I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
I have never blocked anyone’s text. I thought after the “talk” with SIL it wouldn’t be necessary. But, I might reply to these texts from SIL short and sweet: “MIL Care TEAM failed. I will not entertain these discussions further”. If she attempts to continue...block her texts.
Then she will start blowing up your daughters phones. Let them know what you have done. They can follow suit if they wish.
If you don’t block SIL you are going to blow a gasket!
Is it the compare and contrast everyone's expected roles and priorities thing?
It's all okay, you know. Try to worry less about what goes on outside your now very well-sited boundaries.
I don't understand the irritation towards SIL because she takes care of her grandchildren a lot when the royal family comes to visit. Isn't this the only time the whole year that SIL gets to see her grandchildren? Look at how much time you spend with your grandchildren, Dorker. (Not saying it's wrong...NOT AT ALL!...but I think the more time loving grandparents spend with grandchildren the better, as long as the grandparents agree.)
So how did your visit with MIL go yesterday? There's another home helper coming today, correct? If they can't send ones that MIL likes, she will probably stop that whole program from helping her, right?
This is an excellent suggestion. You really DO need to block SIL, for at least a week. Seriously.
Maybe it's a difference in perspectives. I am from the school of thought .. you have an emergency that you need to be out of town .. you have some biz meeting that's going to extend your day and you can't get home to let poochies out ... sure ... .I'll help ya ..
SIL seems to be of the school ... the current b'friend that her daughter has .. lives right there in the same area. She routinely goes to spend the weekend with the b'friend .. at his house .. this daughter of SIL .. but the residence where the b'friend lives, for whatever the basis .. it's not suitable for the doggies .. thus the doggies brought to SIL to care for, for the weekend. The daughter goes out of town a lot .. with her circle of friends .. recently to Thailand for two weeks, .. doggie care on SIL ... another time recently to the Bahamas for a long weekend, ... doggie care on SIL.
There has been some ... oh I dunno what you'd call it .. some dialogue .. some bit of fluster over the fact that there is talk of bringing MIL to stay with SIL ... this will impede SIL's ability to be at the ready for dog sitting .. as MIL will be bringing her dog if she ever goes that way. Taking on daughter's 3 dogs .. as well as MIL and her one dog .. too much. There's been a bit of dust up about that ... under the surface of things.
Maybe it's just perspective .. I don't ascribe to what SIL provides in the way of the dog sitting services to her daughter .. especially when .. how long have we said here, that MIL needs to be cleared out of here .. by August .. at the very latest by August, to be clear of hurricane danger if any. Said it and said it and said it. And, ... I thought, . being more than generous ... in the fact that hurricane season actually begins june 1. But no .. I wasn't stomping up and down, BY GOD she better be outta here May 30th .. June 1 starts hurricane season .. get to steppin folks. No. I thought I was being realistic .. and at least accommodating in the fact that I have said it .. countless times, .. August .. is really the crucial time .. needs to be outta here by that point. And that was being generous ..
But now .. now once again, .. daughter has dog sitting need .. and that comes first of course. Irks me. Badly.
Let me describe a little conversation that went on between MIL and myself yesterday, bearing in mind that we all see SIL as a complete doormat to her kids .. a worn out, used up .. kicked around, doormat .. that would never ever in a million years utter the word, the one simple word, "NO", when it comes to any request from her children.
So yesterday I'm out at MIL's .. and she begins telling me about SIL's daughter, who has changed jobs now .. the training to be local (sometimes it's been out of town, but not this time) .. the training is to be local there .. but long days.
MIL: "Well that's why, you know I was talking to M (daughter to SIL) .. she was asking me, .. did I really think that her mother has to come back down here to FL to retrieve me, .. there's so much help available, could'nt I made my own way to the airport and get on the plane .. is it really necessary that mother come back down to FL to get you". She was asking me this, .... you see .. shes' trying to work an angle here that she doesn't loose her dog sitter. So, .... I went about explaining to her, .. what it will take for me to get to the airport and get on a plane, complete with a wheelchair .. and my dog in tow .. and all the things I'll need .. and when I finished, she said .. well yea, I guess it's gonna be necessary that mother come to FL to help you, I can see that ....
Followed by:
MIL: But you see, .. you see where this all landed in the end, .. she has her dog sitter lined up.... SIL signed on for that duty . right here as her son and his family leave for Abu Dhabi. She got her dog sitter in the end.
Why does it all irk me so badly. I guess .. where I sit .. my expectation would've been one that SIL would've seen thru her visit with her son and his kids/wife ... and then when that visits is finished .. she'd of began in earnest .. maybe while taking some time to rebound .. from the whirlwind of having 3 kids to run after ... but she'd of began in earnest, as to what/where/when/how .. as to retrieving her mom on this end. That would've began ...
But nope. Once again, as was the case last year .. when M wanted to go on "vacation" with a b'friend she only gets to see on weekends, .. and yet it got in the way of plans to see about MIL .. too bad .. dog sitting came first. Same here. Irks me.
The printer cartridge .. that's just comical ... confounding. SIL told me, when she was here .. a mere week or so ago .. "hey if you're ever in an office supply store, pick up an "xyz brand" of cartridge for mother's printer .. I'd do it, but we're leaving and I don't have time to get back out to an office supply store, .. so if you'd just grab one for her, if you happen to be by a store". I respnded, "okay but don't know when that might be"
So then here I am at MIL's for my Thursday visit .. and she has me to read out loud to her, her chicken scratch grocery list and on it, "printer cartridge".
Comical in that .. MIL doesn't know what a printer cartridge is, much less how to install it, what it's purpose is .. etc. She doesn't use her computer ... printer ....
For MIL to have put that on any list would be astounding. I knew it came from SIL .. before I even asked.
SIL already asked me, it was noted, conversed .. so it's known on her end that it was noted by me.
So why SIL thought she needs to add that to Dorker's to do list is confounding to say the least.
And yes ... Dorker you go run your legs off to get that printer cartridge picked up and then come back to MIL's and take out the old one and put in the new one .. so that when I get there, it's available for my use, so I can print something if I want to.
GO POUND SAND!!!!!!!!!
As I told MIL: "No, .. I won't be going by any office supply store .. and I told SIL that when she asked me, .. oh and she did ask me already .. that's on the list of to-do's already .. somewhere in the recesses .. but no .. you don't use that computer/printer .. so .. she can get it when she next comes here .. or if I happen upon an office supply store for something I might need, .. I'll grab one . but no . not making a special trip to secure a cartridge for your printer".
That one was just beyond the damn pale.
In fact, I'm already formulating just how I might respond, when SIL next sends a reminder to the childish forgetful Dorker .. "mother still needs to get another cartridge for her printer". It's coming, believe me. She has that on her list of to'do's .. obviously having put it on her mom's grocery list. Even though she's already told me in conversation. It's coming.... she'll mention it to me ...
I already told her when she mentioned it to me, .. that I didn't know when I might happen upon an office supply store, .. don't have any pressing need for anything myself at this point in time. So that's already been answered. You see, with her, .. and her level of diligence .. it's not gonna go off the radar as a recesses of the mind list .. that I keep .. it will be in the forefront ...to be dealt with . until it is dispensed with, this need, as is dog foods that need to be picked up at the vet .. dog treats .. so forth .. anything that comes up as need .... SIL .. chews on it, .. like a dog on a bone, til it's dispensed with.
Me? I've been told, .. it's in there in the recesses of my brain .. should I need to go that way .. yes .. it will be secured, .. a cartridge for MIL's printer .. but as I said .. I'm not going that way anytime in the immediate future.
I think when that little missive pops up again (and it will), I will simply respond: "As I told you before, I don't have any imminent plans to run by an office supply store, .. it's obvious that's something you want taken care of .. pretty fast .. it keeps coming up .. go ahead and order it for delivery to her house .. you can install it when you come again here". And then no further dialogue at all on it. Done answering to it.
The confounding thing about it is this. I do have it in my brain .. buried under all the other ticker tape of things that run thru my brain of things I need to attend to, but it's there. It's buried .. because I know this isn't life or death .. as to need on MIL's front. She doesn't even use the damn thing .. thus it's buried .. as far as I'm concerned, .. it's there .. but it's not at the forefront of something I need to poste haste .. get on it ....
It's been mentioned. I'm not an idiot ... it will be seen to, if/when I see fit. That doesn't suit you .. you want it done sooner, do it your damn self.
(big sarcastic ridiculous laugh) ... reminding me again, via damn grocery list!!!!!!!!!!!
Just asinine.
It's like my mother used to say .. being witness at times to all the need, the pressing need .. the requests from afar .. so forth. My mom's words: "I believe I'd tell her, if you want your mother looked after in such a manner, I suggest you figure a way to move down here and do it yourself".
As long as you're clear in your own mind what you are and are not happy to do, it really doesn't matter WHAT expectations or manoeuvres go on off stage. They're hoping to wrangle you in to a trip to the stationery store? Let 'em hope. It does no harm. You ain't going!
And again "Hast thou not seen? All that is needful hath been granted..." This is why God told Staples to invent internet orders.
Whether or not granddaughter has an ulterior motive in wanting to maintain her dog sitting service's availability; setting that aside; if MIL were capable of being loaded onto the 'plane without SIL's coming down to oversee it, that would be only sensible. It is daft for her to come all this way only to go back again. 'Oh she can't manage all that without help' - no, she can't. It's a question yet again of what help, from whom. And as long as one is not too fussy about the whole project being an elegant, seamless glide, and just holds one's breath for the more harm-scarum moments, that could be all kinds of willing hands from point to point along the route. People cope.
Just think of an innocent little envelope making its way from Australia. Can it speak? Can it walk? No. And yet, every Christmas...
Stick a label on her, another one on Poochie, send them into the world. They'll get there eventually...
But never mind all that. Whoever's doing it, it's not going to be you. Isn't that a nice thought?
"Hey you know, .. I know you will have just hosted your son and family for several weeks and will be worn out, .. to have to then hop on a plane and get down here, .. to retrieve your mom, why don't you let me and DH do that end of things and get her to you".
Answer to that: "Oh it's going to be pretty stressful for her, and traumatic .. she doesn't want to leave as you know ... she really is resisting wanting to come here .. so it's going to be pretty stress filled, .. and she thinks she needs so much of what are her things, her dog's things .. it's probably going to be best that I'm there to help with it all".
So it's not that I'm sitting here fat and happy and expecting everyone to do the bidding in it all. I have offered to help facilitate it, and yes .. mostly that was done from the perspective of anticipating the "excuses" that were sure to come. And here we see, the excuses have begun.
I guess where I get so bent with it all, is the expectation that these kinds of things work best, if all work together in it. I don't think that's unrealistic to have that as an expectation.
Work together = when I say I will see her on Thursdays .. I will do so .. and outside of that it's my expectation that dog's special treats and or whatever .. grooming, visits to vet unplanned .. or MIL and needs ........... find a different means .. however that works best for you, .. but putting it in my corner of the world, outside of what I can and will do on Thursdays .. not an option. I thought I made all that abundantly clear when I finally got her to sit down face to face to talk, which was a feat in and of itself, to get face time.
Working together = when I say .. as part of what is on this end as support to it all, that it does not work to have her here in peril's way in the event of storms that crop up .. then the plan needs to be that she be safely tucked away in another state .. and not our charge .. on top of all else entailed in dealing with these sorts of things ... then .. all work together to make it happen. And don't put dog-sitting in front of that .. no .. that's been mentioned as the priority .. countless times ... NUMEROUS times ... so that should be, at least in my view .. A#1 priority .. it's coming to be August .. the time of year when these things, if they're gonna be a problem .. reveal themselves as such .. so ... where's the working together here? It's not there.
Guestshops mention of incomplete reinforcement brought something to mind that I have long found interesting.
Back when I was in college I took a lot of psychology classes as electives. So I don’t remember exactly which psyc class this little tidbit came from. Regardless-
Seems there was some study done on how to get people to do - to preform as desired - and dogs were used as the test subjects. Now, how they related a dogs reaction to a humans reaction - I can’t recall - but they did and the gist of was that the results from dogs would be the expected same results in humans.
Okay. So getting a dog/human to preform an expected behavior/result. Is it best to “reward” every time the desired result is given? No.
Seems that - if you give a reward every time the dog performs, they come to realize that - yes, if I do this I will get a treat. But hohum- can do without a treat right now, I’d rather nap. I’ll do that thing later and get my treat.
If you never reward the dog seems to think - why should I bother - theres nothing in it for me.
However - if a treat/reward is given in an inconsistent manner - when asking the dog to preform a specific action - the dog will preform the desired result every time. Seems the anticipation of “will I get or won’t I get” provokes a more consistent result. As if the dog is thinking - I’d better preform the task cause this may be the time I get a treat and if this is time I don’t want to miss out”.
Does that make sense? And if so - think about how this relates to SIL and her relentless henpecking. Like the dog - SIL seems to be preforming a certain task (texting Dorker and other Dorker requests) over and over cause sometimes she gets rewarded and sometimes she doesn’t. Incompetent reinforcement.
To date, I’ve not joined the
school of thought that SILs texts should be ignored completely or even blocked. But the whole ink cartridge thing is just too much. Seriously? It just too much. Too controlling. Too... almost random. As if she thought “I need to tug on Dorkers leash to keep her in line - what can I have her do?”
Stop replying to SILs texts. Block her if necessary. SIL needs to become the dog who thinks “why bother - there’s nothing in it for me”.
If you pass a Staples or Office Depot keep on driving. The Ink Cartridge is beyond belief.
One more thing that would be a deal breaker for me...the use of a wheelchair for outings. Social, medical, etc. MILs mobility is comprised, along with her stamina. Those are not going to get better. That ship sailed when she didn’t complete PT.
Why is this a deal breaker for me? Because I was taken to the ground trying to assist Mom. I am strong but my tiny 100Lb Mom took me to the ground. Is MILs vanity more important and you having a broken wrist or dislocated thumb. No.
DH thinks MILs vanity would not allow her to use a wheelchair. Her vanity would be shot to pieces if she were sprawled out on a floor in public along with her dignity.
The use of a wheelchair is as much or more for the benefit of whoever is accompanying MIL as it is for her safety, vanity, and dignity.
She meets a brick wall.
Whether that is the fact the dog needs grooming (schedule it on a Thursday)
Whether it's "dog's special treats need to be picked up (glad to see about it on Thursday)
Whether it's .. as was most recently the case, with this unscheduled dental issue .. she ever so gingerly placing it under my nose .. even though YD and MIL had dialogue on it all. I didn't step forth with, "oh dear, let me see if I can move heaven and earth here and get her to that unscheduled, unplanned appt". Nope, deferred back to what MIL and YD had disccussed, as far as my knowledge on it all.
She meets a brick wall.
She doesn't get "reward" unless her "reward" is the hope that I will bite .. is that reward to her? Unless "reward" to her, is simply dialogue .. meaning I might, as I did with the most latest issue on the dental appt., I might answer to it with "I know YD and your mom have talked, and YD offered that she's off next Mon and Tues .. if your mom would like to have them schedule her then". Dialogue? Just discussion .. is that reward enough that she'd continue to come to the troth to look to lap up reward?
I dunno.
I'm done making suggestions. No longer will I propose that she consider in-home visiting physicians and here's the brochure for same .. (goes nowhere). Palliative Care (goes nowhere). Ubers, GoGoGrandparents, Taxi's, city transit (goes nowhere). Wheelchairs (goes nowhere).
No more suggestions from this peanut gallery.
The fault now is mine .. we are still where we were, or partly anyway .... about 14 or so months ago.
In that, the whole problem from the getgo is that they choose to leave their mom in the setting she wants .. absent any "realtime" answers as to how need gets met.
That is still true today.
Used to be, there'd be a bunch of hooey that I thought mattered coming from this end of the world ... and my input into the whole equation .. in the form of conversation/suggestion, etc.
Does no good.
Very very apparent ... they are going to leave their mom in the setting of her choosing .. and they are going to continue to .. as in the case with DH .. "We'll just all pitch in and take it as it comes, can't put things in nice little organized boxes on the shelf Dorker, doesn't work that way .. we'll all just take it as it comes". But he doesn't even know, nor will he ever even be bothered with the day to day b'shit that goes on . of dental appts that can't be seen to because there's no ample way to get there (absent MIL's willingness to use public transport or the like, and that ain't gonna happen). He isn't even in the know, never will be, nor does he care .. that his sister would have me run out to the office supply store, to speak to a print cartridge that MIL doesn't even utilize in a printer.
Or .. as is the case with SIL. Need pops up (nothing has changed) ... she still will put it under my nose to sniff on, to see if I'll walk away with the stench of it all and clean it all up nice and tidy. Still goes on to this day .. 14 months later. The only thing that has changed, is that SIL meets a brick wall, in my repeated declining to step to whatever she's put under my nose. Doesn't stop her though. She still keeps trying ...
I haven't found an effective way to make her understand thoroughly, live it/eat it/breathe it, be it .................. it doesn't fall on a Thursday, ................ I DON'T CARE. Find another means of getting it answered to .........
How to make her understand, putting it under my nose ... (even though she repeatedly meets my declining to step up) ... is going to continue to meet the same. I'm going to decline, .. I may ask, "oh wow, that sounds important, hope it can wait til Thursday". But that's about all she gets out of me.
But yet it continues. How to make her understand .. you live 1K miles away .. and you have your life to live .. .so do I. Even though I live right here in the same city, that doesn't mean I'm going to be at the beckon call of service to this issue. I said it all to you, face to face, back when you were here in April .. I thought you had the brain cells to understand that premise .. but apparently you don't.
Don't know how to make it clear .. putting it on my radar .. isn't gonna get it met. It just isn't.
I'm done with suggestions that don't get heard ..
The stupid damned printer cartridge. You can bet that next there will be some all-important document that MIL needs to get copied (printer also has a copy feature, .. and MIL has been known to go lay a document down on the scanner screen and print something out), .. that'll be next, since I haven't seen fit to go to the office supply store to get this need met. Some all important document that MIL needs to mail a copy to SIL .. oh but gee .. she can't, her printer doesn't work, needs an ink cartridge .. Dorker can you go take care of that so she can send me a copy of "xyz document".
When SIL originally asked of me to see about getting a printer cartridge before she left town .. I filed it away .. under a category in my brain of "get printer cartridge one day when you're at an office supply store". And there is where it suits me .. sitting in that category.
Her underhanded having her mom put it on her GROCERY LIST .. as if I'm some child that needs reminder that thus and so is needed .. that has now filed it under the category "When Hell Freezes Over", .. I will get a printer cartridge when hell freezes over. I might go to an office supply store for myself .. and PURPOSELY NOT GET A PRINTER cartridge now.
This is not for SIL and what works for her needs. None of it. You need your mom's printer to have a cartridge in it, .. then next time you come here, .. there are several office supply stores nearby, knock yourself out. I don't care.
She's going to see a difference in me. That's the only thing I know to do.
She texts me to ask about g'children or any number of other things .. not related to MIL care .. I'll respond. The text then turns to MIL saga .. nothingness back. Not going to engage. Not with her.
MIL needs something, she can communicate that to me.
I mean .. really/seriously! I'm sure you guys see, inside of a week's time here .. there have been the following over-the-top frustrations with regard to SIL:
1. Her having run it up my flagpole about the unplanned dental visit, not in my purview to address, had already been addressed, via YD and MIL. Why it goes up my flagpole is anybody's damn guess.
2. Then to learn she's going to stay home and dog sit .. rather than begin in earnest about trying to get her mom out of harm's way on this end via any storm that may crop up.
3. Then to learn she underhandedly puts on the grocery list for me to go get a print cartridge that she ALREADY TOLD ME WAS NEEDED and I spoke to the issue, that I'd do so at some point, but not imminently.
Inside of a week folks!
And DH .. he doesn't even bother with any of this stupid b'shit that goes on .. the daily crap that crops up .. he's not even in the know, nor would he give a whit if told.
Life has enough frustrations just in it's daily existence of trying to help run a business, and household and be somewhat available and conversational and appreciative of my other family members that need my time/ear.
Nope .. gonna be a difference going forward.
It had gone from my making suggestions, to at least returning volley when approached .. that will now cease. Need on that front, no answer at all. Go pound sand.
I haven't bought a printer cartridge from a STORE since......um.....couple years? And then I happened to be in WALGREENS and saw them and knew I had a bunch of stuff to print and didn't want to wait the TWO WHOLE DAYS it would take to ship, so I bought it. I did not know so much drama could be attached to a printer cartridge!
I know this is beyond beyond hard. I'm tired FOR you.
If MIL is opposed to using wheelchairs, she's fully aware they'll haul her bony bum around the airport in one right? I travel a lot and I ALWAYS see elderly folk in wheelchairs with huge bags containing their life's possessions and USUALLY with a poochy poo in tow. They don't have escorts. The airline provides special assistance. They'll get her settled FIRST and the hoi polloi boards later. Then she's met at the other end by MORE airline employees who will wheel her to her doting daughter. A 1000 mile flight, if you can do non stop, and I bet you can, would take all of 1-1/2 hours in flight. Book her a 1st class ticket. Pack light. Get poochy some anti anxiety meds and give one to MIL and Poochy (yes, I am joking).
We're not moving flippin' MOUNTAINS here, one person who, face it, is just not that special.
If it were up to me, I'd buy the ticket,. iron the dam jammies and a couple of nicer outfits and pack a small bag and haul her to the airport despite her protestations.
I remember carrying my neighbor's little girl, kicking and screaming into kindergarten, every day for several months. She eventually "got it". MIL isn't much difference.
Of course this isn't going to happen. You can't throw somebody on a plane against their will--but it's not going to happen w/o some serious pressure on MIL, SIL and DH.
SIL is the BEST at avoiding the obvious--wow, she could give lessons. As for the packing of the walker--SIL can buy an inexpensive one in IL and use that, so MIL's doesn't even need to be packed. Then SIL can hang on to it or re-sell it. Every "problem" that comes up can be swiftly and almost painlessly dealt with.
Ah well--that's just me, the fixer speaking out. I know that none of the above will happen. MIL will sort of "by hook or by crook" make her way through Hurricane Season, SIL will be relieved and we're back to normal.
Dorker--I really hope that you are truly taking care of yourself. My DH just suffered 2 heart attacks, 2 weeks apart. He is home, recovering, and the last month has been beyond any kind of stress I have ever had. Both should have killed him. He's sick and miserable and I have gone through 2 "he's probably going to die" situations in 3 weeks. Called my psych doc and he gave me some stuff to kind of "flat line" me..I can't GET upset because I'm kinda drugged. He has told me to sleep as much as possible and let as much "debris" wash away. The stress has turned my hair almost all white--he is home and doing OK, but we're months from seeing him be "whole"--which he never will be again. He's 66.
I personally don't have TIME to fuss stupid stuff with his mother and any family dramas. I'm mentally exhausted, and my only priority is my DH.
His heart attacks were not stress related in any way, but it was a huge wakeup call. For both of us. PLEASE take care of yourself. Nobody else is going to.
AS far as the "health aides"....I can tell you that the pay is so poor that you do not get the best and brightest--mostly immigrants, esp in FL, and the language thing is going to be a challenge. It could well be that they simply do NOT have any "better" employees. Not to be racist or anything--my sisters in CG were mostly Hispanic and they could work rings around me. But my client couldn't understand their thick accents and simply dismissed them. Good luck with that--
Mostly, please, take care of YOU. I feel your anger ramping up---and no good comes from a place of anger.
{{Hugs}}
I have gotten so frustrated and fed up with my mom and other members of my family at times that my therapist has to remind me...she uses a little analogy about a chair. She says, "You walk into a room, and a chair is, let say it's green. Well, next time you walk into the room, the chair is still green, even though it's not your favorite color. Do you get mad because it's still green?" The first time she asked I was kind of puzzled, and said, "Uh...no...?"
She said, "Right, because the chair is gonna be green every time you walk into that room. It just IS how it is, and it's not gonna change, so what's the point of getting mad at it?"
So she reminds me of that when I get so aggravated at my family and go on a tirade about how inconsiderate, how rude, I can't believe...etc. And believe me I still do quite frequently. She tells me, "Remember the chair?" So that kind of helps me to remember when I'm wasting my energy by getting mad and letting it rent space in my head for nothing.
But you do have the ability to decide how much and what you will deal with. And it sounds like you do and have, which is good. As to the rest, like you said, not your mess to worry about.
But it I do agree with you - that you are 100% right that - she keeps running things under your nose in hopes you’ll give in and take the bait. That she keeps this up even after The Talk in April and in spite of the fact you’ve yet to take the slightest nibble is mind boggling.
Unfortunately, the only way to deal with her tactic it seems - is to do what you just said - no acknowledgment of any kind when it comes to all things MIL when SIL baits the hook.
As for SIL and the dog analogy...
I currently have three little Cavailer King Charles Spaniels. The cutest, most loving dogs on the planet. The youngest - two yrs old - is a problem. The dogs are not allowed on the furniture - except for my oldest dog who is deaf. He is allowed to sit on a small corner of the back of the couch so he can look out the window. He lost his hearing around age three and became very depressed (everyone stop rolling your eyes - dogs can be depressed!). We believe it was from a lack of stimulation- a sensory deprivation thing - once he was allowed his window spot he got much better.
Anyhoo - for the last year the youngest dog keeps jumping on the couch. He has never once been allowed on the couch - yet everyday he makes the attempt. Several times a day - in spite of me telling him to get down and scolding him. Sometimes he makes his next attempt mere minutes after just getting a scolding. The middle aged dog never tries to get on the couch. I have had eight dogs in my adult life time and have never had a problem training any of them.
So - is my youngest dog dense as a sack of rocks? Ridiculously hopeful and optimistic? Who knows? To be honest, I’m starting to think he is legitimately mentally impaired. After all, it did take a year to get him fully potty trained. My other dogs got it in eight weeks or less.
But I doubt SIL is mentally impaired.
Blocking/not reading & not answering SIL keeps you off the manipulation merry-go-round.
Or read. Or text. Or pick up the phone.
Hugs to all of us who block and covert.
Yes, we know you have no intention of doing that. So why give her even the whiff of an idea that you might? DO NOT ENGAGE AT ALL WITH HER. Block her from texting.
And I like FrazzledMama's chair analogy. SIL is not going to change. She will continue to try to micromanage from afar, watch her grandchildren as much as she can and dog-sit for her D. You do not approve, but getting yourself upset about it is doing nothing. She will not change. And neither will H. He's told you he is taking it one day at a time. He's not going to change. (He'd like SIL to change and force MIL to go to IL. And I'm sure she'd like HIM to change, also.)
Throughout these nearly 4000 posts, you've expressed how dissatisfied you are with their (to you) shirking of their duty to their mother. You think they should have changed MIL's mind. But here again is the chair analogy. They won't be able to change their mother's mind. She wants to live out her days in her own house.
You know how untenable the whole situation is. But, since you can't change any of the three of them, there is NOTHING you can do. You have tried, and seem to be getting resentment for that from H and SIL.
Why can't you let the whole situation be? You tell us you don't care about MIL, but then you write something else that makes us think you do. You have done a wonderful thing in agreeing to see to MIL on Mission Creep Thursdays. But why can't you stop there?
Stop fretting about hurricane season. You have YOUR plan (to leave the state), and that is all you need to be concerned about. If H ends up having to take care of MIL, so be it. That just might be the kickstart to MIL finally changing her living situation.
All of us thought there would be An Event that would catapult MIL into a better living environment by now. But the old lady continues to limp along, somehow making do with less help than she used to have when you were steppin' and fetchin'.
You have done so much for this family. I (and I suspect others) just wish you would stop torturing yourself that the family hasn't gone along with YOUR plan. They might see YOU as a "chair," too, and wish you would change your attitude toward the whole MIL situation. (Well, ideally they would like you to be her stepandfetchit again, but if not that, they don't want to hear about what MIL and they should/should not do.)
I'm not done "caring" about MIL, thus I will continue to engage with limits .. on Thursdays. Which is awfully generous of me considering the circumstances.
I do care about her .. maybe more than she's entitled to, and certainly more than her offspring deserve. Otherwise, I'd of told every one of them to go fly a kite.
But, it's about to get real interesting .. when SIL texts me with some other need dujour of some long epiphany about her having to stay there to dog-sit .. and so forth.
I don't care anymore about their approach and lack thereof. It's not going to change. The green chair, .. it is what it is.
I can only do what I can . which is to be a part of MIL's life to help, with the firm boundaries that I have. I will do so.
Outside of that, all the b'shit daily minutia that goes on .. and covert arm twistings and lame excuses that continue to fly up onto the radar ... I'm done.
I will get real good at ignoring, .. and/or "geeze, gotta run .. was on my way out the door".
Just don't wanna hear any of it anymore. Print cartridges, .. don't wanna ride with strangers, .. don't wanna sign on for in home healthcare, .. and/or Palliative Care .. or just ignore and never answer to it .. just all of it. Don't care anymore.
It's odd, because I do care about MIL .. but I also realize I am absolutely powerless to change a damn thing about the whole thing. Not one ounce of power in any of it.
They, all of them, only care about my input, as far as I will stepnfetch. Absent any willingness to do that, .. .I'm the green chair to them.
Yep, hurricane season comes upon us and a threat pops up, I'm out. That will bring about consternation in the form of, "Dorker, .. you can't .. I can't deal with all this on my own .. and manage mom too .. and her dog .. you can't .....".
Yes I can, I'm gone, .. see ya bye. Work it out with your sister. See ya.
Not even going there with the whole, "well let's see DH, didn't we talk about this ad nauseum that she needs to be safely tucked away in IL with her daughter, away from these things .. didn't we drill that ... over and over, . yet nothing has changed has it, as is the case with so much of it".
There was a time that would've been spoken. No more not to DH not to SIL not to MIL .. just .. I'm out. Bye. See ya when the storm passes.
I don't wish to fight .. and have hard feelings .. and so forth, not with my husband .. not with his sister .. or his mom. But it's not fair they refuse to do anything demonstrative in the way of looking out for her welfare .. and then some covert way of though process that I will somehow step into the fray and pick up the loose ends.
Not doing it, .. and that I know .. .but apparently others don't "know it".
The next .. semi-crises of a sick dog, . and/or MIL .. and a need to get to a doc .. there's gonna be oblivion as I'm attempted to be reached.
As I told DH this morning, .. he's aware that I talk to some of the women that I'm friends with . at our church .. "I was talking to Marlene .. she had to eventually go retrieve her mom and bring her here, from TN .. she doesn't understand why there is all this hesitation on the part of you and your sister ... I was talking to Bev .. Bev had to go retrieve her mom from TX and bring her here to FL .. for her to look after .. it's not easy .. they all agree, but it is necessary .. but for some reason you guys don't see things that way . and I'm done taking orders from your sister, while she sits up there and effing dog-sits ....... ".
Of course, at this point, to him, it's all just "ya ya ya ya" in his ear .. doesn't wanna hear it, . I'm that green chair to him .. .
So we will see how it all falls, when his sister calls him, unable to reach me, "Haven't talked to Dorker in weeks .. I try to call her, but get no answer".
That's right DH .. she only contacts me with her covert arm twisting .. she wants to talk to me about the g'kids, the weather, news events .. whatever .. we'll talk .. I don't care to be a party to covert arm twisting .. done with it.
So there ya go.
See, this is what I meant when I said not to nag H anymore. None of these sorts of statements makes any difference. MIL isn't leaving town anytime soon.
I think you do feel badly that MIL's needs aren't being met, and you want her with SIL so you don't have to feel guilty anymore. I think you still struggle with your decision to only aid/abet/enable her on Thursdays.
DH was yesterday at a funeral at church when a text arrived on his phone from SIL (interesting she chooses to impart this to the one person she knows is not very responsive, and true to form, he reports .. no ..he didn't respond).
Read about like this: "I am just worn out .. the kids have all gone home and thank GOD .. I enjoyed them, but I am worn out. I sure hope no hurricanes get brewed up out there, looks like it'll be at least 3 or 4 weeks before I can get back down there".
I asked DH: "Did she happen to mention that part of the reason for the 3 to 4 weeks is so she an dog sit?".
Answer: "No".
So, ... as DH put it, "I just hope and pray there will be no hurricanes that we have to contend with, .. please Lord".
I responded, "Well I won't be here, .. a hurricane crops up that looks threatening, I'm out".
He said, "anywhere?, one is aiming for TX and you're out?".
Me: "No of course not ... one aims for here, I'm out .. ".
Me further: "I won't be here to contend with your mom and sheltering her, and to be told that she was never treated so rudely in all her life .. ".
Him: "Yea, it's probably best that you head out, if that happens".
Me: "shame I have to vacate my own home .. when maybe i wouldn't .. but by GOD let's all do what works for YOUR MOM and YOUR SISTER ......... no compromise anywhere".
No response to that one.
I know .. I know. Green chairs .. that aren't gonna change colors. I know.
So .. as I told DH just as a warning, ... "it's not anything you're going to address that's obvious .. and you don't even know .. aren't even aware of the day to day b'shit that goes on as to need on that front .. but the next time your sister steps in my rose garden with her covert arm twisting it's gonna be on .. she's gonna hear it from me".
No response.
So be it.
3-4 weeks to recover. Hm. Lucky her. You're still stuck in the trenches, trying not to get sucked into the mud. SIL is living her life and flitting around and you're stuck with MIL duty.
In 4 weeks it will be almost SEPTEMBER. And, (sigh) the worst of the hurricanes will be over, right? So, shoot, why worry about MIL? You know she has ZERO intention of coming back to fetch MIL, don't you? Maybe a short visit to prop up MIL'S life, but she'll stay a few days, and flit off again, content that she handled it all so well.
In your heart you knew this is exactly what she'd do. No surprises.
I'm so sorry you are even involved on Thursdays. When I had mother T & Th and some Fridays, I'd wake up sick to my stomach. She sounds like a carbon copy of you MIL....the dithering....the fussing.....the boring minutiae of the neighbor-spying she did. I would grind my teeth to the point I cracked more than one.
Well---nothing really new, right? DH won't push SIL to come get MIL NOW,..and he also won't pack her up and haul her personally to IL. Since he won't get involved and do just that, then he gets to deal with the constant long distance micro managing. You hold firm to THURSDAYS ONLY.
Making snarky comments to you "Oh if there's a hurricane in TX, you're leaving?" would get my DH a slap in the face, metaphorically speaking. Snarky-talking is a way to shut us up and then shut us down. I hate when my DH does it to me.
He wouldn't last a day taking care of his mother w/o you dancing attendance. Part of me prays for that hurricane that makes her have to move. Just because I am feeling not very kind today.
My sweet grandma used to say "I really just don't want to outlive my family's love for me"...that's a real fear of mine, too. I fear you MIL has done just that.
And sadly, none of this drama needed to even be. Really, that's the takeaway. It just did not need to be this way.
We all know, he doesn't respond. She does too, has complained of that in the past.
Good thing she didn't send it to me, she wouldn't of liked the response.
Interesting also that I was beefing about some of this after church today .. reason .. DH asked me "why was Bev sitting talking to you" (this was at church) . I told him the truth. Bev asked me, "August is upon us here, are they making plans to get your mother in law shuffled out of here", and I told her the truth .. no .. looks like dog sitting is a priority on that end, so . no .. there is no departure in the works here.
Told DH that.
DD and her crew were here, visting .. and DD and her husband chimed in, "Yea, was interesting yesterday when SIL was texting DD .. just .. talking of how tired she is after her son's visit and what all they did, .. we figured it was baiting DD .. that the big .. "NEED" would be forthcoming ... whatever that "NEED" might be .. but DD's phone died .. and she never responded to any of it".
I saw that MIL tried calling here today about 1 or so .. and I purposely didn't answer it. In no mood to deal with either she or her daughter at this point. If there is need on that end, .. or some info that needs to be imparted, . they can do so via DH.
Have no idea if DH was reached about whatever that call was about and don't care to even ask.
VERY profound statement.
I urged that he take her to the urgent care site as I tried to get her to do previously.
He says no ...not gunna do all that.
Whatever.
Do you folks see ???... it's every few days there us something that summons one of us to that front.
Just glad it was DH this time and I wasn't even aware of any ongoing problem in that front.
As it should be.
Hopefully he will have seen fit to go to the urgent care facility but doesn't sound like that was anything he wanted to do.
Oh well.
This Thursday's visit is slated for knee injections ...so ....not sure how/when the back/rib issue can or will be seen to, if at all.
The ortho doc most certainly can take a look at her aching back. He'll likely turf her off to a back dr or something, but she'll have had some attention paid. Perhaps, though, the pain is caused by the way she uses her walker. My mother cannot lift her head up at all, she has walked bent over her walker about 2' ahead of her--she's more "chasing it" than using it for support. Her neck and shoulders are knots of sore muscles. And what does doc order EVERYY SINGLE TIME SHE SEES HIM FOR THIS? PT. Always. And she goes off, doesn't do the exercises and doesn't get any better.
I ASSUME Dh didn't check for shingles rash, right? Just showed up and the left.
Also the pain can be caused by her knees being so bad....knees hurt, you walk in a way that "feels" better and that causes back pain, that snowballs into more aches and pains.
Turned out the back/rib thing, it was no worse or better. Not sure why DH felt summoned or what was said that initiated a need to visit for what turns out was pretty much the same ongoing issue.
He just fixed her some soup and fruit.. to which she replied she hadn't planned to eat anything. But polished off what was fixed for her. And he visited.
That was that.