I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Brought about a reminder to me on another point MIL has tried to drive home (but not recently). A relative has bought a beautiful (small) home in a historic district and worked to restore it. We did go visit and it is a showplace (small but so quaint and cute). This is in an area that's about 8 hours away from here by car.
MIL has put in (though not recently thankfully) many times that she would love to go see it before she dies.
I feel no compunction at all to figure a way to make that happen. Thus, why I would feel any FOG over the Surprise Bday party she didn't get included in on ... go figure.
This little historic home that was purchased and restored .. it's cute as can be, but not at all ADA friendly. Not even close. And there are no bedrooms downstairs .. only upstairs .. and up some pretty steep narrow stairs ....
MIL if she could even get to this place .. which is 8 hours away (she could fly but the closest airport to there is gonna be an hour or so away from where this home is) .. if she could even get there by car and that's a point of contention I don't even wanna entertain .. an 8 hour car trip with someone with her health limitations. If she could even get there, then there would need to be ADA accommodations at a nearby hotel somewhere, for she and poochy, also pet-friendly hotel, as well as ADA room. Then you could get her to this relative's home .. and she could view the outside. She'd struggle to get inside .. steps up to get into the house and no railing to hold onto. But there'd be not a snowball's chance in hades of her going up the narrow steep stairs to see the upstairs of the home.
It would all be pointless.
Thus, I haven't felt the slightest tug to figure out any way to make that happen for MIL even though it has been mentioned by her so very many times, how much she'd like to somehow make it there, to see this historic home that the relative has bought and restored.
So, interesting to me that I even felt any tug at all, at her FOG .. over the Surprise Bday party that she didn't get included in.
Thanks for that reminder as to the grand-daughter's wedding on your end, and no compelling reason for you to move heaven and earth to make it happen.
I asked DH later, "did you feel bad that your mom missed out on the surprise bday party when she mentioned it".
His response: "Quite honestly I felt like she has rocks for brains .. hell it wasn't but a few weeks ago, invited her to come here, we'd go pick her up ...bring her here, find suitable seating for her here .. and she could be carted back home .. by one of us .. and she couldn't do it .. no .. I didn't feel bad .. it would've been a damn nightmare to try to figure out how to make that happen to include her".
True, very true.
She will have "seen it before she dies."
And THAT should be the end of that! (ignore future comments about that house).
Old folks just like to complain and get attention.
She knows darned well she would/could NOT have handled going to your daughter's party! She KNOWS that! She just wants a pity party.
Funny how these things have a way of revealing themselves just when you need it most.
Here I was ... .last night, at least somewhat, feeling like maybe I should've turned the world off it's axis to accommodate above ... and then working thru/processing it all, only to then come away with some indignation .. at least as my own mindset .. of "how dare her" ... with the whole "I would've loved to have been a part of that, why didn't you invite me", .... when it's well known anything we invite her to do, she begs off, unable to do it. How dare her.
So then this morning I post on here about that, and Guestshop reminded me .. she too has her own cross to bear in her MIL and the want to attend a g'daughter's wedding .. and Guestshop not about to try to move heaven and earth to make it happen. A much needed reminder.
And then this happens ...
I already know that on YD's radar is a visit back to the vet for follow up on poochy's ailments ... not real clear in my own mind, is it today .. tomorrow, ... don't know (doesn't matter, doesn't involve me).
So on the radar today I am cooking dinner, for YD and b'friend who is coming into town .. for tonight and tomorrow. YD's request, ..
Somewhere in all that I know, vaguely, there is to be a Poochy visit to vet ... not sure when.
So YD and I putting together some ingredients working on part of dinner tonight, in the kitchen. Home phone rings, .. see that it's MIL calling.
YD debates out loud whether to answer it, .. since she and I are headlong into putting some things together for dinner tonight.
I said out loud, "don't answer it, call g'ma back when we finish", but before I got that sentence out, she'd already answered with a "hello".
MIL calling, to talk to YD.
Seems the dental appt for this Thursday set up by SIL when she was here ... SIL cancelled the skin affliction issue that was to be this Thursday in lieu of the dental issue ongoing .. (my advice when SIL asked me, can MIL do a dental and a derm appt in one day and I answered with a resounding no .. that she does good to get dressed and attend to one appt if at all, much less two in one day .. that if my opinion is sought here, .. my advice ... schedule the skin affliction issue to be attended to once in IL, as follow up care might impede any progress as to departure here, and we are upon hurricane season at this point).
I don't know what SIL did to attend to that skin affliction issue that was to have been seen about this Thursday ...upon my weekly visit .. but I do know she did cancel that appt in lieu of getting her mom to the dental appt on Thursday ....
So the phone call this morning to YD from MIL went about like this: "The dentist, I have an appt your mom was to take me to on Thursday .. and I know ... you are coming tomorrow to take the dog to the vet for me, but the dentist office called and there is some problem, the dentist can't be there on Thursday and they want to know if I can reschedule to come in today or tomorrow .. he won't be there to see me on Thursday .. and I know you are already spoken for to take poochy for me, to the vet, so I wanted to see if you have any time today or tomorrow to get me to the dentist ... I told them at the dentist office that I would have to check, that I'm really kinda stuck here, and dependent upon what others can do to get me there".
I hear this being said on speaker phone and all the while DD is grimacing .. as she knows that already on the radar is a vet visit for poochy and her b'friend's arrival here, that she wishes to spend time with of course ... and she knows that part of that b'friend's visit here will be to also attend to and see his g'mother that lives here .. there will be a visit in that direction (I learned afterwards when YD got off the phone with MIL).
YD grimacing and making a face at me, saying .. mouthing silently ... "I can't do this .. damnit ... I have already got the vet visit to take care of and I WANT to spend time with my b'friend".
I shrugged my shoulders as I continued working on the recipe .. in her now absence, to attend to this phone call from MIL, and said (mouthing silently) "then don't do it".
I heard her say (and I'm proud of her) "I'm sorry g'ma ... I really can't .. I don't have any time, I'm already gonna need to get poochy to the vet for you ... and P is coming in town .. and I want to spend some time with him .. and we're to also go see his g'ma that lives here in town .. and so I really just don't have the time .. I'm off Monday and Tuesday of next week if they can see you then .. but .. I really just can't do it today or tomorrow ...".
I then hear MIL ask her, ".....and on Wednesday you're back at work?". YD confirms that as accurate.
So it was left that MIL would call the dentist office back to see if they have anything Mon or Tues of next week, in which case I guess YD will be in service to that issue.
I was to have taken her on this Thursday but as stated above .. the dentist has some conflict and can't be there. Next Thursday is her appt for her knee injections .. so ... if she's looking for a time when I can take her .. it'd have to be a Thursday .. and obviously the dentist isn't available this Thursday having called to cancel it.
It was just such a stark reminder of why we're where we are with all this.
My day is already slotted out ... as to what I'm doing. There was a time when I'd of moved heaven and earth and cancelled what was on my list of to-do's to take care of getting this accomplished. There's good reason I stepped away from doing so. Very good reason.
Could I have taken her today by moving aside what I'm doing. Yes, but I no longer do that.
Could I have taken her tomorrow .. no ... I have a doc appt for myself, and a church function tomorrow .. that would've necessitated I move my world around, as I used to do.
You see ...
Within the last couple of weeks, cropped up on the horizon as to need on that front, has been a poochy visit for ailments .. and some skin affliction that popped up out of nowhere .. on MIL's behalf .. and a tooth issue that has been hanging in the b'ground for some time, .. as well as the knee injections that come around every 3 months.
And this .. a person who is left to live alone .. and manage .. and yet refuses to partake of city services as to transport and/or avail herself of whatever "Supposed Team" there is .. so it was said .. as to MOW drivers .. or neighbors .. or whatever.
Loose ends.
Just a much needed reminder that crops up out of nowhere here on a day it was sorely needed.
No, I can't choose to make MIL vacate to where she can get more help, not my choice to make. But I also don't have to jump through all the hoops it takes to manage it all.
Nor does YD .. and good for her, for sticking to her guns and declining any help with the above mentioned new dilemma.
MIL needs to get to the dentist at short notice? And she's up and about and taking phone calls?
No problem. This is why God invented taxi services.
Keep the number by the 'phone. When MIL calls needing a lift, give her the number. Or, if you're feeling generous with your time, you could even offer to book the cab for her.
What would drive me round the TWIST is the number of conversations had per fairly straightforward issue. Holy teeth!
I guess not .. because she's so very unsteady on her feet (and she is) that it's best someone be there to hold her purse .. and hold/open the doors for her .. and help her along.
But she's fine to leave as status quo.
Yes indeed taxi, but ... "she's not comfortable going anywhere w/strangers".
Holy teeth is right!
No this dental appt has been something that needs to be seen to for some time. MIL has known there is a broken tooth .. needs to be seen.
I think SIL had that on the radar for when she comes ... all along, .. and indeed they went. There it was determined whatever it is that needs to be done .. and so a subsequent appt scheduled, by SIL to see to it ... for this coming Thursday when I'd be there, which meant now cancelling the appt for the skin affliction that has cropped up.
Only now .. conflict ... because lo and behold the dentist can't be there on Thursday afterall.
I hate it that in the end, this is an elderly mother in law, that is .. in the end .. not being seen promptly to address what is a broken tooth (one that has been broken for some time tho) ...
But again, reminder to myself, .. she doesn't have to live alone here with little to no support .. she chooses to do so. She doesn't have to refuse various other means of transport to these kinds of things, she chooses to refuse same.
So be it.
You are, after all, suggesting that she do something that millions and millions of people do every day. You are not recommending that she take up scuba diving or goat yoga.
If she would bend one inch--and just get an Uber acct (I know, the chances of that are nil) she could manage so much more. I use Ubers when I travel and the drivers are unfailingly helpful--they would maneuver a walker with no problem. Heck, they'd probably walk her to the dang dr's office door!
Stand firm on those boundaries. She's a tricky one, for sure!
But she refuses to utilize any service ...
Is she the typical elderly person who carries a purse the size of a samsonite and the weight of an anvil? My aunt insists on taking her giant purse everywhere and ends up only needing her CC and ID. I cannot even count the times she has said, "I will just leave this heavy purse in your car. I don't know why I brought that heavy thing!" I always have to put it in my trunk so that it won't be laying in view to tempt thieves who walk by. Could MIL ever manage a fanny pack and a rollater?
She uses a teeny tiny little purse, in fact, she always has to travel with her file of paperwork .. (as if docs don't have all that info now .. at their fingertips already), someone to hold that for her. She has to have her sunglasses .. (the case doesn't fit in her teeny tiny little purse) and her regular glasses (the case doesn't fit in her teeny little purse) and so guess where the eyeglass cases go? My purse. She has to have her jacket along, in case she gets cold. Guess who has to hold that.
She can't manage the purse and holding onto her walker (yes it has the little basket that has the seat that folds up and down) but once it's collapsed to be put in the trunk, the stuff that's in that basket .. susceptible to fall out. She can't hang onto her purse, she's already given me her two eye glass cases for her sunglasses, eyeglasses and I have those in my purse .. and hand them out accordingly as the dutiful servant . and her jacket, and generally a file folder of her paperwork.
Reads: "Mom says that dental appt for Thursday that you were going to get her to, .. the dentist office called and the dentist won't be in .. and so they needed to reschedule it til noon tomorrow. I don't know if mom asked you but she said she did ask YD and YD isn't able to take her, .. besides YD is taking poochy to the vet tomorrow at 4."
I answered it: "yes I heard YD tell her that she's off next Monday and Tuesday if they want to schedule it then".
SIL: "Sounds like that dentist office has some weird hours".
My response: "I dunno".
SIL: "They are actually just working to fit her in. I thought the dentist was coming in especially to see her, he's to be on vacation. Wasn't gonna be there that day. Mom says it's just too much trouble and too hard to figure it all out with transportation problems and all. Says she might just say forget it, unless she ends up driving herself there tomorrow. It's crazy hectic here ... I've' been able to manage to call mom a couple of times daily but the calls are really pretty limited. Maybe I can call the dentist tomorrow".
Me: I know that YD is slated to take poochy back to the vet again for her tomorrow .. and she's not available tomorrow before that. Maybe they can get her in like YD suggested, that's all I can tell ya".
SIL: "I'll try and give them a call tomorrow and see if I can'tn figure something out, she has a big hole in that tooth and it needs to get fixed".
My response: "ok".
And that finished that.
Arm twisting .. am I the only one that sees the potential there for arm twisting .. that I simply didn't fall prey to.
Hate it that she has a gaping hole in her tooth .. and that it's "just too hard to figure it all out with transportation issues".
But I'm' not gonna get into a pissing match over suggestions I've made previously that fall flat (GOGOGRANDPARENT, Uber, .. taxi's .. city transit, .. Team MIL) .. not going there .. it's pointless to waste my own thoughts and energy to suggest it .. it's been done ..and falls flat.
So .. if it's not bothering MIL .. and she's just gonna say "forget it" .. then maybe SIL should do the same. If not, knock yourself out, call the dentist .. see what you can do to work around what YD offered .. I don't know .. or maybe suggest one of the numerous options I've brought up previously, options that always fall flat.
Oh well, leave status quo . her unable and struggling to get adequate care .. but BY GOD she's in her home where she wants to be!
Absent the appointment on the Thursdays that I go there .. not much I am willing to do to offer a fix in it all.
Boundaries, firm ones.
I have to confess that 1) the only time I went to a yoga class, goats or no goats, I put my neck out and didn't get over it for months and 2) my "reliable" source is The Archers, a radio drama series established after WW2 to inform the population about "the everyday lives of country folk." One of these plain country folk is a New Ager whose business venture 'Spiritual Home' offers alternative therapies in yurts in a field. I will stop right there because her storyline goes off on ever more improbable tangents and explaining it would take 'til Christmas.
My mother is the same way with her glasses and sunglasses, but she usually takes care of her own things. I do feel like her servant, though. There are so many "rules." We are in the parking lot and she strains to "help" me (ha!) find a handicapped parking space. She exclaims or covers her eyes because she thinks I'm going to run into something (she has horrible depth perception). Then I have to go fetch a cart for her to use as a walker, and she struggles to get out of the car (I don't assist), and direct her as to how to get into the store. I have to tell her where everything is (she can't remember), and have to reach to (if she can't herself) get the furthest back box or can or carton (with the best expiration date). If she feels I didn't put forth a good enough effort to get the last box/can/carton, she will sometimes (attempt to) crouch down and see for herself that her Dummy Driver Daughter did a good enough job. She stands in front of the items forever to make sure there are none of her (self-imposed) banned ingredients. She has a hard time reading the fine print, sometimes, but I rarely help. I'm not enabling her food obsessions. A lot of time is spent pondering the frozen diet meals (Lean Cuisine, Smart Ones, Healthy Choice). And then she has to be directed to where the checkouts are, items loaded onto the belt, reusable bag with blue ice prominently placed at the beginning of the order (I've already been directed about this bag numerous times..."Where are you going to put it?" when she gets into the car, etc.) I'm told to zip it up, because I'm such a Dummy. There is always some issue at checkout, but I let the cashier handle that, since by this time I'm at the front of the cart. Then back to her condo we go. She struggles to get out of the car while I get the rollator out of the back and put it by the car. I haul her groceries in and put them on the counter. (I used to put the frozen and cold items away, but I no longer do so.) And then I can escape!
The only suggestion I have is to not get involved in the scheduling suggestions AT ALL. Don't say what YD told her (or MIL) about being available Mon/Tues of next week. Let that be between them. I know you want to spare YD some of the back-and-forth, but it would be best for you to just step out of the dentist scheduling completely (unless it's on a Thursday, and then you can take MIL).
If MIL wants to prioritize Poochy care over her own health/dental needs, then so be it (which is what she's doing, since YD is taking Poochy to the vet today, and that could have been cancelled to take MIL to the dentist, correct?).
Oh this BURNS my biscuits! I've been victim of that type of passive aggressive carp before too.
You should have said "Yeah, maybe she will do ok driving since she doesn't want to avail herself of any other options." At that point, SIL's head would probably explode and she would shout what we all know she is thinking, "WHY CAN'T YOU JUST TAKE HER THIS ONCE?! WHY IS IT SO HARD JUST THIS ONCE?!"
But you know it would never be just this once. When that door opens enough for a foot to get in, then it is yanked off the hinges and the DAILY NEED will come flooding back in.
Stand firm. Your battle is only beginning. They will probably start turning on you and trying to make you feel badly for not stepping back into your old role and making their lives easier by taking care of everything so that they won't have to "worry."
Book her a cab.
Would you like me to book her a cab?
No, we can't take her. She'll need to take a cab.
When the riposte is "oh, she's uncomfortable with drivers she doesn't know..." you say: "oh dear. Still. She wants to get to the dentist. So she can take a cab."
Be A Wall.
Get that printed on a t-shirt.
Wear it every time they present you with a "MIL need."
I don't know what tomorrow will bring, or later today or next week, as to my own emotions in it all, but as of right now, I just don't care. Maybe as Guestshop put it, my compassion bank is on empty at this point. Maybe that's it. But I just don't care.
There was a time, and SIL knows it, .. she'd of thrown that out there about "if she doesn't just drive herself there", .. oh that would've elicited from me, a whole diatribe about how she can't do that, shouldn't do that, .. you guys need to take her keys so that's not an option for her to even consider, why don't you take her keys ... why don't you guys insist that she take a cab, or GoGoGrandparent, ... or whatever whatever whatever ... followed by, this is why she doesn't need to be living alone any longer, her needs are too great .... she'd of gotten a long epiphany from me, that I actually thought anyone cared to listen to.
I just don't care anymore, and it's about all I can do to not say that, precisely. "SIL, I just don't care anymore".
I mean ... let's be real here. Their mom was supposed to have departed here months ago ... for a temporary stay in IL with her daughter, months and months ago .. but some calamity then put that off as an option .. nursing her back along. So then the next marker came, that she was to depart here in April .. as it was said, "Don't wanna drag her up here in the dead of winter".
April came and went, MIL still in place.
I DON'T THINK SHE NEEDS TO BE THERE, LIVING ALONE.
And I'm tired of saying it, to deaf ears. Really really really exhausted with saying it. Just done .. over it.
I don't subscribe to what it takes to prop it all up and I've said it and said it and said it, yet the continual subliminal needs keep cropping up in the form of some covert arm twisting.
To me, it's so crystal clear, as if I'm looking thru the waters of a crystal clear lake at the beautiful rocks and formations of sand at the bottom .. it's just that clear to me. I can very readily delineate/define the fact .. she cannot adequately manage living alone. She doesn't have the resources to hire out all that needs done, nor would she if she did, .. doesn't want to have to depend on "strangers", for rides, .. and/or any other need(s).
Well, .. okay so for me, who sees all this crystal clear .. what you have left is someone who, as defined above in another post .. wants it all her way .. her servant(s) at her beckon call, .. and age in place.
Well it doesn't work like that. Either you age in place, because you planned accordingly and have the funds to prop all that up ... or you are more pliable (which I realize elderly are not known for being particularly pliable) as to who meets the need, and how. She is neither.
So her daughter wants to do her bidding from afar ... "Mother's dentist cancelled her appt .................", blah blah blah.
I guess what I'm not real clear on is why that even comes up on my radar at all. I have been nothing but clear about what my participation is going forward. So placing it ever so gingerly in my view .. in the hopes I'll pick it up and run with it, is going to fail every time. Yet it continues.
I've said everything I have to say about it, to all parties concerned, til I could choke on the words. I don't think she needs to be living alone, needs far too much support .. support she doesn't have or is unwilling to partake of. I've said it til I could choke on the words. To no avail. Doesn't matter what I say.
I get it, .. not my choice, ... she wants to remain in her home .. I get it, you guys, her offspring are going to allow her that latitude, apparently unable to see the crystal clear lake view to the bottom that I see ... I get it, .. that's what you guys want to allow her.
The bits and pieces of how it all doesn't fall into place ... as to her care ... is no longer in my corner to manage, or even attempt to.
I mean, c'mon .. this isn't rocket science .. you guys don't want her driving. Take her damn keys. Simple, have an earnest conversation with her, about the dangers of said attempts .. take her for a driving test .. let's let an unbiased professional assess what the capacity is there, to do so ... (all suggestions I've made, to no avail).... you don't want her driving, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
Oh okay you don't want to do something about it, ..
Okay gotcha!
Doesn't mean that is going to elicit from me a whole bunch of panic and a long diatribe about, "now .. now .. we can't have her do that, you poor dear up there in IL trying to enjoy your g'children you so rarely get to see, let me take this ball and run with it here, I'll call the dentist and see what works for me, and my schedule and get this all smoothed out, I'll get her seen at the dentist, don't you worry SIL ... not to worry ... no we mustn't let her drive .. no no no .. never".
There was a time something akin to the above would've been elicited in me .. in the scenario we're talking about. That ship has sailed. Long ago.
You guys don't want her driving her car ... then do something to assure that doesn't happen. Obviously, you don't really care all that much whether she does or doesn't .. because you leave that open as an option at her fingertips .. go get her keys and off she goes. Obviously that's okay with you guys, absent any action to stymie it. So, .. okay with you guys, more than okay with me too.
Obviously all the loose ends, of all it takes to manage her welfare, her dog's care, her household care ... all of it .. obviously that too is okay with you guys, her offspring .. and all the loose ends that dangle as to no one to step forward and speak to the need and no clear definition of who/how/where/when .... obviously that's okay with you guys too in your implied inaction. Okay with you guys, more than okay with me too.
But don't come at me with your b's gingerly putting before me the latest need dujour and expect that I'm going to send up flares of action and a whole lot of dialogue on what should and shouldn't happen and how it should and shouldn't occur.
I just don't care anymore.
At the other end of that is a very needy/frail, incapable elderly woman that I do care about and I will continue to engage with limits .. strong/firm/unyielding limits .. for my own sanity's sake ... I will go and visit on occasion if DH requests I accompany him. I will go on my scheduled Thursdays .. and do what I can within that realm to help her.
It's like you need to say to SIL .. specifically to SIL .. since she's the one that beckons from afar .. DH far too disengaged in the day to day what it takes to prop it all up ... far too disengaged .. he's too busy with his own *stuff* to engage and always will be .. so it's like it needs to be said to SIL ... but it's been said before, countless times, and yet the beckoning still continues.
"SIL I just don't care anymore .. I love your mom .. I truly do ... and she has been a great mother in law to me through the years .. the best mother in law ... and she's been a wonderful g'ma to my kids ... the absolute best .... but .. ya know, I was in this thing for 15 long damn years ... all the way back to before your dad even died .. helping him .. helping her ... hell .. I even took her ..was the one to walk her through years/eons ago .. a sleep clinic issue ..and took her for the o'nite stay for monitoring and then picked her up before daylight the next day .. that's before your dad died .. that's eons ago .... I was in this thing .. in it .. all in .. for eons .... .I've said it before countless times, but apparently you guys don't care because nothing changes ... I've said it and said it and said it .. her needs have grown too great ... and my world is no longer about running to answer to the beat of that drum .... I've said it every way I know how to say it .. to every party involved .. but nothing changes ..... I've made every suggestion I know to make, .. complete with being willing to contribute to what it will cost to hire help to come in .... suggestions with the need to engage outsiders to help .. suggestions with regard to what can be done as to forming help for transport to various doc appts .. GoGoGrandparent .. Uber, taxi's .. city transit .. Team MIL, etc. I've made every suggestion I know to make .. yet nothing changes. Somehow in all that you guys still seem to think that nothing needs to change . you can still put it out there under my radar and I will pick up the ball and run with it .. yet I've told every one of you that's no longer the case .. I'm not going to do so any longer ... I've said it and said it and said it, and evidenced by the fact that there is need that goes unanswered to because I'm not willing to step step to that beat any longer. Yet nothing changes does it. You guys obviously don't care .. whether she picks up her keys and drives her car endangering not only herself but also the community where she resides .. you guys obviously don't care that all these loose ends as to need .. it all dangles unanswered to .. you guys obviously don't care that she may insist on staying here in peril's way in the event of storms that may come this way ... you guys obviously don't care enough to do anything about it, so where in any of that you think that I, not her offspring, should care more than you do, is lost on me .... I just don't care anymore. She'll see me on my routine Thursdays, .. more than happy to engage with that limitation .. and that limitation only . outside of that .. need that crops up .. good luck to all of ya, I just don't care.
It's all been said before, so many times. Why bother anymore. I'm tired of saying it, to DH ... to SIL ... just .. sick of it.
Yet the need that crops up . it's like a quiet little mouse that comes and gingerly puts it right there, a problem du jour .. for me to stumble upon and now let's watch, what will Dorker do, .. surely this will elicit some action on her part.
Nope, it won't.
So this aged frail, compromised MIL sits over there with a gaping hole in her tooth that needs repair. I"m not stupid, I know that left unchecked the thing can ultimately abscess .. and cause any number of other more serious issues .. it needs to be fixed. I know that.
But there are solutions. GoGoGrandparent, Uber, .. Team MIL .. whatever ..
She doesn't wish to avail herself of said services, but will throw out there that she'll just "forget it" .. ahh .surely that will elicit some action .. and some of them will take pitty on me over here and make it happen .. they surely don't wish for me to have an abscess. Surely some of them will begin to hop-to here and get this seen and just precisely as I want it done .. one of them jumping to, to do it. One of them, equates to me. And nope.
I knew when I signed on for the fact that I will engage on Thursdays per se .. the world doesn't just happen on Thursdays .. I knew that. Things happen/chit happens .. and it's not always gonna be on a Thursday. But that doesn't mean that Dorker has to continue to step to a beat she has plainly said she's no longer gonna step to. And Dorker meant it. As I said before, I've printed out the memo in neon colors and plastered it on every wall. Their failure to read the memo .. doesn't then make it my problem.
She sits over there with some skin growth of some sort that has cropped up behind her ear .. and no real way to get that looked at .. because .. she has an appt for the dentist on Thursday and is too frail to go to two appts in one day . and the following Thursday an appt with her knee injections .. life doesn't just happen on Thursdays.
She sits there with no real plan .. and much protestation about having to depart her home that it's all but going to kill her to have to do that .. and no real plan or any discussion about when/if it's ever going to happen.
When SIL departed here in April, her mom had completed the course of in home PT and had graduated to the need for on site PT, 3 x's weekly. SIL was taking her .. 3 x's weekly. SIL now to depart, .. no real way to get that answered to. Suggestions made on my part, as to city transit, Uber, .. Team MIL, etc .. met with "I don't want to have to depend on and ride with strangers and have to bother other people". That 3 x's weekly PT that would've been so helpful ... goes unanswered to.
Loose ends .. dangling loose, unanswered to need and ends.
They may not have printed out their memo in neon colors and plastered it on every wall, but they have very clearly telegraphed what their priorities are as regards their mom and her welfare .. and I've got it .... they don't care.
I don't either.
I suggest you STAY OUT OF any interactions between MIL, YD and SIL. I think they are ALL (including YD) hoping you will step in to take care of things. Don't speak for YD to SIL; don't get involved at all in their interactions.
Please let us know if MIL actually gets in her car to drive to the dentist!
You are doing your part. If her needs are greater - not your problem. MIL/SIL/DH need to figure it out - let it go - be a wall. I'm so proud of you - setting boundaries and your daughter too now. Otherwise, you get sucked into the quagmire. Why is your life and your time less valuable than everyone else's? My therapist drilled that question into me when I was having a hard time setting boundaries with buffalo aunts/mom/dad etc
What you have is called "compassion fatigue." I learned that term a few months ago as I was going through something similar. I found myself saying "I no longer care." But I knew that was not a completely true statement. I was just damned tired of being the ONLY person my relative sought for accomplishing her daily needs (many of them were actually wants). And her grandchildren were all to happy to let me do it all. Like your MIL, she refused to leave her house and go to Assisted Living. And why should she? She had ME stepping and fetching. She also enjoys drama, so if I managed to get everything taken care of so that I could somehow get 2-3 days of not having to drive to her house, she would stir up some drama, to get me there.
Long story short, I became a wall. She is now in Assisted Living.
You need to copy and paste that long speech and use it as your reply to every little comment directed at you by SIL when she is trying to prod you into acting on a non-Thursday need.
I can only imagine your "compassion fatigue" level now that the issue with your brother has arisen. I'd be on the verge of going off on SIL the next time she starts that carp.
Seems it was “invented” by a woman here in Oregon. How could I have not known about this? Oh yeah - it’s exercise.
Its a huge thing it seems. Personally, I don’t get it. Yes, mini goats are adorable to look at. My crazy aunt had several goats on her stump ranch and my aunt drank their milk and occasionally one would be “missing” at my next visit. Hmmmm... But exercising among them? I don’t get the appeal. Goat poop. Smelly goat hair ... exercising is unpleasant enough as it is - at least for me.
The next time you talk to them, it's like the previous conversation never happened...went through this repeatedly with my mom living with me (and years before that). She is now in a facility, and I still deal with the constant "I need this, I need that" but at least I have some control over when, how often, I want to run errands and tackle the endless to-do list. Every time I see her, she asks to come back home with me. For my own sanity and her own benefit, that is a resounding "nope".
Boundaries, like you said. And the word "no". It seems like that is all they understand.
Have you ever WRITTEN down all these feelings? In language they might understand? I personally HATE 'texting' as it is terse and I always get the wrong end of the stick. Sounds like you still get a lot of texts and they are so subject to interpretation, for good or bad. A handwritten letter is more likely to be properly interpreted.
WRITE IT DOWN. Tell DH and SIL how you feel, let them know you are willing to do THURSDAYS and THURSDAYS only. Be brief. You know they know how much you have done in the past. You don't need to belabor those points. Just say "I am done. Period. MIL is NOT my major concern in life and I am going to do THURSDAYS and that's it. Quit trying to maneuver me into doing more, stepping and fetching all the other days of the week (b/c, you know you really could help out with a lot of the little stuff--but you'd quickly be drawn right back into it, 100%)
Written out, short and sweet and to the point. No need to apologize or paint yourself into a corner. Say your bit, walk away. I can't believe you are even responding to SIL's texts. I routinely blacklist people from my phone. She needs to get her butt back to FL and take her mother back to IL. No tears, squabbling, drama. Just DO IT already.
W/O question, there has not been an airline ticket purchased, poochy's paperwork has not been properly checked, and all those ironed jammies need to be ironed again.
You're back at step one, over and over and over.
As far as her threats to drive. WHY in the WORLD has no one taken her keys?????? When she causes a major accident and someone is hurt badly, or worse, then wringing the hands and fussing will be moot.
I've said this once and I am sure I'll say it again and again--for someone who professes to want to go to the "cloud in the sky" she works mighty hard at staying "here". Esp as long as Here is FL. Crazy.