I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
The issue of SIL contacting you because DH is a bugger to get hold of.
This is a non sequitur.
To illustrate. I dare say that there is a very similar family in Berlin. I dare say that there's a lovely lady called Sabine whose brother, Hans, is very busy and doesn't keep in touch as often as he might about their elderly mother, Frau Schmidt.
Would it make any sense for Sabine to call you because Hans doesn't answer her texts about their mother? No. It would not. You have no power to make Hans call her back, or to solve their mother's problems.
Well, you don't have very much more power to reconstruct your own DH in the image SIL would like him to assume, and we know exactly how much influence you and everyone else can bring to bear on MIL, do we not. So SIL's not getting a reply from DH is not going to be solved by her annoying the bejesus out of you instead.
I didn't (on purpose) argue any point with her, as to whether I will do so on a Friday - even though my normal visits are slated for Thursdays. This is the chief of arm twisting you're dealing with here, and I don't care to get into it with her. Thus, .. I said what I did, that I'm not able to attend to that .. and I will remind her, and I did so when I was there today with MIL.
Here's how that went, we were on the topic of SIL anyway.
Me: "Oh, speaking of SIL she texted me this morning, that I'm to remind you of a doc appt you have on 6/22 to have your eyes ck'd, and dilated and so forth. Might wanna see if the church ladies can help or your MOW drivers .. I'm not available that day".
MIL: "That SIL!!!!!!!!!! She is such a worrier!!!!!! Yes, she has reminded me SEVERAL TIMES .......... I don't worry about such things ... at this point in my life .. I live for today .. and that's it .. I don't think much about what happens tomorrow or beyond that ... YES .. she has reminded me many times, I will talk to the church ladies and if they aren't available, I will do what I've done with a lot of appts., I'll cancel it .. at this point in my life I don't give a damn about running back and forth to doctors".
At that, I handed her the brochure I'd rec'd with regard to at home physicians .. visiting physicians and told her to look it over, and if she has any questions, .. we can talk about it, and/or call them to get some answers.
Took a moment to explain to her that this wouldn't answer to eye docs and neuro docs and dermo docs and cardio docs .. this is for PCP and lab work, that kinda thing.
She then answered again, much as she had above .. "at this point in my life, I pick and choose what I want to be a part of, and running the roads all the time to go to doctors is not what I want to do, I want that to be minimal at best".
I then answered that with further clarification as to what the brochure would address, in at least, having PCP care at home . and told her to look it over when she has some time and let me know if it's anything she's interested in.
Oh, and by the way, .. I did (and just to be snarky) respond to SIL .. with another text: "So, any plan in the works as to hurricane season approaching?".
(I know what the plan is, I'd already talked to MIL last week about it, but I did it just to be snarky and send a directive HER WAY).
She answered that she is going to be down this way with her son and his family and will then fly home when they do and see them through the remainder of their visit to the states and see them off .. to fly home .. and then will recoop for a bit .. she hopes .. but then fly back down here, .. and help her mom to get organized as to what she wants to bring to IL .. and that she knows her mom would much prefer to drive .. that way she can take more with her .. and she knows her mom would love to drive .. so they can stop off in TN to see family there .. but she doesn't know if that's going to be practical.
Of course it's not practical! That's the very reason (one of many) she doesn't need to be here during what is hurricane season .. she is not able to do car-travel for hours and hours and hours .. sheesh. Why even bring that up as a possibility to even talk about.
SIL then going into what doc appts she herself still has to see to .. as to herself .. and I wanted so badly to say to her (but just cut it off, .. I don't wanna be a smart azz though I think sometimes it's warranted) .. "ya know .. somehow doc appts can still be seen to, even with your mother there in your household, it's not like all the doctors in the state are going to close up shop because you are caring for your mother in your home".
It was almost as if, she wanted to make sure I understand she too has her own doc appts that have to be seen to and addressed before she can make any move to make any of this happen.
Whatever ....
I swear .. any dialogue with her, just results in frustration.
But anyway .. at MIL's .. not a whole lot to get done. I did walk outside and pick up for her, the sticks (not limbs) that were strewn about, and make a pile of those for whoever next comes to pick up what were also some limbs, big heavy, long tree limbs that I can't budge .. not strong enough. Whoever does that part of it, can deal with the pile of sticks that was left there by me.
She had a few pieces of light furniture she wanted re-organized and I did that for her .. and she had a few groceries that she needed me to run get .. did that. Picked up some soup .. some of her favorite .. and had lunch with her, and we enjoyed some soup. Moved some boxes around so that she can go through them at her leisure .. and that was about it. Visited/chatted with her as we ate our lunch together.
She talked of her daughter and how her daughter worries about every little solitary thing. She mentioned she'd sat for the past two days in her perch going over some things reviewing for new homeowner insurance .. and making phone calls and so forth and how after two long days of that, her back was bothering her ... and she'd happened to mention that to her daughter and her daughter was off to the races .. as to .. let's get at doc appt. and get that looked at, call Dorker .. maybe she can get you there .. and that h/o insurance stuff, get Dorker over there, let her help you review it all .. And her having to call her daughter down .. her saying to me, "You see, I just told you that my back is bothering me and you didn't even bat an eye over it ... she on the other hand, would have me at the ER and every specialist there is known to man .. on the case".
I said to her, "that's because .. I presume you have enough sense that if your back is bothering you enough you have enough sense to speak up for yourself .. so I don't need to run in a panic as if this is the end of the world ..".
Her saying that her daughter .. she had to call her down on the h/o insurance review .. and she had to say to her daughter, "LET ME DO THIS ........... I have to do this .. LET ME DO IT".
Her telling me that she really has to guard what she says to her daughter, in the 3 and 4 phone calls daily .. if she makes the mistake of mentioning .. something she wishes she could see to, .. something she doesn't feel right about (health wise) .. it's ON .... her daughter is off and on the mission .. she has to be so very careful and not say too much.
Her description above .. and the dialogue between she and I over it all, is very much on point in description of her daughter.
I guess, .. in her daughter's case .. maybe all that hop-to and see to it, to it's finite point .. maybe it's all borne out of guilt that she isn't here to attend to her mother's every ache and want/whim. Hard to say.
As I told MIL: "I have long maintained she needs to be on some strong tranquilizers .. I've said it and said it, and I stand by that".
Nothing really eventful about the visit today .. nothing really much of a task to see to for her.
She seemed uber-appreciative .. even though I really didn't do a lot.
Til next week ...
(also just a funny note about the visit. She asked me to go out back .. into an area of her yard where there is a lot of shrubbery and cut her some gardenias to bring into the house .. they smell so so good. No, I wouldn't do it. Told her so. She was appalled. But laughing at me, and that's okay I'm used to it. No, I won't go into an area of her yard that has a lot of shrubbery and wade through it. I am terrified of snakes .. absolute phobia .. terrified doesn't even come close to terming it. I think I would die of fright before a snake would ever even get to me. I know for a fact she has snakes .. I've seen them there .. numerous times when I'm there. As recent as a few weeks ago when she asked me to move a water hose .. and one slithered by on the d/w and I ran for my life ... another time when I was sitting at her kitchen table with her, and saw one slither by the tree outside .. but I was in the safety of inside, so I was fine. She knows how terrified I am of snakes .. everyone that knows me, knows this about me .. absolutely mortified scared of them, even though these are harmless garter snakes or black snakes that kill rats .. they are "good" snakes .. ostensibly. But I don't even wanna be in the same yard with them, if I can help it. The whole time I was walking outside picking up sticks I was being so so so careful .. in case one was under some of those sticks and it would've killed me, of a heart attack had I seen one. So no, I wouldn't go out and pick some gardenias for her and bring them in. She said her neighbor had done so for her a week or so ago. Laughing at me. And I said, "well call your neighbor then, have him do it again, I'm not doing it".
Dorker, that sounds like a really good visit.
Just think. If you can block out all of the external drama that is nothing to do with you, instead of worrying about everything else that does or doesn't need to get done you could just relax, enjoy this very high quality time you're spending with an old lady you're fond of, and bask in the virtue of what you're doing for her. Which is a LOT.
I think I'd have put my boots on and gone for those gardenias - on condition I could pinch some cuttings at the same time. But then I haven't ever met a wild snake face to face. If I did, I'm sure I'd be scampering back into the house as fast as my little legs would carry me.
I used to be the one here to mow our lawn (eons ago) .. and the second I moved an outside trash can to mow under/around it, and a snake slithered out from under, .. that was it for me. Lawn mower left in it's spot and never did it again.
I know there are folks that would counter "but they are so much more afraid of you .. and they don't want anything to do with humans". That doesn't allay my fright in the slightest.
Nope .. gardenias will stay on the bush as far my participation.
And yes, good point .. it was a productive and pleasant visit. Good point to keep in mind, .. deaf ear to all the other extraneous drama ....
It's the dichotomy ....
We leave MIL in place, with .. at least at this point, ... the story is that she now has a "team". Before, it was always "she can manage", .. now it's "she has a team".
Okay ... so that's our story and we're sticking to it then.
Ahhh, but then ....
I get the text yesterday morning from SIL .... that she has been reminding her mom to see about that doc appt upcoming on 6/22.
Now true, maybe that's on me, that it sent me into orbit .. she didn't out and out ask me to do it, transport her mom, and that was the inference, .. at least in my perception, ... maybe that's on me, that I infer something that isn't there.
But that's how I took it, not that she wanted me to "also" remind her mom. No, I took it that she wanted me to hop in, "oh no worries SIL, I'll get her there". That's what I "presumed" SIL to be looking for.
And that is what makes me nuts.
Either "she can manage" (which was for so long the story du jour) ... or as it is these days .. "she has a team", ...... one or the other.
Then why the "hint" that I need to take this ball and run with it, .. as to an upcoming doc appt.
If she has a team, and all are aware that I go on Thursdays and this being a Friday appt., then there should be some direction at this point to resolve that, sans my even being aware of it, no need to inform me, at all.
"She has a team", afterall.
So ... that .. as I ponder it all, and why it sends me into orbit .. is the pulse of the problem.
SIL it seems wants to walk both sides of the fence, .. and has for quite a long time. On the one hand .. the whole "she can manage", .. and nowadays, "she has a team", .. only in the end, .. SIL then wants to manage it all from afar, and direct the Dorker orchestra how to play and when and how fast and so forth.
As far as I'm concerned, .. if MIL is thought to be of sound mind .. and that's the presumption ... if she's thought to have a "team" ... then there's no need for SIL to hop into it all and direct from afar. Not in as much as having Dorker hop to that beat.
That is tacit for how I, this point, no longer do the above ........
I did for a very long time, .... but I have made my point clear to SIL .. that she shouldn't be left alone, she doesn't manage. That was met with "She has a team now" ..
Okay so deploy that team .. why bother me with it (me and my perception that was her end goal, maybe it wasn't).
I'm going to go on the assumption .. as is the order of the day .. that she is of sound mind and her "team" is at her disposal. That's what has been sold
I don't walk both sides of the fence very well apparently. Either she doesn't manage, and someone needs to be leading her along as to the needs ... (as SIL would like done) ... and if that's the case then by damn, they needed to have pushed for more care for her ... either the above .. or she is indeed fine .. and able to manage with her "team" in place ... and so that team needs to be deployed .. on days that Dorker isn't assigned.
No wonder it all drives me off the edge.
Which is it SIL? Is she able to manage with her team?, then let her. Is she not able to do so .. then why in the name of God do you find it acceptable to not push her to do otherwise .. and then send directives into this corner.
There .. as I slept on it all last night, is why it drives me to the point of distraction.
So .. as was said before, .. find a way to turn a deaf ear to all the extra drama and let it all go. That's what I need to do!
Ignore your sister in law. Block her texts. Tell DH that you're no longer in the loop with his hyperanxious sister's hints; you are going to respond to his mom's requests and nothing else.
IF, as they all say, MIL is competent to make her own decisions (and it sounds like she knows her own mind) SHE gets to decide which docs to get shlepped to.
If SHE asks you how to arrange to get to the eye doctor, I'm sure you'd help her out.
It's SIL's implied "Dorker, you're right there, you need to do it" stuff that makes you crazy.
Make sure you separate the two.
And if SIL and DH decide that MIL ISN'T competent to make her own decisions, well, that brings upon THEM a whole different level of responsibility for getting her care, doesn't it?
This is THEIR mom. You're her friend.
There may be a Big Showdown when SIL comes with her family next month. Interesting that she is at least doing the talk about actually taking MIL back to IL with her (of course, this could be delayed while she recovers from her son's stateside visit with his family).
You know, since you are now visiting MIL once a week and helping her with things SHE requests (or not; mopping the floor/clearing the branches from the yard), it seems that you are enjoying her company much more, yes? Your stepping and fetching is clearly defined as occurring once a week with a few hours' time.
I have no idea if SIL has put a "hint" in his ear as to MIL's upcoming eye doc appt., he hasn't mentioned it, at all. I haven't asked him. But you can bet if she has, it has fallen on deaf ears as do most things that come from that corner, .. until ... he finally does sit up and take notice, .. and usually with exasperation and sometimes some blow-back at his sister (justifiably so). But there is good reason why, as she has put it before, "I wish he was more responsive, I try to reach out to him and don't get a response".
I see why.
She hasn't said that to me, in a long while, .. and better that she doesn't. She would hear, as she did when she mentioned it the last time, .. "that's between you two to work out, I'm no longer going to nag him about things that aren't mind to concern myself with".
It's very interesting to note, in conversation visiting with MIL yesterday and her on the topic of her daughter. She was talking of how her daughter runs the husband's every breath .. and she can do so, because he is all but a zombie at this point, .. so drugged up for his bipolar disorder.
She's not wrong. Her husband is a kind/caring, loving person .. but he is also .. as MIL describes, a zombie. I suppose one could tell him to go walk off that cliff over there, and he'd do it without question.
Her point in talking about that, is this. Her daughter would "like" to be able to control her world also .. MIL's world, and her every breath .. but as MIL put it, .. "I'm not like him .. I won't blindly follow whatever she directs ..I have a brain of my own and my own wishes and thoughts".
Good point.
She is very very accurate in her description above. Very astute.
As I shared with her, while on that topic ... and she was aware, even then ... "back when you stayed with us the last time, to shelter from the hurricane, if I heard one more time from her, that we need to go and clear out your perishables from your fridge, for fear you'd be taken home and eat something spoiled .. if she told us once, she told us 100 x's ... I was ready to get on a plane for IL and go choke the chit out of her .... I don't need to be told over and over and over ... but I guess in her world .. dealing with her husband ... she feels that appropriate .. and that is most of her interaction on a daily basis .. is with her husband ... and when she then has to deal with "others" who aren't zombi-fied ... she doesn't know that other people function just fine without being directed as to their every breath and every move".
Maybe that's why ... as MIL was describing yesterday having mentioned her back hurting ... and her daughter then off to the races .. as to seeing that maybe she needs to be seen at the doc .. get Dorker over there to take her, .. so on and so forth .. maybe that's why ...
Maybe it's not so much her directing the show from a standpoint of ... "I'm walking both sides of the fence here", maybe it's just how she's made .. that she thinks she has to jump in and direct the chorus in every direction .. no matter who it is.
It makes me nutz, dealing with it. And as I said, DH does seem to have the capacity to shut it off, to a large degree. I would do well, to do exactly that myself. Shut it off.
It makes MIL crazy too, .. her daughter's constant direction and so forth. Her daughter, with her worry about her mom shopping new h/o insurance, .. and her daughter trying to insist that she go look up Dorker to come assist. Her insisting to her daughter, "I CAN DO THIS ........... NOW LET ME DO IT".
Her daughter did mention to me, via text, that she knew her mom had worked on that for 2 days and she hopes her mom made a sound decision with whomever she went with for her new h/o insurance.
That too, .. if I'd take the ball and run with it, she'd be all too content .. go over to MIL's dig out the paperwork, make sure the deductible isn't too high, make sure there aren't any exclusions there shouldn't be .. make sure it's a solid rated company she's gone with, so on and so forth. Not doing it.
Again, I don't walk both sides of the fence. Either she is of sound mind .. and can manage, and has "team" to help her do so ... or she doesn't. If she "does" .. and all is well, .. to leave her be .. then I'm gonna live with that as the assumption and not be at the ready to go sort thru any number of variables and need/want/whim that crops up .. she can manage. If she doesn't .. and we need to all have our fingers in every pie of what goes on in that hemisphere .. then that's another kettle of fish to fry .. and she and her brother need to be sorting that thru. It's one or the other.
I'm not going to block her texts ....
As one person put it here long ago, . no need to throw out the baby with the bathwater as they say ... MIL will one day be gone .. and these are people that presumably will still be around, .. important that the relationship still be an amicable one if possible.
I won't block her texts and shut her out ......
And .. she hasn't been texting me with any number of requests .. she's obviously gotten the memo that I'm not the "go to" any longer.
I suppose yesterday being an exception as she knows I go there on Thursday of every week. And who knows . maybe that wasn't her intent at all .. that I hop onto this task and speak to it, .. and now we have that nice little chore buttoned up nice and cozy .. that Dorker will step to that doc appt .. and see it through. Maybe that wasn't her intent at all (I don't buy that) .. maybe she merely wanted that I also remind her mom. But even that, .. not mine to see to. If she can manage .. then . let her.
And yes, it does sound like MIL is cancelling appts. MIL even said as much yesterday when I was there. I don't have any clue what might've been on the radar as to doc appts she was to have seen to, but as she put it, .. describing that she isn't gonna be about running the roads going to docs all the time, .. she said the following: "If I have to, I will cancel that appt too .. like I've done with the others ... I told SIL that I am not doing it, and I have cancelled all the appts she made for me".
I didn't acknowledge nor wring my hands in any way. Just listened.
I figured, when this supposed team was sold as the direction going forward .. that it would be about baseless. And it seems that's what it's turning out to be. So be it. Also, not mine to solve.
Many lessons to be learned in it all, ..and another one, finding a deaf ear to turn to all the drama.
SIL being part of the team sees herself as the executive director issueing the orders. You and DH are the minions ready to jump when called. Unfortunately for you DH got the picture sooner than you did so took "sick days" and will continue to do so till his mother really really needs help and even then his involvement will be limited.
SIL is giving lip service to moving MIL to IL but she never actually does it as demonstrated last hurricane season. SIL just wants to be the big cheese with all the accolades on her walls.
Why does she wait on MIL hand and foot which clearly annoys MIL, it is a mixture of guilt and the need to feel she is the golden daughter. Usually the son is the golden child but SIL is going to make sure that never happens.
No money to follow in this case but the adulation as the favorite child is a good substitute.
Where do you fit in Dorker? I think MIL actually respects you. You don't order her around or jump to her every whim. You are just Dorker and she likes that.
Already discussed this storm with SIL .. via text yesterday. And true to form, me .. not thinking fast enough on my feet, to ride this wave and send wringing of hands and gnashing of teeth over what is sure to be *a horrible upcoming season*, wish I'd of thought of it. She was just texting to thank for her bday card we'd sent her way and asked if we have big plans for the holiday weekend. Told her the truth .. no ... it looks as though it's gonna be rainy here, gonna be low key .. that storm brewing out there in the Gulf of Mexico .. gonna send loads of rain here, for the weekend.
If I'd of thought of it, I'd of gotten on the crest of that wave and rode it, .. with the gnashing of teeth and wringing of hands as to how busy this upcoming storm season looks to be and that we must must must .. oh how we must . get plans underway for evacuation of the elderly mother.
Wouldn't of done any good, .. the plans are cast at this point. Her son comes with his 3 entitled children ... and so her world will be focused on that for the next coming weeks. She "says" her plans are to recoop after the whirlwind of what will be her son's brood, and then head this way to help her mom to organize what she thinks she needs to take with her, to IL and then fly her mom to IL with her. That's what she "says". We will see.
Found it interesting in talking to MIL the other day when I visited. You have to remember, I had sent that (yes it was intended to be snarky) text back to SIL at that point in time, pondering what the plans are going forward as to hurricane season and it's approach and MIL's evacuation from this area. I was at MIL's when that response came. And true to form, with SIL it was pages and pages .. and thus .. dings and dings and dings .. and so MIL wondering what that was, what were all the dings.
I told her, "That would probably be your daughter, she's the only only one that texts in pages and pages and pages". Pulled my phone up and looked at it, yes indeed, SIL.
That's when she responded telling me of her plans .. that the son is coming with family, hopes to recoop from that visit .. and then come this way again, to help her mom organize what she needs to take, .. and that she will fly home with her .. but that she also has several doc appts to see to herself ...
MIL wanting to know what in the world SIL has texted me that it would be pages and pages. I told her, .. "she's just talking of her plans .. as to coming here with her son and his family and then returning home, to then come back here to help you to fly there .. and some doc appts she has upcoming".
MIL then .. it was almost as if she is laying the ground work, the foundation for the basis that she isn't going anywhere, ever. Her talking of her visit with one of the church ladies the other day and their conversation. The specific church lady is divorced and lives alone .. and so they talked about living alone .. and that MIL expressed to this church lady how she is just fine there, by herself ... that she is good company for herself .. she isn't lonely .. she likes being there alone .. it's where she's most comfortable, in her own home. She then goes into this dialogue to explain the following: (Paraphrasing) .. "you know, when you guys all want me to go somewhere, or over to your house .. or whatever and I say that I'm not going to do that, .. it's not because I dislike anyone .. it's more just .. ya know .. I like it here, right by myself ... I'm comfortable here .. I'm not someone that sits here wringing my hands, well where are they, why don't they come ... they don't come ... I sit here so lonely .. that's not me .. that's not what I'm about, .. I'm fine here, by myself .. in my own home ... it's where I feel most comfortable, .. and I just really have to pick and choose what I do these days as to going anywhere, and there's really nowhere that I want to be, other than right here .. when I go somewhere else, I have to struggle to get around so .. and I have to figure out what seat is suitable that I can get down into .. and get back up from .. and I have my grab bars here .. and the toilet, .. getting down onto a toilet, and back up .. it's all set up for me here, perfectly .... so .... I hope you guys all know, when I don't participate and go somewhere, .. it's not because I dislike any one of you, it's more a matter that this is where I'm better off, it's where I want to be, right here in my home".
Sounded to me like the preface for a decision that will hit the fan shortly .. when she refuses evacuation to IL for the upcoming storm season.
I didn't question that, ..
I did however, when the opportunity arose .. enter some dialogue about her daughter's home and going there, and that I think she will find that her daughter, .. in her own home ... and her there with her, isn't the Hovering Helena she finds her to be here .. when visiting here. That, in her own home .. she will have her focus on her things, .. the things she needs to do there, ... when she comes here, that's her sole focus .. is her mom and her mom's house, her car, her yard, her dog .. so on .. but that at her own home ... she will have more focus on her own things she needs to do and won't be such a Hovering Helena .............
MIL only responded, with a pondering look, and a "I hope so".
I still am not convinced the above wasn't being said as laying ground work for refusal to go any damn where. Nothing I can do about it though.
Imparted that info also in conversation answering to MIL as to what in the world SIL had sent in the form of pages and pages of texts.
MIL answered that: "Now i have not said a thing about driving there ....that's not anything I've even brought up or talked about".
She then goes on to say: "But I do wonder, .. how will I get all that I need to take, between me and my dog .. how will I do that, flying there, .. ya know .. I mean .. I can't fit all that in one suitcase".
I responded, "you are coming back here right?!?!?!?, .... what in the world do you need to take that you're concerned about that? I mean, .. she has a washing machine .. you take enough clothes, take your dog's bed linens .. they have dog food and treats up there .. what else is there to concern yourself with taking?".
It's almost like she's on this train that ... there are so many memories and "things" there that she just cannot bear to be apart from .....
Huh?
You're coming back ... this is just for a few months .. right? I mean c'mon .. we're not at the stage here that we need to rent a moving truck to get all your "things" somehow transported ...
I think ..... this particular dialogue kinda took her back .. knocked her off center momentarily .....
I think she was on the thought process there will be too much to take ... (and maybe she thinks that will get her out of having to do this).
When she was met with my return volley of .. "you are coming back right??!?!!?, what can you possibly have to take that would be too much to fly with, .. so you take luggage and pack it and you check a bag or two, even if you have to pay for it ... as extra luggage .. and then you bring an overnight bag and that goes in the overhead storage in the plane .. it's doable ... ".
It did seem to give her pause ... almost as if she had to think about ... and give it some thought ... "gee, that argument isn't flying .. now what ..???....".
Even her daughter, .. when later ... I had responded, to her, .. "well you know .. it's always an option that DH fly with her there, or myself .. rather than you having to come back here to do so".
I did that on purpose, because I wanted to make it clear that her *supposed* doc appts that she somehow sees as .. seemingly .. an impediment to any progress here .. (as if doc appts won't be something she can see to, while caring for her mother in her own home) .. her putting that out there, as to other issues on her radar that have to be seen to, .. I had answered to that, it's always an option that DH can fly her there . or I can ... (don't want her to think that her DOCTOR appts she must see to, .. are going to be something that will stave off this whole thing, WE CAN GET HER THERE, if that's the impediment, it's not that big a deal). I had put that out there, and even her ....(I guess buying into this whole *trauma/drama thing) "probably gonna be necessary that I be the one to help mom to get organized with what she brings here .. and help her with that process, .. it's gonna be somewhat stressful and traumatic for her ..".
Now,... you fine folks here, get me back in line if I need to be .....
But ... I am failing to see where the "trauma" is in all this. She isn't packing up a moving van to move from her beloved home forever and ever amen .. and will never see her home again .. or her things ... this is transitional .. this is something that will get her out of harm's way as the upcoming storm season approaches and the beginning of .. what is supposed to be .. a setting where her daughter will house her, in her home .. for several months and then her daughter will come back here with her, to MIL's home .. and stay with her .. and so it will go .. that's the "plan" anyway .. as it's been said.
Where's the trauma in that? I'm not seeing it. Maybe my position in all this, .. has been clouded and I don't see it. But I truly don't .. I don't see any need for pondering and organization of what all needs to be brought there .... and how in the world is it even possible, there's so much .. too much to fly with .... and what to take .. wringing hands, gnashing teeth over it, .. and the "trauma" ...(??).....where/how?
Don't forget, things can be shipped.
There are also folks who are "awfulizers". Anything that can be spun negatively, is. I had a friend call me me weeping one day because our union had switched her to the "cost care" prescription plan. It means you're on multiple meds, get them set mail order and get cncierge level prescription management. This was, fir some reasonn, the end of the world to her.
For some folks ( and my mom was like this) certain things, actions, are "significant". They "mean" something. MIL clearly views going to stay with her daughter as not a nice change of scenery. Maybe it means to her, that she's no longer the tough Floridian, storm -hardened and self -sufficient, who now has to be a refugee in Yankeeville, IL.
Maybe staying in Florida, in AL could be presented that way? Just for the storm season? That's how we got my mom there.
Anyone brought up AL recently? You can be alone at an AL too!
As for the dog. He is small right? he can be in the cabin with you in a small crate. You will either have to buy him a seat or have him under your feet. I think there is a chage anyway
I don't know why MIL would think that there will be any impediment to a return trip here, unless that would occur as a result of injury or illness .. and her there, all her treasures here. That's not the "plan" as has been put forth .. she is to return here.
So .. this supposed .. "there's so much to take and it's going to be traumatic and stressful" .. I'm just not on that page.
She'll obviously have to take more clothes than she'd need to plan for if she were remaining in a warm climate. She will be going to IL .. .and for a few (?) several months ... (remains unanswered, how long) ... but in IL the weather can begin to turn cooler in September even, .. certainly into October .. not so here, in FL. In FL ..we've celebrated many thanksgiving and christmases with A/C blaring full blast. It's hot here, .. about 9 months out of the year, if not more.
She'd have to take along clothes that are suitable for warm weather, but also for colder weather. That is going to necessitate more packing than would otherwise be the case. But .. I don't see even that as so insurmountable.
Her dog has the bed linens (special bed linens) that he's accustomed to, sleeping in her bed with her .. those too . so fold em up and put em in a suitcase .. not that big a deal. Her dog has also, .. a carry bag that she keeps all his important papers in .. as to his many ailments and such. That too, .. throw it in the suitcase..not that big a problem.
She keeps a running file of all her ailements and so forth also .. a box she keeps it all in .. to refer to. That too, .. pile it into a suitcase if you think you have to have it.
Other than that, I don't see the problem.
And Barb, .. yes .. one might would presume it an option to present "an AL is always an option you might want to consider".
As has been well established here ... she isn't gonna even entertain that notion one iota .. and not only that .. as has also been mentioned here .. she wants what she wants .. her beckon call of what she has as servants .. at an AL she'd have to pay for said service .. and we know she can't afford that.
No, ... what will likely happen (but I'm truly not gonna hold my breath and stomp my feet about it, .. .I will plan accordingly for myself, .. and my whereabouts as to any upcoming storms and the rest of it can fall as it falls) .... what will likely happen is she will refuse to go any where .. her home where she's comfortable, being the optimal setting for her, (so she says) . and that will be the line towed by her offspring .. and so .. a horrible storm approaches and it will be DH who has to then sort thru how best to meet that need .. to make sure his mom is secure .. a mom who has said she's not going anywhere ...
A storm approaches, MIL digs in her heels that she isn't even coming here to shelter... that she'll be fine ..she will manage .. and DH upset that she cannot manage .. no .. not without power for days .. and so forth .. and her refusal to come this way .. and a daughter in IL also wringing her hands, gnashing her teeth at it all, from afar .. and a DH here who is disgusted and throwing up his hands ... and now angry that his mother is digging in her heels ..
And all the while I have departed for my mom's in SC .. and away from any peril in this vicinity.
That's my prediction ... and the 3 of them can all hash out what they do ....
I'm not going to get overwrought with it all ....
She masks her deficit with big declarative statements. Or catastrophizing. Or insisting that she “needs to think about XXXXXX.”
How many times have you gone to MIL’s house and her legs were swollen to the max, but all she could talk about was special-needs dog food and dead branches cluttering her (unused) backyard?
That deep-dive that MIL did with her homeowners insurance that took 2 full days? If you were a fly on he wall, what you witnessed probably would have taken you or me 45 minutes to organize.
Contrast this with SIL’s yap-fests. Wow. Just wow.
SIL has taken no measures to educate herself about the Big Picture with elder issues, has she? Her hamster wheel spins solely to address her mother’s physical shortcomings.
SIL probably views her mother’s personality issues as simply personality issues. (Plenty of that to go around in their family.) “And if Mom would just listen,” yada yada yada. “If Mom would just take my advice and make XXXXXX changes,” etc etc etc.
From one pain in the azz to another, that makes perfect sense. But SIL is missing a crucial piece of the puzzle now. It’s a fruitless mistake for SIL to keep plowing along as if her mother has an 87-y.o. body and a 47-y.o. mind.
Not sure how (or if) SIL will ever see the light. She’s not a good listener.
I just see an opportunity to say " well, there's an alternative to going to Sils, isn't there. You'd be safe and sound and looked after in any of the Las here.
She's been so much more flexible lately, hasn't she?
The stuff she needs " servents" for, to snap to-- yard work, housekeeping? Thats all part of AL. No lawn to mow, Windows to tend, weeds, snakes, washing machines.....
Traveling to IL by car is problematic--with MIL's edema, that's about the last thing her dr would suggest. She'd be miserable and it's also possibly life threatening to take long car trips with CHF. Yes, she could haul half of her house with her, but this is just "temporary" right? Then she shouldn't need more than 2 large bags! She barely gets dressed most days now--a lot of her lounging wear, and some dressier stuff. She certainly does NOT need a suitcase of tchotchkes and junk.
As far as her medical records--her PCP could have a quick write-up of her meds list and an "overview" of her general health. Add in her Advanced Directives and you've got ONE folder of info. No need whatsoever to haul a box of medical documents unless she was moving to IL permanently. No doubt SIL will WANT to haul her to a buncha docs in IL, but MIL Is cancelling right and left every drs appt., right? She might need to see a PCP for some kind of checkup, but no major procedures--unless she has a fall, and even then, the ER docs don't want a box of old medical records to look at!
Ramping up to this--I know you want to be serene and just deal with what you need to deal with--but I feel you may not get that.
Too bad SIL will not simply commit to a date. Pay for the airline tickets for whomever/whatever is flying and just....go. I can guarantee the tickets OUT of FL during Hurricane season are extremely costly, when bought at the last minute.
But, then, I am a planner by nature and I don't like surprises.
I am sure that leaving her home is, to MIL, a step away into the NH abyss she so wants to avoid. Treat it like a visit--not a "forever" thing. I highly doubt SIL will actually make any kind of step in the direction of getting MIL's status as a resident changed to IL, nor has she done diddly squat about looking into long term care for her in IL.
I know I was kind of adamant that you cut ties with SIL, but you are a better person than I. You still get all those texts, directing you..and you're pretty much ignoring them. Good for you!
If you can be MIL's advocate, while pushing her ever so gently towards the stay in IL--it would be great. You're finding your friendship with MIL, and considering everything you've been through with her, I am impressed!
Good luck, going fwd. I know you don't want to deal with poochy, but make sure that ESA is not out of date. If it "expires" MIL will never leave!
BTW, I think SIL needs a fistful of Xanax. She makes ME anxious and I am 3000 miles away from her.
Midkid makes an excellent point and one I will remember to cite should it come up again, "there's so much to take". MIL stays in PJ's most days anymore ...why would there be a need to take a closet full of clothes, winter and summer both. I will certainly remember to cite that point.
This whole storm season approach and evac or not of MIL .. it's almost laughable to me, really.
I mean, you have to understand, that I preface it all with the very real realization .. we have been DECADES in the past .. with not a single threat. That could be the case this coming year, and years beyond. That's the truth of the matter. One never knows. And so to get all overwrought over something that may or may not even be a peril ... is kinda silly.
I realize that, very very much so.
I also however, am a person who likes to take all contingencies and stack them in order and priority and put them neatly on the shelf for safe keeping. I'm a planner, some would say "anal".
I can't make other people think/act as I do, anymore than I can think/act the opposite. All I can do is plan for myself ... and what works for me .. and my characteristics and personality.
Me, being the planner ... (anal) ... horror that some might find me to be ... I will make my contingency plan, should there be need to get the h3!! outta dodge ... I have a plan and I will take that course.
DH, you have to understand, his mindset .. as to his own well being and these things .. he says he will NEVER leave .. never! That's what his stance is and he's sticking to it.
He has his reasons .. (I think not founded in the reality of how bad things can get, but that's how he is). His stance is, no matter what, he AINT leaving.
He has never (nor have I, for that matter) been on the other end of the barrel of one that is predicted to be absolute devastation .. look at south FL in the early 90's the place was wiped off the face of the map for all practical purposes. Look at New Orleans several years back.
It can happen .........
It just hasn't happened here.
............yet!
But it could.
Me, being the planner, all contingencies in their place, nice and neatly .. I want to make sure all my contingencies are nicely stacked and organized. Him .. not so much.
I can't change how he thinks/acts .. anymore than he can change how I think/act.
All I can do is plan accordingly for myself.
What I know about me is this.
I have housed/sheltered MIL in these things .. and not nearly as bad as what's listed above .. but bad enough when we've been without power and downed tree limbs .. and so forth, localized flooding, for days .. but not shear devastation .. no.
I know that I don't wish to do that again. Thus, my push (which can all be for naught) .. to get MIL safely tucked away in IL with her daughter, at this time of year .. as storm season approaches. No, I don't even want to have to house/shelter her for the lesser of how bad it gets .. that which we have experienced, much less the shear devastation that can occur (just hasn't .. yet ... may never, who knows). I don't want to partake of that setting any longer. Thus, .. plan accordingly for yourself.
Does it make me mad that her selfish decisions would then impact my world and what I have to do .. to suit my own self?
Yes, it does. Very much so. Because she wants to be so selfish as to demand she be left here in her own home .. and such an event, ..lesser or more severe, could then be bearing down upon us ... and her so selfish as to refuse to go stay with her daughter for a few months .. then means that I have to uproot or put up with sheltering/housing her again. Yes, that makes me angry.
But in reality .....
What's anyone gonna do. It's illegal to tie her up and throw her over your shoulder dragging her kicking and screaming from her home.
The loss of Executive Function that Blackhole cited.
If we're to go on what has been said .. at least last hurricane season .. she said she would never leave her home to shelter again ... that she'd stay right there ....
If you remember last time when she sheltered here and she had her bags packed, ready to be taken home. No power anywhere, and that includes her home/neighborhood .. and she was still packed and ready to go home .. .and quite incensed that no one would accommodate that request. Her stance, at least at that point in time, and beyond it when she stated rather emphatically she'd never leave her home again to shelter away from a storm, her stance one of "I am FL born and raised, I have weathered these things all my life .. I will be fine".
Arguing with her that she wasn't always weathering these things at 88 years old, with mobility and health issues ... did no good.
Loss of Executive Function.
Her daughter .. who will indeed allow her mom .. should her mom dig in her heels on it .. to stay put ... more concerned that we get out there to dispose of perishables that she may consume once brought back home (perishables that had sat in a fridge for days with no power). No, .. let's don't concern ourselves with the fact this is a person who shouldn't even be here, and is ill equipped to do the chore above herself .. and/or see to it herself that she doesn't consume spoiled foods. No, the concern was more, blow up our phones to get us on the stick .. and hopping to, to go dispose of foods at MIL's house .. even though MIL was sheltered here, no power any damn where .. why the rush to go dispose of foods out there, .. she isn't imminently being brought back to her home, there is no power there.
That's what I mean. You have a daughter that doesn't look at the "real time" picture .. and dig a little deeper as to what lies underneath and her lack of ability to manage .. but is quick to send directive from afar ...
You have a MIL who has some loss of Executive Function .. and no one addressing that .. and allowing her the latitude to make decisions she really shouldn't be making .. decisions that aren't in her best interest.
It's very interesting talking to DH about all the above. His stance is very much so .. stomping his feet almost .. that his MOTHER IS GOING TO IL ..............no if's/ands or buts about it. She is going! You then ask him, ............. "and what if she refuses .. you can't throw her over your shoulder and drag her, so what then". He says, "SHE IS GOING .............. I'm not putting up with that chit again". ".............and what if she flat out refuses, what are you gonna do about it, .. there's not a thing you can do".
He takes this stance mostly because his mother dug in her heels last time and was ready to be taken home far before it was safe for her to do so .. he .. generally speaking . has enough to handle in times like these, with manning the generator here to power our fridge and freezers .. and lights ..etc .. and any other incidentals that occur, ...
The very thought he'd have his mother digging in her heels that she is NOT leaving, she will stay put right there where she's most comfortable in her own home ... (a home with no generator that will power lights, fridges) .. windows that are old and don't open .. thus no real ventilation (as if there is any ventilation to be had, when the weather is 90 degrees plus with 1K% humidity in the air) ... the very thought he'd have to now man two stations for all practical purposes, by running to check on his mother at her house where she is firmly entrenched and will not leave .. and yet be here to also man this station .. and all that's involved.
Thus his firm stance of "SHE IS GOING TO SISTER'S!!!!!!!!!!!".
Yet when you question him on just how he thinks that might happen if his mom digs in her heels that she's not going .. he has no answers. He only says, "oh me and Sister are going to make her understand, there are no options .. this isn't up for negotiation".
I asked him, ..........."..and do you ...???....have you got your sister on board for that stance .. you guys have talked?".
No but we will, if she does that .. I'm going to let sister know myself .. this aint up for negotiation damn&t ........... she's going .........
(this is all a real conversation that has taken place between DH and myself)
Me: "and when your sister balks .. well brother .. I can't drag her outta here any better than you can .. and she won't go, she refuses ... what do you want me to do, tie her up .. I can't do that .. you assume you have your sister on the same page here ... that hasn't been the case .. I don't know why you think it would be at this point".
DH: "She is going to IL, I'm not putting up with that horse chit again ... ".
Me: "I just .. I dunno .. I mean there's not a lot you can do if she refuses".
(this part would be very interesting to watch it play out)
DH: "Well then if she digs in her heels and won't go, . then she can sit her decrepit self out there in the storm .. and not leave and come here .. too damn bad ... I'm not gonna fight with her .. she thinks she can manage ........... fine ............... that's what she'll get to do, she can sit out there with no generator at all to power her fridge or any lights .. and windows that don't open to offer any ventilation .. and figure out how she's gonna hobble around with just a flashlight .. and her having to hold onto a walker to even get around .. I'm not gonna fight with her".
Me: "and then you know what's gonna happen .. your sister will be BLOWING YOUR PHONE UP ............ with worry about your mom .. and can you go see about her .. her phone is out and she can't reach her .. and she's not answering her cell phone .. and I hope she's not eating spoiled foods and can you stay out there with her .. I just am so worried about her ...".
DH: "Sister can kiss it where the sun don't shine .. and she will be told SHE ISN'T EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE HERE, SHE'S SUPPOSED TO BE ON YOUR SOFA IN IL .............. NOT HERE ...................NO ............ I'm not going out there to stay with her, she was offered to come here, she refused .. she can sit her azz out there".
Would be very interesting to see how all the above would actually play out in the end.
I wouldn't be here of course, I'd be in SC at my mom's. As I don't care to have to shelter a needy elderly person again, and their dog .. even if it's the lesser of how severe it can get (as has been the experience here each time).
Does it make me angry that I would have to uproot .. and go elsewhere (even when it isn't as severe as call for evacuation) simply because it's my choice not to be a part of sheltering a needy elderly .. and her dog ... and so now .. because I don't wanna have to put up with that .. I have to be the one to uproot and go.
Yes it does. If MIL would just not be so selfish and go spend some time with her daughter (this is temporary afterall) .. then should there be need to .. oh boy here we go again, another one aiming this way .. doesn't look too bad .. but here we go again .. me to be able to have the choice .. stay here ..???...go...???.....
Where otherwise .. I will have made my choice .. by force really .. .I'm leaving .. simply because I don't want to be here .. to care for an elderly .. in the event of such ..
Yes it makes me angry. It does. I would like to think I have the latitude, within my own home ... a home that is MINE .. to not have to leave .. if I don't want to .. but to do otherwise is to know that I will be here, to manage an elderly and her dog .. or at least be aloof and so forth as I was the last time .. so I will leave.
It's so stupid and asinine to get all overwrought over something that may not even be any issue at all. God knows, we've been decades before where there has been zero threat. So to get all up in arms and *well what if this, what if that* ....... it's just stupid.
The thing that makes the most sense to me, is if MIL would stop being so stubborn and selfish and this time ... go ahead and go to your daughter's for a while ... spend some time there .. and away from this area during what *can be* some treacherous weather .. just quit being so stubborn.
But I'm not 88 years old with a myriad of health concerns .......and this seeming attachment to all the "memories" in my household. "memories" and "things" that its going to cause so much "trauma/drama" to have to uproot and leave .. if only temporarily.
And yes, I agree SIL needs a fistful of Xanex .. but she also needs a fistful of some clarity pills too.
It would indeed be very interesting to watch .. SIL blowing up DH's phone .. MIL dug in firmly in place in her home .. a storm that has blown through and not major devastation everywhere (God Forbid) .. but enough that there is power loss and trees down etc .. and SIL blowing up DH's phone here .. and him absolutely furious .. that his mother has been so stubborn and this is now the situation with him fielding his sister's gnashing of her teeth and his mother out there dug in ...
He'd be livid .. is an understatement.
Me .. I'd be in SC ... away from it all. Not necessarily what I want to do ... if it's not real bad, I'd like the latitude to stay in my own home and not have to travel .. but not at the cost of the care of an elderly feeble mother in law and her dog which also is needy. No thanks. Been there/done that, too many times. I'll clear out.
It's about the very real threat to her son's life if he needs to go rescue her in the middle of a storm.
I've faced this twice. Once with my mom at the beginning of the Nor'easter/winter storm season in '11, I think. Nearly got killed by a spinning truck on ice, getting to mom. Second time during Sandy, when my friend insisted her 90 yo mom would be fine in her high-rise in Coney Island. No power. No water, etc.
I don't risk life and limb for anyone but my kids. And I raised my kids not to be stupid.
She masks her deficit with big declarative statements. Or catastrophizing. Or insisting that she ‘needs to think about XXXXXX.’”
Wow, that is exactly what my mother does.
Dorker: "You have a MIL who has some loss of Executive Function .. and no one addressing that .. and allowing her the latitude to make decisions she really shouldn't be making .. .decisions that aren't in her best interest."
Just how does one address executive function? Isn't that what SIL is trying to do with her 3-4x/day phone calls? And exactly how does someone really force any actions on someone who has not been declared incompetent? (This really resonates with me, because we are having some of the same issues with my mother right now in terms of her insisting on doing things that can be unsafe.)
We have been very fortunate here that the storms we've weathered, .. the worst of it has been some power loss (for days) and some downed trees, roads impassible til cleared, some localized flooding (not us, but areas nearby) ... that's been the worst it's been. Not too bad in the broad scheme of things of how bad it CAN BE.
I have a brother who, at the time of the hurricane that obliterated parts of south FL .. was a claims adjuster and so was on site for months there, to work that for an insurance company he worked for at the time. I remember him telling me how hard it was to even get around, .. markers.....road signs .. geographical markers "turn right at the Burger King" for instance ........... it's all gone ........... there are no markers left to orient one's self to, as to direction. I remember seeing the pictures of it all.
I haven't lived through anything of the sort .. nor has DH (thus his stance that he is staying here . not leaving .. ever). I don't feel that way. Were the threat bad enough, I'm outta here .. no question about it. I don't wish to hunker down in my house as it rattles and sways and the tornado barrels down and rips the roof off my home and me now standing there with everything I own in shreds and thankful I'm still alive, at least . if I'm alive. I'd rather be gone from this proximity.
We've never faced a threat like that ... and maybe never will, who knows.
But that's my point, IT CAN BE THAT BAD ...................... Indeed it can.
No one has a crystal ball they can pull out to say "ahh, don't worry, I have this crystal ball here .. there's gonna be a really bad one in 2028 ............ but til then .. no worries".
The very thought that his mom would dig in her heels and refuse to leave .. all on the premise "I'm FL born and raised, I've weathered these things all my life" .......
NOT AT 88 YEARS OLD and unable to do for yourself you haven't.
And that then putting DH's life on the line (should the above devastation be the order of the day as to what's coming at us) ........... that makes me livid.
But am I gonna die on the sword of what may or may never happen? Nah.
For me to take the stance, .. particularly when that kinda thing .. at least in our reality that we live, has only been seen on tv news .. not anything we've experienced ourselves .. for me to take that stance, 'BUT DH you could die .............. you've seen it on the news ... your mom digs in her heels and then has to be rescued and here you are in that kinda situation and having to go rescue her and you could die!!!!!!!!!!!!!".
Yes, I see that as something that could happen. And yes, it makes me angry.
But do I see it as any real point of contention anyone else will sit up and take notice of .. particularly those who aren't "planners" like myself. Not a chance.
And yes, Linda22, great suggestion. I will remember that one too. She can ship clothes up there also .. it's not that big a deal.
Years ago, when the kids were small, we spent a xmas up there. That was when santa was a real thing for the kids .. and so "santa" was shipped up there, and "shipped" back. So that they'd wake up in the morning and find that santa had visited them there, it was shipped there. And then when it was time for us to come home, we didn't concern ourselves with how to fit tons of toys into suitcases, we got a couple of boxes and had it all mailed here. No problem. Same can be done with winter clothes that may be needed.
She is also not going to make contingency plans different from those she has made all her adult life.
Okay.
So the wind blows and the rain comes and the trees fall flat and the power goes out. DH does what? - nails up the shutters and checks the generator? And you will have heeded weather warnings and decamped. And MIL... can do whatever little old ladies who haven't made any plans do. Get rescued by strapping emergency workers and appear on the front page of the local newspaper. Get found ten days later, and get their wicked ungrateful children onto the front page of the local newspaper. Whatever.
Whatever happens will not be your doing. Let MIL be, along with the hundreds of thousands of other people whose lives you are not responsible for.
This might make you giggle - the Meteorological Office, whose website I go to because their weather forecasts are the least wrong, usually, has issued weather warnings because we will be getting heavy rain and thunderstorms (possibly) over the next few days. By your standards these will be a light shower with a bit of a breeze; but the Met Office is paid to worry. People might panic and start driving into each other (actually that is quite probable - it's amazing how surprised people are, every single time, to discover that it takes their cars longer to brake when the road is wet).
Anyhoooooo... the other thing they worry about is our all losing our heads if the sun peeps out, rushing to the beach, and getting swept out to sea by the treacherous tides.
Honestly, you'd think the country was entirely populated by lemmings, but there it is.
What did catch my eye was their advice about what to do if you suddenly find yourself out of your depth in cold water. Not a big risk where I live, but you never know. I suppose.
DO NOT TRY TO SWIM! they warn. If you try to swim, the shock of cold water will initiate a gasp reflex, you will inhale the water and you will drown. And then won't you wish you'd listened to them.
What you must do is force yourself to stay calm and allow yourself to float. Which you will, unless you're wearing lead boots; and then your body will adjust, you will regain your ability to orientate yourself, and you can make decisions about whether to head for land or whether to try to remember your survival lessons from childhood and start improvising a lifebuoy out of your nightie. If you happen to be wearing a nightie. Which I'm generally not, when I'm out with the dog, but I suppose a t-shirt would do just as well.
The *point* of all this is, metaphorically you're trying to swim. The planning, the worrying, the endless debate with an increasingly impatient DH - it's all swimming, before you know where you're going to need to swim *to*. Just float. From one week to the next, under constant review, it will become clear what genuinely needs doing, and by whom, and if it's you then you'll do it. And if you can't, then you can't, and it won't be your fault.
You yourself will not EVER need to take responsibility for an elderly woman who has a son, a daughter and good neighbours and a healthcare team of her own.
MIL is not your job.
Float.
"To travel with an emotional support animal on an airplane, you must provide supporting documentation that must be from a licensed mental health professional or a medical doctor which states the following:
*That you have a mental or emotional disability recognized in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition.
*That you need the emotional support animal as an accommodation for air travel and/or for an activity at your destination.
*That the individual providing the assessment is a licensed mental health professional or medical doctor, and you are under his or her professional care."
Wouldn't it be interesting to know just WHO diagnosed MIl with a mental or emotional disability? And just what the diagnosis was? I doubt MIL was dragged to a mental health practitioner. It must have been her PCP? (I wonder if the dix was narcissism. LOL)