I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Dorker bet Guest's MIL/FIL won't go without Guest being the (m)aide.
Countrymouse bet Guest's MIL/FIl will go and then blame Guest for however things turn out
Polarbear here will bet MIL/FIL will go, and sons will try to enlist free help from some other wedding female attendees which will disgust them to no end.
Any other bets?
I’m sorry but your situation sounds MUCH worse than Dorkers. I’m hoping that if they go no harm comes of it BUT I bet she thinks more than once about going without you. Does she know yet that you aren’t going?
Is your husband going on his own since FIL is driving them?
You know it’s like any other accident waiting to happen. It will happen when the right circumstances come together.
And worse things can happen than a son having to take personal care of his own mother or make arrangements. (I’d like to see him pull that out of a hat...would an urgent care work?).
As far as that goes if FIL can drive five hours I don’t know why he can’t do personal care?
And Glad if this trip goes well with the boys handling things you should be freed up in the future from such disagreeable chores.
So..Polar Bear...because I want that to be what happens I’ll go with CM that they will go alone and Glad I hope you have a wonderful time alone at home for that weekend.
Enjoy your new job. It comes with great perks.
FIL: Well, weather reports for that area now saying usually over 100 degrees and up to 100% humidity (yup it has been for centuries. I mentioned this when date originally set). Hotel rooms are so expensive. You can share ours.
MIL:If she’s not coming you need a hotel room? When did you say you were leaving?
.
I do want to hear how this turns out. Why oh why, .. isn't there a voice of reason in all of this .. with your situation, which yes, .. is far worse .. (I don't have to concern myself with catheters, or Parkinson's) but with mine also .. no voice of reason.
As an aside got a text from SIL this afternoon, just an informational type thing, letting me know where the prince and family have reserved as hotel accommodations (place with a splendid pool .. so all the kids . including DD's .. can go join in the fun).
But the text then goes on to say the following: "Oh btw, I talked with mom's housekeeper and she is going to do the ironing for her .. I'll just pay her something to do it".
Now, is it wrong of me that would annoy me, just a bit?
It's not like I needed an update to the ironing dilemma. It was rather obvious that wasn't anything I was going to be stepping up to do. But more to the point, it's not like I'd been wringing my hands with worriation of *oh my how ever will we solve this latest conundrum". I hadn't been. Not to MIL, not to SIL, not to DH .. not to anyone.
It's nothing that I needed an update on .. as to the resolution of it. Is it said because the hope is that I will step in and pay for that? Is it mentioned because there is this perception that I somehow was loosing sleep over it all (I wasn't). Why?
Just a bit annoying.
It's nothing more than a little bit of projection and a little bit of self-congratulation. SIL *had* been worrying about the ironing, among her whole smorgasbord of things to worry about, and she's solved this one, so that's good isn't it. Just pat her on the head.
Similarly, she's excited about her boy's visit and she wants to spread that around too. My lovely SIL always tells me chapter and verse on absentee SIL's annual visits. I couldn't give a _lying _uck WHAT Absent is doing as long as it doesn't involve me but I can't expect Lovely to feel the same.
The ironing, OY VEY.
See, the thing is this. I am no longer "impressed" by SIL's ability to balance 40 plates in the air of the minutia that "is" the situation with their mom. Yes, she can order and stand guard with the best of pressure washers to wash the drive way so that MIL can go out and use the drive way with her walker (something she never does do). She can take her when visiting here, to the DMV to renew her DL .... she can get with the housekeeper to secure add'l services .. and get that ironing dispatched post haste.
I'm not impressed.
I would be impressed if she and her brother actually sat down and had some real dialogue on the "safety" of their mother's situation and how best to approach it .. and get on the same page .. and work towards that end. THAT would impress me. The rest of it, as far as I'm concerned, is *busy work* ... .all while she glances sideways to remind those on the periphery of all she's doing to make her mom's life more comfortable, nothing more. It's like I've said all along .... she has this desire that her mom remain in her home, per her mom's wishes ... and that the setting there, not one thing pierce the veil of being uncomfortable in any way. She can't get to doc appts in any suitable way (her mom's words) .... no .. don't bother pushing an agenda that there is public transport for same ... but by GOD her pj's are ironed and pressed. Her mom is a hair's breath from falling all the time (her mom's words) .. no .. don't push the envelope that maybe living alone is no longer safe for her, and you and your brother get on that page and work towards that end. But by GOD that driveway is pristine ... not a spec of dirt anywhere on it.
I'm not impressed, at all.
Imparting that info to me, as if I was somehow laying awake at night .. as maybe she was doing, ... trying to figure out how to not let that .. one more thing .. pierce the veil of any uncomfortableness in MIL's life. I wasn't. I really ..in the end .. don't find wrinkled pj's to be a problem at all, not when there are WAY BIGGER FISH TO FRY that get ignored, routinely.
And ......... interesting on the prince's visit here local and accommodations as to hotel .. the big splendid pool at the hotel where they've booked. This info gets imparted to me, I suppose, as a means to get word to my daughter ... the mother of 3 kids .. 2 of which are babies ... and I suppose, the hope .. that DD will bring her kids .. and all can swim and enjoy the splendid, magnificent pool at this facility.
First off, the best way to communicate that info is to talk to the person themselves, not me. If your hope is that I'll pass that info along to DD .... yes I will probably mention it.
But ...........
If I know my daughter .. and I think I do .. here's about what the response will be, "ugh ... hotel pools ... I dunno .. the germs .. ya know ... I'm never real sure about those hotel pools .. and why aren't they all coming here to swim .. you have a pool mom ... and .. to be quite honest .. dragging two babies and all their things to a hotel .. to go enjoy a pool, when I have a pool right here that I use at your house, and your house has everything I need for babies right here, including somewhere for them to nap .. I dunno .. that doesn't really excite me".
I will be REALLY surprised if I hear something other than about what I describe above ... in imparting that info to her. I doubt I will. DD does come here, .. and with 3 kids and yes they use the pool here .. we have little baby floats that the almost 1 yo's float around in .. secure with hooding over them so not to get sunburned .. we have refreshments here .. in case the 4 yo needs a snack or a drink .. no need to lug along a cooler or pay some hotel tiki bar, for a cup of juice ... we have baby formula here, diapers ... no need to lug along a diaper bag complete with all that's needed for babies .. we have sleeping apparatus here for the babies to nap here ... all of these things are things that DD comes in this direction with 3 kids in tow, routinely .. and so to do otherwise .. and drag along a diaper bag .. and her wallet to pay for snacks/drinks at a tiki bar at the hotel .. and nowhere for babies to nap ... I'm betting that won't excite her one iota.
And not only that, .. the royal children of the prince, they live in a (from what I've seen in pictures) splendid high rise in Abu Dhabi ... that has a grand pool or 3 or 4 ... and so they too, .. swimming in a pool .. not anything that's some wonderful new epiphany for them.
I don't know ... I'm just not impressed.
**and on another note**, thank goodness for small miracles. The fact that I deferred to DH on the alarm system and installation and he went in that direction and not me. THANK GOODNESS it wasn't me. His mom called him yesterday evening, .. this is probably the 5th or 6th time he has explained the fob of the system .. they installed a new, more updated system for her alarm there .. and now she has a fob .. a fob that is meant solely for her bedroom, to arm and disarm the system, rather than her having to travel to the keypad ... that fob .. that thing is the bane of DH's existence now, as she asks him repeatedly about it .. how to use it, why she was given it ... when to use it, when not to use it. I heard him on the phone explaining it .. yet again to her .. says this is the 5th or 6th time .. and he even covered the mouth piece to talking to her, and whispered to me, "I'm gonna go over there and take the damn fob thing .. and throw it in the damn trash .. I'm so sick of explaining this", as he rolled his eyes ...
Saw that coming a mile away .......... and stayed away from it. HOORAY
Cognitive decline on the fob. My best friend can’t push the button on remote to watch Netflix. By the way it’s labeled NETFLIX!
Any thought at all put to it, one would ascertain that's not likely. I don't even go into my own b'yard and enjoy the pool steps from my back door, a whole lot. I had melanoma a few years back .. (too many years laying out in the sun frying like a piece of bacon and marveling at my beautiful tan, paying for it now). Was advised to try to stay out of the sun, or .. if I must ... go enjoy the sun .. but coat/lather myself in sunscreen .. like SPF 500 ... and coat myself often and repeatedly. I don't bother, for the most part, I just stay out of the sun. Most who know me, know this about me.
Cognitive decline indeed. Reminds me of years back when nothing would do but that .. according to SIL, MIL needs a new laptop. I argued that point, "she doesn't even use the one she has". To no avail. The thinking on SIL's part ... "if she had a newer one that wasn't so frustrating, she'd use it, it'd be a great way for me to send pics of the kids .. and she can get online and do some things like communicating with family and some of her bills ... ". I argued that vehemently, .. she doesn't use it. Nope .. had to have it, that'll be a great bday present for her, .. we can all chip in .. and replace her old laptop.
After about 9 or 10 times of me showing her, complete with post-it notes .. and YD showing her .. passwords and navigating around ... I think she finally threw in the towel and quit asking. Cognitive decline indeed.
I don't have any expectation that an 88 yo woman is gonna suddenly become adept at using a computer .. none at all. Her daughter however, nothing would do .. until we paid for and got her a brand new shiny laptop. It sits, as we speak, untouched .. in an extra bedroom. Never used.
Same with the damned confounded stationary exercise bike .. that we just had to have .. per the PT person coming to visit. Argued that point also .. yes .. helpful as long as someone is there for standby as she mounts it and dismounts it .. but when no one is there .. she won't be using it .. no no .. the PT guy says he will work with her, on learning to do that safely, that it will be so helpful to her, to build muscle tone in her legs and strength .. he says he can work with her, so she can use it .. even when he's not here.
Stop the presses, .. had to pull DH off of a job he was on, and us go in the direction of a really nice .. used .. stationary bike .. and go get it .. and deliver it there, so the PT guy could demonstrate and begin working with MIL on it.
It too, sits .. unused, and has .. since it was brought there.
Speaks to what I said about SIL .. working that hamster wheel ever faster .. all the time .... don't let anything pierce the veil of a life with all the bells and whistles and cushy comfy measures.
Years back .. a few years ago .... we only have here in our area, two companies that one might use for cable tv (and forget it, I don't have that capability technologically speaking myself, forget MIL having it .. to be able to do like the young folks do and piece meal things together, .. as to HULU and other programming .. to ditch cable and it's expense). MIL had switched to the company we use here, for her cable tv. The whole reason I use the company that I do, is because I used to be with the only other company there is for that service, and had been displeased with the fact that bills would routinely change, going up .. yet I'd added no more services .. and there never seemed to be any suitable explanation when you'd phone them, if you could even reach a human to ask that question. I switched, to a different cable provider, to avoid that issue ...
MIL had done the same, .. and for that same reason ...
SIL got it in her head .. that the service we all use .. wasn't suitable enough for whatever reason .. and so got it all set .. that she'd switch back to this other company ..the on that I describe as their bills .. changing monthly .. and going up ..
I tried my damndest to get SIL to not do that, for the reason cited above .. nope. Don't listen to me.
MIL spent the next year under contract with this new cable company, with the same problems I detail above .. and countless hours on the phone .. trying to reach a human to explain why the bill has gone up for no explainable reason ...
SIL changed her back .. within the last several months .. back to the company I use. But now ... you see that cognitive decline at work. This was a "bundle" set up .. wherein her internet and phone and cable tv all tied together. However, it was explained to them .. at the time, the phone bill will come separate .. it's all bundled price-wise .. but the phone bill will be a separate piece of correspondence that arrives in the mailbox .. this has been explained and SIL even fought with them .. countless time on the phone .. to try to get it set up where it's all in one bill. Nope, they can't do it that way.
I arrived at MIL's a week or so ago and she'd been on the phone with them for hours .. trying to fight that very issue .. and as she says, "they're all some foreign speaking something .. you can't understand what they say .. they don't understand you and what you say" ..
I asked her, "why are you trying to do that, don't you remember they've explained they can't do that .. the phone bill .. it's gonna arrive separately .. don't you remember that was explained".
"Well that's what they told me Dorker!".
Okay ..
Next month .. it'll be the same, her on the phone trying to get to a human .. and that human will be of foreign dialect and the frustrations will continue ...
Should keep her out of mischief for hours. Enjoy!
As long as SIL doesn't start frantically texting that she can't get through to mother, of course...
Her phone has that *call waiting* feature, .. and ostensibly one hears a tone that lets them know you have another caller trying to get through. One then clicks on the button and answers the other call (if they wish to do so) .. and tells the caller they're on the other line . but will call back .. or whatever.
Not so with MIL. She does have that feature as part of her phone service, but she never .. never/ever, never uses it. Cognitive issues ...??....probably . maybe. I think it's beyond her ability to grasp how to do it, and it all flusters her, she just doesn't do it.
Which is kinda good in one sense .. in that .. if you call her and the phone rings into infinity (and that's what happens) you know she's just on the phone with someone else, .. not that the National Guard needs to be notified an a APB put out to law enforcement .. that she's missing. If she's not on the phone but doesn't answer, the voice recording picks up and one can leave a message for her.
But it's good in a sense, in that .. one knows she is accounted for if the phone just rings into infinity.
Interesting at a church function today talking to L the church lady .. slated to go visit MIL today. She asked me, do I know anything about a new alarm system installed at MIL's. Told her my awareness on that issue (not much as to the nuts and bolts, wasn't there). She said MIL, when she called her to let her know she'd be coming by, implored to her .. would she help her to understand the alarm system that has been installed.
OHMYGOODNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!
DH has explained it to her, .. as he says 5 or 6 times now .. and her still perplexed by it. Now I guess she intended to quiz the church lady on it. Church lady asking me if I'm aware of any instructions that might've come with it, that she could review, .. and that her propensity .. she's leaning towards just telling MIL that she really is not comfortable to mess with it .. since everyone has a different system and she has no real familiarity with it.
I told her to choose the latter option and just enjoy visiting with her, and beg off of trying to decipher the new system .. she can talk to her son.
That seemed to relieve her, the thought there is someone else as a resource for this issue, and not her.
I googled that and came up with this.
It described MIL. This doctor is in Florida.
pro.psychcentral.com/exhausted-woman/2017/01/the-aging-narcissist-adding-dementia-to-the-mix/
She tried to cancel the service entirely, rather than pay the monthly fee they charge for monitoring it.
Note to anyone else in that predicament. They will give you the store and everything in it, if you threaten to cancel. That wasn't her motivation, .. she simply was no longer using it.
Explained why to the company and oh .. they will come and put a whole new keypad .. in a more convenient location, at no charge .. and not only that, there are now these new fangled fobs that one can use .. carry it into your bedroom, let it live there, .. you can use that fob to disable and re-enable the whole system, .. all of this at no add'l charge.
Not sure why, but that fob seems to be the stumbling block in it all. I haven't been there, haven't seen any of this. But he says it's a simple fob with one button on it, only one button .. push it, and a little green light activates to let you know it's doing what you want, .. disarming the system. Push it again .. and a little green light comes on, to let you know it is now armed again.
Not at all sure why this is problematic .. but it does seem to be a real issue she is struggling with.
I'm sure DH wishes they'd of just let her cancel it altogether, as she tried to do.
I'm just glad that I steered clear of all this. I stayed out of the way . and so nobody is calling me with instructions and problems. I hope to stay out of the way of it all.
ALARM ON
ALARM OFF
and a single button that would cause one or the other to light up.
Update: I'm leaning head on desk and laughing to not weep at hubs. My hubs tried to suggest that my FIL call "A" who lives in the city they are traveling to and is a nurse. She could recommend a medical facility nearby if there is a problem. FIL didn't remember her name, had no idea who she was. When hubs said it was BIL's ex, FIL said he didn't talk with her and wouldn't let A know they were there in town anyway. Um, bio mother of the bride at wedding and part of the wedding party. It's hard to miss a Parkinson's patient with walker and COPD person with O2 concentrator that are in the wedding pictures....
Hubs: "I want to be with you. I really want to spend the drive down and back with you. I promise I won't drive parents down. I promise you won't have to..."
Me: "Stop right there. If I am in the same place as FIL/MIL, at some point you will have dance with bride, talk to BIL, go to bathroom. And they will be there. You will want to sit with them to make BIL's life easier. And I will be there with them. You cannot prevent the pit of need and the 2 narcissists. I can't have you making promises that are impossible to keep. It's bad for my anxiety and our marriage. To misquote the movie War Games, what a strange game! The only way to win is not to play. So I'm not going and therefore we won't have any problems with you breaking promises."
Hubs: "What if they don't go? Are you willing to drive down and ..."
Me: "I love the bride. She wants Uncle B (hubs) there! You want to be there. I want you there! But if I'm not going, I'm telling her in advance and I'm not playing the game of driving down with you in case they don't come or cancel at the last minute. not. this. time. I can control me. You can control you. You can't and won't control your parents. So I'm not going to play."
**Sulk for 2 hours**go to bed**sulk this morning**
Hubs: "So what about I sit somewhere else with them?" WHERE IS MY HELMET!
Me: "No is a complete sentence and I didn't stutter. No. Don't make promises you can't keep, enabling one."
I don't believe he really wants you to be driving with him just because he really wants to have your company in the car.
Loved this part!
"I want to be with you. I really want to spend the drive down and back with you. I promise I won't drive parents down. I promise you won't have to..."
Be strong! The pressure will only get worse. His mother is whining to him to make you go take care of her. I'd bet money on it.
As for this end, . not going to MIL's for my Thursday visit. Been hit with a stomach bug. DH started with it .. last night right about bed time. I got up and moved to a different bed, after seeing about him, and patted myself on the back to the smartness of my decision .. meaning I won't catch it. Wrong. Started first thing this morning .. the whole shebang. Been rather unpleasant, to say the least.
Don't want to spread germs to MIL, so begged off tomorrow's visit and taking dog to groomer.
I heard DH on the phone with her this afternoon .. where she talked of having gotten in her car and drove it to the vet to pick up the specialty dog foods .. only to find they were closed. Then, went somewhere else .. and I don't know, sounds like she thought better of it, and came home.
Heard DH admonishing her, "Mother you just told me not two days ago about the mess your legs/feet are, that you can't feel them, you don't need to be driving anywhere".
I don't know what her response was. No, I didn't hear anymore from him that he intends to now go out there and confiscate keys.
Whatever. Everybody just stick your heads squarely up your backsides and ignore the obvious. I feel too bad to fight it all, and haven't said a thing either way on it.