I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
"Sweetheart, this isn't my problem."
And don't add to that! Leave it with her!
SIL worries about her mother. Uselessly, quite often, counterproductively, quite often; and God knows she doesn't half spread it around. But there it is: the root is, she worries about her mother. Well, that's okay. Don't we all? Only, if she wants solutions and services she's gonna have to ask someone else. With your blessing.
DH avoids his mother until he can't, and then he gets annoyed about it. Well! - that's up to him. Say yes, say no; but don't feel guilty and don't complain. With the AC unit, there was actually nothing to stop him saying "that was stupid, wasn't it? - buying the unit without the fitting service. Who did you think would fit it? Not me, love." But he chose not to: ungraciously, but he did choose. He has to take responsibility for what he chooses just the same as anybody else.
I have to say, mind. SIL and MIL's fondness for the false economy is quite something. They don't learn, do they?
And you do plenty for an old lady and auld lang syne. You have nothing to apologise for. If MIL goes splat on her face you'll call 911, or take her grapes in hospital, whatever. But if it happens we'll all know *why* it's happened and nobody will have any business being surprised. Saying "told you so" will be tempting, but do try not to.
It really is all one giant, marathon exercise in serenity, you know.
Main reason we took mother's keys away. She'd hit every single corner of her car. Scraped up both sides. Oblivious to where she was going. She is so bent over, she was seeing the road between the steering wheel and the dashboard. Horrifying.
Yes, it stinks to have your freedom taken away.
MY VERY wise grandmother quit driving when she turned 70. Felt she wasn't as cautious as she's once been. Sold the car, rented out her condo parking space and took cabs or the bus all over the place. Nothing slowed her down. She "worked" as an actress at the University Med center, playing the role of a sick geriatric patient and then acting out her designated disease to young drs who were leaning bedside manner and how to dx people who aren't particularly easy to work with. She LOVED that once they "assigned her" VD. This was a huge joke for her. Point is, she lived 30 miles from the hospital and she took 3 buses to get there. She was around 85 when she was doing this.
She just showed me that independence is a state of mind as much as of body. If she wanted to go somewhere, she'd facilitate it. NEVER bugged us about it.
Your MIL is just such a PITA. And you, sweet lady, continue to show and speak of your love for her. I applaud you for that. You do not begin to get the credit for your years of loving care, and never will, so take it from strangers--you are amazing. Still caring, still in the mix when we all know you want out.
I'm sure everyone will consider me irresponsible for what I did when my mother stopped driving. She wanted to stop by age 90, but I didn't say anything when she turned 90. She finally insisted she couldn't drive anymore three months or so later. She would have gladly quite before turning 90.
I didn't want to become her driver, and I was forced into it. That is why I didn't insist on her stopping sooner. One of my brothers didn't like her driving, one thought she was okay doing it, and one didn't have an opinion either way (Sonny No-Show).
She only drove in daytime hours on a certain route not far from her condo, and never on the highways. Her biggest problem was actually in parking lots, because she couldn't back up and always had to have pull-through spaces. I was with her one time in a parking lot, and she had to circle the lot a few times to park, even though there were hardly any cars in the lot. I know that perhaps I was rolling the dice every time she drove, but she didn't have an accident in that time period, so it worked out.
I told her I didn't want her car, and to sell it and use the money for taxis. But I was totally ignored, and pretty much forced to take her car and in exchange for becoming her driver. She was none too happy when I put strict boundaries on when I'd take her places!
My mother is way too superior to ever use the public transit for people with disabilities, and way too cheap to use a taxi and incapable of using UBER/Lyft. She forced me to be her driver, and I've become the Dummy Daughter Driver. I am stupid, she tells me (like most everyone else is stupid according to her). So that's what I tell people when they expect me to become involved in some interaction between them and my mother. "I'm just the driver!"
I am still, even being away from it all ... still so angry at SIL for the fact that she just arbitrarily decides what she'll do .. ."It will be *at least* 3 to 4 weeks before I can come there". We've talked that MIL needs to be outta here by August, ad nauseum. Hurricane season starts June 1, .. but ... graciously ... I have said the historical data .. it appears that things don't really get perilous (if they do) until about August/September. So, certainly no later than August, she needs to be shuttled on out of harm's way. That's been the ticker tape that ran with this whole thing ...
And then she just arbitrarily throws out there, "it will be *at least* 3 to 4 weeks until I can come and retrieve mother". 3 to 4 weeks, .. if there is to be any retrieval .. EVER ......... would put it about mid-August.
I am so fed up with it all, .. I was *ruminating* (and how do you not), that even this whole scenario came up.
SIL when she was here with her royalty son .. had taken her mom to the dentist, that's where it was found there's some issue and can you take her Dorker, after I'm gone, on your Thursday ... "yes, no problem" ... oh but then .. oh wait .. that skin thing .. she also has a dermo appt that day to have that skin thing looked at, do you think she could manage two appts in one day.
Now pay close attention to the answer I gave when she sought my opinion on the above.
Me: "No, absolutely not . it's all she can do to get dressed and ready for ONE appointment, no way she can do two in one day .. I'd triage what's most important .. and maybe schedule that skin issue for another day .. in fact, .. why don't we put that off until you get her up to IL .. that issue .. we don't know what kind of aftercare might be involved, and she really needs to be outta here by August .. we're bumping awful close to August, I wouldn't want that, and any aftercare to stave off any exit from here"
So she did that, she cancelled the skin issue in lieu of the dental appt.
Never heard anymore on the skin issue, and it's been my assumption that maybe that will be seen to in IL when she makes her way there, as I had mentioned, since I haven't heard anymore about it.
Well .. I'm telling you, as someone else posted, the beauty of my now knowing the players in all this .. and how they operate and I can act on it ...
I can tell you probably next will be, when I get to MIL's today she will tell me that SIL isn't coming for at least a month ... and so she called and got that skin issue put back on the docket .. and so next Thursday .. we'll go do that.
I'm going to cancel it, and say to MIL . ."No, I told your daughter, that she needs to get that addressed when she gets you to IL .. we don't know what kinda aftercare might be involved, and so we don't want to have that stave off your ability to exit for IL, .. told her that, so no, we're going to call and cancel that appt right now ... she can see about that when she gets you up to IL with her".
SIL can kiss my arse ................. directing me around ..........
Yes, she has some skin lesion of some sort that has cropped up on the skin behind her ear, .. doesn't look ominous to me .. but I'm not a doctor, so I don't know. Looks kinda like the beginning of a wart .. but what do I know. Nope .... I said it before, .. and I'm not in the business of having to repeat myself, ".... in fact, probably be best you deal with that once you get her to IL .. since we don't know the aftercare that might be involved" (that's when I thought . here we are bumping up close to August's beginning .. and her supposedly exiting for IL ................. little did I know .. no we'd see her here .. at least til mid-August .. if she ever leaves at all).
Nope. I get out there today and find that SIL has put that back on the radar for one of my Thursdays, I'm cancelling it.
And let her have something to say about it ...
It will be ON!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm not looking to pick a fight with anybody in it all, but ............ there's this.
We're all going to now do just what we "want to do" .. that's the approach apparently, two can play at that game. Got it, duly noted.
I don't "want to" go see about a skin issue .. I told you before that needs to be seen when you get her to IL .. in case there's any aftercare behind it all.
I can hear it now, (since she spins like a top and wrings her hands and gnashes her teeth) .. "Well I mean we noticed this what a month ago, but haven't been able to get it looked at, I just worry .. what if it's some kinda skin cancer or something".
The answer is gonna be: "If you're worried, I suggest you get on down here and retrieve her .. and get her back to IL where that can be looked at. To my knowledge that was supposed to have occcured around August 1 .... I hear now, that's not gonna be the case .. so be it .. but still .. I stand firm, that needs to be addressed once she's in IL .. ".
She doesn't want it handled that way .. she wants to have it looked at poste haste .. then find somebody else to get her there, not doing it.
I am just done taking orders from SIL .. while she sits up there to dog frickin sit .. for her prima donna daughter. DONE. This happened last year about this time .. her daughter wanting so to take a vacation with her bigwig NBA b'friend . that they can only see each other on weekends, they want to go on "vacation" together .. can SIL stay there and watch 3 dogs for her, so she and b'friend can take an actual "vacation together".
We're all gonna do what we want. Got it. I'll do the same. I don't want to have that addressed on this end, .. fear it might involve some aftercare .. and have her stuck here longer than what we've said all along needs to be the case.
It was very interesting to me, and noted .. talking to my other sister in law (brother's wife) last night on the phone, her inquiring how that front is going with MIL. This sister in law, .. she took care of her mother .. in her home, at mother's age of 94 .. the last few months of her life .. and she will readily tell you she was in over her head and should have never agreed to do that. The mother had lived alone on her own .. forever .. .but got into failing health and this sister in law took in her mother into her home, to care for her, .. turned out she only lived another few months ..
But what was striking to me, in talking to her was the empathy and caring she displayed when she talked of how difficult it must've been for her mother .. in her waning months .. just heartbreaking .. to no longer be able to do for yourself .. and how frustrating she knows that had to be for her mom .. .and it just broke her heart for her mother. She talked of .. the last few months before she took her mother into her home to assist her .. that she'd go over to visit her mom and find the dishes in the dish drainer that the mother had washed, .. still soiled, ..her mother incapable of really thoroughly washing her dishes clean .. and not even really aware they weren't clean. That she'd just do them again for her mother, .. and her mother inquiring, "why are you washing those dishes, I already did them?". That she'd just change the subject, .. not wanting to point out her mother's foibles.
She was talking from a place of far more compassion for her mother and the failing months there, until she finally passed and how incapable her mother became .. but trying to help her, .. for instance, she needs to go to the store to get a new bathing suit (until almost the end, the mother would get in her golf cart and ride over to the pool daily for her exercise), .. that she'd go get her mom, on her walker, .. and off they'd go. Go find another bathing suit, and how her mother would always, . if she had to take her for more of whatever it was, .. her mother would always insist that she gets something too, this sister in law, .. as she put it, "Hell I didn't need anything .. and if I do .. I'd buy it myself, .. but it was her way of *paying/compensating me* for my taking her to go get whatever it is she needed". She just .. it was very striking to me, the compassion in her demeanor as she talked of it all, compassion I don't have.
As I told her, "But L .. you know .. let me tell you there are some stark differences here ... first off .. there were 3 of you .. you and two sisters to look after her needs, and you guys divied those up .. in some pretty defined ways .. there wasn't one person doing it all at the direction of the other who isn't on site .. and .. your mom was always good at taking her meds, religiously .. your mom was also real good at .. if no one had gotten there with covered dishes for her .. she wasn't opposed to calling Olive Garden for delivery or Steakhouse or whatever .. and eat off it for a few days .. she wasn't opposed to helping herself .. .and you talk about taking her shopping when she needs something .. that ship has sailed here .. she is too feeble to get out and do and go anywhere for the most part, stays in PJ's every day .. all day ... and you guys have two brothers that live fairly close by some home repairs .. that was seen to .. maybe every few months when all would converge on your mom's house for a work weekend, her organized in having made lists of what was needed to be seen to. Lots of differences in how things are done on this end. There's only DH on this end, there isn't DH and another brother that comes every few months, it's only him. There isn't any ability on her end to make a list .. and have it at the handy so that when DH comes there .. he can see to the 14 things that need seeing to .. no .. it's all catch as catch can on this end .. she doesn't take her meds as she should, in fact right now .. I hear that her feet are swollen atrociously because she isn't taking her Lasix ........ something that routinely goes on here.
It was just really telling to me .. talking to her, .. she also in the capacity at one point of looking after her aging/frail mother .. even housing her in the end. And her with a whole lot more compassion and empathy for it all, .. sees things from a way different prism than I do.
I don't apologize for how I feel about it all, .. I've been seasoned to feel the way I do. And it's not my mother .. and on this end, there are no clearly delineated roles as was the case in her situation .. as to who does what/when/where/how.
So yes, I will go today and haul MIL to get her knee injections .. and whatever else mission creeps into the day. And I will talk to her about what's on tap for next Thursday and there better not be a derma appt .. to see about that skin issue on the radar for me to see about at all, it will be cancelled by me.
(((as a side note, just for good measure - if I really wanted to be ugly - I would call the DMV and get that all set up, let's cancel that doc appt. let's go and see if you can actually drive, if they say you can .. then you're good to go .. you can drive yourself to all that you need to do. If I wasn't so worried, that she'd somehow pass the test, don't think that would happen, but why set yourself up for a *well damn didn't think it would go like that*)))) Wouldn't that frost the buns of all involved. Dorker took her and they say she can drive, OMG .. what was Dorker thinking?!?!?!?
The skin appointment may or may not have been made. Why are you worrying about it? You're not taking her anyway, because this item is firmly on the IL agenda. End of.
There is no need to contact the DVM. MIL shows any actual sign of driving, that will be time enough for DH to do something about it, not you. This is not your problem.
You are now ruminating about things that may never come to pass. Master the art of masterly inactivity - acting as a block on stupid ideas by sitting on your hands and doing nothing.
And Dorker, you're seething with the lot of them, and that's bad for you and poisons your relationship with them. You need to tell SIL how you're feeling, you know.
"I am sick and tired of worrying about your mother while you two do nothing but fanny about and whine." Might be a start, for example.
And I'm really not sure that cancelling the derm appointment is going to force their hand in getting MIL up to IL any sooner. And I'm quite sure that SIL could get another derm in IL to do the aftercare if MIL had to have some procedure done in FL. She seems to have a way to get MIL into all sorts of specialists with appointments, doesn't she?
I had scheduled it for her, on a "thursday", .. and that was to be the day that I took her. SIL instructed we may not be there, when you guys get to MIL's house .. just let yourselves in .. we'll be back from the doc when we get there.
MIL cancelled that set appointment.
Reason. She said the following: "I have cancelled that appointment .. Daughter and her family are flying in .. and I don't want to have to deal with any wound care if that's part of all this .. not while they'll all be coming and going".
Fine.
She couldn't schedule it for the following Thursday as I'd already told her that would be the day I have all 3 gkids .. and DD's surprise bday party on tap.
So she rescheduled it for the next Thursday ...
By then, SIL was here in town and had taken her to her eye doc appt (one that had to be rescheduled from way back when - no suitable way to get there), as well as to this dental appt .. .where they found some issue that they'd need to see her to fix, another appointment.
That's when SIL texted me, .. "Oh dear, seems like the dentist is going to have to work on this tooth for her, but it'll have to be next Thursday .. I'll be gone by then, .. do you think you'd be able to get her there".
My answer: "sure, no problem"
Next was from SIL: "Oh no .. that's also the day she has to go to the dermatologist. For that skin lesion or whatever it is .. do you think she could handle two appointments in one day?".
And my answer, cited before. No. See to it in IL.
MIL with her arthritic and sometimes trembling hands ... she stands about 0 chance of taking care of much of any "wound".
The thing is, I have no idea what this thing is .. and they may say "oh we have to biopsy it, .. come back after the results .. maybe". And the appointment will be strictly that. I dunno.
Or .. it could be, "oh this is simply a __________________ let's go ahead and take that off right now .. we'll get that dealt with".
Her sent home with whatever it is .. as to any kind of wound left at the site .. and then instructions to doctor it, and change the bandage, etc.
She stands a poor chance, really, of changing bandages and cleaning a wound of any sort that she can clearly see, (on her leg for instance) .. this one is behind her ear on the skin there. She can't see it.
Her arthritic hands, that sometimes suffer from tremors ... (unknown as to why) .. she wouldn't stand a chance in hell of being able to care for it.
About the only thing she could stand to care for, would be .. for instance, if it was nothing more than a skin tag, snip .. little round miniscule bandaid applied and instructions that can be removed later today. No need for further care.
But this isn't a skin tag .. I do know that much.
So .................
If SIL is never gonna come retrieve her mom .. so be it. We'll have to deal with whatever this is .. that has erupted on her skin .. and after care, if any.
If SIL IS going to come get her mom and imminently within 3 to 4 weeks .. then .. since this doesn't look very threatening really ........ (I've had Melanoma I know what that looks like) .. this isn't Melanoma .. and outside of that, I don't know of much else in the way of any skin something or other that has popped up outta nowhere, that would be threatening as in .. OH MY LET'S GET AFTER THIS RIGHT THIS MINUTE.
So yea, .. I'm gonna play this stupid game they all play.
SIL with her, .. arbitrarily deciding what works for her in her world ...DH with his .. I only go when there is a house fixit issue . and/or some accute issue with health .. other than that, I'm a firm sideline sitter.
I can play that game myself.
I said it before .. "yea that should be looked at once you get her to IL with you".
I meant it.
I mean, blimey. Does anyone produce a calendar with step-by-step instructions on how not to double-book yourself? It'd make a great Christmas gift for her.*
Meanwhile it might cheer you up to remember House M.D.'s take on dermatology: "if it's wet keep it dry, if it's dry keep it wet, if it shouldn't be there cut it off. I could never master all that..."
*Actually, I know of one. It's called a DodoPad and they make excellent family organisers.
Today's visit, all-in-all, uneventful, sans the stepnfetch involved. But hey, that's what I agreed to .. 1 day, Thursdays.
Doc visit for knee injections, and yes I did have them listen to her chest, as well as poke around a bit .. as to what's this mysterious back/rib pain .. and explained it's been a result of the fall she took in December. The recommendation, they will write an order for an MRI if she'd like, could be perhaps some soft tissue/ligament issue, not sure. MIL declined, "for now" as she put it. Fine, didn't push it.
Then off to lunch out, which she seemed to enjoy thoroughly. Two lunches out i one week, .. a feat for her.
Then, to the grocery to pick up a few things, then to the vet to pick up poochy vegetarian snacks.
Then back to her house, to put away the few things from the grocery and put batteries into her BP machine .. and go outside and sweep off the deck, and dead-head some flowers and empty them of rainwater .. and wash out her outside trash can.
Done and gone.
No mention at all of any skin lesion and what must we do. Nor did I mention it. As well as her having declined an MRI for the back/rib issue. So be it.
Interesting she mentioned as the MRI was offered, .. "not now", and then later said, "it's just so hard to get to where I need to go". I never offered, "Well I come on Thursdays". If she doesn't know that on her own .. without prompt .. so be it. If she doesn't deem it important enough, this painful rib/back issue that she'll see to getting it looked after however she can get there, whenever, so be it.
And also interestingly enough. I purposely did not arrive today my usual 1 1/2 or so hours ahead of time to keep her on target. Appt was at 10:15 (it's way on the other side of town from where she lives, a good 30 mins away, if traffic is zipping along, if not, longer than 30 mins). Told her I'd be there at 9:30 .. and I arrived right about 9:30.
Know what time we walked out the door, ... ??? .. for what would take us 30 mins to get there, ..
10:05 AM.
Yes we were late. She's lucky they didn't refuse to see her. We arrived there at about 10:40.
Why wasn't she ready at the 9:30 hour? Because she hadn't yet eaten .. so she had to do that. She hadn't let her dog out, I did that for her .. she hadn't yet gone to the bathroom one last time .. she hadn't yet told me the latest about thus and so .. which she has to stop everything to do, . not one that can walk/talk at the same time anymore.
I think I'll start lying to her. If her appt is for 10 AM .. I'll tell her it's a 9 AM appt.
Maybe .. just maybe then we'll be on time....or closer to it.
But yes, mission creep. I got there at 9:30 .. got home about 3:30 from it all.
Used to, I'd go there 1 1/2 hours or so early to keep her on task .. so that would've had me there at 8:00 AM. Nope.
Unfortunately I've become so jaded that I don't see it as the possible "nice gesture" it was intended to be, in compensation for her help with MIL. I see it, . .as bait to string along, yet another person who can step n fetch ... in chief, .. for SIL .. to send directives to.
YD is an adult and has been told repeatedly she can say no. If she chooses to take the bait .. (the way I see it) .. that's certainly her choice, for certain. But nonetheless, it does make my blood boil .. that SIL would choose to sit up in IL and dog-sit rather than retrieve her mom as has been talked about ad nauseum.
And, ...
I hadn't heard anything from SIL, her so buried in the visit by the royal family .. other than the debacle on the dental thing ..
The royals now gone ....
She texted me last night. Just conversational stuff .. about how tired she is, misses her g'kids but that they are both (she and her DH) pretty exhausted. That set to get her colonoscopy this week upcoming .. and will be glad to be past that .. inquiring on the situation with my brother and the injured kid and how that scene is going .. and then saying she'd be sitting for her daughter's dogs while her daughter trains for a new job.
I answered it, .. should've just ignored it. But I answered, the truth .. (bought me some time) .. that I'm working on some online continuing education and can't talk right now.
But haven't bothered to answer her any further since I put away the online course I'm doing .. and won't be answering her. Just ignoring it.
I'm still so fed up and angry with her .. with she and DH both .. that neither will "engage" and do what they should. She .. choosing to dog sit .. DH choosing to ignore it all .. side line sitting.
But mostly with her .. she's known all along what it is that should be occuring.
I have no desire to even be conversational with her, on the anything. From the price of peanuts to the color of tulips............. don't care to even speak to her.
So .. ignoring.
Just fed up, even still.
Yes, I know green chairs and all. But I have to figure out how to be that same green chair.
You're feeling jaundiced about everything, no?
SIL could have meant the gift card to say "thank you," of course.
And you could tell SIL how you're tired and wrung out, too, and why.
But most of all, the dog-sitting thing. You feel furious that this is an obstacle to moving MIL to IL. But it isn't, you know. The obstacle to MIL's moving is MIL. And just as the dog-sitting is SIL's pretend reason, it's equally your acceptable focus of resentment. When the real root of your resentment is a) the excessive amount of your time and effort already expended on someone else's mother (note, I do mean *excessive*. I don't mean the reasonable, friendly support you were perfectly happy to give her over the years), because who likes to be mistaken for a doormat?; and b) that you are still burdened with feeling responsible for MIL, even though you cannot take responsibility or, indeed, make any positive changes.
You are sore about it. I'm not surprised, and I don't blame you. You've only just removed yourself from under all this and it's still difficult for you to look on it with detachment.
I just wonder if a little plain speaking might make you feel better. There is such a thing as a critical friend, and being honest with SIL doesn't have to mean ripping her head off.
Grrr, she needs to Wake Up, and pull herself together and come Pick Up her Mother for a few months, just to give you a break from all of THIS, as even when you aren't actually there caring for MIL, you are non-stop thinking about and worrying about her! Its just not healthy for you!
It must be so hard, and so frustrating for you, to .Never be able to turn your mind off, while she's allowed to "rest up", and take care of her own needs, when you cannot even make simple plans, without worrying whether or not MIL is going to have a Fall, or if she's going into Heart Failure, from not taking her Water Pills! You Need a Break from it all, a Real 2-3 months break, away from all this Thinking!
It's Time, time for You to come Clean with SIL that you Are Seriously Burnt Out, not so much from the actual Doing (let's face it, your constant worrying, stepping and fetching has been going on for Years), but from the Constant Worrying and Concern for her, as there is Never an hour that goes by, that you aren't thinking about her and her Welfare! It's just Not Fair!
And the "gift card", let's face it, was a kind gesture, but how many gift cards have You Received in the past Year? It must have felt like a slap in the face, or yes, a feeling like SIL is just reeling your daughter in for more errands for her Grandmother, where Dd probably is Happy to do these types of things for her of her own accord, but just doesn't want to get roped in, as she has seen You have been in the past! It's all about those boundries, and SIL has None where it comes to asking, Anyone! Uggg!
I'd come right out and ask her, "just When Are You planning to come and take your Mom back to your home, as I need a flipping break here, from the Constant Worry about Your Mom!
Uggg, I can't take it!
Hugs to you Dorker, I saw my own Mom go through this with the care of my Grandmother in our home. My Nana came to live with us from Wales UK, when I was a kid, about 15, with NO relief or ever a potential for relief, Ever! It was exhausting for her! It was just what our family did, well it was even what We did, with my FIL living here with Us those 13 years. Whatever you do, do not give up that yellow room!
The young man has the best attitude, as does his family. I don't know how. How do you face life at 17 years old with skin grafts .. months and months or that, .. and PT .. and prosthetics .. for legs .. and have such a positive attitude? How? But somehow he does .. he is convinced he will "Walk" out of the hospital. His family, the same. And yes, my brother and his wife are friends of this family have been since before this kid was even born.
My brother and his wife are still heartbroken .. and just trying to keep their heads up .. as this is weathered. They're doing the best they can daily to just go about their lives.
They finally, this past weekend, went to visit some friends that live in a beautiful setting on the water and have an infinity pool .. and they spent the afternoon there, escaping all the worry .. if only for a little bit. It was just a change of scenery for them. Their sentiment one of, "how can we go and enjoy anything, there is a kid laying in the trauma unit .. and we have no right to "enjoy" anything". But they did go, for an afternoon and I think it helped their psyche a bit.
They do go and visit the young man a couple of times a week . and he's always so glad to see them. The young man is convinced my brother saved his life! He probably did.
But such a life altering tragedy, all of it.
But first .. no .. YD is not always "happy" to oblige the situation. I think she does so out of obligation .. at times. She is certainly not always gleefully marching off to the next need. She sometimes balks. I have told her every way I know how, .. that she is free to say no, anytime she'd like, not her problem. She did do so the other day, and good for her.
And yes, I do very much see the gift card as bait to string along YD .. not as the "gift" it may have been intended to be. And no, I never once was given a gift card, not would I have wanted one.
But Stacyb, hit the nail on the head. It's the anxiety of it all, that other posts here talk about. The always living on the edge of the next "need".
No, it isn't mine to see about, .. not at all. But .. it is mine to deal with if I .. per se .. make plans for us to do something (which we rarely do, we are truly homebodies) .. all knowing .. the other shoe could drop there, and DH maybe have to run in that direction and depending on the severity of the situation (say a hospitalization) then poochy has to be picked up and attended to here .. in my home, by me.
It's that living on the edge constantly of what next. That's it. It's not that I spend every day laboring over there, in care of MIL .. not anymore. It's the anxiety of "what if". Living that every day ..
I was reflecting back on last year this time .. or a almost about this time .. when DD and babies came here from the hospital when they were born, and MIL's a/c went out .. and that whole train wreck.
DH had offered MIL and poochy come here, as respite from a home with no a/c.
I opened an aorta over that.
I had a mom here recooping from c-section, their unruly family dog, .. their newborn twins .. and their .. at that time 3 yo. I need a feeble old lady here with her aged needy poochy like a hole in my damn head.
I remember some here, had said .. go online, find her a suitable hotel .. and book a room for her.
Thinking on that specific point. I explained at that time, .. this is yet one more reason why she doesn't have any biz living alone. The above situation .. she is no more equipped to be in a hotel room on her own .. with no assistance, than the man on the moon. She wouldn't, at all, be able to get out to take poochy out, nor get out and about to get something to eat. THAT COMPROMISED.
But yet .. she is allowed the latitude to continue living alone.
That little story was about this time last year. She has certainly not had any miraculous recovery since that time, and running marathons now.
But at home she stays. And SIL stays in IL to dog sit.
Bitter, yes! You bet I am. Very.
I realize, that is ruminating .. on something that long since occurred and is over with and won't happen again, no matter what. DD is not going to show up here to stay with newborn babies .. and so even if MIL's a/c went out again today .. it wouldn't be the same nightmare in that I don't have DD staying here recooping and so forth.
But .. just .. even thinking about the whole thing .. just .. this is a person they deem okay to live alone.
I'm telling ya here folks .. if I were to go get her a hotel room . .right this minute for whatever reason .. and one that is pet friendly and ADA compliant .. she STILL would be at a loss to manage. That's the God's honest truth! She would in no way be able to get out and walk her dog, and then bend over and pick up his excrement .. nor would she be able to get .. even across the way there to a Burger King in the same parking lot, to be able to eat.
It's that bad, and I'm not exaggerating.
But by GOD there are some dogs that are being looked after with a vigilance like none other.
I think this is what got me in this mess to begin with. I don't know how to be not responsive .. thus the uber responsible "yes" person that I am.. always there, .. always at the ready through the years.
Now I'm on this train of, ignoring and obfuscating, ducking and dodging and it doesn't feel natural to me. Feels like this approach is causing more anxiety than the other approach, responding. Maybe I'm just loosing my mind here.
SIL sent her texts the other day ... just conversational stuff .. really ... where she just out of the blue reports in to thank me for taking MIL for knee injections, .. then mentions the lunch out that MIL and I did .. .and how much MIL seemingly enjoyed that, goes on to tell me she is watching M's dogs for her, for her to go to training for her new job .. and that one of the three dog's health is really poor.
I staved off any communication at all on the above, by responding (the truth) that I was doing some timed online education thing .. and couldn't talk.
I never did respond to any of the above.
Then yesterday .. a whopping 8 pages more of texts. Some of it conversational .. just reporting that she's been having some workers in her home, to change door knobs to levers rather than handles, in anticipation of taking MIL in there, as well as the bathroom faucets to levers rather than handles .. and having some grab bars installed.
Good news, right? One might think so, .. at least there's some demonstrative action ongoing in the lead up to bringing her mom there to stay.
But she goes on to say that it looks like there are some foundation issues in her basement .. gonna have to have a lot of work done there .. and she hopes it's not too disruptive to her mom to have the workers there coming and going and banging and framing about. (((To me, a possible crack of the door, she hopes to find there, in a response from me, of .. what she'd like to hear, .. something akin to *oh dear, .. well yes, that might be a problem, don't you worry about it, just leave MIL be . leave her here, not to worry* .. of couse that isn't forthcoming from this peanut gallery here)))).
Goes on from there to report that MIL's brother in law . the one who was moved to TN .. to live with his daughter about a year ago or so .. (he is the same age as MIL) .. moved from FL to TN .. to live with his daughter .. as it was thought, he is aging and has no one to look after him any longer .. she goes into reporting that she'd been talking to her cousin .. the daughter that took him in, and a decision has been made that the father will now take up residency in an AL near her, in TN .. that it just hasn't been good housing him .. it just didn't work, too many tensions (something I'm aware of, and have been, as to how that's been working) .. and goes on from there to report that she worries too, how it will work out bringing her mom there, and possible tensions that may result. And from there, .. she goes into .. saying she hates to have to uproot her mom but supposes there's no other way. (((again, I see in that, .. a possible shoving on her part, to crack the door open to .. "well you poor dear .. I mean .. you've just seen that your cousin has endured that, of course you're worried .. tell ya what, let's just leave MIL be .. and not worry about that,. just leave her be . that's what she wants anyway in the end, let's not subject her to that, or you", which of course, she'll not hear from me)))).
She hasn't heard anything from me, at all on all the above. It was ignored by me, and not responded to at all, not even an excuse that was a lie or the truth or otherwise .. I just ignored it all.
But that doesn't feel good. It hasn't brought me any peace .. to just ignore it. In fact, it has mostly angered me. I want to just lash out and say things that let her know in
I want to just lash out . and tell her about herself .. and if I thought it'd make one hill of a difference, I think I'd do it. But it won't. She'd have more of her excuses and b'squeeze that constantly goes on.
One can choose a few options. Just ignore it all, which of course, brings about the concern .. and malaise of the knowing that isn't good either .. she will eventually wonder have I dropped off the face of the planet .. and try to call here, on the phone, which I can also ignore .. but bring about the wondering on her end, was I abducted by aliens and taken from our existence. In which case, she'll eventually reach out to her brother (the master at ignoring her texts) to ask what in the world has become of Dorker, that she tries to reach me, and can't ever get me. He, in turn will likely come to me, .. "my sister says she's been trying to get you .. and she can't reach you", to which I'd respond, "I'm aware .. not interested in much she has to say .. but she's your sister love .. enjoy talking with her all you want, I won't be". Which will bring about a whole bunch of drama I don't want or need. Him then wanting to know, "what'd she do ..??...why are you being so ridiculous . she's just up there living her life .. that's all .. you're being ridiculous, just talk to her". To which I'd likely respond, "no dear, I saw that it seemingly works for you, . to ignore her routinely . figured I'd jump on board to .. not gonna be doing that"
Just all the stupid drama that ignoring her, will likely result .. in short order.
Or .. one can respond, with a simple, "well that all sounds lovely, gotta run" (not all of what she said is *lovely* .. have I taken leave of my senses here, that I respond not in kind to what all was said ..
One can respond with the truth, and blast her into the next hemisphere, that I don't give a crap about her basement and its foundation issues that she's been supposed to retrieve her mom for over a year now .. and I'm done with her b'chit excuses .. and I don't want to hear another thing from her, until the words utter out of her mouth, "ok our departure date is such and such", .. outside of that, go fly a kite or jump in the nearest lake, I don't care ..
Want to respond with the latter .. but that will certainly bring about .. the whole .. scape goat in all this is that mean Dorker .. that cruel heartless Dorker that she would so push this agenda that nobody cares about but her, .. I mean in the end, mother is fine there .. .it's her that's pushing this agenda .. she's so mean and cruel and heartless .. look at poor poor mother now, having to uproot because of mean heartless cruel dorker ..
So .. I just need to hear from some of you fine folks that have advised me .. the only way to win is not to play .. and how to handle SIL.
This latest volley of texts from her, .. to me, the perception is . the opening .. her shoving against a slammed shut door.. to crack it open to see if she can shed the light on any possibility that ole Dorker here has softened her tone on it all, and will crack the door open to the possibility of status quo being alright .. and this whole move/transport of MIL .. we can just shelve that .. and life as we all want it (at least for SIL) smooths along nicely. That's how I see it, .. this "conversational" text of pages and pages.
In the end, .. and I very much realize it .. it doesn't matter whether I slam a door shut on anything, or blow it wide open .. they are all going to do what they damn well please .. all of them. Very aware of that. My shoving that door back and not letting even a glimmer of light pass through .. doesn't do a whit as to changing anything, and I'm aware of that.
I guess what I'm saying is that I'm just done with her, .. done with even talking to her, . it's always about her worries on her end, as to her mother's welfare on this end, and gnashing of teeth. So what to do?
Can you empathize at all with SIL who is a terribly anxious worrywort with no spine and a very stubborn mom?
Can you say (re foundation work), well, yes, it will be noisy, but I'm sure mom will cope. In fact, I'm sure she could even cope being there with the dogs!"
And re AL, "well yes, maybe your mom would be happy in an AL down here in Florida. Have you talked to her about that?"
It doesn't have to be all or nothing, black or white. Try to respond, not react.
"well yes, maybe your mom would be happy in an AL down here in Florida. Have you talked to her about that?"
Trust me, you will be happiest if you do not engage in LONG drawn out text replies. Keep them very SHORT and on point, even if it is frequently saying what you have already said over and over and over and over.
My reply to the 8 page text would have been,
"Sorry you are having house problems. MIL is well past being able to stay in her house. Her daily needs are far too numerous. I cannot/will not take care of her. You and DH need to take charge and get her into AL."
And I would copy and paste this reply over and over and over every time you get a text from SIL, because she needs to read it over and over and over.
You can be very FIRM without getting ugly. Don't use a lot of sentences.
Trust me, she senses your anger and frustration, but she is not yet giving up. That is why she is now doing this little dance with the long sob story text.
Don't engage any further and don't get angry. She is working you and you are very right in that she is trying to crack the door.
H knows well what SIL is like with the texts (doesn't he complain of her "blowing up" his phone with texts?). So he's really going to get angry with you because you won't put up with her "blowing up" YOUR phone?
I think the adaptations (levers, grab bars) are a positive sign that SIL is intending to take MIL to IL. Just hang in there a little longer, and MIL will be out of your hair (and, more importantly, out of your mind).
That has been met, more than once with the following: "Oh I think if the day comes, and it might, ..that she has to go to an AL . it's gonna be best that she be near me, .. here in IL, so I can keep a finger on the pulse of the goings on and be part of her life".
Of course that then brings about the whole, "so how much have you done as to finding the navigation to that path should it become an eventuality", to which there is "oh nothing, oh I see".
H3!! thus far, she won't even get her there for what is supposed to be a temporary stay . much less even begin down any path of what if AL becomes a necessity.
Playing nicey nice and pleasantries and all, in a general conversational tone .. generally brings about more gnashing of teeth, "Sure hope we can all get along, ya know she has a tendency to be cruel to B (her husband) and I just can't tolerate that".
Of course not SIL .. no .. and you shouldn't have to, .. if you find that is a problem, of course, I guess MIL would have to come to some realization at that point that an AL is going to be best, since it creates too much tension ..
To which, more teeth gnashing and spinning like a top: "I just hate having to uproot her at all, she seems happiest there in her home, .. says as much ..just wish she could stay there in her home, like she wants".
To which: "yes, and if frogs had wings.... and if pigs could fly .. ".
Magical thinking. All to duck and dodge the obvious on her part ... her mother needs to be in her care and/or .. more support for her residency .. wherever that may be, however that presents. Her mother needs more care, period.
And be conversational about the work that will ensue in the basement .. "yea, I'm sure it'll be loud and somewhat of a problem, never easy to have workers coming and going, .. but she'll be fine". .
That will be met (I know her well) .. "you know how old people are, they don't get their apple cart turned upside down easily .. it will be a problem for her, .. the noise and the mess, and the coming and going of workers, . I just wonder, maybe we should put off, and just hope/pray there's no storm that kicks up .. just leave MIL be .. and just go ahead and get this done here .. so that when I do come to get her that won't be something she has to contend with here".
Trying to crack open that glimmer of light ... that will cause me to open an aorta on this end.
No .. you can't "converse" with her, .. it just ends in frustrations.
Not so much a hard time and anger, but just .. it would be along the lines of ....
"She's just doing the best she can with a difficult situation Dorker ... I mean none of us have the answers here .. she just ... I mean she's always had you to talk to about it .. and help out .. and now suddenly you have just disappeared from any conversation .. she doesn't deserve that .. "
That kinda hooey that will (and it will) crop up.
Let's remember though in all of this. DH .. is not the one that will get the texts of the day to day minutia that is ongoing as to need that crops up, never has been, never will be. Won't happen. Even though I've done my level best to get both of them to realize .. this isn't my mom .. I have no say-so in any of this, it's a matter you two need to be on the page with and discussing routinely. It doesn't happen. Never has, never will.
Look no further than the last thing ... with the whole dental appt. To my way of thinking that whole thing was between YD and MIL .. the two of them working that angle, .and YD having offered what she could .. to meet that need. Why my flagpole even needs to be input into any of it, is beyond me. But .. here it came .. from afar ... any damn way.
Saying to her, in the past and I have .. numerous times, "yes I see that dilemma .maybe get ahold of your brother . you two figure it out", ..
gets met with, "yea I hate to bother him, I know he really isn't able to take her to this kinda thing .. especially on such short notice, he has to work . and .. I hate to bother him, .. and besides that, he doesn't really even respond when I text him".
Mr. Fixit is ALL ABOUT IT if it's a leaky faucet, or a sprinkler head that's leaking or a toilet that's running .. he's all over it, always has been, always will be. The day to day "need" .. i.e., the above dental thing .. he has no clue .. never has .. nor would he care .... the printer cartridge caper ... lost on him .. wouldn't care .. never has, never will.
Let's remember, how long he had me as buffer to it all .. I used to run interference in a mighty way .. and he was no wiser to the goings on .. at all ... sans my occasional bitching about it, which to him, fell as nagging ... and more nagging .. .and he tuned it out.
SIL yes, does blow up his phone and he .. not so long ago, did respond with some venom .. at her, "Sister I know that to do, I don't need to be told repeatedly". And then blew off steam just in venting to me about it.
He is aware, all too aware that his sister and her teeth gnashing and top spinning .. gets way outta control. All too aware of it..
His makeup .. obviously far better at ignoring it ... that which really .. doesn't land in his hemisphere that much .. thus .. how much does he care one way or the other, not a lot, that seat on the sidelines is nice and comfy for him.
His expectation and he has said so more than once, "don't let it get to you, just don't let it bother you"
Well, h3!! if that were able to be achieved, we wouldn't be where we are would we DH? Your sister, in spite of my best efforts to divert it that way .. doesn't bug you with the latest problem du jour .. unless it's a light bulb that needs changing, or a toilet that's clogged .. you don't hear about it, .. easy for you to say, "just don't let it get to you".
So would he really come at me, . for doing the same thing he does? Not so much in anger, no he wouldn't .. but very much so .. in maybe some dialogue that he thinks I'm just being ridiculous.
Just talk to her, .. for CHRISSAKES DORKER .. why do you let it get to you
Well DH ... it's not you she is running up the flagpole that which you have been absolutely beyond any shadow of a doubt clear on .. I don't do "need" unless it's a Thursday .. that's known by all ... it's not you she does this to.
Over the damn drama. Your mom. Not mine.
That is a shame.
I am sure you will manage.
I suggest you and your brother coordinate that with your mother.
speaking of not playing...on Thursday evening my boss told me I could leave Friday at 3. That was far too late for change to IL plans who *had to stay overnight* to make long trip. So I told hubs a skirt and top I have ok for wedding. Hubs went to visit FIL in morning Friday to discuss will etc that had all been set up. HA. FIL could not answer very basic questions about materials, about accounts, about whether trust for mother actually created, etc. so hubs will talk to lawyer at FIL expense...when pigs fly. But Dorker, I don’t have a required part now. At the wedding, I didn’t care that hubs kept “leaving to go talk to” ...a variety of folks. I didn’t feel trapped with his mother in wheelchair. My BIL looks awful, bloated to almost double size in face and hands, meds side effect and sarcoidosis advancing. His kidney values are worse, I know cause I asked. BIL needed to stay and help clean the $10k per day venue for next day event. In the country near college so our hotel about 40 min round trip. I told hubs take me back to hotel and return if you want. Or I’ll catch a ride to town with BIL 2d wife and her daughter, unwelcome with bride’s family front and center. Hubs chose to go back to hotel and stay after comment that $10k per day venue had to be cleared by wedding party and I was clear about MY involvement. We are enablers and polite, we have to learn to be clean polished polite mirrors of the disengaged adult children. By the way visit Friday with Hubs and FIL didn’t include MIL since it was all will stuff and she is not involved. Apparently the tantrum and hurt feelings are too much for FIL and my DH...both declined going back to visit. But the bride was happy to see me. I didn’t take unpaid time off or hurt job. I only did what I felt comfortable doing. I did not rescue. And the trip driver FIL thanked my hubs for supporting them not going down. Venue was 105 at 7 pm and lots of outside wedding party stuff that was not wheelchair friendly.
dorker, if you are angry you still care, you still want red chair. I’ve quit looking at the chair AT ALL.
There is no money for AL. Are there waivers in FL for AL? I think you have mentioned, possibly there are. Has SIL explored that avenue? No.
I mention that option because I don’t think SIL really dreads having MIL in her home.
The option of getting some Home Health aides (self pay) into MILs Home that SIL shot down as being too expensive could be revisited. Along with the “Service” that comes twice a week, the aides could fill in some gaps. Do Drs appts, companionship, run errands.
SIL can’t be forced to move MIL to her home. MIL can’t be forced to go there either. But, now that SIL is now obviously stalling she really does now need to get her head on straight and put a plan together. Not a “Team” of employed and busy family members.
A team of trained caregivers that can stick to a schedule.
I would not entertain pages of texts.
I would do a phone call so that when she starts rambling you could stop her with a “no”. Not a lot of details just “no”. I would begin the phone call with “Did we not discuss these rambling texts during our sit down at the kitchen table?” Did you not understand that I will not participate in them?”
I'd just say something like, "I'm glad they're getting the bathroom there ready for her, that'll be a big help. She'll do okay, especially as long as she's got you there to help her. That'll be so much better than her being in this dingy old house here with no grab bars or anything."
She may go on and on about potential problems, but just tell her, "I know it's hard, but you're still doing the right thing bringing her there with you. We know she can't be by herself anymore. Gotta run, I'll talk to you later."
Those of us that tend to be fixers and rescuers want to jump in with a solution. I have to remind myself not to enable. I've learned with certain people how to say, "Dang, I'm sorry. That really sucks." without adding anything else. It's hard, because you feel like you're being mean, I know. But it's not. You're just not the fixer/fetcher/runner that they are used to.
MIL really needs to be near her daughter now, her home sold, for the eventuality of her going into residential care at some point (if there is any principle left), and this whole situation tied up with a pretty red bow, where you and your hubby can go to visit them a couple times a year, and give respite to your SIL and her hubby, if you are so inclined to help her out once and awhile. You've done this long enough on your own, and it's really time for her to step up, it's Her Mom ffs!
Your SIL Still doesn't give 2 Shites on when You will need to be Stepping Up for your own 2 parents, who live in 2 separate households, increasing your stress level. At this point, you don't even know if your "duties" and responsibilities to your MIL and then to your Own Parents are going to overlap, your Whole life can change in an instant, leaving you No recourse, and Definitely No rest and recuperation between what might turn into years and years of parental care and Untold Stress, believe me, I know, my husband and I, along with my family at least, have been at this for going on 20 years, and with Zero help from my husband's family, it has only been since last fall, that our parents commitments have come to an end.
You are only 1 person and Cannot pulled into so many directions at one time, as what Started this whole thread in the first place! You are only trying to be proactive, for when the eventual becomes a reality, and it will! Why can't you put it to her like that, why can't she be compelled to do the right thing, and take over the responsibility of her Own Mother, so that you can see to your own parents? This whole situation is a train wreck waiting to happen, and not just for MIL, but for You and for Your parents too, your remaining parents must all be in their late 70's and 80's, after all, and something is bound to happen sooner, not later!
She's definitely not being fair to you, and she knows her brother's involvement only comes to the maintenance part of their Mother's home and some "visiting, while All of the worry (and animosity) and Caregiving duties are solely resting on your shoulders.
Gosh, these people are So Dense, it infuriates me, and I'm sure you are on your last nerve! Stop enabling them and put your foot down! Then and Only then will your life have Any semblance of normality to it, otherwise and eventually, your ownn health is going to start seriously failing You if it hasn't already, as this constant stress and worrying is eventually going to take it's toll on your health! Its been a
Year of chronic stress for you, and You are being Used!
Time to write your own 6 page missive, IMO!
You are right as long as MIL is in FL it will be the same continuing hand wringing and Dorker’s phone will continue to blow up with problems that arise with the AL.
I appreciate the feedback ..
Sometimes maybe it's just moral support. You get to feeling like, in the end, maybe you are the problem .. maybe it is me .. maybe I'm just cruel .. and you can't even really reason with yourself well. You get so beat down with it all.
I haven't done anything to address the 8 pages of *conversational* (if you wanna all it that) texts. Haven't responded. Likely I won't. And at this point, my approach is .. (that might change) .. one of ... the ole saying, "don't start no chit/won't be no chit", .. in other words. I'm not going to go looking to pick a fight with anybody, I will sit here and mind my own biz. But if anyone wants to bring accusation and/or consternation to my corner over it, well then "there will be chit .. you start it, there will be chit".
It just all becomes so redundant .. and so .. I dunno .. disgusting doesn't even define it all.
The latest this afternoon. YD called vet to confirm tomorrow's appt for precious poochy and she will be accommodating said appt on behalf of MIL. Follow up again, since he wasn't well this last time. YD then called MIL to report she'd be there tomorrow to pick up poochy to haul him to the vet.
This is where .. (now don't anyone get excited, she would NEVER DO IT) . this is when MIL . .so disgusted with her oh so picky dog . and oh so persnickity . just disgusted with her dog .. and the ailments that never will mend, her ill equipped to deal with it, said to YD .. "I tell you I am so disgusted with him, if I had a gun I'd take him out back and just end it .. I'm just done with it .. he won't take the damn pills .. I have to put them in pill pox because he's so persnickity and finicky .. and won't take the pills . and so I have to put the pills into pill pox.. and now I guess, . he's been giving me a fit ... won't take those, doesn't like them. I'm having the worst time here, I'm ready to just off him".
((she would never in a million years, that dog is her reason for living . she's just completely at her witts end) ..
YD imparting this to me.. I barely looked up from what I was doing and asked her, "so you heading over there 2x's daily now to administer pills?". That was met with a resounding and resolute "NO". I said to YD .. "maybe she should ask flighty C next door to come help her, ..flighty C is familiar with dogs .. has 2 of them herself".
YD incredulously ... "Mom! This aint flighty C's problem, I hope to God she doesn't do that, I'm sure that's just what flighty C wants to do is run over there 2 x's daily to shove pills down the dogs throat .. no .. I hope she doesn't do that".
I left it alone (no the irony isn't lost on me, that poochies are going to be well looked after in IL .. all while MIL here is struggling and can't adequately are for her's).
So the fast forward a little later .. and my phone rings. I'd gone out to donate some baby items no longer in use here. And the cell rang. I saw it was MIL. I don't know why she was calling (no didn't answer it, on purpose, let her call her son or daughter) .. but I would just about bet, .. it was for me to come and administer dog meds ... maybe even 1 x' daily and she'd ask .. (God knows who) to do it the other time. I don't know, she may have been calling to tell me about a news article she read for all I know. But I would just about bet it had to do with this debacle of "can't get the dog to take his meds". I'd bet money on it.
No, I haven't called her back. She has a son and a daughter .. and it's their charge to help her figure out how to live alone and manage the things that crop up. Not mine.
Don't know how she'll resolve it .. don't care. And I don't make suggestions any longer .. only for what makes perfect sense to me, to get shot down. I don't bother.
So be it.