I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
I don't have this problem, but I don't have the struggles MIL does. I staddle the dog (he's small) and kinda detain him between my ankles .. and facing away from me .. and I reach down, bend all the way down .. and grab ahold of his snout and aim it up towards the ceiling . pry it open .. and shove the pill down .. and then hold his snout closed momentarily and rub under this snout and his throat .. for a moment .. all while holding the snout up and closed .. just for a moment.
Works every time. Without fail.
She doesn't have the strength in her arms/hands, nor the dexterity in her fingers, and she damn sure cannot bend all the way over .. to do what I describe, she'd be sprawled out in the floor. Can't even do it from a sitting position .. bending over that far .. from a seated position . she'd be in the floor.
No advice from this corner going that way. No suggestions. Not my circus, not my monkey.
When I was there on Thursday that little pill .. was wrapped up sitting on the kitchen table in a pill pox .. and the day waned on. I asked her if she was going to give it to the dog. She exasperatedly said, "I've tried .. he won't eat the damn thing .. I don't know what to do with him anymore". I already know the dog won't eat Peanut Butter.
I just took care of it, dispatched in mere moments .. and over with. Pill administered, done. MIL, a thundereous .. "I WISH I COULD DO THAT, I'd be in the damn floor if I did that .. I can't bend over like that, . I'd fall for sure .. and I damn sure can't pry his snout open with these damn arthritic hands".
I didn't even speak to it any further, just moved on to the next issue.
I will say that it was a RELIEF to me when my SIL, who lived much closer to my mom than I did, was honest with me and told me that she couldn't do what she had been doing any longer (taking mom to docs , etc).
It was a relief to me to know that the time had come that my mom needed more help than we (various family members who had been called upon) could give her. It was clearly time for us (me, and my geographically- close- to -her brother) to say "mom, we can't do this any more, we need to find some place where you can be cared for better".
In your situation, I think I would 1] not nag DH 2] tell SIL ONCE "she needs more care than can be given in her current situation; you and your brothers need to figure out what happens next" and then stop participating in the conversation, except to say "that's nice dear".
SIL is the type of game-player who will swear up and down that she doesn’t play games. That’s the most dangerous type. Hiding behind her word salad of “caring so much” and to-do lists and micromanaging.
Never once has SIL said that she wants what’s best for everyone, has she??
Day by day....dust-up after dust-up....SIL does not honestly want MIL in her house.
SIL would rather gas on as the Most Concerned Adult Daughter In The World at book club than be the Adult Daughter Who Dropped Out Of Book Club Because Live-In Mama Saps All Her Time and Energy.
And MIL wants no parts of living with her flibbertyjibbet daughter and her useless (in MIL’s eyes) husband.
Check and checkmate.
Dorker, if you feel compelled to respond to SIL’s filibuster texts, stick to the stock phrases that some of the fine folks on AC Forum gave you.
If you’re not in the game, you can’t be played. ((((big hugs))))
Oh how Handy it would be if Every Thursday you would walk in to the "Nicely" provided list, that way MIL won't forget something she's been coached to ask for by SIL, and have to wait until the next Thursday, when you come again, because there's no way MIL knows how to use a printer!
Soon, she'll be running you ragged on Thursdays, working in every possible thing that she can, the things you used to spread out over the course of the whole week! You must have been answering 10 texts a week!
BlackHole "Word Salad", that's a Good one! Dorker, you should shoot her back a "Word Salad" text of your own, and tell her that her Manipulative Ways of Working You Over are Over, she's got 2 weeks to get Her Mother Picked up, and Nicely Settled in Illinois as Promised, as your Sick of Eating Salad, you're moving on to Champagne Nights and Caviar Dreams, otherwise known as Worry Free and Well Rested before the next shoe drops with in your Own Family!
This is Not a Suggestion! It's a Necessity! For Your Sake!
After that face-to-face sit down with her, back in the spring (which was a feat all on it's on to achieve) . and I made it abundantly clear, I'll step up on Thursdays .. to help .. and that she should no longer text me with any home maintenance need .. direct that to your brother .. I don't care if he doesn't respond, still don't send it to me (gotta give her credit on that latter one, .. she seems to have adhered to that request). But .. in all honesty .. anything she has tried to put in my lap .. that doesn't fall on a Thursday .. the answer has been nope. Ducking/dodging/obfuscating .. excuses .. nope.
Further, . she is now getting silence at her texts. One might would hope her to be perceptive enough that she has picked up on the fact, she is over bearing by far, and I'm done with it. But not with her. I think she is a whole lot more dense than I ever thought her to be. Either that or a helluva lot more persistent and rude than I thought her to be.
Her mom can't even power up the computer, .. doesn't know how .. much less navigate how to print out anything sent to her. SIL is famous for .. used to be .. sending her mom some article she read about the newest fangled food that is for good health, and/or the procedure for this or that, or pill for this or that .. and she'd ask me to print it out for her, when I got there, sign onto her email and print it ... but I long since . .long ago quit doing that. Send it to her snail mail SIL.
The only motivation that I know as to any urgency on the printer cartridge .. she gets a specific want/need on her brain .. and it chews and spits and regurgitates out ... til it's met ... by her, by anyone she can get to do it. Not to mention, it'd be awfully convenient for her, .. once here again, to not have to go retrieve that herself .. for her own use (she does use the computer when she comes, to find the newest fangled whatever it is that needs to be printed out for MIL to peruse as to procedure/pill/test/food item . whatever.
I still have not gone to get any printer cartridge .. and at this point, hell can freeze over before I do so. Not because I'm being ugly .. but because I don't have a need to go to an office supply store, nor do I even care to address it that I can order it online (so can she) .. and then have to put it into the printer. Just one more damn thing that's needed on that front, that MIL can't address, .. along with all the other hundreds of things she can't deal with on her own.
Barb's note about her having been grateful when the sister in law finally pulled the trigger that they couldn't keep doing it .. that note made me literally cry here. Not because I'm wanting any appreciation for my efforts . that's not it. Not even one iota. It's because .. how effed up is this whole thing that I am in the position I am. How effed up?!?
Fielding SIL's b'chit that never ends .. and my pleas that she needs more help meet with so many lame excuses ..
And me left here with the very real .. existence that I have to "war" with it all ... when need plops into my life .. and having to "war" about it all. That's what it feels like.
The fact that MIL .. sits out there .. unable to administer her dog's meds .. and so many other hundreds of things that go as need . all the time .. and unasnwered, yet I'm the one that seems to wear it all, while SIL sits up there and caters to her prima donna daughter and her dogs.
I wish I could say that even having some frank discussion with her would make a difference. It won't. Not when her motivation is clearly not to see about her mother's welfare but to direct traffic on this end, as she gets YD at this point to jump to that beat. Doesn't matter what I say. She's not vested in it at all.
Only you know what you can do from this point forward, and unfortunately it will probably be a catastrophic event that will bring any changes, and only then will you be able to be out of this Dysfunctional mess, but I hate to hope for anything to happen to the old gal. If only SIL would wise up!
When that day does come, when SIL turns to you and says "you know Dorker, You were Right all along", I hope that then you will put your hand up and say "talk to the hand, I don't want to hear it"! Unfortunately, you will probably never get that satisfaction. I think you are right, your SIL is Dense, Persistent And Rude, and there is No satisfaction in that.
Take heart that you are the way that you are, for if you hadn't been there for her all these years, caring for MIL, God knows who what would have become of her!
Take Care, and I am so sorry you are Stuck in this unbearable situation!
You go above and beyond as it is, giving up your Thursdays and helping and visiting with MIL. Lots of DIL would not be as kind as you. And I know it's hard not to worry about the other shoe dropping, but...
You know how sometimes with your kids, you have to let them learn things the hard way? Not in an unkind way, but just stepping back and letting them figure things out? That's what you're doing here. And really, the world won't end and the sky won't fall, even if SIL thinks it will.
At a pinch you can even squidge the pill up in a piece of bread, rolling it into a little dough ball, but it isn't quite such a dead cert.
And Dorker, who else does SIL have to talk to about her mother who knows as well as you do what is going on with her? But do her a real favour, and be blunt about how you're feeling.
Just suppose SIL vanished off the planet tomorrow. What would be the "plan" for MIL then? Because that might as well be the one you're all working to.
SIL doesn't like her mom, or maybe, who her mom has become. Her mom insults her husband. Complains about EVERYTHING. Will get insulted at the drop of a hat.
Would you want a mother like that living with you? I wouldn't.
NO ONE, not SIL, not you or DH can make MIL do anything she doesn't want to. She needs to be in a care facility, not moldering away in a single family home in FL, IL or Alaska. She needs to be around other people of her age.
So SIL leaves her be, moldering away, trying to get her needs met, to assuage her guilt that she doesn't like her mom and dreads her coming to live with her. Secretly hoping she'll just die in some painless, non traumatic, non guilt producing fashion.
Can you empathize with that?
The really important thing is for Dorker to stick to the lines she has drawn for herself; and they're admirable, charitable lines at that. Dorker gives a full working day each week to the support of an elderly lady. The time is spent productively, for MIL's measurable benefit. That is *plenty*.
Dorker, in the years to come you will have every reason to be satisfied with what you gave your children's grandmother and absolutely nothing to regret. For the rest of it, you'd do better to work on not fretting about what other, more closely involved people are doing. Let that be their business.
But it's probably true that SIL doesn't really want MIL to move in with her. I can't understand why she would ever push for that, knowing the lousy way MIL treats SIL's H! SIL wants her life of taking care of H and dogsitting (and babysitting when the Royals breeze into town) to not change. Who can blame her?
MIL is legally mentally competent. NO ONE can make her do anything. I am still not sure you really believe this. You think a responsible daughter and son would have forced her into a better living environment. BUT THEY CAN'T do anything MIL doesn't want. The crisis that will cause change hasn't happened yet, and I think we're all surprised that it hasn't.
So look at those three green chairs. None of them are going to change color (MIL, H, SIL).
Your Thursday mornings have now mission-crept to become the whole day. At least Poochy will get meds once during the week. Team MIL will just have to be activated to do the rest of the meds, right? And I'm going to say that MIL has no business having a dog if she can't take care of it properly. I know that I would refuse to have anything to do with Poochy if I did a charity visit once a week.
BTW, how were MIL's ankles last Thursday? And you've still heard nothing more about the home helpers who come in on Mondays and Fridays?
She knows exactly what she is doing.
She is hoping her persistent nagging will wear you down.
She does feel guilty (who wouldn't) that she really does NOT want her mom to come stay there. I love my own mother dearly but one week of her in my house would have me spitting nails. I cannot imagine having someone in my house who I know hates my husband and is hyper-negative.
The agency sent out a gal, reported by MIL, very nice, of Russian descent. I think MIL was going to struggle through and deal with it, . the very real language barrier, until, the gal happened to mention that she goes to school .. and will not be the one to come on Fridays .. that will be a different person, don't know who.
At that point, .. I guess, it was a deal-breaker for MIL, ..
So she phoned the agency told them she'd prefer someone English speaking, but also that someone to be the same individual to come both times weekly.
FWIW .. the gal did speak english but her accent/dialect .. such that MIL struggled to understand her, and likewise.
Anyhoo .. sounds as though that kinda suspended the set up at least temporarily until . .I dunno .. other measures can be taken.
So lasts week when I was there, and asked her what's become of that. She said they had phoned her and it is to resume this coming Monday, which would've been yesterday.
Of course, I haven't talked to her to know how that went ..and if indeed they have arranged things to her specifications and if it's someone she likes and things will proceed along swimmingly. Don't know.
As another point of interest, MIL is growing discontent with the housekeeper .. seems the housekeeper a real chatty kathy . and the first hour or so she arrives there .. she likes to sit and chat MIL up .. and then .. I guess, it takes MIL prompting her to get busy and get some work done ..and as she put it .. and she doesn't do all that thorough a job .. but as MIL put it .. "I'm here alone, just me and my dog .. so it doesn't get real messy here".
But this agency that is now sending folks .. are ostensibly so .. that's supposed to be some of what they will do. Light housekeeping. So .. maybe the housekeeper that MIL is becoming not content with, can be dismissed. Not my kettle of fish to fry.
YD goes to MIL's this morning to retrieve poochy for vet appt.
Finds the fortress that is MIL's house is, on complete lockdown. Her home is tighter security than the Ft. Knox.
I get a phone call from YD who can't get in (generally one enters by pushing the keypad security code pad outside mounted on the wall by the garage .. and that then activates the garage door to open, but if MIL hasn't deactivated that lockdown .. then it doesn't work).
YD: "I'm here at g'ma's .. and I can't get in .. what do I do? I have tried using the keypad to get in and it won't work, she has it on lock down .. WHY THE HELL DOES SHE DO THAT, WHO IS GONNA TRY TO USE HER KEYPAD TO GET IN?!?!?!?.... I try to call her from my cell phone and it rings into infinity .. she doesn't answer. What's the code for that lockbox mounted on her front porch in case the EMS people ever have to come, so I can open it and get the key out and get in".
((She has a lockbox mounted on her front porch .. has a security code to it,.. known to the life alert folks for her pendant she wears .. in the event EMS personnel have to come)).
ME: "I can give you the code YD but if she hasn't disarmed her alarm system, the second you open that door, it's gonna sound the security system and scare the chit outta her .. if she's not answering the phone and it just rings and rings and rings and the answering machine doesn't answer, that means she's on the phone with somebody .. and likely at this hour it's SIL .. so call SIL . . she'll answer her call waiting .. tell her you can't get in .. she'll tell her mom:
Disgusted YD: "I'm just gonna go ring the damn doorbell, .. it'll take her 10 mins to get to the front damn door, why in the HELL does she lockdown her frickin garage every night, .. you'd think BY GOD that she has the treasures of the royal palace here .. and somebody is laying in wait to break in, DAMNIT".
SIGH
The above is something that routinely occurs. Thus the reason I call there, .. when I'm on my way .. and yes . .. I also encounter, that the phone rings forever and ever and ever, . her on the phone, not clicking over. I don't leave here to head there, until I can reach her .. and make sure she has taken her garage off of lockdown .. so I can use that keypad to get in.
Can't tell you the number of times that I've texted SIL: "Your mom is on the phone and I can't get her, she won't click over, I need to head that way, but not doing so til I can reach her, to unlock her garage so I can get in . .if it's you she's on the phone with, tell her to go unlock her garage and let me know it's been done . not heading there til I hear it's unlocked".
And that gets a response from SIL: "Yes it's me she's on the phone with, I don't know why she can't click over when somebody calls, wish she'd learn to do that .. I told her, she's unlocking it now".
Happens quite often ..
Yes, I have a key to her front door .. and yes I can use that .. but if she has her security system armed, and it sounds that alarm when you walk in .. it will scare the daylights out of her. Thus, I don't do so. Don't advise others to do so.
It's always some damn frickin something with the whole situation.
Isn't this exactly what YOU have to do to get MIL going? Constant prompting? She should be glad the housekeeper chats with her, because it's a chance for socialization!
As far as MIL's perpetual lockdown. Too bad you had to get in the middle of it. I think the lockdown issue would be a good reason for YD to back out of her Poochy duties.
Can I not abide by the fact that MIL wishes to just malinger there in her home ..
To answer that.
Absolutely I can. Her choice .. thought to be of sound mind (though I question some of that refrain
So here's my take on it all, if that's going to be the approach taken.
Then SIL needs to
A) sit down with her mother and have frank discussion .. one that includes, her saying to her mom, .. I don't think that my home is going to be the appropriate setting for you we once thought it would be .. my husband obviously grates on your last nerve .. and I can't have you be rude to him. So let's look at what your options are at this point. I can't move here to take care of you .. and in spite of all you say mother, you are aging and growing more and more more feeble and in need of more help. So now, let's talk about what remains. Dorker .. she used to help .. but as I said before, your needs are increasing .. and that's not gonna get better, she can't meet it all. I know you want to stay in your home,. but if that's what we're gonna do, there can't be any expectation on your part that you all ALL the shots as to who comes and goes to help with it all, you are going to have to compromise, now I tried to get you set up with city transit but you wanted no part of that, we can revisit that if you'd like .. or we can talk about some of the other public transport services .. and the other option that we can talk about is AL .. and maybe figure the navigation to that.
And then .... there should also be some sit down serious conversation between her brother and she, at the kitchen table as to the approaches going forward that are practical and more importantly workable, not dependent upon the well wishes of those who "say" they will step up .. but in the end, aren't able to, are truly . unwilling and not paid . and thus, free to do so or not.
The above .. or semblance thereof is what MY expectation would be.
And then .... DO NOT ... put in my hemisphere .. the fact that a dental appt has been cancelled and oh dear what shall we do .. they want to see her tomorrow instead and nobody to get her there.
Oh dear, the dog has gotten sick and she has no way to get him to the vet
Oh dear the dog's specialty foods are in .. and she's almost out ... can any of you go get the dog's foods for her ...
so many things ....................... that are gonna crop up in such a setting .....
And further, it would be my expectation that SIL would realize that in leaving her mom in that setting .. (their choice) ........ things are not gonna be as pristine and nicely tied up in a bow . there will indeed be times when maybe her mom has to give the dog .. whatever she can scrounge up .. to feed him because no one is at the ready to go get specialty foods/treats. Indeed there will be times ... when MIL has to be okay with .. she can't get the damned confounded pills down his throat, her unable to do it. Indeed . there are times when doc/dental appts get rescheduled and it creates a maelstrom of "what to do now?" .. find a way to be okay with that ... and wear it/live it/breathe it .. be it .. that Dorker is not the stop gap to make sure the above and more gets met by putting it on her radar. Period.
Realize .. when you have told Dorker and Dorker has answered to it, the need for a printer cartridge .. that when you remind Dorker of said need, .. underhandedly having MIL put it on the grocery list .. you are pizzing Dorker off .. and you don't wanna do that, .. Dorker is the one lone single source you have in any of this that is CONSISTENT as to support.
Some semblance of above would be my expectation. Doesn't happen though does it. Wishful/magical thinking prevails .. always.
In other words, all that to say .. sounds to me as if the housekeeper holds court with all her tales of woe.
As opposed to MIL having the floor .. when I go there .. .and/or any other person there for MIL's service and she can prattle on and on about her life and her story and her beginnings back in the ole days and her this or that and the other thing.
She doesn't get to hold court, .. the housekeeper does .. from the sounds of it.
Therein .. no appreciation for the fact someone is there to "socialize".
Do you suspose this is what he’s thinking?
”That human of mine! What am I going to do with her?!? She keeps bothering you to take me to the vet. I wish she’d stop bothering you - I know how busy you are. But it’s one more doctor, one more pill ... and that medication- it makes me have to pee all the time - I frequently don’t make it outside in time and have an accident in the house. I hate that. I’m just done with all of it. I just can’t keep doing it - it’s too much. It’s not who I am. It’s not what I’m about. I just wish that Big Cloud would come get me - come take me away. But in the mean time - I’m happiest here. Here, where everything is set up just perfectly for me - and I have all my precious toys around me. AND - seriously? What’s with wiping my butt with baby wipes each time I do my business? I’m a dog - FOR CHRISTSAKES! And don’t even get me started on the whole meat issue!!! I’M A DOG - FOR CHRISTSAKES!!! I just wish the BIg Cloud would come get me”
Cause dogs pretty much say what they mean. Unlike humans.
The latest, post vet visit. I guess YD smart enough to tell the vet the struggles MIl faces in administering pills to poochy. They went ahead and dosed him with an injection of antibiotic or whatever.
Why didn't they do that in the first place? Who the h3!! knows.
But anyway .. the dog .. and this ailment that has been ongoing now for weeks .. it's all allergy related ..
They rx'd this little teeny pill (hahahaha) that he will have to take daily for the rest of his life.
Didn't we just cover the ground that he can't/won't take the pills and isn't it well known how how persnickety this dog is. Mentioned that to YD .. she said the following: "yea I thought about that .. and I told g'ma to crush it up, it's really really tiny this pill .. crush it up and sprinkle it into his food".
My first thought .. yea right. This dog that won't even eat a pill wrapped in a piece of lunch meat and/or peanut butter .. or anything else, and mostly turns up his nose and walks away from almost anything .. yea right, sprinkle some meds on it .. now he'll really turn his nose up.
Next up as to "NEED" ................ a pill crusher .......... oh and one that someone with badly arthritic hands can use .. most likely electronic, complete with need for batteries she can't install .. and so that too will need to be retrieved.
Amazon .. yep.
Who wants to take bets til this one rises to the top of the heap in my hemisphere?
I say later today .. no later than tomorrow, and certainly on the supposed grocery list on Thursday if not before.
So, MIL is really NOT going to IL (SIL is paper thin transparent, you know, in her sneaky pete ways of getting out of doing what she said she'd do) and MIL is NOT leaving her house. Hmmmmm...only constant in this whole mess is Dorker. And it keeps ticking along b/c of you, Dorker. What would happen if YOU fell, or had a nervous breakdown or a desire to actually leave your home for a few days? The world may simply stop spinning.
Now, you don't live with MIL. But you may as well, She's as much a part of your family/home as is the furniture. Every other text is about her. You have no peace or calm in your life. I feel your anxiety ramping up and by Wed night, you're frustrated and angry about what's to come.
I know you promised. And that means a lot to you. You've stayed true.
SIL also promised and that appears to not be worth anything.
At this point, you are spinning your wheels to get as much done on Thursdays as you can, so you don't have to deal with her the other 6 days--it isn't working.
Can you text SIL with a message: "SIL, as much as I know I said I'd be here for MIL on Thursdays--I am finding that I am doing far more than I have the capability to do. I had planned that this was a short term aid, not a "forever" thing. I am gong to be working again soon, I want to be a bigger part of my g-kids lives and I find that I am being incorporated into way too much of MIL's care. I am giving you 2 weeks to figure out a way to get her to IL. If this is a problem, please tell DH. She is, after all HIS mother. I have to consider my OWN mother and of course, MYSELF. Also, MIL Is beginning to involve my daughters, none of whom really have the time or wherewithal to be granny's CG. "
No fighting, no drama. Just walk away. I think 2 weeks should be sufficient to purchase and airline ticket for an old lady who, as a houseguest, would be like having a piece of furniture in the LR.
Just musing--I'm sure there's 101 reasons why SIL won't go for this. But if you really held true to your words and didn't go running back to MIL's, SIL's would be stuck.
Call her bluff.
"an old lady who, as a houseguest, would be like having a piece of furniture in the LR. "
Not just any piece of furniture, though - MIL would be a BIG GREEN CHAIR. Haha!
That is funny about Poochy's point of view. And a pill for the rest of his life? Another haha! THAT is not going to happen!
MIL shouldn't be choosy about what the helpers are like who come. Beggars can't be choosers and all of that. She's not paying for the helpers, right? They come as part of a program for the low-income, right?
See the thing is this. The whole Thursday set up was my design. I'd of balked if anyone mandated what I do and when.
I did that to limit the 20 needs or more every day of the week and an absolute inability in my world to find any way to organize what I want for my daily existence.
Thus, I will help but some boundaries/limits so as to being able to organize what I do and when.
I don't know that I'd be comfortable completely divorcing myself from MIL and need and turning a blind eye entirely.
She is someone I care about and she's damn sure needy.
I can help but with limits.
Problem comes in the form of all the myriad of incidentals that will always be part and parcel of the present set up and SIL's seeming belief that running it past me will get me to steppin.
It doesn't. And hasn't since I signed on for this Thursday deal.
Doesn't stop her though
.. still need falls in my lap that I then duck and dodge.
ALL the while I've held up to what I agreed to.
The MIL team?
What's that. What team?
SIL? We see how her end of it all falls and always does.
She may not get it, and still call, and of course she'll still worry, but she won't tell her mother "No", ad nauseum (it sounds like it's hard for her to say "no" period, hence the hemming and hawing). It's okay, just let her vent (even if you know she's "hinting"), sympathize, you know like, "I just don't know about her, she's so stubborn," kind of like she says. But you do Thursdays, that's it.
It sounds like you and your MIL do enjoy one another's company on your Thursdays and that she is able to laugh and joke with you, you know, not to have to take everything so darn seriously all the time like with SIL. And you love and care about her too. I would definitely keep the Thursdays. But all the other stuff that falls outside of that, no dice.
I'm a dog lover, so I feel so badly for her aging little dog! It is going to be really HARD on MIL or the dog when one goes before the other!
I had the best yellow lab ever...several years ago. Lived to be 14. Had taken him and worked thru obedience training and he was the best behaved dog I've ever known.
He died in 2011.
I haven't desired to have another pet and the responsibility thereof since.
We won't go there that I haven't had a chance to miss being a pet parent as my home has been ...a rotation for a number of years of ...my mom and her cat ...DD and family landing here for residence not once but 3 ex's since they married in 09...they and their dog.
YD who moved out as soon as she graduated high school and was gunna conquer the world but then found out light bills don't pay themselves nor do fridges fill on their own. She moved home with a dog she inherited while on her own
I haven't had a chance to miss being a pet parent. My home has been a revolving door of those who need a roof over their head and they pet parents.
I do feel bad ...somewhat ...that MIL cannot administer meds (pills) for her dog.
But..
That too is filed away in my brain somewhere under "Also Not my circus ..not my monkey".
Got a text from SIL today .. as follows: "thinking I may go ahead with a flight I'm looking at here, on 8/16 .. and then the return trip back up this way on 8/23 .. seems like the prices are better around that time frame
(((Fingers crossed, toes crossed)))
Interesting that this tidbit of info pops up now. I have to wonder, if SIL's "feelers" she put out there about all the work to be done at her house, and whatever else ... it got nothing. No one assuring her, "oh dear SIL .. you are going to have a mess there, .. why don't we just not worry with uprooting your mom and sticking her in the middle of all that".
None of the above was forthcoming, nor anything closely resembling it.
Was interesting just conversing with DH's cousin yesterday. The very same cousin who uprooted her dad from his home here in FL, .. took him to her home in TN. That specific cousin.
She, of the camp, .. and has been .. always .. "want my help as you age?, .. then plan on coming to me ... I'm not gonna keep a bag packed by the front door and fly out on moment's notice .. be glad to help ya, but ya gotta come to me". That specific cousin. Thus, her dad sold his home here in FL .. and moved up there to be with her.
Made me really pretty sad yesterday talking to her .. only from the respect, .. she's such a "realist" and handles things precisely as they should be handled, *see above*.
A decision now made in that situation that AL will be better suitable for him . and the works in progress for placement thereof, near her in TN. Long and short of it there, .. he is the capital "I" in the word INERTIA. He is not nearly as bad off as MIL, but he will before all is said and done, . as he gets up to go to the bathroom, or to go get dressed or go to bed, but outside of that, .. he sits in his big recliner and doesn't budge .. not to do a dish of his own .. or his own laundry or make his own bed .. or his own sandwich .. nothing. He "is" able to do so, chooses not to.
Not sure why he felt the need to uproot and sell his home and go in this direction .. and move to TN. . He isn't immobile .. but maybe anticipatory that day would come. Who knows.
But anyway .. I guess the INERTIA ... and the concern that he will ... before all is said and done become UNABLE to get up and move to do anything .. as he CHOOSES presently not to get up and move. The decision made, . . he goes to AL.
Made me sad only from the respect that they handle things in their family .. 1000K% the way I'd like it handled here.. But am powerless to make any of those choices ..
Obviously whether or not MIL lands in an AL setting or any other, is out of my hands . but I sure wish some of what their cousin obviously has, in a realist approach .. would rub off on SIL and DH.
But on that front, talking to that specific cousin (and she is aware of the MIL situation here, ... has been aware of it ... and her take on it all, all along has been one of .. MIL is being incredibly selfish and SIL is an enabler to continue to allow it .. see above .. as to what her approach was on the fact her dad may require her help as he ages .. then you better get up here to TN where I live).
So talking to her yesterday .. her aware .. she was aware back in April when MIL was to have been carted outta here ..and thought at the time that was boneheaded to leave her here. She was aware when MIL was to have been carted outta here last Fall and no move way made. Her aware .. as we approach hurricane season and MIl supposed to be carted outta here.
Her words on the impending .. exit .. if there is to be one (they haven't left yet have they?): "Well talking to SIL .. she says .. they have to get the dog well, and hope and pray that MIL doesn't get a case of diarrhea she's so prone for, or strep, UTI .. align the moon and stars. We'll see Dorker .. it'll be a miracle
I agree.
So SIL is already making excuses to her cousin? Poochy still isn't well? MIL and diarrhea, strep, UTI? So all the planets have to line up. I wonder if MIL will come up with aches and pains that will prevent her going with SIL when she flies back to IL?
But, STILL...these are more plans than anyone has seen up to now, yes? Once there, do you think MIL would be continually angling to get back to FL? Or would she kind of forget about it?
I, too, think this is progress. If MIL's trip to IL gets aborted, I don't think it will be attempted again, though.
Let us know how today's Thursday with Narcissa goes. Would love to know if the new home care workers are satisfactory! (And how are those puffy feet and ankles?)