I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
And Dorker, that cousin-by-marriage who's got everything so well taped. Who's happier for it? Not her. Not her Dad. They're actually quite a good reminder that even when decline is under control, it still sucks. Which is some consolation, in that it's not like everything would be roses, roses if only MIL would be less stubborn and SIL would get her priorities right.
You can only do what you can, and you are. The rest of it is in the lap of the gods, and they always were a mean bunch of ratbags.
Then fact that SIL actually mentioned DATES is enormous. Still a long ways from booking tickets and all that--seriously, why is she hanging around FL in the heat and humidity for a week...but who cares. It will take a day to iron all the pjs...
Aug. 16th. 3 weeks for all this to come together or to fall apart. It could certainly go either way.
How LONG is this visit to be? Over the holidays?? Would that just be too much to hope for? A meal with family and no waffling about whether someone should run a plate to MIL's since she'll refuse to come..discussions NOT about MIL's needs and cares. Oh wow--it would be amazing.
If you KNEW for sure that said ticket was purchased and poochy's papers are in order (that's something that I WOULD do for MIL, w/o even being asked!! If pooch can't go for some reason, MIL would never leave..) ..you could begin to make a calendar and mark off all days leading up to D-Day in bright colors!!
I hope for you--I really do. And I still applaud your love for this cantankerous old woman whom you still openly and obviously love, despite all the crap she's given you. I don't even speak to my MIL.
{{Thanks for asking about DH. He's about as good as he's going to get. He's severely depressed and his P-doc is kind of not paying any attention to him. He is on ST disability and that will then roll into LT and eventually into early retirement. I'm not a part of this planning, he hasn't asked my input and also doesn't care what I think.
Certainly not what I had planned for where I'd be at 62--and him at 66. Every single day he tells me how horrible he feels and how depressed he is. I know. It's the new norm and I don't expect he will get much better. Docs think he's been back to work for a week, at least. They don't know he's not even getting out of bed, most days.
So, this is my life now. Just gotta find a way to find joy in it. Right now, I feel nothing but exhaustion, mentally and physically.}}
Dorker--I hope to hear good news from your corner--real forward moving news. I do always think of you on Thursdays.
Goes about like this. I'd gone yesterday to pick up 4 yo .. to hang with me for the day. There, I found DD ............. very frustrated. Why? Well, .. seems SIL from afar, . had it all planned out. Thusly, her words, to DD: "Your mom goes to help MIL on Thursdays .. MIL badly in need of a haircut .. how about your mom bring MIL over to your house and you cut her hair, .. oh and .. she's really been dying for some of that good chicken salad from that restaurant there .. you guys could all go to lunch".
Well.........
First problem there, .. first and foremost ... DD is the mother of 3 kids, two of them .. are 1 year olds that are just learning to walk .. and are EVERYWHERE and into EVERYTHING .. all the time! That is a fact. Believe me. I help DD when I can .. and God knows she needs it. They are teething and so don't always sleep good at night .. and so she is up .. sometimes most of the night with one or the other, if not both .. and then in the day hours .. she can't rest when they do, she has a chatty kathy 4 yo that wants her attention.
DD is tired .. exhausted ... that is the truth of the matter. What probably SHOULD happen is that DD beg off of any extra assignments .. until her kids get older .. but DD is an adult and can certainly speak for herself, doesn't need me to do so.
DD .. exasperated at this whole prospect, and very annoyed with SIL that she would .. have it all mapped out, .. she who isn't here to help with 1 yo twins so that DD can accommodate yet one more damn thing on the list of MIL's never ending needs list.
Secondly, DD has zero interest in having anyone come to her house for anything. She has a very tiny house .. and .. generally speaking .. there are toys scattered about in that little small space (DUH .. she has kids, toys are gonna be there). She does clean them up when the babies nap .. but only for them to be dragged out again. Such is life with little ones under foot. Not only that, the paint on the walls in her bathroom (1 bath house) .. the paint is peeling off the walls, and as DD has said, "I guess I could address that, when ..??..... between maybe 4 and 6 AM .. .that's about the time frame I'd have to do anything with it".
She doesn't want MIL (or anyone else) in her home, but more to the point, MIL .. who can be judgmental and has no filter. Doesn't have the patience/tolerance for it these days. As she said to me: "I just don't have patience for anyone that wants to come into my world and criticize these days .. I don't have time .. and I certainly don't have the energy to put up with it".
I do get it. I understand .. probably because I'm part of her world, trying to help out where/when I can and I see what goes on. I don't go over there and critique the walls that need painting, the too small of a house, the toys scattered about in too small a cramped space, . I just step over them and/or go find something to do to help her, rather than criticize. She wouldn't find that in MIL. MIL can't go find something to busy herself and be helpful, but she also is old and has no filter, . and so she wouldn't hesitate to say what she thinks .. it comes up .. it comes out with her.
So DD supremely annoyed, and even more so when I told her this next bit by means of a heads up of sorts.
Last week, when I'd been with MIL .. we'd had a calamity occur. In all truthfulness, I'd forgotten about it, .. a non-event .. after the fact, at least in my brain, filed under "dispensed with and forgotten". Not so much MIL, who has such a small little world that any dust up or happening .. at least to her, is to be chewed over, and mulled over and tossed about and contemplated, etc etc.
Last week when I'd been with MIL .. my cell rang. It was DH calling me .. there at MIL's
(continued)
Here is what was said, and MIL heard it, him with disgust/disdain in his tone: "Call DD and see if you can get her to answer the damn phone .. see if she got things worked out, check on her. She called us (her husband works with DH) .. she called us and the 4 yo had locked the bedroom door with the twins behind it and she couldn't get in .. the twins locked in their bedroom and her unable to get in to get to them, the 4 yo locked the door .. she wanted us to come help .. but we're all the way out in __________________ and we can't come .. and told her so .. told her to go get the neighbor guy .. see if he can help .. she got mad .. she hung up on us ....... we've tried to reach her a few times since then, to see if she was able to get the neighbor guy to help .. or whatever and she isn't answering .. so call her and see if she got it worked out and let us know .. I don't know what we can do, I can't pack up all my tools and come all the way from ______________ and then all to turn around and come back all the way to _______________ and pull it all out again ........ but just check on her, she was mad .. because we wouldn't come . and so now she isn't answering when we call".
This is what DH imparts to me, in MIL's presence.
Now mind you I have told him (to no avail, countless times) that when I am with his mom, please .. please .. if it's anything of a controversy . .please don't say it .. or ask me to call you back outside of her presence, .. she gets so overwrought and then wrings her hands and gets all upset about things. DH doesn't see things that way, "GAWD DORKER you act like she's some little waif of a wallflower and can't stand to be around bad news .. it aint like that .. she can take it .. ". He had told her, back when DD was pregnant with twins .. and had been explicitly asked not to tell his mother, who chews on stuff .. and looses sleep .. when DD developed HBP during her pregnancy and had to be put on meds .. had been asked explicitly don't tell her that, and he did so.
He knows how I feel .. that I wish he'd not tell anything of controversy (in this case, 1 yo twins locked in the bedroom and inaccessible) .. not in her presence, .. But he's gonna do what he's gonna do.
So anyway, I get this phone call, while sitting there with MIl last week .. and she heard enough of it .. she knew .. and so she then saw me call DD .. "are you okay, have you gotten into the bedroom", .. to which the answer given was that she's gone to get the neighbor and he has come to assess the situation and has gone back to get his tools. I told her to call me if she needs me, let me know how it turns out. Really, what could I do anyway .. I don't have any tools.
She did call me in a little and let me know the neighbor took the door knob off, babies accessed .. and are fine .. all is okay.
Done/dispensed with in my mind. Over.
Well, not so fast.
Seems when YD was out there to take poochy to the vet, .. this news was the biggest news since Eisenhower died.
YD called me later, "you didn't tell me about 4 yo locking the twins in the bedroom and that DD had showed her butt with dad and her husband .. I didn't know about that".
My answer to YD: "oh that's because I forgot all about it,.. it was over as soon as it started and resolved .. no big deal .. nothing that involved me".
YD: "Well g'ma says that DD was ugly to dad and her husband .. and that she shouldn't treat them that way .. and what's wrong with 4 yo that she would lock the bedroom door with the twins in there?".
Me: "Well, 4 yo's do what 4 yo's do, they spill milk, they knock over a bag of chips .. they just do what 4 yo's do .. and if she talked ugly
(cont'd again)
YD: "Well g'ma was telling me about it, . and she just couldn't believe that DD would be ugly to her husband over it, they were WORKING .............. they can't just up and leave the job .......... he and dad and for her to have been ugly to them, that's not fair .. and ... why would the 4 yo lock the door with the babies in there .. just all of it".
ME: "Your g'ma needs to worry about her own little existence .. and don't worry about other people and how they do things . .. this didn't involve her in the least .. she isn't the one asked to go over there to resolve it .. nor could she have any way .. and ... whether or not your dad and her husband were talked to ugly by DD .. is really none of MIL's concern .. but she is old and she has no filter .. and she certainly has nothing in her world of any thing to tell about, I guess, to her this was big news ..
So that was that.
BUT ...................................
Now, I know that SIL has it orchestrated that MIL needs a haircut (DD is a former hair stylist). I also know that DD .. of little patience these days for anyone with an opinion on how she does things. She's tired .. she's spent .. she does a damn good job, a better one than I could do, running circles around 3 kids all the time, and sleep deprived to boot. I know her, I know she's not gonna sit well w/this. I know she is already supremely annoyed that there is expectation she accommodate a visit from MIL .. to get her haircut and likely in her own home .. where MIL will find fault, and DD of little patience to deal with it. And all it will take at this point is for MIL to sit in judgement and be verbal about last week's occurrence. It will not be good.
DD doesn't even really want to cut her g'ma's hair, she doesn't wanna cut any body's hair .. she's busy .. but she also doesn't want anyone to come to her home which is too small and cramped, but certainly that anyone had better not have their opinions and voice them about how she does things. Not if they wanna keep their head attached to their body.
By the time I even got wind there was this agenda of hair cutting .. orchestrated by SIL from afar, .. DD had already re-aligned things .. that she would go to MIL's on the Thursday I go there, bring her kids .. and her mom (Dorker) can watch the kids while she services hair need .. and she would also, if her mom (Dorker) would pay for it, go and get the favorite chicken salad and bring it there, rather than go to a restaurant (not pleasurable taking 1 yo's out to eat). DD had already re-aligned all the above .. begrudgingly .. didn't even wanna do any of it. FOG I guess.
But then I told her to expect, .. in MIL's presence last week's big ordeal to come up .. in conversation and MIL to interject her opinions . and thoughts. DD of little patience for any of it. DD was livid. She doesn't even wanna be around it.
DD aware, (I made her aware, it was not me that put her biz in the street for MIL to chew on, that was her dad).
In the end, .. she thought she might feign a migraine and beg off going, but said she'd think about it. After some thought she decided she'd go .. and just try to bite the bullet if MIL sounds off.
MIL didn't sound off ... it's been done, the haircut, the chicken salad .. kids in tow, etc.
However, the 1 yo twin girl .. she spiked a fever while there, for some odd reason. So here we go .. germies flying by .. oh dear!
No I didn't check MIL's ankles/feet .. didn't even look. I think I've gotten past the point of caring. Truly. Not gonna argue with her over whether she is taking her water pills and the pitfalls thereof. Done that, far too frequently. I didn't even think to look to be honest.
How long is she going to stay gone? All I know on that front is that she has this new program up and running now, with these helpers that come on Mon and on Friday .. for a few hours. Long awaited .. program. She cannot miss said service, longer than 90 days or her name goes back to the bottom of the list, as told by SIL. So will they be gone 89 days and counting? Or will they be gone 3 weeks .......... I don't know. Haven't asked.
Will MIL be, once she gets there (if she gets there) angling to get back down here. I have a suspicion that MIL will be resigned to the fact this is her plight for now, and maybe there will be some tears and so forth .. but it will wain eventually. That is, unless .. a big unless .............. SIL's husband (who grates on MIL's last nerve by his shear existence) .. if he is manic .. and off the chain .. then she'll be telling her daughter, to take her home, she can't take it, being in the presence of that .. bet on it. And her daughter would do so.
No knowledge on SIL's husband's emotional well being at present. Haven't asked.
Today's visit .. I did go to the grocery for her, for a few items she needed. But mostly today's visit encompassed running after 3 kids so that the haircut could be accomplished. And then the visit was done, and DD left, and so did I.
I didn't ask her how it's working with her two new helpers sent to her .. her thoughts. I simply forgot to ask (I think I have gotten to the point where I just don't care).
I did ask her about the fact that YD reports her dog is almost well, .. and that they have now rx'd a daily pill (little teeny one) that he will take for the rest of his life to keep allergies at bay and the fact she can't get pills in him. I did ask about that. She said that her dog is smarter than she is .. he has her figured out.
Her arthritic hands .. she said she'll sit and work with a pill, surrounding it by a piece of cheese, or a torn piece of lunch meat .. or even a marshmallow .. her dog loves marshmallows (this vegetarian specialty foods dog) .. she said, her words; 'he's smart .. he sits and watches me working with it, to try to get this pill surrounded by something he'll eat .. he's so damn picky about what he'll eat .. he sits and watches what I'm doing . and then I try to call him to me, and he just looks at me, doesn't even bother coming to me, and hell I can't get up to go get him. I'll leave it sit here, waiting for him to come this way .. hand it to him and if I can even get him to take the thing .. mostly I can't .. but even if he will put it in his mouth, this marshmallow or piece of cheese or whatever .. he'll put it in his mouth, walk away .. and then go drop it in the floor and work around it, to get the pill out of it, and drop that on the floor and eat whatever it was that I put it in .. and leave the pill in the floor. I don't know Dorker, I just . it's gotten to where I can't even take care of him .. I can't take care of myself, I can't take care of him .. I give up.
I offered no suggestions.
(And if the puffiness ends up contributing to some medical crisis or fall that results in the upcoming trip to IL being cancelled, she will care about it.)
She says she cannot take care of herself, but then what does she do when efforts are made to take care of her in the way of getting in home help or moving her to her daughters? Push back!
You are right not to look at her feet and legs or ask about them otherwise you are just setting yourself up for frustration with the non-compliance of her taking her meds.
My aunt does this regularly. Will NOT take her lasix, saying things like "I'm not taking that or I will be up all night going to the bathroom! I'd rather get my sleep!" Then 2 days later, lots of hand wringing and her saying "I don't know why in the world my feet and legs keep swelling up! I've got to get to the doctor and find out what is going on!" Then she goes to the doctor and tells the doctor she DOES take her water pills (which is a LIE). Doctor ups the dosage. She takes it for a week, then lowers the dosage herself for a couple of weeks, then starts the entire cycle of skipping pills all over again.
She makes it a point to show me her legs and feet if they are swollen when I visit. I say "Um hmm." and that is ALL I say. I do not ask about her meds or if she is going to the doctor. There is NO point in asking or caring.
It will be the same broken record that I've heard FOR YEARS AND YEARS of this:
"I hate those damn pills .. you know I struggle so just to get one foot in front of the other and get any damn where, and those pills, I have to be up and down .. you know what a struggle it is for me to get up and down .. I can't even do that ... then back and forth to the bathroom ... I just am not able to do it".
If I've heard that one time, I've heard it probably 10K times.
I used to, would fall prey to that whole thing and off we'd go to the docs with her swollen feet/ankles .. and/or lots of lectures about the whole thing (to no avail) .. and she'd tell the doc the same story above. Doc would then advise, support hose .. and she'd say she can't put those on and off .. arthritic hands/fingers. They'd advise, recommend, .. a home health aide, to come a couple of times a week to assist, which would get "Oh I don't want people coming and going".
Round and round this went .. for forever.
I remember one time, not too terribly long ago, .. DH had been summoned by his sister, from afar, to go take a look at MIL's edema .. as well as some other fixit chores there. When he returned, the fixit chores were done .. and I asked .. "...and her feet/ankles?". His response: "I didn't look, didn't ask, don't care .. doesn't matter she's not gonna take the damn things ... have asked her over and over, I'm done with it".
It dawned on me then, ... not only the "if you don't care why should I", not only that aspect, but it dawned on me, "There ya go Dorker, .. quit asking ... ".
And I don't think I've shown much concern on that issue ever since.
Their whole mantra of "I just can't even take care of myself anymore", .. all while they pushback when you try to enlist more help. It's probably somewhat of an exaggeration .. but somewhere akin to .. if I sit here and say "I've gotta get on a better diet, and eat more healthy" as I shove a donut in my mouth, while saying that. Probably about the same, ..
Yes, it's a problem .. one I don't know how to fix .. nor am I willing to do so. Her dog is aged, .. 12 I think .. and he has a myriad of issues himself .. and at least it appears there might be the ability to get a bit of a handle on some of it, in the allergy pills they want administered daily. But ... she simply isn't gonna be able to achieve that.
I guess, if she gets an electronic pill crusher maybe .. but even then, when I say this dog is persnickety .. OMG ! I asked her yesterday did she think he'd eat his food if she crushes up the pill and mixes it into his food. She said, "NO!, he'll sniff at it, like he does anything you try to give him .. and he'll smell that medicine and turn away from it and not eat it".
My feeling on that topic .... it's much like a finicky kid .. my approach .. you offer what it is you're serving ... they eat it, or they don't eat. Period. They will get hungry eventually .. as long as you aren't supplementing what they didn't eat, with other .. snacks and so forth. Fine, refuse to eat it .. get on down from the table then (in the instance of a child) .. and soon enough they'll come forward with a "I'm hungry", .. ok, go get your dinner you didn't eat, it's in there ready for you. "But I don't want that", well when you get hungry enough you will.
Same with a dog. The dog isn't going to starve himself in protest of meds put on his foods. He will, eventually eat. But .. MIL .. so consumed with this dog. She won't follow anything close to above, but supplement with snacks and treats, so worried he isn't eating. Thus, he won't consume his meds.
Talk about give up .. I give up!
In a couple of weeks, all this will be SIL's problem. Don't fuss MIL about ANYTHING AT ALL in the few weeks prior to her leaving. Her mind is like a maze--who knows what crazy places it may go if she gets a wild hair about needing this or such done while she's gone-just--don't say anything.
The swelling is the indication her heart is working too hard. No surprise there, right? And I am SURE that the continual fluid retention/release has GOT to be hard on her heart. One of these times, she won't get lucky that the fluid can be regulated.
Life for her must just be absolutely miserable. I do feel sorry for her. And like, 90% of her problems are her own doing. Other than aging, which none of us gets to forgo--she's created all this mess around her--all this drama, when life just is dramatic enough on its own.
What's the absolutely worse thing that can happen to poochy if he doesn't get his meds? This just sounds like one more piece of sand in the cogs.
More and more I am glad we are totally estranged from my MIL and also, to a great point, my own mother. Neither are great patients--or even particularly nice people. I could not be as kind to my MIL as you are to yours. But, then, we didn't have years of her being a "good" grandmother. So there's that.
Hoping things go smooth as possible before the departure. Wondering why SIL has to stay there for a week---maybe she's super slow at ironing pjs? Is she going to paint the house or lay sod? Just curious. I'd pick up MIL and hit the road the next day.
Oh, and when SIL gets back home? Be sure to blow up her phone with mindless texts a minimum of 20 times per day.
I know, I know...you are over and don't care.
It's just puzzling that Poochy's med compliance is getting so much concern from your family.
Get a calendar and count down the days till (hopefully!) she gets on that plane.
Yes, MIL will take .. or try to .. better care of precious poochy than she does herself. I guess, the only reason I even inquire, maybe on my part, is a subliminal attempt to point out .. that she can't adequately care for her dog ... (we know she can't care for herself). And why bother? The point is mute. I think, she could be bedridden and she'd still insist that she stay in her home.
Some of all this digests later. When I was there yesterday, and preparing to leave to go get her few groceries she needed. She asked, .. kinda sly like, she knows better .. "you don't suppose I could have just a little bit of popcorn .. could you get me some at the store, I would love to have some really good popcorn". I answered, as fast as she asked, "No". She said, "oh c'mon .. just don't tell that sister in law of yours, she'll be all over you, we just won't tell her". I answered, "nope, not about SIL, it's about your diverticulitis and flare ups there, and you know you can't eat popcorn, you'll get diahrea and not be able to care for yourself, no". She swatted my butt (happened to be standing there by her).
Just an interesting reflection. Is she capable of formulating .. gee let me get some horrible bout of diarrhea that is so perplexing to everyone and has them all jumping and running, and maybe even if it extends out to when SIL is to come get me, well that'll seal that won't it .... I won't be able to go anywhere.
I don't think so .. I think that's far more complex thinking and planning than she is capable of, to plot out something of that sort. But, careless, and reckless of her .. to even consider doing so. You bet. Fortunately, she doesn't get out anymore and so is at the whims of those who go for her to the store (Me) .. and I know better, .. and that was nice stark reminder to me, to also notify those in her circumference that she is not to have popcorn .. ever, and I did so.
Also of note from yesterday's visit. She was on the topic of her brother in law in TN .. that is now going to AL. She talked of that situation and I guess, her brother in law, poor mouthing (her brother in law has PLENTY of $). That's probably why he has plenty of $, he spent his entire life living like he had no $, .. and now he does have plenty. But anyhooo .. him poor mouthing to her that this is going to be very costly .. and so forth. And her (she knows he has plenty of $) .. countering that, .. that he can afford it. We talked about that situation some .. and that she wonders why he threw in the towel and went to his daughter's to live (I do too, .. he is old .. but no mobility issues .. and no other real concerns .. other than he's aging .. well, that and the inertia has been a life long issue that is going to exacerbate his aging). Talking of all that.
She said the following: "Ya know, .. us old folks, .. we just .. we aren't good for anything .. we can't really do much .. we have everyone around us all fussing and doing .. and we can't really do anything".
I countered in response: "oh but you can ... as is the case in his situation .. he is agreeable to go to AL .. where it will work for everyone, not just him .. it's important that you "old folks' as you term it .. all consider what works for e-v-e-r-y-o-n-e, not just yourselves. A decision has been made on their end, that it wasn't fair to his daughter .. and her life, she still has years to enjoy in her life, but was saddled with his care there . and the fact he wouldn't get up and move .. and do ANYTHING at all. I don't blame them for pushing for that as an option .. not one bit. It's important .. in these situations that everyone work together, for what's best for all.
DD talked, that MIL lamented, in great length about "how hard this is, nobody knows how hard this is going to be", .. as to her departure for IL. MIL imparting she thinks she will die there, and never see her home again. So dramatic. Who has the academy award .. hand it over to her.
DD saying she imparted in response to her g'ma, basically, .. "oh I think you're just gonna have to roll with it .. and make the best of it .. you'll get to spend some quality time with your daughter, . not time that she's here running hither and yon to tie down loose ends .. it will all be fine".
I think it's interesting that MIL doesn't really impart that sentiment to me any longer. Maybe her having done so a time or three and gotten from me, much the same as above. Maybe she thought she'd find in DD the pity she is looking for, and maybe even if DD would advocate for her, that this isn't necessary .. this whole uprooting her for IL. DD .. not on that page .. DD in the camp, she needs to go .. .where her daughter can help her, and look after her, and more importantly give HER parents that live here, .. her mom and dad a break. DD not inclined to agree and commiserate on that point.
Also of note, does anyone else find it at all interesting that SIL would be the one orchestrating from afar, .. to align DD and hair-cutting services .. knowing full well, doing so will entail being around the little ones.
Uhm . isn't it SIL that .. when here .. won't hardly even do anything that entails bringing her mother around that family .. fear germie bugs will be sailing right onto her mother's being and get her mom sick.
Is this not more than ironic to anyone but me, that there didn't seem to be the least bit of concern, as SIL then orchestrated this whole thing to see to her mother getting a haircut .. not one iota of concern that babies would be part of that scene .. and ironically in the end, .. one of them .. spiked a fever, the baby girl .. while there .. in the scene.
Am I the only one that sees this as a bit more than confounding?
Interesting then that this morning, I get a text, ... as I usually do, .. DD and myself both this time .. group text, .. "So nice of you guys to have gotten with mom yesterday .. she sure enjoyed the visit with the babies .. and that wonderful lunch .. and her haircut .. so nice of you guys really appreciate it. Sorry to hear both babies are sick, hope you guys don't all catch it?".
I responded, ........... "or MIL .......let's hope she doesn't catch it, .. always a concern being around babies, in fact, . . it's looking more and more to me, like the Hair Cuttery at the strip mall would be a better option .. that was a lot for DD to do, haul the two babies and 4 yo .. as well as all they'd need .. over there, and feed them .. and then have to cut your mom's hair .. sure go visit .. if you want, but the whole lunch scene, going to pick that up .. and then hauling it all over there .. my vote is the corner hair salon next time".
Response of, "yes, probably".
And why is it going to take a week for SIL here, to get her mom back on the plane going back in the other direction. Her mom .. I think she is of the notion she needs to take all her worldly treasures .. and SIL is going to have to pare that way way down .. and only the essentials .. and so sorting thru that .. I guess, .. will take a week.
If she was ever going to get someone else to do something for her, this would be the time. She could get the flighty neighbor to get her some popcorn, right? Then diarrhea galore and the plane will take off without her.
Are you sure she isn't crafty enough to plan that?
If she swatted my butt, I'd swat her right back...
Talking to DH this morning, who is on is way out to work, he says the following:
"So I put in my noon time call to mother yesterday .... and she says to me (him now .. mocking isn't the right word, .. but talking of the dripping drama that is at work in it all, in her tone) "Sometime when you have the time, I know that's something you have none of, time ... but sometime when you can give me a few minutes, I'd like you to come out here and let me talk to you about some of what I'm feeling .. some of my thoughts here".
DH goes on to say to me now: "So I don't know what that's all about ... "
I said in response: "Well I don't know for certain, but I can just about bet I do know ... ".
At which point he interrupted, ... "what she's gonna tell me like she did OD that she is wanting to kill herself .. is that what this is gonna be about".
I responded: "No, .. I can tell you that when DD was there to cut her hair .. and of course I was chasing babies so I didn't hear any of this, but DD told me later that MIL started in on the whole *nobody knows how hard this all is, this is just going to kill me to have to do this, .. nobody knows ...".
DH then said to me in response to above (with a bit of a sigh to his tone): "Ya know, .. sister .. she isn't looking forward to this .. she tells me that she hopes mom can withstand it, it won't be too disruptive to her, she's having to have this work done there ..at her house .. she hopes it will all work out with them all getting along .. she's worried about how her mom treats her husband .. and whether that's going to be a problem .... I tell ya, I can't have my mom go up there and be mean to her husband .. her husband is just sitting there minding his own damn biz ... he's not harming anyone .. if she goes up there and is ugly to him .......".
Meanwhile I'm sitting here with a mentality of ... "I don't get it ............. I truly do not ... this is a woman who yes, is 88 years old and extremely feeble and needy .. and even more so the reason she needs to go where her daughter can help her (if she'll keep her mouth shut and not be mean to her daughter's husband) .. but .. not only that, this is someone that used to .. travel to where her daughter is .. at the drop of a hat . and stay for two and three weeks, all the time, several times a year. Yes, I get it .. she is old and feeble/frail now .. she isn't mobile ... and so everything is harder for her, ... near impossible hard, I get that. Why am I the only one in all this that sees ................. she needs more help .. she is adamantly opposed to any kind of facility to live in.......... this is the only logical next step .. this doesn't work .. because she can't stand being in her daughter's husband's presence .. then .. hate it for all you guys, but some damn body better be checking on how to navigate a path to Medicaid bed somewhere .. because .. she simply cannot live alone ...
DH said the following: "Ya know, I'm just gonna remind her, mom it mere weeks ago that you said yourself, you're a damn prisoner in your own home, staring out the window for hours at the time, unable to go anywhere .. that this is .. this is what you need ... you said that yourself".
Pour on the drama ........... I'm guessing the next few weeks til SIL can get here, .. she will consider hurling herself out in front of a moving vehicle .. or any number of other measures to stave off having to leave her home, and/or tell everyone including the garbage man that comes ... "this is going to kill me".
What he was going to say next, .. I guess .. would be .. that his sister, if she finds that .. that the mother is then cruel to her husband, well that will nix any ability to house her mom there, . understandably so.
He didn't go there .. on that line of talking .. but that would be the next logical conclusion of course.
DH invited the pastor/wife over for dinner tonight, so I am running like a house afire .. as to getting a dinner put together to host them. He has been asking for weeks and I am the one that has dragged my feet. It's important to him, and so I am trying to do what I can to be accommodating to that want.
So on my radar for today:
Go get special stuff to fix for the pastor and wife
And get back here and prepare that which has to be set aside ahead of time (some of the ingredients, like an ice box pie that has to be refrigerated a few hours, and a salad that one has to roast the nuts that go into it, and home made bque sauce that has to then sit and cool).
Run to the meat market for some chicken to grill
Stop and get gas for my car that sits on "E" (no time to go get gas yesterday), was cleaning in anticipation of pastor visit
Was helping DD with fussy/sick babies yesterday
Stop and get an rx that DH is out of
...............and then, .. run over and go with DD and babies to a doc appt. since they aren't getting better
And then back here, to finish for prep for dinner
In the middle of the above I get the following phone call from MIL:
"Dorker .. if you have time, my special dog food and dog treats are in at the vet, and I need someone to pick that up for me".
SIGH SIGH SIGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YD is out of town ...
DD is dealing with sick kids
DH is working and on a project that he is under the gun to get complete and will not be able to get to the vet during the operational hours .. and pick up said dog stuff.
OD - we've established .. she doesn't step n fetch
I did go while out on the above .. to retrieve the dog stuff, but it's here and DH can figure out how to get it to his mom. I'm my own worst enemy .. I know .. she should've been told to get a hold of Team MIL .. and see if she can't get it resolved otherwise I'd be there Thursday and get it.
She did make mention that she thought she might struggle to get in the car and go get it (and of course, that strikes fear in any of us). Thus, .. I step to, when I have no time to do it. My own worst enemy.
I then sent a nasty-gram to DH .. especially in light of the fact that his mother now wants to "share her thoughts with him" .. wants his time. GOOD .. take the dog food to her while you go listen to her thoughts.
Your sister is retired, as is her husband ... the past few weeks your mom has had us all hopping to step to need .. I'm over it! I don't want to hear another word about "how hard this is going to be", .. or .. .from your sister, "that she hopes it will work out and not be disruptive to your mom with all the work ongoing at her house and that they can all get along". We all have to just make it work here, and have for quite some time, time for her to do the same. Make it work, done with it.
He responded back .. "hang in there, .. if it's any consolation I'm working in a body suit under a house today in this horrible heat ... ".
I answered that, "Well aware of how hard you work, and long hours and you are unable to step to meet all the need, thus the help she's had for a very long time in the rest of us ... time for this to end. I'm over it!".
Good GAWD ........................
Specialty dog food .. the other day it was the special chicken salad she wants and a haircut .. and the few days before that it was yet another follow up vet visit .. it's every few days .. someone is having to hop to that beat .. and get to steppin.
Now on to daughter's to help her with babies and a doc visit .. and wait in the car with sick kids while she runs in to get rx's, if any ..
And then back here, to finish with dinner prep and the last of house cleaning . .. and specialty dog food awaits DH and when he can get to see his mom, for her "thoughts these days"
I know you’re becoming quite good at it, Dorker - but since I’m fluent in Maniputaion-ese I’ll translate:
”I desperately need to get someone in my camp to campion my cause of NOT GOING ANYWHERE. Since my attempt on dd didn’t work - and I know Dorker isn’t on my side - that yd is so Inconsistent in relying on since she seems to want to
put her own needs before my own at times - we’ll, I’m just gonna have to guilt you - son o’ mine - into coming over so I can spin a head trip on you and get you in my camp to fight my battle - your own wife and your life together be damned”.
I guess I would be politely rubbing her nose in her inability to cope in her current situation .
I did it with my mom. " Your neighborhood is so isolated. No neighbors home during the day. No sidewalks. No one can get here safely in the snow. No mom, I can't come for your emergency today, I have to work".
I've suggested this before. But as another poster said recently about living in the South, everyone is SO polite. Can't possibly tell the truth.
You can say these things without getting angry. They are the facts of life. Just state them
On the plus side, at least it is MIL herself calling about what she is wanting help with, rather than SIL. So it sounds like SIL is getting the message that you are no longer stepping to the beat. Or SIL put MIL up to calling, that's a possibility too.
But you notice it was about the DOG, not about her own dr appts, or medicine, etc, so I'm more inclined to think this was MIL this time. Understandable that you agreed to help out DH and MIL, but it's still on him to deliver the dog's food, so you're still holding the line well, I think.
I agree with Barb, anytime she starts in with "I'll drive myself" call her bluff and remind her gently that her "managing" isn't working.
Just for you - a Rainmom Movie Quote - and it is one of my favorites:
”Eventually things get tragic enough and then they circle around to comedy.” ~ Gabe; I Wish I Was Here
My mother used to self-harm for attention, and often threatened suicide for attention. We were KIDS for crying out loud, but she'd kick something and break a toe, or manufacture some bizarre pains--and this long before CT scans and MRI's so docs were doing a LOT of unnecessary surgeries. Once my DH made the comment he had never seen my mother without a neck brace, cast on a foot, leg, ankle---never. I know she's unable to put words to how she feels. It's sad really.
I think she's in panic mode. What can she do to alter this horrible course of events? (A VISIT to her daughter's home, mind you, not a stay in prison!) And as far as her treatment of BIL--she's lucky in that when he's manic he's not physically aggressive--he well could be. I feel sorry for him. My MIL is a total beast to me and always has been--DH has never said a word in my favor, so she feels free to continue to be awful to me. However, my kids and their cousins call Grandma out on her meanness--so I guess if you wait 40 years, somebody rescues you. :)
I was a psych major in college, but didn't graduate--so my psych knowledge is pretty rudimentary--however, a freshman in psych 101 could DX a manipulative narcissist.
It's just ramping up to some catastrophe, I'm afraid. I think we all may be being just a little to hopeful for Dorker that she might actually get a break.
Of course, I have no way of knowing if that's what's on her mind, that she wants DH's presence, to "share her thoughts" with him. I'd just about bet $ it is though.
Truth of the matter is that .. I think if even SIL could get a lifeline in it all, she'd bail her mom outta this .. with the upmost quickness. She too would like that proverbial pat on the head .. assuring her all is well, leave MIL stay put .. don't you worry.
The bottom line is this. There's not a damn thing I can do .. or anyone else. She could refuse to go .. and dig in her heels ... and be obstinate and stubborn and say she's not gonna do this, and there is NO ONE that can make it change. That's the absolute truth.
I don't know what I would do if she did that. Besides have my head explode. I mean, I am not going to abandon her altogether .. though it would be tempting, in a "alright ole lady .. this is war .. you wanna be left alone here, you got this ...?!?!?!...... you got it, have at it ............. manage then! I'm out". But I'm not gonna do that to a frail old lady that doesn't manage. I already have some firm limits on what I'll do. What can I do if she digs in her heels and refuses to go any damn where?
But I would almost bet that is what she's looking for, a lifeline in SOMEONE In all this. DD didn't give it to her .. OD .. is by far not in any of this, never has been and that confounded YD .. she's far too self involved .. with her own life .. and so who can I get here, to throw me a lifeline that I don't have to do this.
She will play the card that she can't abide by her daughter's husband .. she may even play that one once she's there. I'm telling you all, the truth here, her husband is harmless .. he is a mild mannered, quiet (too quiet) sort, always. His worst fault .. is that he really isn't all that communicative. He just isn't. Not ina snob kinda way .more in a way that he's just kinda out of it, on all the drugs he takes for his bipolar disorder. He's been this way though for 30 plus years .. this isn't new.
MIL likes to lament how useless he is. Well, hell he's been that way for almost the 40 years they've been married. Wouldn't you think if she was ever going to deem him as someone that is *uselss* (her view) .. that would've been more of a problem for her to vocalize back in the day when SIL was running like a mad woman, being the sole breadwinner of their household and the, essentially, only parent .. as he was on disability income, and for the most part, .. just a shell of a human he was then, and is today.
I know she didn't like it then, .. would verbalize same, some. But this is like a whole other level .. that she laments it all, these days. He isn't "useless". He balances their checkbook, he helps pay the bills, .. he does what you ask of him (but you do have to ask) such as wash the dinner dishes .. or take out the garbage .. or go to Walgreens and get x, y and z. He does what one asks of him .. and without hesitation, very willingly, but he does have to be asked. He's not what I would call *useless*, but boy does she define him that way. Shame.
SIL and he, despite it all, manage to do things together, that they enjoy, museums, concerts, plays, travel .. visit with friends, etc etc etc. He isn't some lump of coal .. he is a person with interests and someone that SIL does enjoy.
Wish MIL could see it that way. I have tried to counter all her negativity as listed above, .. with the remarks said here. Doesn't do any good.
Don't tell her about it. just get it set up up with suitable pieces of her own furniture.
After she has been at SIL's for about a week walk her round the corner to her new apartment.
Let her look around ad request anything else she may need. then take her back to SIL's and tell her when move in date will be and who has been hired to provide the necessary help including walking the dog.
If SIL can't provide transport hire some one to do it.
Before the move to IL make sure SIL has POA financial and health and get a HIPPA release so SIL can talk to her Drs. St up a checking account with SIL on it as a signatory.
Have MIL's mail sent to SIL's house or a PO box.
Go over bills every week to make sure they are paid and she is not being scammed out of money.
Yes she will scream bloody murder and refuse to do any of this, but her kids have to stand firm and put her in a position where she has no choice.
Yes I do know what I am talking about because all this has just happened to me and I was quite happy to hand over the reigns to eldest daughter. Can't say I liked everything but recognized what was good for me in the long run. What a relief to hand over the responsibilities.
Now I have a beautiful new home and a live in caretaker who tends to my every need.
If they have been married that long and do things together, he must be doing SOMETHING right.
"Specialty dog food .. the other day it was the special chicken salad she wants and a haircut .. and the few days before that it was yet another follow up vet visit .. it's every few days .. someone is having to hop to that beat .. and get to steppin."
And now you've shown that you will do some of that stepping and fetching on a day other than Thursday.
I thought it was pretty nervy of her to ask for the chicken salad the other day, when she already had gotten a free haircut (while putting others out considerably). And then DD told you YOU had to pay. Why? If MIL wanted the takeout chicken salad, why didn't SHE pay???
When will it stop with this woman?
I really feel badly for SIL's H. Suppose MIL actually gets up to IL, and she is nasty to SIL's H. Is SIL going to do anything about it? Would she really bring her back to FL?