I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Poochie ain't gonna die from ear mites in a month, much less a weekend. MIL needs to fail on her own; dh does have a fine idea about the dog dropping dead. Maybe he needs an evening dose of sherbet to add some extra weight.
Speaking of food, it's mils choice not to eat, and it's a valid form of life limitation. I agree that it's her ejection fraction that is causing exhaustion. She may know she should have o2 and is choosing not to share. She wants to go - let her starve and fade away. It was just 2 years ago we watched my fil fight heart failure and it's brutal.
Sadly, some elderly people figure this out - that not eating and drinking or taking their meds will help them leave here faster, which is what many would rather do instead of going to a NH. And, in my opinion, it is their right to do this. I will probably do the same if I live long enough and find myself in bad health.
Services - If I were involved in a situation like yours, I would have already had a mobile vet come and groceries delivered. Most old folks are spring loaded to say NO to anything different. Once she sees the convenience of a mobile vet or grocery delivery, perhaps she will be more willing to use the service. Just my 2 cents.
I went through this when I married into my husband's family. His mom would pass out, go to ER. They'd say she was fine, so son's thought she was " faking it". Turns out, once they asked the right questions, that there were a slew of medical conditions ( seizures, copd, other stuff) that they didn't know about.. and I think didn't want to know about.
The lack of real communication skills in this family is the source of the dysfunction. Lots of proclamations and speechifying, but no real questions and then listening for an answer.
" Mom, what do you want in terms of medical care, going forward? Do you want to investigate with your cardiologist why you're so tired, or should we investigate palliative care?" would be a place for DH to start.
Classic dysfunctional family stuff...nondisclosure of information to all members, playing members off against each other, unwillingness to accept outside help
( although that has changed, thanks to Dorker).
I noticed the dog looking kinda haggard when I was there the other day .. it's coming, dog needs to be groomed again .. so she's gonna be asking that get stepped to also (hasn't' yet asked .. but it's coming). I know that YD was there a week or so ago, to wash poochy for her, that too is gonna be on the list of "to do's" in short order.
We know that poochy now needs to get to the vet, so add the above "need" to the list that's sure to come.
I need YD here on Monday when she returns from her trip to see her b'friend .. she has things that need doing around here.
She works long hours (12 hour days) but she gets like 3 and 4 days off after those long hours. I don't ask of her .. that she hop to and clean and so forth after working long hours .. but I do ask, when she is off work, those 3 or 4 days .. that she hop to, as to what her chores are here, .. around the home. Some of that is the fact that she moved back home with a dog .. and that dog .. I don't know how the dog has any hair on it's body anymore, because it's all on the sheet on the sofa where the dog lays .. it's all on the floors .. needing cleaned up.
If I hadn't hopped in the middle of it, here's about how all that would've gone.
MIL would've reached out to YD .. and asked that she come take poochy to vet for possible ear mites ... YD agrees to do so. MIl sets appt for Monday morning.
Well over here on this end ... Monday morning, .. Dorker is getting ready to have company for the night in my mom and her *now husband* .. and cooking a big meal to have all over for dinner Monday nite. Dorker wants .. the things that YD doesn't attend to, as to cleaning .. as she works long days .. Dorker wants that done sooner rather than later ... so .. get that done on Monday morning .. and anything else Dorker might want done to assist .. since you live here rent free, a grown woman ... and then .. then you can go assist with poochy and needs there.
Thus, I got in the middle of it all, to make YD understand that MIL needs her help to get poochy seen at vet .. but there are things that she needs to do here, first ... before poochy's needs are seen to.
I still feel like, too many times .. in my past .. MIL's needs circumvented what I had on my radar for what my wants/needs were for the day .. that was .. in a lot of cases, me hopping to, to meet that need. For far too long. I'd have to shelve what it was that I had planned for my day in the interest of going in that direction.
No longer gonna be happy with that. Even if it means directing traffic as to what others do .. if it interferes with what's on my radar ... and the above had the potential to do just that.
I clearly see that MIL cannot manage all that it is to live alone and independently ..
It takes a lot of support for her to continue in that setting.
About a month ago or so .. when it was decided that spring (the time when MIl was to have been transported to daughter's ..with poochy in tow) wasn't going to transpire afterall, and I blew my stack .. fully aware of what all it takes for her to continue in that setting.
It was said, .. at least initially .. that they were looking into deploying a HHC agency .. that got shelved .. (too costly) so it was then said, .. she has a "team" .. (supposedly) in that she has now reached out to others .. to engage "others" in all that it is to support her continuing to live there. Her MOW drivers .. her flighty neighbor ... and of course, agreement on her part, to finally sit down with and strike up whatever relationship these church ladies are willing to forge.
In the almost one month since SIL has been gone (her chief stepper n fetcher) .. she has reached out to the church lady to go get her dog food .. her specialty dog food and bring it to her.
SIL has reached out to flighty neighbor in effort to get flighty neighbor to contact MIL for a trip to grocery store, which MIL declined .. saying that SIL has to have bought everything the grocery store stocks on their shelves and shoved it all in her cupboards there .. she doesn't need a trip to the store.
But has had me go and get fresh bread .. fresh fruits .. etc., 2 x's on my Thursday visits.
She has needed:
A visit from DH when the yard irrigation people were to do their walk around .. he declined .. stating he'd be at work
Another visit from DH .. so that he can then assess the situation with the yard irrigation and get another pump for her .. and another visit to go install said pump and
ck out yard sprinklers ..
Needed poochy washed, summoned YD for that a week or so ago.
Needed her haircut .. summoned DD for that
Needs someone to cart her to doc appt., .. it''s on a Thursday next week, will do that for her.
Needs the following week, someone to cart her to doc appt.,, .. it's on a Tuesday . has summoned church lady for that.
Has needed (and it's on the Thursdays I have agreed to be there, so be it, I do it) .. her sheets changed .. because her maid failed to show up ..
Sheets laundered .. and brought back when I next come
Her laundry done because of her wonky washing machine situation ..
A couple of trips to the grocery for fresh fruit and bread and so forth
Her deck swept off each time I'm there
Her garage swept out
Sort thru some old books and bag them up and haul em outta there
Sort thru some other old stuff and haul it outta there
Poochy bathed (summoned YD for that)
Her haircut .. (summoned DD for that)
Forget what else has been on the radar.
But all of the above, .. someone more independent .. and self sufficient .. could do on their own. They wouldn't be summoning their son to walk around with the yard crew there to assess a yard sprinkler system .. they'd allow the worker folks to come there, do their job and give a report of their findings .. done.
They'd wash their own dog
They'd get in the car and go to the hair salon for their haircut
They'd get in the car and go for their own fresh fruit and bread, to the store
They'd get in the car and go pick up their own specialty dog food ..
They'd do their own laundry even though the washing machine there is wonky ...
They'd change their own bed sheets
They'd get in the car and get their dog to the vet for ear mites, on their own
They'd get themselves to a doc appointment scheduled, 2 of them in fact
They'd get themselves to the vet for pick up of specialty dog foods
They'd of allowed the housekeeper to come .. yes .. late or another day .. so that the floors weren't sticky and in need.
These all things she needs support to get done and/or .. she could also do home delivery of groceries (opts not to) .. so I do it when I'm there on Thursdays .. but not any other time .. no special trips on Dorker's part. She could do a lot of things differently but chooses not to.
Thus, I go on Thursdays and with limitation .. do what I can in that set aside time ...
And then she summons someone else from this family for other needs/wants/whims.
When that something else she needs stand a good chance of interfering with what's on my agenda for that day I speak up .. and I did so .. made it clear to YD that her g'ma needs her for a vet need for poochy but she is to see to what is her responsibility here first .. before poochy is seen to.
I'm quite sure that if SIL were here in town, poochy would've already been seen to, as to ear mites, if not .. then most definitely by this morning ..
My motivation was to make sure that .. as we weather this whole scene with MIL and all her needs/wants/whims ... those don't impede what's on my radar to be done here .. as was the case for far too long.
So I got to YD first to let her know, don't sign yourself out til you've seen to what is on the radar here that needs your attention .. told her, .. you are certainly welcome to come home earlier on Sunday to see to what needs doing on this end .. and then you're free to go help MIL with poochy on Monday morning first thing .. or if you want, forgo your visit tomorrow out of town .. w/b'friend and stay here to see to MIL and poochy need .. (I knew she'd not opt for that) and I don't care in the end .. the need here .. her responsibility here, isn't so pressing that I want her to forgo any trip out of town to see to what needs doing here, it can wait .. but no later than Monday .. and I want it done .. thus I wanted to speak up and get her on the radar of what needs doing here, before poochy needs get seen to.
Found a couple of things very interesting ....
One MIL called here the other night all in a snit of sorts. DH has been out there and installed yard pump .. and ck'd out sprinkler systems, etc .. there is one that needs replacement and that's on his radar .. but he has run it thru it's system and found them to be in working order and time set accordingly to have them come on in stations all around the yard .. set to timer ..
MIL called here the other nite and all out of sorts .. somehow she has it in her mind that it maybe isn't coming on for that first cycle of the morning on whatever day the timer has it set to do .. that first cycle would be a 4 AM cycle ...
Why so early you ask? There are watering restrictions in place where we live .. yes even if one is using an irrigation yard pump system .. the thinking ..water is a resource we don't waste .. to have it come on in the middle of the day in the heat of the day .. and to evaporate before it's even useful .. is wasteful .. so ... there are only certain days one is allowed to water their yard ... and at certain times of the day ... the middle of the day being a prohibited time of day. She has a large yard .. and so for it to cycle thru all of the areas that need to be watered .. it has to begin early .. and begin watering one section and then that section shuts off .. and another section cuts on and waters, and so on it goes, til about 10 AM .. to get all of her yard watered on designated days we are allowed to water our yards ..
She called here in a snit of sorts .. somehow she has it in her mind that first morning session isn't coming on. That would be a 4 AM or so time of day. She wanted DH to come out there to be sure that's occurring.
Was very interesting .. hearing his side of that conversation.
"No mom, that's set for 4 AM in the morning, I'm not coming over there at that hour to be sure it's coming on, if you want to be sure it's coming on, set your alarm clock and get up and go see ... I worked with that timer and had it set back to what you had it on, and tested it all out when I was there, it was coming on .. I put it on manual and went thru the settings and it was all working, it's coming on .. you just don't know it because you're asleep at that hour, no I'm not coming over there at 4 in the morning .. next time I'm out there I'll take you out into the garage and we'll go thru those settings and I'll show you what the set up is .. so you can see that it's coming on".
Good LORD was she serious that she thinks DH is going to set his alarm clock and get in his vehicle and drive over there at that hour to view yard sprinklers. Surely not. But sounds like that's just what she was requesting.
Then also .. and not sure why this is being done ... on occasion a text will come my way from SIL (it's rare these days) .. and it's a group text to both DH and myself ...
Seems if she texts at all, it's in group format, to both me and DH. That was the case when she informed that it's up for serious discussion that her son and family .. when they visit this summer .. they are seriously considering including a trip down this way also .. in that time frame. That was a group discussion sent both to me and DH. Of course I participate in that discussion, DH doesn't. He just .. for whatever his reasons .. never chimes in. She also sent a group text informing that she'd talked to so and so (her cousin) and that they were expecting snow in her area, even this late in the year .. I participate .. just conversationally .. DH does not .. for whatever reason .. he never chimes in.
The other day she sent a group text to both DH and myself to inform him .. (not sure why it was sent in group format, I have zero to do with any of this) .. that our local municipality is holding another hazardous waste event and where it is and what time and so forth. This i suppose .. she is in the know about .. maybe having signed for email notification of same .. when she was here .. having rid MIL's home of old paint and varnishes and so forth and hauling them to whatever hazardous waste event is held and whenever that is.
I don't know if there is more at MIL's to be hauled away and there has been dialogue between SIL and DH on what else needs hauling away ..and he is to see to that the next time there is an event held for disposal of same .. or maybe he just expressed interest in knowing that, as to some things he'd like to dispose of from here at our house .. I don't know. Or maybe he hasn't expressed any interest in the knowing of that .. I really don't know.
I just know that a text showed up the other day "Hey H .. just wanted you to look at the link I sent .. the next hazardous waste event is upcoming in your area".
He never chimed in, never responded.
I didn't either .. I don't care. Hazardous wastes are not anything I am seeing about, here or at MIL's ..
But he hasn't responded .. even to this day .........
Nor have I.
It was just left hanging.
So .. just interesting .. I don't know whether SIL got his ear on her beef that she shared with me, "he's not real responsive, I text him and he doesn't respond".. and she was advised by me .. get with him on that, you guys find what works .. I'm not gonna be the messenger anymore, and I haven't been.
She group texts both of us .. and if its' something such as above, wherein she is talking of her son visiting here .. this summer, .. I talk with her about it. If she texts .. group texts that her cousin is expecting snow even this late in the year, . I respond and chit chat with her .. if she texts as to a need .. *hazardous waste* .. I don't respond ....
Apparently he doesn't either. So be it.
DH ............. take her to a doc appointment? When hades freezes over that will happen. It doesn't happen. Remember, he is a firm sideline sitter with all things not related to home maintenance. A nice firm dent in the bleachers where he sits. Show any interest/comprehension of what the medical needs are and how best to address it .. not gonna happen with him.
SIL ask the poignant questions when she accompanies ....????......doubtful. Might mean she'd have to press the envelope on "Mother you cannot continue to live alone", thus I doubt she asks the poignant questions. Don't know if she even knows the ejection fraction .. I'm not gonna ask her.
Pointless for me to accompany her to next cardio doc and ask that question .. were they to say to her, "gee ya know you're so tired because of the CHF .. and ya know .. your heart .. it doesn't pump as efficiently as it should to oxygenate your organs .. and so you're tired because of that, what we need to do is to prescribe some 02 and have them come out to your house and we'll get that started for you"
I can tell you right now where that would go. MIL who is in firm denial that she is old and feeble .. would refuse. "that's old people stuff, that's not me".
That'd be the end of anything to address the above, and my having taken my time to dial down on whatever the issue is .. pointless.
Yes, lack of real and effective communication, dysfunction ....
I made the right decision .. to step away from all this horrid mess.
I go one time weekly for a few hours and what I can help with in that set aside time, I do .. outside of that, . the rest will fall as it falls.
Yes, she is so very tired, exhausted .. probably some of it maybe even her dog getting her up all hours of the nite to go out . more than once ... along with the CHF ..and maybe even some of it dietary.
I can't change any of it ....
Thus I go there, and do what I can in the set aside time .. and the rest of it falls however it falls. She calls with need that will somehow interfere with what's on my radar (as with the latest .. ear mites and poochy) .. I will step into that fray only to the extent that her needs .. her dog's needs aren't going to get in the way any longer as to what is needed on this front, not anymore.
Not the "oh she must be so careful; she must eat better, she must XYZ"; rather
"Mom's cardiologist reports that her ejection fraction is X which is worse/better than her last visit. He suggested Y and Z, but mom rejected that out of hand.
Going forward, he said we can expect her to exhibit A,B,C symptoms. If we observe D or E getting worse, we need to call him. And if we God forbid see K, call 911 and get her to the ER."
This was the kind of conversation I used to have with my mom's geriatrics doctor when she lived in Independent Living. I would share the information with my brother and SIL so that they could be on the lookout for the variables as well.
For my mom who had CHF, there are all sorts of protocols to be followed with regard to weight gain, taking BP, adjusting meds in response to changes that she or we saw.
Just wondered if there had been any sharing of REAL information, i.e., real communication.
I guess not.
Dorker, stepping back was the right thing to do. I just want you, and everyone else following this tale of woe to understand that this is a dysfunctional situation, one you needed to step back from, because no one in this family is communicating the important information to each other. There's posturing and shaming and speech-making. Not honest communication. or even finding out what MIL wants with regard to her care.
The one thing that makes me scratch my head is has SIL asked MIL if she can be the medical POA??? If SIL wants to run the show, she NEEDS to have POA authority. When MIL goes down and is in the hospital next, if she cannot communicate or cooperate, who will be her advocate?? Nobody if there is no POA?
Obtw, Sil's son is planning to visit near Dorker in June? Isn't that Hurricane season? Won't MIL be up North?
I do vaguely recall at some point there was discussion that she is to take her BP daily (her BP always runs low) .. and any deviation or whatever should be reported ... and/or acted on (in what way I don't know). I remember all the hullabaloo about locating and securing a wrist BP monitor .. this is fairly recent.
I haven't seen said wrist BP cuff since I've been going there, but I haven't asked either. Doubt that's being seen to daily.
Also vaguely recall discussion that she should weigh herself daily and anything more than a 2/3 lb gain in a day .. should be reported and/or action taken (not sure what action is to be taken). That too, . I doubt seriously . is being monitored.
I don't ask. What's the point in doing so.
I can just about bet how it would go. "So MIL I remember you guys were all in a tizzy at one point about getting just the right wrist BP cuff thing .. I know SIL looked high and low and got that for you, where it, I don't see it ....???..... isn't that something you're supposed to monitor daily .. are you doing that?".
MIL: "oh I don't even know where that thing is .. these doctors they tell you all these things to do and not do .. I'm gonna do, in the end, as I damn well please .. you know that"
Me: "Well it's really in your best interest .. ya know .. they want to know if there's any deviation .. because of the CHF and complications that could arise .. how will you know if you aren't watching these kinds of things?".
MIL: "Oh it doesn't matter, you know .. I just want that cloud to come get me .. I'm ready to go .. every day I wake up wondering why am I still here".
The above flavor of that dialogue has been had between she and I countless times, .. on the use of the walker, on taking her Lasix .. on taking her Eliquis .. so forth and so on .. does no good.
I'm not asking anymore.
Obviously her offspring find it suitable to leave her be .. and her "team" of "others" in place to address her needs/wants/whims (yea right) .. that suffices for them. No, SIL isn't wringing her hands pondering whether her mother is weighing herself daily . .. is she taking her BP daily .. what are the readings .. what's the weight, any deviation?
Oh but she'll buzz DH at 7 AM in the morning with directives from afar as to what sprinkler needs what attention .. and why.
She'll make sure before she leaves that the presses are stopped so she can meet with someone to pressure wash the driveway .. so MIL can go out with her walker, to walk on the driveway (she's not been out there to do so once . not one time .. in the almost month since SIL has been gone).
She'll buy everything the grocery store stocks and haul it into MIL's so that she won't need to go to the grocery ...
She'll make sure her windows are all clean and sparkling for her to sit and pontificate the world and it's order from her perch at her kitchen table.
She'll haul the car in for servicing .. a car MIL isn't presently even driving ...
She'll make a special trip to a department store that stocks a broom and dustpan with a handle on it, so that MIL doesn't have to swoop down to pick up what's being swept .. (MIL doesn't sweep .. she isn't able to, she has to hold onto the walker to get anywhere ... if she lets loose of that, to sweep . she's going down to the floor.
DH will go out there and dutifully take care of the yard irrigation system .. and sprinklers and anything else maintenance wise that comes up on his radar to attend to.
Nobody gives a rat's azz about the fact she is suffering from some chronic health conditions that are going to cause her to further deteriorate in her ability to even get up and function daily. And the inner workings of all it. And what the docs say, their recommendations .. their prognosis as to the future .. No let's don't address any of that. That might mean we'd have to actually shove our shoulder into it, and push MIL to realize she cannot continue to live alone.
Am I angry? Yes, of course. But .. I have backed away from all the inner workings of it all. Does no good to engage. Doesn't even do any good to question the director of this ship, "So SIL .. ya know, I remember them advising she needs to weigh herself daily and take her BP and monitor that .. ya know .. she does seem overly tired and exhausted these days .. and from doing nothing at all, other than getting to the breakfast table, to eat breakfast .. that's it for her .. she's done for, for the day .. hasn't even gotten dressed .. and that's all she can manage for a day .. wonder what was it the doc said about her EF .. and CHF .. what was the prognosis there ... , wonder if things are worsening ..".
You'd hear something akin to, (as I've heard so many times) "she's just so stubborn .. ya know, they tell her what to do, but then she does as she damn well pleases .. she's just so stubborn".
Yea okay. But let's continue to not push her, and let her be "happy" in her home. . she's "happy there" .. .so you guys think. She can barely damned function from day to day .. and isn't eating right any longer .. and it's all she can do to travel from her bedroom to her kitchen and get herself a bowl of cereal .. but by damn she's happy .. she's not being forced to uproot .. she's happy doing it. Uhm .. oookay.
And yes .. hurricane season begins .. I believe June 1. SIL's son and family are to visit .. approximately mid June thru mid July .. to the states. Part of that stay here in the states will entail a trip down this way to FL .. so it's being said. A week ..???....not sure.
SIL will accompany her son and family here ....
I don't know what the plan is .. haven't asked (to do so usually results in disappointment, I've quit asking) ... I don't know if SIL intends that she will then fly back when they do, .. to enjoy and/or help them to get ready to then fly off abroad again, back to Abu Dhabi. Or will she wave g'bye to them as they depart here, to fly home to IL to then ready themselves for flying to Abu Dhabi .. and SIL will stay here, to then help her mom to get ready to then fly home to IL for her stay .. for "hurricane season" up that way. I haven't asked.
Hurricane season runs June thru November. It's really treacherous (if it's going to be treacherous) pretty much August/September and into October even at times. That seems to be when it gets more dangerous. Hurricanes are born out of heated waters .. out in the oceans. By the time we've weathered a good deal of summer, the oceans are nice and hot .. and so storms are spawned .. and there you have it. One never knows if there will be any threat. We've gone decades in the past where there hasn't been any specific threat. But the past two hurricane seasons have brought some threat our way .. and we've had some slight damage .. some areas. This year, is predicted to be more active than last year (hooray).
I don't ask anymore what the end game will be. My mom knows that hurricane season ramps up here and we have threat locally .. I'm outta here .. heading to hunker down at her place. What DH and his mom do .. that's up to them. I won't be here.
I haven't announced that fact and won't be announcing it, until the water hits the wheel and I have to depart ...
DH gives a lot of lip service to the fact that "oh by DAMN she is going .. she's going to IL before hurricane season comes .. if I have to put her on my back and walk there, she's going, she is NOT staying here".
It's all talk.
If SIL comes here and stays behind .. under the guise of now readying her mom for the departure to IL to hunker away from hurricane season .. and MIL balks .. you can bet, "we just want her to be happy that's all, we don't know how long she has .. we just want her waning days to be happy".
That will be the order of the day.
The church lady was going to be working that angle some .. in the respect of trying to get MIL to see that she maybe should go see/spend time with her daughter .. not because SHE is a "burden" but because perhaps her daughter could use her help there .. that maybe if that angle is worked .. she would bite the hook.
I don't know that she will, and I don't' ask anymore.
Hopefully, church ladies' message is " what you're doing is quite selfish...Everyone needing to see to your needs. You should be trying to make it easier for them, as well as pleasant for you. Living alone here is no longer tenable. Let's move on and think about the least worst option"
I think she, probably like a lot of elderly folks .. I think they get to a point in life that they almost find in themselves, just by shear virtue they've lived long enough and that in and of itself is due respect and so forth .. I don't think she even thinks that all she asks .. as to her needs/wants/whims .. are any "burden".
She thinks we all just clamor to serve her, by the shear fact she is an elder and has lived long enough and has so much of life's wisdom to impart that we all scramble to sit a her feet and listen to the stories of old. Any incidentals she needs along the way are just sugar coating we get to lap up .. all while being in her presence.
She says out of one side of her mouth that she doesn't want to go to IL to be one more thing that SIL has to worry with .. (thus .. she does *see* herself as a burden, at least in part) .. but I guess we're .. here on this end .. we're chopped liver in that .. her remaining here .. doesn't dawn on her, .. she is then here in our proximity to "worry with".
Go figure ............
Keep up the good boundaries and try to get rid of the anger, it only hurts you. Please do not take offense, I mean what I say with the very best intentions.
Dorker, you sound so angry!
Please, find a way, in therapy, or elsewhere, to let go of the anger and resentment at MIL and SIL. Or are you mostly angry at YOU for not waking up earlier? Try to find some peace.
I think it brings it all into focus .. when the incessant need keeps landing .. within my sites.
I would be "less" angry (I think) were the things that are said, in any way/shape/form, the actual reality of what goes on.
This "supposed team" of "others" .. were that actually panning out to be the case .. and these "others" called into service, ........... maybe me hearing after the fact .. that flighty C had hauled her to the grocery .. at her request .. maybe that one of the MOW drivers went and retrieved poochy's special foods .. prompted by her .. unbeknown to me ..
Maybe that she has it already lined up that one of the MOW drivers, or flighty C is to take her to the other doc appt .. (I'm taking her to one on my normal routine Thursday visit) but she has an add'l one the following week .. and it isn't on a Thursday .. thus I'm out .. not assisting. Maybe if I were to hear things are being "managed" by her .. and this "supposed team" that has been (supposedly) formed, .. were in actuality working ..
I know that's not on me to navigate and/or pontificate about. And it only exacerbates my frustration to even glance at it all. But to get a call here .. I'm the one that answered the phone (landline) .. generally if DH is here, I hand it over to him and don't even answer it .. (not what used to go on .. he rarely talked to her, me as the gate-keeper there for too long) . not anymore, I hand it to him .. but he wasn't here.
Just more reminder of the incessant "need" to have heard her ask if YD would be available to run poochy for a vet appointment.
WHY isn't she calling one of these "other" supposed team players . without even so much as a phone call to this corner?!?
I know .. YD is an adult and can easily say yay or nay as to any participation on her part .. but it's the whole piece that it continually lands in this corner ..
It's the whole piece that hurricane season approaches and it's been said (hell it was said she wouldn't take her in the winter, like that has anything to do with the price of peas and carrots but would take her in the spring .. spring came and went, her still here ) .......... hurricane season approaches and I have about zero hope that she will actually "GO" to where her "NEEDS" aren't incessant and an awareness here in this corner of it all. "GO already" for a little while, just "GO" ..
Its' been years and years and years .. I never dreamed she'd still be dug in like an Alabama tick .. and not budging one iota and the incessant need would land continually .. at least in my view .. (I'm no longer stepping to it all, and for that I am grateful). So yes, I will .. and I do, .. find a place at times, that I'm more at peace with it all.
But .. within the past week .. it's been the hair cut .. and its' been her calling here with need for DH to show up there at 4 AM to check if sprinklers are working .. it's been poochy and his ear mites .. it's been a request to DH to pick up poochy's special foods (need met ultimately by church lady and her having retrieved it for MIL).
The "need" .. incessant "need" brings it all into my view and earshot far too often ..and the anger ramps up.
Mother's Day approaching. I am to go with daughters and do lunch and pedicures .. on Saturday and that will be my day .. and my celebration. Now there will need to be something of a marker of Mother's Day for DH's mom, (MIL). I don't intend to enter that equation in any way .. he can plan something or not.
More than likely he will come up with a plan to maybe try to take her to lunch .. go get her and take her to lunch and will want me to join .. and if that were to be asked of me this evening, the answer would be a polite "no thanks".
Don't care to even go and "celebrate" her as a "mom", not right now. You go DH .. she's your mom ..
I'm guessing when you reach the point of complete saturation in burnout .. and I did (am) ......... even going anywhere near the flame again .. you get scorched pretty quickly.
I do much better with all of it on the periphery and no real awareness of the goings on. Within the past week there's been too much of it all .. in my face/view/earshot and the fire was too hot ..(metaphorically).
Gonna need her and her needs to back up a bit at this point and not be, at least, in my view/earshot.
At this age, in her life, she and her husband enjoyed camping/traveling and they were able to do so.
My life wouldn't include the above even if it weren't for MIL .. as DH owns his own biz and being away for any length of time, something that hasn't ever really been much of an option. So it isn't that her presence then negates our ability to do that .. travel/camp, etc. That's not her fault.
But .. I look at where was she at my age ... what was she doing .. what was her life at this point. She was able to do the things she wanted to do, for the most part, without worry and encumbrance of caring for an elderly in her circumference. By the time she was my age that I am presently her dad had passed, .. the days of jockeying him back and forth in 3 month stints, between she and her sister, those days were past her.
What would have happened if the dad in that situation had done as she does, "No, I'm not leaving my home, this is where my things are .. this is where all my things .. things that have a story are .. this is where I'm most comfortable, I'm happy here". What if he'd of done that?
I don't know, because if he did do that, it didn't fly with either she or her sister that would share this 3 month jockeying back and forth.
Her dad was in ill health (thus the jockeying him back and forth) heart disease .. bad knees, etc. Maybe 30 some odd years ago .. when this was ongoing .. maybe people didn't run to doctors for knee injections .. maybe they didn't run to doctors with the fact that the edema is worsening .. maybe they just lived with edema and bad knees, I don't know, don't remember. I was around at that point .. I was part of this family. I do remember the old fella and he could barely get one foot in front of the other (never used a walker or cane, don't know that it was ever recommended .. maybe in those days that wasn't even something thought of to do .. who knows) .. the old guy could barely get one foot in front of the other .. and with his painful knees .. and his heart disease .. he was much like MIL is these days .. if you walked with him to go outside to sit for a while, he would say things like, "Oh I feel like I just ran a marathon", as he collapsed into his seat ... having walked just the few steps it took to go outside. Much the same as MIL is these days.
He didn't have a pet that one had to also contend with . much less the special needs of said pet. He didn't have a house any longer that one had to deal with ... as they weathered this, he'd been uprooted from his house, to be jockeyed back and forth between the two sisters' homes .. and his home sold. No one was having to constantly run to look at leaking faucets, .. gutters that need cleaning .. driveways that need pressure washing ..an auto that needs servicing (his auto was also sold), a yard irrigation system that needs attention ... a pet that needs looking after. Nope.
At her point, where I am at my life at this point .. her dad was gone. And in the years before that, when she was having to deal with her dad (the only elderly left in her life at that point) .. it was much much much more simplified than what we live in the fact there is an elderly in our life.
I try not to "go there" and give the above much thought, to do so only causes me anguish.
Some might say *well you do have that in a sense, doesn't DH's sister come in town and take over?*. She does .. and only this last time did she stay for 4 months because of MIL's fall, injury. Usually her stay has been more like 2 or 3 weeks. And in that 2 or 3 weeks or whatever her stay is .. she invariably finds some problem there at the home that she is requesting that DH come attend to .. if not more than some one problem.
Point being ... when it was her day to deal with an elderly there was no home to attend to, no pet to attend to, no auto that needed attending to .. those items were not at issue .. and her "elderly" she had to contend with, was uprooted and jockeyed back and forth giving each sibling a true respite from it all.
So you look at that, and you say to yourself *so, what of it then ...???.... you can't tie her up and make her go somewhere she doesn't want to go ... she's thought to be of sound mind .. and so she is free to make the choices she wants as to her placement and she wants to remain in her home .. and so it shall be*.
So what remains is ... then .. weathering what "is". Rather than pondering and looking at what "should be".
So .. you do your best to do that .. but then the incessant need/want/whim .. that pops up .. 3 or 4 different things just within the past week that were all .. at least attempted in this direction, having to do with pet need, home need, her need, etc etc.
And you find in that, the reason for your "anger" that crops up.
I read the stories here .. some who consider it such an honor to be able to have their elderly or sick/infirm in their life and be given that precious time to care for them. I think .. some of us are just made "caregivers" and some are not. I fall into that latter category I think. Maybe I once was, . thus the years and of steppin and fetchin .. but that ship has sailed for me. I no longer consider it an "honor" to be a part of all this.
I do go, once a week, for a limited amount of time .. and that is so that I can live with myself .. and not just completely turn a blind eye to it all. But that's enough for me, .. more than enough. Having the "need" in my proximity .. much more than that, and I find my level of anger ratcheting up.
It angers me, when I hear her say things like, "I don't want to go up to IL and be one more thing that SIL has to look after".
I want to say to her, and lash out at her, .. "...................and staying here, doesn't make you one more thing that WE THEN HAVE TO LOOK AFTER?!?!?!??, what we don't matter, .. one more thing WE HAVE TO CONTEND WITH DOESN'T MATTER?!??!".
I'm not at all sure how she rationalizes that. One more thing that SIL has to look after.
SIL has her husband (yes ..he has a myriad of health issues) .. she has her world traveler daughter that dumps her 3 dogs continuously ... but that's it. Her daughter is retired .. her daughter has g'kids that she only sees once a year .. just by virtue that they live on the other side of the world .. so her daughter wouldn't be impeded from living her life and doing the things she needs to attend to .. by MIL's presence there. Her daughter does yes, look after her husband and his myriad of health issues with a vigilance like none other .. hovering ... but that's it.
Here, you have her son who is not retired .. he works a physically demanding job .. and long hours .. he also enjoys his get away to the woods (a respite for him from the phone and responsibilities) .. he enjoys his church work ... and you have her daughter in law ... a daughter in law (me) that still works .. some .. for a little p/t job .. (as need) ... works for her husband's biz .... enjoys time with my g'kids .. also has a dad and stepmom locally that deserve some of my attention, .. also enjoys her work she does for the church here locally ...
But I guess, her staying here locally .. *dug in like an Alabama tick* ......... doesn't somehow make her "one more thing that WE HAVE TO LOOK AFTER".
It's a struggle for sure. And I know, I can place it right squarely on .. when her need crops up on my radar with too much frequency .. her dog's needs, her needs, her home's needs .. too much of it, with too much frequency .. and yes, my anger ratchets up.
So .. the trick in it all, is to find a balance somehow in the not knowing .. how to not know of all the need. That .. I've yet to find a way to run and hide and almost as a kid would do .. cover my ears and stomp up and down .. "no no .. no I don't hear it, don't see it".
You can not possibly believe that 24/7 caregiving for 3 month stints was not a huge burden on your MIL. You act like her age made it easier to deal with, not so. Any age to have to take on the fulltime care of an aged parent is difficult at it's best.
You are so angry that you can not see the reality. You say you love this woman but refuse to celebrate her as mom, I understood from your posts that you had a great relationship for 40+ years and now you can't stomach a lunch, or that she is calling on your daughters and husband to help, which you told us they agreed to do the very things she is now asking of them.
Of course your dad and his wife deserve some of your time, I don't see where anyone but you has given more than they are willing to on MIL front. Your time is yours and you are responsible to find the balance that works for you. Let others do what they need to do to be able to live with themselves, it is only fair.
Dorker, you need to let it go, do what you want/can and let it go. No one in this situation is going to do what should be done, they are only going to cope and do it one day, one request at a time. I can feel your blood pressure and angst on the rise, you have to let it go. As crazy as her reasoning has been, I do believe that what your MIL provided for her dad was so hard on her that she never wanted to do that to her kids and their families, please try to see this whole mess as her way of not doing what her dad did, she just can not see how hard this route is, she thinks it is easier for you guys. Try to reconnect to the love you had for her before you burned out. I am not saying step and fetch, do your 1 morning a week for love of her, not so you can live with yourself.
I know how hard it can be, I have a difficult dad and he would have been quite happy to live in my house, I said no and dealt with the fallout. At the end of the day it is about letting him find his own way and letting others do for him whatever they are willing to do and hoping he is safe. No more, no less. Do I agree? No. That is irrelevant as long as I am not sucked into the vortex as boots on the ground. So, I do understand your frustration, being on the other end now, I also understand the importance of you letting go and finding the peace of that.
I could be wrong. But there are plenty of us that realized it wasn’t safe for our parent(s) to live on their own and when we did, stepped up and made hard decisions. Dorker is angry because brother and sister didn’t even discuss anything to do with long term planning for their mother when they were together those last four months. It’s terrible!
MIL is 88 years old. She has some sort of mental deficit due to age but it’s not abnormal for a person her age to be self centered & not want to give up her independence.
I do agree that Dorker has to find peace with all this but it’s hard when you are the only one that seems to care.
Dorker still brings her opinion & observations to DH attention, but he couldn’t care less. He does the bare minimum and has no problem doing his thing(s) for relaxation.
How frustrating that must be for Dorker.
I agree, spend that one day with your MIL out of love, Dorker, not duty. If you feel so strongly that going there actually makes you stressed and you really don’t want to do it, then don’t.
Yes elderly folks can be ornery and stubborn. But that won’t change.
Why do you go then, Dorker? Are you afraid your husband would be unhappy with you if you didn’t? He won’t even commit to a day, why should you?
I know this Thursday you will hate taking her to that doctor appointment because you’ve been there so many times before, and you’ve told your husband that but he still expects you to do it, and is dismissive of your feelings? Have you discussed how miserable you feel going there every Thursday with him? Can you, and will he listen?
Your husband expects all of your daughters to chip in with their time? Is his time more valuable than theirs? Or yours?
I would walk away from this situation. If you don’t like going then don’t. Do you really dislike her so? Or is your anger misplaced?
If you don’t want to go hire an aide for that day and bill your MIL.
One thing about life? We can NEVER expect that others, even those that love us, will be able to see things through our eyes. It's up to us to tell them how we're seeing things. To expect others to "get" us without us telling them is the worst kind of magical thinking.
I agree with the folks above who say that at least part of your anger is at your husband. It sounds as though you've appreciated MIL over the years in her role as a good grandma (and that, let me tell you, is HUGE).
You reflect upon her challenges with her dad, shuttling him back and forth, but you don't know what that felt like , to her. Or to him.
You also don't factor in her very impoverished childhood. And whatever skeletons lurk there.
You seem to want her to appreciate YOUR situation and wave a wand and say "it's fine, no one has to do for me".
Isn't that what she's trying SO hard to do?
I'm not saying that you should do more than you are. I'm just saying, see things from her perspective as well, and you may end up less angry at her.
“And just FWIW .. did mention the above need to DH as he was readying to load up and leave for camping/hunting for the night and into tomorrow. His response: "not doing it, .. I'm heading out, the dog needs to go on and die".
He’ll take two kids out camping for the weekend other than taking care of his mother’s dog - which may seem silly to us, but nonetheless is everything to his mom - & he *knows* that. So what, DH, DO something for her if you love her! He’d rather be with strangers from his church who he feels needs attention. What a dichotomy! Charity begins at home.
Who wouldn’t be angry? Why not say to him “not so fast dude.....your mother needs you & you need to deal with it”.
It hurts when you feel you are the only one that cares, and anger comes out of frustration. Do you ever lose it, Dorker? Or do you bury it for the sake of maintaining peace?
But something else that I see to add into the mix.
MIL worked as a real estate agent, yes? Full time?
Dorker, I understand that you work in a supportive way for DH's business. Does that get compensated? Quantified? For many years, I did bookkeeping for my (now Ex0 husband's business. I HATED doing it, it's not something I'm good at , or qualified to do. But I was PAID to do it. It counted toward social security credits.
Dorker, are you employed by DH? You've mentioned a PT job, how is that going?
Just looking back at MIL's life, was she working while taking care of her dad?
My point to Dorker is that she needs to let it go, she has made it clear "not her mom, not her circus" No one is going to willing push MIL to go into a facility, so let it go. If everything falls apart that may be the straw but until then, she is killing herself.
Where I live in So AZ, because my dad has not been declared incompetent by a judge, I have no way to make those hard choices, he still has rights and I can be prosecuted for violating those rights. When the Obudsman made this clear to me, I had to let it go. Would I like to see different decisions made, absolutely
I am not willing to have legal trouble to have that happen. When the chit hits the fan I'll deal with it at that time but mean while I'm not going to have a stroke because things are not going the way I think they should. I believe that Dorker is too angry and is risking her own well being, so if I offended you Shane, I am sorry, but I stand by what I said and say, Dorker, let it go!
Yes I am compensated and so SS credit goes to me, and that's been the case for a very long time. I do work that little p/t (as need) job and there hasn't been much "as need" lately. It's a job that is clerical in nature, .. and nurses administer flu shots. Obviously that's going to be a job that is needed in the Fall .. maybe into the winter months. They also do Wellness clinics as insurances renew for various corporations and those generally run through about January/Feb .. and so those too, have kinda lightened up for the season.
Yes MIL was in real estate and working when she had her dad staying with her in 3 month stints. The difference there .. she was able to have breakfast with him before leaving for work for the day and she would either leave him a covered lunch to partake of, or I'd go by there (I had a little one at the time) and I'd visit/make lunch and stay for a while. She was in and out some as her schedule allowed. There wasn't a bunch of hauling him to doctors .. maybe in those days (this was 30 years ago or more) .. people didn't go to doctors the way they do now, .. (medications administered) for heart disease and knee issues. Not sure. He also didn't have a pet that was his life .. he didn't have a home .. that had been sold ... that had to be attended to as to things breaking .. an auto, etc.
His life, at that point, consisted of just existing .. for the most part, .. be that at MIL's for his 3 month stint or at MIL's sister's for her 3 month stint. He was pretty feeble and getting him out and about to do much, not really possible.
I don't diminish the fact that it had to have been an intrusion on her life and her existence .. for the 3 months that she would then house him. I'm sure it was. Difference here, .. at least how I see it anyway ......... she knew going in, she'd have him for 3 months .. and her life .. whatever that entailed in his presence there, would halt .. during that 3 months. Then, .. he would go to her sister's and the same program there, and MIL was free at that point, to do whatever she wanted ..
How is my life . unlike that? Am I not free to do what I want with my time ...???.....
I am.
BUT ........
Living with the angst of the every day of the not knowing what will bust loose next ... and it is right here, under our noses .. .always .. day after day .. week after week, month after month, year after year .. with no possibility .. seemingly that it will .. the whole setting move to IL for a stay of a few months .. and whatever happens here, be it a car problem, a house problem, a dog problem, her a health problem ... whatever it is .. it won't be on our radar .. at least for that brief time period she has compromised and gone in that direction for a little while.
Big difference, at least in my view.
That's one thing I struggle mightily with .. trying to see things from her view ..... not successful in that, I don't think. I do try. But I don't think I succeed. I do pride myself in being pretty objective and looking at all sides of an issue . before acting or speaking ... but in this one .. being able to put myself in her shoes, .. the impoverished years growing up .. and how that impacts her decisions these days .. the fact she took in her father and maybe that plays into her not wanting to do that to her kids .. I don't see it, not able to put myself there.
Do I raise a ruckus as to when DH chooses to go take some little boys the woods at a time when his mom's world (her dog) has been turned upside down, with the dog being ill. No. I used to .. yes .. but I don't anymore. I say nothing. I mentioned it to him, .. as I was pretty sure he wasn't aware of any of it .. but .. I also knew in mentioning it, it wouldn't change his plans. He had two little boys who are being raised by elderly g'parents (parents are drug addicted and in and out of jail). These g'parents can't really get these two boys, ages 8 and 11 out and do much recreational with them. He had already spoken to that contingent and made his plans and I knew when I said it, he wouldn't be willing to disappoint two little boys who were so looking forward to a camping trip.
Would I have him do things differently?
There was a time I would've. I no longer argue that point. His mom ..
As I said in all this, .. I am no longer going to do more to support this situation than her own offspring is willing to do. Thus .. DH unwilling to change course at this point .. and go see about his mom's precious poochy .. so be it .. his life .. his mom. No, I don't argue that any longer.
Tonight a perfect example of the goings on ..
Had DD and family over for a grill out this afternoon. As we were eating, .. me .. mindful that we'd been out there the other day and DD had put away a MOW .. and found in there, 3 previous MOW's untouched and remarked on it .. mindful that she also remarked that the last meal we'd had together, .. DD had been kind enough to make a plate for MIL to take to her .. a few days before the big haircut visit. That meal too, sat untouched .. and that's when DD had remarked to MIL about her not eating.
So we sat there tonight, eating dinner. I said out loud, "Anyone care to make a plate to take out to MIL?".
No responses. DD said, "I can make her a plate, but I can't stay .. by the time I get out there, I'll need to get on home and get the kids bathed and in bed".
It dropped from there, and no one said anymore about it. And I didn't push it.
Would've been a good time for DH to maybe volunteer to go take a meal and visit with his mom .. but I don't press any longer.
DD at the tail of the above conversation .. remarked ... almost in a bit of a *told ya so* kinda tone .. "I did tell SIL, I texted her ... just letting ya know, .. you aren't here, your mom isn't eating".
I thought to myself, but didn't say it out loud, ............. oh you poor Dorker Jr., .. don't go there .. will do you no good. But I didn't say it. I said nothing.
DH chimed in .. "here we go again, this always happens .. she eats when SIL is here .. SIL talks about how she cooks nightly and makes a plate for mom and mom eats every morsel".
I said nothing, didn't chime in.
Nothing further said about hauling a plate out to MIL .. no plate was made for her, .. subject dropped.
Only further response had been from DD who reports that SIL's response had been, "she's so sick of the MOW's .. they're pretty bland .. ". DD then adding, "I looked at what was there, and it does look pretty bland".
Does it disappoint me that DH doesn't take the initiative on his own .. without any prompt .. "hey on my way out here, got a plate for mom .. be back shortly". Yes, it does disappoint me. Does it make me angry that I used to prompt/cajole .. push/persuade and cause consternation here on this end .. in our household .. with all of this and more .. "you haven't seen your mom . .go take her a plate", to a general response that would run about like this "What are you talking about, I go out there, if she needs me, I go .. don't be saying that I haven't seen her" .. consternation between he and I, in this household about what my expectation is .. vs what is the reality. So .. yes . anger that it isn't a topic that he can be pushed/cajoled, persuaded, etc .. he's gonna do what he wants to do with his time .. (take little boys from church camping) .. and I'm not going to invest more into it all, than he is willing to do, as I used to do routinely.
Maybe the fact she won't go anywhere else, brings all that into focus .. clearer than I'd like to look at it. Maybe the anger .. displaced anger .. falls somewhere around that fact.
Does it anger me that I hear him talking to his other leaders with the church .. as they try to get something on the radar where they will meet .. at 7 AM .. maybe once a month .. for b'fast and prayer session .. they are working to try to achieve that, he and some of the other leaders. Does that anger me that I have .. in the past ... spent countless energy on trying to get him to .. just go out there and have b'fast with your mom .. one a week .. once every other week ... just go have coffee with her. This is back when I used to cajole/persuade/push .. etc ............ and no .. it never happened. But yet I hear him trying to work to get that angle on the radar. To make sure that he and the other leaders (a group of about 5 others) .. to get this all on the radar for once a month .. that they will meet for b'fast at 7 AM ...
Why can't you do that .. w/your mom?
I don't ask that anymore. Does it anger me, disappoint me, yes it does. Do I bother mentioning it? Why bother. His mom, his time .. it's gotten me nowhere in the past .. what makes me think it would be any different at this point.
So then fast forward a couple of hours later this evening. I went to the back to put some laundry away .. found him laying on our bed, on the phone talking. I could hear .. (his mom talks loud) .. it was her, he was on the phone with. I gathered, just from his end of the conversation as I was putting away some laundry . the dog is getting her up all hours of the night to go out and pee .. this is ongoing nightly .. a few times, she's being dragged out of bed by the dog's urgent need to go out and pee.
I heard him saying to his mom, "Ma .. you need to put the dog cordoned off into the mud room area where the washer and dryer are .. and put up the baby gate .. so you an sleep all night .. that's not good .. ".
Don't know what she said .. other than .. I've been there before .. I was on this very front and in fact, this is one of the very things that pushed me to exit the whole scene .. her inability to grasp that this is a "dog" . not a human we're asking you to do this to, and you are wearing yourself to a point that isn't good for you. It made me nuts .. and it wasn't long after this (and more) that I made a hasty exit out of this scene.
Well here we are again .. same issue. Aged dog .. now waking her all hours of the night .. and it's not just a matter of stumbling to the door to let him out, which in and of itself is a feat for her . but she also has to stumble to disarm the house .. then stumble to the back door, then wait for him to do his biz .. call him back in .. (all this is in the middle of the night, and apparently more than once this is ongoing) .. and then go arm the house again and then stumble on back into the bed .. and then to do it again and again, thru the night.
So I can imagine what her response was .. been there myself with her.
Next I hear DH saying, . "he's a dog mom .. he's a dog .. not a human .. you need to cordon him off .. so you can sleep at night, this isn't good for you to be doing this".
I can then hear her saying, "I'm not gonna do that .. now you know I'm not going to do that to him". I hear him saying to his mom then, "well then you'll be up all hours of the night with the dog then .. that's all I can tell ya".
Should he maybe offer to go out there and spend the night, so HE is the one getting up thru the night with the dog? Maybe .. maybe not .. I don't know. I know he feels about like I do . . it's a dog .. this isn't a human .. there are means to deal with this issue that don't entail you getting up and out of the bed two and three times during the night .. dont' wanna do it .. then so be it, .. your dog .. your life.
These are the kinds of things that used to come in the form of prompts from afar .. to me. Thankful they no longer do.
They finished their conversation .. I was still in the bedroom when he said, to me .. "I don't know .. I got a text here from SIL .. this is such b's' .......... ", reads it to me .. "Just wonder when you've last seen or talked to mom . .. I talk to her probably 2 and 3 x's a day and I know she's sick and tired of those MOW's .. I don't know .. maybe I need to look into getting delivery of a shrimp basket from that favorite place .. or maybe one of those good burgers from that place she likes so much".
I responded, "Ubereats .. they deliver anything you want", and walked out of the room. He said, as I was leaving the room .. "I'm gonna tell her that". I left the room.
He then came out into the den where I was, . a few mins later . and said the following, "See that's such b's .. she's texting me wanting to know when I last talked to, or visited mom .. if she's talking to her 2 and 3 x's daily she knows I haven't been there .. that's just b's .. just come right out and say what you want .. or better yet . if mom is wanting a burger or something .. then she needs to tell me .........".
I didn't respond at all.
At that, he asked me, "Isn't YD going out there tomorrow to take the dog to the vet for her?". I responded, yes, she is. He then asked, "can you make her a plate from some of our leftovers and have YD take it with her when she goes there tomorrow". I responded that I'd do so.
That was the end of that.
That's what I mean.
Okay so .. her needs .. she's apparently not eating her MOW's . because she's sick of them .. and SIL then sends an out loud thought process (I don't know .. maybe it was that .. I dunno) ......... that maybe she needs to look into delivery of some of her favorite foods. Then do it .. why run it past DH .................... if you are hinting at .. he hasn't seen your mom .. then come right out and say it ..
But ever grateful none of this was on my radar to address. SO grateful!
DH saw right thru it .. that it was an underhanded way of .. I suppose .. SIL putting a fire under him that he hasn't seen their mom .. talked to their mom.
Good .. you be the one to put the fire under him .. I did it for far too long .. and caused myself grief in my own household over a situation that isn't at all mine to own. I don't do it any longer.
Did DH then put voice to any effort at, "ya know, SIL is right .. I need to get out there, I think I'll run by there tomorrow night". Nope .. didn't say that. Did I say that to him .. "you're' sister is right ... maybe you should set aside some time tomorrow nite and run by and visit some". No .. I didn't. Used to do that kinda thing .. I don't any longer.
The only thing I added in the conversation as he talked of her having to get up multiple times a night as to her dog ... and talked of her being sick of the MOW's .. I said out loud, "but that's where she wants to be .. in her home .. this is all part of it .. a dog that is ill .. and needing attention .. and her having to deal with it .. and her sick of the MOW's . . and wishing she could have something different .. she needs to speak up", . and that's all I added to that conversation.
SIL having texted to him as part of the dialogue on the meals .. and such .. her words, "it must be awful to have a taste for something you want but you can't fix it yourself and can't really get out to get it".
Her words to DH .. I guess, .. maybe a prompt on her part .. (whether he took the bait, remains to be seen) to get him to go get her and take her to the favorite burger place, or favorite fried shrimp place. Maybe her way of prompting some action there. Will he do so? I don't know .. I wouldn't bet on it.
But he will continue to work the angle to see if they can't get all the leaders of the church into a b'fast meeting once a month. That angle he will work on.
We all do what we value with our time. He obviously .. for whatever his reasons .. doesn't value the situation ..
He was all too happy with status quo as long as I was the chief stepper and fetcher .. but I think he has a pretty clear read those days are over as me in that role. So .. the fact there is no stepper/fetcher in it all any longer, doesn't in any way mean he's going to step into that role.
So be it.
But it's that kinda thing ... that causes me frustration.
He and his sister both choose to allow their mom the latitude to continue to live alone.
Implicit in that is the fact her dog will become ill or needy and her unable to attend to it .. and her struggling to get thru each nite with lack of sleep for getting him out countless times. BUT THIS IS WHAT THEY CHOOSE in allowing the status quo .. so why all the hullabaloo over it. THEY CHOOSE to continue with status quo .. and are aware that means she will fail to eat .. and SIL's solution to that is to ponder whether she should try and order some of the mom's favorites for delivery. Do it then .. why pontificate about it, why run it up your brother's flagpole .. as you used to do me .. just do it .. your mom .. your choices to allow her to remain in her home and be happy there .. do it. Why all the fuss/muss.. just do it, if you think it's important ..
Or learn to live with the fact that when you continue with status quo .. .her living there alone .. that's gonna mean she's gonna struggle with an ailing dog at night .. not sleeping .. she's gonna tire of the boring MOW's .. and so make arrangements that Flighty C take her to one of her favorite places .. make arrangements that one of the MOW drivers that you so convinced were on board for errands .. are aware of this newest dilemma .. and maybe they'd be willing to go pick up a burger from the favorite burger place ..
(BTW .. DH did go pick up some burgers from one of her favorite places .. oh I don't know .. it's been a week or more .. maybe two .. and he took them out there to have lunch with her).
It just seems to me .. (Unable to put myself in her shoes successfully) ........ seems to me .. every little hiccup that arises .. it comes up on our radar .. day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year .. this goes on and on .. and .. isn't there somewhere in this .. isn't there somewhere in it, an impetus of .. "ya know, this is the life she wants to remain in her home .. that's gonna mean the dog has problems she has to deal with .. that means she's gonna at times be sick to death of the MOW's and want something different but unable to really address that on her own .. ".
Am I the only one that sees that the results of the decisions made .. aren't gonna always look nice and comfy cozy.
In fact DH may be “getting it” after all. I am also happy that SIL’s texts now go to her brother and not you.
PS Isthisreally I sent you a PM.
Well, that's not going to happen, is it?
Whatever disaster befalls MIL, you're going to call 911. You are not going to the hospital. You're going to let DH go and have HIM get told that his mom can't live alone.
MIL is making her own choices. Not your job to enable them. Not your job to throw teaspoons of water on the raging fire.
And definitely not your job to wonder what's going to happen.
Work on the anxiety thing in therapy.
And no, it's not that I would define my Thursday visits there to assist MIL as the source of much anxiety and why do I do it? That Thursday visit that I set aside weekly ... it's really pretty brief all in all, .. and I do for her, what I can in that set aside time and that I do because I want to feel as though I am contributing and not turning a blind eye.
It's all the other "need" that crops up on the radar continuously. That .. more the source of the anxiety I feel.
Why does that then cause me to be anxious when I know, I know and I know .. not mine to own and deal with?
Now there would be a good question to have an answer to. Wish I could clearly define it.
Somehow to me .. I don't know .. because I haven't lived it .... it might all make better sense and I might wear it better .. were there a mentality from both DH and his sister .. that their mother makes the choices she does (not a wise on, IMO) .. and in that choice is the fallout of how life looks messy .. and sometimes not as comfy-cozy as she'd like it ... and that's how it's gonna be. Were I to hear those words, .. over and over .. from a daughter and her brother .. that they too realize .. that we cannot all jump through continual hoops to keep her life as comfy-cozy as she seems to think it should be ...
Maybe in them defining and acting upon the above mentality with it all, ... maybe I think ... (who knows if it would pan out that way in the end, haven't lived it to know) .. maybe I think, in a sense, .. that for me .. .there would be less anxiety in it all, in the realization on their parts also .. "yep .. life ain't gonna be as comfortable as you seem to think it should be".
I think DH's actions in fact, kinda speak to that .. he goes when he is called upon for broken faucets or whatever else home-maintenance issue is a problem .... for the most part. Outside of that, .. the rest of it .. falls on deaf ears as far as him taking any ownership.
While he doesn't really put voice to it as I describe above .. his actions do speak to just that kinda demeanor. Look no further than last week about this time when MIL called and spoke to him about the specialty dog food awaiting pickup at the vet's office. It was no sooner said to him than forgotten by him. He didn't then take any ownership and begin to try to calculate into his day how he would figure a way to get by and pick up said dog food, nor did he then try and see if maybe he could delegate that task .. to the church lady, to me, .. to his daughters .. it was forgotten ... as soon as it was said.
Look no further, than my having mentioned .. that the dog is sick and needing a vet visit .. at a time when he was packing to go camping with the little boys from our church. Did he then stop in his tracks and contemplate cancelling w/the little boys from church? Not for a minute, no. His words, "that old dog needs to go on and die".
Look no further than my having mentioned last night whether anyone was willing to make a plate to run out to MIL. Did he step up and contemplate doing so? Nope. Not one iota.
It got ignored.
So while he doesn't put "voice" to what I describe above, .. what he lives .. in service to the situation . is just about as clearly defined as above.
And then finds it annoying that his sister texts with some issue with regard to mom being sick of the MOW's and that it must be awful for her that she has a taste for one of those burgers she likes, or the shrimp basket that she likes .. but has no way to fix it for herself, or get out and get it on her own. Finds that annoying ...
Does he then contemplate .. "gee, how can I get mom and get her to that burger place she likes, when would that fit my schedule?".
Nope. Not a bit.
Him talking a little bit more this morning about the whole dog fiasco . that she absolutely refuses to hear of one iota of putting the dog in a more cordoned off area, so she can sleep at night, his words, "it's like we're talking about a little boy here, in her view . that I'm asking her to do that to a small child, .. man .. she is so sick/twisted about that dog ............. it's BEYOND RIDICULOUS". His words.
I only responded, "was there on the scene with just this very thing last year about this time .. and I too tried to encourage that she cordon the dog off .. maybe put the dog outside more during the day ... and she looked at me like I had 3 heads and told me that she's not gonna do that, it's like asking her to lock a small child outside".
Described to him how I got a little bent with his sister over the whole scene and her insistence at that time, that I take a baby gate over there, to lean up against a chair .. a baby gate that wouldn't stretch the width it needs, to be of any service to cordon off a dog .. and that the baby gate, simply by leaning up against chairs there .. would then have to be moved by her, for her to travel back and forth out of the kitchen .. her a fall risk .. and that I had . in a sense ... lost it with his sister and told her no .. wasn't doing it .. and that I didn't wanna hear another thing about the baby gate.
He responded, "what's going to become of mom if she wakes up one morning and that dog has passed on .. what will we do with her ..... I mean in one sense .. I say that the dog needs to go .. him and all his health maladies she can't deal with .. but that dog is her lifeline to functioning every day .. what's gonna become of her, if that dog goes .. ".
I laughed, .. "I guess you'll have to go and she can fix your food in a little dog bowl and you can go be her little doggie".
Yes the anxiety that ratchets up in me, with all the never ending need. The "need" now apparently that she's sick of the MOW's ... and so that gets put on DH's radar . not mine thankfully .. but I know .. he isn't gonna address it .. it still hangs there, unanswered to. Is SIL then going to take it upon herself to order from Uber-eats .. I dunno ... don't really care .. that's up to her. Is SIL going to then take it upon herself to maybe communicate this need to Flighty C .. (I doubt it), no ............. will SIL . since this is obviously something of concern to her .. is she going to ask that MIL communicate this need to one of her church ladies .. to the MOW drivers .. I doubt it. No, she'd rather put it on DH's radar (where it will be promptly forgotten and not addressed).
Or ..................... as I cautioned him this morning which got a look of disdain, .. and that's precisely what I have in mind when I caution as follows .. "Don't forget we have the kiddos next Friday nite for a sleepover, all 3 of them .. and I will need you front and center .. probably til about mid-day on Saturday .. so don't go get yourself assigned anywhere".
That got a look of .. "don't tell me what to do".
The reason I put that out there ..
1) Don't let your sister waylay you into a task with your mom that you can .. and should address outside of the above assignment where I need you here.
2) Don't let the church waylay you into an assignment there, that you now also must see to .. because you also have to see about your mom .. with some task now placed on your list.
I ran the above arrangement past him .. before I agreed to watch g'kids .. and he does enjoy them . it's not like I'm asking him to do something he hates. He's good with the kids .. and will do as they need, be that diapers, feeding, playing with them, etc etc. And he enjoys it.
He agreed to be front and center for same. Wanted to remind him .. because he is one who will likely agree to go and address something of a need .. as to MIL .. put on his radar by sister .. or the church ..
Anxiety this creates.
Like I said, maybe Xanax is more what needs to be on board, rather than Buspar.
Remember - your MIL is calling all of the shots here about staying in her home. FINE. But she doesn't get to call the shots of who does what fetchin'. If DH forgets it, and DD, YD don't want to, then MIL needs to manage it.
It is hard to watch, though.
I think I am angry on your behalf that for over 15 years you stepped and fetched all of the ridiculous, the urgent, the wants, the social life for your MIL and that gave SIL and DH an "off the hook" and yet to this day - it doesn't seem as if any of them, MIL included, really "got" or said thank you for all that you did. They just noticed you were no longer front and center, and "oh, well, MIL will manage". I'd be angry that i seemed to have wasted a lot of unappreciated time in the past 15 years.
So, use therapy to release your anger and bitterness and any negativity and move forward with what you WANT to do with life - your grand kids, your P/T job, etc. Keep us posted as the story continues. This is SO relevant to so many of us who have stubborn parents wanting to stay home - yes, i get it, but they don't get that it takes a village to support them.
Just .. if I needed any indication at all, that life was sweet for all those who got to live their own lives and do as they please while I stepped and fetched better than anyone. Look no further than this morning.
As we all know, that's not my role any longer.
In comes YD from her weekend away .. where she knew she'd be needed here for some cleaning and so forth as we prepare for my mom's visit later today and o'nite ...
YD also aware that her day will entail a vet visit .. for MIL's precious poochy.
I was in the kitchen working on some home made lasagna to pop into the oven later .. and cleaning when in comes YD.
YD: "Ma, I have a question?".
Me: "yes?".
YD: "So where is OD in all this (oldest daughter) ........ why doesn't she do anything to help g'ma".
Me: (this is a loaded question and potential for a pizzing match I don't care to enter) and so I respond "I don't know, good question for you to ask her".
YD: "I'm not gonna ask her that .. I just was wondering if you know .. I mean DD does for g'ma ... dad does for g'ma .. SIL does for g'ma ... I was just over there washing her dog for her .. and now I have to go again to go take the dog for a vet appointment".
Me: "...............and I go over there once a week".
This is met with a "yea yea" kinda answer .. as in .. you don't do much either ........ maybe approaching ground that she'd like to have a problem with me, that I'm not front and center on this latest need.
YD again: "But do you know what I mean .. dad does for her, ... DD does for her, .. SIL comes here and does for her ... and I was just there to wash the dog, why doesn't OD do anything for her, .. ".
(((Mind you, I know why OD doesn't do anything for MIL. It's been asked before .. first and foremost there is not a nurturing bone in OD's body unless it's for an animal ..she will tell anyone that listens she cares far less for people than she does animals .. far less .. but other than that .. she works six days a week, long hours and her only day off is Sunday and that's the day she chooses to spend as she pleases to her heart's content doing just what she wants/needs with her time)))
I happen to know this is OD's approach.
It's not up to me to agree/disagree .. with OD's approach. As far as I'm concerned these are g'kids that can step up or not .. it's not an issue with me either way. If MIL's needs are such that .. let's say no g'kids live here in town and aren't here to step up to whatever said need is, it would have to be answered to in another fashion .. and so I don't care either way.
I have told her in the past, .. *be careful* . and that was said with respect of SIL will run you ragged if you let her .. don't let yourself be run ragged, .. only do what you want to do, when you want to.
This conversation has been had with YD.
Now, this morning .. she almost had the demeanor of someone who wanted to have a problem here with this latest task. I was busy and not at a point where I cared to debate the finer points of it all ... nor do I care to enter into a pizzing match over who does what and who doesn't.
Her words (she actually said to me, indicative she wants to have a problem): "Well I mean, you're making me go and do this vet thing .. when does OD have to be told by you what to do?".
At that I did stop ... and reply with a bit of indignance to my tone .. "I'M MAKING YOU?!?!?!?, how do you figure it's ME making you do this?".
YD: "Well you told me the other day that you need me to take poochy to the vet for g'ma".
ME: "Noooooo .. what I told you is that your g'ma is going to need to talk to you to see if you have the time to take poochy to the vet .. and that before you agree to do that, you need to know there are things that need your attention here . on this front when you get back from out of town .. I didn't TELL YOU TO DO ANYTHING . that's up to you".
I haven't taken any opportunity to bring it up any further, I have to run now .. have some thing to do and then get back here and have some more cleaning to do .. and get ready for mom's visit.
If she brings it up again .. I will remind her, .. "you don't have to DO ANYTHING .. w/regard to your g'ma .. what you do for her, is up to you, as I told you before ... and what OD does or doesn't do, or DD .. or anyone of us .. is up to them ... don't do it if you don't want to".
But that conversation has been had previously.
The only thing she was left with as far as input from me, is that's a good conversation for her to have with OD ... that I don't know the answer to her question. (I do know the answer, but I'm not going to speak on OD's behalf .. OD can do that .. and she can catch chit from YD if that's where it needs to go .. and/or .. she can drop it and leave it as .... I'll do what I can and OD is a piece of chit for not cooperating and helping. Immaterial to me).
And further, as far as I'm concerned this is an issue that she needs to raise with her dad .. if it's a problem .. talk to your dad about it ... not me.
I thought it was very dismissive and disprectful the way she didn't acknowledge when I said, "..............and I go there once a week" ...
It was all fine and peachy for everyone concerned as long as all this need was met by Dorker ..
Now .. now that others are being called to the front .. it seems as if it has the potential to become an "issue". Not one I care to enter into.