I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
She mentioned when I was there, .. YD had gone over the other day to wash poochy and have lunch with her, and she talked of enjoying YD's visit.
She then said, "I hate it that I can't even walk my dog anymore .. I so wanted to get back to enough health to be able to take my dog for walks .. if YD could just come over once a week and take my dog for a walk, and wash my dog for me".
I didn't acknowledge.
My thought .. "talk to YD". Further .. she has a nice big b'yard that is completely privacy fenced and so the dog can roam at will out there .. and it's not necessary to take the dog for a walk .. but if YD wants to accomodate the above .. so be it.
I don't know if YD will agree to that as a plan .. I haven't mentioned it and won't be doing so. Not mine to direct traffic on all her wants/whims.
You can bet SIL will though .. if she gets wind of this whim .. she'll be sending up flares in YD's direction ..
Good job Dorker, you dodged the net. Take your ques from husband, this is what I do, period. She doesn't want help, she wants servitude. I'm sure the big bang is close, she is not able to not have drama and chaos.
Keep up the boundaries, we are all cheering right now!
Get a phone call bright and early this morning ...
I handed the phone to DH before even answering it. This was met with a grimace as phone ringing .. handed to him, "it's your mom" ... (only because no one wants to have what is a chore handed to them before they've even had their first cup of coffee, and he's no different).
His mom asking .. if he has time to run to the vet's office .. to pick up her special order poochy canned food that's in at the vet. She did preface that there's no rush .. she has some on hand . .. not like he's gotta drop everything and run, right this moment.
Also prefacing that if he can't do so before noon .. we'll do it another day .. they close at noon on Saturdays.
DH is .. today .. working with a rented pressure washer to do some things around here. Was waiting .. .for the above to be pointed at me, as to answering to it.
Thankfully, that didn't happen. He just told his mom .. (left it kinda ambiguous) .. "we'll get to it", .. and finished his conversation and that was that.
No, I'm not making a special trip out that way to pick up special poochy food .. no one asked me to ... but if they had .. that would've been my answer. I go that way on Thursdays .. if it can wait that long, not a problem .. I pass right by the vet's office to get to her house .. I'll stop in and get it. Short of that, the "need" can be met some other way.
I don't see DH taking time out of what his his workday .. to go by the vet's office .. they work the same hours and so would be closed in the event he tried to do it before/after work.
So .. not sure how this will be addressed, sans waiting for me on Thursday.
Maybe I should sit silently and offer no suggestions at all. But in the interest of not having it land pointed at me to step and fetch I reminded DH, .. "she has MOW drivers that work that area .. daily ... and has asked of them if they'd be willing to run errands, etc .. maybe if you can't get to it .. she can ask one of them".
So be it. Left it at that.
In the past week .. she's needed
Her hair cut (yet to be seen to)
Her poochy bathed
Her sheets changed
Her yard irrigation system/pump addressed (ongoing .. not yet completed)
A few groceries picked up
Deck and garage swept
Kitchen floor mopped (not addressed)
And now dog food to be picked up
The "needs" ...........
Had I not taken the wise advice of all on this board .. I'd of been seeing to at least some of the above .. all in a week's time. Instead I saw to 3 of them .. on my slated time slot to go there .. and the rest of it .. remains .. unanswered to and/or in progress.
The "need".
It ramps up ..
I'm not sure why, Dorker, but that dog food thing has hit a huge nerve to the extent that I'm so tense my shoulder blades are almost touching behind my back.
It's... it's that they will put their select few to almost ANY amount of trouble rather than solve the problem by *asking* their service providers to put themselves out.
Vet calls MIL. "Good morning, Mrs Dorkermil, just to let you know that your order is ready for collection. Please remember that we close at noon on Saturday."
MIL: "Thank you, we'll collect it a.s.a.p."
Note the "we" part, there. And what is this "we"? That's right. It's some other person who is about to be volunteered.
Here is what the True Independent Person does.
"Thank you for letting me know, but I can't manage the heavy cans. Do you have a delivery service, or do you know of one I could use?"
I'm oh so independent but you can't expect me to solve a small practical problem. Grrrrrrr. Drives me insane. My mother used to do this with holiday arrangements. She would be flying to Borneo (I am not exaggerating. Really) to go and photograph the orang-utans. She booked tour, flights, insurance, bullied her GP into certifying her fit to travel. No problems. But she could not bring herself to pay for a cab to the airport (delegate to Brother); and she could not get her cats into the carrier to take them to their "hotel" (delegate to self). So use a cattery that offers a collection service, obviously! - oh no, she couldn't possibly, she couldn't ask the cattery to collect, oh no, much too demanding...
I said no. I didn't get a post card.
By Noon, MIL will have had her daily phone call with SIL. And recounted her dog food woes.
So help me heavens, SIL better not “advocate” for this nonsense via a text tizzy to your household and granddaughters. But steel yourself. Cuz she probably will.
Can’t MIL have this blasted dog food delivered to her via Amazon?
Of course, we all here that follow this stupid saga .. have well established that her needs are too great and she shouldn't be given the option to remain in her home.
But those who make that decision .. or input into that decision (or should) not on that page.
Of course, at one time, I was the one stepping to all that need/want/whim .. and began hopping up and down in anger and frustration that I can't keep doing this .. and to no avail. I backed out,.. then fine she can manage .. then by damn let her.
So now, fast forward to present day .. and of course, .. finally a sit down with the director of this stupid saga (SIL) .. and let her know .. that I backed away .. can't meet all her need/want/whim .. one person .. too much for one person.
SIL then assures "oh she's reached out now, she has her neighbor, her MOW drivers, etc etc".
So that's why this all makes me so nuts.
As you describe ..............
Wouldn't a sane person .. a person who fires on all cylinders .. wouldn't they have some recognition ..
*oh dear, now I had YD over here to take care of poochy's bath for me .. and then I had Dorker here to run to the grocery and change my sheets .. and had her here .. to sweep the deck and the garage .. and bring me a sub sandwich .. and poor poor DH .. had him over here all afternoon on the yard problem .. and I must .. now I simply must get ahold of someone else here to get this addressed, I cannot put this in their corner to deal with .. let's see .. I have that so sweet (Flighty) neighbor, but let me put in call to her, or surely .. those MOW drivers who were so kind to offer to help .. I'll put in a word to them . they're here daily .... and the vet's office . it's out in this area where they deliver meals .. surely they wouldn't mind just stopping in, let me handle this on my own ...".
Isn't that what you would expect of someone capable of "managing" to do?
Seem the only thing that has changed .. at least thus far .. is that SIL is no longer the mouthpiece for all the need/want/whim .............
Or rather .. she tried .. the other day .. and blowing up DH's phone and got some blowback for her efforts .. him disgusted that it should take this much direction from her (as to the yard issue) and blowing back at her, that he doesn't need countless texts .. he knows what to do.
So maybe she is now .. not the mouthpiece she once was .. but the need .. it still gets directed into this arena.
No ........................ you said you have reached out now .. you have the church ladies .. and you already said you were going to ask the lady to take you to an upcoming doc appt ... you have the Flighty neighbor .. ask her . you have the MOW drivers . ask one of them.
I won't say another word about it to DH ...........
I clue ya though .. he wont' be making any special trip to pick up poochy's special vegetarian dogged food. Not gonna happen.
Hopefully he'll remember the little tidbit dropped in his lap .. "she asked her MOW drivers if they are willing to run errands .. ", ........... there ya go. Make use of it.
Anything she needs to "carry" from one point to another has to be sat onto the seat of the walker .. as she ambles along.
Fine and good, sit the flat case of dogfood onto the walker seat and proceed ahead.
Ahh . but there is one little problem there. There is a one step up .. from her garage and up into her house ..
As it stands presently . she has a walker that lives in her garage .. so that when she gets out of the car .. (car she isn't driving presently) ...... she has a walker to get to .. she has one that lives on the curb .. the one step up ........ so that she can then get to that .. from the one step up into her house .. she has another one that lives in her house .. so that she can get from that one step up ... now she's up onto that level . using her walker .. and she can now take the 2 or 3 steps to open the door to her house and there is another walker she can now use .. and amble thru her house.
She wouldn't stand a snowball's chance in hades of being able to move that case of dog food from the first walker, to the next one, to the next one .. and so on.
And no, this is apparently some special dog food that only the "vet" has access to provide ????.....
Even if Amazon delivered it .. how would she get it from the front porch where it would be deposited .. into her house?
Sheesh .. makes me nuts all of this!
Veterinary prescription diets are among my many pet-hate hobby-horses, I'm afraid.
[actually I don't know what's been the matter with me the last couple of days. Seem to be frothing at the mouth over almost everything]
a) I don't ask my GP to supervise my menu plans. Why should I ask the vet to tell me what my dog should eat?
b) Dogs drink from toilets and puddles and bird baths and the river (unless you can head them off in time, anyway). Their idea of a balanced diet includes dropped ice creams, vomited curries, cat poo and the potato snacks that some kid trod into the pavement. And, new favourite round here, discarded eye make up remover cotton pads from the bathroom bin (I've put a new latch on the door, don't worry). And we worry about bacterial load and the danger of onions and raisins..? Well, good luck excluding all hazards from your dog's intake.
c) Vets take a commission from the big manufacturers - Hill's, Royal Kanin, Eukanuba, they know who they are - to recommend their branded prescription diets. They will tell you with a straight face that ONLY Paragon Products can save your pet from diabetes and arthritis. Next check-up, a new partnership deal has been struck and all of a sudden ONLY Acme's Companion Cuisine has the answers. It was in exactly this way that the scales fell from my eyes twenty years ago and I have not subscribed to a veterinary food product since.
Besides. Has anyone ever met a cat who lost weight on a vet's weight loss regimen? As far as I can tell, the poor little furballs get rounder and rounder as the helpless worried owners buy more and more snake oil treatments. In my opinion and experience the rot sets in with the first bag of prescription kibble and goes downhill from there. They're cats. They should eat animal protein, grass and - in the case of one especially weird Siamese - the corners of Mars Bars for trace elements.
If MIL is buying food that is exclusively available from her vet, she is almost certainly being ripped off. Can't you find some article for DH to give her about "research reveals Soopapooch renal failure correlation" or "px dog food ground chicken feet scandal" or something?
I don't really subscribe to this whole "specialty" diet thing.
But in the end, it's no skin off my nose if she wants to order and feed him Goose Pate' Foie Gras. Her dog, her pocketbook. Doesn't really matter to me in the end.
Anybody who has the $ and the wherewithall to fly off to some exotic destination to stock up on whatever it is they think their pet needs to eat. Fine by me.
But .. where it becomes a problem .. is when you can't see to that need on your own, and it gets added to the already too long list of needs/whims/wants .. that others have to now attend to. Then, I have a problem with it.
I am in the grocery store for her, weekly .. and it wouldn't be a problem for me, to grab some canned food of her choice .. (on her dime of course) off the shelf there. Doesn't matter, I'm there anyway.
But to go out .. another trip that way, to now secure this specialized food that can only be obtained via purchase from her vet .. and now necessitating someone else step up to that need. Not gonna fly with me anymore.
Someone else wants to do it, .. no problem with me .. I don't care. But I'm not going to do it.
Unless .. she wishes to wait til I'm coming that way on Thursday.
Her kitchen table a great example. An old antique oak kitchen table and the story of how that came to be ... and it is to go to DD .. when she is gone.
She already gave DD a set of dishes that belonged to her mother ..
Point being, .. she's kinda been on that page .. for years .. as to making sure that of the "things" she holds attachment to, .. that they go now .. so the other person can enjoy them .. or .. that they be assigned to whomever she thinks will get pleasure in them.
I am to receive (she wants me to take it now, but I won't) .. her fake Christmas Tree. I have always loved her Christmas tree .. it's a pencil tree .. if anyone knows what that is. I have my own fake tree, pencil tree .. but I like her's more. And so that's to go to me, and now, if I'd take it, but I won't .. not until she's gone.
She gave a very nice ceramic nativity scene to OD .. years back ..
Things that matter to her, .. and the story behind that "thing" .. already either assigned out, or already given out, and the story behind it imparted.
I think she gave her wedding band (diamond) to her daughter, SIL .. a few years back and she's had it remounted into something else.
So she's already begun that process thankfully. For the most part, anything in her house .. anything that matters .. has already been assigned to who should get it, and why.
Her attic ..???...that's another story.
I need to get that book for me! I'm one that could begin to de-clutter .. lived here now for 30 years and done the routine spring cleaning .. and tossing stuff out, but still have way too much "stuff".
Interesting talking to SIL yesterday .. sounds like her son is planning to visit from abroad .. he and family .. this summer. And they intend to come this way .. for about a week, ..
Remember, I'd suggested that before .. when it was imperative that SIL be here, .. as babies arrive, past summer .. and she be here to attend to her mom .. as I'd be unable to do so. She'd answered that before when I requested they consider it .. that her son wants to come to where she lives .. where he grew up, see old friends, visit doctors/dentists there .. etc.
Now, fast forward 1 year later .. and the son and family planning their annual visit to the states and it's said they will be .. (highly likely) visiting .. coming to her place, but will also then, fly down this way .. and stay for a week .. as they'd like to visit with MIL and have MIL meet their kids .. and so forth.
And also interesting SIL reporting that flighty neighbor was hosting .. at MIL's, she and her husband, bringing to MIL's house, the makings of a fish-fry dinner. Nice of them.
Struck me as being so very kind of them, to lend their company but also a dinner that MIL would enjoy. Nice people. This couple, probably mid-late 30's .. that they'd take the time/effort to do so.
I don't think Flighty C has yet to take MIL on a grocery run, which was the assigned team member (supposed team) .. designation. I think she offered one time, having been prompted from afar by SIL. But MIL declined.
But how nice of them. I must say, they are nicer, more thoughtful than I can take credit for being. I don't think that would dawn on me, if I had an elderly, isolated neighbor .. "gee, I know what to do! .. I'll take the makings for a scrumptuous dinner over there and prepare it .. and visit with her while there". If I even thought of it .. and I likely wouldn't .. I'd dismiss that as way too cumbersome to even attempt .. and banish it from my to do list.
I do agree - it is really nice of that young couple. In my neighborhood - it is very mixed - we have home bound elderly that have groceries and everything brought in, to young families with new babies. It is great how the elderly neighbors notice the kids and tell them they can play in their yard (small yards back to back) and give baby gifts. The other neighbors watch out for the elders and stop by to check in and bring the newspaper up from the curb. Neighbors just noticing each other and being neighborly.
And I guess I wasn't giving myself credit where it's due. I don't know that I have an elderly neighbor that I would invite over, or .. certainly one that I would take the makings to their home and make dinner. But we do have an old guy just up the street .. terribly ill with Parkinson's .. and his caretaker there a much much younger man, nephew and I have routinely sent food to them .. via DH.
I know we have a guy at our church, loose ends kinda fella .. no attachments at all, no wife .. kids grown and gone .. other states .. and I have invited him over several times, just so that he can enjoy a home cooked meal and some company.
So I guess, I do .. have a thoughtful bone in my body somewhere in there.
Had a call this evening from one of the church ladies that will visit with MIl tomorrow. She went last week and visited with her for a while, and will go again tomorrow (she was asked to pick up poochy's special food and has done so, and will bring it with her).
She wanted some input from me, on the topic of whether or not MIL will go, as is talked about, to her daughter's .. in advance of hurricane season .. and my thoughts on that topic, along with what my wishes are, etc.
I told her that my knowledge on that topic is that is the "plan" .. devised by SIL .. and that MIL's input has been along the lines that she says of it all, that SIL comes up with all these grandiose plans and she just nods her head .. and that in the end, .. she'll see. (In other words, doesn't sound real promising to me that MIL will entertain actually going).
In that discussion we also talked of how compromised she is, and how hard it is, just to function daily .. and not to mention in the event of a hurricane and all the hardship brought on by that kinda thing.
She said that she agrees that MIL doesn't need to be living alone . she is too compromised ..
Validating.
I know all of you guys see it from all the description that I provide here. I know that her son and her daughter also put voice to it .. that she probably shouldn't live alone .. but they don't do anything to force/push the issue. But to hear someone say it that has, essentially, only met with her 2 x's now .. and she has already garnered that, just from being in her presence.
She said she is working that angle, . in talking with MIL .. from the perspective (interesting to me) .. that maybe it's not .. said that MIL seems to have the notion that she doesn't wish to go to SIL's and be one more thing for SIL to have to worry with .. and look after. That's MIL's angle, that and not wanting to "leave" her things . in her home.
Said she is working the angle, in discussion/conversation with MIL that maybe she shouldn't look at it that she will be one more thing for SIL to look after in that setting, but maybe she will be of help to SIL there. Maybe if she would look at it that way.
I told her that will be a tough sell. MIL isn't able to "help" with much of anything anymore .. she can't cook a meal anymore, she can't help clean the house, .. . there are no little ones to look after to help SIL in that manner .. there's not much she can really "help" with. The only way that I can see that might be of "help" to SIL is that SIL would then have her in her sights .. and not have to manage her from afar . which is obviously more difficult to do. .
But it was just interesting that someone who has only really seen and talked to MIL 2'x over the last couple of weeks .. already at that conclusion herself.
Who knows, maybe she can work to persuade her that she needs to .. needs to clear outta here before hurricane season . and go stay with her daughter some. I hope she can.
First a HUGE congratulations on sticking to your guns and your plan!! I know that has been very hard. But you're doing it.
As to having the ladies from church come in--this may be the most brilliant idea--we so often have problems that we cannot "fix" and God sends the answers in the form of other people. I think you have that going on here--with sweet women who can "relate" to your MIL and listen to her, which is what she really does want, despite her insistence she is independent, etc. These women may be able to facilitate what you simply cannot. (My mother acts better for other people than for anyone in the family.)
Validation. Oh, how wonderful to finally get that after years of being told you were overreacting, whatever. Somebody sees the situation as you do and supports how you feel. Amazing.
As far as hurricane season--that's just going to be what it is. Since she no longer will come to your home, it's going to be she hunkers down in her house or SIL swoops in and physically drags her to IL. Anyway, you won't be involved.
Not that there won't be hiccups--MIL will have some medical crisis--she's never gone this long w/o one yet has she? Ah well-one day at a time.
Keep on with the boundaries and not doing anything beyond what you said you'd do!!
Didn't she speak to her MOW drivers .. folks that see her daily .. to deliver meals .. they all work that vicinity delivering meals .. didn't they agree to run small errands for her. Couldn't she ask one of them .. "hey on your next run this way to bring a meal to me, would you mind scooting by my vet's office, there is a case a food there waiting for pickup for my doggie".
No, she calls to ask DH to do it, and it was promptly forgotten by DH btw.
Turns out she asked the church lady to take care of it for her .. and so .. she did get it handled .. and outside of mine of DH's having to handle it.
So I guess that is cause for small celebration .. it got handled, by one of the others now engaged in it all, and without us having to do it for her.
But .. I am kinda wondering when these MOW drivers that were approached will actually be stepping into the fray for some of this.
Due to go there tomorrow, and if anything gets brought up about any other incidentals that need to be secured for her, I'll be sure and suggest that, .. "hey from what I understand some of those nice MOW drivers have agreed to help you a little bit, might wanna pass that along to one of them, to see if they can assist".
DD is going at the same time, to cut her hair. So tomorrow, I suspect, will be spent in chasing busy babies around MIL's not child proofed home and not in the persuit of all need for MIL. So be it.
We stopped after that, to get sandwiches to bring home and once I got her out of the car she gave me the biggest hug and thanked me for coming to get her and having lunch with her. She is precious.
There's nothing better that I can think of in this world than getting to enjoy the little ones as a g'ma. It's the best!
And tomorrow .. I'll be with them again .. as DD cuts MIL's hair for her .. and I chase babies around.
This is in part, .. what I fought so hard to get. Time to spend with my daughter, and g'kids. It wasn't so easy before. I could, and did .. get waylayed many times by MIL's needs/wants.
Not anymore, .. not so far.
You won't get anything done tomorrow aside from watching kids. And that's OK.
Are the MOW people allowed to do personal errands for the recipients of MOW? Here, they deliver the meal and hightail it out--others are waiting for food too!
Got there, and at first it was just enjoying the babies while MIL finished her b'fast.
You have to remember, everything MIL does is very very very slow. And that includes eating. I might could woof down my food and be done in 3 minutes . not her. So that went slow slow slowly. She finished eating her b'fast .. and by then we had toys spread out in the floor, watching babies play. But remember what a fall risk she is .. she can't dare get up and try to navigate around babies playing in the floor and toys spread out, she'd fall for sure.
So then, DD and myself picking all that up .. and making way then for the set up for getting MIL into a suitable chair where DD can then set about a haircut and getting me set up in the den, .. and cordoned off in there, to keep babies from crawling into the kitchen into freshly trimmed hair in the floor.
But getting MIL from the two or three steps from the kitchen table, to the chair sat now in the middle of the kitchen .. to sit her in, to now cut her hair .. gruelingly slow.
So that was that. Got her haircut .. and that about sums up the visit there. I didn't do anything else for her this time.
I'm sure there are some things that she'd of come up with for me to do .. .. but .. I was doing all that I could to keep up with two busy babies .. and by now they were getting somewhat fussy/cranky (past a naptime they didn't get, in the interests of going in the direction of a hair cut for MIL). So that's all I accomplished this visit. Just watching the babies.
Nothing else done for MIL, this time. She did mention her kitchen floor, a floor that didn't get mopped this last time, with her housekeeper that didn't show up. I guess I could've taken that as a que to step to that chore, but I didn't. And I likely wouldn't.
Her MOW driver showed up and it was DD that went to the door to retrieve the meal delivery and then subsequently go put it in the fridge for MIL, for later. It was at that point that I heard DD fussing, "Grandma you haven't eaven eaten your MOW's .. why not, there are 1, 2, 3 of them in here, and even the dinner I brought you the other night from when we grilled out, it's still in here too .. you have to eat grandma!".
This was met with "Oh I just don't really have any appetite these days .. I just don't... I'll do better".
DD: "You have to eat, you know what happens, you don't eat, you get weak .. you fall .. we can't have that .. now I need you to eat your MOW's .. you have to do it,.. don't make me call your daughter".
MIL: "She's not here . you can call her if you want .. nothing she can do".
DD: "Wouldn't surpise me .. she'd hop on the next plane down this way .. you better eat or I call her".
That pretty much was the sum of the above dialogue that I didn't chime in on, one iota.
Been there/done that, far too often.
No, it's not good she isn't eating right .. but it's about status quo for how it goes ... case in point of my mantra "she doesn't manage" .. the mantra that hasn't really been heeded by anyone. I didn't chime in and won't be chiming in.
There was a time .. the above ..(evidence of lack of eating properly) would've prompted me into action .. I'd of been sending up flares in every direction ..
Not anymore. Does no good. Yes, it summons lots of lip service, and lots of fuss/muss .. but not much more than that.
No point in doing so.
As to MOW drivers/errands. I don't know whether they are permitted to run errands. It's my understanding they are all volunteers, using their own set of wheels, fuel, etc .. and so one might guess they can if they'd like. But as you point out, there are others waiting for their meals. So, I'm not real sure how all that works .. whether they can, in reality .. help with any errands.
The above only came into play .. if you remember ... at one time, when the chit hit the fan here .. with a decision to leave MIL in place, here a month or so ago .. and of course, me into the stratosphere of what it takes to manage . .. and of course, no .. at least to my knowledge . .. engagement by others, in helping.
It was then that SIL entertained the notion of bringing in a HHC agency .. 8 hours a week, that was soon found to be cost prohibitive .. or so it was said on that end .. and so then it was said that MIL realizes she needs help .. she gets that now, .. and she has "talked with the MOW drivers" about running errands for her ... and so on and so forth, .. is how that all came to be mentioned.
Have no idea if the above was a fabriation and no basis in truth at all, or if it's in fact true they were asked, and they just haven't yet been prompted into service in any way.
Thankfully, at this point, I'm far enough removed from it all that the inner workings of it all, aren't apparent to me .. and I'm glad that is the case.
I asked the ?? about the MOW drivers doing extra for her--around here, I found out that they are in fact, volunteers, but are NOT encouraged to give rides to meal recipients nor do any outside errands or chores. The lines blur very quickly and problems arise as people begin to look at them as their step-n-fetch-it folks. That gets old really fast.
Things are just calm right now--enjoy that and keep on NOT getting dragged into more than you want to do. Soon that will be the norm and she'll "get it".
The only thing she'd done .. was watch adorable playing babies from her perch at the kitchen table, while finishing her breakfast ever so slowly. Then she traveled the two or three steps it took to get from the kitchen table, into a chair in the middle of the kitchen floor, to get her hair trimmed. Then, .. finished w/that, ambled her way another 9 or 10 steps (with the walker of course) to the sofa in the den.
She was done for!
Even said as I was leaving, she was going to get in the bed, that she was just so tired. Somewhat disgusted with herself that she hadn't done a darn thing at all, to even be so tired.
She probably could've used having her kitchen floor mopped, maybe the bathrooms .. the foyer, etc .. maybe run the vacuum ... change her bed sheets, .. so forth.
But I didn't volunteer to take that on .. and I won't be. That's why she has a housekeeper. I long ago .. didn't take on that task .. and a housekeeper was summoned into the whole scene.
Her housekeeper will be there next Wednesday (unless she no-shows .. and she hasn't been known to do that, .. not punctual .. absolutely she's at fault there .. but she hasn't been a known no-show person).
She's probably (perhaps) suffering from such horrible fatigue .. because she isn't eating right. Also, because she's 88 years old with a host of chronic health issues .. but it's not helping that she doesn't eat right.
There was a time when that issue would've sent flares shooting in every direction, alerting SIL to crawl up MIL's backside .. DH alerted to do the same. It would've surely sent DH (at my prompt) over there to harangue her and hold her hand while he heats her some sustenance ..
No longer doing that. DD did raise a bit of a ruckus with her over it, .. but I doubt that she left there yesterday and sent up those same flares in the direction of her aunt and her dad. She more than likely, left well enough alone.
I mentioned it to DH .. last nite when he asked how things went at his mom's. Told him I didn't do a thing for her, .. in lieu of watching babies so she could get her hair cut. But that DD had fussed at her a little, she's not eating.
He only said the following: "She probably hopes she can go on and die before she has to go to sister's home in IL".
At that I rolled my eyes (because that's how I feel about it) .. and responded: "OMG .. like she's lining up here to be locked in a damn dungeon .. for months .. it's her DAUGHTER's HOUSE ............ it's not a dungeon".
And that was the end of that conversation. He made no mention of making effort to go and force feed and/or hand hold .. to get that issue addressed, nor did I prompt any effort on his part to see to it.
Your body burns oxygen. If your heart function is that poor, there is little oxygen to burn and your brain is doing its best to commandeer what supply there is - partly by making all of the other systems go to sleep as far as possible.
I doubt if she has much appetite. If you're making enquiries at all, just emphasise foods she finds *tempting*. Forget the finer points of advanced nutrition, just getting as much of what she fancies into her will be good going.
You might tell DH to be careful what he wishes for. But careful wouldn't mean he's wrong.
Minor, but nonetheless.
I get a call from MIL moments ago.
MIL: "Hi Dorker, is YD there, can I speak to her?".
Me: "No, she's at work ..".
MIL: "Oh okay I kinda thought she might be. The reason I'm calling .. of course I'm sure if she has any free time at all, she's gonna be heading out of town to see that boyfriend of her's .. do you know if she's off this weekend .. isn't she usually off on Mondays and Tuesdays ... seems like that's what I had heard. I need to speak to her, if she can help me ... I don't know .. she may be heading out to see that boyfriend of her's .. but if she's available .. maybe it can wait til Monday .. do you know if she'll be back in town by then, if she's going out of town ... do you know if she's around on Monday. My dog .. I thought I could handle this on my own .. I think he must have ear mites again or something .. he is just constantly shaking his head and flapping those ears ... and I've just taken his collar off of him, those tags constantly whipping back and forth with him shaking his head all the time. I called the vet to see if they'd just call something in, or leave it there at the counter, .. something to treat this .. but of course, they won't do that. I don't know what it is with doctors anymore, .. vets/dentists, doctors .. all of them .. used to you could call them and they'd go ahead and call in something, but they just won't do that anymore, they have to see him .. so I need her help to get him seen at the vet .. if she's available .. if she could maybe .. if she's not gonna be around tomorrow, .. it'll have to wait .. til she's back in town .. I would guess on Monday if she's off .... can you ask her to call me when she gets in, .. do you know, have you heard whether she is planning to stay on down there with her b'friend .. will she be back, has she mentioned?".
Me: "No .. I really don't know .. I know she is coming in from work here shortly and when she does, she'll be in the car and gone .. to see her b'friend out of town for the weekend .. I do know that much .. she hasn't seen him since he's been out of town .. and so she already put a g'friend of her's on the shelf .. with regard to some plans they had .. I know she's heading out as soon as she gets in from work, ... but I don't know what her Monday entails .. other than ... my mom is coming thru town on Monday nite and we have dinner plans here .. and I need her here, on Monday if she's in town .. her dog .. we have far too much dog hair we're swimming in here, need her here cleaning it all up before my mom gets here .. so I don't know what her plans are but I'll have her give you a call.
Me: "Have you put in a call to any of your MOW drivers .. not sure that YD will be of much help to you, might wanna put the word out to the MOW drivers".
MIL: "No, I figured I'd give YD a call and see if she can help me with all this ....
Me: "I'll have her give you a call, but I know she is gonna breeze thru here and just long enough to grab what she needs for the weekend away .. so I'm sure she'll call you but it may be on her way out of town".
MIL: "that's fine .. yes, if you'd have her give me a call".
So here it goes. All this "team" that is supposedly in place ... I guess .. the "team" doesn't get called .. we do.
What am I doing tomorrow? I'm going to the grocery store to gather the things I'll need to cook to host a big family dinner on Monday nite when mom and her new husband come thru town and I have the kids and g'kids over for dinner on Monday.
I'm hauling some heavy covers to the commercial laundry up the road (my washer won't accommodate heavy covers). That's what was on my radar for tomorrow .. and I'm not willing to shelve it in the interest of running poochy to a vet .. vet is only open til noon on Saturdays.
And on Monday .. I will be cleaning house and getting ready for my mom and her husband's arrival that afternoon/evening, so I'm not available on Monday either.
Where is DH?
He didn't ever go hunting last weekend, too much to do here .. so he stuck around here and did some chores .. and is going this weekend, and in fact, has invited some little ones (boys) from church .. a specific set of two brothers being raised by g'parents .. and the g'parents in poor health and not able to get out and about and do much with these two brothers. So he has already been in touch with them, .. and is slated to pick them up later this afternoon and they will head to camp out and hunt some .. and return tomorrow afternoon some time (vet office closed by the time he will return) .. and he will be working on Monday .. not available for a vet visit.
What are YD's plans. I happen to know, but didn't want to speak on her behalf .. I do know she is heading outta here as soon as she gets in from work, about 1 1/2 hours south of here, for the weekend, where her b'friend lives. She will likely return Sunday night late .. he will have to work Monday ... so no need for her to be there, when he's gone to work. I do know she's off on Mondays and Tuesdays .. and so she will be off, but I'm not willing to forgo what I need her here doing, as to clean up behind her dog that lives here ... she needs to get that done .. before MIL's poochy and his ear problems the circumvent what I need out of her, here.
Where is DD? I don't know .. but as I said all along, the help that DD will be in all this .. pretty nil .. her with 3 kids under age 5. I don't think MIL even thinks of calling her, knowing she is busy. And I'm not gonna direct traffic here.
As far as I'm concerned, this would be the perfect opportunity to engage someone else from this supposed (team) that has been assembled. Be that Flighty C next door .. or the MOW drivers .. or maybe .. go ahead and phone one of the church ladies (though I sure don't want her to use and abuse them) ..
SIL not even gone a month at this point ....
Needs ....
A few trips to the grocery store (me)
sweeping off her deck and garage (me)
some laundry (me)
Some sorting thru and hauling off of old books/junk .. (me)
YD summoned to go wash the dog for her
DD summoned to go cut her hair
DH summoned for yard pump and sprinkler/irrigation problems, more than a few x's out there
Forget what else has popped up on the radar to be attended to.
These, all things she cannot successfully go see about herself, needs help with it.
Now, her dog in need of a trip to the vet.
So if they can do it, just for a shave and a haircut, so can the vet. And if no one's thought of that service then MIL needs a walker who does vet trips, including picking up ear drops/lotion that in any case she shouldn't be sticking in unexamined ears.
If you've got an idle five minutes - do you ever? :) - find her a number. Otherwise... over to DH... Sorreeeeeeeeee xxx
taskrabbit.com
Wouldn't matter. What we do have are mobile vets .. and she could avail herself of same, but thus far hasn't chosen to do so.
A) probably more than she wants to pay for that kinda thing
B) probably prefers the vet she uses already
But .. she isn't able to get in the car and do it .. thus calling here to this household for one of us to step up (YD) this time.
She just had the church lady . in the list of all the needs that have cropped up .. had her go get poochy's specialty foods.
YD has spoken to her, . and vet appt on Monday at 3 PM .. hopefully poochy can hold out that long ... YD has gone to her b'friend's out of town and won't be back til late Sunday nite and she is spoken for .. by me,.. until Monday afternoon for some things around here that need doing.
If that doesn't work and poochy needs to be seen sooner, she'll have to ask one of the other "team" members that has "supposedly" been devised in all of this.
And just FWIW .. did mention the above need to DH as he was readying to load up and leave for camping/hunting for the night and into tomorrow. His response: "not doing it, .. I'm heading out, the dog needs to go on and die".
((I don't think there's much of a chance a dog will die from ear mites .. just uncomfortable probably)))