I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
At least DH is showing up a little. And he seems to be "getting it"..so that's good.
I hope that SIL comes and takes MIL away for 4-5 months and all the drama can be in IL, but I pray for your poor BIL, dealing with this mean old woman.
Deep breaths, Dorker. And only a few more "Thursdays"---I hope.
Now - the dynamic of DH’s family. These people could never come together, could they? Could never communicate. Could never choose a course of action for the common good — without at least one outburst and one silent-treatment snit, right??
Nothing’s gonna change now.
[Well, there has been one change. Dorker resigned from her role as the balm and the bridge. High five!]
MIL installed SIL’s “buttons.” And MIL will push SIL’s buttons until the end of time.
MIL can fake-complain about SIL’s fuss-budgeting all she wants. And she will. But imagine - just imagine - one day of MIL not receiving her expected 4 phone calls from SIL. Then you’ll truly see the Oscar-winning performance from MIL.
Another thought: Is MIL passive-aggressively clinging to her home because she fantasizes that The Prodigal Son will emerge...and knock on her door or call his dear sweet mama?
If MIL is secreted away to Illinois, no such miracle can happen. That’s a tough pill for MIL to swallow. She’s much more invested the fantasy of her missing son than the reality of SIL and Dorker’s Hubby.
I agree that you should have full power in what you will and won't do for her on that one morning/week. You can change sheets, but not mop the floor, etc. I thought you weren't going to do any Poochy tasks, yet didn't you agree to pick up Poochy's special dog food from the vet?
I'm still not clear on the boundaries you've placed on Thursdays with Narcissa.
(If MIL ever does go to IL with SIL, if SIL updates H on the happenings in IL, you MUST come and tell us here! Many of us are interested in this ongoing saga/soap opera.)
MIL has a reverse mortgage so her home has to be her permanent? primary? residence. If I remember right, she got the mortgage on the plan that gives her a monthly payment against the future transfer of ownership to the bank. Do I have that right? If so, and unless she has a bundle of money saved, she can't go into assisted living (where she belongs) or move in with SIL permanently because then her monthly income from the reverse mortgage would stop.
So the 6 month/6 month plan is a way to stretch MIL's income out further and keep her off Medicaid longer.
Has someone made sure that six months' residence in Illinois doesn't invalidate the permanent residence provision of the mortgage? I have no idea how that works.
What's going to happen when MIL needs more care at home than SIL can offer? Will her income and/or saving cover home help without the income from the reverse mortgage? With it?
Sorry if I'm being dense. I've having trouble getting my mind around the complexities of this situation.
I did take her to a doc appt for her knee injections but it was on my slated Thursday .. and off we went. This eye doc appt that's upcoming .. it's scheduled for a Friday. Could I adjust my schedule and see to it. I could .. but she could also reach out to this supposed team .. and that's my expectation at this point.
I'm not really gonna play a part in being a slave to her cancelling appts left and right because she "doesn't have a way to get there", which seems to be the order of the day. She "does" have ways in which to get there, she chooses not to avail herself of same, and that's not gonna be on me, to then hop in and fix it and then begin steppin and fetchin again ..
I said I wouldn't be doing dog duty and I meant it. Now .. having said that, .. does she have me attend to things on my slated Thursday that I go there, things that are dog related. Yes, and I do so. Why? Because I want to be reasonable and I think that is being reasonable. I will do .. on my slated time to be there (within reason) whatever it is I can do to be of help .. and if that includes seeing to some dog need .. I'll help her, and have done so.
In fact, she (or SIL, I'm not real clear who did it ... I kinda think SIL did it for her) has an appt this upcoming Thursday for her dog to be groomed at her favorite grooming place .. and I will be the one to cart poochy there and bring him back .. and any other incidentals she needs from me while there.
I don't go in there mopping floors and scrubbing toilets because she has a housekeeper .. that should fall under her category to attend to .. and so I don't step on that slope to begin doing those kinds of things.
Her ironing .. she can wear wrinkled pj's or her daughter can scour whatever means she deems appropriate to try to find someone for hire to attend to ironing. I'm not doing it. Not because I dislike MIL .. not because I loathe ironing ... more ... it's a matter I don't consider it a priority. As I said before, were she going to dance and her dress needed to be ironed .. yes that's more pressing. But we know that's not gonna happen .. she's not likely to be signed on to attend to some ballroom dance.
That's kinda the "beauty" of being of help to someone ... the person who offers said "help" gets to pick and choose what they will and won't do to help. Not the person who "needs" the help .. that's not how it works.
I try to be reasonable and be of whatever help I can on the slated time that I'm there to do just that, help her. But outside of that .. it's really a pretty firm boundary that I'm striving to keep .. and not begin again on that slippery slope.
DH is out there as we speak .. he of his own accord, decided that the bque chicken he grilled .. would be nice to go in that direction along with the other fixins. He made her a plate and has gone in that direction again today to take her a plate. Not because I prompted him. And it's not me doing it. I used to .. I used to try to cajole, persuade, push/tug .. etc .. or just do it myself and not even ask him .. I don't do that anymore either.
We'd gone out to eat the other day and he was the one that suggested his mom would maybe like a takeout from the establishment we'd gone to (Italian food) and so we ordered her a plate and took it to her when we finished out dinner out.
Yes she has a reverse mortgage on her home and yes she is required to not vacate that home for any 12 month period of time or the bank takes possession of the home. That's how it works. So yes, she has to maintain some semblance of residency in that home.
Some, when they do a reverse mortgage opt to have a monthly stipend sent their way .. some opt to have the funds over and above whatevever mortgage balance was paid off .. have those funds set aside to use at their discretion. MIL chose the latter of those two options. She has funds .. sitting in an account, should she need to tap into those funds and she has .. (new roof, .. paid off her auto . years ago .. paid off a face lift long ago .. other things .. but she does still have some semblance of those funds at her disposal .. I don't know how much .. it's none of my business and I don't ask).
Has anyone ck'd the state of IL to see if a p/t resident there is somehow qualified for a Medicaid bed in the event of that need. I doubt it.
I'm the DIL here and I found out the hard way in all this, that all my steppin and fetchin (for a long long long time) and all my opinions .. being on the front lines of it all ... were all for naught .. nobody really gave a damn. More to the point, as long as I'd keep steppin and fetchin .. and satisfy all the need to keep her .. firmly entrenched in her own home (against what I loudly have proclaimed is what I think is best .. to deaf ears) .. as long as I'd keep steppin and fetchin .. those proverbial pats on the head of adda'girl would keep coming, but not much more than that. I wasn't looking for monetary compensation or any other means of thanks .. but I was astounded .. absolutely taken back and hurt .. in the end .. to find that I had been on the front lines for a long long time .. steppin and fetchin .. and when the need got to be greater than I can manage on my own .. and need more help .. in fact, she needs a more secure setting to reside .. she's not safe to live alone .... I might as well have been told to go fly a kite for how it all went .. Nobody cares. They aren't gonna do the legwork/brainwork to figure out what best approach going forward, not her son, nor her daughter ... and that's all she has .. her son (my husband) a firm indent on the sidelines of it all, not getting involved in the minutia that is .. her situation .. other than Mr. Fixitt stuff .. which is on like white on rice generally .. her daughter .. not a damn clue .. she is ever so helpful when she's here, .. doing everything but breathe for her mom .. literally .. but .. she has her head stuck firmly up her rear .. on about anything else with regard to her mom's well being.
So .. who of the above is gonna do the legwork/brainwork to figure out how to secure any Medicaid funding .. for a spot in facility anywhere. It hasn't happened, and likely won't happen.
Is she firmly entrenched in her home in the delusion her long lost, estranged son will reappear looking for her, and fall to her feet to beg forgiveness, so she has to be there to welcome it .. as he begs for mercy.
No. In fact, .. if you take, at face value, what she says about that son .. yes it is extremely painful to her .. and something she has kinda come to the realization she will go to her maker absent any reconciliation on that front. She will also tell you, she is fearful of him. In fact, way back when all this came to a head and he said some .. really .. some unkind things to her .. she wanted her locks changed on her doors .. and DH promptly did so for her. Her fearful, her estranged son would appear in the middle of the night to .. ???....what ..???... murder her??? I think her (drama queen) imagination even allowed that she go to that dark spot .. and she believed it to be a possibility.
As she put it at the time, and still .. (it rarely comes up anymore .. that specific aspect of it, locks now changed and have been for a long long time) ... her words: "Anyone who can treat me the way he treated me and said the horrible things he said .. he's just unpredictable enough that I don't trust him .. I live in fear he will show up here unannounced .. and what for .. ?!?!?!?.... to do me harm?!?!?".
That particular thread of the above issue rarely comes up anymore .. long since, the locks were changed. So she doesn't seem to hang on that and chew it routinely .. thankfully.
Do I, or his siblings think him capable of doing his mom harm? No. I think if he wished her ill intent that would've long ago happened. This is all old news, .. like almost 10 years ago .. that he told her just where to step off, and departed the scene and hasn't looked in the rear view mirror, not once. Estranged from the entirely family in fact.
I don't think he would've ever been of the propensity to just show up unannounced and with ill intent, nor do his siblings think that would be anything he'd do, or ever would've done.
But no, I don't think she digs in there firmly entrenched in the false hope that somehow long lost estranged son will reappear and beg for her forgiveness as he falls to his feet.
If you take what shes says about it all, at face value .. she in fact, doesn't want him to appear from outta nowhere, it would frighten her .. she would likely not answer the door .. not until she could get DH on the phone and get him out there to greet his brother in the driveway and ascertain what his intent is .. she's that fearful of him.
Kinda ridiculous if you ask me .. but I'm not 88 years old, and terribly frail .. and estranged from a son who I perceive I did nothing to cause .. and so find him to be terribly unstable that he could do such.
As for the "team" ---The mission of the Stephen Ministry (see its website) is to offer spiritual and emotional support. Anything the church ladies do outside of that would be a special favor. Some offices of MOW (see website) do errands, transportation, etc., and others don't. Maybe SIL could call the local office and find out whether it offers supplemental services, or only meal delivery. And anything the neighbor does would just be an occasional favor. Even the kindest neighbors don't take on the responsibility of on-going or frequent care.
Your MIL may have realized this already and be embarrassed to "reach out" to these people for more than they are willing to offer.
As for MIL's finances --- There are good for-profit organizations out there that will do everything from errands, to housekeeping, to hands-on personal care for about $20 an hour; there are taxis and Uber cars, there are grocery delivery services, etc. Can your MIL afford to "reach out" to for-profit providers? If the reverse mortgage is 14 years old, if right off the bat she spent $10,000 to $15,000 (just a guess) of what she got on a roof, cosmetic surgery, and payoff of her car loan, depending on whether she has dipped into the balance to cover her monthly expenses, etc., etc., she may be near the end of her resources.
It would be a good idea for her kids --- DH and SIL --- to find out where she stands financially, so as to figure out whether a team of paid caregivers is a doable option for MIL or not. Because even with SIL staying with MIL in Florida, or MIL staying with SIL in Illinois, there IS GOING TO BE a need for more care hours and skills than SIL can provide sooner or later.
Dorker, you shouldn't have to take these worries on, but (as someone who has had to get involved in my own mother's financial planning) I think either DH or SIL needs to be looking hard at the money issues to make sure no one is blindsided down the road. Is there any way you can be sure that's being done?
If she goes to Illinois fairly soon, this may not be top priority, but it may be important when she returns.
This has been a source of much chagrin to my mother, of all people .. not really a player in any of this. But she has had her pegged for a long long long time, and as such, hasn't had a lot of use for my mother in law and being in her presence.
Let me give you one of the oldest examples. My mom .. when DH and I married, a hundred years ago, or so it seems. My mom, at that time, has a little small real estate portfolio .. not much (she no longer does) .. but a few houses. One of those .. a local small home .. not much of a home really .. and not in a grand neighborhood, rather small, concrete block .. not even what some would consider a "starter" home .. it needed a lot of work.
She gave that home to DH and myself (had a small mortgage .. monthly payments of $159). Quit claimed it to DH and myself. It was a starter home for us, and we were beyond elated to get it. Not a great neighborhood as I said, and needed some work .. very small house .. but we were more than tickled to have it.
At some point in our engagement, mine and DH's, when the above became common knowledge .. that my mom would be giving us this house (yes still a mortgage on it, small small mortgage). MIL said the following to my mother about it: "Really?!??! That's not in a very good neighborhood .. those are older homes in that area .. not very big .. I don't know, .. I don't know that I'd be willing to move into that area, it's not a real good area".
My mother, who is known to have a forked tongue and say biting things .. to those who have offended her, returned volley with: "I'm sure if you can do better, they'd be thrilled to have it", and walked away.
My mom has never forgotten that exchange of dialogue. Great example of letting her mouth overload her azz. Why not be gracious .. or if you can't say something nice, say nothing .. but say something nice like maybe, "Oh .. wow . yea there are some real fixer uppers in that area, if DH and she do their due diligence, I'm sure they can eventually turn a nice profit on that home ... ". Just .. say something nice. Or, nothing at all.
That goes back eons ago .. one of the very first encounters between my mom and DH's mom.
Fast forward many many years later .. I'm sure there were foibles along the way between the two .. .but there are a few that stand out glaringly. Many many many years later, my mom and her then husband .. retiring .. selling their home on the river .. and buying a 55' yacht to spend their retirement years .. sailing the oceans ...
It became evident my mom, in conversation .. doesn't swim .. she never learned .. MIL .. biting remark: "You're going to live on a yacht and YOU DON'T SWIM!?!?!?!?!?".
My mom returned volley: "that's the point of a boat .. a big one, .. I don't intend to have to".
Mom later telling me, "who asked her opinion, I sure didn't".
There have been numerous examples of why things were said .. and my mom, not one to suffer fools gladly .. has no use for her and her comments that weren't solicited. My mom .. understands .. why her son has left her periphery ..
Your mom is very quick witted and street smart. She knows how to handle bullies.
She spent the time with DH tonight telling about that incident and followed by the "mess that her feet/legs are .. that she can't feel her feet/legs below the knee".
Uhm .. isn't this the same person who just a mere few days ago wanted me to go with her to let her work on her driving?
Blaming the fall, at least in part, on the legs/feet that are a "mess" as she put it, .. can't feel them. (The neuropathy .. that has been mentioned here).
Yes SIL knows about it .. she told her. No, I hadn't gotten any frantic phone call to rush over and get MIL seen .. thankfully. Not that I would've done so, that's for her son to take care of, should that occur.
She's right when she says the words "I'm always a hair's breath from falling". She is.
And she is also a hair's breath from a serious injury in one of these falls.
No need to get all frantic about it all .. and I don't. I used to .. but I've seen it doesn't do any good. As SIL put it, and she's right .. "nobody can prevent her from falling, even if she lived in an AL .. nobody is gonna follow her around with a net to make sure she doesn't fall .. she could fall living with me .. ". That's true.
Fortunately, she wasn't hurt (this time).
Did she realize she was ok and decide not to activate?
Many times after a fall or accident we aren’t really sore for a couple of days. When the inflamation kicks in to heal the tissue stiffness or soreness will then follow.
Good to rest. Use ice. Maybe take an inflammatory. It was good she wasn’t sore today. But as there is a delay before the healing begins, she still might become uncomfortable tomorrow.
Nice that DH visited twice in three days. Did he mention if he checked her over for bruises? She may not be able to feel them with the neuropathy. I suppose it depends on where she landed.
All in a days work for her, these falls. Hazards of being old.
A facelift?!!! :-/
Have you ever wondered if your SIL and hubby really are/were as devoid of common sense as they pretend? Your hubby’s improving so cudos to him.
My prediction:MIL isn’t going to Illinois in June and she’ll be sitting in her house the September day a Cat 5 approaches. It’s all SIL ‘talking’.
One thing I don't understand, Dorker, is that you had written you weren't going to do Poochy duty. Yet here you are taking Poochy to the groomer this Thursday. I would think switching your Thursday to another day to take MIL to her eye doctor appointment would be more important. And you did switch the day of the week one time already, correct, to accommodate a medical appointment? I suspect you agreed to Poochy duty this time, because you don't want your D to be bothered by MIL. Yes?
You are such a good person to go and see what MIL needs one day/week. And to set limits is fine (such as you have about no floor mopping, ironing pajamas, yardwork, etc.). I like when you bring or make lunch on Thursdays, and you and MIL eat together and chat. That woman needs that more than anything, I think.
I was watching Forrest Gump Sunday night.
So out he walked on his mama’s Alabama balcony looking down the drive for Jenny and he had on his IRONED PJ’s and they looked GREAT. Of course I immediately thought of MIL in her own PJ’s standing on the same balcony with her walker and little pup at her side. (no kitchen table in this movie...the best view is from the balcony).
Later when Jenny lay dying in mama’s white iron bed positioned in front of the bay windows, she’s got at least the top of those PJ’s on....still ironed. Earlier in her apartment in Savannah when Forrest goes to find her and little Forrest, Jenny has her iron left out on top of the ironing board. She’s wearing her perfectly ironed waitress outfit. She had her long blond hair cut and styled in mama fashion.
I was feeling pretty rumpled in my own cotton pjs. Just reflecting that when Jenny was off on her adventures she didn’t looked so starched. After she became a mama herself, out came that iron.
What an image. Tom Hanks and MIL on the balcony sharing the ironed pjs and the little dog by their feet. Whoops, I almost forgot the walker....
Doesn't matter in the end, ... she's not my mom .. I get no say-so.
To answer a question asked, ... shouldn't it be more important that I maybe jockey my schedule around a bit to accommodate MIL's eye appt later this month, rather than .. stick to my schedule, which will then allow that I take the dog to the groomer appt they've made for him, on my slated day to be there.
I guess that's subjective ...
The way I look at it, let's reflect back when MIL was supposed to have been carted off to IL, back in April ... remember, before that .. it had been said "we'll take her in the spring, don't want to try to do all that in the dead of winter". Like "winter" has anything to do with much of it, when this is someone who is for all intents and purposes, home bound ... not like she and her being subject to harsh winters is going to make a difference one way or the other.
So be it, spring it was to be. So April rolls around, .. yes, SIL had been here for months, to nurse her mom back along, after a nasty fall. April, is the time slated for when SIL will now return to her home, and her life .. and suddenly, it's off the table, as to MIL going to IL.
This had been said all along, that they'd make this happen .. "spring time".
Suddenly it all changes course. MIL doesn't want to go .. her home, her memories there, her "things", .. all so precious to her, and too hard to depart and leave.
All of a sudden there is this proclamation, MIL and SIL having decided (a soon to depart SIL) .. that MIL will be left there.
DH comes home from there, having heard this latest "decision". Of course DH's input wasn't sought, nor was mine (but I don't count, not really).
I blew a gasket, because I KNOW .. what it takes to prop it up for her to stay in her home. SIL does too, .. or she should, she stays there with her, .... when she comes and she does everything but breathe for her mother when here ... running from pillar to post constantly buttoning down any and everything one can possibly think of to attend to, and then some.
But big difference there, .. when SIL is here to do for and help her mom, .. her life and responsibilities back home ... are on a shelf there .. I don't know how things get attended to on that front . but .. her husband sometimes stays behind and attends to things on that end (that which he's able to) .. or maybe she hires out some of it, to be done on her end, at home (shoveling snow .. yard mowing, .. I dunno).
But here .. on the ground, to prop it all up .. when SIL isn't here, .. I'd spent far too long, running from pillar to post myself, buttoning it all up, all while trying to manage my own life .. here .. and my responsibilities .. and this isn't my mom .. and I get no say so in the outcome of any of it.
DH comes home from there announcing this proclamation that she is to be left here .. she doesn't want to go, it makes her terribly sad, . to leave her "things", her "memories", her "home". She is to be left here, and SIL will leave without her.
It was then, when I blew a gasket that everyone seemed to look at me like I have 3 heads ... and announced that MIL has now come to the realization (where she hadn't before .. always insistent .. "now I can do this, I will manage", but she doesn't, thus my running from pillar to post for far too long) ... it was then it was announced that MIL now realizes she needs more help .. that it can be solely on one person to do it all . and she has reached out to
Her Neighbor (flighty C)
Her MOW drivers
The church ladies ...
DD has offered to help it was said
So .. it was "sold" to me, .. me over here blowing a gasket over it all, .. that there is now a "team" .. that will help her, .. small errands, doc visits, .. dog need, etc etc etc.
I knew when that was sold to me, it wouldn't be the reality going forward .. but .. as with all the other mess that bumps the bottom here rocking along ... to fight it all is futile. I get no say so in it all ...
As I said, as long as I will keep steppin and fetchin to the beat of the drum in that direction those adda'girl pats on the head will keep a comin .. short of that ... just shut up and let us do what we want, is pretty much how it goes.
So where has this supposed team been since SIL departed in April?
Flighty C called one time, at SIL's prompt from afar, to ask if MIL needed to be carted off to the grocery store. No, MIL didn't need to be carted off to the grocery .. she has the few groceries she needs, .. because Dorker comes on Thursdays and generally speaking there is a few things she needs at that time, and Dorker sees to it.
The church lady has gone one time, on her way there, to pick up some dog food at the vet's office .. at MIL's prompt ...
MIL has cancelled doc appts along the way .. and threatens to cancel more ... as she "has no suitable way to get there" (her words). Where is this "supposed team" .. ??......why not reach out to one of them, and ask. Maybe she has asked, and didn't like what she was told, maybe MOW drivers declined to help .. maybe Flighty C has said that's out of her scope to help with .. maybe DD is busy with babies .. I dunno .. but no one has been forthcoming with any info, "oh gee, sounds like that team we thought we had, that's not really working out in practicality .. gee .. sure is difficult here, to keep her in her home and her unable to get around and attend to the things she needs to attend to".
I haven't heard that, if that's the case.
In my mind's eye .. if I step to, to the need and jockey my world around .. it's a slippery slope that has been defined here as mission creep. You do it once, it becomes 10 x's that you are expected to keep jockeying your world around, to meet that need. That's the very reason I backed away from being the "go to" in it all. It takes too much to prop it all up.
If I will keep jockeying my world around, to accommodate keeping her in place, her most fervent desire and not the reality, at least in my opinion .. of what needs to occur ... then what's the motivation anywhere to change anything .. Dorker will keep jockeying around what she needs to do, and MIL's needs/wants get met .. doesn't matter in the end, that Dorker is stepping to the beat of a drum she no longer subscribes to.
Where is this supposed team? Why not call upon them? Isn't that what the selling point was, in leaving her in place ..
It was interesting the other day just in conversation with DH .. and my point being that she cancels doc appts, no suitable way to get there (her words) .. and this was all from the premise that she'd asked me to work with her on driving and I declined to do so. He confirmed, just in this conversation that she does NOT need to be driving .. and I mentioned to him, that she just wants to be able to drive to get herself to her doc appts., ,. she has an eye doc appt the end of this month that she still has no answer to, as to how she will get there.
He said to me, "why can't you take her?".
Do you see what I mean?
He and I had a heated exchange over it all, when I blew a gasket at her being left here, once again, on her own ... and me digging in my heels that I can't see to all her need, and he was one that "sold" this .. "she has a team now".
Then suddenly .. when the water hits the wheel ... and there is "need" .. it turns in my direction, "why can't you take her?". Where this "team" DH? You said there's a team now, why can't THEY take her, one of this "team".
I'm basically holding their feet to the fire, is what I'm doing. It's their decision to leave her in place, not mine .. I don't agree with that approach ..
Now I don't think for a minute they can tie her up and drag her outta there against her will, no. I know better. But they could, both of them, get on the same page and be more persuasive than either of them have shown any propensity to be.
They can talk of, .. the true reality of it all, .. and how it's impossible to prop it all up ... all her need, need she is ill equipped to address on her own, in her frail state of being .. they can talk with her, about the REALITY of what "IS" .. but they choose not to. They choose, and it's their mom, they get to decide, not me ... they choose to not push that envelope .. at least from what I've viewed .. opting instead for her happiness .. and that is what makes her happy, to be left alone .. in her home.
But then when you .. on the other end of all this, throw out the reality of (and to each of them, to DH and to his sister) .. "but who is gonna see to all the need/want/whim .. who is gonna see to that ... it's too much ... ".
You get, "she has finally agreed she needs more help and has reached out now .. and she has a "team" now".
Okay ......
I'm just not ever going there again. There was a time that I was unable to manage my own world for the need that kept constantly impinging on my world .. I'd make plans for my day .. and then be upended .. pretty routinely .. by need/want on that end .. and when I began to balk .. it was always met with, either MIL and her mantra, "Now I will manage here, I know what I must do and I will do it" (but she didn't, she'd mention a need/want, to SIL in their numerous phone calls daily and SIL would be in my ear about it all, me, the only one that was on the scene to deal with any of it) .. or it would be met with, SIL's mantra, "I know, she's so stubborn .. I don't know what we're gonna do with her", all while she's giving me three more directives from afar, to go address for the day and my list of to-do's for the next day and the day after ....
My feeling at this point is one of, ... "if you guys find it suitable to leave her to manage on her own, certainly your decision to make and not mine .. then you guys can figure out how to see to the need/want/whim that crops up. I won't completely divorce myself entirely from the situation .. I will be of help ..in some small way that I find manageable for me and my world .. and I'll go over there one day a week to do what I can to visit with her, and help with whatever I can .. outside of that . it's up to you guys to figure out how it all gets met".
And I don't feel I'm wrong in that approach.
Yes I said that I'm not attending to Poochy need. And no, I don't .. outside of what is my scheduled time there to help her. If she needs something else for Poochy .. and it's outside of my time to be there, .. she can work it out however she sees fit to do so.
I know, ... when I'd been there a couple of weeks ago, she'd mentioned that her dog is so badly in need of grooming .. (and I know she can't get there, to see to that) .. I have suggested mobile groomers, falls on deaf ears. There is a supposed "team" .. (so I was sold) ..
I didn't respond at all, .. she mentioned how haggard he looks .. I made no suggestion whatsoever, to meet that need, on purpose. I could've said to her, "gee what about all the folks you have lined up that are at the ready to help you, maybe one of them can step to that need", and heard a response of (which I generally hear from her) "Oh you know, I just hate imposing on people .. you know .. I just wish that I could get back to doing for myself here .. I just hate it, I don't want to bother people". (But obviously doesn't mind bothering me).
She didn't ask me to take the dog to the groomer. She mentioned just in conversation how haggard he was looking and in need of grooming and I didn't engage at all ..
Next thing you know, .. I'm there for my routine visit weekly and she mentions that the dog has an appt next Thursday .. I think she said that SIL made the dog an appt .. but asked me if I'd come a little earlier than I normally do, so I can pick up the dog and get him to the groomer for her.
So fine .. she or her daughter, one of them ... worked within the confines of what I have set forth as to my help in it all. They (without prompt or engagement on my part) .. got it worked out that the dog's appt be on the slotted time for me to be there. That's fine .. I'll do it.
Had she asked me, "hey I called the groomer, and I know that you come on Thursdays but they can't take him til Friday after that, can you come *again* on Friday, I'll need you here Thursday of course, to do x, y and z .. but if you could come again on the next day to take poochy to the groomer for me. My answer would've been no. See when they can get him in on a Thursday and I'll see if I can help you there.
She's had me go and get his special treats from the vet on Thursdays .. when I also go out to pick up the few things she needs in the way of groceries .. and I've done it.
Point being .. she has a lot of need (some of it want/whim) .. and I will help .. in a designated kinda way .. that works for me. What occurs as to need/want/whim outside of that .. is up to her offspring .. they can figure it out.
No her medic alert thing doesn't just go off if she falls, she doesn't have that specific sort of medic alert. She has a pendant she wears around her neck and it has a button she can use (never has though). She didn't utilize it, I guess, figuring she could work her way to get up, and she did that.
DH said he told her she should've used it, that's what it's there for. She had responded that she didn't want all the hoopla of EMS folks arriving and neighbors then curious as to the latest .. and that she knew, if she worked at it, she'd get herself up. He said he told her she could've called him that he'd of come to help her get up. I don't know why she didn't, other than maybe she had some realization that he'd just come from there, having been in attendance for a few hours as her new alarm system was installed .. and instructions given, etc .. he'd spent a few hours there, to see to that, at her request, and had in fact, been running late to get back here, for a bque we were hosting .. on this end, had been held up there as his mother talked (she does like to talk, a lot) to the interesting guy that was there to install the alarm system .. and that he'd had to finally make a hasty departure ... after listening to the droning on and on, of all the conversation .. him now running late to get back here ..
Maybe she had some recognition for the fact he'd just left there .. and was running late .. and she didn't want to bother him to return there to help her to get up. I don't know why she didn't call him.
But yes, thankfully she wasn't injured .. and yes, I'm sure she's going to be very sore .. we all would be, but her even more so in her frail state.
So MIL and SIL should know to make any doctor appointments for Thursdays now, and then you will be able to take MIL, right?
Don't change your day of the week again, because that is what might confuse things as to what you will do/when for MIL.
I did take her to a knee appt., but it was a Thursday appt ...
You are right - she HAS options for transport - she just doesn't want to use them. So she cancels Doctor appointments. She is a big girl - her choices. This does not mean you have to cover the transportation and i'm glad to see you sticking to your guns.
Good luck - i have a feeling you are going to have to be strong as DH and others try to erode the Thursday time - bit by bit.
Facts: MIL has Parkinson's late stage with some cognitive issues (Hubs words read mild Parkinson's dementia), suprapubic catheter that requires stoma care and changing catheter tube and emptying, skin lymphoma that requires cream applied, and breakthrough "shakes". She is on Medicaid in skilled nursing because SHE CANNOT PERFORM ACTIVITIES OF DAILY LIVING, SELF-CARE FOR HER STOMA AND CATHETER, AND MANAGE MEDS ON HER OWN. FIL is end stage COPD on constant O2 concentrator, stroke survivor, prostate cancer survivor, and cannot walk more than 5 feet without stopping and restarting.
We had brunch yesterday. MIL complained to my husband that SNF is not performing care for her stoma after she had bladder surgery due to UTI's, two biopsies inside bladder, and enlargement of stoma for catheter because she's having issues with the suprapubic catheter. She complained to director of nursing because (this is important) MIL cannot care for her stoma and catheter ON HER OWN and the nurses were not coming and doing it promptly enough. FIL is looking like 15 miles of bad road and stated that he had to go home and rest after having MIL out of NH on Saturday for 2 hours for visit and trip to their home 2 miles away from SNF. Stage Set....
MIL and FIL plan to attend my niece's wedding in a town 4.5-5 hours away by freeway from FIL's home. They plan to DRIVE there with only FIL driving. They plan to attend wedding and stay overnight in handicap accessible room and drive 4.5-5 hours back the next day. They do NOT plan to hire home health care to come with them or meet them there to help with dressing, medications, catheter care/changing/emptying or anything else. GOT IT.
I finally pinned hubs down yesterday about the state that they are at in JUNE. Wedding is JULY. Air quality will not get better. Trip will not get shorter. Health of MIL and FIL will not improve. Last night, Finally - Hubs said he has listened to what I've said about their condition and the myriad problems that the trip poses and probable health and attention demands for care entailed. My hubs said "his intention is for his brother and his niece not to have the wedding or events around it disrupted and if help to arrange things is needed when his parents attend the wedding, hubs will do it. His parents will be unhappy if they cannot attend, and MIL needs the social interaction of the wedding since she is in the facility most of the time with her health problems.". I thanked hubs for his honesty. I told him: I WILL NOT BE ATTENDING WEDDING. I WILL GIVE EXCUSE OF NEW JOB STARTING JULY 2, AND YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANT TO HELP WITH YOUR BROTHER AND PARENTS.
Because, Dear Dorker, as you noted in your recent post, WHY CAN'T YOU DO IT THIS ONE TIME? will be the mantra for each need as it presents with his parents. It has been the case at the celebration for MIL/FIL 50th anniversary last year, at funeral last fall for brother's stepson with subsequent meal we paid for, for almost every brunch that WE usually pay for where MIL demands I sit next to her for a conversation (complaint with indirect requests for unpaid help in EVERYTHING). Rather than continue being angry and expecting TWO narcissists with major health issues and cognitive deficits to make a smart decision or their adult sons to give intelligent input rather than "we'll make it work" and change the situation? I'll stay home. Let me know how it works for you when it is actually you doing the heavy lifting or sitting in the ER for the care or getting hijacked to drive them to/from the wedding. Have fun!
Not that it's cause for celebration that there are elderly folks that are frail and needy and that we, you and myself and who knows who else might be in these shoes .. stand firmly dug in .. that we won't do and do and do for them.
I think, like you, your situation, with your MIL, sounds completely unreasonable there should be any expectation her health issues can be managed in traveling and in that setting.
Go for it son of her's.
I say .. it's their right, the offspring of said needy/frail folks .. it's their right to allow their folks the latitude they think the old folks require as to their well being .. go for it. But they are also free to suffer the ramifications of that latitude given.
I can't wait to hear how this all goes. I'm betting your mother in law will back out once she finds out you won't be in attendance to mind her health issues for her. I'd put money on it.
Cheers to you for sticking to your guns on it!
Who cares?! Guest'll be too busy making money to pay attention :)