I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
I am not the offspring here, and I have no say-so in it all.
That's okay ... I don't need to be the end-all-be-all in it .. nor do I want that role.
BUT ....
I also don't have to pick up the pieces of it all and stack them nice and neatly to mind someone else's narrative in it all.
It pizzes me off .. I mean to the core, that my thoughts on all this .. and how it should go are so dismissed that I get asked repeatedly to bend and and sway to fit the narrative. I mean, to the core, it pizzes me off! I have shared my thoughts on it all, with all involved, ad nauseum .. and I might as well save my breath .. doesn't matter what I say. The covert arm twistings they keeps a'comin.
I don't know how else to say it. Everyone here gets where I'm coming from, .. and everything I impart here, as to the reasons why I have taken the approach I have, it translates here, to all of you .. just fine.
The folks that it matters .. on this end .. doesn't seem to compute.
I have to believe, as such ... they don't give a rat's azz what I think of it all. And don't care as long as Dorker will step n fetch to their heart's desire .. to keep status quo at work in it all.
It doesn't give me the warm and fuzzies to know that someone I care about lacks .. and that I "yes" could step to some of it .. but .. to step to "some of it" is to open the flood gates to all of it, and then more arm twisting and persuasion as to "just this once", and "for CHRISSAKES.................". Not opening the door to it. Not even an inch.
It makes me upset to think there is need .. for someone I care about .... it doesn't make me feel all warm and fuzzy to know that she needs .. is unable to achieve these things for herself ... and yet no real way to answer to the need/want/whim .. other than if I will step to it.
YES, there are ways .. she refuses those ways/means to achieve the end goal. Thus, stuff gets left unanswered to .. and that doesn't make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
But I just keep telling myself, I better damn sure find a way to leave it all as unanswered to need .. not my charge to step to it .. and I will answer at some point to my own parents' needs .. just haven't gotten there yet. But use me up .. every ounce of compassion I can muster, they would do ..and the day that I need to be steppin to help my folks .. I'll be all used up and unable to do it, .. and I'm not letting that happen.
Not my choice she be left there to languish with unanswered to need. I get no say in it all .. but I also don't have to step to and meet it either, and I don't .. not any longer.
I just want to reiterate my thoughts on your Dear Mother's options right now for living safely and fruitfully in the near future as well as a year or more from now.
We all know that your mother would "prefer" to stay in her home. The problem is the elephant in the room--she can't do that without an extraordinary amount of both in home help and assistance in getting out to medical appointments for both her and her dog.
When we last spoke about this, I was assured that a "team" had been assembled to deal with these contingences. That plan has fallen apart.
Your mother is in need of someone/some service that can be called on on a regular basis to transport her to medical appointments. Although she protests mightily that she's "done" with being carted to doctors, there is still the dentist, the dermatologist and regular PCP appointments. Can she be persuaded to take cabs or other forms of transport? Convincing her of the utility of those services is out of my purview; My obligations to my grandchildren, adult children, job and church mean that I cannot live my life on hold and always on tenterhooks that she may have a sudden "need" for transport.
Someone needs to put it to her that if she wants to live in her home, she needs to adjust her expectations and tolerance of non-family transport"
Maybe I'll copy that and send it once the royalty leaves .. I dunno.
The only way they are going to hear this- is when MIL has more and more needs that they really HAVE to scramble to address. More needs not wants - something critical. When addressing her issues starts to really interfere with their lives, they will be forced to do something. And when they (when, not if) they come to you - you respond "i'm already devoting my Thursdays, i cannot do more" and let them deal with it.
-MIL takes a major fall and ends up in the hospital and unable to walk at all
- A hurricane comes and DH has to take care of MIL because Dorker has left the state
Try as I might, I don't read it that way at'all.
I read it, very much so that it's put up my flagpole with the intent/sole express purpose of getting me to step-to.
Maybe that's not the intent at all ... as I've said what my participation will be, very clearly. And any person capable of comprehension should be decidedly clear on it, .. that asking me to step to need outside of that parameter is going to be met with a decline. So maybe the intent, all along, is merely conversational .. and not with purpose that I step to it.
I try to spin it that way so as to not get so bent outta shape with what otherwise appears as either complete asinine stupidity, or it's wanton arrogance to ignore what I've said. Neither of which I have much tolerance for.
In any event, I will just continue to stand my ground.
As DD put it, .. "G'ma is free to stay put right there, and her daughter is free to go and leave her right there .. but they aren't, either of them free of the consequences of those choices".
So, in this particular instance, .. apparent wringing of hands and gnashing of teeth .. ....even though YD has proposed what/when she is available to accommodate said need ... .even still, gnashing of teeth and wringing of hands .. as MIL imparts to the worry wart that she'll just say *forget it* not gonna worry about it. Oh dear, .. well she's got a hole in her tooth, that's not an option .. to just say *forget about it* ..
Or she'll (gasp/horrors) .. drive herself there.
The way I look at it, none of this should've even come up in my hemisphere. This had been discussed between YD and between MIL . and YD offered what she could as a solution. Where SIL entered into it all, not sure. But I guess, her having talked to her mom for one of their numerous daily check ins .. and her mom having imparted to her, that she'll just say *oh forget it* .. and not deal with it at all, or worse yet .. drive herself there .. this sent the top spinning and bumping into walls in every direction as the teeth gnashing began in earnest.
As far as I'm concerned, that's an issue between she and her mom .. if she feels her mom cannot simply say "oh forget it", then take it up with your mom .. why run it past me at all, .. I'm not gonna fight with her, and try to persuade her otherwise .. if she feels worried her mom will try to drive the car and get herself there, that's a discussion between she and her mom also .. .or perhaps she should enter her brother into that equation and summon he go get keys and confiscate them .. and we can all talk this "driving" business another day.
I just .. I dunno .. unless it was all for the express purpose of trying to summon me onto the front to resolve it all, .. hard to see how there was any need at all to triangle me into it.
If I keep putting up that "wall" at every opportunity to step to a need, outside of what I've agreed to, maybe that will eventually be seen as a dry well no one needs to visit any longer and it will stop.
I am free also, to choose what level I participate in it all. Just as they are free to make their choices, so am I.
After 3 long years of a hard fought battle, multiple falls and hospital and rehab stays, we were able to finally do that with my aunt, but we are NOT out of the woods yet. She keeps getting different people to take her back to her house to "spend a night." She stays there alone. Well this week she is staying ALL WEEK. She is clearly gearing up to tell us that she can manage and she is moving back home.
I'm infuriated at the thought of it and I will stick to the boundaries that I set before she moved to assisted living. Those boundaries are what made her move because she no longer had me stepping and fetching and she saw how difficult it was to "actually manage" at home. She was in terrible shape before she moved to AL. She could barely walk 15 feet without gasping for air. She has a long list of ailments including PF and CHF. She is on oxygen and was having breathing panic attacks multiple times daily which would make her scream and rip the tubes out of her nose or out of the machine and call everyone screaming to take her to the ER.
We were all getting phone calls of how "she had nothing to eat and couldn't we just cook and bring her something to eat because it was so hard for her to cook?!" On and on.
Yes, SIL is trying to pull you back in.
There's a boundary I'd stick to, ... no questions about it.
On this end, .. I have my opinions .. that MIL could benefit from an AL .. if she's not too far gone even for that, and I question that. But .. she'd rather step in front of a mack truck than find herself in any setting such as that.
I really don't care one way or the other, ... live in a tree fort for all I care ...
What I do care about, is when it summons me, .. more than I am willing .. to prop it all up. That I care very much about, and will fight it .. and set the wall up and fortify it with as much force as I can.
It's a shame, because this is another human with need at the other end of this equation. And yes, in fact, there are some small things that I could, if I just would, .. "oh well, okay .. just this once .. sure .... I'll take care of it". But .. to do so .. is to kick open the flood gates of it all, as to the need/want/whim that goes on constantly.
It's a constant struggle for me, .. to remind myself to stand down and back away ... to not do so, is to find myself mired in it all, too deep, been there. The struggle, ... to stand down and back away .. but ... to also not feel bad that on the other end of that struggle is someone with need, someone I care about, and not "wear that" sentiment of feeling like a heel for not hopping-to.
There is some resentment on my part, of those involved, .. maybe not so much MIL as she's old and her thinker doesn't work like it once did. That's just the facts. She "thinks" she can live alone, .. she "thinks" she can manage, ... she doesn't "think" very well, in my opinion .. but what person aged 88 does? Probably very few.
It's an odd place to be. Resentful at those involved that I would even be in any position to have to stand down as to need ... and that it gets put in my hemisphere to begin with, when I have clearly said .. time and time again, what my participation will be. Failure on their parts to adequately step to and get that need spoken to in whatever means works .. so that it doesn't then become something of a "let's put it under Dorker's nose and see if she'll smell the stink and do something with it". That's not fair to me, and I know it isn't.
But getting those parties to understand that .. has been impossible, it just isn't possible for them to see it .. wear it, live it, breathe it .. they just don't seem to comprehend. So the only thing I'm left with, is my own ability to limit my participation .. and that brings about what's described above .. unanswered need that ... it doesn't make me feel all warm and cozy to know that someone I care about .. "needs" and I am "too busy" to go do it. In some cases, I'm not, "too busy" and COULD go see about whatever it is. But I am not even letting more than a glimmer of light shine thru that door, just a faint glimmer and the door is being held shut .. to just that faint glimmer and no more.
I feel resentful, I think .. mostly at SIL .. at her .. oh I dunno .. she's either really a lot more ignorant than I ever thought her to be, .. in her continual putting things under my nose to sniff at, with regard to need .. either she's very ignorant .. or she's very manipulative .. I'm not sure which. Some have said of her .. and how she continues to put things under my radar ... "Well you and she used to be close .. maybe in some cases it's just her running things past you as a sounding board .. maybe she isn't looking for you to answer to it, .. more she just needs someone to vent to, .. run things past, .. bounce off of you, etc.".
Maybe so, but I no longer see it that way. I think that was the case for a number of years .. but .. no longer. If I'm merely being used as a sounding board and a resource for venting on SIL's part .. then it looks to me that some of the suggestions that I come up with ... maybe they'd be entertained as to doing them. One of those being my having drilled home to she and her brother, if you don't want your mom driving .. then take her keys .. talk with her, help her to understand that isn't something you feel she's safe to do any longer, or at the very least .. have her assessed at the DMV .. if you feel like you need to at least give her the chance at it ... then let an unbiased professional assess that ability ..
Doesn't get any airplay. I say it, but that's about as far as it goes. Until ... there is panic set about because "mother mentioned driving .. oh dear .. oh my .. whatever shall we do".
The never ending transportation issues ...
I suggest, Uber, GoGoGrandparent, taxi's .. Team MIL ..... city transit .. any number of options that people utilize .. people who have "problems with transporting themselves for varying reasons". That suggestion too, no airplay at all.
Oh SIL would tell you that she proposes these things to her mother .. and tries to make her understand that she needs to utilize these services ... but that her mother refuses, "I don't want to have to depend on strangers". Does SIL then say to her mother, "I realize you don't want to have to do that, .. but .. there really is no other alternative here mother, .. you want to stay in your home .. and we want to allow that too, so you will be happy ... but .. we have to come up with something that works for all of us ... not just you". Does it ever go to that level of discussion .. does there ever occur the day that (as I've requested) we ALL sit down and have some dialogue on the problem fronts that present in it all, and brain storm and work thru what works for all of us. Does that ever happen? No.
So ... the argument that maybe SIL just vents/bounces things off of me ... we used to be close .. and talk about things ... no .. I don't buy it, not anymore.
From where I sit in it all, it's hard not to see from the view that I get. Which is one of .. "it's all going to be mother's way .. all of it, .. she wants to stay firmly entrenched in her home and we her offspring are going to allow that so she can spend her waning days .. as happy as she can be, .. and that's part of what makes her happy, not having to uproot from her home .. so that's what the approach is going to be .. and the loose ends of need that crop up .. well we'll just address that as it comes .. and deal with it (meaning put it under Dorker's nose to hopefully bite the hook and return to service). We're not going to do the things that offspring of elderly do all over this country every day of every week of every month of the year .... and that is .. have an earnest conversation with her about the limitations of what her expectations are .. and how that's going to look, .. no you won't have car keys .. it's unfair to society at large .. absent any assessment by a professional that says you can in fact drive, .. unfair to us to worry us that you'll be driving and injure yourself .. or worse .. someone else .. so no .. the car keys they will have to go .. and access to driving .. unless you're willing to let's set an appointment and have a professional assessment .. maybe we're all out to lunch .. but let's go see .. let's let someone assess that ... if they say you are, fine .. good to go .. if they say you aren't, the keys go .. it's unfair to allow you the latitude that puts others in harm's way ... simply because you want your "INDEPENDENCE". It doesn't work that way. Transport to and from doctor offices .. I know you say that you're done running to doctors, we hear ya, loud and clear, .. but there are things that still have to be attended to, PCP visits .. UTI infections that might require a visit for antibiotic .. eye/vision checks .. dental appts .. dermatology appts, knee injection appts .. now what is it you propose mother as to transport these things .. we've already covered the ground that you driving yourself is not going to be a viable option, so what is it you propose as to how that gets worked out.
She would most probably fall somewhere in answer to the above, "Well I'll just wait until some of them can take me .. I have Dorker, I have my son .. I have their daughters .. when one of them can take me .. I'll just wait".
"Now mother, .. let's look at that, Dorker has said that she's available on Thursdays .. that's great .. on some of these, indeed these appts can be scheduled for Thursdays .. but ya know .. sometimes a dental issue arises or whatever .. a UTI .. and it's not on a Thursday .. and so .. YD is working .. and not available, your son is working and not available .. OD is working .. not available .. and DD .. she is saddle with 3 kids .. and not available .. .so that's not really workable in the end .. it truly isn't, .. so what we need from you .. now you need all of us to understand that you wish to stay in your home .. and we are all going to have to work together here .. all of us ... we need YOU to understand that your answer to that dilemma is really not workable .. so we need to have your understanding that you will work to know that you have to be more pliable and realize that depending solely on family for such things .. isn't going to work. I hear you when you say you don't want to have to ride with strangers .. and people you don't know .. I hear you .. and I feel for you .. but .. the reality is .. that's precisely what's going to have to happen .. You tell me that you have some problem with your eye that it's red and irritated and scratchy and that you feel like something is in your eye, .. well I'm not here .. I'm all the way in IL .. and I can't be here all the time .. and someone is going to need to get you seen by a physician .. that's the perfect opportunity I can .. from afar, get an UBER driver for you .. I can specify that it needs to be someone adept at helping with a walker .. and you can be transported there. When you're done, . you can call me on the cell phone .. and I'll be glad to get an Uber coming your way for transport back home .. I can do all that from afar .. but . it's gonna mean you're riding a stranger .. You tell me that you think you are getting another UTI .. well that means a visit to PCP .. for antibiotics .. perfect set up for an UBER or GoGograndparent .. you're going to have to be more cognizant of what it takes to keep you in your home if that's what you want ...
Does the above conversation ever go to those lengths. Not to my knowledge. Has it been bounced back at SIL in numerous phone calls as we've waged this battle the last several years. You bet it has, numerous times. I no longer suggest it .. why bother. Falls flat.
Need crops up, something I can attend to on my Thursdays, you got it, done. Outside of that I deflect .. and obfuscate and decline to assist. I no longer offer suggestions of Uber, taxi's .. Team MIL, etc etc etc. Does no good.
No, from where I sit, .. it's hard to see it any other way than the fact that they are going to do their mom's bidding as to what she wants/how she wants it/when she wants it/where she wants it .. and better yet if Dorker an step in to that gap and fill it, each and every time. Hard to see it any other way.
Resentful mostly at SIL .. because she seems to be the choir director in it all. Not so much MIL, who will throw up her hands with a "Oh I'll just say forget it, and not go get it looked at", which then causes SIL to spin like a top bumping into walls in every direction and gnashing teeth, wringing hands .. MIL will throw out there, "I just hate having no way to get to where I need to get to, maybe I'll just get in the car and drive myself there", .. also a proposition that sends SIL into a tailspin of bumping into walls in every direction ..
In none of that does it ever dawn on her .. the chief choir director to it all, .. .geeze this is all so untenable .. we have got to sit down and have an earnest dialogue here .. maybe all of us (even though I've suggested it countless times) .. we have got to get mother on the page of realization that things can't be all just how she wants/when she wants/where she wants, it's just not practical it doesn't work that way. Never does it result in that kinda thought process and action plan, never.
Resentful, the need is going to keep occurring, it's human nature, it's going to happen .. resentful that it continually even after all this time .. even still .. crops up under my nose in the form of covert arm twisting. Rather than the above which I propose as a better approach .. and more practical going forward.
Resentful to DH .. not so much because he is anyone who puts things under my radar to pick up and run with. Quite the opposite. He is so disengaged from the day to day of what it takes to prop it all up .. he doesn't even generally know when something has come up on the radar that needs attention, .. unless it's a leaky faucet, or a fence that has come loose, or a light bulb up high that needs changing .. or a sprinkler head that has gone awry, or a toilet that won't flush . or an A/C that isn't working ... that he seems to get the memo on. But the day to day .. "oh dear, seems like mother may have some kind of eye problem .. it's itchy and red and irritated, she really needs to be seen by the doc .. but how to get that done", .. that .. he is never even aware of, not one iota.
Why resent him for something he doesn't even generally know about, .. not even an inkling.
Becuase . there was a time... when I was burning out on all this .. and badly .. that he was made aware of the day to day .. and generally speaking in my bitching and complaining, "Damnit I had _______________________ and _____________________ to do today but now have to cancel it, because your MOTHER has to go to the doc .. and your SISTER is in my ear about it, and blowing my phone the hell up about it ..this is not working DH ............. this does not work ............... I can't plan any sort of day for myself, that I don't know .. it can be all upended with need .. need on your mom's end, her dog sick .. her in need of something here or there .. her in need to get to a doc for some malady that has cropped up and your sister blowing my phone the hell up".
There was a day that was ongoing, .. routinely .. it was in the throes of when I was badly burning out from it all, but hadn't yet taken any steps to limit my involvement in it all, ..
Resentful at him that my voice .. a voice he heard plenty of .. used to .. on the topic ... went unheard.
What would of been my expectation of him at that point, so that there'd be no resentment. Not even so much that he sit up and listen to all that it takes to prop it all up, that's just beyond his ability to do .. he's just not made that way that the finer points of it all are going to somehow be worn by him and digested .. it's not how he's made .. not even that .. that he somehow sit up and take notice. But more so that my voice in it all be heard .. to the degree that he step forward as the offspring in said situation and address it, .. with his mom .. with his sister, .. I dunno .. something akin to .. "Listen folks, .. in the end here, you are both running my wife ragged .. and she's done with it .. it's over .. here are some propositions for how things need to proceed forward from here, .. absent that .. take her name off the list of go-to's it's over .. not gonna have all of you running her ragged .. I value what she says and how she feels, even if you guys don't".
That hasn't happened.
What has happened, .. is the whole mentality of DH's .. "We'll just take it as it comes Dorker .. mother wants to stay in her home and we want her to be happy .. we don't know how long she has left on this earth ... but we don't want those days to be sad ones .. so we'll just take it as it comes .. you wanna tie everything up in a nice little box and put it on a shelf as to who does what and when and how, doesn't work that way .. we'll all just have to pitch in .. that's all we can do .. mother has a team now .. she has reached out and has several resources now .. so we'll all just have to work together and do the best we can".
That's his approach.
And as you've seen .. that Team MIL .. it .. as I predicted, never came to any fruition. The MOW drivers who were supposedly on board to help .. haven't been asked to my knowledge .. maybe they aren't even allowed to "help" for all I know. The neighbors, .. they don't get asked .. Team MIL never came to pass.
Does no good for me to sit and haraung (that's how it's seen) at DH about it all, .. does no good when I used to run it up his flagpole as above, "I can't even plan my damn day for all that it takes to manage it all" ........... never made any difference.
So yes, resentful .. not so much that I need him to sit up and pay more attention to the day to day what it takes .. that's never gonna happen. But .. yes .. sit up and take notice of what is said about it all, and take some "action" .. rather than just empty words of "We'll just all have to pitch in, she has a team now....". Action .. not words.
Resentful of both of them. SIL because she continues to put it under my nose for view and hopeful action .. and resentful of DH that he has no compunction at all, to respect what I've had to say in it all, being right there at the forefront of it .. for so so long .. and take any actionable steps to resolve any of it.
What that's left me with is what we currently see. I stand my ground, hold my boundaries, firmly ... all while feeling somewhat sorrowful that there is someone that needs .. someone I care about, .. need that in some cases, I could indeed answer to .. but .. I'm not gonna step on that slipper slope and sink into the quick sand of then having to justify .. "Well last week you did x, y and z, now why are you refusing this week, to do A and B and C .. just this once Dorker, FOR CHRISSAKES DORKER". Not going there.
Resentful that I even have to wear these shoes.
MIL: I need to be at X at 10 am on Friday.
You: I'll book you a cab.
This is simple, so keep it simple. There's nothing outlandish or even vaguely challenging to it.
I mean, can you add up the hours you've spent backing and forthing over this *one* occasion? It's ridiculous. The entire thing could have been wrapped up in thirty seconds.
Yes, in practicality that's what should be said, "let me get you a cab" and the response should be, "Oh thank you, I know that will help me to get where I need to go".
That's not what will occur.
So you then say in response: "Okay your decision", and walk away from it.
Only to then have SIL in your ear with, "oh dear, mother says she's just not gonna go .. she has a gaping hole in her tooth, she needs to be seen .... or worse yet, says she'll just drive herself there".
You answer SIL, "yes I offered to call her a cab, she declined".
SIL then: "Oh I know, she just doesn't want to have to go and depend on strangers .. I don't know what we're gonna do with her".
That's why this all gets so flippin convoluted and twisted. Precisely why.
If her DAUGHER would leave well enough alone ... I'm willing to. MIL says "oh forget it, I just won't go", .. fine by me, your life. If her daughter would do the same. But she won't .. somehow she thinks she needs to pick up the knitting needles and go to town and go just as fast as she can to get it all stitched together and nice and tidy and taken care of, and part of that .............. if Dorker will run with it.
And, I think you should believe MIL's statement to that effect. If she said it to get a poor pitiful MIL party going, she picked the wrong person. Respect what people say, and hold them too their word, particularly if they/ their children are manipulative or ignorant of the situation.
Her family booked "me" through a big home health agency. The biggest reason for daily need? She had so MANY PLACES TO GO and the family was just beyond beyond exhausted caring for her. My job was multi-tasks--but the driving was a huge thing.
Working her schedule each Friday and making a game plan for the coming week was such a blessing to this family. At the time it was just a PT job for me--as time went on I saw the "sickness" that had slowly crept over the family--one son actually MOVED TO PUERTO RICO to get away from mom's constant demands. That's telling!
Once she had a chauffeur, maid, laundress, cook....her relationships with her 6 kids began to heal, They stopped looking at her as a burden and began enjoying her as a grandma and mother.
I'm pretty sure the same thing would happen should MIL decide to accept help from strangers.
My client LOVED having me as her "personal assistant" which she called me and I thought was a hoot. Her family adored me, and when it came time to have her move to ALF, I helped with the transition.
The difference between my first day with her--- and my last 2+ years later was phenomenal. The family didn't have to play nurse, they had me.
It's so sad that MIL can't see the same thing in her life. My client was clean, dressed, groomed and content with her life. Before, it was a logistical nightmare as to who would be responsible for what day or what activity---after she had a "pro", the anxiety levels disappeared.
So sad that Team MIL was a bust. SO sad that this is never going to be better until that cloud comes. When my client passed away, there was no anger nor animosity--just love. If she'd continued on in the way she had been--I shudder to think. Worst was the infighting with the kids. A paid, responsible CG makes a huge difference.
Yeah, I know, preaching to the choir.
Dorker, as far as H and SIL are concerned, things ARE working out for MIL. They are taking it day by day, and allowing MIL her greatest wish to live at home with Poochy.
SIL left in April, came back for a bit in June and then departed, and MIL is apparently doing well enough to keep things as they currently are. You are more than generous in aiding/abetting/enabling MIL on Thursdays (even if Thursday morning may mission creep into the afternoon) to keep her current lifestyle. No one else appears to care. You have to stop caring, too.
My one suggestion is that you refuse to become involved at all in SIL's machinations to arrange rides for MIL. She probably texted you because YD was involved in the discussion to get MIL to the dentist. Let YD handle SIL and MIL all on her own, which she has proven capable of doing.
As far as the driving goes, well, you've done what you can in reporting MIL to FL DMV, correct? Don't nag H or SIL about MIL's driving.
A hole in a tooth doesn't fall in the category of being dragged to be prodded and poked and procedure'd ..
A unplanned sick dog, doesn't fall under the category of being dragged from pillar to post for tests/procedures, to prolong her life.
A skin growth that looks to me like a wart, ... I dunno ... doesn't really fall under the category of being dragged to all these docs for tests/procedures.
Knee injections that lessen her painful knees, .. maintenance, not prolonging of life .. not the same.
No, It doesn't seem I get asked to take her to the "scheduled" visits that have to do with stress tests, .. or the like, the answer would be "have you lost your mind?, no".
And yes, in answer to Midkid's thoughts. It's interesting that son in law here, DD's husband .. lost his beloved grandfather a year or so ago. Had been in poor poor health for quite some time, .. crotchety .. needy .. etc. His g'father .. he was closer to his g'father than his own dad. In those waning years .. as his g'dad grew more frail and more needy and meaner .. because he didn't feel good most of the time ... Son in law has imparted more than once, .. how you live through those days .. and you just grow weary of it all, and you don't even see the forest for the trees in it all .... those long gone days that you used to enjoy one another, not even on the radar as a memory as you trudge through all it takes to look after this needy, crotchety old person with never ending demands. Then, they die .. and all that ugliness fades .. and the "good" memories do return. Imparted to us, by DD's husband.
To some degree, I guess that's the way it goes with almost any elderly person that lives long enough to have various levels of infirmity and neediness ....
It's what's done to address it all .. and the fallout that results on those that care for the elderly person .. that's what matters.
In this case, ... she's no longer anyone that you can "enjoy" .. the list of need is endless .. never-ending ... and ... no real concrete terms of how to address any of it (none the offspring care to enact anyway).
Was interesting, talking to the therapist and imparting some of this. But most particularly, the other backstory .. about MIL's question of why she wasn't invited to the Surprise Party. Imparting to the therapist .. "I didn't invite her, .. her own son didn't invite her, .. there's reason for that, . she never partakes .. anytime we do try to include her, and in this specific instance of what we were doing, the practicality of including her, .. made it just impossible ...".
His response: "Ya know, we all have our limits .. and you have just .. you've reached yours .. you have been completely saturated with it all, and have met your limits".
Yep.
And no, I don't nag any longer on any thing .. not on when is she leaving for hurricane season, why is she still here, what does SIL say .. nope. I say little to nothing on it ... not on her driving .. or not .. or Taxi's or Uber's or any other suggestion. Generally speaking, I go on my Thursdays .. I listen sometimes when DH vents about his particular beefs with it all .. but I generally don't have much to say ... I've quit making suggestions and/or nagging ... I don't suggest any longer as I once did, that he go visit his mom .. go have b'fast with her, just because she's lonely .. go spend the night with her ... I don't do that any longer.
SIL running that up my flagpole about the latest .. that she had the dentist try to reschedule on her .. and her working the angle of trying to get it seen to .. by maybe covert arm twisting in my direction .. as to this unplanned rescheduled dental appt. There was a time I'd of brought forth the whole scene .. "what about Team MIL?". "What about the neighbors?, .. didn't you guys say MOW drivers are willing to help?". "Perfect opportunity that Uber could help ...".
There was a time SIL would've heard all that ... she didn't . I don't even suggest it anymore. Her completely at her witts end, the thought her mom would drive. I didn't even speak to that as a concern, didn't even answer to it. I used to ... but no longer.
I simply state what I know to be the case .. in this case, what YD has offered as to her availability .. and leave it at that.
As I described before, for me, .. it truly is a "I don't care anymore". I've made every suggestion that can possibly be conjured up .. numerous times .. and it does no good. I don't care to do so anymore. They obviously aren't gonna avail themselves of any of those options .. and I'm obviously not going to step to the need .. so we have a problem Houston .. but it's not mine, as they say.
I don't nag any longer.
There was a time as recent as a couple of years ago, that MIL wouldn't allow "strangers" for house cleaning. Her unable to do it herself. At that time, she employed DD .. weekly for what was supposed to be a couple of hours of light housework .. always ended up taking all day .. as MIL would want her to visit/have lunch with her, .. etc. And I was here taking care of the g'daughter .. and the stipend DD was being paid .. not worth it in the end.
MIL did ultimately agree to allow a house-keeper that now comes bi-weekly. So there's that, .. she has allowed that, finally.
There was a time she flat out refused MOW's .. and her nutrition was horrible. Still is, the MOW's sit mostly uneaten .. but no one can "make her eat them". She now agrees to allow MOW to come daily, that's a change. She doesn't really make use of the meals, they sit stacked up in her fridge uneaten. I don't know why, I suppose she doesn't like them all that much. She can and does eat .. well .. if brought a meal .. that we've cooked over here. Took her the other day, when we visited, some pot roast fixed on our end, and she ate every morsel in front of her.
There was a time when MIL absolutely refused to allow the "church ladies" to come by. That has changed. The church lady (one doesn't come around much, the other does) does come by and visit with her now days. So there's that change.
There was a time she refused to allow SIL to sign her up locally for .. I don't even know what category it falls under, but when SIL did finally get agreement to sign her up for it .. there was a waiting list that took like 2 years. That has now come to fruition. The person from that service comes 2 x's weekly and the goal there is to help with light housework (I guess the housekeeper will go ultimately if this service works out okay) to help with hygiene .. and so I suppose they will help her to wash and set her hair maybe .. there on site. It's all just begun within the last week or so, so it's all new, not sure how it will all work in the end.
There was a time when MIL refused all the above, adamant refusal. That has changed. So at least credit where it's due.
The transportation issue remains unanswered to. Maybe one day that too will change, who knows.
I used to notice with my mom, she had "stock phrases" that she used that MEANT something to her, had some special meaning, some attachment that went beyond the plain meaning of the words.
"I'll never sell the house; your father told me "don't sell the house, NEVER sell the house"
I finally said to her one day, what did dad mean, never sell the house? Surely, he wouldn't have wanted you to live here if you were unsafe?
"Oh, but I'll have to pay HIGH RENT". Once we figured out what mom's fear was, channeled through her and dad's Depression mentality, we were able to deal better with it.
That "wisdom" from my dad kept mom from downsizing when it would have been prudent and left us needing to clean out and get the house up to code very quickly after mom had a stroke.
I'm wondering if you might casually ask one day "what does that mean, I don't want to rely on strangers" ? or whatever that locution is. What does that MEAN to her? Did someone she knows have a bad experience being driven by a stranger? Does it mean to her that there aren't people who love her? Exploring that, gently, might give you a way to break down that wall.
Executive Function - when I'm to take her to a doc appointment. I could purposely show up just at "x" time, to get in the car and go. But what I'd find, she wouldn't be ready .. her dog would still need to be fed, .. and God forbid we leave and the dog hasn't been fed and let out and back in to do his business. The dog wouldn't have taken his morning meds, .. she'd likely still be sitting eating her b'fast .. no time management capabilities anymore. Have seen it before. Have to spur her along, keep her on task .. she will stop to pick up a magazine to tell you about this great story she read in such and such magazine that reminds her of a time when she did x, y and z .. and so forth. Have to keep her on task and forward progress being made. You go to the back with her, to make sure she doesn't dally too long .. she has to get her face washed, teeth brushed, hair brushed ... just that .. she now has to sit and take a break .. it's been enough .. just to get from the front of the house to the back of the house .. and do just the mere, brush your teeth, hair and wash your face. Now she has to sit and take a break for a bit. Then it's on to the clothes .. and the shoes .. a whole other, have to take a break .. usually between having gotten the clothes on and before the shoes now go on. And all the while, someone to keep her at forward progress, ..and not at a stalemate of talking and meandering in conversation.
You get all the above done and now .. up and let's go .. and head to the car, only with her, .. it's a laborious process to even now get from the back of the house on the walker, to the garage to get into the car, a long slow arduous process .. very slow.
Stops along the way if you don't keep her on task, .. for more conversation about "did I ever tell you where this art piece came from, that's the best story ... J and I were at ...", until you redirect her, "yes MIL you have told me that story, it is a good one, but we do have to go, .. c'mon let's go".
Generally I'm the one that digs up her sunglasses and eyeglasses to throw into my purse, .. because she takes this tiny little petite purse that houses only her little change purse and some ID cards and that's about the size of the purse, it fits only that much. I'm generally the one that will go to her foyer closet to grab her jacket for her, .. maybe she reminds me she needs it, maybe I'm the one that remembers to do it .. varies.
This is an accurate, spot on portrayal of what transpires as you arrive to pick her up for an appointment. Every time.
So I generally get there, maybe 1 1/2 to 2 hours early, when I know there is an appt on the agenda .. so that we have time for all her dallying and I'm not feeling (myself) like a shrew that barks out orders of "c'mon already!!!!!!!!!!!".
Then .. get her in the car and the struggle for her to bring her feet (requires bending the knees and bringing those legs around from the floor and up into the car) .. that's a whole other struggle that takes longer for her, than it does for folks who don't have her limitations. Then get the walker folded up and put in the trunk .. and get in the driver's seat and off we go.
Same thing when you get there, to the other end, getting those legs to work .. swinging them out from the floorboard of the car .. to the ground .. a whole long arduous, slow process. You've retrieved the walker for her, and brought it to her side of the car, at the ready for her, but now she has to get those feet/legs from the floor board of the car and onto the ground .. that's a slow process and now that she's done that, the struggle to actually get "UP" from the car and into a standing position holding onto the walker. Another slow arduous process.
You get that done finally and are now making steps/strides to the front door .. and so you hold the door for her, so she can enter the establishment .. and in she goes .. finally .. and now .. that whole thing .. that whole scene .. was enough of an event of fatigue .. like she's run a marathon .. that's her level of functionality .. and so she has to find a seat .. to rest .. she can't go another step. So you now go sign her in, .. and if they require any paperwork to be completed, .. then you take that paperwork for her, rather than sit there like a doofus and wait for her to struggle to get up to go retrieve said paperwork from the front desk clerk .. you go get it. Then you find that she wants you to complete it for her, .. her arthritic fingers so problematic. So you work through all that, .. and get it done and turned in .. and then you wait to be called to the back. They call her to the back .. the struggle to get up out of the chair begins ..
The whole scene .. much like it is for any elderly with mobility issues, maybe more marked in her case.
Then.. after she's seen the doctor .. and generally speaking diverted off into conversation that has had to be redirected numerous times .. about topics not germane to the issue at hand .. you now can start the arduous process of check out at the front desk, where she will again, generally start down the road of conversation not germane to the issue at hand .. and has to be redirected .. and then you can start the slow process of back to the car, to get down into the car seat .. a process for someone with leg muscles that no longer function at top process .. then she's seated, .. and then to get those damned legs now back into the car .. off the ground, bent, and swung around and onto the floor board of the car.
Then, if there are any other stops along the way on the way home (less and less these days, her with no stamina to do so) .. lunch out per se, .. whole thing again .. with the getting in and out of the car ..
Then back home and the whole process of the struggle to get out of the car, get upright, .. get those confounded legs to work .. and out of the floorboard of the car and onto the ground .. and now stand up .. the struggle ensues.
This is what goes on, this is an accurate portrayal of what goes on.
I think, .. more so than the whole "I don't want to have to depend on strangers" .. more so than that .. is the vanity of what goes on above ...
Who else in this whole picture is going to actually "DO" what it takes, time-wise ..to get this all in working order and forward progress to get her to where she needs to be. Team MIL? We've seen that doesn't even really exist. Certainly not an Uber driver .. they aren't gonna arrive 1 1/2 to 2 hours early and walk her through the executive function piece of it all and keep her on task, .. her lack of time management skills these days.
My personal opinion .. she doesn't want "others" to see just how poor her functionality is. Nor have to subject herself to a stranger's assistance for same.
It's the very reason, one of the first times I saw her refuse outside help for the above kinda scenario . a time when my mom .. witness to the struggle ongoing as we batted back and forth, DH and myself, .. conflicts in our schedules and how to get MIL to said appt. My mom, witness to this, "hey guys, I'm retired, you both are working and busy, let me do this, I don't mind .. if she'll let me, I'll be glad to go pick her up and get her to the doctor".
Perfect solution ...
Only it was refuted, by MIL. Her excuse .. "Well you know, when I go somewhere, you know how bad it is .. I have to really lean on the other person there, to help me .. and I know your mom of course, but not all that well, .. not to the degree that I feel comfortable with her .. in that capacity ...".
(my mom and DH's mom are cut from very different cloth .. very different people .. and they don't either one of them care a whole lot for the other for various reasons .. founded and unfounded on the part of both parties).
The above was one of the first times that it ever came up on the radar, as to MIL's need .. need to be carted to a doctor .. and us not available for whatever the reason was at the time, .. and I saw a glimpse of her refusal to allow outsiders to help .. and it's only grown worse as time has marched on.
I don't think it has a thing to do with some long recessed memory of getting in cars with strangers and some horrid story that she heard at some point in her younger years ..
I think it has everything . absolutely everything to do with the fact she is that compromised .. and her vanity an issue at play in it all, .. but also .. likely .. at least some rudimentary understanding on her part, .. she'd be more on her own, as to making forward progress to get herself ready and her accouterments at the ready .. and do so with time management skills she no longer has .. and be ready to go .. at "x" time when Uber, Taxi, GoGoGrandparent, .. neighbor .. whoever, .. arrives to take her.
She can't do it.
Ahh, so we arrive back at the scenario .. if she's in need of that much assistance just to get from point A to B as to doc appts, and so forth .. she doesn't need to be living alone .. she needs more help .....
A sermon I've preached til I'm done preaching it. No one listens.
But .. oh but .. do put it under my nose, the stinch of her needing to get somewhere .. and hope I'll take the bait.
There is also genuine fatigue, including thought fatigue if I can put it like that, to take into account. Everything, literally everything, is much harder work for her than it is for the standard person. But you're family, and she can bumble about because she's comfortable with you. She wouldn't let an outsider see her like that.
You do, obviously, have to rely on reasonable good manners and helpfulness in your cab driver. But most cab drivers are pretty helpful and kind towards little old lady passengers; and it helps if you mention the need to make allowances to the booking office.
Yes, .. let's see, by all means .. maybe she CAN do what she needs to do ... and get herself forward progress and ready .. and the assistance of whomever is assigned the duty .. as to opening doors, waiting patiently as the struggle ensues of getting legs that don't work well, to cooperate .. etc. Maybe she CAN do it. I'm all for it, let's see.
She is the one that refutes such suggestions. Not me.
It's not me jumping in front of it all, "now now, there there you guys .. no we must not have her in that predicament, she requires far too much help .. no no no ... now I will be at the ready and go help the whole process along".
Not the case at all.
Those other avenues as to transport have been suggested ad naseum (til I don't do so anymore) and refuted, .. with the whole "Oh I'll just say forget it and not go", ....or ... "Maybe I'll just get in the damn car and drive myself there". Or .... "I just don't want to have to depend on strangers".
It's not me that's the problem here, ...
If she'd "try it" .. we might all be pleasantly surprised that she CAN do it .....
No one in it all seems motivated to persuade her to do so.
So be it.
She goes on to impart to me just in conversation that her daughter (SIL) is worn to an absolute nub up in IL, just worn and run ragged. Absolutely spent. The royalty crew, I believe, they leave this weekend.
But .. they have 3 kids ... and the standard operating procedure when they come .. (just from what I hear, I'm not there to see it all).... sounds as if SIL's son .. and his wife .. they're gone the duration of the stay here in the states. Be that out to lunch/dinner, out to see friends, out to the local gambling establishment, out to shop shop shop (I guess where they live, it's REALLY expensive to buy clothing and so forth) .. they shop shop shop .. she and he, and they lunch and they dinner, and they this and that. SIL .. because she so rarely sees her g'kids and because she's a doormat .. to her grown kids ... becomes chief entertainment chairman .. to 3 busy kids ... (the word No, not in SIL's vocabulary).
Sounds as though (and this is how it always goes) .... SIL is absolutely beyond going at this point. So tired.
And that .. when they leave .. the daughter, the world traveler daughter, .. she has changed jobs and so has to do some training that will take her out of state for a bit, so her 3 dogs are going to be SIL's charge in the coming forefront.
SIL imparting all this to MIL, along with, "..............and somewhere in it all, I have to get my way down there to get you".
Which was met with, as MIL tells it, "....don't you worry about me, now I'm just fine right here, ... you let that be the last of your concerns".
I didn't chime in at all.
I have my opinions ... but .. whatever, doesn't matter.
Her royal son and his brood ... where they live .. as ex pats .. they have a nanny and a maid .. and so aren't accustomed to f/t care of their kids .. and I guess, .. bringing said nanny and maid with them, not allowed, visa restrictions ... and so .. SIL becomes nanny and maid to 3 kids .. and cook and so forth. While royal son and his wife flitter about to all their holiday stuff.
If it were me, I simply would say no, some of the time .. and not wear myself to a nub .. especially knowing that also important and a priority upcoming is that I reserve enough energy to be able to complete the next task at hand .. retrieving my mother.
That isn't in SIL's makeup. The word "no".
The daughter that owns 3 dogs .. and now has to travel somewhere for training for her new job .. she too would be told no. My mother is going to need to be transported up here, .. that's first and foremost .. that doesn't work for me.
But "no" isn't in her vernacular.
I'm pretty disgusted right about now, .. truly.
In a pig's eye you'd put your mother ahead of your grandkids or children. Not In A Million Years.
Wasn't that kind of where we came in, in fact? Wasn't it Daughter's really needing you that made the scales fall from your eyes re MIL in the first place?
Not your circus, now, not any more. Everything has to have its upside! Breathe, be serene. Remember: this is a social call, it is not a social work call. Hugs, have a great day.
Face it. SIL has zero "real" intention of getting mom. She's haolding out to the last second to hear Dorker say "Oh, we'll just weather out hurricanes with MIL, it's not that bad, there's plenty of us".
By the time one of those storms gets to the danger point, there won't be an airline ticket left. AND SIL DOES NOT HAVE TO COME FETCH MIL.
Again, I realize I am shouting into the wind.
We hear this over and over: your failure to plan does not a crisis make for me. SIL talks a good talk--can't walk it though.
After my post yesterday I ruminated on my old job with my difficult client. I know I made her life better. I know her family was beyond grateful to me. I saw up close and personal the positive changes in her life. And guess what? The day I walked in to her house to "meet her", she talked to me for a few minutes and said "I want you. Let's sign the paperwork." I started that day with a 10 hour day. And also, may I point out, I was a TOTAL STRANGER.
IF MIL is still resistant to "strangers" doing for her....maybe your HHC agency that accepted her could bring a couple of their aides to her home. It is tricky, getting someone you don't know to mesh with your LO.
I know you don't want to follow through on the aide business. Maybe a bug in SIL's ear (even tho think you shouldn't be spending so much time talking to her) might make MIL enjoy someone else to listen to her stories, etc.
I could be relentlessly patient with her---b/c I was being paid. Yes, it took hours to run to Costco or get her hair done. BUT, it was my job, and as boring and repetitive as it was....it was my JOB. Huge difference in attitude. I race through helping mother so I can escape. And I resent it, too.
Just a thought.
SIL doesn't hesitate to beckon when there is need on this end... but finds it suitable she put off coming to retrieve her mom, so she can "dog sit" for her world traveler daughter.
Nah ... doesn't give me much of an impetus at all to find much of the "need" real pressing. Nope.
You guys don't care enough to make provision for her welfare ... and you expect ME TO DO SO?!?!?! Nah. Nope.
Every time MIL ever so casually makes a statement such as “I’m just fine here” or “everything is perfectly set up for me here” she is applying mortar to the brick wall she is building - that will become her refusal to budge from her home.
Like a child - she believes that each time she “gets away with” slipping such statements into casual conversation she is cementing her position. To her it is the same thing as saying “Nope. Not going anywhere”.
Cracks me up. What? Do they teach this chit at some old lady school that I don’t know about? Some old lady school that you become clandestinely made aware of when you join AARP?
MIL reached out to the service: "Can I please have someone who can commit to both Mondays and Fridays rather than having two different people .. and can it be someone that speaks better English, I don't understand this woman .. and she doesn't understand me".
Don't know the results yet on above request.
On the latter point, I kinda sympathize. I struggle also with understanding people with heavy foreign accents. I don't know if that's a "thing" .. but if it is, I have it .. I too have that problem. I don't know why. I don't dislike foreigners .. in fact, . lots of times they have some interesting stories to tell from their culture/history .. if one can understand them.
Within the next several days will come the missive from afar, SIL. She will text or call me to impart this latest info .. that she will not be coming this way anytime soon (if at all) and that her mom says that's fine, don't worry about her, she's fine where she is (of course her mom says that, her mom's thinker isn't what it should be), and she will go into explanation of how worn out she is .. subsequent to the care and entertainment of the royals .. and that her daughter has training for her new job (training that's local by the way, .. but I suppose long work days .. .thus .. .need dog care) so she will be staying put .. for the time being to recoop from being all things caretaker to the royals and how worn out she is from it (I'm sure she is) ... and then will take up dog sitting duties for the next several days/weeks ..
All in the effort to put forth her explanation .. as if she owes me any explanation .. as to why she hasn't booked a ticket and on the way here to put things in order to retrieve her mom .. and off they go.
I'm fed up. Completely fed up and spent with it all. I haven't even told DH this evening of this latest turn of events, dialogue. I don't even care anymore. Just more evidence that what I have to say about any of it, any minute part of it . large or small .. doesn't matter one whit. Not an ounce. Dog sitting is far more important .. and no plane ticket bought, no plans to move MIL out of harm's way .. and to safety of another state. It's just not gonna happen.
So .. from where I sit .. I see all this that's coming (and it is... just a matter of days before I get this phone call or long text with all the above explanation .. like I don't already know it) .. and all in a feigned attempt to make me think that I'm somehow engaged in all this. And thus, need to be informed of the latest.
I don't even know how to respond at this point.
There was a time that would've been met with a bunch of counter argument .. "but your mom can't do thus and so, and who will see to x, y and z .. but your mom needs so much help .. but she doesn't do well here during hurricanes".
There was a time there'd be of been a bunch of counter dialogue that I thought mattered.
It doesn't matter.
Where I sit .. .my mind is resolute .. I will go on Thursdays .. outside of that need that crops up .. that's up to her to figure out from afar, since she finds it suitable to continue to leave her in that setting .. I'm no longer interested in suggestions to the contrary .. or any other means of communication about it. Her dog gets sick .. needs to be seen .. outside of Thursdays .. I don't care. Work it out. She needs something .. .outside of Thursdays .. I don't care, figure it out. Hurricane blows into the Atlantic Ocean and looks ominous .. I'm outta here, for my own sake, I don't care whether she shelters in place at her house, or is brought here for DH's half-hearted attempts at looking after her, I don't care.
I do care that I will have to vacate my home .. when maybe I wouldn't otherwise .. simply because I don't want the care of an elderly and an aged dog. I do care about that, and it pisses me off. But ... I'm the one that doesn't care to be left in that predicament, thus I will remove myself from it.
So I don't even know how to respond to the long missive that's coming in the next few days. I'd like to blast her .. "okay I see that dog sitting once again, supercedes your mother's welfare, duly noted .. and will be also noted next time there is some issue you deem crises level and want to put under my nose .. enjoy your dog sitting duties, peace out".
But I don't even care to give it that much air play at this point. I'm just .. I dunno .. I feel so done with all the b'shit .. just done with it.
(((FWIW .. MIL imparting to me that it's been said by SIL .. when she inquired of why it is that she is the one seemingly dumped on for dog duty consistently .. isn't there someone else that can take her dogs for her . why is it always you. Answer given, .. these are aged dogs both with issues .. mental and heart issues, two of them .. and the other, a large rather rambunctious breed, .. no .. her ex husband is just not diligent in their care .. her friends .. they're all too busy ... a boarding facility .. they are too compromised, these 3 dogs ... with their ailments, so no .. there is no other suitable setting")))
I wanted to scream when MIL was imparting this info of the dialogue had with SIL .. "...and your health is just supreme right? ... she's more concerned with staying put to are for ailing old dogs .. than she is her ailing old mother, got it".
But I said nothing.
I don't know what to even say to SIL when she calls to impart this latest info .. info that just pisses me off. And I'm just so done/over it.
Obviously, it works best if all parties involved can work together .. in these kinds of things. That isn't to be in this case .. so why bother looping me in at all.
(((Also of note - today when I went to MIL's she had her rudimentary grocery list ready for me to go retrieve some groceries, asked me to go over it to make sure I can read her chicken scratch writing. I read down the list out loud. About 3 or 4 items down was "cartridge for printer". I read that one with a question mark to my tone. MIL responded, .. "that was SIL .. she said for me to put that on the list for you, but I told her they don't carry those at the grocery store do they?, .. she said .. well just tell Dorker in her travels .. if she can get by the office supply store, .. grab a cartridge for your printer, it ran out when I was there". MIL saying she asked her daughter, "do I need that, right now? I don't even use that printer?
This is an item that SIl told me when she was here, .. "if you're ever out and about at an office supply store pick up "xyz" brand of printer cartridge for mother .. her's ran out of ink".
Why that needed to be put on the list .. when I've already been told that .. and no .. have not been to an office supply to get one .. and may not be for quite a while, I don't have a need for same for myself. Why that needed to be mentioned again, only annoys me. She'd already told me that ...
I told MIL, "Yes she told me that when she was here, .. if I"m at an office supply store, ,to get one .. and I will .... if I go to an office supply store .. but no .. you don't even use that printer .. she does when she comes here ... if I don't get there, she can get it when she comes here again".
And that was that.
I understand MILs problem with the lady from the Service. MIL is Leary of help coming in as it is. Having someone she can’t understand and she doesn’t feel understands her can’t be comfortable. What I can’t understand is SIL letting MIL put in the request for a replacement. Surely, SIL had to jump thru hoops to make this service happen, why would she let MIL make that call rather than herself?!?
I do find it encouraging MIL accepted the Service, and due to the communication problem didn’t just say the heck with that mess!
The request for the printer cartridge...that’s just too much! So in essence you would be picking up the cartridge for SIL to utilize whenever she reappears.
SIL has completely disregarded your requests you set forth when the two of you had your “talk”.
I am wondering at this point about SILs health. Has she over done it hosting her family? And her complete disregard of the requests it seemed that she understood when you talked to her before she left? Has she forgotten? Does she not care? It’s like the discussion you had with SIL never happened.
I don’t think I could communicate with SIL further without telling her to pull her head out of her rear end.
Unless of course you think SILs health or emotional well being is not what it should be. It’s been discussed whether SIL is just that short sighted, dense, evil person, etc?
Do you have a hunch what the problem might be with SIL?
As for the rest — exhaustion, dog sagas, you name it — SIL is Breaking The Rules. Per the “care team” agreement and per Dorker’s Thursday-only boundary, SIL should be directing these sob stories at HER BROTHER. ONLY.
If brother falls asleep halfway through.....or listens to the whole thing and tells his sister to wake up and grow up (or get bent), THEN this “family” will be onto something.
Lordy be, Dorker. You need a vacation. ASAP. Hanging around to be these clowns’ buffer does not serve you. At all.
Dorker, you deserve better. Go out and make it happen for yourself. Cuz no one else will. (((hugs)))