I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
I believe her.
And yes, I think it is, at least in part, a matter that no one was there on hand to spur things along .. keep her on task .. moving forward/forward motion .. and time management. All of the above. She wasn't able to come last year when we gathered, all of us, to celebrate his bday. She is a shut-in, in every sense. She did attempt to go out and get her dog's special foods, driving herself there. Surprisingly. More than she can do .. and should do.
She complained when I was last there, the pain in her ribs .. (and it seems to travel ..???...), same pain, pretty severe at one time, .. from the fall she took back at xmas .. that pain .. that pain that besieged her at that time. It has returned, .. same pain .. says it's almost as bad as it was originally. Asked her does she think she maybe hurt herself in the fall the other day. She doesn't think so, but not sure. Told her, "Well remember I'm there on Thursdays ..if you want to try to get a doctor appointment .. maybe we can get it looked at, you might need an MRI".
She then was asking me the name of her PC doc .. and the spelling ... (this is how poor her functionality is, she can't recall that info .. right off the top of her head). Told her. She responded, "Oh well, I think if I were to get it looked at, I'd probably go to my cardio doc, I like them better".
I didn't argue the point with her, that's not the direction to start. Only because she followed the above with, "Dorker you know how much I hate going to doctors, I don't know, we'll see .. I don't know that I even want to go".
So I dropped it, .. (was kinda busy today .. and being hung up on the phone debating the finer points of forcing one to go to a doctor .. and/or .. what specific specialty, .. not something I wanted to take the time to try to achieve). And .. that's something she needs to be addressing with her daughter, or son. Not me.
And yes, when we were finishing dinner, I asked DH if he'd like a plate set to the side, and go spend some time with his mom. No, .. a look of "oh man .. no!". I dropped it.
Don't know if SIL is aware of this latest pain that's ongoing .. and ... clueless as to why she isn't coming unhinged if she is aware of it. That would be her normal MO. Doubt MIL has failed to mention that .. she mentions everything else. Maybe SIL's royal brood has arrived, not sure.
And I'm almost certain she's had her Shingles vaccine(s) through the years. Wouldn't that prevent her getting Shingles? Supposed to?
It's times like right now, that it's harder for me. I know that she is in some pain/discomfort .. origin of that pain .. who can say. Hasn't been to the doctor .. doesn't really seem interested in going .. other than someone taking the bull by the horns and leading the charge to get that on the radar and seen to. But .. she is having "some kinda problem", with pain ... and uncomfortable, as a result.
I asked her if it disturbs her sleep and yes it does .. the pain interrupts her sleep (I don't know how she ever sleeps at all, between the dog getting her up .. and her own Lasix, when/if she takes it, .. and the pain/discomfort of whatever this rib issue is).
Old habits die hard. Times like right now, my tendency is to give her a call this morning, .. likely find out that she's no better .. and then take the ball and run with it, full speed ahead .. get an appt .. and get her seen .. and that will likely mean (I would guess) an MRI .. or chest xray .. which means .. another stop along the way ...
I'm not doing that, I'm bridling myself .. and not leading any charge to do so. Her son and daughter should be leading said charge. Her son, I don't think is even aware of this latest .. whatever it is, with her ribs/pain. Whether her daughter is aware, .. I don't know, but I damn sure am not reaching out to notify her, and have the spinning top begin bumping into walls in every direction.
I'll tell her son .. but firm sideline sitter he is .. indent in the bleachers .... I suspect it will get no more than a shrug of the shoulders as to any blip on his radar ... (as is usual).
If he's unconcerned, and I suspect he will be .. then I surely need to find a way to follow suit.
I don't know . it's odd. When she fell last xmas .. that was her chief complaint .. her back hurt but more so .. her ribs .. and under her breast ... and x-rays .. MRI's .. nothing found. No broken bones. But .. the pain was pretty marked. She was rx'd pain pills .. and did try them .. but didn't like the effects, so just suffered through without taking them, but she was really pretty uncomfortable.
I asked her, yesterday .. when she complained more of this, "Did that pain ever subside, ... you talk .. you say it's back again, like it was before, did it ever subside". She said it did yes .. but now it's back .. just like before .. maybe not quite as bad, but pretty painful.
I could only offer maybe whatever it is, .. she re-injured herself in the latest fall. She didn't think so, but response was, "I don't think that's it, but who can say, I give up".
I reminded her, it had been said, .. at that time, these injuries .. soft tissue or whatever, sometimes they can take up to a year to heal ... she did remember she'd been told that.
So, I dunno .. this is when it's tougher for me. In fact, I'm considering checking with DD today to see if we might make a trek out to the zoo, in this 100 degree heat (and I don't do heat, .. not a happy camper in heat and humidity). But .. at least a distraction from worry and the need to pull myself away from this flame ..
You will be calling MIL today, Dorker, to see if she needs anything when you go to visit her tomorrow, correct?
Tomorrow isn't going to be my usual Thursday "date" with my mother (chair yoga then grocery store). I'm taking her to a cardiologist appointment. And then shopping. But what has me a little concerned is that she plans to question her PCP's office about her medical records (same building and floor as the cardiologist). She did this last month after a coumadin clinic appointment, and they ended up coming out to get me to manage her. If that happens this time, I'm not going to go back, but will instead insist the doctor needs to intervene. (Last time I "suggested" it, to no avail.)
We may have stories to compare after tomorrow!
Yes I could call her this morning .. to remind that I'll be there tomorrow, and maybe even again .. run it up the flagpole as I did yesterday, "Well remember .. I come there tomorrow, if you think you'd like to be seen .. by a doc .. go ahead and get an appt in the works".
Hesitation on my part, to even approach all of it. First and foremost, there's that slippery muddy slope .. of my taking the charge .. showing interest .. in that which is .. essentially .. her son and daughter's to show interest in, and if I do so .. then there's that muddy slope that I'm fallen down again, in taking the charge in all this and running with it.
That also puts me in line for, her calling me back (if she'd even agree to try to get an appt achieved) .. "They can't see me tomorrow but they have a slot they can see me today at 2 PM, can you do that one?".
Well I really, I stand pretty damn firm on these Thursday slots I've set to the side .. "No MIL, now remember I see you on Thursdays .. maybe you can contact someone else to get you there this afternoon".
Gonna open that can of worms? I know damn well there is no "call someone else". There isn't anyone else. Remember that supposed team that SIL and DH touted, .. it never actually really materialized. The "team" is Dorker, and DH .. that's it, for the most part.
I'm almost certain .. I'd bet money on it, .. even if doc can get her in, today .. tomorrow .. whenever, it will also then necessitate a chest x-ray and/or an MRI .. and that's another stop .. at another location .. maybe even another date ...
While it does bother me greatly, to know that for whatever the origin is .. she is in some pain/discomfort .. and there's no real explanation as to why, having not been seen anywhere to address it. It's a struggle for me, .. a fight .. because there's a part of me that wants to lead the charge. But there's also a larger part of me that knows .. in so doing, you've stepped in the quicksand of telegraphing to all involved, that you WILL step into the fray and manage all this .. and that's precisely the whole reason I stepped away from it all. So .. bridle myself I am doing.
Wasn't aware CTTN that you also do Thursdays with your mom.
Interesting . yes .. there may be some stories to compare.
And yes, I did tell MIL yesterday .. reminding her, that I see her on Thursdays .. if she'd like to try to get something scheduled, we can set off on that mission. Absent her compunction to do so (and it did, truly .. it did seem .. maybe more than she can even process .. as to working thru doing so .. seemed to cause some confusion and befuddlement and frazzled-ness to even contemplate how to go about trying to do that, and did she even want to go there .. didn't seem to want to do so). That's why I said, ... she'd be all about getting to a doc, if one of us would take the bull by the horns and lead the charge.
If things were as they used to be, .. I'd put in a call to her, hear she is still uncomfortable, I'd hang up from her, call doc, get appt., .. call her back, "the doc says they have availability to see you, at 1 today .. so I'll head out there, about 11:30 or so .. and help you to get ready ... ".
She wouldn't refuse that. That's how things used to be. She'd go along with it, .. especially having someone there on site, to keep her on task and forward progress of getting thru the motions of getting ready to go.
She'd go .. there's be no argument.
That's how things used to be.
But .. then you find you're up to your knees in the quicksand of all that is, ... managing her and her life .. the very things that I said I"m no longer going to do ..
She does not need to be living alone .. see above, it's too much of a struggle for her to even manage to decipher if she wants to go to the doc .. and if so what to do about seeing to it that gets on the radar.
But ............ not my decision. Reminding myself, .. also not my responsibility .. thus, stay out of it.
I find Urgent Care centers great for this sort of thing.
By the way, SIL is wrapped up in her son. There is no realization. Just an OCD focus on visit not MIL. Denial is not just river in Egypt. Dysfunction is strong.
Will suggest that also to DH.
Did mention to him, and he did seem to have an awareness of this .. suspicious rib pain. I guess she has mentioned it to him. He said he'd give her a call in a little bit to check on her. Don't know though, .. knowing him, the day and it's events will probably get in the way of actually following through on that phone call, generally does. But .. again, repeated reminders to myself, not my circus . not my monkey.
I have no idea what the case may be with SIL .. generally speaking, the teeth gnashing and hand wringing would be in full swing right about now .. as well as spinning like a top bumping into walls in every direction, as she ponders from afar .. what to do, what to do, what to do ............!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Haven't heard a word from her on this latest.
I somehow doubt she has come to her own conclusions and just decided that she'll no longer do the above with regard to her mom .. doesn't seem to be in her makeup to be able to do so.
I would bet more the case, .. as has been cited here before .. her son comes .. and his crew .. and she might as well have left the planet. That becomes her focus .. tunnel vision focus. She's generally, nowhere to be accounted for, when son and crew arrive. The check in calls still go on,.. but .. somehow those aren't as pressing .. usually .. and they are pretty short/sweet .. as opposed to what normally occurs, where there is malingering on the phone forever, hash and rehash .. thru every issue and some that haven't even been conjured up yet.
Though, last year about this time, .. or near it .. MIL's AC went out ......... those that have been following the saga remember. Here we'd brought new babies, .. mommy that has just had c-section surgery, a dog . and a 4 yo here .. into our household, after discharge from hospital .. and MIL's AC went out.
DH at that time, .. running from pillar to post to help facilitate their move (DD's and crew) ... and them displaced, .. and so here in our household, two newborns .. and so forth ..
MIL'S AC went out .. and DH had been out there to bring a couple of fans .. the AC guy had come and at least got it to blow air, where before it wouldn't even do that, but it wasn't cool air. Had to get the part, which would take a few days. DH ... between trying to help with DD and crew's move ... and be here, to help with whatever .. and then having to run out to MIL's to check on her. Her thermostat in her house, at that time, registering 80 degrees. That's not much warmer than she keeps it anyway, 78. She likes it warmer .. I'd die .. I hate that temp .... but that's how she likes it.
DH ...... out there checking on his mom ... putting up box fans .. hoping she doesn't trip over cords now stretched to power fans ..
Somehow SIL surfaced from all that was her son and crew's visit there, ... those that remember this saga ... surfaced enough that she had a neighbor go secure a wall AC unit ... neighbor shows up with wall AC unit ... and now MIL calling, because neighbor has materialized with a wall AC unit that he doesn't have a clue what to do with, needing DH out there to get it installed into a window in her kitchen ..
This,... those that remember, infuriated me. Why?
Because .. DH already had his hands full here ... and he was in constant contact with his mom .. (had offered to bring her here, where there is AC .. but also ... where there was chaos with newborns and a mom recooping from surgery and 2 dogs .. her's would've made a 3rd .. not at all a setting where she needs to be). He .. was in constant contact with his mom.
SIL having texted me, at that time .. "I sure hope mom is gonna be okay out there, with no AC .. how hot is it there?". I remember responding to her, "DH is in contact with her, and has taken fans out there ... he's got it handled".
Next thing I knew, .. phone call from MIL that neighbor has showed up with a wall unit AC to be installed into a kitchen window .. and need DH there to do so, this at SIL's behest from afar.
She did surface for that ... and that was at a time that she had son and crew there in her home.
DH then having to go back out there a couple of add'l times, as the thing then began leaking water onto her kitchen floor and him there to try to resolve that. All culminating in having turned the thing off, and taken it out of the kitchen window and her back to no AC other than what was (limited) that the AC guy had done .. at least air blowing ... All for nothing in the end.
She should've stayed out of it, and if I were DH at the time, I'd of blasted her and told her the same, he chose not to, just dealt with it .. running from pillar to post as best he could to batten down need in every direction.
Generally speaking though, it's as if she's left the planet .. you don't hear from her.
Broken rib? Pneumonia? Blood clot?
Shingles?? Certainly possible. Even if MIL has been vaccinated.
Don’t let DD and 4-y.o. and twins anywhere near MIL until you are positive it is not shingles. (Same virus as chicken pox.)
And here’s hoping the AbuDhabi g-kids get the same vaccines as U.S. kids.
Last but not least: Dorker, you & DH are “shingles age.” (Ouch! Sorry!! I know....😬) Be extremely cautious with your exposure to and contact with MIL.
It would somehow be classic if MIL’s latest ailment wreaks more havoc on MIL’s loved ones than it does on MIL herself......
Good point about Urgent Care sites .. believe it or not, in all of the maladies through the years ... always .. the *go-to* has always consistently been, to the PCP .. or whatever. It has never occurred to me to dash her off to an urgent care facility .. and ya know .. why didn't it? In those settings .. generally .. one can have some rudimentary lab work done on site ... maybe even an xray if needed. Vs what goes on at the PCP .. they want lab stuff .. that's another stop .. not there on site. They want an xray done .. that's another stop .. MIL unable to make all these trips/stops .. too much for her.
Wonder why in the world that never occurred to me to have that as "go to".
As I ponder that for a bit here, and my Thursday visit tomorrow, it might be something I'd offer, if she hasn't seen fit to get herself any doc appt. I know the wait can be long .. maybe that's an impediment (but for that matter doc offices are also notorious for longer waits than I'd like).
Pondering it, .. one does have to consider .... oh geeze .. ya know, at her doc office, they have all her records, .. no need to fill out all these (ipads) pages of what conditions/surgeries/medications/treatments, etc etc etc.
What's the general consensus here, as to going to Urgent Care and the above. Just deal with it, .. fill out their (ipad) paperwork and deal with it .. or go to the PCP where you may then be sent to site A for this or that, and site B for this or that .. and on and on it goes.
Sounds to me like an Urgent Care is the way to go, should that become something MIL is amiable for tomorrow ...
Anywho, when I went they did have equipment to do a chest xray which was very convenient. You might check online as to which ones do, a few here don't have x-rays/labs, they are just walk in clinics. Also, most will let you schedule an appointment online the day you are going so that you can skip some of the waiting time.
Just wonder how they deal with that, with the elderly being drug into one of their establishments .. an elderly that has a host of issues ... many of them .. and can barely ambulate around. I guess they just deal with it.
That's the other thing that might be a drawback to her agreeing to do so. The co-payment ... I don't know what her insurance is. I know they take her insurance, I already looked that up .. but what I don't know if whether or not the expectation is that she pay up front .. and then submit the paperwork to be reimbursed by her insurance company (something she'd oppose). And without calling them, with her specific insurance cards .. for them to go over that info .. info I don't have ........ I'd have to get it from her, and OMG ............... calling her to have her now go dig up her insurance cards, then read to me what your insurance card #'s are .. and let me call them. Sheesh .. I could drive out there right now, waltz into her house and go put my hands on where she keeps them, faster than she could do it over the phone (and yes, that's accurate, very much so).
Would beffudle and confound and frazzle her, to ask her to do such a thing. Would be easier to drive out there right this minute and grab the info myself! But I'm not going to.
I know when she goes to her PCP .. there is no charge .. this because .. whatever her insurance is .. she has a small co-pay of like $100 per year .. once that's satisfied .. she pays nothing else .. so when she goes to the PCP .. it's just sign in and get seen, schedule next appt and be gone.
I know if I told her, "oh they won't file your insurance, you'll have to pay the $90 or whatever they charge", .. that'd nix the whole thing .. she wouldn't do it.
Slippery slope Dorker. The only way to win is not to play.
If you want DH involved and not on bleachers, his backside needs to be in car driving and in waiting room chair by MIL.
Still not going to wedding in July. MIL & FIL are appalled that job trumps family.....
Good job, Guestshopadmin, in holding firm about not attending that wedding! Does your H still intend to take his parents AND take care of them?
IMHO, nothing is "wrong" with MIL but the ravages of time. She hurts b/c she's old and has nothing to DO but think about her dog and her awful life. It HURTS to get older. I'm more of the line of thinking she has fallen many more times that she owns up to. Mother does that. You ask how she got this huge bruise on her leg and she hems and haws and tries to divert attention. Well, the fact is, she tries to walk w/o her walker and she falls. A lot. Mostly a "slumping" to the ground, rather than a BAM, kind of fall, but she bruises easily. And she is always in "repair" mode from the most recent fall. SO many quirky aches and pains.
It's awful, no doubt, but MIL's doctors are just going to TX the pain and she won't take any pain pill strong enough to really relieve the pain (and she probably shouldn't, since she's so wobbly now).
Would KNOWING what's causing this pain make much difference in her life at this point? She fights you on everything, yet complains incessantly. IF the pain were that bad, she'd make the supreme effort to call the doctor and go on Thursday. It must not be that bad. If she won't commit to seeing somebody for this, I would ignore her and do the Thursday stuff and forget about it.
You could check the skin on her trunk tomorrow--shingles will usually present on one side of the trunk of the body only. Oozing red rash. If she doesn't have that, then I wouldn't pursue it further. (google some images so you know what you're looking for).
And don't take her to her cardio doc. Love of heaven. Her PCP is more than capable of caring for this, whatever it is.
Also, FWIW, walking with a walker is a SKILL, and done improperly can cause some real pain. A pulled muscle in a basically homebound individual can hurt for months.
Also--SIL is showing up soon? Why NOT have some phantom pains to get SIL's radar up and tingling?
Ah, I feel like a snark, saying all this. It's just--you seem to be still so very wrapped up in MIL's issues--whether you say much to her is not the point, you're still mindfully thinking of all the "what-ifs" and that's not getting you anywhere.
Keep those boundaries!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She's probably never going to "get it" but you can have relative peace 6 days a week.
I count myself very lucky that I was recently fired from caregiving for my mother. At first, it really hurt, but now, well, all her problems are brothers and I get 2 days back for myself.
If she has Pneumonia .. (would kind of be surprising to me, since she hasn't had any cold/congestion that I'm aware of), then ... I mean what a horrible way to go .. as in . not treating it .. and letting it take its course. But .. in the end .. whatever is ailing her, .. the onus is on her, .. to take the initiative to care whether or not she is seen to get it addressed.
That has been suggested to her, .. as in "Well remember I come there on Thursdays .. if you'd like to get an appt .. and get seen, we can do that".
It seemed to befuddle her, frazzle her, .. seemed to kind of knock her off her axis .. is about the best way I know how to describe it. Asking me who her PCP is .. and how to spell his name. Then the diversion came of "well I would probably just opt to go to the cardio doc .. since I don't really like my PCP and they seem to be really good there, what's her name, what's the name of my cardio doctor?".
OY VEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I really, not yesterday .. didn't have time to debate the finer points of whether to see a PCP or a cardio doc, .. and/or .. spell out and look up for her, and take on the assignment of calling on her behalf ... I just let it drop, when she then said something akin to, "Oh I don't know, you know how I hate going to doctors".
Yes I do know ... .
Her choice. So, if she isn't motivated to do what needs doing, to have her condition looked at .. then I surely don't need to get my radar up.
More inclined to believe whatever besieged her before, .. when she fell and she had some pretty bad pain in her ribs ... pain that did ultimately subside .. after months and months .. and has now returned mysteriously ... I think maybe she re-injured whatever that was all about .. in the most recent fall. Incidentally, the one and only recent fall we know of, there may be falls we don't know about.
I'll give her a call tomorrow morning before I head that way, in case there's anything that needs doing on the way there, .. and then head that way .. and I won't mention another thing about a doc visit, unless she continues to complain and I'll again suggest, .. "did you get a doc appt like we talked about?". "Well NO DORKER .. you know how I hate to go to doctors, .. well then ... let's see .. here's some Tylenol .. go ahead and take a couple of those, maybe that will help some".
As I told DH ... (and I did say these words when I asked if he might wanna check in with his mom in this mysterious new-found rib discomfort) .. "I could go ahead and take the bull by the horns and make an appt and then work to twist your mom's arm, go out there 2 hours early to keep her on task and making forward progress to get ready to go .. but that would be your sister that does that kinda thing .. I'm not your sister".
He did seem to be a little put out, anger is the wrong term, too strong, but put out .. that his mom .. actually did put on clothes a week or so ago .. she was able to get dressed .. when it was "dog need" .. and get behind the wheel and set out to go get what the dog needs. But she can't do so, even when someone is sent to go get her, she doesn't even have to drive to get here ... we'd of sent YD. That did seem to .. oh I dunno .. puzzle him .. perturb him some.
He was making a (passive/aggressive) joke about it yesterday when OD arrived here, and remarked that MIL wasn't here, then told why she hadn't come. DH then chiming in with, "oh it's probably that ole .. you know, she was SO MISTREATED HERE .. in this house, she SAID she'd never come to this house ever again".
My radar went up .. because .. this .. if you remember, stems from back when she sheltered here from the hurricane and I was told ..by SIL and by DH .. that she was "so hurt" at the treatment rec'd here .. that she will never come here again (she hasn't been coming here for like 2 years .. too much for her to do).
I said, "say what?!?!?!?!", (particularly because when I did sit down with MIL, that topic was raised by me. I've been told that you were so hurt when you sheltered at our home from the hurricane .. what's that about, wanna talk about that?". She denied it.
DH: "I'm just kidding .. I know .. I know .. ridiculous .. she's so full of drama .. if she can't be dramatic .. then what is she".
Good that got dropped like a hot potato. I wasn't mean to her, as I've covered here before. I was aloof .. .yes .. absent a good deal of the time .. yes ... for sure. But mean?, cruel .. ??....treated her with rudeness? Nope, did not. Remember, at that time, .. I'd been told til I could spell the words with steam out of my ears, "I can manage, now I know what I need to do and I will manage".
Alright, manage then! I simply was aloof and gone a lot.
So there better not be one word uttered, that she, in the end, decided not to come here, because she felt so "hurt" over how she was treated when she sheltered here.
Nope ... going to leave it alone as to whatever this latest malady is .. unless she's somehow seen fit to get herself scheduled to be seen tomorrow, in which case, let's get on it, .. we'll go see what's going on.
In previous posts MIL had original Medicare and a plan F supplement. No copay with Plan F. You pay more for monthly premium for that benefit.
Usually it goes X-ray, then CT before MRI.
She could get UTI checked at same time.
Ask for a copy of X-ray to show primary should pain persist.
I still have those saved in a file on my phone .. and I was looking at them, and yes "Plan F" supplement. She does yes, pay more monthly for that, .. but the bene's are better.
Yes that had occurred to me also about the UTI .. if she sees fit to get herself an appt.
Not going to pursue anything on it, unless she has taken some initiative to get herself seen, in which case, yes, I will help with that .. tomorrow.
Checked her for the blisters/rash of shingles, nothing there. She complains of itchy skin .. on her back . nothing there, other than dry skin. Not sure what one can do about that, when there's no one there to rub lotion on to moisturize. I did put some anti-itch spray on her back .. that seemed to help. But it's only temporary.
Had me look at some growth thing that has cropped up behind her ear. Looks to me like a wart, nothing sinister really. But what do I know. Asked if she'd like to have it looked at, next Thursday and so that's on the radar for next Thursday.
I did do the normal, go to the grocery .. go to the bank ... sweep off her deck outside, .. pinch off her dead flowers .. that sorta nothingness. Grabbed a sandwich while out and had lunch with her, and visited. She seemed to enjoy the visit.
Most interesting part of the visit and not much I can do about it, or will do about it. Her again talking of the Living Will, HCPOA ..asked has she brought it up to her son and daughter. No. Told her, and I quote "That's something you and your offspring are gonna have to get on .. sooner rather than later. The very thought of laying in some hospital bed with tubes and hoses coming in every direction .. and no one that can speak on your behalf should motivate you to get that done .. I've told both of them that you are on that page .. if you guys don't talk about it, it's not gonna get done".
She asked me if I'd take that task on .. (I guess get the paperwork and get all parties front and center). Answer was an astonished .. how could you even ask .. outlandish "me?!?!?! No, I'm not your next of kin .. there's nothing I can do .. you guys are gonna have to sit down and hash it all through and get it figured out".
If it does or doesn't get done, not on me. I've done all I can do, if she asks again, she'll get the same answers.
No not harping on DH about it either, I've suggested it, and as with most things . unless it's a Mr. Fixit task .. it gets shelved.
Other interesting point of conversation (and MIL's right) .. she was lamenting having to go to IL to her daughters, .. and along the lines of .. "what am I gonna do with that daughter of mine .. I'm gonna be there captive .. to her hand wringing and wanting me to go to doctors in every direction. At this point in my life, with all the struggle I face, just even getting from point A to B .. I just don't care to do all that. Ya know, .. if I left it up to her, I'd be in a doc office every day, if not more than one. Every time you talk to her .. she or her husband, or both of them, they have yet another doctor appointment. I realize she's in her 60's and has a lot of life left to live and so she wants to do what she can to take care of herself .. but I'm beyond all that ... I just am not able to do it. She's working on getting a doc appt for me at her PCP .. something or other about establishing me as a patient there .. that they won't see me, if I get sick unless I'm' a patient there, .. and so she's trying to get that set up .. and I know .. what that will lead to .. they'll want me seen by all numbers of other doctors for all the various things wrong with me .. and I'm just not able to do that .. I don't know Dorker what am I gonna do with her .. I'm gonna be there, held captive with that onslaught".
She goes on to talk about having to be so careful what she says to her daughter .. just the mere mention (which she does do, even though she also voices that she needs to be so careful not to be too forthcoming with complaints of ailments .. she does so anyway) . but says that the mere mention of some pain or ailment and her daughter is off to the races, wanting her seen here and there and everywhere, and every test known to man .. and then some. She's right, that is how her daughter does things.
I only responded as follows, pretty much (para phrasing) .. "well ya know, I operate form a whole different standpoint, the assumption is that you are of sound mind .. and I mean look at .. presently .. you have complained of this rib pain .. and I offered to get you there today to get it seen, you declined, it's over .. I'm not harping on you, and haranguing you .. and arm twisting .. your decision .. you know your pain level and tolerance and so you don't wanna go have it seen .. no skin off my nose ... she and I are completely different in that aspect ... If it were me, and I'm 88 years old and have the struggles you do .. I'd be having a frank discussion with her, .. that I am not going to go in the direction of any number of procedures and tests and so forth .. not anymore. That I'll go to the doctor if I'm sick, to be rx'd an antibiotic or whatever .. but short of that .. I don't care what might be lurking in there that's a ticking time bomb... I'm not up to the struggles I face in having to endure the tests/procedures and so forth .. not anymore and I'm not doing it, so don't even try anymore".
She said in response: "Dont' you think I've said all that to her ... ???.....she is .. you know her, it then becomes .. but mother if you would just . but mother they can look at _____________ and maybe if they fix _____________ then they can work on ____________ but you have to let them look at it .. why won't you just go .. it might be x, y and z .. and if they can fix it, but mother .. you know her .. you know she doesn't let up".
She's right. That is how SIL is.
I said to her in response to that: "Well then my suggestion is to get your son front and center ..and get him on that page .. and then you have yourself as well as your son .. both of you .. armed to go against her and her hand wringing and teeth gnashing about all the direction she'd like you going as to this and that test and procedure.
Outside of the above .. I don't truly know what you do about the chief arm twister .. that persists and persuades and cajoles and hounds and dogs you to the ends of the earth with the whole, "but mother ..." all in effort to get you to acquiesce and go to the doctors for . investigation of every nook and cranny .. and that seems to be what she is voicing opposition to .. but how to get her to shut the hell up and quit with it all. I don't know.
If you can't get SIL on the page that's not gonna be something she'll do .. and agree to .. then she's right, she will be captive to all that. Absolutely right.
As MIL said: "I guess if it comes to push and shove, I can do like a kid and stomp off and go lock my bedroom door, but then she'll say I'm being cantankerous .. ". I said, "so be cantankerous then .. if that's not what you want .. then be cantankerous".
Suggested again that she consider signing up for Palliative Care where there'd be less need for all that.
She mentioned that stress test that was done when SIL was here .. the one before she fell and got so injured, and how that stress test almost did her in. I told her, "Dh and I both questioned that .. why they would even subject you to that ... what are they gonna do if they find some issue .. there's not much you can withstand at this point in your life .. so why bother with a stress test, .. the very reason you've quit with colonoscopies and mammograms and pap smears .. there's not much you could withstand at this point if they did find something wrong".
She said: "That was her .. that daughter of mine ....".
I said in response: "Well if that's how you feel . then you need to at least get another of your offspring on the same page as you, and the only other one there is, is your son .. so get him front and center and talk to him and let him know that you want his help convincing his sister, calling her down . that it's over .. all this running hither and yon for testing and procedures .. ".
She didn't answer as to whether she'd do that or not. But I do agree with her, her daughter is exactly as she describes.
At least she's no longer talking out of both sides of her mouth. Readily admits she just isn't up for it anymore, all the running to docs in every direction. She used to complain about that, but then within the next breath be telling you how she knows what she needs to do and she'll do it, that she must take such good care of herself and be so very careful .. so that she can continue living there. At least I didn't hear any of that.
She seems somewhat .. up in arms that her daughter is already on it, working the angle to get her in to be seen by the PCP the daughter sees. To establish herself as patient there. Apparently that doc won't see her, in the event of ailment .. unless she is an established patient there, and to do that .. she'll have to submit for a physical to establish a file with that practice. She doesn't want any part of that .. feeling as though that doc will then send her to neurology, to cardio, to derma, to this one and that one for more and more and more, doesn't want that.
I asked: "what's wrong with the local Urgent Care center ... if you're sick, you go there, they rx an antibiotic .. if it's worse than that, you go to the ER .. simple in my view .. I don't see that you have to establish as a patient there, this is supposed to be temporary .. you get sick, you go like anyone would do if they were traveling and out and away from their own docs .. you go to the Urgent Care site ...
Blank stare of "I hadn't thought of that".
That was pretty much the sum of the visit there. I do agree with her any visit to stay with her daughter, is gonna be fraught with her daughter wanting her in the car every damn day for this and that appt .. and I don't know how to get her daughter called down on that .. unless it's like I said, somehow getting the sideline sitter in it all, .. a feat if there ever was one .. and getting him to advocate to his sister, to sit her azz down and stop it already .. enough is enough!
Shame I'm not in charge .. (but no I'm not and no this is in no way any catalyst that causes me to want to step to the forefront .. not a chance) .. I'd handle things a lot differently. She's been pretty damn clear ... in talking to me .. that she's over it with all that, so a doc suggests this or that .. I'd be asking her right in front of them, to remind her .. "you say you don't want all this, .. now you don't have to do it ... you know that right? .. it's your choice ...".
SIL .. not at all on the page I operate from. She hears suggestion of going to x, y and z test .. and she's off to the races .. she's on it, .. doesn't even ask her mom.
Don't know what they'll do to work through all that.
That was pretty much the sum of the visit .. just visiting and some small errands .. that was it.
Despite all the static and sub-stories, MIL seems truly enjoy spending a few hours/week with you As A Person.
Beneath all her hooey, MIL is a human being like the rest of us.
Dorker, your new boundaries are serving you well — and they are serving MIL well. 👍🏼
This was certainly true of my mom. Living at home, she was a prisoner of her house. She had to rely on us for transport to the doctor. Once in IL, there was a doctor ON SITE several days a week; she scheduled appointments at HER convenience. There was a geripsych who came to her apartment. There was "scheduled transportation" within a several mile radius so that she could go to the dentist on her own.
Just saying......
Do you really think she will actually call her PCP to have the wart behind her ear looked at next Thursday? No matter to you, but it will be interesting to see if she can even follow through with that.