I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
The disparity and avoidance/denial what have you.
I know this will all, within a couple of days, be someone else's watch. But ya can't help but feel a bit of sorrow for what will be an *in your face* dose of cold hard reality that had, heretofore, been denied/avoided whatever.
Yesterday DD texted me, wanted something or other I couldn't assist with as I was heading out for pick up of a few things for SIL/MIL.
She texted later, after I'd left there and experienced MIL's nasty disposition. Wanted to know when do SIL/MIL leave. I told her Thursday. She asked if I thought it would be good to bring babies and visit before they leave town.
My answer encouraged that she do so if she'd like but to be aware MIL is not pleasant these days and that's putting it lightly. DD then mentioned she'd run it past SIL for input ... see if it's thought to be a good plan.
She checked with Queen Denial and was told that sounds great ... no mention from Queen Denial that MIL is being a real pill.
DD, aware that at issue, then asked of her aunt, couching it in ....not wanting to be subject to sour mood and the trouble it takes to load up two 1 yo's. SIL assuring it would be fine.
Word today however, DD stopped ...needing me to sit with babies in her parked car while depositing older sister at school. I asked DD is she heading on out to see her g'ma.
No. Had gotten a text from Queen Denial who had run this proposition past her mom. Her mom declined any visit. Begging off that she's in no mood for socializing.
Queen Denial .... it's so very evident ... does not have a real clear grasp of the brevity of all this. Her having lived in denial and avoidance.....even presently apparently ...it's gunna be an *in your face* ugly reality when it does dawn on her.
Here I was cautioning DD ...rightfully so .... as to MIL and the fact one might wanna be aware in any attempt to go see her, she's pretty darn miserable to be around. SIL ....even presented with that realization in DD having brought it up ...even still SIL ..."nah ...no problem ... it'll be fine".
Only for her to then later check with Ms. Nasty Disposition and be told no ... don't want to see them and visit.
Queen Denial isn't going to be able to continue with her head up her backside much longer.
For That, I do feel for her.
When he's here with SIL ... she directs him a couple of times per day to take Poochy for a walk (the only time he gets an official walk, .. vs his normal meandering around the expanse of the b'yard at his will, is when they are here, they do so), she directs that .. a couple of times per day at her husband's obliging.
He is the one that gets out his can of special food and so lovingly chops it into bite size pieces and smashes it thoroughly mashed into the pebble dry foods and mixes it up, .. 3 x's daily.
He .. also .. at SIL's direction .. is the one who does the dishes there, when in attendance. SIL will cook, ... but dish duty on him. He's the one, generally, that will bag up and take out any kitchen garbage that has the bag/can now full.
So he's not completely useless ...
One would wonder why MIL doesn't see that, and have an appreciation for the fact that he's not useless. A term she uses often to describe him, "useless".
My observation, my layperson view of what I've lived with all this. MIL, at least here, .. whatever her cognitive deficits are .. and it isn't Dementia .. not with her, I don't believe.
There is no connecting the dots .. there is a wide disparity between .. her need .. and the fact that there has to be an awful lot of hopping to, by others to meet that need (want in some cases).
She .. whatever her deficits are .. doesn't see that. That's my true opinion.
Hard not to see the above from the prism of "well how dare her, that she would so take for granted the fact that we have all jumped .. and exactly how high she commanded, and routinely, how dare her".
But .. I don't truly think that's it, not with her. Maybe with some elders who have that "entitlement" mentality ...
But in MIL's case here, .. there is true gap between it all.
On one end, you have all her need ... and then over here on the other end, the fact that need doesn't get spoken to unless someone besides herself does it.
It never dawns on her in the least .. that others may have more pressing matters to attend to in their own lives .. or may be just sick and damn tired of running to meet all the need ...
That's just lost on her ... it doesn't seem to be any of her thought process ...
She wants to stay in her home, damnit ...
How that gets handled, .. as to all the need ... not anything that even dawns on her.
Xena: SIL was debating a bit, . whether she should spring for, or have MIL spring for it, .. to have a tv in the bedroom she'll utilize there, .. and the cable to it. I voted yes.
There is a TV in the den, but it gripes MIL to no end (SIL's dh is a huge sports fan and tunes the TV routinely to sports of one kind or another, .. to the exclusion of almost any other programming, SIL also a fan .. of most of it). I voted that would be a good option .. thereby she'd be able to watch what she wants in her room. I'd be willing to bet that will get set up. I hope so. They do have a tv in their basement .. w/cable .. and so I guess, absent the above option .. maybe her DH can go watch tv in the basement (climate controlled, etc down there). But seems to me the better approach would be to not uproot him from his creature comforts .. as best they can .. and to provide her the means to enjoy what she might want to watch also, from the comfort of the bedroom she'll be using. I don't know if SIL was hinting that we need to take up a collection to now buy her a tv. If you remember a while back .. SIL petitioned that we need to buy MIL a bigger tv for her den .. we need to all pitch in. I declined to participate .. thinking it mores suited to what she and her DH might find preferable when they come here to visit. MIL had a tv, .. in her den, .. I think a 42" and SIL got it in her head, that MIL needs a bigger tv .. in her den. I declined to partake of buying a bigger one.
If she needs that we pony up for a tv in MIL's bedroom up in IL .. we may participate in that.
And to answer as to whether SIL's financial situation would find her able to afford an AL or otherwise for her mom. Short answer, absolutely not. Far too cost prohibitive. She .. nor us .. have those kinds of funds. Not on the table for discussion in any corner.
The amount that SIL or us, for that matter, could contribute towards same if needed .. would be almost negligible in comparison to what these places cost. We'd do so, .. if we need to, but none of us have those kinds of funds.
My husband (my second; my first and I fought like cats and dogs over how to do things, such as the proper way to fold towels) is well aware of the fact that anything that he undertakes to do ON HIS OWN will probably be met with criticism from me that he's done it wrong.
He has thus developed the habit of "standing by". It irks the heck out of me at times, but it is of my own doing, and I own up to that.
If asked, he will do laundry, mop, take out trash, fold and put away laundry, fix stuff. But mostly, only if I ask him. He's learned, and I expect that your BIL has learned that anything he does without being asked will be "wrong".
Re: MIL; you say "not dementia", but I beg to differ. It's vascular dementia, which affects executive functioning and time management. Also diminished insight. If she had a full neurocog workup, they'd see it.
That's not what I live. DH .. probably better at some things house-cleaning, than me even. For instance, .. he doesn't usually wash dishes/empty the d/w that kinda thing .. but if he does .. he routinely dries things and puts them away .. and so forth. I only do that if I have to! I have no problem with leaving washed dishes in the dish strainer to drip dry and then put them away another day. Not him.
DH will, if he sees the floor needs vacuuming .. he'll do it .. if I'm not around and have been busy and otherwise unable to do it. And he does a fine job of it, and he does it without prompt.
This is much how DH's dad operated also, likely where he learned it. Thus .. .for MIL to witness this set up whereby .. SIL's dh, he doesn't do a darn thing .. not even getting dressed daily . without prompt to do so .. un-nerves the H377 out of MIL.
Let's face it, coming from someone who housed my own mom for almost a year .. and her not in the least incapacitated. Have also, at times housed DD and family for varying reasons ..
IT AIN'T EASY putting up with someone else in your household, even if those someones .. are people who are completely functional. It's damn hard is what it is.
It's hard for me, and I'm completely functional, firing on all cylinders (some may beg to differ with that self assessment). Throw into the mix that she's 88 years old .. and putting up with "others" and the way they do things, in her household .. it's just damn hard.
We'll see how it goes when she's in someone else's household and having to put up with what other people do and how they do it. Probably no better. But it won't be her household.
2 more days so the whole Dementia/ not Dementia is off your radar.
But, I do have to agree with Barb. Early Dementia doesn’t have to look like Dementia at all. My Mom’s didn’t for 3-5 years.
MIL definitely has a lack of insight problem going on. As did my Mom. But, is it cognitive decline? Just a stubborn self centeredness that has always existed? I don’t know. That’s above my pay grade.
MIL being in her home void of too much outside stress might have been appearing to do better than she is.
She will be in IL in a couple of days. Banging, hammering, 3 additional dogs under the roof from time to time, BIL, SIL. She may very well feel confused, overwhelmed, not right.
Again, none of this is for you to stress over. You’ve done your share. The baton has been handed officially to SIL.
If you and DH hear rumblings from IL that MIL is melting down...Is it drama?
Not that you could add anything useful to the conversation about said meltdown but if you are asked, testing is in order.
You have mentioned small details all along that have sounded hauntingly familiar.
My own mother is near 79. She falls about once a month. She has shortness of breath and tires easily, but still gets around. She can walk about 1/4 of a mile and has to sit and rest. She is very much in denial of her age and health issues and refuses to see a heart doc. None of us push her to see one. She still drives and goes somewhere daily. She is a social butterfly.
BUT
She has become increasingly negative, especially the past 5 years. She nitpicks, criticizes and argues with my daddy, my siblings and I, and with her grandchildren about the most ridiculous things- our clothes, our hair styles, our decor, our decisions about xyz. None of us has colored hair, mohawks, dreadlocks or tattoos. Just conservative hairstyles with highlights. She thinks NOBODY should ever highlight or color their hair. Ever!
She is also a hoarder and it is getting worse by the week. She is now to the point that she acts as if it greatly pains her to give anything from her hoard to her kids or grandchildren. I blame vascular dementia.
Wow. The more I read about this, the more I wonder if my mother has the beginnings of vascular dementia. She's had at least one TIA, has atrial fibrillation (aren't those risk factors?), but, most of all, she has diminished insight.
Normal aging, some vascular dementia...who knows? There will be no neurocog workup, unfortunately, because she won't allow it. And even if she was dx'd with it, what really would change? She wouldn't suddenly be deemed mentally incompetent. Are there meds for it? She wouldn't believe there was any such thing wrong with HER, so she wouldn't take any meds for it.
I guess neither SIL nor MIL is much interested in a neurocog workup, either.
That gripes the h377 out of DH. To hear him tell it, "she ain't fooling no damn body .. she's got this wrinkled face and hands .. she looks every bit of the almost 90 damn years old she is .. eyes sunken in ... she's old damnit .. she looks it, and then there's this strawberry blonde hair, it looks ridiculous!".
Don't know that I care one way or the other to be truthful. But it gets on his last nerve. As he says, "she needs to look like it .. she's old ... she looks like she thinks she's fooling everyone, she's not".
I just don't care that much one way or the other.
Interestingly enough . (all 3 of our daughters have tattoos) ... if I had my way they wouldn't. And I did have my way, when they were minors. No, was the answer.
MIL was forever, .. going to go get a tattoo with one or all, when they grew up .. that was the plan .. they'd all pick out something suitable that matches ..and they'd all go together. Psssh! Whatever.
Tattoos, just not my thing. I got my ears doubled pierced for my 40th bday (woo hooo living dangerous now are we?, NOT). They have all, individually, at times, tried to get me to get a tattoo with them. Nope nope and nope, not interested.
As to MIL having gone with them to get this matching tattoo. I guess by the time they were legal adults and could do so, .. going with their g'ma . no longer anything they cared to pursue. She never mentioned it.
DH heading out to his mom's tonite .. since he wont' be able to go tomorrow nite and them gone on Thursday.
Wants me to go.
I dunno .. I was subject to Ms. Nasty Disposition yesterday.
I think my presence, would be helpful for DH .... in the respect,
1) He needs to remember she is Ms. Nasty Disposition at this point, and firing off at her, isn't helpful to her, nor to anyone else.
2) It is upsetting to him .. he knows, as well as the rest of us .. that he may never see her again, .. and it makes him sad .. even tho yes she is so damned needy and it's been a HUGE PITA ............. it does make him sad to contemplate that .. yes he will try to fly up there to see her .. particularly if this looks to be extended longer than anyone talks about .. but .. the fact she may go meet her cloud .. makes him sad. So my company .. might be helpful at least TO HIM.
But I just dunno ....................
Not looking forward to another visit with nastiness right now.
To some women coloring their hair equates to men hunting, or that’s what I’d tell him. Hair coloring makes women feel good about themselves. Revived somehow. Like hunting makes men feel. This is all hooey I’m just defending hair coloring.
My only suggestion about the last visit would just be there. Just. Be. There. No trying to convince, explain to MIL why this is all happening. If hubby wants to go there that’s his business let him step in the pile. You might want to warn him though.
Freedom is just a few days away!
The thing about MIL and the tattoo made me lol. The way you describe her, so vain and all, I can't imagine her walking around sporting ink. I'm with you, I can't think of anything that I want to be stuck inked onto my body for the rest of my life. Nothing against tattoos or people with them, just not for me. The hair thing though, I understand. I'm a fan of hair coloring and highlights from time to time, just to change things up a bit.
On a lighter note, I thought of you this weekend. Flight on Southwest - 3 hour flight - I step on plane and First Row Business Premium seating is a lady and her dear Poochy sitting on her lap. Cute little Yorkie. Did not hear a peep out of the thing. All went well. Gladly, no other ESAs were onboard.
I make sure of it! And even better DD, former hair stylist ... so .. less expensive than salons.
I'm all about it, coloring hair.
I do ponder all the shades these days, the young folks do. Blues and purples and neon oranges and sports car reds.
Whatever floats their boat I guess. Not for me.
Still sounding off about the nice clean deck she won't get to sit and gaze upon and her Bayard.
This time nobody countered what she said (more than once). It just hung there anytime she'd mention it. No rebuttal or response.
All in all though, better frame of mind.
So tomorrow and then they're off.
Will need to get them all to the airport about 10:30 or so tomorrow morning.
Suggested to SIL that we pull over, somewhere just before the airport and let Poochy out to relieve himself one last time. She informs there is now a place in the airport set aside for just that.
Wha??????
Can't imagine.
I haven't been inside the airport in quite a while to go anywhere, .. must be new. What'd they bring in a load of dirt and plant some grass .. or is this astroturf that's filtered .. what ...??..... I dunno.
Who knew?
Will know more after tomorrow for sure.
I'd make that my mission to find out exactly where that is located.
But your idea is better - stopping along the way there IF there is a good rest area or park along the way. Fewer distractions and sensory overload for Poochy. If he is anything like my dogs, if there is the slightest distraction - the business does not get taken care of!
I do not envy SIL - narrow plane aisles, incontinent slow MIL, spoiled Poochy sitting on MIL lap - probably barking and sniffing. Hopefully no incontinence issues MIL and Poochy and they can get to IL.
One of my co-workers a few years ago brought her dad to her town to live in an AL. On the flight - even with his Depends - he had a fecal blow out - up and out the back of his pants, on the seat, on my coworker. They couldn't change him in the bathroom - too small, too much chit would get everywhere. The flight attendants wrapped him in a blanket not to get the chit everywhere and they walked him to the front and tried to change and clean him. chit everywhere - passengers royally pissed off, and two filthy people having to finish the flight and go through the airport and home. May SIL avoid this fate!!
Whatever. Plane becomes a biohazard of human and dog excrement .. SIL will have to navigate that problem.
I wish her the best.
I get out to the car and there sits my FIL, in MY seat---DH has the A/C up as high as possible and is just gagging out the door....we get home and FIL refuses to shower. in fairness, not much was on HIM, it was all back at the restaurant.
Nowadays that's a HAZMAT situation---oh dear, I am praying for a blowout free trip. Better she be blocked up and deal with that in IL than "loose" for the flight. Flighty anxiety gives a LOT of people tummy issues.
10:30 your time is 8:30, for me. I look forward to the update!!!!! I'll probably hear be cheering cross country!
And, please, Dorker, block ALL of sisters incoming phone calls. Just ignore her for about 3 months. You already know this is going to be the "worst trip ever" and why get dragged into it.
I do admit I will miss my daily dose of your life.
Be well----you will feel some guilt at how not guilty you feel---let it go!
I recall hearing MIL's sister (who was as mean as a rattlesnake) talk of him crapping himself on the ride this way for what would be MIL's stint at his care.
I was a young'n at the time so I don't recall it really resonated with me any.
Something about having to pull over on the side of the road the stench was so bad and to clean him up.
Surely they didn't just drop the man's trousers right there by the interstate for all the passers by to witness.
Wish I'd of honed in more on that story.
You know what would be the easiest thing for MIL in handling the blowout possibility? If she wore a front fastening mumu/house dress thing, and night time strength depends. SIL needs to bring an extra mumu in case of blowout and multiple plastic bags for holding soiled clothes. Also wet wipes! Also a couple of leak-proof pee pads to put in the seat. If MIL is like most old folks, she will balk at people seeing her sitting on a pee pad. Still it is better to have that than a MESS in the seat.
In the godawful event she has a blowout, it could be (hopefully) contained by diaper and pee pads and clothing easily changed rather than trying to get in and out of pants. Fashion be damned. It is all about logistics and convenience.
And a little bottle of strong air freshener.
I haven’t heard “meaner than a rattlesnake” in forever.
I will probably describe the person that is causing the chitapalooza as meaner than a rattlesnake.