I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
And stop comparing apples and oranges. Getting a routine going on a senior's medications is a heck of a lot easier when you're in charge, in the same house - it's a chore, but it takes about a minute and a half all told. Do NOT be frustrated about MIL's not taking them when she was back home in FL, or allow yourself to feel it's any reflection on you. It's just not at all the same thing.
Lord knows I said my piece on it all, countless times.
This .. the whole reason she isn't here at present, .. it's not because anyone had a huge epiphany and "wow .. she sure isn't someone that should be living alone", .. nope. The WHOLE reason she is not in the state of FL at present, is because hurricanes can fire up .. and she was urged/persuaded/cajoled, etc., that she doesn't need to be here to weather such events.
That is the W-H-O-L-E, SOLE reason she isn't here presently. Not at all because there was some keen realization on the parts of her and/or her offspring, that she doesn't need to live alone .. her most fervent desire.
That's why I said, I can only hope that SIL .. now housing/caring for her mom, is seeing for herself, she doesn't need to be living alone any longer.
Or does she?
She spins like a top in 40 different directions, not a lot of introspect .. and so is she of the mindset that her mom will be nursed along thru this latest calamity and rock along just fine, to be left alone again.
What does DH think?
He defers to popular opinion.
If popular opinion mandates that she's fine ..
That's where he settles also.
As to any requirement for POA .. that assumes anyone in this is motivated at all, to see to it that their mother maybe have to have other measures .. measures she doesn't wish to see enacted .. as to her residence and care.
SIL nor DH either one, (which is who matters .. not me) .. haven't shown any real propensity to take that path. They've shown, .. countless times, .. they want their mom to have what their mom wants .. to live alone in her own home.
I really have no reason to believe there's suddenly been any light bulb moments for either he nor his sister.
I am enjoying not having the responsibility here in my neck of the woods. I thought of that when SIL mentioned her husband having left to go join his family for some outing for the weekend. That reminded me ... there was a time .. here on this end .. maybe I'd go join my family and DH not a part of things .. because he'd have to stay behind to care for his ailing mom. But SIL hasn't had that dilemma .. she's been here plenty, yes .. having left her home in IL to come here, .. but .. not necessarily the set up whereby she's had to watch her husband go .. to whatever function may be on their radar, . while she stays behind to care for her mom .. the very thing that has occurred here numerous times through the years.
It's been nice, to know there is no ball and chain anchoring me to any CG role here.
Making plans to go to SC to visit mom for T-giving .. making plans for my whole family to join up and go camping over New Year's ... and all knowing that it's not my problem if MIL should fall off the rails. Something I haven't had the ability to do for a number of years.
It will be really nice to be able to make plans as a family for the holidays and for you and DH to be able to get away together to go see family.
Speaking of family, I am praying your mom is sheltering somewhere safe. I'm seeing where the SC coastline is being evacuated in anticipation of Florence. You and DH stay safe too.
MIL isn't ever going to give POA to either of her kids. Never. The closest they will ever come to having "any" kind of say so in her health issues is about what they have now: SIL directing from afar or near and DH just not wanting to deal with anything. That will be the dynamic for the rest of MIL's life.
"allowing" her into moving back to FL ONLY if she appoints POA's--ain't gonna fly with this lady. She simply isn't going to bend.
I'm feeling like this last health issue is the "one" that's going to take her under. She's played fast and loose for far too long with her meds and non compliance. Eventually, that will catch up with her. SIL may be able to nurse her along by daily 24/7 care, but eventually, she's going to crash. Only then will something "happen".
Dorker--just plan and live your life. It's different, isn't it? I now only speak to my mother if she calls ME, and she cannot remember my phone number (same number, 40 years). It's programmed into her phone, if she wanted me to be in her life, she'd take the initiative--which has only taken me 62 years to figure out.
I'm sure I'll cave eventually, but not in the near future. Been a long, rough summer and I need to take care of me, for a change. As do you. And it's hard, like a whole new dynamic of putting yourself in front of others. But, I realize I am worn down to a little nub and I am exhausted.
I personally am not sorry for SIL. This is very much a monster of her own creation.
I was put on the same two antibiotics that mil is now taking - about a two week course in my case.
While I consider myself a fairly smart gal - let me tell you those antibiotics can take a rocket scientist level of genius to take correctly. No OTC Tums-like products, don’t take with dairy unless it’s X hours before or X hours after, don’t take with iron supplements, take with food, don’t take with food...
I highly doubt that even if MIL was taking her Ciparo that she was taking it as all the tiny writing on the bottle tells you to take it.
Which leads to playing fast and loose with a strong antibiotic. Which - as most doctors and pharmacist will tell you - leads to the antibiotic becoming less effective until ones body practically becomes antibiotic resistant- and things like C-Diff start to rear their ugly head.
So now it’s two antibiotics for MIL - being properly administered by sil - the antibiotics actually stand a chance of doing their job.
But clearly - “It’s clear that she can no longer live alone”. Lather/rinse/repeat.
Spent the day ...entire day ...taking the 1 yo twins off DD's hands.
That's not anything I've routinely done unfortunately. Oh sure, numerous times if DD needed me to watch one or even all of them for her while she went to do x, y and z ... that I've done yes. Have even taken them over night and all day for her and hubby and oldest to go to a water park or the like.
But just keeping them so DD can go home and contemplate world order or to do nothing at all but relax ... not something that's been part of the scene.
It occurred to me while doing so today, this kinda thing would probably be so useful for DD. Why haven't I done this as any kind of a routine?
Conclusion... at least 1 of my week days (more before I drew some boundaries) were assigned to helping MIL.
That leaves 4 other week days ... why didn't I ever assign one of those 4 remaining days to help DD.
Burn out I suppose. Compassion bucket with rusted holes in it, empty. That and generally speaking there might be occasion in some of those other days that DD and myself and kids go on some adventure or
..maybe some of that time I was assigned to help while DD was off to do x, y or z.
Point being it makes a huge difference when the bulk of one day per week is assigned to CG for an elderly and limits what else you might do with your time. Time you might want to use to be of service in some other useful endeavor.
Many ways that things are very lightened not having the ball and chain of CG and living on the edge of 'What next'.
No I don't feel any particular sympathy for SIL. First off she is living, at present, the very thing ever fiber of her being exists to do ... spin like a top in every possible direction to button up every possible problem and eventualities not even conjured up by the best of the best anal planners.
But beyond that ...no one better than her ...she who would direct from afar as to many rabbit holes and beyond ... can now do so herself.
I did feel a bit sorry for her DH <this is how kind he is>. I asked her the other night if he was watching so and so college game, televised ... on here ...
Her response: "we're recording it to watch later, didn t want to make mom watch football".
Such a different heart for servitude and selflessness.
Not a move I'd make. I am interested in this game, it's what will be on my tv. Don't wanna watch football ... don't....go find a book to read .. go call a family member and chat them up for a while ....but I'm not one prone to forgo that which I find of interest in lieu of accommodating a guest in residence.
You sound so much more relaxed!!
I too have grandkids (14, to be exact) and 8 years ago we had 2 batches of 4 within 4 months and then 2 years later, 4 in 6 months. Chaos. Blessed baby chaos. Then 4 months ago we have our "only lonely" who is 5 years later in coming. What a treat!
I'd fly to wherever my DIL was stationed and stay a week or two, helping out, then come home and give each of the other 3 daughters a half day each week. I would not exchange that precious time with those babies for anything!! I KNOW how much that help was appreciated. I had none when I had my kids...so I knew how much it meant to the girls to know that ONE day a week they had 4-6 hours to "contemplate world order" or do whatever.
Not to sound a saint, 'cause I am far from that....I loved being a grandma they loved and do to this day. NOTHING beats showing up at one of their homes and being attacked with hugs.
These kiddoes have kept me sane, have taught and given me unconditional love and are my reason to 'be'.
As my own mother is not warm and affectionate, and my relationship with her is pretty much over...I find that I have been overly compensated for a narcissistic mother by having 14 terrific kids who DO love me.
I like your idea of taking that CG time and give it to DD. She appreciates it and needs it. Who knows what MIL will do? I really think unless she turns a corner soon, she's never going to be string enough to return home again. Having other things in your life besides her is wonderful. Even when you weren't actively caring for her, you were still actively worrying" about her.
I do think the feelings here about tour SIL have softened. I wouldn't record a football game so my MIL wouldn't be bored by watching it.
But I also didn't have 1 yo twins that aren't sleeping these days, tag teaming being awake thru the night, .. with teething and being 1 yo's into E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G, all the time! I can't tell you the number of times I was yesterday, with the 1 yo girl .. and ... in the den per se, . only to see the other 1 yo .. on top of the coffee table in the living room! Having to practically sprint thru the house to save him from falling off the coffee table onto the hardwood floor! This is DD's life every day. And not sleeping a lot.
Yes, I need to configure some way to be of more relief to her, .. and I do so enjoy the g'kids .. they wear me out to a nub .. but .. at least I know there is an end in sight, their mommy is coming to get them.
And I do like to think I am a gracious host .. just housed my brother and his wife for this past wknd and the one before it, and I don't think they felt unwelcome here. I think, in that instance, when it's a guest for the weekend only, if it were .. let's say a show on tv on floral arranging (not something I'd watch) ... that they were really opposed to watching .. I would forgo it, record it, watch it another time rather than put them out.
But when you are a guest here .. and more to the point in residence here, as my mom was for a number of months ... that's a horse of a different color.
My mom when she lived with me for almost a year ... she and I butted heads eventually. Only because .. about the only time of day that I have with DH .. solely .. with DH .. to discuss anything at all, is first thing in the AM over coffee .. outside on the screen porch .. and that's generally pretty early .. like about 5:30 or so in the morning, before he leaves for work. Mom moved in here .. and she would join us each morning (not invited). She, typically a late sleeper .. her cat would wake her .. I think .. in her bedroom .. hearing that there is movement in the house .. cat wanting out of the bedroom .. she'd get up and come join us.
SOME is okay .. c'mon .. but every frickin morning??!!?!? At 5:30 ??! Seriously?!?!?!?
No. She and I butted heads over that eventually, and she took offense when I suggested she give us at least some mornings and not be a party to what we might want to do with our time, talking. That was highly offensive to her.
I don't see why it should be a problem, but it apparently was.
But yes, when my mom lived with me, .. if I wanted to watch something at night .. I watched what I want, or DH what he wants.
She .. loved to have the tv on the game show channel all day every day. I don't generally turn on the tv at all, in the daytime hours, nothing I want to watch. But .. she would have the tv on .. droning on and on, all day every day, game show after game show .. all day every day. I put up with it, .. a minor annoyance in the broad scheme of things, .. when I'd rather have quiet .. to go about my business. But I put up with it and didn't balk.
But that's my point, .. when you are a guest in residence, as MIL is now, in SIL's home .. I happen to think, .. maybe a tv for MIL's room is in order, rather than them forgoing that which they'd like to tune in on the tv ..
Who wants to watch a recorded sporting event ...????.... you likely already know the outcome on the news, .. why bother watching it later.
Some of you all may remember, back when MIL was digging in her heels on any visit to IL, to her daughter's. One of her reservations .. was that her daughter would be dragging her up and down the roads to doctors .. and that's nothing she wants.
If you all remember that, .. I asked of MIL at the time, .. "have you told your daughter this". She responded that she has, but .. (very true of her daughter), .. MIL's words: "You know her, you can't fight her, she's gonna win every time .. I just don't want that .. at this point in my life ... I can barely get up and function, I don't want to be having to be dragged back and forth to doctors all the time, .. it's not what I want ... ", she'd follow that with .. not wanting to go to her daughter's .. as her daughter will have her in a doc office being prodded and poked at every turn.
I leaned on her daughter on this premise .. and explained the above (her daughter is very guilty of that). Her daughter assured, .. "No, I'm not about making her do things she doesn't want to do ... I always let her take the lead, if they recommend she see a specialist .. I let her make that call, I don't force it".
(ahem .. yea .. you do, I've been there, seen it, you twist arms).
Told her, told SIL ... "I sometimes .. when I'm with her, remind her of the fact she has said so frequently that she doesn't want that, and then let her make the call, .. that she doesn't have to do this .. and sometimes she opts not to).
SIL said she'd talk to her ..
Next thing I knew, SIL said to me that she'd talked to her mom .. and persuaded her mom that she wouldn't be dragging her to doctors at every turn .. that she's not going to do that.
Guess what's going on in IL? You guessed it.
She's been to the gastro doc ... and there was sent for CT Scan on her gut .. now has a follow up appt with same doc. Also an appt upcoming with ortho doc .. for knee injections (that one is a must .. she has to have those steroid shots every few months). Wants to see the neurologist that SIL's hubby sees.
I asked of SIL (yes, being a smart azz) "is she taking the Gabapentin rx'd on this end by the neuro doc? I know they fussed at her when I had her there, an rx that was over 1 year old and she hadn't taken the first pill.
SIL said that no, with this diahrrea she's had (seems to be abating finally) .. that she had taken her off of all meds except the Lasix .. every couple of days instead of daily and the A-fib .. and her antibiotics rx'd. Said she complains she can't take the Gabapentin .. it makes her light headed.
I didn't say it, because it doesn't matter .. but I know from having been with her at the doc office, .. it was said that Gabapentin has the lower side effects of any other options available .. and that she should've worked herself up to "x" doseage .. something she couldn't remember if she'd done .. she just knew she wasn't taking it .. makes her light headed and her nice can't tolerate it .. (was fussed at ... your niece can't take it but that doesn't mean you can't).
I just .. I know, not my fish to fry.
But what was all that lamenting .. and complaining that she doesn't wanna go there, her daughter will drag her from pillar to post to doc offices.
And what's she doing?
SIL says it was "her wish" to do these things.
I don't know, I'm not on site there, .. how much arm twisting is ongoing .. any ..??... I don't know.
But damn .. I mean, .. thanks for the aggravation MIL ... lamenting and complaining non stop that you don't wanna go there for that very reason (among others) and now .. pointless .. she's doing just what she complained she didn't wanna do.
No patience for it.
SIL states that MIL is very very weak behind all this gutt issue. I told her, in response ... "she's been weak .. maybe weaker now, but that's not new .. ".
SO QUIET on the boards without your drama--I am kind of missing it :) I'm laid up from foot surgery and a little bored (if only I liked watching TV!!)
I had the experience of this surgery, then hubby bringing me home and leaving for a trip--with my daughters in "charge". I didn't need them! I was able to manage on my own! It was a test of my own capabilities for caring for myself, and also a "show" for the kids to realize that I am not going to be the PITA that my own mom and MIL are. Hubby came home Monday and had to turn right around and go right back out of town--and there's rumblings in another jobsite that he may need to leave tomorrow. And I have been FINE. Managed to keep on top of the pain, mostly, and keep the foot elevated and ice packs in place. Kept the house picked up, dishes done and actually started the laundry yesterday. It's kind of nice to know I can be independent. We will be moving mush closer to one of my daughters in a couple years and I KNOW she was really anxious about having me "too close". I wanted to prove that I will not become a dragging pain to them.
Hubby has been stellar, He actually brought me a COLD Diet Coke..albeit last night at 8 pm...so I faked drinking it (didn't want to be up all night!) but this was HUGE. He talked to the girls and said they were kind of "mad" b/c I wouldn't let them help---but other than watering the back lawn (a one hour job!) i didn't need them.
Not that this is like your situation, but I fathom that at SOME POINT your MIL slowly changed from being a positive part of your lives to a dragging responsibility. I DO NOT want to do that to my kids.
Enjoy your break!!!!!!
I hope she's enjoying her visit--but mostly I am glad you are getting a break. You haven't posted for a while and I hope that means she's at least stable.
Midkid you sound amazing as to all you're able to keep doing in spite of a bum foot. Your kids should be grateful.
In doing so, it's an endeavor in some frustrations.
First off, it's reported SIL's hubby has slipped into some mild mania .. and as we know this is something that un-nerves MIL with a quickness. SIL reports meds have been adjusted accordingly and there is hope to bring things back to center rapidly. That's the hope anyway, on that front.
Next, .. there is concern .. not sure on whose part .. the workers to begin the basement work in the Fall (not sure when) .. that it will be too disruptive. I only responded, "I'm sure they'll move along as fast as they can and onto the next project, .. it'll all work out, always does".
Also mentioned that SIL's prima donna daughter is slated to go to Hawaii next week with her b'friend .. and that the daughter has hired dog sitters to stay with her 3 precious pups. Stating that there is "worry" as one of them is in ill health, but as SIL put it, "I can't help her, I have more then enough here to handle with mom and her dog and B (her hubby)". I only responded to that, .. "Yes, absolutely you have more than enough to handle, let those that decided to be fur baby parents .. do just that "parent" their fur babies, that's how it's supposed to work".
SIL then reporting the strangest (to her) of findings ...
Seems thru this latest bout of chitapalooza .. (which is all but over now, finally) she'd pulled MIL's Lasix and her Potassium (not sure at whose instruction SIL did this, but whatever). Said she hasn't yet put her back on the Lasix/Potassium, but that amazingly (miracle of miracles) her mom's feet/ankles .. they don't look any worse for the wear, aren't swollen .. wonders how that could be.
I answered: "Well first off, .. you are doing everything for her, so she isn't up and about to have to do for herself, . she's likely sitting a whole lot more .. and elevating her feet/legs .. more than she can do at home".
SIL: "True .. yes .. she has a nice ottoman in the den where she sits, and another nice one in the living room and one in her bedroom, .. yes, it's true I'm mostly the one doing for her, and her dog".
ME: "Yep .. if it were me though, I'd be talking to the cardio doc, you don't wanna play fast and loose with that, there's a reason she takes it, the A-Fib and congestive heart failure, those conditions are ever present ..
(Gonna go bang my head on a brick wall now)
SIL: "No she takes it for the edema....".
Me: "Yes, as a result of the CHF ...... that's the result of the CHF".
SIL: "I don't know, does she really have CHF .. I mean, the cardio doc said she has venous insufficiency".
ME: "Yes, as a result of the CHF .. venous insufficiency .. yes .. don't you remember your dad also had this issue .. he too had CHF .. and had the edema as an issue".
SIL: "It's all so confusing . one time the cardio doc says she has CHF and another time they don't report her EF to be a problem .. I don't know, it's all a huge mystery".
Me: "Well the cardio doc is the source to go to, I wouldn't play fast and loose with the Lasix and Potassium .. I just don't think that's wise".
At that, subject changed, . .and onto other things.
Back from banging my head on the brick wall. Jeeze Louise ... !!!!!!!...... how stupid do you have to be to not know that the edema that has been present for years now, results from the CHF ..................(said in mocking tone) "No, she takes it for the Edema". DUH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OMG!
Whatever.
On to the rest of my day now.
It's good though that she was able to tell her daughter no to the dog sitting. That sounds like progress for her.
Sounds like you are really enjoying the grandkids and just getting to spend much-needed time with your family. Hope you guys have a great weekend!
I thought that basement work was imminent? Guess not! Do you think SIL will try to get MIL back to FL before it commences?
My mother was diagnosed with CHF although it wasn’t considered to be too bad. Still, my mom was put on Lasix.
Even with the Lasix my mothers ankles would swell something awful - literally no definition from ankles to calves, couldn’t wear shoes and even squeezing her chubby feet into flip-flops was a problem. Mom also developed cellulitis a couple times as her skin was stretched tight as a drum and her precious (demon) cat would scratch her.
Anyhoo - when mom went on hospice care, of course they stopped the Lasix. I made the hospice folk agree to restarting the Lasix if the ankles became an issue. I had a hard time accepting that an infection from cellulitis would be the thing to finally do her in.
Anyhoo dos - much to my surprise the entire time my mother was off the Lasix and until her passing her ankles never again became swollen. Guess keeping her legs elevated and following a low/no sodium diet - as prepared by the nursing home - and as instructed by her doctor in the first place, years prior - made all the difference.
Amazing, isn’t it?
Amazingly MIL ....no Lasix on board and no edema to speak of.
But she has had a severely restricted diet with SIL at the helm working to rid the Chitapalooza issue. She also .... as I've said before many times about SIL ... is in her care presently. The very person who does everything but breathe for her.
The ONLY ambulating MIL has to do presently is to and from the bathroom and/or the kitchen table. Someone there to get her meds/meals and do the dishes, retrieve the mail, do the laundry, feed the dog 3x's daily, let the dog in and out. All things MIL has to do herself when living alone. Not allowing she sit with elevated legs/feet.
Oh but the fact there's no edema ... suddenly it's deduced there is no CHF.
UNREAL!!!!!
On the current program, MIL will become impossibly weak — but kiss that swelling goodbye!
With SIL starring in the role of Carnival Barker. Step right up, folks, and look into the funhouse mirror.
How can SIL not acknowledge her mother’s CHF ??
And all the while: SIL’s huffy-puffy anticipatory fretting about short-term basement work creating too much noise for MIL’s selective short fuse.....yet zero concern that the Permanent Household Disruption of MIL on-site (and the detrimental effect on SIL’s vibe) would topple her husband’s precarious emotional balance.
INCREDIBLE. Is SIL really that blind to the obvious??
I cannot imagine being that good at lying to myself. Not in my wildest dreams. SIL is in a league of her own.
W
Walked in on a convo between DH and SIL .. and later MIL then got on the phone, speaker phone.
Apparently on their end, .. the dog is bleeding from the rectum .. not sure what that's about, and have they been to the vet, I'd bet they did, post haste. The husband to SIL, in full blown mania ... eating everything not nailed down, .. (problematic for someone who has diabetes), ... and is playing his high school band instrument, .. I guess .. his grandiose thinking, he's going to now run off and join a band somewhere, .....???.....not sure. Talking non stop. All .. not like him, one bit. A very quiet/reserved sort.
I'm sure they are doing all they can as to med adjustments to bring that back more to the center. Who knows when that succeeds.
And then MIL got on the phone .. and she began telling how she just hasn't felt well, the chitapalooza scene, all but over, .. but she has not been able to get back up to par, and had pulled a muscle of some sort in her thigh .. doesn't know how, hasn't done a damn thing, as she put it. Talked of the weather there (sounds absolutely glorious, wish it were so here), .. cooler temps ... (here it's still hot as the hinges of hell), ..
MIL then lamenting that she doesn't know (as to the weather) as she has only been outside a handful of times, to go to the doctor .. she can't really get out, . hasn't felt well, stays in her PJ's most days .. and ... that it's just .. it seems too much effort, and too hard to accomplish .. getting that walker, and getting down into the garage to get out into the car .. it's just .. it's too much, it's too hard to do.
I wanted to scream .. she was framing this in the manner, .. that this is all new. IT'S NOT ......................this is her life here in FL ... stays in PJ's most days .. just not well enough, strong enough, to fight through what it takes to get dressed .. no stamina to do so ... that she doesn't go outside when here in FL .... it's just too much to try to do. NONE OF THIS IS NEW ............but MIL seemed to be framing it, .. maybe she has no cognition of life outside of that setting, who knows .... seemed to be framing it from the standpoint that it's all new, her lot now. Not so!
MIL talked of her daughter, .. and watching her with all she does (and God knows, the woman doesn't sit down for a minute, her feet hit the floor every morning of her life, running and they don't stop .. all day).
MIL's words: "I don't know guys .. she leaves here to go run an errand and I expect any of these times, she maybe will decide to just keep on going .. and it'll be me and B and the dog here, to fend for ourselves .. I can't say that I'd blame her, .. she is doing so much, you know her .. she just goes and goes and goes .. like the energizer bunny .. between my dog and his problems and taking care of that, and her husband and his problems and me and my problems, .. she just goes and does and then some, constantly ... I expect she'll go out to run one of her errands and just keep on going, one of these times, and never come back, I wouldn't blame her".
That too, almost made me want to scream. Yes, SIL ... she does indeed go like a hamster running full tilt on a wheel constantly .. never stopping. That is true of her, .. through and through .. and yes, she has the added component there of a manic husband to now try to manage.
But the care of MIL and her dog .. were she here in FL .. would fall where? She is so adamantly opposed to going into any supervised residential setting .. that's never gonna happen ... her offspring will see to it that doesn't happen. So if she were here in FL, .. who would be seeing to MIL and her problems and the dog and his problems. Certainly not her son. As has been well established .. he too has a keen ability at denial ... and doesn't engage.
So, while MIL does have some (apparent) ability to recognize
While MIL does have some keen ability to recognize and acknowledge all it is taking to manage it all, .. she doesn't then seem to have any recognition whatsoever, . that this is so not fair to her daughter .. and that she needs to be talking to her daughter, about placement .. That issue .. not on any radar anywhere, and won't be.
She sounds weak and frail, .. much like she sounds here.
She did say that she has to, her words: "I have been here now a month, I think, I don't know, the days run together .. I think I've been here now about a month, it's time to get on with it here .. I need to get stronger and get signed on for PT so that I can then work on not having to use this walker for everything .. and feeling like I'm going to fall, .. every time I try to get up and get around .. I use that walker, but you know, I just feel so weak that even that, I feel like I will fall, all the time".
She also went on to talk about SIL's husband, an avid watcher of sports on tv, of all sorts/shapes/sizes .. always is, even when not manic .. but even more so when manic .. will watch any kind of sporting event on tv, doesn't matter what it is ..
Talked of that struggle and that he has been sent to the basement where there is a tv, .. that way he can tune in to whatever his heart desire's sports-wise .. and MIL not subject to it. (They only have the one tv in the commons area of the home, the den).
I didn't ask because it doesn't matter, but I know that SIL also has concerns about her husband and some balance issues, he too has fallen a time or three (hasn't gotten seriously hurt, yet). So I'm sure .. anytime he is traversing the stairs to the basement and/or back up again, .. I'm quite sure, knowing SIL and her diligence, she is right there, step for step to accommodate that endeavor.
It sounds about absolutely nuts there. SIL trying to manage her mom and her diet .. with low sodium so as to keep edema at bay .. and of course, any diverticulitis issues .. and then also her husband's diet .. as he is manic and tries to eat everything including the wall paneling .. and so trying to manage that .. and then the dog .. and his issues of bleeding from his rectum (no I didn't ask what any dx might've been there, or if it's been seen to, I'm sure it has, the dog coughs as a rule, and it's off to the vet, is about the normal course of things) .. I'm sure SIL .. were she a normal functioning adult .. would be ready to pull her hair out. I would be.
But SIL and that keen ability at Denial. Likely .. it's her normal, to run from pillar to post putting out constant fires and never stopping to say, "hey this ain't right, I'm loosing my mind here, trying to manage all this".
Thank goodness, she had the good sense to tell her daughter to find other arrangements as to her 3 pooches .. as the daughter exits for a Hawaii vacation.
OMG! The situation in IL sounds like a 4 Ring Circus.
There was a thread on this site that jokingly mentioned a missing grandma on a beach on the Gulf Coast with a backpack full of cash. If SIL goes missing she might have kept on going, lives secretly in MIL house at night, and spends her days walking the beach with her backpack.
All joking aside, she, they, someone in that household, surely, eventually, will realize they are in overload mode. Poor BIL....
I know what you mean about the hinges of hell. Until this morning! The temp is 68 degrees here! A Cool Front actually made its way thru the heat and humidity last night.
Doesn't really matter becuse someone will come along with a big bulldozer and clear everything for a nice new housing complex.
I often wondered just what it was that she was so frantically trying to avoid - why it was so difficult to just be still and alone with herself...
Wonder what SIL is avoiding?
It does frustrate and confound me, and I keep a distance from it all, for self-preservation. Made easier, at this point, by the fact this show goes on 1K miles from here. But every once in a while I stumble into it .. and find that my level of frustration ratchets up exponentially.
I try to remind myself, .. for instance, today I am going to travel an hour or so away and go visit a cousin for the afternoon. Something that at one point, was woefully difficult for me to plan. At one point in time, one never knew whether he floor would fall out from under the situation I was propping up here and necessitate my presence front and center, and/or .. I'd of not been able to attend to all that is mine to attend to, .. in the effort at propping up the MIL setting, and then any trip to go enjoy some time with family, .. impossibly difficult to coordinate.
It's still frustrating to me, I suppose, from the angle, there are no clear answers, and living with open-ended scenarios .. something I need to work on. I'm not at all convinced that SIL (who is firmly entrenched in denial) doesn't intend to nurse her mom along, and deposit her back here in FL (her mother's most fervent wish) .. and then waltz off to home, 1K miles away.
While it's "not my problem", we've long since established, it's not easy for me, . someone who sees need .. in someone I care about .. and ignore it, as if it doesn't exist . thus .. any glimmer that SIL intends to deposit MIL back in FL alone .. as her mother would wish .. leaves me with dread.
I guess, for the most part, I cope pretty well, and remind myself constantly that I am not responsible to any of this situation .. and reminding myself that it's now 1K miles away .. so live your life, do the things you wanna do. And I do so. It's just every once in a while, you stumble into the ongoing "as the stomach turns saga" .. and it rears it's ugly head all over again.
Off to go enjoy my day .. with some laughter and some reminiscing with family of my own.
Well, poor B, I have no doubt this manic episode was brought on by MIL's presence in the house. Bipolarity is a difficult disease to manage--in the best of situations. MIL is a definite "toxic" factor. Sometimes I read your posts about her and I am sitting here with MY teeth clenched. Can't imagine LIVING with her.
As for her beloved poochy--not to scare anyone--our wonderful border collie had cancer and the FIRST manifestation of it was rectal bleeding. In a small dog, that can take them down really, really quickly. That may be more than MIL can handle---poor pooch. Although you CAN do chemo and radiation therapy on dogs--it's miserable in inhumane. Our sweet Nina only lived a few months from dx to death.
As far as MIL regaining strength to once again "live alone"...well, every day that she is immobile, she is losing strength. Her entire muscular system is slowly weakening.. Heart and lungs too. If she is not doing, at least, passive PT, she is going to be so weak she will get in a wheelchair and never get out again. The CHF is still there, not managing it b/c SIL took away the meds....holy moly....Drs just adore people who are complete non compliants--such a waste of their time. You say that no progress towards placement in a NH for MIL is in the works, but you're also not surprised. SIL is very good at obfuscating. She cannot return a weaker, sicker, frailer woman to her previous living conditions. It's inhumane, no matter what MIL says.
Well, the top is spinning along, but it's 1000 miles away from you. Just keep on enjoying your well earned break. You know you cannot facilitate any change on MIL's behalf, so don't even try. Just live your MIL free life and let what happens, happen.
BTW--I am SO impressed that through all of this, first post to last, you do remind us (and you!) that you LOVE your MIL and have appreciated and cherished her presence in your lives all these years. I find that remarkable and beautiful. Goodness knows she's given you enough reasons to dislike her--but you don't.
Sorry for the heat--we're taking forever to cool down here and half the state is on fire. I feel for you.
{{Hugs}}
Liz
B (with his own balance issues) is being forced to go up and downstairs repeatedly throughout the day to watch TV...in HIS house? Not right.
If Poochy dies, MIL won't be far behind, right?
If SIL tries to move MIL back to FL, just tell her point-blank that her brother won't/can't do 24/7 caregiving like she is doing and that you will not be doing it, either.
Instead of listening to MIL's whining, which is what you have been trained to do, reflect the responsibility for her own well being back on herself for contingency plans. She's preparing you to have her back in FL, and that is not happening.
But my one lone voice can't dampen the symphony of the 3 others with their "We just want her waning days to be happy, we'll do whatever we can to help her to stay in her own home".
Denial
Denial
DENIAL!
In the setting from the conversation the other day, you had in IL, SIL on one phone, .. MIL on another in that home. On this end, .. DH had the two on speaker phone.
Had I chimed in with something akin to, "yes it's worrisome I know that SIL is working herself to a nub .... let's give some consideration to what your preferences will be going forward, would you rather a nursing home in IL, where SIL can keep a pulse of the goings on, or here in FL .. you know, if you're going to opt for IL, it's going to be crucial that you establish residency there".
I can tell you hands down, without a shadow of a doubt, that would've been met with, ..
SIL and her assurances that she is nursing her mom back to full on 40 yo vigor and health and her mom will be running laps when the time comes (exaggeration, but that's about the approach that would've come from that corner).
DH would've chimed in with, .. "oh Dorker, .. we don't need to talk about that, .. she's gonna be just fine .. she's gonna build to where she has the strength to do her PT and get stronger and before you know it you'll be right back here in your home right ma?"
MIL would've been befuddled and perplexed and stammering and stuttering and a bunch of, "Well I just have to work here to get better, to get well, this isn't me, this isn't what I'm about".
I can't drown down the symphony of naysayers .. that's been the problem all throughout.
I don't see it that their target date, (xmas time) .. is going to find her restored to youth and vitality and able to be deposited to live on her own again.
But I've been the one lone chorus over here singing out of tune all along .. that she shouldn't be left to live alone.
SIL no doubt has her hands full and then some, at this point. And most "normal/functional" rational people would come to the conclusion that some longer term plans need to be put on the table .. not her though. Denial .. that works best for her, for whatever the reasons.
I don't call there, except to report in on the findings of any check up at MIL's house. And when I do, I try my level best to keep it brief and only report that things are fine there, the car runs great .. took it for a drive, .. the house, the yard, all of it, just fine ..
And that's when .. generally .. SIL begins with the litany of the goings on, on their end.
That's when she'd told me, in that conversation previously that her mom .. "does she really even have CHF .??..", this because there is no edema evident at this point, even absent the Lasix which she'd pulled from the routine.
It's an exercise in frustration to even try to talk to them.
Then the other day when I happened to walk in from wherever I'd been, and found DH on speaker with them .. and that's when the latest woes were on the table for discussion, B with his mania....dog w/bleeding rectum .. MIL .. pulled muscle from doing absolutely zero .. doesn't know how that happened, .. the struggles she faces even trying to get out to the garage to get into the car, or to go outside, .. and hasn't done so, just too much to try to do ... and doesn't get dressed most days .. (that's nothing new, AT ALL).
For me to have chimed in with a discussion of a path forward, I'd of been drowned down before I even got going.