I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
I think it's probably about like Midkid said, .. and like DD said of it all, .. DD's words, "Mom she has OAB".
Me: "OAB, what's that?".
DD: Old azz bowels .. the woman is almost 100 years old, her parts are wore out".
Maybe she's just going to be plagued with fecal issues ... her remaining days on earth here .. I don't know.
SIL .. they are transporting to a room at present, admitting her.
Interesting that she did answer, and said that when her daughter returns .. which is to be tomorrow ... she's sure she'll help as she can. That was her answer, as to my question on whether her daughter will help out. Said she hasn't informed her daughter of any of this latest, .. as her daughter is on vacation and a 6 hour time difference, from where SIL is located vs where the daughter is on vacation.
She said that MIL is to see the ortho doc on Monday for knee injections and depending on her own situation . may be that either her daughter or her husband will have to transport MIL for these knee injections. Interesting to note, MIL would rather have a root canal with no anesthesia than to get in any car driven by SIL's husband.
She may decide that an AL/admit to hospital is preferable to what she is facing right now.
SIL's daughter may force the issue ("Mom, I can't do this; get her into a facility"). That would be a good thing.
Dorker, practice saying " I can't possibly do that".
I guess at this point, it's just SIL's much detested husband at the helm of MIL's care. I'm sure it must be a 3-ring circus ongoing there.
DH here on this end, his input: "I feel like this is all too much stress on them, too much of a hardship" (referring to his sister and her husband). No other solution offered on his part.
Not arguing about it. I think he's probably right . but short of talking of placement, what are the alternatives ... there aren't any.
What your MIL is experiencing may be the result of strokes/ministrokes or such, especially since you have had her undergo such extensive testing and no answers. The brain just drops certain connections or they flicker, sometimes working fine, sometimes not.
It is an unbelievable amount of work dealing with that type of unpredictable fecal incontinence. Maybe it would help SIL to know that she may be in for this as the new normal. Maybe it would provide a little more motivation to find a facility. It sounds to me as though she is underwater and will likely find it very difficult to say so.
Hopefully, she will realize that maintaining this is not healthy for her or her marriage. Chitapalooza could be a blessing in disguise;)
On a serious note, though, it is good you stepped out. My mother cared for her parent for many years while I cared for my in-laws. This summer, she had a hemorrhagic stroke. I was with her every day in Neuro ICU for almost a month, then when it became more and more clear that the damage was profound, had to decide no feeding tube and sat with her 7 more days until she finally passed. It was excruciating. She was in her 60s, and it was basically due to high blood pressure and stress. We always joked that someday, we would have time to travel and spend time together and with my kids again. My heart hurts to think that that time will never happen now.
I will eventually post a separate thread on this and I don’t want to hijack, but I know many people have been following Dorker’s story. I think it is important to know that you made a hard, but ultimately healthy choice. People always cite the caregiver death/disability statistics. But, when it happens up close...
Best wishes to all.
I take it the work hasn't started on the basement foundation yet?
Maybe SIL is getting ill from the stress of chitapalooza?
Don't be too concerned with whether or not SIL's Daughter-withDoggies helps out or not. You were angry that SIL expected your daughters to help out, and you still seem angry that she isn't asking her now. Looks like all sorts of karma for that has happened to SIL, yes?
I feel badly for B. HE is now cleaning up chitapalooza from MIL who is nasty to him?
Is Poochy still bleeding from the rectum? Is B cleaning THAT up, too?
DH is not wanting to offer solutions that would bring MIL back. SIL is retired and you all are not. He’s not gonna rush up there to provide respite and you’ve made your position clear. Thank goodness!
My FIL stepped in it with my hubs two weeks ago. Revoked POA when contacted by bank that hubs had asked if it was ok to talk to. Make sure titled to make smoother probate and provide funds if something happens. FIL accused him of being untrustworthy about money and screamed at him. Hubs finally told him that he could figure it out and pay someone else to take care of the money he’s afraid hubs is after. A week later FIL called to ask if they can talk, cancels cause he is sick, then calls wanting hubs to leave work and take FIL to doc. Hubs suggested Uber since he had prior plans and FIL hung up. Narcs are not nicer with dementia, and you can only win if you don’t play. Hubs said he’ll wait until his dad is more polite. Well, winter isssssss coming:)
SIL discharged to go home this evening. Conclusion, .. ill effects from the new antibiotic she was put on, complicating by some irritation to "internal" hemorrhoids. I know TMI .. but that's the crux of the final verdict.
So now it will be back to the grind for SIL, .. as soon as she is up to speed, .. knowing her, that's this evening, and didn't miss a beat.
Tomorrow is a trip to the ortho doc for knee injections . .and her DH has plotted the course of how to get there, and best assist MIL should he be the one in charge of doing so. I don't know the verdict on how that will occur. But as I said before, MIL would rather have a root canal than be in any car driven by SIL's dh.
Later this week, a trip to neuro doc for discussion on the neuropathy, which DH took exception to, telling his sister, "WHY? .. she's old, can we not just say that chit's gonna happen, .. all this running to docs". SIL's response: "Well we talked about it (translation she arm twisted, would be my guess) and decided a 2nd opinion would be helpful. DH: 2nd opinion on what, she has neuropathy in her feet/legs .. they've rx'd a med she doesn't take .. what's the point".
I walked away from their convo at that point, .. couldn't take it anymore. Same arguments I've had .. all pointless.
Do you really think they will return to FL by the holidays?
Like DH asked me yesterday: "You don't, you haven't heard anything have you, ..???......do you think sister might think it's possible to bring mom back to FL and leave her to be alone, .. she's not thinking that is she, mom can't live alone anymore"
My response: "Have you asked her that question?".
DH's next response (as he gazed off to some far off wonderland): "surely she can't be thinking that's what the next step in all this will be .. mother is too frail. But ... this is all so unfair to sister .. that she has to give up her life to mom's well being .. and it's such a hardship on them".
My response: "what solutions do you have?".
Nothing .. subject changed by me. Moving on along. '
Yes it's so wrong that SIL has to take this on .. I agree 1000%. But .. short of some "let's get real" dialogue on their parts as to what direction the future holds with all this, .. the status quo will have to be.
I just ... even still I just shake my head .... when I reflect that SIL was talking of the Lasix and the doc's instructions to weigh MIL daily, any deviance of upwards of 2 lbs or more, .. give the Lasix to rid fluids. SIL then talking "but you can't weigh her, she can't be still, she can't stand in one place, she wobbles and topples and so forth and sways .. she can't do that".
I don't know what's been done to address that.
And on the other front, as DH put it, .. "They keep running it up the flagpole that there have been no hurricanes, kinda in a way that maybe this wasn't at all necessary, her having to get out of the way of weather peril".
So now we have that weather system turning this way towards FL. Fortunately at least thus far, .. it's strength and track .. it's not going to be a direct impact of anything serious, (so far anyway, unless things change). But .. locally .. we are told to expect a lot of rain, wind .. some of it possibly damaging .. and localized power outages, and possibility of tornado activity.
So uhm .. yea .. it's a good thing that MIL is safely tucked away in IL. Power outages? She couldn't "cope" and exist in that. She'd have to be brought over here, where this also a possible power outage .. and then there we'd have it, same set up as before, cords outstretched in every direction .... a generator running, .. and her unable to get around here. And "falling" out of my too soft bed.
I did send some links to SIL via text this morning, of local news on this issue, to inform her, and remind them .. "it's a good thing she's safely tucked away from all this".
So there's that.
At least DH is mulling over in his mind the downside of MIL returning to her home. I guess we will have to see what kind of defense he builds if/when SIL starts mentioning a return.
Our local newspaper had an article about the storm. How Storm is headed to the other side of the Gulf. We are still a little “twitchy” on this side of the Gulf.
I see forecast call for possible strengthening to a CAT 3. That makes me twitchy for you.
Here, the prediction is some rain/wind, possibility for localized flooding (we never flood where I live, high and dry), some power outages perhaps, and possibility of tornadoes.
If it stays where it's projected to go, we shouldn't be anymore impacted than is a normal FL storm we have almost daily in the summer.
Watching it though.
As for our area, the rub is that we may experience some tornado watches, and some rain .. "may" ... but the peril is mostly not in our direction. Thankfully.
In the meantime though .. Holy geeze.
SIL .. of course, out of the hospital and home now, but .. is she even up to speed? Who knows, she is loosing her mind and has no time to even know how she is doing health-wise.
She took MIL to the knee doc for injections, there MIL was carted to ER via paramedics. Accdg to SIL .. it was SIl and MIL in the waiting room, when she asked her mom a question of some sort, and her mom's words to answer said question, garbled, mumbled. She asked her again, same result. SIL asked MIL to do the things you ask someone that you suspect of having a stroke, stick out your tongue, hold up your arm, those tasks completed just fine. But speaking .. she was garbling her words. Called the nurse in, same result, the doc .. same result. Paramedics summoned. Carted off to the ER.
MIL was, by the time the paramedics arrived, just fine .. her words just fine, conversing with the rescue personnel. But nonetheless, carted off to the ER.
She has had a couple of these type things recently, one of them, she'd just awakened, so SIL charted that one up to, having not been fully awake. Another one, SIL charted that maybe she was just dehydrated (?, why SIL would think that as the culprit, not sure). Then today .. this happened, .. and of course, rescue personnel summoned. So SIL is at present, at the ER .. where I guess the investigation can begin as to what's going on with MIL. As SIL put it, "Damnit, I cannot believe I'm right back here at this same hospital I was in just days ago!".
As another note, SIL reports that her daughter is on her, like white on rice, .. that her mother needs to be in a home .. that her mother requires more care than she can continue to give .. that it's making her sick, making her dad sick (SIL's husband). As SIL put it, telling me, "She is putting all this pressure on me, and I told her, what am I gonna do "M" .. I told mother she would be coming back to her home, I can't do that to her ... I'm seeing it ... that it's more than I can do .. I mean maybe if B hadn't gone manic, or maybe if I hadn't gotten strep .. and then that bad reaction to the medication, .. I don't know".
I said to SIL: "That's life SIL. When MIL lives here .. and her so needy and compromised, .. and one of us is down and can't attend to MIL it's a nightmare .. it's taking more than any of us can do".
SIL: "I know, I'm seeing that, .. but ... right now, we gotta just deal with what's going on with whatever happened with her not being able to talk, now she's fine .. but whatever that was about ... but I don't know, I mean .. where ...????......here, in a home somewhere, there in a home .. ??..... I don't know".
I let her go, so she could get on into the ER to go meet with MIL there, and the docs.
Keep us updated. Maybe they will do a CT scan or MRI and determine that she's had another microbleed? But even then....then what?
Keep telling SIL and DH that MIL absolutely can not live on her own. Lets hope her offspring take the next logical step.
Doc thinks probably a TIA brought on by the fact she stopped taking here Eliquis when SIL was hospitalized and not there to babysit that issue. Yes, you read that right .. SIL in the hospital .. and not there to dole out the meds .. the Eliquis didn't get consumed. Yep.
Why?
I don't know, why does she routinely fail to take the meds rx'd? Because she's elderly and not able to process in the brain .. cause/effect ...???..... I don't know.
And even more interesting. DH put in a call to her tonight (his mom).
First I'll preface it all with just how miserable she is, just in general, .. did I mention how M-I-S-E-R-A-B-L-E she is .. and her words, "I just, it's all I can think about, I want to be in my home, just me and my dog, .. and just shut the door and all of ya'll go on and leave me be".
This next sentence, .. maybe I won't mean it when I calm down, but *what an ungrateful old hag*. I mean it, at least right now. Here her daughter has upended her damn world .. to bring her into their home, sheltered from FL storms, (and for the fact, she CAN'T live alone anymore), her daughter having had grab bars installed everywhere for her mom, .. standing on her head . as to her mom's diet, .. to try to rid the chitapalooza scene, .. even sleeping with her the first couple of weeks, so she could help with middle of the night chitapalooza episodes. SIL's husband has been remanded to the basement for his television entertainment, so as to not bore MIL with all his sports programs ... as SIL puts it .. there are doggie steps in the way, for the dog to get up and down, to bed, to furniture, .. her husband's ottoman has been commanded away from him, to accommodate MIL elevating her legs.
And all she has to say is she just . it's all she can think about, .. if she could just get home to her house, and her things, .. just her and her little doggie.
Oh it gets worse.
So then she was asking DH how we have fared with the storm. He responded, "oh it's not right here on us, we're fine .. I mean it's a little gusty here, .. bands of rain coming thru, some thunderstorms, but nothing bad".
What did she say to that: "And where is Dorker, did she find somewhere to go to?".
DH: "Who?, Dorker?", .... no .. she's right here, she's here".
MIL: "Oh well she'd said if another storm comes she's leaving".
DH: "No, it's not here, the storm isn't on us, that's over on the panhandle of the state mom".
MIL: "Oh so Dorker didn't leave huh".
Make no mistake about it, she was being snarky and smart azz. In other words, .. that was one reason I had to leave the area, Dorker no longer agrees to be my hand maiden and said she'd be gone if another storm comes .. how dare Dorker stay put and not run for hiding. That was her point, .. no two ways about it.
I was shocked.
DH only said .. "No mom .. she didn't need to leave, the storm wasn't on us .. not in our area".
I am so pizzed I can't see straight, over that.
Oh but it gets better.
So then, .. here I'd hoped the woman has gained some appreciation for her much detested son in law .. in the fact he was her c/g while SIL was hospitalized, such that he is.
(((Btw, it was under his tenure, the Eliquis didn't get consumed, but that would be about typical .. he isn't going to be as diligent .. no one would be, .. other than SIL and as we saw she was no incapacitated)))
So much for my thoughts. Not at all, has there been an "appreciation" gained.
DH said to his mom: "Well you guys have really had it there haven't ya ... I mean you had diahrea for weeks, and SIL's hubby went manic .. then with sister and her strep and her bad reaction to that antibiotic and landing in the hospital .. you guys have had it there!".
MIL: "Oh it's been so bad .. it's so bad I can't
MIL: "Oh it's so bad, .. it's so bad I just can't even describe how bad it's been, I just want to be home, me and my doggie .. in my house, with my things and just shut the door and all of ya'll leave me be".
DH: "Well good that SIL's hubby was there to help you and take care of you, and the doggie while SIL was hospitalized".
MIL: "Oh don't let them fool ya ... no .. no he's not .......".
Then stopped herself .. I think she was probably going to go on and say "he's not good for a damn thing" or something similar.
DH: "Mom! B was there, and he was taking care of you while SIL couldn't".
MIL: "No, not really no .. it's not like that at all, .. don't let them tell you that .. he's not".
Then she wouldn't go any further, maybe SIL sitting right there at her elbow, I don't know.
I was floored.
In talking with SIL a bit later, . her completely bewildered and worn out past going at this point (she hasn't even had time .. not really .. to see if she even feels better from her bout of illness). Her talking, venting .. that she's seeing this is too much . .. and that her daughter is on her, pressuring her, that her mom needs to be in a home .. that it's making her sick, making her dad sick .. and that MIL requires to much care, but SIL lamenting .. I don't know what to do .. she will fight me tooth and nail .. if I mention AL .. she won't take that laying down, she wants me to just put her and her dog on a plane and send them home, of course I can't do that, .. I had so hoped I could get her here, .. and make a difference and get her stronger .. but .. it just seems like it's too much".
Me: SIL that's what I've been saying now for 2 years .... she is too compromised. When I sat down with you to talk to you, I told you, I can't keep propping it up .. what all it takes .. not and have any life of my own .. it's too much .. that's what you're experiencing now".
SIL: "I just don't know what to do ...".
ME: "Well a good place to start is to get that damned cog assessment I fought with you about, .. a year ago .. let them be the ones to make that call and it then takes you and your brother and your opinions off the table.
The above was mentioned because she'd said that her mom seems to be slipping cognitively (ya think?!?!?!??!?). That her mom doesn't always seem to "be aware of her various health issues and the reasons why she is treated, and takes this and that for it.
I then unloaded: "I tell ya what, so now my name is mud apparently because I'm the one who doesn't find it suitable she be here during hurricane season .. HELL SIL she can't take care of herself in a normal damned setting .. much less when the world has been turned upside down by storm damage, but okay my name is mud .. got it, ..because I didn't evacuate outta here, for a storm that isn't even located here. But not only that, to hear how she talks about your husband ... even still, .. here you were confined to a hospital and he was her only help .. and for her to chalk up what help he was able to give, as maybe not competent or whatever, but at the least not appreciated .. how damned ungrateful .. I know she is old and cantankerous but damnit that doesn't give her any right to not be grateful TO ALL for all that is done for her. I'm just really pizzed.
SIL .. she is just bewildered beyond measure at this point. Bewildered by the fact she has given it her earnest effort the last month or so she's had her mom in her care there, .. and I think .. truly lived/breathed/believed .. she'd make all the difference and have her mom running laps in the neighborhood in no time flat. It isn't happening, of course. Bewildered in the fact .. she has seen how far down she herself has gone .. in all this care-giving role is taking. Bewildered in seeing .. perhaps . that her own situation with the care of her husband .. and his needs .. is consuming .. now taking on her mom and her deep deep need.
has a good head on her shoulders.
Ive thought so ever since Dorker drove “M” to the airport- was it around Christmas? - when “M” said to Dorker “this effects your life - you get a say in it”. I couldn’t agree more.
Yes, “M” may be a little selfish when it comes to the whole dog sitting expectations but other than that...
“M” is actually living the life I had planned for myself - single, rich boyfriends and frequent, luxury vacations. But alas - “life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans” - as John Lennon said.
Anyhoo - here’s hoping that SIL will finally buy a vowel and solve the puzzle.
She didn't want to go to IL either, but once you were able to draw the line and step back, she went, very reluctantly, but she went. I'm thinking that's what would happen too in this scenario if SIL would just go for it. I'm betting the doc who discharged her from hospital or her PCP there would be more than willing to write orders for skilled nursing care right now, with or without a neuro cognitive assessment first, because of the recent TIA and her myriad of health issues. I'm sure they can see how weak she is too.
Well, here's to hoping...
I'm glad you and your family are safe. I'm sorry MIL was being snarky toward you and about poor BIL. Some people just don't appreciate the blessings and the help that they do have. Sounds like MIL is just throwing a tantrum because she wants to go back home.
Yes indeed "M" the daughter of SIL .. lives the "life". She will be 40 next June .. never had any kids .. doesn't want any, never did. Was married briefly .. to a real mover and shaker on Wall Street .. and walked away from that marriage with quite a divorce settlement .. to put in her bank account.
Now she has a plethora of g'friends that she enjoys ... and generally a boyfriend .. that she also enjoys and travels with .. and .. a mom that she can dump her dogs on at will, except now .. now that MIL is in the way of that endeavor.
Dont get me wrong, I do really wish she wasn’t so comprised and I can’t guarantee if I make it to MILs age I won’t behave in exactly the same way. sigh...
Its a mess. Wouldn’t have to be if everyone was dealing with a cooperative elder. sigh
Dorker, Glad you got all that off your chest. I hope SIL heard it.
I agree, I think M, whatever her motives, may be the one that tips this canoe. She is basically saying the same thing you have said but SIL can’t wave her off. She feels M’s words as pressure or she is actually hearing the words punctuated by the circumstances.
Glad your family is safe in FLA. Hope SIL stays healthy and doesn’t blow a gasket. Hope BIL stays stable.
I hate that the calls from IL are so stressful. But, SIL, is on an island so to speak. Sounds like she knows she needs to do something, she just doesn’t want to accept what that something is, or just can’t say the words to her Mom. sigh
I hope the stress of all of this doesn't send SIL back to illness/hospital. If she continues to take care of her mother, she could literally kill herself (at least she would if MIL had years ahead of her, which she probably doesn't).
She just doesn't see how the stress is affecting herself and B. Why this old woman gets to upend everyone else is beyond me. Did she bully SIL when she was growing up?
My mother is unappreciative of what I do, and my reaction is to do as little as possible for her. Yet in SIL's case it seems to be the opposite. Interesting.
Very telling in talking with her last night, and the talk, the line of dialogue at that point was on the topic of her mom not being really cognitively aware .. it seems (to SIL) what her various ailments are, and how they are treated and why, and what meds treat what, .. and why, etc., at times. I then referenced, this isn't new, how long have we fought the Lasix battle ... even running back and forth to docs with edema out of control, as the result of that issue ... and them recommending support hose that never get seen to. She doesn't seem to register cause/effect. SIL then said this (enabler).
SIL: "Well I was confined to the hospital, our routine here, was upended, nobody was firing on all cylinders, I think that's why her meds didn't get taken".
Oh okay .. so just think about that .. just for a moment. You leave your husband, at times, to come to FL and care for your mom. What if that was the excuse for his "forgetting" to take his meds. The results would be disastrous. But nope ... he manages (because he fires on all cylinders, mostly) to take his meds when you aren't there to dole them out.
I had asked her a week or so ago, how is MIL doing with her meds, she taking them on her own. The answer at that time had been, .. "Well when she got here, and of course the diahrrea scene in full blown glory and her so weak .. I'd just been doling them out to her, and hounding her to take them, and reminding her, .. and I haven't yet backed off of that, but I plan to like next week or so, .. go ahead and let her take the reigns on that".
By that next week, I think she was in the throes of strep throat that wouldn't quit/fever that wouldn't quit and then of course from there forward .. a bad reaction to the antibiotic rx'd .. and ... a hospital confinement.
But the point here is .. those who fire on all cylinders .. they are motivated to take their meds for the very reason they are rx'd, and they understand/comprehend/process, the reasons why these meds are part of their daily routine, and generally speaking .. we all see to that on our own, ... for the most part.
But SIL .... always at the ready with an "excuse" for everything. If she were married to a sloppy alcoholic that drank and couldn't function .. she'd be the one cleaning up the mess behind his drinking binges and making excuses for him. "Well if I hadn't gone out to a movie with my g'friends for the night, .. he wouldn't of drank so much that he threw up all over the floor and passed out drunk".
That's her .. that defines her.
Her husband, isn't, and never has been a drunk, .. but that would be about how she'd handle it if he were.
"ENABLER".
So now, I guess it's SIL's fault that she was now confined (accd'g to her) to a hospital and their routine there at the house, upended in her absence.
So .. uhm .. your explanation for why meds don't get taken as rx'd when she lives here alone? That one .. ???..... hmm ... no explanation. Maybe cognitive impairment .. that is so very damned evident .. but no ... oh no .. let's don't go find out, nope.
Yes, MIL with her "All I can think about, it's always on my mind, if I can just get back to my house, with my things, and my little doggie .. that's all I want .. and then I'll shut the door and all of ya'll leave me be". Followed by her words: "Now you all have your lives and I have mine .. you go live yours and let me live mine".
DH: "Mom we aren't gonna just leave you be .. that's not gonna happen, you're an important part of our family and we love you".
MIL: "You have no idea how bad this all is .. it's all just so bad .. I just can't seem to pull out of this, .. I get one thing wrong and then I think if I can just get past that .. but then another thing goes wrong ... and I just can't seem to get past it all, I just want to be in my home, .. me and my little doggie".
Yes, she has forgotten .. (as with most things) ... her home, just her and her little doggie was a situation that she wasn't able to manage either .. and all she could think of there, .. and say there, .. "I just want to get stronger, and get past all this, I just want to do the things I want to do .... this isn't me, this running to doctors and all these tests and procedures, and pills, this isn't what I'm about".
She's forgotten ....
As DH was saying of it, .. the fact that she lives alone and something goes wrong .. and she's calling him. It's not a matter at all, that she wants to be in her home, and just shut the door and "ya'll leave me be".
Didn't we just have an episode within weeks before SIL got here to retrieve her mom .. DH having to rush out there, .. that her hands weren't working and she was scared .. didn't DH get summoned to go see about her.
He should have, at that point (but I've quit suggesting .. I don't get heard) .. he should've insisted that 911 be called, and he'd meet her later at the hospital .. he can't dx hands that aren't working (by the time he got there, her hands were working again).
How many times has DH been summoned off a jobsite or attempts thereof .. with the whole saga of "Something isn't right, I don't feel right, I can't think, I just don't feel right, something is wrong", .. and DH go flying in that direction, only to find that she is now more lucid but whatever was going on moments before .. was indeed frightening and not right, accd'g to her. I don't doubt at all these episodes occur .. and it's not at all that she makes things up .. that's not the point .. the point is .. her needs .. her care .. is more than just DH stopping the presses to run in that direction and/or SIL taking her in to try to strengthen and restore her .. it's beyond all that, well beyond it.
But does she sit there with her, "Something isn't right", or her diarrhea that is an ever present unanswered problem has returned .. or her hands don't work, or the edema is so bad .. it needs someone to look at it, .. or maybe she's dehydrated .. she can't think .. does she sit there with it, .. with a notion of "ya'll leave me be". Hell no. Not one iota.
As I finally told SIL last night, citing some of the above: "She's not gonna be happy until you guys sell your home and move down here .. and every last one of us upends our existence to serve her needs, she's being selfish and I'm over it".
It really grinds my gears what shes said about me, but I think even more so, about SIL's husband.
If you could picture him .. he's a slight guy .. not a big guy ... slumped over somewhat in posture (just his normal) .. is 74 I think in years .. and is so drugged up for his Bipolar condition to keep it in check .. that he's just a shell of a functional human really. But compliant, to a fault ... and kind and unassuming and quiet, helpful when asked, .. other than that, you don't even really know he's there.
I think even more so than my anger at what was said about me, .. to a larger degree I just feel pity for SIL's husband. He doesn't deserve her treating him that way .. and SIL allowing it. Where I got a belly full of all it takes to care for her, and stepped off. He would never. He is kind/patient/tolerant to a fault, and pharmacologically numbed.
To have heard MIL's words to DH last night .. on the phone.
MIL: "I have gotten here and had that horrible diarrhea and survived through that, it's been so horrible .. and of course the doc visits .. and then of course .. B went manic .. that was so bad . you just can't even imagine how bad .. it's just . there are no words ...." (as she then goes on to talk about the hell it's all been there).
I sat there listening to that, and thought to myself, you selfish hag .. you have not one iota, not even an ounce of a modicum of a capacity for empathy for anyone else .. it's all about you and your wants .. you won't be