I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
I do think, at times, of asking SIL .. "...so what's the plan, hurricane season approaches ...???".
We all know, (and I'm on that page myself) .. just because the kick off to hurricane season commences June 1, .. that doesn't mean we all need to run for cover and hunker down for six months forward. Nope. Doesn't work that way.
In fact, .. it may not even be a threat at all, until a couple of months into hurricane season (if any threat ever comes .. and sometimes .. we go decades with no threat at'all). So we all know, June 1 ... doesn't really mean anything to get hopping up and down excited about.
But certainly there should be some dialogue ongoing .. and if there is, I'm not privy to it. I haven't asked .. (probably don't wanna hear the answer).
That too, .. it doens't matter really .. if there is "threat" .. color me gone. The only thing I DO HAVE A PROBLEM WITH .. as regards the whole scenario is that I would like to reserve the right to stay put in my own home and without the care of a feeble elderly mother in law and her feeble elderly dog. If a threat of any storm does come up .. and sometimes the variation in that threat can be anything from .. oh gee, this is FL .. we weather worse than that in daily storms ... all the way to the other end of the spectrum .. *run for your life and hunker down*, and anything in between.
Obviously the latter end of that spectrum, I'm outta here .............
But anything short of that, I'd like to know that I can stay in my own home .. if I so choose, but not at the cost of weathering it with care of an elderly and her pet.
So if she isn't gonna go (and I doubt she will be going anywhere .. she can't even get ready to get dressed for the day .. much less go get on a plane) ... if she is gonna stay put .. that means one thing to me.... I have to plan on being gone ... whether I wanna be or not.
And that part, ... I am not liking.
So .. I have thought about sending out a call to SIL .. in a snarky tone, "so gonna go ahead and pay for MIL's reservation on a plane .. what day works best for you".
(I'm here to tell ya, .. that will be met with the fact she wants to 'fly' WITH her mom .. so as to make sure poochy gets on board and leashed appropriately and handled, as well as any carry on luggage and paperwork for poochy in case that should be an issue .. ). My going and thinking I'm gonna be snarky and just buy a plane reservation and call SIL, .. "hey got it paid for, and done, .. your mom will arrive on "x" date and at "x" time .. aren't you thankful, one less thing for you to worry with".
Naaaat gonna happen that way. She's gonna want to FLY WITH HER MOTHER and poochy.
And CTTN55, you're so right .. if she doesn't wanna go .. it aint gonna happen. Nobody is gonna tie her up and throw her over their shoulder and take her kicking and screaming.
TELL SIL, don't "ask if it's OK"...crap, she's been telling you what to do for 16+ years, not "asking" TELLING. Time for you to TELL HER that you absolutely cannot and will not put MIL up for the hurricane season and deal with that mess again. Period.
IMHO there is far too much hemming and hawing over every single decision. This is simple. On June 4th, MIL flies to IL. If that's inconvenient for SIL, gee whiz, what a shame. SIL says she wants her mother to be there. Call her on it. Ship her out!
And frankly, would MIL CARE all that much where she is as long as she has poochy?
I know I just said you need to be less involved, but I think this might work. Stuff earplugs in your ears and ignore the outcry from DH and SIL. Just do it.
Maybe get a little something for MIL's nerves for the day of the flight. Most people on the plane are pretty lubed up with antianxiety meds. I know I am.
Yeah, I can be snarky, but I think if you allow the twirling and fussing to keep on, you'll find yourself in July or August hosting once again, the angriest woman on earth. OR DH will be alone with her.
I guess you should run this by DH, but honestly? He seems SO checked out, he'd probably back you up.
How sweet would it be to have not one, but MANY days of no phone calls blowing up your line, DH and you could actually have a conversation that doesn't turn into a fight. You can live your own life.....your job will pick up later in the summer and you can enjoy that and the g-kids......(yep, I'm kind of bribing you).
Give it some thought. Of course MIL will be mad, but she's always mad. What's the diff if she's mad in IL or mad in FL?
I happen to know that SIL's grown son and fam .. they arrive about mid June thru mid July for a stay here .. and their 3 kids .. and it's too much for MIL .. to be around 3 high maintenance kids (these are kids who live a life of opulence in the foreign country where they reside, .. hired help a lot less expensive than it is here, .. nannies/drivers, etc .. they arrive here and SIL becomes above, (her choice). Too much chaos to have MIL and a small needy dog, and 3 kids who are high maintenance.
The himming and hawing you speak of, see above. There ya go, prime example.
They depart to return to Abu Dhabi .. about mid July. Part of their stay in the states is going to, this time, encompass a flight (all of them, sans SIL's husband) here to FL for a brief stay of a week. Then they return to IL and from there return to Abu Dhabi.
One might would think there's been some dialogue .. around the above and the departure of MIL for exiting the state of FL, in advance of hurricane season. There's been none.
Right now, I'm sure the focus is looking forward to seeing g'kids she never sees (SIL).
Oh if only ... cannot even imagine how much that would upset the apple cart to just go on willy nilly and purchase a flight .. at will .. for whatever date that I think appropriate .. too dang bad .. get over it. Good GRIEF!!!!!!!!! The chaos under that roof would be palpable.
Oh well .....
Edited to note that hurricane season .. while the start of same, is marked as June 1 .. I have never, having lived here all my life had any experience of anything treacherous that early .. it's later in the summer things get cranky.
I'm only thinking of services available, to assist your MIL and you, to give her every advantage at a independent and healthy life, and provide you some much needed assistance.
PACE programs are available in every state, although some states call it the LIFE program. Its definitely worth checking out for both Florida and Illinois too, as whoever is looking out for her, is going to eventually need all the help they can get, given her and her Childrens refusal to going into ASSISTED Living. What do you have to lose, checking into these types of programs, as eventually Something might just appeal to those looking out for her.
Unfortunately, the communication in this family Sucks, and I just don't understand why everyone tiptoes around the obvious, as she needs more care! Time to get Snarky, IMO! Your life and Feelings Matter too Worker!
I'm sure SIL would love to be able to fly to where they live and spend some time with them, in add'n to what they put together to come here. But thus far, SIL's world and her travel includes coming to FL .. to care for her mom.
SIL did go a few years back .. when they lived in some location in Indonesia .. and she and her husband went there for 3 weeks. But she hasn't been back to any of their locations since .. MIL's health .. seems SIL can only travel to FL .. to care for her mom.
And yes, I realize that's SIL's choice. SIL could also push an agenda to see her mom placed in AL. She doesn't choose to do so.
Staceyb, haven't heard of PACE or LIFE programs, but will look it up, just curious as to what it is.
www.elderaffairs.state.fl.us/doea/pace.php
The recipient must be Medicaid-eligible, so someone (H? SIL?) would have to get all of the paperwork for that in order. (There does appear to be a private-pay option, but we know that won't work for MIL.)
Many services are delivered through adult day care centers. Would MIL refuse to participate in that?
" PACE also has a unique service delivery system, with many services being delivered through adult day care centers and case management provided by multi-disciplinary teams."
Dorker, maybe, as a tactic, YOU should start blowing UP SIL's phone with long texts about Medicaid eligibility in FL or IL, the possibility of a neighbor calling APS and getting "the family in trouble for leaving a vulnerable elder alone", medical neglect. The danger of the upcoming hurricane season....and on and on and on.
No need to be snarky, just truthful about the danger that SHE, idiot SIL (and DH) is placing her mother in by not staging a family meeting to say to MIL "Mom, WE can't do this anymore. You need more care than we can give you".
I don't care HOW stubborn she is. If SIL had taken her to the cardio doc or the PCP (who sounds VERY shady to me) and explained what was going on, the doctor would most likely have been mandated to call APS and thus forced the family (AND MIL's ) hand in getting her placed/
Yes, we all know SIL doesn't want to do this.
Does SIL/MIL REALLY want the State of Florida to file for emergency guardianship?
Oh honey, you could blow up her phone real good, if you had a mind to.
Just something to keep in your back pocket.
http://www.flpace.org/index.html A bit here about PACE; not just Medicaid eligible, it seems.
Was reading some on the program and it sounds like a good .. pretty inclusive program to help elderly to stay engaged/active, setting for some socialization .. and whatever other services they might benefit from, PT, for instance. Sounds like a great program for an elderly that wishes to/strives to .. stay engaged with the world at large and participatory in same.
Not really the case with MIL. She is fine to be cloistered away in her home. Isolating yes .. but it's her preference. Depression .. ???...is there maybe some depression that is treatable .. at play in it all, ..??...who knows ... I wouldn't doubt it. Is it something she would address and discuss openly with a physician .. not a chance. That's "one more pill" that she'd have to take, and wouldn't. I don't even think it's a matter that "oh that depression thing, that's only for those loonies you see on the street corners talking to street signs .. no that's not me". No, I don't even think she's that backwards as to mental health, and so that's not it. Maybe some depression there .. but .. it's one more pill and she .. as we all know, .. she aint compliant with all that .. pills. Not much of anything really.
So for her to partake of what sounds like a really great program .. she'd have to literally get on a mode of transport, we know she isn't gonna cooperate there .. and she'd actually have to "go" to a site where there are others .. and participate at said site. We know she aint gonna do that either.
It's all so .. oh I don't know .. a situation that one really should throw up their hands and just be disgusted with.
I know all cases are as different as the people that live it. But talking with YD .. her b'friend's g'ma lives local here and they had all joined the other day to take the 93 yo g'ma (lives alone) out to lunch the other day. YD telling me ... "ya know, .. his g'ma is 93 yo .. she has some mobility issues .. she uses a cane that she's forever misplacing .. and she moves slow too ... but .. she has friends that she goes to lunch with .. she still drives .. at least some . during day hours only .. she gets together with a neighborhood group to play cards once a week, she goes out and goes to church on Sundays .. she is a lot more involved than my g'ma ... and she's 5 years older!".
Here here!
As I said to YD of the above (struggling to come to grips with it all myself) "everybody's different".
MIL could do a lot more than she does, to help her own case .. thus I say, it's a situation one should rightfully throw up their hands in disgust.
Thus I limit my exposure to it, by going there once weekly. But somehow it creeps into my hemisphere the whole thing .. if not daily then close to it.
Her calling here last night, a good for instance. It was 9 PM .. I was in the shower, the phone ringing and ringing and ringing (land line) and yes we all have cell phones .. if no one answers the landline .. might be an indication to call a cell phone. But no, guess not. I was in the shower, heard the phone . ringing and ringing and ringing and ringing . whoever it was .. persistent. I didn't hop outta the shower, figured I'd take a gander when I got out .. (and no I don't have voice mail attached to my home phone, that's on purpose .. I have a cell phone and most anyone I know that needs to reach me, that I wanna talk to anyway . if they can't get me .. they can call my cell and leave a message .. otherwise .. it's probably someone I don't even care to talk to, thus the caller is given no opportunity to leave a message via my landline).
When I did get out of the shower and dry off and get dressed, I ck'd the phone. Sure enough, it had been MIL calling. I didn't call her back .. remember my approach anymore is to let DH be the gatekeeper to answering her queries.
Made my way to the front end of the house and found DH .. don't know where he was that he hadn't answered it. Told him that his mother had called and that it rang and rang and rang, but I'd been in the shower. At that, he tried to call her back ... it rang and rang and rang on her end, .. (she does have voice mail) but her voice mail doesn't kick in if she's on the other line, what you'll hear if she's on the other line is not a busy tone but it just rings and rings into infinity and the voice mail doesn't kick in .. (she has call waiting, but hasn't ever learned to use it .. even though she's been shown countless times how to do so). She doesn't click over if she's on the phone and someone else calls.
He tried to call her back and it just rang into infinity. Good indication she is on the phone with someone. As DH stated it, "probably talking to my sister".
He tried her again in a little while, and did reach her, ..she needs him to come .. has a clogged toilet that is about to overflow in her master bathroom. Heard him tell her that he will get there tomorrow (which is now today) but it won't be first thing in the morning .. as he has somewhere else to be .. and that he'd get there before the day ends .. but that she should use the guest bath .. since it's toilet is functional. Heard him repeat that again .. 3 x's . I guess she was struggling to comprehend/process .. or maybe hoping he'd come right straight away .. who knows . heard him repeat it 3 x's to her, "no mom, I can't come first thing I have to be at _______________ at 8 AM .. I will come before the day ends . but it won't be first thing". Him repeating that over and over.
He finally, I guess, got his point across and he hung up ..kinda tossed the phone in disgust .. and said out loud how addled she sounded and frazzled. I guess, disgusted that would addle and frazzle her. I guess ..one expects to find you frazzled if someone has died, if your dog has gotten out and no one has retrieved him .. if the back half of your house has fallen off .. .but maybe not so much when it's a toilet that's clogged and you have another functional toilet you can utilize. He was just kinda disgusted .. and you have to know also, he's been there 3 x's in the last week or so, with yard irrigation issues working to resolve that, as well as our visit there on Mother's Day to just visit/have lunch and now this.
He said out loud, "I'm so ready for her to go to sister's .. I'm sick of taking care of that house . it's always something".
Then this morning, .. he checks his cell to find that SIL had texted him last night. Guess who MIL was on the phone with, when she'd called the landline here and reached no one .. SIL, that's who. So SIL had then fired off a text to DH to prompt action on this end, that MIL had tried to reach him and couldn't .. and so .. could he put that on his to-do list .. to go by there and take care of that.
DH has a cell phone .. our phone nos, . all of us .. are on the fridge in her kitchen a list. She calls him on his cell usually .. so not sure why she rang and rang the landline here .. and having gotten no answer, .. then fired off a phone call to her daughter 1K miles away .. why not just call his cell. Simple. Whatever, old folks!
Also as a side note here .. I do know . don't quite have any clear understanding of it all .. but it does sound like MIL is approved ... on some list somewhere .. as Medicaid ..???....not sure .. but they are "waiting for funding". Whatever that means.
And as to the issue of what will SIL do when here with her son and his family .. won't she be servicing taking care of her mom. I truly don't know. I know the son and his family are looking into accommodations here locally (not staying with me, nor with MIL) .. and if I know SIL she will be with the son and his family enjoying their FL vacation, and her g'kids. I don't think this visit will be all about waving bye to them as they take off for parts of FL to be enjoyed .. as she slaves away at her mom's. But I don't know what precisely the plan is. I haven't asked.
MIL: I know what I need to do and I will do it. Somehow I will manage.
I am going out there today and I will drop a question into the air: "So MIL .. ya know, hurricane season starts here in a week or so, you and SIL working on a plan to exit the state?".
I'm quite sure I will hear her say in response,"I'm not going anywhere .. that's SIL .. you know her, she gets all these plans ..doesn't mean I have to cooperate .. I'm not going any where, I will stay right here and I will be just fine".
Was talking to DH on that whole topic last night and he (who is all talk, little action unless it's Mr. Fixxit stuff) .. says of the above premise, "oh hell no.. she is GOING TO SISTER's .. I will be putting in a call to sister to let her know, she IS NOT staying here this time .. she is going to not be here ... !!!!....".
I laughed, .. and what are you gonna do when your sister tells you, "H I can't make her do anything anymore than you can, what do you want me to do, tie her up and throw her over my shoulder and drag her onto the plane kicking and screaming .. I can't do that".
(remember tho .. he who is of little action, mostly talk when the water hits the wheel, the path of least resistance, and peace at all costs .. I take little stock in his bravado and so forth)
His response to above: "well I'm gonna let sister know then .. she maintains she will stay right there in her house, she's not leaving .. she's not going anywhere ... and she's already said she will never come here again .. have at it ... stay your azz home then, I'm not fighting with her .. she can stay there then!".
I responded to that, ".. and you know what that will bring, your sister will be blowing your phone up all over the place from afar .. worry with your mom and weathering one of these storms and does she have power, she can't see . her windows aren't easy to open how do we know it's not too warm in her home .. she might eat spoiled foods . her power has been out .. so on and so forth it will go with directives from afar".
He said: "and I will tell her SHE IS SUPPOSED TO BE AT YOUR HOME ON YOUR SOFA AND NOT HERE TO WEATHER THIS KINDA CRAP .......... ".
What ever.
The whole hurricane thing. Just disgusted.
It's hard for me today to go out there, .. I will go here in a bit, but today is a hard pill to swallow .. maybe because I was just there on Mother's Day to bring lunch to her, and it wasn't a real pleasant nicey-nice visit . her having related the story that she told the worker at the vet's office she's wring his neck of she could get there to do it (all because he failed to send out in the snail mail .. a written report . as to the dog's vet visit the previous week).
Just .. I will go .. but I find that today .. my heart isn't in it.
Dorker, MIL seems to hold you in high regard as you and SIL seem to be the only people she trusts to take her to doctor visits. It "might" be worth it, if nothing else can be arranged, to get on the flight with her to take her to SIL. IF THAT is what it takes to get her to go, then DO IT.
(bottom line if she doesn't wanna go, wild horses can't drag her anywhere she doesn't want to go).
I am to go out to see MIL for my weekly visit. I always call first ...
Why?
1) she needs to disarm her house and her garage so I can get in .. little patience today for standing there on my cell to get her to understand I am at her garage door and can't get in
2) if there are any needs that I can satisfy on my way there, ... a stop at the vet to pick up something .. an rx that needs to be picked up .. .would be nice to go ahead and do that on my way there.
Can't get her, .. she's obviously on the phone, it ringing into infinity.
Just aggravated with it all, even before that whole thing .. but that's just even more aggravation!
Make the airline reservation for a week or so after SIL's kids are there. No deep drawn out discussions and no need to ask MIL "So what are the plans going forth" you KNOW the plans she has. To find a miracle cure, throw out the walker and cane and be 50 again.
Just tell her "We have made a plane reservation for you on such and such date. We'll get you packed and poochy made as comfortable as possible. We will walk you to the gate. SIL will be on the other side and be there to welcome you for your stay." She balks, you say, "Oh, would you rather go by bus?" We can do that! Do NOT back down.
IMHO, y'all give this woman WAAAAAAY too much control. Over stuff that is not important, to anyone.
If she balks completely, then you step out of the caregiving 100%, meaning you don't even answer calls or give directions to others in her "team". You are OUT.
I know this seems manipulative and perhaps cruel, but it's not like you're shipping her to the Amazon jungles--she's going to live with her DAUGHTER in ILLINOIS. Nobody is going to feel sorry for her doing that.
And I wouldn't give a second thought what SIL thinks. She is great (overly so) when she's around MIL. Now she can experience what you've dealt with all alone for years.
You need and deserve a break. Being "mean" may be the only way you ever GET that break.
Talk this over with DH. He's likely going to be your best support in this, esp if he sees you pulling back even more so.
When it came time to move mother and daddy into a care facility, they both balked--for 3 years we discussed this, as they sank further and further into financial ruin. In the end they had one option, their least favorite--they moved in with brother. In their case, no decision became a life altering decision. Mother COULD NOT have what she wanted--so she eventually didn't really get to choose.
Be tough, Dorker. Don't back down. Last year's debacle with the storms left lasting anger on everyone's part. Wasn't worth it, was it?
Booking a journey without having the authority to do it.
Forcing a move ditto.
Presenting an ultimatum of do as I say or I'll never speak to you again - MIL herself hasn't gone to that extreme.
And most of all: giving SIL no choice of whether and how she becomes primary caregiver? When did that become okay?
If it's an "I can dream" idea, on the other hand, I'm totally with you.
Except nuts to it. It's not worth it. MIL wants to crash and burn at home, let her, I say.
I had to smile at the overflowing toilet issue. My mother has "toilet tantrums" also. My H keeps a special snake in her garage (that she paid for) that he occasionally has to use to clear a clog. She is fixated off and on with getting her toilets replaced. She's tried to con a few of my brothers into helping my H install a new toilet (which he is actually willing to do).
I just keep saying HIRE A PLUMBER. My H owns his own business, and he doesn't need to be wrestling toilets on his rare time off! My mother has the money to hire things out -- she should do so.
Let us know about today's chapter of Thursdays with Narcissa.
Dorker: " it does sound like MIL is approved ... on some list somewhere .. as Medicaid ..???....not sure .. but they are "waiting for funding". Whatever that means." Wow, THIS sounds promising! Of course there can be years-long waiting lists for things...
I get yelled at occasionally and told I don't do much at all for her. I was called a liar when I told her I stayed with her for over a week because she pulled some muscles and became almost helpless. "It was NOT eight days! At the most it was two days!" Oh, no, *I* am always wrong. And I'm supposedly not "right in the head." She gets vicious and nasty, and my feelings about her were permanently changed about two years ago. I avoid her as much as possible. She is always right, and everyone else is STUPID! I've given up trying to make her life better, because she won't take suggestions.
So be it. She's an (almost) 92-year old with sight in one eye, bad hearing, bad balance, neuropathy in her feet, atrial fibrillation and a history of TIAs. She lives in a one-story condo. She is a shut-in.
She hasn't been to my house in 1.5 years. Last time she was there she complained and told me she's not coming to my house again. Fine. My three golden boy brothers live states away. They help as they can when they come visit (and those visits are interestingly happen further apart as my mother approaches age 92). But then they depart after a day or two, probably very glad they aren't local!
mally1, I take it you go shopping for your mother? Or do you have to take her? My mother says it's "easier" (what a hoot!) if she goes. It takes FOREVER. She has to examine every label on every thing.
Oh, and her short-term memory is going, and she can't reason very well, either. But competent she is in the eyes of the law. I don't even go in to her medical appointments with her anymore -- I'm not allowed, because she doesn't like the professionals talking to me and not her. So be it.
Not that I would wish this crazy upturned world on anyone, but it is of comfort to know that others worlds don't make much sense either, dealing with all this crap.
All in all, to have started out this day not really with my heart in it, not wanting to go .. I'm glad I went, was a good outcome.
First and most important .. (many things) but did ask her, the all important question: "So MIL .. ya know .. hurricane season starts here in a week or so, . you and SIL on that, and making plans".
Answer given: "Well first SIL has to get her family here and gone .. she's gotta see that through .. and then get them gone back overseas .. and then she'll come back here for me. She's going to fly home with them, when they leave FL .. and then spend the rest of their time with them here in the states and see them off, and then she'll come back here and the two of us will fly to IL".
HOORAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
At least I didn't hear that sly mean streak and a response of: "I'm not going anywhere".
Won't believe it til it happens though. But just ... "hooray!".
I only responded as follows: "okay sounds good, .. if she needs, I can fly you up there .. .and accompany you".
(she will be flying with her doggie on board .. must be lovely for all the other passengers that someone has to have precious poochy in the aisle with them, .. .I can only imagine. . But they did work to get, and achieve, that all-important ESA label for the dog, so the dog will be on board with whoever is going. MIL .. in her compromised state of being .. there's not a chance in hell she'd be able to manage a dog on a leash and navigating her way thru the aisle on the plane and into her seat and then securing the dog somehow .. so it doesn't meander around and trip someone .. and yes, even on a leash .. and then get herself fastened into her seatbelt and any carry ons secured in the bin overhead. She doesn't stand a chance of navigating all that all on her own. She's way too far gone for all that. Someone will have to fly with her .. unless airlines will assign a personal assistant to handle all of it.
I'll believe all this when it actually happens though.
But just the fact it wasn't summarily shut down .. woohaa!
And ... I even had opportunity to ask her again (in light of the fact health issues on the table being talked about .. because she's reasonably certain she has an oncoming UTI). Was able to ask her, "so did you think anymore about the in home visiting physicians group that I mentioned, I did call them and they're' supposed to send me some paperwork, I'll be sure and get it to you, do you have any thoughts on that".
Answer given: "yes, .. if you'll bring me that when you get it, I'll look it over .. you know .. you just hate that other .. ya know .. they leave you sit .. they take you on back and then finish with you, then you just are left to sit and wait".
(yes I was as confused as the above sounds).
Me: "Are you referring to when the doc takes you to the back to the exam room and they leave you sitting/waiting".
Her: "No .. I mean .. those drivers or transport services or whatever .. I see .. when I go to the doctors . you see people sitting outside waiting on the benches and you know that's what they're waiting for, their ride .. I mean, I understand they have a business to run, they can't just sit and wait for you to be seen at the doctor .. they have to go on to other calls .. but then you just have to sit there and wait for them to come back to get you".
Me: "oh I see, okay .. so you think entertaining the notion of a physician that will visit at home .. that's not off the table then ..??... at least in the interest of the fact you'd have to do the transport services to get there and then have to wait ...".
Her: "yes, .. .I'll look at it .. if you'll get that paperwork to me, when you get it".
Okay .. good. At least that too isn't summarily shut down before it's even off the ground. Good Good Good!
All in all, glad I went, .. wasn't a total waste of my time and energy .. or seemingly so.
Finally got ahold of her this morning after calling and calling and her not clicking over .. her on the other line. Turned out she was on the phone fighting with AT&T. I guess, their guest reps, CSR's .. they are all in some other country .. and as we know of MIL (me too as a matter of fact) she struggles with foreign accents and understanding what's being said. So, she was on the phone with them, for quite a long while.
Why was she calling? She'd forgotten to pay her phone/cable/internet bill ... it was due a week ago, wanted to let them know she is mailing it today. GOSH ........... I wouldn't of bothered with that, I'd of maybe paid it over the phone, or just sent it .. why in the world would you even try to talk to a human to report you are paying the bill. An endeavor in complete frustration.
That and I guess she forgot .. she gets all in a knot over the fact that her phone/cable/internet is indeed bundled, .. as to pricing anyway .. but .. the bill .. comes separately .. and that ties her in a knot .. and causes her all kinds of grief .. and she calls to fight with them about it, to no avail. Separate/the bills will come.
Finally reached her only to learn the above is why I'd been unable to get ahold of her.
She asked me if I'd stop on the way there, she's out of her special milk (lactaid free) . and would I get some cranberry juice, .. UTI coming on, so she suspects. Off I went, stopped and got the above two items, and arrived there.
Found her at the kitchen table, (where you would find her almost anytime) . and sorting thru bills, paperwork spread out everywhere .. and a semblance of what was probably the start of an attempt at having a breakfast ..that got sidelined in bills and paperwork. Indeed, upon asking her, that was the case, no breakfast on board .. paperwork had taken over.
I went about the biz of getting her a bowl of cereal with some fruit cut up in it . and some toasted english muffin (the remnants of what was set out, in attempt to get herself breakfast, that which got sidelined in her bill paying).
This is when she said to me, "I should've told you, you were going to the store for me, and I forgot .. I'm out of that good strawberry jelly I like and this is my last english muffin". My response: "well be sure and put that on the list for the next time I come". She said, "I already did that", and showed me the list she has started.
Sat with her while she had her breakfast and pontificated about an rx of antibiotic from the last time she had a UTI .. and that it has 3 refills .. and should she call and get it filled, and I advised a resounding YES .. you should. Got that done for her. She asked if I'd be sticking around long enough to go pick it up for her, and I told her I likely would be able to do that.
I went outside while she was eating and swept off the dreaded deck again .. she has a LOT of trees and those trees seem to drop every leaf on their branches, right onto her deck .. a deck that is attached to her den, where the dog is let in and out, and so the dog tracks in the leaves that pile up on the deck.
Came back in and just visited while she finished her breakfast. Noticed the dog hasn't been fed, asked her, and no she hadn't done that either, took care of that for her.
She asked me, .. if I"m staying long enough to go get her rx would I mind going to also get the dog more dog treats at the specialty vet around the corner. No, that's fine .. I'll take care of it.
Cleaned up her breakfast dishes for her, then took off for the above, including the rx for the UTI .. and brought it all back .. and then helped her to chop up the dog's treats and put them into a separate container (to stretch them farther . these expensive treats . the dog gets smaller portions than what their original size is).
Sat and visited with her for a long while, she seemed to want to reminisce about how life's turns take you to where you are, and retrospect of that, from where she now sits at the end of her days. Let her wax on and on about that, for a while, then I said my g'byes and left.
Ankles/feet look really bad .. but .. I'm learning to "let it go" .. can't change it, let it go.
Her son will be going by there at some point later today to deal with the toilet (and I loved the other story here about the mom who obsesses over the toilets) .. and no, he won't even notice the swollen ankles/feet .. not unless pointed out to him .. why is that, . .why are "guys" so oblivious?
So be it.
Got a text from SIL after I'd left there, "how did mom seem to you, she's sure had a lot to deal with lately between her dog and that ear infection and her problems with her yard irrigation/sprinklers, toilet .. and now a UTI .. and fighting with AT&T .. it's a lot for her".
I responded (only because there's no point in hashing out the finer points of how her mom is ..): "Seemed okay, relative to her anyway", and left it at that. I wanted to say to SIL, such is life for those of us who "manage" to live on our own and handle the problems that crop up in daily life. But what would be the point. Left my response pretty benign. Just done with her as gatekeeper and reporting in to her, it's futile.
That was the sum of today's visit.
My mother also notices the people waiting on benches outside the medical building for rides. One time she pronounced at the coumadin clinic, "I don't know what people do who don't have DAUGHTERS!" Haha...I know that when my mother looks at those people waiting for rides on the benches, she is thinking, "That will never be ME."
Now wouldn't it be interesting if SIL blows up H's phone with texts about MIL needing her special strawberry jelly and more English muffins?
You did a good thing today, staying and chatting with MIL. She is starved for socialization (as is my mother).
On the strawberry jelly and english muffins .. while I was out to get the rx, I scooted back into the grocery . it was right there, and grabbed those items for her. So, she won't be blowing up DH's phone afterall, not over that.
Yes, in that respect, seeing folks sitting on benches waiting for rides, .. it does pull at my heart a bit .. and I feel sad about it. BUT .. I can't let myself even go there. The alternative is to have me .. in that role, and been there/done that, .. have the tee shirt with holes in it to prove it.
Interestingly enough, I asked her if the church ladies have been by this week, answer, no. They didn't come last week either. Don't know what's up with that, .. I had been under the impression this is something they try to do weekly and in fact, . one of the church ladies .. the one that heads this up .. she had .. at least initially put in a phone call to me, in advance of calling MIL to schedule something, .. just to see if I know (I guess she thought I was more of a gatekeeper to it all than I really am) .. just to see if I know MIL's schedule and would it be alright if she talks to MIL about going on "x" day.
I haven't gotten any such phone call from the church ladies in two weeks now ... and coincidentally .. MIL hasn't heard from them either.
Maybe I don't have a clear understanding of how this works. Maybe they wait now, for MIL to reach out (?) .. I dunno.
Yes, she is starved for socialization .. thus I had hoped that church lady deal would be an outlet for that, (as well as any small errands they may care to accommodate on her behalf). Not sure where the whole situation there has slipped thru the cracks and not mine really to try to direct traffic on it.
Starved for socialization ... but yet won't be participatory in any programs that might alleviate some of that. Oh well. I do within limits .. what I can to help .. and I have to leave it there. Can't make her go to programs and day centers and senior centers .. and get on transport buses she refuses to ride. I do what I can .. within limits and then have to leave it there.