I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Actually DH was there tonite at MIL's to work on the dreaded toilet problem and one of the church ladies called and they chatted on the phone for a while.
I don't know .. maybe they drew straws on who has the lot this week to call MIL. (ugly of me, sorry ... not sorry).
Did H have anything to say after returning from the toilet mission?
APS isn't gonna swoop in and take over because she *refuses her meds* ..... and she has the "right" to refuse to take her meds and we've seen, countless times, even presently .. she isn't gonna be compliant.
So .. you weigh out, gee I could get her in with a Palliative Care group ... but there aren't any locally with visiting physicians that come to her .. she'd have to be hauled there and for what? So she can continue to refuse to comply? Why bother?
After doing my own rudimentary research as to what they provide vs what MIL will benefit from, Palliative Care sounds like a great alternative for some patients .. not so much for her.
The biggest struggle, and one that won't be easily answered is the fact she struggles so with mobility to get out and go to docs .. (that and she isn't compliant with use of public transport or any other mode, to get there) .. and so .. her seeing physicians .. and she has like 14 in all, .... is problematic .. unless Dorker wants to step to that beat, and Dorker has been there/done that, .. and has backed off.
There is a Visiting Physicians group locally that will come to her house, if she's a patient there (I'm awaiting some of their paperwork to review it .. and provide it to MIL) .. not sure of all the particulars yet .. their website leaves a lot of unanswered questions. That option .. if all the specifics and questions that remain, are answerable .. that may be the direction to take, at least in answer to PCP care. She won't have to go out .. at least for PCP care .. (IF this is a program that works in this case, and that remains to be seen).
That only answers to PCP (possibly, we'll see)
I don't have any answers as to the other 13 docs she sees .. and getting her to and fro, .. not mine to direct. She gets that growth/callous or whatever it is on the bottom of her foot from time to time and it has to be whittled away at .. off to the Podiatrist for same. She has to be checked periodically as to the Hystioplasmosis in her eyes .. that and she's had her tear ducts closed .. (not sure why, allergies maybe and runny eyes) and so off to the eye doc she has to go ... (also vision checks) ... she has CHF and A-Fib and so .. cardio would like to see her monthly ..(???).. at present, that ain't happening. Neuro doc sees her every quarter to follow the neuropathy in her feet/legs and any stroke issue. Sees dermo doc every six months, unless some issue arises (and it usually does). Just .. it goes on and on and on.
In normal circumstances, I guess one might have some friends that would help with transport to and from .. or maybe more family available/willing .. locally .. and/or agreeable to public transport or car service. None of the above is agreeable to MIL.
That doesn't make it my problem to step to, and I did for a long long time, thus the reason I'm so burned out.
Look, when SIL last left here .. a month or so ago .. she was supposed to have taken MIL with her, to IL.. Remember all the talk that it was in the works, but she didn't wanna take her in the winter (like winter has anything at all to do with the price of peas and carrots for someone who is essentially home bound and not subject to winter weather). But ooooookay .. spring it shall be then. Spring came and went .. and MIL still here, .. she didn't wanna go and nobody forced it .. and they likely won't, ever.
WHEN ......... the decision was made to yet again leave her here and I blew a gasket and DH and I at odds over it (how can they just arbitrarily decide that without even so much as consulting the folks here that have to prop it all up??!?!?!!?) ....
It was said .. and sold .... "she has a team now of folks she is going to allow to help", that was the premise that I was sold .... as to how in the world she'll manage with all of her needs (be that dog needs, home needs, doc visits, lab tests, rx pickups and so on and so on and so on it goes). She has a "team" now .. of folks that are agreeable to help. So it was said.
SIL left here just over a month ago .. and we all know, it's well established .. her only other offspring is her son that lives here (my husband) and he is a firm .. dent in the bleachers sideline sitter to it all, so he's no help as far as get in the trenches and do all the steppin and fetchin to be done. It aint gonna happen ... not with him. He will do the Mr. Fixxit stuff like nobody's business .. but anything outside of that, .. not gonna happen.
So I was sold there are:
1) MOW drivers that have been approached and will run small errands for her .. have yet to see that occur (maybe they haven't been asked, maybe in the end .. that isn't the option I was sold, I really don't know).
2) A neighbor, Flighty C .. that will take her to the grocery. That has yet to occur. Flighty C did call one time .. having been prompted from afar. MIL didn't need anything .. that's because Dorker visits on Thursdays and the few things MIL might need, Dorker has run out to get (she doesn't need a whole lot, fresh bread .. fresh fruit, milk, that kinda thing .. it's not like buying groceries for a family of 5 where there are two cart loads full). But nonetheless, .. there has been no carting MIL to the grocery by Flighty C.
3) The church ladies. I really don't have a clear understanding of what precisely they are agreeable to do. I did ask .. one of them if they can run errands, .. small errands .. and yes, they are agreeable, and even .. in some cases .. depending on what/when, etc .. a trip to the doc was said as an option. I don't think for a minute they are gonna step in to all the need of seeing what amounts to 14 different docs. But they did say an occasional doc visit is possible. What does that mean? Kinda gray .. but .. again, not up to me to sort all this through and I'm not going to. And as we see, with the church ladies .. they did come .. they've come for a few visits ... but this last couple of weeks there have been no visits at all. Why? I don't know. Again, .. I'm not gonna go crawl on the backs of the church ladies and hound them ... "where have you guys been, she needs you, .. what's going on here?". Not mine to sort through. We know, one of them called her yesterday evening and it was just a phone chat. Doesn't sound like it was a chat that was indicative of plans put on the radar as to a physical visit there. So be it.
4) Was even agreeable on this end, to the HHC expense, our portion thereof. But that got nixed by SIL as too expensive.
In the end,.. there remains . a lot of loose ends .. she isn't going to comply with meds, nutrition .. that's been seen time and time and time again. She doesn't have to. Nobody can make her, ... she's within her rights, thought to be of sound mind ... to refuse her MOW's ... to refuse her meds .. refuse PT .. refuse public and or private car service to said sites.
But if her son and daughter are alright leaving status quo, .. then I will just work to be content with my Thursday visits and that's all I'll do.
In that time slot, I'll try to be amiable to helping .. be that picking up dog stuff .. or going to the grocery or hauling her to a doc .. whatever .. try not to be a stubborn ole cuss myself and work with what exists as to need on that time frame.
Boundaries/limits.
To sign her up for Palliative Care, being one more place she'd need to go to .. to see a social worker, or whatever it is deemed as to need . and her not compliant .. and set myself up for that struggle. I'm not going there.
I will pursue the Visiting Physicians thing and for myself at least, before presenting it further, get some of my own questions answered .. as to whether it's viable .. and if so, present it to MIL to refuse or accept. At least the PCP .. if it's workable .. can be one less place she has to be hauled to.
How will she get to all the stuff above, the eye doc, the dermo doc, so on and so forth. I don't know. She wants to schedule appts on Thursdays, let's go. Outside of that, .. I don't know. She wants to schedule an appt on a Tuesday and tell me that she really can't do it any other day . fine I'll swap my schedule around a bit, see ya on Tuesday won't be there on Thursday.
That kinda thing.
But outside of that, I don't have the answers. But remember, I'm not the one that finds it suitable to leave her in this setting. I am the one that hops up and down on every roof top I can find .. shouting it .. she shouldn't be living alone, she doesn't manage.
But I'm also the one who has the least voice in that decision.
So, as you all have been so helpful in pointing out over the past year, time and time again ... they are all free to decide what they think appropriate .. but so am I. I can also make my own choices as to my participation in it all.
That is where I feel most comfortable .......
I do feel bad, it makes me sad that there is so much that is unanswered to .. I feel bad for her .. and it's troubling to me, particularly entering that arena weekly and seeing/hearing of the "need" .. and I know there is no way it will be addressed.
What's my choice? Step in and fill the need/want/whim? No, been there/done it .. and that's how I got where I am today. No, not doing it.
The only encouraging news I've heard in a long long long time .. is the fact that MIL said yesterday as to any trip to IL .. that SIL has to dispense with her family coming for the visit and then SIL will come this way to get her, and a trip to IL..
I will believe it when the plane takes off the runway with her on it. And not until.
But in the meantime .. and if the above doesn't happen .. there will be a lot of unanswered need/whim/want ... and that's not my fault.
What did DH have to say behind his visit for the toilet issue. He only remarked that she seems addled/frazzled somewhat .. and maybe the UTI .. at the root of it.
She, telling me yesterday when I was there, notices herself .. the memory and the addled/frazzled along with the oncoming UTI .. that she was able to pick up on it herself, . and thankfully has that refill on the antibiotic to go ahead and get ahead of the issue (she hopes).
The biggest problem is that MIL as a narcissist wants what she wants when she wants it how she wants it. No public transport with the dregs of society. No adult day programs with the riff-raff. No waiting on bench for pickup like those pitiful elders instead of on-the-spot Dorker with breakfast prep and errand running and dog feeding on MIL's schedule. The whole situation is SAD. It's hard growing older and feebler and having illnesses. But you are not some drudge in a Victorian novel that is grateful to provide servitude in exchange for some familial gratitude lacking elsewhere. You do sound less angry in the post above. Once we remind ourselves that people reap what they sow and that we cannot force competent mentally ill people to "do what's best for them and others", we can live better too.
Any good doctor is going to ask of a patient with a multitude of diagnoses " how aggressively do you want to be about treatment? What is your goal in treatment?".
Not sure why MIL needs all those other docs. Has she had melanoma?
Are the eye ailments life threatening or progressive? Does SHE want to keep going to these appointments?
At his point, HER wishes AND the convenince of getting her to them should be driving her medical care.
So if the cardio wants to see MIL monthly, then the CHF is pretty serious. And there MIL went and cancelled this week's appointment. She probably didn't want to be lectured about not taking the Lasix.
Is she bad about taking all of her meds, or is it just the Lasix (because she doesn't want to have to keep running to the bathroom)? Those antibiotics for the probable UTI - do you think she takes them according to directions?
I was thinking again about Abu Dhabi Boy's upcoming visit. You said that SIL will be traveling around FL with him and his family. Do you really think she will not stay and get MIL in better shape once she sees how she is? Considering how micromanaging she is from Illinois, will she really be able to leave MIL when SIL comes to FL?
Myself? I wasn't particularly impressed with even the PA.
My thoughts align with yours .... any physician (PA or not) that doesn't ask, and probe some .. as to important possible approaches as one is in the aging process as MIL is, .. doesn't hold a lot of water with me.
You have to remember, SIL is in attendance for many visits .. as to wellness, anyway. I have been on the scene in these visits for times of illness, etc. Not so much wellness visits .. not me. The times I've been on site for said visits, usually the issue at hand, be that a UTI .. or some stomach ailment (she is so prone for those) .. or nursing back from a fall, .. that kinda thing, so that seems to be the issue dujour being addressed, at least when I'm there. There are no probing questions ... not when I've been there.
I don't know what SIL presents .. as to any other setting and a visit as they discuss her many ailments and so forth .. I would imagine .. a picture that makes things look as though MIL has loads of help to beckon at will ... (she doesn't, as we've established here).
I'm in 100% agreement with you. She needs to change PCP. Were the same PA still in that practice, I'd of been fighting an uphill battle to get anywhere on that argument. That PA is now gone . and so .. at least that hurdle has been removed.
If the Visiting Physician group turns out to be what it appears .. I may be able to sell that initiative in the broad scheme of things. Of course, one won't know til they actually meet with and are seen by some in that Visiting Physician group .. how well do they do with probing questions and possible even EOL discussion and approaches as we go forward with her many ailments and her goals thereof. One can hope they will be better than what is presently assigned to her case.
But I have to get to the bottom of a few questions before I can even get there, as to whether it's viable. 1) do they take her insurance .... ??...that's a big one .. if not .. then no .. it's not gonna be viable. That's a big one. Another one .. another question .. what happens to the labs taken .. on site .. in the home ... I would imagine that getting any results from same .. is gonna be a more lengthy process .. particularly in cases of UTI .. or whatever .. in the doc office setting .. one can give a sample and a quick test run .. right there on site .. and results .. at least generally .. moments away, Strep .. that kinda thing ... not so much if they are sending a personnel to take said sample in the home .. I can envision (but maybe I'm wrong, I don't know) .. they send personnel out, cooler in their auto to store said sample .. and maybe this lab personnel has 4 stops to make and so said sample travels around all day til they get to where samples can be run .. I don't know .. I don't know how these things work, but these are a couple of questions I have. Particularly since their website indicates that as a service they offer, .. in home lab .. visiting physician, etc.
Does this come at any cost to her, because I can tell you, right now, with her insurance and supplements she has .. she pays a $100 copay per year and that's it .. anything else she does (within the limits of her policy and providers, as long as she stays in those confines) she has no add'l charges incurred.
Just have some questions that I wanna satisfy myself, before I approach this as a direction.
Does she take all her meds, except the Lasix .. ???
There was a time that she stopped taking her med for A-fib .. 2 x's in fact, she quit and one of those times she landed in the hospital. Why? Who knows, you tell me. But she had decided she didn't need that med and her daughter also colluding in that .. her daughter .. at least at that point, not on board that A-fib is actually a dx in her case (I'm the one on that front, having worked that angle and walked that walk as to dx thereof) .. and I blew a gasket the 2nd time she went off it. Told her to consult with her doc .. she doens't have to take anything she doesn't want .. but talk to the doc. Doc advised same .. but cautioned that the med is on board to hopefully prevent blood clot which will .. cause stroke and she's prone for same .. and at her age .. a stroke is not gonna be a TIA ............ it will be massive .. and debilitating. That solved that issue, .. that med, I do believe she takes.
I preface all that with the fact, .. she takes any of her meds, .. when/if she gets around to it, that's the truth .. I'm there, I witness it. Yesterday morning being a fine example, she got waylayed by bills/paperwork and meds .. that's a non issue .. I left early afternoon-ish and she still hadn't taken any meds .. but I don't hound anymore.
Will she take her antibiotic as rx'd? Again, see above, when/if she gets around to it.
The lasix .. that is the most problematic and she will tell anyone who asks .. it's a struggle, her mobility is an issue . having to get up and down and back and forth to go to the bathroom, not something she can do all the time. Thus, the Lasix gets put by the wayside.
That issue too, consult with doc .. they advise .. if that's problematic .. try compression hose to see if we can't work it from that angle. She can't do compression hose .. arthritic fingers. I have suggested countless times, .. maybe it's possible to get an aide to come by a few times a week, to take them on or off .. since she has medical necessity .. that suggestion like so many others (just read thru em here) .. goes nowhere. She doesn't want someone coming to her house 2 and 3 x's weekly to feel like she has to be "on" to "entertain them" ... (we all know and realize .. in our right minds .. there is no "entertaining" and being "on" to have these healthcare folks stop by that's not their purpose). You aren't gonna convince an 88 yo woman otherwise. She feels like she has to be "on" .. to "entertain" .. and make conversation and be presentable and for varying reasons .. doesn't want that option. But she also can't do that on her own, compression hose .. arthritis is an issue there. But she also won't take her Lasix as it's rx'd and edema results .. and she then doubles up on it .. it's just a huge mess.
BUT AGAIN .. she is able to make those decisions for herself *ostensibly*.
Her eye issue, the Hystioplasmosis .. that has to be followed because there is scar tissue .. as a result and it could grow . (?, not sure how it all works) and if it does .. it could cause blindness. So she does want that followed. I don't know (I'm just not that tuned in on it) .. what would they do in the event they saw that to be oncoming. I can't answer that question.
What is it she wants, as her goals .. working within the parameters of her many chronic issues? I don't know .. I know she will say things like, (not realistic) .. I just want to throw this walker away and the cane too, and go walk my little doggie and go to the grocery store . and do the things I enjoy again.
If you say to her, "okay well it's not likely that's going to happen .. you have some issue that have compromised your ability to walk without a device to help you stay upright .. ", she will generally answer that with something akin to, "it's just hell getting old, this isn't me, this isn't what I'm about".
I have a very clear/accute picture of the whole thing . being so up close and personal to it all for so long. The trick, at this point, is to stay far enough removed from it all (that which I cannot change) .. to not let it all get to ME .. that's my objective at this point. Do what I can, . in the bounds of what I've agreed to, and let the rest of it go.
I'm not a social worker .. nor do I have any real voice in any of it ... thus, .. I have to just back away ... and not dial down too deep on any of it.
Will SIL leave her mom to go gallivanting around the state of FL vacationing with son and family?
The plan as stated by MIL yesterday when we talked about it all, .. they are to fly here and are on the lookout for reserving accommodations for themselves . son and family. I would imagine that will be somewhere on the coast .. a beach/pool .. so as to provide the kids somewhere for sun and fun in the water .. and they will do some traveling .. to some amusement attractions here in the state .. all within a day's drive really.
What part of all that does SIL play?
MIL says that she is to stay with her, SIL plans to stay with her, at her house ..
However, here is how I predict it will play out. Son and wife wish to go and do some things but need coverage for kids to play in pool and beach, SIL steps up to that . to enjoy her g'kids .. and so she is NOT indeed at MIL's. Son and family take off for attractions .. day drive ... not that far .. and SIL wants to go with, to enjoy her g'kids at said attractions, so SIL is NOT at MIL's.
That's my prediction.
Maybe I'm wrong .. maybe it won't go that way and SIL will come here and hop full speed on that hamster wheel she runs like none other. We'll see.
I don't have any expertise in that arena to be advising her, "gee, why do you go to the dermatologist ... do you not have any awareness that Squamous Cell Carcinoma .. it's not gonna be imminently threatening to you".
She also sees the derm doc for some skin affliction that causes dry skin (has to do with her Sjogren's Disease). Some lotion/potion of some sort is rx'd to treat that.
And yes Guestshop .. interestingly enough .. maybe one is required in this life to re-visit an issue, time and time and time again, until they learn it. That would be me that fits that bill. OD and her mental health issues .. (she is far more stable now days, thankfully) but in her younger years, when she was dx'd bipolar (I disagree with that dx, I think it's more Borderline Personality Disorder, but .. whatever ...) ... in her younger years when she was NOT compliant with counseling, .. NOT compliant with meds .. no matter what rabbit I pulled out of a hat to try to make it happen. Ultimately I had to cut her loose and learn to live with the fact, she may eventually take her own life .. and/or end up in a jail somewhere from her reckless antics, or some other God Forsaken sad pitiful ending. It was hard medicine for me to take, learning to back away and let the chips fall where they have to, .. trying to do otherwise, sure wasn't solving it. She'd "cheek" her pills and spit em out later in the toilet or trash .. she didn't care if I found em later, not taken. She would sit in counseling, having been taken there by me, .. and refuse to speak, at all. It was a nightmare. But I had to back away from it all, and cut her loose . I couldn't do anything else, .. but save myself from the madness, and that was madness, in it's truest sense.
I guess, I didn't learn that lesson well enough, . here I am years later .. doing the same thing .. wishing/hoping/cajoling/pushing/prodding/tugging/pulling, trying to get a result that the person themself refuses to address. It's pointless.
It's very true that the patient has every right to refuse whatever means at their disposal as to their own well being, .. they are also free to wreap the rewards of that refusal too. Doesn't mean those in their hemisphere have to be sucked into that abyss with them.
Hard hard medicine to take. Steep learning curve. Hopefully I'm getting there.
She also made the highly dramatic statements of "I'm ready to go. I want to DIE in my house. I won't be here much longer. I REFUSE to go back in the hospital! They will put me in a nursing home. I'd rather DIE!"
I had her evaluated for Hospice during her last rehab stint. Her doctor and hospice agreed she was a candidate. They said, "You no longer have to take meds you don't want to take. You don't have to go to doctor. We will send nurses to manage any discomfort you may have. You WILL be able to die at home. Won't that be wonderful? You probably have 6-9 months and we will make sure you are comfortable and pain free."
She FREAKED OUT! "Don't ya'll let me die! I don't want to die! Hospice won't do a thing for me! They're gonna LET ME DIE!"
Meanwhile, like you, I threw up my hands and backed away. She finally relented and is now in AL and LOVING IT! She has made new friends and barely stays in her room.
You stop enabling and force their hand when you back away. You've done the right thing.
It is incredibly frustrating because like me, you definitely do NOT want to see her fall and get hurt or suffer in any way, but you just cannot be there at her beck and call 24/7, especially when she will not do what any of the doctors tell her to do.
I would have BLOWN A GASKET if I had been in your shoes and she stopped the afib meds a SECOND TIME! Oh H3LL NO!
I laughed out loud at your story about getting to her house after going to the grocery story and hearing "Oh, I should have told you I need xyz." My relative, I would ask her days in advance to start a list. She'd have maybe 5 items on it when I arrived to get the list.
I'd say, "Well, do you need more rice?"
"Oh yes! I need more rice. That is all."
I'd say, "What about DW detergent? Seems like that was low."
"Oh yes! I need more DW detergent. I think that is all."
This would go on and on. But she is also wierd and territorial in her kitchen, so she would not want me looking in her cabinets. She'd call me 5 or 6 times while I was in the store, telling me to get xyz.
Then, inevitably, when I'd walk in the house with my arms loaded with groceries, I'd hear "I should have told you I needed abc too. Maybe you can bring me some TOMORROW!"
Not with her, two steps is like .. for me, crossing the Sahara desert. She doesn't have the ability/capability .. to maintain the brain function of "well right now I'm cutting fruit to put in my cereal .. let me step over here and write it down that I need some more cereal .. I just used the last of it" .. no. That's beyond her functional ability, IMO.
Hard enough to take the two or three steps over to where the list is being maintained, .. that in and of itself monumental .. but then .. to remember to do it, .. and return to the fruit you were cutting up for your bowl of cereal .. nope. Too much ...
I don't know what you do about it. I can't restore full brain function ..
If I hadn't been going back out the other day for dog treats and for an rx that was being filled, she'd of had to wait for the english muffins and jelly she forgot to tell me about, .. wait til the next visit .. a week later.
She had a list . but I guess, when I called her, she didn't think to refer to her list, she only thought of .. I suppose .. what came to her mind readily at that moment, which was a gallon of her special milk (lactaid free) .. and a gallon of cranberry juice (to address an oncoming UTI). She didn't think, I don't guess, to take a gander at the list she'd started.
Yes, I did blow a cork when she went off the meds for her A-Fib a 2nd time .. she'd already landed in the hospital for inpatient stay from having done the same thing. And had her daughter in collusion on that premise .. her daughter of the mindset "I'm not even sure she has A-Fib .. who said she does .. how do they know ... ".
Oh I was furious. I was the one that walked that walk, to get the dx of A-Fib .. Just the fact the daughter would collude in that, without even so much as a consult with cardio doc as to "where'd that dx come from". Livid ...
Fortunately .. the doc did stress to her, the dangers of refusing that med, and she thought better of declining it.
But that med too, like all of her meds .. when she gets around to it, .. if she gets around to it.
And watching it all .. you see how it happens that she gets distracted and doesn't take her meds. I guess it's probably that way with a lot of elderly folks. She comes in to make her b'fast .. and that process in and of itself is so so so so slow .. her moving slower than a sloth (I know she can't help it, but it is what it is). Then she gets her b'fast made eventually .. and seats herself, but then .. she starts eating .. another slow slow slow slow process and all the while she's doing that, she may look at bills in front of her .. and sort those .. or she may pick up a magazine and begin reading it .. or a pamphlet of some sort, .. or her paperwork that came from some doc .. any number of things. And she gets on that track .. and the meds .. not even coming up on her radar at all, to attend to. You see it happen ....
Reminding her (as I used to do when I'd be there) does no good either, .. she'd say upon being prompted "I will, I'll do it in a minute". A minute turns into an hour and another hour .. and prompts along the way met with, "I'l do it, I'll do it ... ", but then she doesn't.
I don't prompt anymore, at all. I don't even ask.
It is good to come here though and see the craziness that goes on in the world of others dealing with it all, and in some cases even worse ..
At least I don't have to bathe her .. or change her diapers ..
It could be worse.
But I wouldn't .. she'd have to be where someone can do that, .. I wouldn't do it.
I Totally Understand that no one is doing backflips at the thought of Doctor #15. But an immune disorder requires a rheumatologist. No substitute.
If MIL is simply “doctoring out” every symptom (per body part), she will never achieve effective disease management.
She has the typical dry mouth and so forth .. and has some kinda mouthwash that is OTC that she was recommended to address that. She also gets that fungal infection inside of her mouth from time to time, .. indicative with Sjogren's and that the PCP rx's somethings he coats the inside of her mouth with and as mentioned she has some kinda dry skin that results and there's some potion that is rx'd that addresses that.
Just reflecting back on last week's visit when she obviously just needed someone to talk to.
It was really kind of sad, listening as she talked of the latest news. She'd gone on and on. I knew that back before she met and married what was DH's dad .. (married 52 years I think) ... she had a boyfriend in middle school that was the love of her life .. as she described it. This would've had to have been back in the 1940's .. I would guess.
That guy .. I guess his family moved away and that tore apart that torrid love affair of two middle school kids.
To hear her tell it, they wouldn't see each other again for a long long time. Until ... they all began to gather for school reunions once they were all grown and had kids of their own and spouses and so forth. And to hear her tell it, .. he would always be there .. at these reunions and she would catch a glimpse of him .. always with his eye on her .. watching ... and longing I guess, for what could've been. This guy.
In fact, I do know that when DH's dad was dying he had told her to go find "E" ...
I guess, it was always known that was the union that should've been (???) ... who knows.
Interestingly enough, when DH's dad died .. back in 2003 .. DH was most disturbed to have come over to visit his mom, within weeks of the dad being gone and to have found the spot on the shelf where his dad's framed picture always sat .. replaced with a picture of "E", this fella. DH made a ruckus of it, a bit .. and had her take the picture down. She did so.
The fella, it turned out, ... I guess .. having been summoned by her, had come to visit and taken her out to dinner (this was back in 2003). He was married .. at that time ... (turns out he has been married 4 x's). And so .. it was said .. there can never be anything there, .. he's married .. that ship has sailed..
So .. in the visit last week, that story comes up again .. only for her to detail how he'd called her the week prior .. this guy. I don't know, widowed now .. not sure. That he expressed to her, his wish that things would've been different, that if the two of them had stayed together, they'd of married, and he likely wouldn't of married and divorced so many times.
He lives, apparently ... in a community about 3 hours away and he was pining for her to come visit ....
Her telling that she had to tell him that will never happen ... her unable to travel anymore .. she's on a walker (said he is also at this point).
To hear her tell it all, .. (I just sat and listened, it all seemed so melodramatic to me, but what do I know .. I wasn't there) ... sounds like, if only ..... the love of her life .. pining away for what could've been, even still .. decades ago.
Maybe it's all her flare for the drama ... (we all know what a drama queen she can be).
Hopefully when I go tomorrow, that chapter is closed and other topics can be hashed through.
I have to say that was very odd that MIL took down her H's picture right away and replaced it with one of her middle school boyfriend!!!
If she'd married "E" nothing much would have been different, I'd fathom.
We all have that "regret" we didn't follow up on, that first love, the forbidden one, the dreams that come to us---let her talk.
I took my mom to her 70th class reunion last year. Saddest thing I've ever seen. My 88 y/o mom cooing and fluttering at some old dudes. I GET it, it was still sad.
Yeah, if MIL would move to the same ALF? It won't happen, but it's maybe the best incentive she's ever had to leave!
The saddest are these, "It might have been."
thanks to John Greenleaf Whittier
I guess, anybody who has lived long enough, can have some things to look back upon with a woulda/coulda/shoulda mentality. Most of us, have the insight to realize, that in most cases .. it wasn't to be .. for whatever the reason.
I didn't have the heart to burst her bubble, I just let her wax and wane on and on .. but I wanted so badly to quote my own mother "At a certain age, men are either looking for a nurse or a purse .. and I'm neither".
May have been his objective. Maybe not, whose to say.
He lives in a gated community somewhere south of here by about 3 hours .. not an AL from the sounds of it. Asked her what he does, is he able to do anything, what does he do for engagement and socializing. She said he does .. he plays cards with some in the area .. and is into some old cars club and meets with them routinely.
I didn't say it to her, but I thought, "see there ya go ... there's someone your age .. and about the same infirmities .. that we know of anyway .. engaging in their world at large, take a page outta his book".
But of course, I didn't say it. Ain't gonna change a set-in-her ways, dyed-in-the wool, old lady at this point in time.
She made it sound as though, . if she could .. was able to do it .. they'd walk off into the sunset together, and live the happily ever after that was supposed to have been.
Maybe I need to let her daughter know that's where she wants to go, not to her daughter's house, not to an AL .. or a NH .. but to this guy's home . and they can live out that "what if", with whatever time they have left.
(not gonna happen)
Oh well, tomorrow is another day and hopefully another story to wax and wane on about.
Gotta hand it to the old gal — she never breaks character.
Maybe this is a thing with that generation. Both my parents had unforgettable First Loves.
Mom’s first love was killed in an auto accident when she was in her mid 30s. That is when her struggle with depression started. I was told all this by her cousin after Mom passed away.
Mom divorced Dad after 25 yrs of marriage. A few months later Dad gets a birthday card from his First Love. That started a 30 yr long distance relationship. 3 hours away.
It might do the old gal good to visit him by phone often.
Too bad it comes at a time in their lives where, sounds like, neither are able to travel any longer, even the short 3 hours away.
Must be that it is a "thing" with that generation. I don't know that I even remember if I had a boyfriend in middle school, and if I did, I sure don't remember names. My goodness!
I call MIL this morning (I always call first) to let her know I'm going to be coming that way in case she needs me to pick anything up on the way. No, she doesn't, but she has some important papers that need to be dropped in the mail .. when I leave to come home.
She mentions some tree limbs (not big huge branches .. but tree limbs) down among the yard in the back and that she has mentioned it to DH and she presumes he'll get there at some point, but hasn't heard from him. I didn't speak to that issue, but will when I get there, .. and my response will be, .."He will get here to drag the tree limbs off, when he can .......... ".
DH happens to be running from pillar to post at this point, with work responsibilities ... he needs to clone himself .. needing to be in about 10 different places at once. Tree limbs in a b'yard are the last thing he's going to concern himself with at this point, and I don't blame him. They aren't hurting anything. So the yard guy comes and .. I guess ...??.....what .....??........can't maneuver his riding mower around, because of downed limbs ... is that the case, .. is that why this gets mentioned again? Then ask him to move them.
Yes, I could go out there and drag tree limbs to the street, but in all honesty ... I don't even know the workings of all that. I know that here in our city .. they have to be a certain length .. in other words, they won't pick up limbs that measure more than "x" in length ... one has to saw them, .. chain saw them ..???....whatever. I'm just not in the know on that aspect, being I don't do yard stuff. Nor do I care to get ahold of the authority locally to answer that question, only to find out, .. "oh yes, you will have to chop them into lengths of "x" feet or the yard refuse folks won't pick it up"
I can't do that, chop up tree limbs .. out of my scope.
Thus I'm not even gonna speak to that. Her son can get there, when he can .. and it may be a hot minute.
Then .. I get a text from SIL ........
"Hey I know you're heading out to see mom today .. just wanted to mention to you, I've been reminding her that she needs to find a way to get to an eye doc appt on June 22nd .. I know they will be dilating her eyes .. and put in new tear duct plugs .. Can't drive herself and hasn't been . not since I left"
She goes on to say that she tried to move the appt to a week later when she will be here (coming this way with her son and family at that point in time).
I didn't answer it for a long time.
But then I did, with a therapeutic fib "I'll see her in a little when I head out that way . she's gonna need to see if she can get that answered to, .. I have training at my job that day and a luncheon and won't be able to do it".
She responded to that: "Ok, I'll keep reminding her, maybe her church ladies can help".
I dunno ... first off ....
These directives need to go to her son. But we all know ............ he is a master at ignoring texts from afar. For all I know she has sent it to him and it's been ignored, I didn't ask. And we all know ... asking her to do so, could very well be met with, "I did, he hasn't answered". And then .. in the past anyways .. that has circuitously routed via me, to him .. and I'm not playing that game any longer.
So, I just did the only thing I knew to do .. I'm not taking directives from afar from SIL. not doing it.
She ... and her mom and her son are the ones that choose to leave status quo here, with a "supposed team" .. of help.
So reach out to that "team" you touted ......
And so .. a therapeutic fib .. and I'm out of the above equation.
Don't know how it will get answered to, .. but not my problem.
I should've been snarky enough to respond after the above with, "................and hurricane season starts next week, you guys have that all worked out, to get her to safety in IL and away from FL?".
I thought about it, but didn't do it. Too nice for my own good.
(Send directives her way!)
Eye appointment. I don't think you should reply to that kind of text. As you know, I've always been on the side of observing common courtesies but I think we are going to have to create an exception to the rule.
That exception would be when you have received a communication on a subject that has Nothing To Do With You. And MIL's inability to negotiate transport, and SIL's inability to schedule appointments, are indeed nothing to do with you. Nothing you can assist with, nothing you are responsible for.
So in addition to the Never Apologise, Never Explain rule, we can have: Go Vague. Going vague means saying "goodness, dearie me." Or "well well." Or "mmmmmm." Or, in the case of the text, just not replying and if later asked if you got it saying "yes, thanks."
I can see that you took SIL's text as a wee hint that perhaps you might be free to ferry MIL to her eye doctor. Supposing you firmly decide not to take any hints, please. Straightforward requests will be considered. Wee hints, which are as annoying as any midge or wasp, get batted away. Or mercilessly crushed, as you deem necessary.
No more therapeutic fibs, please. You do not owe anybody any excuses or alibis or apologies. You're doing what you're doing, which is keeping her company and keeping an eye, which is very nice of you. This is not everybody's invitation to "creep the mission."
Re the branches? MIL sits and looks at yard all day or TV. That's all she does. So she obsesses on what's there. DH is handling it. Or it's roundabout from MIL to see if you can get folks like you did after hurricane to organize yard cleanup, preferably free....Let DH handle it. If you are asked, it's outside the scope of what you can do. Sorry DH is overwhelmed, so is my DH. But I'm not getting deeper involved in my MIL or FIL's needs. MIL wants to go to new movement specialist that is in our town and we are 60-75 miles away from their town. So she needs a trip there to get her, trip here for doctor, and trip back to take her home, and trip back for *someone* to get home. Nope.