I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Has an appt with local gastro doc to get an ultrasound..??...to confirm her dx.
Maybe she's right but I doubt it. The only thing I know of gall bladder issues are my mom and step mom and both have spoken of the excrutiating pain of gall bladder issues.
I don't know MIL's issues to be pain just chronic diarrhea.
And SIL. Lord have mercy. She is the living definition of “grasping at straws.” She is also on the fast-track to a total breakdown.
I sincerely hope SIL finds some clarity and teaches herself how to prioritize what IS — as opposed to prioritizing what she wishes, thinks and conjures.
Everyone around SIL seems to have a way of dealing with (or deflecting) her non-stop tornado. But SIL herself has no gauge, no “off” button and no ability to reset. When SIL crashes, look the f**k out.
It's what they do.
They obsess over their BM and go scrambling for the milk of magnesia if their daily BM is an hour late.
Poor MIL will be seeing a doctor daily, I suspect.
No wonder she did not want to go to SILs.
In fact, I can remember when she was more able to do things .. as in .. prepare for out of town guests coming ... she would get stricken with this. Particularly, her *mean as a rattlesnake sister* coming to town. That particular sister .. a clean-freak to beat them all, obsessive ... you could've eaten off her floors. She was also mean enough that if a single thing was what she would think of as disarray .. in your house, .. she had no problem telling you.
I can remember when that specific sister would be coming into town .. that she'd begin re-organizing cabinets/pots and pans .. so forth, cleaning, getting things in an order in which her sister wouldn't be able to comment and make snide remarks. She'd get hit with this malady.
This has been an issue .. for years.
I know one time in the last few years when she was hospitalized with this, they wanted to do a colonoscopy for further investigation. She declined. That was her husband's demise, a botched colonoscopy.
SIL .. I guess, has this all chalked up to gall bladder issues .. not sure how she came to that conclusion, but says she is trying to keep her (there in her residence) on a strictly low fat diet .. to hopefully help this supposed "gall bladder" issue.
Poor MIL, .. she said .. her daughter would be dragging her to docs every day of her life there.
But then again, one can't just live with this ... I don't guess .. I dunno. Who knows how often this has been ongoing that we aren't aware of.
And .. stupid (bonk her in the head, seriously) I said to SIL ... "maybe this has been ongoing more than we're aware of, and it would explain the recurrent UTI's ..".
SIL's answer: "Gall bladder issues aren't related to UTI's".
I didn't even bother responding any further .... "I'm aware! But fecal matter that enters the urinary tract .. certainly can be the cause of it!".
Why bother arguing... she's the MD, she knows.
I'll bet that SIL is really going to try to improve her health, and there's no harm in that. She is a good egg after all, just a little neurotic, but hopefully in her own home, she will be able to settle down and enjoy her Mom a bit more. I really do hope so!
Now, how you doing? I know that it takes awhile to adapt to the peace and quiet, but you will here shortly! Enjoy those Grandies, and relax your mind, she's in a good place!
But then again, she also ceased with mamo's .. and paps and most anything else 'preventative' in healthcare.
I don't guess one has to submit to a colonoscopy for dx of gallbladder disease, .. so maybe she's willing to delve into that. Though I find that kind of surprising .. as I know her sentiments .. she hates being dragged around to docs for varying probes and pokes and so forth .. hates it, doesn't want any part of it.
But I guess living with recurrent diarrhea is no picnic either.
And, she has always been, .. for the most part, .. someone that lives with a conscientious diet, .. even back before she was compromised in any way. Her husband suffered from HBP and heart disease .. for a long time, . and so their diet was pretty much tailored to suit that .. both of them. So low-fat diet is nothing that she is unfamiliar with, low-fat, low cholesterol, etc etc. She really doesn't need to loose any weight, per se.
I've often joked with her .. when she would complain that she wants that cloud to come get her. "Well you took too good of care of yourself, all those years, eating right .. and exercising .. see if you'd of been a smoker, and a drinker, and a sloth .. you'd be dead by now".
I just think ... (maybe I'm wrong, I'm no MD) .. barking up a gall bladder tree, .. whatever! She isn't in pain .. ever from any of this, other than that lower left side, that sometimes causes discomfort, (Diverticulitis flare up). That's not indicative of what gall bladder issues would present as.
Whatever.
SIL needs to run that hamster wheel at warp speed, .. and barking up any number of trees as to finding "solutions". Where maybe she should learn to accept what "is" ....
I'm not gonna be in the biz on this end of dictating what they do, and don't do. That's exactly what I fought for .. you want her taken care of in the manner that has somebody in the damn roads all the time chasing magical thinking, then you do it.
As for me, ... I intend to, haven't done it yet .. do some long overdue ... household things .. like my linen closet, it looks like a bomb exploded. Go thru there, and reorganize. My clothes closet, .. I need to weed out things I don't wear anymore, and donate them .. just household stuff.
Haven't done it yet .. I have found that I am so so so tired. I don't know if that's normal .. once the letdown of the "on" switch has been shut off .. after years and years and years. Maybe that's to be expected. Just the fatigue.
The next month is going to be pretty busy. Oldest g'gdaughter's 5th bday this week. Wants Nanna to come have lunch with her at her school. I have my brother (same brother with all the troubles with the injured young man) and his wife coming into town next weekend. Then my dad's 80th bday .. need to get something on the radar to mark that occasion. Then nieces and nephews coming into town for some other something. Our church has a 50th Anniversary Celebration upcoming this next month.
Lots on the radar to attend to, and yes it hasn't been lost on me, that it'll be nice to attend to these varying things .. without the "pull" of some calamity that has SIL burning up my phone. So nice.
My gallstone diagnosed with an ultrasound.
p.s. My main symptoms with the gallstones is nausea. Sometimes nearly round the clock nausea but especially after eating. No diarrhea issues at all. But I do take those evil opioid pain meds daily and those tend to have the opposite effect.
Did I know what I was talking about or what?
Glad MIL is safely ensconced in IL.
That info was lost on me. I have not been keeping up with the weather at all.
A professional whose business hinges on the weather told me last week the weather patterns were changing and the tropics would be cranking up this week.
We both know how unpredictable these things can be. Keep one eye on the news and the other eye on your go bag.
Stay Safe
I saw a funny cartoon that I thought might make you chuckle, what it said. It was an elderly man talking to another and he said, "I'm really feeling my age. I've had a heart bypass, a hip replacement, my eyes are bad, I'm going deaf, I've got bad circulation, I can't feel my feet anymore, I get bad dizzy spells, and I can't remember how old I am. Thank God I still have my driver's license." Lol I thought of your MIL when I read that.
So nice that I can set about my day today with all I need to do (lots of biz stuff to attend to, as well as helping DD to prepare for bday tonight for the oldest g'daughter). So nice to know there won't be pages of texts informing me of need for ink cartridges or specialty dog foods or other calamities.
This is what life looks like when one goes about their day attending to their check list of things to see to and absent need (some of it superfluous) from the aged and infirm.
But instead, I was able to go enjoy lunch with my now 5 yo g'daughter at her school, and the little impromptu bday party there, complete with cupcakes brought by her mom.
Precious little times that I won't get back. One day, .. having g'ma anywhere in the same hemisphere .. will be off limits. And I know that. I was once that age myself.
There's a place for the aged in our life .. but it's not to the degree that it consumes every single day to the exclusion of all else that might be important to us.
For me, the pain was the key---excruciating and diffuse, so 2 ER docs missed it. Finally the endoscopy and the necrotic GB went bye bye. Only STONES will show up on the CT scan, so those are notoriously inconclusive.
I don't know if they'd even do a GB surgery on someone so old and frail. A no fat, very low fat diet will also control it well for many people.
I've never known ANYONE with GB disease who did not say that the PAIN was the worst factor, not diarrhea.
But hey. Another doctor for SIL to see.
I don't know that MIL has experienced pain and discomfort, other than that lower left side, indicative of the Diverticulitis and flare up .. which she does get occasionally.
Just grateful that MIL is in SIL's care, and not mandating that someone on this end, get her to a gastro doc .. and get this (what I consider to be chasing rainbows) looked at.
That's what I said all along. If you want your mom to have all this care, and be running to docs 2 and 3 x's weekly and all else it takes to prop all this up, ... then figure out how it is YOU ARE GOING TO DO IT.... she's YOUR MOTHER.
No, even SIL said that she would never consent to gall bladder surgery, too old, frail.
So, I guess ... I just ponder .. okay so go to the doc and have them do an ultrasound, .. if they give a dx of gallbladder issues (which I think will all be for naught), .. then what? Not gonna submit for surgery.
So ...????.....yes, low fat diet, .. etc .. which she essentially already does.
Whatever, .. all the busy work she makes for herself, .. go for it.
Wish I'd had $100 for every GB attack I'd dxed. I'd be able to take that cruise :)
AT your mom's age--no, not likely they'd want to do surgery.
Don't give it another thought, she's your SIL's problem for a while!
(and DO enjoy those fleeting, precious moments when your g'daughter wants you around. I suddenly became last week's news when my oldest g-daughters went to Middle School. These girls used to run to me and hug the stuffing out of me--now, if nobody is around and I'm looking OK, they'll acknowledge my presence with a nod. Glad I have 14 little ones to love on. Time goes too fast!)
Did talk with MIL/SIL this morning. Only because I had gone out to check on the house .. and to drive her car (a worry to MIL, .. that her car will sit and die). I was out in the area, so I swung by to check on the house (DH had done so, this past weekend). The house was fine, .. the car was fine. Called to report same to SIL/MIL.
There, they were busying for gastro doc appt today. SIL and MIL report that the diarrhea still a problem, to the degree she's having to buy some new clothes, her clothes are falling off of her. She was already pretty frail.
SIL ......... "because of the color of her stool, .. orange'ish ... it's an indication the bile isn't entering her stool".
Oooookay. Way too gross for me to even contemplate. But whatever. I happen to know that stool can change colors depending on what you eat/drink ..and absent any pain .. and in the case of gall bladder .. acute pain ... that's not likely the culprit .. but okay . whatever you guys wanna go do.
MIL reports not having been outside since she got there, been far too under the weather. Reports that she's been living off a very very limited low fat diet, trying to reign this all in.
SIL has had Poochy to the vet there.
Me: "Why did you do that, you had him to the vet here, right before you left".
SIL: "Well if I don't establish him as a patient here .. then they won't see him if he gets sick .. and we'd have to go the Animal ER which is so expensive to have to do".
Dang .............. is there a label for people who live their lives to run back and forth to doctors all the time, seemingly delighting in same.
Your MIL Is 88.
Someday, one of these many maladies is going to be the death of her, literally. Hasn't anybody even contemplated THAT???
MY FIL had chronic lymphocytic leukemia. It was a death sentence, and I thought everyone in the family KNEW that. He lived 15 years past the original dx, and since we never knew when he first began with, well, the man lived a full and active life until the last year, which was ROUGH.
His last dr appt--his oncologist said "L, your blood is basically water. We're putting you in the hospital b/c your DIL can't care for you at home the way you need" (that DIL was me, so yes, I was relieved). FIL had done so many TXes and really was a champ.
He was admitted to the hospital and died 2 days later. To this day my DH says "If only dad hadn't had CLL, he wouldn't have died". Well, he'd be 91 now and I doubt very happy with that--but it's pointless to point out to the family that we ALL die from something. ALL of us.
This latest thing for MIL may be something as simple as a "bug" or something as nasty as advanced GB disease, or cancer.
Best guess, they'll do an endoscopy, if that's not conclusive and she refuses a colonoscopy ( and VERY likely the drs will refuse to do on one someone so old) you may just end up scratching your heads.
I'm sorry for SIL, but she's getting the same treatment that you, Dorker, enjoyed for the last 15 years.
Though it seems she just revels in it. Some people do.
I'm thinking the accident happened two months ago now? He should have been excited to start his, what, senior of high school? And now he's maimed for life. He's probably not even going to school yet, yes?
The reality has set in for how his life has forever changed in such an awful way. I think about him and say prayers for him.
I thought the same thing ... one of these days, something is gunna take her outta this world. Maybe this is that something ... maybe something more sinister that none of us are yet aware of. Who knows.
So many maladies all thru the years .. and so many wild goose chases .. and I can only say at this point, .. maybe SIL revels in all this chasing rainbows. Have at it.
I do not.
As to the young man and his injuries. Things getting a little more icky these days, as one might surmise they would. First off, he had to have some surgery of some sort the other day to close .. build a flap ...???.....not sure .. as to what remains of his right leg. Heretofore, .. he'd been able to .. get out of bed and into a wheelchair and get around some. Not so .. after this surgery. Leg had to be elevated .. and this was making him GROUCHY, so it's told.
That and .....
I guess, once they did let him have his leg down, but only for a little bit, then back up with the leg .. elevate it, ... that also made him GROUCHY.
Understandable.
That, and .. he isn't eating. Why not? Because .. with him having to elevate his leg .. that means bed pan use .. and he won't do so .. says it's gross. Thus, won't eat.
They are trying to get him to participate in some counseling, thus far, refuses.
Things getting a little more hairy there.
I do think about him all the time, and mostly from the "if only" aspect. "if only" .. someone had enough foresight to not have him up in that bucket lift, around power lines. He'd done so before, .. his brother is a tree surgeon .. and he had worked for his brother some ... so .. not that he was unfamiliar with the dangers there. But .. as we see, one momentary lapse of judgement .. and he is maimed for life.
I hate it for him. Absolutely hate it. I think the plan at this point, he will soon be moving to a rehab site from the hospital for PT .. and for work with prosthesis for both legs.
I'm sure he is getting some schooling .. via whatever means they have available for those in the public school system, unable to attend for health reasons. But, not the same as going to school and being participatory with your peers and all the social aspect. I feel so bad for him.
My brother and his wife .. they are also suffering behind it all. Feel horribly responsible .. but what do you do, ...???.....can't turn the clock back, though I'm sure they wish they could. And they are now .. at the cusp of the beginnings of lawsuits flying. They have good legal representation, .. and so are depending on that expert advice as things progress forward.
SIL reports her mom still suffering from diahrea ... hoping she can keep her out of hospital. Has lost a lot of weight. Pushing hydration. So hard to know what to give her to eat. Said she's been on pretty much BRAT diet now like a month.
Said they were up all night with episodes of Chitapalooza.
Doc thinks maybe IBS ... not sure... further testing and no not interested in a colonoscopy considering her age and frailties.
SIL is in it now ... up to her neck.
Said she's pretty exhausted. I'm sure she is.
I'd say this was all in her head, as per so many maladies in the past, but this actually sounds serious.
My SIL is a GI doc. He loses a LOT of elderly patients, for no other "reason" that the one glaring one that we ALL face: our bodies wear out. This is one reason they will almost never do a colonoscopy on someone of MIL's age--the tissue in the colon is paper thin and the chance of a perforation is not worth the possible chance of a dx as to what's wrong.
In fact, her whole digestive tract is pretty thinned out. There's a lot of danger inherent in the "poking and prodding" after age 85.
Sadly, this may be MIL's fluffy cloud.
You know if she continues to keep losing weight and the diarrhea won't cease--they'll put her in the hospital. She'd sure hate that.
I'm sorry for SIL (sort of) but glad for you that all that mess is 1000 miles away from you. Feeling doubtful she's ever coming back to FL.
There's some kind of lesson to be learned here----I guess we all have our take always from what you've been through.
Let SIL worry about her. Actually, even if they find a mass or something, they are NOT going to operate on an 88 yo, non compliant patient.
I'm sure SIL is wishing that her mom had put SOME kind of POA in action, or even a DNR. She's flying blind, poor woman. I hope DH has some compassion an supports her.
For 15 months and well over 4,000 posts there has been a core group of us - plus, I imagine a number of steady lurkers participating here as Dorker was so openly and honestly shared her life with us.
I use use to be a big believer in that “everything happens for a reason”. I’m not so sure of that anymore. But I am sure that through this thread most of us “know” or “believe” something that we didn’t prior - even if it’s just a reinforcement of a sort.
So, I’ve been thinking about what my “take away” here is. What it is for others.
Is anyone interested in playing along?
Can we go around the room and have everyone post about what they have learned here? What is your “take away”?
Learn to apply them effectively and from the start.
Absolutely essential.