I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Oh I can urge her, .. "gee, that looks bad, .. you really probably need to get on your Lasix" .. and hear the same song and dance I've heard .. oh about a billion times.
Or I can urge, "gee, you really might need to get to the doctor with that .. it's not looking good" .. and then hear the sad routine .. "oh it's, everything is just too much of a struggle for me ... I really don't even have anyone to depend on to get there ...", then go round and round with her about this supposed "team" (makeshift) that has been thrown together, and inquire about those oh so helpful (supposedly) MOW drivers perhaps.
There's not a thing I can do about her legs and any edema building. .
And the LAST THING ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH I WOULD DO .. is run it up SIL's flagpole, or DH for that matter. They've shown countless times thru their actions .. they aren't gonna step up .. .and see to it she has adequate care via a more supervised setting.
Truthfully, I hate all this.
It's not easy .. people pleaser for one thing. But in her former life ... I didn't find her as self centered and narrow minded and stubborn as she has become.
She's gotten old and frail .. and needs desparately to be in a better setting for her care .. but as we all know, her choice .. she AINT GOIN NOWHERE!!!!!!!!! Her choice .. obviously.
But nonetheless painful to watch someone struggle as she does ..
I mean .. when you can't even get up and get your clothes on without it being a monumental task that wears you out. That's bad.
There's part of me, that wants to be a smart azz ... (I won't, I always try to be as tactful and diplomatic as I can be) .. when SIL checks in tomorrow with her weekly requisite of .. "So how did mom seem to you".
I'd like to blast her .. "why don't you ask those MOW drivers .. they see her daily don't they .. get them to give you a read .............. or her son .. oh that's right .. he hasn't seen her since Sunday .. oh well .. what do you guys care anyway .. this is her choice, so by damn she's gonna live it .. doesn't matter how she "seems" to me".
I won't do it, .. but I'd sure like to.
If he says (anything at all) you say "you need to talk to her doctor. Now".
Alternatively, to MIL: "I see your ankles are swollen and you are short of breath. Would you like me to call your doctor or 911 (this is called a "forced choice". There are no other options. If she mentions something else you say "no, that is not a choice that is possible. Would you like me to call Dr or 911)
Her DOCTOR needs to tell DH what the course of action is. 911? Get her into the office? whatever. You go from there.
We leave there, I urge that she go do the DME thing .. we'll go right now .. no she's done for, she's done all she can manage for the day .. just wants to go home .. I've suggested after the fact, .. we need to get in the car and go visit the DME store and get that compression hose thing looked at. Answer: "I will .. I'm just not up to it .. I will".
Round and round and round the above goes .. if you only knew how many times ... countless times!
Have even gone the route of cellulitis beginnig and then a doc visit and rx'd some antibiotics along with the stern lectures about the importance of diuertics .. etc etc.
The cycle continues .. endlessly.
Why would I throw myself into that mix all over again. Why bother?
I could even route the thing to DH with a "Hey DH .you really .. if I were you, I'd put in a call to MIL's doc .. her ankles/the feet .. that edema .. its' looking really bad .. you need to call her doc .. see what they advise".
I know what he'll advise .. bring her in.
Then I'm in that vicious loop again .. "Dorker can you please be the one to get her seen, I talked to the doc and they want to see her, but I've got project X, Y and Z that I'm under the gun, I can't do it .. I don't have time to get her there .. can you do it".
Me: "No .. I am not jumping on that slippery slope again DH .. we've talked about this . not doing it ... you either figure a way to get off work and make it happen or talk to some of that supposed "team" you have in place .. but turning in my direction is no longer an option, I've been down the above road too many times to count .. she IS NOT GOING TO TAKE HER MEDS AS SHE SHOULD ............. I've told all of you that .... but you guys keep seeing fit to leave status quo . .and this is what it looks like .. it gets messy and ugly and no longer am I the stopgap to bridge it all ..".
That's about where it would go to notify DH of any concern.
Won't take the Lasix. Won't drink enough. Probably cannot manage to get compression hose on(!) even if she got them. Doesn't want to be "running to the bathroom" every 20 minutes...so, Legs get swollen, cellulitis sets in, back to the dr, or the hospital.....and SIL's been gone, what? barely two weeks.
You ARE going to see her legs & feet and you'll notice as she will probably complain. At that point, just assess the situation and call 911, if the swelling is red and "angry". Or do nothing, it's up to you. The swollen legs/feet will get worse and cause her to fall, or become actively ill. We all know that a hospital stay is THE ONLY WAY this woman is going to be put where she NEEDS to be.
Or you can bring it up to DH, and let it be his problem.
I can see where going to the Dr. for the same darn thing over and over is ridiculous and exhausting. And pointless.
This reminds me of taking my FIL to the ER countless times, only to have the Drs. there chastise him for not being compliant in taking his meds. They'd keep him for a night, discharge him with the same drugs he wasn't taking before and I'd get them filled and take him home and lo and behold---months upon months worth of stuff he just didn't want to take in the cupboards. Drove me insane.
After he died, I moved his recliner to clean and underneath the thing were hundreds of pills. Hundreds.
I did ask him, just once, "do you just want to die, Dad? Because that is what is going to happen. Either take your meds or don't, but don't make me run you to the ER again b/c you haven't taken them for a week and you're sick." Actually, yes, he did want to die.
Hang on--tomorrow's going to be bumpy, I think.
Such a gray area. I guess someone who has fought cancer or something equally as terminal ... and wants to cease tx ... they just give up .. sign on for hospice for comfort care and await their demise.
Her, .. none of it is terminal .. it's chronic. Treatable.
I've even been the gamut where she now doubles up on the Lasix .. .having seem the problematic edema that results .. and now dehydrates .. and so a trip to the outpatient ER and IV fluids and sent back home feeling better .. and promises to do better ....But doesn't.
There's very good, sound reasoning for why my involvement at this point is nothing more than superficial at most.
First off, she's not my mother, to fight with on all this. That's first and foremost. But her needs .. above being a fine example of having gone that gamut far too many times to count.
Most families, .. or I guess that should be the case, .. could put their heads together and come up with a better plan than what this all looks like as a result.
She OBVIOUSLY wants to remain in her home, at all costs .. on her own ... and her offspring aren't gonna fight that battle. They don't wish to see her waning days as unhappy ones for her.
I don't know how she can consider this, .. "happy days" to be in her home. That's all she is, in her home, .. existing from one moment to the next .. that's it. It's not a life where she is engaged with some social network that brings her joy .. and/or some gardening club that she's a part of. No, it's a life of struggle from one moment to the next.
But it's what she wants apparently. To her, I guess, the alternative .. leaving her home, for whatever setting would be next, .. SIL's or a home somewhere .. that alternative, to her, ... it looks far worse than what she lives presently.
I'll go out there this morning .... and I can even envision that maybe she has mentioned some swelling and maybe feeling as if her lower legs/ankles, etc are feeling inflamed and that maybe SIL has directed her to have Dorker to take a look when I get there .. "I was telling SIL about these horrible legs of mine and she feels concerned and wants you to take a look at it".
I can see that happening, it's happened before .. DH being summoned by SIL to go there, to "take a look".
So if I take a look and things don't look good, I will just merely state that to her, and that she needs to get in contact with her doc, ... and I'll leave it at that. She will maybe state that it's just so hard for her to get to the doctor .. that she doesn't have anyone reliable that can do that for her.
I'll remind her of this (supposed) team of others that have engaged in all of it .. her MOW drivers .. her church folks that we brought onto the scene .. her flighty C of a neighbor .. the GOGOGRANDPARENT thing that we can certainly set up for her, .. the city transit service, which is beneath her ... and leave it at that.
That's been my problem all along .. the underlying current to it all ....
She's fine, she'll manage.
But she doesn't.
And no one feels the necessity to step forward and make other arrangements or strongly encourage to her that it's not working this way .. takes far too much micromanagement on the part of others for her to remain in this setting.
Not stepping on that slippery slope anymore.
When you are asked to schlep her to the doc, you say " no, I can't do that. This vicious cycle of non-compliance needs to stop and the only way that's going to happen is if your mother gets signed up for Hospice or palliative care. And that's a discussion that you and your mom need to have with her doctor. She doesn't want to live. That wish should be honored". If he balks at this, and says clearly she wants to live, just can't manage the meds, the toileting and her legs, you say "exactly! She needs to be someplace where she can be managed and cared for. Either way, there needs to be a serious discussion with you, her biological child, mom herself and her doctor. I'm not enabling this any more".
If DH is the one taking MIL to a dr's apt, I can imagine him just sitting there, fuming whilst MIL does her usual round of 'I can manage, I know what I need to do, I can manage' when she so very clearly cannot.
And DH SHOULD be the one to take her. Turn off his phone and actually listen to the dr. Would he deign to do that? When SIL takes her, she plays all kinds of games and gives the impression she's got it all under control, which, when she's there, she does. Once she's gone, MIL just crashes and burns within weeks, or even days.
Barb is SPOT ON---someone MUST say those words to the Dr. MIL's non compliant, no matter what she says. She can't even muster the energy to dress. She lives alone. she has this elderly dog, a huge yard, a home to care for.... No one "cares' for her 24/7. When seen in that light, the true light, the Dr. may sit up and take notice. May actually HAVE to report her as an elder in danger. She'd hate DH for that, but a Dr. can and will have a patient placed for safety, if home living conditions are not safe. Drs. are mandated reporters!! (Last time I had a surgery, the Anesthesiologist saw that my hubby and I were not really acting very 'companionably'---so he (the dr) asked me when he took me back to the OR if I felt safe, if I thought my DH could be abusing me--etc. I laughed, but they were dead serious. Told me I was in a safe space, etc. I think if I had said "no, he's abusive" they'd have had him arrested in the waiting room.
Similarly, though MIL is far from being abused, or even neglected, she is very much at risk.
Well--good thoughts to you---Thursdays are beginning to grate already, I imagine.
On a bit of a snarky side--have you ever thought of recording one of your "normal" conversations with MIL? Just for the record? And listen to it and take some fresh ears to hear her complaints and whines.....Maybe that's just beyond the scope of privacy and common decency, but it took doing just that to get my DH to realize his mother did indeed speak to me VERY cruelly, every single time we were "alone". Didn't change anything and he never spoke up for me, not once, but he KNEW I wasn't lying.
Ah, I was awful to do it, but I don't regret it. I actually got a lot more out of re-listening to the tape than I got in the moment. So much anger and hate. Long since destroyed, but still, I felt a little vindicated. I'm sure you often hear MIL and cannot believe what she says to you--like you believe her.
AS always--best luck today. You're hanging tough and that counts for a LOT!
If she needs to see a Dr, this is the opportunity to call 911, reliable transportation for sure, nope, no one at home to care for her, needs rehab, SNF, whatever, but no intervention from anyone, tell SIL if she rushes in and gets mom sent home, next time she leaves you call APS and say daughter caregiver left her mom. If this doesn't wake her up that unless she can do 24/7/365 caregiving, stop enabling her to be in a dangerous situation. There are serious legal ramifications to leaving an elder that requires 24/7 care all alone with no safe care plan in place. Your SIL does this repeatedly and expects you, DH, DD, MOW, neighbors whom ever to step in when she steps out. You are very near to stopping the insanity Dorker. Keep up the good work and soon you will be able to take her a special treat in a nice facility and hopefully, all the built up bitterness and resentment can be put behind you. (No criticism meant, it is all righteous anger, for sure. I just hate to read the pain it all causes you)
She complained that she'd taken her Lasix yesterday and that meant she wasn't "making it" to the bathroom as she should be. I suppose that means Depends/accidents .. I didn't ask.
Her saying the words: "I took my Lasix yesterday ......", .. does that mean she doesn't take it daily as rx'd ...???....I would presume that's what that means. But I didn't ask.
Glad that bullet was dodged.
She is still ...... oh everything she does .. just any and everything .. she has to then go sit down .. just anything she does. When I got there, she had the dog's little kibbles in a cup and his special canned food out .. and his doggie plate .. standing there at the counter .. walker at her side. Soon enough, she sat the components above onto her walker, and then traversed the 3 or 4 steps it would take at that point, to get to the kitchen table, to then mix up his conglomeration of foods.
Mixed up his foods for him, handed me the plate to sit it down for poochy and asked that I check his water bowl, which did need refill and I dutifully did that.
To watch her .. everything is laborious ....
Just that few steps to then sit down at the kitchen table, and when she sat .. after those few steps .. it was a big PHEW........... like she'd run a marathon. Not out of breath, not that way .. just .. the effort it takes to even get from point A to B even though it's only a few steps .. is monumental.
Sat there and visited for a few minutes and she mentioned wanting me to go to the grocery for her, just out of some fresh fruit .. and so we made a list of the things she needs .. and she asked if I'd sweep off her deck out back .. and yes, I did that for her.
Asked me to move the hose (garden hose) from the one spiggot it was attached to, .. as the pump for that spiggot is out of order and a new pump is on the way .. being shipped. But in the meantime, there's no water to be had from that one spiggot .. and so would I unattach the hose from that specific spiggot and attach it to the other one out there. Did that for her.
Wanted me to sit while she showers .. just sit in her bedroom .. in case she falls. Did that.
She made her way out of that area (dressing room) having showered, and again .. just the few steps to then get to the chair that sits there .. you'd of thought she'd run a foot race. Not out of breath per se .. just worn out.
I then left for the grocery store to gather the few things she needed from there. Brought those back and put them away ...
And she mentioned something or other about the laundry that was stacking up and I offered to bring that to my house to launder it for her, .. and that's with me, to take care of.
That's a whole other story ....
Her washing machine .. it's about the same as .. I guess back in the day when folks had to use washboards .. pioneer days. Not that bad, but almost.
Her washing machine drainage .. what a mess. Been that way forever.
Basically without boring you all to tears ......... the drainage system for her washing drainage .. it's falling backwards .. (years and years of wear and tear ..???.....installed incorrectly to begin with when the house was built in the 70's ..??....who knows). But suffice it to say her drainage for that system .. it falls b'wards .. that results in .. overflow and flooded floor. One has to literally stand there, as the washer drains and open and close the lid to the washer .. so that the water can slowly drain down this broken system .. before it gets too much flow of water that it can't handle, and then overflows.
Why not fix it?
It can be fixed ... and in fact DH can do it.
BUT ..........
It's going to entail busting up a concrete floor and part of that will be replacing her linoleum flooring in her utility room, which is right off from her kitchen .. same flooring .. it would be hard to match, if at all possible even ........ and so you'd end up replacing the flooring for the entire kitchen and utility room, .. all one big area ...
Her home is on a concrete slab. I know you folks that live up north have basements and so forth. Not so much here in FL .. no homes with basements here .. that I know of.
It would entail busting out a lot of concrete in from her utility room and into her kitchen .. and so that would be the first problem (doable, but not easy) .. and then of course, the flooring would also need replacement ..
The whole thing .. DH could do it .. but she doesn't want to mess with it.
Remember, this is a home that when she dies, .. the bank takes it .. reverse mortgaged.
So she doesn't want to invest the $ into fixing what is a broken drainage system for her washing machine, .. btw .. that drainage system not the same as what drains the plumbing from the rest of her house .. thus .. no problems with toilets that overflow or showers or sinks .. it's a different system.
It's been that way for quite some time. And I guess, .. if you're just one person living alone .. not soiling a bunch of laundry .. it's a PITA ........... but not something one can't just muddle thru.
I guess, . if you are as compromised as she is (and she is) .. and ... now possibly some "accidents" with the whole diuretics thing .. maybe it's more of a problem I dunno.
She has a housekeeper, and I'm sure that housekeeper if it were a normal washing machine situation . would think nothing of throwing in the load or two of clothes that generates in one week for one single lone person.
But not when it's a matter that you have to literally stand there, as it goes thru it's drainage process .. stand there and open and re open the lid .. time and time again .. as the water drains out. Takes too long.
So I've brought the basket here and will take care of that for her ..and I suppose .. DH can run it back out there to her ... or YD or DD .. or whatever. I won't be going again until next Thursday .. so ..........
She mentioned trying to get ahold of YD .. dog needs washing. She can do that, and I told her to do that.
Mentioned needing to get ahold of DD .. needs a haircut .. told her to do that, reach out to both of them.
That was about the sum of the visit there .. nothing catastrophic thankfully.
And dear G-d, how did those 2 golden girls deal with laundry for the months that SIL bunked with MIL??
Dorker, you have come too far to backslide into servitude by being MIL’s laundress. This is not a job for your daughters, either.
I have two words: Laundry service.
Google some local laundry businesses (with pick-up/deliver) and make a few calls. Get some price quotes. Should be reasonable, considering how little laundry one person creates.....and how many rickety old people are in Florida!
If the cost is at all feasible, lock it in (on MIL’s credit card that you have access to for her Amazon follies). Then send DH to her house to disconnect her washer and break the news.
If MIL can’t walk 4 steps without needing a serious recovery period, she’s in no condition to babysit a wonky washing machine.
And if MIL can’t bend enough to check her dog’s water bowl, she’s literally risking life and limb every time she unloads her damm washer.
Your in-laws are amazing, Dorker. But not in the good way. The BS needs to stop.
Something to do with the yard pump that has gone awry .. and DH needing to get that ordered and what the plans are to get it replaced, etc.
DH said that he was awakened with this, .. repeated texts regarding the above. All culminating with a return text from DH telling SIL that he's got this, .. no need for the countless texts. Annoyed.
I brought home from there, to launder here, what equates to about 2 light loads of laundry and have it done .. awaiting the next person going that way, to haul it to her.
I don't know that I will be suited to doing so weekly .. but .. for this one time, .. it wasn't a problem.
As to DD being summoned to do her hair .. that's between DD and her g'mother .. g'mother can contact her, or not .. I won't be doing the bidding on her behalf. As will be the case with regard to YD and the dog washing.
To them, .. she's g'ma .. and they have a fondness for her .. annoyance yes .. find her too drama filled and grow weary of her never ending nostalgia she lives in .. and life's lessons she wants to impart from her on high porch of all things wisdom .. but none the less .. to them .. she's g'ma .. and so if they want to do chores for her, that's up to them . They are both adults.
I was just glad to see .. at least for now .. those ankles, the edema .. not an issue.
I did, btw .. tell DH ... in disgust .. this afternoon .. over the fact she's so weary she can't even take 3 or 4 steps without needing to rest ... my words, "I still don't get it .. I just don't .. that you guys think it's okay that she continue living alone .. she can't even go 3 or 4 steps without she's gotta sit down and rest .. 3 or 4 steps DH .......... I can't believe you guys find that acceptable".
Know what he said: "Good you were there to help her, .. that's why you went there" .. and off he went.
That's the mindset I'm dealing with.
I guess the only thing I can do is engage the 1 morning I have set aside to do so .. and then the rest of it .. the mess of it all, however it falls .. it falls. Yet to see anything fall thru the cracks .. SIL having been gone now, just over two weeks.
We'll see ...
You've set boundaries are are limiting your help.
There nothing, NOTHING that DH can do to move his mom. Nothing. She can choose to live thus way.
Until she ends up in a bed in the hospital for 3 midnights and THEN you work on the discharge folks.
Save your breath. And your marriage.
You did well. AND I am GLAD that SIL is blowing up DH's phone. Whether he's answering or not, he's getting the annoying texts that must make him feel 3 years old!
Don't let him get you down, and yeah, probably time to let the "nagging" go. My hubby thinks if I remind him once to remember something I am "nagging". He's probably going a little crazy with his SIL texting HIM not YOU. HIS problem now!!
I rarely talk to my DH about his mom. Yesterday (as he packed for a surprise trip) he said "I really need to go see my mom. It's been a while." I said, "Yep, Christmas, that's a while. How is she?" Blank look. He has no idea. I then said "Well, Mother's Day is in a month. There's an excuse to see her for your twice yearly visit." He sighed and said
"I am the worst son in the world." I wouldn't agree or disagree. She's hard to deal with. He's tired.
Once, some years ago I was at her house with DH and he and I were doing some seriously muddy work on her sprinklers. She said to me "Isn't it wonderful to just have a handyman at your beck and call?" To which I curtly replied "He does not do this stuff at home. I do it, or I call someone."
So we don't talk about her.
I think the laundry is a slippery slope. Why can't he hook up a garden hose to the washer discharge and run it out the window or door under some plants for gray water discharge? My plumber said I could do that but not him. Surely the city won't fine a little old lady making do.
Thus .. the washer drainage is a problem .. big problem.
No, I hope he doesn't think that a viable option .. I won't go along with it .. that he move MIL in here. MIL doesn't want to be here remember .. she won't even come for simple dinners here. Much less come live here.
Yes, great that those endless mind numbing amount of texts are being directed his way now. I'm ever so thankful!
He has little patience for it. He did note yesterday that he hopes .. oh how he hopes .. that his sister doesn't somehow get ahold of those church ladies that we put MIL in touch with .. to do to them .. what she does to others .. bug the crap outta them!
He said he was going to forewarn them that if his sister begins bugging them, to let him know.
Find it interesting that his sister drove me almost to the edge of insantiy .. and he didn't give a rip.
Maybe because NOW he is the one fielding her incessant texting .. so now he has a better "feel" for how that lands when it's you on the receiving end of it all.
I guess when he kinda bit back at her yesterday morning with the whole "No need for countless texts, I've got this" .. she answered him with "See, that's why I didn't want to be in the middle of all this".
Interesting .. yesterday when I was at MIL's .. she talked about the day before when the guys from whatever irrigation/sprinkler system had come by there to do an inspection .. (I guess that's where it was determined her pump is bad, thus the incessant texting from SIL to DH) .. but anyway .. he talking of that. She'd tried to get DH to come out there, but he'd begged off, telling his mom that he had to be in such and such town working that day and wouldn't be available to come that way.
She was telling me, .. MIL was ........... when the guy got there, she dialed up SIL .. and put her on the phone with him. I guess he was on the phone with her, for quite a while, according to MIL .. as she then questioned him about this and that and every other thing but the price of carrots ... (poor guy).
MIL's words: "I just put him and her on the phone together, she's the one that messed with all that when she was here, and set up the appointment .. I wouldn't of even known what to ask him to look at, .. then if I'd of even tried, .. it would've been, after the fact, .. by SIL .. well mother did you ask him about ______________ and did he check on ______________, what did he say about _______________? ............ I wouldn't of even known what to ask him about and she'd of been, after the fact, questioning me on why didn't I ask him about things I don't even know what to ask about, so I just put the two of them together on the phone, let them hash thru it all".
I don't know about any of you here .. but all of it is enough to make me pull my hair out and scream.
First off .. this is YOUR house .. your problem ........... you don't even know enough about it to know there's a problem nor how to navigate what needs to be asked, and what needs to be looked at?!?!?!?!?!?! THEN WHY IN GOD'S NAME ........... among the millions of other reasons .. do you still see fit that you want to STAY IN YOUR HOME ....!!!!!!!!
Beyond that, ... "SIL QUIT FINDING THINGS WRONG .. things that need to be looked at .. or figure out how to stay here and deal with it, because she's obviously ill equipped to do so".
Hearing MIl express the above, .. I just want to scream in frustration! I mean it, literally.
She can't get more than 3 or 4 steps without having to collapse like she's run a marathon ... and she can't navigate the things needed to maintain a home ...
BUT IT'S OKAY ........... She'll manage ..........and "we have a team".
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can only say that I have to, for my own sake, .. I literally, physically .. have to limit my exposure to it all. It all makes my blood boil.
So badly!
Don't be to hard on your DH, he has his sister up his backside 1st thing in the am, then you saying something, he is probably feeling overwhelmed and at a loss of how to deal with narsissa and all the grief her lovely self adds to life. You know personally how SIL can be like a knat that keeps flying up your nose, talk about piddle in your wheaties.
DH has been cheerfully (not to mention quite rudely, in fact) ignoring SIL's texts for YEARS. He did because he could, because he knew that Dorker would pick up anything important. Now he can't.
Oh dear, is he finding them a bit of a pain in the btm? Tsk-tsk. Shame. Poor chap.
And yes, .. I too do have to snicker just a bit .. that DH finds it supremely annoying (I would too, and I did) .. to be on the receiving end of endless texts.
I don't think she's even doing him as bad as she did me. Truthfully I don't.
I'm sure she's about to spin like a top out of control over her mom's hesitance to get going with any on site PT. I'm sure .. if she could wave a magic wand . someone would be there in attendance, to help her along so she could manage getting dressed and then get her to said site .. and then lunch afterwards and then home and settled.
She knows her brother can't do the above. She's been informed that I "won't" do the above. So I guess it's up to the MOW drivers .. or DD ... or ... the church ladies ...
But of the above options .. none are going to be inclined to show up there .. and do the things necessary to even get her to the point she can now get out the door to go see to the PT. No one is going to show up there long enough to make sure she gets on thru her b'fast .. rather than dallying around with it all .... gets the dog taken care of as to eating and being let out and so forth .. and then helps her to get dressed by getting her clothes out for her .. and even putting on her shoes and socks for her (something SIL was routinely helping her to do .. along with the above) .. .and then washing her b'fast dishes .. and then out to the car and then getting her out of the car and into the site for PT .. and then waiting .. and then helping her to the car .. and then to lunch and help out of the car and into whatever restaurant .. and then home to get settled and deal with the dog .. since you've now been gone a while, so he now needs his treat for being a good boy .. and to be let out .. and let back in.
Who is going to do that?
Nobody above has that kinda time to do it. And 2x's weekly. And if she wants any incidental stops along the way to pick up this or that.
Someone ... as I envision it maybe .. someone more capable of managing their life and their setting .. would be more amiable to perhaps having the local transit authority to pick them up .. and deliver them to where they need to be ... and maybe better able to manage all the above minutia that has to be seen to before one can even get in an auto to go anywhere.
Normally, .. in the past ... I'd of been directed from afar .. to get that on the radar to attend to. It would've been (indirectly) requested of me .. to see to the above. And I'd of likely done so.
All I can do at this point, .. all while hating it that life is so horrible for her .. and I can't fix that .. is to limit my exposure to it all .. involve myself the little that I do . and let the rest of it go.
It's not a good feeling ........ it's not anything that I rejoice in .. as in a "haha ... look at ya now you old codger". That's not it at all.
But ... when I said what I did a year or so ago, that we need more help in all of this and it got denied at that time, rejected. I meant what I said, that hasn't changed.
So now there is supposed help in it all, .. so ... avail yourself of the help ... or don't. But I still am not stepping in to fill those shoes ever again. Even though, not doing so, there is knowledge on my part, .. that it's not good .. it's just not a good set up there.
In the meantime, I'm going to have to relearn .. retrain myself, to zip it. Zip my lip and just say little to nothing. Very hard for me .. but I'm gonna work on that now.
When DH spouts off about his sister bugging the crap out of him, .. just act blase' about it .. and move along with whatever I'm doing, and not engage. And certainly not add anymore dialogue as to the setting they find suitable for their mom .. just zip it!
I know this is very hard. I’m sure in some ways it was easier not to see her than to see her so compromised. I’m hoping you draw some comfort in knowing that you are checking on her weekly and that the MOW folks see her every day. It’s hard watching the disease progress wherever she is living and it will progress.
I used to remind my mom that she had alternatives. Not to nag her but to try to let her know help was available when she was ready. And my mom had HH and CNAs and in house PT:OT and myself once a week to do almost everything for her. For several years. It’s doable. It is hard. Both what MIL is doing and what you are doing.
I've been fortunate enough to not be exposed to it .. but it's gotta be about like having a relative who is diabetic and watching them sit with mounds of chocolate or whatever is horrible for them .. ingesting it all, all while a gangrenous foot rots away.
The subject of an alternative setting came up the other day with the church ladies that came by. MIL actually brought it up .. maybe as an underhanded way of putting them on notice. That, if they thought they were going to come by her life and persuade that as an option, think again.
She said it about like this:
"You know, people tell me .. why don't you go somewhere to Assisted Living or go to your daughter's to live .. but ya know .. I don't want to go anywhere ... I love my home .. it's perfectly set up for me here ... I have grab bars everywhere ... and it's all single story .. and everything I need is right here. And ya know ... I can sit right here at my kitchen table and look out into my b'yard and have some wonderful memories of years gone by with all the gatherings that have happened here and I can conjure it all up in my mind .. and relive it all .. like it's happenng all over again .. and everything in my house .. it all has a story ... and I just .. I don't know .. maybe one day that won't matter to me, but it does right now .. and besides all that .. what about my little dog .. what would happen to my little dog .. here, I can just open the door and let him out .. and if I was in Assisted Living somewhere, I'd have to be able to take him out on a leash .. I can't do that .. I'm not able to do that .. what would happen to my little dog .. that little guy .. I tell ya .. he has been a lifesaver for me .. he's the reason I get up every morning".
They just listened.
It was easier when I was kinda out of the loop and not at all a part of it for those several months .. easier in the sense .. not seeing it, .. how compromised she is.
But I do remind myself, a LOT .. this is HER CHOICE. Not one I think should be made, but it's HER CHOICE.
Yes, she struggles .. to just get a few steps with her walker ...
She even admitted to me when I went there the other day (and if she was looking to be chastised by me, it didn't happen). She was talking about her potted geraniums out back on her deck and how they were looking so bedraggled .. and that she'd hobbled out there to her deck .. the other day .. didn't have her walker, just her cane .. and what a death trap that deck is (and it is .. ) .. but that she just had to go out there to her geraniums and clean then up some and water them ..
Nothing but a cane.
Here she complains that even with a walker, it's all she can do is go maybe 3 or 4 steps .. and she's done for. She'd hobbled, I guess, .. along out there to her deck .. and with nothing but a cane.
It's going to happen ... before long .. she will take another nasty spill .. and God only knows how bad it will be .. or not.
I predict .. if things continue, if she lives long enough .. she's going to end up in a wheelchair .. simply because she .. whatever her issues are .. myscle atrophy .. I dunno .. but .. she just struggles so to get up ..to get down into a seat .. to make any forward progress .. even with a walker ...
A wheelchair to her .. I dunno .. I guess symbolizes that she might as well just go find a way to step in front of a Mack Truck and end it all.
And I watch all this and I think .. (but don't say it) .. ya know .. if you lived in AL somewhere .. you would have help with daily things you need to do .. and you'd have PT at your disposal . and transport .. more than likely .. to and from where you need to go and companionship .. and not having to sit and gaze out your kitchen window and relive the gatherings from the past.
It just .. to me .. it saddens me ..
I don't see how that is any life at all.
But it's the one she chooses, that's for sure.
I'm sure there is a lesson to be learned in all of this .. and one day that will be so crystal clear. Other than the obvious .. make plans for your own waning days and how you want it to look. But some other subversive message in it all that will one day be clear .. having weathered all this.
As for me, right now .. I'm going to go get ready for a concert we're attending tonight .. and try to get away from it all, as best I can. Even if for a few hours.
Your new resolve has stripped away some of your loved ones’ delusions.
And people being human and all, they might “cope” with their new discomfort by taking their angst out on you. Perhaps directly. Perhaps sideways.
Protecting yourself is a process, not just a one-day decision. Keep up the good work.
And have fun tonight!
I've read and observed that folks of the generation born before WWII have a certain take on disability, that folks with crutches, wheelchairs are to be pitied. And mostly kept out of sight.
Those of us born in the post WWII generation, the boomers, we have a somewhat more nuanced view of folks with disabilities.
But the folks born in the last 35 years or so? Oh my, they are of the CAN DO generation. They see no difference between a guy in a wheelchair or with artificial legs and themselves.
We've come a long way in this country to normalizing the idea that people in wheelchairs are "differently abled" and not "disabled".
Got a lady in my building with a wheelchair and an O2 tank who goes out to work everyday in her handicap accessible van. She runs an organization that oversees the work of workers with various kinds of disabilities.
It's a different world out there.
Dorker you have such a big heart. You do genuinely care about MIL. It's hard for you to see this unfold, maybe harder than anyone else. It is sad to watch and you have a ringside seat.
But like you said, you can't fix it.
You have done, and are still doing all you can. Taking care of yourself is not selfish.
Maybe more help can be brought in. Unfortunately it's expensive but I've seen it work pretty well if you can get just the right person/ people.
I think you are doing all the right things even if they don't feel right sometimes. It's just hard.
Wonder if there are dog walking services that come to Als?
I have a wheelchair bound neighbor ( a different one) who has a service dog. She takes him out every day on a leash.
And a dog walker? You're kidding right?
That's the perfect excuse for her to stay right where she is. She has her house, where she can simply open the door, to let the dog into the b'yard .. every 2 hours if not more frequently. How could she possibly employ a dog walker that would come first thing in the morning .. and then 2 hours later .. if he'll wait that long (dog is old too remember) .. and then another 2 hours later, if he'll wait that long .. and then another 2 hours later, .. thru the day .. and into the evening. And then again, at bed time.
Nah .. she has the "perfect set up there" .. she simply has to open the door and let the dog out and open the door and let the dog back in.
And yes, I think that you're right Barb with the generation born before WWII .. and their sensibilities as to differences in people. She likes to tout that she is so very evolved (and I think she is, in some senses) .. but I think deep down, that may be what's at the root of some of this, though she doesn't speak it in those terms and show herself to be so very un-evolved. Quite the contrary .. as to her spoken words.
I don't see it as self-sabatoge as to going out onto the deck to deal with her geraniums as much as I see it as just being careless, period. Wreckless, careless, .. not giving any thought at all, to the fact that is a setting she really has no business trying to deal with. No forethought, lack of much insight.
The above .. and all the many components that make up the whole scene that I have so little patience for anymore.
She could .. if she just would .. hire some kid somewhere (it'd be hard to find one, but it's not something that's impossible) to walk her dog. She could .. if she just would .. figure that she's gonna have to pay a mobile dog wash service, rather than summon YD to do it. She could .. do a LOT of things .. but she chooses not to .. thus living in this suspended animation of calling herself "managing".
She doesn't "manage". That's well established. But .. no one is going to address it, rather they'll just piece meal together whatever haphazard plan of a "team" of support.
Right now being a fine example. I know, only because YD mentioned it last night. It's on her radar to go and wash poochy today for MIL.
Fine, she's an adult .. if she feels inclined to do it, then have at it.
Then .. I get a text from DD this morning .. and she mentions that she was thinking that she'd head out to MIL's to do her hair (cut her hair) .. but that she just doesn't "feel it" .. not into it. Can't go there . and deal with her g'mother's incessant talking that she does .. and living in her nostalgia of yester-year .. just in no mood for it .. that and .. she'd have to have help with the babies .. and ... her 4 yo .. (the 4 yo does talk a lot .. she's at that age .. *why, why is the grass green, why is the sky blue, why do birds sing, why is it raining, when will the sun shine again* she's just at that age. DD saying .. "I just can't go there .. not a day for it, don't have the patience .. not for g'ma and her incessant talking, all while the 4 yo also talks and talks and talks and talks .. and the babies are crawling loose everywhere .. I just don't have it in me today".
That may have been my que to step up and "bring all three kids to me, and you go deal with MIL".
Nope.
Didn't offer that.
What I did offer, "I go to deal with MIL on Thursday mornings .. if you want to slate your hair deal for then, .. I'll be glad to be on site to watch your babies while you do here hair for her .. and I'll just forgo anything else she might've needed on that moring in lieu of watching the babies for you to do that for her".
(She had already stated that when she goes .. she'd probably opt to take the babies so that MIl an see/enjoy them).
Fine, honorable to think of MIL and her enjoyment she'd get out of watching the babies (and no MIL is in no way shape or form, any help with the babies .. she would've been in her years past .. but she's far too compromised at this point, .. she can hold one and give it a bottle .. but short of that . no .. she's no help). They are now crawling, both of them, and cruising along holding onto and pulling themselves up on furniture .. she can't hop up to keep one out of danger of falling ... grab one up to cuddle it if it falls .. that kinda thing. So DD would be out of commission .. as to helping with her babies .. she'd have her hands all in the hair doing .. for MIL.
I enjoy the babies and the 4 yo .. don't get me wrong, I certainly do. But I spent .. all of Wednesday with them .. going to feed ducks, lunch .. and just in general .. hanging out with DD and kids. And then Thursday I went to the MIL front to help.
I don't wish for this to be a scenario that ends up my being the stopgap to watch the kids while MIL is attended to by DD. Be that to do her hair, or haul her hither and yon or go and do any number of assundry of errands for MIL.
That's not the set up I'm looking for here, and I'm the stopgap as to watching the kids so that DD can then become the new Dorker to attend to all MIL's needs.
If I was willing to do the above (and I'm not) .. that's precisely what would occur in the end.
It's a balance I"m having to find. I don't mind the kids .. I truly don't (though they do wear me out, to a level that is beyond any worn out I've ever experienced, .. there's a load of difference in managing kids in your 20's and 30's and my age .. I get worn out!). I don't mind them .. and enjoy them in fact, .. as a rule .. but .. important here, .. on my own terms.
If I want to plan my life (which is kinda how I do it) so that I clear my calendar of other responsibilities and spend my day with the kids . that's what I'll do.
But I don't really care to engage in a scenario that will now .. if I let it be . have me watching the kids 2 and 3 x's weekly .. for differing needs that DD is now in the streets to see about on the MIL front.
DD didn't answer as to whether she'd see fit to do this on the normal routine Thursday that I go to MIL's anyway .. Maybe she will set it up like that. But all will have to understand . .that means any needs that MIL has .. that she thought Dorker would see to, on her Thursday .. will now be shelved, in lieu of Dorker now caring for busy babies on site, .. so that she can have her hair attended to by DD.
That's what I refer to .. when I say that her needs are great/many and there's no one here that can attend to it all .. it's the truth.
DD is busy .. she has 3 kids under the age of 5 years old .. two of them busy crawling babies . and her home of course is child proofed to the hilt .. so she stays home A LOT .. to deal with them there, where it's safe for them for the most part. She brings them here . and it's not as child proofed here as I'd like it, but when I have agreed to watch them here, that's all I do, watch them .. to keep them out of harm's way and play with them, nothing else on my radar for that time frame.
It's almost like there now needs to be some dialogue and understanding on the parts of all involved, .. "okay DH .. let's talk here .. you had mentioned a *team* and you'd so proudly announced that DD has stepped up here as to helping MIL .. when the decision was made, without even so much as consulting you .. that you so proudly announced that DD will also help .. so between you and DD you guys would help her .. .uhm .. who did you think will watch those babies for her, while she's helping MIL .. ???...me...????...think again .. your mom's needs are too great .. too many .... I could literally end up watching those kids for her, 2 and 3 x's a week or more, while DD runs the roads in service to your mom, that doens't work for me .. and no .. don't come at me with *well you enjoy them* ... I do .. yes enjoy them, but there's a HUGE difference in enjoying them on MY terms .. and on the terms of this having been hoisted at me now, so that MIL can be attended to .. routinely .. HUGE difference .. ".
So here we are, .. just a bit over two weeks since SIL left town (last time MIL needed her hair cut, SIL was in town .. and she chased after busy babies while DD cut MIL's hair) .. SIl no longer here in town.
And so trying to get that on the radar and how to work out the logistics of it all.
DD's husband? He's busy today working on his truck that's giving him problems.
She is .. bringing me, the 4 yo to entertain for the day .. DD is. And I'll do that. She and I will go get into something . and that works for me. But I don't .. didn't volunteer, .. "yes indeed bring me all three kids and you go on out to MIL's and deal with her".
Not setting up that scenario . not doing it.
If DH would like to volunteer (not gonna happen.. look at how busy he is already) .. to watch the kids so that his mom can be attended to, .. I'll be glad to help him with 3 kids .. but he's not gonna do that. He is, as we speak, at church this morning, doing his men's breakfast and then will do his drive-thru prayer and will then return here, to do the yard work that is past needing attention and then will collapse from a too busy day. Tomorrow we have church and he will be gone early to teach Sunday School and then he has some scripture reading that he does .. and then he has lock up duty and then he will, as elder of his church, go visit the sick and home bound .. and deliver communion .. and somewhere in all that, he will probably try to find time to go visit his mom also, briefly.
So the notion that he will be on the front to attend to 3 busy kids .. so that DD can then run the roads in service to his mom .. not gonna happen.
I hate to sound so hateful .. but to me .. that is the joy of being a grandparent . and I do enjoy them .. but I don't want it to become a must do thing on my radar . that now I have to .. watch the kids. It's just .. at that point, transferring one obligation for another (MIL and her needs, now transferred to watching the kids).
So here we are just barely two weeks after SIL has left the scene and it's not answered to as to how how the hair cutting by DD will get achieved. I will stand firm .. if she wants to do this on Thursday when I'm there on site anyway .. I'll be glad to be on site to watch babies for her, to achieve that, but that also means anything on MIL's chore list for Dorker, will have to be shelved.
That's the "busy" life we all live here and when I say to all involved, there is no one here that can put aside their life to attend to all her needs. The above is one small slice of what I refer to when I say that.