I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
I for one hope you keep reading SIL's texts and will let us know what happens. Something of a warning to those who delay too long, or think a flight with an elderly grumpster with poochie might be a good idea. Plus, this is more engrossing than any movie. We need to know the ending!
I wonder if a jumper type dress with a belt, scarf or sash around the middle so that it doesn't look like she is trying to hide anything.
The last time she breezed thru town with her royal son and his brood ... for what amounted to a long weekend, L (church lady) tried to find a workable time to stop in and meet this all important daughter of MIL's.
Wasn't to be, far too short a visit. No time available to accommodate that request.
FF to now, here to pack up and organize her mom and extricate her from here.
Again, trying to find a time that's suitable. Nope. No time.
I was at church this evening where L was actually kinda surprised that "leave date" is tomorrow. L had apparently thought SIL would be here longer.
When she learned this .. she implored me to ask if they'd mind just a short stop to meet and say hi, this evening before MIL departs.
I did so. Answer no. She'd helped her mom shower, set her hair for her and that activity had wiped her mom out. That she too .. pretty spent from all she's had to do. So, no ...guesses it will have to wait til they return in December.
I could tell this was disappointing to L who has tried to be helpful in whatever way possible.
All I could do was apologize on their behalf.
But I'm kinda miffed. I think it's rude. The very people your mom has depended on for a life line and you can't make 10/15 mins to be cordial.
Just rude!!!
But, as a person who loathes, and I do mean loathes, last minute visits and surprises when it comes to visitors (have had my BIL's family of 5 show up on my door step unannounced 3 days before Christmas in the past), I can see how perhaps SIL may have been caught off guard and refused, especially if she was in pajamas, no makeup, hadn't showered, the house was a mess, etc.
Plus, it sounds like SIL barely sits down for 2 seconds as it is. Look at all the trouble and frustration you went through trying to get her to sit down face to face with you awhile back to talk about MIL.
Maybe you and DH can send L a nice card on MIL's behalf with a gift certificate or something expressing appreciation for helping with MIL.
It's always "oh me oh my ... I'm so busy"
Same song and dance I got forever. Just shows a lack of appreciation and gratitude IMO.
Oh well. Broad scheme of things, not gunna loose sleep over this one.
Does further my view that SIL is all about scorched earth approach as to any need on behalf of her mom...she'll bug the pope if that's what she has to do.
But she can't be bothered to be cordial and polite and reciprocal.
Just rude.
Uh - I think it is this part that would annoy me the most... Does SIL not even consider the idea that this plan may very well not be feasible whatsoever? That this could be the final farewell for MIL to many Florida friends or even relatives?
You could suggest MIL send LCL a nice post card when she's settled in at SIL's, perhaps.
And even MIL asked L to pick up dog food or treats one time, yes? No sense of what's a priority and what isn't. (As far as I'm concerned, that dog would NEVER be a priority.)
But then again, didn't the new pastor and his wife drop by MIL's and stay for HOURS? That was pretty inconsiderate. Supposedly that WAS on the calendar, but completely forgotten by MIL?
I like the idea of sending L a postcard once she's in IL (and I still thrill to read or write these words!!!).
And CM: Yes, and we don't consider negotiation with the hired pressure washer person .. much of a project that furthers getting MIL onto the plane either. But there was time for that, right?
Or for that matter, grooming for Poochy.
Whatever......
Yes, I'm to head over that way here shortly .. text from SIL last night. "If you could come earlier .. so you can help me keep this ole lady moving".
Indeed. One does have to prod her along, and keep doing so, repeatedly.
My sentiments this morning? First and foremost, I hope/hope/hope, please let there be no drama. I don't do the whole tears and dread and drama thing. Can I not muster any sympathy for the fact that MIL may be cognizant enough that she too realizes .. as she said the other day "I will never see this place again, I won't make it back here", can I not muster an ounce of sympathy for that?
No, seemingly, not right now I can't.
I'm wondering if .. given some time to decompress from all this .. and some distance from the whole needy scene .. will my heart soften some? I hope so.
I guess, reflecting some at this point, I'm kinda in a place with it all, .. I've' been on this page .. long ago .. and long since come to the realization this should've occurred long before now. And some residual anger and frustration .. that hangs .. in the "dog sitting" instead of retrieving her mom. In refusals to go get a Cog assessment looked into .. in the refusal .. for so long, "she's so stubborn, what are we gonna do with her", in renewal of a DL when advised that's not wise.
Yes, I do realize .. logically .. that day has come .. move on past it Dorker .. it's here now. Celebrate, pop the cork! I get all that.
I guess, the piece where I am, presently .. I just don't want all the drama with it all. Not necessary. The realist in me, .. is well past all that .. if there ever was any .. and I see, so clearly, the necessity of all this .. and pining away for what if and, if only's .. it's all pointless. Let's move this along here.
I do feel a tinge of sorrow for SIL's husband. But when I say .. he and she both (patient to a fault) .. are the most cut out for this kinda thing .. that can possibly be, that's the absolute truth. Some people just .. I guess .. when we were all made, they got an extra heaping dose of patience. Maybe not common sense, that line ... when they were being manufactured, .. these folks .. they skipped it .. but patience .. they got an extra heaping dose of it.
Myself, I guess when I was being manufactured, I got their dose of common sense .. and maybe not as much patience.
Looking forward and pondering,... truly am .... it's been so so so long ... what will life feel like, not knowing .. always in the knowing .. that any minute a shoe could drop in that corner, and .. one needs to figure out, "oh geeze .. now we gotta go see about _____________________", or .... as has been the case for me personally, for the last several months, .. it's been one of, "oh well chit ....!!!!.....now who is gonna step up for that, cuz it ain't gonna be me, but it's still there, no one to speak to it".
What's life gonna feel like, without that hanging on me, daily, .. hourly .. of every bit of my existence.
Folks, I can reflect back to when YD graduated high school .. that was in 2012 .. and there was a big party in her honor. That was six years ago. MIL unable to attend. Not because she was acutely ill with some malady .. she just wasn't up to outings .. even at that point .. for the most part. This has been ongoing for YEARS.
When DD got married, 2009 ................ she was "unable" to attend the rehearsal dinner, .. just wasn't up to it. Botched the whole seating the next day at the wedding, not knowing what her assignment as "gmother of the bride" should be, as to seating, etc. But the point there, .. this has been years and years.
This will be a whole other way of life that I'm unfamiliar with.
And one more thing. I do happen to think she will make it back here, barring some major fall that lands her incapacitated for good.
I think under her daughter's watchful care .. taking her meds routinely, eating nutritiously .. and even more so .. some of that much needed PT .. that SIL will be carting her to, more than 1 x per week ....
She will see herself .. improved in health and standing. I do see that as a real probability.
One never knows, of course .. she could meet her cloud in her sleep .. tomorrow or next month or whatever. But ... barring some calamity .. I see her .. (as much as an almost 90 yo can be) strengthened and somewhat healthier .. and very much so able to return here by xmas. And in better shape than she's been for a long while.
I won't borrow worries for now, but that part does cause me some concern. Only because I've seen it far too frequently with SIL. Of course your mother is doing better, look what all you do for her, that she doesn't do when you aren't around ... and off she goes. Thus, the concern, she'd deposit her back here, and off she'd go .. again.
I can hear it now, already .. "Oh she's doing so much better now, she's been with me for months and she knows she has to take her meds, .. and she has to eat those MOW's .. and she did all that PT .. and that helped her, she's doing so much better now, she'll be fine".
I can hear it.
I will, .. be making my point clear, I will not be doing Dorker Thursdays anymore, "clearly she can no longer live alone".
You can't sell me .. anymore .. on the whole "she'll be fine thing". Not buying it.
She's not fine, hasn't been fine ..
So .. deposit her if you will, back in FL .. but .. don't look in the direction of Dorker Thursdays .. not gonna happen.
SIL did say ... they'd be coming back here at xmas .. and her words, "we'll be staying here .. and then I just .. I can't even think past it all, it just gets too overwhelming .. I don't know what we do .. April .. whatever .. I just can't think that far ahead".
So I guess, rudimentarily at least (but she's known to change course, and reality .. lost on her) .. "the plan" commences, .. that the juncture has been reached .. she will jockey back and forth between here and there, never living alone again.
Those words were spoken .. but .. having lived all this .. ya have to excuse me if my confidence in any viable "plan" .. is about nil.
Get in your car girl and get over there! That plane will not wait. You have so much love here today and support. Look at all these posts from just 1 story. May you have a easy day with grace and peace.
dont be surprised if you find yourself a little teary-eyed at the airport - in spite of how you’re feeling right now.
Inside every common sensed, stoic pragmatist is a big softie looking to sneak out.
I barely shed a tear when my mother passed. Yet every time one of those fund-raiser commercials for the Humane Society come on the TV - I cry buckets of Ulgy Cry runny nose tears. Every frickin’ time.
Way too early to be thinking about three months down the
road - or even about what life is
going to look like - feel like - without mil in your backyard.
Along with “accepting the things I cannot change” the wise folks at AA say “one day at a time”. Good advice for anyone looking to recovery from any habitual, self-harming behavior.
But I will say this - next week it will be two years since my mother passed away. My stomach still clenches up every time the phone rings. Every frickin’ time.
I sure don’t envy SIL, MIL, Poochy, or others seated nearby on that plane. Let’s hope for all involved flight goes smoothly.
Dorker, when you see MIL depart you may see the Old Gal that you were so fond of and an unexpected tear may surface.
Glad for you. Hope you put something on ice so you can have your own personal toast when you get home from airport.
And I do think everyone on this thread will continue to be here to support you through the future hurdles.
No drama, no tears.
It was mass chaos at the airport (when is it not). The "plan" had been that I obtain a "gate pass" to go on thru security and go with them, to the waiting area, to board .. in case I'm needed. Between Poochy and the MIL in the wheelchair.
The "plan", was not to be according to TSA.
I pulled up to the curb .. to drop them off, .. as I knew I would do. And then go park. Of course, then someone had to go secure a wheelchair for MIL. SIL and I got all the luggage out at the curb there, .. and the walker (poochy still in my car).
Once they got there with the wheelchair and got MIL seated, then we got poochy out .. and SIL hung onto him, and the staff there wheeled the wheelchair along . and a sky cap with the luggage.
I went to go park the car, and come back to find them. Found MIL seated in her wheelchair, and SIL at the ticket counter doing whatever she needed to do, and the staff person there with MIL/wheelchair .. and MIL holding dog leash.
I went to the counter to ask for my gate pass, and nope. I guess, unless you don't speak english or are military .. no.
Thus, my g'byes right there .. gave each a hug .. and wished MIL well, told her to make the most of her stay there and enjoy her time there, and with that, I was gone.
Suited me fine.
SIL called my as I was driving back. She said they were seated on the plane .. that there'd been no problems .. poochy at their feet (they are in economy plus) .. and so there is room for poochy at their feet, so she says. I asked her if the window seat occupant had arrived and is that person okay with poochy and yes, it is a guy and he loves dogs. Had just recently had to put their family pet to sleep .. was fine with dogs. Whew, again!!!!!
While I was at MIL's .. waiting for them to finish getting dressed, and so forth. Neighbors came from across the street (the guy is the one who drags her garbage out weekly). They came just for a brief send off, to say g'bye. MIL/SIL not yet presentable, so I visited with them briefly.
The female of that quotient .. expressed that this is long overdue .. that she has worried about MIL .. that she needs to be in someone's care. Then went into what her tale was with her own mom .. and her having grown old and in need of care, and explained that. I responded, "she does not want to do this", ..and she said in response, "OH WE KNOW ............... SHE'S TOLD US ............. more than once!. Went on to say, "but it will be for the best, I'm so glad you guys have all gotten this worked out for her".
It was interesting. Only because I don't really talk to her neighbors all that much. That would be SIL talking to them, probably imploring them to service for various things .. not me. If I'm on the scene there, I'm doing whatever needs doing .. thus it wouldn't be me reaching out to one of her neighbors.
Was just validating to hear that from some folks who are .. really .. pretty darn removed from all of this, sans what the guy does in retrieving her garbage can and hauling it out.
So .. I am back now, and DD wants to come by and visit with kids .. and so that will be on my radar for the immediate future .. in the next little. And beyond that, .. we'll see.
Not yet feeling any big huge whoosh of a sigh of relief. Not sure why that is. I should feel as though a ton has been lifted off of me, and I don't .. not yet. Maybe it takes time.
"I went to the counter to ask for my gate pass, and nope. I guess, unless you don't speak english or are military .. no."
Say WHAT?! So the TSA thinks the ENGLISH speakers originating on an AMERICAN flight are more dangerous (can't go to the gate???) than non-English speakers?
Worked for me, .. however they managed, without my presence, they did it, without me.
And they'll manage here forward, without me.
Yes, cyber party commences.
Cheers!