I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
I actually look at my phone very little, and HATE HATE HATE texting, it's so terse and I've had too many mis-represented communications with them, I simply don't unless there's absolutely no other way.
And people know this about me and respect me enough to know even if they text, they better follow up with a phone call or I'm not necessarily on board.
Love of heaven. Making jello is exhausting?
Well--have a lovely and DO NOT FORGET THAT SPECIAL SHAMPOO b/c if there ever was a 1st world problem--that would be it.
You must tell us if the bathroom is clean after her bouts of diarrhea. I know you won't clean it for her, right?
The bathroom, I don't know, I guess the housekeeper must've come yesterday .. no evidence of need for cleaning.
And yes, I did remember the shampoo for poochy, coming and going both!
The dog has some .. oh I don't know .. some kinda issue with one of his front paws, licking it incessantly. She'd wanted them to take a look at that issue, and had written this note ... for me to hand carry with poochy, explaining that, but also explaining that he is a 12 yo dog with hip issues and so please don't make him stand for a long time .. he isn't able to do it ... and to please see if they can view what might be going on with the right front paw, licks it non-stop .. and that he's such a sweet sweet dog .. that she's had him since he was 5 months old .. and he's her "best friend". (Yes she used that terminology in the hand-written note to be carried to the groomer).
I suspect we haven't heard the last of this "irritation" on the dog's right front paw. The groomer, when I picked Poochy up .. said she'd looked at it, and can see it is irritated but doesn't know the origin .. and that the nail .. toe nail .. had been rubbing against it, .. and that she hopes trimming those nails has alleviated it, but if not .. he'd need to be checked by the vet, she isn't a vet.
The worst part of all the above was the fact the appt was for 9:30 AM .. and so I took him in and much to my surprise, .. "he will be ready sometime this afternoon".
Me: Huh?, .. hours ..???...you mean .. I can't just come back in 20 minutes?
No, there are a few other dogs ahead of him . and since he can't stand for long periods, that means that when they do work on him, they will have to give him frequent rests, will make it take longer .. so .. yes .. sometime in the afternoon, "we'll call you".
SIGH
I was all set to finish with what I was doing for MIL, head on home .. and then when Poochy is ready .. head back over, and pick Poochy up and deliver him.
But, as it turned out, .. I dropped Poochy off .. and then ran to the grocery for her, what a list .. quite a bit more than is normal for her (her lists are usually not very long, usually ARE very precise as to brand and size but not long lists). Quite a long list this time. Yes, inclusive of your normal regular .. make some jello from boiled water, .. home made .. boxed jello. I asked her again, "what's wrong with the ready made, .. it's tough for you to do this home made stuff, .. trying to struggle to get around in your kitchen". She says it's too rubbery .. not like home-made.
I guess if I were kinder I'd of come in the door, and set a pot of water to boil and mixed some up for her, .. some new jello. But as it turned out, side tracked.
Put away all her groceries for her. And then she wanted me to (I feel as though maybe I should get on this) .. she wanted me to take a look at her Living Will. Looked at it, .. (signed and notarized in 2003). Don't like the wording of it, at all, it's too twisting and .. I could just see an EMT trying to make sense of it all, it's kinda ridiculous.
Wanted to talk some on that topic .. that it's been weighing on her, .. that she'd always thought .. of her 3 kids .. that the most "sensible" one .. as to making any kinda EOL decisions would be her son . the oldest son (the estranged one). She's probably right, ,he probably would've been best suited for that .. but ... as I told her, "he'd of been up against your pie in the sky other son (my DH) .. and your daughter who thinks there's always a pot of gold at the end of every rainbow, that would've been what he'd of contended with . in trying to make any choices on your behalf".
She pondered that a moment, and agreed that I was probably right. Wanted to talk about .. her greatest fear .. that she doesn't end up in some vegetative state in some hospital with wires and tubes coming out of every crevice .. in the false hope there will be some miracle that will restore her life .. when .. in reality .. that hope is dashed .. and no one to make that "call".
She talked of a family member that we can all refer to. Had been found in the driveway of their home unresponsive ... turned out to have been a massive stroke. One that left him, literally ... in every sense of the word .. paralyzed and bed ridden and he didn't know who he was anymore, or where he was .. but lay there he did, bed ridden for the next 6 years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That she doesn't want to end up in that state or anything close to it. Had me look at this Living Will ... and it's so convoluted in it's wording . I told her that needs to be replaced .. for certain .. for one thing, it's 15 years old, who knows if that's even going to be honored at this point. Asked her if her daughter has a Medical POA .. and she doesn't know (I hesitate to ask her daughter, only because talking to her daughter, ,something I'm trying to avoid with a 10 foot pole .. usually winds up in me very frustrated for one reason or another).
I'm not sure how she can "not know" if her daughter has a Med POA. How can you not know that?
I told her she needs one, so that someone can advocate on her behalf ... in the event she is rendered unable to do so.
She wanted to know, my thoughts .. how does she get her son (DH) and her daughter on that page, and make them understand her wishes.
I told her, "well you asked me, so my advice, .. get them both to the table AT THE SAME TIME ..................No ifs ands or buts about it, AT THE SAME TIME ............. because you don't want one making a decision that the other knows damn well would've not been what you wanted ... so have them both at the table, at the same time, but at the very least this document needs to be updated and one that is clearer .. and not so convoluted needs to replace it, .. but it may be that you need a Medical POA rather than this Living Will".
She asked me how do I know that .. and how to know which one ..
That I can't answer.
Anyone here?
I almost got the sense that (it's not there yet and it may never be) that she maybe considers me as someone who has a level enough head to make these kinds of calls .. vs her son and her daughter. I don't want that responsibility unless she arrives at that juncture herself, and there is a true sit down pow wow .. with all parties involved and me present .. I don't wanna be put in any positon where it looks like, I'm making any kind of call like that, .. and it not be made ABUNDANTLY clear .. beyond any doubt .. that she wanted me in those shoes. Make me the POA? I dunno ............
It certainly is not there .. not yet .. and it may never be, and that's okay too.
She talked of, .. referring to the relative above that ended up bed ridden for six years .. she said the following: "Ya know, .. if he'd of had his druthers .. he'd of told them to let him go .. don't save his life .. he wouldn't of wanted to live in that state and I don't either, .. and not to mention ... that all costs loads of money .. money I don't have ...and ya know, .. with family .. ya know, sometimes they let their emotions cloud their judgement .. and my son (DH she is referring to) .. he runs on being guilty all the time, he's always feeling guilty about something .. that's him .. that's how he is .. and I don't want him to do anything on my behalf out of "guilt" . to save my life .. not if it's gonna mean I would be bed ridden and no hope of any recovery .. and that daughter of mine .. she's always .. there's one more pill, one more procedure, one more this or that, and the miracle cure is right around the corner .. I just don't know ... I mean how do I get these two on the same page here".
Told her again, "need to sit the both of them down, at the same time ..no exceptions".
She said (and she's right) .. ".......... and try to get them to be serious and not be funny" (she's right, they are .. both DH and his sister .. in spite of what is said here about them .. and all true, they both are very witty and comical .. their brother was even more so .. and she's right, trying to get them to be serious .. is an endeavor .. it truly is).
I said, "well if you want to do that, .. sit the both of them down, if you think it will help, I will certainly be a part of that, to keep them both on track ...".
She never answered, and I didn't push on it.
Didn't answer .. more from the respect of .. just .. so much to talk about, .. and side tracked, not from the respect of she wants me nowhere near it.
The above dialogue got side tracked by her wanting me to review her check received on her pet insurance claim. I told her I don't know a lot about it, but did take a look at it for her and all appeared to be in order, as to what they reimbursed and didn't. As best I could tell, not really being in the know on such things.
Then, side tracked further, by a surprise visit by our pastor. Our new pastor at our church, aware of her and her plight of course .. has been wanting to get with us at some point, to go meet DH's mom .. but we haven't been able to get it on the radar yet.
I noticed he'd called at some point, saw it on my phone .. while I was there but I didn't bother returning his phone call, busy otherwise with other things .. didn't completely and thoroughly view his message he left. Had I read it, I'd of seen .. he is wanting to come out for a visit .. while I'm there (knows I go there on Thursdays) .. and if I would give him a call back. Having not thoroughly .. only glanced at the message .. I didn't see that.
Suddenly the pastor and his wife were there. It was fine. They are great folks .. wonderful to talk to. And so they'd come to meet her, .. finally. And so we visited with them for a little while.
Then time to go get Poochy .. and I did that, after sweeping off her deck outside (how do the trees in her yard have any leaves at all left on them .. they are all on the deck outside it seems, not in the trees). And then emptying out some of the standing water in flower pots out back .. 12 of them, from rain we've had.
And retrieved Poochy AND his shampoo that is so important and brought him back to her, and left.
And that about sums it up.
As to the whole POA and Living Will thing .. maybe you folks can provide some guidance.
Once again, I fear, we are back at ground zero where nothing gets done.
When I next see her, I will try to encourage that she get on that page .. and seek out the atty that handled the Living Will she presently has (a crumbled up/dog eared, scratched through and marked up in ink .. document). Maybe if she'll get in touch with that atty again and have the papers drawn up accordingly and have her offspring address it.
Knowing the players in all this ........................
Ain't gonna happen............
Hi Dorker
The link above covers much of what you and MIL discussed.
You could, as Xenajada suggested, print these forms out for MIL to read over.
There is an explanation of the forms, the benefits of the forms and even an explanation of what a Power of Attorney is and does for the principal (MIL).
The State of Florida has it all ready for you.
Loved this paragraph from your earlier post.
“I hate it for her. PT would've most certainly been beneficial for her and her state. But ... it's up to her, whether she wants to choose an avenue in which to obtain that service. She chose not to, ... so be it. Just as she chooses .. dug in firmly, in her home .. though it's my opinion .. that's not safe. Her choice.”
Such a loving, thoughtful and firm acknowledgment of where things stand between you and MIL.
And SIL — dear God. Not a surprise that her adult children only acknowledge her in a “using” or showing-off capacity. Not surprising at all.
SIL needs to take in Big Mama. Stat! If nothing else, who would SIL call 5-10x a day? Dial-A-Prayer? The national weather service??
BRING IT. When Illinois’ Greatest Neurotic is drowning in a river of her own “ be careful what you wish for,” Dorker and DH can text SIL a non-stop barrage of do’s and don’ts.
Turnabout is fair play.
I got as far as the living will bit.
That is an absolute NO.
You hand it back to her with a reassuring smile and say "no, mother dearest; you need to discuss this with your doctor. It is absolutely not for me to comment on - not appropriate, not ethical."
Yes! I thought Dorker said she wasn't going to do Poochy duty. So now that she's been the Poochy groomer taxi, there will probably be pressure to take Poochy to the vet next week if that paw doesn't clear up.
Being the Thursday grocery shopper for MIL makes sense, as does a doctor appointment if it's made for a Thursday. So how much time did you spend in the service of MIL and Poochy yesterday? Wasn't it more time than you had planned?
Regarding the living will, no, no, no. Stay out of it. Not your monkey, not your circus.
My only response to the above: "Well you remember, they told you sometimes these soft tissue injuries, they can take a year to get past them .. maybe that's what's going on".
She then, lamenting, "some" that her daughter, get wind of the above, and she has 100 different directions this should go as to honing in on it all.
I didn't acknowledge at all, ..
My thoughts .. I hope it's nothing sinister ongoing .. but I really have no interest in jumping in to captain the ship on the issue. If she feels she needs to be seen by a physician .. she can work to achieve that as a Thursday appt., if possible, and I will do what I can to accommodate that as a plan. Outside of that, she's supposed to have a "team" .. maybe one of them can have her seen. If she wishes to just disregard and not address it, via any MD appt., that's okay with me too.
I really didn't quiz her much on it, nor lament the whole thing, .. just kinda let it pass.
These are the kinds of things that I used to take the ball and run with it. I'd be the one, either prompted via SIL from afar, or on my own, to phone MD .. get appt scheduled, work with MIL and get her there, .. and then any incidentals along the way and then any further tests, MRI, Xray whatever .. usually necessitating another visit elsewhere .... and or labwork, I was the one on it.
I no longer do that, my feeling is .. she is thought to be of sound mind .. and as such, she can captain her own ship. I don't need to do that for her. I'm sure her daughter is aware and likely unraveling over it, as to not being able to have her mom in every doctor office, between here and the end of the earth to have her looked at. But I've not heard from SIL on it, thankfully. Not real sure if SIL is now entertaining her son and crew, just not real sure what date they were to arrive. That may be why I don't hear from her on that topic.
No, I will discuss ... to the extent that she needs to take it up with her son and daughter, the Living Will, and HCPOA ......... but outside of that, I'm not taking the ball to run with it. Puts me too much in the middle.
I will just keep reiterating that she needs to sit down with both her offspring and get this all worked out, .. that will be repeated often.
As to Poochy care. I did say Poochy care is off the table. However, I have reneged only to the degree that I try to work with and be pliable as to what I do for her on my Thursday visits. Outside of a Thursday visit, and Poochy care or much of anything else, is off the table. But on Thursdays .. I try to, within reason .. be as pliable as possible to help her. There are things that I have never been on board to assists with, in all the years, and everyone knows that, and doesn't ask .. yard work being one .. just not a yard person .. I don't do the house cleaning as she has someone that comes to do that, and I don't want to get on that slope .. and start that whole angle ... But outside of that, doc visits, trips to the bank, ... groceries, dog supplies, take poochy here and there, .. if it's a Thursday, I will do what I can to work within those limits, and help her.
So I did backtrack on what I said, to a degree. I said I wasn't doing poochy duty .. but have done so, .. but ... only on the Thursday slated visits. That, I do stand by.
How long was I in service yesterday? Right at about 7 hours. A little longer than would be typical. But part of that, is because the pastor popped a surprise visit and we sat and visited with he and his wife for maybe a couple of hours.
Interesting on that front. The pastor and DH have a good rapport with one another, they both think a lot of each other. Pastor asking MIL for some "dirt" on DH .. in their conversation yesterday (so he can rib DH some). MIL imparted a couple of different stories from when DH was a much younger man and full of pizz and vinegar .. and of course, the pastor thought those good stories to use .. and will rib DH some.
Imparting this info to DH . which he thinks is funny and doesn't mind ... he added (DH added, in talking to me) "I don't suppose mom then took any opportunity to talk about all that I do for her .. did she share ANY OF THAT ?!?!?!?, or was it just all the bad stuff ...??!?!?!?!?".
Interesting. No, she really didn't share the fact that he's helpful to her, in doing thus and so. Only that she is proud of him .. and what a hard worker he is, and that was pretty much about the sum of any "positive comment" on behalf of her son .. in conversation with the pastor.
Just thought that was kinda interesting.
Yes, there's already been some mission creep for you. Don't let it get any worse!
Guestshop, good reminder. Yes, it's sometimes tough, since we aren't the offspring and don't have that "bond" .. to remember to frame what is said in the context of "I realize this is hard for you watching your parent decline". I know, I'm guilty of that. I don't have that bond .. she isn't my mother. Obviously I do care for her, but it's not the same as being her child that she raised. I sometimes forget .. that I need to frame things a little kinder.
And yes CTTN, .. DH and his sister both would do good to remember, she is probably pretty sleep deprived. Not good for any of us, but certainly not healthy for someone of her age and infirmities. I'd imagine she is up .. a lot .. probably between the Lasix (if and when she takes it as she should) .. and the dog's need to go out, 2 and 3 x's nightly and her back discomfort .. it's a wonder she gets any sleep at all.
I know a week or so ago when there'd been much hullabaloo or seemingly so .. MIL it turns out, having fallen asleep at night in her bedroom chair watching tv .. and as such .. completely discombobulated and in such a stupor of sleep that she didn't have any real recognition or cognitive ability to process what to do with the ringing phone, as her daughter called her, .. to check on her. She could hear the phone ringing .. she could hear her daughter leaving a voice mail, asking if she's alright, why can't she reach her, that she's concerned, etc. But her deep sleep stupor or whatever that was .. prevented her from having any real ability to recognize what to do about it.
This caused some hoopla .. at least momentarily .. until .. a few calls later .. within a few mins, and MIL snapped out of it enough to remember what a phone is for, and what to do about it.
Sleep deprivation? Perhaps. I'd say it certainly isn't helpful that she spends night after night with all the different issues at play, not real conducive to deep sleep.
I'll have to remember that the next time there's a bit of a dust up of concern over this sleep stupor sort of thing that caused her to be kinda so out of it, that a phone ringing .. wasn't anything she consciously recognized what to do.
Had a text from SIL earlier today. She started out thanking me for all I did for MIL yesterday and how happy MIL is with the new groomer she used, and that MIL enjoyed the visit from the pastor.
She goes on from there to state that MIL is still struggling to find a way to the eye doc end of next week (Friday). That MIL has asked "L" the church lady and she isn't available to do it .. but that "L" will check with the "other" church lady .. but MIL hasn't heard back. She goes on to say that she guesses (SIL guesses) she could check with the housekeeper .. and that DH has been made aware and said he will do his best to get her there, but she hates for him to have to do so, knowing he needs to be at work.
I didn't answer for a while, and when I did, the answer was: "Hope she can get it worked out".
She goes on to text back .. "I already tried to change the appt, since I will be there the end of the month, but they didn't have any availability at that time for appts .. I already re-scheduled a dental appt she canceled and I'll be taking her to that while I'm there when I come with my son and family ... just hate to trouble DH with it .. I know he needs to be at work".
I never answered it, my feeling .. I already answered, .. hope she works it out, nothing further to add.
I never did answer the above when I got another text, .. "talked to the housekeeper and she can't take her, but good news, I did call the eye doc . and they had a cancellation so they were able to squeeze mom in at a time when I'm there, so I'll be taking her to that, but also to the dental appt she missed, while I'm there with my son and his family".
Okay...hooray.
I only answered, "sounds good".
Left it at that.
Now maybe what she's doing, as some have suggested, is more a stream of consciousness .. and she texts as she thinks, .. it comes up in the brain it comes out in text form, stream of consciousness. Maybe that is all there is to it.
It's not my perception though. I perceive it that she wants me to take the ball and run with it. Of course, as you see above, I didn't do so, and had no intention of doing so.
It got worked out in the end, anyway. Good.
But the point is .. MIL is in a position she can't get herself to and fro, to what needs to be addressed. She refuses the city transit, and any other private-for-hire setting .. and .. that leaves a whole lot of loose end, unanswered to need. She "needs" for her house .. and DH has to go running, .. she "needs" for her dog .. and DH or myself has to take care of it .. she "needs" for herself ...
Some of that "need" should be lessened ..
Absent any willingness to do that .. it will just be a whole lot of crazy loose ends that have no real clear answers .. as above.
A doc appt that she has struggled to find a way to get there (eye doc).
Feel bad for her, .. but not bad enough to step n fetch to that beat any more.
And, FWIW ........... it may never make any difference at all, and never change a thing in the whole scene. But it dawned on me, no wonder MIL has not been motivated to make any changes at all to her living situation. Until fairly recently .. her "needs" .. were met, for the most part, by Dorker, absent SIL's presence here in town .. Dorker, the surrogate for SIL .. would hop right in and run the roads and answer to all the need. Where was there, in any of that, any motivation to maybe look at changing your situation .. so that you aren't at loose ends .. as to anyone to ring the bell as to the need. There was none, no motivation.
Maybe .. who knows .. (I won't hold my breath) .. maybe if MIL is inconvenienced enough with not being able to get to what she needs .. and no real clear answers as to how to achieve that .. maybe .. she'll look at utilizing some services locally that she has, heretofore .. refused .. or she will look at going to her daughter's .. with a more open mind.
(though she did tell the pastor yesterday .. who hadn't even asked, .. but pastor's wife was admiring her home and her things .. she has a lot of nice antiques .. treasures picked up along the way in her life and travels .. she commented, "that's what I think .. I absolutely love the things in my house .. I can't go away and leave all this, it all means so much to me"). Nobody had even asked her if she's leaving .. but that got thrown out there.
MIL needs arms-length people to tsk-tsk and cluck — and wrongly think you & DH are heartless — when MIL ends up in Illinois or Assisted Living or a Nursing Home.
Welcome to MIL’s latest installment of “50 Shades of Pity Party.”
The evidence is undeniable -- Dorker is mission creeping. "A few hours" is now taking up almost a complete workday.
That assumes, at least in my mind, a whole lot more executive function than I see her capable of.
I don't even know, to be honest ... what does the pastor and his wife know .. of any "plans" or "wishes" that MIL exit her home. I know that I mentioned it to the pastor at one point (and he's no dim bulb) .. that I happen to think she should not be living alone, needs far too much support, is too frail and feeble. But does he remember that specific aspect of what I said to him ... it would be me that said it to the pastor, not DH. Remember, DH's main motivation .. as is the case with his sister ... is their mother's happiness, .. not necessarily her safety.
Would be interesting, at least to me, ,.. were I to ask the pastor if he has an opinion on the above .. having now met her and spent some time with her.
I know we sat there, for the duration of their visit ... which was maybe a couple of hours .. at her kitchen table, she at her normal perch there .. where she seems to spend the bulk of her day every day of her life. She had already sat there, .. the duration that I'd been there .. sitting .. forever ..
I did say to her, when the pastor was then ready to leave, "you're gonna need to get up now and move about some, you have sat here at this kitchen table now for hours .. you've got to get up".
She struggled mightily as she always does .. to do that. And then, walker in place, traveled around the house a bit .. to show the pastor some pictures (they'd asked to see pictures if she has any .. of her kids).
As to mission creep. Indeed, in that visit, yep. That took the better part of an entire day, which isn't typical. Partly that was because the pastor showed up .. unannounced (well he tried to announce he'd like to come by, but I didn't thoroughly check my voice message that said that to me). They stayed, he and his wife .. for maybe a couple of hours.
I think now that the two have met and familiarized themselves with each other .. should he ever happen upon her for a visit again and he said he would ... I think if it were when I'm there ... I think I'd beg off, and exit .. say my g'byes and go. Didn't feel I could really do that, with it being the first time they'd ever met. Wanted to maybe be the conduit between the two .. as to sparking conversation and so forth (though .. in the end, that's not really necessary on my part, MIL .. as we all know .. has never met a stranger in her life .. she can talk to a fence post for hours .... and the pastor .. I guess all of them would have to have, to a degree, the gift of gab).
I do think it's interesting, as to mission creep .. when I ponder .. as one aspect the jello she had me get at the grocery store. First off, ... what's the dang problem with ready made .. already in the little cup. "It's too rubbery". WTH?!?!?!!?! I don't notice that, .. it's not a "thing" as far my taste buds and my palate. Oooookay ............ whatever. So she had me by the kind you make. And the fact that I did ponder, at least momentarily ... that I could go ahead and boil some water and get a batch of that jelling for her in the fridge, but got side tracked. Didn't do it. Then later .. when I thought of it, after I'd left there ... I thought .. "no .. now she is thought to be independent enough to do for herself". I differ from that opinion and I KNOW what a struggle it is for her, .. to even move about in her kitchen to do something as simple as scramble a darn egg .. just that ... is an endeavor like climbing a mountain, for her it is.
BUT ...........
This isn't up to me. Her offspring choose to leave her in the predicament she is in .. and not push the envelope on persuading her to make another choice. Thus .. she can struggle about in her kitchen, trying to boil a pot of water and get it into the container to mix up her jello. So yes, while I was there, it did occur to me, as something I could do, but forgot to do it, .. only later .. upon reflecting .. glad that I didn't do it ... mission creep ...
And the whole thing with the dog and the grooming and that having taken all day .... truthfully I didn't know that would be the case, going into it. I do strive to try to be of "help" to her on the one day that I go there to do just that. I don't want to put limits/restrictions .. for the most part .. on what I will do, .. when I do go there ... and just be overly punitive and arbitrary as to what I will and won't do. The whole purpose is to "help" her.
I didn't know, going into that, .. that I'd be dropping him off .. the doggie .. and then be told, "okay well he'll be ready sometime this afternoon". I assumed, it'd be about 20 mins, maybe an hour .. I'd go to the grocery for her, while he's being taken care of .. and maybe any other incidental .. and then I'd go retrieve poochy and take him home, along with whatever groceries she's had me go get.
I was pretty surprised, .. and not pleasantly so.
They said he'd be ready sometime this afternoon. So I figured I'd go put away her groceries, and do anything else she might need for the moment, and say my g'byes and then when poochy is ready run back out there to get him and deliver him to MIL.
But what ended up happening .. put the groceries away and I stepped outside to empty her multiple flower pots that have standing water in them because of all the rain we've had .. and when I came back inside to get the broom, to go take care of her deck, she sidelined me with her Living Will and wanting to talk about that. I sat down to do that, and it wasn't long .. the doorbell rang .. it was the pastor and his wife.
I was telling DH of their visit, and mentioned to him, about the part at the end, her showing the differing antiques and the pastor's wife marveling at them .. and MIL's remarks that she can't go leave her home, and all her things she so loves. DH's response, "SHE needs to at least leave during hurricane season!".
But will he do anything to push that agenda? Nah .. not only no, h3!! no .. he won't .. nor will his sister. MIL turns on the waterworks that she just can't bear the thought of departing her home and all her things that mean so much to her, .. and that'll be all she wrote.
What's more grating to me was the multiple texts from SIL yesterday as to the whole eye doc appt upcoming and no answers in sight as to how to get MIL there. SIL has already been told when this first came up about a month ago, that I won't be available to address that need. So why put that up on the radar again .. unless you are hoping that I will .....................A) change my plans to suit your agenda and answer to ring that bell ..............or ...................B) put my foot up DH's backside and push him and pat you on the head not to worry that I will push DH to answer to it .. and take that off your plate of worries.
She'd already been told when that was originally mentioned about a month ago, that I'm not available.
She's already been told when she and I sat down to talk, finally .. that my POV on all this is that her mom needs far too much support to prop all this up and I'm not doing it all anymore, I made that abundantly clear to any idiot that has half a brain cell to compute what is said.
So ............ what is it?
Stream of consciousness that she'd now think out loud, via texts to me, as she struggles to solve this latest dilema.
Or
Is it that she hopes Dorker will step up to ring that bell, . either in the form of answering to it herself, to cart MIL off to the eye doc appt., even though it's on a Friday and Dorker has clearly stated that she will set aside Thursdays and that's it ...or .. her hope that Dorker will now spur on her brother, who we all know isn't as responsive as she'd like him to be .. Dorker will take that torch and go after DH ... to get him to step into this gap and answer to it, with a definitive yes he will get it done ..
I made myself clear, or so I thought, .. when I sat down and talked with her, face to face, finally. I'm not going to be jumping and running like I used to do. I will set aside Thursdays and answer to need on that day, that's what I'm prepared to do. Also ......... made it clear that I'm no longer going to be the conduit to hounding/nagging her brother as to need on that end . .. that's their mom and the two of them can work together however they see fit .. that I'm not going to cause consternation in my world any longer over things that aren't mine to worry with. Made that all very clear, so I thought.
And then here flies in the texts as to an unmet need on that end ... she has a doc appt. and thus far, no way to get there, .. and it's on a Friday .. and so this supposed "stream of consciousness" that begins to flow as to what's been tried and hasn't panned out, as to answering to it ...
OH WELL .............................. isn't that the point that I was making .. when I sat and talked face to face with SIL .. that she has too much need that I won't be stepping in to answer to going forward.
I guess I just struggle with trying to figure out why to even put that on the radar.
For instance, .. if I have to be at 4 places at one time .. to take care of some things .. and maybe .. one of my daughters .. maybe one of them could go an answer to 1 or 2 of those things ... maybe i could put in a call to one of my daughters, 'Hey I have to be at _____________ but I also need to take care of x, y and z .. do you think you'd have time to maybe take care of *y and z* for me, so I can take that off my agenda".
Well first off, I have enough brain power to sort out, .. okay well ... two of the daughters work and that's gonna likely preclude their ability to answer to any dilemma I might have .. the other has 3 kids that she'll have to cart around if I have her going hither and yon ....
Chances are, I'm not even gonna ask ..... I'll just figure it out another way .....
BECAUSE I KNOW ......... their limitations as to what they can/are able to address to help.
Why .. in the fact that I sat down face-to-face with SIL and let her know the limitations of what my participation will be, does she then think it's any solution at all that should come up on my radar?
If it were me .. I'd already assume that going in that direction is not an option and I'd work to resolve it however I see fit .. outside of going in my direction.
Thus the reason I originally answered it with "hope she can get it worked out". And then all these other texts as she then works thru trying to sort it out and resolve it. Further texts from her, that went unanswered by me, I'd already said what I had to say about it, "hope she works it out".
You know these people better than I do, but I predict a lot of:
“What’s for dinner?”
“When do you plan to finish my bookkeeping?”
“Could you please please please pick up MIL’s Rx dog food and favorite brand of peanut butter and sneak a peek at how swollen her legs are?”
Dorker, get tough now and stay tough. The more you turn a blind eye and a deaf ear to DH’s family’s ineffectiveness, the more you’ll have in the tank for YOUR parents’ late-life changes.
Your mother and father can downplay the sh*t out of any sort of decline they are experiencing — because you see them in person infrequently. They have the luxury of hiding behind the phone. Omitting crucial details... glossing over issues.
I’m not judging. You live where you live, and your folks live in their respect cities. That’s life in the modern age.
But when “the other shoe drops” for you, Dorker, it’s gonna drop hard.
And Team Myopia will not be there for you the way you’ve been there for them. Sad but true.
Keep training your current batch of “takers” to rely on you less. To respect your boundaries. To find another way.
(((((hugs)))))
Does (did) MIL go to your church? Am I the only one who thinks it was a bit rude for the pastor and his wife to just stop by (for 2 hours), and they hadn't even gotten confirmation from you (or MIL) that it would be okay? And why did you have to stay the whole time?
I'm trying to think how *I* would structure these Thursday mornings for you. (And I readily admit that it isn't *my* life and that I really have no say.) I can tell you one thing -- no Poochy duties. I really liked it when you and MIL had lunch together and chatted. And I'm also okay with taking her to a doctor appointment.
You've drawn the line on some of the housekeeping and yard work (well, you do sweep her deck and watered the flowers, but at least you aren't raking and bagging, etc.). You had said no Poochy tasks, but now you've reneged on that. Since you had such a big grocery trip for MIL this week, that probably won't happen again soon. If she had groceries delivered, would they put them away for her, too?
We know you're resentful that MIL's "team" has disbanded (not that they were ever a real team, anyway), including your own Ds. You're the only member of the "team" that is doing anything (except for H, who is the fixit for MIL).
Now that you've put in nearly a full workday this week, I fear that it will be expected of you in the future. How will you walk back from that?
When you receive texts from SIL, if you're in the middle of something, don't stop to read. They are neither urgent or important.
And when you do read, ask yourself what DH would normally do with her texts (ignore them), then do the same.
Then ask yourself how DH normally feels about ignoring SIL texts (no guilt), then you just delete them and try to not think about them.
Do this a few times/days, and hopefully it gets easier and becomes 2nd nature.
Only answer what truly requires an answer. Like a direct question to you. Other than that, consider SIL texts her stream of consciousness like you said.
I guess I agree with what so many are saying about the Living Will/Advanced Directive, however, I do not think it would hurt to print out one of those documents and just give it to MIL to read and think about and fill out on her own. Put a big hot pink sticky note on it that reads "Sit down and discuss with SIL and DH asap!" Then step away.
I'd have these fantastical moments driving my mom back to her IL after doc appointments. "well, mom , that's good news, what Dr. Y told you. You need to XYZ, but after than, you'll be able to ABC". Mom--Oh, I thought he said I should ABC and if that didn't work then I should DEF". It was surreal.
Does MIL WANT to go to the eye doc? Is it a regular treatment appointment? Can she be convinced to go in a cab?