I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
✈👵😁
I did go look it up and what an apt tune to plug one's ears and hum. Yep .. "do dah, do dah". Probably haven't heard that since nursery school.
Visions of an almost 60 yo woman plugging her ears and as a little kid would do, "I can't hear you, I can't hear you".
I mean, if I were to stop working, it would have a major financial impact upon our budget. Our assumption in this marriage has always been that we both work (second marriage for us both). Neither of us would leave outside employment without a discussion. When my DH lost his job during the 2008 recession, we had extensive talk about how we would manage that. We probably should have talked even more than we did, but we survived it.
When my mom started declining in 2009, it became clear that I would have to give up my second job so that I would be able to visit her on weekends, almost 2 hours away. Again, we needed to discuss the implications of how stuff would get paid for.
Do you and DH ever have these kinds of talks? It sounds as though his assumption is that if you are not working outside the home and outside his business, you are available to "do" for his mom.
If that is his assumption, you counter that with "I can't "do" for your mom if I have no agency. I can't be at your sister's beck and call. If I'm going to "do" for mom, then you and I need POA for health and finances so that we know what sort of endgame we're dealing with. If your sister wants to call the shots, then SHE needs to have mom near her"
Period. End of story.
I actually had worked for him (being a SAHM at the same time) for 20 years. And the recession hit here, .. this is FL .. one of the earliest and hardest hit states to be hit in the Great Recession .. and the construction industry in the tank, in a big way.
I went to work outside the home ...to help our budget. Might as well have, his work had fallen off the face of the earth .. (works in construction).
By 2015 it had become a matter that things were back on the rails ... as to work flow .. for the most part .. and he was routinely frustrated in my absence .. when he needed various things during a work day. Certs of ins. faxed/emailed, supplies ordered, .. invoice reconciliation, permits pulled, inspections ordered, etc.
It was a mutual decision.
This kind of work that I do for him, for the most part, it can be done on the fly. There are some things I have to actually sit down and work on, on site ... here. But for the most part, I can be out and about, and satisfy what he needs.
BUT .............. I was not able to do that .. on the company dime, working elsewhere. That wouldn't of flown very well, for me to have my little notebook out and conducting "his" workflow while on their dime, at my separate job.
The hours I was working, on my work days, 7 to 6 daily .. meant that I was absolutely zero help to him and what he needs .. during those hours. No way for me to do what he would need, during those hours and by the time I'd get off work, all the other entities that I would normally engage to provide him these things .. they're closed.
It made better sense .. (my earning potential isn't all that great .. I never went to college .. never went to any tech school .. I was a SAHM for many yeas .. and two of those .. one more than the other, somewhat special needs kids, .. and devoted myself to that, rather than going back to school to better my own existence). Wish I'd of listened back in high school when mom and dad told me to go to school .. learn a trade, skill, something, get a degree. I didn't listen.
By the time the kids were launched, .. for the most part, the great recession was upon us and I went to work outside the home.
Basically call center work.
Earning potential not all that outstanding.
Made better sense for me to be available to help with his biz ..
No, it was never talked about (remember, we don't talk about and thoroughly weigh out his mom and her needs .. that we have selective hearing about) .. "yea and if you quit that job you hate, then you can be my mom's indentured slave and be at my sister's beckon call and we'll all live happy ever after".
No, that was not part and parcel, ever, .. of any agreement for me to return to being in his employ.
Logically, .. I know .. it isn't my fault she has aged and gotten to the point she needs more help.
But that doesn't really compute when the "need" is ever present, but not addressed adequately .. and I, as Barb put it, have no standing in any of this, to exact any of that change.
There have been small concessions along the way. For a long time MIL forbid anyone to engage in any of this, .. that wasn't part of her small nucleus of family. Be that, myself .. mostly . in SIL's absence .. and our daughters, and to a lesser degree .. her own son ... but him mostly for the Mr. Fixit stuff.
That encompassed, for a long time, who she would allow to engage.
Her staunch mantra of, "now I know what to do here, and I will manage, don't you all go sending my neighbors here, or call on those church ladies .. don't you send anyone over here, I won't answer the door".
And that was honored. For a very long time.
She has conceded on some of that. Now has a housekeeper that comes 2 x's monthly. She has the church lady that comes by, .. sort of at the church lady's discretion as to when her schedule allows.
She did have, for about a minute .. that service SIL worked to get her signed on for, (two year waiting list) whereby someone was to come 2 x's weekly, to help with light housekeeping and hygiene if necessary. That lasted only a minute it seems, and has been "suspended", by SIL. Language barrier the impediment to proceeding there. And the service and their failure to send anyone else suitable.
She has allowed that the neighbor come over and bring her garbage in .. at the designated day of the week that is to occur.
So there have been some small concessions along in it, but .. interesting to note, .. not until I flat out refused to be a part of the sole set up of propping this up and made it abundantly clear MIL will see me on Thursdays and not any other time. And I meant it, and I've stuck to that .. since that was proposed back in April.
At times, . maybe self inflicted .. it has begun to feel as though .. I am Enemy #1 as they wade thru all this and if only Dorker would step up to bat ..
SIL even said as much when she and I sat down for some face-time back in April .. she having been told prior to that, by DH (at my insistence, .. all requests go thru him now .. don't bother Dorker, that was my behest). When I finally got sit down face to face time with SIL .. she said she'd felt angry with me, .. that she didn't understand ..
I asked her at that time, "did it ever occur to you to actually sit down with me, like I'd asked of you a million times over the last few years .. did that occur to you, did it occur to you to "TALK" to me about why I'd now put forth that all requests MIL are to be directed to her son and not me, did it never occur to you to TALK TO ME".
Yes, .. at times it has felt as though .. maybe they don't come right out and say it .. but it's my fault .. the fact that I won't step up and knock the ball outta the park anymore on all things MIL.
This place .. my only salvation at times, .. to return here and hear the sanity of others who've waged this war themselves .. and others who .. provide the clarity that I'm not mean and hateful and in fact, justified in my actions.
I have often wondered what your SIL and DH's reaction would be should they ever happen to read this book.
I'm sure they would not find the depictions of themselves to be, um, flattering, but truthfully, I am sure you have been honest to a fault.
Nobody is perfect, of course. But some people are so irritatingly self centered and clueless as to other's needs and wants you just feel like smacking them upside the head with a hammer.
The dynamic that existed when you started this "journey" of journaling is not the same as it was. You've learned so much, you come so far. All of us have benefited from either wisdom imparted by you or someone who left a comment.
Many of us are in 'toxic' relationships we want out of. Many of us look at what you go through and admire you for sticking to your guns.
I think your SIL would be furious, although she does do a LOT, a LOT of her doing is really pretty ridiculous. Dog sitting so she doesn't have to come get her mother? Trying to micromanage MIL's life from 1000 miles away and throwing hissy fits when you don't jump to.
DH and his replacing compassionate service to his own MOTHER (which nobody in the church would see) to do 'good deeds' in the church community that ARE seen....he's not fooling me one bit.
The cavalier way they all just dump on you---this hits too close to home for me. I found myself pulling away from my own mother and my MIA family relationships. Just walking away. You gave me courage to do that. And guess what? I am not missed one bit. Not ONE SINGLE BIT. Wow, did I overestimate my own value to my mother's life. My DH had 2 heart attacks in 2 weeks and she never even called me to see if things were ok. That kind of "family closeness"--I can do without.
And so can you. I can see you even pulling back from Thursdays if MIL continues to be so difficult. Simply saying "I'm done. I can't help her. Y'all figure it out". She really is at that point right now. She shouldn't live alone anymore. Although SIL will SEE this when she takes her home (if that actually happens) not one single thing will change when MIL returns to her manse. Y'all will just go on piece-mealing together some kind of care system---when the obvious answer is to move her to a NH.
And that will never, ever happen. It's really, really sad you cannot talk to SIL in a way that she can understand. She doesn't WANT to hear the truth, neither does DH. They aren't stupid, they just keep thinking you'll step back in, or your daughters will become mini-Dorkers.
You are so far from mean and hateful--you should be caught up with the angels.
Whether they accept how hard you worked and how much you did does not negate the fact you DID IT.
{{Hugs}} I think you are amazing.
It feels .. very much less than honorable and upstanding to walk away and act like I don't see it.
But that's just what I did, sans my brief Thursday visit to drop off some supplies and a hand at a glass of sustenance and some crackers and feeding her dog briefly and then plastic bags over hands and out the door I went, to my car, with Lysol wipes and off I went.
Knowing full well she won't take care of herself. She isn't able to.
But no .. I can't get the "lugheads" to hear what I'm saying. It's like I'm some alien out in space screaming into an oblivion where there's no one to even hear me.
Two things have weighed heavily on my mind today. One of those is the fact that MIL hadn't been driving a lot in many many months .. mostly she was dependent (less than today .. which is almost completely nowdays) on when I could take her somewhere or one of my daughters. This was back a year or so ago, more.
She'd been hospitalized with that UTI .. where cognitive issues were screened and it was proposed there be no more investigation into that. Of course SIL saw to it that was undone, any further investigation. They had also recommended she participate in a driving PT program, to assess her capabilities as to whether she should continue driving, along with the above cognitive assessment.
SIL flew into town, .. and of course the above recommendations were discarded.
But it has weighed heavily on me, that I have no standing to have come unglued but that's just what I should've done, when I'd been recommending also .. behind the scenes for months .. that her driving capabilities be assessed .. we don't even know whether she should be driving at all (she doesn't anymore these days .. this was a year or more ago).
Not only did SIL not comply with what was recommended by med staff .. she took her mother, .. who at that point in time, didn't need her DL renewed for another several months .. and had her DL renewed at the DMV.
There the great state of FL, I don't suppose deemed it necessary to do any testing, other than her vision, which she passed .. and new DL handed to her, Done.
That just one minuscule example of where I'd been .. on that page .. harping for months, .. and worse yet .. MIL end up hospitalized and that very issue raised by med professionals .. as to one they'd like looked at closer .. I now had even their validation that should be looked at.
Discarded completely. Yelling from outer space into an oblivion where no one hears you!
Just one small example of the many ... many many .. where I've cited to people who obviously don't want to hear it .. otherwise they'd hear it and do something.
Another one being a conversation had with SIL .. wherein she was lamenting that her mom is so sad and fighting this "old age" thing tooth and nail and going down fighting .. that her mom doesn't seem real able to "accept" this old age thing and has fought it tooth and nail every step of the way.
I wish I had that conversation back, .. I would tell her, "your mom isn't the only one, you and your brother both are in just as deep of denial for whatever the basis .. both of you .. and it's not healthy for any of ya".
But then again .. that yelling into the oblivion of space. Wouldn't of mattered.
I'm hoping when (if) she's carted out of here, that I can decompress some, and decide my path going forward when she is deposited back here, status quo the order of the day .. and patchwork piecemeal as to her well being .. and SIL waltzes off back to her life in IL .. and no one is any closer to addressing the big elephant in the room.
They may think that you are exaggerating her neediness.
They may be in deep denial about what her needs are.
In any event, you need feel no guilt about not taking on the role of nursemaid. You told her kids that you could no longer fulfill that role. Her children clearly feel no guilt or regret, why should you?
MIlL's lack of acceptance of the reality of her life is at the core of her problem. She wants to be young and she wants not to be poor. She will not face the fact that she is both and has limited options. And that she needs to make choices based on those options, not her wishes.
I hope that before any return trip to Florida is planned, there is a realistic discussion of her need for daily assistance and how that will be accomplished.
It would seem far wiser for SIL to get her mother qualified for Medicaid in Illinois and get her on lists for Assisted Living apartments.
Where she lives and what help she accepts is for MIL to decide. Overbear her, bully her into changes she doesn't want, and you are overstepping the mark.
At roughly the same stage in my mother's heart failure, maybe not quite so far down the line, my answer was to scoop mother up and move into a whole new household with her and my then partner. We'd already looked at ILF/ALF possibilities, in fact my sister and BIL had set up a very good deal on an apartment that met every specification (including two WC's. Why? Would one person and a cat need two WC's? God knows. But evidently mother wasn't the first to demand it, because this apartment had it). Mother blew the deal out of the water by writing to withdraw her offer the day before contract exchange without consulting anyone about it. My sister was furious and understandably washed her hands of her thereafter.
So there we were all set up for a very long, crikey I can't believe it, next seven or eight years. I'd uprooted mother from the city, with buses and afternoon matinées and SHOPS, and replanted her in an idyllic country house with a beautiful garden, her own little suite of rooms, and more loos than she could shake a stick at. And US, of course! Two adults, 24/7. And her cats, and my cat, and the dogs, and the chickens, and occasional grandchildren...
She absolutely hated it. She told everyone who would listen. And if there is one reason why if I were doing it all again I would not move her, it is that. What was the point, if she was so miserable?
If I'd left her where she was, in a three-storey town house with steep narrow stairs, she'd have been base-over-apex down those dam' stairs, probably carrying her dinner plates and a cat, and broken her neck.
Would that have been worse than those years in the country, deteriorating heart function, vascular dementia, stroke and hemiplegia?
I don't think I did bully mother into moving with us. ExSO came up with the idea, I suggested it to her, she seemed to snap it up gratefully, we went ahead. And it isn't exactly that I'm sorry I bothered. It's that the primary object of the exercise was to comfort mother's latter years. From that point of view - 100% fail.
Dorker's choice to say "no more except Thursdays" is just as reasonable as MIL's choice to say
" I'll only accept family help".
Dorker, have you read Atul Gawande yet?
Seemed MIL's only take on the whole thing was to talk about the different cultures and so forth and their approach to aging .. and ... further, .. as we've discussed before .. the royal son and his Asian wife and their culture, that the elder goes to live with the youngers .. and they are revered in that culture .. and that the Asian wife finds it so very odd and upsetting that MIL lives alone by her own choice. That was about the sum of anything MIL had as input .. that, along with the fact (I agree) it's a national dialogue that needs much attention.
I try to envision a setting where it would be "okay" that MIL stay in her home .. and muddle around thru making her way.
As Barb put it, .. that would .. also require she be willing/able to take public transport, as well as many other aspects as to her care. She isn't.
I think about my sister in law (on my side of the family) who had an aging mother in her vicinity and two sisters also in that geographic area. That mother, .. until the very end, .. was not opposed to making a list .. as to the "fixit" projects her son could attend to when they would descend upon her home .. kind of like quarterly .. and the fixit stuff would ensue. That mother wasn't opposed to calling for delivery of .. per say Olive Garden, or Outback .. and having a dinner delivered to her, .. a dinner she would generally make two meals out of, since she didn't have a hearty appetite. That mother .. daily .. made her way over to the senior swimming pool class for exercise, her on a walker, but she'd get herself out into her carport and she'd get into her little golfcart . and down the way she'd go .. to the community swimming pool for their senior pool activity. That mother was engaged in the senior activities in her community, playing cards one night weekly, etc. She was 94 years old when she was then brought to live with my SIL (died a few months later).
Up until about six months before this move, the above was the order of the day in her life.
So let's look at MIL's situation.
She doesn't eat right .. thus MOW summoned to the scene. Most of the MOW's go in the trash untouched. Does she ever call for a local delivery of some takeout .. no, not once, ever. Has it been suggested? Oh yes, countless times .. have even offered to do so for her, the first few times. No, she doesn't want people coming and going.
So let's look at her ability to make a list, of "fixit" stuff so that DH can attend to all at once ..
Doesn't happen.
That's truly ... IMO .. above her capability to formulate and follow through and do. No, it's catch as catch can .. a piece of fence blows loose .. or a tree limb falls into the yard she sits and gazes upon as to her daily life and existence, .. that becomes priority #1 . right now .. someone needs to remove the unsightly limb .. and nail that piece of fence back at once, .. GOD forbid poochy find a way to get out of that loose fence, or some other "critter" get in and get after precious poochy. No, this is an emergency. A sprinkler head goes awry . that must be dealt with poste haste.
So no, she doesn't really sit down and formulate a "list" and have any real recognition that others have lives and will attend to her .. and her perils .. when they can. It's really above her functionality to do so.
Does she .. has she ever .. engaged with senior activities ..
No.
When she was more mobile and able to get out and about, .. yes .. but that ship sailed long ago. Yes, there are services whereby she could've been picked up by a senior citizen bus and carted to the senior center, to do senior exercise, .. crafts .. partake of a meal served daily, .. whatever. "That's not
Does she agree to allow for public transport as to the various things she needs to attend to, .. never, ever. Nope.
So what you have remaining is someone in her home, .. she doesn't adequately take care of her own nutrition (let's not even go there, with regard to her dog that's more important to her than the air she breathes .. but she's unable to adequately even care for him, but by GOLLY as long as others will step to that need, it's all good!). She gets sick, as was seen last week .. and this could be predicted, it's happened countless times.
Her special order dog food and dog snacks .. does she arrange for someone with Team MIL to attend to that? No, not generally. She has .. once. But for the most part, that gets put on the radar here.
She is really, at least IMO, for all intents and purposes .. she is .. not capable .. she is not ambulatory enough to even use public transport and get herself ready and on time and be cognizant of what that looks like, executive function and all, .. and operate within those confines.
So fine, leave her be, .. as CM had pointed out in having uprooted the mother in that scenario, that the mother would've been happier in that setting, likely
a fall that would've broken the mother's neck ..
So fine, leave MIL be .... in her own home ....
Absent her willingness to attend to any of the many varied issue that go on .. who is going to do so?
So she gets sick and chit spews .. who cleans it? Who stays and holds her hand and hands her sips of fluid to stay hydrated, .. who gives her anti-diahrea meds .. who gives her dry toast to eat, .. when she'd rather eat a handful of popcorn ..
Tomorrow, she's to be carted off to the cardio doc .. and I think I will scream and burst an aorta if SIL reminds me one more time, .. (she already told me 2 x's last week what is to be addressed at cardio appt) .. I think I will shove the texted phone straight up her backside if she sends me another text of reminder, "remember mother needs to make sure her meds/rx's are in order so we can retrieve them here on our end, and make sure to get a written rx for PT on this end"....
Who sees to that, .. if MIL is left to her own, and her refusal to use public transport, and obvious/apparent .. inability to see to comprehend/take care of the above without someone being prompted to do so on her behalf.
That's the very reason it's being run up my flagpole as to what the "need" is there, at cardio visit. Left to MIL to do, .............A) she couldn't get there, refuses public transport of any sort. B) she'd get to the appt, if she could even get there, .. and then when asked later by SIL, so you talked to them about your rx's, everything is in order there, and they gave you that written order for PT, you have that right?".
Here's what you'd hear from her: "OH "S" ............. I don't know,.. you call them, .. ".
SIL: "Mother what did you do, what'd ya'll talk about, that's why you were sent there".
MIL: "Oh I don't know, .. no .. we talked about how I'm doing, how I'm feeling, .. no I didn't ask for all that .. no you call them".
Thus, the reason .. someone is ordered to the front lines to attend to her "needs" she is incapable of seeing to ...
Oh but it's okay she stay in that setting, .. piece mealed all together . and patch worked with .. "a team mil that doesn't exist".
It has been eerily quiet from the SIL front and for that I am eternally grateful. There have been no further prompts and/or concerns sent in my direction .. not even as to the cardio Thurs visit .. (those 2 reminders were last week).
Anything from that corner of the world at this point, is going to be treated as DH does .. ignored.
She's fine to be left alone here .. she's fine to manage on her own, is my approach. Sans my Thurs visits.
For now.........
When I managed my mom's medical care long distance, if I couldn't get time off from work, the NH would transport mom to doc and I'd be at the appointme by phone.
Dorker, if SIL wants to manage her mom's life and medical care, then step aside the let her do it.
All of it.
You can be the chaffeur, but don't get caught up in the medical stuff.
You will get frustrated because you would want to know stuff like " should we be doing something different, should she be living alone, is it time for Hospice?".
I'd text SIL this afternoon and tell her she needs to be available by phone during appointment time tomorrow.
If SIL has instructions for MIL's medical team, she needs to convey them direct and not via Dorker nor any other third party. Not only to spare Dorker's aorta 🤗 but because short communication chains are essential. But seeing as SIL's gone quiet, maybe it's because she's already doing that? Good!
She also needs to stop expecting her mother to recall complex conversations and discussions that there is not a cat in h*ll's chance MIL had given her full attention in the first place; and again communicate directly with MIL's doctors. Alas, as I can testify, only time and repetition of these intensely frustrating experiences will teach SIL that.
It's time to start playing hardball. Stop apologizing for yourself.
This afternoon, text sil and TELL her you will be calling her tomorrow at the time of the appointment and that she needs to be ready to participate in the discussion with the doctor as well as communicating all her requirements regarding scripts and PT referral.
Then text text her six times between now and then to remind her.
Excellent idea!
Sil is probably safe because she lives out of state but the two of you know exactly the state of MIL and the house. I don't know how the state of FL views these situations but most health authorities may take action. Something to think about.
The other thing which I have mentioned before is how would AL be paid for if MIL agreed. I don't think either Medicare or Medicaid will pay for that. She may qualify for Medicaid for Nursing Home care but it will be a Medicare bed and no room for her own stuff.
Additionally, Dorker has no standing in this; she's a daughter in law. She has told her husband, MIL's bio child that his mom needs more care. MIL's doctor has told her children that she needs more care. The hospital recommended further evaluation but MIL and her children refused to follow up. The state of Florida renewed her driver's license a couple of month's ago.
MIL suffers from self-neglect. There is no law against that if she isn't found incompetent.
As an aside, here there are a few AL facilities which do accept Medicaid. Not a big selection, but there are some available. I don't know about waiting lists, etc. as I haven't gotten far enough yet into researching it, but in some states this is an option.
I agree with what Surprise said as well, while SIL is on speaker at the doc's office, I would sneak in those questions about MIL's living arrangements and the palliative or hospice care.
NOTHING you do in FL now or while MIL is gone is going to help facilitate ANY kind of change. I'm sure when she returns if her house has had one figurine moved, she'll blow a head gasket--so cleaning or trying to organize would be absolutely pointless. She's only 'deigning' to move court to IL, and I'd bet good money she figures out a way to shorten her visit.
Honestly, this "trip" has had more pre-planning than most invasions of foreign countries. She'll do anything to kibosh it---probably why I keep asking if somebody has checked that dam* doggy certificate and made sure it's legal.
MIL's kid were raised to more than revere her--their relationship is sick. It's been so hard on you and BIL to stand outside and watch and feel useless/unneeded. Well, in BIL's case, ignored and belittled. I GET that. My in-law family acts like I am a new throw rug, if they acknowledge me at all. My MIL was at a baby shower last week and so was I. My DD spoke to her and gave her a little hug. I was going to say hello to her and when I looked in her eyes--nothing--there was no spark of recognition as to who I WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She's dotty, but does not have dementia. She simply hasn't seen me in ages and my hair has gone white, so the color I put on it--well, I'm blonde, not brunette and I'm sure she was wondering who I was. I've also lost weight, but that's not that big a deal---it was just this shudder up my spine of feeling....I was completely invisible to her.
NOTHING is going to change. Nobody but you really WANTS it to--well, that's not true, they want it to, but what they WANT they cannot have.
SO hoping you just can put MIL and SIL on a backburner. Block SIL's # and do NOT take calls or texts from her while MIL is gone. She can text/call DH all the flippin' day, but if you don't hear about her, you can actually relax a little. See your therapist. Get a massage. Call some friends and don't talk about MIL.
It's YOUR vacation.
I would TOTALLY do this to someone who has nagged me to infinity and beyond. Yes, I know it is passive aggressive, but sometimes you gotta have a little fun.
I know there is some online form (likely a bunch of hooey that works for now, til the Airlines catch on and tighten their grip on such things) .. some online form, and some online hack of a psychiatrist. One answers questions, online .. and pays their stipend accordingly and thusly ... ESA designation assigned. Accd'g to SIL when I did ask about all this, .. with United Airlines ... and some form they want utilized.
Have no idea if anything else has been substantiated. Would do no good for me, to get in the middle of it all. Surely she who is so very thorough at all things useful and some things not at all useful .. surely she has dotted her "i's" and crossed her "t's" as to such things. If not .. then I guess it'll be a fire drill to get it all seen to, to step back onto the plane to return to IL.
I'm going to take Xena up on that one. How appropro.
Yes, if she dares to text me tomorrow as to the instructions I'm to see to, .. or this evening for that matter .. I'm going to ignore it, and .. she can talk to her mom about whether her mom remembers what needs seeing to, and the designated appt time and such (I mean afterall, she's fine to be left in her setting .. she must be functional enough to remember appts and follow thru on instructions). I'll ignore anything that comes this way.
But .. if tomorrow, after said appt .. I get a text wanting a full disclosure of word for word, blow for blow .. I'll just toy with her. Yes, that should be a real chuckle. For me anyway. Again, talk to your mom .. she was there .. she can relay to you what was talked about and not talked about ... and if you have any further questions beyond that, their number can be found on google, call em.
I won't be video or audio conferencing her into any setting. Remember, this is the one who is the master at all the potions/pills/procedures that she can conjure up .. and it's all the next magic procedure away from restoration of youth and vitality.
She who saw fit at xmas time, .. to have her mom endure a stress test (FOR WHAT?).
She who .. up until I began to back away from all things absolutely stupid and senseless as to what it takes as to my TIME commitments, thought that the series of B12 shots are going to be the magic fix in all this, having me haul her mom back and forth for successive B12 injections.
She who thought vein ablation was going to be the next magic "fix" for all this .. and began in earnest with all that only to find out, when she was departing to return to IL .. unless her mom wants to partake of some other means to get there, to continue said tx's .. she can scrap that as a plan. I thought it was snake oil salesman stuff .. and wasn't bought in, in the least, thus not wasting my time.
So no .. I'm not gonna conference her into any visit there, for her to then set up some magic pill/potion/procedure that Dorker can now hop to the damn beat of seeing to. Screw that!
So if video or teleconferencing SIL might be a bad idea, could you still sneak in the bit to the doc about MIL's living arrangements? It would be helpful to get, on a visit summary in writing from the doctor, recommendation from the doctor that she needs 24/7 care and/or cannot live alone. A "prescription" for assisted living or palliative care, if you will.
Well established she doesn't tolerate them.
How come I know this and she doesn't?
Hint: she does know it ... she just hopes anything can be brought to bear that will restore her health and ability to continue as she wishes. In her home.
True to form the last round of attempt at Statins. Not tolerated. Gee, saw that coming.
Yes if I have the opportunity tomorrow I will stress to the doc what a struggle everything is For Her... including lack of transport to medical care as well as inability to care for herself .. ask doc point blank ... what do you recommend
She who thought it useful her mom be looked at as to gluten intolerance. Yes of course that would explain the chronic Diahrea. She just needs a gluten free diet... this woman who doesn't eat...unless it's a home cooked meal complete with a social visit.
Off we go for discussion with PCP on that one. Test... yes ... shows some Gluten sensitivity ...
Off we go now to the organic health food store and specialty aisle at the grocery to stock up on Gluten free.
Only to, next time I'm there at MIL house... the above completely scrapped.
No... I refuse to let her meddle into any visit I'm seeing to and from there decide she has the answer to the age old mystery that is the infirm and elderly.
No SIL her gut issues are Diverticulitis.... stop looking for the magic fix ... and by all means stop wasting my time to find it
You are free to bring up YOUR concerns about the idea that MIL might return to FL to live alone after a visit to IL.
Frankly, you'd be a lot more in charge if you let SIL try to run things.
My opinion only, of course. Hive mind, what do you think?
Hope today goes well, Dorker. Remember you're just the driver, any questions or comments can go direct to SIL in preparation for the Grand Visit, forget the rest of it because it's not going to make any material difference to anything at this point, and let MIL make the most of your pleasant company.
Avoid stress, avoid disruptions, avoid complications. Quite apart from headaches for you, all of those can trigger not only MIL's gut problems but also her A Fib. What's more important is a quiet life with a little affection thrown in to sweeten it - and those, lucky for her, you're already helping with.
Breathe. Relax.