I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
See link within the article AND links at bottom of article that explain POA, wills, probate, revocable trust, guardianship. (All as they pertain to Florida.)
Again, can’t make these horses drink. Probably isn’t even worth sharing your info, unless someone else broaches one of the topics.
But knowing the function and importance of each document will help you (if no one else) also understand the flip side: what happens when someone does not have these documents in place.
That is accurate, .. SIL calling numerous times in a day. MIL has had a couple of occasions where that emergency alert pendant around her neck should've been utilized, but she doesn't. Fear her dog will escape at the arrival of EMT's. Thus, SIL doing long distance wellness checks numerous times daily .. from afar.
I have to kinda laugh at it all .. only from the respect that it would be un-nerving to me, ... to know that my day includes ... I better be near the phone and answer it .. or there will be an APB issued and the National Guard and news media and anyone else SIL can raise .. they'll be at my door. I know MIL feels much the same .. it's as dread she lives with .. and something she indeed has to kinda plan around .. as she knows that phone call is coming, in fact, numerous times per day .. and if she doesn't answer the phone and/or pick it up and call back pretty shortly .. it's not gonna be good.
Wanted to clear something up .. not that it matters in the end. Someone yesterday had posted that Dorker wants to be able to spend time with her grands ..etc etc .. but that family would probably be just fine absent Dorker's presence. Please know that I do not impose myself on DD's family and her setting. In fact, .. the only time I go to her house, is via invite .. I never, ever .. stop by there without she has asked me to be there. That is something I'm ultra sensitive to, as DH's dad .. was known to just stop by .. unannounced and at the time I was a mom of small kids and it was most up-ending to our regiment here, to have him arrive on the scene when he hadn't been summoned to come here for any particular reason.
The way it goes with DD and her family .. for the most part, she manages her world .. completely fine without me in the mix. Every once in a while ... because she misses me, wants to be in my presence, and visit .. and/or help with the kids, .. she comes this way kids in tow. I am completely set up here for kids/babies (consignment shopping one of my favorite things to do , and it has served me well, with toys and baby equipment, etc). My presence in DD's world, for the most part, is because she lands here .. not the other way around. If I'm at her house .. it's because she has somewhere to be, and needs me there to watch the kid(s).
Important to me that people realize that I am not some imposing mom that is coming to DD's house daily and bossing everyone around and taking over. In fact, DD would set me on my ear, if that were the case, she's a strong enough personality in her own right, she wouldn't stand for it. Nor do I desire to take over mothering any little kids daily .. that ship has sailed.
So anyhooo.
IF EMT's were summoned and they did not see a DNR hanging in plain sight or there is not a relative or neighbor who can lay hands on one, they will do EVERYTHING possible to sustain life. Once transported to an ER, the hospital personnel will take it from there. If they can't get a copy, then they will do everything possible to sustain life. My brother is an EMT and has done life saving measures on many people who's relatives stand there and go "she didn't want this!"..but legally, without that DNR, he HAS to do his job.
For what it's worth--in my state, if I become incompetent, and I do not have a POA assigned, my 5 kids can step in and have me declared incompetent and then my kids have to agree 100% on everything for my care. That's not going to happen, b/c I have a very well drawn will and great relationships with all my kids---BUT, it isn't outside the realm of possibility for a lot of people.
Laws differ from state to state--and you'd never get MIA brother to even answer the phone, so this doesn't apply to you.
Sad, that MIL won't appoint a POA. There's nobody at the wheel as that ship starts sinking.
So when are SIL's overseas son and family coming to visit? Aren't they coming to FL at some point? If so, will SIL and her H also be coming? That will be an opportunity to get lots of eyes on MIL.
Maybe putting a notice on the out side of the front door would work better
"PLEASE DO NOT LET THE DOG OUT" Then tape a copy of the DNR to the inside of the front door. Don't put it in an envelope that will be over looked. Another copy on the fridge is also a good idea but that upsets some people.
As someone else noted EMTs will always treat and I think have to in the absense of a DNR unless the patient is in a state to refuse.
There have been a couple of occasions MIL should've used it. She didn't, fear the doggie would get out and be gone.
I think that very fear .. would find her refusing any device that is gonna summon help without her having asked for it. I truly think MIL would lay there on the floor (she's done it) .. in the hope .. prayer .. she'd be able to finally finagle a way to get up, rather than summon EMT's who might ............. (GASP) let her doggie out the door.
That's the absolute truth.
There are instructions on file with the company that manages the service for the life alert pendant, there's a dog in the house, needing to be secured .. don't leave a door open. I don't think MIL has any confidence whatsoever, these orders will be followed. Who knows, maybe her fears aren't unfounded. The dog means more to her than her own life, literally.
Do I think the dog would meander off ...???.....
Possibly. I know for a fact he'd of taken off like a racing dog, in his youth .. and you'd never get him ...
But that may not be the case anymore, he's .. I think 12 or 14 years old ... can't remember, one of the two .. he doesn't "run" anywhere, anymore.
Would an EMT be concerned with (having not been properly notified, which is possible even though those orders are on file) .. would they even notice that *gee when we opened that door a moment ago, I saw a dog walk out, wonder where he went, better go look".
I doubt it, their first concern is gonna be the welfare of the human they are there to rescue.
The dog means more to her .. than the air she breathes.
That's not for me to point a finger in judgement about. Some might say that is unreasonable on her part, that she'd put her own life at peril ...in the interest of making sure her dog doesn't run free out her front door. But, it is what it is.
Truly, I don't think she will ever activate that alarm .. even though she wears it daily ... all the time .. round the clock, in a pendant. I don't think she will ever use it.
In fact, I know of times she has fallen .. (didn't get seriously hurt) .. and had to literally lay there for a while and get her witts about her, .. and summon the strength to crawl/scoot .. whatever .. to wherever she could find to brace herself to turn over, or get up however she could.
There have been a couple of times she's fallen, when we have been summoned, her unable to crawl/scoot, brace or anything else, to get up. She didn't use the button ..
And in answer to her meds and a list .. that is kept on the fridge .. something the life alert folks provided .. in a clear insert thing, clearly marked .. it's a list of her meds .. for EMT's. The Living Will, she showed me the other day, when I asked about a POA ..where the Living Will is kept.
Would an EMT find it? Not a chance .. it's in plain sight .. but ..an EMT is not gonna go rifling thru her papers .. they are there to save a life ..not to sort thru paperwork.
What are the chances I'd be on scene .. to hand that all important piece of paperwork to an EMT personnel .. not likely. The fire-station where EMT would arrive from, is literally right down the street from her ... I am not. They'd get there, long before I could.
And likely I'd get there even sooner than DH would .. if it were work hours. But even then, neither of us would be on site to direct accordingly.
You let her get transported. You don't give her a chance to whine at you and bluster. You let them get her to the ER and let them call her children.
I would never in a million years have shown up at my mom's home if 911 had been called. You let the professionals do their jobs without family interference.
She also wears a fall pendant and while there were a LOT of mis-placed false alarms, eventually she figured it out. She couldn't send it through the wash, nor wear it outside her clothing (she's bent completely over and it would clank against her walker and set it off) She also is told she HAS to shower with it on, as much as she hates that--but that's when she's fallen.
Sad that a sick old dog is kinda running the show here. We have a name for dogs who don't come when called: Somebody's else's pet.
I would Make Sure the her DNR/Living Will is properly placed/Taped in a clear plastic sleeve, to her Bedroom door (the place the EMT's naturally look), so that they Do See It, in case of said emergency! I mean, isn't that is the Point of having one in the first place? Easy Peasy!
I would put a simple sign on the front door, "DON'T LET THE DOG OUT!", in a clear plastic sleeve, for Everyone to see, easy enough!
I would Notify the Fire Department, as well as the Police Department, that there is an "Single Elderly Women" living there Alone, with said DNR/LIVING WILL, clearly placed on her bedroom door, to have in their files, should they ever be called or notified of any problem.
All Simple measures, as an added layer of protection, so that when the next fall or emergency does happen, it is Seen and Followed, per Her Instruction. I mean she Did go to the extent of filling out and having the DNR/LIVING WILL, and she is in fact Wearing the Life Alert Pendant, so she does Desire Some Attention, should the need arise! She doesn't need to know that EMS will be alerted, but You will, and that's just one less thing that you won't need to worry about, Off to the ER She Goes!
Like most of us, being "Held Accountable", is often just the little Nudge we need, to get up and dressed, to weigh in, to take better care of ourselves, and if you could manage to get MIL linked up onto a PALLIATIVE CARE program, she would Likely Improve, in So Many Ways!
PALLIATIVE CARE, Isn't Just having the Dr come to your home now and then, it would be a Whole Personally Designed System of Caregivers (All or Mostly Paid for by Medicare), to help her to motivate, and encourage her to take charge of her Health and Wellbeing, which would ultimately Lighten the Load and the constant Worry from your shoulders, and soon, SIL and DH will Thank You for initiating it!
Dr visits, Nurse visits, Social Worker ( who will Address Every Aspect of her daily Needs and arrange them), PT, home health aids (think Bath Aides eventually!), light housekeeping, shopping, simple meal prep, and more importantly, Safe and Professional health care folks, whom she would be seeing on a regular basis, giving her additional socialization and encouragement to take better care of herself, and in that, an improvement of her health and welfare! Yes, it would take time and effort to initially get set up, but in the end, support for Everyone!
If it were My Mom, I wouldn't even Give her an Option! I would just get the ball running, and Tell Her that We Are Doing This for Your Own Wellbeing, SO THAT We will then Know, that she is being seen to, in order to Help her to stay in her home as she desires, and to Help her to regain the strength to do the things she wants to do! Will this take some initial help and oversight on your part?, absolutely, but you Love Her, and Want the Best for her, We All Know That, and ultimately it Will Be Easier for You!
Make it a 3 Month Trial, FIB, and tell her that her PCP or CARDIOLOGIST recommends this New Health Care System, for ALL of their Elderly Patients, who live alone, to keep them Independent and at Home as is their desire.
THERAPEUTIC FIBBING for the wellbeing of/to our elders has been being done on our elders since the beginning of time, as we Know what is Best for them, and more Importantly Sometimes, What is Best for Us, in the care of them! THIS IS NOT AN OPTION, CARE IS BEING SET UP FOR YOU!!! Make up some sort of POSITIVE Statistics, on how programs like this are being Keeping our elderly population in their homes, Longer, Happier and in Much Better Health, which isn't a Fib at all!
If SIL and DH are not initially on board, Too Bad, as it's YOU who has been the Lone Troop on the ground, doing all the Work and Worry, and your MIL will soon get Used to the idea, and will Benefit from such a program, IMMENSELY! You Might very well see Major and Positive Changes in her, She will enjoy the Attention, and that ultimately, it will make your life much easier, unless of course, you wish for things to stay the same, and continue to watch he deteriorate before your eyes.
What is the worse that could happen, that she refuses to participate in one or more of these services? These people know how to manage Obstinate Old Folks, it's what they Do, but do present the Program Properly, IT ISN'T A CHOICE, but a Necessity, in order for her to Continue to stay alone, living in Her home, AND that your 2 families will know that She is getting Every New Fangled (and highly recommended!) Senior Service Option Available to her, to be able to Live Alone, and be the Healthiest, Safest, and Well Cared four, that She can Possibly Be!
I completely understand and applaud you for wanting to set boundaries, and regain some semblance of your own private life, but in the year that this thread has been devoted to doing just that, Your KIND and CARING HEART, has not allowed you to simply step away without the constant worry, as IMO, that is just Not in your DNA makeup! You Love her too much, to see her whither away, when there are outstanding options available to her, even if her Own Children, and she her "Narcissistic Self, do not see that she avail herself to them. I see no other way for you, other than to completely " Step Off", or "Step Up", and see that The Right Things are done, that She get the Best Care Available, to live out her days, as Cared For as Possible. You gave it a Good Try, and I was Completely behind you, but her Kids are jerks, that just don't see the Dangers of her living alone (and they Are REAL!), with out Additional Support for her own Welfare.
Oh how I wish you would push forward with Palliative Care for her, no matter if her Kids are on board or not! I know that both You and you MIL would benefit from it with time and patience!!
Sadly, it was too late, as he'd already developed advanced cancer. Think if he'd been in care, with professional folks checking on him!
Kudos to you Stacey!
After following this thread since the beginning, and Being Totally Understanding and Supportive of Dorker (hang in there girl!), and her unfortunate and Unfair plight in all of this, I honestly Believe that it Now All Comes Down to WHAT IS BEST, for her MIL, and the others can now SHOVE OFF, as I am disgusted For poor Dorker, for her having to tiptoe around their insensitive attitudes and their Lack of Care, of their Own Mother! A Mother whom we've all come to Love through Dorker's incredible and descriptive writings of her!
The Old Gal is firmly entrenched in her ways, who wouldn't be, she's been given a False Sense of Security, by her 2 Children, while Dorker has run herself ragged, trying to keep the facade going, at her own expense! Now, when the going gets tough at the end of her life, her own kids are dropping the ball, and not honoring their own Mom, as they Should be doing, wringing their hands of her, and Waiting for Dorker to Save The Day, and she's (understandably), Bloody Tired of It!
So either Nothing will change, and so sorry so sad, or you prop the old gal up the best that you can, and when All is said and done, You know you've done the best that you can, but when she Is gone to her grave, you will know you did your best. That's my take!
Yes, Been there, Done That! 4 times, and have the badges to prove it!
My memories are happy ones and my mind is at peace. All 4 of our parents know that they were Loved and Cared For to the Best of our Ability to the Absolute End Of Their Lives, and I sleep well at night, Finally! It was a Long Long Long haul ( well over 20 years combined) all 4 of them with Dreaded diseases, and I Thank God that I had the Love and Complete Support of my Husband, And My Siblings, I was Very Lucky, but I would have gone it Alone if I had to, as like Dorker, and the Majority of the posters here on the AC website, that is my DNA makeup, to be a Natural Born Caregiver, and the heart to see them through.
I pray for you All, each and every day, for the strength and patience, to serve you Loved ones, and to somehow get through each day, only to have to do it all again the next, it's the hardest job out there, but somebody has to do it! Why else would we all be here, propping each other up, looking for guidance and support amongst each other, for us, the troops on the ground. No, it is not fair that we are often alone, but things are changing, there is more and better resources out there than ever before for our Loved Ones, and it's up to us to reach out and to utilize those resources, to the betterment of our Elders!
As to the life alert device, and the medical care, for that matter. SIL is gatekeeper to all things MIL.
She is the one that insisted on the device .. the life alert thing .. and so for me, to somehow contact that company and say to them, .. "we want to upgrade to one of those devices that detects the patient and a fall ...", that would be circumvented by SIL .. I wouldn't be able to "lie" to MIL .. because SIL would undo that.
That's all a part of why it's all so frustrating. Dealing with the gatekeeper to it all and what she thinks should be any approach vs what I think ..
A good for instance, .. I had pushed (and plan to continue doing so, and with MIL specifically not so much with SIL) .. that we see about having MIL sign up with what are visiting physicians that are available in this area. Physicians that will come to your home, vs you going to them. It's such a struggle for her to get ready/dressed and get out anywhere and very much dependent upon who ever can take her, or not.
That notion was run by SIL and her take on it all (though we both agree her present PCP .. is maybe not best suited for MIL and her geriatric issues and maybe a change is in order there) .. her take was along the lines of ...... "what do we know about that group that does the home visits .. how can we find out if they are well liked, .. professional .. are they foreigners with heavy accents that make them hard to understand (the latter being something I have sympathy for, that's a struggle for me .. if someone has a heavy dialect .. I can't understand them either, and struggle with that myself). She sidetracked above by saying .. there is a new PCP group that has opened a brand new office near MIL (nearer to her than her present PCP) .. maybe any consideration as to changing docs .. she should go to that group near her.
SIGH
That circumvents the whole purpose .. she can go .. as far as I'm' concerned to the other side of town .. it's very dependent upon someone TAKING HER .. for her to get there .. don't know that it matters all that much as to WHO takes her and WHERE .. what does matter is her having access to healthcare in her own home, IMO.
So the above dialogue took that side road, and never went forward in any direction.
SIL sidetracking it with the fact this new PCP group that has opened a brand new office (and no we don't know about them either, as to their bedside manner, professionalism, are they well liked, .. etc etc, heavy foreign accents ..we don't know) .. but she sidetracked above with the line of thinking .. "MIL thinks if she were ever hospitalized again she'd like to maybe have to go to "XYZ Hospital", and this new group is an affiliation with that hospital group .. so .. might be nice to check that group out if there's gonna be a change in PCP.
Don't know, .. haven't called the visiting physician group that I was touting, to see what their hospital affiliation is.
MO that is a non issue .. hospitals these days use hospitalists as to attending physician services .. your PCP has absolutely zero to do with any hospitalization .. so that argument, at least in my opinion . is not a very valid one, as to where to assign with a PCP.
But in the end, any conversation as to any direction with MIl, be it the color of paper towel chosen .. it goes past the gatekeeper and that gatekeeper has to analyze and dial down on and fine tooth comb, pick apart, and argue and hash and rehash every finite detail of whatever direction one might have in mind .. and all the particulars of it.
Having said that, I am pushing MIL .. as to Palliative Care .. and consideration thereof (though I'd like to have a clearer understanding of that initiative myself ... before pushing it real hard) .. I'm also pushing the visiting physicians when I talk with MIL on my Thursday visits.
If she will give me a simple "yes, let's look into it", I'll be all over it like white on rice .. and SIL can go fly a kite, as far as I'm concerned ..she isn't here .. and she .. IMO .. doesn't really manage things too good ..
But for me to just tell MIL .. "well healthcare practices are changing and this is what they're directing .. and so what we need to do is pick out a Palliative Care arrangement here .. and we'll go and talk to them, so here's a packet, give it a look and we'll get an appt set".
If I said that to MIL .. she would buy it, she's gullible enough ..
BUT .........
She'd be talking to SIL in one of her numerous phone calls daily and SIL would then call the PCP assigned presently, with a question of, "what is this we hear that you guys are changing course .. and Palliative Care now needs to be assigned .. what's this about?".
And she'd of course hear there has been no dialogue on that topic.
I'm not free to take any course of action that won't have to be run past the gatekeeper who will chew it up and examine every finite detail for its merits and pitfalls and dial down on it, and pick it apart and argue the finer points and then .. make her decision why that isn't the direction to go.
I have brought up Palliative Care before . to SIL .. and she didn't have any real understanding of it's finer points (I don't either, not really) ..
What's the difference, other than they will provide as a whole .. a social worker as part of the program to help MIL to understand her condition and the approaches best suitable to her case .. what else differs? I don't have a real clear understanding myself.
I did do a google search here, for where we live and there is truly only one .. at least as far as I'm concerned, that is a Palliative Care physician .. as far as any area of town I want to go to. There are a few in a really bad area of town associated with the hospital local to here for indigent .. and it's not in a safe area of town that I want to be going to .. there is another one .. that is located on the other side of town .. not something I'm totally opposed to, but closer would be better. There is one .. one lone palliative care doc that I found, that is geographically desirable ...
I did request via phone call today .. FWIW .. a pamphlet and info be sent to me, here . on the Visiting Physicians .. gonna look it over and provide it to MIL as I continue to push that agenda .. as well as looking into more on this Palliative Care thing and push that.
If I can get MIL to agree .. it's off to the races ..and SIL can go pound sand.
You all are aware .. it was less than a week ago that I brought this whole "Palliative" thing up with DH and his response (he who doesn't go get her and take her anywhere, but really .. it's such a struggle for her to go any damn where anyway) .. his take was, "well that's not good, she's all but a damn shut in as it is, .. let's go ahead and have doctors come to her, and now she'll never have to go anywhere .. no activity at all, that's not good".
I'm over here, not wanting to argue, let's remember this is not my mom and I am not up for the damn fight it takes out of her two offspring to get them to make any forward motion on anything .....
I'm over here like, .. ya know .. this is status quo with your mom .. she went last week to the knee doc .. because it was on a Thursday and that's the day that I'm slated to help her, so I took her. She had another appt Tuesday of this week, that she DID NOT GO TO (standard operating procedure with MIL .. she cancels appts) .. didn't wanna go, never even asked anyone to take her. I bet had I been one to say, "yes dear MIL you have an appt also on Tuesday .. even though I just took you to one on Thursday this past week, no problem MIL dearest .. we'll go to that one too) I bet had I been agreeable to the appt .. the one she cancelled, she woudln't have done so. It's her reticence to let "others" help. It's a huge struggle for her to get dressed .. and go any damn where, .. that's the first very real hurdle of monumental proportion .. .. and it's a very real hurdle, a high one for her. But beyond that, having to have someone else take her, .. that makes it .. at least for MIL .. not something she'll do. She "might" do it, if Dorker will step up to the plate, but we've seen Dorker has largely stepped away .. she's NOT gonna do it, if it's dependent upon someone else to take her.
And then you have her son .. "oh great, she's all but a shut in as it is, and now she won't even have to get out to go to doctors .. she'll never have any activity at all, ever, . no that's not a good idea".
Unrealistic views of what really goes on .. and they get to call the shots, it's their mom.
The sister that wants to fine tooth comb pick apart every single aspect of every single thing and in that inertia that stymies any movement whatsoever.
The ONLY thing I can do is continue to push that initiative with MIL and I will. I will keep at it .. and see if I can get her to budge on it.
If SIL gets nuts with her what ifs....tell her hurricane season is upon you and you'd be glad to hear her plan since you will be with your mom and not available. You hope she's gotten an evacuation plan in place for MIL and pooch that doesn't involve you, since you won't be there.
Make it clear that since you are the boots on the ground, you're not going to listen to her handwringing. You are arranging stuff for YOUR convenience, not HER neuroses. And you are following what MIL WANTS. I wouldn't be polite about this at all, Dorker.
Why on earth does your husband think that getting a visiting physician means you can't take mom out for lunch? Is that a condition of signing up?
Talk to the visiting physician about palliative care. If you decide to get a new brick and mortar doc, look for a geriatrics specialist. Once my mom started using a geriatrics doc, we were able to lose everyone else except the eye doctor.
Explore what MIL's resistance to AL is. You might find some misinformation. You might arrange a visit to one. On a Thursday.
And all of this is covered by Medicare? I did just a bit of reading about palliative care. Medicare doesn't recognize the term (as it does hospice), so all is covered as everything else is covered by Medicare. Apparently a few diagnoses qualify the elder for in-home palliative care. And it doesn't seem that "light housekeeping, shopping, simple meal prep" would EVER be covered by Medicare.
And if all is NOT covered in-home (but requires that MIL be taken to appointments), then what will be the point?
(And no matter who is sent to MIL's house, is someone going to be there to force her to take her meds? That to me seems to be one of the main issues.)
I don't think any of this could (or should) be done behind SIL's and H's back.
SIL is addicted to blabbing all the oxygen out of the room 4x a day. MIL loves the attention, despite her protests to the contrary.
The bottom line? SIL having her compromised hubby and her compromised mother in her home is a no-go. Will. Not. Happen.
The novelty of SIL’s & BIL’s long(ish)-term visits at Big Momma’s in Florida — where there’s nothing to take care of except Big Momma — is one thing. For SIL to host this on her turf is a whole different beast. And it ain’t happening.
SIL comes by her lack of self-awareness honestly (ahem). But she does know this much: shepherding hubby AND having what’s left of her routines and social outlets upended; vacations eliminated indefinitely; permanently unable to dog-sit for jet-setting brats; etc... cannot and will not happen.
When is the the last time MIL visited her daughter in Illinois? Decades ago, right? Fast-forward to now. Always-difficult MIL is that much more recalcitrant. That much more unhealthy. Literally cannot put one foot in front of the other.
Yet one day MIL is going to “come to her senses” and pack her old azz and her old dog on a plane? No no no no no.
SIL and MIL are permanently wrapped up in this loop. It IS their relationship. Take away the round-robin horsepuckey, and what else do this mother and daughter talk about? NOTHING.
If SIL were truly “directing from afar” all these years, MIL would have effective (professional) support. This can be arranged and (mostly) managed from a distance. Check out Golden23’s posts, if you don’t believe me.
SIL is simply stirring the pot. She learned from the master, and it manifests differently, but that’s all SIL is doing. The more SIL’s jaw moves up and down, the more she’s convinced she’s the hero.
Truth is, SIL is in love with the sound of her own voice. And woe to anyone who isn’t as in love with SIL’s voice as she is.
Now SIL has embraced the role of a lifetime: The 60-something woman who frets about her ailing 80-something mother who lives halfway across the country. And the family who live close to Big Momma just aren’t doing enough.
Well, they are doing enough. But they aren’t. Cuz it’s not how SIL would do it. Never mind that SIL can’t (won’t) do it.
Oh but SIL appreciates her bro & Dorker & their adult daughters SO much. Even tho they aren’t doing it the right way. Meaning SIL’s way. But no! That’s not what she meant. Yap yap yap yap yap.
What a piece of work.
"Long waiting lists for Medicaid waivers in Florida." Yes. And no one's done a thing to even begin to look into this.
"People, the only option that DH, SIL, MIL want is FREE DORKER SERVITUDE." Of course, because it was working so well (for everyone BUT Dorker)! I think they would have stopped short of Dorker's 24/7 in-home slavery for MIL in her house, and at that point it would have been 24/7 slavery in Dorker's house in The Yellow Bedroom.
People's opinions are so different on this thread. There are those who say let MIL be, she's chosen her life; let's keep eyes on the sky for that cloud to take her away. (I'm in this camp.)
And then there are those who are disgusted and mention elder abuse, and go so far as saying posters are encouraging elder abuse because they are supporting Dorker's now limited involvement. I think they actually think that all of MIL's wants and whims should be met by someone (Dorker?), and the entire board gets chastised because somehow the responsibility for this elder is someone else's, rather than MIL being responsible for herself. And MIL *is* responsible for herself, as she has not been declared incompetent.
(And, as far as abuse goes, to condone MIL going to live with SIL the way MIL verbally abuses SIL, is just plain wrong. There are TWO vulnerable adults -- just because MIL is 88 does not mean that she gets to rule the roost! SIL should not allow MIL to insult H; H is more important than MIL, because he is her SPOUSE.)
So much magical thinking going on in this thread.
I think bottom line - the old bird is making her decisions, her children are leaving her to it. Let them.
Dorker - you are gracious and kind with your commitment each week to your MIL. God bless you.
I remain, kinda .. in my own mind, .. not real clear on which direction is more appropriate. But she needs some other kind of care, besides having to load her up and go to .. get this folks .. not kidding, 14 different docs she sees .. 14, count em! Not all at one time, but throughout the year .. and more than once. It's BEYOND ridiculous, for someone who struggles to even get dressed!
It's a whole different perspective that SIL sees/experiences when here, than the reality that is experienced when she is not here. SIL, when here .. can prod mom along, she is here, she prepares whatever for b'fast and feeds the dog, lets the dog out and in .. and prods her mom along, to keep at it, with the b'fast .. time of the essence here (remember MIL's time management skills these days .. sorely lacking) .. she .. here in attendance, can and does do all that .. keep things moving forward and get her mom prodded to get dressed, helping her even, to get her shoes and socks on, so forth ....
This is what goes on when SIL is here ... in attendance.
Now what goes on when SIL is not here, as to getting herself ready to go anywhere? QUITE THE OPPOSITE. There's no one there to prod things along, unless Dorker goes the two hours early, as I did last week, to prod things along. MIL responsible for getting her dog in and out, feeding her dog, preparing something to eat for b'fast .. and her muddling along ever so slowly (as she is with most everything) thru her b'fast . and then muddling along ever so slowly to now take said dishes to the sink for washing, .. now muddling along ever so slowly (and usually by this time, she's missed the mark on time management .. and is now running late, but that concept lost on her, and of no concern, as time management is lost on her) .. muddling along now, to go get dressed for the day which will also be an ever so slow process.
Once the above is all done and seen to, .. she is exhausted .. and spent and wishing like HELL she didn't have to go anywhere, too tired ... and she IS too tired, that's a fact.
So .. it's my assertion MIL needs a different kinda care at this point, than going to docs .. and if at least the PCP can be one that is seeing her, at her home, or a PA of that group . all the better. Don't know what's done about the 13 other docs she sees routinely ... what the hey? I don't know.
I don't have a clear enough comprehension and understanding of it all myself to really be knowledgeable and provide accurate guidance, unfortunately.
Seems to me the Palliative care route .. as I kinda read about it .. she is still gonna need to get dressed to go to the brick and mortar site for said care ..
Yes, that would provide for her, .. some much needed psycho-social engagement as to helping her to come to grips (something I think she sorely needs someone to help her comprehend and understand and wear it/live it) ..that walker, it's liikely not gonna go away and the day return that you'll see yourself using a cane that also eventually goes in the trash .. that ship has sailed ... you are likely gonna be on a walker .. for the rest of your days . and maybe if you''re lucky and you work at it .. you won't end up in a wheelchair, but that's kinda where this is going .... (hate to be so harsh .. but that's what I see). This unrealistic view she has that she tells anyone who will listen .. "I hope to one day be able to throw this walker in the trash .. and the cane too, if I can get there, and take my little doggie for walks and go to the grocery on my own ...", it's not realistic. Someone that would help her sort thru and "own" the fact that her life is probably past that point .. would be, at least in my opinion, enormously helpful. Let's get on the reality train here..
Palliative care sounds like that would .. at least encompass some of providing a social worker, to help one come to grips with their condition. And to work within the realms of what that condition entails and what her goals are. Sounds precisely what she needs, at least in MO.
But .. there are no . not that I've found doing searches where I live .. Palliative Care physicians that do home visits. She'd still find herself being carted around to do so. ..
Then comes the other end of that argument .. the visiting physicians .. for her PCP .. they come to you, with lab tests, and exams, etc. That sounds perfect .. (but doesn't answer to the other 13 docs she sees).
I need a crystal ball myself to have a clearer direction in which to try to persuade things. I need a clearer understanding myself.
As to Barb's suggestion .. I love it. Gonna continue to try to push an agenda with MIL (not with SIL, I rarely talk MIL's case with SIL anymore, if at all) .... if I can get MIL on board for a change in course ... I will do just as Barb pointed out, .. turn SIL on her ear, with a discussion of, "and what are your plans for evacuation here of your mom, hurricane season starts here in two weeks, got that all figured out?".
Very telling that the last time SIL was in town, before MIl took her nasty spill ... SIL had her in the road daily .. for varying doc appts., one of those was a stress test, at the cardio doc.
WTH??!?!?!?!?
I remember asking SIl at the time, .. "why ..?!?!?.... what are they gonna do if they find something wrong .. she's no candidate for a heart cath or any other procedure .. why even subject her to that".
Interesting to note that MIL . when we were there the other day and her on that perch about "I'm just not gonna run to docs all the time .. ya know, they'd have you in their office all the time and for what ... there isn't a magical pill they can give me .. I'm not doing it", this with regard to her having cancelled this week's appt with the cardio doc.
I said to her, "yes I agree with you .. in fact, when your daughter was here, I questioned why in the world they were subjecting you to a stress test, .. you are in no way a candidate for any procedure of any sort, should they find something wrong .. that's not anything that even needs to be on the radar any longer".
MIL answering that, "I long ago quit with colonoscopies and mammograms and that kinda thing .. I just figure I've lived my life, and something is gonna take is all outta here ... I'm not gonna spend every week of my life going to a different doctor and some procedure, test .. there's nothing they can do".
She VERY MUCH SO needs things to be a lot more simplified .. a LOT MORE.
She sees her dermo doc, obviously for skin cancers (thus far .. she's had several .. squamous cell type ... so does everyone else that lives in FL all their lives). She sees her Podiatrist for some kinda bunion/callous thing that grows on the bottom of her foot and has to be whittled away at periodically .. she sees the eye doc for some hystioplasmosis thing as well as vision checks . she sees a cardio doc (when she'll go) .. to follow the CHF .. she sees a neuro doc for her neuropathy and stroke issues .. and I don't know what else, .. the list goes on and on.
It needs to be way way scaled back .. and simplified . this is a person who struggles to even put clothes on and be able to function .. yet we're to haul her around to all these specialties.
And yes on the med management issue .. no .. Palliative care isn't going to address that, but neither will a visiting physician group . there is no way to address that, short of live-in help to hound/cajole/push/prod, etc., daily. And we know that's not gonna happen.
There is no adequate way for that to be managed unfortunately .. it's just gonna be a given that she isn't compliant with her meds .. to her own detriment.
As to SIL's situation .. her husband did suffer a minor stroke last summer, while she was here taking care of MIL, him home in IL. He went the gamut of intensive PT and .. for the most part, it's not even evident anything happened. Since then, he has had some issue with his leg .. painful area .. and a limp and the use of a cane and that is being investigated .. they don't know for sure what's happened, pinched nerve, .. not sure, and a myriad of other things he's followed for .. as well as the ever present bipolar disorder.
SIL also at this time, .. getting her own PT .. for some mysterious thing with her shoulder, .. I guess she developed a painful stiff shoulder and so PT for that. As well as seeing to her numerous doc/dentist appts she missed in her lengthy stay here to nurse MIL back to health from MIL's fall.
Her son is to visit from abroad with family .. coming up in June. Yes they are slated to fly down to FL .. for almost a week, . .son and family and SIL in tow (SIL's husband not coming).
Yes, hurricane season starts June 1, .. shouldn't we be overlapping some coverage here with the fact that MIL needs to be taken to IL .. for hurricane season .. yet I've heard not a word about it. I haven't asked .. does no good.
As was pointed out here, I doubt it will ever come to fruition.
SIL wants her cake and eat it too .....
Yes she comes here and when she does, nobody can accuse her of being lazy and a no-good do nothing. Far from it. She comes here, and she walks on water as to all things MIL and her dog, and her house ..and her car and any other thing one can possibly think of.
Then she goes home, to dog sit for her jet setting daughter .. and .. then... I suppose the flexibility to live her life as she chooses .. and direct from afar .. as to how she'd like her mom's life to look on this end .. and all the better if Dorker would do the steppin and fetchin for it all, which I did do for a long while.
Gives lip service to getting her mom to come stay with her, in IL .. but then doesn't push it when MIL balks and MIL DOES BALK.
So .. yes .. it's my opinion, MIL's care needs to change course at this point. Whether that's Palliataive Care or whether it's at home visiting physicians, .. is not real clear to me, in my own rudimentary understanding of her needs vs the provisions of each option.
MIL . that ship has sailed as to light meal prep .. and so forth .. she is no more capable of that than one of my g'kids .. that's not gonna happen .. she wouldn't benefit at all from someone helping to teach her light meal prep. On a good day she can do it, .. scramble an egg for herself, make a small pot of grits .. maybe .. but those "good days" she is capable of that, are so few and far between .. it's kinda a mute point to even take that as a consideration of her needs.
Light housekeeping by some service under the Palliative Care umbrella . she already has a housekeeper, that's not something she needs.
She sees, presently, for her PCP .. a doctor that is .. oh I dunno .. he has a side thing going there, where he has a strong focus on nutrition and skin care .. he is located in a nice office complex (single story offices) and he has a side office, .. that has been set up as his nutrition and skin care business .. so he can .. no matter what .. if you have a little place on your skin .. he can recommend you go visit the little shop next door and they can help you, .. if your lab results come back that you're low on magnesium or iron . if you are underweight/overweight .. he has a powdered shake .. all that kinda thing. Probably a place for that kinda thing, in the right circumstance, .. but not necessarily so good at addressing geriatric issues. She really liked the PA of that office, thus stayed there (not so much the physician). But that PA has moved on, to somewhere else. Thus there has been agreement .. at least in the fact she needs to change PCP.
Since there is at least agreement on that front .. seems to me .. if there's any hope of getting her to change course and go in a different direction, at least that hurdle has been crossed off the list.
It's gonna have to come in the form, of getting HER on board . not SIL .. not DH .. HER! If I can get her to agree .. then .. I've got something to work with.
Will continue to kinda look into and read about the different directions one could take all this and see what I can do to educate myself, so I can better try to persuade/cajole/push, prod, etc.
However, our visiting doc service just sends a nurse practitioner out to do basic wellness checks to renew current meds. If there's a trip to a specialist, the visiting nurse can draw blood at home to check to see how it's working. She can remove needs from the RX list if mil no longer wants them. If a person is not in a facility, it costs us $25 visit fee. Rest is Medicare.
I don't care to face any hashing and rehashing and argument and dial down and pick thru that will come from the corner with SIL, or the "obstinence" of DH with his "oh that's great, she's already a virtual shut in .. let's bring docs to her, she'll never have any activity at all".
Yea you jerk,.. when's the last time YOU loaded her into a car to even go ANYWHERE.
I don't care to fight that battle .. I've fought enough battles with all these people. It's not mine to fight.
So there is a part of me, that looks at the above and options and just thinks, screw it. She's not gonna take her meds, that's a given .. and no way at all to address that, nor should we .. any of us .. she's thought to be competent.
She is in danger and peril allowed to remain in her home, but that too, I'm low on the totem pole as to any input in that decision.
She's not gonna eat properly .. we've discussed that here ad nauseum ... she's not gonna go to doc appts .. it's too hard for her to do ...
There is a part of me, that just wants to just say screw it, I don't care.
This isn't my mom, and any input I provide usually is met with resistance and/or picking apart and dialing down on and argument of the finer points .. and so screw it.
It's a conundrum for sure.
I'm going to where I can be effective today (tomorrow will be the day for dealing with MIL) .. but today I'm going to get my 4 yo g'daughter and bring her here to swim in the pool and she enjoys my input .. and my participation in her life .. and I her's.
So there's that .............
There's a good chance that MIL will see social worker visits as unnecessary. Remember, she cancels appointments and in-home visits right and left.
I applaud you, Dorker, for how you have stepped back and maintained those boundaries. I do think that getting involved beyond a cursory "here's a brochure" action is just stepping into it again. It seems like when all is said and done, it really won't be cutting down on MIL's doctor visits much at all.
MIL is living the life she wants, and SIL and H are supporting her in that decision. Remember that. She is NOT your mother. You CAN'T care more than they do. Or, if you do, then what else can you do but return to MILcare and the steppin' and a fetchin'?
There is a Visiting Physician group one can sign on for .. and they do visit the home, but doesn't appear they have any dialed down specialty of "Palliative" or "Geriatric" per se.
Has to be, .. one might presume .. if they are "visiting physicians" that come to you .. the presumption would be they are specifically geared for those who suffer from varying ailments that limit their mobility to get out and go to a doctor .. thus their specialty, to come to you. But it doesn't really specify in their info that they are geared at geriatrics or palliative care.
And you bring up a valid point, just how much do I want to step into the role of being the one to see to doc appts .. and social worker visits. I don't.
I am interested in my Thursday visits and what I can do in that arena alone ...
If she has a doc appt that day - fine - let's go.
If she needs her bed sheets changed that day and laundered, let's do it
If she needs me to go get a few groceries for her, fine .. got it, done
If she needs me to pick up some dog need on my way - no problem, got it
If she needs me to sort thru and dispose of old stuff in a junk drawer, got it
Any number of things she might come up with needing assistance with on my designated Thursdays .. for the most part, .. I'm a-okay with it ..
Outside of that, no I'm not.
Look no further than when she approached to ask if I'd take her to that knee appt .. which was on a Thursday and I answered affirmatively and did so. She also mentioned at that same time, having the next week .. a Tuesday appt .. but prefaced that she'd contact the church lady as to transport. Didn't dispute or argue that point with her, as I had no interest in stepping up to meet that add'l need, .. sounded fine by me, .. yes ... call the church lady. Turns out she didn't, . had no interest in going .. and cancelled appt.
So that is a very good point to consider as it's all weighed out.
I guess if I'm going to go on the (delusion) assumption that was sold to me, at SIL's departure .. there is a "team" of supposed helpers here .. and so Dorker's assertion she isn't any longer willing to be the stepper/fetcher in it all, .. not a problem, we have a "team" now in place ..
It's a delusion. One that SIL comforts herself with, from afar. One that DH . comforts himself with, from his seat on the sidelines.
It's my opinion .. (and that's all it is, my opinion) .. as long as Dorker will step and fetch to all things "need" with regard to MIL .. be that the numerous doc visits for the varying issues/specialties .. MIL will struggle thru and go ...as long as Dorker will arrive two hours early to prod things along and then even icing on the cake if Dorker will agree to go to lunch out somewhere, and wow .. cherries and sprinkles on top if Dorker will make a few stops along the way for other needed incidentals . and if that can occur at Dorker's behest .. no matter how much the frequency .. then MIL will somehow struggle thru and see to said appts ..
Absent Dorker's willingness to do so .. it doesn't get seen to.
Sure she called upon YD for her dog vet visit and that was seen to. Sure she has allowed, .. (which is big for her) ... the church ladies to come and visit and she didn't refuse to answer the door, as she once would've.
But I've yet to see any other step n fetcher .. begin doing so, in it all.
And at the root of all that, is her decision to stay firmly entrenched in her home, no matter the pitfalls of that decision. She has every right to make that decision .. she's not thought to be incompetent to do so.
So you go there, with DD . who has slated time to cut her hair .. and DD finds evidence she's not eating .. that gets thrown up on the radar .. and directive from Afar and a bunch of hullabaloo about it all.
You go there and find the edema at issue .. very much so ..
So be it .. her choice, to not take her meds .. she's thought to be competent.
Her dog is ailing and in need of a vet visit .. and the soonest it can be seen to, is 3 days later ... so be it. Her choice to remain in her home .. with this "supposed" team that has been called to action (yea right).
So do I want to sign on for now being the one to cart her around to a different doc, even though it's labeled Palliative Care .. no .. I don't. I will do so on a Thursday .. for sure .. I try not to put limitations that are just assinine and ridiculous around what I will do for her, on my slated time there... so as to be of genuine "help" and not an obstinate dug in .. stubborn cuss that wants to put up hindrance to what she needs.
There are limits to what I'll do... I'm not a yard person .. .don't look to me to go dig up the weeds in the garden and spread mulch .. not my deal .. not something I'm gonna do. Not gonna do any real housework for her, there is a housekeeper for that .. there are in fact limits to what my participation will be on those Thursdays .. but not many. I will do many things she needs help with in that time frame, so as to be of genuine help with what her needs are. BUT . only on that allotted time frame.
Will she, if signed on with some Palliative Care specialist at a brick and mortar site where she also now has to go to meet with social worker periodically .. will she deploy any of this "supposed" team to get transport. Not likely, no. Are church ladies going to arrive two hours in advance to prod things along .. I seriously doubt they would wanna sign on for that gig on any kinda routine basis.
You bring up a very good point to consider .. as I do know .. I don't care to step into that role ever again.
Yes, as some have accused here, that leaves a frail/compromised, elderly woman in her home and needs not met. Is that my fault? No, it isn't. She is thought to be competent .. so it's her fault ..
If I think about it too long it makes my blood boil. There was a time that the approach was thought to be that SIL would be selling her home up north .. it was said they don't wanna be in their 70's up there dealing with a cold climate and shoveling snow ..
I guess that ship sailed .. shoveling snow, no longer any consideration .
They were to have, that was the approach for a long long time .. sold their home and moved down this way .. to be of assistance to aging parents.
I get it. Things change. They no longer wish to uproot from their lives and their location .. things change.
But that doesn't mean that somehow MIL is "capable and competent and fine". She isn't.
But it's not my fault they don't seem to possess the capability to step up and make needed changes in her circumstances, nor is it my fault she is unwilling to do so.
Some careful consideration as I weigh it all out, as to pushing/prodding MIL as to a change in direction of her doc situation.
I just googled the non profit Hospice I used for my elders. They offer Pallative Care.
There are no brick and mortar Pallative Care Office involved.
You might check for Pallative Care thru a really good non profit Hospice in your area.
Those comments from others were way out of line. I didn't agree at all (neither did others).
I am (again) reminded of the parallel between elders like MIL and mentally ill people. MIL won't take her meds, and neither will some people with schizophrenia or bipolar. Remember the all-important civil rights, which are the civil rights of the illness in the case of mental illness. People "die with their rights on." That's what the law of the land is. As long as someone is deemed mentally competent (which MIL is), then she is captain of her own ship. And she continually exerts this self-determination when she cancels doctor appointments and in-home PT, visiting nurse, etc. She doesn't want these interventions. Why would anyone call it abuse to let her live her life as she wants? Why would anyone think she should be catered to with endless steppin' and fetchin'?
But, honey, you're OUT. Only Thursdays. Only THURDSAYS. You're getting sucked back into the vortex, so slowly you don't even see it. You are back to obsessing over MIL's life, not your own.
MIL isn't going to get on board with Palliative Care. What's the fun if you can't huff and puff your way to the drs on a weekly basis? And her PCP sounds like a shark. Selling "non FDA approved supplements"--that's actually walking a fine line into being illegal.
MIL needs a geriatric doc. ONE. Who won't take her crap. One who has seen it all and isn't fazed by ornery old ladies.
Whether said dr will make house calls, not likely.
You KNOW that every word you utter is dutifully related to SIL and hashed over and then scrutinized and probably dismissed, as it wasn't SIL's idea.
Can you possibly sit still long enough to see you simply HAVE to call time of death on this fruitless search for changing MIL's perception? Just do Thursday. Let ANY issues that fall on any other day be nothing but noise in the background. I know it goes against your grain and heart, but really, truly--MIL is going to be just exactly the same as she was from post #1.
I'd be snarky enough to text SIL and say "Hey, Hurricane season is now simply weeks away. I'm going to make airline travel arrangements for MIL and doggie. I hope you have a lovely 4 month stay with her. She's SO much more compromised now we are really thrilled to know she will be under your wing for all that time".
But, that's me. And I am known to be snarky at times. Mother wanted to see her beloved brother one more time before she dies. I said, "Oh that's super doable. Non stop 90 minute flight into Medford, a Holiday Inn less than a mile from Uncle D's--I can rent a car and we can stay a couple of days." Had my laptop out and started the process of buying tickets and she freaked out!!! She didn't REALLY want to go, she wanted the SYMPATHY of being too old, sick and impaired to travel. Methinks MIL and SIL are all talk about this move for Hurricane Season.
Doesn't mean you can't make the arrangements and simply send her to SILs.
My heart just aches for you on a daily basis. You are still trying so hard to change that which will never. ever. change.
Wish I could give you peace....you really need a break from this whole family.
And quote her this Bible verse that I saw on another thread...it is SO appropriate!
“Very truly, I tell you, when you were younger, you used to fasten your own belt and go wherever you wished. But when you grow old, you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will fasten a belt around you and take you where you do not wish to go.” John 21:18
The flight attendant might have to help MIL put that seatbelt on, but then up, up and away she goes, along with Precious Poochy!
(Of course, if MIL doesn't want to go, I don't really know how anyone could drag her kicking and screaming onto the plane.)