I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
She may go, she may not, but ultimately little that you can do about it other than stick to your boundaries for your own sanity, and do only what you are comfortable with, to avoid getting roped back in to the stepping and fetching.
She said she'd just gotten off the phone with her daughter, who is calling to cancel/re-schedule appt for cardio doc tomorrow.
Poor MIL (is there GOOD REASON I say this woman should not be living alone) .. to hear her tell it, .. first of course is that when she has to go, she should've already been there, .. there is no "holding it", it flies ....
And so there was, accdg to her .. (this was yesterday) ... chit everywhere ... literally everywhere ... and it took her 4 hours to clean it all up, .. stopping and resting .. and so forth (she can't stoop over, and bend over, .. she'll fall).
Not only that .. she sat on the commode doing her biz .. and the dog standing there watching all this ... and I guess puzzling over what's the issue here .. and hiked his leg and pee'd on the floor right in front of her .. (her unable to do a damn thing to stop it). Had to then also, clean that up.
Said the housekeeper has come .. and so the bathroom is once again sanitized but said she has washed out more underpants and PJ's than she thought she even owned, at this point.
In the meantime, got a text from SIL (I was going to try to handle all this, but I guess being tied up with my g'daughter .. it got usurped by SIL) she'd been in touch with the cardio doc office and cancelled for tomorrow and accdg to her had to beg them .. as they have no openings ... beg and plead .. next Thursday .. and so wanted to know if I can accommodate that. Yes, I will do so, next Thursday.
Told MIL I will gladly drive by and throw something in her door if she needs it, with a mask over my face .. but I won't be staying there, in the event this is viral... and I don't wanna carry it to my g'children that I spend a lot of time with.
So that's the update on that situation.
No, I don't really think she would purposely hurl herself into the floor to prevent a plane ride/exit outta here. She does however, do a good enough job just being that unsteady on her feet that it's a very real possibility she'd fall, and not intentionally.
Particularly when she .. doesn't hydrate well and weakens further from same, .. and .. more to the point, having to "rush" to get anywhere.
Fall risk .. extremely heightened at this point.
Yes, she does seem to be someone who can get tummy troubles at times of being anxious. So .. who knows .. maybe that's what is at work also. Who can say?
Give her anything for anxiety? Not sure that'd be a good idea for someone as unstable/unsteady as she is .. not unless she wants to take it at bed time where she'll, ostensibly be in the bed, and not at further risk of dizziness/fall.
Not that she'd take anything anyway .....
DH is going that way at some point, problem with her AC .. leaking in her garage. It's not a huge issue, one he deals with from time to time .. condensate line is frozen or something ... not anything extraordinary to deal with.
But .... I'm not going there .. on purpose, .. to stay away from and not risk .. any contagious diarrhea .. to bring to the g'kids ....
I told him SEVERAL times, ... PUHLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.............. don't go around her, ..stay in the garage ........
Explained to him that DD has dealt with, the past few weeks, one ailment after another in her kids .. and she doesn't need this brought to her doorstep .. you don't need to go catch this .. if it's contagious .. and you with the babies daddy in your truck, one of ya .. and then bring it to the kids.
Hopefully he's be cautious.
So I get a phone call from DH .. who is aware he will be going out there at some point to deal with AC issues at his mom's.
DH: "Have you gone to mom's yet?".
Me: "No, not going, remember I told you that I'm not going to put myself in her proximity and catch any bug she may have to bring it to the g'babies .. remember .. ".
DH: SIGH ........... "well chit!".
Me: "What's wrong?".
DH: "Sister is texting me that mother is almost out of Depends .. and she needs Gatorade and bananas .. and ... some Immodium .. and I'm gonna get there, but it'll be later today .. maybe even this evening before I can get there, I'm all the way on the other side of town and I don't have time to run all the way over there to Walgreens and get that and get it to her".
Me: "I'll go get it to her .. I told all of ya .. if she needs anything .. I'll run go get it and toss it in the door, but I'm not staying .. I'll toss it in the door and be gone as fast as I got there .. but I'll go get it".
DH: "Oh okay good .. well .. at least we can get that much done .. I'll be there later to look at her AC for her".
SO that was that.
SO I then text SIL to ask her what size Depends.
This opens up a whole other kettle of fish .. that she is worried about her mom that her mom had another bad bout this morning and chit spewed everywhere apparently .. her mom in tears .. doesn't feel good, she feels worried about her mom .. that she may need to hop on a plane right now .. and get here .. sooner than she'd wished .. but that she feels worried about her .. and ... that her daughter is dropping off the dogs today for what will be a week of training for her .. and that she doesn't know that her husband .. who has his own issues of being steady on his feet can handle the dogs .. and the workers are there taking down the paneling in the basement to expose the issues there in the walls .. and just so much stress ...
I only answered that with: "Hate it for ya, what size Depends".
She answered that: "I thought DH was going there".
ME: "He doesn't have time .. he'll go there later to look at the AC issue but he can't get there anytime soon .. I'll go get what she needs but I"m not sticking around .. to catch what she may have .. I'll toss it in the door and keep going, what size Depends".
Her: Answers as to the Depends then more on the above .. "I just hate all this, so much stress .. I haven't told mom much about the basement work .. and about hubby and his issues of balance .. she already feels like she's such a burden to all of us and wishes she could go on and die".
My answer; "We can only control what's in our control".
(((and as an aside, I call b'chit on the *haven't told mom much about the basement work to be done .. haven't told her about B and his issues with his own balance stuff)))
I call b'chit on both. Why is her mom then running it up the flagpole on the basement work to be done then. If she hasn't said much about it, .. their mom sure is using that as an excuse to stay in her quiet/tranquil home where she and her dog don't need to go up there to that chaos.
B'chit on the "haven't said much to her about B and his balance issues".
What she doesn't know is that when her son was here .. (she wasn't in the room). I asked her son .. and his wife (who'd just come from there) .. "So how's your dad doing now, I know he had that pinched nerve .. and had to do some PT and a leg brace thing and a cane .. how's that going".
Answer given: "Oh he's great, you can't even tell anything was wrong with him .. he's doing fine".
Me: "oh so he's not on a cane anymore, or that leg brace thing?".
Answer: "No, .. he doesn't use a cane anymore, he's fine .. no .. the leg brace is gone .. he's fine".
Okay so b'chit on the above.
So .. we have a fire drill on our hands at this point, the mother with diahrea that she can't deal with (she can't deal with any damn thing it's what I've been telling you folks
Oh but now there is a fire drill ongoing .. the mom with diahrea . in tears .. chit spewing .. and her ill equpped to deal with it and clean it up much less care for herself and hydrate properly and not fall .. and now there is .. in earnest, gnashing of teeth and wringing of hands.
Screw it.
I will go by there .. against what I know to be what is needed .. she needs someone there to nurse her along, keep her hydrating .. wash up and clean up any chit spewing .. and deal with her dog .. and all that goes along with a frail old woman that is unable to deal with all this .. I will go by there and toss into the door the items needed and be gone as fast as I got there, not even laying an eye on her, .. for all I know .. in the back, . buried in another pile of chit that has spewed for all I'll know.
I'll go get the Gatorade she won't drink .. I'll go get the bananas she won't eat .. I'll go get the Imodium she won't take ..a nd the Depends ..and ignore the obvious .. which is she is failing to manage here .. as her offspring continually do.
I mean afterall, the dogs and their care on SIL's end .. far more a priority .. as was "can't bring her in the dead of winter", ,.. as was "team MIL now in place".
Where's your team MIL at this point??!?!?
They over there holding hands and nursing along and wiping up chit in every direction?
Didn't think so.
SIL with her text: "So hard, so stressful, I have the workers here, taking down the paneling and exposing the issues with the basement .. B with his issues of balance and being unsteady and the dogs being brought here .. and I feel so worried about mother".
Me: "Hate it for ya".
Nothing further.
This family is a textbook of incompetence from chapter one to 30......
MIL having diarrhea is NOT THAT BIG OF DEAL. A dr could shut that down is a hot minute--probably a PHONE CALL to her PCP would get her something that would plug her right up. (As I previously stated, SIL is a GI doc and my daughter sure married the right guy--is she's "runny" he can treat it, if she's "stopped up" he treats that too.) Trust me, a couple of Zofran and she wouldn't poop for a week. My daughter takes one before flying anywhere. All the OTC things do "thicken" the stool, but don't "cure it". Time cures it. Time and the BRAT diet, which MIL could probably recite in her sleep.
The way she plays Russian Roulette with her Lasik no doubt feeds into the diarrhea--too much fluid in the gut, then too little---(another reason she has no business living alone!)
WHY can't SIL just tell her precious daughter, for once in her life that A PERSON takes precedent over dogs. Find a kennel and place the dogs. SIL then gets her butt to FL to deal with MIL and get her the heck out of Dodge.
(I actually know why, b/c MIL doesn't want it. She "hates it". Again, I am so overwhelmed by the song and dance routine for MIL. I can't even get my DH to get a Diet Coke for me. HOW in the world can so many fuss so few??)
And the construction--it's NOT where MIL will be hanging out, right? Big deal then. A little banging and sawing, too hard on this tender baby? AND construction jobs are NOTORIOUS for running WAY over schedule--a 2 week job can quickly become 2 months....could this be SIL's not so subtle way to put off MIL's visit until hurricane season is over?
Problem is, y'all put SIL in the driver's seat and then sit back and hate where she's driving you & your problem! (You Southerners! I love the sweetness--but I find the in-decision drives me to distraction)(Bless your hearts!)
I say, give her the car, the keys and a full tank of gas and tell her to drive your problem to IL for a few months and quit the malingering.
IF your SIL TRULY AND REALLY cared about her Mother--then she'd make her the priority not dogsitting, not house remodeling. She'd put her money where her mouth is a get her tuckus down to FL and get her mother--NOW.
Sorry for the harsh tones today--6 weeks since DH's last heart attack and he is beginning to come back---and my anxiety has bee through the roof for 6 full weeks. I'm not being real nice--and my hear goes out to you, Dorker. I know no one in this family would dare to really stand up to MIL.
2 weeks. 2 weeks. 2 weeks.......hang on.
What one enterovirus does to one person may be nothing--to another, it's horrible. To the babies---ugh. Just keep them away!
My suggestions in all this ... go unheard .. no need for me to call him with a reminder of same.
So, I did go and retrieve the items MIL needs .. and when I called her, to make sure her garage is accessible, so I can at least get in, throw the stuff on the table and leave (she keeps her home like Ft. Knox .. on lockdown, that includes the garage).
She sounds so pitiful. So weak, .. even began to cry when I was on the phone .. how this is all too much, just .. all of it, feels so bad .. said she goes into the kitchen to try to do a little something (I dunno .. something to drink, .. not sure) and then has to go to the bathroom again, doesn't make it .. then has to clean up "chit everywhere" .. her words ..
I only responded, "I hate that for you, sounds miserable . I'm gunna run in there real quick just to drop some things off".
Her responding to that, "no .. now honey you don't need to be anywhere near me, you might catch this and give it to those babies".
I responded, "No .. I'm not staying .. I'm only dropping off some things for you .. and then leaving, just wanna make sure the garage is unlocked so I can get in".
When I got there, .. not real sure why she was standing in her den, holding onto a credenza there, swaying (as she does) so weak/wobbly .. her words .. (she can see me enter from where she was, standing wobbly like) "I was trying to find my check book to pay you for the things you've brought .. but for the life of me Dorker, I am just not able to do it, I don't even know where my checkbook is at this moment and I'm too out of it to even find it".
I told her don't worry about reimbursing me right now, we'll figure that out another day ..
And at that I could see that she was trying to, .. walking/wobbly like .. holding onto the wall (walker in the kitchen) where I am .. trying to make her way in where I am .. and said, "I was just before feeding the dog, he nor I either one have had anything to eat today .. I just don't have any appetite at all, .. and I just haven't even been able to get myself together here to feed him".
I took her walker .. (wasn't gonna touch anything there) .. and wheeled it to her, where the dog foods . were all laid out, in what she does to prep it all .. wheels it all to her on the walker, then sits and smushes up the canned food into the pebbles of crunchy dry food .. and so I grabbed that, "here let me just feed the dog .. I can do that and be done with it in a moment". Took care of that.
She now can see what I have bought and laid out there, .. and I told her that I've taken the caps off of everything (her arthritic hands can't open anything these days). Showed her the liquid imodium I'd bought and told her to take some of it .. and she asked how much, so I'm now picking it up to read the directions and then report that to her .. and she goes and sits down .. says, .. I could just cry .. I feel like I'm about to pass out here, .. this is all so awful .. and then last night, .. that horrible rainstorm .. and the water for some damn reason coming in there under the doorway .. I don't know .. maybe the gutter is full again, I'll get DH to look at that when he comes ... but the floor was soaked all the way in to where that chair sits from that awful rainstorm last night ..and then I went out into the garage to get something .. and that's when I learned the AC is leaking all onto the floor ... "
I interrupted, "yes he'll be here later to take a look at that". .. she continued on .. I just .. I don't know .. last night when I was trying to deal with that water coming in under the damn door .. I bent over here to get what I thought was a leaf on the floor, well hell it wasn't a leaf at all, it was a piece of
I said .. "Well hopefully your daughter will be here soon enough".
She said, "oh you know her, she's all a wreck now .. worried about me down here and wringing her damn hands .. she's all beside herself now .. and trying to figure what to do on her end with me sick ....".
I didn't acknowledge. I wanted to say, "But by GOD those dogs are being cared for right?".
Being the kind person I am, .. unlike her own offspring .. I couldn't just say "well tata for now .......... hope ya feel better". As her offspring seem willing/able to do.
I asked when was the last time she drank anything. She didn't know, hadn't even taken her morning meds (what else is new) .. I said, "Well I'm gonna get you a glass of gatorade here, you need to work on it ... and half a banana .. just eat what you can of it .. you can work along on it, .. and these saltines .. I'm gonna hand you a couple of those .. just nibble on them, .. you don't have to eat, but you do have to drink .. you need to do that .. for sure ...".
Got that ready for her, read the instructions on the Imodium med .. and then poured her what the dosage would be .. and instructed on further dose .. and then I was gone.
I don't think that it's that I necessarily put SIL in any driver's seat on it all. I don't have the power in all this to go over there and start slinging suitcases around and packing up chit and then call SIL and tell her, "we'll be there in three days .. get ready". This isn't my mother .. I have no control over it.
I don't think she could make the car trip any damn way ... that's the very reason she needs to (among other reasons) be outta here during hurricane season .. she who is unable to sit in a car for hours upon hours. SIL lives 1K miles away .. for me .. if I drove straight thru .. it'd take 23 hours to get there .. non stop. MIL can't do that. Nor can she do even about 4 or 5 hours in a car. It'd take a week to get her there, or more.
So yea, go over there and start slinging suitcases out and throwing stuff in em, get a plane tix .. and escort her there ....
But I offered to do that .. in anticipation this time of year that's been slated to take her would be met with "Excuse and obfuscation" .. it was met with "oh I think it will be so traumatic and stressful for her .. I'll need to be the one there to help with all that".
It really angers me. She is so so sick. Doesn't take long for someone in her position to go downhill quick. Been there/done this ... a time or several with her and the whole Diarrhea bouts. Been there on that front too many times to count, thus my making more and more and more noise .. as we go along here, she doesn't manage .. she can't manage.
So the approach at this point ... obviously her offspring finds it suitable that she be here on her own ... nobody has pushed to change that .. I mean afterall there are 3 precious poochies up in IL that need SIL's tender loving care. So be it.
So .. MIL out there, .. not managing (and she isn't) .. and likely not hydrating well .. and for certain spewing in every direction and struggling to clean it all up and manage to take care of herself and her dog .. and so be it.
Either she recoops from this .. and life goes on .. or she doesn't .. in which case, a hospital stint may be in order within the next day or two. Be that from a fall, and/or need for rehydration .. or let's take a look at what's going on .. is this diverticulitis flare up, is this a viral issue . is this anxiety over an impending trip you don't wanna take .. whatever.
This is the very reason .. she needs to not be living alone. And I've shouted it and shouted it. But yet here we are!
I bet you hear an earful from H after he's gone by to look at her AC. Keep us updated!
"The patient has rights. If she is not deemed to have dementia, she has the right to stay in her house and lay in her own filth if she chooses. Family members can keep working on her, but ultimately it takes a bad fall, a broken hip or serious illness and weakness that leaves them bed bound before they will willingly leave their house. And even then, sometimes they still demand to go home from the hospital."
Within a few days, your MIL is very likely to take a bad fall or get very sick from dehydration. You know what? There is not a damned thing you can do to prevent it. I am just like you. I thought I could plan for and head it off. Anything short of sitting on the edge of her bed and STARING at her and anticipating her every need and move, will not prevent her from falling. When the rest of us are sleeping, old people love to get up in the middle of the night and wander through the house because they cannot sleep.
So, just mentally prepare yourself. Expect to hear that news anytime your phone rings.
Sitting here right now .. fielding the next occurrence that crops up. GOOD GOD!
I wanna go back to the days when phone troubles meant a tech comes .. and that's that. Not so anymore.
Get a text from SIL who is at a hair salon .. and I guess between rinses figured she'd put in a call to her mom (don't know how she tore herself away from dog care) .. that's when SIL found the phone goes to a recording "this number is not in service at this time".
Get a text from SIL ... "what now?, I can't reach mother, the recording says the phone isn't in service".
I responded .. "it was working earlier when I was there, .. called her to ask that she make sure the garage door was unlocked, and she answered it".
Figured I'd try it .. and see what happens.. It goes to a fast busy ...
So I tried to report it to the phone company as out of order (just had a storm move thru the area, figured maybe there is trouble in that area). They say there is no report of trouble in the area .. that they can send a technician but that there will be a charge to do so, if it's found the phone trouble is on her end .. that their best advice .. unplug the modem for a few mins, see if that reboots it. If not .. then there will be no charge as obviously the only thing the customer can do, didn't resolve it.
Well, I'm not there, to do that .. and .... she isn't able to do it, she's too sick. Wouldn't know a modem if she tripped over it anyway, even on a good day.
So now a call to DH who will be going there at some point, God knows when .. to tell him to unplug her modem to try to reboot it all, that her phone is out of order and she probably doesn't even know it herself.
Good GOD!!!!!!!!
Should you be able to live alone if you can't troubleshoot simple things like unplugging a modem?
She's too sick right now to even pay attention, but even on a good day that whole thing would be lost on her.
So phone crises averted. I guess SIL notified neighbors, .. said she woke them from an afternoon nap (retired folks). They walked over, .. and the phones are fine.
I dunno .. I tried calling too, and it just went to a really fast busy signal .. and SIL was getting a recording "This phone is not in service at this time". So I dunno.
They walked around . neighbors did and checked all the phones .. and all had dial tones .. and MIL called me, .. wanting to check if it's working and I can hear her, yes I can hear her .. it's working .. I called her, it rang, it's working. Go figure. Who knows?
So then I'm talking to her and she mentions how hot it is in her house (remember the AC problem ongoing .. .along with her being sick). I asked her to go look at the thermostat .. she did so. Said it's 82 in her house. I asked her if she has it turned on. She said no it isn't on. Told her to turn it on, see if it comes on .. she did so, said it came on.
Said last night .. when she'd gone into the garage there was a river of water running from it. Generally (this has happened before) the condensate line gets clogged and it then drains condensation .. or whatever. She had called DH about it, or SIL had .. I dunno. DH has that to go see about.
When I was talking to her, it had been about the phone troubles, then it evolved into the AC issue her complaining it felt warm in there. Had her turn it on, she said it came on .. but then she said she has to go sit down .. about to fall, so weak.
So I assumed it's back on now .. yes .. maybe that leak in the garage will resume . until that's fixed .. but at least it will be on and working ..
Nope. SIL texted that the neighbors felt concerned about her, too warm in her house, brought her a fan .. and hooked it up.
SIL saying, "I hope DH can get there soon".
I responded, "I don't know".
She said, "Hate to text and bother him .. I guess he'll get there when he gets there".
I said, "Wish I knew, I don't".
She said: "I wonder if I should just put in a call to the AC guy .. ".
I responded: "Might be best yes .. I don't know when he can get there and when he does, .. if it's not that condensate line .. and obviously it isn't if it isn't working .. then not much he can do, he's not an AC pro".
So be it.
I'm out of all this.
I took supplies to what is this sick/frail woman earlier and found in that setting, the house is too warm ..(but I'm always too warm) .. even she said it's too warm in there. I turned on the fan for her (ceiling fan). Found in that setting, her weak and sick ..
Interesting that when I was on the phone with her, before she said she had to go .. that she was about to fall. She said the following: "I just don't know Dorker, I mean .. it's one thing and then another and another, .. last night with the water coming in under the door, then the leak in the garage .. and being so sick .. I can barely function here .. it's all too much to deal with".
I said, "maybe going to your daughter's is looking better all the time".
Her response: "Oh I don't know that's jumping from the frying pan into the fire if you ask me".
Why does she even bother complaining to you?
What does she want you to do about her diarrhea, AC, dog, instability?
Once she's at the ER, you can go visit and tell anyone who will listen that she lives by herself and you think it is unsafe no matter what the kids think. And that YOU are NOT going to allow her to live at your home.
You betcha.....gut volcano!
So he got that all up and running for her.
Checked on her, .. said he's worried about her, she's so sick. But he did get her dragged into the kitchen and to the table, and heated up one of her MOW's tha that hasn't been eaten. Some baked chicken and some mac n cheese.
If that doesn't do her in .. with her delicate system at this point, I will be shocked. I wouldn't of fed her that, .. and I think DH simply just doesn't know better.
If I'd of been the one on site it would've been some jello, dry toast .. bouillon .. that kinda thing. We'll see I guess. He said she ate it all. SHOCK! I, when I was there, .. handed her half a banana that she only just nibbled at .. and a few saltines .. and they just sat there, her complaining she has no appetite.
One would've hoped she herself, would've told DH that isn't something she needs to be eating .. but .. then that would make her more capable and able to manage, than she really truly is able to do.
I remember one time when she'd been plagued with this and I called her the next morning to see if she was hydrating .. and such. She said she was .. but that she'd been hungry and so fixed herself a pot of grits and some fried eggs and OJ. In the end, that sent her reeling, as one might predict it would. So, she is "not all that capable" .. as to managing all this, and thus, didn't caution DH when he went in and heated up one of her MOW's and insisted she come eat.
We'll just have to see if this sends her off the deep end.
He said he was talking with his sister after the fact, .. and his sister asked him if he could stay with her this weekend. His answer: "Sister I may have to work this weekend, .. the best I can do is check in on her".
I'd of asked her how those 3 poochies are doing in her care. Good thing he was the one asked.
And what she doesn't know .. I don't guess ... I don't know for sure .. our family is to go to a water park this weekend, for the day .. and spend the day with the g'kids and such ..
DH . true .. may not be able to go .. he may have to work. But if he isn't working .. he needs to go with us .. if possible .. and not have to go hold his mom's hand once again .. when his sister should damn well be here to have retrieved her, and worse yet .. possibly expose himself (if he hasn't already being in her proximity) .. and taking the germs to the g'kids.
Whatever. I cautioned this morning .. not to go around her, and it went in one ear and out the other obviously.
Said he's worried about her, .. so frail .. so weak .. and I asked, "worried enough that you felt okay leaving her".
Answer: "yea .. I wasn't gonna stay there".
Okeedokee.
Tomorrow, I shall not answer the phone . unless it's someone outside the circumference of this whole sordid mess.
Grrrrr.
I don't think it would be so bad if H stayed with MIL over the weekend, because that would be the best chance for him to see just how compromised she is. He would have to get up with her during the night as she lets Poochy out, tries to make it to the bathroom in time, etc., right? Wouldn't this be a great way to give him that kick in the pants that he needs as regards his mother's compromised way of life? Of course the downside to that is that he could get the bug (if he hasn't already), and then bring it into your house.
I keep thinking of that house with the accidents/Poochy accidents everywhere. Can MIL in her compromised state really do an adequate job of cleaning up? And the housekeeper won't be back until the week after next, right? Didn't she just come earlier this week?
I haven't heard anything through the night .. as to the well being on the situation.
I guess a good and conscientious daughter in law, might put in a phone call to MIL and ask, "so how did last night go, are you doing any better?".
But .. I haven't done so and am not going to. That's the job of her offspring to handle. Will her son do so? I don't know and I haven't coached otherwise. I'm sure nervous nelly SIL will do so .. from afar .. as she jockies the 3 dogs about in her world.
I'm trying to find the solace in the whole green chair analogy today. Not working so well.
Someone had mentioned yesterday that I don't need to panic over all this and be upset .. my boundaries are in place and so be it.
I don't know .. trying to define ... I don't think my particular angst comes from a place of panic, more so .. it's a place of complete and utter .. outright anger and aggravation.
How can you not be .....????......when this has been shouted from every roof top for now .. 2 years. Yes, .. at first it was polite/discreet/thoughtful suggestion .. and from there has escalated and ever louder refrain ..
I recall a time that this very thing was going on, when I was knee deep mired in all things MIL care. And I'd been summoned to haul her to the doc, PCP. Did so. Her so weak, I probably should've gotten a wheelchair to get her around .. and once there, the PCP wanted to send her to an imaging center, .. for a CT of her gut (the Diverticulitis and any flare up there, or perforation .. etc.). MIL began crying .. and said she just can't do it .. not able. They wanted a
urine from her, .. her crying, just can't do it. At that point the option was, ... we can send you right across the street to the ER .. there they can do a blood count, a urine .. a CT, etc etc. She just can't do it.
I was the one that forced the issue, "the ER is right across the street, .. .they'll get a wheelchair here, to help you to get back in my car, .. we'll drive across the street .. and there, they'll bring a wheelchair .. and get you in .. ".
Her protesting, "they'll keep me and I don't want to stay there". Then soothing/smoothing that argument, .. til finally that's where we went ....
This isn't the first rodeo with this kinda thing. There have been many. Many where we have sat by the bedside and coaxed .. as to hydration and nutrition (appropriate nutrition in times like this, BRAT diet).
There was a separate time that this kinda thing ultimately ended in a hospitalization .. was this Cdiff .. was it a perforation .. what's going on here.
My point being .. I realize that older people ... they are going to be needy, that's a fact. I don't dispute that.
BUT .................
When said older person cannot any longer attend to their own needs .. and it has been shown countless times that is the fact in it all, .... then how in the H3!! is it that anyone in their right minds can continue to justify leaving be .. leaving the person to their own devices.
Yes, she protests .. yes she turns on the water works .. yes she wants to stay right there.
But .. somehow .. (I know, green chairs .. an analogy that isn't helping right now) ... maybe the problem is mine ......... and no one else's .......... in the expectation that there'd be some stern talking to .. and the tears/waterworks .. would fall on a hardened heart of .. "mother this doesn't work any longer" .. PERIOD .. and the approaches that need to be taken .. would then be enacted. PERIOD.
But yet here we are aren't we.
And of course, when I was talking briefly with DH last night and happened to throw into the mix .. that which so infuriates me .. that SIL was supposed to have already retrieved her mom .. oh but dog sitting
That gets met with response from DH .. "I'm not gonna let that bother me, she'll be here Aug 16 .. she's coming to get her .. whatever".
So why it still grates the CHIT outta me .. I dunno. But it does. That's why I say, .. my emotion is not really one of panic .. I do have those boundaries in place. But one of .. just anger .. and complete and utter aggravation!
SIL ......... taking what I presume is immaculate care of her 3 dogs .. her daughter's 3 dogs ............. and her mom down here, trying to wipe up and clean up chit spewed in every direction.
And as DH said in frustration last night .. said that his mom has .. (I don't know how he even knows this) .. had 5 pairs of underpants soaking in a washtub .. sitting on the washer (how'd he know how many .. did he pull em up and inspect and count, I didn't ask). Said he asked his mom, "why mother? you see you are having this problem, the Depends come out . why .. why 5 pairs .. you know the problem is now upon you , the Depends come out .. not underpants!".
My point here is this has been shown time and time and time again .. this kinda thing rears its ugly head ... her sick .. and unable to adequately care for herself, .. this isn't new by any stretch .. it isn't!
The time I mentioned that my plans with my family got up ended in a fall that resulted from the above dilemma that recurs with her ...... and us having to then MIL-sit .. for days .. as she recooped from the fall ....
This isn't new, she doesn't manage .............
Yet here she sits .. and her daughter dog sits .. and her mother, for all I know .. crap still dried and crusted to every available surface in her bathroom (one would hope DH took a look, but I don't know and I didn't ask). Underclothes and PJ's now in need of laundering .. in a laundering set up that is woefully screwed up in that house of her's .. a housekeeper that yes, will not return until week after next, at this point. A dog that ... looks right at her, confined as she sits on the potty .. and pee's right there in the floor ...............
SHE IS NOT ABLE TO DEAL WITH ALL THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yet dog sitting ... is .. swimmingly okay with everybody .. but me.
The very reason why I've had to put boundaries around all this.
To not do so, would see me over there scrubbing down and sanitizing a bathroom she can't see to, and laundering the soiled clothes, .. all while holding her hand to nurse her along through hydrating and nutrition back to health .. and taking care of poochy. It's been done .... countless times.
So now ... I get to "sit with" the feeling .. this old/compromised/frail woman .. that I know damn well does not manage in all this .. and here I am .. looking to go and live my life today .. get ready for tomorrow's water park adventure with the family .. and bake some brownies to take along and make some things for our big picnic at the water park ...
As if there's not a care in the world, life is just splendid.
Well it isn't, not for this compromised frail old woman ... that is barely damn getting from point A to B .. and as of yesterday anyway .. spewing chit in every direction .. and failing to take care of herself. But go along I will, and as if there's not a care in the world, and bake brownies and cut up some fruit for a fruit salad .. and run to the bank .. and go on with my life ..........
It infuriates me!
FWIW .......... talking to DH this morning, he began to tear up just a bit, talking of his mom and the struggle and her so old now .. said he'd been in his office (where he has LOADS of pictures from all the years) .. in there, numerous pics of his mom (as well as many others) .. and it made him get a bit teary .. just reflecting on the once vibrant person she used to be and that she didn't ask for all this ..
I don't know that sentiment. All I know is that it all makes me angry
DH needs to spend the weekend with MIL.
He needs to get a good dose of reality.
He probably won't do it though.
They KNOW that the ER and subsequent time in the hospital puts them on the path to the nursing home. That is why an elderly person raises hell not wanting to go to the hospital whenever they are REALLY sick or take a BAD fall.
My aunt 87 yr. old aunt fell 5 feet off a porch, landing on her back on jagged rocks in a koi pond and immediately started yelling at everyone "Don't you take me to the hospital! I don't need to go to the ER! I am just fine! I'm a little sore but I am just fine! Don't you dare call an ambulance!"
Well, they took her to the ER, but she raised so much hell there, they did not admit her! I still cannot get over that. 2 days later she was in total agony and agreed to an MRI, which showed she had multiple cracked vertebrae. Thus began an endless merry-go-round of enablement by me and other family members, allowing her to continue to stay in her home for a year while I ran on the hamster wheel daily trying to see to her needs. In March of this year, I said, "I'm DONE!" She is now in an ALF and thriving there. She would absolutely be dead or close to it if she was still at home.
I totally recognize the anger in your posts because I felt exactly the same way.
Would DH KNOW how to dx dehydration? In the elderly it can be extremely serious. Electrolytes get all out of whack, even drinking water will not help, they need IV's of special fluids. LOTS of them.
She's teetering on that. I know of a man who was running a marathon a couple of weeks ago. Picture of health, running along, hydrating, eating high protein snacks, etc..this is a long time marathoner....he kept saying he didn't feel great---and suddenly dropped dead right on the course. Dehydration + imbalanced electrolytes---and this guy had probably run 30 marathons.
Your MIL is so compromised, with her inability to take care of herself AT ALL...and the picture you paint of her with feces all over the place, her soiled undies in a bucket, her refusal to be compliant in ANYTHING....not wearing Depends b/c that makes her look "old" not walking with the walker or being able to care for her dog---or her home, or herself.....it's heartbreaking.
She really does need to go to the ER. I know she'll kick and fuss. But that's where she belongs. And that house needs to be firebombed with bleach,.
My FIL would have these horrid bouts of diarrhea and I got so sick (Literally ) of cleaning up after him--at home, in my car, in restaurants...so gross. I refused to take him places if he wouldn't wear depends.
So often, he'd get dehydrated and we'd hit the ER. No fun for me cause it was always a 6 hr period of time to get him adjusted, but he simply would not drink more than a cup of coffee or two in a day, since he didn't EVER want to go to the bathroom and he could quell the bowel incontinence by never drinking.
Likely MIL is doing exactly the same thing.
IF DH would step up and stay overnight with her ONE night, I bet you he'd have her at the ER in a hot minute. She sounds dangerously ill right now. But I'm pretty sure the state of her house would gag him and he couldn't handle it.
You KNOW MIL is miserable, Yes, she says she wants the fluffy cloud to come get her, but it's probably not going to be fluffy at all and she'll go kicking and screaming," I can do this! I can manage"
Frankly, as much as you have stepped away, her house is now a hazmat situation and maybe you do need to call 911 and have her taken to a hospital and observed. She sounds like she's at death's door, honestly.
The EMT's would walk in, get a noseful and see her and have her strapped to a gurney in minutes. She might also be reported as an elder in danger, wouldn't be the worst thing to have happen.
As much as I dislike my MIL and am not a part of her life, if she were as sick and miserable as your MIL, I would step in and call 911.
A tough call. Good luck.
And really - it isn’t so much about being right as it is about people listening and valuing what you are saying.
Not that this is about you, Dorker - that’s not your “big picture” concern. After all, you’ve been trying to get those involved - sil and dh - to hear you for a long time now. Since back when - if they had listened and acted - it never would have come to the dismal and dangerous situation that it is right now.
But, I don’t think it isn’t that they don’t listen to or don’t value what you are saying - what you are seeing - it’s just that - as they hear you and then look at what you are saying, seeing - their vision immediately becomes colored by their experiences as this woman’s children.
They think they are respecting her wishes, making her happy, giving her the respect and dignity she’s earned - or come to demand as the head of the family.
Those of us - not wearing the same colored glasses that they are, can see the clear reality of this situation. That there is no respect or dignity in allowing a completely compromised old woman to wallow in diarrhea with no meaningful or realistic care for her health and personal comfort. We see this for the deplorable and pitiful situation it is.
And so, I think that’s part of why you are so angry. It doesn’t have to be this way. If sil and dh had been able to really hear you - without the influence of their mother colored filter - a year ago, this whole debacle never would have happened. Not to say mil could/would have never gotten diarrhea ever again - but had that happened she would have been in a setting where someone would have been really looking after her - caring for her health, safety and well-being. Poochie’s too.
So - instead, there you are, Dorker - seething with disgust and anger - wondering just how low - how deplorable - this frail old woman’s own children are going to allow this situation to become.
I don’t blame you for feeling what what you’re feeling. Not one bit.
As the three of them continue to circle the campground looking for the perfect spot to pitch the tent...
an old woman covered in diarrhea wearing ironed pajamas is still an old woman covered in diarrhea. It doesn’t make it any less deplorable.
I agree with most being said here.
The reason you find this so frustrating is because you LOVE MIL. I know you say you don’t care but you do.
You made her life better for a long time because you wanted to. You got burnt out and life was pulling you in a different direction, DD and you needed to go there.
Until the events of the last few days I was okay with MIL left to her own choices good or bad. But, this “mess” sounds out of control.
Why does it anger and frustrate you so? Because you love this woman and cared for her in an excellent manner for a loonnnggg time.
Right now, imho, this old gal is being neglected by her children. Her home sounds like a waste site. There are probably sheets that need to be washed and dried along with everything else. The laundry situation is probably completely out of control and can’t be caught up considering her wonky washing machine.
If these gals are still coming on Mondays and Fridays this may get reported to their supervisor.
Theres no way I think this is your responsibility! You should not be expected to rush in and be the rescuer in this.
Unfortunately SIL is in IL doing what she does (insert eye roll). That leaves DH.
If MIL is not better by now it really does sound like she needs medical care.
I really dont think MIL wants to make her exit to her cloud covered in poop.
Yep, what will DH do? How is he going to handle this?