I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
So no .. I needn't be going over to MIL's and re-infecting her, even if I felt compelled and I don't.
No, DH has never chimed in this morning on this group text .. don't know if he's spoken with his mom or sister outside of that media, I haven't asked, and won't be asking.
So the ole gal is out of stamps. Did we not see when we were last paying bills, "gee looks like I'm down to 3 or 4 stamps here, might better put that on a note to get that taken care of".
So we're in need of a grocery run and Flighty C is out of town (as I said they are, a lot) ... so what to do, what to do. Delivery ya think? No .. let's enlist Dorker's free go-getter service.
The dog food sits waiting for pick up and she can't get there, forbidden from and not wanting to (which is a good thing) drive to go get it. How shall we solve that problem? Well don't we have a "supposed" team now? Where are all these "team" players.
Let's see, DD .. you could ask her, .. she'd have to haul 3 kids with her, and unload them from the mini-van to go inside to retrieve said dog food, not something she'd really wanna do, but perhaps would do, if asked. To my knowledge she hasn't been asked.
You could ask YD ....... oh wait .. no ..... YD is on her days working, which means 12 hour shifts .. which negates any ability on her part to be there during the vet's operational hours.
You could ask Flighty C .. or gee .. she's out of town.
What about K across the street with a wife who has a broken ankle .. maybe he would see fit to handle it.
You could ask one of the MOW drivers that you said were now part of what MIL now realizes she needs to reach out for in the way of more resources. Haven't asked them? Why not.
You could get on google and look up local courier services in this area ... and find one that will retrieve said dog food for you and deliver it, for a fee.
You could call the housekeeper that you said was part of the "team" .. oh but wait .. you already asked for more of her time, which she agreed to, for a fee ... to iron the PJ's. Don't know if she's willing .. has the time .. to now go secure dog food.
You could call L the church lady, .. oh wait .. she already did her obligatory visit for the week .. maybe that means she isn't at the ready for another visit and errand to accompany it.
Or you could actually "CALL" your brother rather than send a group text that you hope will spur Dorker to action and/or put a boot up H's backside and get him in motion.
This is what I meant .. when I said so long and so much ... that her needs are too great .. and one lone single person can't deal with it all.
So I'm to believe there is a "team" now ... lead to believe that. But when the water hits the wheel .. the supposed team .. doesn't exist.
The stamps .. one can go on the website and they will be hand delivered with your mail .. it's not that hard.
The groceries .. those too .. there is a delivery service.
I just can't believe anyone can be as dense as she appears. I really can't. I didn't think her to be stupid .. ever. But I'm beginning to ponder that maybe she isn't all that bright in the end.
And as to paying bills .. no I don't suppose her daughter has an issue with her sitting down to accomplish that endeavor. As to the h/o insurance .. if you can remember, she tried to get her mother to call Dorker .. let Dorker help you sort thru the nuts and bolts of all that policy stuff .. but MIL refused, demanding that her daughter .. "let her do this". Who knows what kinda policy she signed on for.
Aren't these the merits (and perils) of one being allowed to live alone? She's thought to be of sound mind to make such calls as to her well being .. and so .. tacit in that decision .. at least in my view .. is that SIL shouldn't then find it imperative that Dorker be called to action to view policy info. If she isn't "fine" to be looking thru such details .. then what else is she not fine to be sorting thru and doing? Which is it.
Dorker is no longer playing both sides of the fence ...
Did that for a long long time .. . buying into the whole "she's just so stubborn ..", .. buying into the "I don't know what we're gonna do with her" .. all while I kept saying she doesn't need to live alone anymore. So fine .. I got the memo. She is thought to be of sound enough mind .. and body to continue living alone ... not my decision to make .. got several copies of the memo there. But ... I also don't have to participate in propping it all up either.
In my mind it's one way or the other. Either she IS fine to live alone .. or she isn't .. it's not gray. It was ... for a while .. but that ship sailed long ago. It's black or white. Not gray. Not gonna sell me that she's fine to live alone .. and make her own decisions .. and so forth and then run my phone up all day every day with managing and propping up what it takes to keep her in that setting.
The way I look at it, you guys are the ones that wish to honor that request on her part, so make it work for her then.
I'll continue to participate by going by and spending time with her one day a week and propping up what can be done in that allotted time. It just so happens this specific time Dorker was ill, and unable to do so.
So now we have .. stop the presses, she needs stamps to mail off her bills she paid .. she needs her dog food picked up, she needs a grocery run. Wants to know YD's whereabouts .. (YD is an adult, ask her).
I haven't answered the group text at all, .. and don't intend to. If I did, I'm afraid I'd say some things that would likely be regretted. Thus, I'll say nothing.
And as to the help .... the help that she qualifies for.
That was some list that SIL had her on .. I dunno .. publicly funded .. not sure .. indigent .. I really don't know how one qualifies for that, or who pays it .. I think the particpant pays a small stipend of what is their monthly income .. income based .. for said services.
MIL has been on a wait list for said services for a year now .. qualified disability wise ... but not qualified as in .. there is a wait list .. get in line. I guess her name came up now.
Last I heard .. there will be an interviewer sent to MIL .. to ascertain what services she needs .. weighted against what services they provide and there it will proceed from that point.
The 3 months thing .. you might've questioned that only because it was stated that the participant .. if they are out of their home and unavailable for said services for any 3 month period of time .. their name then goes back onto a wait list ..
So .. as things stand presently, to my understanding .. we're awaiting the interviewer that will show up to talk to MIL and from there .. they will decide what services she needs .. vs what they offer and it will be set up, that's my knowledge on the topic.
And as to the HHC team that SIL had at one time entertained .. when she was here, .. deploying their services .. that was thought to be too cost prohibitive .. and shelved.
So I'm guessing he's either talked to his sister or his mom.
Now if I can just not feel bad (guilty) that he is working hard, yet having to run from pillar to post to satisfy the "need" on that end .. when there was supposed to have been a "team" to reach out to.
The very reason I was on the front for so so long ... he works hard and a lot of hours and so I ran interference .. to help her, but to take the load off of him, where I could.
He's a big boy .. he can choose to play or not .. will keep repeating that mantra.
SIL has it set up now, .. she can no longer even safely take it from the garage, to the just outside the garage .. and so SIL has it arranged with K, from across the street. He will come on the night before garbage runs .. and drag it from inside her garage, to just outside the garage door.
When I was last there, at MIL's .. she mentioned .. . along with having opened a bedroom door to show me the stacks of PJ's that she was "working at", to try to iron .. she mentioned that she was going to ask K to come and hose out her garbage can, it was beginning to smell bad.
I thought at the time she said that, .. that's something I can do .. and meant to do it, but actually got busy with doing other things and forgot. Actually until today for whatever that's worth.
It was just a reminder of all it takes, .. all that she is unable to do on her own and dependent upon others to see to for her ...
The "team" .......... the proposal that there would be a "team" to reach out to for help .. I knew when it was said that wouldn't be practical. I have no idea if K ever came over and rinsed/washed out her garbage can ... haven't asked.
K forgot at one point, or was otherwise occupied and didn't get the garbage out to be picked up and SIL got right on that .. made sure that didn't happen again, likely bugging neighbor K to the ends of the earth about it, don't know.
She can't do much but just exist in her home. If she's sick and things derail .. it's even worse.
It just all .. even still .. seems so completely ridiculous and senseless to live like this ...
She is essentially now down to one team player ..her son ..
I go on Thursdays and do whatever I do on that day .. but that's about it. She has L the church lady .. mostly she just comes as companionship and visits ... but .. really .. in the end, as far as all the myriad of errands that need to be run .. and things seen to, it comes down to DH .. and me, to a lesser degree. That's the "team".
How long does all this kinda stuff go on, .. with someone who merely is capable of only existence .. and all the other "stuff" that has to go on, to prop it all up .. how long does that go on?
I just don't get it.
The only person in MIL's life anymore that runs on that hamster wheel satisfying every need/whim .. and some that haven't even been thought of as to need/whim .. is her daughter .. and usually ahead of schedule .. running as fast as she can go, when here.
But her daughter, doesn't live here.
It's just maddening to me. I mean, .. look at this week's incident. I wasn't able to go on my slotted day. Now I could've .. I could've pushed myself and gone .. today .. or maybe made a promise to go tomorrow .. .but I'd risk spreading germs .. and we know, see prior stories on that whole thing .. BY GOD .. don't let a germ dance anywhere near MIL, .. so the stance I've taken is to stay away with a 10 foot pole, so as to not spread germs.
What have we seen behind that absence of Dorker this week? She has gotten into the car and driven against better judgement .. and reported same to those she knew it would send into orbit. Did think better of it, and decide not to do so again . for the time being probably.
But now .. there is this push for stamps that she needs .. a grocery run .. the dog food pickup.
Wouldn't you think that in this instance, with Dorker the stepper and fetcher in chief . out of commission at least for the moment .. that these other things that are so pushed for at the moment.. that they could've been seen to by this supposed "team" .. or some other means?
No .. Dorker misses one lone Thursday and .. it feels like all hell breaks loose. And I truly don't do a whole lot .. on my visits there .. not at all compared to what I used to do for her.
It's all just unbelievable. How long does this utter dysfunction continue?
It's going to last as long as MIL is alive. Not to wish *ill* upon anyone--but I remember my grandma in her last days, saying "I just don't want to live past my shelf date."
And she didn't.
Sadly, many people live waaaay past their 'sell-by date'. It's life. Your MIL is unusual in her amazing ferocity for "life"--and for asserting her independence which she cannot see is ONLY because she has a few people literally holding her up.
Honestly, did you really ever think this "team" thing was going to work? Or the home health people? Of course not. It's depressing, but it's probably the truth.
You need to get away for a while. Can you fly the coop to your mom's for a while? Just...leave?
I have a spare room. Come on over.
I know what it takes to prop all this up . thus my pushback on it all.
DH got off work and MIL now has her precious poochy's special food, along with items secured from the grocery for her, as well as an rx from the pharmacy and some stamps.
I guess the disorientation from the other night has a concern flare shot up, as to UTI again. So .. the rx for the antibiotic, issued some months back with 2 refills, .. we already did one refill a few weeks ago . and things seemed better .. and now the other refill available, has been filled.
I'm sure that SIL was probably about to come unhinged wishing her mom could somehow (magical thinking) get to the doc for lab work .. since it seems there is now concern of another UTI so soon.
But I purposely haven't talked to SIL.
All of the above could've been secured via resources that wouldn't of necessitated that either me or DH hop to, to get it done. She refuses to do so. REFUSES.
And I guess, as long as someone will play (her son in this case) she doesn't have to change what she does.
I do need to get away .. badly.
In fact, I almost hesitate to say it. We are planning to go out of town to my brother's 50th birthday in a few weeks. Let's remember, go back several hundred posts .. remember how she always seems to foul up the few times I'm able to get with my own family. Last time it was because her A/C went out at her house, DH in constant contact with her, but nothing would do until SIL could get someone to haul over a wall unit (in this case a neighbor) .. and a wall unit secured, .. and brought over, but neighbor clueless as to how to install it, so DH summoned.
I hate to even say it out loud what our plans are, and I hate to think what she does is at all purposeful .. to make sure she isn't alone .. and we don't leave town.
But I am tempted to just announce it at the last possible minute (as if my being the one to announce it somehow keeps it under wraps, it doesn't .. ).
I think about a time, at one point, when we'd planned to be out of town and SIL got overwrought .... and her question was: "Is DD going to, are all your daughters going, .. I just feel worried that everyone would be gone if she needs someone".
But it's okay she live alone, right?!?! We're not free, all of us, to go take a family trip .. to see other family, all in the interest of someone staying behind to alleviate your hand wringing over the mother you choose to allow to remain in her home.
That doesn't work for me.
Whatever, we're not all going anyway .. DD and family will be going, YD and OD are not going .. so they will be here in town, should MIL need someone.
But I do truly hesitate to even say it out loud, to SIL or to MIL .. for fear there will be some calamity that will then impede any plans.
Ironically, many seniors keep the drama train going because they're bored and
when they're in community they end up doing better.
Let me see see if I’ve got this straight...
Team Operation MIL has pretty much
dwindled down to the mascot - the vegetarian dog? We all knew it would as this “team” was along the lines of Fantasy Football - with SIL being the only one delusional enough to think all these people were going to stop their own lives in the anticipation that MIL or SIL would call upon them to preform a service.
Yet - the housekeeper does get roped into taking on extra - for a fee - and with all the things that need to be done in order to maintain MILs “independence” - MIL has the housekeeper IRONING HER PAJAMAS?!? OMG!!!
Next - I do think I mentioned this somewhere hundreds of posts past...
This is where it gets really sad and tragic - in this quest to allow an elderly person to remain in their home - “independent”...
If anyone is under the illusion that MIL was able to adequately clean up her bathrooming accident - I’m gonna come right out and say it - the diarrhea- think again. I promise you, due to poor mobility, arthritis, failing eyes and all the other chit that old age defiles us with - she missed spots and just smeared around others. Hell - she couldnt even clean herself up properly, hence the UTI which is undoubtedly e-coli based. Next it’s gonna be spoiled food in the fridge and cupboards, missed dog crap in corners of the kitchen, no showers, sitting in soiled Depends...
Sorry to be so blunt and dismal. But its just nutz! DH and SIL are not alone in this, lots of us have made this mistake in thinking we should allow our parents to live in their homes long past the time they can do so safely - in their misguided attempt to keep their mother “happy” in her home they are doing anything but maintaining her dignity and independence - and when you get right down to it - her happiness.
Dorker, have you read Atul Gawande's On Being Mortal? You should get it yourself and send a copy to SIL.
I promise you that if SIL and MIL find this out, poop will hit the fan just before you leave. Just pretend you are home whenever they text and call during the week.
Rainmom
Yes, yes, yes. All in the name of "dignity and independence" an elderly person ends up living in filth and squalor. But "they are so happy to be in their own home."
I witnessed what you described with my aunt. Her mind is still pretty good, but she goes off the rails about every 2 weeks. She was staying at home and I was doing most of the propping up. The needs were gradual and before long it was a daily thing.
Her house was a disaster - dirty clothes all over the bed, chair and floor, dried poop and pee all over the toilet seat, down the bowl and on the floor. Wadded throw rugs all over the house just waited to be tripped upon. Had a power outage for 3 days while she was in rehab and she blew up and refused to let any of us throw out the defrosted contents of her freezer. We did manage to throw out whatever meat we could find.
Mail was scattered in every single room of the house. I found some on the edge of the bathtub, on top of the washing machine and even under the sheets in her bed. The kitchen sink always contained dirty dishes with dried on gunk soaking in cold, greasy water that had been sitting for days. A sweep of her kitchen floor frequently yielded LOTS of crumbs, a couple of bottled water caps, about 5 insulin pen NEEDLES, 4-5 dropped pills, and there was always something sticky. She frequently missed taking her meds even though they were separated for her in a day-of-week container and laid out in a prominent spot on her counter. She regularly misplaced her sugar monitor, oxygen monitor, glasses and hearing aids. She accuses family members of stealing anything she misplaces.
She fell multiple times.
"Dignity and independence."
Ain't nothing dignified about that!
After a hellish 2 year battle of wills, I finally got her into an ALF in March (I pulled a Dorker and backed off on the propping up as it consumed me daily). She has been thriving at the ALF. Now she is plotting and scheming to move back home! She intends to have a homeless woman and her 2 teenage sons live with her for free and provide 24-hr. care! I am not kidding!
I truly want to pinch her head off!
I did buy that book, back in the spring, actually, when SIL was in attendance here to her mother's fall and recuperating. I mentioned it to her, in passing, at that time, as a good book she should really read .. and what it was about. Her words, at that time, "Hell I'm living it here . nursing this old person, I damn sure don't need to read about it".
I didn't push it any further. Yes, .. if she were of an open mind .. and could contemplate that end of life .. for some people .. looks quite different than what she would have her mom do, running from pillar to post to doctors hither and yon .. if she would open her mind to such, that book could be useful. I could send her a copy with a little note .. but at this point, ... the less dialogue I have with her, for the time being, the better off I am.
I find myself aggravated with her. For one thing ... let's reflect back on how absolutely paranoid and avoidant she is, .. should there be any inkling of a germ anywhere in our proximity .. (sniffly kids, etc) and at that point, will avoid all of us, even though me and DH may not even be sick ... ahh . but we have certainly been around sniffly kids .. we could be carrying something ... GOD FORBID we give it to MIL .. and will avoid our presence at all costs ..
That has been a glaring issue, .. ongoing .. one that we kinda snicker about .. how absolutely overly cautious that is. I mean, yes it makes prudent sense to stay away from her .. and her compromised state of health if you've been .. or are actively sick yourself .. absolutely that makes sense. But .. the very over the top nature of the fact that the kids .. our g'kids that we do spend a lot of time enjoying ... that they could have a runny nose .. (no fever, nothing else .. and it could very well be from teething) .. let SIL get wind of that, and you would think we have been exposed over here to a plague of some sort ..
In fact, it's so over the top with her .. that when she is in town .. as a general rule .. as kids will do, one of the three kids may have some ailment of some sort (kids get sick) .. and we may have been around them yesterday and they were all fine .. but today one of them wakes up with a fever. Well, damn that's it .. she's sure that we are now carrying some plague of some life threatening germ around with us, just by shear fact we'd been with the kids yesterday.
It actually, in all reality, limits what we can do and be a part of together, her over-the-top concern with it all. So fine . got it .. we don't need MIL to get sick, and let's take all precautions to try to make sure that doesn't happen. Got it. (let's ignore the fact that you guys are forever in and out of doc office waiting rooms, sitting amongst those you don't know what they left at their home in the way of illnesses .. or stopping for lunch in a restaurant when done a the doc office, and don't know the exposure of other patrons in that setting to whatever germs there may be, or running by the grocery and exposing yourselves possibly .. but okay .. whatever, got it).
So then fast forward to his week, w/DH and I both sick with stomach ailments. My absence for this week's visit .. of errands and whatnot.
She, fully aware of the predicament here in our household with DH and myself both. Now granted, he was down for 1 day .. he missed work for one day and then went back to work the next day (probably shouldn't of . should've stayed home and rested more ..but you can't keep him down).
And she is hounding from afar as to the things MIL needs .. can one of us take her some stamps, go pick up her dog food, run thru the grocery for her and pick up a few things, go by the pharmacy.
Uhm of the "one of us", which one of us that has definitely been exposed to illness .. that normally you find abhorrent and should be avoided at all costs, .. which one of us ... do you think suitable to go in your mom's presence for said items?
YD hasn't been sick .. no ... but she is working 12 hour shifts right now and not inclined to hop and run errands. But she also has "DEFINITELY" been exposed, living in this household with her parents who were both sick. So, .. WHICH one of us do you deem is appropriate to go in the proximity of your mom ...??!?!!?.....
If I could've controlled DH .. he'd of not gone either ... for the above reason. "No .. ya know SIL .. you are always so very careful that your mom not get exposed to any germs .. well we know for damn sure there's been illness here .. I don't think it's a good idea that either of us attend to anything that puts us in her proximity .. not a good idea .. she doens't need to get sick".
Just so sick of SIL's actions that have her talking of out of both sides of her mouth. Just so over it! Thus, at this point, the less dialogue I have with her the better for me.
Where was this over-the-top concern we routinely see, when she is present here .. and one of the kids may have gotten the sniffles and her get wind of it . and omg .. stop the presses .. let's quarantine over here, .. and omg . you guys were here yesterday .. I sure hope you didn't have germs on you when you were here, .. were the babies sick yesterday .. oh dear .. we don't need mother to get sick.
Where was all that concern, that over-the-top concern .. when it's at a time that we know damn well, DH and I both have germs likely crawling all over us.
I guess it doens't matter at that juncture .. her not here to see to her mom's every need and breath ... so ... that supposed team .. also not so present as she seemed to have presented it would be .. throw caution to the wind at that point .... come on over one of ya .. and make sure to pick up poochy's foods .. and grab that rx that she needs, oh and she needs groceries .. oh and hop by the pharmacy ...
It grates on my last nerve, the talking out of both sides of your mouth.
As Xena says .. "I could pinch her head off".
When DH went to his mom's last night, part of what he was to pickup was some cranberry juice (suspected UTI). He said he got her a cup of cranberry juice to drink .. and that it appeared she isn't eating (remember she too has had bouts of diahrea here .. with this bug that's going around) .. and she isn't drinking. Said that he got her some cranberry juice and chopped up a banana for her and made some dry toast and sat there with her, encouraging her to eat/drink .. and urging that she continue drinking ... really hammering home that drinking part .. "mother you have to keep fluids going .. you have to".
He said her hands were shaky, she appeared so weak/feeble .. and that he doubt she is hydrating and she's definitely not eating.
I understand .. just having weathered this myself .. this stomach bug. I had no appetite either for a couple of days .. but do have realization that I need to at least keep fluids going. And I did so. But I'm not 88 years old with a host of mobility issues that make it difficult for me to go to the bathroom, that makes it difficult for me to refill something to drink ...
SHE DOES HAVE THOSE PROBLEMS .. very much so.
BUT .. she's fine to live alone! Holy jeeze!!!!!!
Yea she's fine to live alone as long as her "team" .. of DH and Dorker will run the hamster wheel and prop it up.
Thus far, .. Dorker has backed way way off, that leaves DH, for the most part.
I asked him if he ck'd her bathroom, when he went there ... to see if she indeed did okay cleaning up her mess. He said he didn't. I didn't ask anything further, nor will I.
I can remember when I used to go over there a lot more frequently than I do these days .. yes .. one would find remnants of where there'd been some accidents .. and not a thorough clean up. And yes, I'd clean it .. and generally not say much .. just do it.
I don't know if she was having more bouts of diahrea than we were aware of .. or .. if the housekeeper wasn't doing a thorough enough job .. I don't know.
I suspect the bathroom at this point, if inspected, .. would be evident that there'd been not a real good job of cleaning it up.
But DH had already worked all day .. (all but recuperated really himself) .. and gone at the end of a long hot work day to run these errands and deliver said items then sit with her and hold her hand and coax her through eating and drinking .. and I dunno another couple of incidentals she had him do .. and he hadn't even eaten dinner himself at that point, and was tired. It wouldn't occur to him to go check the bathroom, that would be something I'd have to prompt him to go look at .. and I don't do so.
Interesting to me that SIL hasn't seen fit to get ahold of the housekeeper for a 2nd thorough bleaching of the home and any germs there.
And yes Rain .. the Pajamas are ironed by GOD .. just as the driveway is pristine clean from pressure washing from when she was here .. a driveway she doesn't even see .. just as the vein ablation that she just had to go back and forth for months .. to rid of those pesky edema issues (farce) turned out to be for naught ..
No, I won't be communicating with SIL anytime soon. In fact, I wish I could win a cruise or something for the duration that her visit will encompass here locally with her royal son and his family and I'd be gone and unaccounted for.
And yes, I do think it highly possible that if SIL gets wind (she will .. likely from her brother) .. or her mom will get wind .. likely from her son .. that we have plans to be out of town .. it will get thwarted by some catastrophe there that has to be attended to.
"He's a big boy .. he can choose to play or not .. will keep repeating that mantra."
Plus, he's a BOY. So he'll be much better at delegating than your typical girl. So he can delegate. Just not to you, not any more. You've more than done your share.
Chdottir is exactly right - you still attend the family function as planned.
Well, not exactly as planned. Take enough extra cloths and such to allow yourself an extended visit. Long enough for dh and sil to solve the issue - and hopefully come to some sort of resolution or plan.
This trip and MILs predictable need to be the center of dh’s universe could turn out to be a golden opportunity.
Just out of curiosity, does dh recognize on these occasions that he is being manipulated- does he see the pattern?
I don't even know that I see it as willfull and intentional .. "let me fall down and hurt myself so no one can leave me here". I don't think that's the case.
For me, .. what I see is someone so compromised she shouldn't be living alone .. she barely manages .. if at all .. and any little hiccup, the a/c goes out at her home (it's happened) .. she falls .. (it's happened) .. she gets ill ...(it's happened) .. renders her completely unable to be left alone.
She's that close to the teetering edge of existence .. shouldn't be left alone .. is MO.
Her son .. he doesn't at all see any of it as intentionally manipulative. He sees his mom .. in her younger years, vibrant .. didn't ask to be in this position .. so old she can barely make it .. and a mom that desperately wants to remain in her home, where she's happiest. And some of the time, .. as was the case yesterday, complete realization on his part, that she is fighting illness at the moment, and in need of x, y and z .. and can't go get it herself .. and so off he went, just matter of fact like, to handle it.
Some of the time .. it all gets to him, all the need .. the incessant, never ending need and he gets weary of it .. and wants her to go to his sister's .. if only for a while, .. to take that off of him.
I would say the latter of the two sentiments is usually more at play .. rather than the former.
He's not very patient with .. what is an old person .. and rambling on and on.
Yesterday being a fine example. He'd pulled up to the vet that MIL uses for her pet care .. and it suddenly dawned on him (and he was running out of time, they close at 5 PM) and it was almost 5. He'd pulled up there, to retrieve dog food ..and it suddenly dawned on him, that he hopes this is where he's supposed to be.
Good thing he did .. because that isn't where she gets the pet food, .. she gets it at another vet office. A different one, .. not far .. but a different one.
He called her, "Mom, I've pulled up to ABC Animal Care, is this where the pet food is?".
MIL: "No, no .. it's at .. XYZ Pet Care .. they are over on so and so road .. let me tell you (now the rambling starts, .. and remember he's out of time at this point) .. let me tell you how that all came about .. you know I used to go to the vet where the pet food is . but I don't go there anymore for pet care .. I go to ...".
He interrupted her, "Mom .. I've gotta go .. I've gotta get there, I've pulled in here to the wrong place, and it's almost 5 .. I've gotta go .. I've gotta get to that other vet's office .. I'm almost out of time here".
The rambling of an old person. Not a lot of patience for it.
Not dealing with someone who has any real awareness of time .. and constraints thereof.
That's about typical though .. she starts to ramble and amble and he either .. A) falls asleep .. or ...B) cuts it short and has to get on to the next thing.
But no, .. he doesn't at all, see any of it as "manipulation".
Used to, .. and I think still would were it the issue it used to be. MIL in need of something .. and we'd just been in touch with her, he or I .. just talked to her .. and then later SIL blowing up our phone .. with whatever MIL has now told SIL she needs .. and SIL then directing from afar. That used to send him into orbit .. as it does me.
SIL .. (doesn't seem like it at times) .. has .. actually .. some .. backed off of all the directives that used to fly in this direction .. (maybe that's because Dorker is not nearly as responsive as used to be the case, and she knows damn well her brother is really really really good at ignoring texts from her).
We will be in a place where there is no cell service. Our computers will also stay home because there are many thieves on the island especially monkey. You can take your eyes of anything.
"If you don't care for any of the aides be sure to call the agency and request a change.
If you choose to cancel this service I will be very annoyed because we have paid in advance for this service" "The other alternative if you would prefer would be to go to XYZ resort which specializes in elder care and have many activities and lovely treats like massages and facials. you would feel like a new women when you got home. Most of the other visitors will be professionals who will be very interesting to talk to' It is not like going to a nursing home for rehab. They will welcome little pooch too and even walk him for you."
"Think about it as we are not going to cancel this trip we need it too much for our own mental health" cc.SIL
I wonder how MIL "knows " she wouldn't be happy in an AL?
My mother was prepared to soldier through the winter at an Independent Living facikity when we told her it was too dangerous for her to stay alone during the sever North Eastern winter.
By the time spring came, she was enjoying herself and didn't want to go back to her home.
so many care givers whirling around. And there are good activities and friends there
for him. He over all likes it. Just bummed the best rooms at facility are small.
I know I personally wouldn't like it, but then again, I'm already thinking about a little
condo right in city or having a set up with live in care when the time comes. Wouldn't
want to burden my son with all of the endless drama caused from poor planning
and lack of community. :/ .
You have to realize what it is that I'm up against in it all.
MIL: Who firmly believes .. she does believe it .. thru and thru ... that she is capable of living on her own there, .. and "managing" okay. Don't bother looking behind the curtain at all it takes to prop it all up, because she certainly does not.
SIL: Who wants her mom to be happy, that's what she wants, in front of all of it ... in her waning days .. that she be happy. If being "happy" is born from being in her home .. where she wants to be, then by Golly we'll get the PJ's ironed and the driveway cleaned and any other superfluous stuff we can think of .. and direct Dorker (or try to) and DH to prop it up ..
DH: Someone who hasn't until recently been in the circus ring of it all, .. not by much measure. He had Dorker on the front to do that for a long long time. Oh sure, he'd hear about it, as the years waned on and need increased .. (kinda like a yammering wife that nags and nags, was probably about his perception). Ultimately Dorker backed out .. for the most part. In that time frame, his sister was here directing the circus for months, but she is now gone. See above, where I describe that he sometimes finds it a real PITA .. but also finds it a situation where he sees in his mom, the once young, vibrant soul she used to be, and that she doesn't want to be in this predicament .. and so he feel sorry for her and her plight.
Then you have me in all the mix. The one over here saying she really shouldn't be living alone .. she's far too compromised, needs too much support .... but my voice doesn't get any count in it all. Thus, I backed off, to one day a week, as to what I will do and be a part of in it all. That hasn't changed anything. From the respect that there has been this sudden light-bulb moment .. wherein everyone above suddenly sees .. "oh my this is all so not doable". Nope. Not at all.
I think part and parcel of all this is going to be getting DH off the sideline bench where there is firm indentation. He isn't involved .. and who knows if he ever will be, in the medical aspects of it all, and dx's and so forth. Never has been . He just goes and puts out fires, be that Mr. Fixit stuff .. or taking supplies, as he did the other day, .. and visiting a bit. Maybe once he has to become the stepper and fetcher in chief .. maybe .. (big maybe) .. then he will begin to see for himself what the propping up really means, and instead, he will see what I see ... someone too compromised and needy to be living alone, managing a home, and petcare.
Until then ... she is seen by her offspring thru the prism of pity and a want to keep her happy. She is seen by herself .. thru a prism of being able to manage.
All I can do is hope that the services she now supposedly qualifies for .. to the tune of 10/15 hours weekly .. that will somehow find that she have someone present coming and going, .. and that someone can be of service to some of it, .. and we can leave without worry, to go enjoy a family event on my end. If she doesn't send them packing, which is always a high probability.
If it's time to go and the world upends over there, and DH has to stay behind, I will go on without him as I've done the last few times my family has gathered and there has been a calamity of one sort or the other.
It's not what I want. If I could wave a magic wand at it all of it, ... DH would see what I see, what my eyes see .. and he would take a more proactive stance in it all, all the way from taking her keys from her .. to demand she not try to drive .. at all .. and through to, insisting ..getting to the table with his sister and insisting that other arrangements are made, .. and that the two of them would sit down and hash it thru and get on the same page .. and then go to their mom with their assertions .. and then back it up with action.
The above would take just that, a magic wand. It's not gonna happen.
They, both of the ilk, .. we don't know how long she has .. we just want her to be happy .. she's not gonna live forever (I sometimes doubt that, .. I think she may be immortal and this will go on for as long as civilization goes on). They don't want her waning days to be sad ones. That's in front of all of it .. if they were to make a pie chart, as to the needs/wants, etc .. happiness would be the largest sectioned piece, for all of them.
No, in order to put into motion any plan such as mentioned above .. I would have to get .. most importantly .. DH on that page. That's not gonna happen .. because he knows his mother would reject it out right .. "what?, .. you're gonna what ..???.... find some AL for me to stay at temporarily .. no .. I don't want any part of that, now I will be fine right here .. no .. I'm not going .. you can't make me do that, you know that I'm happiest right here, with my things and my house .. now I'm not doing that, no". He then would have the choice to say to her,"Well mother, my wife and myself .. we are going to this family function on her end of the family .. we've had the last few ones interrupted by your need .. and this one, we desperately need to go .. and so we are going, I wish you well, hope you don't have any need that can't be attended to, in our absence, the above is your choice, but we are going".
It would never get there. DH wouldn't even propose such a scenario, knowing the outcome. No, .. what you would see in DH is about like follows: Dorker that's not gonna happen .. all we can do is hope that mom doesn't fall off the rails here and we can go .. if she does .. if something happens and she can't be left alone, you go on and go .. and I'll stay here and do the best I can to manage with her .. she's not gonna live forever .. and I'm not gonna go fight with her about putting her somewhere that would make her safe, but miserable .. she's not gonna do it and I'm not gonna fight with her, .. we'll just hope she'll be okay for us to leave .. and if not, we'll deal with it.
That's about what you'd hear in proposing any of the above.
As I said, complete and utter dysfunction.
On another unrelated note, the confounded new alarm system. Just very telling. The other day (before the bottom fell out here, and I'd been in conversation with SIL) .. I'd related to her that the church lady and I had been discussing .. the fact that MIL had asked of me, did I know anything about the alarm system. That apparently MIL has been in touch with her, and asked if she'd view it and explain it to her, when she comes, and her hesitancy to do so, and that I'd assured her that no, she really doesn't have to do that, leave that to her son. Told SIL in this conversation that the new alarm system seems to really have her perplexed/stumped/flustered and that DH has explained it to her now about 7 or 8 times until he's completely frustrated with having to do so and that I told the church lady to not bother with it ..
Explained all of that to SIL.
SIL then saying to me, .. later that nite in a text, "Just talked to mom, she's going to bed, .. gonna set her alarm for the night .. sounds like she finally has it figured out".
I'd responded, "that's great .. I guess she worked at it enough she's got it now".
Fast forward to this weekend, DH over there to take supplies, and the story he reports when he comes back. A story that MIL has turned off the alarm system and regrets ever letting them come at all, wishes she'd of cancelled with them, which was her intent when all this began .. that she wasn't using it anymore, .. .but then they talked her into this new fangled system and she can't figure it out, she's just shut it off and not using it . it's too frustrating .. and that DH told her, "yes do that, just turn it off and don't look at it anymore, leave it alone". And that she is now paying the monthly fee (which she has been paying monthly .. but had not been utilizing it .. simply because of the placement of the keypad .. and letting the dog in and out, .. and it inconvenient for someone with her mobility issues) .. but now she is paying for a service to monitor an alarm system .. that she isn't even going to be able to make use of .. it's too complicated.
So which is it .. SIL reports she is now using it, has it figured out. DH reports that she has shut it off and not gonna even look at it anymore, .. too frustrating .. this after him having gone thru it all several times with her. So which is it? My guess is that she tells her daughter, from afar, what her daughter wants to hear .. rather than rangle with her daughter on the phone for hours and hours .. over all the finer points of whatever her daughter will rangle with and she will .. for hours .. she'd just tell her what she wants to hear .. as has been the case with so much . "yes I'm taking my Lasix .. yes I'm' taking my A-fib meds, yes I'm doing my PT ..".
Whatever. Dysfunction. Thru and thru
Does it matter?
Dorker, the *only* thing you have left to work on is not caring about what you can't change.
In these last months, you have gone from 0 to some of the best-positioned boundaries I have ever seen put in place. You have made your views clear, you are still giving meaningful input to a woman you care for, you have withdrawn from the chaos.
If MIL were to move to IL or to a local facility, everyone could stop worrying about her and getting involved in the dafter forms of tail-chasing, true.
But there is an alternative. You can choose to stop worrying about her, stop being responsible for what you don't agree with, let the chips fall where they may, and decline to get involved in the etc.
And *so* *can* *everyone* *else*. They are consenting adults. It's up to them.
MIL wants to die at home. What's everyone's better idea? That she die later in a facility instead?
If DH, SIL and MIL were as clear-eyed as our friend Dorker, MIL would have been on that waiting list a year ago and Medicaid application done.
But, as CM says, it's MIL's choice. She'd like to die at home and that will almost certainly come sooner than it would in a care facility.
The key here is for Dorker to "detach with love" and not let this bother her so much. I can relate.
My mil refused rehab and starved herself to death after open heart surgery and subsequent stroke. It was the waste of a perfectly good grandmother; but if her sons didn't want to force the issue, get her on antidepressant meds, work with the hospital, then who was I to butt in?
He'd been out there, and I guess her selling her poor plight that she doesn't want to go ..
That's when he'd come back here and was telling that, .. and in attendance, at that moment was myself, DD and her husband and of course DH. DD's husband chimed in, "she just wants to die right there in that house doesn't she?".
DH acknowledged, yes .. that's what she wants.
“...the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.” ~ Spock
“Or the one.” ~ Captain Kirk
~ Star Trek; The Wrath of Kahn