I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
The other end of things however, sounds a bit hair raising. Sounds like SIL had to hulk all the luggage onto a cart (she has a bad back) .. not sure where assistance was that she was the muscle for this endeavor.
Had to lug all the luggage onto a cart, .. and someone to push the wheelchair, but her with the dog, .. the walker, .. the luggage .. sounds quite a PITA.
Then, I guess MIL had to make a stop at the restroom. Can't leave Poochy unattended, he had to go with them. There, .. her only choice, I guess she had to go into the stall, to help her mom .. her only choice as to Poochy was to wrap his leash around the coat hook on the back of the stall door. Too lengthy of a leash . he meandered into a visited with the stall mate next to MIL.
Didn't hear how that was taken by the stall mate.
Sounds like both MIL and SIL are beyond exhausted.
Was asked by DD as well as DH .. "how does it feel to know that MIL, there won't be any calamity, not that you have to hear about".
I guess it's gonna be a slower process than I thought it would be, this decompressing thing. I don't feel any overwhelming sense of calm and peace.
I guess time will tell.
Does her hubby drive? Could he have made it to the airport to help her?
Hmmm...almost sounds a bit snarky. I hope you turned it around on them (particularly to DH) as, "So how does it feel to YOU to know that you won't have to hear about any calamity anymore?" It certainly bothered him a lot to be constantly bothered by SIL (or MIL) with the endless needs (which were often wants)!
I thought I remembered that SIL has a bad back. It will be interesting to see what happens as MIL needs more and more care. If there isn't the money to hire help, SIL will be forced to place her mother in a facility.
I will miss your updates on this thread. Really not much here to keep me coming back for anything else, at least at this stage of my caregiving journey with my mother.
Not sure why that didn't occur with SIL at the helm.
Her husband .. hmmm .... that would be asking a lot of him (with his limited capabilities) .. to go park .. and navigate his way on his own .. and to the appropriate spot .. and he's not a big hulking strong guy, he's rather slight in stature. Not at all muscle bound. I'm not sure he could actually do that, on his own.
I did ask DH that question this morning, and his only answer was "it just feels odd to know she's not here". My response, .. "feels better to me, to know she's in someone's care".
I'm sure there will be updates. Like this one .. from yesterday that I forgot about. Just an epiphany of sorts .. for SIL, as she begins to pull her head out of her derriere.
We'd gotten in my car to now start out for the airport, when MIL begins to tell this story:
"Oh yesterday .. I'd gotten a hankering for some chocolate, I just wanted something sweet, .. just a little chocolate, so I went into the kitchen and looked around and I found this little thing .. ".
At this point SIL interrupts:
SIL: "yes, I thought I'd have a damn heart attack .. I'd gone out to the street to drag the garbage can in .. just that long, I was only gone long enough to drag in the damn garbage can .. and in just that short time .. I come back in and find her eating a FIBER ONE bar! A FIBER BAR ............................ Damnit!!!!!!!! Here I've fought for damn days to clear her of this diarrhea mess .. and she's sitting there eating a damn FIBER BAR!!!!!!!!!!! I thought I'd have a damn heart attack, . I had to take it from her".
MIL: "Well hell all I knew was it had some chocolate on it, .. I'd just wanted a little something sweet".
Me: "yea, . not good MIL! You could've ended up with diarrhea again, just from that simple little *just wanted some chocolate*".
MIL: "Well I didn't think about that".
SIL: "I know .. damn .. that would've set us back a damn week".
So there ya have it. Her not really "aware/cognizant" of the dietary accommodations she needs to be making. Just that simple. Something so simple, so stupid .. just a stupid Fiber One bar ... didn't even think about the fact that could up-end things to a horrible degree. So MIL, so very MIL.
Just one little minuscule tiny sliver .. of what SIL is going to experience in her mom .. and caring for her. I shudder to think what will be the case there at their house. She's going to have to organize, perhaps .. a shelf in the cabinet, set aside for only her husband .. and off limits to MIL .. as her husband takes so many meds that he sometimes gets the opposite problem .. and so I'm sure high fiber cereals are on board there, as well as other items that help things along with that problem. MIL will need to stay out of such things. She doesn't have the judgement to do so on her own, stay out of same.
Just so many things that are going to, .. as this moves along .. become more evident to SIL .. or should anyway .. as to her mom's lack of capacity to care for herself.
It was interesting .. at least .. that SIL did have this much sense. Before they left, . DH tried to get that little seafood dive back on the radar. Questioning whether MIL could stomach such .. to go out. And SIL .. her response: "I don't know, we've fought so hard against this diarrhea to get it under control, we better not .. ya know, if I ask her, she'll say yes .. but she's not always the best judge of what she should and shouldn't be doing".
AHA! That's right.
So, we'll see. At this point, there is going to be a honeymoon period on their end, where it's all kumbayaa ... give it a couple of weeks or so, when nerves begin to fray.
No, .. not much of a planner, . .or she'd of "planned" to not dog sit and come get her mother!
Not, not much of a planner, or she'd of "listened" .. when I began to make the noise and rattle the cage .. this isn't working.
No, not much of a planner.
....and then also, observation from yesterday .. why she so badly needs to be in her daughter's care. Her daughter who is so so so patient .. (I couldn't be in this setting).
The suitcase already packed, by daughter. MIL's clothes .. to wear for the flight, I guess decided on the night before .. and hung on the coat rack in the room. So now time for MIl to get dressed for the trip .. out of her PJ's.
Suitcase already packed and ready .. and with the whopping 4 suitcases that were going, .. no more suitcase locks, so SIL had already secured it with one of those zip tie things ..
This is when MIL decides the bra that has been put out for her to wear, isn't suitable, doesn't want that one .. wants a different bra. Well the bra she wants, is packed in the suitcase,.. with a zip tie on it. The haggling for on there for a few minutes until SIL caves. Goes to get the scissors to cut the zip tie thing. Opens the suitcase digs thru and goes thru the bras packed, to find just the one MIL wanted.
Okay good, good to go.
Nope.
SIL now also closing and finalizing another suitcase, when MIL decides the shirt she'd decided on previously not what she wants .. wants a different one that's packed away. Again, more of the above. Open the suitcase again, and dig through to find just the top MIL wants, and now pack away the previously selected top.
So good to go, right? Nope.
Then .. open suitcase again, the socks laid out for MIL, not the socks she wants .. she wants a pair of socks that are packed away. Into the suitcase again!
Finally she did get herself dressed .. took forever and forever and forever.
At one point I'd walked back into the bedroom now to see if one of the suitcases could be dragged out to the car, .. SIL says the following: "Dorker I feel like I'm going to collapse .. that and have a nervous damn breakdown .. hell we went through all this last night! What to wear, then she has to change it all this morning .. and hell as it is I got up at 6 AM .. because the light was on in here, she'd been unable to sleep .. so had gotten up and decided this was the time to clean out her cabinet under her vanity in her bathroom .. and so wanted to me to help her with that, at 6 AM in the damn morning ............!!!!!!!!!!!!...........and here she is wanting me to fish through her suitcase again and again, I think I'm gonna collapse here".
I only responded: "The sooner you learn to insert the word "no" into your vocabulary the better it'll be for you".
So SIL will never be able to leave MIL alone, lest she get into the high-fiber goodies? Will she install a MIL-proof lock? I hope SIL's H won't be responsible for policing the "no high-fiber goodies" policy when SIL isn't around!
Yeah, it would have hit MIL right about departure time.
There is this hope that SIL having MIL 24/7 with NO respite but her own sweet DH whom MIL hates--she's basically on her own.
She can run that hamster wheel into the ground but it won't change MIL's cognitive status or lack thereof. And being totally clueless as to long range planning, well, we shall see.
I bet you'll get 2-3 long descriptive texts per day for the next few months.
Go, enjoy----your FREEDOM!!
Anyhoo - The blessing that mil was not able to order her groceries on line? They actual sell popcorn that is drizzled with chocolate and sprinkled with sea salt. Yummy!
A guaranteed All-Days pass to the chit festival.
Weeeeeeee!!!
I groaned at the description of MIL getting dressed, only because I can so relate. It sounds just like my mom getting dressed. She changes clothes at least 2-3 times before she finally decides on what to walk out in. And heaven forbid she can't find a certain pair of socks!
I understand about the not quite feeling peace yet. When you live in a state of waiting for the other shoe to drop, it takes awhile to decompress because you get so used to it. It's like your body has been running on adrenaline all the time. It'll get better, and you'll sleep better too, it'll just take a little bit of time.
And no, make no mistake about it .... MIL had not even gotten dressed yet .. to have to then come out of what she'd put on to change into something else. No, still in PJ's.
I was beginning to get a little panicked myself only because one has to get to the airport so dang early .. to go through security and the lines and so forth, and .. MIL .. we know, time doesn't mean a darn thing to her. As she sat there, directing SIL .. (who was obliging this parade), to open the suitcase for this and that .. it was taking forever, just for that .. and now time for her to change clothes which will be another 30 minute process.
All was well, we obviously got there on time .. (after I made a wrong turn getting there, but that's me, can't find my way out of a wet paper bag).
Yes, it will be all on SIL. It was kinda sad yesterday when having a convo with DD, and I pondered (quite snide like on my part) .. "wonder how much will SIL call her on her daughter "M" .. as she now weathers how to do all that needs doing on her end".
DD: "Probably not at all".
Me: "She sure didn't hesitate to call on you guys here".
DD: "That's because her daughter is *better than us*. She won't call on her for anything, never does".
Me: "So you guys are just the riff raff huh?".
DD: "yea pretty much".
That made me sad.
DD is probably right. I don't know what the makeup is there in that dynamic, but I know that SIL doesn't call upon her daughter, ever for anything.
A great for instance, .. is the dog sitting, when "M" is to fly out to somewhere for vacation (she vacations a lot, long weekends, but whatever) .. and she will have SIL drive her to the airport.
SIL .. when she is leaving for the airport, UBER's.
I have asked her "why don't you have your daughter take you? You always take her, when she's going .. call her".
SIL: "Oh she's too busy, I dont' want to bother her".
Prima Donna daughter. Thus, DD's assertion .. "she won't ask her, she never does".
Whatever.
If she wants to do it all, have at it.
But no, MIL cannot be trusted to use any reasonable judgement about what she eats.
Remember, she asked me to buy her popcorn, prefacing it of course, that she knew it would be sneaking to do so.
Mil “knows what needs to be done” but is unable to have the slightest amount of good judgement when it comes to what she is putting in her mouth. Especially coming off a multi day diarrhea event. Especially knowing she is getting on a plane the next day.
I wonder if sil sees it - the bigger picture.
I think MOWs bring them occasionally, and she may have had a stash of them in her cupboard.
Last-minute sabotage could be a possibility!
I wonder how things are going up there in IL? (I'm especially concerned for SIL's H, actually.)
With regard to the Fiber One bar, I don't think MIL was sabotaging.
Being on a special diet of any sort requires planning, discipline and the ability to see a goal down the road. MIL, at least the MIL we know, has NONE of those skills. She is ridden with impulses and she indulges them or demands that others do so. " get me dog treats, take me to sea food dive, clean my porch of branches, fix this lock". She can't make a list. She can't prioritize. So why do you think she just wasn't indulging her sweet tooth. Sort of like the 2 year old eating the ExLax.
All so very apt to describe her. No ability to prioritize, lives on impulse much like a toddler.
And until a few days ago ..
was living alone to indulge whatever impulse.
And maybe Emily Sue was right. Maybe the Fiber One bar came as part of a MOW.
In any event, someone with an ability for insight and planning would have some awareness that's a supremely bad choice.
There's probably a load of elders out there that, like MIL, find their care taker, SIL in her case, to be a worry wart and hoverer and extremely annoying and even outta line.
MIL seemed to almost find some humor in the Fiber One saga. Not from the respect she almost pulled one over on anybody but more from the aspect it's just one more example of SIL and her over the top hovering and worry wart ways.
I think she thought she'd find in me some solace for the fact she's subject to this wart!!!!
She found out, I concur with SIL's hovering.
Went tonight to our favorite seafood dive, and it was right there in the back of my mind, .. to maybe calculate out .. what time to get ahold of MIL .. or that DH would do so .. and we'd need to go get her .. and make allowance for her slowness .. and so forth, .. right there, on my mind .. til I remembered, as fast as it came up .. she's not here.
That's how ingrained it all is.
Tomorrow, .. grilling out with family, .. without even thinking about it .. I began to contemplate whether I will have enough that DH can set aside a plate and run it to his mom. Then I remembered, she's not here.
It's gonna take a hot minute .. for me to move on past all this, apparently.
And elders like MIL should realize that these annoying caregivers are what is keeping them out of having to go to a facility and perhaps try to be a little grateful.
Inability to see their own need and plan accordingly.
I know that's the case with MIL. If I asked her right now ... If she wants to be in her home, on her own. It would be a resounding "yes".
How all the need gets met ... not even any consideration at all in her thoughts.