I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Hooray DH. Reality 101!
I asked him, "did that then bring about from her, .. as it does with me when I redirect things .. a realization on her part .. at least for the moment .. that we're right .. we're all right, she needs to do this".
He said no ...... said his mom said, rather snide like and smart azz .. as if a kid, "yes well I have to go leave my nice quiet/peaceful home me and poochy ambling about here, and go there where it's going to be noisy ... and chaotic .. and I don't think all this is necessary ..... (and said with all the smart azz and snide tone of a kid who's been told they can't drive because .... her words then) ... "and because I might fall ............. I have to go there, because I might fall".
DH said he responded to that, .. "Mom you are a fall risk! You fall all the time, you fell in the den, you fell in the garage ... hell you fell in your bedroom behind a locked door and I had to come take the doorknob off to get to you ........ you say it all the time, that you're a hair's breath from falling, I've heard those words from your mouth a thousand times".
HOORAY DH! Again, Reality 101.
Asked him again, did she then see the wisdom of this approach. No .. he said he just let her amble on and complain about it, and didn't counter any further .. just let her ramble, all the while knowing .. "yep .. complain all ya want . not gonna change it .. you're GOING".
His words to me, "I'm over it with this complaint of her's that it's gonna be noisy and chaotic there with the work SIL is having done .. I've told her now 3 x's or more .. yes it will be .. for ABOUT A WEEK ............ it's not like this is gonna be your life going forward from here to the end of time ............ it's not the end of the world .. SIL can't afford to have workers there upending things forever and ever and ever .. they will be there for a week maybe .. and then it'll be done .. and over with, I'm done with that complaint .. done hearing it .......... I'm just done arguing that point with her . that she's gonna leave (he does the finger quotes thing) her nice quiet/peaceful home for that noise and chaos ... I'm over it. Why my sister even told her any of that ............. just get her azz there and then ...... when it's too late ... let her deal with it, which is what she'll do in the end any damn way ... deal with it".
I said to him, .. "well you didn't ask MO .. but it's MO that your sister threw that curve ball out there, in the hopes someone would bite ... and this could be taken off the table as a plan going forward ... she was hoping ... at least that's my thoughts ........ that someone would bite the hook of *oh no no .. no that can't be, not when mother is there .. no .. you go ahead and get that work done .. don't worry about retrieving her .. it will be too much for her to deal with, just leave her here, .. that was your sister's intent in even bringing it up ....... ".
He only replied, "I wish to h#!! she'd of not even thrown that into the damn mix .. mother doesn't even need to know there will be work ongoing there, .. not like she's paying for it, and/or lining up just the right pros to address it .. or dealing with them on site ... she didn't even need to know this crap ........ sister should've left that off the table, I'm done hearing about it".
My response: "Well, hear that complaint, I'll tell her to ask her daughter to put it off". HA! As if. Won't happen.
The reality of it all, .. at least in this moment .. dawning on him too, as he deals with and addresses his mom's various "issues" with all this.
I know it must be supremely frustrating for her. I recall this time last year when that topic was approached .. her in the hospital ..and it got nasty .. her being very ugly to him and basically telling him that she's NOT gonna be treated as if she doesn't have a brain in her head to make her own decisions and if that's how he feels he can just leave .......
And he dropped it, never to be mentioned again.
And then of course, we had the supposed departure (I mean afterall we can't bring her here in the dead of winter) ...... supposed April departure that came and went, saw her still here. And my having blown a gasket over it .. and then selling me .. or trying to ............. "she has a team now, .. she's reaching out to others .......", dealing with DH's anger at me, for my insistence ...... and him having blown back at me, "Nothing will work for you, short of putting her in a nursing home somewhere will it?". Which was never my approach. Easier I guess to turn that dial of anger back at me, .. rather than deal with the fact that your mother needs more help than I can continue to provide her. I don't try to mandate who does what .. and how .. nursing homes or whatever .. not up to me.
But boy did it dial right back at me ............ and then try to sell me that there is now a "team MIL", which of course, I predicted wouldn't come to pass, and it didn't.
From where I sit .. at least in this moment .. (might change at any moment .. God knows it usually does) ...... it's rather refreshing to see that all the excuses and all the obfuscating and all the anger and argument coming from MIL's corner as to why this shouldn't have to be, .. all of it .. not working, not anymore, not at this moment.
Yep .. can't bring her in the dead of winter, that worked for a while didn't it. Let's don't even go there, that this is someone who is home bound .. dead of winter in Antarctica wouldn't matter ............ she is HOMEBOUND ........... not like she' goes jogging every day and cold climates are going to be an impact to her existence.
At one time the argument was "I will never go to stay with SIL ...... I'm just not going to do that, ever ... I can't be there in her husband's presence and watch all that .. and be a party to it all . .. it's more than I can do ........... I'm never going there". At one time that approach worked. Doesn't any longer.
At one time, .. it was "team MIL" is now gonna be a part of the bigger picture ....
All measures that were attempts at staving all this off, and it worked.
SIL ............ I think ........... thought this construction project at her home, would buy some time to stave this off once again. Didn't work. Not this time. (at least in this moment, I suppose MIL could call me at any moment and tell me, and the alarm security guy and the church lady and any damn body else she cares to tell, I'm not going any damn where and you can all go straight to H#!! if you think I am) and it'd be over.
But at least in this moment .. it is refreshing to see .. that the others in this picture, .. at least DH ......... who has been so a sideline sitter in it all ......... and not taking any demonstrative action or words to approach it .. has stepped up and is in fact, addressing it. And .. at least in this moment, .. it looks as though, protest though she may .. and obfuscate as SIL would like to do ........... nope .. not gonna stave it off this time.
At least for now ..............
Had my own elderly drama yesterday. My aunt, whom I have mentioned here and is SOOOO much like your MIL, has CHF and PF. She is living in an ALF.
She has been doing so well there, getting healthy meals and regular exercise and socialization. She decided she was "getting well." She decided she no longer needs to wear her oxygen all the time, despite her heart and lung doctors telling her to wear it 24/7. Well, she had a shortness of breath episode that required an ambulance ride to the ER. Several hours later she is back at the ALF saying "I won't do that again." But, those words have been spoken by her many, many times before.
That "talk: with Dh had me rolling my eyes so hard it gave me a headache. Did she really think she hit a nerve with him? I mean, he is off board as he possible can be w/o completely stepping away and she's crying her crocodile tears over having to "visit" her DD's (no doubt) very lovely home.
All that did was to solidify DH's vague awareness that she is crazy, but it sounds like he was ready for it.
She's not on the plane yet, doubt the tickets have been bought, even. Doubt anyone has checked with the airline to make sure Poochy's records are in order--and oh, has anyone checked to see is said flight is "full" as far as service animals? There is a limit. People don't want to fly in a freaking kennel.
I would totally harden my heart to her. Let her know, as you are doing..that you ALL NEED A BREAK. I know she's not the most self aware of people and she honestly cannot see how she drains the life out of so many people, just so she can be "happy". Sometimes that "come to Jesus" moments is MANY moments, but you must remain firm.
As a going away gift, I would go buy her 2-3 new sets of nighties, or pjs, whatever she wears.. I's gather up all her others and have them taken to the cleaners and starched! Then present her with this going away gift. Top is off with the cheapest, simplest to use digital camera and tell her to take pics of everything during her adventure.
Let he know she'll be missed, but let her know she'll be back (I'm so sorry). And the kick back and relax!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And please, please, please tell SIL you don't need 20 daily texts to see how she's doing. You're on vacation from her!!!
If she dies while in IL..well, OK. People die in IL everyday, I would imagine. God isn't too picky about where you're living when the time is up.
AS far as the actual day of departure, should that ever really happen--- I'd be sure to get a mild sedative or 20 for her trip. She'll be wheelchair bound, so falling wouldn't be an issue. We've had to surreptitiously sedate mother many times to get her to do stuff she has to do. I hate it, but she's a lot better when she's calmer.
16 days. Hanging on for you.
And I have to add--my grandmother took a "round the world cruise" at the age of 86 with some friends. Just went. She had a grand time.
Age, for many people, is truly just a number, It has no bearing on their happiness levels. I feel your MIL has been a crabby 88 since she was 40.
Dorker, we are cheering for you. I'm going to make myself a yummy peach daquiri and celebrate on your behalf when MIL finally does get on the plane.
I was wondering, Dorker...and I realize that of course you might not know, it's not your place to know or ask, etc., because she's not your mother...BUT...
Do you think SIL would ever allow MIL to go into a facility? We know H's thoughts about it ("...we're not throwing you into some institution"). But what about SIL? Could she tolerate someone ELSE managing MIL if she were in a facility? Suppose MIL became immobile/bedbound. Would SIL realize that she couldn't handle the physical caregiving at that point? Or would she attempt it? Doesn't she have a bad back?
It doesn't seem like there is the $ for in-home help to the extent it would be needed if MIL were bedbound. And getting Medicaid help for MIL who is NOT an established IL resident would be quite the feat.
As you have written, to your knowledge there has been no movement to get MIL Medicaid-qualified. Perhaps that is because no one has any intention that she ever enter a facility?
All I know is that at one point, maybe some of you remember, it was back in October and MIL made her grand announcement at that point .. and called everyone who is anyone .. (except me) to announce .. w/all the fanfare due her of such royal existence, that she's made a decision that she wants her daughter looking for an AL for her.
At that time, I was more in communication with SIL as to the MIL goings on. And her input on that topic ... as we batted around, AL here .. ???.... AL at all, etc. Her input: "Well I think it's gonna be important that she's in a site here ... so that I can keep a finger on the pulse of her life and help her .. it won't do any good for her to be in an AL there, I'd still have to travel back and forth".
Where the above notion went, with her grand announcement, and any "plan" or lack thereof. Lost on me. I don't know. Any legwork done on behalf of how to obtain Medicaid funding for what is a FL resident ... lost on me. Likely, none.
I know that SIL's daughter has campaigned hard (she of the world traveler sort and not really at all engaged in anything .. other than making sure her dog sitter mom is at her disposal) .. she has campaigned hard that she doesn't want MIL there ...
Why? Her balking falls along the lines that her mother will work herself into an early grave. Her balking includes ... "It's just a different culture here in the midwest, .. rather than in the south where g'ma was born and raised .. I just don't know that she can acclimate here .. the climate is different, just everything, the culture, all of it ... ".
Has SIL's daughter convinced her that the midwest and placement there as to AL .. not a good idea, and de-railed anything that might've once been thought to be a good approach .. I don't know.
MO .... I think SIL's daughter, .. green chair and all, that we all are ............ she doesn't want g'ma up there, to impede the dog sitting that is at the ready absent MIL's presence there. Selfish and self serving, period. That's MO. Whatever though. Not my kettle of fish to fry.
And no, I will be surprised if dog sitting is as ready as would normally be the case, if MIL is in residence there. MIL bringing her doggie .. and SIL's daughter has 3. That's a lot, 4 dogs in one house .. and a frail old fall risk woman ... doesn't sound like a great plan to me.
I will, however, be very interested, if and when MIL ever exits for IL .. just how much is SIL's prima donna daughter called upon to pitch in. SIL sure doesn't mind engaging the daughters here on this front .. let's see if she'll do so for prima donna. I highly doubt it.
Every freaking day she has a new "epiphany about how she is about to change her life "i know what I need to do and I am going to do it"...
She's 25.
OMG, This girl is a mini-MIL! Her hubby runs his feet off trying to fix all her woes and problems. (Yes, she had VERY mild, totally drug controlled epilepsy, so she can't drive. That's it.She simply does not want to be anything but a wifey. And one that just sits all day and waits for snoogums to come home from work and cuddle her.
Watching her over the past 14 months--she has NEVER had a complete week in which she is remotely functional. She sleeps about 20 hours a day and harangues neighbors the other 4 with her needs and wants. (Through her enabler, her hubby. ) (BTW, we're all getting wise and not taking their calls)
I actually shared a little bit of Dorker's situation with her, mistakenly thinking this girl has to have some sense of a world where she is not number one.
Nope, but is did make me realize that what Dorker has on her hands is not all that uncommon. Somehow this girl feels totally entitled to all this special care...and she ain't that special. I have no doubt her hubby is thinking seriously of leaving her on her parent's doorstep. Just recently (last week) hubby had facilitated a job for her. 15 hours a week, so not much. I told him that was good and then said "So, how is she going to get OUT of actually going to said job?" She "fell" and re-injured her foot. Back into the cast.
MIL is 88, she HAS lived a life and it has been, until recent years, a fulfilling and "good" one. I look at our "kitten" and just cringe--it's like your MIL coached this precious little thing to be the huge burden that she is.
No great comments here--just, this whole lengthy post of Dorker's has made me SO AWARE of what I DO NOT want to be--for myself, my kids, my grandkids---and I do believe it is through choice that it gets that way.
I am at a loss, really. Not one person in this world has my "back" so to speak. Nobody is fussing at me and concerned about me and never have been. This whole drama has been unfathomable to me--from the 1st post to this one. I'm sure I'm not alone, either.
And no I have no clue if someone has brought her popcorn per her request via me .. last week that I refused. I did tell all in my family that she's requesting same, and the answer is no .. a resounding no . it's horrible for her.
Did she summon the church lady to do so ..??? Church lady was there yesterday for a lengthy visit.
Did she summon a neighbor ...????.... a MOW driver ...
No popcorn at all on board .. this is just viral .. .???... who the heck knows.
I did make it abundantly clear that the Thursday appt .. for cardio that SIL wants me to see about getting her to. Diarrhea still a factor, I won't be there. That I'm around babies .. (babies who have been sick far too much frequently for the mom's liking .. far too many sleepless restless nights with whiny fevered babies .. I'm not bringing anything to that household .. in the way of any virus .. won't be going there if Diarrhea still at issue)
Midkid .. I think my life is somewhat similar in that I don't have anyone fussing over me, nor will I ever. I think they "care" .. but when I'm sick or under the weather, in general .. I'm on my own .. to muddle through. Nobody bringing me a pot of soup .. and nursing me along. So be it.
The only thing I can say .. a story that was related so long ago I don't remember when.
DH's family . in his youth .. the family did a lot of camping as recreation. At one point in time, in the beginning of those camping adventures, this was tent camping.
It was told that they'd drive around the campground .. and scope out just the perfect spot to erect the tent .. ahhh .. but not so fast .... MIL would then insist on letting her out to check out the restroom facilities and didn't matter if the tent site was suitable, if the bathroom wasn't, .. keep driving, keep searching ..
More than once, .. they'd find the site to erect the tent .. and it's notorious in this family .. she'd return from the bathroom .. them now working to erect the tent ..only to find a stump or bolder or some other something that wasn't suitable lto her, for said site ..and now .. load it all back into the auto . and keep driving around looking.
I never had the luxury of that kinda fussbucket ... ability.
I'd of been told, "this site looks great, .. go sleep in the car if it doesn't work for you". Zero interest in pandering to my whims.
Just an interesting little story thru the years .. of their happenings .. ahhh .. but one that ties in so succinctly with what goes on at present.
What mother wants, mother gets .. always.
Midkid...that neighbor needs to get up and get moving!! Mild epilepsy will keep a person from driving until they are seizure free for a certain length of time (depends on the state). As to her being 25 and everyone waiting on her! Ridiculous!!! If this is a new thing and she is getting adjusted to her meds I can see her needing help for a while. My epilepsy (which is dormant right now) surfaced when I was 29 and had my first stroke. Once the meds had settled in I began my own therapy and was driving within a year of being med controlled. It is very hard to understand so of the youngsters now days. There are some great kiddos out there and there are some that feel that are entitled.
Midkid and Dorker…. I am like you...no one to take care of me when I am sick or hurt. I messed my back/hip up again helping my honey get into the men's room yesterday at the doctor office (in the hallway with a heavy door...ugh). Mentioned I was having a problem today and my honey went off into a spiel about how he had over done it yesterday. I just ignored it, but still had to do my normal daily "chores" and cooking etc.... oh, well.
I know it’s only Wednesday. And stepping and fetching is a no-no. But in this case - the end justifies the means. If it gets mil on the plane - that’s all that matters.
Run. Don’t walk. RUN to the local Walgreens and buy the biggest
size available: Pepto Bismol, Kaopectate, Imodium... Hell, I’ve even heard that Archway Coconut Macaroons work miracles...
Then go all ReCon. Seek and destroy anything in MILs house that could be used to...umm... stir up trouble.
If the thought of doing this
chaps your hide - just keep chanting to yourself “must get mil on plane, must get mil on plane...”
ps: don’t forget the Pedialyte ;)
Dorker does Thursdays. That's it. The rest of it, from grand strategy to daily manoeuvres, not on Dorker's radar. Big blank. Not Her Circus. MIL gets on the plane, great. MIL doesn't get on the plane, not so good for MIL but Dorker still does Thursdays and can be entirely unsurprised.
Just float. How many days to go to the, um, planned flight?
She should be well-recovered by the time she goes to IL, right?
It will be interesting to find out if SIL has actually made those plane reservations. I guess if you go to MIL's tomorrow (if she's well enough; you're not going if she's still sick), you will probably find out, right? MIL will probably pour on the pity performance for you.
I assume you asked around to see if anyone brought her popcorn.
I would do some stealthy snooping in her garbage and cabinets while there on Thurs. So, what will you say to her if you find out she did have popcorn?
If she DID get popcorn, she deserves a butt-chewing like never before. Heck, I would also stay away for a couple of Thursdays if I knew for sure she did that.
Since it really is important that she goes, better accentuate the positive about what to look forward to - change of air, change of scene, absence of hurricane warnings*, enjoy daughter's unstressed company for once - and not engage with her reservations. But don't roll your eyes at them, either. The heartsink is no doubt genuine.
*Note, it's not hurricanes that bother her. It's the upheaval when there's the threat of one - all that emergency kerfuffle, and usually (thank God) for nothing.
That cannot possibly be the case. She knows better than to eat popcorn, .. nuts/seeds, etc. She knows better, but asked me, last week when I was there, to get her some popcorn and was told no, and the reason(s) why.
Were I to find out that somehow, she summoned someone there with popcorn for her, .... oh I'd be so livid and likely yea, .. I'd be absent a while from that scene.
That's probably a big "reach" on my part, to think that could be at the root of all this. Maybe it's just some bug that has hopped on.
Notice however, that this time ... I did "tell" not ask for input and/or conversation, ... "told" SIL ... "Well I can tell you that on Thursday when I am to go there, if that's still an issue, I won't be there .... DD has had a time in recent weeks with sick babies and fevers and sleepless nights .. and I am not gonna put myself in the proximity of someone I know is sick, only to carry it to the babies and that household .. not gonna do it, so that cardio appt .. it'll have to be rescheduled if she's still ill, I won't be seeing to that".
This because the text I got from her, .. not poor mom .. not oh no mom is sick with diarrhea again ... it was "just a heads up to you guys, mom says she's had diarrhea now for a couple of days .. didn't want to bother anyone but she called me, question about her bathroom rugs and washing them .. got some crap on them .. says she's trying to stay hydrated .. she sounds so worn out ... I sure hope she can be well for that cardio appt on Thursday, had to fight tooth and nail to get that appt".
Thus my answer to her, that I won't be facilitating a cardio appt around someone ill with some kinda bug that I could possibly carry to DD's household.
DD has been so taxed in recent weeks with sickness in her household and her kids. I see her world .. and how it all works. She needs help .. and I do so .. when/where she requests my help. That puts me in their presence ..
I can deal with it, if I were to catch a bug .. but I don't wanna bring any possibility of that to her doorstep if I can prevent it.
There was a time I was courteous enough to apply some give and take and conversational dialogue about the way things transpire and I'd of sought some input from SIL, "oh geeze .. man .. what do you think, that cardio appt .. I know you had to pull teeth to get it, but I'm really concerned about going there, in her presence .. what do you think?"
Allow her some input into it all.
Not any longer.
A decision gets made .. back in April .. no input sought here on this end, to leave status quo ... gotcha duly noted!
A decision gets made that rather than come and retrieve MIL the first of August, which had been the theme underlying all of this for months now .. gets put off, to "dog sit" ... no input sought as to whether that works. Gotcha duly noted!
I can play that game too. Nope .. .any word that's still at issue .. and I won't be in that proximity. No . if she needs anything .. such as some jello or some Pedialyte or whatever, .. yep ... I'll hop by and drop it off, .. and leave it for her to amble around and put away .. but climbing into a car with her to cart her to the cardio appt .. won't be on me ...
Who cleans her up when these things happen? She does, .. I have no idea whether that is a thorough job that's seen to, and I won't be checking that either. And obviously she has an issue with having now soiled her bathroom rugs (seems anytime she's plagued with this specific disorder, which in her case, happens pretty frequently - diverticulitis - she does seem to struggle with getting to the bathroom on time and there is generally a mess ensued).
Who cleans the "mess". Her, .. I suppose. How thorough? I don't know ..
There was a time I'd go ck her bathroom, found some need to clean .. no longer though ... don't do it now
Nobody had said ... exactly when this dog sitting was to occur, not at that point .. But .. all along .. this retrieving her mom has been put off and put off and put off and put off .. time and time again ... and I heard that from MIL and saw red.
So then later .. when talking to DH ... in the next few days .. it then becomes evident .. that she texted her brother (not me mind you, her brother, who she knows damn well doesn't counter and/or respond) .. it will be 3 or 4 weeks before she can retrieve her mom. That was mid July.
At that point, there were no dates mentioned ... it was just a vague "it will be 3 or 4 weeks before I can get to FL to get mom". Just vague ..
I asked DH, .. "Did she bother to tell you the reason is so she can stay home and dog sit?". His answer: "no".
"Did you answer her, and ask specifically when, she is coming?"
Answer; "No".
(of course not .. texts from sister are to be ignored, just ask him)
I saw white hot red.
Began blowing my stack .... "so ...??...... all along here, this thing was supposed to have been up and running and retrieving MIL beginning August .. now it just gets left with a vague .. 3 or 4 weeks ... maybe . maybe not .. who the hell knows, right?".
DH .. his input, .. "Dorker she's just doing the best she can .. you know my sister is a damn doormat to her kids ... she's not gonna say no".
At that point .. I was livid .. (first off that she texts this to the one person in all this she knows won't counter, but further .. that it just gets decided on her part, no input sought .. livid).
At that point, I responded to him, "oh okay ........... so she's just doing the best she can .. gotcha ... duly noted DH ............ we'll all just do the best we can .. that seems to be the mantra in it all .... duly noted, I'll follow suit".
I walked away at that point .. no waiting for any rebuttal.
There ya have it ... so now .. we are staring down the barrel of a MIL that needs to get to that cardio doc .. so that the cardio doc will write that all important script for any rx's .. for the next few months she'll be absent here .. and further, a script for PT .......
When I said, "so we're all gonna do just what we want .. gotcha duly noted".
This is what that looks like. I don't seek input any longer .. if I find it suitable to refuse to go there, to retrieve MIL for an all important appt at the doc .. then that's what suits me, .. doing the "best I can".
Green chairs and all ...............
As far as I'm concerned, today is August 1.
There should've been, at the very least ... some courtesy of some conversation around it all, there was none. She should've planned on being here, .. at this point in time .. to attend to and retrieve her mom. So fine ... that doesn't work for her .. in what she wants to do in her world .. gotcha. Same applies in my world. Even more so, in fact, not my mom.
So there ya have it.
Maybe if this were someone that all their lives you've known them to struggle with doing so .. just not a real good traveler .. doesn't like going to someone else's abode ..
Not the case here. She .. yes .. she was younger, more mobile .. not nearly as many health issues at that time .. used to routinely travel to her daughter's home ... and stay for two and three week stints .. numerous times in the span of a year, each year.
So .. going to her daughter's home .. was never a problem in years past. And .. further .... it's not like she's being asked to travel to someone's home who has blinders on and is not at all helpful to her .. and/or oblivious to her needs .. here she is this aged/frail woman and she's now in the company and under the roof of someone who flitters about their own life .. absent any concern whatsoever, as to her struggles and leaves her be, to fend for herself.
Not at all the case. Not by any stretch.
So .. for me, it's a struggle to wrap my brain around how hard this must be for her. It truly is.
Yes, she is now compromised .. far more .. than in years past when she used to do so .. by far. She is. And thus, life is a whole lot harder for her and her daily existence. I get that. Very much I do.
And like I said, were this someone oblivious and uncaring and aloof as to her and her needs .. and everyone looking at shipping her off to said setting .. knowing full well on the other end awaits her .. someone that doesn't give a crap about how she ambulates or doesn't .. yes .. maybe there'd be some ability to recognize how awful this is.
That isn't the case. Thus, little sympathy from me. Sorry!
She also takes the Lasix (yea right) which is rx'd by cardio doc ... and I'm sure it's SIL's intent to make sure that's on board and a part of the scene daily .. in her presence.
MIL doesn't do so when left to her own .. to manage .. but that's beside the point .... ya know.
Thus, a need to get to the Cardio doc for rx's for same ..
And as to the PT .. she did participate in ............ at home PT .. subsequent to that fall at xmas .. and SIL here in attendance on the scene for 4 months as her mom convalesced. It was at the point SIL was leaving to return to IL .. that's when PT team said she'd do best now, to go to on-site PT .. 3x's weekly.
MIL's options at that point .. either engage Team MIL (which we know doesn't really exist .. is a pipe dream) ............. and/or ............ she can utilize some fashion/form of public transport .. as Dorker wasn't stepping up to the plate to facilitate 3 x's weekly to a PT site. Dorker does Thursdays .. i.e. ... if you find that you can schedule 1 of those 3 x's weekly .. on said Thursday .. let's go .. got it .. but the other two times, .. see above .. Team MIL (yea right) ............ or public transport.
MIL declined ........... (she's too good for that).
SIL left to return to her home in IL .................... no real way to see to this recommendation of 3 x's weekly as to the on site PT.
So now, she is to retrieve her mom .. it's August ......... that's what's been on the radar now for months .. having bailed out on the April departure .. having bailed on any departure in the dead of winter (I mean .. MIL wouldn't be able to jog daily . it's far too cold) .. having bailed out on any departure last fall .. "she'll manage, she doesn't want to leave, .. she'll be okay, .. she's so stubborn .. I don't know what we're gonna do with her, .. ".
Thus, I guess, SIL now wanting to get that PT back on the radar .. once she has her in her own clutches in IL and willing/able to transport 3 x's weekly or whatever it is.
I have my doubts MIL will be able to do any damn thing 3 x's weekly ...........
Maybe I"m wrong .. .and maybe PT will see her strengthened and more stamina .. to do such things ..
But what I see, what I experience .. just one appt a week .......... just one ................ and it's all she can do to get dressed .. and functional and ambulatory to see to it.
I’m really hoping this isn’t popcorn induced. Did the babies have any signs to a Tummy Bug when you guys were there last week? I know one ran a fever that day.
Has DH run by to check on his Mom yet?
No and no.
Babies were ultimately hauled to doc with fevers that wouldn't subside.
No symptoms ...just cranky and fevered.
Might be thought teething ....and maybe that was it in the end. But fever was higher than one might see for teething.
Nothing was found ... No strep, no ear infection, no tummy troubles ongoing.
They are well now.
Would like to keep it that way.
No. DH tried to call his mom last night a few times.
Rang into infinity. Indication she's on the phone and she doesn't click over.
He gave up and went to bed
He is at work presently ...may call her today to ck....may not ....I dunno.
If H doesn't care about her diarrhea, then don't you care, either. Are you going to call her later today to see if she still has it or wait until tomorrow morning so you know whether or not you will be hauling her to the cardio?
Very well could be a flare up of diverticulitis .. which of course isn't contagious at all. But ... one never knows with these things. No need to risk getting g'daughter ill, to take it to her home and siblings in case. Thus, .. I won't be running supplies there today, already spoken for. If she needs such, DH can see to it, or "team mil", .......... (yea right), or neighbors, or MOW drivers .. whatever!
My plan at this point is to ignore any texts from SIL ....
And I will call MIL later myself. Hate to do so, to do so one is stuck on the phone with her as she then begins telling you her life history. I will ascertain from her, myself .. whether this is still an issue and if so, I will inform her I'm cancelling tomorrow's appt and explain I won't be there.
Why would I offer? Because counting on she, who doesn't manage well, to do it .. and then re-schedule, if needed .. and for a "THURSDAY ONLY" .......... is more than she is capable of navigating. I'll do it myself ... and if they have no Thursdays . .between now and when SIL is to retrieve her, I'll try and navigate the need .. that would've been seen to ... "she needs x, y and z, .. and is leaving town what do you recommend we do".
And then report back to MIL ................. NOT to SIL.
It seems like I'm playing games here and I'm not. Ya'll have to remember this really began ... before the summer of 2016 ....... somewhat ....... but really began .. to be on the radar about that time .. and my politely, discreetly ... I thought *helpfully* ..... suggesting this was becoming too much .. she needs more help.
At that time, ... there was a family affair scheduled on my end ... my mom's 75th bday and all of us to gather in a central location out of town, hotels/restaurant, etc.
MIL fell ........ in the days prior ......... why? She'd been sick with .. the never ending recurrence of diarrhea she is plagued with. She'd been trying to make it hurriedly to the bathroom and fell. In the days (hell, months for that matter) .. prior .. she plagued with the above ... failed to manage .. not hydrating .. not eating properly .. so forth .. med compliance always an issue ..
I had begun prior to even the above to make some noise (politely) .. that this isn't working, .. she doesn't manage on her own. Twas met for a long long time with, "now I will manage here, I know what I must do and I must take good care of myself and I will do it", and her daughter with .. "She's just so stubborn, I don't know what we can do with her", .. and status quo remained ....
The family event on my end, got up ended with all the above .. my having to MIL sit ......... her convalescing from the fall .. I had to sit .. daily and DH nightly ... as she recuperated.
I did go to the event ... but later than I would've otherwise gone .. and missed some of being with MY family in this whole thing. DH did not go .. had to stay behind to convalesce his mom. In those days it was routine that my world could be upended on a moment's notice .. be that dog need/MIL need .. you name it .. no ability to make a plan for myself and my world.
That was the summer/2016. Then of course, from there forward .. noise being made politely. And then DD pregnant with twins .. and my noise increasing.
Here we are summer 2018 .. and there is at least "hope" things may turn, but you see all the obstinance .. ongoing.
No stepping and fetching means no stepping and fetching. Boundaries. I’ll be the first to admit boundaries with my own mother was something I struggled mightily with - and two years past her own trip on the cloud I’m still - still(!!!) dealing with my anger at her.
So, okay. I get it.
I guess I'm just built differently and in all likelihood extremely flawed from the intense grooming I received in childhood- with lifelong refresher courses - to be my mothers stooge, serf, and all-around lackey.
STILL - I have to admit, if it were me - I’d let mil climb on my back and carry her piggyback all the way to SILs if it meant she’d be out of my atmosphere for a few months.
But that’s just me. Flaws and all.
If it's viral, keep, it will run its course in a few days. If it's a diverticulitis flareup, that too will pass.
To be on the safe side, I wouldn't get near her. Tell her to throw the rugs away, since there's no one there to bleach them. I highly doubt she is capable of cleaning a bathroom after this. We lived for 23 years with a daughter who has constant tummy problems, the doorknobs, all the floors, the kitchen sink, her bedding--it's really a nightmare. THEN the dang virus mutates and we'd start all over again, Luckily everyone else in the family seems to have pretty tough guts.
Pay that cleaning lady double and get to get down and dirty in those areas with bleach once the active sickness has passed. I am not saying this to protect anyone but you and the kids, Dorker.
2 weeks should be ample time to get over dengue fever for heaven's sake. I think she's ramping up to something worse, so she won't have to leave. I'm snarky enough that if this was MY MIL, and she was "so sick" I'd cancel the flight and rent a car. Let MIL know she really has no options now. She's had you all dancing and singing to her tune for so many years, I wouldn't put ANYTHING past her.
And yes. Any meds that her cardio doc is prescribing can be sent across state lines. Only problem can be schedule 3&4 but she 's not taking Morphine, she's on Lasik!!
For somebody who wants to die, she sure works hard to stay here.
(On the side, about my neighbor, the kitten. She had brain surgery for her epilepsy at the age of 14. Is on a very low dose of one med. Says it makes her weak and sleepy. BUT, last year she went to Japan for 3 weeks and walked around in flip flops day after day. Day she got home, she fell down the stairs again...and went back to bed for a month. I broke my FOOT 8 weeks ago, didn't even have it xrayed for a couple weeks and when I found out, I went "Oh, ok, Put a walking shoe on and kept going. Not one day spent in bed. Her hubby came over while I was doing yardwork and he saw the shoe and said "why aren't you in bed?" and I said "There's nothing wrong with me. The shoe stabilizes my foot and feels good to walk around." He was offering to mow my lawn, weed, etc, which was sweet of him, but he has his own problems.
I don't think she is "the usual". I know too many very focused, hard working kids to think she's the norm. I'm REALLY tough on her, no sympathy, no "poor baby". She doesn't come around much.
It takes an ENABLER to make this kind of helpless person. And many years of training them to BE your enabler.
Dorker, she wouldn't go so far as to actually FALL, would she, just to avoid getting on that plane? Of course, if she's rushing to get to the bathroom, that is a good way to fall.
Say she actually does get to IL on Aug 23. She will be returned before the cold weather hits, right? How long will it be. Until November? So 2 - 2.5 months in IL?
Could MIL be so nasty to SIL's H that she is returned sooner, regardless of hurricane danger? Could MIL be so cunning as to plan to do that?
(Maybe SIL's DaughterWithDogs is planning to send a Popcorn Factory package to MIL, since she doesn't want MIL coming to IL?)
Wow. Just WOW. What a camping story! How did they ever find anywhere perfect enough for her to actually get the tent up and stay there??
Which makes me wonder... If there is any place on earth that will be perfect enough for MIL now? Definitely Not SIL's place... Only her house, right? That is perfectly set up for her!
Keep feeling like she won't be going anywhere, anytime soon. Safety be darned. She has conditioned her family to let her be the ultimate judge... of everything. She doesn't care what anyone else thinks. Sadly.
I sincerely understand because my parents are similar. The only way they will leave their home is dragged by the hair at gunpoint... kicking and screaming -
Hang in there.
Sparkles.