I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Don’t hesitate to be present for your brother. Moral support? Some pre-made meals? A shoulder to cry on? A level-headed communicator?
Dorker, you know how to ”read” your brother. If he needs some propping-up, do not delay. Despite all the in-law noise, your brother — who is in crisis — is your priority right now.
Team Myopia is shamelessly accustomed to your family being low-maintenance while they suck all the air out of the room.....and all the life out of you. If you need to recuse yourself from the royal hoopla (moreso than you were already planning to!), so be it. You have a family, too.
((((hugs)))) 💗
My brother and his wife both, every time you talk to them, they are both in tears ... feeling absolutely responsible for this kid and what happened (of course they do).
They are reaching out this morning to their insurance .. as to whatever claims may be necessary and a lawyer on their end,.. to see what they need to do as far as any liability on their parts, .. but also .. it's a struggle for them to even function at this point, while this boy lays in the hospital trauma unit, .. pretty much .. ruined. I will, of course, offer if they would like my presence there, I can be there in 5 hours and I'll do so. My mom .. also puzzling as to whether she needs to head their way for the same .. she lives about 12 hours away.
I think right now, all are in shock and just pretty much numb, trying to function in the midst of it all. They have a grown daughter, that has ... for the most part, taken over, as to sorting thru h/o insurance and policy limits and helping to direct her mom and dad ..
We were to go there next weekend for what would be my brother's 50th birthday. That has obviously been cancelled at this point. That's what they were doing, tidying up the yard .. for this big party that was to be held.
I appreciate all the thoughts/prayers .. it's a heartbreaking situation for all involved.
Wish there was something I could do, but of course, unless they need/want me there, .. that's about all I can offer.
No MIL drama .. and my participation at this point, nil.
People think tree companies around here are expensive. And there's a reason for that, as is evidenced by this accident. I don't know your brother's financial situation (I'm guessing he was trying to save $ by renting a bucket truck), so I'm very glad he's consulting an attorney.
My heart breaks. I mean it.
Yes they are lawyering up,.. advised her to do so yesterday as did my brother .. who is a former claims adjustor with a major insurer ...
They feel so responsible that if they had the means to write a check for the millions it could cost, .. they'd do it right now .. and walk away from everything they own and hope to ever own .. if they could do that .. they'd do it right now .. and walk away and live in a box .. having given over every dollar they have to throw at this .. and then some.
But of course, we know that isn't gonna happen. They are doing the only things they can at this point, contacting their h/o insurance .. and an atty .. and where it goes from here, .. we will see.
Thus far, the family of this boy (though everyone realizes .. that will/can change, probably will) .. the family of this boy are being understanding, telling my brother to please don't feel responsible .. accidents happen .. so forth. Of course, nothing anyone says will take away my brother's feeling that he is indeed responsible.
I'm just so heartbroken over all this.
I did put in a text to their daughter, who last I heard, was working the front for them, as to the fine print of the policy .. and so forth .. and asked her thoughts, "would it be helpful at all, .. to your mom and dad if I come that way .. just as moral support .. or mom .. or both of us, your thoughts".
She answered that she appreciates our love and support but right now there are way bigger fish to fry (understandable) and that she didn't think it necessary that either of us try to come that way.
Told her, .. I will do what is best .. stay outta the way, come there, whatever, I'm just a phone call away and if needed, I'll get in the car right now .. and head there. And I will.
So far .. that's about it.
Poochy and his meds, I could care less right now. I mean it.
They are being understanding for now...I suspect another loss from this accident could (and probably will) be the loss of the friendship.
I wonder if the friend knew and approved of his son helping your brother, and what he would actually be doing (bucket truck/equipment with *POWER LINES* in the vicinity?!?!?)?
If that equipment was being used against directions (a minor?), I'm guessing the homeowners insurance could fight any claim. (Not sure about this, but insurance companies want to get out of paying claims.) I hope your brother has a huge umbrella liability policy, as I wrote before.
Such a horrible, horrible situation.
Prayers for all involved.
The horror of hearing what transpired. Apparently there was a loud boom .. much like when a transformer blows. And my brother saw an arc of fire ... and the kid, knocked off his feet, up in this bucket lift thing .. and was hanging upside down ... from the rails of this thing .. caught by one foot. Hanging upside down.
The kid was conscious .... calling for my brother "help!, help!" .. calling his name. My brother went, he was right there .. and of course, couldn't touch this bucket lift, it was hot .. I don't know .. can't imagine the temperature of the thing .. burned a hole through it .. and into the ground where the thing sat. My brother unable to get the kid down .. said to him "you gotta just fall .. just fall I'll catch you .. you gotta fall, I can't get you down". The kid did do whatever so he could then release his foot that was caught (which is a good sign .. at least there was muscle enough to move the foot he was dangling from .. and get it released so he could fall, upside down .. and at least there was brain function and he was conscious and could direct his brain to let his foot loose.... fell ... and my brother tried to catch him but it knocked both of them to the ground .. the force of his fall. I'm supposing though that maybe was enough the kid didn't break any bones in the fall, on top of what had already caused enough damage.
Just hearing my brother describe all that .. MY GOD!!!!! The horror.
I don't know the limits of their h/o policy or any personal umbrella policy I haven't asked. I don't imagine they have enough coverage for something this monstrosity of an enormous problem. Who would?
On the front with MIL yesterday .. of course, prior to the arrival of SIL and crew .. as we sat and ate lunch, her words: "I just can't believe that we're approaching here, the time frame that I will need to head on out to IL with my daughter. You know, I've been able to put it off and put it off .. and I just .. I don't want to have to do this .. I have to take Melatonin at night to sleep ... I can't sleep .. I lay awake and ponder it all, .. I'm going to do this .. not because I want to .. but because it's what my son and my daughter think is best .... I'm most comfortable right here in my own home ... and this is where all my things are .. and ... I can get around here the best".
She goes on to say to me, that it's going to be so very important that DH and myself .. or some of us, come out routinely to check on her place .. what should she set the a/c at ????, what if there is a leak somewhere .. what if the sprinklers stop working .. how will the yard guy get into the b'yard? Some of us need to at least come and crank her car and drive it around the block so that the battery won't die ... just so much to consider.
I only answered with, "you know it's important you do this .. you don't need to be here during hurricane season .. and who knows .. you may even find when you get to your daughter's .. maybe you and she can get out some, just a little .. go to a movie, out to lunch whatever".
She said in response: "You know, I am like a prisoner here in my own home, I don't go anywhere ... it's all too much I just can't manage it, .. and I know that isn't good, it's not healthy".
Me: "No, it's not healthy ... we tried to get you a week or so ago to come over for DH's bday and we'd come get you ... but you weren't even able to do that much".
Her: "No, I just .. when I say I can't do it, I really try .. but I just can't .. I just can't do it, like I said I'm most comfortable here".
She then off on the loose ends this will leave behind in her absence ... I suggested turning off the water and bleeding the home of any active water .. that way if there is a leak, there's no water to leak .. I suggested, as to the yard guy .. that maybe she needs to get that lock put on, on the outside of the gate .. rather than inside the gate, .. and have a key hidden, to a lock that is on the outside .. and the yard guy can get in that way, rather than what you currently do .. which is to let him into the garage . where he then goes thru your garage and out the b'door .. and then unlocks that gate with the key you leave for him .. .have the lock put on the outside .. where the guy can unlock it without having to come thru your garage to do it.
Turn your AC up to about 80 .. that way you don't have to worry about mold growing .. it will run some. We will, we'll check on your car, .. we'll do a walk thru here periodically. You know, people do leave their homes .. there are people that have a winter and a summer residence, and they leave each for the other, .. depending on the season .. it's done .. it's not impossible.
She then went into .. the whole thing that SIL worked to get her signed up for ... that MIL was on a waiting list for like 2 years to get. That has come up .. and those folks are signed on now. Sounds like they do things with (no errands at all) light house keeping, .. help with hygiene .. that kinda thing.
She had talked of what a struggle it is wash her hair .. she does so at the kitchen sink, and then has to make her way to the back of the house where she sits and puts rollers in her hair and then uses the blow dryer to dry her hair .. and that by the time she's finished with all that, it's like she's done a 24 hour workday at some hot factory somewhere, just spent .. completely spent.
Said that these folks are now signed on to begin service .. and that is to commence starting next Friday .. and they will come on Mondays and Fridays .. not sure how long they'll stay.
BUT ...
Said that the rules of this service, one has to not be absent for said service for any longer than 90 days or their name goes back to the waiting list.
Thus, concern on her part, ... that whatever this trip entails as to going to IL .. it can't be longer than 90 days or her name goes back onto that waiting list.
I only responded to that: "Well it sounds like this is a temporary thing .. from what I'm being told .. and so .. that shouldn't be an issue .. you don't wanna be there in the winter anyway .. you stay much longer than 90 days and you'll be there when the weather turns cold".
So there was dialogue on that topic, and it sounded as though .. she is now weighing/sorting thru .. the wherefore's and howfore's of the whole departing for IL.
We'll see if SIL talks her right out of it entirely while here .. "oh mom looks like you have a well oiled machine running here, that service will be coming to help you 2 x's weekly .. your team, inclusive of all that have been lined up, running smooth as glass .. you don't have to do this .. you'll be just fine right here, .. we'll hope no big storms blow this way and leave things as is".
We'll see ...........
Regarding the service that will come in to help MIL on Mondays And Fridays, sounds like it will be the perfect time for her to bathe and get her hair washed, yes? I don't think "light housekeeping" is going to mean cleaning up Poochy's pee, though.
So MIL takes melatonin to sleep. And her sleep is broken up with Poochy's needs (and her own bathroom needs, if she is taking her Lasix, correct)?
Maybe MIL would be doing a lot better if she could just get better sleep. !
But take her dog and you'd do better to sandpaper a lions tail. She's NOT gunna give up that dog. Nor is anyone gunna force that.
I agree though with others here who have said she probably sleeps a good deal in day hours ... that too may impede a night's sleep.
None of it I can fix.
Hindsight is always easy but everyone should take a lesson from this story and only hire professionals that are licensed and insured. There is a reason professionals charge more than neighborhood kid earning pocket money. Realize this sounds harsh under these circumstances and is no comfort to Dorker and her family but I do feel badly for them all and know how I would feel if something this terrible happened to my son when he was 17.
Darker it sounds as though your niece has a good head on her shoulders and is steering her parents in the right direction so be thankful for that and when the shock subsides help your brother plan for a very different future than he had imagined. Sending hugs and good wishes.
As far as MIL is concerned things will only change when she is prepared or forced to change them. I don't think she will go to IL now or in the future. She will end up in a facility close to you. She won't like it that is a given and hopefully by then Pooch will be waiting for her up in the clouds.
I know we'll plan a family activity with the idea of mother in mind, basically something for her, and we just keep on doing it, b/c even though we KNOW she's not going to go to the event, she will do everything in her power to NOT go and lament how hard it is for her to get anywhere....but at least we get some credit for trying. She was bemoaning the fact she will never see her older brother again--so I did a quick check on the possibility of a trip and found many non stop plane flights to the airport outside the city he lives in. A 15 minute ride and we're AT his condo. I told her it was a 1.5 hour flight, a quick Uber ride to the hotel and a walk to the condo---when I spelled it out for her and said we could take her there--she immediately said she just couldn't possibly navigate the airport, etc. I actually made her mad, b/c she had been harping on this for so long, and to find that it is very doable--made her mad. She doesn't really want to see him, if she did, she'd move heaven and earth.
Just watching and waiting to see what MIL throws into the ring to mess this up.
As I said earlier their daughter is on the front helping sort thru things to help direct my brother and his wife .. and thankful for that. They were to consult an attorney, haven't heard result of that. They were to sort thru the h/o policy and contact them, after consulting atty for advice thereof .. haven't heard back on that.
On the other front, with MIL.
Had a call from OD this afternoon.
First let me preface that with OD .. she is pretty distant and there is reason for that. She has her own tenuous mental health issues ... has been involuntarily admitted more than a few times .. in earlier years .. for suicide ideation. It has gotten better through the years, and it has been years since she was involuntarily held for psych eval. She has grown older (middle 30's) and more easily recognizes in herself when she is de-railing .. and more proactive in approaching what to do about it. But .. all that to say .. she ... it doesn't take a lot that she too, can unravel mentally. Fall into deep dark depression ..
She works hard, long hours (commission job) .. and that takes up a lot of what .. as we all have, is our reservoir for our energy and stress level. (she used to be on disability income but fought her way out of that trap .. to become a working stiff .. and not a deadbeat as she'd put it). She works hard, long hours .. .and what little time she does get off from work .. she prefers to spend it doing just as she pleases .. and that might be vedging out on the sofa for the day, or .. hiking in the woods .. or whatever .. mostly loner type stuff. Needs a lot of "alone" time. She doesn't dislike us, her family .. and make choices in her life that purposely take her to a place where she doesn't come around much .. more it's a matter for her and her own tenuous mental health .. she can only have so many strings tied to her .. as to what are expectations before she becomes unraveled herself .. or begins down that path. We don't see a whole lot of her as a result .. talk to her periodically on the phone .. but she doesn't come around a lot (even though she lives maybe 15 mins from us).
As was mentioned here before, .. she'd gone the other day and spent a few hours visiting with MIL. I hadn't known that until MIL mentioned it. Fine by me. Found it kinda surprising .. as family obligations and/or visiting .. not usually anything OD feels compelled to see about, but fine by me.
So she spent a few hours on Sunday with MIL, visiting.
So I get a phone call from OD this afternoon. She herself, admittedly struggling at the moment with crushing depression and trying some self care .. and so forth to address it .. but .. a struggle for her presently .. just not in a good head space, as she would put it.
So she goes on to ask me, am I aware that MIL is suicidal?
Me: "Suicidal? No ... I mean .. well we all know MIL is well past ready to go to her great beyond .. we're aware of that .. have been for a long long time .. she tells anyone that will listen .. but take her own life ..???.... no .. haven't heard that .. no. Did you tell your dad this?".
OD: "No .. g'ma made me promise I wouldn't tell anyone .. and .. ya know ... life right now for me, is a real struggle anyway .. .and I have pondered what to do about it, if anything .. I really wish she hadn't said anything to me, . it's been wearing on me .. and I am not dealing real well right now anyway .. with my own problems ... ".
((((FWIW ............. OD is the last person on earth one should be sharing that kinda dismal info with .. her own tenuous mental health .. an issue. I wish that MIL hadn't chosen to share any sentiment of that sort .. not with OD of all people. A younger more mentally alert MIL would've been more cognizant of that .. or .. maybe some here would say she knows what she's doing .. she's being manipulative .. who can say, I dunno .. but .. all of that to say .. OD is not the person to be sharing that kinda grim info with, doesn't take much with OD to push her into oblivion herself with crushing depression she fights constantly))))
Me: "Have you shared this with your dad?".
OD: "No, G'ma made me promise I wouldn't tell anyone .. she was just .. ya know .. any time you go see her .. it always evolves into pretty nihilistic conversation .. her ready to go .. but .. she was asking me, .. since she knows I've had struggles on that front .. what does it feel like to be suicidal .. what is it that you feel. I told her .. for me . it's a crushing tiredness .. a tiredness that a vacation won't heal .. it's a tired like . just too tired to even care or find any peace .. but I have always been afraid to do it .. thus I'm still here. She went on to tell me that she feels like that .. that she has thought of taking that stool over there, and just hanging herself .. and kicking the stool out from under her .. but she's just too afraid . won't do it .. so ... "
Me: "Well no .. I mean that's news to me .. yea we're all aware she's beyond ready to go .. she tells anyone that will listen .. but no .. I've never heard her say that .. I wish you'd of told your dad and not me".
(((why am I always the damned conduit .. MIL with her .. wanting me to be the one to share info and get it all set up as to any HCPOA and Living Will .. and so forth . now OD with this info .. why am I always the damned conduit))))
Me: "I wish you'd share this with your dad and not me".
OD: "She made me promise not to tell anyone . and I have battled what to do about it, it really .. it really didn't help my own situation here that I'm struggling with .. to hear my grandmother say she has contemplated hanging her damn self .. but .. anyway .. she made me promise not to say anything .. so ya know, I mean you guys go and have her involuntarily committed or something it's gonna be on me .. that I didn't keep her confidence".
Me: "OD I can't hear this kind of thing and not tell her son .. I have to tell her son".
OD didn't protest .. she didn't say anymore either way .. on whether she wishes I will or won't tell DH.
I didn't get the chance until late tonite to tell him but tell him I did.
ME: "So I was talking with OD this afternoon, .. are you aware that she shared with OD that she is suicidal ...?!?!?".
DH: "Suicidal?, .. what?".
I go into explaining above to him.
DH: "Is this all because the time is approaching for her to leave for IL and she doesn't wanna have to go .. ".
Me: "I don't know .. I don't have the answer to that".
DH: "Well I know she does not want to have to go to IL .. she'd rather die .. she's said as much .. she wishes she could go on and die before that day comes, even though it's approaching rapidly and she's still here .. maybe it's just more that she doesen't wanna go to IL".
Me: "Do you think this is more of your mom's drama she's so known for?".
DH: "I don't know .. I know she doesn't wanna have to go to IL .. "
Me: "So .. what do you do with this info?".
DH: "Gonna have to watch mom . I guess .. more closely".
Sooooo that was the sum of any flares that shot up over that whole thing. Not much.
Do I think she'd do such a thing?
I don't think so, .. but I sure don't want that info floating around out there and me knowledgeable of it .. and not having shared it with the appropriate folks . her son, for one.
The fact he didn't seem to think it necessary to shoot up any flare of concern .. oh well, I guess.
I can't care more than they do . that's my motto.
Of course, I'm over here with a mentality "oh cry me a damned river .. so you have to go to IL .. and you so HATE IT .. so now you throw out there, and in the direction of the last damned person you should be sharing that with . that you too have contemplated hanging yourself .. and ending it all .. ". Well won't that serve as a nice deterrent to any push to exit out of this state ..
But then I don't want *blood on my hands* with it all, as they say .. thus I shared with DH what was said to me by OD.
Oh well I guess, whatever.
Pouring it on thick now. Who knows .. founded .. unfounded any of this .. who can say.
Just sick of it.
I would think that Somebody needs to say Something to MIL about her sharing such Worrisome Information! Preferably her Son or Daughter, but most definitely Not You Dorker!
That was a very cruel thing that she did to OD, for so many reasons! People don't just blurt out Suicidal Ideation to their Granddaughters, and expect them to Not say anything to their parents about it! It was OD's obligation to tell her Dad what she heard, so that he could address the matter, and MIL now needs to be evaluated by a specialist, to see if there is any merit in what she has now divulged, especially to the one Grandchild that she knows, has a problem with depression and mental illness! So Not Cool!
MANIPULATION, or a cry for help, neither of which needs to go unaddressed! I hope someone steps up to the plate on this.
I should reassure OD that her grandmother is in no state to go tying knots and kicking chairs, and was more likely aiming to connect with OD. It seems, for sure, that they have vulnerabilities in common, do they not?
It is not better if we all have to pretend that everybody's happy all the time.
I should call OD back and ask her how *she* is doing. Make it an open question, too, so that she doesn't feel she has to tell you what you want to hear.
That was my first thought, too. I think it's manipulation. Or is she perhaps jealous of SIL's attention on the royal family? Despite MIL's stating how she doesn't like SIL's obsessive attention to her, perhaps in some way she actually enjoys it?
So H said: "Gonna have to watch mom . I guess .. more closely".
Okay...let's see if he follow through with this. I don't think any of us will be holding our breath, waiting for this.
As long as the Precious Poochy is alive, MIL isn't going to kill herself. Right? She has to know that no one is going to obsess over that animal the way she does.
Still, I'm glad Dorker told H about MIL's suicide talk. She's got all the bases covered!
You know her better than I do, but just wanted to give you a couple of thoughts from someone who had lost someone close to suicide. I found out that my friend had mentioned suicide to some of her family and had asked the question if they would be mad if she committed suicide. From what you have said about MIL's physical capabilities it does not seem that a chair and rope would be the method of choice. But you never know.
I wonder if MIL being at home with no social interaction, by her choice, could have lead to a fear or insecurity of exploring any new environments. (IE going to IL would mean leaving what she feels is her safe haven). It sounds as if she is having a panic attack every time she thinks of going to IL.
I am not a professional in mental health, just wanted to throw out some thoughts on the flip side of the coin. From the sounds of it poochie, her fur baby, has been an incentive to not attempt anything such as suicide. It has been proven that dogs and pets help senior citizens and provide a calming influence. Our two have helped both myself and my honey (yep, guess you could call me a crazy dog lady as our two are like our kids...smile) when things get crazy. I could see my honey relaxing after he got home and our two came up to snuggle and for him to love on them.
As I said I don't know your MIL though I do know from you posts that she can be difficult. It is a tough place to be....where y'all are at. I understand your anger at MIL for talking about this with OD. Depression is so debilitating and heartbreaking . How is OD doing? I hope she has been able to let go of the conversation that she had with MIL and climb out the depression that she was feeling.
It is a rough spot that you have been placed in. So glad you shared the conversation with DH. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Not to make light of the situation but realistically- given what’s been said about MILs mobility and balance issues - if she were to attempt the whole stool and rope scenario, likely she’d loose her balance trying to stand on the stool and instead of a non-stop trip to her cloud - she’d fall to the kitchen floor and break a hip. Instead MIL would be taking the express route to rehab and a nursing home.
Still... manipulation or not any threat of suicide needs to be address by one of her kids or at least MILs pcp.
Just as is the case with so so much of all this ... if her offspring consider status quo to be fine ... I'll follow suit.
My raising any hackles over anything with regard to the MIL situation ... might as well go talk to a brick wall. The result is the same. No action, no response.
No I don't think for a minute she can climb atop a stool and/or use her arthritic fingers to the any kind of knot.
Can she hasten her demise in other ways? Certainly.
Her son is aware this has been put out there.
You're ok with it. Check. Me too.
Sadly.
Talking it over with DD some ... her thoughts. 1. More histrionics and drama from she who is a master. 2. She's not gunna leave her dog. Dog dies ....??...better lock MIL in a padded room ....outside of that ...let it go ... you told her son ... that's all you can do.
On the other front. The 17 year old is having both feet amputated this morning. My heart hurts for all involved. My brother and his wife are wrecks.... can't sleep... can't focus....lots of tears.
Encouraging them both to reach out to personal physician for temporary anxiety meds ... etc.
I think they intend to do that.
Yes I'm angry with MIL and all this bull crap and her never ending drama.
I'm so over it ... particularly right now when my heart and mind are on my brother and his friends son and the unfortunate heart breaking situation there.
I could shake the snot out of MIL right about now.
Just throwing this out. A bad hurricane kills more people during the aftermath than during the storm. I’ve been through 4 hurricanes that are on the highest number of deaths in the US List. The elderly start dying as soon as the wind dies down from heart attacks, respiratory problems, heat, contamination, etc. Help doesn’t arrive for a week sometimes. It’s brutal conditions.
Anyone elderly and infirm need to evacuate by now and MIL is still playing games.
Of course she Had to say something, for if Grandmother did carry out doing herself in, then that would be on her conscious for ever more.
Who knows how this topic came up in conversation, but I do believe that it isn't something you just sweep under the rug, OD has been seriously affected by this, and She is the one you should be most concerned about, and reasurred that Grandmother was indeed just "relating" to feelings, that they both perhaps may have thought about, sometimes in their lives.
Yet still, the timing of these recent "revelations" by MIL must all be adding up, she is presenting an arsenal of things, all to get out of going to IL, her team is in force, her dog is having issues, a New mole behind her ear needs addressing, she's wanting to appoint POA "Finally", and now is batting around Suicidal thoughts, and of course, her home is just perfectly set up, Umm really?
As HolidayEnd said above, the elderly and infirm need to evacuate Now, if and where ever possible, and MIL isn't being forced to play out a Real hurricane evacuation into a Red Cross tent with thousands of other people, and separated from family and her precious pooch, she is being welcomed into the loving arms of her own Daughter, it should be her pleasure, that so many people love and care about her. She should be thinking this to be a vacation of sorts, getting out of hot muggy Florida for a while, where she will be dotted on by family, and enjoying herself! Let's face it, Nobody knows when the Big One Is going to strike, so better to be out of the fray, it's a no brainer!
MIL's discussing such a sensitive topic with OD reminded me of when my own FIL told my husband (a couple of years before he died), that earlier in his marriage (just after my husband was born) that he had an longstanding affair with a woman he worked with, and it broke up the family for a time. My husband never knew this and there was No Reason why he needed to tell my husband this disturbing news, other than to rid himself of some of the guilt that he had been carrying all these years.
For my husband, thinking that his beloved Mom had suffered and was so devastated during a time in her life that should have been nothing but joyous, truly caused him pain, and placed his Dad in a whole different light, and he didn't appreciate it at all. Hubby had to question "why am I caring for this man, who hurt my Mother so, and why am I the one stuck with him"? Some things are best left unsaid.
Dorker, I am so sorry for the difficult circumstances that your Brother and family are facing, and my prayers for the boy who was injured in the freak accident too! Just tragic! .
MIL is so tone deaf, perhaps she honestly thought OD was the perfect person to share her pain with. I can see that. (“What??? OD is fine now. She’s over all that!” Like OD had strep throat or something. Not a lifelong battle with volatile mental health issues.)
And here comes MIL’s long history of saying the wrong thing. It would never occur to MIL that her words sent OD to a dark, difficult place.
MIL is incapable/unwilling to feel empathy for how her confession affected OD. MIL was only talking about HERSELF, after all. 😬
OTOH, there’s a whiff of play-acting, isn’t there? Heckuva thing to “put out there” — for the first time ever — when the Royal Extended Family is in town. This is MIL’s first opportunity to meet these great-grandkids and their Indonesian mother, right??? MIL’s comfort zone has been breached! Time to amp up the triangulation.
SIGH. Hurricane schmurricane.
She didn't metion anything further about her g'ma's proclamation and how it had concerned her and I didn't bring it up anymore. I'm kind of assuming with OD .. that she can process and also place this on the hook of G'ma's histrionics she's so famous for. Though, .. the truth, OD and her tenuous mental health, is the lesser of any of us to be able to compartmentalize and so forth, with that kinda thing.
At the moment, .. maybe it's just me and the bewilderment I feel at my brother's situation with their family friend's son .. and the fate that has befallen the young man. Maybe it's just me needing somewhere to process and hang some anger and befuddlement, I dunno. But I find that it angers me. Here MIL has lived a long, and mostly happy life .. enjoying the things she wants to do ... with that long life .. and able bodied for many years. It angers me, all her bitching about, "I don't want to go to IL, nobody knows how hard this is .. nobody knows .. I just want to stay here in my home, where I'm most comfortable .. and all her horse-chit".
I just want to (maybe it's me and my own emotions spilling over) .. I just want to scream at her, . you wanna talk about hard .. how hard this is, there is a young man .. a YOUNG MAN ripe age of 17 years old, life forever changed horribly by an accident .. clinging to damn life .. and burns over his entire body that will necessitate skin grafting and he is loosing his FEET FOR CHRISSAKES ............... HIS FEET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! .......... and possibly his damn legs .. don't talk to me, about "this is just too hard, get over your damn self".
My brother who has worked hard all his life .. and his wife, are staring down the barrel of life altering financial ruin .. in a lawsuit as a result of all this .. don't come at me, with "this is just so hard, get over your self!".
I wont' do the above, but I'd sure like to. I'm wise enough to know .. one thing has absolutely zero to do with the other. It's not her fault she got old and infirm .. it is her damn fault she's so flipping inflexible ....... that IS HER FAULT ......... it's not her fault at all, that my brother somehow saw it suitable to send a 17 yo kid up in a bucket lift, and forever altered his life .. when he then hit a power line .. it's not her fault, my brother witnessed what he did .. and is traumatized .. and horribly disturbed ..and a big burly guy .. in tears every time I talk to him .... It's not her fault, he is staring down the barrel of possible financial ruin in a lawsuit.
I get that. I just .. at this point, I have absolutely no damn patience for her musings. None.
I'm pondering what's to come when SIL leaves. We have a poochy on meds presently. Poochy who is taking a course of 10 days of antibiotics and steroids . and ear drops. None of which MIL can do with her arthritic hands that offer no dexterity anymore, and no strength at all, and balance issues that preclude her ability to bend over, and/or get in the floor .. or any means of addressing it.
Right now, SIL there, to administer poochy's meds. What happens when SIL leaves on Tuesday .. there will still be a course of about 3 days at that point .. as to meds that need to be administered.
I won't be going there on thursday at all, I have enough on my radar with keeping the kids and DD's bday .. and dinner out.
Just one more of the constant reminders she shouldn't be living alone anymore, she can't frickin take care of the dog that is the very air she breathes and gives her purpose .. daily .. to live.
So who of that supposed "team" is gonna be stepping up ..
So sorry that MIL is acting up again (or still) wand what a nasty, nasty thing to bring up with OD...your MIL has about the same empathy that my MIL has. "You're crazy, now, right? Well, you deserve it, the way you act" was my MIL's response to my breakdown. Zero offers of help, nothing.
OD's description of depression is spot on. I suffer from it, and anxiety too. It's exhausting, just being "normal" and people who haven't had it, have no idea.
Anyway---OD doesn't need to worry about her comments to MIL. I had a mother who ROUTINELY expressed suicidal thoughts to us kids to "keep us in line". It was beyind horrifying, as a child to have that weight on my shoulders. She used it as a threat, never intending to follow through.
I think MIL is now frantically casting about for some reason not to go to IL. ANYTHING at this point will be trotted out, and IMHO, if she thought for one second that SIL would take her to an ER and have her admitted for suicidal thoughts, you bet they'd keep her. And then she wouldn't GET to go back home. Stupid move on her part.
Part of me wants to slap the dickens out of your MIL. She's hanging on my last nerve and y'all are almost 3000 miles away from me.
I'm sure your heart is feeling tender, thinking of this young man, your brother--all the people involved, it sure puts things in perspective.
Take care--love & prayers coming your way.