I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
SIL had not heard back from text to DH about not coming until August.
DD phone went dead when SIL tried to call.
MIL call to home number went unanswered.
Two calls and a text unanswered.
I was thinking last night that it wouldn’t be long until an alarm went out.
Ortho doc could also order home PT for MIL. Since the shots are not working so much anymore, perhaps the therapy would help strengthen her leg muscles to support her knees?
Home therapy is better than no therapy.
PLUS it gives her more interaction with other people.
The therapy could also help MIL make the phantom trip to IL.
I've seen several instances recently where you've stepped in to tell H things that to me are "nagging." I know you disagree; so be it. This would have been one of those things. H went over to MIL's; if he didn't deem MIL's ailment important enough for urgent care, so be it. Why do you continue to tell him what you think should be done? The way I see it is, if you aren't willing to do it, then you don't have any say in what someone else does.
I am coming on strong with you, it is true. I think you have done a fabulous job in drawing boundaries and (mostly) sticking to them regarding Thursdays. But I see your emotional involvement as still being too much. If you are only getting involved on Thursdays, then you need to take down the emotional involvement an equivalent amount. Look how stressed and angry you are getting yourself because you are still so emotionally involved!
Remember - you are doing more than anyone else with your Thursdays.
While you do not agree with MIL's views - she is happiest in her house with poochy, even if it means she gets subpar care because she is alone. You of all people are treating her as a PERSON with your visits and talking with her. DH sees her as a list of FIXIT chores, SIL sees her as a list of DR FIXIT. I think you are the only one who chats with her. That is huge and I know she enjoys it.
NO-ONE BUT YOU is interested in MIL move to IL. The disruption to MIL and the work it will make for SIL, MIL is much more than the possible disruption of a hurricane. AND they know DH is there in case the chips fall. She is going no-where. Best case, she'll be able to stay at home all season. Worst case, you'll evacuate and DH will be alone with her and poochy and all of her needs. But even worst case is likely to be a few days or a week vs several months in IL. No one else sees the need to move her.
This is HARD. We've all experienced the stubborn elder and the ticking time bomb of "the fall" that finally puts them in a place where they get 7x24 care. My dad fell, broke his pelvis and still screamed at the EMT technicians to leave him alone - he could get up later. He knew that my stepmom was waiting for the fall to get him in to the nursing home. He should have been there at least a year before the fall.
Take care - get one of your daughters and go out for a "you" day - get a pedicure.
It is a shame that it usually comes to this and their screaming of "NO ER" that follows.
My aunt fell backward off a porch, landing 5 feet below in a rocky koi pond and yelled at everyone that she was OK and "Don't you DARE take me to the ER!" Having worked for years in healthcare, she knew this was the path to the NH.
They took her to the ER and she yelled at the doctors "Don't you DARE put me in the hospital! I'm fine, just a little sore!" They listened and did not frigging admit her! She had 3 fractured vertebrae. 3 days later she was off the chain crazy with pain, screaming to go to the ER for a pain shot. They admitted her (different hospital). Thus began a whole year of merry-go-round visits of hospital, rehab, back home.
Except for one huge difference. And that is you, Dorker.
You have had a full-on awakening - a realization - of exactly who and what you’re dealing with. An in-sight to all the players true colors, if you will.
Whether dh and sil were just blowing smoke up your skirt and never intended on moving MIL - although if this is the case I do not believe it was a joint conspiracy- or if they honestly thought it could happen and wussed out when they realized just how unhappy MIL would be - and how hard she would
fight against it... Well, it really doesn’t matter much at this
point. Green chairs and all.
In fact, dh has said all along that his “plan” was to take things as they cropped up - one day at a time.
As for sil - I like the spinning top analogy. Going round and round bumping into obstacles and spinning on. Did you ever watch Saturday Night Live back in its golden years? Gilda Radner had a character that was a hyperactive little girl - that’s how I picture sil. It’s all as if she just can’t help herself in all her mania and manic behavior.
But you, Dorker- you can help yourself. And you have. You clearly see all the players now - and their game plan which they use over and over again. As in sports, this gives you the clear advantage. You know in any given situation what “plan” they’ll run and you can zig and zag defensively and come out the winner.
Boundries. Thursday’s. Blocking and/or ignoring texts and phone calls. Telling dh, yd and dd to do as they want - and that you’ll be doing the same. Not your monkey - never was.
Yes, it’s sad that nothing has changed. But everything’s changed.
She wants that cloud in the sky to come get her, but me thinks that "cloud" is going to feel a lot like a cement driveway smacking her in the face when she finally does the "big fall" Not being rude, just, she cannot control the "cloud", she can only control where she lives and that is what is going to get her. Some awful fall, with either a conscious or unconscious ride to the ER and then--her life will change completely.
I just give Dorker a huge pass if she feels angry and expresses it here. B/C I have a feeling she is holding it all together in front of friends and family. I know b/c a lot of MY texts--well, you'd meet me and think "this little lady isn't capable of that kind of anger"---we quiet ones are the ones ya gotta watch. We don't blow very often, but wow, when we do----run for cover.
Had our 4 yo g'daughter over to spend the night, so this morning I was sitting outside having my morning coffee as I do most mornings .. and reading on the smartphone, and conversing and playing with the 4 yo ..
I didn't bring any of this up .. as I'm trying very hard .. yes, too emotionally engaged .. trying very very hard to back up from it all, because .. nothing changes/nothing changes/nothing changes, EVER. So . quit caring, find a way to the button that says, "I don't care, and press it hard".
DH joined with his coffee .. and here is how that conversation went:
DH: Last night over at mom's .. she had me call L (Church Lady) and tell her not to come, so I did it .. she just said she is spending most of her time in bed .. and not getting around well ... hell she gets around like she always does, . just barely ... she's no different .. I made her get up out of bed, and fixed her a can of soup and some fruit and I sat with her, and she ate it all, but she didn't feel up to a visit from L, so I called L and told her not to come.
((He goes on to say))
I'm about ready to call M (SIL's daughter that routinely dumps her 3 dogs on SIL), and tell her .. the days of you dumping your dogs on your mom, they are OVER ... those are your dogs, .. not her's .. and your granny down here is not doing well, and your mother needs to be available to deal with THAT .. NOT WITH YOUR DOGS. I am just about to lower the boom on all that and let M know that it's over .. she needs to figure out what the hell to do with her 3 dogs .. and quit dumping it on SIL to deal with ... Mother is so frail .. so ailing ....
((He goes on)))
Ya know, .. talking to her last night, I almost coudn't believe it when she said herself, "ya know I think the time has come that I would be better off with SIL .... I sit here in this house, day in and day out, staring out this window .. I can't go anywhere, .. I'm getting so that I can't do anything for myself anymore, my bills are behind ... I just can't do anything anymore, .. I think that I would be better off with SIL. I told her, .. mother yes .. you NEED TO BADLY ... you sit here a prisoner in your home, if you'd go to where sister lives .. and let her help you .. and maybe you could actually get out some .. who knows .. but you'd also be there, where sister can look after you, and not worry so about you. I couldn't believe I heard her say that .. but it's bad. I tried to get her to dig out some of her bills and I can help her, but she wouldn't let me . I tried .. over and over .. let me help you .. but she wouldn't .. she said that sister pays her bills.
ME: No, SIL helps her when there is .. like a bill comes in that she doesn't think she owes that much and why .. and SIL will then get to the bottom of it .. and get the phone calls made on her behalf, but no .. she still pays her own bills . not SIL ... why is she behind, .. money ..??....".
DH: No, I got the sense, it's that she just can't keep up anymore .. not $ .. just .. everything is too much for her to accomplish.
Now enters YD .. who is off work today .. and slated to take MIL for that much hullabaloo dental appt that was discussed before, thus the reason she'd be up at that early hour (which isn't typical of her) on her days off from work.
YD hears the topic of conversation ongoing ..
DH: Why are you up so early, do you work today?
YD: No, I have to go get MIL and take her to the dentist
ME: Your dad thinks he might just give M a call about this dog watching business and set her straight ... but .. here's what he's gonna hear from M .. as MIL already asked that of M ... and M's explanation is that her dogs .. one has heart issues .. one has food aggression issues ..the other is just rambunctious and so M's argument if your dad calls her, is gonna be the same one she told MIL when she asked why the dogs are always being dumped on SIL .. and why can't she take the dogs to someone else, .. she's gonna tell your dad about the varying characteristics of each dog and the ailments thereof .. as excuse for why they must be cared for by someone who will be vigilant as to their care .. for the reasons I said.
YD: "I dunno dad, that's on your sister, .. she's the one that should be prioritizing better she should just tell M no .. that her mom needs her .. and she can't care for dogs.
DH: Well I'm of a mind, I don't give a chit .. about dogs and their varying different ailments .. and I'm just about to let M know about it, those days are OVER .. for her .. that mother is down here and needs help .. and she needs to figure it the hell out.
DH: (asking again, I guess he wasn't listening before) .. .why are you up this early, what .. are you going to work.
YD: No dad, I just told you I have to go get MIL and take her to a dentist appointment (then a big sigh on YD's part) .. and then .............. SIL has been blowing my phone the hell up ... she says that while we're out . the dog needs more pill pockets .. and that she'd been talking to so and so .. and that B6 vitamins help that person with the neuropathy in her feet ................. so she wants me to go to Walgreens and get some B6 vitamins for MIL and then to the pet store to get more pill pockets .. and I have to take her to the dentist this morning ... I just had the dog last week at the vet for her! and next week, I have to go back again, to take the dog for follow up!
At this point DH turns to me
DH: "Why aren't you taking her?".
Me: I do Thursdays remember? I'm taking her for knee injections on Thursday .. and YD has to take her today to do what she said, and next week, the dog back to the vet .. do you see ...?!?!?!?........all it constantly takes as to propping up her needs".
DH: "I see! I know!"
End result of above ...
I don't think for a minute he will phone his sister or his niece .. neither one. He blew off steam at the frustration of it all ................. maybe even saw for himself ........... first hand ............. as he said ............ "she wasn't gonna eat, .. I don't think if I'm not there .. she eats".
I asked, .. "you heading out there tonite to make sure she eats?"
Answer: "No, my sister needs to get her ass down here and get mother ready to go with her, to look after her!".
At that, the 4 yo .. maybe having enough of the serious adult conversation . interrupted and that was the end of all that.
I would hope he would take some initiative and I did tell him at some point in all the above, "I think it's high past time you get off the sidelines and get pro active here" (went nowhere).
I don't hold out much hope anything will change.
Now where is that "I don't care button".
No, I didn't ask if he inquired if she's taking her Lasix.
Does it even matter anymore? You ask her and she gives some song and dance about can't make it to the bathroom .. it's too hard with her issues with mobility .. and round and round it goes .. why bother asking .. so I didn't ask him if he inquired on that point. I'm sure he didn't.
It wasn't lost on me, that used to be me. All the above and more.
It's no damn wonder I burned out badly .. the above .. used to be routine .. me running .. meeting myself coming and going to ring the bell on all the need, me alone.
Poor YD.
She has been told that she can say no. She did the other day and good for her.
Don't know what becomes of it all.
I'm so damn mad at SIL I think I could chew her up and spit her out ............ it's good she's running up YD's flagpole what the latest "need" is ... she'd get an earful if she communicated with me right now. In fact, it's been about all I can do to NOT initiate that ass chewing I think she deserves. I mean it.
Yes, I know .. I keep reminding myself of the green chair. But it's not helping right now.
I mean .. c'mon ................... B6 and Neuropathy .. one more pill, one more procedure one more test, one more gadget ............ with her it's always a quick fix somewhere that she can delegate out to others to hop-to and get to steppin to "fix it all".
Pill Pox .. they can be ordered via Amazon and be there in 1 damn friggin day.
I haven't heard another thing about a printer cartridge and I better not. I answered how I intend to deal with it .. it gets put on my flagpole again, she's gonna get blasted.
And no, I asked YD if a printer cartridge is on her list of "to-do's" and no .. she doesn't know anything on that topic.
All while she stays there to friggin effing ........ dog damn sit.
And for anyone who says .. well .. she has two offspring (3 actually but one checked out years ago . and I'm beginning to see why) ... so two offspring .. why should it all be on the sister. She is retired, she and her husband both are retired. We are not.
Now that isn't said from the frame of reference, that because she's retired .. she then can fork over her enjoyment she worked for all her life .. and devote her daily existence to her mother. But she can damn sure get in the game ... and figure out what best approach there should be going forward .. with regard to her mother, be that you take her in .. if you want her care to be thus and so .. or you figure out that we all need to chip in to hire help to come in daily .. and I've agreed to that previously .. wasn't me that took that off the table .. or you can start an earnest conversation with you brother and your mother, about settings where she can reside for that care.
And stop throwing gadgets, procedures, pills, tests, on and on and on and on ............. at it all.
All while delegating out BS assignments for others to step to. Yes, today I am pissed. Royally pissed.
I'd be real interested to see if she ever does make it to IL .. will prima donna M ever get asked to step n fetch. I'm betting no.
I don't know the result of that .....this was conversed with MIL last time I saw/talked to her, which was this past Thursdays' visit.
Did they then pull all help .. til they can resolve her specifications to her satisfaction? I don't know.
Did they now send someone that maybe came yesterday? I don't know.
But these folks aren't gonna be of the sort to run errands, they are there, for hygiene if needed, and/or light housekeeping if needed ... but errands, not anything they are in the biz to serve .. not hauling MIL anywhere, no bringing her things.
If MIL's ankles and feet are so swollen that even H is noticing, perhaps it won't be long before the precipitating crisis that lands her in the hospital happens. (And then rehab, and then a long-term facility.)
I think this is perhaps more likely than the hurricane scenario that might land the Green Chair (MIL) in the Yellow Bedroom?
This aunt has very similar health issues as MIL, yes, the swollen feet and ankles and not getting out of bed are leading to the hospital. I can promise you she is not taking her Lasix. And no, do not even bother asking about it or nagging her to take it.
And when the emergency comes, if she is really bad off, she is going to tell the hospital staff and all of you "DON'T LET ME DIE!" She will NOT want a DNR.
What MIL WANTS is for things to go back to how they were - in her home with DAILY stepping, fetching and enabling by Dorker and family.
And Xena is so right. I've seen this ship sail before. I recall one time several months ago, .. if you all remember, at that time MIL was sore with me, .. after having sheltered here for the storm .. and she felt she'd never been "treated so rudely in her life". It was after that .. she made the command decision that the time has come .. that she will need to now go to her daughter's .. as sad as that is. And made it a point to call everyone in her little notebook to mark that she is going to acquiesce ...
That was months ago. Last Fall, in fact.
If you guys remember (I sure do) ... I only heard this via DD. When I did reach out to MIL, with a "Gee, I'm hearing you've decided the thing you need to do now is to go ahead to live with SIL?".
The response I got that I remember very clearly, "well yes, .. it really isn't anything I wanted to ever have to do .. but you know, everything has become more than I can manage, ,.. so I have made the decision .. and let's see I talked to OD, I talked to DD, I have told YD .. I called my brother in law in TN .. I called my niece in TN .. I told DH .. yes, that about sums it up *I've told everybody that's of importance*.
I remember thinking at the time, "hmm .. okay .. duly noted, .. you've told everyone of importance, .. you didn't tell me, I only heard it via the grapevine .. noted .. where I stand as to *importance*.
It was all a drama, an academy award winning performance that got her all the "well you poor poor thing, I know this isn't at all what you wanted to have happen .. are you sure .. .surely you don't have to do this, we'll all help you, you know we're all here .. we'll all do everything we can to help you". And that kinda thing .. it elicited just what she wanted.
And as I said, was all the way back to last Fall. So .. several months ago. And since then, it has been "no she is staying here, she has a team now".
Xena is dead on.
Especially when you consider ... YD took MIL to the dentist today for that much hullabaloo'd appt.
YD now home .. from all the steppin n fetchin from that .. "how'd it go with granny and the dental appt?".
YD: "Great, we went to lunch at that little seafood place she likes so much".
ME: REALLY!?!??!?! Sounded like she was at death's door last night when DH was there, .. and it was all she could do to be cajoled and coaxed out of bed for a mere bowl of soup ... she had the energy to go out to lunch?!??!?".
YD: "Oh it's a nightmare .. she's so feeble just trying to get her anywhere at all ... it takes FOREVER .......... she's so slow .. but she can't help it .. yea .. it was her idea .. she wanted to go there, so after we finished, we went and had lunch and I had a Pina' Colada and she had a Margarita".
Suddenly there is a rebound now ....
I asked YD: "Did she have anything to impart to you about this big move that she now tells your dad she thinks is going to be best".
YD: "Yea .. she said she just is going to have to go on and go to her daughter's .. that she just is too weak and needs too much help".
Me: "Uhm huh .. okay".
If she thought that her big drama last night with DH was going to elicit any phone call from my corner, maybe from the corner with DD .. or OD .. or any other such thing .. it hasn't happened. Not gonna .. as far as I'm concerned.
I don't care. I will go there on Thursdays .. as long as she's here .. and that's it.
I think his sister is an irresponsible POS .. and her son .. hard to say much horrible about him, he's my husband .. but he too is a POS as to how he handles his mother and her waning years. Both of them are.
So be it. Green chairs.
No, DH knows .. she moves in here, I move out.
Not sure who will care for his mom .. he is at work .. so .. .????....move her in here why?, .. and besides that she was never treated so rudely in her life as when she last stayed here. I don't think "here" is where she wants to be.
She wants to be in her home, .. doted upon .. by Dorker and family .. and be damned what our lives might be .. or what we might wish them to be .. but by damn her daughter can watch dogs . for the prima donna daughter up there.
You can tell, I am steaming today . It's a cloudy rainy day here, .. and don't feel much like getting out in it to go anywhere.
Distracting myself with a local high profile trial that's on the net .. and doing some CE for DH.
And other than that, .. they can all kiss it where the sun don't shine .. as they say.
Just so pizzed. Xena is absolutely dead on. It's all for the academy award she's sure is to come.
Just tell her that for me, will ya?
Maybe SHE has dementia?
Oh my, I posted this before your last one, Dorker. She had a Margarita?
Jeez.
Yes, what an idiot. Amazon can have any damn thing you want, next day it's at your frickin door.
Yes, stupid! I never thought of her as such .. but I do now, resoundingly stupid.
No, .. she doesn't wanna bother, .. she'd rather all that she can direct to jump and how high .. do it.
Glad I'm off that list.
I haven't been directed as to pill pox or B6 or any damn thing else. Except for last week when the stupid cartridge appeared under tomatoes and fruit on the grocery list.
Better not be there this week either.
I think .. no I'm sure, it will get ugly at that point, Don't even give me an iota of a reason to blow my stack at this point, cuz it's coming.
Like Midkid defined it .. anybody that meets me in person .. and spends any time around me would think, "Dorker .. anger and rage?, no .. that's not at all what I would think about her".
Seething underneath though.
At least about this!
I'm sure that too, is .. according to her, sure to summon the masses of concern and doting.
NOT.
This is what I mean when I say I don't care anymore. I do care that I will go on Thursdays and do for her in the confines of that ...
But call her as I used to, "oh dear MIL .. DH tells me that your feet are horrible puffy and swollen and then to learn that YD couldn't even get shoes on your feet today ...???....No no this can't stand .. .we have to get you back on that Lasix .. or if you're taking it and it's that bad, are you monitoring your weight as you've been told, surely that increase is seen in the scales and we may need to get you on scuffled off to the doc .. surely we need to get this dealt with immediately".
Nope. Don't care.
Not doing that, nor am I trying to reach out to DH .. per se .. "DH you have gotta go back over there, .. that's not good .. now you need to talk to her, .. she has got to take her Lasix ... ".
Nope.
Don't care.
It dawned on me the other day ....... as I pondered why I've gotten to a stage that I don't care and I don't .. I am not cajoling on meds, .. etc any longer .... not on in home visiting physicians, HCPOA's .. Palliative Care .. none of it, .. I don't care. I was pondering .. "what's wrong with me that I can be so aloof and uncaring".
It dawned on me .. her offspring have a lifetime and a bond of conditioned response ...
Me, I only came onto the scene as a young woman ... and have known her for 40 plus years .. but I didn't grow up being conditioned to coddle all this BS Thus, as my therapist said, "Everybody has their limits and you've .. yours have been reached, saturated".
Precisely.
Thus I am not gonna send up flares and alarms .. and put in calls of concern to SIL .. and oh dear what shall we do ..
Don't care.
But you CAN'T care, or do, more than her own children do.
If they aren't willing to force any of these issues, you shouldn't either.
The thing that struck me today, is that when DH asked about dentist visit, and YD said she was doing it, and he asked why YOU weren't doing it, and you said I DO THURSDAYS, he didn't push back!
That's HUGE. at least in my book.
He's starting to see the picture. He's starting to see how much it takes to prop her up and he's starting to understand the manipulation that's going on. (Absent brother got that long ago; you're right, we ALL understand him much better now).
I predict that when she falls/becomes ill/ gets taken to the hospital, there will be no, or very feeble mention of the Yellow Room.
And you will stand firm.
Bravo to you, Dorker.
Sorry, but I laughed at this!!!
I believe I mentioned this to you a week or two ago. It is called compassion fatigue.
You DO still care, believe me, or you wouldn't be so angry. If you truly didn't care, you'd never go on Thurs and would be totally clueless whenever someone tells you about her latest crisis because you would be so mentally removed from it that she would never be on your radar.
I promise you that today or tonight, MIL will be on the phone with SIL saying something like this, "My feet and legs are SOOOOO SWOLLEN! I've never seen them this bad. They hurt so badly. I have NO IDEA why they are soooo swollen. I just do not understand it. I cannot even wear any of my shoes. I have to wear my huge slippers and even they are very tight because my feet are SOOOO SWOLLEN!"
Then your phone is going to BLOW THE HELL UP! And when you ignore it, DH, YD, DD, and ODs phones are going to blow up as well.
Then, later, MIL will say something to you like, "Well that daughter of mine. I just don't get her. She is just having a fit. I just slipped up and said something about my feet being a little swollen and she is having a fit. I wish I had been more careful and not slipped up and told her that. I hope she has not been worrying you about trying to get me another doctor appointment to fix this. I'm so tired of going to doctors!"
I know YD .. for whatever the reason...already has that valuable nugget of top spinning, teeth gnashing, hand wringing worry on SIL's radar.
Not sure how it even came up for YD to mention it except to say while dentist worked on MIL, That's when YD took off in pursuit of pill pox and B6, using MIL's debit card. Discovered she didn't know MIL's PIN #. Called SIL for this info ...
Twas this that brought about (somehow) imparting to SIL about the monstrosity feet/ankles. To which was inquired of what I suppose SIL would hope to find in YD, but won't...not in YD, "Why? Is she not taking her Lasix?" He's answer: I dunno.
I can only hope for her sake as well as DH's ... this too now forefront on DH's radar to go view and inquire about as today's worry.
As my mom put it when someone keeps returning to something
*hope they pour it on him around him and when that's finished pour it in him*
Meaning wear yourself out with it all and then some.
If SIL knows what's good for her she'll find someone from non existent Team MIL to view this mess.
DH will likely blow a fuse.
Hope so.
As we all know the great driving caper that never ends. . Whether to, or not to .. and MIL.
No one has handed down any decree mandating that she can no longer drive. But it's thought by all, that's probably not something she should do any longer. Every once in a while, she throws that out there, .. "maybe I'll just drive myself", .. probably in an effort to create the firestorm she knows is sure to follow and to get her way as to whatever it is she needs to get to and needs someone to transport.
Last week when I was there, .. she mentioned just in passing, "I miss driving my car, I miss being able to get in my car and go wherever I want to, when I want to, I wish I could drive again, I just wish that I could drive again".
Well played Dorker.
I responded, .. "maybe you can ... nobody has said you can't ... get yourself tested .. why don't you get an appt at the DMV place and have them test you .. maybe you're alright to drive .. who knows".
Ahaa!!!!!
I didn't argue the point with her ... how far I have come. I didn't try to persuade. I didn't take that in the form of suggestion to DH or to SIL .. "why don't you guys get her tested". Nope, put the ball in her court and didn't argue with her or persuade otherwise.
She is no more apt/able to figure her way and navigate how to get herself an appt at DMV .. and get there than the man on the moon. That whole navigational process .. even that, would be too much for her.
She asked: "Where would I go to do that?".
Answered; "The DMV .. where'd SIL take you last May to get your license renewed?, that's where".
Her: "How would I even found out how to call them?".
Me: as I continue moving about doing what I'm doing, feigning being engaged .. "I don't know, I'm sure they're in the phone book, not sure".
I can guarantee you that I will not hear that she has somehow found her way thorugh that whole process and gotten an appt. Unless ... unless SIL has somehow gotten that memo and made her an appt .. and fine and good .. need to get to a DMV site and be tested .. fine by me. I'm not a professional .. nor an MD ... and so let the professionals handle it. They say she can drive .. this person who has to hold onto anything she can put her hands on to take on step to the next .. how is she even gonna get to the car, unless it's the walker, .. then she can't even fold up and collapse the walker, someone has to do that for her ..
They test her and say she's good to go, who am I to argue that point. I doubt SERIOUSLY it would even get to that point, and if it did .. she'd not pass any driving test .. and likely have to surrender her license there.
I purposely didn't set about with, "Oh let me take care of that for you, I'll get you an appt set up and one of these Thursdays .. we'll head on over there and have them test ya .. no big deal".
Nope.
I figure .. if that's something you think yourself capable of doing, then by golly go for it .. and the first part of that, .. navigate the process of how to get it all set up.
I'm not being overly punitive here or somehow mean and uncaring .. that's not my goal.
But ........
I don't think she needs to be driving, none of us do. But no one has done a damn thing to remove that capability .. and so ... go for it .. you think you can do it, go for it, do the legwork to get it all looked at as to whether you can actually take the wheel of your car again and drive. Can't get that done .. too daunting .. maybe you need to decide for yourself that's not something you can do any longer.
Back when .. way back when.. when I thought my suggestions .. about all matters large and small, mattered. I had encouraged that SIL take her for a driving test .. this was about May or last year or so .. SIL here ... as it had become to be a little bit questionable. Her so weak and frail ..
SIL not only didn't do that, she took her in May of last year .. to go renew her DL .. and here in our state, .. I don't guess any test other than vision is required, and she passed that. DL renewed.
SIL was here at the time, and I guess, her checking that off her list of useless things that need to be seen to (MIL's DL wouldn't renew until November .. 6 months later).
SIL soon departed to return home .. this was back when I was harping at everyone that I need something to change here, DD having twins, gonna need to be on that front . not on the MIL front .. and I was told repeatedly she will manage. SIL left to return home.
It was about a month into the twin's arrival .. that MIL was hospitalized for what turned out to be a UTI . there a doc wanted her tested and a PT/driving program ensued before resuming driving, due to some cognitive testing that she struggled with.
That, .. wasn't seen to, .. SIL with her MD degree, declared it that she was only suffering some confusion due to the UTI, .. UTI now cleared . .she's fine.
SIL stayed here .. a little longer but then returned on home, MIL free to drive.
So in that time frame .. sometime between August when she returned back home .. and December when she fell .. and hasn't driven since. It was sometime in that Aug-Dec time-frame when she pulled into her garage and kinda crashed into just a bit . her workbench shelving in her garage .. only nominal damage to the workbench shelf and her car's front bumper. But still ...
She fell in December .. and the recoop from that was months and months .. and she has probably only driven 2 x's since then, and both times were times she snuck out and did so . and told the story later .. much to the chagrin of those that care about her.
And then you're over there and hear her lament the fact she can't drive anymore.
I was thinking of that earlier .. as I sat and talked to my mom.. and she nursing her new husband back to health .. not yet driving again (fell a few months ago, broke his leg). Remembering that conversation with MIL last week. I thought to myself, KUDOS to me .. I didn't suggest to anyone what needs to happen .. nor did I argue, persuade/cajole .. or justify with MIL. Fine you wanna drive again, . figure it out, whether it's viable.
Haven't even told DH about the conversation and certainly not SIL. I don't make suggestions anymore. You want thus and so, go for it .. do it .. figure it out. But I don't go to SIL and/or DH .. "MIL needs to do ____________ and ____________ we need to figure out ___________ and ___________".
I have, sometimes it doesn't feel like it, but I have come some distance in this whole fight.
I'd say "well played" and move on, there, don't you think?
Time marches on and forces us to give up things.
MIL getting behind the wheel would be almost as dangerous as a tipsy person driving. And what the heck is she gonna do if she gets lost or runs in a ditch?
I keep referencing my aunt in my posts here, but their stories are eerily similar. My aunt did not want to give up driving. She has had numerous hospital and rehab stays due to falls, CHF, etc. Year before last, she wanted to go visit her granddaughter who lives 45 miles away. Once she got out of her neighborhood and on a major highway (she did know how to do that), the route involved THREE turns. Another granddaughter set her up with a Garmin unit, punched in the address and spent probably 2 hours with her going over it over and over until she had it down. The granddaughter even came over and turned it on for her the day she was leaving.
Well, she did what a LOT of us do when we are using a GPS- she thought she knew better than what it was telling her to do and turned down a different road. She got LOST. It was spring but the weather was quite warm. A trip that have taken 45 minutes took almost FOUR HOURS. Her other granddaughter and husband were out frantically searching for her. She wasn't answering her phone. Turns out she got tired of driving around and simply pulled off the road and TOOK A NAP!!!!! I have no doubt she probably pulled into a shaded area and turned off the car to do that, not wanting to burn fuel. A highway patrol officer found her.
This was 2 years ago and I'm still angry about it.
But she does seem to have some awareness that she maybe isn't fit to drive .. and mostly, for her, that centers around the fact she has good days and bad days .. and on her good days .. which seem to be few and far between .... she maybe feels that she could conquer it .. on her bad days .. which she seems to have more of ... she has some realization that she maybe isn't capable of doing so. So for that, it's good .. I'm grateful .. that she has some awareness around the issue. And doesn't fight it, and go do stupid things like get in the car and cause a wreck somewhere.
I understand, I would hate it if someone told me those days are over for me, the freedom and flexibility to go where I want/when I want. I do understand and sympathize with her on that point. I don't fault her for "wanting to drive". I would too.
Thus, this one time, .. my response to her, was absolutely dead on perfect. I am not a professional that assesses folks and their driving abilities or lack thereof, nor am I a physician. Thus, maybe I'm out to lunch and she IS capable .. and her son and daughter, out to lunch.
I SERIOUSLY DOUBT IT.
But put the ball back in her court .. by all means, knock yourself out, go get tested ..
She asked me a month or so ago, if I'd take her out and let her drive some (her daughter had done so 1 x before she left, merely in the neighborhood, no main highways or thoroughfares) ... but had no more time to attend to that issue, .. I mean there were driveways that needed pressure washing for God's sake. I declined, when MIL asked me to do take her driving .. to "see how I do". Nope. Your son and daughter don't want you driving .. you need to talk that over with them .. and not only that you probably need to be assessed. She hasn't asked me to do it again, thankfully.
Xena you talk about that story and it still makes you mad 2 years later. Same here, and this is ruminating .. very much so .. and I need to move on past it .. but I don't know that I ever will be able to.
A year or so ago, when the twins were expected, ... DD ... complicated pregnancy and ordered to rest .. and so me .. mostly picking up slack where I could with DD and her household .. and with her 3 yo at that time .. trying to do what I could on that front, to help in any way possible so DD could indeed rest, and stay off her feet.
It was about that time, or maybe before that I really really began to make some noise .. loudly that this is no longer working. MIL needs more support that any one person alone can provide .. and I'm about to have my world upended here with DD having twins .. and not only that they will be, at least at first, residing with us when they come home from the hospital .. temporarily .. but at least until then .. it's not gonna be good, my energies and so forth, are in that direction, not in running to meet need on the MIL front.
This particular aspect of it all, still, to this day makes my blood boil.
Of course, it wasn't to be, to do things any differently .. it was all about "Now I will manage here, I know what I must do and I will do it", .............. and her daughter .. of course same thing, .. "She'll manage".
So we rock on along, me doing the best I can to tamp down need at DD's and help her .. and fortunately .. SIL was here, .. at least til towards the end of what was a complicated pregnancy for DD .. .and then SIL left .. she had to return to IL for the royals who would be visiting their annual visit from Abu Dhabi. And prepare the home for such .. I guess, one has to do all sorts of cleaning and prep for royals ..
SIL left. In a few weeks after that twins arrived. Of course, I had the then 3 yo a lot in those days . while DD was in the hospital (other g'parents also stepped in for the 3 yo .. but not as much they work outside the home and so .. aren't as available as I am). Then it was time for the to land here, .. she and her husband .. her having had a c-section and recooping .. and their dog, and their 3 yo .. and the new twins.... at least for a little while. (whole other story there, as to why they didn't go to their own home, they were in the process of moving at that time, to a home they inherited .. rent free .. from the stepdad on DD's husband's side, who had died, small home .. but .. at no cost .. and their lease was up where they were living .. so yea .. bad .. really really bad timing for such . but a deal they couldn't refuse). So the move .. was in transition at that point in time, .. but no way they could land at the house they were to now occupy and set it all up and so forth. So they landed here, the whole lot of em.
The first thing .. that still p*sses me off royally to this day ... in those weeks they stayed here in our house .. MIL's A/C quit on her. So SIL from afar, running that up the flagpole on this end.
Here DH was .. trying to help with their move .. also working .. as was her husband .. and they'd work all day then come in, grab some dinner, and be gone, as to moving things from one household to the next .. night after night.
MIL's A/C conks out on her. We were made aware of this . and so DH was in contact with his mom .. and somewhere in all else he had on his plate . he'd also ran by there a couple of times to check the temp in her home .. (She could do so . she has a wall thermostat .. go read it) .. but he'd go by there, just to make sure her home wasn't dangerously hot .. this is FL, this is July .. at this time. He would read her thermostat and see it was about 80 to 82 in her home. Not real comfortable for most of us .. but she keeps it generally at about 78 anyway, so not much difference .. and she seemed to be doing okay with it ...
He sat up a couple of big fans for her ... and was checking with her in between all else on his plate to handle.
At that time, SIL had her royals in from the other side of the world, she also got wind of this issue and so began running that up the flagpole on this end, "just wonder if it's too hot in mother's house for her, .. should she come over there ..??....what to do???".
I assured her (and I don't know, maybe DH ignored her as he usually does) .. "DH is in touch with your mom on a routine basis and has been out there and checked her house .. it's reading about 80/82 .. and she seems to be doing okay with it, he's sat up a couple of big fans for her".
Somewhere in all of that, .. and I blew a gasket over this .. but got blasted . by DH for having done so. We get a phone call from MIL ........ seems SIL had been in touch with a neighbor out her way .. and ... had this neighbor somehow go secure some kinda wall unit a/c .. but neighbor ill equipped to know what to do with the damn thing.
Here is MIL on the phone, needing DH to come .. straight away .. and get this wall unit installed into one of her kitchen windows (that answers how her kitchen will be cooled, but not at all how her bedroom and the back of the house will be cooled).
So now DH was to drop what he was doing, and go out that way to install a wall unit A/C into her kitchen window. He blew his cork, "Mother why did she do that, i've been checking on you .. and you say it's alright there, .. did you ask her to do this?".
No, .. she didn't ask her daughter, so she said. Her daughter took it upon herself, .. such concern .. and had the neighbor go get a wall unit for her mom.
Oh I was livid. DH had enough on his plate ... and then some, at that point in time, and God Knows I did too, I would've liked to have had the dad of these babies around some .. and my husband also, for some help here, with what was a dog of theirs, a 3 yo .. two twins and a mommy recooping from c-section.
I blew my cork over it, but got back from an already angered DH .. "What am I gonna do Dorker, refuse to go put the damn thing in ... .Sister has gone to the trouble to have someone go get her an a/c unit .. now I'm the dumb ass over here that won't show up to go put it in for her .. I have to go!".
So out there he went .. and put this wall unit a/c into one of her kitchen windows and got it going.
Ahh but then, the phone calls began that it was leaking water onto her kitchen floor .. and she'd tried to bend over and clean it up .. but it just keeps leaking .. so out there again he goes, .. to now figure out what to do .. gets out there and I guess jury rigs it in some manner, to hopefully stop that .. but nope ... another phone call .. and out there again he goes, ... works at it to try to stop that leaking ..
(the a/c guy had been there, but her unit is old .. like over 20 years old and it is in bad need of being replaced, but that will run like $4k-$6K somewhere in that range, to replace it ... and her home is reverse mortgaged .. so anything that's gonna cost a substantial amount, when you figure the home goes back to the bank when she dies .. she doesn't wanna put that kinda $ in it. The a/c unit is old .. and so parts for it, not as easy to come by. The a/c guy had been there, dx'd the problem . but said it would be 3 or 4 days before the part would come in and he'd be back to fix it).
A couple of times out there to try to patch up whatever was causing this leak and it didn't stop it .. he finally went out there shut the damn thing off, and put it aside, closed her window .. and turned her fans back on and said 'that's gonna have to do til the guy comes to fix the a/c .. there's nothing else I know to do to fix this leak thing".
SIL should've left well enough alone .. DH had a finger on the pulse of the goings on there .. and it was relatively alright .. but no she had to go stick her finger in the pie and muddy the waters on it all. Oh I was livid!
So then, .. we rock along for another couple of weeks, .. DD and family now in their own home .. I was going over there daily .. or at least some of each day to help ..
When MIL was hospitalized .. or rather before she was hospitalized .. she was routinely calling DH .. "Where are you?", .. like he's sitting eating bon bons by the tv all day. No, he's working!!!!!!!! "Would you come, something isn't right, I just don't feel right .. something is wrong .. I just .. I can't think .. I can't .. my brain isn't working".
She'd gone out .. this was back when she was driving ... and somehow forgot what a key is for ........... knew that she had a key .. but what do you do with it .. how do you start the car .. how do I go anywhere in this car .. key in hand .. but what to do with it, where does it go .. what do I do.
She'd been talking to her daughter .. but .. before that .. the daughter trying and trying to reach her, her hearing the phone ring .. but not knowing what to do with a ringing phone .. recognized that it's a phone .. but what to do with it .. how do I make it stop ringing .. all that lost on her .. trying to answer the phone with the tv remote .. just all in all . all out confused.
Her summoning DH .. "something isn't right, my brain isnt' working".
He pulled off the job site 2 x's to go hold her hand and seemed when he'd get there to her, she'd be more lucid .. this lucidity it seems, came and went in those days. Finally I convinced him that next time he needs to call 911 .. and have them come ..
And he did do so. When he got there, EMS personnel on site .. and checking her, .. and wanting to take her, but no .. she more lucid now, she'll be fine . no ... she didn't want to go, refused to be transported.
Until next time this happened, DH did go .. and he took her to the hospital himself.
There they admitted her .. it turned out in the end to be a UTI. Her hospitalized, inpatient ..
Well that meant that someone has to go get precious poochy .. and take charge of his care .. that someone would have to be me it seemed. And this is precious poochy with a thimble size bladder, so he has to be let out every couple of hours .. and so can't be left alone for hours at the time.
Also, someone would have to go see about MIL in the hospital .. and navigate all the goings on .. and instructions and tests and so forth .. DH certainly unable to do it, he was working by GOD . and for CHRISSAKES DORKER ..... can't you just this one time ..
So off I go to the hospital and back and forth between the two .. dealing with precious poochy and the hospital ...
And DD now abandoned by my service to the MIL front.
SIL summoned that she's gonna need to get on back here .. and so that was in the works, but one doesn't just have a private yet at their beckon call .. and so one has to try to secure plane ticket, and a plane ticket to leave today is gonna be too costly .. and so she couldn't leave for a few days .. having to secure things on her end .. and then get a plane fare that was workable.
So I was on that front with the MIL issue, and abandoned DD and her setting .. to work the MIL front and bitter, resentful .. omg .. and understatement.
I HAD SAID THIS WAS THE VERY THING I WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO ATTEND TO, and yet here I was .. attending to it all. OMG I was furious.
When I did return to the DD front, it was a frantic phone call from her husband in the morning as they were preparing for him to go to work .. and leave for the day and she was in complete melt down .. and him .. her DH .. at a loss as to what to do, DD begging him not to go .. that she felt incapable .. that she can't do it .. she wants to run away .. she wants to just get in her car and go .. that she can't, just can't function .. (sleep deprivation, two babies tag teaming thru the night every night .. and during the day no chance to rest, .. as 3 yo needs your attention, and post partum depression maybe) .. her in complete melt down .. and tears .. and some realization on her part this isn't normal, something is bad wrong with me that I should want to just up and abandon my family .. something is bad wrong .. her feeling as though she doesn't love her kids .. and can't deal with them .. that she'd be better off gone.
Got this frantic phone call from her DD in the a.m. and so flew over there and it broke my heart to pieces to see DD in that shape .. that she was just so overcome she couldn't stop sobbing .. .so tired .. so bewildered ..
Encouraged her to phone her doc, which she did do .. and they had her come in and put her in a temporary anti depressant .. and from there for the next couple of weeks I was able to go daily .. and attend there, to help some .. which . between the anti depressant . and some help .. to show up for part of every day .. things stabilized.
But you talk about angry .. that was a year ago, and even still the whole thing makes my blood boil.
I don't think I will ever forgive any of them .. I had SAID IT AND SAID IT, my energies won't be focused there, on the MIL front. But by damn .. they were, weren't they, and to the detriment of a DD who badly needed me.
This was all about July or so .. and then of course, SIL did come and attend to her mom for a little, but then had to return to IL .. (her husband it seemed had suffered some kinda minor stroke up in IL, so she now had to return to attend to that). But by now things with DD had stabilized. I was going to help some .. but not the better part of every day .. more like .. maybe a few days a week at this point .. for a few hours .. and that was sufficing.
But then is it any wonder then .. August rolls around and some storms crop up .. and it begins to look like MIL will need to be evacuated (her neighborhood always orders evac during storms) .. and so is it any wonder that by then, the whole mantra of "She will manage, she'll be okay" was my order of the day.
Her brought here, .. to shelter from storm .. and it's been said by her, that she's never in her life been treated so rudely as when she sheltered here from the storms. I wasn't "rude" per se. Absent a lot, you bet .. I'd go find a shade tree and park my car under it, and turn on the a/c in my car (had no power here for days) .. and stay away from here a LOT. A LOT LOT. I was gone more than I was here. She manages, right? Fine . manage then. This approach vs what had been the case prior .. where MIL would shelter here, and her dog needs out, I'm up .. on it. Dog needs in, I'm up .. I'm' on it, dog needs to be fed, .. I'm up .. at it. She needs a sandwich .. I'm all over it, .. getting it done, she needs something to drink .. yep .. you got it, let me get it for you .. she needs something I'm all about it. This new approach this time, .. she manages .. that's what everyone wants to sell me, .. okay folks, you got it .. let her manage.
Behind that .. it's been said shes' never in her life been treated so rudely.
That was what .. I guess .. some might consider being "rude". I was aloof .. yes .. but ot rude.
She was more than displeased with me, when I'd been tipped off by DH on the cell phone as I sat under a shade tree somewhere ... that she was packed and ready to go home .. and he'd had a bit of a scuffle with her over that.. her neighborhood also without power via neighbors .. who kept us informed. So no ..she can't go home. But packed and ready she was and she was going home now. DH .. approached by her on that topic, refused to take her home .. saying to her, that her house has no power, at least here .. we have a generator .. and we can fix her something to eat .. and look after her .. nope .. not taking you home. So I was tipped off by DH who said when I get home she may ask me to do that, take her home.
And she did .. and I refused. I walked right past her as I came in the door, her wobbling there on her walker in my living room, "Well I'm ready to go home, I'm all packed and ready" (like I hadn't heard this already from DH) .. I walked right past her, "I think DH told you that's not happening", .. and I didn't answer any more to it. She said in response, "I don't care what DH says .. I'm ready to go home .. I'm all packed and ready I just need you to take me home". I said, as I passed by again, not even stopping to coddle her and her poor feelings ... "talk it over w/DH .. he said no .. not doing it".
I wasn't even gonna argue with her, about the finite points of no power at her house .. and nothing to eat there, no way to cook it, .. no generator to power anything at all . not gonna argue .. just matter of fact .. "nope . DH said no, talk it over with him, he's your son".
Behind that there was a bunch of hooey from her about "I feel like a prisoner ...".
"You feel like a prisoner, why?".
"Because I'm not FREE TO GO HOME .. that's what a prisoner is .. somebody that can't go home, it's like I'm a prisoner here".
"Sorry you feel that way", and off I'd go in my car again.
DH is never here in these things .. oh he's here on the premises somewhere generally .. mostly .. but he's outside doing something or in his office, .. or whatever, not right under your nose . and here to answer to such b'shit.
All the while we've got SIL in our damned ears about go out there and clear out her freezer and her fridge of perishables .. she will eat the stuff that's sat there in a fridge with no power . make sure you do that before you take her home .. she needs to have all that gone .. it needs to all be outta there ..
Just the whole thing .. but mostly the part about having abandoned DD .. in her hour of need and the results of that .. which were heartbreaking. I will never forgive any of them. YOUR MOTHER AND HER DOG ................ NOT MINE.