I'm so disheartened and angry.

Surprise, that's a great idea, I'll pass it along and report back. You jogged my memory that high school kids here, they also have to complete "x" number of hours in community service, in order to graduate. I have no idea how to reach out to whoever it might be that would be the contact, to put you in touch with a reliable teen .. but an excellent idea.

I suspect anything I suggest will fall flat, .. as most everything does. But it sounds like a great solution if you ask me.

The visit here with the son from Abu Dhabi and his family. Of course, we know the son. Haven't seen him in a dozen years I think. And in that time frame, he got married and had 3 kids, .. never met the wife, kids .. til now. They are all lovely people.

Busy .. as kids are .. busy busy busy ... and rambunctious. But what kids aren't?

They arrived on Thursday late afternoon. I stuck around knowing they'd be there (got a later start at MIL's that Thursday on purpose, knowing they'd be coming). Stuck around to meet them when they arrived, .. visited for a while, then said my g'byes. They'd dropped SIL off at MIL's .. and off they went, after a while to go check into their hotel.

The plan had been we'd all gather at MIL's and have pizza at dinner. The son and his family spent the day Friday .. I suppose checking out the local scene around town. SIL carted MIL to an eye doc appt. We were to meet at MIL's at 5:30 and all decide what kinds of pizzas to order. I got here, probably about 5:45 .. and no one was there. Not a soul. DH .. on his way, from work .. and DD's husband with him .. DD not yet there, with her kids .. nor the Abu Dhabi crew, and more important .. MIL and SIL.

They did arrive soon after .. MIL & SIL. The doc appt had taken 3 plus hours ..(????). Not sure why, it was an eye doc appt,. complete with dilated eyes, plus for tear ducts .. and instruction when MIL complained that she struggles to read anymore, to get cheapo reading glasses from the dept store, that her eyes ck'd out okay. No change in vision. Instructed as to what strength of cheapo reading glasses.

They got there, and pizzas ordered, .. and delivered. We all visited and had dinner .. stayed a while, and we left.

Sounds like part of the adventures of MIL & SIL on that afternoon, ... the night before this horrible bare spot .. irritated, etc .. had been spotted by MIL on the dog's underside, .. under the right front leg. If they'd of read the report from the vet's office, the same report she had me read, . as to what was done, what was found, from the few days earlier when YD carted poochy off to the vet. That spot on the dog had been noted and charted to be likely an environmental allergy of some sort, but steroids rx'd .. to knock back inflammation there .. as well as inflammation in poochy's ears .. .and an antibiotic also .. as well as ear drops. Had they read that report, they'd of not freaked out as they apparently did, having come upon that bare/irritated spot .. it was listed there, as to findings about the dog. But SIL now all in a dander .. called the vet on Friday .. and asked what can be done about it .. she was told what the report read, .. that the steroid will help with the inflammation (whether the dog is peeing all the time, I haven't heard) .. but SIL persisting .. isn't there something we can put on it .. don't you have anything there, we can apply to that area. Well yes they have some sort of analgesic spray .. and so that was part of their travels on Friday in add'n to the eye doc ..

Plans for Saturday were that I'd watch the babies for DD, and she and the 4 yo .. and husband could go hang out with the Abu Dhabi crowd at the hotel pool. That didn't happen (I think the Abu Dhabi crowd struggles mightily with the time change their enduring here) .. til about 2. DD dropped babies off here, and off they went to the hotel to go enjoy that scene and the Abu Dhabi crowd.

No plans to gather for dinner, at that point. Sounds like SIL did go meet up with them at the hotel and just enjoy some time with all. I stayed here, as well as DH .. and we watched babies.

We knew we'd not be seeing them until later today as we had a family picnic today, directly after church on site there. Plans at that point, to go meet up w/them at 6 PM at that same seafood dive that MIL loves so much. That's what we did this evening, and yes, .. it was very laborious .. almost painful to watch .. but MIL was carted there, by SIL .. and DH and she both worked to get her out of the car, onto the walker, and into the restaurant and seated..... slow slow, laborious .. almost .. just too much to watch. It was the most like an elderly person that you watch with this struggle, and you .. you think .. I bet that person would like to be left alone and not dragged around here and there.

I knew the Abu Dhabi crowd .. they were going to have lunch today with some family on SIL's husband's side of the family that lives nearby .. so we wouldn't see them. Last I'd heard SIL was going to join in on their plans.

But SIL texted .. later this afternoon, that her mom was showering and she hopes that doesn't spend her out .. and her unable to go. I only responded, "Yep .. seems everything is too hard at 88 years old".

She texted that the son and his crew had gone to meet with the other family for lunch and were apparently having a great time there, and sounded as though they may be a bit late to meet us all for dinner, and she wanted to pass along the reservation info she'd made.

I asked her, "Thought you were going with them, to go meet with so and so". She said, "nah .. I stayed home to help mom with a few things .. "

She goes on to tell me she'd gotten a separate pill minder box for the dog's meds (she hasnt' asked yet how these meds will be administered to the dog once she leaves there .. her mom with no strength in her hands and no dexterity .. can't do it). She'd gone and gotten a separate pill minder box for the dog's meds .. and gotten 2 pair of cheapo eye glasses for her mom, one of which doesn't work .. so will have to go back. Said she'd stuck around to help her mom with a few things .. and her mom struggling today .. today being the 15 year anniversary of her husband's death. That her mom is also sad and forlorn this day .. that the long lost estranged son can't be a part of things .. doesn't come around, that she so wishes that he could be a part of all this family gathering. Doesn't understand .. sad day for her.

I only responded, "I guess I'd forgotten the significance of this specific day .. that's a tough one .. that and the estranged brother of yours .. no figuring it out".

She sent an add'l text, "I so hate it for her, it so causes her dismay and pain .. about my brother .. none of us understand it .. I wish I could fix it for her .. I reached out to him with a letter about a month ago, but as always .. no response .. he never responds .. sure wish I could fix it .. But doesn't look like that's ever gonna be possible".

I only responded with the word "Sad". Left it at that. They did come to the restaurant and we all gathered and had dinner together .. it was a zoo .. their 3 kids under 10 years old .. and DD's .. under 4 years old, 3 of them .. it was a zoo to say the least. But seems the kids enjoyed dinner together and their kids are absolutely enamored with the two babies and shower them with attention.

As I said, watching MIL struggle getting into the restaurant .. it did occur to me how ironic . on Mother's day this is the very restaurant, her favorite .. we'd of taken her to, but her unable to do it .. we offered to get her there, .. her unable to do it .. but would we pick up some steamed shrimp from there and bring it to her, that's what we did. Watching her struggle to get in . and get seated .. anybody behind her (and it is crowded there) is just stuck .. moving alone at a sloth's pace .. literally .. that's how it goes. Had to move a number of seats and so forth, just to get her situated.

Then when dinner was over, much the same .. getting her up from the chair .. and onto her walker/rolater .. and moving along at her snail's pace .. and out of the restaurant .. and out to her car .. slow slow slow .. laborious .. painful to watch process.

I was pretty much on the periphery of it all, the restaurant there, .. it gets crowded and loud .. and it was every bit that tonight, and our crowd of 16 .. added to that, .. it was just bedlum. I find that as I get older, the chaos shuts me down. Not that I become unfriendly or grouchy .. I just .. don't really feel like adding to the chaotic scene, so I really just kinda shut down and don't say a lot, just an observer. And that defines how I was . in the scene there. Helping with DD's babies and/or the 4 yo . intermittently .. but that was about it ..

Finished dinner, (oh and OD and s/o did come and meet us there .. and OD seemed to be doing better). I didn't ask her .. not the place with the loud crowd and boisterous atmosphere. But she did seem in better spirits.

That just about sums up the royal visit. They will still be in town tomorrow .. but no plans to gather really, .. and they fly out on Tuesday .. all of them.

MIL has a dental appt tomorrow for SIL to get her to .. and SIL will need to cart back the cheapo reader glasses . the one pair that doesn't work well.

Much hullabaloo was made, or attempted to anyway, by SIL .. as they traveled into the restaurant .. SIL and DH both at MIL's elbows .. and assisting with this long laborious snail's pace process .. and they finally get to where MIL is to sit .. and of course, some jockeying of chairs there, to find suitable space and seating and such .. I don't know .. but that MIL can't lower herself into a seat . no muscle tone in her legs anymore, .. etc .. she struggles mightily with that, even at home .. but at home she has several cushions built up into the two seats where you might find her (sofa and her perch at the kitchen table) .. several cushions thick .. this assists in her being able to get to a seated position .. as she doesn't have to lower herself as far .. and those weak legs of her's won't allow her to lower herself .. it's getting worse and worse and worse.

I did notice that as MIL did take her seat at the table at the restaurant it was almost as if she had to "fall" into the chair .. rather than as most would be able to do, lower themselves into the seat .. she had SIL and DH right at her elbows .. assisting this elderly infirm person .. and it was almost as if she fell .. into the seat .. I saw the unsteadiness of it all, but was farther down on the other side of the long table and saw this.

SIL then came and took her seat .. across from me, with much ado about, "Damn DH almost had her fall, .. he was helping her to get seated .. and he just literally pushed her down .. holding on to her .. didn't tell her there was a chair there .. he just kinda shoved her on down and she wasn't ready .. didn't know there was a chair there, she was . so unsteady".

I didn't even register what SIL said. I saw what she was referring to and yes, DH did .. assist her on down into the seat .. as it was taking FOREVER .. just go get her into the restaurant and on thru the restaurant and to the table, and then the jockeying of chairs .. to find suitable seating for her .. and then to get her to a seated position . .it was all taking forever and a few more forevers .. and just picture like you might do if you were helping a child to get into their seat .. and you have them by the waist . and behind them, both of your hands at their waist holding onto them . that's about the positioning of DH .. and SIL right at her side .. and so yes, he did assist her "down" into her seat .. and yes it did look awfully unsteady .. almost like she just fell into the chair ..

SIL it seemed wanted to make much ado of it. I didn't register what she said to me, . enough going on around me that I could feign being distracted. My thoughts were, "she didn't know there was a chair there?, it was right there, after all the damned hullabaloo about finding her just the right seat .. and jockeying chairs all around in this crowded damn place, .. that people can't even get around, .. til we get her settled .. damn .. she didn't see all this .. how out to lunch is she? ... she was right there, when the bench was moved .. because she needs a chair .. and other chairs sought .. til we could find just the right one .. and she didn't know that there was a chair there and then DH forcibly seating her .. how out of it is she?

But I didn't argue the point, I didn't even really register that I heard what was said to me .. just feigned being distracted by kids and other conversation ongoing.

Just painful to watch it all.

Dorker, is it not possible to simply do what you want to do? and refuse to do anything for MIL? Her problems are hers, not yours. Down tools and ignore rest of family? Evacuate, visit your family when you want to? It seems to me that these are "que sera, sera" people - so why not leave them to it.

Dorker, the supporting, moving and seating thing is one of those aspects of caregiving that you get really good at - just in time for when it's all over.

Yes, it takes forever. As does everything else. When you are very old, and firing on two-and-a-half cylinders thanks to advancing heart failure, you slow down a lot. Why does it take half an hour to put on your knickers in the morning? Because it does. That's just how long it takes.

I found it helped me to remember an anecdote about a woman commuter who had to drive into town and out each day, and her friends marvelling that she hadn't developed an ulcer from the stress of the hideous traffic. What was her secret? "I avoid getting stressed about the journey by not expecting it to take less time than it actually does take."

This didn't make the full five minutes it took to walk the ?forty feet? to the bathroom any less boring, mind, but it did stop me itching to put my hands on mother's back and shove.

If you are assisting someone who has a disability, whatever its cause, then to do the job properly it is important to adjust to their pace, and not to drag them along at yours. Similarly with the sitting. Try it yourself - shut your eyes, ask someone to put a random chair behind you, don't check the height of it, and then sit down. What you'll feel is something like vertigo. So if you want to seat somebody comfortably who has difficulty with the bending and lowering movement involved, you have to keep them securely supported around the waist *all the way down* so that they don't have the sensation of falling. And after all, what's the rush? Doing it sympathetically takes maybe fifteen seconds and a little care over how you position your feet. Big deal.

The reason we find it so uncomfortable to watch is that we expect to see an easy, natural sequence and instead we see a slow, laborious one. But that's okay. She doesn't glide into the restaurant like an able bodied adult, she inches along clumsily and takes up space. So? It's not like anyone's trying to catch a train. Other diners can just remember their bloody manners and have a little patience. Think she's being inconsiderate? Why, isn't she entitled to consideration? It's a sad society that can't stir itself to make allowances for people's obvious infirmities.

Oh I'm all too familiar with how long and laboriously slow she is with everything she does. I see it each time I go over there. It's the reason she doesn't even get dressed most days, opting to stay in her pj's. Too hard to go through the motions of getting dressed.

Listening to her describe the other day when I was there, the process she has to go through to wash her hair, then roll it, then dry it, and how once she's done with that, it's like she is spent for a week .. it takes all day to get through that whole process, .. and not because she's some raging beauty that has to be so very meticulous with her long beautiful locks of golden hair. It's simply because EVERYTHING is monumental, to try to achieve, everything.

Every bit of it to me wreaks that this is a person that shouldn't be living alone .. needs too much assistance. Being around it all the time ... seeing it. But just ask her, "this is where I'm most comfortable ...........". How "comfortable" is it that it takes you the better part of an entire day to wash and set your hair? Why wouldn't it make better sense she be living where there is assistance for that? You say, well on your visits over there, cart her to the beauty salon, let them do the hair for her. Well look no further than what it takes for her to merely get dressed, now you have to navigate out to the car, lower yourself into the car .. and then when you get there, .. of course, more like described in the other post .. about trying to get into the establishment and seated. E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G is a long tedious, arduous process.

She has the present issue ongoing .. her dog that will need meds administered, when SIL leaves. Her with fingers that are too gnarled up .. and no strength left in her hands any longer, .. no ability at all, to bend over like most of us can do .. to bend over and secure the dog to restrain him so you can give him some meds. If she bends over, .. like I would do, she'll be sprawled out in the floor. She certainly can't pick the dog up and cart him to the sofa where she sits .. that's not ever gonna happen. She isn't one who can get down into the floor and sit ..and summon poochy to her .. she would never be able to get down to the floor to do that, and if she did, she'd never get up again.

SIL here presently, and meds being administered by her, for poochy. SIL leaves on Tuesday .. by my calculations .. poochy will need meds another 3 or 4 days .. and no one there on site that can do so.

How cavalier ...

Mentioned it to DH .. in the respect he will need to probably go over there 2 x's daily to finish the course of med administration .. his response: "Oh you'll have to help her with that, I'm working, I can't go over there 2 x's a day".

This had the potential to spark a bit of a dust up here, when I purposely dropped it, saying in response: "Nope .. I'll probably go Wednesday this week, Thursday is so completely not available, prepping for DD's bday and babysitting for her, .. but I can move my visit to Wednesday .. and I'll do the morning meds, when I'm there, .. but I don't know what to tell ya about the rest of it", as I waltzed away. Remains unanswered to.

I find it angers me that these folks don't get the damn memo .. "I GO ON THURSDAYS .. I DO NOT SUPPORT THIS LIVING ARRANGEMENT, THERE IS NO DAMN SUPPOSED TEAM, THIS IS YOUR CHOICE TO ALLOW HER TO CONTINUE TO LIVE ALONE AND YET NO REAL ANSWERS AS TO HOW NEED GETS ME, DOESN'T MAKE IT MY PROBLEM TO STEP UP TO MEET THE NEED", the memo has been sent out in screaming neon colors, and posted on every wall, .. and sent several times .. yet it goes unheeded.

There are these things call pill pockets. You put the meds in them and the dogs regards them as a treat. No bending required.

Why doesn't someone get her a wheelchair for outings?

Sounds like an interesting time with the Abu Dhabi royalty. It also seems that SIL sees MIL's needs. I wonder what SIL thinks will be done about Poochy's meds when she is no longer there?

The 4-H dog club will come to MIL's house 3x/day to administer meds? Is that really what such a club would do? I think the scheduling for that (3x/day?) is going to be troublesome. Who is going to bring these kids over to the house to administer the meds? Parents will be wanting to drive kids to MIL's house for this? I doubt it. I wouldn't do it. The "dog club" is probably more suitable to go to an animal shelter and interact with the animals on a regular basis.

Dorker, your description of MIL's slow speed is similar to my mother's. And getting into and out of cars is difficult for her, as well as getting out of seats. I don't help her, though, because my feeling is that she will depend on that help. The only way she is going to keep any muscles she has is to use them. I probably look like a heel when we are out and about and she struggles so to stand upright it sometimes takes up to 7 or so tries (and people are always rushing over to help her). Sometimes I tell them that she lives alone and there is no one to help her do this at home, so I feel it's important that she continues to do it herself. (I admit, part of this is also that I don't want to be expected to do ONE MORE THING when I have to take her out, and to be micromanaged about that.)

Dorker - your DH still doesn't get it and doesn't respect you. The comment about hurricanes that you are the issue - wanting her in IL for the season. The comment about "you'll have to do it" about poochy's meds. A variation on the "for Chrissakes, can't you just do it?" NO - if MIL can live alone, SHE (not SIL, you, or DH) can find someone to give poochy his meds. Hold firm to your one day per week. I wouldn't change to Wednesday because that is likely to morph into other changes and the slippery slope begins. Keep us posted!!

I made it to be worse regarding Poochy's meds than it actually is...it's 2x/day and not 3x/day as I'd written on previous posts. But, still, that's someone who has to commit to be there 2x/day. Nervy of H to suggest it will have to be Dorker!

Per query to SIL on my part, pill pox have been purchased. I didn't ask whether that is now making all the difference in the world to get the dog to consume oral meds ... I don't have a struggle with the dog .. I simply do as instructed by vet w/my own pets in years past (her dog is really really finicky .. and you can't just put it in a spoon of peanut butter, or wrap cheese around it or whatever, dog won't eat it). My pets .. in years past .. I was taught to stand a straddle of the dog .. detain .. of sorts with my legs .. and then pry open snout with snout pulled skyward .. and shove pill into back of throat .. close snout forcibly .. hold closed and rub the bottom of throat .. and wahlaa .. done. I'm able to do that w/her dog, not a problem in the world. But I don't have the dexterity issues and lack of strength in my hands .. nor the balance issues MIL has.

I didn't ask if the pill pox have made all the difference. Nor did I ask .. "now how will we resolve the ear drops that have to be administered, and then the ear flaps rubbed and massaged to work the ear drops in?". Didn't ask.

Just got a text message from SIL who has MIL at the dentist today for a broken tooth. Apparently it needs a crown .. this can be done on July 12th. Oh .. well that is the day she moved her appt to for her skin issue .. since I'm not available on the Thursday July 5.

SIL asking me, "do you think she can manage two things in one day, the skin issue, .. and the crown?".

I responded: "No, not advisable .. she does good to manage even getting dressed .. to now be dragged for a crown dental appt, and then to the skin doc . no .. not advisable ... in fact, may want to just schedule that skin issue for when you think she'll be in IL (wink wink) .. as .. we don't know for certain at this point what that is on her skin .. and any follow up care, we're now bumping into August. As we've discussed Aug/Sept/Oct .. most dangerous for hurricanes in this area, she really needs to be out of harm's way by then. (wink wink ... throw my dig in).

I felt like saying, but didn't bother .. do as you wish ... but I wanted to say .. "but hey .. you guys all touted that team she has, .. maybe she can get that skin appt moved to something that isn't a Thursday and get someone else to escort/transport ..".

I didn't offer that though . let them figure it out .. or not.

And yes, .. DH has absolutely zero respect for what I say as to my participation in it all. I didn't fight with him about it all, .. fortunately looks as though the pill pox may be the magic wand for the dilemma .. at least it looks that way. And I like what someone else here said, .. 'no .. if she lives alone .. and is fine doing so, then she can figure out how she finds it best suitable to medicate her dog'. Couldn't agree more. That's my whole point.

If she needs this much help .. then why in God's name is it suitable she continue to live alone?!?!?!?

And the question about wheelchairs .. IMO she is the perfect candidate for such .. it would make transporting her around a lot lot easier. But .. asking DH about it, and here was his response:

"you'd play hell ever getting her to sit in a wheelchair to be carted around, are you kidding me, her vanity .. hell no .. she'd never agree to that .. and .. at that place, that specific restaurant .. hell you'd have a hard time even navigating around with a damn wheelchair .. no room".

Interesting that on the suicide ideation issue, .. apparently it did play a little more on DH than he reacted to, at least immediately. Said he did talk to the pastor about it in private yesterday. You have to understand though, he nor I believe her to have any real plan .. and more so . her famous dramatics she's so prone for, . as well as .. that is a real point that she can talk to OD about, and have a real conversation .. and relatable with OD.

He nor I believe her capable of climbing on to a stool . and/or tying any knots. She could certainly do so by some other means .. and we both realize that .. but we don't, he nor I, believe she'd do so. We think it was more some dramatics for whatever the reason .. as well as .. just a means of relatable conversation with OD.

Was interesting, as you remember the pastor and his wife had stopped in to meet with MIL a couple of weeks back.

The pastor was shocked to hear this kinda discussion would've even come up and said to DH: "That's not at all the read I got from her in sitting to visit there".

No, indeed .. that isn't at all the demeanor he saw in visiting there with her, I was there, I was a part of that setting. She wasn't a forlorn .. hopeless ... sadsack in talking with the pastor and his wife.    She didn't mention to him to have his phone number, that she'd like to talk with him in private about some things, .. she didn't mention that life looks so hopeless to her, in fact, quite the contrary.   She painted a picture of someone who has lived a long vibrant life and enjoyed it thoroughly and that she continues to apply that kind of mindset to her daily living these days.   

Even more reason to believe .. histrionics.

DH said the pastor will call on her within the next few days .. just to check in ...

I asked DH if he thinks HE needs to bring it up to his mom and he said, he'd see .. said he'd stay in closer touch (don't hold your breath waiting for that to happen) w/his mom and if he feels he's getting a read for that kinda hopelessness .. he'd maybe take a different approach.

Whatever ...

Just thought that was interesting.

At least it did raise up as a blip on DH's radar .. maybe the pastor not the medical personnel to consult for such things .. but .. when you are like he and I both, and just believe it to be .. conversational to suit the crowd and something to relate on (OD very much can talk on that topic) .. then it becomes less pressing.

DH said he imparted to the pastor, that he thinks this all has to do with the departure for IL that she so dreads and doesn't want to do, but that she needs to .. she needs to go. His words. So . I guess, it's all on me, .. that poor MIL has to go .. until it isn't. Whatever.

Damn, life is frustrating enough without all this. YD just called from a parking lot where someone hit her car, and then left .. and she didn't get the info ..

The front with the young man .. they have taken both of his feet from the shins down and then had to go back in and take his thigh muscle .. it got infected ..??.....they are working hard to save the rest of his legs .. it's tenuous ... said that if they have to go above the knees that changes everything. I don't know anything about life with no thigh muscle and no feet .. and how that works .. but .. I guess that's why there are doctors that specialize in such things. The good news is that the kid seems to be in good spirits despite all of this nightmare (pain meds likely) .. and is talking, .. and his face is fine .. his arms and hands are fine for the most part, his brain in tact .. his eyes ..ears, ... so forth. So there is some good news. Slight that it is.

Thus far everyone is talking to each other and on amiable terms with the above. That will likely change as insurance companies get involved and begin subrogation and law suits commence, .. if they do .. and I'd imagine they will. The kid could need care for the rest of his life, that has to be recoverable in some way.

I see you're having ongoing issues with your mother-in-law. She is not your relative. She's your husband's. He needs to step up.

The wheelchair is easy - no chair, no outing because you will not risk injury to others trying to catch her when she falls. Now granted, my mom didn't go on outings for two years because she figured I'd cave in and let her use the walker. I refer to that situation as "playing wheelchair chicken." If they want to risk their safety, that's their choice. But once you bring in someone who will instinctively try to catch her, they get to protect themselves.

Maryq---

I don't think you've begun to read this whole post. I read your comment and (no offense) when you said "I see you're having ongoing issues with your mil." and I started to laugh...what an understatement.

Please, no offense meant--but this drama has been an ongoing post for 14 months now--added to almost daily.

And Dorker has made huge strides in stepping back and encouraging more help from outside. Old habits die hard. And yes. her Hubby should step up. He just doesn't wanna.

Me, too, Midkid58. MIL is a colorful character that has enthralled (and appalled) so many who read this thread. This thread is a Forum Favorite! Dorker, don't you ever leave us!

Unfortunately, all of it so very true. I don't think I've read in any posts here, throughout this online forum .. any situation that is as dysfunctional. It's sad, but true here.

The latest in it all. I won't be going there at all this week. Thursday would be my normal day to do so, but on Thursday I have some other irons in the fire, (see below). Offered to go on Wednesday .. but SIL said she will be okay if I miss going there this week. SIL leaves today at some point to return home with her royal brood. SIL said that she and her mom did complete the "Five Wishes" thing .. I guess that suffices. I don't really know .. I don't suspect anyone consulted legal counsel to answer that, but again .. nothing I can do a thing about. SIL indicates that MIL will be okay this week, if I don't come .. knows I'm busy .. and she will have battened down any hatches before she leaves today.

YD had gone over to visit at MIL's last night, with the royalty crew. Was interesting what she had to say .. just in passing.

I was pondering, just in conversation with YD.

Everyone knows except DD .. that Thursday .. that evening, entails a surprise party for DD at a restaurant here locally.

DD thinks she is being taken to dinner out, by her husband, on my dime, for what is her 30th bday .. and that I'm watching the kids for her that afternoon so she can ready for her big date night, and o'nite.

What DD does not know, is that when she gets to said restaurant for what she thinks is a dinner out with her husband, .. she will find there, .. a surprise .. for her 30th bday .. we're all there, including some of her friends.

Everyone knows this is in the works, except DD of course.

So in conversation I was just talking with YD .. .and said the following on the above topic:

Me: "I sure hope g'ma wasn't right .. I'd mentioned to her the other day that I wouldn't be able to come on my normal Thursday because have the surprise party for DD for her bday that night .. and went into explaining to MIL what's on tap .... she got me thinking with her response, .. I sure hope this doesn't bite back ... I hadn't thought of it that way".

YD: "What'd g'ma say?, what makes you think there will be a problem".

Me: "I was explaining to g'ma the events as planned, and she said "I sure hope that turns out okay .... DD may have been looking to have a quiet date night with her husband and then to get there and find the babies there, and her 4 yo .. and everybody .. that might not be what she wants!".

SIGH

I hadn't thought of that .. when I began to put all this in motion for what will be DD's 30th bday.

YD: "Awe, ma .... you know DD .. she's all about family and the more the merrier .. she's gonna love it, .. you know that's not her, a quiet date night ... G'ma .. she's just a negative nancy ... she's gotta have something negative to say".

She then goes on to tell me that when she was there to visit the royal crew last night, she'd been in the kitchen for some reason (YD was in the kitchen) .. and MIL making her way into the kitchen also .. and SIL in there already. That SIL had said to YD in passing that she's going home with her brood .. but that she will be returning to retrieve MIL ....

MIL heard this, according to YD .. and MIL rolled her eyes .. as if to say "yea right .. when pigs fly".

I asked YD if SIL saw this and she said no ..

YD said of it, "She just has to be a negative nancy these days .. that's g'ma".

That one little exchange imparted to me by YD .. of what went on last night, just that little nothing of an event, with MIL having rolled her eyes at what SIL had said out loud. It kinda fell like an epiphany on me, like nothing else has.

MIL has become child-like.

I think I have been, for quite a long time, on the page that MIL needs more help .. and doesn't need to be living alone, as we all know here. I've been firmly entrenched on that page .. and alone in that notion .. as has been well established here.

BUT .. that one little exchange of nothingness imparted to me by YD as to what she saw there, and with MIL having rolled her eyes at SIL's notion she'd be returning to get MIL ...

It just struck me, she' become child like. As elderly folks can do.

Of course, I'm the only one that sees/defines that also. I'm alone in that notion. So be it. Her offspring see her as the parent still, capable of making decisions for herself and decisions based in sound judgement. I SO DO NOT see that in her. Not even a little bit. But I'm alone there. So be it.

Wouldn't do a bit of good for me to point that out to her offspring .. "don't you guys realize she thinks like a child now .. and someone needs to take the reigns between you two and help her to make more sound decisions as to her own well being".

Might as well talk to the wind .. will do no good.

I won't be seeing MIL this week and it's probably a good thing. As I weather helping support my brother and his wife .. (his wife is coming apart at the seams over their whole mess .. my brother .. doesn't talk about it really . just shuts down .. the wife .. can think of nothing but this whole mess they are weathering .. with the injured boy .. she can't focus on anything .. can't seem to put one foot in front of the other .. they are both an absolute mess). His wife (who I am close to, always have been) calling on me ........... a lot, for moral support .. and for direction in some cases. Not that I am legal counsel or any other expert as to direction .. but I do have some rudimentary knowledge of some things they should be doing .. and helping to direct her in that path.

On the phone with her .. a lot these days .. in a sense talking her off the ledge. To give an example .. she is torn all to pieces .. just with the knowledge this kid's life is forever horribly altered and possible life-long disability and feels terribly responsible .. and the realization also .. in this other box she's trying to manage .. that they too .. may have had their life altered in lawsuits that may be coming, etc .. and so .. trying to figure what they need to do, if anything .. and seeking legal counsel .. and just a lot of different things to consider. She was so far gone, she called me in a panic that her (this is true, this is literally how far off the edge she is right now) .. that her bank accounts are going to be seized, and their biz they own, padlocked and them unable to earn a living .. she had it in her mind this could happen tomorrow. She's not a stupid person .. she just isn't thinking clearly. Having to talk her down from the edge that's not going to happen .. not tomorrow .. it may .. but not tomorrow .. explaining to her that the matter would have to get before a judge/jury and a judgement against them declared, before the above would happen .. and there's not a soul outside of that .. that can step in and do what she was in a panic over. Advising her to get with an atty .. a good one. They did meet with one the other day, but I told her to get a 2nd opinion .. as I didn't think that lawyer was working in the cope she needs .. the lawyer didn't seem to have some of the basic answers that even I know, and I'm damn sure not a lawyer. The basic answers like .. the health insurance carried on the kid by the kid's dad .. that will be primary right now as to assignment of claims on all the healthcare matters. Beyond that, whoever that company is .. they will likely look to subrogate some of this .. in the direction of her h/o policy .. and/or any other means they can .. and that takes time . it's not a matter that the insurance companies or any others soul can suddenly show up at their door, take their house right out from under them .. and anything in the way of bank accts .. and so forth, doesn't happen that way.

If they'd met with a skilled/competent atty .. they would've been told that. Telling her to get a 2nd opinion .. .with a different atty.

But it's a good thing that I won't be seeing MIL this week .. as I have no patience at all for her whining that she just doesn't want to vacate .. and leave her home. I have none. I would likely not be very kind as I turn to her and say something akin to, "let me tell you a thing or two about what people can and can't do .. you CAN do this and you SHOULD ................... my brother and his wife are staring down the barrel of financial ruin and they can't even think straight these days ... they CAN'T FUNCTION RIGHT NOW ................... THEY HAVE SOME REAL PROBLEMS ................. and worse .. there is a 17 yo boy laying in a trauma unit .. fighting for his life .. absent his limbs at this point .. and you wanna talk about what you *just can't do* ............... get over your damn self .. you have lived a life that has been for the most part joyful and certainly .. absent any of the above horror .. you and yours .. get over yourself .. THEY HAVE SOME REAL PROBLEMS ............... YOU DO NOT!".

I think I'm gunna snap off on somebody. Sick of the damn MIL drama show.

DH popped by his mom's to visit.

She, as he tells me, here we are approaching count down to departure, If there ever is any departure, whining on and on that this is going to "all but kill me to have to do this".

DH put out with the drama show himself.

Said he'd gone by there .. did something or other with getting poochy meds administered. Helped his mom with getting a breakfast together and brought to her at the table...said she had remarked how hard it is for her to gather everything for eating ...the dogs meds...just all of it ..just getting around such a struggle. Said he told her "that's why you NEED to go to SIL's where she can help you!!!"

That was met with more whining and lamenting that she doesn't want to have to leave her home and this is going to all but kill her.

Help me find some sympathy because all I feel is anger. I am so over it!!!!

As someone else here put it ... she hasn't had to load up for evacuation to the local high school with all the other folks who have nowhere else to go and given a cot to sleep on amongst all the noise and chaos of that setting and boxed meals and poochy sent to a separate evacuation site ....

This is her daughter's home for Chrissakes! She will have her daughter to help her ... the comfort of her daughter's home, complete with poochy along for the visit.

How do I find some sympathy for what I am failing to see equates to all this ridiculous drama.

She doesn't want to go.

I don't mean it isn't a good idea for her to go; or that she won't be beautifully looked after when (let's say when, you never know...) she gets there.

But she doesn't want to go. And everybody knows she doesn't want to. God knows she's said so often enough.

So you rally your remaining shreds of sympathy by imagining that somebody was expecting you to cheer up and stop complaining about a project for which you had absolutely zero enthusiasm.

DH had better rehearse saying "it'll be lovely once you're settled in, just give it a chance."

It's reasonable to stand firm about her getting on the plane and going. It's not reasonable to expect her to like it, all of a sudden.

MIL is a child functionally and narcissistic to boot. Why can’t Dorker or DH just come by every day and support me? I am the only one that matters. 14 months later, it’s the same. All you can control is “nope can’t do that.” You can fight and do it and resent, you can not do and not resent but maybe fight. One way is less stress for you!

I'm still in the camp f believing she'd throw herself down a flight of stairs and self injure before she'd ever let anyone move her. I see my mother slowly, but meticulously put the kibosh on ANYTHING she doesn't "want" to do.

This may well come down to a physical force situation---you and your DH need this break from MIL so badly.

Watch out, I fear she's prepping for a big fall, illness, anything that will stop this juggernaut of moving for 3 months.

And I read all the posts of people who are absolutely crying out for love and care, and there sits MIL on her throne, complaining. Ugh.

Time will tell.

I imagine many here would say “don’t go buying trouble” or “worry about getting through today” etc.

Not me.

However it occurs- whether it’s a fall, an illness or plain ole’ fashion stubbornness - MIL is not going anywhere.

Just like this post Christmas trip that made it up to The Vegetarian getting his letter qualifying him as a helper dog so he could fly at MILs side - and then ... nothing. Nothing much said about the mystery cancellation of plans - by anyone- just SIL returning home solo. I’m guessing SIL did not want to admit- that after all her work - after all her planning - MIL refused to go. Better to put a happy face on it and paint a prettier picture espousing The Team.

I dont think it will be as “11th hour” as that fiasco was. Not with the way this is weighing heavy on MILs mind and her continuous verbalizations of “I’d rather die”, “this is gonna kill me”, all with the expectation that DH and/or SIL will respond with “well then, of course not mother - of course you don’t have to leave your home - where everything is set up perfectly for you!”

But the problem is - for MIL - that neither of her well trained children are responding with that. At this point.

So, I predict that MIL is gonna step up her game in the very near future and one way or another - make it clear she’s not going anywhere.

Sooo - my question to you, Dorker is - have you given any thought as to what you’re prepared to do - or not do - regarding it? What your place or role in the aftermath of that decision will be?

I expect you've got enough on your plate to worry about in a dozen other areas. Other areas of YOUR LIFE. I also expect that it would be very easy and tempting to say “not my problem” or “I’m not going to worry about what MIGHT happen at this stage”. I get it.

So, I’ll just close with a movie quote - as is my way:
”Every good chess player knows his opponents moves before he makes them”. ~ Antitrust, Gary Winston

Chess moves.

There really isn't a damn thing I can do about any of it.

Am I going to blow up an almost 40 year old marriage, and tell DH ... "that's it, I'm out ... I am not sticking around to watch all of you coddle your aged mother, to the extent it continues to infringe on my world".

I've already done what I can .. as far as not allowing it all to overly permeate my existence, in setting boundaries of going there once weekly.

Am I going to blow up at all concerned and lay down a gauntlet of "I am not doing another damn thing for that stubborn ole cuss ... she's so fine she can stay in her home . then BY DAMN .. she can stay in her home, and ROT for all I care .. don't ask me to damn thing, not so much as even call her".

That serves what purpose in the end. Blows everything sky high, for one thing.

There's not a lot I can do.

I have made my contingency plans .. that if another hurricane blows this way .. and who knows if it even will, but if it does .... and it looks threatening enough to me, I'm outta here. Everyone knows my plans.

Do they hinge any of what MIL does on the fact that good ole standby Dorker won't be at the ready . better get mom to moving along here, ..

No.

But that would be a first. Each time MIL has had to hunker here .. it's been Dorker at her elbow to service her needs, her's and poochy's, sans the last time, .. when MIL was so insulted at how she did not feel comfortable here. I purposely was NOT at her elbow this last time, .. and worse yet, should there be a next time, I won't just be coming and going from here, and not real present .. I'll be out of state.

So .. how will DH deal with her, .. and him the only one here. That's up to him. I can tell you he won't be Dorker substitute and at her elbow .. he doesn't anticipate need .. as I once did.

That's all in their corner to deal with. Should they feel oh so so sorry that she would have to do this which she so dreads that she'd rather die, and they opt to pat her on the hand with a "there there mother, never fret .. we won't make you do it .. you just stay right here, you don't have to go anywhere",.....

There's nothing I can do about that. And I know that. I can only plan for what works for me and my world, which is to vacate in the event of some weather event necessitating her to evacuate to here. How that all falls with DH at the helm of her care, . not up to me to oversee and micromanage, and I won't.

I just don't seem to have it in me, to summon any sympathy for this whole scene that is ongoing, and ratcheting up now that the supposed countdown is on (no, no dates have been mentioned).

As DH said his mom's words were: "It's gonna be me and SIL's husband .. both of us standing there in a stupor while SIL runs circles around both of us directing the show, and that's just not me .. I'm not like SIL's husband .. she will try to do everything but breathe for me .. and that's just not me ... he will let her, he will let her do everything in the world .. and just stand there in a damn stupor .. as she works herself into frenzies .. that's not me".

That's one of her numerous list of protests as to departing here, there are many.

Her house is so perfectly sets up for her

It's where she is most comfortable

It's where all her things are

How will her house fare, and her not there ....

Her yard

Her car

The list goes on and on and on and on. Many numerous protests she can conjure.

You try to allay any concern, .... (as I've said to her as this repeatedly comes up).... "MIL there are people all over this country that own more than one home and vacate one for the other seasonally .. and it's done just fine .. without problem .. you bleed the house of any water .. once it's vacant .. thus anything in the way of plumbing leaks .. not an issue . you turn the AC unit to whatever temp it will kick on .. to keep mildew and mold at bay .. and leave it be .. you have someone come and crank your car and drive it around the block a time or two .. this isn't forever .. this is temporary .. it's doable .. the yard .. you get that worked out with a neighbor to let the guy into the b'yard and/or give him a key to the gate so he can access your b'yard .. none of this is something that is just not doable".

But the same refrain continues .. different day.

MIL's, "it's where I'm most comfortable".

Me: "But let's think about SIL .... it's not fair to her that she has to always come to you ... and ya know ... it's not like she lives in a dungeon up there, she will make every accommodation she possibly can to help you to be comfortable there, you know that ... and hey .. ya know .. you might find that if you're at arm's length from her, .. and she can see/talk to you .. and yet manage her own life there .. you might find you actually enjoy her more, in that setting. When she comes here, she works like a house on fire .. running to get everything buttoned down and doesn't stop .. maybe if you're there, in her house .. she won't have to worry so about you, you're right there, and she can then manage her life at her home .. yet not have to worry about you ... think about her in all of this".

MIL: "Well I am like a prisoner here in my own home, .. I don't go anywhere, I'm just not able to do it ... so I know that isn't good, that's not healthy".

Me: "That's right it's not .. and who knows .. maybe you and SIL can get out, maybe go to lunch ... maybe even go to see a movie .. or whatever .. ".

MIL: "Well that daughter of mine .. she's gonna have me just like that husband of her's .. standing there in a damn stupor as she runs circles around both of us, as to what we need to/should do .. and that's not me, that's not what I'm about".

ME: "No it isn't you .. but you don't have to just stand there in a stupor .. you will have reading material . you can go in your bedroom and read, .. you can go watch tv .. you can go do whatever you want, you don't have to just stand there in a stupor".

MIL: "And she will have me running from pillar to post to doctors .. I am just past that point in my life .. I really am not in for all that, and she'd have me in every specialists office, to run this test and that procedure, and I'm just not about that anymore".

ME: "Have you told her that?".

MIL: "Don't you think I've told her that, .. you know her . it's always .. *but mother, but mother* as she wants to drag me off to one more procedure, one more test .. ".

It just goes on and on and on.

And then DH there yesterday just to pop in to say hi .. it's like the countdown .. for her (though no dates have been set at this point) .. the countdown is on.. and so the drama is ratcheting up ....

Even DH who has more of a propensity to summon sympathy than I do .. even he said, "it's like she has painted this big drama and soap opera for herself that she's living and gotten such a negative scene in her own mind about it all ....".

I told him, "You're just going to have to keep .. everytime it comes up ... keep putting a positive spin on it .. like I do".

He said he does, but it always circles back to one of the numerous many protests she can list. If it's not one, it's at least 5 of the list of protests.

I won't be a bit surprised if this time, doesn't go like the last time. She was supposed to have been carted up that way back in the spring time .. but of course, SIL and MIL made their command decision and painted things with a rose colored brush of a team in place .. and the decision made, .. no consulting anyone on this end .. done.

Same thing will happen this time. A command decision will be made, .. and so be it I suppose, since there's not a damn thing I can do to change it.

But I am just sick of the drama ...

It's like it was defined here, she's waiting with all these protests and whining ... for one of the well trained offspring to pat her on the hand with a "there there mother" .... and put this all away as anything that's necessary and just leave it be.

Thus far, none of the offspring have offered the much coveted "there there mother".

DH keeps trying persuade that she's going to need to do this.

SIL is busy with her royalty brood .. and so I'm sure this whole topic is off on the periphery. But when the royalty brood leaves .. and this becomes topic dujour of the day .. it will be SIL and MIL that make their command decision .. to leave status quo as it is, and there will be no departure.

I asked DH this morning, "have you ever asked your mom what does she see as her future as to direction for where she should be, she OBVIOUSLY so disdains going to her daughter's ... what does she think she should happen, have you asked her that?".

DH: "No".

Me: "I have .. she always comes back with .. she's ready for that big cloud in the sky to come get her .. and I follow that with, .. okay so .. what if it doesn't .... what if that big cloud doesn't come get you, you are continuing to age and that clock isn't gonna turn back, what do you see that you'd like as to direction for where you will age?, her answer then falls back to .. well I just want to stay right here where I'm most comfortable, with my things and my memories and my treasures .. and I know that I must do all that I can to stay healthy to stay here .. and I do .. I try to do all that I can to not have anything happen to me".

I guess I could follow the above dialogue with, "well yes, that's apparent .. but ya know time marches on for all of us .. and .. let's say you get to where you just cannot care for yourself .. what is it you would like to happen".

I haven't asked that pointed a follow up to her .. only because it would probably be more of the same, "I just want that big cloud in the sky to come get me".

Wishful/magical thinking .. and I don't have the patience for it. Particularly when her offspring are the ones that should be addressing all this .. and if need be .. forcing the issue. And they don't/won't.

It was all brought even more home to roost in the visit by the royalty brood. They were pondering when they'd last seen MIL .. and it was talked about that MIL had gone to IL .. back when their oldest was a baby ..

Their oldest is 10 years old.

I don't know what age of baby that oldest was at that point, .. but that's the last time MIL has been anywhere ....

Her being so firmly entrenched here, .. and dug in, in her home .. and unable to do for herself .. for how many years now .. as it's grown progressively worse .. has been on us .. to see about her house, her welfare, her dog's welfare .. and we need a break from it all.

Yes, we get a break when SIL comes and she does so frequently. But ... SIL when she comes also finds a honey-do list she then dishes out to DH as to what he needs to be doing as to house repair and so forth over there. It's not like she comes and takes over entirely and it's like MIL is out of sight out of mind .. no ... not at all. And SIL then .. barks up the tree about what she's doing .. and what needs to be done .. and then what can we can maybe see about of the X, Y and Z list .. when she leaves.

There are no chess moves that can be made.

But struggling at the moment, to not bow the h3!! up at MIL .. and just tell her where the water hits the damn wheel and quit with all the whining/b*tching/moaning/complaining .. this ain't a damn prison sentence .. it's your daughter's home ...... get over your damn self.

If MIL doesn't go, Dorker will continue to go and see her on Thursdays, as she does. Dorker will evacuate in case of a serious Hurricane and allow DH to manage on his own.
Dorker has changed the one and only thing she can--her own behavior.

Sadly, there will at some point be a hospitalization and the question of the Yellow Bedroom will again be raised.

Dorker will say "no". Politely, but firmly "no".

She SHOULD be involved in the discharge planning on that occasion, so that the folks at the hospital get a full and true picture of what MIL can and can't do and how much help actually exists in the home.

Dorker, get ready. Mentally prepare yourself. Sooner, rather than later, MIL is going to have an illness or take a fall and end up in the hospital. You need to be ALL OVER the discharge planner or social worker and let them know under no uncertain terms that MIL lives alone and WILL be alone if she goes home. They try their best to bully you into taking care of MIL because, well, it requires some effort on their part to find a facility and arrange her care.

Trust me. MIL will lie to them saying she has family coming to stay with her and take care of her round the clock. Yes, she will lie to them. I've seen this many times with my aunt. She was willing to go home with a broken back and an extremely high heart rate, barely able to function. We had to fight to get them to send her to a rehab facility for PT.

Dorker - take a deep breath my friend - I can tell you are angry and ready to blow. YOU are the only one concerned about MIL and hurricanes. I know in the back of MIL, SIL, and DH's minds are "perhaps we won't be hit with a hurricane - then we don't have to deal with it, or if we are, she can stay a few days at Dorker and DH's" - they definitely don't see it the same way you do - or see the need to cart the old bird off for three months for "what if". Stop talking about it to them.

I know this is hard - I'm dealing with something myself - but way in the future. If my FIL predeceases my MIL - my MIL's expectations (and FIL and extended family) are that she'll live with us. We have said "no". But there is no planning for their aging or what they'll do if both need help with ADL's, etc. My DH is the kind to cave when his parents get pushy, then resent it and blow up down the road. As my FIL ages - I can see a showdown within the next 3 years as to where MIL will live and anticipate all of the fighting i'll have to do with DH, his MIL, his battalion of aunts/uncles and extended family and come across as a b&5ch because I refuse to have her live with us. Kind of the sword hanging over your head - you know at some point the rope will fray and "wham".

Try to disengage if you can - do your Thursdays and no more and if they won't worry - why should you? Get some rest and enjoy your DD and the grandkids today.

Dorker,
My heart breaks for your brother and his wife. Yes, it does sound like the wife is panicking and near the edge. I’m sure sleep deprivation along with the stress is consuming both of them.

I think you have planned a lovely surprise party for your daughter. I’m sure she will love it!

I too am in the camp that it is going to take an act of God to get MIL on a plane. So expect a full court press from her. It’s already started actually.

Unfortunately, for all the reasons you’ve listed it’s not safe for her to remain in her home. But, short of her being bound and gagged (don’t think the airlines will allow...just kidding!) if she doesn’t want to go she’s not going.

Just a side note here and DHs objection to a wheelchair. I bought one a few years ago at Walgreens. Not expensive, not real big, folded flat. It was a chore for me to lift it and get it in my car trunk but would be NO problem for a healthy man to load and unload. It was a dream to maneuver in restaurants and Drs offices. Again, not your problem but the excuse that it would be inconvenient is not accurate.

DD on her way here to drop off kiddos.

My focus for the next several hours is going to be trying to pull off this surprise party and of course the care of the kiddos through tonight and in to tomorrow.

So MIL ... and all that drama ... it doesn't have to be in my face at present and it's probably best it isn't for her sake.

Now if we can get thru this event without MIL summoning because of some calamity on her and that sidelines the plans for DD's bday ... it'll be an accomplishment.

Haven't heard any more news from my brother and his wife other than they did go sit down with an atty and some of the answers as to how things progress here forward as to the severely injured guy..some of those answers seemed to settle my brother's wife a little more. That and a visit to her doc for some Vallium.

That situation is not going to resolve for a long long time and I'm sure my brother and his wife wish they could turn the click back and do things differently. They are going to be facing this problem for the indefinite future.

Dorker, how did you D's surprise birthday celebration go?

And not a peep from MIL, I hope!

Surprise party went off great, no glitches w/MIL and calamities on her end, thankfully.

YD in a quandary .... she'll have to figure it out .. and work around it. I guess, the story goes, when SIL was here, she scheduled follow-up vet visit in conjunction with YD .... for poochy from his various ailments and their request to see him again at the vet. YD in a pickle as to a conflict somehow with her schedule, and voicing some of that. My only response to YD "hope you work it out, you know .. you don't have to do anything .. or you do what you want ... it's up to you", left it at that.

Probably not news anywhere else in the country but 3 storms brewing out in the ocean. None of which are predicted to pose any threat ....

BUT ....

Just a reminder .. we are in that season at this point, .. and .. one of these times it could be one that has churned up and predicted to be something of a threat ...

Just in conversation with DH this morning on that topic, his response .. a dreaded tone to his voice responding: "And ... SIL is still tied down with her crew from Abu Dhabi .. until ...???....like the 15th ...???...something like that, and no word from anybody on when or if mom is to depart here, God help us".

That was his response.

Whatever.

I had thought/pondered this morning .. it was rather calming actually .. were any of those that are out there churning at this point, looking to be a threat of any sort .. you can bet, I'd already be on the horn with my mom ... and making contingency plans to head for high ground where she now lives.

Pondered .. all it takes to ready for one of these events .. one must first and foremost go stock up with canned goods (I have enough canned goods here that I could feed an army for a month) ... bottled water, flashlights .. candles ... (yes I could go stock all that right now and have it on hand) .. gas for the generator .. so forth.

But ... I'm not going to do any of it ...

I won't be here. I can hear it now, "But Dorker, you're leaving for your mom's .. I'm gonna have to go load up mother and her dog and bring them here, can't you take care of running to the store to stock us up here to weather this .. can't you go get what we need and have it here".

Nope.

That's part of what all goes into weathering one of these things .. going and gathering all one might need to hunker down .. and then one has to go and help MIL to gather/organize what she needs to bring .. as to her needs/her dog's needs .. and then haul it all over here, she and the dog.

Have at it ....

Not gonna be here to do all that.

Good for you. Remember to just do what is right for you. That seems to be the mantra here. Make Mom happy. And you’re mom too.

Those of you who pray or care to send positive vibes, please do so. The young man injured on my brother's property has now lost both legs above the knee .. and a hamstring muscle had to be removed. He flat-lined on the surgery table but was brought back.

It all seems so grave. My heart breaks for all involved.

Is being kept heavily sedated at this point, .. I don't know .. I guess that's normal for these kinds of things.

Wish I thought faster on my feet, apparently I fail at that task.

Went by MIL's last night, just for a brief visit, accompanying DH.

MIL wanted to know/hear about the Surprise Bday party for DD. Began telling her, she interrupted, said the following:

"Why didn't you invite me, I would've loved to have been a part of that".

Were I someone who thought faster on my feet, I'd of scoffed at such a notion and said "Invite you?, we do .. all the time, to varying things and you're never up to it".

But that's not what I said ....

I only scoffed and said (the truth) ... "OMG MIL .. we had those two babies to contend with and the 4 yo .. and getting in and out of that restaurant ... the walkway a long winding one .. you'd of not been able to get into the place".

She responded: "Ya know the night you guys were doing that, I sat here and thought, how much I'd of loved to have been a part of that".

SIGH

Yes in her more agile days .. she'd of been a part of that and loved it, every minute of it.

But nowadays ... ???

No.

Did I think to invite her? Maybe fleetingly so, but I came to the conclusion that she never partakes of anything we include her in .. always begging off w/"I'm just not able to do that". So any fleeting thought of including her, .. that was my summation and so it went no further, in my thought process. Nor did DH even mention trying to figure a way she could also be a part of it.

The truth .. we had the two one year old's to contend with .. and a 4 yo .. DH and myself. MIL requires so much assistance, on her walker, .. I don't honestly know how we'd of managed getting her picked up .. she who takes so long to get ready and make any forward progress .. (stays in PJ's all day every day) ... would've had to get there super early to keep her on task .. and forward progress at getting dressed .. and ready .. and then help her to the car .. and into the car .. all while contending with 1 year olds (two of them) running amok there at MIL's ..

Then, get to the restaurant and me with a 1 yo on my hip and DH with a 1 yo on his hip .. holding hands with the 4 yo .. to keep her from darting off .. and one of us holding onto (Somehow) MIL .. and her walker, .. to keep her from letting go of the walker and falling on the long winding walkway into the place.

We'd of needed a handler specifically for her and her needs.

Made me feel bad .. at least initially, that she'd been excluded and not invited.

But then .. made me feel angry ....

That she isn't more cognizant of her own limitations and realization that she really wouldn't of been able to manage it on her own, and that me and DH already had our hands full. Why make me feel bad over something she couldn't of done anyway.

Wish I thought faster on my feet as I said. The answer should've been a scoff and a "Invite you?, ................ we do .............. anytime we're doing something we invite you and you always decline ... ".

And left it at that.