I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
My parents rented a motor home once and took my mobility challenged grandmother to visit her sister who was 300 miles away. That was their last chance to see each other.
Keep this plan in your hip pocket if SIL flakes out.
The drama with Narcissa will continue until the day that flight leaves! Good point that you made -- if the diarrhea was better, why did SIL have Narcissa in Depends since she arrived? I bet Narcissa put up a fight over that...or did she? Those legs and feet should be getting better by now, with the Lasix usage, yes?
Your description of taking MIL anywhere by car sounded so similar to taking my mother anywhere, absent the Poochy issue; my mother has no pets. It is almost painful to watch her get in and out of the car. She creeps along with her walker. And when she's in the store, she doesn't remember where anything is, blocks aisles with her cart, etc. I have told my mother over and over that I could do her grocery shopping for her. Her response is, "But then I wouldn't get to pick and choose!" Grocery shopping is one of her very few social outlets. She also has to examine every label for the dreaded Vitamin B6, saturated fat, type of oil used, and Vitamin K used and has to make sure the best-dated can, jar or carton is put in her cart. One can't trust a Dummy Daughter Driver to do that (no, she didn't say that, but it is the implication).
Keep us updated with the departure preparations. The countdown is now to just THREE DAYS!
It remains tiring and tedious but it becomes much less frustrating if you focus strictly on what these exercises are *for*. They are not to get the shopping done efficiently. They are, as you say, a social outlet; and they are also an activity which your mother can do - for now anyway - and prefers to do for herself.
Why see it as a slur on your competence? Your mother wants to see to these things for herself. The implication of taking it out of her hands is that her wish to be satisfied with her choices isn't important; and in terms of getting the right groceries it *isn't* important. But it is to her.
You could also get her dressed quicker and more neatly, get her washed more thoroughly and a heck of a lot faster, do up her shoes, cut up her meals, or, come to that, improve her nutrition through a PEG feeder - ohmygod think how much time that would save! Endless half hours per French fry...
And just imagine if we could limit communication strictly to a Need To Know basis, and use printed signs! No more repeating yourself at a steady crescendo until you're told there's no need to shout and quite frankly you could weep. I could dream...
Supporting an older person is frustrating, boring and exhausting and, on occasion, even revolting. But that is the job we're setting out to do. If you don't expect it to be otherwise you won't need the football helmet quite so often.
You are still allowed to be bored, frustrated, exhausted and therefore less sweet-tempered than you yourself would always like to be, and to say so! "It is okay not to be okay."
Dorker, remember that getting MIL to IL does not have to be accomplished *elegantly*. There are likely to be fraught moments. But they won't be your fraught moments, and one way or another, upside down or the right way up, may she land safely. That's all we have to care about. Do your best to spread calm.
Isn't she seeing her PCP today?
I've long since reconciled that's just the way it was. I knew it didn't have to be. I had friends, with what appeared to be in tact homes (are there such things, really ..???....). Friends, whose parents went to their sporting events and extra curricular activities and encouraged same. Could see/observe, ... things here, they ain't quite right. I knew that, somehow. I just vowed that's not the way I'll do things, and I didn't. So be it. Go beat two old people over the head at this point, 50 some odd years later .. "you guys were both LOUSY parents. What would that achieve? Could've been a lot worse. I never had my hand held to a stove eye, or head shoved in a toilet bowl .. or whatever horrible abuse gets meted out to some poor kids.
Ya know, on the front on how best to get MIL from point A to B .. it's my assessment, .. and MO ... and maybe I'm wrong here. But I think, there was, at least at one point in all this .. as Dorker began to sound the alarm. Dorker was seen as a PITA .. that's making more drama than necessary, things aren't that bad.
No, they have gotten progressively worse (as they will do in these cases). Maybe in the day/time that I was beginning to sound the alarm, had we had that cohesion and "team" of working together towards the end goal .... maybe a bit of an adventure would've been the scene .. and an RV rented .. and off we'd of gone, at least two of us, to get this done .. and MIL maybe even more able to handle that scene.
Seems to me (but again, maybe I'm wrong here, doesn't matter really in the end, because it's not my horse to push) ... seems to me, .. there was some displaced anger at me, for my assertions. Rather than deal with what "is" .. it was easier to maybe point the finger at me as the culprit to too much drama, all this isn't the problem she's raising such a ruckus about .. etc etc etc.
I don't think it's that way anymore, particularly with DH. I think he has seen .. more of a face-first .. what all it takes. In fact, .. he said when he was over there, his mother said these words, "you know I hear it all over the news, this year isn't supposed to be all that threatening as to hurricanes". I guess that was her .. ??.....maybe ... attempt at getting, even in this 9th hour .. getting all to back off this .. "NEED" to have her secured elsewhere in the event of storms. I'm sure that was her reasoning.
It was met (so DH tells me) with his response of: "Yea, I've heard that mom, .. but they've said that before, they don't really know, . and ya know, it's going to be such a relief to me to know that you are out of harm's way .. and safely tucked away at Sister's .. and her caring for you .. you'll do so much better there, those ankles of yours that look like coffee cans, .. that'll subside, you'll be eating, sister cooks meals .. you'll be taking your meds, .. and I can't have my almost 90 yo mom living thru the hardships of no power, . and it's hot .. and so forth ... in the event of a storm .. it'll be such a relief to me, to know that you're not here to have to be concerned with it".
HOORAY DH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Finally!
There was a time,... very much so, that Dorker was over here alone in that sentiment .. and some animosity directed at me, for any assertion that we need to do otherwise, .. she'll be fine, she'll manage, she has a team .. she's so stubborn, what are we gonna do with her. And point the finger at Dorker as the one creating all this unnecessary ruckus.
I don't think that's the case any longer, at least with him and his approach. His mom might've said that a year ago .. and been met with a "there there dear ..you needn't worry, .. we'll all
We'll all figure this out just fine, .. Dorker is just being a PITA here ..
As DH said yesterday talking about all this: "No, what she wants . fervently wants .. is to stay in her home .. but she doesn't have it (pointing to his brain) upstairs anymore to figure out what all it takes to keep her in that home she so doesn't want to leave".
HERE HERE!!!!!!!!!!!! Amen. Singing my song.
Does his sister see that too? Is she on that page, firmly dug in? I don't really know. I would say, knowing her,.. she is probably of the mindset, .. get mom to my house, . make sure meds are taken, get that PT initiated,.. and I'll haul her hither and yon for that .. make sure she's eating, hydrating .. I'll get her stronger .. (and maybe even SIL on the page that her mom, strengthened and doing better, can be deposited back in FL at some point). I wouldn't put it past her, to have that kinda mindset.
Does SIL have residual anger at the Dorker Drama .. that was at one time, maybe how it was seen. If she does, she doesn't openly discuss it. I think she's insightful enough to realize, Dorker doesn't have to do one damn thing .. not one iota of a thing in any of this .... and so better tread lightly .. if I ever hope to engage Dorker in something even as simple as picking up a stick that fell on the walkway.
I feel for her, in a sense. She is fixing to walk into some territory that isn't gonna be pleasant .. in taking her mom into her home, and fraught with all kinds of turmoil .. in caring for her mom. She may even find it's not viable .. in the end. MIL mouthing off to and about her husband .. too much in the end, to care for her, .. and the incontinence a problem bigger than any of us knew .. just all of it. She may be biting off here, more than she can deal with. Time will tell.
The latest .. problem du jour ..
That auto.
You have SIL's side of things: "I'm really kinda Leary about driving that car, .. we'll just deal with it when we come back in December .. worried I'll get stranded somewhere".
You have DH's side of things on that issue: "That car is fine .. it's just some code .. they'll get it figured out, if they'll just take it in .. I'd drive it all day today .. or tomorrow or the next, .. it's fine".
So in there .. you get a text from SIL: That she's hesitant to drive that car, but needs to get to the hardware store to find a hide-a-key, .. for the yard man .. so they can stick that on the outside AC unit, for his accessibility to the key for the padlock to mow the b'yard. But she's hesitant to drive that car. That she also needs to get to Walgreens .. that they didn't have on hand .. the whole order for MIL's rx's .. and will have it in as of tonight .. to fill the whole order.
Told DH this .. and his response, "she can drive that car, there's no problem with it.
You have SIL: "I may need one of you to go get those items .. since I don't really trust that car".
At this point, .. I'm over here, .. kind of the mind set .. first off .. let's look on Amazon .. I can have that hide-a-key thing at your doorstep this afternoon. Nope .. it won't be there til Wednesday .. and who knows what time. That will cause SIL to spin like a top that if it isn't right, doesn't work, something wrong with it, doesn't arrive on time, so forth and so on .. OMG .. and we have to be at the airport THE NEXT DAY so not time left to deal with it.
THIS IS truly how that saga would go.
SO maybe I'll run out to the hardware store and get that, .. if it'll help things make forward progress. Those Walgreens rx's .. yes ........ maybe I'll just go get em myself .. not a Thursday .. and boundaries being honored, but if it'll help with forward progress, .. maybe I'll hop all over that!
Yep there'd of been a time that trip could've been made a little more as an adventure and one she could weather. But in that day and hour, .. Dorker was the problem, not MIL. So be it.
I don't have a good relationship with my mother. That relationship was further irreparably damaged over two years ago when I was screamed at that I wasn't "right in the head," that I had a memory problem, that I was WRONG, etc. I vividly remember the split in my thinking towards her from that point on.
We always say here that some people should not be caregivers. That would be me. But I was forced to become her Dummy Daughter Driver because she gave me her car. I told her I didn't want it, but I was ignored. I know now that I should have insisted on refusing the car. She is not happy that I put very firm boundaries on when/where I will drive her. I resent facilitating her delusions of competency.
I do not have the tolerance for my mother's difficult and controlling personality (exacerbated by old age). She thinks I'm inconsequential, unlike what she thinks of my brothers (especially the one who never visits). She damaged my self-esteem badly while growing up.
I have my escape planned. If she someday ends up hospitalized (likely from a fall), then rehab (I will refuse to help her do rehab in-home), her living situation will be in question, I will step out at that point. I won't even help with the decision on which facility. And I won't be the point person. My brothers will have to step up. The most I will agree to do will be a periodic visit.
I have actually suggested that the facility be near the brother who never visits, the one who walks on water. That's wishful thinking, though.
What runs into in these things .. is this.
1) You call the hotel, .. they reserve certain rooms as pet-friendly .. not every room, .. reason being .. some people have animal dander allergies .. and so .. if you put said person in that room .. where a pet stayed before, now that person's allergies flare off and you have a problem. So .. you find .. that you have to find a hotel that has pet friendly room .. .. *available* for vacancy.
2) Also .. MIL needs ADA accommodations .. do they have a "pet friendly" room available that is also "ADA"?
It's a problem .. it limits what .. let's say myself, no pet .. no ADA accommodation needed. I can pull into any decent motel and whatever they give me, within reason .. I'm good to go. Not so with her. It dials down on, and limits .. availability and would be a logistical chore for sure, to jump on, to get it set up in advance, doable, yes. And I would do it ... I wouldn't have a problem with charting that out.
Okay today we are setting out to make to point "X" .. and we already have a room reserved at "so and so street, in such and such city", that's our mission for today. Tomorrow, we'll hit the road and get as far as "so and so" and we have our room already reserved at so and so street in such and such city.
It's doable .. but yes .. some logistics to it all.
If needed, I'll be sure and throw that out there for SIL's consideration.
It's too bad that wasn't something she thought viable, when I offered to accompany and assist. That and my offer to assist with flying there with them.
So be it.
If it needs to change course at this point .. then so be it. I can certainly plot it out .. and mark each stop, etc.
I wouldn't beat them over the head with it. Just refuse to be very involved. Elders should reap what they sow.
And, by the way, I had MY head shoved in a toilet bowl by my mother (not just me, my brothers, also). It only happened once, I think. We were paddled (probably not any more than was acceptable at the time). I remember my mother verbally berating me, including one time yelling out at a store what she thought my mental problems were (I was about age 13...I still cringe to remember that). She had screaming fits that really damaged me emotionally, I know now.
There is emotional abuse (what I had) and neglect (what you had). Both should exempt children from elder caregiving, especially if they don't want to do it.
Only 3 more days to go!!
That appt was originally made, to discuss refill on the Gabapentin (Gabapentin MIL doesn't take, but should .. maybe SIL .. in her watchful care can see that now gets on board) .. was to see about refills on Cipro (her so prone for UTI and Diverticulitis flare up) .. and so wanted to talk about refills on Cipro.
I guess those later items were also discussed along with the grotesque edema that was seen to.
The ever present Diarrhea, supposedly .. not an issue at that juncture .. or so it would be asserted anyway ... wasn't discussed.
So no, there is no PCP appt slated for today.
He'd of had the approach he had months ago.
Let's remember all the lamenting SIL has done over the last several weeks, .. that she just doesn't know if it'll be too disruptive with the basement work, .. that she just hopes they can all get along ..
Efforts on her part, .. to stick her toe in the waters .. (in my estimation) .. to see if there is any hesitation on this end .. does she have DH in her corner still, to all of them get up against Dorker with a "She'll be fine ... she'll manage".
She didn't have that, this time. Her laments .. only brought about mostly silence on his part .. he isn't real responsiveness to her texts. HIs mom's laments about this not being necessary that she'd be fine .. didn't meet, not this time, with pats on the hand ... and a "there there mother, ... we'll deal with this, .. it's not that bad .. we'll all pitch in and .. we'll make this work". Not this time.
At first .. my assertions that she needs more care, were met up against 3 people who didn't agree with that approach, SIL/MIL/DH.
I think, .. slowly ... he has seen ..
Is he of the ilk, at this point that if there is some firm dug in heels that she is NOT GOING ANYWHERE .................... EVER ............!!!!!!!!............... is he of the ilk, that it would be approached like Barb described, .. lovingly supportively but .. "Mom, we love you, but you will have to make a choice, either you're going to sister's or you're going into a facility that we'll be glad to help find for you .. but staying here .. by yourself any longer, isn't an option .. so which do you want to do".
Is he of that ilk .. no .. I think that if she dug in her heels and said BY DAMN I AM NOT DOING THIS .............
It'd be more status quo .. step n fetchit .. catch as catch can .. absent Dorker on the scene to prop it up .. and him .. with the fixit chores, and hand-holding thru illness, and/or step n fetchit as to needs .. so forth and so on.
I don't think .. for a minute that either of them would take that approach .. and dig in their heels just as firmly .. "nope mom .. love ya, but that aint gonna happen".
They'd cave.
Your mom is lucky that she has you to cart her around. Very lucky, more than she deserves.
There is very much a difference between abuse (physical/emotional) and just "neglect".
I was trained very well .. to be the "yes" gal I grew up to be. And the "people pleaser". I'd like to see anyone raised by an alcoholic parent .. and the enabler .. that isn't a people pleaser and yes gal. Probably there are two results .. 1) you become an alcoholic yourself .. or .. 2) you become the people pleaser.
I can reflect back on .. how fortunate my mom must've been in having me for a daughter. Once I got my DL .. I was given the task of grocery shopping. All too happy to do it .. (when we had the $ to do so .. that bar bill had to be paid first, so it was always pared down to the bare bones minimum as funds weren't there to really stock up much). Probably also why I get so much chit from MIL about my over-stuffed cupboards.
So mom would have me get things that I could fix for dinner, .. cheap things yes .. but at least now they wouldn't have to depart the bar scene to make sure and run thru some take out establishment to feed those pesky urchins at home.
Dorker would take care of that. Fix up some hamburger helper .. and wahlaa, dinner done.
I didn't mind at the time, really, I don't think. Always of the domestication sort.
But how my life might've turned out differently had I had parents that were encouraging of me to maybe pursue some of my own interests .. maybe more engaged in their kids lives and how that should play out.
It isn't what the reality was. So be it though. I am no worse for the wear, I don't suppose.
Unlike some who have deep emotional scars from some horrible abuse.
In fairness to my mother (and father; while he didn't shout at me, he didn't stop my mother from doing so), there was no neglect of any of us. Although my parents penny-pinched, we all had our extracurricular activities and college educations fully paid for, they paid for my wedding, and they were thrifty through the years so that there is a considerable trust that will be inherited.
I do have emotional scars, though.
I think about, at times, .. how my life might've been different .. were I given a set of parents that weren't so self-absorbed. My affinity for music .. had that been something they encouraged. Where might that have taken me? I don't know, maybe nowhere. But it might've engaged me and networked me into cultivating that aspect of my character and being.
Instead I was excelling, at domestic type things. In charge of corralling a little brother in the evenings, .. from playing outside .. and getting him into the bath .. and cleaned up for the night, .. cooking dinner, washing dishes, .. figuring out a grocery budget .. so forth. Basically being a "mom" to two younger brothers. In that, it's likely I only saw that as a path forward.
Would I have persued, perhaps a different path for a career .. had I had some encouragement on that front. Instead I had a stepmom, .. probably far more concerned with the wallet than what my future might be .. and encouraging I sign up for, in high school and apply myself, to all the business classes possible, so that I could exit high school and be the best sect'y ever, shorthand/typing, etc.
Her husband, my dad, .. far more engaged in his own career climbing and so forth, than that of any kids.
The bottom line, these are two folks that should've never had kids, .. neither were real cut out to nurture/mold and so forth .. two little minds and beings into what their potential might one day be.
But .. here they were, now divorced, stuck with these little urchins .. and what to do .. oh well, .. we'll let em raise themselves as best they can, pretty much.
It is what it is, as they say.
I wasn't abused .. in any way .. nobody ever beat me ... nobody ever did anything emotionally abusive such as shouting me out in public .. or anything of the sort.
For that, I can be grateful.
So today in touch with SIL, I will .. among the other things I have to do, take care of those two pesky issues .. the lockbox thing .. and rx's from Walgreens .. and any other stops along the way that are necessary. So she won't have to drive that auto that she doesn't trust at this point, but doesn't wish to deal with yet.
Anything to help further this thing along. She was asked, by me, "so .. how are we doing on the gut issue, .. think things are gonna settle there, enough to fly?".
Her answer: "I hope so".
Leaving it at that.
My mother still insults me in public. When she went to the hairdresser, she was bemoaning to someone she used to see at the mall that she used to love to windowshop, but now she has to wait for her sons to come down and they take her. She also made sure to tell this man that, "My SONS care so much about me."
The hairdresser heard this and rushed over to assure her that her daughter must love her, too, and my mother sniffs, "Sometimes I don't think she does."
A bit of a drama queen! When the hairdresser finally took her back, a woman who had raised her eyebrows at the exchange said to me, "That must be hurtful for you." I shrugged my shoulders and said I was used to it. She asked, "So where are these sons?" and I informed her they were all states away and came down as little as possible, of course.
I WOULD take her to the mall on occasion to look around, BUT she uses up all of my time and patience with the hours-long grocery shopping trips. She gets driven to medical appointments, Mass and chair yoga once a week followed by grocery shopping. She would also like to go out to eat. She has supposed "friends" that she refuses to call to suggest that they go out for lunch. ("I can't impose on people that way!") Well, she's not going to impose on ME that way, either.
Even SIL .. who is always so damn clueless, .. even she sees it, and commented.
So I go out to MIL's after stopping for that key box .. and then for her rx's to deliver those.
There I find the lawn guy at work,.. mowing .. but also had lopped the shrubbery down (remember I said that the shrubs are getting leggy). He'd done that and was at work, mowing.
SIL in the garage retrieving the vacuum. She said: "Wait til you see the deck outside!".
She goes into explaining the neighbors had hired someone to pressure wash .. and she walked over to ask how much to pressure wash the deck out back and he said $50 .. so she had MIL pay to have that done. The guy noticed some black mold growing .. on the outside brick, exterior of MIL's bedroom side of the house. That'll be an add'l $25, had MIL pay for that also. So SIL was retrieving the vacuum as the pressure washing outside MIL's bedroom had blown some debris thru the window sill and onto the floor, her on her way to clean that up.
I went on inside, and found MIL ambling her way into the kitchen for some lunch.
I guess SIL had beckoned her to come eat, prior to my getting there. The scrumptious (NOT) looking lunch of white rice, .. half a banana .. some applesauce and some ginger ale. MIL ambling her way in to sit down to that.
SIL then taking the key thing out of it's wrapper, to get it set up with the key in it, and questioned .. "Hmm .. wonder if I should put a little tag on the key .. so we know what it's for?".
MIL .. then chiming in, "I don't even question anymore ... I don't even ask, doesn't matter".
She, MIL, .. sitting there, .. "I've just given up, .. let her just take over here, .. it's senseless to even try anymore". I said, with a chipper tone .. "Well that's good!, .. if anyone can do it, she can!". That was met with a dour stare from MIL .. and a response of, "Well I might as well .. she's gonna do whatever the hell she wants to do any damn way".
(SIL standing right there, not like she was talking about her behind her back)
SIL still, at this point fiddling with the key and trying to finagle a way to put some kinda tag on it.
SIL now pointing out to me, the shiny new deck, having been pressure washed, ..and explaining that cost, as well as the black mold out on the outside of the house that had been taken care of, and the cost.
MIL: "S .. Do I even have a dime left? Ya know, I just can't afford all this .. I really can't .. you come here and you want to fix everything, but you want to spend my $ to do it".
Neither of us answered to that.
MIL: "Ya know, I don't guess I'll live to get back here to see it all .. here I am paying for all this chit that I won't even be here to enjoy at all, .. I won't even be out there to see the outside of the brick where that was cleaned up".
Me: "Well hell MIL .. you might as well cross the Sahara Dessert .. it'd be about the same, you trying to get out there to that end of the yard to look at that brick exterior over there. Have SIL take a pic on her phone and show it to ya".
MIL: Another dour look .. "I just don't give a chit anymore Dorker".
No response. SIL now gone ..(that hamster wheel is at full tilt) .. she'd gone now to go stop the lawn guy to show him (that key thing is purposely for him) wanted to stop him and show him that it's now available and where it will be found, so he can access the b'yard in the future to mow. SIL no longer present.
MIL looks at me, SIL now not in the room, "it's begun!!!!! She's here!!!!, I tell ya, I just give up .. that's what you have to do .. you have to just throw in the towel and give up".
I said, "Give up?, on what?".
MIL: "ON EVERYTHING .......... you just throw in the towel and let her have at it .. that's what you have to do .. she runs the show!".
You and MIL have in common that SIL drives you both crazy, and you, SIL and DH have in common that MIL drives you all crazy too :) At least MIL isn't digging in her heels at this point. Sounds like she knows the plane ride needs to happen.
She's got three days to get her mother packed for an extended stay and her priority is getting the deck pressure-washed.
You know when bluebottles zap round the room and won't sit still politely so's you can squish them? Yeah. Well. Give MIL a pat on the shoulder from me.
And see if you can't get SIL to meditate for ten minutes. Please. For God's sake.
By this point SIL is now coming back in .. as I said the following, and SIL came in on this and heard me "Well MIL, like I've told ya before, you could be sitting in a nursing home where nobody gives a chit about ya .. ".
SIL chimes in: "At this point, that probably looks like the better option to her", as she continues on moving .. doesn't stop onto the next thing and the next.
MIL sitting there with her super yummy (NOT) rice and applesauce, etc. She looks up and me with that dour look .. "ya know, back eons ago .. when I used to go check on that woman that lived in that horrible side of town .. I'd go check on her some .. she was a friend of my grandmother's .. and she lived alone and she was so old and so decrepit and I'd go check on her, visit with her .. and eventually she ended up in a nursing home. I can remember going to visit her there, . and we'd sit in what they called their Day Room to visit .. and there'd be other old folks there, .. all slumped over in their wheel chairs, .. they don't even look up ..don't even know you're there ... their head all slung low. I guess that's what it has come to at this point .. I'm one of them .. I just don't care anymore".
Me: SIL now flittering thru as that hamster wheels spins .. her in and out and around .. doing and doing, "well .. ya know, I think you're gonna be just fine .. you aren't going to a nursing home where nobody cares about ya . you're going to your daughter's .. and there you'll have your medicines .. you'll be eating better, . you won't be lonely .. let me look at those ankles, how are they looking", as I gander down below the table she's sitting at .. "WOW .. MIL .. those ankles .. they look a LOT better .. (they still have a ways to go though) .. "See MIL .. look, your daughter has been here now what, 3 whole days and even that is improved already".
She responds, MIL does: "Ya know, you just get to where you don't care anymore".
Me: "Ya know MIL, I remember when YD worked at that little retirement place and she talked of holidays and such .. watching different residents .. that some were able to have family members come get them .. and take them off site .. some would just come and spend time with the resident there on site .. and eat there, but there were always the sad cases that nobody ever came for them .. to visit or otherwise, YD talked about that".
MIL: "and ya know .. (as she puts down her fork, with a determined look at this point) .. "they probably had passed the point of caring .. that's where I am .. you just get to where you don't care anymore".
Me: "oh now .. you have to change your perspective here MIL .. look .. you can go up there and visit some with M (SIL's daughter) .. and maybe she'll bring her doggy or all of them over for a visit .. you can maybe even be carted off to one of her favorite vegetarian places for lunch out .. you'll get to spend more time with her .. (me with a chipper tone) .. and you'll feel better .. you'll be stronger, you're gonna get PT .. and you'll be eating better and taking your meds".
MIL: "Do you think I give one chit about spending time with M?, I don't care about that. .. I don't care one thing about that".
MIL: "you get to the point you just feel so bad .. that's where I am, I just feel so bad .. none of it matters anymore. I'll never see this place again .. you know what I'll miss the most?, .. the thing that I will miss the most is sitting right here where I am at this moment, .. and staring out onto the b'yard .. and remembering, my memories .. and my thoughts .. That's what I'll miss the very most about being here, and I'll never see this place again, I'll never get back here again".
Me: "Why would you say that?, .. you're going to get stronger, you'll be back here at xmas .. you'll feel better, by the time you get back here again".
MIL: That dour look again, from the tops of her eyes .. as she barely raises her head to speak .. "If you say that one more time,
"if you say that one more time, I'm gonna pick up this glass of water and sling it at ya".
Me: (making a joke) look at my phone .. "let's see, I have the Lazy Days rest home on speed dial here, .. come get her .. time for her to be restrained to a bed somewhere ..!!!".
SIL now flittering through again, "isn't she just so pleasant these days .. she's just a joy".
MIL now looking at her bowl of white rice, .. and remarking at how not wonderful this is for a lunch and how pizzed she is that she's back in these shoes again with diarrhea ..
SIL now questioning, .. "Well mom when was your last diarrhea episode?".
At that MIL thunders out, as much as an 88 yo can thunder anything: "S I AM NOT ANSWERING ANOTHER QUESTION .. I DON'T KNOW .. DON'T ASK ME AGAIN".
SIL: "Well I'm just trying to help here, I have to know .. I mean .. do we need to get the Imodium going .. I am just trying to figure out where we go from here, if we need to"
MIL: "Get that away from me, I'm not taking that!".
At that SIL went to flitter about elsewhere .. and I was still there at the kitchen table, and I said to MIL: "Is that what you want, to go to a nursing home?, is that looking better to you than going to your daughter's".
MIL: "I don't want to go any damn where Dorker, I want to just have that cloud in the sky come for me, I just wish that would happen .. that's what I want".
Me: "Well .. until then ...???...... Look MIL . when it was your dad that was aging and needing more help .. you and your sister didn't let him just languish away .. you looked after him .. look at your ankles .. already improvement there .. look at what you're sitting there to eat .. some bland foods that will help restore your gut function hopefully .. you wouldn't have that without your daughter's care and accommodation to look after you, you gotta change your perspective .. be grateful that you have a daughter willing to care about you".
At that, she began standing up .. didn't respond to the above .. and said "I gotta go back to the bathroom, that's all I do now is pee .. pee and pee .. and pee .. that and crap .. that's what I do .. I sit here and eat this chit .. and then I go crap it out ... and then I pee and pee and pee".
And with that she was gone.
SIL and I then tore into the package for the timer for the lamp (she'd wanted me to get that also while at the hardware store, a timer so the lamp will come on and off, .. so any burglar might think someone is home, by golly that lamp comes on every night at 7 and goes off .. at 11, there must be someone there). She and I tore into that package to read the instrutions on how to set that up .. and MIL never did return from the bathroom and so I left.
What a Plesantville that was not!
And .. to anyone who thinks that I expect to see gratitude and graciousness on her part ....at a time when she is being upended from the world as she knows it. I do have some realization that may just be beyond what she can conjure at this point .. she just isn't able to do it, mentally/emotionally maybe. How nice it would be if she would ....
How horrible would it be if I was a real Beotch and hit her with .. "Well . ya know, dont' wanna hear it .. you dont' take care of yourself you aren't able to anymore, so .. deal with it .. don't wanna hear another thing about it", and then waltz off.
I didn't. Maybe that should be the approach just hit her with mean-ness.
Just wow!
SIL is gonna have it hard. SIL .. when I left, walked me out .. talked herself of how negative she is, and only said, "I know it's hard for her, this is the world she knows and the one she wants to keep .. and she just is struggling with it, .. I'm just trying to be patient and understanding about it .. I think she'll be alright once I get her on the plane .. and up to my house .. it's just .. it's all so overwhelming to her".
Jeeze-o-man!
And we all hope for Dorker's sake that this will be the case.
Take a photo of the backyard, enlarge and print it (maybe frame it, too) and send it to MIL in IL.
I loved the part about maybe M can bring her three dogs to visit. Haha!
MIL is very fortunate that SIL is going to take care of her. Her and that spoiled dog. She needs to stop the whining and start acting appreciative.
Complaining in front of SIL like that does make me wonder if she'll start badmouthing SIL's H, figuring it will be the one thing that gets her back to FL.
Not so much sils choice to pressure wash the deck. But who knows - maybe she got it in her head that it was needed as a seasonal
preemmptive strike..?
Anyhoo - I mean defend her from MILs grousing that sil has taken over and is making decisions without MILs consent.
Cause that could have been my mom talking.
When it came time to do something she didn’t want to do my mother could find a thousand different ways to try to put it off. Often times she would use the excuse of “thinking it over”. This could go on for days on end. Sometimes I swear to God she did it on purpose just to drive a bug up my azz - to show me who was really in control.
Eventually a decision would have to be made and I would just make it. Hopefully making the choice that was ultimately in my mothers best interest.
Any chance there’s a bit of that going on - with mil playing the passive aggressive victim due to this choice - having to leave her beloved perch- being taken out of her control?
Yes, she is going to tear into SILs hubby within a day or two of being there, if she makes it there. I'd put money on this. I hope SIL won't let her get away with it. They have a lot of anger and want to take it out on someone and usually find a victim. My relative did this to her son-in-law.
I think it's more of SIL's useless busyness. That's what I think.
Do I think MIL cognitive enough to be annoyed at all the busyness of unnecessary superfluous "stuff". No . not really I don't. I think MIL is just annoyed and in a cranky damn mood through and through. SIL could be directing the jet to her front door .. so she doesn't even have to do anything but exit her front door, and MIL would have a problem with it at this point.
Her kitchen table, .. (her perch of perches) .. was an array of chaos .. and MIL remarked about that ...
I said when she remarked, "yea I was gonna say ...????......I sure hope this controlled chaos means something to somebody .. looks like a huge disorganized mess if you ask me".
SIL then pointing out poochy's special shampoo that has to go .. poochy's special rinse for when he gets those skin afflictions .. poochy's special probiotic he also takes .. poochies this and that, .. her saying, "Well this is poochy's that I need to pack and this over here, this is all mom's meds and stuff .. so I need to pack that too".
Just a hodgepodge of chaos is what it looked like to me.
I guess at this point, SIL is the brunt of MIL's being disgruntled over the whole thing. There's nothing SIL can do that's right, not right now. I guess, SIL being the object of that which is going to upend her world and haul her away from her beloved home .. that's all she can see, all she can even contemplate.
Not the other end of things which is that she feels so bad and so apparent she can't take care of herself .. and that she needs someone overseeing that .. I don't guess she can even see any of that.
Try this Dorker - when she days she's at the point of "not caring" anymore, agree with her. Say something like
"Good. Everyone reaches the point in old age where they just don't give a chit, and that's when it's time to do the things YOU actually choose to do. Let us young ones take care of the chit things for you. He~~, SIL can even handle all the bills if you like and we'll all try to do everything we can to make you as comfortable as possible so you can relax! That is what we are all trying to do!" Commiserate, like "Yes - I can imagine it's hard getting old. Old age ain't for the timid!"
All my mom really enjoyed, by the end were her tv shows, her newspaper, and her dog. Not the life we envision for a vibrant elderly person, but alas - that was the actuality of it. Oh - and the once a week outing of HER choice, which was generally either picking her own food tediously contemplating every minute item, row by row while I pushed her up and down the rows with her basket on her lap, or the same thing in the dollar store. But I realized, that IS what she enjoys now. That IS a fun outing to her. That it was truly enough. Boring as he~~ to me, but I was prepared to give her that outing of her choice, and had allotted the time.
He won't be able to win. If he's there, then he's "under foot" and not helping . if he's off and gone, then "where is he, why is he nowhere around to help with all this".
EASY TARGET
I'm sure it is .. for MIL .. this is the end of the world, .. which is why she's put up such resistance for so long .. and I guess she still would, if anyone would listen and heed.
Her daughter .. yes ... she and all her busyness ... it's enough to drive me to distraction. I can't be around it for very long . not and get aggravated myself. And I'm not 88 yo.
I can only hope that life won't be that way once in IL, not all the time.
I know it's that way when she comes here .. she doesn't stop .. E-V-E-R!
Not in my control at all, not one bit. But I've shared with SIL .. in the past (hasn't done any good, she doesn't stop .. read that again, E-V-E-R) .. "you need to be someone your mom can enjoy at least some of the time, you're always so busy battening down one thing and the next and the next, a chore-meister .. always .. you gotta stop .. visit with her .. go to lunch with her .. just enjoy her some".
SIL's response has been: "There's always so much to do, hell she can't do it .. when I come here, that's why I'm here, to help her as much as I possibly can".
SIL: "I DO VISIT WITH HER .............. we sit and eat b'fast together every morning, ... I don't just stick my face in the cereal bowl and refuse to speak to her .. we talk .. we visit .. over b'fast . but then I usually have 100 things to do".
Not mine to fix whatever is broken there .. and just so glad that things can finally take the turn they need to, ... fingers crossed that it will.
SIL is gonna have her work cut out for her though.
MY GOD!