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I don't usually talk about my expensive trips,
but I just got back from the grocery store...
(5)
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Oh, cool.
(phrase)

I really don't care.
(1)
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How to politely tell someone they're stupid...

"Wisdom has been chasing you, but you've always been faster."
(1)
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I bet aliens ride past Earth and lock their doors.
(2)
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Due to personal reasons,
I'm evil now.
(2)
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Once I start smiling in an argument,
go ahead and call the police on me.
(3)
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🙂🙂 I've been watching my weight.

It's still there.
(4)
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I'm almost a millionaire.
I have all zeros
now I just need a one.
(4)
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When I said I was normal I might have exaggerated slightly.
(3)
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There are two ways to argue with a woman.
Neither one works.
(1)
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All my passwords are protected by amnesia.
(3)
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Remember when you could strangle people with your phone?

Those were the days…
(1)
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I’m sorry…My fault. I forgot you’re an idiot.
(1)
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No I didn’t say that you - were - stupid. I said you - are - stupid. There is nothing past tense about it.
(1)
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Sometimes we expect more from people
because we don’t realize that they’re unbelievably stupid.
(1)
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Breakup (noun)

Deleting tons of photos.
(1)
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Study (noun)

The act of texting, eating and watching TV with an open textbook nearby.
(1)
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Eternity (noun)

The last two minutes of a soccer or a cricket match.
(1)
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Work (noun)

The annoying thing between sleep and Netflix.
(1)
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My tolerance for idiots is extremely low today. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously there’s a new strain out there.
(3)
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I’m not trying to be difficult…
It just comes naturally.
(2)
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Everything I say can be entirely backed by my own opinion.
(5)
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A loan at a bank can take 30 years to pay off.
If you rob a bank, you're out in 10 years.
Follow me for more financial advice.
(6)
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Had a bad mix-up at the store today...when the cashier said, "Strip down facing me." Apparently, she was referring to my credit card.
(6)
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Getting older is just one body part after another saying, "Ha ha. You think that's bad? Watch this."
(3)
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Doctor (noun)

A person who proves that the diagnosis you found on the internet is wrong.
(2)
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i already posted this. but i have to re-post it:

😉 A caregiver gets held up at gunpoint by a mugger who says, "Your money or your life!"
The caregiver says, "Is there a third thing? I don't have either of those."
(5)
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What do you call ten rabbits marching backward?

A receding hairline.
(4)
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🐟What kind of music do fish listen to ? 🐠
Sole.

🐄 What kind of music do cows listen to? 🐄
Pastoral.
(3)
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🎄🎄🎄
What kind of music do elves listen to?
Wrap
(1)
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