I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Next family dinner, or when you are with your adult children - you need to make clear that when you are old and decrepit that you want the truth to be told when you are being a PITA and need to move. That you have learned a lot from 15 years (or so) of servitude, and you want to share something very important:
They must make boundaries of what they will and will not do, and tell the person who is demanding attention. They are allowed to have different boundaries than other people have. And they are NEVER obligated to serve others and you will NOT make that demand of them. If they don't want to do something, they SHOULD say NO. I know you've said it before, but they did not believe you because of what they saw with MIL.
Your boundary is nothing outside of Wed. Your husband's boundary (realizing it or not) is nothing that is not maintenance related where he does not need to talk to his (not-adored) mother. You and he might not have realized that is what his limits are, but his actions speak louder than his words. How about everyone cutting him some slack for sticking to his promises to fatherless little boys and not jumping to a manufactured emergency with the dog's ears? His boundary is "maintenance issues only, don't make me sit in the room with obnoxious mama."
In this thought process: I think you consider going back with MIL to her doc appointment on Thurs. Don't ask, just go. If she fusses at you, you can say, but MIL, part of the agreement for me to take you to a doctor appointment was for me to go into the appointment with you to help. If I don't go back there, I'll just go home and you can call a taxi. What would she say then to save face? If she puts up that boundary that you can't go with her to see the doc, fine, but you can make a boundary there too.
Then in the back, help her - help get on table, sure, but also help by asking doc if she's eligible for palliative or hospice care since she's stated repeatedly that she's ready to go to her maker and she has no one living with her. Seriously - in front of her. If she throws you out, then you actually leave. You can tell her she can take a taxi and you are going to your house. If you have people who hear her throw you out, all the better. Maybe not the best solution, but I see that creating an incident, especially at the doctor's office, will get you more traction towards getting her help than just being frustrated - moving that anger energy in a more positive direction for shared benefit.
And yes, whether it's spoken or not ... out loud ... it does appear DH has some boundaries himself .. as to the whole setting.
And reminder here from this board .. reading thru it all.... that I don't have to, nor should I, be stepping up to do far more than her offspring are willing to do. Reminder that I stepped back from all this incessant need/want/whim .. for very very good reason.
DH all too content to not rush out there with plated food for mommy .. rush out there to stay up all night to let poochy in and out .. run out there to secure specialized foods for poochy .. run out there to sit with her for b'fast in the morning maybe every other week .. and any number of other things his actions speak to as to what he will and will not be a part of doing.
Reminders in reading it all here, why I stepped away .............. I once did do all this and more .. and interrupt my day routinely to step to the need/want/whim .. all while others went on their merry way doing as they please with their daily routines. And me growing more and more bitter.
Case in point with YD this morning when she obviously wanted to have a problem having been asked to step to the forefront on the latest need (vet), but it's not me she should have a problem with. I have been as clear as I know how to be ... do what you want, don't do it if you don't want. Outside of that, don't come at me with a problem you have .. having been asked to step in .. solve it ..you're an adult.
you were the fixer for YEARS. You made the decision to change and put the work up for grabs that you took care of for YEARS. Of course the rest of the family is irritated with you for stepping back, not just MIL and SIL. Everyone else got a free pass for the most part for years. I mean, DH asked YOU to fix the plate for MIL from leftovers in the fridge - I guess his arm is broken.... It's easier to blame you indirectly for the stuff you don't do (the one time per week is "of course, yeah yeah" because you did so much for so long that it's not special any more -- it's a pain that you don't do it all ANY MORE) than compliment you for what you did. Mission creep - people quit appreciating the "extra" you do after you do it for so long it becomes the expected status quo and not a favor any more. It's easier to say that YOU made YD do the job than to for YD to tell grandma no after the daughters got roped into helping by daddy/DH. It's easier to sidestep just dropping the plate off for middle DD than to actually, you know, TAKE THE PLATE AND LEAVE IT without a long visit. It's funny that OD is the only one of you that has set the firm boundaries of "I can do this but no more". Therapist that she saw during her addiction and mental illness may have made her one of the mentally healthier members of your family in terms of having a life outside the boundaries of service to church, MIL, and the rest of the family. Gosh, wanting to do one's own life after 6 days a week of work?? How selfish of OD not to cooperate after stating that she was not willing to and to expect that YD should help with what YD AGREED to. And again, Dorker, you are supposed to make others "do their part".
I had talk with my own DH yesterday and he got a really odd look on face when I took ownership of my own anxiety and need at one point to have him behave towards his parents the way "I thought he should". He was ready to be angry with me "for rehashing the past and telling him what to do". I told him that actually, my anxiety and attempts to control were my own need to try to make things easier for others so that I feel less compelled to fix others. When I let go of that desire to have things be better for others, it's helped me be less critical. The look on his face with *nothing* to rage against to defend his behaviors?!? Priceless. I told him that my brother's own late reaction to my parents' death and his attempts to fix things years later made me overly concerned with helping my husband avoid regret. I told DH that I was sorry that I was trying to prevent any outcomes from his own behavior that he might later regret or want to change. My MIL is a narcissistic waif, too; my FIL is an entitled azz that seeks free servitude and they've both been severely disappointed by my decision not to provide. Dorker, hugs from ALL YOUR FRIENDS. Anger stems from frustration; if you can remove the frustration you can reduce the anger. I think you're just struggling with the entire dynamic including DH and daughters' expectations, not just MIL and SIL. It's hard to realize that we have become a drudge.
If MIL does nothing and goes no where, why all the worry about her sleeping all night? She probably sleeps 80% of her day. Sometimes I think we place more importance on what is being said then is real. She has no life, you call to talk and the only thing she has to talk about is what her small world consists of, the dog. She probably isn't looking for any help or assistance, just talking.
Also, your SIL needs to be told to knock it off, this passive aggressive directing from afar is way to much. She does it because she has gotten away with it for how many decades? Encourage your husband to stand up and say, "Dear sister, I know you worry about mom, not enough to relocate and deal with it yourself but, this passive aggressive control needs to stop. If you can not ask, tell or request straight out you need to STFU. Do you understand dear sister? Talk to your mommy from your 2k home as often as you like but stop trying to determine what I should be doing and trying to passively aggressively direct my actions. Do you get that dear sister? I thought it was made clear that if mom wants something, she needs to ask us directly, do you get that dear sister?" That woman could give a wood pecker a headache.
Dorker, I know you addressed all of this with the big talk with SIL. Maybe, to help relieve some of the stress and frustration for you, you can call her and reiterate that she is causing problems and if mom wants, she needs to step up. From what you have said SIL is the one that creates most of the fetch and step by interpreting MIL conversation into a to do list.
That you can not find any empathy for her (MIL) speaks to having lots of resentment, what ever the source, you need to find a way to get rid of that. You make one excuse after another about why it wasn't the same (not as hard) for her to have her dad with her 24/7 3 months on/off. You have already made the decision that if it all crashes you are not stepping up, so why are you freaking out? Why are you worrying so much, your DH and SIL are not going to push her to make the big move, I'm not trying to be rude but, you are right back to a year ago, the only thing that has changed for you, is you are no longer chief step and fetch. Your stress and anxiety are as high if not higher, you know that it seems as if they don't do what you want to see done then it is all wrong. IMO.
Let it go, tell your YD to remember that each of us has free will and if she feels that getting in your face and being disrespectful is a good solution for her, she may want to rethink that, after all she is a grown woman living off her parents for free, not a right but a privilege that disrespect can cause to be revoked. (Just my opinion, I personally think that when you live under someone else's roof, you behave yourself as a guest, regardless that it is mom and dad and you are grown. If you are really a grown up, you pay your own way.)
I obviously don't know all the family dynamics Dorker, I read that your family is being torn asunder by all of your anger and frustration. You can not control any of them or the situation, time has made that abundantly clear. You can control you and your actions, your family knows you and I guarantee that they get your ill masked anger.
Please find a way to let go and let the chips fall where they may, sufficient unto the day.
That dog is your MILs best friend, constant companion and reason for living, you were defending this not that long ago. She is old, frail and probably scared and lonely, being stoic because she is obviously a strong woman, she doesn't have long left and from what you have written, she is doing the best she can, she is only calling with real needs, SIL interfering does not count against MIL, she is only asking what they offered, cut her a little slack. I know that she has no business living alone and would be far better off in a facility, not gonna happen, get use to it, accept it. I personally, after what I have seen with my dad, I get it, I don't ever want to go into a facility, gonna take my shopping cart, tarp and sleeping bag and go on a walk about until i die.
Dorker, I feel like I know you and as I would tell any friend, you need to let it go, find a way to get rid of the resentment and anger, you are in real danger of loosing your family over this, everyone is so defensive and pizzy to each other because of the stress and I think it comes from you, that is what happens when you are the force of the family, everyone feeds off of your emotions and attitude.
I pray for you and I hope you find a release soon.
You have spoken in the past of DH's life with his mother--not so great, right? He went a little wild for a while? Does she throw that up to him? My own DH's mom has a grudge list a mile long and a memory like an elephant. Something I did "wrong" 40 years ago is just as fresh in her mind as it was the day it happened. DH was a wild child and she still reminds him EVERY SINGLE TIME HE SEES HER what PITA he was.
And he hates to visit her--Obvious as to why. He goes, they chat for a bit, he fixes something and then inevitably the convo goes around to his youth and how he spend years just "shredding her nerves".
DH wants nothing to do with her, but guilt propels him to see her a couple times a year. Guilt, not me. I don't care what he does with regard to her.
A true Narcissist simply CANNOT see past themselves and their needs/wants. It's a true mental disorder and MIL will never be "enlightened" nor "better".
Your DH is not facing HAVING to step up and he hates it. Obviously. He puts others ahead of his mother and always will. He won't change. His anger at his mom--well, a lot of men only "do" anger. Emotions are hard, painful, and require some insight For years you stepped up and made him look good. No more. HE's mad about that. He's mad his mom is so recalcitrant. He's mad she gets SO MUCH TIME from everyone--she talks the "I'm independent" talk but doesn't walk the walk. AND SHE NEVER, EVER WILL.
IMHO, she has sucked the life out of everyone around her. No one person needs or deserves to be catered to in such a fashion as she has grown accustomed.
I'd quit fussing the MOW meals, eat or don't eat them, she's her own person. Also any housekeeping efforts. Also any communication with SIL, You sound burned out again.
Yes, I sound mean. But last week my BF's mom died-no warning, just had a massive stroke and died. She has been caring 24/7 for her very ill hubby who has a ton of health issues for over 10 years---she neglected herself so much--and now dad is alone, the kids are distraught over losing their mother in her early 70's and now having a very sick dad to find care for. So busy hauling her hubby all over and caring for him--and she developed HBP and didn't tx it.
Dorker--MIL is NOT going to change. Not one whit. She is going to get worse, slowly until she does that final fall that makes a NH the only option. Fussing NOW about the "possibility" of what may happen during hurricane season--forget about it. She will not go to IL and you all know it. You're obsessing over scenarios that likely won't even happen.
SHE lives in the here and now w/ a thought as to how much she ruins other's lives...you don't need to do it too. (My DH always says he never worries about anything since I worry about it all for him) Not healthy!)
You really, truly need to step away. Truly. One day a week. No texts from SIL to be accepted or acknowledged as they do NOT pertain to you.
I say this with care and love, MIL is ruining everyone's life. She doesn't get that. So sad.
Xanax is wonderful, BTW.
YD fussing at you is just one more person on "the team" flexing because they liked it better when you did it all and they were free.
That song gets old. There’s a streak of that amongst my in-laws. Most family gatherings devolve into a virtual autopsy of the motives of the (predictable) no-shows and their (ostensibly) worthless spouses.
Tiresome. And offensive, when you’re the one who shows up.
Somehow this made me think of you. "Why isn't Dorker caring for Ma/Grandma anymore?" Nobody seems to realize that you were spending your own time and energy, nobody appreciated it until you stopped and now, "Why aren't you doing your job???" Not Dorker's job anymore.
That course turned, many many many years ago.
Any supposition that MIL lives in that era and then chastises him for his prior transgressions of his youth, really not accurate .. or maybe .. in a reverse kinda way .. .maybe somewhat. It rarely comes up .. when it does .. she is known to say things like, "Well you know how proud your dad and I have always been of you ... we wouldn't of given a plug nickel for you way back when, but you have become a fine upstanding respectable citizen .. and we couldn't be prouder".
So it does .. (underhandedly) crop up .. but not in the way that he sits there being taken to task for his youthful wild oats. It comes up .. yes .. but .. handed to him with compliments on what he did become instead of what they were all sure he would become.
And as to having another "come to Jesus meeting with SIL", that's a good idea, and should this *passive/aggressive* tendency continue .. I may do that. Fortunately, for her .. none of it is directed to me. I just happen to be in the proximity of it all, because my husband and I talk to one another .... we live under the same roof and we "talk".
I guess I could go thru the backdoor and tell him .. "Don't tell me another thing that your mother calls about or your sister, I don't wanna know". But that's kinda immature and impetuous.
No, what I need to do is learn the shrug of the shoulders. DH giving lip service to his disgust .. at having SIL blow up his phone with hidden agendas that aren't so hidden. A shrug of the shoulders from me ... that's what I need to learn. The person who is the "yes man", ....... me .... spent years putting out fires and lighting fires where needed to get action on this whole thing. Never learned to shrug the shoulders .. no .. yes men (women) .. they jump in and start trudging thru and getting chit done. Shrugging the shoulders .. a foreign concept to someone made like me.
YD hasn't said anymore, but believe me, had she pushed it any further she'd of been told that disrespecting me for something she agreed to do on her own, without prompt from me, .. not gonna fly. Knock it off. But she dropped it, didn't hear anymore from her. Other than .. she was beefing .. I guess her thought process was that somehow MIL wanted to accompany to the vet. This .. is a whole cumbersome process of getting her to the car, securing her walker, .. trying to deal with an excitable dog in the process and then do it all over again to get out of the car at the vet, and then again, to get back into the car to go home. Dread .. YD and DREAD.
She called MIL though and MIL .. so so so tired (life .. just being awake and existing .. it's all she can do .. just to have her eyes open .. it seems .. much less live and function .. almost impossible) .. MIL dreading having to go .. that she'd come to the back to struggle to get her clothes on and thought how tired she is .. that she just can't do this .. and would YD just handle it .. and YD all too happy to do that, sans no MIL to also drag along in the whole scenario.
Fortunately all of this was outside my realm of any responsibility to address or deal with. The only reason I knew any of it was because I was sitting outside, where YD was .. I was out there to watch the 4 yo swimming for a little while .. and YD picked up her phone to get some clarity around the above.
It's not 2nd nature to me .. but I need to take a page out of DH's book.
His mom calls wanting him to walk around the yard with the irrigation personnel summoned there to inspect things. He responded that's ridiculous and no .. he'd be working at that hour .. no .. he wasn't doing that.
She called him wanting to let him know the specialty dog food was in and ready for p/up at which he promptly forgot as soon as it was said.
Called him pondering whether sprinklers are indeed coming on at 4 AM .. as they should .. and asking if he could come there, .. at 4 AM ?!?!?!? and no ... he told her, he's not doing that.
DH aware she isn't eating real well, a suggestion is made that someone take her a plate of food, .. he doesn't step up to do so, nor does he delegate that someone else take care of it.. dismisses it, if he even registered it at all.
He was made aware the dog has some issue and needs a vet appointment, coinciding with his plans that he'd made with the orphan kids .. to take them camping .. and that too, .. a task that his mom needs .. dispensed with and not thought another thing about it.
Him made aware by SIL that MIL is sick of the MOW's .. and has a taste for a burger or a basket of shrimp .. her underhanded, I suppose, .. attempt .. at getting him to commit to getting MIL out for said tasty morsels. Didn't bite that hook either.
He is a master at the shrug of the shoulder that I SO DESPERATELY need to learn myself!
This just a handful of what has been sent in this direction (not to me mind you .. but nonetheless) .. and he ..master at sloughing it off. I need to take notes. SERIOUSLY.
If he can do it, and it's HIS MOM .. by goodness ............. it's HIS MOTHER .. not mine .. if he can slough it all off with just a mere blip of something forgotten as soon as it's mentioned, then I need to figure out how he does that, and follow suit.
Pharmacology is your friend. As long as you keep your usage to as prescribed, Xanax works.
It will help to dial down your stress level. Nothing wrong with taking it; don’t feel guilty about it.
I do respect your DHs boundaries. My DH was the wild child in his family. After we married and he decided to “settle down”, he spent almost every free moment in servitude to his Dad. Trying to prove himself imo. Decades. FIL, 2, weeks before he died, from his hospital bed, still barking orders. Uggghhh
If this anxiety thing has ramped up lately, it appears to me that you are being dragged back in.
No, you aren’t stepping and fetching but you are getting group texts. You are getting calls from MIL that turn into messages that you have to pass on for requests for help. YD helping with the pooch.
Then after YD dreading the task all weekend, blaming you for volunteering her services, which you did not.
The “team effort” SIL put together is slowly unraveling.
The texts are starting, the troops are complaining, you ARE getting dragged back into the drama.
This is just my opinion, but I do not think your girls should be pressed into service.
If they want to volunteer out of love for their grandma that’s one thing. But one complaining that all three aren’t sharing in the load equally isn’t how this works, imo. If one daughter chooses not to help that’s her choice.
And how about practicing shrugs: I see. I understand. That's interesting.
And how about redirects: What do you think about the latest news issue in the middle east? How about Washington? What do you think about climate change? If you give MIL something to talk about besides her little world, then maybe she would not harp on the minutia of her life. Suggest she turn on talk radio and find a station she likes to keep her company. I bet she'd start talking about that to SIL instead of her dog needing to pee so she can get a visit from son.
And the backhanded way she brings up the past, disguised as a compliment: That's just painful, no matter what. She does that intentionally. I would not submit myself to that. Good for DH for avoiding verbal abuse.
Ask yourself "is this a criticial item" if not - say "no" or do on Thursday during your time. No one has to pick up the latest whim from MIL or SIL. If MIL is sick of MOW - she can pick up the phone and order in a shrimp basket - why does anyone have to make a special trip - unless they want to? You already know how many of the MIL issues are non-critical items. Don't feel guilty for shrugging off.
Good luck to you tomorrow. I'm hoping MIL enjoyed her little snit at the cleaning person, has enjoyed putting up with a dirty house and sticky floors for two weeks, and will let the cleaner in today.
I personally don't see why she was so upset other than "please call if you can't come normal time". Your MIL is homebound - does it really matter Wed vs Fri?
I am putting off going out to the garden...and scrolled through the last few days of posts....wow, I really hope you are seeing your therapist. So much is running through that brain of yours! You remember everything--that would make me anxious, too! Luckily I don't have that kind of memory--but you do and so all the things come boiling out at once, since you can't forget (I do not mean that in a bad way at all)..you tend to hash things out and worry about the future "maybes"...and you are going to go crazy doing that.
Again, I'd get some Xanax, or Klonipin. I've been on a small dose of Klonipin for 20 years and it's IMPOSSIBLE to get more than a small amt w/o my psych doc's OK. I have to be judicious with it. But I have an anxiety disorder and that stuff has saved my bacon many, many times. Not proud of having to take it, but I do get overwrought (not so much anymore) and then nobody wants to deal with me. Your call. You WON'T get addicted, but it may smooth out the rough spots. Your call, no judgment.
--sigh---your MIL would try the patience of MANY saints.
And your DH obviously is sick to death of dealing with her--your kids sort of do/don't want to help out, but don't rely on them. We don't "job out" a single thing for the grandkids to do for my mother. Ever. What they think of the care mother is provided is not my worry. Any time they want to step up and do something, they can. But they don't and we don't ask.
I can't believe you still have ANY contact with SIL. I'd seriously blacklist her from my phone and IF I wanted any contact with her, I'd call her. The group texts are a sneaky way for her to throw you under the bus, b/c she knows you're reading the texts and trying to get you more involved by nagging at DH. This is DH's problem, now. However he chooses to handle those texts is up to him. Sounds like he is doing quite a bit for MIL--silly things, yes, but he's doing them. Bad attitude and all.
SIL can set up a acct for Ubereats and order MIL's special meals if she wants to. NOT YOU.
SIL can berate the housecleaner.
SIL can call and coordinate rides, etc. She seems to live for drama. Let her do it.
Since SIL left, your stress level has gone up and up---I feel it sneaking its way back into your life through your posts. You're worrying about the POSSIBILTIES of how a "maybe" situation will work out. And while it's good to plan ahead, it's not good to hash out in your mind over and over what all the potential issues may be. Hurricane season? If MIL is still living alone by then and it's dangerous, put her on a da^n plane to IL for the season. Yes, against her will. You have the stupid "special needs" paper for the dog--no holdup this year.
Have you had the "come to Jesus" talk with MIL. Just the two of you? Or is she just so compromised in her thinking that she'd just blow you off and you'd have to hear all the stories yet another time? I'm wondering if she truly understand why you have been absent for the last few months...and do bring up that she needs to call DH, not you unless it's for Thursday morning stuff. She needs to know what to expect EXACTLY for the upcoming hurricane season--she can't live alone without power and gas. She may think she can, but it's very dangerous and quite ridiculous. Maybe you could double down and ask her to please name a POA? I told MY MIL years ago that she needed a will and she refused to make one. Finally, the thing that made her do it was me sitting her down and telling her how STRANGERS would go through all her stuff and value it and THEN give it to family. She said "even my underwear drawer" Yes, even that. We would have no options. That upset her enough she had a will made. Same with apt a POA. She doesn't make a decision, they decision is made by the state.
Dorker--you've done so well!! Please don't get drawn back into the madness.
Realistically, until she dies, you and DH are going to spat about her care. DH is not going to suddenly step up. Just accept that. I think his over-involvement with his church work is a way for him to feel good about himself, while giving service to people who appreciate it--people who are not his mother. I quit reminding my DH he hadn't seen his mother in 4, 6, 8 months many years ago. He'd just say "I'm a terrible son" and I'd reply 'Yes you are'. End of discussion, every time. But it took YEARS for me to not get after him for being so unreliable. Now I really truly do not care.
Enjoy those babies, life your life and try to go a whole day w/o even thinking about MIL. She's CHOSEN this life, over and over. Now let her live it.
YOU take care of YOU!!
"You, Sir, will die either of the pox or on the gallows!"
"That, Sir, depends on whether I embrace your mistress or your principles."
I think the respondent was Walpole, but don't quote me. I don't know who the accuser was.
Anyhoooo....
Mmm.
Well.
So MIL is living alone with MOW and other visiting services, yes? DH is right to shrug the small stuff; what passes between him and SIL is their problem; MIL is not Dorker's problem come hell or high water; maintaining normal communication with DH is good. So it's all okay.
Only, just a heads-up. Before very long, unless they are intentionally closing their eyes to it, someone in one of the visiting services is going to have to report to APS that MIL is unsafe in her home. Which she is. That won't be your problem either, Dorker, but be ready.
I had to take note of the comment where it was said that MIL can order anything she wants, doesn't have to be SIL sneaking in the backdoor on that, and prompting action from others.
When I say to you folks she is far too addled and feeble .. and shouldn't be living alone. The concept of her calling for delivery of any dinners .. falls under that category, very strongly. Can't stress that enough. She is far too addled to handle such a task, and that's the truth. It honestly is. She does live alone .. and that's the fact, .. but when I say she shouldn't be ... there are numerous reasons .. and the above is one simple small little task that almost anyone could see to for themselves, if they so choose .. not her. Here's about how that goes:
MIL rings up said establishment, "yes I just wondered .. I really would like your small shrimp basket .. can you deliver that?".
Restaurant (because I know of the restaurant she refers to as one of her favorites for shrimp baskets): "no mam we don't do delivery but there are several outfits that do that, .. if you want to send GrubHub or Uber-eats .. if you want to get online with them, or call them, they pick up food here all the time, .. give them a call".
MIL: "Who?, what is that you said, what's the person's name?".
Restaurant: "No mam, it's not a person, it's a company, there are several of them, let me give you their phone nos.".
MIL: "Who?, .. wait .. you're giving me a phone number for who?, .. I just wanted you to deliver a shrimp basket that's all".
Restaurant: "No mam, we don't do delivery .. as I was explaining .. we have several companies that do pick up here, and will deliver, be glad to provide you their phone numbers, would you like to write those down"
MIL: "Well I don't know .. I just thought I could call there and get a delivery .. but I don't know who these other people are, .. I'll just .. I'll call another time".
The above is no exaggeration of how it would go. I do realize that people, elderly people even, .. handle this task, .. and/or they have a relative do so for them, quite routinely .. and should she express any desire that be done for her, .. I'm sure her daughter .. or her son .. or any her g'kids will help achieve that for her. It's just a matter of downloading the app, and go on to the app and order, .. easy-peasy for any of us. Not so much for her, .. so .. fine .. call their phone number. But she wouldn't even really be able to successfully navigate doing that. I'm telling you an accurate portrayal of what her capacities are.
When I see her tomorrow for the doc appt., if she should mention that she really has been craving, x, y and z from so and so restaurant .. I will tell her, as best I can explain it, that we can take care of that for her.. order it .. and have it brought to her. And leave out the small points .. that won't compute.
My brother's wife .. her aged mother .. (now deceased) but living alone .. and managing as best she could til the very end .. at 94 .. could manage to call restaurants and get delivery .. meet them at the door, with her walker she used .. and pay the driver and use said food .. for a couple of days to make meals out of one delivery.
MIL .. she can't navigate all that. It's too much for her. Too cumbersome.
I might even, if she wanted to have me walk her through how to do it, using a telephone .. when I'm there tomorrow, I might even sit through the process with her, .. and have her do it.
But my point in getting aggravated with it all, .. is that SIL runs this up DH's flagpole. Apparently she is concerned that MIL expresses the MOW's as being too bland and in turn, isn't eating well. And so SIL then becomes concerned, as MIL expresses to her, that she sure wishes she could get one of those good shrimp baskets from so and so restaurant .......... or one of those good burgers she likes so much from such and such restaurant.
Okay fine .. MIL is free to "want" to her heart's content. We all get a hankering for some special kinda something from time to time. I get that, completely. I don't fault MIL w/that. Where I do find fault .. is this. SIL then puts it on DH's radar ... in the context of, "Maybe I can call and see if I can order for her, delivery of .......".
So fine, .. thinking out loud are we, via text, .............. or are you trying to put this on his radar to address, and go out there and get MIL and take her to so and so restaurant, is that what you want done? Then say that! And let him tell you whether he will or won't .. because I can tell ya .. I live with the man .. "hints" ............. such as above . if that's what it was ........... are gonna be in one ear and out the other .. forgotten before the sentence is even complete. If you are worried about your mom not eating right and figure a solution is to maybe get her some of what she has a craving for .. via delivery. THEN DO IT ............... take care of it.
That's where I fall with it all. Now mind you .. she isn't to be faulted (SIL) with running this up my flagpole in a text to me .. directly to me .. or even in a group text to both DH and I. This was only sent to DH ........... not to me.
The only reason I even knew of it, was because he was disgusted w/her (he stays that way kinda .. as it seems texts from her .. always come with strings attached of what she wants addressed on this end .. and even worse .. with a hidden agenda of doing so .. not coming right out with whatever her point is, and it pizzes him off .. greatly).
The only reason I knew it, was because I was in the back putting away laundry .. and he was sounding off .. pizzed .. at the latest text from his sister.
I walked away saying, out loud "Uber eats .. they'll delivery anything you want", .. and I left the room, to him asking what I just said and I repeated it .. to which he then said, "I'm gonna text that to her right now".
Another interesting note on the above ... talking with DD.
On the above and what had transpired ...
And she said this:
"Interesting mom .. I had that very conversation with dad's sister on Friday .. before she was blowing up dad's phone with the same issue ... she had told me the same thing that she wishes MIL could get some home cooked meals .. some stuff she has a taste for from some of her favorite restaurants .. she told me that .. and I answered, .. *well.............I don't cook .. don't enjoy it .. so .... no home cooked meals coming from this direction, sorry .......... but .............. ya know .. Grubhub .. or Uber Eats ........ or (some other one she named) .. they deliver almost anything you want .. maybe you could order her some of what she wants*............... I told her all that, .. and then she goes blowing up dad's phone with the same chit ........".
Her conversation with SIL apparently Friday and then fast forward two days later, Sunday evening, the conversation wherein DH got so disgusted with his sister's secret agenda of her text .. with a not so subtle prompt as to a coveted shrimp basket or a burger.
So whatever, in the end.
Just furthers my point, how frustrating it is .. to deal with it all. SIL had been made aware (as if she lives under a rock and doesn't know that) ......... there are companies that deliver .. DD had suggested a few .. a few days prior .. and she not only doesn't see to it .. if it's such a concern .. she then .. turns within a few days and begins that same dialogue with DH ....... in a veiled attempt to prompt action.
Now .. granted . my frustration and anxiety with it all, .. I've got nobody to blame but myself .......... that's the truth. She didn't direct any of it to me .. not a bit of it. So .. go get all overwrought Dorker about something that doesn't even pertain to you .. what a case you are!!!!!!!!!! I wear it . own it .. and yep .. guilty as charged.
Wasn't my fish to fry to begin with, never was. Nor would it be. SIL I think at this point is pretty clear .. that I'm not to be the one she should reach out to, with these prompts of wants/whims, etc. Not gonna happen, and further .. if she did make that mistake, I'd probably let her know .. "remember we talked .. you and me, face to face about all this before you left here .. and my suggestion is that the supposed team you put together before you exited, .. maybe one of them would like to step up to the plate at this point, .. MIL completely capable of managing .. so I'm told, .. maybe you should bat the ball right back into her court, and suggest she engage one of these supposed team members that were put on the radar to address some of her wants/whims/needs".
She knows better, I think, at this point, than to run any of this up my flagpole.
To SIL's credit .. she has stopped texting me with want/whims, need .. period. I really don't get anything from her at all, .. not a "how's your day going", . nothing .. not a thing .. but that's okay . at least it's not the wants/whims/needs .. that it used to be. Not a bit. And I'm grateful.
The last thing that was a group text, was her informing DH of when our local municipality here will be holding their hazardous waste event . in case he should wish to partake .. not sure why she thought that'd be germaine to anything he needs to attend to .. I didn't ask. He never responded to that text .. nor did I, as I could care less as to any hazardous waste event. Not sure why she looped me into the text . unless it was maybe the thread of an older group text .. and she just shot out that info on that particular thread. I never responded either. But she hasn't been blowing up my phone with it all .. THANK THE HEAVENS ABOVE.
I do realize on some level that what SIL does .. she does it from a place that is to be respected and noted. She is trying to make her mom's life (in her choice to remain in her home) as nice as it can be .. I suppose .. would be her intent. Not wanting to force the mom to leave her home .. so be it. So she stays in her home ... and SIL returns to her home in IL. But .. SIL worrying with a driveway that needs pressure washing .. as to mold/mildew growing there under shade trees ......... (a driveway MIL doesn't even use .. sans someone there to walk with her, up and down the d/w and for the most part, even then is too weak to do). SIL worrying with her mother's sprinklers in her yard .. and directing DH from afar, as to what specific sprinkler is doing what wonky thing that he needs to address. SIL worrying that her mom isn't eating right and so maybe if we could get her what it is she wants to eat .. deliveries .. from restaurants .. maybe she'd eat. So do it then ....... why run it up the flagpole on this end. Or .. better yet ... MIL expresses that desire to you in one of your numerous daily phone calls, .. redirect her to some of that team that's supposedly put in place .. and/or have her request it herself .. of her son .. her g'kids .. whatever.
Just done with her being the mouthpiece to all the whim/want/need.
It only incenses me. And DH too, to an extent (lesser than it does me). But I have been known to *ruminate* too much .. and I plead guilty.
Yes .... the things that crop up on the radar .. the dog's ears .. DH can hear that request .. and boom it's gone .. him dismissing it with "ole dog needs to die, she can't take care of him anymore* as he rushes about to head out for his camping trip with the orphan boys ... it's forgotten as soon as it's said.
Me? The ruminater .......... "why is this even put on our radar at all ...........?!?!??!............doesn't she have a supposed team .. why isn't she asking one of them".
I am my own worst enemy as to the frustration I experience, and I know that.
The specialty dog food that she calls here .. she didn't care who answered the phone ... she calls here, on the landline .. to announce the vet has the special order dog food ready for pick up .. she didn't care if I answer or whoever .......... I happened to hand it to DH .. as I saw it was her calling and I do most times when she calls anymore (a complete 180 from what used to be the case). She told him ... the specialty dog food is in at the vet's office, and asked that if he has time .. no big rush .. can he pick it up for her ..
I know him .. it was forgotten as soon as it was said, and that's a fact.
As was said previously here by another poster ... DH has defined some boundaries of his own .. whether intentional or not .. who knows. He is johnny on the spot as Mr. Fixxit .............. but all the other minutia that goes on ........... you can tell him .. but it's gonna go in one ear and out the other.
So be it. His mom.
Why does that cause me any anxiety ............???............. I wish I knew.
The only explanation I can offer is that .... I know for a fact, .. minutia .. to him .. and most of it is . is forgotten as soon as it's said .. (that is the 1000% truth) ..... and so my feeling is .. why not put this on the radar of the supposed team .. it's better to do it that way .. more of a chance it'll actually get any action.
I do realize .. logically .. I can't/nor should I, "control" how the minutia is addressed, be that by DH or by the mailman or the garbage man or the "supposed team". Not mine to figure out and "control".
I got that .. I know that, logically.
So why it sends me into orbit when all this minutia runs up the flagpole here on this end .. (admittedly not directed to me to handle) .......... is anybody's guess.
MIL calling (yes, talking to DH, not to me) that she doesn't think her sprinklers are coming on at the scheduled 4 AM cycle .. and requesting he come there to see. He dispensed with that promptly .. as ... "no I'm not coming there at 4 AM mother .. I will look at it when I'm next there .. and run it thru it's cycle and check it, but I did that already when I was there, and set it to manual to check it and they were coming on .. you just don't know it because you're asleep at that hour".
No, .. he isn't gonna deal with all the other b's that gets handed down the pike .. and he's made that pretty darn clear.
It's been a nice couple of days here .. absent any drama from that front .. so thoroughly enjoyable.
MIL just called and I almost didn't answer the phone, simply because I never know if it's gonna be something that will send me into orbit .. but I did answer, DH not present. She only wanted to verify that I remember, to retrieve her tomorrow for her doc appt .. and I do .. and she asked since the doc appt is later in the day .. will that be a problem for me, since I'm usually gone from her house by early afternoon (she's right .. I usually get there about 9:30 or 10:00 and I leave about 2) .. told her no, that I realize it's a later in the day appointment and I will plan accordingly and just arrive later than I usually would .. she asked if I could grab some groceries for her, if she makes a list and I told her we'd do that on the way home .. she can sit in the car in the a/c and I'll run in for the few things she needs (she never needs a whole lot, it's just her there). She never mentioned (and I'm glad she didn't .. her mobility is so horrible .. it's gonna be all I can do to get her into the car .. and then outta the car at the doc office and then back into the car to go back home) .. she never mentioned, "gee, I've really so badly been wanting a shrimp basket from so and so restaurant .. do you think we could do that". I don't really want to do that, her mobility is just so horrible ..
She never asked. If she mentions it, as I said .. I will help walk her through .. on the telephone (since she doesn't use smartphones) .. how to achieve that .. and we'll get her a delivery .. and I'll even leave the phone number on the fridge for her, in case she should wanna do it again, when no one is there to assist.
She said her housekeeper did finally come today .. her normal .. *every other Wednesday* scheduled time to come. Said that there was a lot to do since she'd blown off coming the last time. I didn't really engage in all of that.
She complains that her legs are just so weak and growing weaker .. that her left knee gives out on her .. and when it does, she almost falls .. even with the use of the walker .. but it's not just that .. it's the weakness .. the neuropathy .. in both of her legs and that they are just .. it's all more than her legs can do it seems, to hold her up.
I asked her if she has some of the exercises that the PT folks gave her, that she can do from a seated position and she says she does .. she thinks .. that she needs to look it over, but that she just is so tired all the time .. ALL OF THE TIME .......... and it's almost more than she can do to even sit in a chair and do leg exercises.
At that, I only responded, "I'm sorry it's all such a struggle for you .. I'll plan on being there tomorrow .. and we'll go get your knee injections .. and stop and pick up a few groceries for you".
She said in response to that: "Well now .. these knee injections .. they aren't going to address this weakness in my legs .. that isn't what this is about . this is just the steroids that will help with the bone on bone knee pain".
I answered that I was aware of that .. and left it at that.
No I didn't go there, .. "well would you like to maybe make an appointment with your PCP to see if you can talk with them about this weakness in your legs .. or maybe your neurologist ....???....".
They will more than likely recommend PT .. which she has been to, time and time again .. and I don't dispute it would help her further if she'd go. Problem is .. how is she gonna get there. Well . yes .. then we're back to square one aren't we. She's not gonna use the local mass transit for folks with disability .. been there on that topic .. she's not gonna do it. She's not gonna use the GOGOGRANDPARENT (uber for older folks) .. been there, discussed it, .. she's not comfortable with that . .. riding with someone she doesn't know ..
No .. but she'd be all too fine with it, if Dorker would step up to the plate 2 and 3 x's weekly for a run to the PT for sessions there. Been there/done that. More .. of the same .. and the reason(s) for why I exited. She has far too many needs (sometimes wants/whims) .. and she shouldn't be living alone anymore, she can't manage to see to those needs.
Fine and good, I've got it, .. they aren't gonna change .. that's gonna be the order of the day .. she remains in her home .. got it. But that doesn't then mean that I have to step up and into the fray and address all the need that I have said time and time again . is far too great for her to be living alone.
So .. I don't go there .. she mentions the weakening legs (and I don't doubt it, not for a minute) .. I see her when I go .. she definitely is getting more and more ailing and feeble .. not a doubt in my mind. But .. this is where she wants to be .. in her own home .. and so be it. But all that it takes to manage that ............. she needs to be willing to address in the manner in which is available to her, .. or .. maybe it just doesn't get seen to.
So that's about how it goes right now. I'll go tomorrow and do my due with it all .. and then we'll see where the next issue comes from.
Edited: In case anyone asks as to home PT services. She did that, .. after that fall at xmas .. when she was so injured. PT coming there to her home, for months. It was probably the last month that SIL was in attendance on site .. and it was said .. by PT ..??...by SIL...???...not sure .. that she has really run the gamut of what can be done at home .. as to PT visits .. that she needs to go to the site . there they have the equipment, etc. So SIL began that route with her, and I think the last few weeks SIL was here, they were going 3 x's weekly to the PT site. That's when SIL did make some noise about wishing she could continue with that on site PT .. but that she wouldn't be there to get her to it .. and I suggested GOGOGRANDPARENT and/or the local mass transit .. for folks with disabilities and both of those shot down .. and so .. there ya have it .. in case anyone wants to mention PT services at home.
Perhaps they would be better than nothing .. to have PT folks come by the house there .. I don't know. But if that's what she wants to do, she can simply phone her PCP and ask how to get that process in motion.
I'm not saying this unkindly; I hope that you get that. But your level of anxiety, rumination about, attention to and repetition of details is concerning as being something that needs to be addressed, either via meds or therapy or both.
I'm NOT (OMG NOT) saying that YOU are the problem here. But your reaction to this situation is causing you undue distress and you deserve relief.
I’m sure she is weak from just not doing anything. But, at her age I’m afraid the CHF, not taking her Lasix, and that vicious circle may be a big part of the problem.
But nothing you can do about that either.
It's a part of aging, the loss of appetite. My FIL had a terrific appetite until his last six months. He even had less appetite for his favorite pot roast dinner (which we could count on being eaten with gusto).
"Oh mother, I heard you aren't eating MOW!" yields *not* the response, "I'm ready to go and I'm going to starve myself to get there faster, I'm really not hungry after not eating for 3 days," which is socially unacceptable in her neck of the woods, but rather yields the acceptable response, "food's not too great," believable and acceptable. Mom's not trying to be difficult, just talkative, which is why Dorker & DH don't hear anything like that - they don't beg for attention 3x day. Maybe MIL's finally run out of things to talk about which would explain her harping on the past during DH's visits.
Yes, I'm saying that *everything* sister calls about is ignorable. DH is right to ignore. The request for junk food is just MIL blowing air across her vocal cords. Meaningless noise. Ignore SIL. If it doesn't come straight from MIL, it's conversational dust bunnies.
I still think it's worth going back with her to the Ortho to ask: how long will this therapy be needed, is there a way to receive these shots at her house since she has to get assistance to get here and lives by herself, is there a way to receive this treatment on palliative care? Hospice? Good questions that she may not have thought to ask!
And I do think that's very much the case, in the 2 and 3 x's a day that SIL calls upon MIL for well being checks. In fact, I've described before .. how being caught in the middle of all that saga is so trying to one's patience.
In discussion with MIL .. prior .. more so the case when I was mired in all this knee deep. She would get wind that SIL has passed along some want/whim/need .. as a request .. from afar. And MIL would then lament .. "I wish SIL would leave you guys alone". You would then ask, .. "well why do you tell her if you don't want her to then phone us up with whatever the need is". MIL would then explain that SIL calls her 2 and 3 x's daily to check on her .. she'd go into explaining that she has very little to talk about in these 2 and 3 x's daily that SIL calls. She doesn't go to museums, art shows, .. concerts .. she doesn't get out and about to any neat little lunch place that she wants to talk about .. .so little to make conversation about. She'd go on to describe that she would just merely mention something to the tune of "... I hate it that I can't get out and do x, y and z". And boom, there ya have it .. it would circle back in this direction in the form of a text/prompt to jump to action.
So, indeed .. these requests from SIL .. nothing more than conversational dust bunnies.
This latest that came to DH's phone ... via prompt from SIL (veiled attempt), getting DH to hop to, cart MIL off to the shrimp basket or burger joint. One would presume that MIL is completely capable of comprehending that she has a son that lives here in town .. she has g'kids that live here in town .. she also has a "supposed" team of others that have been brought to the forefront in agreement to help (supposedly).
If MIL is desirous of some other tasty morsels besides the MOW's that she's grown weary of ... one would presume that request could be made directly via her.
In fact, when DD and myself were there last Thursday for my weekly visit wherein DD answered the MOW delivery and then put it away in the fridge, noticing and remarking on the 3 unopened/uneaten MOW's, MIL might've taken that opportunity to say out loud, "ya know, .. I'm just weary of those MOW's they're so bland. Sure wish that I had some way to get a shrimp basket from so and so, or those burgers .. from that place I like so much". But she didn't. She never said that. The only response she gave DD, at DD chiding her for not eating .. "I just don't have much of an appetite these days".
That was Thursday of last week. Then, fast forward to the next day which would've been Friday .. this is when there was text convo between DD and SIL .. and SIL then (I would guess) maybe seeing if she can prompt some action on the front with DD, as to answering to burger/shrimp basket need, or home cooked meal. DD responding to SIL that she doesn't really cook (not somethings he enjoys . so no home cooked meals are gonna be forthcoming from her corner) .. but that as to the other end of things .. there are companies that deliver for those kinds of things, and naming those for SIL.
The very next day ..
At this point, I almost wish I wasn't out of the loop, at least on that tiny little issue. Had it come my way .. via veiled prompt .. I would've let SIL know .. "she has a team that has been assigned .. maybe she can speak with one of them .. or she knows we live here, she wants us to help, all she has to do is ask .. we'll try to figure something out".
In fact, .. I used to say that to SIL .. getting so frustrated with having just been with MIL for two days prior in service to whatever the issues were, only to then get a text that ___________ and ________ was now an issue and could I step up. I'd get so confounded with it ..... I was just with her, and she didn't even mention that. SIL would explain it that she doesn't want to "ask" us ... she knows how busy we are. Oh okay, but you don't care how busy we all are .. you'll go ahead and throw it out there for me to step to . and get that whim met also.
Conversational dust bunnies, apt description.
I think it's very telling (if not confounding) .... apparently this is something SIL is concerned about . that her mother is known to be not eating well at this point, weary of the MOW's and how bland they are. So she tries to spur some action on DD's behalf and gets nowhere, other than being told of delivery companies that will expedite said requests.
Apparently that wasn't what she wanted, when she two days later .. sent .. essentially the same (veiled) request in DH's corner ............. to hopefully spur some action.
I get it .. if it were my mom, and I'm 1K miles away and trying to keep my finger on the pie of all things well being with regard to my mom .. and her comfort level .... I might would be concerned also. I get what's at the root of it.
What I don't get is why the attempts at prompting action from others.
Why not bounce the ball right back into MIL's "supposedly" capable (can manage) hands .. and ask that she reach out to one of the "team" that has been assigned to speak to her needs.
Why not bounce the ball right back at MIL, . "that sounds like something you should maybe talk with H about . maybe he can come get you at some point for an outing", and then leave it at that.
Instead it's like she tries to pull the marionette strings on the parties that are here locally .. to direct action.
It's just interesting to me . to ponder it all. There was a time, there's not a doubt in my mind that directive would've landed on my mobile device .. along with a myriad of others .. and I'd of been adjusting my schedule and my want for what my day should entail ... to accommodate said request(s). As things stand presently, Dorker absent the scene .. sans the one day I go there ... the request(s) .. if you direct it to DD .. depending on what it is .. not likely she can speak to answering that call .. she's busy .. if you direct it to DH .. also not likely he will be stepping to it .. he .. who considers most things outside of the Mr. Fixxit role .. to be superfluous minutia and forgotten as soon as it's mentioned.
There are means by which to accomplish this latest concern .. means that don't necessarily include trying to prompt DH or DD into service. So .. either direct the ball back into MIL's court .. or .. handle it yourself. Pretty simple really.
Anyhoo.
I will go there later to pick up MIL to take her to ortho doc for steroid injections in both knees and great point. I will discuss this point, .. anyway to achieve getting these shots in her own home .. maybe if she's signed on for Palliative care.
I did mention, to the director of this show, at one point .. that maybe Palliative care should be considered for MIL . since it's really not any point at this point in any curative care ... more maintenance of chronic health conditions and it's such a struggle for her to get out and see to that.
I don't know whether SIL ever presented that to MIL .. as an option. I will ask MIL before I approach the ortho staff if she's ever considered that option .. and explain the little I know of it.
She sounds .... to me ... to be the perfect candidate to opt for that kinda plan going forward. It's too much of a struggle for her to get out and about to see to her many ailments. Her mobility so very compromised.
In fact, .. how I wish .. that she'd let us use a wheelchair .. just for the purpose of moving her from point A to B in the context of getting her out to her car in the garage .. and into it .. and then from the car into the doc office ... and back out of the doc office and into the car .. and so forth. She won't. She would rather be taken to the b'yard and shot than sit in a wheelchair for any reason.
I did ask MIL briefly (but she who gets so addled, .. it's almost like she defers to SIL .. knowing she really isn't capable of making decisions on her own .. and then laments that SIL wants to run her life). I did ask her .. having been sent a link by someone here .. on this board .. as to a group that does home visits (PCP). Would she like to switch to that as her PCP .. and that in fact, most tests can be done at home .. lab work, etc .. were she under the care of said group.
She didn't answer and hedged and himmed and hawed, etc etc. I will revisit that issue again when I go to get her today. Not that they can speak to any knee injections, this is a PCP group that does home visits .. they wouldn't be doing knee injections but maybe if she's signed up for that kinda thing .. who knows .. maybe there is a means that can occur .. the knee injection can come to her, in her home .. I dunno.
When I mentioned the home visiting PCP group that MIL could sign up for, ..mentioned that to the captain of this ship .. she then countered with having located a PCP that is closer .. through a different hospital affiliation than what MIL is signed on for presently ... and that this group .. is closer geographically than is her present PCP group.
That doesn't answer the question .....
She still would have to 'get out' and about to go see PCP. Just wouldn't be as far. In the end, that is a non issue because MIL isn't the one that transports herself to said visits .. it's whoever she can enlist to help .. doesn't matter if her PCP is two hours away .. or 20 mins away .. it still entails leaving her house ...... that's the point.
Makes a LOT more sense to me, for her to sign on for a group that will come to her .. to her house.
Seems there was some noise (understandably so) as to who are these doctors .. do we know anyone that uses them .. are they personable, good bedside manner, .. professional .. are they foreigners with such heavy accents that they can't be understood when they speak (I struggle with that myself, so I understand that concern .. I have problems understanding heavy accented people, and have to repeatedly ask they re-state what they said). So it seems that too was a concern in speaking about trying to change PCP's and go with a group that will visit her home .. rather than her having to get out and about.
Not sure how to even ascertain whether or not these are folks that she'd be able to understand and work with, unless you try it and don't like it.
To summarize: Your MIL belongs in assisted living but she has been able to avoid it because the family has tried to meet her needs while she still lives at home. Your strategy to get her into assisted living has been to withdraw, bit by bit, the non-essential elements of your support ("to set boundaries") so that she will ultimately realize on her own that she needs to move to assisted living.
That's a lot to expect of an elderly lady who loves her home and her dog and who, until recently, has been able to keep her self respect by pretending to herself that she was taking care of herself.
My impression, for what it's worth, is that the family needs to refocus on a new strategy of making it easier for her to consider assisted living soon, not later. Remove obstacles.
Have a plan for Poochie. Don't laugh: that's important to her. He's an old dog; he won't be around forever. Can't someone in the family step up and adopt him? None of this is his fault. (How old is he and what breed?)
Insist on her visiting several assisted living facilities and seeing what they have to offer. Yes, you would have to get involved and spend time doing this, but the time would be an investment in everyone's future peace of mind.
Do some preliminary research on the value of her home, so that she can see that she has resources to pay for assisted living. You don't have to do a lot. Just spend an hour on Zillow, Trulia, etc. and get estimates of the value of her home and other homes in her neighborhood.
Make the option of assisted living part of on-going conversations with her. Don't play hardball with it, just talk about "if you ever decide you'd be more comfortable in a senior living situation..."
And so on. But in summary, my impression is that it's time to refocus your energy on accelerating the obvious solution. (I know, easier said than done.)
Good luck to you. And to her and even Poochie.
The topic of assisted living ....
SIL has made noise that the "plan" if there is to be any plan .. she will be taking MIL .. to her home in IL .. six month stints and then they will all do six month stints here in MIL's home .. this will be the "plan" going forward, so it's said .. but that was to have commenced before now .. and has yet to come to fruition ..
SIL has said of the above, that she realizes .. and has even talked to MIL along those lines .. should MIL become such that she isn't able to care for her any longer, an AL will be the order of biz.
BUT ...
SIL wishes that when that day comes .. that AL be one closer to her .. in IL. SIL wants to keep her finger on the pulse of the goings on .. in her mom's world .. (understandable) and being in an AL here in FL .. that would entail SIL travel back and forth to do that .. and she'd prefer that MIL (when/if) that day comes .. be in an AL in IL .. and so SIL can help her .. and be a part of her life .. without having to travel to do it.
So .. the real-time, on the ground investigation as to AL here and so forth .. no point.
As to the other business matter of how that's gonna occur .. MIL isn't a resident of the state of IL .. she is a resident of the state of FL. MIL has a reverse mortgage on her home .. is there any value over and above what's owed to the bank .. don't know. If there is .. it wouldn't be much.
She has no other resources from which to tap into .. to secure funding for an AL.
She's going to be Medicaid when that day comes .. and thus far, there is no action to get that ball rolling .. and .. the questions to be answered, "gee .. how do we qualify for Medicaid in the state of IL .. she's not a resident in that state".
And .. no I don't think MIL needs to live alone .. and she needs more help. Whether that comes in the form of her being housed and cared for by her daughter .. or by residing in an AL is immaterial to me.
Thus far, .. as you describe .. she's been able to maintain the dignity of a charade that she manages and stay in her home and not have to uproot.
I didn't pull my support for that reason .. so that it would force the hand of all involved and watch her go land in AL ..
I pulled my support because I was, for all practical purposes, running a mobile AL .. in all it took to support what it takes to prop up this charade. And I was doing it, ... far too long, solely on my own .. no help (she refused outsiders to help for a long time) .. sans when SIL would fly into town for her .. (at that time) two or three week stints of staying here and walking on water to manage it all .. and this was done generally 3 or 4 x's a year.
My motivation in backing out of that support role was mostly a function of "I can't keep doing this". Not one born out of a "well I step away and watch what happens, they'll HAVE TO GO FIND AN AL to stick her in".
I knew that wouldn't be the case... this woman who absolutely staunchly refuses that kinda residential setting, has never even entertained a notion that would be something agreeable to her .. quite the opposite.
1. MIL doesn't want to go to AL. She doesn't want to be one of many residents and "in-line" for close-by assistance that she pays for. Her passion to stay in her home didn't trump your house in hurricane season, but her grumpiness occurred when YOU weren't in attendance for all needs MIL when she was there.
2. MIL wants 1:1 assistance in her home (or wherever she is physically staying), when she wants it, with a dedicated servant on her schedule and available at whim. Not what AL is designed to provide without lots of additional aide hours YOU PAY FOR. HHC was set up at MIL home before SIL left and then declined by SIL due to cost. MIL living at her home with "some support for independent living" is the dysfunctional fantasy with lack of reality thinking that MIL, SIL, and DH (and to some extent your children) live in. You, Dorker, have been the fixer in the family and kept the fantasy going other than the 3-4 times per year, SIL has been willing to foster that fantasy. When she is not in FL, SIL has prompted you and your family to provide that level of care. Out of love, you tried to help. You ran out of "good".
3. The housekeeper was not there on her assigned day. When she did check in with MIL, housekeeper apologized and was available 2 days later. MIL didn't want her then, and MIL and SIL were trying to get you to do housekeeper work undone rather than give up her snit for the two weeks that MIL SET UP. I notice that no one asked the granddaughters to mop, sweep, or swab toilets:)))
4. MOW is designed to follow diet plans with medically fragile persons. If MIL is on lasix, she is probably getting low sodium meals to prevent water retention from CHF. My husband is on low sodium for high blood pressure. The taste IS bland, but the water retention is worse. Fried foods and shellfish are the worst per my hubs doctor and will just make you sicker long term. Death by kidney failure is NOT easy cloud departure....
5. MIL ate just fine most of the time during SIL's visit - when someone bought prep, fixed meal, served her portions, and cleaned up after. MIL has eaten when you or family brought her a plate or sandwich over. The lack of appetite is related to the effort involved to plan, prepare, serve and clean up. I understand - I feel the same way after working 10 hour days and I'm not heart patient! And with lack of physical activity, your body requires less in calories. However, what a great attention getter! The slowly declining MIL *cough, cough, stare into sky* starving alone..whose clothes YOU wash still fit...
6. You, Dorker, our cyber friend and confidant, are a person that seeks to control their environment. So do I. The biggest concern I finally admitted to my husband watching his reaction to his parents' needs, his aunt's needs, his grandparents' needs, our son's needs? My husband will do the task in front of him and doesn't want to plan for the next series - he plans at work all day and in his mind, I'M in charge of the rest. If something happens to me, I am TERRIFIED about what will happen because my DH has not a clue. Doesn't want a clue. Doesn't plan to obtain a clue. Not a bad man, but a very focused one. His family trained him that someone else would pick up the slack - his parents had his grandmother and her pots of money, and no one in his immediate family ever cared at home for someone. His Aunt cared for grandparents and parents of my MIL before nursing home and coordinated care. FIL's mother had pots of money and paid for LTC with small help from FIL sister and her other grandkids. FIL's father and third wife had help from wife's grandkids. Weird, I finally relaxed when I told my husband that if something happened to me, use the lawyer his parents used to do spousal impoverishment and admit me to a Medicaid facility. I've watched him totally uninvolved in parent care and refuse to get involved. He is emotionally supportive to me, but doesn't track things for anyone other than himself well. Parents do set up patterns in their children. Your MIL found folks to fill in the gaps. Your husband has had you fill in the gap. SIL had you fill in the gap. You finally woke up and realized that the gap that YOU had is going unfilled. I think the frustration is realizing, as I DID, that ultimately when the care is needed for YOU, that you will be alone. I made my peace with that with DNR, POA, son being set up in college and with state assistance for autism, and the majority of assets not in my name. Anger comes from frustration, 100% of the time. When I let go of the idea that my husband could change his programming that I helped maintain by being a fixer, and that I was the only person that would long term plan, I got much less angry. Of course, I'm less popular with his family because I'm m u c h less available now that I'm in charge of me!!
You can *try* to set up an acct with Ubereats or some other food delivery system, but I can guarantee MIL won't be able to navigate it. My mother can't even use her cell phone, much less make a cognizant phone call on it.
MIL wants somebody else to do it for her. Or better yet, bring her the food of her wishes, hot and hand delivered and paid for by you.
SIL could set this up from IL, calling all necessary parties. It'd take 10 minutes.
BUT---eating a shrimp basket or a burger once a week or so isn't going to slow the quickly deteriorating body she's living in. Her knees are giving out when she walks? This is going to result in a fall, sooner rather than later. Neuropathy? Not doing her PT? All this non-compliance is going to catch up to her, very soon.
Why does she even bother with the steroid shots? Just for a chance to get out?
And she KNOWS she supposed to do PT. Duh. My mother quit hers the day her in home PT guy left every single time she had PT. There's no need to see a Dr who would no doubt tell her that she should be doing some kind of PT each day.
I'm going to admit that I, too, was a "fixer". Mother would fuss about something she wanted or needed, I'd mover heaven and hell to get that for her and did she care? No! it was always just mindless chatter.
Please do print out some of your posts and share them with your therapist. I have learned from mine that there is NO POINT is hashing out the "what ifs" all the time. Be prepared to call 911 should the case present itself, do your one day a week caregiving and let the rest GO.
Her comment as to my tendency to "worry wart" through life was that about 90% of what we worry about never happens.
Your MIL has chosen this life. And she chooses it over and over again every day. Despite having a great support system all these years, all she's done is become more and more selfish. Yes, she's exhausted. Because her body is dying. That's the truth, and if she truly wanted that...which I know she doesn't....she'd completely quit eating and allow Hospice or palliative care in.
She's definitely not going to go gentle into that good night.
YOU need a break Dorker. Even with the scaled back hours--you're still obsessing. (this is not judgmental--it's from concern).
I just thought, "OH LORD Deliver me!". I don't consider her a viable candidate for that procedure .. but admittedly I am not a medical professional, what do I know. They talked about that whole process and the rehab and I sat there .. listening .. thinking "what a colossal waste of time". But whatever.
The steroid injections she gets every 10 weeks, they do seem to (somewhat) alleviate the discomfort from two knees that have no cartilage left. Asked the doc about the fact the left knee gives way on her. He pulled up the xray and showed, there is absolutely nothing there, it's bone on bone and talked of how that grinding causes the joint to give way .. at times. Perfect indication, it's well past time for TKR .. at least on that left knee for certain.
I'm not a medical professional so I said very little. I can think whatever I wish . but .. if they were to say she's a "go" .. I'd have to defer .. I'm not someone to be making that decision. I doubt she'd stay well enough to even do the prelim .. to get to any surgical procedure.
The edema in her lower extremeties .. severe. Asked her .. she didn't take her Lasix on purpose today (so I'm told) because she knew we'd be out and about to get to doc office and the results of taking Lasix .. she would of had a mess .. routinely. I asked her, "it gets that bad after just missing one day?". She said "yes". I have no way of knowing if she isn't taking it routinely. I'd bet she isn't . but I don't stay there, to administer the meds to really know for sure.
I did take her, while we were in that area, to a neat little restaurant she so adores .. for some seafood .. and she was happy/happy/happy. Did this because I WAS STARVING .......... I didn't plan real well. I'm not a breakfast eater, ever .. and usually if I eat lunch it's a late one .. maybe early afternoon .. and so by the time this appt was seen to, 2:00 PM .. I was about to starve.
She ate every morsel in front of her, .. scraped the plate .. (a lot of food, for her) .. and 1/4 of my hamburger that I couldn't finish.
So she can eat .. she does have an appetite.
Finished w/the doc visit/steroid shots. Went down the corner for some lunch (this day wore her absolutely to a nub) .. then ran by a small errand I needed to accomplish for myself on the way back into town .. and then to the bank (she needed more cash on hand .. for just in case) .. and thru the ATM to get her some cash to have on hand .. and then to the grocery for me to hop in and pick up a few things for her there, and then back to her house .. where she went straight to bed. I put away her groceries and saw myself out.
That encompasses today's visit.
I did ask her about "Palliative care". She didn't seem to have any understanding of what it is and asked. I told her .. as a means of explaining . "well ya know, . there's hospice of course .. that's for folks that are terminally ill .. in some way .. well Palliative care, it's kinda a rung below that, not terminal but chronically ill, house-bound .. wouldn't you like to explore the Palliative care so that you don't have to get out and about to get to doc visits .. they can come to you .. if you're signed on for that".
Answer given: "I think maybe Hospice fits the bill more".
I dropped the subject, we had to get going.
On the way there, I mentioned it again ..
It was like I wasn't talking, there was no interaction on the topic at this point, no response.
I asked the PA at the doc's office if he's heard of that, do they perform injections in the home for this kinda thing, for those under Palliative care. He said they do not .. but that he's sure it's done . he just doesn't readily know where to turn to recommend that, but that she can explore Palliative care if she'd like with her PCP.
That pretty much finished any dialogue on that topic.
I asked her again on the way home, .. if she'd like to consider that .. and she didn't answer, she changed the subject. I dropped it.
That just about sums of the entirety of the Thursday visit this week.
Not a worry to me.
My dad is about 250# with CHF, he is active but he can not take lasiks daily because of renal disease, he does not get bad edema overnight, so I would guess she is not taking it daily.
God bless you for all you do and put up with. I'm glad that you don't sound so angry, I have been so worried about you.
Had an interesting text from SIL today, to me.
SIL: "What are you guys doing for Mother's Day?".
((Now she very well could've been asking just a benign question with no attempt at any prompt. But that's not how it falls/perceives on this end. To me, it seems a veiled attempt to fish and find out who is doing what/if anything with regard to her mom, to mark Mother's Day)))
Rather than answering to what I suspect might of been a veiled attempt at prompt here .. or fishing expedition .. I answered the question asked.
Me: "the girls have a lunch and a pedicure planned .. going to enjoy them".
And left it at that. Asked what she's doing for her Mother's Day, she answered it and that was that.
If she was "fishing" for what will be done for her mom .. she needs to direct that to her brother. Maybe the fact she got no answer on her possible fishing expedition .. will prompt that she do just that ......... talk to her brother to answer any questions she might have on that topic.
As it should be.
I do know that DH plans to get with his mom and possibly (if she's able to do so) take her out to lunch, wants me to go .. if I'm willing.
But since that isn't what was asked .. and it's really none of my biz .. I didn't offer that info.
Felt good to reach out and take a little grasp of "control" of what my engagement is or isn't in any of it, and responses to possible prompt/fishing expeditions.