I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Got a text last night from SIL. MIL had to pay the yard folks (irrigation company) $360 to repair some of the valves or sprinklers or something or other. This after having to pay to buy a new pump.
Rather than let SIL lament the plight of a poor MIL .. (limited funds) and having to do the above expense. I reminded her how much it has saved her, as to DH going there and fixing and installing the new pump she had to pay for, as well as the countless times he's fixed valves and sprinkler heads, including this time .. but there were some he was unable to fix .. had he not been able to do any of it, I shutter to think what the cost would've been in total.
Point being .... none of us like costly home repairs and those who are elderly and on extreme fixed budgets even less so. But such is the nature of being a homeowner, ... things are going to break .. and have to be repaired. In a lot of cases, DH is able to attend to things, .. for her .. which saves her scads of expense. There are times however, .. he can't fix things .... a few years back, her fridge on the fritz .. him unable to get it fixed on his own .. a repair person summoned, fridge shot ... need new fridge, expense. Grrrrr.
Her a/c .... it's old and limping along, but will cost about $4k - 6K .. somewhere in that range to replace it. The guy she uses for repair .. is aware she wishes to just limp along with it, .. as long as is possible ... (house is reverse mortgaged remember .. and she doesn't know, her days are numbered, she feels) .. why go in hock to the tune of that kinda $ for an a/c unit that will be someone else's in short order. DH ... usually can tweak some things with that also, but even that sometimes is beyond his pay grade to fix.
But he does save her a lot of $ with various repairs ...
I guess my point to SIL in returning volley on that text, .. was to be mindful that while that $360 to fix those valves .. had to have hurt ... to have to spend that kinda $ .. it would've been a lot more costly had DH not done what he could with it all, which was to fix some of it himself, not to mention all the other things he does attend to and fix routinely.
Such is the life of a homeowner.
And as Barb would put it .. she doesn't have to be there where she has to worry with such things. She could live in AL .. if she so chose .. and yard maintenance, irrigation, and a/c problems and fridge problems and so on and so forth .. someone else's to deal with. Firmly in that stance myself. But it's not up to me.
What happens when that AC does go? Or the house is beat up by a hurricane? I guess MIL only fusses what's on her plate in the moment. (BTW, your description of how she has to do laundry was hilarious--in a sad way).
Sad, b/c it doesn't have to be this way. And yet it will be until she passes. I think nobody believes she's going to IL for a visit, she wiggle out of that.
I just hope for everyone's sake, she can stay upright and functioning while the royals are here. I'm assuming she barely knows these ggrand kids, right? That should prove interesting.
This .. because .. she'd asked me to take her out and let her drive some .. just in the neighborhood to re-get a "feel" for driving again.
She hasn't driven at all, since she fell at xmas time. Has been too scared to do so .. because she realizes how "frail" she is (?) not sure. But now, I suppose, she has a hankering to do so. Asked me "if you'd like to do something to help me, would you be willing to work with me some on driving .. just .. at least some around the neighborhood here, so I can get a feel for it to see how I do".
My answer to that: "have you talked to your neurologist about that?, ... I'm just curious what their thoughts are, since you have such bad neuropathy in your feet/legs .. I don't think that's a good idea, but I guess if they don't have a problem with it ...??...., that and .. what does your son have to say about it, .. I know he doesn't want you driving".
Her answer in that realm: "I do have an appointment with the neurologist the end of June .. I need to talk with them I suppose .. but ya know, as to my son .. unless he has some other plan to get me to where I need to be .. something that works .. doesn't matter what he says ... if I want to drive, I'll do it".
Me: "I don't think that's probably a good idea, .. you need to talk to your neurologist and see what their thoughts are .. and you need to make sure H is alright with it .. I know he really DOES NOT want you driving .. so I'm not really willing to be a party to that, until you've satisfied both of the above".
Thus her answer: "Well you know .. I just .. the dentist office called me about an appt, and you know, they were needing to move my appointment .. and you know they are just right up here around the corner, they aren't far .. but I haven't driven in so long .. and I just don't even have a feel for it anymore, to know if I would be alright to do it, I"m just talking about driving just around the corner to the dentist office, or to the grocery .. not far ... but I just told them just to cancel it, .. I don't have any way to get to all these things and so I thought if I could just drive some just to see how I do with it .. but I guess, when I go to IL, I won't have to worry with it all".
She didn't say how she'd get to said neurology appointment end of June .. and I won't step into that gap .. unless she asks me to .. but even then, I hesitate to do so. Only because . one might think, "oh there's your perfect opportunity .. you go with her, and you stress your thoughts on that topic .. and get them to say no she shouldn't drive".
That puts me into the position of them possibly saying .. yes, she's fine to drive .. and so now it's on ... or .. what I think they might say ... *oh ya know there are some great PT/OT programs out there and you should probably participate in one of those before you attempt to drive again .. and maybe let's see where it all takes us once you do that".
Then, .. she won't do it .. and I'll be the one over here waving my hands .. "hey guys .. the doc said no, .. that she needs to participate in so and so program and she doesn't wanna do it .. she doesn't need to be driving" .....
Her daughter will be here any way at that specific time frame with her royal g'kids .. and so .. her daughter can take her to said appointment and yes I will mention to her that the Neurology needs to sign off on that, .. and where it goes from there, is not on me.
I don't think she was pleased with that as an answer, but I don't really let it bother me. I don't think she should be driving .. and so ... so be it.
But good she made that statement, "when I go to IL .. I won't have to worry with that", indication she has her mind set in that course going forward, .. at least at this moment.
And how to pay for ALF .......... if things ever took that course? She'd have to be Medicaid .. but as things stand right now, there's been no action taken to even qualify .. or see if there is qualification for said program.
As to her A/C and if it does go out .. what will she do. She does still have access to funds from her reverse mortgage .. when she reverse mortgaged her home .. umpteen years back .. she paid off her auto .. she paid off a face lift, put on a new roof .. any number of other things .. but she didn't spend every dime that was left in reserve .. and for this reason .. she knew .. there may be things that come up as to home maintenance.
She has the money to do so should that become necessary .. but I guess she doesn't want to do it if she doesn't have to, .. not sure why .. she doesn't have scads of $ sitting around that she's waiting to bequeath to her heirs .. as left over funds from this reverse mortgage .. not sure what would happen to whatever is left of those funds ... but I know it's not a lot. I guess, if push came to shove, she'd have to spend the $4k, $5K, $6K it would cost to get it done. Thus far, .. the thing breaks periodically and it's usually an ordeal because it's an older unit and so parts not as at the ready .. for repair .. but she limps it along .. with the trusted repair guy.
Don't get involved at all. Don't take her to practice driving, and don't tell SIL the neurologist has to sign off on it. Remember when SIL had MIL practice driving last year when you didn't think she should be driving? H won't okay any of this, and I doubt "flighty C" or the church ladies will volunteer to take her to practice driving.
Did you find out what her psychiatric DX is that allows for Poochy to be classified as an ESA?
I don't intend to get involved in running to docs to try to hop up and down to get things seen my way. It either "is" .. a matter that she shouldn't be driving or it isn't. I happen to think she shouldn't be driving, .. so does DH. But yes, SIL had taken her out a few times when she was here, just through the neighborhood to test it out .. this after having taken her in the spring of the year to renew her DL without even so much as asking them to test her. The great state of FL and it's elderly population .. I guess .. the state hasn't passed laws requiring elderly to do so, test for a renewal DL.
I did ask SIL about the ESA label for the dog. Turns out there is an online psych doc .. one can fill out a questionnaire .. pay the required $100 via cc and documents substantiating said need are produced, and then submitted to United at least.
Sounds like this is a different process .. certification .. whatever it is .. than what one is accustomed to seeing with a dog .. vest on .. assisting those who have other disabilities .. like blindness or hearing impaired. There is, I guess .. some other avenue to achieve this, as that's how they got it done. Then of course, trip to the vet to get paperwork substantiating the dog as healthy and all vaccines on board, etc .. And that's all it takes.
This is good for a period of 1 year and has to be redone each year.
Have no idea what's done to limit the number of these so called ESA's on a plane flight, or even if there is a limit to it.
Poor MIL ... she did open the door today to the xtra bedroom, to show me all her pairs of PJ's hanging on her unused exercise bike (yes the same bike we had to stop the presses to go get for her, per PT's instruction .. a couple of years ago .. and now hasnt' seen any action since it was bought and brought there). Now has several pairs of PJ's hanging on hangers there .. and several other pair laid out on the bed in that xtra bedroom. She showed me this because she wanted me to see the set up she has to begin to try to stab along a little at the time at "ironing" her pj's.
Now .. no, .. I didn't offer to go into the bedroom and take care of that. Personally, in my own life .. I don't buy stuff that needs ironing .. because I'm not gonna do it. If I have blouses that need that professional look they go to the cleaners ... but other than that, .. I don't use an iron. That's what permanent press is for, and a clothes dryer.
I don't think it's a good idea she be standing at an ironing board and said so to her .. asked her why she wants ironed/pressed pj's. She answered that they just look so bad .. so wrinkled. I asked who she is expecting to come over and view her in wrinkled pj's and she didn't answer that. I suppose she wanted me to go take that task on . but I didn't do it.
I did help her with a few things when I was there, .. but I'm going to always reserve the right to not spend my time doing something I consider to be pretty useless. And the above falls in that category. Ironed PJ's?!?!?!? Nope.
I did change her bed sheets for her, and reorganize at her instruction some items from her linen closet and did empties the potted plants out back of their build up of rainwater .. and ran to the grocery for her for a few things and grabbed something for lunch and visited w/her as we ate the lunch I brought back.
Dorker, when you're not there I will bet that MIL spends her time dozing. That's fine. But you will find that as she gets more fatigued fewer and fewer items on her To Do list matter enough for her ever to cross them off.
That's fine too. They no longer matter to her. And if she doesn't care, why should anyone else?
You *could* bundle up her ironing into a couple of sacks, whisk it off to a laundry, and just get it done. You *could* get in touch with up to five, say, Uber drivers and sort her out a rota of named, known, trustworthy individuals who won't mind standing about for a few minutes while she gets her act together.
But for one thing, tasks like this fall on the wrong side of that boundary you've worked so hard to set up. And for another, although they're not a waste as such, on MIL's own scale of things they're just gradually ceasing to be important. She talks about how to solve these difficulties, when the subjects come up and you happen to be there, or SIL calls her. But most of the time? No, they won't be on her mind. She'll be sleeping and waking and dwelling on other, bigger things.
What you are doing for her is brilliant. You are making small, straightforward adjustments that make a difference to her on the day and don't involve anyone in major expense or complicated projects, and you are dotting little social highlights around her diary - a nice meal, a good chat. Don't underestimate the value of this *to her*, which is all that really matters.
Wanting to get the infrastructure sorted out - refurbishments and repairs, sale of the house, resolution of the RM, move to... yeah right, wherever... - is natural, and must still make you itch at times. But it's okay. All of those things one way or another will come to pass in the fullness of time, when MIL may or may not be with us. They will need doing, ultimately. But never by you.
Sounds like ESA certification process was one of the (many) fraudulent ones. How can a licensed mental health practitioner diagnose via an online questionnaire? And SIL filled it out? Now you can see what a fraud this has become.As you can see, ANYone can get one of the fake certifications. And you can also see why people do it -- for a $100 onetime fee/year, their pets can travel for free for the year.
There is a HUGE difference between TRAINED service animals and ESAs. ESAs are allowed in transportation and housing only. Besides the abusive use of them in travel, they can negate having a pet-free place.
And the reason pets are showing up in stores now is because the people holding the fake ESA certifications for their pets know how to ring the "I'm being discriminated against!!!" bell long and loudly, with perhaps the threat of litigation. Stores just cave in. There are all different kinds of vests that can be purchased fraudulently.
As far as the driving goes, just leave it alone. If the church ladies are going to practice driving with MIL, then they aren't really doing their ministry the way they should be, are they? I doubt they would take MIL practice driving!
Seems to me with that kinda set up one could find themselves on a flight somewhere with any number of animals also on board and barking at one another and or causing any number of means of havoc. So be it. It's almost comical .. when is the day coming that someone threatens to sue an airline because their ESA horse .. or bird .. or tiger or lion .. won't be allowed to board. Have to almost laugh at it.
No, not going there on the driving issue. There is good reason I don't get too vested in all of it. Was very telling in conversation with SIL .. (and with DH) ... DH .. adamant he doesn't want his mom driving. Has he gone out there to confiscate keys? No. Plans to do so? No. Plans to have a sit down with his mom on the topic? No. Why not? Is he scared of her wrath? No.
I think it's just the status quo, the mode of operation for him, firm sideline sitter, dent in the bleachers, .. not getting involved. No, he doesn't want her driving, thinks it's a really really bad idea she would do so. But does nothing to make certain that doesn't happen, even when I told him his mom has begun to voice wanting that I help her with that task, to see if she can now handle it. Nope, still doesn't step up.
Telling SIL ... that my response had been that she needs to check with her neurology doc as well as her son. SIL with a response of: "Ya know I was with her the last time we went to the neurology doc and they never even asked her about driving .. if she drives.. wonder why they didn't ask". I said in response: "Probably because you were with her, and no one else brought it up, they assume that you are with her all the time, to drive her. Would be interesting to hear what their thoughts are, were they presented with that question.
SIL then going into .. she'd taken her mom thru the neighborhood there (quite different than negotiating major intersections and highways, heavy traffic .. quite different, night and day difference), SIL then going into, she'd taken her .. just thru the neighborhood .. and then going into explanation that her mom hasn't driven since she had that nasty fall back at xmas and mostly the reason was her mom just felt so unsure of herself and scared to try .. that fall had knocked her back so severely. Her then going into, she can't believe the state of FL doesn't require drivers over "x" age to then test .. take a literal driving test ..
I then reminded her, .. "yea last year when you took her to renew her DL .. if you remember I'd thought at that time she shouldn't be driving anymore, .. and ... had asked that you maybe have them do an evaluation of that before renewal.
That point, made by me, skated right on by, unacknowledged. I then said to SIL: "Might not be a bad idea if she wants to drive again, .. get an appt with the DMV and let a professional evaluate her capabilities".
There is a reason I don't get too vested ... the above suggestions and more ... all fall on deaf ears.
MIL ...................... knowing her ..................... if she's up to it .. and who knows if she is .. her days vary so to the extreme in either direction. One day she can be feeling relatively okay .. and the next few days .. she can be like she's been hit by a truck .. unable to function really. But knowing her, .. if today is a good day .. I woudn't put it past her to get her keys and back right out of her driveway and give it a go on her own, no one with her, .. just to "see how she does". Wouldn't doubt for a minute that can happen. And is anyone seeing to, stressing to her .. that no .. she needs to wait til her neuro appt .. no she needs to be evaluated by professionals at the DMV, is anyone stressing that point to her and stepping up to bat on this issue that I ran afoul of yesterday in my visit with her. Nope.
This is a person, I was with her at a neuro appt a couple of years ago .. and among other things they looked at, they poked at her feet/legs with a needle. She has no feeling .. until you get up around her knees ..... the neuropathy so bad. This was a couple of years back so you know it hasn't gotten better. I remember the doc saying .. "this is part of the reason that you struggle so to walk and stay upright .. your brain doesn't register where in space your feet/legs are".
And this .. this is the person who wants to "test run" .. driving again. This .. this person who, I'm there, I see what it takes her to get dressed for the day. That alone, wipes her out .. she's done for, for a week, just from the effort it takes to dress for the day. And she's now gonna put on clothes and get her keys and start out in the car? Bad bad bad idea.
As I told SIL .. this is FL . it's probably once a week we hear another story or see it on the news, where some elderly person has hit the gas instead of the brakes and drove right into the store .. right up over the curb .. busted thru the glass of the storefront and driven right into the facility.
I'm not going to get myself worked up over it. If she takes her keys in hand and decides to get in the car today .. or tomorrow or the next day .. or the next .. to go test the waters driving thru her neighborhood, there's not a thing I can do about it. I sent (anonymously) months ago .. that paperwork to the State DMV office, to have it looked at and never heard a thing. Maybe because it was anonymous .. it got trashed, who knows.
I've alerted both her offspring, suggested what I think might be a plan to approach any of it .. and that's all I can do.
I try not to harp too much on it all, with DH .. (does no good). Talking with him some this morning on it all, and him adamant his mom doesn't need to be driving .. not only endangers herself but other people. And he then follows it with this: "So now I go to mom and say to her, no mom, I'm taking your keys .. now you do not need to be driving, she's then gonna say .. well that's my life then, I'm just stuck here .. and at the mercy of whoever can or can't come take me somewhere, I'm just stuck here".
My response to that, "oh okay so we're going to let her *want* to not be stuck there, then over-ride the safety of some poor hapless family that was just out on their way to dinner at g'ma's .. and she slams into them .. that's what we're gonna let rule the day here .. but by golly she's not stuck at home".
The above was met with just a grimace ... one of . 'yea that's a problem' . but did that then spur any action of what might we do at this point, to at least get this on the table for more dialogue and/or address it somehow. Nope.
I dropped it, and will do so from here forward. I've said what I have to say ..
Yes, there are means that she can get out .. there are busses that will come and get those .. (some who are far worse off than she) .. and transport them to senior centers, .. or doc offices, whatever. There is the GOGOGRANDPARENT, UBER .. so forth .. the church ladies .. the MOW drivers that were supposedly going to be part of her "team".
Done talking about it.
This is part of why . just the bottom line .. the basis of why ... it's so hard to be a part of it all. But it's not easy to depart it all either, ..because MIL is someone that I generally enjoyed at one time .. and I don't wish to throw out the baby with the bathwater as they say and cut those ties, entirely.
But being there, on the scene, you encounter these sorts of things .. and having to navigate the waters of the realization there's not a damn thing I can do to change it .. is hard hard stuff. The realization that she may get in the car today when no one is there .. and just go test those waters on her own .. and she may even discover, *hey this aint so bad, I can do this* and then go farther and not just be in her neighborhood (which is also fraught with it's own perils) ... but then go even farther. Not a thing I can do to change it. But being there, witness to it all, ... even approaching the topic .. and my having to put forth my own concerns/thoughts on it all, thoughts/concerns that don't merit any attention much .. it's not easy.
This is a person who I watched yesterday (this is why I say standing at an ironing board, also not something she should concern herself with doing) .. she'd gone with her walker over to the other side of the kitchen to put something in the cupboard. She let go of her walker, to open the cabinet door and put the item in the cabinet .. and then swayed and stumbled, just standing there, that's all she'd done .. she was just standing there, but merely letting go of the walker for that one brief second.
She caught herself .. and didn't fall but it was evident .. she is that unsteady. I remarked, .. "For God's sake, hold onto the counter there, .. you can't just stand there, you'll fall". She responded, "I know .. I'm always about a hair's breath from falling".
Yet she shows me the ironing board she has set up .. to now stab at .. slowly, a little at the time, ironing her PJ's.
Loss of executive function .. Her not realizing .. ironing .. gee .. ya know . maybe I better find a way to just live in wrinkled pj's, that's not something I should be even concerning myself with .. me .. a person who can't even stand without support .. without I'm now swaying and going down .. maybe that better be something I remember fondly from days gone by and cross that off my list of things to do.
Hard .. also .. being in the proximity of it. Yes, I could very well have taken my time (though she probably has 10 pairs of pj's in there if not more) and gotten the stack and gone to work ironing pj's .. along with what else I do for her on my once a week visit .. but .. in my mind, ironing pj's .. is not something of a priority ...
Should I make it a priority because it's something she considers important? Should I hop in the car with her to assess her driving and help her, because it's "something she considers important". No .. it's a slippery slope of trying to maintain the boundaries of trying to be of help to her, and be a part of her life .. and her a part of mine .. all while not stepping into the quicksand that is .. managing all it takes to prop up her living alone. And I stand firm in not doing that.
It's a tough road to walk, for sure. This isn't my mother ... and as such, there's only so much I can say as to input in it all, .. so I say my piece and then navigate the waters of backing away from it all .. with the knowledge/realization there's some danger here, but not much I can do about it.
Your mother may or may not check herself into the nearest AL or NH, as she has promised all these years. Sorry to drop the turd into the punch bowl. But “what they say vs what they do” is the universal challenge with aging parents. They groom their adult children by talking big when the stakes are low. Then they pull the old switcheroo when they are actually faced with making changes.
Keep those boundaries w/MIL exactly where they are. You’ll thank yourself in 10 years. Even if no one else is thanking you.
Several years ago I knew some folks in a Sunday school class who went to help an elderly woman with some home repairs. She had horribly overgrown shrubbery, a leaking roof, multiple overflowing garbage bins, not to mention the interior being a complete disaster. The men set to work on the outside and the women showed up with mops, brooms, etc. The elderly woman didn't want them to touch anything as far as cleaning. This woman was a former seamstress. She led them to her "sewing room" and showed them a huge pile of fabric in total disarray. The only thing she wanted those women to do that day was to measure the pieces of fabric, roll them up onto the bolts and put a big label indicating the amount of fabric on the bolt! There was so much fabric that the task took four women ALL day and they still didn't get completely finished with it. The little old woman was so very happy as she waved by to them, with her kitchen still filthy and piled high with dirty dishes, refrigerator needing cleaning, bathrooms needing cleaning, etc.
I remember now when you notified DMV anonymously about MIL's driving. Nothing happened. Nothing will happen. Let's just hope that any accident does NOT involve other innocent people.
Ironing sounds dangerous for MIL. Would she have her walker to balance on as she ironed?
My mother also has neuropathy in her feet. And now I've found out that she only showers once a week, because she's afraid she will slip and fall. Didn't you see MIL only showers once a week? She had you there while she showered one time, right? She didn't ask you do that again?
My mother says one shower/week is just fine, because she doesn't perspire much. Yeah, right. Unlike your MIL, though, my mother has the funds to hire help and won't.
I have the little ones today (twins). Their mom is sick sick sick .. bad cold, cough, feels lousy. I'm helping out by keeping the twins, so she can rest.
I get a phone call from MIL: "I am only asking this because that daughter of mine wants me to ask you, .. you know how I hate hate hate .. to ask anyone to help me, if it were up to me, you know I'd do away with the whole mess and be done with it. I have that alarm company coming tomorrow between noon and 2 .. and they want me to have someone here with me, .. you know how much of a struggle it is for me to write a check .. and for some reason they want me to have someone here with me, .. and so I figured I wouldn't even mind what they say .. but SIL was talking with them .. and they told her the same, so she wants me to ask you or DH to be here ... I hear you have babies there underfoot .. are you with the babies today".
(She is having some changes made to her alarm system .. #1) to get a pad put into her bedroom, so that when she has to get up 2 and 3 times nightly to let her dog out, she doesn't then have to traverse all the way to the utility room, to disarm the system so she can then let the dog out, and then all the way back to the utility room, to arm it again so she can go to bed).
Explained that yes, DD is sick .. and I'm helping her with the babies today. She said the following: "Oh dear, .. and you don't know then whether your tomorrow will be spoken to ... ??..... as to helping DD or with the babies .. do you know what DH is doing tomorrow, is he working ...??.....do you know"
I answered her that I don't know, it hasn't come up between he and I what it is that tomorrow holds for him, but give him a call and see if he can get by there to be available when the security system folks show up.
DH came by here not long after that, and had talked to his mom and so yes agreed to go there tomorrow. Good .. it SHOULD be him, not me. That takes care of that issue.
I like how SIL (NOT) ................ she knows that home maintenance issues are NOT to be run by me, .. so what does she do .. she then defers her mom .. to call one of us. She's not the one putting that task on me ... because she knows, .. I told her .. when we had our come to Jesus meeting .. running by me, tasks that are to do with the home .. no longer an option. So what does she do?, Just bounce it back to MIL to do .. have MIL call me with said "household maintenance" task.
MIL knows her son's phone #, .. why not call him first!
Oh well, it got deferred to him any way, and that was the end goal.
And yes .. the story above, .. organizing bolts of material rather than cleaning up a filthy house .. sounds about right. MIL's house is clean .. fortunately .. she has a housekeeper .. and she is able to (somehow) manage to wash her dishes she uses .. and so there aren't sink loads of dishes stacked up and bathrooms that are nasty . and floors that are sticky. Her home is clean ... thankfully. But yes, I can see the above story and how it all plays out, probably far too often.
And yes, that's one of the many reasons why I have backed away and set some boundaries in place. This is not my mother, .. I have no say-so in it all ... and I know, .. like I know the back of my hand ... I know what it takes to prop it all up continually ..and the very real burnout that ensues ...
And somehow in all of this, I've gotta have some motor left for when my own folks age and become less able to manage. Somehow I've gotta be able to find the compassion and patience to deal with that situation .. and right now .. as I fight this battle on the front with MIL .. and trying to set boundaries and work my way out of the very real burnout that I was in .. still am .. to an extent ... I don't have it, to deal with my own folks.
Thankfully both are .. my dad .. he is aging and has some problems but he is married to my step mom (like 50 years now) ... and she is somehow capable of doing to help him .. and I offer to help .. in any way I can .. but I think hell would freeze over before they'd let me help at all.
My mom .. she is still able bodied .. and doesn't "need" my help.
That won't always be the case. This whole situation with propping up an untenable situation with MIL .. one I don't agree with .. and caused me to have some severe burn out .. had I not had the good sense to back away from it, .. I can't imagine what would've happened the day and hour my own folks have some real problems and I'm needed.
**On MIL and showering. Yes, at first when I was doing my weekly visits, that was on the radar .. just hang out there, so she can shower .. afraid she'd fall. That has not been the case the last few visits and I've asked her and she said she is managing okay now .. as far as showering. I think she only showers 2 x's weekly .. but she says she is doing okay doing so alone***
They think of you FIRST as the first choice of free help. Yup! The MIL calls you at home because she wants to reach you not her son. She knows her son is out working and not at home.
If I were you, I would not take any more calls from her unless your DH was home so you could pass the phone to. If she couldn't reach you, she would have to call someone else.
#1 communicate independently with the service provider; and what does that tell you;
#2 "bother" DH.
To be fair, I expect SIL in fact told her to call DH. But it would take more than that to make MIL do it.
Don't know if you ever watched The Remains of the Day, by any chance? The butler, Anthony Hopkins, is asked intentionally esoteric questions to demonstrate the ordinary man's inability to grapple with international politics. Maintaining his dignity despite this rather low trick being played on him, he replies to every one: "I am unable to assist in this matter."
You are unable to assist in this matter. What MIL does about it instead is not your concern.
As a matter of fact, you are genuinely busy doing genuinely more important things. But you could have been planning to examine your navel or make daisy chains and it would STILL not have been for you to assist.
How to manage the visit, nose to tail and whiskers in between? She should of thought of that before.
Again, boundaries. When you set up once a week for half days, it's been push/push/push to see if that was firm since you started. MIL and SIL know that you are not going. Dorker, please don't be going NO MATTER WHAT. What happened to the team of folks? The mouse in Dorker's pocket, that is what.
Ironing PJ's? My friend's father a Supreme Narcissist wanted his underwear ironed because "he deserved nice looking things no matter who saw them". He's gone now, but would have been about the same age as Narcissa.
I've decided that I won't be attending my niece's wedding in July unless things dramatically change. My MIL and FIL are planning to take her out of the facility that MIL lives in, travel 4+ hours to wedding in small town, stay at least one night, and return here without hiring any help for MIL's catheter care, Parkinson's related incontinence, or dressing for this wedding - first grandchild. I told MY husband that I was probably not going because the need for care would be there and who would be expected to provide hygiene help? The bride or her sister who is one of the bridesmaids? Other son (my hubs BIL) and his new wife who are the bride's parents? Some random members of the congregation? My husband who MIL already excuses as male and exempt to ask? FIL, the end stage COPD person who can't walk himself 2 feet without having O2 concentrator? My MIL is on Medicaid in facility because she needs this 24/7 oversight - like your MIL. And if they don't hire in someone, the care will still be needed. And I am NOT Going to Do IT. You are nicer than I am because you are fond of your MIL - and she will run right over the boundaries if you let her. And so will your DH and SIL. Keep strong.
If MIL's ironing board is anything like my mother's it's 70 years old and rickety as can be. Even if it's top notch--she has an IRON on the dang thing!! She makes one faulty step and down goes ironing board, hot iron and MIL to boot. Probably Poochy poo will also be in the mess. New irons will shut themselves off if they are dropped, but I have more than one burn to attest to the fact they are darn hot before that shutoff works. Or worse, she has a 70 yo iron that DOESN'T do auto shutoff. All you need now is for MIL to sustain a 2nd or 3rd degree burn on her legs and she's down for the count.
I'm a fan of ironing---it's mindless and boring and what I have accomplished stays looking good for a while. BUT, I am not 88 and barely mobile.
My mother also had a ton of cotton pjs and nightwear (she often doesn't get dressed either) and she was buying cotton stuff that looked awful after a drying. I went online and bought her 6 or 7 "silky" nightdresses and tossed all but a couple of her old housecoats. This helped with the nighttime races to the bathroom and how quickly she could get to the potty.
The silky nightgowns do no wrinkle and she looks "better".
But--boundaries. If you did this, you'd be stepping out of your boundary zone and one thing would lead to another.
These next few weeks should be interesting. At least she is saying she's going to IL. That's good.
Oh, and as far as those ESA forms? You can download one and fill it out and it doesn't require a psych dr's signature--HOWEVER--they are cracking down on these, since people abuse them. Best I could see was that she HAD to have some legal documentation as for Poochy being legit anxiety dog. Maybe both a vet and her psych doc would have to sign off on it. As much as you don't want to step over the boundaries you've made, boy, that's one thing I'd be 100% sure about before you haul her to the airport with poochy in crate and find out he doesn't have the proper paperwork.
I mentioned the above to SIL that she has all her pj's out and at the ready for the task of a little at the time, so she says, .. working at it all. Told SIL I didn't think it was a good idea. SIL's response: "I wish she'd just wear them wrinkled, but I guess because she wears them like the rest of us wear our normal clothes .. she wears pj's most days .. all day .. she wants them to be pressed ... maybe there's someone there that I could pay to get them to come in once a week to do her ironing. When I was there I did it for her, .. I don't think it's a good idea either, that she do it ..".
I only responded, "good luck with that", and then nothing further.
I guess MIL is from that school of thought, that pressed clothes are what one wears. Okay. But again I ask, .. why is it on SIL to now think maybe she can hire that out. Why isn't MIL .. of that mindset? Because that loss of Executive Function, that's why. Too much for her to even begin to try to search that out, and coordinate it .. and negotiate pricing .. and so forth .. and far be it from her, to figure the perils of what could befall the whole setting.
Oh well.
And Polarbear is right. I had, .. (and I've slipped up there, going to return to form) been taking the approach I don't answer the phone if I see it's her. Her first attempt should always be to her son .. and since her son wasn't here at that hour, I had no idea if she'd attempted to reach him and hadn't been able to, so I grabbed the phone when I saw it was her and answered it. I'm going to resort back to what I had begun to do .. not answer it, when I see it's her. If he's here, hand it to him to answer. That approach was working better for my psyche and I need to stand firm in it.
And yes, the triangulation is astounding, though not surprising at all.
Her showing me the ironing .. she had to open a closed bedroom to show me that. Not anything she generally does .. open that bedroom door to show me the contents of anything in there. Nor do I generally go opening the doors to enter extra bedrooms unless I'm instructed to take something in there. That was done on purpose, hoping I'd bite the hook and set to ironing pj's. It failed. Not because of any other reason than, I don't consider ironing pj's to be a priority. If she were trying to go to some dance somewhere and her dress needed pressed .. maybe I'd do it .. but not a stack of probably 10 pairs of pj's .. nope. It was intentional, I'm sure. Would Dorker begin to climb that slippery slope again of all the "need".
The phone call today .. her asking if I'm available from noon to 2 PM tomorrow, to be in attendance when they come to update her security system at her house. Supposedly this is at the instruction of the alarm company so that the instructions (I guess) can be explained to someone with more comprehension skills than she possesses .. I dunno. So that she wouldn't be alone. This at the behest of the alarm company. Why is it a problem for her to be alone .. she's the one that pays their bill monthly .. she's not an underage child.
I am proud to say I deferred that one right back to her son. She was then asking me (I think she wanted me to take the ball and run with it, and get DH on that task if I can't step to it) .. asking me what DH has to do tomorrow and I answered that I don't know, he and I haven't talked about what his Saturday entails, it hasn't come up (and it hasn't).
Proud to say I bounced that ball right back at her. Found it interesting though she was doing this at SIL's prompt .. SIL not finding it necessary herself to reach out to her brother . but rather prompt her mom to reach out to me and to DH. As SIL also tried to prompt her mom to get Dorker on it, as to her back pain and get her to the doc .. as SIL also tried to prompt MIL to get Dorker on it, .. to get over there and hash thru the h/o insurance review.
Is this woman okay to be on her own, .. and manage her life? If she is .. then why all the prompt for "others" to step in .. from afar. If she isn't .. then why is she here, alone?
Whatever. The only thing that keeps me sane, is to bounce the ball right back at em .. rather than own that which isn't mine in it to own.
I even suggested to MIL, after then rerouting it to have her call DH .. that I didn't know what's on his radar for Saturday but call him and see .. and if not .. then surely flighty C next door or her husband can step over for a little bit.
MIL then: "Oh you know how I hate to ask anybody to help me, if it were up to me, I'd just have em come here and haul the whole system out of here ... I don't want to have to depend on anyone for all this".
SIGH. That "team" that was sold .. indeed. I saw the holes in all of it, from the getgo. And it's turning out as I thought it would. There is no "team". The "team" is me and DH .. and if SIL can get me back to stepping and fetching .. then all the better.
As someone else put it .. if I will step back in to all the steppin and fetching .. then DH will be all to fine with it, as will his mom and his sister.
But I'm not doing it.
I will continue to do what I can on Thursdays to help and visit with her .. and outside of that, .. that "team" will have to be summoned, or won't be .. and loose ends will be the order of the day.
Remember back when I blew a gasket and DH and I had words over the fact that his mom was supposed to go with sister to IL . back in April .. but this decision just gets arbitrarily made, that she's left here, no input at all sought from DH, and I blew sky high over it.
It was said at that point, .. she has a "team" now, she has realized she has to have others to help her and has reached out .. between DD (yea right, DD has her hands full and I said so at the time), Flighty C .. say no more there "flighty" .. between the MOW drivers and the church ladies .. they'll patch it all together ..
Yep .. uh huh .. I'm seeing how that all pans out.
Enjoy the afternoon at your mom's DH .. with the security folks there to explain the new system.
First off, DH did go to his mom's today to see about the new alarm system to be installed. I guess in it all, she had the opportunity to bend his ear .. on the upcoming plans to vacate to SIL's for a while.
Her lamenting the whole thing to DH and how hard it's going to be, that her house .. her house means everything to her .. that she worked "all her life" for that house and it will be so hard to leave it. Her lamenting how hard this is going to be for her .. and asking him (dripping in drama) if he will be sure and check on her house for her and he assured he would do so. Her talking of it all, how hard it's going to be to leave her home, it's where she is happiest, it's where she's most comfortable ... (I guess so as long as people are jumping and running to do he bidding).
I'm just angry right now.
I don't know what he said in return .. I wasn't there, and I didn't ask. One would hope he tried to reroute it all with something akin to, "But ma .. it's not safe for you to be here during hurricane season" and hit her with reality. But I don't know .. I wasn't there.
He went on to say that she talked (dripping in drama again) of all her journals she has so painstakingly told her life story in .. that we should all read them .. and make sure they are well cared for, so that she won't be forgotten ... her whole life story all the way back to the earliest memories of her parents and her drunken father (an alcoholic most of his life), and her so sweet much maligned mother and her sisters .. her whole life story.
As DH put it, .. "she is the star of some movie she just needs someone to make .. of her whole life story .. and she's the star of the movie, so dramatic!". He then followed it with "She just wants to make sure she is remembered, and not forgotten".
DD was here and we were talking of the above and DD said the following (which is so true but I'm glad she said it) "Dad .. we are all, eventually forgotten .. all of us .. you don't know or have any idea who the people were that were your great great great grandparents .. some 3 or 4 generations ago .. you don't know who they were .. what they were about, they are long long gone ... one day .. to generations to come .. that aren't even here yet .. your mom .. she too will be forgotten .. as will I ... one day .. I won't matter to a generation that hasn't even gotten here yet".
This then had DH saying .. "yea .. like I said, she's the star of some movie that she's written and just needs someone to make the movie and it will be an academy award winning movie, .. IN HER MIND".
But the whole thing about "I worked all my life for this house".
She did not!
The house was reverse mortgaged about 14 years into owning it .. and that's the fact. Yes, they both worked all their lives in the house prior .. and that house was not yet paid off when they sold it, but the profits of that house .. then went into buying the home where she resides now, .. a home that is reverse mortgaged and has been .. for like 24 years or so.
But her talking of how hard this is going to be, how stress filled .. that she wishes she didn't have to do this.
And that SIL just keeps telling her, "I just want you to be happy mom".
And that she responds .. "I will do whatever it is that makes you happy", she relates this to DH.
I suppose this is all borne out of what the church lady is trying to achieve. Among other things, being a friend .. and visiting/socializing .. she is also trying to encourage that she go to IL .. to spend time with her daughter there .. that maybe her daughter would "LIKE" to have her there, so she wouldn't have to worry .. and stress with her all the way here, .. and it'd be great they could spend some time together.
Thus .. I guess, her saying to DH about SIL, "I will do whatever makes her happy".
But .. the whole drama of it all................ I'm sorry ..........maybe my ability to sympathize is so clouded by my burnout .. but I just don't buy it. I don't .. I can't, buy it. I think it's a card that is being played to try to get everyone to back off .. and say to her, "now you poor poor beleaguered thing .. yes you worked so hard for this wonderful home . (that's falling down with all it's problems she can't fix) .. and you poor poor thing .. you shouldn't have to leave .. now don't you worry .. we'll just be right here and whatever you need we will all hop to and make it happen for you, don't you worry one little bit.
All the drama.
As I told DH (and I do believe this thru and thru) "DH there is no drama to it, or stress. For crying out loud, her daughter is coming here to pack for her, help her to organize what stays what goes .. this is temporary for crying out loud .........!!!!!!..............her daughter is coming to help her pack .. do it for her .. and then when it's time to go to the airport .. she will only have to get to the car, just like she does when she has a doc appt .. that's it .. her suitcases will be hauled to the car by others, not by her .. and then when they arrive at the airport .. a skycap will help unload and secure the luggage and get it on it's way and get her into a wheelchair to be wheeled to the gate .. nobody is asking her to walk the length of the airport .. and lug her suitcases along .. for GOD'S SAKE!!!!
DD chimed in: "I think she's worried she'll get up there and never get back again .. maybe have some kinda health crises .. and be stuck up there .. but hell she's stuck here, . in her own home .. she's a prisoner in her own home essentially".
Whatever. I'm just ranting here. I know that I can get upset at it all, all I want to and stomp my feet. Doesn't change any of it one iota. The drama .. the endless drip of drama will keep on and on and on. I'm sick of it.
Glad I wasn't there . and maybe that's why she took that opportunity .. the hope he'd bite that hook and pat her on the head and assure that nobody is gonna be the evil meanie that makes her leave her precious home.
SHEESH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Re the house. My mom had been told by my dad, as he was dying slowly of leukemia, "don't sell the house. Never sell the house. Don't pay High Rent".
Mom had those mantras memorized. She repeated them to us. Often.
I realized I wouldn't be effective if I argued with her. My dad, after all, was NEVER wrong.
So I pointed things out. Factual things.
"It's so sad that there are no sidewalks here. You'd be a lot safer walking if there were side walks."
" It's troublesome that there's so little public transportation in this area. It makes getting help, whether it's aides or nurses or cleaners, so much harder".
"There's no one home during the day in your neighborhood. It's very isolated".
"In the winter, the fact that you live at the top of a hill makes it really hard and dangerous for us to get to you if there's an. Emergency."
I was able to replace dad's mantras with a new train of thought.
Now, my mom had always been a very suggestive person, and I knew that. I took advantage of it.
But I'm pretty sure that what dad wanted was for mom to be safe and cared for, not for her to stay in their house past the time that that was healthy or safe.
My point, Dorker, is, don't argue. Just point out the facts.
"Maintenance surely costs a lot of money on this house".
" There is so much work you have to do to keep yourself safe here".
" So tiresome that you need to be so reliant on outsiders to help with all this upkeep".
" I think when we retire, well be moving to someplace where the maintenance will be taken care of by others. No more yardwork for us".
" I just love the idea of living in a place where they provide your meals and there's a place to socialze with folks who understand your jokes!".
"I'm getting to old to weather hurricanes. This year, when there is a warning, I'm going to skedaddle up to my mom's place. Let DH do for himself. Just foolish not to get out of harms way".
Give it some thought, Dorker. The trick is, no commentary, no pressure.
Just statements of fact.
People arguing with reality does try the patience, I agree.
I'll give you a parallel, warning sensitive readers in advance that I am not satisfactorily enlightened on this point (as Daughter 2 points out without fail) but I am, I promise, working on it. When I'm not rofl-ing in private, anyway.
In Hampstead, London, England, there are open air bathing ponds. These are natural ponds of spring water, where it is safe to swim - au naturel, if one is of that bent and wishes to - and there are three of them. One for gentlemen. One for ladies. And one for those of either sex or none or undetermined.
The practice goes all the way back to the health-and-efficiency craze of the post WW1 era, when the intelligentsia got into eurhythmics and veganism and all sorts of lifestyle choices one generally associates with the later 20th century. Anyway.
There is a huge dust-up going on. The issue is transgender persons. Bathing ladies have objected vociferously to the use of the ladies' pond by gentlemen undergoing transition. They point out that, since there is as yet no satisfactory way of certifying the authenticity of gender identity - apart from the old-fashioned one, which is so offensive to people experiencing body dysmorphia - that *any* bearded bloke could turn up at the ladies' pond, claim to be female in spite of appearances, object to being challenged on this point, and help him/herself to a jolly afternoon's viewing.
To prove their point, last week some of the ladies donned fake beards and staged a sit-in at the men's pond. When challenged, they claimed to be transitioning men and defied anyone to prove otherwise.
All H*ll broke loose. The bathing gentlemen were furious at having their privacy invaded, until the ladies explained their point, at which point the gentlemen lent their support to the demonstration. The transgender people (the real ones) are furious about having their suffering "trivialised" and, they feel, mocked in this way; and have accused the ladies of sanctioning hate crime. The comments of the real culprits, the men who took pervy advantage of the loophole, were not reported; but the ladies reckon there are loads of them and the transgender people reckon they don't exist.
The row went on all week on the radio; and for those of us who are largely unaffected by *any* of the issues - those of us who prefer to swim decently (if we have to at all) in municipal indoor pools, where they have things like heating and showers and changing rooms; those of us who are reasonably confident that we were born in the right body; those of us who perhaps feel that even if you are intersex, it is still not unreasonable for society to expect you either to make up your mind and go for one pond or the other - or use the mixed one, if you like - or just to suck it up and find an alternative, less problematic form of exercise and recreation. I mean, as First World Problems go, whether or not you can indulge in open air nude bathing without anyone looking askance is surely about as First World as it gets.
It is Pythonesque in spades, reminiscent of the scene in Life of Brian when one man in the Judean People's Front decides he is in fact a woman and demands to be called Loretta; when questioned on this point he explains that he wants to be a woman because he wants to have babies...
"But you can't have babies! You haven't got a womb!"
"Don't you oppress me!"
The only actual woman in the group finds a compromise: they will accept that the man can't have babies, but they will fight for his *right* to have babies. Because this is "symbolic of our struggle against the Roman oppressor."
John Cleese mutters "...it's symbolic of his struggle against reality..."
There is, I promise, a point to all this.
Gender identity is a source of immense pain and anxiety to some individuals. It really is, they really do experience great emotional stress, and the very least we can offer them is acceptance of their feelings, and to keep a straight face and avoid giving them a harder time than necessary. But this is SO much easier when the issue isn't swept up in a ludicrous, and entirely self-inflicted, wrangle.
Similarly, MIL's anxieties and regrets and sense of loss over leaving her whole history behind, these things do cause her pain and of course it is real. How would you like it? How much are you looking forward to leaving your life behind?
Where it becomes absurd is in a) her denial of the realities of old age - her belief that a couple of practice runs and she'll be fine to drive, her lingering hope that she'll wake up and miraculously not need her walker any more; and b) the hopelessly overgrown tangle of support that's grown up around trying to keep her ticking over at home. That's what's got crazy. Not her desire to hold on to her routine; but what that desire has involved everybody in.
All the same. It's one thing to be airily philosophical about how we will all eventually be erased from our place in the world when you're in your twenties or thirties. Wait 'til it's your turn; see how stoical you feel about it then.
So, drama? It's not like she's making a fuss about nothing. It isn't nothing, it is a big deal. But it would be much better for *her*, as well as a lot less tiresome and stressful for everyone else, if that energy were diverted to looking ahead, to the benefits the change will bring her.
Temporary, hmm? Hypocrite! Aren't you hoping it's anything but temporary?
I bet you are thoroughly sick of it, yes. But it'll be easier to keep on keeping on if you don't expect MIL suddenly to feel differently about leaving her home - hence, get her to think about something else instead.
IF the plan that actually happens is that MIL goes to SIL's for hurricane season and is then brought back here, I doubt she will go back to SIL's for the following year's hurricane season.
(I still feel badly for BIL, who will be having MIL who mocks him in his house.)
There's a good chance that something will happen to MIL before SIL gets back down to FL after her recuperation period in IL after coming down to FL with the Abu Dhabi prince and his family. So SIL may be forced to stay here with MIL for months again without the recuperation period.
Are MIL's ankles as swollen as ever?
What kind of ALF could MIL go to since she has no money, other than getting on Medicaid and into a SNF?
Yes, I think the thing that so sends me into a tail spin, is what DH describes as the conversation she and her daughter have, wherein her daughter tells her, "I just want you to be happy mom".
Her daughter might as well say to her, ... *I don't care at all about your safety .. that is so not any concern ... your safety is just inconsequential .. what's more important is that you be given the latitude to remain there in your home that you so love .. and be happy .. be damned the consequences of that .. and yes .. those nasty horrible storms that can flare up .. oh pooey .. who cares .. we don't even know if any will come your way .. so no worries there, ... are you happy there mom, in your own home .... ??...well that's all that matters .. so you just stay right there and be happy*.
That's the part that so incenses me. Where is the "responsibility" to be concerned for her welfare and safety .. and not to mention the hardship this then puts on this household .. her remaining dug in .. in her own home .. and the event of storms that may crop up. Why .. is happiness weighted against safety ... why is happiness more important.
If she fell and broke her leg and was unable to ambulate at all, to get up to go to the bathroom and or get herself any sustenance .. would it still be about, "well no .. no need to worry about any of those dreadful rehab sites .. no no .. I know how absolutely miserable you'd be in one of those places ..you love your home so .. so no .. don't you worry .. what we care about is if you're happy .. ", and then all the behind the scenes stuff to try to hop to and make it happen ... that she remain "happy" in her home.
It's not realistic . and it doesn't seem SIL addresses that.
"I just want you to be happy".
Why not phrase that differently, "mom it's important to me that you be happy .... and let's see .. what we can do when we get you here to my house, to make sure that continues .. it's not so bad here .. and ya know .. even better that I won't need to worry and fret about you, you'll be right here ... and we can maybe get out and go to lunch a bit .. and maybe do some things here .. ya know when I come down there, I'm always so busy running in every direction trying to button down any number of concerns .. you come here and that won't be the case .. I'm sure we'll have more time to enjoy one another".
Why not phrase things that way in a manner that will put it more in context that it's not something that is "so hard" .. in fact, it's do-able .. and might even be something that turns out to be enjoyable in the end.
She lamented in talking with DH, .. "ya know my house here, it's all on one level ... her house has all these levels, it's going to be harder for me there".
Uh .. what?!?!??
She has a step down into her den, .. that's it. That's all. She has a step up to enter her home ... as does MIL .. but MIL is virtually a prisoner in her own home . because she never goes anywhere. If she does .. she has to navigate that one step down into her garage and then back up that one step .. to enter the level of her home when she returns.
Same at SIL's.
Yes, SIL has a step down to enter her den ... as we do here, in our home .. the only "unlevel" there is here also.
That's it .. at SIL's the one step down into the den. Yes, she has a basement that has like maybe 14 steps to get down into the basement. But MIL would have zero cause to even need to go down into the basement of SIL's home. None, zip .. nadda. In fact, she hasn't gone down into SIL's basement probably since she was in her 50's ... she's been there, but had no cause to go down there.
So why this .. "her house has *all these levels and it will be harder for me there*. It does not.
It's just disheartening to me that she "tries" (or seemingly so) all these ploys to try to make it seem insurmountable. When I was there and her discussion with me, .. as to "all these things I have to take, it will be hard .. I have too many things to try to pack into a suitcase".
My response to that had been, "What have you gotta take?, .. I mean this is temporary .. you aren't ridding your house of it's contents, you guys are coming back here .. what in the world is it you think you have to take".
It's almost like she thought that would elicit a response from whoever hears it .. me in this case ... "oh dear you poor thing .. yes ... who ever thought up this stupid plan .. there's far too much to even think about trying to haul to go to your daughter's home .. no no .. that's about the stupidest thing I've ever heard of .. now don't you worry ..one bit .. we'll just get that right off the radar any talk of trying to do that".
That's not what she heard when she tried that approach with me .. I told her that her daughter plans to come back here and help to organize what needs to go .. and that she'll take care of doing that, and I've offered to help her .. and that her dog's things can go in one suitcase if need be, and another one or two if need be for her things .. and one can even pay additional to take more suitcases if they wish, or shipping .. one can put things in boxes and ship em up that way .. it's not that big a deal.
It's kinda like she thought that would .. that whole line of thought .. would get this de-railed and it didn't work, not with me anyway.
So now .. she is trying the approach of how much her house means to her, and how hard it will be to leave it. But she wasn't talking to me .. my response would've been, "and it will be right here when you return .. what do you think .. you're leaving here that a meteor is gonna hit the house because you've left it and it will be destroyed .. your house will be right here when you come back, and all your things.
So she tries the whole "it will be so stressful for me" ... wasn't me she was talking to, I'd of reminded her again, that her daughter has said she's coming to help to organize what goes .. it's not gonna be so horrible and that we've offered to help in any way we can.
So she tries the approach that her daughter's house has "all these levels, it will be harder for her".
No .. it has one level that she has to step down into to get into the den ... but other than that .. no .. it doesn't.
I think the problem lies somewhere in the fact that her daughter .. is maybe not sold on uprooting her mom at all, ..
Is that out of the fact her daughter wants to continue her life unabated and not having to house and care for her mom under her own roof. Or is that because her daughter truly cares more for what makes her mom happy than what is safe for her mom.
I don't know.
But this could all be framed so much better ... if SIL were "sold" on this .. and buying into it more than it appears she is.
It's like I told DH this morning .. him talking of his mom and her drama .. the dripping drama .. (she is indeed the star of her own movie .. and sure to win all the accolades) .. and him lamenting this morning. I told him .. "she doesn't connect the dots DH .. she has that loss of Executive Function .. here she is .. at this point, still struggling to figure out how she's going to get to that eye doc appt that I was approached about .. and she still has no answer to that .. she wants to tell you, she's fine right there, she has her neighbors .. but ... neighbors that she refuses to reach out to .. when she needs and she needs so much ... her cancelling doc appts because she has no suitable way to get to them .. her needing me to take her to that eye doc appt and it's not on a Thursday and I'm not doing it, she has a team .. supposedly .. but she doesn't reach out to that team .. she can't go get her own groceries .. won't accept delivery of groceries .. she can't get her dog out to the vet or the groomer, won't accept mobile vet or groomer and pay for it .. she can't get out to get her rx's .. sends me on Thursdays .. but won't reach out to any of the "supposed team" to get the things she needs ... she won't avail herself of the services available to get some of it met .. she doesn't connect the dots .. to her, it's all pie in the sky, but this is where I'm most comfortable .. well ... it's also where you constantly need need need and .. there's little in place to meet all that need, she doesn't connect the dots there and it's up to you guys to help her to see that.
It's just very frustrating to me.
As I said before, I realize no one can MAKE SOMEONE DO SOMETHING THEY DON'T WANNA DO. And it may be in the end, she digs in her heels and refuses to go .. and her daughter patting her on the head and rubbing her hand lovingly .. "no worries mother, your happiness is all that matters". And her son .. sitting further denting the sideline bench he sits on.
That's likely what will play out. And she will stay right there in her home she loves so much with all the "things" and "memories".
Who knows if we will even be impacted by any storms ever again in the history of mankind .. that's the truth. She could be going thru this .. what obviously stresses and traumatizes her .. all to be sitting in IL, while beautiful sunny FL continues on .. without peril .. for decades to come. One never knows.
It's hard for me though, because I don't see it as so goshdarn hard .. it's your daughter's home, a daughter that obviously loves you more than life itself ... (maybe loves you too much) .. and your daughter's home is not some drug den .. and subjecting you to abhorrent conditions .. it's not a situation that you'd be remanded ot your daughter's home who doesn't give a rat's azz about you ... quite the contrary.
I just don't get it that it's gotta be made this hard. I really do not.
When one has a stroke, there are times when brain chemistry is affected. Same with dementia, TIAs....
She is supposed to be taking an antidepressant . She is not. She should be.
Solve the depression and you'll be much further down the road.