I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Stay strong and take care of you, it's amazing how separation from the narsistic person makes the behavior so obvious and so sickening. You and DH will find the balance to cope until she crashes and there is no one but rehab to take her.
Good work, keep it up and keep your peace in it all. God bless you and give you strength.
(I speak from personal experience with my dad being the male version of your MIL, the attacks because of boundaries are mind boggling)
You know guys, when my marriage was tottering, we sat down to a nice lunch at MIL and FIL's. Eldest daughter's new boyfriend had come for lunch; MIL served gefilte fish as a first course. This is something that not everyone, not even everyone Jewish loves. New boyfriend demurred; MIL served him a plate anyway (the way she is). Middle daughter helpfully said "X, I'll take your gefitle fish if you like".
MIL turned to my 16 year old slightly chubby daughter and said "what are you, a garbage pail?".
I remember thinking to myself "do I really need this family, this level of idiocy and abuse?". Middle daughter excused herself and cried for 30 minutes and was severely punished by my (now) ex husband for being rude. (!!!!!).
I think this is over the limit. What do the rest of you think?
I know I said no groceries ever again just now. I'd *prefer* no more visits because she can't be seen twice without a public humiliation and DH won't even support her when she's insulted in front of him. I'm sure this was not lost on the church ladies. Dorker, step away!
What I said to people when they asked me about my mthr when I was not in contact with her because of her bad choices: Untreated mental illness is so hard to deal with.
Over the limit.
The whole thing stinks. MILs vile remark and DHs response.
Groceries should definitely be on someone else’s TO DO list. I would not even arrange grocery delivery.
Let DH swing by the grocery store and pick up the grapes and crackers.
He was partially correct and he omitted some of the info, as it wasn't the setting to divluge that much info. He is aware .. that my upbringing includes .. more often than not, no food in the house to speak of ... the bar bill had to be paid before the groceries could be purchased.
Stepfather that was an alcoholic and a mom that found her husband and his whereabouts more pressing than that of 3 kids at home, with no dinner.
Dinner would be brought in .. in the form of some kinda take out .. maybe about 9 or 10 at night.
But even at that young of an age, .. it was a stark difference to me, that my friends homes didn't include this kind of dysfunction .. they had food in their cupboards and they didn't have to wait until a takeout could be brought in from parents who were at the bar until they finally dragged themselves in, to feed their offspring.
He knows that info (so does MIL, .. if she'd stop long enough .. spouting off at the mouth .. to think about it).
I'm glad he didn't divulge that info .. not the setting for it, with the two folks from the church there to see about MIL.
I had merely made that as an excuse to make my exit outta there (true though) .. that I had groceries to put away .. needed to get on home and get to that task.
That opened the door to all her remarks about how much food I keep on hand here (and she's right I do).
I remember very well, when I was a youngster that I would say to myself, when I'm grown and have my own house, I won't do it this way. And I don't, and haven't.
So .. him stating, .. "she grew up .. there was some lean times, so she is always making sure we have plenty of food on hand at our house", then followed by .. another attempt .. I guess at trying to make excuse for my actions, .. "the kids .. they all come .. when I cook, if invited, .. and I make plenty" (also true).
(with the exception of the eldest, .. she's a vegetarian .. so she rarely partakes of meals here).
And Barb: Gefilte fish ...???.... even the name sounds .. not very appetizing. Gonna need to look that up. Your poor daughter ...
Dorker, keep the visits brief. MIL’s sh*tty words are a choice. A choice she makes every time she opens her self-centered yap.
The mere mention of groceries was the perfect opportunity for MIL to compliment you for being her shopping taxi and extra hands for the past decade. Instead, she used it as an opening to lambaste your personal shopping habits. AND made sure the entire table knew that she disapproved of you exiting the “chamber” before she had officially dismissed her guests.
MIL is the same snide bully she was 50+ years ago. Just in a different body now.
[Dorker, if you weren’t so conditioned to always be the bigger person, you could have twisted the mention of groceries into an “entertaining” anecdote/warning to the ladies about what a laborious pain in the azz MIL is at the store. Any store. Every store. Every time. But I digress.]
MIL is the same snide bully she was 50 years ago. Just in a different body now.
To you MIL, your " stocking up" is seen as a threat. Not her way and therefore wrong.
Notice DH didn't say " I like it that way too, mom. We're different from you".
Likely husband was uncomfortable and nervous! I would harp on what he said.
But I understand that disappeared BIL more and more each time you post. Yup, she needs a whipping boy to feel superior.
Ultimately, this covers up a very insecure person, which is why she can't accept the imperfections and frailties of old age.
Right. MIL, as we have surely established, is running some pretty compromised brain circuits. Neither you nor DH should either take to heart or engage seriously in that kind of conversation.
You know how easy it is to talk for effect, when you're trying to be the life and soul of the party or fit in with a new group, anything like that? You can catch yourself chiming in with all kinds of opinions - "Carola Celeb! Ohmygod what *did* she look like!" - that actually, if your brain were fully engaged, you would never espouse.
MIL was talking for the sake of talking, talking for the effect of having a conversation. Do you think she has any genuine, serious opinion on what you keep in your freezer? Maybe she's always privately thought you're pretty well stocked. Maybe she finds that remarkable or comical or exasperating or whatever. But the only reason she was "discussing" - actually, harping on intrusively - it now is that it was a subject she could access. Add in partial loss of inhibition, plus her intrinsic tactlessness, and you end up with an entire riff about how you can never need fresh groceries again. It was nonsense. If DH needed to say anything he could have said "well you know my appetite, mother!" or whatever. But arguing your case, while I'm sure the dear lamb meant well, however much of a hash he made of it, was neither necessary nor productive.
Add this to the list of things you do not need to do any more. It isn't a real conversation. Picture her, if you like, with bubbles coming out of her mouth and "blah blah blah" - like the Larson cartoon of the dog listening to his owner. You Do Not Need To Hear It.
Barb - apple, tree. How do I bully thee? - let me count the ways...
I never allowed the last 2 things happen before I got the heck out of the situation I was getting sucked into by a relative who was determined to stay in her home and have me provide FREE services to her. She wanted to save as much of her money as possible to leave to her grandkids, particularly a grandson who won't help do a thing for her. I FINALLY put my food down and said enough. Got the relative into an ALF after a year of fighting the battle with her. On moving day, her claws came out! There was a home health nurse at her house when I arrived and my relative showed her butt in front of her audience. I had been sorting her meds for over a year and knew all the meds she took. I noticed a bottle of antibiotic on her table and inquired about it because she was notorious for suddenly pulling old pill bottles from the cabinet and deciding she needed to be taking those old medications that she refused to dump when they were discontinued by her doctor. Anyway, I inquired about the antibiotic and she went ballistic, yelling at me that it was none of my business, I didn't need to know her business, etc. The nurse's mouth dropped to the floor. Then relative went off yelling at me telling me it was from the dentist. I asked when she had gone to the dentist and she started yelling and cursing at me again that I didn't need to know all her business. I turned to her, pointed at her and said, "You are right. I do not need to know all your business. I don't want to know any of your business and I'm about to turn all your business over to someone else to mind." Then she started wailing, crying alligator tears and putting on a very high drama show as she knew I was DONE.
Later, she accused me of stealing her pearl necklace. (I'm the type of person who would not steal a cracker if I was starving). Now she wonders why I don't visit her weekly at the ALF.
She, when staying here sheltering from the hurricane had remarked more than once, as to my over-stocked cupboards, etc. Whatever!
That's the beauty of being an adult in the US of A .. I suppose. One can run their household as they see fit. Don't need anyone else to approve.
It's always been a source of fodder. I know at times when we'd take the gig to her house .. for instance ... and I'd show up with a big tray of beans to go with whatever is to be thrown on the grill .. and of course, all the hoopla .. who did I think was coming to eat all that?!??! .......... that I must've thought the whole neighborhood was coming .. all that kinda dialogue.
Oh but .. she'd be the first one, when dinner was over, .. wanting to make sure (something I always did routinely, for almost all involved if they wanted) .. make sure I portion some out to set aside for her, for later, of what's left of the dinner, .. be it the meat that was grilled and sides, etc .. make sure I set some to the side in her fridge.
The result of all her spewing forth of this kinda thing, .. she no longer benefits from the above. I don't routinely send meals her way any longer, nor do I take the gig her way .. and prepare it .. for her to make a bunch of hooey over how much I've brought.
And yes, .. when I'd bring a big tray of whatever .. and all the hooey over it ... you have my family with their s/o's or spouses .. and that is in and of itself 9 or 10 people alone in attendance, and partaking and then MIL .. and then if SIL and her hubby are in town to partake .. you're talking 13 or so folks to feed .. so yes, it'd be a tray the size that might look like you intended to feed the entire neighborhood. But .. .rarely did I go home from there, having thrown away (wasted) anything. I would generally leave some for her, and any of the others that wished to take some home .. have at it .. and I'd take the remainder home to my house.
All this hoopla over nothing really. It's her and her way of thinking .. and I don't ascribe to her way of thinking. So be it.
For whatever the twisted reasoning .. it somehow makes her feel better to knock me down a few pegs for that specific topic .. or so she thinks.
SIL has even chimed in a time or three, .. that she doesn't know how I even know how to cook in such large proportions. Gee, .. if it's a serving for 4 and you need it to serve 12 .. you triple it. This isn't rocket science here people!
But anyway. Glory hallulujah .. and snippet of what feels like what "normal" should feel like.
Had a phone call on the landline last night, .. saw on Caller ID it was MIL calling. I almost didn't answer it, and handed it to DH to do so, simply because the less interaction between myself and her, the better. But I did, only because I'm not going to run and hide from her and the whole mess, I've done nothing wrong here.
I did answer it, and the niceties that get exchanged at a greeting, and nothing more .. and then she asked to speak to DH.
Handed him the phone. Glory hallelujah .. normalcy .. or so it would seem.
She was telling him something or other about SIL having ordered up .. when she was here, .. a visit from some company that will come and take a look at her irrigation system (sprinklers) .. and that it's set for such and such date this week .. and could he come sit while they're there ...
THANK THE HEAVENS ABOVE this wasn't sent via me, as it used to be, via SIL .. from MIL and for me to haraung him over it. Jumping for joy! Literally.
No, it came from MIL .. straight from her, .. and not from SIL .. and not to me. Straight from MIL and to DH .. the two parties that need to discuss it, not SIL . .. and not me.
There was all this conversation between she and he, .... why did SIL do that, sprinkler systems are something he can take a look at, what's the problem with it .. .that she thinks it needs a company out there to view it all .. and her answering that SIL thought maybe that one of the sprinkler heads wasn't coming on at all, .. wasn't sure ... and him then responding to his mom that he'd taken a look at all that not too long ago, and it didn't seem there was any problem with it, but anyway .. why'd she order up a company to come do that, it's something he can do ... he understands the irrigation system and how it works and why, etc .. why pay a company to do that, it's something he can do. All this back and forthing over that ...
Him finally telling his mom that no, he won't be coming to "sit there" while this company comes .. that he will be in such and such town, working at that hour .. and no he can't come there on that specific time ..
I don't know what they ended up with, whether to nix the whole thing .. and have DH go when it's convenient for him to do so .. or what they'll do.
But I was almost about to jump out of my seat at the excitement that at last .. finally ... at last .. .this wasn't a directive from afar, in the form of SIL .. asking me to ask DH if he'd do the above .. and then the back and forthing that would've gone on with me on the front line of something I have not a damn thing to say or do with.
NORMALCY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOORAY!!!!!!!!!
DH when he hung up .. somewhat disgusted ... first point .. why involve a company to come there to do something he is easily equipped to look at himself .. why do that .. but also annoyed at the notion he has nothing better to do than just go sit there, while the reps from this company are on site to do whatever it is they do. Assinine .. was his thought. (I agree).
What are you so compromised that you wanna play that card now .. that you couldn't possibly navigate having a company on site to inspect and troubleshoot your sprinkler/irrigation system .. you need someone to sit and hold your hand and explain what's being done? Oh but you aren't so compromised you can't live alone. HUH?!?!?!?
I guess she also discussed with him that she'd put in a call yesterday to the two church ladies just to let them know she enjoyed meeting them, and thanking them for coming .. and that she doesn't intend to hound them to the ends of the earth with her needs.
I guess they talked briefly about that .. and again I say .. hooray .. .this didn't need to be in my ear, to relay to DH. HOORAY.
Said she also wanted him to thank me for helping to get that set up ... and to bring some lunch for all of us, that she enjoyed it and thanks me for doing it .. and would he relay that to me, which he did do.
I am elated. To have been stuck for so long in the quicksand of the muck and mire of all it is to manage her and her world .. and directives from afar that have not a damn thing to do with me, and then me having to direct DH accordingly .. just all of it. And to have had a snippet of normalcy here .. is cause for true celebration.
Have no idea how it came about that MIL took it upon herself to actually attempt to navigate this situation and it wasn't coming from SIL (as would've been the case previously, very very much so) .. have no idea how that came to be, but .. I'll take it.
Maybe SIL .. realizing .. when I did sit and talk with her, and spoke to her about not taking directives from her any further .. as to the home maintenance issues .. that she herself can direct that to DH .. and not via me. Maybe she decided that she won't get in the middle at all.....???......who knows.
I think MIL is probably very sore at me, if the truth be known .. that I'm no longer steppin and fetchin like I once was. I used to be the chief stepper and fetcher, but not only that, her social outlet ... and I'm none of the above any longer.
She could .. I guess .. go there with me .. and ask the pointed questions .. as to the why's on it all, but she doesn't. I guess .. maybe she realizes I did this for 15 long years .. and that I no longer ascribe to the notion she's okay to live alone .. and would flat out tell her that .. she wouldn't like what she hears.
Thus, .. she lashes out the only way she can.
She is playing you because she knows exactly what she did and you just smiled and walked away.
My husband calls me a food hoarder, in jest, my house it was what ever the casino didn't get would be spent on groceries, of course we all know that those big resorts are built because every customer wins, right?
Good job Dorker being gracious with niceties when MIL called, just ears up, when narsisist thinks they've gone to far they pull out the "niceness" to set you up. I know I sound harsh to some but, both my parents are narsisist and I have been there done that so often that I can see it coming from the tone of voice.
Yep, could've easily handled it that way.
But .. it's more a matter that first on her radar .. first and foremost (tunnel vision) was getting to DH .. to get on his radar to have him come sit and hold her hand while the evil nasty individuals from whatever company SIL has summoned to come look at the irrigation system,.. carouse her yard to do their thing.
The world lives and breathes to serve her, remember. We're all, .. I guess in her view .. all of us ... DD, DH .. myself, SIL .. the MOW drivers, the church ladies .. the housekeeper .. .all of us .. just sitting and wringing our hands in anticipation of what the next need might be, that we may be granted the priviledge of jumping to, to serve and meet that need and more.
I don't know how people get like that.
I guess, I should count my lucky stars that I'm able-bodied and can navigate most things on my own .. and if I can't, .. I have the knowledge and wherewithall to get someone else to attend to it (by hiring it out) and then I'm also fortunate enough that the big bad scary person from whatever company .. doesn't frighten me .. that I don't need someone to hold my hand .. while there is someone here to fix things.
I hesitate to say that, and define things in that way... I may very well feel like that when I'm 88 years old and living alone and can't navigate my way thru life very easily.
BUT it's that kinda .. talking out of both sides of one's mouth that I have little patience to tolerate.. On the one hand, it's said that she's fine, she can manage .. she's doing well, and absolute staunch refusal to go anywhere else for a more supervised setting as to where she resides .. but then .. the big bad scary company is going to send reps there to walk about her yard and inspect the irrigation system .. and she wants to know can DH come and sit in attendance. WHY?
What does she think will happen? That they'll somehow see this frail old woman and knock her in the head? Is that what's so scary?
This is a reputable company, been around for eons .. I'm sure they don't employ folks prone for that kinda nasty deed.
If she felt herself uncapable of handling that setting .. (which I think is ridiculous) .. then why did she allow SIL to set it up for a time-frame when she knew SIL would be gone.... she should've had SIL see to it, while SIL was staying there, or not at all. Or summoned DH to do so.
Whatever, it's none of my worry. I don't know a thing about sprinkler systems and so don't need to be in the middle of it, and am ever so grateful that I wasn't at all involved in what's to be done to see to this pressing need.
And yes, .. I have the popcorn at the ready .. to sit back and watch the goings on .. as they continue.
If things go like they did last night, .. I will eat crow .. the fact that she can navigate .. .sans involvement by SIL to direct things .. the fact that she took it upon herself to navigate this whole thing .. and called DH rather than having SIL do her bidding, .. and worse yet, . via me.
That was a snippet of a glance of how things SHOULD BE.
Her navigating her own problems .. rather than having SIL be her mouthpiece .. and directed to me .. via circutouos route to DH.
But yes, it's coming .. the PT set up .. as you indicated ... likely 6 to 8 weeks .. and these women .. they are just starting this ministry and there is only two of them signed on to do so .. and more importantly .. there are a few in our church .. aged (members) and sickly with cancer and so they will need also.
I don't imagine these women want to be in the road every day of the week, hauling someone to docs and/groceries, and lab tests, and whatnot .. not every day of the week.
So, there will be a gap in it all somewhere.
I am ready .. the dial will spin in my direction ...
And I'm ready. "Nope sorry .. is this on a Thursday morning? .. sure .. no problem, you got it". "wait, ..no .. this isn't on a Thursday .. nope .. I don't see to her needs unless it's on the day I have designated to do so .. I have other things to do .. maybe those MOW drivers can help, or her housekeeper .. or maybe she an call . and finally utilize the city transit service that SIl ck'd into for her (no that's beneath her to do so) .. well I don't know .. maybe GOGOGRANDPARENT ....... maybe Flighty C next door .. I dunno .. good luck ya'll".
It's coming.
If you keep backing out of areas where MIL is critical of you, after a while she will have run out of things to criticize you for.
I have shopped with her, however, .. and ... as another person put it here, .. how can it take 2 and 3 hours to buy what equates to about $40 worth?
Saying .. "I think you better find someone better suited than myself, .. she doesn't like the way I shop", .. she hasn't ever been with me, to dislike the way I shop. She doesn't care for (for whatever her stupid reasons) .. my full cupboards here in my house. Not sure why that's an issue for her, but apparently it is. But she hasn't ever been with me, .. on my shopping to like or dislike what I do.
And as for my hosting/entertaining skills. She hasn't ever found fault with the taste of what I serve, or how I serve .. or when .. she finds fault with the fact that, .. as she would term it, "Why do you make so much, did you think the whole neighborhood was coming, are you feeding an army?".
BUT ............
She's the first one to speak up when there are leftovers, wanting to assure she gets some set aside for her fridge. Ironic huh?
Not even sure why that's an issue. I guess it's something she can criticize to make herself somehow feel superior. I don't get it.
I don't really care, it's an annoyance for sure, . but I'm don't let it stop me, from how I prefer to shop and stock my cupboards, .. now the quantity of what I choose to prepare. She just doesn't get to partake of it any longer. Unless DH wants to see fit to haul something to her, and thus far, that doesn't really happen. I don't care if he does so, but it just doesn't happen anymore, absent my prompting and/or coordinating same.
She now gets daily delivery of MOW.
But .. even still, .. I know she loves grilled burgers for instance .. and so I would've .. at one time .. made sure that some of that got sent her way, along with some of my famous baked beans. Not anymore I don't.
Nor do I go out there, with the makings for it all, as I used to do .. and prepare it all there.
Her loss.
Your MIL is too much like mine in some ways for me to even be able to read your posts...the things she says, the manipulation (which, by the way, they are NOT aware of doing!)...and there just is no up side.
Yep--that snarky comment about you keeping a full larder was just dumb, on her part. Seriously, is it just too much for her to say "Dorker has saved my butt more times that I care to count!"---yes, I know it is. But she is the MASTER manipulator, and there's nothing that can be done about that now--just don't bring her food when there's a party she refuses to attend.
BTW, it is NOT uncommon for people to store 6 months worth of food storage!! Our church actually encourages us to do so, and we have always had a pretty healthy food storage ourselves. I pride myself on being able to ALWAYS throw together a quick meal for as many people as happen to stop by.
I do hope the sweet ladies are able to keep up with the demands, and I hope they can also say "no". I myself got dragged into a weekly babysitting gig a couple years ago--woman in my neighborhood was undergoing thyroid cancer tx. She is young with 3 very young (and horribly behaved) kids. I started out going once a week for 8-10 hrs, then it became 2 days, then 2 days plus some evenings. These kids were the worst imaginable (no discipline, no routine--not their fault)...this woman's home was a total wreck so I would clean and do laundry and run the oldest to pre school---mom was usually asleep all day, on strong meds. She got better and was fine....and I found out I was tending and she was out getting her nails done, lunching with friends...and posting it on FB--while I was AT HER HOUSE cleaning & wrangling the kids.
I stepped away as kindly and quickly as I could. She WAS incredibly grateful, that was never an issue--but my point is, you can go from serving to be being a servant pretty dang fast.
Sounds like your team is sort of working.....I love the "flighty C", the neighbor. Everybody has one of those. "I'd love to help!!" and they never do, which is OK, but don't count on it.
Good luck with Thursday with MIL. You're a good person to even be doing that. I wouldn't.
Stay strong. B/C a lot of us are following you and your saga and we draw strength from your actions!!
You don't owe any explanations about what you do and why - your food things for example. It's your business.
In my experience a Narcissist will never give you credit. They cannot see anyone else but themselves. They are entitled and deserving no matter what you do and what they don't.
The only solution is no contact, (according to professionals I have seen), which unfortunately you are not able to have right now.
You are a wonderful person and you've given more than most would.
Hold your ground. Don't feel bad about anything about yourself. You are doing great!
Me: Hi MIL, just calling to remind you I'll be by tomorrow morning .. by the way, what were you doing, you sound so out of breath.
MIL: "Oh you know .. I was just trying to get my clothes on .. you know .. that's about it for me in a day .. once I get that done .. I'll be done for, .. just about anything I do anymore .. uh .. I just .. I don't know what my problem is really .. I don't WANT to be this way ... but it seems that's how I am now .. just anything I go to do, .. if I can get it done .. that's it for me, for the day. Those guys with the sprinkler system are to come by today and I figure it'd probably best I not greet them in my PJ's .. so I'm trying to get dressed here, . not sure what time they'll be coming, they're supposed to call first .. I thought that might be who was calling when the phone rang, but it was you . not them".
Me: "oh okay well I won't keep you, I know you need to struggle through that so you can be ready when they get there .. just wanted to remind you .. didn't know if maybe you'd gotten that PT set up and were maybe slated for that tomorrow or what you might be doing".
MIL: "Oh you know .. I talked to those nice ladies .. I called them back and thanked them for coming . and you know the one woman yes .. she had said they would be able to help with that .. but ya know Dorker, I just don't think I'm up to it .. I really don't .. I just .. well here I am struggling to even get dressed for the day .. I don't even get dressed most days .. it's just too much .. just everything is too much, .. I wish I was ready for some PT .. I know it will be helpful .. but I just don't think I'm up for that at this point".
ME: "well maybe that cold you had .. maybe that knocked you back a little farther than you think it did .. give it some time I guess".
MIL: "Oh I think so .. I guess that cold I had really did a number on me ... I talked to *flighty C* this morning .. seems SIL had been in touch with her .. to get with me, to take me to get groceries .. but I told flighty C that I really ... SIL bought everything the grocery store carries .. I won't need groceries here for a month probably .. so I begged off of that .. ya know .. she talks a mile a minute, she's a real live wire .. you talk to her anytime at all, and you're just worn out listening to her .. she's so busy all the time. I talked to SIL after that and told her that flighty C had checked in with me, but that I don't need anything .. SIL said I would need more fresh veggies and fruits though .. but I'm just .. I'm not gonna worry with that right now".
ME: "okay .. well I'll let you go so you can keep working on getting dressed, don't want those sprinkler folks to show up and you in your PJ's .. so go ahead and get that done, and I'll see you tomorrow morning .. and if you need me to run out and grab some fresh fruit or something .. I can do that .. I'll see you tomorrow morning".
MIL: "Yes, . I really do have to go here .. this is just .. I have to get done getting dressed here, I'll see you tomorrow morning".
That was that. Brief and to the point, thankfully.
Observations. That's how compromised she is, .. just getting dressed .. just merely getting dressed .. she was out of breath .. and she's right that does her in for the day.
BTW - she had PJ's on when we and the church ladies arrived there the other day .. obviously hadn't even attempted to get dressed for the day.
The other observation, .. I guess ... SIL now in Flighty C's ear .. about groceries ... rather than Flighty C .. contacting MIL or MIL contacting her. So typical.
Wouldn't someone who "manages okay" .. wouldn't you, ostensibly, want to see that they themselves have some realization around whether they need anything from the store and reach out to that specific person who has offered herself for that service.
Why is SIL the one prompting this action?
So typical.
Glad it's not me.
I know that DH has been texted by SIL this afternoon .. sounds like the sprinkler folks found some problem with the pump and so some dialogue between he and she on that process to get the pump replaced (something DH can do, and will do).
But again, glad I'm not in that discussion. I used to be .. but so glad I'm no longer in the middle of it.
You remember Tuesdays with Morrie?
This is going to be Thursdays with MIL.
Dorker, be of good spirit. Since your first posts, almost a year ago, where MIL "wouldn't hear of" ANY kind of help, especially not MOW, she's been moved (mostly due to your stepping back) to accepting all kinds of help.
I'm sure it all doesn't feel to you like a ton of movement, but it is. You've set up boundaries in a very effective AND polite way.
It's tough for a person who is a people pleaser (hint; children of alcoholics are ALWAYS people pleasers) to say "no, I can't possibly do that (any more).
I am in total admiration of your steadfastness and resolve.
It's so sad that she's not in a care center.
Cold or no....she needs to keep moving and keeping up what little strength she has just to stay upright. I know she doesn't understand that's what PT's for. That's like saying "I'll just wait for this gash in my head to stop bleeding so profusely and then I'll go to the ER". Backwards thinking!
Dorker, check her legs tomorrow. The swelling may be getting worse. Nothing you can, or should do about that. She has already proven she'd not going to take the meds that have her running to the bathroom 40xs a day.
But, goldarnit! She's gonna have her SPRINKLERS fixed!!
Barb--you snarky devil, yep somebody should be checking her vitals 4xs a day. Too bad she's NOT in a place where that can happen. Soon enough, I think.
Dorker, so proud of you for sticking to the script!!! (This must be driving MIL crazy to not be able to "get" to you. I'm evil enough I kind of enjoy that aspect of all this.