I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
I would be very tempted to bring hospice consultant on board. She may be there Dorker, some of the things you've told us, she is possibly close to the end, months not weeks close.
I would be ornery with my SIL, if she treated me like yours does, I'd be sending a text, you better get down here, she's talking hospice and you know you are the only one that can take care of her properly.
Aarrgghh, I want to call her out with all her passive/aggressive control B'S and she's not even doing it to me.
Keep up the good boundaries and getting rid of the anger.
Good God, Dorker would probably be accused of trying to kill MIL off.
Maybe get pamphlets on Palliative Care & mail them to SIL & give one to DH.
No, I wouldn’t go there. Let her kids make that determination. Which of course we know this won’t happen.
Keep your Thursday visits and your boundaries, Dorker. You are doing fine.
The only thing the “H” word will do is make this family of emotional cripples accuse Dorker of being Kevorkian.
Don’t go there.
During my caregiving years with my mother:
I would make an action or suggestion that was practical, and the Greek Chorus would respond with emotional.
Every damm time.
Including Mom.
Guaranteed 100% return rate.
Dorker, MIL and her band of misfits want magic. Plain and simple. Not a one of them will admit that. Ever. But that’s what’s going on here.
And you’re not a magician.
Stick to your Thursday mornings and disengage from the rest.
First off, her appt .. it was set for 1:45 PM. It's location .. way on the other side of town. On a good day, no traffic issues, it would take 30 minutes to go from MIL's house to this doc office.
When she called me the day before to ask if I remembered, that I'm to get her for said doc appt, and I confirmed that I do remember, told her that I'd be there about noon.
So, .. yesterday I arrive at her house, right on the dot ..noon. Generally one would enter her house via the garage. She has a keypad on the outside of the garage and one punches in the code, and the garage door lifts. UNLESS (and it's a continual problem) she hasn't clicked the "unlock" feature for the day. Keeps the garage on lock-down.
I got there, right at noon, punched in the code, and nothing. Indication the garage is lock down mode. Tried it again, in case maybe I didn't punch in the right #'s .. nope. Nothing. So .. pick up my cell out of my purse to call her. Phone rings and rings and rings and rings.
Finally she picks up the phone, "Hi MIL", to which she interrupts .. "don't come yet, I'm not ready".
"MIL I'm here, I'm standing out at your garage and can't get in, you have it on lockdown".
MIL: Well why are you here so soon, isn't my appointment at 1 something?
ME: "Yes, .. it's at 1:45 ... "
MIL: "oh well you're here, .. well I'm in the back of the house, it'll take me a few minutes to make it to the other end of the house to unlock the garage for you".
Me: "Is your house alarm on?, .. if not, I have a front door key .. I'll just use that, have you disarmed the house for the day, I don't wanna set off your alarm by opening a door".
MIL: "It'll take me a minute .. I'll have to get all the way from the back of the house, out to he garage to unlock it for you".
Me: "MIL have you let the dog out for the day".
(trying to ascertain .. if she's done that, then chances are the house alarm isn't' armed and I can use the key, rather than wait for her to get all the way to the garage, from the back of the house, i'll just use my front door key .. but if she has the alarm on .. that'll trigger it, opening a door, so I just need an answer to that simple question)
MIL: (doesn't answer above question only repeats former statement) ... "well it'll take me a few minutes here, to get from the back of the house, you know I can't move fast .. I'll have to come to the garage from the back of the house, so I can unlock it for you".
Me: "No, ... just answer .. is your house alarm on .. have you let the dog out for the day .. if you did, then you disarmed your house alarm .. and I'll just use my key and you won't have to come to the garage to let me in .. I'll just come on in .. did you let the dog out already for the day ... did you disarm the house".
MIL: "Well yes, M is right here (referring to her dog). I let him out earlier this morning" (still doesn't answer the question being asked)
Me: "okay then you turned off your house alarm when you did that, don't worry about going to the garage to let me in, I have a front door key .. I'll just let myself in".
Now she gets it finally. "Oh okay you have a key, yes .. just go ahead and come on in, I'm the back getting ready".
Sheesh Louise.
How much easier all that would've gone had she just unlocked the garage at the point she disarmed the house, to let the dog out earlier in the morning .. knowledgeable that I'd be on my way to get her later, for the doc appt she called to remind me of.
Typical of dealing with an elderly and only folks here can understand just how confounding it is.
Just answer a simple question, "is your house alarm on". No. There .. that's what I need, see ya in a second, I'll come in the front door. HOLY MOLY!!!!!!!!!!!!
So now I go let myself in via the front door .. and she is making her way to the back .. not sure where she was when I called and all this dialogue that she'd have to come from the back of the house .. but whatever. Says to me, "I'm going back here to get ready .. just make yourself at home".
Okay MIL, .. anything you need me to do while you get ready?". Answer, no .. I'll just get dressed here, and I'll be ready to go in a little bit.
Now why would I get there a whole .. approximately 2 hours in advance of what time the appt is set for?
Again, only the folks who've dealt with the elderly can see that.
First off, it's a good 30 minutes away .. where we need to go .. barring any calamities along the way with traffic tie ups which could make it even longer to get there. Parking is a bit of a problem once there, so plan accordingly. But not only that .... MIL .. I know .. just in dealing with her .. arrive there 0 on the dot in time to get her, and fly out the door. You're asking for trouble. She won't be ready .. and she .. just by virtue of her age and ailments is slow slow slow ......... but she also doesn't manage time real well, no real concept for "WE GOTTA GO...................!!!!!!!!!!!!!............HAVE YOU LOOKED AT WHAT TIME IT IS".
So you arrive in plenty of time, in case you need to keep prodding her along .. to keep making forward progress to getting ready and making forward motion to the end goal.
She did come back out having now gotten dressed for the day ... standing there holding onto her walker, and absolutely spent ........ just that alone had done her in .. (she doesn't get dressed most days and getting dressed .. for her .. is an activity that wears her out). Standing there .. as I sat in the den, for a moment kinda paging thru a magazine waiting for her. Her standing there, holding onto the walker, hesitating .. stopping to rest ....
She said, "I tell ya .. it's just more than I can do anymore to get dressed ......". I responded, "I hate that for you". She said: "If I can just get from here to my kitchen table to sit down for a few minutes to rest".
(See, .. I knew that it's not just a linear process with her .. been there/done that .. it takes her a lot more time to get ready and part of that is prodding her along generally .. but also part of that is the fact she has to stop and rest).
So fine, plenty of time to do that still. She made her way to her perch at the kitchen table and plopped into her chair and with a big PHEW .. of someone who had just ran the north 40 at full speed .. she said, "I'm just so tired". I said, "well that's good, just sit there and rest for a minute .. we have time".
That's when she showed me her trembling hands ... "my hands are just so shaky". I asked if she's eaten anything. No she said she hadn't. I said, "here, .. have a banana real quick and a small glass of OJ .. go ahead and see if you can work on that before we go". She did .. ate that .. and drank most of the OJ.
That was when I sat at the kitchen table with her momentarily and brought up .. the Palliative care thing and she asked what that is, I explained briefly and she responded, "I think Hospice is more the point". I dropped it. We had to get going.
So now it was time to get her on out into the car .. and so we did that. That too, a whole big process.
Talked about her dog as we made our way to the car, .. dog is going deaf .. laying right in our way as we make our way with walker and so forth .. and the dog being summoned to move and doesn't hear us.
Get her out into the car and off we go. It was on the way .. to the doc office that I mentioned about Palliative care .. and that was the point that got no response at all, might as well have been talking to a wall. I dropped it.
Talked of other topics, her aging sister and her problems, aging brother in law and his problems, etc.
Did our thing at the doc office, and then of course the other little stops .. lunch and an errand for me, that I circled around to do ..and then a run thru the ATM .. to get her some cash to have on hand (something she seemed to think she needs .. and that's understandable .. maybe someone invites her to lunch or maybe .. the neighbor offers to get something from the store for her .. whatever, no big deal) .. and then on to the grocery store for the 8 or 9 items she had on a list to be retrieved from the store .. and she waited in the car in the a/c while I ran into the store. Then home to her house, .. and she went straight to bed, .. didn't pass go .. just got right straight to her bed, sat on the edge and began coming out of her shoes .. and got her feet up on the bed and complained of how tired she is (I'm sure she was, that was far more activity than she has seen in a month, much less one single day).
I went and put her few groceries away and then saw myself out.
Again, this next part, you just have to laugh at how ............. I don't even know how to term it ........ it's just ..... if you ever needed any reminder there's a good damn reason you aren't mired in all this anymore, .. here it is ..
Talking with DH last night, mentioned to him that I'd tried to talk with MIL some about Palliative care. He too, no real clarity on what that is .. so I explained briefly .. here's his response:
"Oh so ..this shut in that never gets out .. now REALLY has no reason at all to get out and go anywhere, that wouldn't be good for her .. she needs the exercise, the activity .. ".
SIGH
Whatever ......... *ok buddy .. you, who are so concerned, that your mom is a virtual shut in that you are there weekly if not more, to get her out and about and moving .. whatever*.
No, I didn't say that, what would be the point.
Whatever!
IMO ............... Palliative care is just what she needs .. and in home visiting physicians and maybe even in home PT .. (yes, the facility/site would be a better option but since she won't avail herself of the means to get there .. which don't include Dorker doing it for her .. that's not likely to occur) ....... IMO .. she would benefit from that kinda set up. But my opinion doesn't matter . .......... and that's been abundantly clear to me.
Thus, I go and I do what I can on my set aside time frame ..and, as I said .. just have to laugh .. a disgusted .. whatever ........ let the rest of it go.
I had only mentioned it to DH .. maybe in the hopes that him, hearing of this kinda set up would also be on board to push that agenda.
Not to be.
So be it.
***and on another note as to yesterday .. I will need to be on guard more .....as to this issue. I know that I've heard DH fussing at his mom on the phone, anytime she even utters a word about driving herself to some need or want .. he fusses at her that he does NOT want her driving .. and he has good reason to do so. She talks of the worsening neuropathy in her feet/legs. She noted yesterday .. (this is not new, this is me .. it's who I am) .. that I drive barefoot ... thank goodness I live in FL .. and wearing shoes is never an issue .... I just kick off my flip flop on that foot and I always drive barefoot .. always have .. and that's a given .. she noted that yesterday that my bare foot was used for the gas/brake pedal. Said out loud, "I need to do that, maybe with my neuropathy in my feet and legs . maybe if I drive barefoot . maybe I could feel the gas pedal better .. maybe I'll try that .. would you be willing to .. when we get back, I'll slip my shoe off and let me drive a little in the neighborhood .. and see if that helps".
I need to be better on guard with that kinda thing. I only answered (and my motivation, at least in that moment when the iron was striking .. was to avoid conflict and argument .. "We'll see, you're usually pretty wiped out just in doing this kinda thing" .. just didn't wanna argue).
Given the opportunity again, I think my answer will lie somewhere in, "that sounds like a great thing for you and H to work on .. you know, he raises a ruckus when you mention driving .. might wanna have him work on that with you, if he's okay with it,.. then fine".
I'm quite sure that will be met with (because of her fierce want for her own independence) "I don't care what H says about it .. he doesn't have to like it".
I will just respond, .. "Well he's your son .. I know he doesn't want you driving .. and so you okay that with him .. not gonna undo what he wants".
And then NOT do that. I don't have any interest in letting her drive either, so for me to have not flat out refused that as a proposition .. isn't good. Need to be more on guard for those kind of landmines.
And as to SIL's possible passive/aggressive veiled prompt/fishing expedition .. that too, keep it in perspective and I'm doing just that. She's free to send her mom flowers, .. she can send a food delivery of some special treat .. she can question her brother as to his plans to attend to that occasion .. any number of ways that can be handled. Just because her little note to me, may or may not have been a veiled prompt .. doesn't mean I have to bite the hook. And, proud I didn't.
If DH is so passionate about his mother getting out to blow the stink off and stretch her legs, all he has to do is outsource his handyman role. Then DH can re-purpose his visits to take his mother to a doctor’s appointment; shop for sundries; grab an ice cream cone, etc.
When heck freezes over, right?Practical goes unaddressed. Emotional rules the roost.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Am I the only one that read that and knew it was MIL and not Dorker?
If she (MIL) is stating she thinks hospice fits the bill more, why would Dorker not share that information?
Yes, MIL, DH and SIL are ostriches about MIL ability to live at home, however, for the one person who has given a care for all of these years to just ignore a comment that could be a reality, everything that is said about MIL condition sounds like end stage CHF. This would justify hospice. SIL needs to get her head outta her azz and get back to her mom, she wants all of this propping up, so she needs to do it. This old woman is dying, is she a narsistic, self centered drama queen, YES. Does that change the fact that she is alone 99% of the time, by choice, with kids that don't want to force anything for fear of her wrath, no.
Someone needs to be the adult and look at MIL and the situation without all the petty B'S. She needs an assessment and that Dorker was the one MIL brought up hospice to, maybe, just maybe, she thought this person that she has had a good relationship with for 40+ years would hear her. If you don't tell your son or SIL so they can act, you need to call APS, someone needs to listen without all the B'S.
I am sick at the disregard for this human being, she has obviously out lived any care any one in her family has had for her.
Dorker, you entertain all of these attacks on your husband, you entertain not taking some responsibility for reporting what you know you should and you see the end results, your family is falling apart. I get that you are done, so call APS and really be done with it. She obviously needs help and when no one will step up and do what's needed, hard as it is, then shame on all of us that have supported you through this family drama. I for one understood that you actually cared what happened to this person that was your friend, obviously I was mistaken, you just don't want to be bothered beyond your comfort zone.
I hope that all of you get exactly what you want.
I understand about the "not ready for prime time" MIL doctor appointment. But you're getting set up to resume ...MORE....
DH is trying to rope you back in - not directly but all the same.
If he wants to take MIL something for Mother's Day, great. Just don't be the one preparing it, ordering it, plating it, boxing it, etc. My FIL called my hubs this week. "So what are your plans for the weekend?" Same as your SIL - I know it was a fishing expedition to see if we planned to visit MIL for Mother's Day. Husband's answer was apparently a long involved "I have to work this weekend" though he doesn't. Dorker, when you don't care, you really don't. As long as we are meeting at a restaurant, I've decided that it doesn't matter to me if we spend an hour or so with my MIL and FIL (despite them both irritating me, it will be over in a finite amount of time).
You are getting sucked back in with the appointment. Oh, early arrival and making breakfast when she is oh, so trembly. And putting away the groceries after collecting them for her and taking her to lunch. I'm not saying she isn't weak and failing, but as long as you FILL IN THE GAP, there is no reason to seek home health care, or in home PT, or call the rest of the team, or the neighbor, or husband, or sister in law, or assisted living, or.....
And you are sliding right back down because you are compassionate. Think of it like enabling an alcoholic - as long as you fix things, you "enable" them to keep avoiding rock bottom and any changes. That's been my attitude and the only reason that my MIL is in skilled nursing was my refusal to go rescue FIL and MIL with assistance they refused to pay for and my husband and his brother refused to provide on their own.
And isreally, you can't force someone to make good decisions. Even with an assessment, short of cognitive impairment, you can't force MIL to make better choices. And the family will continue to rope Dorker in if she can because she does care...APS won't change a thing short of direct danger.
You have planted the seed in her mind about palliative care, and she responded hospice. This is something to consider talking about with her during your Thurs am visits. As a matter of fact, you could even bring along someone who is knowledgeable about hospice in a week or two. Perhaps an intake representative can tell you both what services they offer for when the time comes to make that decision, and how most people wait too long to get hospice help so they are of limited assistance to the person and their family. They can discuss all the features they have and really paint a rosy picture. The rep can talk to MIL about if she "ever" needs it. And who knows, maybe MIL will ask her what she can do to get in.
If MIL does not want to hear, she might tell the rep to leave. She might tell you to leave. Maybe MIL will fire Dorker from her care team. Most likely, she would welcome the visit by an additional person to have something to talk about to SIL, for "when she needs it." It might get conversations rolling. And best of all, the hospice rep might just call APS if she thinks MIL is a danger to herself. Done.
Depending on how long it’s been since DH took MIL “OUT” anywhere that might be a slight eye opener for him.
Whether you go with him or not I would NOT coach him, tell him he needs to be there an hour before he wants to leave MILs house, how she won’t be dressed, how long that takes, etc. Let him experience that frustration first hand.
If MIL mentioned hospice, I would look into Hospice for her. My opinion only, of course.
I agree with you 1,000%. In Home Hospice would be great for MIL. I’m wondering how vulnerable Hospice will consider MIL. Would they require boots on the ground in the home. Either Home Health or Family. But that won’t be known until a Hospice does a consult/evaluation.
Dorker mentioning the word Hospice to DH or SIL is going to be like lighting a powder keg, I am afraid.
Just my 2cents, but I think the word Hospice needs to come out of MILs mouth to DH and SIL.
Personally, I would do as you suggest...get it done!
Not sure though if Dorker arranged it, considering DH and SIL, will Dorker get left holding the bag regarding all things Hospice.
Probably over analyzing/picking things apart on my part. Bad habit of mine.
Well, Dorker, Thursday is over and you have a week before you need to see MIL again.
Her comment about preferring Hospice was probably just her looking for attention. And I wouldn't tell SIL or DH about it. They won't believe you, and it just drags you back into the mess.
She's playing Russian Roulette with the Lasik. Doubt she's compliant with any of her meds, and not eating? She's doing all this to herself.
Also, there is no way in the world an 88 yo, heart compromised woman is getting double knee replacements. Nope, not in her life. No anesthesiologist worth her salt will accept her as a patient, so MIL can dream about that, but the truth it, she has that done and she WILL be wheelchair bound for life.
Since you've "stepped out" Dorker, you must continue to do so. She's trying very hard to rope you back in, as her carefully crafted "team" seem to have melted away.
Bottom line: she should not be living alone. She refuses to move to a better living arrangement, you can't make her, so she gets what she gets. Boo hoo. Her kids "care" as long as YOU do all the work. That's over and they are trying to figure this out (although it sure isn't rocket science).
Try to have a nice Mother's Day. My hubby just texted me that he isn't coming home from a business trip until Monday--and Oh, would I get something for his mother and run it up to her? No sir, no way. You deal with it. (I stepped out of ANY MIL contact years ago).
It can be done! (And I frankly DO NOT CARE what my DH thinks about it)
Dorker,
Go soak your feet in the pool!
Enjoy your day with your girls!
This vulnerable 88 y/o needs help and if her kids are so obstuse not to see that, then someone has to step up to the plate.
I agree, call APS. Get her evaluated. If that doesn’t get her children involved then the state should take over.
This is not a game. No one cares if she eats, how she feels, if she needs anything.
Everyone thinks making MIL wait three days to get her beloved dog taken care of while her family debates whose turn it is to do something for their grandmother, mother, etc is ok?I don’t. That poor woman - stressed for over 3 days.
I have to say this is elder abuse to a degree. It’s not right. What’s the outcome every one wants? MIL to die alone in her home?
This thread is so redundant now. The woman deserves respect.
It’s become very sad.
APS is gonna see the same things I see when I go there, .. the same things the church ladies see.
Is she unkempt .. unclean/hygiene issues. No.
Does her setting appear dangerous as in, evidence of fire where a stove was left on .. or other perils. No
Does she appear oriented as to day/time, etc. Yes (mostly, after some thought)
Does she have the means for sustenance. Yes, (MOW)
So she refuses her medication(s) .. that isn't illegal .. nor cause to remove her from her home.
There's nothing about her situation that would be cause for APS to take over ..
There is a lot about the setting that is cause for a whole he!!uva lot of frustration .. particular with two offspring who refuse to push her to do otherwise ..and at least one of that offspring with passive/aggressive cloaked prompts.
No, she shouldn't be living alone in that situation .. I stand firm in that as my opinion. But as has been well established .. she's free to make that choice .. and obviously no one is gonna push for anything different.
Thus .. the frustration of it all ...
The only thing I've been able to do .. as I weather all this .. is to engage with some firm limits.
I go there on Thursdays .. and with limits, I will help in that set-aside time. I won't go mow the lawn for her .. nor will I mop the floors. Depending on what her list of needs (wants/whims) are .. on any given Thursday and the time investment it will take, ... I pick and choose whether to engage. I didn't opt to mop her floors .. or vaccum .. but I did sweep off her deck and in her garage .. I have run to the grocery for her, for the few things she needs .. took her to a doc appt .. even went out to lunch with her, where she ate every morsel in front of her and then some.
I'll engage but with limits. So her dog goes 3 days without being seen .. that was her choice .. (indirectly). She has choices, that she still refuses to avail herself of
She can go to PT if she'd like, there are means by which to achieve that. She chooses not to avail herself of said services.
This doesn't mean that Dorker has to step to the plate and swing for the bleachers for all of it, and I won't, not anymore.
So she's left with unanswered to need .. (PT for one) ..
She could actually "go" stay with her daughter, . who can and will get her the 3 x's weekly to that site for same. She refuses. She could get in the car with a GOGOGRANDPARENT service .. she won't. She could avail herself of the local transit system for people with disabilities. She won't.
It is sad .. it is very very extremely frustrating ..
But none of it is anything APS is gonna pick up and run with it. It doesn't meat that bar.
Does she really want Hospice? No, I don't think so. I think that was said only in a manner to get me off the Palliative care train that I was beginning to open dialogue for discussion.
The absurdity of it all. I could go to a Hospice organization and summon someone to visit with me on my next Thursday .. and it would all be for naught. I could summon her son or her daughter with that info .. again .. it'd all be for naught.
It's like, anything short of a magic fairy that will come in and sprinkle wonder lust of youth and former vitality .. it's dismissed. As have been so many other of the recommendations that I've tried to bring to the table (visiting physicians, for one).
All I can do is go the one day per week that I have designated to do so, and do what I am willing in that time frame, and leave the rest. That's it.
Doesn't mean it isn't confounding to be in the presence of it all.
I have my g'kids .. since this afternoon and o'nite and into tomorrow and am enjoying that .. and will go tomorrow to make a Mother's Day with 2 of my 3 daughters (OD isn't available, she's working tomorrow).
On Sunday .. Mother's Day .. DH mentioned wanting to take his mom to lunch if she's able to get out .. (and that varies, some days she can't). Asked if I was willing to go .. and I told him, "we'll see", simply because it's also my Mother's Day .. and ... I was just with her, .. and she's not my mother. So we'll see.
Hope all who are mom's .. can have a wonderful weekend.
Unless MIL is mentally compromised/incompetent, she is still the adult. No other adult can legally make her do anything she doesn't want to.
It is very sad to be old and sick. She is attached to her home and her dog. I have a dog and I understand how much dog owners love their dogs. She wants to stay in her home and die there. I can understand that, too. I would choose the comfort of my home over a depressing NH, too, in her shoes.
What MIL needs is a full time caregiver who devotes her life to care for MIL at MIL's house. Dorker did that. Dorker has already given up her life for umteen years to help MIL. Now that Dorker is a grandma, she wants her life back. She wants the MIL's adult children to step up. MIL's son doesn't want to do it. And MIL refuses to go with her own daughter. What can Dorker do? Give up more years of her own life? I don't think that's fair.
No one wants to step up to help because they don't want their lives to be consumed by MIL's overwhelming needs. They don't want to give up their lives.
Yes, MIL is vulnerable, but by choice. She wants to stay put during hurricane season, putting herself in danger, by choice.
Yes, this tread is redundunt, but that's because the same things keep happening which cause the same frustrations.
Very sad to watch.
I just started following this tread not too long ago, so i haven't read 90% of the posts. Just wondering if MIL could afford to hire a caregiver part time.
Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers.
Aps is not going to force mil into care if she can tell you who the president is and what day it is. And if she's got food.
Dorker should request a hospice eval because it will trigger a nurse visit. Someone to listen to mil's chest. Dorker can do this under the guise of " well when I asked...."
I don't think Dorker has much to lose at this point.
Dorker has sought love and approval from these folks in the past. She the child of alcoholics who had an extremely troubled childhood. Risking disapproval from this bunch of ostriches is a big step for her to take.
This woman has three living children, one of whom doesn't speak with her. The other two are terrified by her rage/disapproval. And thus step away from problem solving, genuine communication and process only sadness and guilt.
As mothers, we reap what we sow.
It IS sad that this fussy old woman who has a collection of people who really truly DO care for her, will not avail herself of the many opportunities she has to lead a better life. Her collection of "runners" have evaporated, as quickly as they figured her out. She won't use "outsiders". She's not nice. She's not particularly grateful and she sure as heck isn't self aware. I'd give that to her being old--but she's been this way forever. Just gotten more the "same".
Yep, her life is awful. And daily, she checks the "continue on with this life" box.
NOBODY can force her into a NH. APS can be called and all they will find is one more Sr. who is living a compromised life, BUT she isn't abused, neglected, incompetent, unfed, dirty or lying about in her own filth. They won't do a thing.
Dorker is doing the best she can. She's a fixer, a doer and a go getter. To sit by and "do" one day a week and fend off countless directives from afar AND try to help run DH's business and her own home and spend quality time with grands---she deserves to do this with zero guilt about MIL--and yet it creeps in. She's human.
I DO feel sorry for MIL, but not as much as I might. MANY seniors have literally not one soul who care for or about them. But as a true blue Narcissist, she cannot see that. It's all about her.
Until you have dealt with a true Narcissist , you have no clue how insidious, how slow and careful is the creeping in with the demands. Suddenly one day you find yourself thinking of spending an hour with this person and you just want to weep. My therapist referred to the feeling as being "pecked to death by ducks".
Those of you who have been able to maintain sympathy for MIL throughout are among the few and faithful...the rest of us find this drama all hits to close to home.
MIL is still considered a competent adult so let her be. Only she can decide when and where she moves.
There are no decisions to be made or advice given MIL is rowing her own boat so everyone will have to wait till a big wave hits it and she overturns. Then is the time to call in the coastguard. Will it be too late? Maybe, but that is the nature of the beast.
The only exception I would make to all this is taking the poor dog to the Vet, after all he can't take himself and deserves better.
Spending every Thursday with MIL is Dorker"s choice so she is free to unchoose it.
MIL would soon find someone else to fill the gaps.
Dorker also has free will to make her own choices just like MIL so she can do just that.
I do however suggest if this time is devoted to MIL Dorker should actually do the things MIL is requesting as long as there is time. Picking and choosing is not a fair compromise.
I don't think I share MIL's character but I can empathize with her as an older woman. I appreciate the support but I don't want to be ordered to do anything nor have decisions made for me although they may be in my own best interests. it is very nice to know that other adults are taking some of the responsibility. I just may find my own way round things i don't want to do.
Regardless of all the reasons and excuses, if you are not willing to really help and take responsibility, then leave it alone.
From her own words Barb, Dorker and MIL have been dear friends, so acceptance has obviously been achieved many years ago.
Hey, I'm grasping at straws here.
I do think that a can of worms was opened when Dorker told husband that she talked to his mom about palliative care after the fact. She needs to talk to him first and SIL, I am beyond annoyed that no one is really looking at where MIL is today, it has to be some kind of ugly. I'm not involved says Dorker, it's your mom, not mine, then to address something as serious as in home palliative care. I'm afraid she is talking out of both sides of her mouth and MIL bears the brunt. At this point I don't know what to think or believe, other then there is a 88 year old vulnerable sick woman that no one is really helping or even seeing. That she was/is some narcissistic self serving witch is quite beside the point, she is in need of someone at least knowing she exists. All the family drama and dysfunction can not exist in a vacuum. Some one who only looks at the facts with no input from anyone, should access the situation.
My dad is a true narsist, however, he is also a human being and I for one will not let his personality make me uncaring for the human aspect of him. It is my God fearing beliefs that I am to do good to my enemies and pray for those that despitefully us me, i have never been able to hold a mad at anyone I truelly pray for.
As to my having presented Palliative Care as an option to MIL, before talking to DH about it. It wouldn't of mattered. Had I presented that concept to DH .. he might've been just as dismissive of it as a plan .. as he was in the end anyway. His remark, .. "I don't think that sounds like a good plan, she's already pretty much a shut in .. never gets out .. now she wouldn't even need to leave, so she can see doctors .. I don't think that's good". That would've been his "take" to begin with, and even if he did think it an avenue to look at .. he'd of wanted his mother to entertain the notion (as he should).
It was only presented to her (and I still think it's something that should be pursued) ..as a means of her receiving the care she needs but more *in home* as opposed to having to get ready and go anywhere. Something that is truly a mighty struggle for her.
I don't see her as a candidate for Hospice, not really. She has a lot of chronic conditions for sure, but none that are imminently terminal. All, completely treatable. If she'd comply and understand, follow through with what she needs to do.
I don't think she's really able to, .. in all honesty.
She "could" go and see about getting PT which would only serve to strengthen her, and LORD KNOWS she needs it. But that will entail she sign on for the local mass transit system .. for folks with disabilities that use that ride service.
GOD FORBID she would have to ride with the "dregs" of society (as she sees it) . it's a "shared ride" system. She could utilize GOGOGRANDPARENT ... but "doesn't want to ride with a stranger". She could summon some of her supposed "team" .. into service .. but .. thus far .. no go.
The truth of the matter (and her not doing PT is not helping this) .. she is so damn weak .. and tires so easily .. she truly doesn't get dressed most days, stays in her PJ's. When she does have cause to get dressed for the day, as was the case with the doc appt the other day .. it does her in.
I can't even fathom her having to get up and get dressed to go to a PT site 3 x's a week. I don't think she could see that through, it's more than she can do.
Should she sign on for in home PT .. in the absence of the ability to see to the above. Possibly.
That too, fraught with problems in that she's so weak .. so tired .. that having someone come each day ... as she puts it ... "I feel like I have to put on a show and *entertain* them and it's too much*.
Most of us here, .. of sound mind, .. have a recognition for the fact these PT folks that arrive at your home, they aren't there to be "entertained" and/or conversation .. they are there to perform their service. But that's how MIL sees it .. that it's all a "dog and pony show" .. (that's her perception).
Could she take her dadgum confounded Lasix .. routinely ... ?!?!?!? ... to help her situation? She could yes .. and should. But .......... that would entail, like the other day .. when we had a doc appt to go out and attend to, she'd have to wear Depends . and I guess deal with the fact she wouldn't be able to get to the potty in time .. and the humiliation (she perceives) of that situation. Thus, she didn't take it.
I suspect she doesn't take it a lot more than just when she has cause to have to be away from home. But I don't know that for sure and I have no way short of hovering daily, to attend to whether that is occurring.
There are things she COULD and SHOULD be doing to better her situation. For varying reasons (excuses) she chooses not to.
She has her dog that had what turned out to be an ear infection .. and called here at 5 PM on a Friday .. wanting to know if YD was going to be out of town . for the weekend, or available on Saturday to take poochy to vet.
At that point, .. all had gone on with their lives .. as we all do. YD had plans for the weekend, and so agreed to go on Monday when she returned .. to take poochy in to be seen. Her son .. also .. had plans ..
We don't sit here and twiddle our thumbs .. any of us .. in anticipation of the next possible peril that could be fall that situation at MIL's home so that we can hop into service like a super hero.
There were other options .. as to having the dog see to sooner ..
She has a neighbor that (Flighty C) .. she could call upon. She has the two church ladies she could've attempted to reach out to .. she has her MOW drivers (.. or so I've been told) .. she could've reached out to.
For that matter, there are mobile vet services and she could've called one of them.
She's not a completely isolated lonely ole woman that sits out at her house with problem after problem, while we all dance merrily thru life and don't even have a care in the world as to her situation. That's not at all an accurate portrayal of how things go.
She isn't being seen as to the PT she could probably use. But whose fault is that?
Is that my fault, because I refuse to be in the streets 3 x's weekly to see to that issue .. as well as any other incidentals (crises level or not) that crop up as a result of her situation.
Is it her son's fault ...???.....
That he is working .. and/or churching or hunting ... that he can't be at her service for the above need, at what would essentially be business hours .. a time of day that he'd be working ...
Is it her g'kid's fault .. that the 3 she has locally .. one has 3 kids that she would have to tag along ... one works six days a week .. and the other is working f/t .. same business operational hours and so can't be off 3 x's weekly to see to PT services.
Or is it her fault, that she won't avail herself of whatever services are at her disposal?
The food issue, her tired of bland MOW's ...........
Could she reach out on that issue also? Absolutely. Should Dorker be in the roads daily running home cooked meals to her? Should DH be going nightly to pick up sme take out somewhere, when this is an issue .. IMO .. she should see to, .. left to "manage" on her own.
She "COULD" if she'd just do it .. talk to any one of the folks that are part of her life as to how to go about obtaining a take out/delivery and any number of those folks would work with her, to get that process in motion and teach/show her how to do it. Instead she chooses to "not eat".
So many issues that I could sit here and name, one after the other ..
Unless Dorker wants to step up to the plate and answer to it all ...........
It gets left unanswered to.
Whose fault is that?
IMO, her's. She is the one that chooses to remain in her home .. she and her doggie .. and as compromised as she is. She's free to make that choice, .. thought to be of sound mind to do so.
Doesn't mean then, that someone then has to run what is essentially a mobile AL service .. to answer to the incessant need.
APS is not gonna do a damn thing. Her home has power .. it's not that she's sitting in a sweltering hot house, because she doesn't have enough sense to pay her light bill.
She is oriented (mostly) to her space in this world .. and the day/time, etc.
Yes, one look at her and you see how frail she is .. and her swollen lower extremities. Medication is there to treat it .. it's not that she has no way to even get to a pharmacy or to a doctor. She just refuses to take the meds as she should. APS isn't gonna act on that.
She has food to eat .. .she just chooses not to eat it. I probably would get sick of bland MOW's too. But .. I might would hope to have the wherewithal to reach out to the folks that are a part of my life and see what can be done to get some deliveries .. and have them walk me through that process.
It's all heartbreaking .. but even more than that, it's frustrating and confounding as hades.
There was a time that I was in service to meeting all the need/want/whimsy.
I'm not doing it anymore. That much is a given .. take it to the bank, it's not going to happen.
So there will be loose ends ....
Things not seen to.
Whose fault is it?
I go there on Thursdays and have done so consistently since I agreed to same, and will continue to do that. What she needs from me in that setting, .. hauling away old books, or clothes (as I've done) .. a trip to the grocery for some items .. (as I've done) ... sweeping off her deck, her garage ... staying in attendance while she showers .. I'll do.
What I won't do is be in service, daily to all that it takes to prop this up. Thus, loose ends, and in a lot of cases, . that's nobody's fault but her own .. in her refusal to allow other means to answer to her needs/wants/whimsy.
It's frustrating, and that isn't a word that even aptly describes the depth of it.