I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
I mean first off .. she is being asked to evacuate this area .. during hurricane season so as to not have to be here to weather such hardships ... (one she would try to tell you .. hey no big deal, done it all my life, FL born and raised). But you weren't always doing so at 88 years old, with a myriad of health problems and severe mobility restrictions and with a dog that is your baby .. but aint nobody else consider him their baby.
I really don't seem to have the empathy her offspring do .. on this topic. She is being asked, to go stay with her daughter. Not to go enter a dungeon for a few months and stay there, .. not to go evacuate with the masses that have nowhere else to go and are then housed in a school gymnasium on cots .. and fed boxed meals .. for days ... not to to even go to (the dreaded, OMG .. horror of horrors for her) an AL. She is being asked to go stay with her daughter, for christ's sake!
It's tough ... for me ..... because .. in me, there is a sense of .. wanting to scream at all involved. For God's sake .. every one of you need to get a grip. Your mother didn't plan to live this long .. apparently, in any sense of the word .. and so now .. she is elderly and infirm and has a host of issues .. and she barely hangs onto any existence at all .. but for crying out loud, .. this isn't asking her to go sit in a dungeon for a few months, this is her DAUGHTER'S HOME. Yes, 1K miles away . not right around the corner, .. but it's her DAUGHTER ................ get a grip, every last one of ya.
SIL, knock it the hell off, she doesn't wanna be dragged from pillar to damn post as to every malady she might mention ... offer it yes .. if she'd like to look into it ... if there's an issue/ailment, she doesn't wanna go and pursue it, then drop it .. knock it the h3!! off .. drop it .. quit arm twisting, persuading, cajoling .. knock it off .. you make her miserable .. you say it's all about wanting her to be happy .............. well here's a clue for ya .. part of that happiness is not being dragged from pillar to post for any number of medical procedures and investigations ... knock it off! Stop it. Offer your home to her .. as a respite from the storms that may or may not even come this way .. but at least has her out of harm's way here ... and make it as happy as it can be, given the circumstance, and part of that is not dragging her around to doctors at every sneeze or hiccup, stop it!
DH, stop feeling SO SORRY for her ... she could've and SHOULD'VE planned better for this eventuality and she didn't .. so this is what remains of that poor planning! We HAVE HOUSED HER HERE several times to shelter from storms and for a number of reasons ................... at this point, her mobility is so poor and her needs so great .. that doing so, is a real problem .. you aren't here walking the damn walk, you're outside taking care of things .... you're off checking on jobs, or working up estimates .. you aren't right at her elbow, which apparently is what is her expectation .. in the fact she was so hurt .... and so put out the last time she was here, having no one at her elbow to service she and her dog's every damn whim .... something I changed about the whole set up this last time. So HERE is not a suitable setting any longer. GET OVER IT. You're poor poor mom .. that she so doesn't want to have to leave her home, her things, her perfectly set up house with it's grab bars and it's dog steps to get into the bed .. and the big b'yard for the dog .. and so forth .. cry me a damn river. It's her daughter's home, not a dungeon ......... every last one of ya needs to grab a big dose of reality here .. a big gulp of it.
Talking with DH this morning some on the topic of what she and I talked of yesterday that her daughter will run roughshod over her wishes to not be dragged around from pillar to post, to docs. And he said the following (in a sense of feeling sorry for her and her poor plight) .. "can we not .. I mean we know .. these things kick up out there in the ocean .. and begin to look threatening .. can we not just put her on the plane in the event of such an occurrence and get her out of harm's way .. rather than making her uproot for months and go in that direction?"
My answer: "We tried that the last time, she doesn't change gears in a matter of 3 or 4 days lead notice that you get ... she simply can't do it .. there is too much planning that has to go into it .. she has to have too many of her things .. her accouterments ... your mom is high maintenance .. she doesn't travel light .. we tried that the last time and she was all put out that anyone would assume she capable of preparing and being on a plane out of here, with about 24 hours notice, this is her DAUGHTER'S HOME for crying out loud, this isn't' a dungeon she's being asked to go to.
MIL .......... this is your daughter's home, this isn't a damned dungeon .. or prison .. it's your daughter. Yes, she'll wring her hands and carry on wanting to drag you here and there to doctors .. but you .. of sound mind, supposedly .. can tell her it's not gonna play out that way and dig in your heels and NOT be subject to that, .. and if you won't do it .. then you will be subject to it .. your choice ... but staying here, with windows that don't open in your home any longer .. to ventilate your house, .. no one willing/able to board your windows for you .. no generator to power up to at least have a fan running, or a light to turn on, in the event of power outage .. the peril of possibly being stranded there, with trees that fall .. and your compromised health . it's not an option to stay here .. not any longer .. and you apparently aren't happy at my house either .. sorry you lived longer than you intended to, and with a host of issues that impede your health .. but that's not my fault, nor yours .. but the REALITY is this .. you need to be safely tucked away from such things .. where your mobility and health issues aren't at play as to these things .. and the only option you really have is an AL . which GOD HELP US ALL ................ would somehow be a fate worse than death .. or .. you can go to your daughter's .. grab a big pill here called REALITY.
I get so fed up with the pie in the sky ... magical thinking .. on all their parts.
I'm not angry ... I'm just really confounded. What is so wrong with having to go to your daughter's ........?!?!?!??!?!................
As her daughter has said of it all: "Her house is perfectly set up for her .. she has her sofa where she sits and it has several cushions high so she doesn't have to lower herself too far, something she struggles with .. she has her grab bars installed around her toilets . and the braces on both toilets so she doesn't have to struggle to lower down to the toilet .. she has grab bars in the shower .. she has her dog's steps so the dog can get into the bed, she has her nice chair set up in her big bedroom, in front of her tv so she can be in there to watch tv .. she just .. her house is perfectly set up for her to get around .. and I mean we'll do the best we can here, to make accommodation so she can be as comfortable and safe here as we can possibly do, but it's not her home and her things and the same comfort level here .. I understand .. it's hard for her .. I get it. As she said to me, maybe I could just ... if it comes to it, do you think I could just go with the others that evacuate and go to a gymnasium at a high school where they take all the other evacuees .. maybe I could just do that ... maybe I could just go on and die before that day comes and not have to do this .. she hates it that much. I told her, ... you've lost your mind mother .. no .. you can't go evacuate to a high school gym .. they will give you a cot to sleep on .. if that, or a mat on the floor . you struggle to even get in and out of a damn bed .. how are you gonna lower yourself to a cot or a mat on the floor and no your dog won't be with you there, pets are evacuated to a different location .. no .. that's not an option. I just hate it for her .. I try not to take it personally .. that she is so dreading coming here .. and not let it get to me .. but she really really really is dreading all this and doesn't want to do it.
As I've told her before, "part of the reason she dreads coming there is your insistence that she see every doctor in the hemisphere .. she is over that, has turned that damn page in her life ........ doesn't wanna do it anymore. You have got to stop all that. She said, .. "well I mean .. where's that line .. she wanted that skin cancer removed from her leg this past visit when I was there .. she could've opted to not treat that either .. where's that line .. what is it she wants and doesn't want .. I don't do that, she acts like I argue with her and persuade and such .. I don't .. I leave it up to her.
I said to SIL: "No, I think her mental acuity isn't what it needs to be .. she is sitting in a doc office complaining of whatever the latest ailment is .. and they can investigate . hell that's their job .. that's what they're there to do .. so they suggest this or that test/procedure and she doesn't argue with them .. if I were with her, I'd ask her .. right there on the spot .. .Now MIL .. you say you are done with all this testing and so forth, do you want to do this, you don't have to ... it's up to you .. and give her the option .. right then and there .. you don't do that, they recommend X, Y and Z and you're off and running and scheduling it and working it .. and then only later .. when she is at home and now once again struggling to get even so much as dressed for the damned day .. is when it then occurs to her, she is so over all this .. going form pillar to post for all this ... stop it .. just stop it .. ask her yes, make it clear to her, what her options are .. but you guys all need to sit down and talk about what the path will be going forward .. if she wants to feel better, .. in the respect she can at 88 years old with a host of issues .. and treat whatever .. then soldier the hell up and realize that you're going to be poked and prodded and so forth .. and do it ... if not .. then realize that you aren't gonna be looking into all that .. it's really pretty damn simple in the end.
I just don't get it .. now this push to have her seen at the PCP where SIL and her husband are seen, .. under the auspices of ... he won't see her in the event of ailment or malady .. unless she is an "established" patient there .. she's gonna come here and stay .. and if she gets sick, I wanna know that I can take her there .. and be seen ..
No hell you don't have to do that, she doesn't wanna do it .. so don't, why fight all this and make her miserable . you say it's about her happiness... well that aint making her happy ............ so she gets sick .. go to a damned acute care site .. or an outpatient ER like we have here ...... it doesn't have to be all this .. you all are damned idiots every last one of ya.
Poor poor MIL having to uproot and displace from her home, where she's most comfortable and her things .. and her so sad to have to do that. Grab a reality pill all of ya ..
I just don't have the empathy ...
I don't fault myself with that either. I find that I am one who has a big heaping helping of reality on board here .. in all this.
My response: "Yea, sure suggest it, .. if you want .. but if she doesn't wanna do that .. and I doubt she will .. as they will want to do tests and such ...... then drop it .. leave it be, she gets a UTI .. tx it .. move on to the next topic .. don't hound/cajole/persuade, etc.
How in the world do you get someone who is like SIL .. that when there's something wrong, you fix it .... that's what you do ............ you fix it. How do you get someone like her to understand that sometimes "fixing it" .. is not the option people opt for. Sometimes they don't wanna do what it takes to "fix it", they'd rather live with it.
It's like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.
Sometime back SIL suggesting, "maybe if I can get her here to my house we can get her signed up for that on site PT she needs .. but she's gonna have to see a physician here for a referral for that .. and she's so opposed to doing that .. so .. I dunno. I mean she would so benefit from some on site PT .. but ... if she won't go to a doc to get a referral it can't happen".
Bonk in the head .. yes, ,suggest it ... of course. If she doesn't wanna comply leave it damn be!
It's truly like you have ... two different sides of the coin here. Left to her son and his approach .. she would waste away I suppose .. but her plumbing and her fences and her light bulbs would all be operational. She, .. she might would wither away .. and be nothing but a whisper of a human existing .. but her fix it chores would be spoken to.
Left to her daughter's care . she'd be dressed and ready every morning and whisked off to this and that specialist and poked and prodded and procedured ... to the ends of the earth, all while her daughter spins the 40 plates in the air at all times.
Over here, you have the DIL .. (me) ... approach of ... "yes, offer options .. she doesn't want them, drop it .. period, and hammer home to her, .. continually .. you don't wanna go to your daughter's .. I get it .. it's getting to be too much to handle .. all of it, your dog, your house, .. all of it ... your health ... I get it, I hear ya .. so ... let's go look at some AL's .. and no you probably won't be happiest .. because you don't have the funds to set yourself up in a posh setting where all your needs will be catered to at every turn .. but you also won't be subject to lack of transport to docs .. .subject to a daughter that wants to drag you from pillar to post, a home you can no longer manage, ............ reality MIL, reality!
:-)
It's not lack of empathy you have trouble with, it's too much. Stop putting yourself in their shoes!
Sure DH YOU can get plane ticket, paperwork for pooch, travel docs, MIL packed, MIL ready on day of storm in time to get to airport, drive to airport with hundreds of folks also trying to get there. Then you get her inside and checked in, transport to gate, then on plane. All while trying to run your business. Dorker, because you always did it all behind the caregiver curtain in Oz, DH really does not understand what is involved in last minute trip prep. If MIL can’t manage trip in town to bbq in PJs, no way last minute to airport can happen. Facts, not I feel or you can’t. Contractor task list. DH doesn’t wanna. MIL doesn’t wanna. SIL doesn’t wanna or it would have happened, she can nag dog food but not plane or safe location? Let it alone. The only way to win is not to play. Nothing will change until next hospital stay or she does not reopen eyes. Hugs.
I think you help MIL to have one day of normalcy. And that's about all you can do now, or else you'll be drawn back into the fray. I admire you for that!
You're doing the right thing by being VERY supportive of the short term move to IL. I wouldn't even discuss it with MIL or SIL. Do what you can to make sure this happens. DH's idea of plopping mom onto a plane as a last minute gesture is SO dumb. Did you just look at him and shake your head?
There needs to be a ticket purchased, like, yesterday. There needs to be a plan to get the dog on the plane with a LEGITIMATE service dog paperwork in order. Then there needs to be a small bag packed with freshly ironed pjs and one "going out" outfit. Then she needs to GO, already.
Too much planning--good grief, she goes to visit SIL and has to have a personal physician?? Your comment about just using an Urgent Care is perfect! IF she needs more care, they'll see to it.
One thing I don't get---the things like warts on her ear--if she desperately wants to go to the cloud in the sky, why fuss anything at this point? Just deal with the stuff like UTI's and flu--and quit the constant running to and from, from this specialist to that one. She's 88--stuff HAPPENS!!
Oh well--I feel for you so much. This has probably given you the most massive headaches. You can see clearly what needs to happen and you're chomping at the bit to get it DONE and DH and SIL are wringing their hands and hemming and hawing. WHY MIL won't appoint a POA is just beyond me! Such a slap in the face to her kids. And not planning for EOL situations is simply cruel to everyone.
Your story so mimics my MIL and her kids it's sometimes hard to read. One thing. though, I am 99% out of the picture, by her choice, and that's just fine. They even have an older brother who is not in the picture at all.
Glad you had a pleasant Thursday. Best you can hope for. You're doing a great job being in the picture and yet, not IN the picture.
More people die AFTER the storm during some brutal conditions that elderly people can’t tolerate. (TRUTH)
It’s not so much the storm it’s contaminated water, air, no shelter, no electricity, hot weather. It’s HELL.
I’ve gone through Hurricane Donna; Hurricane Betsy; Hurricane Andrew; Hurricane Katrina and the aftermath. I’m too old and fragile now. I’d hope to drown in the storm. I can’t think of a better death.
Imagine .... the power is out, .. has been .. and it gets dark at night, other than the flashlight you can hold in your hand to navigate around .. and/or ... you have the generator running to power a few lamps around the house for illumination .. but .. that means cords outstretched to power those lamps. It's hot .. and humid .. you have fans going .. but that only pushes around hot/humid air .. and that too entails cords outstretched and laying around in every direction.
Now you have in the middle of all that, an 88 yo ... on a walker, trying to navigate around and not trip on the cords all in the way .. and take care of her precious little doggie that means more to her than the air she breathes. She can't easily get outside to let him out, as doing so, she has a step to get down to get outside to do it .. so someone has to do that for her, ... and the dog has to go outside frequently, he's old. She can't get out into the den ... where we all seem to congregate .. not easily .. there's step to get down to get into the den ... she can't get around to fix her own food .. because she has to hold onto the walker, or she'll fall .. it's hot and humid. The bed you have for her, .. she complains she slid off it, sitting on the edge of it, and fell and hit her head .... because it's "too soft". There's a chair in there in that bedroom, but it's too low .. she can't get down that low to sit .. and then get back up from that low of a seat. In fact, all of my house .. the seating is what is normal for most folks . but for her, .. none of it suitable, as in she has to have help to get back up from anything she sits on here ... too low (it's normal for the rest of us, but she can't get down .. without falling .. no muscle strength) .. she can't get back up without help. The toilet in the bathroom she uses, a standard height. But not high enough for her, so accommodation has to be set up in that one toilet so that she an utilize it. No ADA shower here for her, so .. spit baths .. is all she can hope for.
This place is not suitable for her. Nor is it suitable that I weather taking care of her, in those conditions.
She NEEDS to go to IL. She will be safely tucked away from any of that peril that may or may not even come to fruition.
Ahhh, but all the lamenting .... "I just don't want to have to do this ... that daughter of mine will want to drag me from pillar to post to doctors in every direction and I'm just not able to do it". Or the other lament .. "I just don't want to have to leave my home, my home is where I'm most comfortable ... it's perfectly set up for me, everything on one level .. and grab bars where I need them, and toilet accommodations and I can get around in my home just fine ... and I have all my things here ..."
I remember the lasts one that blew through here last year. And SIL lamenting that MIL doesn't want to evacuate and come over here, she wants to stay home and weather it at home. To quote SIL: "Her neighbors aren't leaving . they're staying there".
Her neighbors are able bodied, ..and able to navigate and drive and do the things they need to do to take care of themselves .... they are MUCH MUCH younger and agile .. and .. if the worst happens .. and a tree or five fall in the roadway and make it impassable to leave .. these neighbors you speak of .. they can "WALK" to the other side of these fallen trees and call a cab to leave the area if that becomes necessary .. or have a relative pick them up . . on foot. She can't do that!
Her daughter lives in some altered universe where all is pie in the sky .. as long as MIL is happy.
Yes, let's just leave her there .. sure, no problem. She has no power, no one does .. and she has no generator, nor could she man the thing if she did .. she has windows that are old and don't open to offer any ventilation .. no generator to power any fans .. no way to power any lights ... and so will have to hold onto a flashlight along with her walker that she ever so slowly traverses around with.
GAWD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Talking with SIL yesterday. I usually try at all costs not to talk to her, it's an exercise in futility most of the time, and frustrates/confounds me. But this time, I guess I felt up for the fight.
She called, .. turns out .. to thank me for visiting her mom (not just a text, a phone call) .. and all that I'd done for her (I hadn't done anything extraordinary). But since I had her on the phone I posed the following: "I can't believe that neither of you, nor MIL has approached the topic of the HCPOA or the Living Will, .. that seems to be on her mind wanting to get that all in order, I talked to her about it, told her she's gonna have to get with you guys, her offspring .. she says she hasn't done it .. talked to you guys and told both of you that you need to be talking to her about it, hasn't happened ... she keeps bringing this up when I'm with her, even asking me if I'll take on the task .... I can't do it, I'm not her next of kin ... and I told her that. I don't know what you guys are waiting for ... I guess .. when she's laying in a hospital bed w/tubes and hoses coming out of every oriface .. maybe then it will dawn on you two that you should've taken this on because neither of you will be able to speak on her behalf at all.
SIL's response: "I guess I just kinda figure it's something we need to look into when I'm there, is that something that can be addressed with her there, and me not there?"
She goes on to say: "Wonder where her 5 Wishes is?".
Me: "5 Wishes?, what's that".
SIL: "It's a legal document that says what kinda care you want, and by whom .. and that kinda thing, hang on I'll send a copy to your email, gimmie a second here".
Next thing ya know these 5 Wishes document pops up in my email, I look at it (blank copy) ..
Dialogue on that, as I review it in my email, PDF doc.
SIL stating that she has one, she and her husband both have completed one ..and that she knows MIL has one ... done several years back .. wonders where that is, and why she is now on this page of what she does and doesn't have. I asked SIL, that'd be a good question for you to bring up this whole topic and get this all put to bed if it's in fact what's needed. As I continue reviewing what she's sent to me.
I read, it and it says in it that it's legal and recognized in 42 states .. FL being one of those states .. and it goes on from there, to have blank spaces where one can designate the care they want, and whom to designate as to the voice in that care, so on and so forth.
I have no idea, I'm not an atty ... and I said so to SIL. How old is this document, .. how old can it be before it's no longer going to be acknowledged, .. does it need updating, where is it, is MIL even aware she's completed such a document .. is it legal ...
I'm not an atty, I don't know the answers.
SIL then goes into lamenting that she hates it for her mom that she is so dreading having to leave her home and come there. That she tries not take it personal. She knows, it's hard for her mom .. her mom's house perfectly set up for her .. her and her dog and the dog's things and her things .. and that she is so dreading this .. and it's going to be so hard for her.
I then said to SIL: "Part of what is causing her anguish is the knowledge that you will want to drag her around to docs in every direction .. SIL she is past all that, and has turned that page .......... she keeps talking to me about not wanting all that and I keep telling her she has got to get with you two on it, that I'm not in charge of all that .. but that she needs to sit the both of you down and get both of you on that page . you and your brother. She keeps talking about, at this point in her life, .. all the poking and prodding and tests and procedures .. she's past it, it's more than she can do, more than she wants to do, more than she's able to do".
SIL: "I don't do that .. I let her take the lead .. if she wants to be seen .. then I let her tell me".
Me: "No ... no you don't .... look no damn further than the stress test you dragged her too last time you were here .. a stress test that damn near killed her. What was the damn point in doing that to begin with .. so they find something wrong, there's not a damn thing they can do about anything wrong with her, in her state .. why put her through that?". Right now, .. she says you're working to get her seen at your PCP when she gets there . so that she can be established as a patient there, .. she's not stupid ......... she knows that will then come with recommendation to go see a cardio, to go see a neuro .. a dermo ... on and on it goes .. and she's not doing it .. why are you even doing that ..........??!?!?!....... she doesn't need to be set up as an "ESTABLISHED" patient at any doc's office. She gets sick, you go to the Urgent Care of an outpatient ER like we have done here .. it's not that big a thing .. she doesn't wanna be dragged around to doctors in every direction SIL ... that's what she tells me ... and I urge her to talk to you guys about it .. she says she does .. she tells you that, but you don't HEAR her .. that you're all about "but mother, but mother ...". You say you want her to be "happy" ... well part of that is LISTEN TO HER ................. she doens't wanna do all that ........ so stop it, why are you trying to get her worked in at your PCP ............ that's so unnecessary. Hell SIL you were here for 4 months taking care of her when she fell, you didn't go to her PCP and establish yourself as a patient. In fact, when you were here, you got a UTI yourself and went to the Urgent Care place around the corner from her home and got an rx and that was that, .. why is it you think she somehow needs to be established at your PCP up there, ... unless it's so you can then drag her around to specialists all where you live, .. which is senseless and not anything she wants to do.
SIL: "well...... we have an appt tomorrow for B (her husband) at the PCP and I'm gonna talk to him more about it tomorrow .. but I called their office and asked them, ..talked to one of the folks in the front office, .. hey my mom is gonna be coming here to spend some time with me, if I need her seen there, .. if she gets sick, will that be a problem?", and they told me that in order for their group to see her, she'd have to be an established patient, .. to establish her as a patient there, they'll have to do an annual physical type thing, which will entail things like, a urinalysis .. her weight, her BP, an EKG ... so forth .. so I thought, .. ya know, just to get her established there .. It's not my requirement, ..... it's theirs .. that's how they do things. I"m going to talk to the doc myself, when we see him and see if he can cut thru that red tape for me, and maybe not have to "establish" her as a patient there and have her have to come in and submit to a physical .. if he'll just see her, in the event she gets ill while here .. without all that, but I don't know what he'll tell me".
Me: "Well there ya go, first problem there, they're gonna want to do an EKG as part of her workup as a physical. That will likely show some abnormalities which they'll then want a cardio doc to follow .. she's not gonna want all that SIL ............. my GOD ... I mean .. when you're here you don't go establish yourself somewhere as a patient .. take her to an Urgent Care if she has an issue .. get an rx .. and be on your damn way .. you don't have to do all that ... you go when you're here, if you have an issue, .. you went one time for some mysterious bite on your arm after you'd done some yard work .. and had them look at it .. you went to the urgent care, .. you went when you had a UTI when you were here ... they dealt with it, .. and done . why do you feel like you need to drag her around to docs and make her miserable, that's part of what she dreads in uprooting to go there .. just stop it .......
SIL: "Well .. I've always heard that going to those Urgent Care places can be suspect .. particularly if you have a whole host of other issues .. I dunno .. I don't have all the health issues she does .. so I mean for me, it's okay".
Me: "Yea I wouldn't send her to one of those on her own .. simply because they're gonna have her an Ipad to complete her medical history and answer questions .. and that thing would end up in a trash can somewhere .. her unable to navigate it and .. answer .. thoroughly as to what her health history is .. but you'd be with her, . you can handle that .. and take care of it, .. I just .. I know from spending time with her, that is one of the first things foremost in her mind .. and she says she tells you that, but you don't "hear her" .. that you want her seen at your PCP to establish as a patient there, and that you're gonna be dragging her around to doctors in every direction and she doesn't want that. I don't understand why you guys can talk about whether to hire out ironing for PJ's but you can't talk about this important chit ........ it confounds me SIL.
SIL: I hear her .. yes .. and I do let her take the lead on what she wants and doesn't want ... I mean, she says she has this or that ache or pain and I ask her if she wants to go to the doc .. yes .. she does .. maybe .. sometimes .. maybe not .. like right now with that rib pain .. she keeps questioning me, .. do you think that maybe it could be that hiatal hernia .. do you think that maybe it's just injured from that fall ............. hell I'm not a doctor, .. I don't know and I tell her that .. and ask her if she wants to be seen, and no she doesn't .. so I leave it alone . but she keeps talking about .. could it be this, could it be that ... I don't know, .. the only thing I say to her, is that I'm not a doctor .. if she wants to get it looked at she needs to go to the doc .. and she doesn't seem to wanna do that .. so I don't push her. When I was there, and that place on her leg came back as a skin cancer and I asked her, does she want to have it dealt with and she did .. so we did it. I don't drag her around to all these things she doesn't want .. I let her take the lead in it . if she wants to we go ...
I said to SIL: "I think sometimes her mental acuity isn't what it should be, I mean somewhere along the line a stress test was ordered up .. were you there ...???.....did you ask her, .. now mother do you really want to do that, .. let me explain to you .. should they find anything wrong . there's not a lot that can be done about it .. did you explain that to her.
SIL: "Well yes I was with her, and the cardio said .. she hadnt' had one in like 5 years ..and so they wanted that done .. and I don't think either of us thought it would turn out to be the nightmare it did .. so no I didn't question it. But she said after that stress test, she'll never do another one .. and so I'm aware of that, any cardio that pushes for that, I'll speak up and remind her of that and question if she wants to proceed".
So I don't know ... as was said here, I can't solve all this nor should there be any expectation that I should. I simply put it out there in conversation with SIL. Does SIL let her take the lead and not push her mom? No, not in my opinion .. she does do as MIl says, "but mother ..".
Can I fix it? Hell no, not even gonna try. I have suggested the only viable option which is that they all sit down and make a plan. Absent their ability/willingness .. nothing I can do or say.
SIL talked some on the topic that her mother laments .. frequently .. that it's getting harder and harder to manage .. that she just struggles so .. between her house, her dog and her own health .. it's getting to be more than she can do. And her mom sharing with her, that different folks land at her house, be that MOW drivers, be that the alarm guy .. be that the church lady .. whoever it is .. and they with all their surprise .. chagrin almost that she in her feeble state lives alone .. and all this worry on their parts as to how she manages, and does she have anyone that looks after her and helps her ... and that she shouldn't be living alone.
SIL talking on that .. and that it makes her feel bad, like she is somehow responsible for that, ... that folks look at her askance .. that she would leave her mom in that position.
My response: "I will tell her, and I do ... that she can always consider AL ... now it's not gonna be the set up she'd like .. she can't afford that .. she'll likely have a shared room with God knows what .. as a room mate .. and I KNOW she would hate that, she doesn't wanna hear a damn thing about an AL ... but .. if she finds it harder and harder to manage and all that remark that she shouldn't be living alone .. an AL .. is an option where she doesn't have to worry with all it takes to manage ... the only other option is that she go to your home .. where you've said you'll take her . the other option she doesn't want.
SIL, I just hate it for her, I know she wishes she could just go on to that cloud in the sky rather than deal with all this .. and I wish I could make it better for her, .. but .. it's almost like she would like to come out and say it, but she stops short .. that she wishes I'd move down there, .. so she wouldn't have to leave her things, her house .. her perfectly set up for her house .. but I can't do that .. all of B's healthcare and he has all kinds of issues too .. it's all here .. and I can't ask that he uproot and find all new doctors and I like where I live .. I don't want to leave ... I hate it for her ..
Me: Well .. until you guys sit down and put your heads together, which doesn't seem like any of you are willing to do .. I will go on Thursdays and do what I can for her in that limited time .. and outside of that, it's a precarious situation at best ..and one that isn't getting adequately addressed but there's not a damn thing I can do anything about".
Left it that she's to talk to her PCP to see if she really has to do this "establishing as a patient thing" or not and that was pretty much the end of it.
Haven't even gone there in talking with DH .. no point. Probably no point in even talking to SIL about any of it.
I'm just kinda over it at this point. Yea yea yea .. we know you don't wanna have to uproot from your home and your things and your dog's things .. got it .. heard you the first 100 x's you said it .
Yea yea yea SIL I hear ya, you hate it for her .. heard you also the first 100 x's you said it.
Moving on.
Have a dance recital for 4 yo this afternoon and looking forward to that, and the 1st year bday party tomorrow for the twins .. and outside of that, .. putting all this on a shelf and will look at it again . later.
Well.....with one exception, I feel. If Dorker scoots out-of-state to shelter with her mother & stepdad, then MIL is more than welcome to stumble and whine her way through a stay at Chez Dorker. With MIL’s golden-ish son hosting and aiding and fetching. Family first!
My MIL & FIL have canceled plans to attend wedding. MIL spoke to hubs yesterday and said she had called bride this week and said that they just would not be able to come.
Too far to drive alone with no help. (Yup which is why I stood firm and declined).
No one to help with “things” when they got there (yup no spend money to hire does not require me to help)
If something happens to FIL, she can only be gone 3 days from skilled nursing facility under Medicaid rules (yup I mentioned that to hubs and MIL confirmed that unlimited overnight visits didn’t mean unlimited duration) and she couldn’t stay with FIL
The outside venue is too much for them to handle without help (again you can hire)
Capper? We think it’s too much to ask R my husband to help them alone and since I have job and aren’t going....
Dorker, MIL lives alone by choice. She refuses more help by choice. She delights in pot stirring with tales of woe and others concern to twist SIL and DH with watchers. If urgent care hastens demise, isn’t that MIL request? MIL wants SIL to move down and care in place without BIL as skivvy. Dorker, you stepped away just in time. MIL would eat her young metaphorically to get her way. Sad.
Yep, we all feel bad that MIL doesn't have the life she wants. She's not happy. But she's NEVER going to be so.
Sad, b/c she is one of the most pampered people on the planet.
You're great, Dorker, to stay in the midst of this sick dynamic. Wishing for positive changes for you--knowing that likely there won't be any until something traumatic happens.
Enjoy the babies' birthday!
On that same wavelength and a *chess* move .. if you wanna call it that, I guess.
Talking with DH some. As we all know, my plan .. as to hurricanes and such ... if it's bad enough (and that's subjective ... what I consider bad, may not be what others would consider bad enough), I'm outta here. My mom knows to leave the light on for me, in SC, I'll be there.
We also know that DH ... it would have to be a category of storm that is biblical in proportions .. for him to consider leaving.
It was interesting, a bit, in talking on the phone with SIL .. and the whole topic of MIL having to leave ... and NOT WANTING TO GO ............ we all know .. she doesn't wanna go, it's been hammered home, every time you talk to her.
At first .. forever, it was a "now I know what I have to do here, and I will do it, I will manage" .. was her approach to life in general, .. and also extended to weathering storms.
I think she saw .. when she sheltered here last time, .. that mentality of "I will manage ...", .. it didn't serve her too well, ... as Dorker let her eat/breath/live it and was not at her elbow to serve she and her doggie.
Haven't heard that particular strain for quite a while now, "I know what I need to do here, and I will manage". Not about life in general .. nor about any storm threat .. just hasn't been mentioned that whole "Now I know what I need to do here, and I will do it, I will manage". Doesn't seem that particular statement comes up anymore.
It probably was hard for her to manage ... out of her element and her things and her comfort level of her home that is perfectly set up for her. Over here, where there is a step to get outside, a step down to get into the den .. so forth. For many reasons ... "managing" here, was probably more difficult than being at her own home.
But ...........
Staying in her own home, .... to weather such an event, is an exercise in stupidity .. for reasons named here. That's an option that is beyond ignorant, to even think that should be open for discussion.
She knows, coming here .. to our home .... Dorker .. she's already said, she's heading for high ground, won't be here. That's been established, everyone knows it.
With that established, along with the whole ... dilemma that hangs in the air constantly that SHE DOESN'T WANNA HAVE TO DO THIS ...........
It was interesting talking to SIL the other day on the phone and that whole topic on the table. SIL lamenting how much her mom does not want to uproot and leave the comfort of her home, where it's perfectly set up for her ...
SIL asking me, "... so if another one comes that way .. you're going to your mom's?".
Answer given: "you betcha .. not gonna do that again ....".
It occurred to me, at least, after the fact .. not while I was on the phone with SIL ... I should've prefaced that, ... I'm not a chicken little that runs if the sky is falling everytime. I too have been in FL all my life and some of these things .. they are no worse than the thunder storms that happen daily and I don't intend to trek 7 hours up the country for what is predicted to be no worse than what occurs here routinely in just a bad thunderstorm. If it's not predicted to be too bad .. I won't leave .. don't wanna make that trip and all the trouble .. for something that isn't all that threatening.
Basically, I want the latitude to decide for myself what I consider threatening enough that I'm going.
I didn't leave that impression with SIL, she was only left with, "you betcha, I'm outta here".
Somehow in my own mind .. I think .. there is a thread of (underlying all this) .. MIL .. if she thinks there is any thread of a chance that she can get outta this .. going to IL ... by saying .. she will just stay here and hunker at our house if she has to (even though she said herself .. that she will never come here again) ... if she thinks .. there's even a slight chance that hunkering here, will get her outta having to go IL .. she will stay here and dig in her heels.
I think SIL thinks that an option also .. I mean afterall, .. H has said he aint goin no damn where ... he'll be there .. he won't be leaving. Sure Dorker is outta there .. but he has said he AINT going no damn where, he's not leaving ... so he'll be there .. if the absolute worst comes to pass .. we won't have to worry about mother, .. DH will be there. He can take mother in and go get her and her dog packed up and loaded up and brought to his house and he can look after her.
I don't happen to want that as an option open for any of this.
I realize I cannot control any of these people, and I can only control what I allow myself to be subject to. I've got that, thus my plan that I'll be gone .. if need be.
BUT .........
It occurred to me, that if they think DH will be here no matter what .. then the door is cracked open a little wider to any possibility of not having to vacate for IL for any period of time ... that door is cracked open just enough that there is *coverage* if she wants to dig in her heels and refuse to leave for IL to be at her daughter's.
In the end, that's kinda .. it's really pretty ridiculous .. as I'm here to tell ya ... you think I wasn't at her elbow to service she and her dog, .. her son is even less so ... he is out in his office, doing paperwork, he's out in the yard doing something, he's on the phone with somebody .. he's busying himself with "other things" .. and so he is REALLY REALLY not at MIL's elbow. So for anyone to think he will be here, to be at her elbow to service her dog and she .. and make sure they are looked after as to every breath they take ... is superfluous at best. But ... just ask MIL .. she doesn't need anyone at her elbow .. she will be fine .. now don't worry with her, ... (but yet she got all offended when she hunkered here last time, because Dorker wasn't at the ready for her every whim).
Where was her son, that he wasn't at her elbow at her every whim? Doing what I describe above. Sure he'd help .. but you have to literally go hunt him down from wherever he is .. "hey your mom needs a sandwich .. can you put that paperwork down and come get her a sandwich", he doesn't just think to himself, ... "gee, it's lunch time .. mom might be ready for a sandwich", as I used to do. He doesn't just think to himself, "gee I haven't seen anybody get the dog out in a while, maybe I better go check on that, and let the dog out, check his water bowl see if it needs filling".
That kinda stuff doesn't even dawn on him ... it used to with me, and I'd be four steps in front of need/whim ... (not this last time I purposely didn't do any of that).
So .. the point being .. for anyone to assume he'd be the end-all-be-all as to need/whim and sheltering his mom here and being at her elbow . is about as ridiculous a notion as one can conjure .. he simply isn't gonna be four steps in front of need ... one would have to literally go find him .. to answer to need/whim. She'd be .. as she was when I backed off this last time, on her own .... pretty much ..
Interesting he didn't get blamed .. for this supposed "rude" treatment.
As we know, for DH and for his sister, in the end, it's all about what makes mother happy. We know it makes her very unhappy, this whole notion of having to evacuate to her daughter's home for any period of time . and so in the end .. if she thinks, in fact, if her daughter thinks, there's even a glimmer of a crack of light through that open door that she can stay here and not have to leave . because .. in the end .. H will be here, he's not leaving ... I don't have to go anywhere, H has said he's not leaving, .. he's not going anywhere, he'll be there, if worse come to worse, .. I'll just go stay with H .. Dorker won't be there, but H will .. I'll just go stay at their house and H will help me.
Well there you'll have it .. her "out" to not have to leave .. there you have it, there's that crack in the door, a glimmer of light as to how she can dig in and not have to leave ...
It was interesting to me that SIL asked me that again .. that I'm not gonna be here .. going to my mom's. It's almost like she too is looking for that "out". If she can give her mom a glimmer of hope that she doesn't have to leave ....
So this morning, talking to DH about it all,
Me: "Look .. your mom does not need to be here during hurricane season .. hell DH she can't even get her clothes on and get dressed to be brought here for a bday party .. she can't even do that much ... it's too much for her to manage ... you forget .. blind to it all, I don't know .. I mean .. she comes here, .. and shelters here, but she can't get around easily, the steps down to get outside, the step down to get into the den, the step up to get into the rest of the house .. it's all too much, the bed that's too soft and she falls off it .. the seating that isn't appropriate ..the toilet that's too low for her .. the cords outstretched in every damn direction, trip hazards, the dog she can't adequately see about without our help ... she needs to be gone ......... and safely in IL ......... they all know .. if it gets bad enough, I'm outta here, I'm going to my mom's ... but they also know you aren't .. no matter what . you aren't leaving .. that it would have to be of biblical proportion bad for you to leave .. they know that .. so they think there is a light of a glimmer of hope that she doesn't have to leave . why ...???....because in the end, you'll be here, you aren't leaving .. so she'll just have you to look after her .. so I'm gonna be telling a little therapeutic fib here .. to all involved .. I know it's not true, and it doesn't have to be the case, but don't you go undermine what it is I say to them .. and that is this .. "oh I've talked to DH about it all, and he too, if I feel like we have to leave, he too will be going also".
He kinda shook his head no .. as in ... it's all really pretty preposterous .. as ... he isn't leaving .. and I know that ... and I wouldn't either, if it's not to be really bad .. but .. for anyone to think that he will run like a scared little bird .. from a storm .. it's a really pretty preposterous notion .. because he's not gonna.
Me: I know that, and you know that, but a therapeutic fib isn't gonna hurt anything .. DH you have said yourself .. not specifically about storms .. though you have mentioned it, that she needs to go and spend some time up in IL with your sister and .. you not have to be at the beckon call of her house maintenance .. and need .. that you just wish she'd go up there for a while .. she NEEDS to, why is it always on your sister to uproot and come this way .. why can't your mom uproot and go that way for a while, it's selfish of her to always insist that her help be at her home .. and in her way .. she needs to go .. I know that you aren't leaving and you know that, but they don't have to believe that to be the case ... as far as they'll know .. you too are going to be leaving .. that will close that door of any opportunity or at least close it a little more, .. to dig in her heels and insist on staying here. If your sister thinks that your mom will be on her own, entirely .. no one here to look after her at all, she'll be more prone to not cave in and let your mom call the shots .. she thinks she has a glimmer of somehow to stay here, because you'll be here. I want them to think that won't be the case ..and make their decisions based on that fact ... I know you aren't leaving, you know that .. but they don't have to know that, and I don't want you undermining my efforts and telling them, "oh Dorker is just full of it .. I'm not going anywhere, don't you do that .. you go along with what I'm saying".
At that point he only responded: "yes, she does need to go and go spend some time in IL .. but you know, you're the catalyst to all this .. it doesn't matter to any of us, it's you spearheading all this and we all know it .. you're the one that wants her outta here. What we need is that all the damn storms/hurricanes stay the hell away from here, and she can just stay put and not have to to do this".
Me: And what frogs need is wings, so they can fly. But that aint happening .. you're right, I'm' the damn catalyst spear heading this, it should be you and your sister but you guys care more for her happiness than her safety. Myself .. I know what it takes to look after her .. you aren't the one doing it, you're busying yourself with other things around here, .. this last time I didn't walk around at her elbow and anticipate her every need ... and she came away from the whole thing with a sense that she was treated rudely . she's not my mom and I shouldn't have to do all it takes to keep it propped up .. well the only way around that is if she is in her daughter's home away from any possible storm and peril ... but she's trying to dig in her heels and refuse to go .. or seemingly so .. and if she and your sister think there's any glimmer of hope of not having to do this .. it's surely in the knowledge that no matter what, you'll be here to look after her, and go get her packed and bring her here and stay one step ahead of need/whim .. they need to think that's not an option .. so I will be telling a therapeutic fib here .. to make them believe that indeed you too will be gone. Maybe that will spur them on to do what they NEED TO DO .. both of them.
So we will see where this chess move takes all of us. I plan to just drop that little tidbit of info out there .. and make it .. at least it's thought .. that DH will also be leaving for higher ground, in my car with me, and there will be no one here, in this household to batten down the hatches and mind the store ..
Just .. in the end .. I find it kinda frustrating .. that what I do .. and what moves I make, are going to .. in the end .. be kinda dependent upon what MIL does. That frustrates me.
Let's say that they think that DH will be here, no matter what ... (and that is the case) .. let's say a storm does begin to brew up out there .. and it begins to look a little perilous in our direction ... I may want to make the call for myself and my own want for what I want to weather, .. to stay here or not . but you can bet if it comes at the cost of again, sheltering MIL and her dog .. that will be a spur in my backside to head out, where I might otherwise choose to not have to do so. It frustrates me that her moves .. and what she will and won't do, will then be a catalyst .. as to what I might otherwise decide to do for myself and my own comfort level. In other words, if staying here to weather a storm ... if it come at the cost .. of having to now have a feeble 88 yo and dog in my hair to deal with, well .. I'm gonna go, .. where I might otherwise decide I don't have to do that. That frustrates me, that I have to make my decisions as to what I will and won't do, based on what she does. It shouldn't be that way .. she needs to stop being so selfish (we have sheltered her here numerous times through the years, it's not like I always refused her presence here and always was less than helpful) .. she needs to go .. and be where she is safe from it all .. but her digging in her heels .. then .. it lands on me, to figure out what I'll do as to my own comfort level .. and that isn't fair. The fact that her offspring won't do in their heels just as hard in the opposing direction ... frustrates me, .. it's all about her happiness .. in the end. What about what makes ME HAPPY? It might make me happy to NOT have to hop in the the car and drive 7 hours away .. depending on the situation .. but that's precisely what choice I'd make if it meant sheltering MIL and her dog again.
So we will see, what this chess move ends in.
DH said he won't undermine what I say .. he won't flat out lie .. but he won't undermine what I have to say about it.
Team Myopia believes that YOU, Dorker, are the problem. Your husband said as much.
Meanwhile, SIL extended the invitation to take in Big Mama. At least a year ago, eh? And SIL has repeated her offer numerous times.
Yet the family’s interpretation of all this is that DORKER is the problem??
Screw them all.
This is the price you pay for being a truth-teller, Dorker. My heart goes out to you.
You did the right thing in deed and spirit and suggestion — for years. But you had the audacity to look more than 5 minutes into the future. Along with the unpardonable sin of demonstrating that your brain works.
Dorker, I am truly sorry that your support system is basically non-existent. Well, “conditional.” At best.
If there’s a silver lining, it’s this: Do what you need to do —and travel to SC as often YOU see fit
— to get a genuine sense of where your mother REALLY IS with aging and all its nuances.
As you know all too well, you cannot rely on a proud elder’s self-reporting.
The dog food can wait. And DH can watch a YouTube tutorial, to learn how to plug a few numbers into Quicken Books in your absence.
((((big hugs))))
This is DORKER'S Fault? She wants MIL GONE?
I think, dear Dorker, that what you want, is MIL SAFE.
What her kids want is MIL happy.
So you know what, D. Visit once a week. Take her lunch, get her groceries. Sweep her deck.
Anything else, just say, Oh, I'm so sorry, you're going to have to ask Mr. Dorker or SIL aobut getting that done.
Quit worrying about her health. She's happy, right? If she can make a doc appointment for herself, for a Thursday, and get ready in time, on her own, take her.
DON"T go back and listen to what she's telling the doc. You don't have the standing.
I know that in the past, I've pushed you to be a little more invested in MIL"s health. If I say ANYTHING about that again, just tell me to shut up.
Let her be happy. Let her stay. Let her float out to sea on the waters of Hurricane Zenobia. And if DH dies trying to rescue her, well, that's his problem, isn't it?
So I wasn't crazy to read into Dorker's post that she is the scapegoat in this whole mess....ironic of course b/c she's the ONLY sane one!
WTH? "We just need the storms to stay away?" What PLANET is DH from? Yeah, you DO need the storms to not hit land. Duh.
Yep, the door is cracked open a hair..and that's all that they need. Now the plan is in place for MIL to come to your house and DH will care for her--or rather, he is assuming you won't be good on your promises to NOT BE THERE.
In 6 days it will be July. No airline ticket has been purchased. No one has checked to see if poochy's "right to fly" is even legitimate. Let's just stand around and wring our hands some more, shall we? Because that has worked so well in the past!
This whole round and round thing is crazy-ville. I agree with Barb--we all need to stop encouraging you to do a single thing more than Thursday mornings. Forget the fussy vague complaints about this or that pain. IF they were truly that disturbing, MIL would make arrangements to be seen.
If it makes you feel any less alone--my DH is much like yours. He NEEDS to find someone to blame for EVERYTHING that goes 'wrong' and usually it's me. From lost socks to forgetting dr's appts---EVERYTHING is my fault. Gets old.
Stand tough, Dorker. DH is going to have a lovely hurricane season with his mama in residence--and poochy too.
How you can even be polite to all involved is beyond me. You are amazing. I would have smacked DH upside the head years ago....well, all 3 of the stooges, actually.
So sorry. You are so good to stay and keep up the little part of the fence that you do.
Old habits die hard?
I guess, it never occurred to me to waltz away from there (since I was there anyway and her summoning me to look at this place that has suddenly cropped up here from out of nowhere) ... I am the one that called and got that on the books, not MIL. Not having left there, and her instructed to take care of it. In fact, when I called, they said they could see her the next day and I told them no, I can't have her there until next Thursday. So there's that ... at least I didn't bend and flex as to the "when" of what I am doing. But bend and flex as to jumping-to ... to schedule the appt., ... I don't guess in that moment, that it even dawned on me to just leave her with a direction, "now don't forget call your dermo doc ... ".
I probably figured (and rightfully so) it would come with a bunch of hooey about, "well they can only see me on Tuesday .. and then me bouncing it back with "well then find someone to get you there", .. just to avoid all that ... I'll do it.
So that's on the radar. Would she have handled it had I just left her to it? I doubt it. It would've been a "oh I'm just not up to it". And so be it, .. should be anyway.
Old habits ...............ingrained, I suppose. Didn't think that one through clearly, just handled it.
Yes, of course, it's all my fault that she got old and frail and has no one to swoop in and place a safety net under all that she wants to keep her life happy. Boy if hindsight were 20/20 ... I don't think I'd of ever stepped into the whole fray of what it was to manage her as she aged .. I'd of been hands-off to from the jump .. not my mom, sorry guys .. hope it works out for ya'll. Because you see now, to back away .. it's all my fault, .. that poor poor mom is gonna have to uproot now, .. and go to her daughter's (if she will even go, and that's doubtful).
It is indeed all on me, .. as DH said it. I don't think he cares one way or the other. A big storm gets to brewing .. evac orders issued . he'll go out there, load up her's and her dog's things and bring them here .. and dutifully assign himself to the yard, or to phone calls, or estimates he needs to work up .. or whatever else occupies his presence. No skin off his nose if his mom is here in attendance.
If his mom needs something, the dog to be let out .. or let back in, or the water bowl full or ... a sandwich or help getting up from a chair .. she'll just do it herself .. and struggle though .. or wait ... wait til he passes through again. Or ... if Dorker is here, Dorker is at the ready (in the past) .. Dorker will let the dog in/out .. Dorker will go ck the dog's water bowl if I ask her, Dorker will make me a sandwich or get me a drink .. or help me up out of this chair I can't get out of.... (in the past) .. he's nowhere to be seen. Not that he's sitting looking at the backs of his eyelids .. he's just busying himself elsewhere, always. Even when MIL isn't here. He isn't one to just sit idle, usually.
SIL she doesn't care .. of course .. this is all my fault, I'm the lone one that wants her gone. She doesn't care either way. She's offered MIL her home .. the fact MIL drags her heels and stammers and stutters and doesn't wanna go .. neither here nor there to her. When she is here in town .. she does everything but breathe for her mom and then some .. that's her normal .. so if she were here .. in our home, .. she'd be .. like I used to be four steps ahead in anticipating need and getting on it .. before it's even a need.
Yes, in part, it has always been, .. even with regard to possible storms and other eventualities .. about her health/well being and safety for me. But the bigger part, .. at this point is .. I am no longer content to be the stepper and fetcher in chief as to propping up what it takes .. that's the bigger picture for me now. I've long since put it on a shelf about her well being and safety .. her offspring obviously don't concern themselves much with that factor .. and at one time I did .. I no longer really let that specific aspect be the driver in what it is that motivates me in it all.
Very telling as she imparts to her daughter, the concern on the parts of those who land there .. in her hemisphere and that she lives alone .. and how in the world, and who helps you, surely you don't do this all alone... (I can just picture it .. .because it is that bad .. and because that is what is said .. by all who land in her hemisphere, even church lady agrees with me, she shouldn't be living alone). She imparts this info to SIL .. SIL telling me of this info .. and saying of it, "It makes me feel bad, like I"m responsible .. and that I'm being derelict in my duties to see about my mom ...".
My response to that: "It is yours and your brother's responsibility to see about her, and you guys don't push her to do the things that will keep her safer .. her choice, I know .. she doesn't want to leave her home .. but these people that land in her corner of the world and voice this concern are justified in their concern .. she shouldn't be living alone .. ".
SIL .. voicing her disdain over the fact her mom so digs in her heels not wanting to leave there .. to come to her home .. and that she wishes there were some other way .. that she so doesn't want to have to leave.
Me: "There is .. you can come here and stay here during hurricane season .. a storm blows in .. and you can figure out how to get on the damn roads and navigate outta here with her and her dog in tow, .. towards a hotel that is generally speaking hours and hours away .. because they've all booked up for hundreds of miles ... oh and find one that is ADA suitable, as well as pet friendly .. you can do that if you'd like".
What she was really trying to say .. was ... "I wish that you guys would just welcome here there, in the event of a storm .. and that way she'd not have to worry about displacing .. which is so putrid to her, to even have to contemplate".
Notice, that offer was not made.
So yea, it's all my fault. I will gladly take the blame for it.
There is much concern .. on the parts of all who land in her world, as to just how infirm she is and living alone. That then doesn't mean that I have to take her and her dog on .. and shelter them .. and her infirm state of being. I've done it for years and years ... (she wasn't always as bad off as she is now, but has been somewhat immobile and compromised for a number of years). I've done it .. it's not like I'm someone who turned a blind eye to it all, all thru the years.
But trying to impart any of that to these two pie in the sky, Alice in Wonderland sorts who want to "wish" that frogs had wings so they wouldn't bump their b'sides when they jump .. it's futile. They just want to "wish" that there could be another way .. or "wish" that she didn't have to leave her home .. that which makes her so displeased.
I could smack every last one of them upside the head, but wouldn't change a damn thing. They live in some altered state of "wishland".
All the while, there is Dorker over here, living in reality-ville.
My mom .. oh she's in her glory. The serial bride she is (they did get married a few months back, just a simple civil ceremony). They were through here, on their way to the Bahamas about a month or so ago .. and doing just fine. Since then .. they have come back from their Bahama trip .. and gone on home, where her new husband fell and broke his leg. Spent some time in the hospital, some time in Rehab .. is home now, progressing nicely. Mom in her glory .. as long as she has a man to dote upon .. life is sweet, and she has that and then some in her new husband.
Sounds like his grown kids have been a part of things building a ramp to more easily traverse his yard (he's on a walker for now, til he progresses to a cane). They have come and brought meals .. very attentive .. visited almost daily in the hospital and the Rehab site .. and so they are a part of their world .. his kids are. And mom .. she's doing just fine ... doting upon her new husband and being his hand maid. Loving every minute of it.
Yes, I stay and plug the one hole I can plug .. of all the holes in the dyke. I could blow it all sky high and tell them all that I am done with all of them and their selfish b'squeeze and don't look to me to do another damn thing so much as pick up a roll of toilet paper and take it to her. Not one thing. But .. that would only, in the end, hurt me, because .. I do care about this old woman .. she has been a good mother in law through the years .. (as long as I was the dutiful daughter in law I suppose) .. she has been a good g'ma to our daughters when they were younger. I don't feel I can turn away and ignore the entire thing and let the anger of it all consume and dictate my actions or lack thereof. I have to stay engaged, at least some ... to satisfy my own conscience. But that little sliver of being involved, I guess .. gives all hope that Dorker will eventually put back on that stepper fetcher hat and wear it proud.
The fact that Dorker then brings up again . that MIL NEEDS to be gone outta here .. that brings it all into focus again doesn't it, that it's all Dorker's fault. Poor poor MIL.
Let's not look at the fact that DH himself has said as much .. at times. But .. he just is too pansy (I dunno) to push it .. I'm not.
The original plan to take MIL to IL after the royals have departed is not even on the table now? Sounds like SIL has pretty much let you know that's not going to happen--(big surprise) after all the planning....cause it will make MIL unhappy. Oh, the thought she be unhappy for one second! Let's not even entertain the notion!
Honestly, these people.
The short visit to IL was temporary all along. Nobody thought SIL would try and put her in better living conditions. It's a VISIT, not a lifelong transfer. MIL doesn't GET that?
Making that derm apt for her, since it was on your "day" was just fine. And you made it for another day of yours. No biggy. You didn't race her to Urgent Care over it. It kinda makes the day a waste of time & energy, but that's MIL's call.
Your DH's behavior is pretty common. When she arrives at your house (and you're gone) and DH is busily ignoring her, and she's miserable--MAYBE then he'll have his epiphany that his mother needs to be in a better living condition. Maybe he'll actually DO something. One can only hope at this point.
I keep expecting her to have a major fall again--it's about time for one. (Sorry, I am in a snarky mood and I am feeling so bad for you. You do SO MUCH and people just don't get it.) I'm the same way--knock myself senseless in service to my kids or hubby and they simply EXPECT that I will always just be thrilled to keep on doing it. And trust me, not ONE LIVING SOUL cares if I am "happy".
Keep tough. And loving. B/c your love for all these people shines through even in your deep frustration.
If MIL moves to SIL’s area, and something happens to her, DH will blame Dorker. She is the ‘catalyst’. Everything was fine and dandy before she started all this shenanigans. Beware of the fallout.
And MIL had a key role in the family when your girls were young. It’s fitting for you to honor that — with your Thursday gig. Even tho the old bird can be exasperating!
As for the ripple effects.....that’s life with flawed human beings, innit? It’s complex. Much more complicated than my previous rant allowed for.
Might wanna amp up your therapist time? Just a thought.
Again, BIG HUGS. You have done (and continue to do) a mostly thankless job with the utmost grace. 💗
I'm the one that doesn't do well absent my creature comforts (spoiled?). I'm the one that gets frightened .. windows all boarded up, can't see outside, .. and the howling of the wind, and hearing things go flying and slam into other things .. but what is it, was that a tree, or a garbage can lid that flew off somewhere ... I'm the one that doesn't do well with it all.
Seems so stupid to even get as much as a little concerned .. over something that may or may not even be an issue again, for years to come. Just stupid and senseless.
But .. for me, .. when you factor in .. all that entails weathering one of these events, then throw in the care of a feeble MIL and her aging dog .. and all that entails .. maybe that's, in part, what amps up my own uneasiness about it all. But DH leave ...??...... evacuate, .. nah .. that aint gonna happen. And they know that just as well as I do about him.
They'd probably throw the dice and gamble that he in fact doesn't leave, and they'd win that bet. Because he's not prone to do so. Thus, .. her staying here .. on the gamble she wouldn't, in the end, be completely on her own .. she'd win that bet.
For me, it's bad enough just to weather and hunker down and get through one of those events. Throw into the mix the care of an aging feeble MIL and her dog .. for me, it's over .. I'm out.
Just .. stuff that goes on, ...
The other day when I was there, I was telling MIL a little story .. something or other about the g'kids .. and said to her just in passing, "Get DD to tell you about it when you talk to her". That was met with MIL saying, "DD?!?!?......DD doesn't call me. I don't know when was the last time I heard from her .. she doesn't call me .. in fact, .. I talked to YD the other day but that's only because I haven't heard from her in months and I called her ... DD never calls me".
Found that interesting, only from the respect, at one time .. when there was a blow up here, between DH and myself .. that she was once again, being left here .. and not carted off to IL .. that it was being hurled at me, that there is a "team" now .. and DD has said she'll help (I knew when that was said, it's pointless, ... not only does DD not have the time to help .. being a mom of 3 small kids .. she's also prone to have kids that have sniffles or any other ailments that will cause concern in contagious nature .. bringing them around MIL .. and DD doesn't have the time to even check in and have any conversation at all with MIL). Just .. found that interesting ...
It's like you'd like to say to all involved ... if there was even a glimmer of hope they'd have any clarity and comprehension (they won't) .. "she has no one but me and DH .. that's it .. that is her "team" .. that's the composition of what she has". Me? I have put some firm limits on what my team participation looks like .. and sticking to it .. and DH .. he never was a whole team player and never will be. He will go and fix whatever breaks, but fixing her .. and making sure she's looked after, health-wise . nah .. never was on his radar .. never will be.
And so .. you guys .. you wanna leave her be, because displacing her .. making her uproot .. it will cause her to be SO unhappy .. and in the end, her happiness .. that's what matters ..
Well how happy is she gonna be .. when she has to uproot and come here in the event of another storm .. but this time .. not only is Dorker not at her elbow, Dorker has left the state .. and .. Dorker won't be running out there, to grab her and all her things and her dog's things .. to cart over here. And I can tell ya, DH is not gonna be right at her elbow .. never has been.
In my view, they are all being over-the-top selfish to continue to allow this .. all of them. You don't, at least in MO .. get to be selfish just because you passed some arbitrary age and infirmity status. It doesn't work like that. Why should it be that SIL has to uproot and come this way .. all the time. Why can't she uproot and go to SIL some of the time? She should .. that should be a requirement. Not just for storms .. not just because some storm may or may not kick up .. but just because it's unfair on her part to need the care she does .. but that it has to always come to her.
She hasn't been anywhere out of town in like 7 or 8 years .. and even then .. it was a matter of getting a wheelchair there at the airport, to get her from point A to B .. and checking her luggage for her .. and getting her to the gate .. and waiting with her (had to get a special security pass, to go with her .. past the security check point) .. and then help her to the point at the gate, .. to where they would then take her ticket and help her there forward to get onto the plane and seated. She'd arrive at the other end, to much the same, SIL having gone past security herself to retrieve MIL with a wheelchair to get her from point A to B .. and retrieving her luggage. She hasn't done this .. it's been 7 or 8 years ..
But even then, .. even as far back as 7 or 8 years ago, her infirmities were such that she had to have load of help. It hasn't gotten better, of course .. it's gotten worse.
Yet she is given the latitude to continually sit upon her thrown and direct as to what she will and won't do.
You find you just want to pinch all their heads right off their shoulders, all of them.
You look at, ... when DH blew a momentary gasket .. when his mom called the other day with both toilets plugged .. and him needing to head out there yet again .. having to look after two homes and maintenance thereof .. and him temporarily at least, blowing a gasket. ... you want to say to him, "gee .. ya know .. why don't you just pack up and move in out there, she needs so much .. in fact, quit your job and go be at her beckon call daily .. that's about the only thing that's gonna suffice in the end, cuz GOD knows none of you are ever gonna insist she do anything any differently .. so this calling you to come see about this or that, it's gonna go on and on and on and on .. so .. yea .. why don't you just move in with her .. and ... maybe quit your job to be her chauffeur and her caretaker ... that's what it's gonna take ..
It beats anything I've ever seen. This is what started this whole thread over a year ago. At that time, my beef was the fact that I was expecting the birth of twin g'children here locally and my pleas that she please .. go in the direction of her daughter .. for her care and well being, so that her needs (considerable need) wouldn't land in my corner, at a time when I'm ill equipped to address any of it.
Nothing has changed. Well, .. it has changed in the respect that I am way way way backed off from what I used to do as a part of the whole thing. That part has changed a lot .. but she is still firmly dug in .. if not even more dug in. My lamentations on it all, still go unheard and unaddressed .. and worse .. the dial of blame points back at me.
It's all supremely frustrating to me.
I have no idea if it's now off the table for any consideration that MIL depart for IL. I would think plane fare should've been negotiated by this point if that were going to happen. Hasn't happened. SIL and royalty fly in here this Thursday for their brief stint here locally .. and then the royalty and SIL fly back out .. and she completes her visit with them .. and they return to their royal life in the middle east. She had said, at points along the way in it all, .. that she would then return here .. and help her mom to get organized and packed and so forth .. for their departure to IL. But she's also prefaced that with a need/want to get her own endoscopy and colonoscopy done before her mother comes there .. and some other something .. and so it's been left open ended, as to when (if) this will ever happen.
MIL did say the other day that she thinks it's senseless that SIL will have to return here, after having just been here with her son and crew. That she offered, to her daughter, that she will fly back with all of them .. so that SIL wouldn't have to then return here. But said that SIL didn't want to opt for that plan .. as she felt she wouldn't have the time in this brief visit to get her mom organized and packed .. and .. she will have her focus for the most part on the royal son and his brood .. and .. so . needs to dispense with that .. before returning here to retrieve her mom.
Just as a side note, I did offer, at some point in all of this, over the last several months .. that DH or I, or both .. can also hop on a plane and get her there, if need be .. that was declined in lieu of .. "I think it will be pretty traumatic for her .. I probably need to be there to help her, it's going to be pretty stressful for her .. and I will need to help her to get organized and packed".
I just wanted to scream, "the woman stays in PJ's .. every day of her life .. so you pack enough of her specialty dog food and treats to get you through til an order can be placed, and some PJ's and one outfit to go to the doc .. what the hell else is there to organize .. you go to the Post Office and put in a forward mail request .. and that's it.
No, probably she knows .. buy enough time and enough hoopla over it all and MIL will dig in firmly and refuse to go .. and then .. there ya have it .. no Dorker for God's sake don't go buy plane tix for you guys and get it done yourself, that might mean she actually goes through with it and now she's here .. in my home, .. I'm holding out for a shred of hope that she will refuse to do this .. and if you get on a plane with her, and help make it happen, that hope is dashed .. no .. don't do that.
Meantime I just try to hang onto a shred of sanity in all this b'chit craziness. It's so unfair that this old infirm woman who is the one who needs and needs and needs and needs .. gets to call the shots as to how that need is met .. so unfair. I know, nobody said life was fair. But on some level, .. just seem to me that it's not irrational to expect that her offspring could be a little more reality based and stop with all the "wishland" crap.
Clearly, his picture of what needs to happen and your picture of what needs to happen and two different motion pictures. If I had to guess, I'd think that his idea is that his mom should be moving in with your guys, ,modifications made on your home to accommodate her (he IS Mr. Fixit, right?) and all will be well.
The fact that you won't agree to this is what is putting the fly in the ointment of SIL and DH's plan.
You are clearly the person MIL loves and trusts (I get this dynamic; we had it in my family. My Mom loved and trusted my SIL FAR more than she did me or my brothers. My SIL handled all of my mom's money for the last 7 years of her life. I think if mom hadn't developed dementia, SIL would have been happy to have mom move in with them).
I'm sorry that you're in such a pickle. I want to remind you that it's SIL's craziness that drives you batty, not so much MIL.
It's the fact that SIL wants to "fix" everything that's wrong with her mom that is the problem here, and MIL's ACTUAL day to day needs (nutrition, hydration, dog care).
As a matter of hypothosizing, let's say MIL had to move in with you guys, and home health could be arranged for a few hours each day, for help with bathing, etc.
Would having MIL live with you be arduous? Are you the kind of person (like me) who needs to have massive amounts of "alone time"? Then it's an undoable idea.
Have YOU broached the idea of AL with MIL? Even in the round about ways that I've suggested?
".. it doesn't matter to any of us, it's you spearheading all this and we all know it .. you're the one that wants her outta here."
Stop talking about it to any of them. You now know MIL will be staying in FL during hurricane season. You've certainly talked to them about it plenty, and they just give you lip service.
Prepare to evacuate to your mother's, and let the chips fall where they may back in FL. H can get MIL and bring her to your house, and then HE is responsible for her (and Poochy, that he appears to dislike). What is wrong with that scenario?
No one really wants the responsibility of MIL. She's exhausting, isn't she? Add Poochy, and her needs (and WANTS) get quite ridiculous. You have done great in backing off this past year, and in maintaining that boundary.
Her health and safety are her own concern, since she's fully competent (and, to a lesser extent, the concern of her son and daughter). If they want to ignore health and safety concerns, let it go. You seem more concerned about her than H. You've tried, but you can't make him (or his sister) change.
The only person you can control is yourself. You've stopped the stepping and fetching, and that is the most important thing. That was the impetus for the start of this thread, correct?
Edited to add that I agree with Barb that moving MIL in with you is the ultimate endgame. I don't know about home health care being a part of it, though. Wasn't that already considered and dismissed because it was too expensive?
I am a little concerned that if MIL came to your house during a hurricane, that she and H might expect you to then accept her staying in the Yellow Room from that point on.
I spent a year trying to get an elderly aunt to move to assisted living. Similar situation. Her Sunday School friends kept calling me and basically harassing me, telling me "She does not need to be living alone." I would agree with them and say, "Well, she won't hire anyone and won't go to assisted living." They would reply with "Somebody needs to be staying with her at night." The implication was, of course, that I needed to give up my life and marriage and go live with her and take care of her. I didn't budge.
She is now in assisted living.
But she wants .. some semblance of all to be just right with the world order. Nothing askew.
Barb, I like loads of alone time. In fact, that's one of the things I find annoying .. in MIL's presence. She talks a lot .... a lot .. is an understatement. She never shuts up. Prattles on and on and on, always. It's doable, when I go visit her, there is an end in sight. When she shelters here, there is no escaping it, she never shuts up. I don't particularly tolerate that characteristic very well in anyone. YD ... she's a talker too, .. when she's here, she will also be one to prattle on and on. But with her, I say to her, .. and I do, at times, ... "stop talking to me, I'm trying to read this". And she will .. stop talking to me.
No, it's not suitable to me that MIL move in here, even with home health care a few hours a day. No.
She is far too high maintenance for my taste(s). All the way from all her need for lotions/potions .. and high end department store makeup .. and ... her dog's needs .. and all of it. I would come undone, in short order, expectation that I step to all that is what I consider "high maintenance". I don't care if you're someone who requires pheasant under glass for dinner nightly, if that's something you can attend to yourself .. go for it. But when the expectation is that others will hop to .. me namely .. to address all that "high maintenance" need/whim. I have a big problem attaining that level of care .. no .. I would not find it suitable. No.
She is very meticulous and specific as to the groceries bought for her (she pays for her own groceries I go to retrieve for her). I am not. I do the coupon thing .. I do what's on sale .. so forth. Her no. She has to have "x" brand of juice, "x" brand of bread, "x" brand of milk,"x" brand of cereal, so on and so forth.
Yes I have casually mentioned in passing to MIL, .. she might be on the topic of not wanting to go to her daughter's .. and all that entails with her daughter and all her hand wringing and teeth gnashing .. and I have said to her in passing, "ya know, we could go and visit some AL's if you'd like .. maybe see what those are all about .. you don't have to go to your daughter's".
That gets met with, .. as I knew it would when I said it, ,.. "that's just not me Dorker, .. I'm not about going to one of those places .. all those people lining the hallways in their wheelchairs slumped over waiting to die, that's just not where I want to be".
I have said in counter to that, .. "I'm sure there's some of that, but life is what you make of it, . you know that ... there are activities to involve yourself with and socialization .. you don't really have any of that".
That gets countered with: "Oh that ship has sailed for me, a long time ago .. ya know .. I used to be so involved with my church and going to do things with groups of people there .. but ya know, that day has come and gone .. ya know those women that used to meet together, we'd go to lunch..............",
And she's off .. and talking and talking and talking .. and talking.
Gets nowhere to suggest AL. Nowhere.
You even circle it back to, and I've done so ... "so what is it that you plan as you age here, and become more needy .. what is it that you want to see happen?".
She answers, "I don't know dorker .. I just .. I wish that big cloud in the sky would come for me .. I'm ready to go .. you know i've had a good life .. ",
.....................and she's off, talking and talking and talking.
So you circle it back again, .. "....and ya know, we don't all get to choose, that big cloud in the sky may not come for you when you want it to ... so then what ...???..... I mean what happens when you really just cannot live here anymore and care for yourself".
That gets a response of: "Oh well I know that I must do all that I can to stay well, and be able to be here, .. I try to be so very careful ...",
..............and she's off .. talking and talking and talking ...
I have tried .. maybe even more so than her own offspring to approach it all .. you get nowhere.
Yeah, I've heard that crap from a relative before too.
But when she is in the hospital with a serious medical issue and she sees the cloud coming, I promise you the words out of her mouth will be "Don't y'all let me DIE! I'm not ready to die!"
But I do find it frustrating that when you look at the case back when MIL was younger, and in a position that her father needed care, and could no longer safely live alone in his own home. He was uprooted and shuffled back and forth in 3 month stints between MIL's home and her sister's home.
True none of it meant a 1K mile trek to do. It was a difference of a few hours car drive to shuffle him back and forth.
I'm sure it wasn't his favorite either, as his fate ... to have to be shuffled around every few months.
But I just can't wrap my brain around why that somehow in her case, is not anything she will entertain. Not that I want the option to be, "okay dorker, .. well what we'll do is .. we'll go ahead and off load her house .. and MIL will then shuffle every few months via plane .. between SIL and here .. and she can stay with YOU GUYS .. when she shuffles back this way".
I don't wish to house her ... she is far too high maintenance for me ... (not to mention her needs).
Her father ... was not a high maintenance sort with a pet that is also high maintenance. He just merely needed someone to make sure he ate .. and put a roof over his head and that he didn't fall, was on a cane. He didn't struggle as badly as MIL does to get from point A to B.
I'm sure it wasn't easy on her .. that she had to take her dad in .. in 3 month stints .. and look after him. She was working at that time, .. and had a job that afforded her the ability (somewhat) .. to come and go at will, .. and so she was able to come in and check on him throughout the work day at times ... and/or get him to a doc appt. It wasn't "not doable" in her case. He didn't have a pet who, .. as is the case with MIL, is more important than the air she breathes, to her anyway. So no one had to take into consideration, the pets needs.
I'm sure it wasn't easy for her .. in some ways. But does she think it's "easy" for SIL to keep flying back and forth down here to look after her. Does it not occur to her (I think I will ask her that question .. when this next comes up, as it always does .. her lamenting that she doesn't want to have to go to her daughter's) .. does she think it's easy for her daughter to always be the one that has to uproot and come here to help her to manage.
I'm sure when I ask her that, it will be met with, .. some semblance of .. "oh I don't need her to come here, ... she comes here and does everything but breathe for me .. she'd do that too if I could figure out a way for her to do it .. she'd even do that ... but .. I don't want to be a problem to her, .. I don't want to be a problem for any of you, I do the very best that I can here to manage and do for myself whatever I can ... it's getting so that I can't do much at all, and I just hate that ... I just wish that cloud in the sky would come get me ... I wake up every day thinking,... well why am I still here?".
That will be about where it goes, when I just wanna get stearn at that point, .. "Well seems like there's a helluva lot of wishing that goes on in yall's family .. wishing .. wish this .. wish that ... I'm sure SIL would WISH that her life could entail some travel in her retirement years and enjoyment as to what it is she and her husband can do with their discretionary dollars ... dollars that don't then have to be spent in airfare back and forth down here, to take care of you!".
I wouldn't say that .. but I'd sure like to.
SIL has mentioned that more than once. That her husband .. while he is good as gold, and he is .. so thoroughly kind and generous and sweet natured .. that he has said more than once, . that he wishes they didn't have to spend what discretionary dollars they do have .. in airfare back and forth here all the time .. that he himself isn't getting any younger and there is travel they'd wanted to enjoy once she retired. Doesn't seem the dollars are there to do so ... with airfare back and forth here, all the time.
I don't think SIL has shared that sentiment with her mom.
They did get to go 5 or 6 years ago .. to Indonesia .. where her DIL is from .. and they went 2 or 3 years ago, to Europe for two weeks or so, .. with her husband's family .. and traveled around Europe.
But sounds like they'd like to do more of that, but are unable to do so .. either MIL needs her here, because of some calamity .. or their dollars are all used up in flying back and forth from here.
Until SIL (and she will never do that) .. until she wants to put the screws to it all, and tell her mom . "not doing this anymore, now AL is going to have to be your option and here's the path forward to achieve that, now let's get on it, that's the direction this is all going, better start liking it" ... until she does that, and she never will ... it's gonna be that way .. their dollars spent in airfare coming and going from here.