give up (here we are)
Life is a race we run
So run till the race is won
Don't you ever give up
We will never give up

This goes out to the heaviest heart
Oh, to everyone who's hit their limit
It's not over yet
It's not over yet
And even when you think you're finished
It's not over yet
It's not over yet

Keep on fighting
Out of the dark
Into the light
It's not over
Hope is rising
Never give in
Never give up
It's not over

Smiles can indeed be hard to come by. How about you help the Lord by contributing to the Jokes site? That's my contribution to the Lord.