I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Dorker, someone might explain to DH, SIL and MIIL (especially MIL) that's it's a LOT easier to die in your own bed in a facility than it is at home.
MY MIL had this experience. Living alone with no help; sudden chest pain, called son who called 911; she was in great pain and said "yes" to being transported to ER. Aortic Aneurysm discovered, rushed into surgery that she NEVER would have agreed to had she not been knocked out with narcotic pain relievers.
In a facility, you can opt for palliative care and get comfort and attention. And when something bad happens, they will let you die in bed.
And you can tune in once a day or once a week, or once a year and nothing has really, truly changed. Maybe somebody was in a coma for a while, or somebody has a fight with the matriarch of the family--and now they're just exchanging hostile glances and plotting to steal the family fortune.....but in truth, the core of what runs the show isn't changed.
We all hope, scheme, add our 2 cents worth to change the plot here, but this soapie is being written, directed and starred by MIL and always will be, even after she dies---her presence will linger on. Hopefully not in the way of a spin off.
It befuddles me to no end that she can somehow ALWAYS get her own way, I can state clearly that not one person on earth is anywhere near as concerned about my well being and happiness as MIL's people are for her. My DH left this morning for a business trip and didn't even say goodbye to me. Nobody cares what I want, how I feel, if my needs are met or if I'd like something done for me. NOBODY. And I think I am not that unusual. People love me, I just don't have anyone fussing night and day for me. And that's fine. (I am also not asking!)
MIL will live in that house until she dies in that house. On her terms. Gotta admire the old gal for her manipulation.
Dorker--please get that vacay no matter what!!!!
And all that propping up behind the curtain can mean your own ill health, isolation,
poverty, and even demise. And you will be frequently scolded throughout that you're
not doing enough. While everyone lives on high alert waiting for the next shoe to drop.
And with the herculean efforts made on MIL's behalf she lives for decades while you
begin to wonder how much longer you have to live yourself because of the stress. And
then you stop caring about even that because it's all about her and you've become
a shell of a person, just hollowed out so your real purpose in life is to serve one person's needs.
What many of us fail to realize is that the all consuming levels of care given in a crises,
become a daily expectation for parent. And with these herculean efforts made on
their behalf daily, they can and do live for decades. I've heard families say, oh she
doesn't have long to live, we should really make her last days comfortable. And 10
years on, she continues. It amazes me how often this scenario plays out and how many
seniors wish their children would help them daily without even a thank you and often
with bitter complaints or criticism. And yet sweet as pie and "with it" to outsiders.
I would advise against ever trying to figure out how long someone has to base your own levels of care and funds. Seen so many with funds running out then paying out of pocket, getting so burnt out and sick, even care givers dying before their LO. All the while the senior rebuffs outside help just wants family and family friends. You have
to establish a sane and liveable level of care as soon as crisis passes and stick with it.
Manage expectations. Many functional families do this, the senior still lives a long
life (and would say happier more fulfilled life) , but the drain on funds and adult children's lives is kept to minimum as grandparent participates in their own care by being realistic and considering the needs of others. (obviously dementia does not apply with this)
Most people do not demand this type of "wait on me hand and foot" type of care or
cause this kind of drama. They plan for their care, downsize and move on to the
next phase of their life knowing they no longer can keep up with big homes and their
repairs. My dad still talks about living independently even though it's a pipe dream
And although he went into AL and then NH on doctors orders and only after years
of my own back breaking interventions to stay the tide, he still resents me for not doing
more :( . And I'm here trying to figure out how to avoid going on disability from the
damage caused to my back because of strain of transferring, dealing with incontinence
and all the hoarded stuff, and of course the drama he creates to avoid boredom
instead of creating relationship with grandchild or taking up hobby. Drama, scams,
get rich quick schemes. Hard to calculate all the hours I've lost getting him out of these
debacles alone :(
"I don't want to see another doctor! I can do fine here at home! I want to die right here in my house."
But when they get sick or fall and break something, the first words out of their mouths are "Don't you DARE let me die!"
How does one get to the point that their mind doesn't register that it takes a helluva lot to manage it all ... between petcare and care for her, .. and her house .. and yard ...
How does one justify in their own mind . ... the fact that all it takes to keep it all spinning .. is on others to do it, .. but that's okay.
As Bettina said .. at some point most folks downsize or something so that they don't then find themselves in a situation where they and their "things" aren't able to be managed by them .. but having to be "managed" by others.
How does that not register?
I know if I've heard MIL say it once, I've heard her say it a 1000 x's ... "I just hate this, .. I hate to ask anyone to help me, you don't know .. I so wish I could do these things myself", .. be that as to need for her pet .. her house .. her .. whatever it is. Mostly when she is saying these things, it's being said from the perspective of not wanting to have to ask outsiders ... so the awareness, it's there.
But I guess ... to her .. that "don't want to ask" is ONLY applicable to outsiders. Do elderly think that we all, offspring and spouses . that we all sit with our thumbs twiddling and baited breath waiting for the next need, and just cannot wait to hop to and meet need and more need. Do they actually think that? It seems that way at times.
As DH said, the other night when he went there, to take supplies to her, and then nursed her through drinking/eating some, visiting. I don't know what else he did there, a couple of things.
He and I both find it supremely annoying that .. you spend all this time there .. doing or whatever .. and then when it's time to say your g'byes .. she then pipes in with (almost as if your time .. is inconsequential .. time that you now need to be moving along .. is inconsequential) ... she's notorious for doing this. So now you are at the stage, having been there several hours, just visiting, but also having taken care of some things .. and then you finally say something akin to, "alright well I gotta get heading out now ...", . and she is notorious for saying this: "You know what you can do for me" (to add one more thing) .. emphasis on *you know what you can do for me* .. as if you'd just asked her ... and have sat longing for one more thing to do for her .. and now .. she's handed you the pleasure of being able to do one more thing .. it's just what you were waiting for, now you are satiated.
DH was leaving the other night, and the above .. as is always the case .. commenced.
He had already opened the door to the garage to go make his exit .. and she said the above .. "you know what you can do for me...........".
Turned out her mailbox .. therein another exception she has. Folks in her neighborhood retrieve their mail from a mailbox at the street. A few years ago, we got it worked out (medical exception because of disability) that her mail will be brought to a mailbox we affixed to the wall on her front porch (not what her neighbors enjoy). But that too, has now become too problematic, in that there is a step down, to get to that mailbox mounted on the wall. So .. SIL when she was last here, got a really cute little basket .. woven basket, that says USMail on it .. and hung that on the front door .. so that now, when she opens her front door, .. and it swings in .. she can just get her mail there, rather than taking that step down onto her front porch to get to it.
Turned out she wanted DH to go straighten that basket up .. it had gotten crooked. Not sure why she couldn't of done it, when she'd gone to retrieve her mail . it isn't nailed or screwed to the door, it's simply hung on a nail there .. with the hoop that is atop the woven basket that reads "USMail". But whatever.
He declined, "No mom, I'm leaving now", to which she said, in disgust but also kinda maybe realizing that she'd pushed the limit with him, "well CHIT". He then did turn around and go to the front door, open it, and adjust the crooked woven basket .. and then said his g'byes and left.
But that a small insignificant .. nothing of a thing to do. She is notorious, however, for the "just one more thing".
And how is that they don't see that .. the fact that all it takes to keep it all going .. is not at all on them to do it .. they can't, but it's somehow "ok" that offspring do it. Do they honestly think .. do they not have any recollection of memory at all that their offspring also have a home to care for, and a family of their own . and their own wishes for their time .. does that not dawn on them?
And I'm like Midkid .. I find it astonishing there is so much hullaballoo around what all she wants/needs ..
My life, .. while I am loved and I know it .. and I don't want for much .. in reality .. and I'm grateful for that ..
There certainly isn't anyone in my hemisphere sitting wringing their hands in the wish that I'd mett out some task that they need to attend to, not a single soul that is waiting in the wings in my life, .. "oh dear, what next can I do to make Dorker happier".
How do things get like this?
Kids like this grow up to be emotional cripples (sil), folks who break away all together (bil) or remain in deep, deep denial ( dh).
My mother was a master at the exact same thing.
And yes, she is saying your time is inconsequential. Her need or want is what’s important and she putting a cherry atop that little dish of a reminder. For the road.
Seriously? Adjust the crooked basket? She might as well have said “stand on one foot and hop three times”. Because she knows she can and because she knows he/they will.
The "One More Thing" (or in our case, "Can You Just...") issue may irk, but it needn't. Mind you, it bloody did irk when she ALWAYS started the sentence as I had one foot literally through the door and it was a dozen a day of them. UGH!
In this case, DH could do the OMT on his way out. So he did. Didn't take him a nanosecond.
If the one more thing had been... oh I don't know, something like: "that box of photos I've been meaning to sort out, it's up in the attic somewhere, near your father's old golf clubs, or was it under the Moses basket... can you just reach that down for me?" - then a sweet smile [thinks 'er, NO'] and "put it on the list for next time, Ma" will do the trick.
She says jump because that is what pops into her head. You do not say how high, no; but neither do you need to say f**k off.
My father wouldn’t allow my daughter or I to eat or use the restroom if you didn’t get nasty with him. He was always that way.
Your hubby can shout “I’m gone!” as he jumps in his car. I ignore a lot of what my dad says, because I’m willful. I’ve always been that way.
The attic .. would like DH to go up there and begin dragging down and sorting through "so you guys won't have to do it when I'm dead and gone". Nope. Same thing, drilled that request countless times, .. for the same reasons "so you guys won't have to when I'm gone". I remember DH saying to her, .. "not doing it mother, .. what difference does it make ...???.....do it now when you're here, do it later when you're not here .. not doing it, what do you need from up there, what is it you need?". Oh she couldn't think of anything (probably doesn't even really know what's up there in the attic) .. finally though .. that was refused/rejected and it hasn't happened, and it isn't going to ... and that too has been dropped.
Wants the garage made pristine. Her garage .. it has a wall along the side that has shelving .. all put there by her husband, for storing things .. (coolers, holiday decorations, etc.) .. and then there is a workbench complete with jars of every nut and bolt and screw and nail one can imagine they'd need, .. and some power tools .. and she wants all that hauled out of there. Shelving all removed .. and hauled away .. and all the "stuff" done away with .. and the jars and jars of nuts and bolts and so forth ... done away with, and the tools, power tools, and the work bench .. all of it, gone .. and the walls of the garage painted .. and it white and pristine in there.
That too, refused/rejected by DH. Nope, not doing it mother.
This because her brother in law, .. the one who moved to live with his daughter in TN . had the most pristine .. you could eat off the floor of his garage .. but he wasn't a Mr. Fixit ... DH is. DH needs those tools that are there, for fixing things .. the nuts and bolts and screws .. and such .. he needs all of it there, so he can "fix" things for her. This brother in law .. his garage was pristine and white and it looked like an extension of one's house. But this brother in law was one who would "hire" out whatever needed done .. be that hanging a picture, or changing light bulbs .. he didn't do a thing as to Mr. Fixit stuff. Thus, he didn't need to have a garage full of stuff to fix things.
DH has refused the above also. Good for him. That too hasn't been mentioned as a "want" in quite a while.
She wanted, forever, but it's been dropped, having gotten nowhere with it. This one, even SIL tried to push on .. and persuade DH to get on it, answer was no. She wanted her backyard sprigged with new grass ... somebody go out there and dig up weeds and dispose of them and buy trays and trays and trays and trays of sprigs and go plant them in her b'yard ..
Nope was the answer.
So there are things, .. if she could have them done by her offspring that appear to bow at her every whim .. she'd have them doing that also.
Oh well. It's another week and I do live with kind of a edge of my seat mentality of what's next. What calamity will next befall the whole thing. I hate that. Wish I could put it all on a shelf and walk away from it, as far as my own psyche.
I am going to spend time with a delightful little 4 yo grand daughter today and bring her here .. after we go to a trampoline park, and let her swim .. and spend the night here .. and enjoy her .. and don't anyone dare pierce that fun .. with "mother needs....if you would ..". I think I will blow a damn aorta.
We will see what this week holds.
I am trying to find just the right time to call MIL and not be stuck on the phone with her, as I'm aware she did change her appt for her dog grooming, to this week. Since, I was sick last week. Well that's fine .. I'll come get poochy and haul him to the groomer, but you can bet she will also have a "to do" list of things to go get at the grocery maybe or whatever. So, .. have that list ready .. so that while the dog is being groomed, I can go get the things you need, swing back by and get poochy, bring him and groceries .. and then do whatever incidentals there and then be on my way.
I DO NOT WISH to .. go take poochy and then sit and wait, twiddling my thumbs while that's being done ... and then take poochy home, now get the list of "go pick up for me" .. and then go do that, .. and then come back to her house, to do whatever incidentals. In other words, I'm not interested in spending all day in endeavors to prop all this up.
So I need to find the time to call her, .. and one would think .. yea just say that, and then say "gotta go bye". Doesn't work that way with her. Refer to prior note where I indicated how good DH is at redirecting her .. to not let her go off the rails and begin talking about stuff that isn't germane to what's being discussed .. he is a lot better at that than I am. I have to find the resolve here to call her, and let her know that's my expectation .. and that I will pick up her list when I come to get doggy .. and go get whatever she needs. And then finish the conversation and hang up .. not wanting to hang on the phone for 2 hours .. and she will do that .. if you let her. And I do .. I'm guilty of not being able to redirect her back to the issue at hand .. and then dispense with the call.
So you say, .. direct that to SIL to have her do in the hundreds of times they talk .. let SIL direct her to get that done. Nope. Talking to SIL will then give SIL carte blanche to think she can then put on my radar what SHE THINKS MIL needs/wants as to errands, etc. Not taking directive from her.
So that's what's on my radar as we speak, as I rush out to the grocery for a few things for here, stop back by and put them away .. and then on to the bank, and then on to pick up g'daughter.
Finding somewhere in all that to call MIL and get that info out there, .. but then dispense with the call.
Long Post ahead, fair warning.
Had a follow up to the wedding conversation to share with you my cybies (if the millenials can use besties, we gotta have something)! Dorker or anyone, maybe my *aha* moment can help you.
Please note my parents are both dead. My mom died 7 years ago. It still makes me cry to remember the hospital stay for the last 4 days and the decisions we had to make regarding rush 300 mile trip made in 4 hours while authorizing emergency surgery by phone as "my sister" for emergency visit to hospital while POA sister stuck on plane going to uncle's funeral in CA, stroke and subsequent coma after colonoscopy to find why Mom's abdomen blew up like a 9 months' pregnant person, 2 surgeries following perforated bowel after colonoscopy (procedure or her diverticulitis we'll never know), the Hail-Mary 24-7 dialysis, hallway prayer circles and uplift for medical staff in hall of ICU by Mom's Methodist minister who LOVED her, and last DNR decision when breathing failed again. I finally drilled down sitting with my hubs at lunch that I was trying to get him to plan because I KNEW how the final stretch looked sitting in the hospital and final arrangements later. That my hubs' parents have been the opposite - for decades, my husband's experience has been that his parents get sick and then they LIVE. Both of them have horrendous diagnosis, then recover and live impaired, but continue living with some support from each other. Hubs has the magical thinking that his family developed to support alcoholic father and narcissistic waif mother with constant health crises that says they will always LIVE. I was the one that had the parents that didn't. They went quickly, but having to face the fact that they died and dealing with final arrangements and estate meant that I have learned how to plan because you don't have time to make detailed plans in crisis. I have been the one that has planned for our house and family. He worked and provided the money, but his WORK has been HIS primary time grabber and at-home stuff was taken care of/organized by ME (sound familiar Dorker?). It was our agreement when we had a child that I would be the primary caregiver until he was old enough to have preschool and I'd return to work. Son was diagnosed as a high-functioning autistic - so I've been the primary caregiver, advocate and only worked part-time for TWO DECADES. A 2 hour conversation with state agency last week latest in at least monthly if not more such phone calls or in person meeting, daily conversations to help direct our son, provide emotional support and direction so that he can live "independently" with my sister and hopefully truly separate within the next 2 years with supervision. I KNOW WHAT MANAGING AN IMPAIRED PERSON REQUIRES FOR SUCCESS. And my son is not on the downward decline Dorker's MIL or my FIL/MIL are. I flat out told him that I watched him obsessively plan work stuff, follow up at all hours on materials delivery or staffing, and engage outside vendors, etc. when he could not get stuff done. I told him that he would NEVER expect to manage his facility on the fly or not plan for the next week's needs, much less the next year's. My Husband finally got copies of FIL and MIL wills, POA, HIPAA, Medical POA, and letter of intent to draw up Supplemental Needs Trust with FIL's money if he dies first for MIL on Medicaid. Hubs is listed FIRST on all documents (right after FIL) for MIL. He is listed FIRST on all documents for FIL, and MIL is not listed at all. His brother, my BIL, is listed AFTER hubs. Read it, dude. Unless you say no, there is a document right there that says YOU are responsible for making decisions for FIL if something happens at wedding and he's incapacitated. And you are responsible for taking care of MIL's needs as vulnerable person second in line if FIL goes down. What is your plan? Because it's on YOU. And I know FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE how hard those decisions were and how quickly they have to be made and second-guessing what you chose later with bad outcome because there are no good decisions left. I received the Big Eyed Bird stare. I told him I loved him and realized that I was trying to save him from the pain of having to make plans on the fly and second-guessing. That I was not going to be available with full time job starting June 25 to do any of those things for him. Asked him if he'd have been able to have the 2 hour conversation with state agency? Because in the future between Medicaid, Medicare, Nursing Home, and Lawyers to set up Trust, he was going to be doing it ALL for MIL/FIL. And he had NOTHING TO SAY. It's trying to save your husband from himself and yourself from having to be the one who fixes it. I am no longer fixing it. Once I'm working full time, I will only have time to keep helping son. If it blows up with MIL and FIL and his job suffers because I don't support his focus on job only 24/7 and husband has to handle the parent stuff HE agreed to, I can support myself with my job. It'll hurt, but I can do it. Dorker, you have made yourself dependent on your husband and you do all things family as your contribution. Maybe you need to re-think it or else DH will continue to expect your contribution to include MIL. Said with love and understanding as another person who gave up most of an outside career to make homestead work.
O blimey, I read the whole th I n g!
I didn't know the 4 friends, I only know the young man from our church who is friends with those who are now deceased. These are all driven, goal-oriented, bright, ambitious young people, college kids. Just devastating.
Life can be so short, for some .. they didn't even get a chance to live their lives.
"You have to groom your children to fear your wrath, to value your happiness over theirs and withhold your love unless they are doing things " your way".
PREACH!!
I dont think many people get up and leave their homes in the mornings expecting it to be for the last time.
Yet it happens everyday- often without any rhyme or reason.
So, it was with this thought in mind that finally - five years into my six year joy ride through caregiving for my elderly parents - and later parent with dementia that I finally established a few boundaries.
I asked myself one day- if I were to die tomorrow, how would I clock my last five years? How would I feel about how I lived my life - cared for Rainman and showed my love for my husband? The answers I came up with were pretty dismal and lacking.
From that day forward I began to make some changes. It wasn’t easy. And in fact - almost two years after my mother passed, my father having preceded her four years earlier- I am still struggling to break free from living a life focused on expecting a crisis - waiting for the other shoe to drop, doing “just one more thing...”
”If I only knew then what I know now”, right? However, as to not count those five years as a total write off, I try to consider all I learned during that time - what end game I walked away with...
And that is: Life spins on a dime. You don’t get time back - there are
no Mulligans in life. Make the most of everyday. And, be thankful when you walk back into your home each night.
I think a lot of us (me being one) live our lives waiting for the next crisis--the other shoe to drop....it's not healthy thinking, I know.
Such a random thing, life is. Why young people are taken, and angry, miserable old people well past "enjoying" any aspect of life linger on and on and on. I'm never going to make sense of that.
I don't think that's really applicable (easy for me to say, haven't lived it) in the case of the very elderly and infirm. In their case, I think you do have a realization that it may be the last time you see them alive, .. a very keen awareness of that. But with young folks, no .. you don't really think that way.
On another note: Sitting kinda on "go" .. in case. Had the 4 yo .. til just a bit ago .. all of yesterday and spent the night and into the day today. DD, 4 yo's mom ... not feeling well. Waiting ... is she catching what was passed around here? Don't know, might be.
4 yo wanted to go home, and mommy to 4 yo wanted her to come on home (mommy to 4 yo isn't real sure .. she just thinks she feels a bit off .. she's not sure if she's getting sick). So took her home, hung around some to help with twin babies .. and kinda play the waiting game, to see if DD is really gonna take nose-dive .. into the abyss of this stomach bug. Will need to help on that front if that's the case.
And .. it does give me a bit of trepidation on the visit scheduled for this Thursday .. for MIL. Gee, .. taking care of sickie DD .. can't come take poochy for grooming again, .. sorry (not sorry).
This is life!
Speaking of (above) .. waiting for the next shoe to drop at all times. Helluva way to live.
Could be a lot lot worse though. There are some parents of some bright young people that are absolutely devastated and would, I'm sure, .. give anything to have their kids back .. anything.
If MIL is going to live "in the community" then she is going to be exposed to ALL KINDS of germs. While you wouldn't go visit her if you were actively ill (as you were last week), stopping your visits because you "might" have been near a family member or stranger that "might be coming down with something" is basically crazy, imho.
If MIL's immune system is that compromised, then she needs full time nursing care so that she has constant medical surveillance.
And therein lies the whole, limit contact with SIL .. if any.
The above issue .. you land square in it all, .. just by merely conversational talking, that's all.
Might be just talking with her, about her son's upcoming visit this way .. and what all she's been doing in prep for their visit. She might ask, did we all get well from our illness and I confirm we're fine now. She might ask, .. did any of the rest of our brood catch it. I casually mention, "yea, seems like DD has it now, was over there to help her with the babies for a little while, and had the 4 yo .. had spent some time enjoying her, and then when I took her home, I stayed around and helped out with the babies, DD not feeling well".
That's it, you've stepped in it now. SIL's OCD now firing off. "Oh my .. might not better get around mother .. you know .. she gets sick so fast, .. and goes downhill so easily".
And there ya are.
Limit contact with her.
And yes I've said that kinda thing to SIL in the past: "Seriously?!?!?? If shes' that compromised, she should be living where she can have supervised care, germs are everywhere .. if she's gonna live on her own .. I would presume she has the ability to take care of herself ... and manage .. since .. living alone .. and not in a supported setting with medical supervision .. she's gonna get exposure to germs .. albeit through just being out and about".
That gets met with: "Well she really is just kinda isolated, .. she doesn't really get out and about .. I mean .. maybe a neighbor stops by .. or the MOW drivers .. of course, or the housekeeper .. or the church lady .. or you guys ... but ... she really doesn't get out and go anywhere, she's pretty much a shut in".
Agreed .. she is a shut in. But back to the original point .. she is "mixing" with others, when those "others" come to see her, .. if you're gonna be that over-the-top concerned about exposure to germs .. then she needs to be in a more supported setting where she can have medical care.
That gets met with: "oh yea, I know .. she's just so stubborn .. what are ya gonna do".
Do you see, how it all just goes round and round and round. That's why it's my automatic assumption to just say out of the gate, "better I not go around MIL".
Fortunately in this instance, it didn't turn out that DD was taking a cliff-dive into sickness .. she does seem better this evening, thankfully. So the above is all mute.
THIS TIME.
The only answer is to limit contact with her. Seriously. I won't just cut her off entirely .. but I can be pretty damned obtuse if I need to be, and I will.
No wait - bad idea! You’d be the one sent to fetch, tote back and then inflate...
Dorker, fortunately you are blessed with a level of common sense and a sense of proportion that SIL, the dear, seems to have missed out on. If you believe you might be an infection risk, you will not go and breathe all over a little old lady. If you don't - and all my best thoughts to DD that she hasn't got this bug because being ill when you have a houseful of little kids is about as unfunny as it gets, as I well remember - you will proceed as normal.
Sigh. My beloved SIL, the sweet and lovely one, is also a bit of a "stream of consciousness" merchant when she gets on the 'phone and has a free evening. "I have a terrible stomach ache. Do you think I should get a colonoscopy?" "No, I think you want to lay off the prawn curries from that slightly worrying delivery service."
Wringing her hands aloud is SIL's substitute for being able to *do* anything about her mother. I know you must long to sleep when she gets going, but try to let it bounce off you.
Yup.
Even MIL talks of the over-the-top from SIL. I liken it to a spinning top toy that has been spun and is now spinning around and bumping into walls in every direction. Only a spinning top will run out of spin and stop, eventually. She doesn't.
MIL gets sick of it. Rightfully so. Typical of SIL ... if MIL just happens to mention in passing in one of their several phone calls between the two daily .. if she just merely mentions .. "hmm .. there's been a car parked out there on the curb .. and I don't know .. can't imagine who it must belong to".
SIL will now be on it ... "well do you think it's someone visiting a neighbor, should I call "x" neighbor and ask them, wonder if you should call law enforcement and have them come check, do you think someone broke down and maybe had to leave their car there, .. I hope they don't come to your door .. mother if someone comes to your door, now you know not to answer it, if you don't know them, don't open the door, you know that, right? Wonder if I should ask flighty C to go check .. wonder if neighbor "K" knows anything about it .... maybe I should call them .."
If MIL just happens to mention in one of their several phone calls between the two daily ... "ya know that bird feeder is empty out there, .. I sure wish I could get out there to it, to refill it".
She's off to the races, "Now mother you know you can't get out there, .. you can't go out there, you'll fall, now promise me that you won't do that, I don't want you to go out there .. call H ... call Dorker, one of them can go take care of it when they come .. just don't try to go out there .. now you won't do that will you? Promise me you won't do that".
Then she's on the horn with one of us ... like we have sat twiddling our thumbs .. and just waiting and longing here for what we might do next, and aha .. there it is, now I can go and fulfill my life's work and run at the drop of a hat .. to meet this need, post haste.
It's that way about e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g!
I remember talking to my mom on some of it, .. she knows ... she's seen it, she's been a part of my life enough to see the goings on. And she's seen .. the years of dropping to run in that direction to meet need. And the frustrations ..
She said at one point (wise of her) .. "if SIL wants her taken care of in that manner, then I say she figure out how to move here and do it, otherwise .. she needs to get out of your azz".
Here here!
If MIL just happens to mention she's got some malady as to her well being .. I dunno .. maybe she's too gassy all of a sudden, something simple/stupid. SIL is off to the races, maybe she needs an endoscopy maybe we need to call the doc and have her seen .. does it hurt .. is all this gas causing pain .. maybe she needs to take something, but does anything that's OTC .. does it work ... will it conflict with what she takes that's rx'd .. maybe we should ask the pharmacist ...
It's just all so beyond ridiculous.
No SIL, she needs to get up and move about some .. within the limits of what her ability is to do so .. and fart some, she'll be fine!
That's about how it goes!
Just need to limit contact with her, as I watch DH do. And do so quite without remorse of any sort. He just doesn't interact with her very well. He just ignores her for the most part. Vents to me about her, .. but .. doesn't engage.
Will be easy for the next little while, as her royalty son and his family arrive for their month long visit (part of which will be spent here in town) .. but when they are here, they are her sole focus .. and .. in fact, .. it's almost ironic ......
The over-the-top described above .. is what you see routinely with her .. it's her normal .. it's how daily life goes .. with her as a part of the scene.
However, fast forward to when her son and family visit (which, granted, seems to only be 1 or 2 x's in a year) ... and she is ........ I'm not kidding .... all but in a bubble herself, so consumed with the scene in front of her, likely running the hamster wheel that is all things her son and family ... she is SO out of touch when those times come upon us, her son's visit. I think her mom could be coughing up blood and she wouldn't know it, the phone calls .. the several per day .. they do occur .. but they aren't lingering on the phone .. it's a quick .. "are you okay", and then dispensed with .. no lingering and malingering on the phone for forever, to discuss the finer points of whether she burped or farted and what time, and at what frequency .. no .. it's just a quick "are you okay", and then dispensed with.
When MIL laments her daughter's over-the-top OCD with all finer points and more .. and MIL does .. I have said to her, countless times .. "she needs to be on some kinda strong tranquilizer" and the other thing I've said, as evidenced by the fact, she can back away and focus elsewhere, "she needs to get a damn life ...".
That is the truth. She needs to get a damn life .. and live it, outside of trying to micro-manage her mom from afar.
Yes, I do think that I am blessed with a more "centered" approach (as is DH I think) to it all. Very much so. MIL has commented countless times, of her appreciation for the fact that DH and myself both .. let her live her life .. and aren't there at every turn .. to do for her, .. and manage everything she tries to do and say and be. It's very true. We don't.
Problem with that has been .. but it's getting better .. and I do work to remember that .. there was a time, my being the chief stepper and fetcher .. local to it all ... taking direction from afar .. on all points .. minor and more. The frustrations experienced in that, .. as one would step n fetch to the beat of a drum like none other ... directed from afar, some of it absolutely over-the-top ridiculous ... but yet ... I am not blood relation here .. and it became obvious I have no say-so .. and she is a chief arm twister.
That has gotten much better. She now knows where I stand on most things step n fetch .. and so she knows not to look in my direction .. mostly.
I think of the last time when she left here, beginning of April. Up to that point, almost before she left .. MIL had been receiving PT in home. The PT personnel at that point released her to go to outpatient PT at the facility .. so SIL was facilitating getting her to and fro. This occurred for a period of about two weeks, before SIL was to get on the plane and depart. PT not having run it's course at that point.
SIL now lamenting how will her mom get back and forth for 3 x's weekly PT.
If SIL could've had it her way, Dorker would've stepped to the beat of that drum and more. And hauled MIL 3 x's weekly for PT .. as well as all other incidentals along the way.
By that point, Dorker had made it known that she is no longer chief stepper n fetcher local here. Dorker suggested that perhaps some of that "team" could help put it all together .. Dorker suggested that the local transit authority, they run buses for folks who struggle with mobility to attend to such things, Dorker suggested GoGoGrandparent .. Uber, .. any number of suggestions.
This was all met with, by SIL .. "she won't do it .. she doesn't feel comfortable riding with a stranger .. to do the GoGoGrandparent thing". She doesn't want to do that city transit authority bus thing .. that shared ride thing .. she just thinks it's really too cumbersome to have to call them to schedule and then call them and wait for them when she's ready to go home .. it really is kinda not a very user-friendly service it seems". "She doesn't really want to bother neighbors and stuff .. she just doesn't wanna do that".
No, but if Dorker would've stepped to that beat .. she'd of been all about it. But I wouldn't do it.
Thus, the PT .. never got on the radar.
Yes, hard .. because I don't dispute that PT at the facility would've been helpful . perhaps. But I'm not willing to commit to 3 days a week, along with all the other need .. and step to that need. No longer willing to put myself in that place. I remember telling myself, ... in order to not feel too bad (guilty) that she needs PT ..but .. how to get her to it .. and geeze ... am I being too much of a hardazz here .. I remember assuring myself, .. this is not my mom .. if she is okay to return to her home and resume her life .. and leave with that need not met, then I certainly can be more than assured, it's okay for me to do so, she's not my mother. Not only that, .. assuring myself, so as to not feel too bad .. she does have some options. If it's that important to her .. and it should be, .. she should be the one vested in seeing to it, ... to improve her state ... she has options .. none of which, for varying reasons, suit her. That doesn't then make it incumbent upon me to step to that need. She can avail herself of those options .. or she can refuse them, her life.
So .. it's when I remember things like above, that I do realize that SIL and all her over-the-top OCD ... and all of it being flung at me, at one time .. things have gotten better.
SIL has had to, I don't know, come to some realization herself, she's been forced to I suppose, .. that .. to some degree .. things aren't going to be, with her mom, as she'd wish it to be ...
She's free to hire a private car service for all I care, to make it happen. She didn't see fit to do so. She's free to try to force her mom's hand to get her to go to IL ... and there in that setting, hop in the car 3 x's weekly to get her to PT on site. She hasn't seen fit to do so, not thus far. So, if she's okay with her mom not having every "i" dotted and, every "t" crossed. I certainly can be also.
Most people develop an immunity, and don't get sick the 2nd time around. They may feel a little "off" but don't get full blown down-in-bed sick for days on end.
Also never mention to either of these women how filthy the actual world is. Shopping cart handles, car doors, the cans of food you buy, your MAIL, your own front door...ugh goes on forever, literally.
You simply cannot live a life in fear of catching something. Well, yes I guess you CAN, and in the elderly--wow, my mom will get a tummy bug and be sick for a month. BUT she rarely goes anywhere, her basic health is very poor and she has no resistance to anything. Too many years of antibiotics has ruined her gut. At 88, she complains about her stomach problems, but aside from putting her on a strong antacid, her dr will do nothing at this point. It's more dangerous to go spelunking in an elderly person's bowels than actual spelunking.
I think MIL's narcissism fits SIL's OCD perfectly--it's like a hand in a glove. I don't think this is "love" at all- it's a sick twisted dynamic they have both worked on for many years. Now it's at its all time high--SIL on the phone 5-10 times a day and MIL complaining and fussing, simply b/c on some level , she knows she's going to get attention, good or bad from the rest of her family. Even being ignored is attention--it's LACK of attention she can now relay to others in her poor-pitiful me way. I think MIL has trained her circus monkey very well.
I USED to be a monkey, hopping to and fro for mother, but have recently stepped away about 99%. Finally figured out this is all about HER and not about ME at all. When I would bust my hump trying to "help" or "fix" she was talking about me behind my back, complaining that was I was fussbudget and driving her crazy.
No more.
Not even one half day a week.
You're a better person than I am, Dorker, I am walking away completely.
And remember, SHE IS CHOOSING this life. Period. She has options. She chooses not to make any changes and so the same thing will happen over and over.
You can choose to do nothing to fix a problem but you cannot CHOOSE the outcome.
As always--just hugs to you in your situation, that seems to be sliding slowly, inexorably downhill. Just don't slide with it.
is H U G E!
I didn't even sign on for 1 of the 3 x's weekly, for that very reason. I knew that to do so, would then put me on the slippery slope of the other 2 x's and how they get spoken to, and not to mention the incidentals of need in that 1 x weekly, then the other incidentals that crop up throughout the week.
The very reason I presented alternatives to answer to it, none suitable .. her choice. She doesn't have enough vested interest in stepping outside her comfort zone to attain transport to and fro, .. then I certainly am not going to be more vested in it than she. Nor her offspring.
I'm proud to say I saw that coming like a 20 ton freight train and side stepped right out of the way and have remained there.
I hate it for her. PT would've most certainly been beneficial for her and her state. But ... it's up to her, whether she wants to choose an avenue in which to obtain that service. She chose not to, ... so be it. Just as she chooses .. dug in firmly, in her home .. though it's my opinion .. that's not safe. Her choice.
I had the twin babies all day yesterday so DD could spend some quality mommy time with the 4 yo, who is now out of school for the summer. And yesterday, of all things, YD came in from work, sick sick sick. Throwing up.
Great!
I had gotten a text from SIL yesterday (why does she do that?, why not let MIL handle what is MIL's concern). Text read: "Hey hope you're feeling better finally ... are you planning to go to mom's tomorrow morning to pick up poochy for his grooming appointment, if you're not feeling well, she an cancel the appointment".
This text came in while I was out dashing around to run a few quick errands before taking on baby care for the day.
I don't text and drive. So what I did was call MIL, .. was going to let her know that yes,, it's on my radar (this was before YD came in sick as a dog).
But of course, I call MIL and it rings into infinity. As I've said before, that's indication she is on the phone.
I knew that by the time I got back from my errands, I'd be up to my eyeballs in 2 twins .. and twins that are busy busy busy and everywhere, and getting on the phone to text, or talk, is not in the cards for me, when I'm caring for those busy babies.
So when I got to a stoplight, I did answer SIL
(had pizzed me off .. doesn't take much with me tho) ... that she is triangulating an issue that isn't even her's to address. If MIL is concerned whether Dorker is coming, MIL can call...if SIL is concerned whether Dorker is coming, then SIL can go get a damn life and quit worrying others with what isn't her's to worry with.
I answered the text, when I got to a stopping point (which I really didn't have time to do, I knew before I left to run a quick few errands that DD was on her way to drop off babies and then she and 4 yo, off and going for the day to go have fun).
Answered SIL: "just tried to call mil, of course, it rings into infinity and she doesn't answer the phone .. I don't have time to camp out on the phone ... to keep trying to reach her, I have the babies for the day and will be busy, yes, I am going to take poochy for grooming, if you could .. plz tell her to have any list ready that she needs as to whatever from the grocery so I can go handle that, while poochy is being groomed".
Get a return text from her: "It's me she's on the phone with .. you know, she doesn't click over if she's on the phone, I'll pass word to her, to get a list ready".
I get done with dashing about, and get back here, and have two little twins hanging on my legs wanting to be picked up and get another text.
"I did pass along word to mom about the grocery list, hopefully she'll get that done ... oh wanted to mention to you, I reminded her to get out poochy's special shampoo that goes with him ... and make sure when you go get poochy that they give it back to you, I've forgotten it before ..and had to go back and get it".
I didn't answer her, at all. Way too busy with babies.
Later ........ YD came in sick .. and went straight to bed.
The babies were napping.
I picked up the phone to return text, to SIL only to say to her, that I will make sure with the shampoo. But then (kind of because it irks me that she can be so overly OCD and cautious when it comes to illness, and exposure with her mom .. and has begged off .. more than once, .. being in this corner .. for fear that we'd get MIL sick .. having been exposed via the kids) .. that irks the chit out of me, how OCD she is about it.
But I also know that MIL is chomping at the bit at this point, having missed my visit last week .. and of course,, this supposed team she has .. nowhere in sight ....
So I did say to SIL (only because it irks me) . "oh just an FYI ... will be talking to MIL and leave it in her corner, but YD has come in from work, and now has this stomach bug .. she's vomited several times .. not sure if MIL will want me in her proximity, but I'll be talking to her".
Was just waiting for her to say, "oh dear .. oh my .. well I don't think you should go".
ESPECIALLY since I've seen them beg off being in our presence, more than once, for lesser reasons (a sick g'child that doesn't even live her in our presence). Was just WAITING for her to say that, and was gonna pounce on the "oh well, I know I didn't get there last week either, .. I guess some of that "team" will maybe be able to step up".
Was gonna go there.
But the answer I got was: "oh man, you guys .. is everybody in the city sick ...???.....I hate it for YD .. I hope she feels better soon. I know that mom is really really wanting to get her dog groomed, .. and she needs some things from the grocery store, .. so I'll just leave it up to you guys, talk to her and see what her thoughts are".
Confirmed I'd be doing so.
Later when I got a chance ....... I did call MIL and present the above dilemma. Her answer: "Oh I don't care, .. I mean as long as we aren't over here drinking after one another or kissing .. I think it'll be alright. That daughter of mine might have other ideas .. but .. to me, it's whatever ...".
Found her making herself some home made jello (and completely frazzled and befuddled and worn out .. and she expressed same .. as to what it takes to travel around the kitchen to make home made jello). Asked her if she's still sick (she'd had a touch of diahrea herself) .. she said that she just hasn't had any appetite. Asked her why she doesn't eat the ready-made ones that can be bought from the store. Says they are too rubbery .. doesn't like the texture.
Told DH the above, as to having found his mom making jello when I called (an indication she might be still sick) .. DH's response: "yea, ,but if sister was here, and cooking a full on meal, she'd be right there to eat it".
Later got a text from SIL, last night (I take this, my perception .. it's one more of her OCD nature, ,reminders .. to me .. to wipe my nose and mind my p's and q's .. as you'd do a child . and it irks me) .. "Just got off the phone with MIL ... reminded her again to give you the shampoo for poochy ... and to remind you to get it when you retrieve poochy".
I responded, "you told me that earlier".
No further response.
I don't need repeated reminders .. and if you think us on this end, so incompetent that we do need said reminders, .. maybe you need to find a way to be here to mind it all yourself.
On my way out there now.
Will report back on the "as the stomach turns" soap opera .. later.