I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
I did say that to her: on that line of changing her perspective on things .. "your daughter is doing all she can to make sure you're comfortable and making accommodations to her home for you .. you should be grateful that you have a daughter that cares for you", .. is about how I worded it.
So yes that part was added in there, about making her comfortable.
Doesn't help. She's just cranky and cantankerous and is not gonna be happy about this, no matter what.
Oh and another point to ponder. As DH asked of me, .. "what am I gonna do when mother is calling me from there, begging me to come get her, .. what am I gonna do?".
I said in response: "Yes .. you're gonna have to be really strong .. and realize she's where she needs to be and give it time for her to adjust ..".
He interrupted, .. "I'll call sister .. and let her know she's doing that .. I'm sure sister will be just as stumped as can be . that she's doing everything she can to make her comfortable there".
Me: "Yes .. you know she will .. she'll walk on water for your mom, morning noon and night .. so you're going to have to be strong and realize this is what's best for her ..".
DH: "I'm gonna have to fly up there at some point probably to go visit her".
ME: "Not for a little while though .. give it some time .. let her adjust and acclimate there .. if you go too soon, she'll be begging you to take her back with you .. that you can't leave without her".
So there's that also ongoing.
Oh the drama.
I do not envy MIL or SIL and their flight. I hope it is uneventful. I could be a “mess”. Let’s just not think about that....
Three days. Eyes on the prize!
It is interesting that so many of us with not so great families as children grew up to be Mrs Fix Its.
Just agree with her. Yes, you are right. It's hard getting old. Wish it could be different.
I imagine I won't much like it either if/when my life revolves around "pee and chit" either. But with CHF, she is kind of accurate. That is what it kind of becomes... And sorry, but it gets even worse, barring some other occurrence. (ie stroke, fall, sepsis)
Would H actually fly up to visit MIL? Would he take the time to do that?
I doubt that he would actually go up to IL to retrieve her, don't you?
I do take issue with MIL’s refrain that she’s devastated at the prospect of being separated from her window and her birds. Cuz that’s all she has and that’s all she’ll miss.
Has it crossed this old fool’s mind that IL has birds? Oh -newsflash - SIL’s house has windows, too.
Ya know what’s not in IL? MIL’s dear son and dear Dorker. MIL’s three FL granddaughters. MIL’s three FL great-grandchildren.
They’ve always been a few minutes away, and they’ve always been there for MIL.
But that means nothing to MIL, apparently. The only thing she’s going to miss about FL is the view out her filmy window. She said so herself.
Have it your way, granny. Thanks to your abysmal attitude, your FL family won’t miss you either.
Her concerns (newspaper, tv channels, food choices) basically just continued in her new setting. I provided, she was - uh, not exactly happy, but placated and as content as she could be.
As infuriating as it makes us, we eventually reach the inevitable conclusion that they aren't ever going to change at this point in their life, and we need to totally accept that they are what they are, and then deal with it all as we choose. Like you did, Dorker. Hope SIL reaches that realization at some point too.
But will he hear her sad tale of woe .. likely more than once? You bet. Count on it. She will call him and implore that she just can't abide by this .. and would he come get her. Bet on it.
I don't see .. no one in all this has the hot headed temperment that you'd see that she get thrown out, .. "I've packed her chit and we're on the next plane outta here . leaving her at the airport, how she gets home .. is on her .. I'm done .. she is NOT gonna talk to my husband the way she does, she can go screw herself, I don't care if she lives under a damn bridge".
You'd NEVER hear/see that out of SIL. N-E-V-E-R .. or anything close to it. Patient to the inth degree.
What will she do if MIL is in residence there and routinely insulting her husband? She'll do as I've seen her do countless times previously, .. admonish her mom. Repeatedly.
SIL is also fortunate that her husband is a kind kind .. soft spoken gentle soul, without an "anger fiber" anywhere in his being. It's not like he's of the ilk, that he'd be going to his wife, .. SIL .. "Ya know, this has gotta stop .. she's gotta go .. did you hear what she just said to me, that's like the 10th time today .. she does this every day, and I'm not gonna put up with it".
That's not him. .
As I said of him, has a real knack of understanding and clarity at the fact she is old and cranky and says things she shouldn't. He has a real "ability" to weather all that.
What you might see though, .. stress .. makes him get manic. He might get manic .. in fact, I would almost count on it .. if MIL is sounding off and stressing him out.
And that in turn, will then cause MIL to implore even the post man .. anyone she can find .. to get her outta there.
Again, not my fish to fry. That's gonna have to be up to her son and daughter. I've done my tour of duty.
I was pondering as I drove home from her house .. "when will I miss her?, . will I ever, .. I don't expect that I will, .. if I do, it will be a long long while".
The "her" that was to know and to love has been replaced by this needy/cranky person .. what's to miss. I'm sorry .. but she has become one more thing on all our check list of *to-do* .. too frequently ...
Makes me reflect on some things DD's husband said at one time. He, and his family .. at that time, weathering the withering pressure of a g'dad that was ill and cranky and needy .. for far too long. A g'dad he thought the world of and was instrumental in raising him ..
He said of that whole thing, back when it was so bad .. and the g'dad .. every other day being put in the hospital for one stupid thing or another .. when he should've been choosing Hospice ... and all the other superfluous "STUFF" the g'dad would create for all the stepper and fetchers in his circumfrence.
As her husband weathered all this .. him talking of his g'dad .. and how the memories of the good times, .. they aren't even there anymore .. it's all just this cranky, crotchety old man that is never happy and makes everyone around him miserable, routinely.
But .. as he put it, .. then they die ... eventually .. and all that bad stuff .. that then goes away .. and you remember the good stuff.
Remembering that particular dialogue .. on my drive home from MIL's and how cranky and ugly she was being ..
She's not anyone, any longer, that we all just clamor to go spend time with .. it's more out of obligation .. and sorrow for her loneliness, and neediness.
And now it's even ramped up more .. now that she's being uprooted .. she's even more cranky and just plain ole mean.
My own mother complains incessantly about how "small" her world has become and how messy and hard it is to move about, etc....and wonders why nobody wants to visit her. She won't LET us help her, She needs something to complain about!
She's also MIL's twin in getting her own way, come hell or highwater. Sis planned an 88th bday party for mother at her lovely cabin. I got the email and called sis and said "No fair! You get the bonus points for planning this things and you know darn well she'll come down with something, fall, get too short of breath to the point she'll want oxygen--you name it..I'm not even PENCILING this date in--it is NOT happening. And it didn't. Took her 3 weeks of drama and fussing and we all just gave up. My daughter came to town with her 3 month old baby and that was the ONLY chance mother had to meet this little guy...she was MIFFED that they did not have time to make a special trip to HER.
I really think SIL may have some planning issues--stuff that the rest of us are considering as being "necessary" she acts like it's a huge un-doable shock. OF COURSE she should have booked 2 1st class tickets. If I were that 3rd person on their row, I would have a little Platinum member meltdown.
Still thinking that they will look at this sorry excuse for a dog and say "no, sorry lady, this ain't no emotional support dog". For one thing, does poochy wear the "uniform" of a vest? Does he bark at other dogs? He may not spend much time on the plane, if he even gets to the gate.
I'd feel sorry for MIL but she has more people fussing her happiness than anybody I can even think of. Yep, we ALL want her to go off in that cloud. It isn't going to happen the way she wants.
But, by DARN, e her lawn will be mowed and her deck will be powerwashed. And that phony timer lamp---will be burning from 7-11 every night.
3 more days. Holding MY breath!
Even down to the fact that he had Every intention of "dying in Our home", he Never Considered our feelings in the mix. He was "Never going into a Nursing home", No matter what, it Never mattered how it might affect us should he become too ill to care for him, it was Always about him, and he Always came first in his mind.
You just have to let all of this Bluster go, and not let it bother you (SIL too!), and it sounds like you've got a good handle on that, good for you! I myself probably would have gone back at her, but you did the right thing, and didn't engage her.
The fact that she threatened to throw that glass of water at you, would not have gone by me though, I would have said "just you try it, as that would be your marching orders Out of Here, but it is here home, I'd have walked out at that point!
That's the truth. It's huge he is finally there himself in that realization.
That's not where we were several months ago. I was the one .. oh I dunno .. labeled as being difficult .. and possibly even a PITA.
The fact of the matter is .. he is just now catching up to this big huge barreling freight train out of control.
I stand firmly entrenched in the thinking that she has some cognitive impairment. I do. Not dementia .. no .. but .. she is impaired cognitively.
If you were to ask her, .. (this has gone round and round and round) .. if I were to ask her right now, in all seriousness, "well, so apparent you don't want to leave .. you don't want to go anywhere .. ever .. what is your solution MIL?".
She'd answer you, .. "I don't .. I don't want to go anywhere, I'm fine right here in my home, me and Poochy .. this is where I'm comfortable".
Then you follow that .. "Well gee MIL .. I wish that could be possible, what say you about all that you need to be able to stay in your home .. I mean .. c'mon let's get real here, . you don't take your meds like you need to .. really .. truthfully .. you don't .. and it causes all kinds of fallout as we've seen time and again, .. you can't safely drive anymore, .. you fall all the time .. you don't eat like you should, and you don't hydrate yourself like you should .. I mean .. c'mon .. many many things that you just aren't really attending to .. aren't able to .. and the fallout that ensues .. of course, you are dependent upon others to step to .. and I haven't even listed anything here about your aged dog and all his many needs that you are no longer able to step to meet, ... what is it .. what are your thoughts .. what do you think should happen".
She would, hands down, without a doubt in my mind .. she would answer, "well I don't want to go anywhere, I just want that cloud .. that cloud needs to come get me, I don't even know why I'm here".
COGNITIVE IMPAIRMENT ..
She cannot even hold the train of thought .. and answer as to what is being asked of her. She can't do it. It's not that she doesn't want to answer it .. she can't process it all, and come up with .. nor does it even really dawn on her, .. to be able to process it and speak to the issue in front of her.
She is old, like a toddler would be that wants what they want. Like EmilySue defined.
Iv'e been on this page ..
I know she doesn't "think" right anymore. I've known this!
Getting others on that page .. the "others" that matter in all this, .. that has been the challenge.
The day she was in the hospital and a Neuro doc .. recommended further investigation on Cognitive issues, having found some discrepancies in a screening. I thought I'd jump up and shout hallelujah! A professional was seeing what I've seen.
But it wasn't to be. SIL undid that whole notion .. chalking it up to the UTI .. that's fixed now, she's fine.
NO SHE ISN'T FINE.
She hasn't been fine.
SIL w/her assertion, "why do they even screen people who are hospitalized, their world upended, stressed, don't feel well, .. of course the whole thing is gonna be impaired, the whole process, they shouldn't test people who are confined in a hospital admit".
B'chit.
What's the harm in doing the further investigation. You might find out that "others" who see impairment are right? Is that the problem.
I've seen it.
Thus, today when I'm out there and finding what is .. in an old person's body and mind, .. a toddler that wants what they want .. and be damned the consequences, so I'll be nasty and ugly like a toddler would be. I'm very much able to compartmentalize it .. as her impairment. Very much so.
The difference
AMEN.
It's BEEN THIS WAY . he's just catching up, that's all.
She has no ability to even process .. and understand/comprehend, or care .. what it takes. She, same as a toddler, .. wants what she wants .. to stay in her home.
The fact she gets sick and can't adequately care for herself .. the fact she creates her own problems in not taking her meds .. the fact she can't get dressed most days .. the fact she has no viable way to get out and gather things she needs ..
All inconsequential .. same as a toddler might whine and carry on when I wouldn't give them a cookie at dinner time.
Same thing.
I did, FWIW .. once again . take it upon myself w/those fateful words, "clearly she can't live alone any longer".
Said to SIL today.
Her talking about how nasty her mom is being .. and so hard to get along with, and all she's trying to do is feed her the appropriate dietary accommodations and debate whether or not OTC meds should be brought to bear in this .. and so forth. My response: "Clearly she can't live alone anymore".
You almost feel stupid saying it, .. like anytime now, SIL is gonna turn to me, "why do you keep saying that, .. what the h377 do you think I'm here for? I'm taking her with me!".
But I keep saying it.
I didn't let it get next to me today when her mom was being so very negative. I know where it originates. She's mad .. she's sad .. her world is about to change in a huge way and she's not happy about it, but she also doesn't possess the ability any longer, to be able to do otherwise on her own .. nor .. does she possess the ability to come up with any viable answers.
It is coming.
Expect it.
Don't let DH cave to a few tears.
Remember, you do not need to take Any of the Nasty Bulls***t from her during one of her tantrums either, so if (when) necessary, you need to come back at her, and put her in her place! Nobody needs to take that crap, especially those who take care of her, doing all of the stepin N fetchin, mainly You Dorker! Yes hubby steps up to work on things, and SIL flys in for a week or two every now and then, but you've been the boots on the ground for Years now, and you deserve her thanks And her Respect, not her bitchin and moaning like a spoiled brat! DON'T put up with that! Hubby is finally seeing things clearly, now it's Time for Everybody to get on the same page, just as you've been after for over a year Now! Sheesh!
She "is" going .. as much as she hates it .. as much as she tells even the flies outside .. she is going ..
Were it a different time, and her not agreeable to departing .. and digging in her heels that she is not going anywhere, ever, and then tell me she's gonna sling a glass of water at me. Yes, .. there would've been a big problem there.
She's probably just mad at the entire world, .. the birds/the trees/the air .. and every one else .. because she's not able to, at this point, get her own way.
I probably won't see them again .. til I pick them up for the airport run, unless SIL needs me running another errand or two. And I don't think that will be needed.
Yes, I would imagine there will be tears. I'll just keep assuring .. and if she says something ugly .. "I don't wanna hear that anymore Dorker .. stop telling me that", I'll just agree with her, "okay MIL". And leave it be.
I sure hope she isn't up in IL at SIL's residence being this mean .. and even meaner to SIL's husband. He isn't one to get angry .. ever ... and that can be good in that it creates less drama and tension .. but it's not good in that, .. MIL can bully him. He won't fight back, ever.
Unbelievable.
I guess she just is not able to see it from the other side of the equation .. this is for her own good, ..and necessary .. so very necessary. But she can't see that.
Surely SIL will now be forced to see, too, once MIL is in IL with her 24/7. No one can remain in denial at that point!
Yep - lots more will ensue, for sure. It's inevitable. SIL will have crisis after crisis, I would imagine. I only hope SIL can come to her senses and roll with the flow during this next (end) stage of the drama and stop with her constant obsessing. It just can't be good for her own health to keep that kind of hyperness up for very long, not to mention her husband's health. Up to you and DH how much emotional support you want to give SIL in the future. She may need some empathy to bear all that hurtful stuff from MIL... For me sometimes, it just helped to have someone to vent to once in a while.
Only thing you need to emphasize once she's up there is that there will be NO support from Dorker if MIL should ever attempt to live alone in that house again, as you will never support that very bad decision. Period. Sure hope DH will be on the same page as you with that call.
I sure hope SIL's husband can find ways to stay busy, busy, busy and out of the house, away from the hater. Better to be away from the hater than in her presence. She is going to hate, no matter what. She's angry and he will be her target. Hard to hit a missing or moving target.
The very thought, one has to realize how impaired she is though .. the very thought that she would hone in on and pick on him. Do I think she will do so?
Yes.
She has become .. ever since that episode where she was so cruel and told him to take a good look around, that he'd not see this place again (so mean). She has become .. in some ways .. in his presence, more talkative to him, .. he provides .. someone she can talk to, someone that has the patience of a saint and will listen .. endlessly.
So that's a good thing.
BUT ...
She hasn't been in these shoes, the very shoes she dug in her heels so firmly that she woulds NEVER go to her daughter's to reside, never! If she's said that once over the last few years she's said it a gazillion times. Yet, here she is, at that juncture. And she is angry, very. And miserable.
She was even being mean to her daughter yesterday .. the very person who is spinning like a top in every direction doing everything she can to get this whole show on the road .. and in the process BRAT diet prep for her mom .. and trying to nurse her mom back along .. and her being mean to SIL.
If she'll be mean to her daughter (the object of anger, because she is accommodating this whole shenanigan that she wants no part of). You know darn well, that her husband ... is gonna be the object of some of that animosity. It's coming.
If you could picture, this guy. He has Parkinson's like symptoms, but doesn't have Parkinson's. He has awful tremors, as a result of all the meds he takes, ... his head slings low .. posture wise .. I guess, also Parkinson's like .. and he is a slight fellow ... probably 6'2" .. or so .. but maybe 170 if that in weight. Not a big big guy. And his presence, .. very very understated. He is a very quiet sort (unless manic).
SIL has to cut up his foods (some of them) for him. For instance, you or I might pick up a slice of pizza and have to hold it with two hands, as it will flop around .. his hands, too much tremor to do that. So she cuts his pizza up for him, like you'd do a kid. Same with like, .. steak .. she has to cut it up for him.
This about describes him ..
I don't know that to be any particular annoyance to MIL really.
But it is supremely annoying to her, that he stands around .. with his hands in his back pockets .. behind SIL and all her busyness, . almost in a posture of waiting to be told what to do, very much so. THAT particular aspect INCENSES MIL.
I guess, her supposition is that he should go find something to do .. right/wrong or indifferent .. not just stand there like a kid .. waiting for his next directive.
He can't help it. I don't know what that dynamic is .. that he is a person who doesn't initiate on his own, much of anything .. all the way from time to go get dressed and I laid out that blue plaid shirt for you, and be sure to put on those dark navy Bermudas that are in the closet .. all the way from that, .. that which we all normally do as part of our day, dressing on our own, as to what to wear and when to get dressed .. all the way from that simple task .. to, you might see SIL out in the flower beds, weeding and so forth .. him standing there, sway backed ... and head slung low (that's just his posture) hands in back pockets, ..standing behind her . just standing .. behind her .. just there. She might direct, "Go get me that yard trash can and bring it over here, and if you could go ahead and start picking up these weeds and put the in the can for me".
He will do it ..
But he doesn't initiate much . if anything .. on his own.
This is the kinda thing that sends MIL into orbit.
Why this bothers her .. I'm not sure. She would have you believe that it's coming from a place, within her, .. that her poor poor daughter, that this is her lot in life
She would have you believe it comes from a place that she feels sorry for her daughter, that this is her daughter's lot in life .. having to direct someone that is a "husband" a "grown man" .. from the simplest most mundane task .. to anything else that might come up ..
SIL .. for whatever her makeup .. patient to a fault .... doesn't seemingly mind it. You never hear her .. not once ever, in all these years .. ."DAMNIT B why are you just standing there looking at me, go find something to do!". Nope.
Not one bit.
Ever.
You hear MIL say things like, "he knew he wasn't right .. all along . he knew something was wrong with him .. something has been wrong with him all along ... I remember the first time I met him .. when they were dating . he was so quiet . not very talkative at all, .. and I even asked S ... "does he not like us . he never talks to us". .. and S said of him .. "no he just isn't a real talkative sort" .. there was something wrong with him even then .. and he didn't talk about it and let S know what she was getting herself into".
He was dx'd Bipolar .. oh maybe .. I'd guess .. 4 or 5 years into their now almost 40 year marriage.
Can't ever get MIL on the page that none of that matters. It's their marriage .. it's their lives ... and she is an adult with choices for her own existence .. she has chosen to remain in this marriage .. and be someone that looks after him with a vigilance that is to be commended. Her life, her choice. And she is happy .. that's what matters.
You will never get MIL on that page. Not gonna happen.
When he is manic .. (seems to be more the affect of the Bipolar in him, rather than the depressive side) .. when he is manic ... he talks too much .. and some of it the grandiosity you'd see in a manic person. He eats too much and the wrong things .. for someone who is diabetic. And you see, SIL .. on that latter point, ..like the food police .. on that issue, like white on rice. Also something that incenses MIL to no end.
Stress makes him manic, ergo why he has been on disability income .. almost since the beginning of their marriage and unable to work.
Will it be stressful to him, having MIL there who can't shut her mouth .. she just can't do it .. she can't just be polite and gracious .. she has no filter.
Yes, it will be stressful. Will he get manic? It's likely, yes.
Not a thing I can do about it.
Should SIL have some realization around the fact this is going to be too much, too much for her to deal with her aged/frail mom and her needs and the lack of any damn filter .. and then throwing her husband into mania which also will require more of her energy and time .. and attention to keep him under wraps and get his situation back into a more normal state .. should she maybe have never entertained any notion this would work .. bringing her mom into her home?
IMO .. that's precisely what should've occurred.
But .. that's not how she wants to do it. I don't think she would ever willingly choose to put her mom in a home, the one thing her mom wants to not ever have to do.
How much can SIL tolerate in the way of her mom's mouth . and hurtful remarks ..and her husband then falling off the cliff into mania and then having to right that course .. all while dealing with her mom's frailties .. and lack of any filter as the ongoing existence?
SIL .. the patient to a fault sort .. can deal with more of it than most of us. Most of us wouldn't even entertain any semblance of above. And if found in that setting .. would be bouncing her into a home .. and getting that Medicaid funding lined up post haste rather than watch all this and live it.
SIL can tolerate more of this than should be allowed, just in her patient makeup.
I feel sorriest for him .. not someone who will bite back. Not in him. Then I guess, SIL for what this will all look like on her end.
It will be interesting to see what extremes SIL goes to to keep MIL out of a home. Doesn't SIL have some health issues of her own (back problems?)? I think I looked up if Medicaid pays for Assisted Living in IL. I think it does, but I think there is a waiting list (as there is in FL).
What is SIL's financial situation like? I know she paid for the FL housekeeper. Can she pay for home health aides? She got MIL qualified for some program in FL (which was used once?), but I wonder if she can do the same in IL.
If MIL's presence causes stress that makes SIL's H manic, that would be reason enough to boot her out. But you say SIL won't do that.
I feel sorry for that household!
Since he seems to do everything SIL tasks him with, maybe she will have him out running his butt off on errands.
I hope MIL will not follow him around and be a B to him.
This plan SIL has agreed to carry out is her best answer to the problem.
I think we all agree MIL living alone in FL under what were the conditions does not work. I think during the depths of “chitpalooza” MIL might have even agreed.
So, this saga continues, and will continue in IL.
This thread hits home with so many of us. Current and former caregivers alike. Across the country there are Elders unable to care for themselves but fighting with every breath to remain independent in their eyes anyway. Refusing outside help one minute, and demanding family on site within the hour to deal with some ridiculous task or a true emergency.
But for you Dear Dorker, the countdown continues, 2 days, and the saga will be removed from your zip code.
You have summarized this very well! And too often the Dear Elder's "happiness" is the most important thing. Why should it be? Why can't these elders age more gracefully (as someone so aptly put in another thread)? It's as if having family doing something for them is just an extension of them being able to do it themselves, whereas hiring outside help would mean that they really aren't independent.
When I was the live-in caregiver for my mother for just over a week, I very much felt as if I was simply the tool for my mother to accomplish something. Her tool, her puppet, her marionette. As long as she could pull the strings, she felt as if she was in total control. The delusion can't continue if an outsider is doing it.
There are badly behaved and entitled elders all over the country.
Is it entitlement? Is it cognitive decline? Probably a mixture of both in some cases.
Those with Dementia can’t be reasoned with as to their well being. Not independent to live alone safely by our standards but not so far gone that they can’t pull off in their minds some degree of independence, and can’t yet be deemed incompetent.
I wish I had the answer. I don’t.
If only all Elders were med compliant, compliant with reasonable suggestions from their loved ones regarding their well being and agreed to what would be best for everyone. To those families I say Bravo! But for some of us, in spite of our best efforts there is no seemless transition. Enter “the event” that forces the transition.
I think, just ruminating--it's not BIL's behaviors that bug MIL, it's the fact that SIL has to split her time between her and BIL, and she feels she's being shorted. BIL CAN'T DO anything for her, so he doesn't even exist in her small world.
Once I was no longer allowed to do anything for my mother but take her to lunch occasionally, suddenly, I was of zero interest to her. I called her a few weeks after DH's heart attacks and told her about them, and she was all "oh, my poor darling! You don't know the stress I've been under, worrying sick about you". I just replied "You own a phone. Open it and see the "B" in the box? Touch that and you'll call me. It's not rocket science." We talked for maybe 5 more minutes and then she needed to tell me about her friend whom I don't even know...and I said I had to run. Has she called me since or made the slightest effort to call or check on us? Course not, b/c all the attention is not on her.
And yes, DH's sudden mindfulness was a godsend! MY own DH is completely oblivious to his own mother and her absolute meanness--people don't think 88 yo white hair great grannies can be be, but by dam--they sure can. DH finally, finally, finally figured this out for himself. She also did not acknowledge his near death experiences. A truly sad and tragic way to finally realize that your parent really cares about one person: themselves. End of story.
I do hope you have made it ABUNDANTLY CLEAR that Thurs Dorker days are now a thing of the past. "she needs to not live alone" must remain your mantra and you must stick to it. If you have to have a notarized letter sent to SIL to inform her you are off the "team", to get her attention, then DO IT.
The second that plane departs, block SIL's calls and texts. She's DH's problem, and while he may hate it, he will not be able to do much from 1000 miles away. SIL will inevitably blow up his phone the whole day, everyday, but if he chooses answer all texts and calls at night, or not at all, then that's his biz.
What time is the flight on Thurs? Early, I hope, Fewer issues flying early....but there will be issues, plan on it.
And then----I hope you get some rest. After the crisis is when I do full melt down. Going through one right now----awful, but I'm a tad better each day.
Hugs and prayers for you. That's all I can do from here!!