I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
You won't be happy until you've run everyone in the ground .. with all your wants/needs .. you don't have even an ounce of any capacity for empathy for the fact that HE CAN'T HELP IT ....................... and his wife .............. isn't dancing in the park here, trying to help get it wrangled back into center ... damn ........... you ungrateful hag.
Those were my thoughts as I listened to that.
I didn't chime in at all, on the convo between DH and his mom. I'm sure there is expectation in it all that I would reach out this morning maybe and call her and check on her (on her behalf).
I just can't stomach doing so .. not to hear more tale of woe .. and woe with me, and this isn't what I'm about, and it's all so bad .. and this is just awful .. and so forth.
I'd want to blast her .. "Tell ya what, .. how bout you work on finding some gratitude for the fact that you have .. at least thus far .. people who care about you . how bout instead of focusing on how bad this all is .. focus on the fact you have a daughter who has turned her world upside down to try to accommodate you and your needs and when here, you routinely have your son hopping to, to meet all the need .. I'm gonna hang up now before I say things I regret, but how bout you take some time to reflect on some of that".
I just can't call her and be kind .. I'm too angry.
I'm not sure who would have been expecting you to reach out and offer sympathy over the phone. Are you sure it isn't you? It could be residual people-pleasing habits irritating your subconscious, would be my guess; but even if it was an internal battle I'm glad you won. That is *exactly* the kind of thing that you can do if you feel genuinely moved to, and absolutely should not do if you don't.
But feeling increasingly angry towards MIL is not good for you and not going to help anyone else. You have no control over what happens next, and God knows you have spent enough time fruitlessly banging your head against a brick wall trying to get DH and SIL to focus on needs-based solutions. You can't go on as you are until either you explode or MIL dies, whichever comes first. How are you going to stop?
I do not envy any of the people in this situation - these are rough times for all of them. But they will pass, come what may, and nothing you can do will make it happen faster.
Until 30 minutes later-
"Come quick. My mouth is dry. I need water! I can't reach my water glass."
Dorker, call your granddaughter and chat with her about her day. Cook something comforting for dinner. Drop a note to someone you love that you keep meaning to connect with. Make yourself focus on the life affirming parts of your life. If you have a hobby you feel passionate about, jump into it. When I'm stressed out and ready to throttle someone, I visualize my next fiber project.
Let go of MIL being snarky about you - she's scared, frustrated, sick and lashing out. She's at a time of life where every option is a lousy one so she's not going to feel gratitude.
MIL's cognitive skills are shot. There's a storm in Florida? It must be in Dorker's area! Dorker said she'd leave, right? You really should ignore this stuff; not just hold your temper, but learn to let go of your anger.
The only person you're hurting is you.
Now, if you want to be angry and frustrated at your DH, be my guest!
I don't have a timetable on that arrival here.
And I don't know but I presume some here will let me know. I'm not even sure, si she even a candidate for an AL? I mean, in her capabilities to manage on her own. Yes, it's going to have to be Medicaid .. yes that doesn't happen overnight, that much I know .. having learned it here on this site.
Fortunately .. it's not going to be mine to navigate. I will certainly provide whatever info I can, to help .. but I won't be in the trenches. She tells DH she's coming back here .. and will let her house go .. and then go into AL.
She talks like it will happen o'nite . .I didn't bother letting anyone know, these things don't happen o'nite, particularly when it's a Medicaid situation.
I did tell DH that I have my doubts that she's a candidate .. she has to be able to ambulate on her own ... (at least to my knowledge) .. she has to be able to manae her own meds, for the most part (at least to my knowledge) .. she seems to think a site can be found where her doggie can go with her .. but again .. she has to be able to walk the dog and dispose of the excrement.
She says she doesn't want to stay in IL. IL is not home to her, she says. Not sure what makes FL her home .. if she isn't in her "home". She has no real connections here to the community any longer .. she doesn't drive .. she doesn't attend any church and/or programs .. engage with friends. She has us . that's it, that's her connection here in FL. That's all.
Of course DH asked her, shouldn't she stay in IL .. for whatever AL . so that his sister can be more hands on .. and help her, and her answer to that was that no, she cannot burden SIL any longer, .. that SIL has her hands full with her husband she cares for and that is a real burden she deals with .. and that SIL herself, isn't well.
I don't know .. I would hope that would be the case, that AL would be sought in IL .. but .... again .. as I've learned so many times, I have no voice in any of this. So I stay out of it.
I'm sure SIL would prefer she stay there for whatever AL placement .. but .. I don't know what dialogue has transpired there between MIL and SIL.
So that's what the story is as of right now.
I know, I know, not your decision to make, and could be just MIL talking. It just seems much more logical to have all of the above in place first. You're right, it often takes months.
At least MIL is talking about AL. That is a big step, which likely wouldn't have happened had you not stuck to your boundaries in all of this.
You know why MIL wants to return to Florida and live in an AL there?
Anyone? I suspect there are a few others out there in cyber vision waving their cynical hand...
Because she has NO INTENTION of moving into an AL! However, MIL is still mentally with it enough to realize that giving lip service to this plan is the only way in hell she’ll get SIL to accompany her back to Florida and her house. MIL knows the trip would be impossible otherwise.
And honestly- right now SIL is even more than her usual - ready to believe what she needs to believe to make it through the night. SIL is painfully aware what a cluster f*ck her and B’s life has become in just - what - about eight eeeks with MIL living there. SIL is digging out her rosey hued glasses.
But trust me- I can spot a manipulation from miles away and MIL is pushing her chips all in. - ITS NEVER GONNA HAPPEN.
Frankly - if the whole thing didn’t smack of exactly something my own mom would have pulled - I’d be impressed. MIL is one sly cookie.
That's a Freudian typo if ever there was one! :)
I wouldn't want to end my days in a Southern facility any more than MIL wants to come to NYC.
I think she may have been given a "forced choice" by SIL. She may actually see how unsustainable her being at SIL's is. She may also appreciate the fact that you don't drag her to doctors, Dorker!
In your shoes, I'd look up regs on Florida ALs and get a list together of close by ones.
In NYS, ALs charge by level of care. If you need your meds managed and distributed, I think that was included.
A place to start.
DH wants MIL in an AL in IL, so SIL can look after her. He wants no part of that. And SIL is finally getting to wise as to all that it takes to prop up MIL. And I bet she'd like to have her in FL, so that she can be off-duty. Because wherever MIL is (IL or FL), even if she's in AL, someone will be on-duty.
I agree with those here who say she has no intention of ever stepping foot inside an AL or any other site. The perfect roadblock will be precious poochie.
You are right when you say she cannot look after her dog on her own. She can't take her dog for walks, .. nor pick up the dog's excrement, much less get her dog to and fro vet appts, and/or the dog's grooming needs.
I'm sure there are services, if one wishes to pay for such .. that can handle all that and so much more. But as has been well established. She is an indigent patient and has no means to pay for such.
So there is gonna be the perfect roadblock .. to any agreement on proceeding to an AL. Count on it.
She doesn't take her meds as rx'd and that too, even if she were agreeable to entrance to an AL .. would be an impediment.
No, I'm quite sure she has enough wherewithall, all she knows is she wants to be back home in her house, with her memories, and her things ... and that's all she can think about at this point. Once that's accomplished, she'll dig in her heels and refuse any placement.
We'll be back at square one.
Oh I'm sure some here will advise .. that's when you play hardball .. she just doesn't get someone to run to her beckoning call for carting the dog off to grooming, and/or appts at the vet, and/or specialty foods and treats .. and so many other of her wants .. needs.
But as has also been established .. .nobody in this whole chit show .. will play hardball. It's Queen MIL and all her minions to do her bidding at will. Same chit show to return shortly to a theater near you.
Further thoughts:
I haven't talked to SIL (she is fighting her way back .. truthfully .. from her own ailments) .. I don't think she's fully up to speed really. It's probably a good thing that she and I haven't talked, .. all her coddling and pie in the sky optimism .. would likely not be good for me to have to stomach at this point.
She texted me yesterday that they'd done some kind of test that shows ejection fraction at 60% .. said to them that if she has CHF it's only mild. Said yesterday in another text, that her mom hasn't been on Lasix at all, .. and no edema. I didn't respond.
I'm tired of the same ole, same ole. Okay so your mom only has slight CHF ..... whatever .. then maybe talk that over with her cardio doc here .. as to why there has been a dx of CHF and what that means ... otherwise, what have I got to say about it ... and the Lasix and absence of any edema .. covered that ground .. your mom is living the life of a royal at this point, someone to care for her dog, fix her plate for her .. do her laundry for her .. let her dog in and out and feed her dog .. all things she has to do for herself, when here alone. In your home, she's allowed to sit with elevated feet .. for the most part. There ya have it .. and her diet is extremely monitored.
All stuff I've said before in her having put forth the "She's been off her Lasix and there isn't any edema".
Okay so, .. I'm tired of repeating myself.
I simply didn't answer her texts.
In some sense, I do feel for her .. she moved heaven and earth to get her mom up there to IL with her, to try to strengthen (which I knew wouldn't be likely) and fortify her mom back to the vitality of a 40 yo. She worked to get that stupid ESA designation for the dog .. she borrowed from a lending closet .. a wheelchair (Was gonna, if her mom isn't able to get around .. but hoped to get PT to get her mom stronger to get around some, then wheel her for a walk outside for some fresh air), she borrowed walkers from the lending closet, had grab bars installed in her home .. ordered doggie steps for the dog to be able to get up and down from furniture and beds .. and countless other measures.
Not to mention, the wringing of hands and gnashing of teeth over the basement work which was to (I thought) commence imminently for all the hand
For all the hand wringing that went on. The story goes now, however, that is to commence upcoming here shortly.
Don't think SIL has been able to even have the time to worry with that minutia at this point .. she's been too busy with what was a chitapalooza scene that was malingering for weeks .. concurrent with the dog also having some episode of bleeding from the rectum .. and ... then her husband having gone Manic .. and then her and her own health issues .. and then MIL with the babbling as she tried to talk, and the hospitalization that is current.
But now SIL will have a dilemma on her hands for sure. That work set to commence .. finally .. and her mom pressing to return home now and the work to find an AL (an AL that she has no intention of entering). SIL .. her situation at her home .. with her husband .. she won't feel confident to leave her husband there with the workers and be it as it may, for whatever the reasons .. she will feel as though she needs to be there on site.
So what will she do? Stay there to see that project thru, or get her mom on a plane and then stay on this end, to work in earnest to figure the path forward to an AL.
In some senses I do feel sorry for her. But I also think that in some senses, .. maybe some playing hardball is more in order here .. (that one surely hasn't been tried at all).
And on the prospect of AL here, AL there ... I can almost see why she'd want to be in an AL here as opposed to there .. cultural .. yes. But also .. ya know .. we all just march thru our days with the expectation we will all outlive MIL .. what if that wasn't to be. What if, God Forbid, something took SIL out of this life ..
She'd be in IL for what? Her daughter no longer a part of her life, dead and gone and then what? There for what?
So .. here .. she has her son .. she has her g'daughters .. and to a lesser extent .. me.
But having said that, I truly don't believe she has any real intention to enter an AL any damn where. This is a ploy to get her back to her precious home and her precious things and her precious memories where she will dig in her heels and refuse AL. And the chit show will begin anew.
Someone - preferably SIL, starts the Medicaid application process. Someone - perhaps Dorker, in the effort to move things along and self protect from any possibility of having her - or any member of her immediate family - return to stepping and fetching- even if it’s just one day a week... starts a list of AL facilities in Florida that accepts Medicaid - and unicorns and dogs.
Then the “Stay Put” Provision is applied to MIL, there in Illinois. Until Medicaid has been approved and an appropriate AL facility has an open bed.
The Stay Put Provision is a real thing in the world of special education and could easily be intrupted to apply to MIL. As a past school counselor SIL should be familiar with it.
The Stay Put Provision - In situations when the members of a special ed students team can’t agree on a plan. The child remains in their current educational placement throughout a review.
So - MIL continues on under SILs diligent care there in Illinois- and out of Dorkers immediate environment. MIL gets stronger - or not - but in the mean time the slow gears of government bureaucracy churn - getting Medicaid approval at some future point. In the mean time - names on waiting lists move up and off - eventually arriving at MILs.
So MIL is ready to go back to Florida and straight into the AL facility. No stops at her house and bypassing the possibility of her digging in and refusing to leave. Or not.
Most likely not.
Now, I’m off to feed my unicorn...
THIS! THIS! THIS!
Lemme just tell you from my own experience, even the most cognitively impaired old lady is plenty able to dedicate some brain cells to scheming. MIL is thinking "SAY whatever it takes to get back to my house, then DO whatever it takes to STAY in my house!"
I promise you she has absolutely zero intention of cooperating and will throw a fit like you cannot imagine if all of you get on the same page about putting her into assisted living. The best way to get her to cooperate is to keep her at SIL, where she is very unhappy and let her know the only way she gets to leave there is to move to AL.
DH, SIL and you have some power right now. Use it wisely.
If she can stand up at all and get herself up and down out of a wheelchair to and from the bed and shuffle in a wheelchair or walker, she can go to AL. If she requires help standing, then she won't be eligible for AL.
Most places will not allow her dog to stay there and heck, she surely cannot get up and down to let him in and out and walk him. Promise her the moon. (Whether or not you intend to deliver it is another story). Tell her you will keep the dog and bring him to visit. I would say and do that if it would make her GO. Say whatever it takes to get her to go to AL or NH.
I think probably the first step, since I know so little about all this .. is to maybe get the contact name for who it is that SIL has worked with on this end, as to services for seniors and maybe get direction from that person (?) as to how to go about applying for Medicaid ..or put MIL in contact with that entity maybe (?). I don't really know.
I know that SIL .. being the one in charge .. has the contact info for that kinda thing, not myself.
Did talk briefly with MIL in her hospital room this morning (she is being released today). I guess the verdict there is TIA .. caused possibly by skipping the Eliquis, or so it's thought. No other findings, that I know of anyway.
Talked briefly with SIL .. who sounds .. really, quite frankly, .. worn out and out-of-it .. her usual spin at 100 mph and not even listening to what the other party says .. has slowed to a crawl. I didn't ask her for any info at that point, she likely wouldn't of had it on her.
I will, do some leg work on this end, .. as to some research .. I don't mind doing that much. Have some info available.
And as to Rainmom and the assertion that I could somehow go about the steps of lining it all up and she steps off the plane .. and into the AL. Take off the rose colored glasses. Reality will dictate "No, I want to be able to go and visit some of these places myself and make my own decisions". (Stall tactic .. ??.....perhaps).
There's not a chance in hades that I could get that accomplished.
And yes I mentioned to MIL that she needs to consider, if she is serious about an AL site that she will likely have to pay for someone to come and deal with her dog, which will be costly, as she's not able to do what it takes to care for her dog.
Her response (color me shocked, but .. ya know, talk is cheap), ."Yea I realize that I may even have to give up my dog .. and that breaks my heart .. but you know, the reality is, this up here isn't working .. it just .. I'm watching my daughter's health deteriorate and watching her husband, who I tell ya .. is just as useless as he can be .. and her trying to care for him .. and me one more burden on her, this is just not going to work on this end, so this is just the next step in my journey .. nothing I wanted to have to do ... but we all have to do what we have to do, all of us".
**get rid of her dog?**,
...when pigs fly
As we know .. she wants to be in FL for whatever AL setting (so it's said .. but like others here, I think it's a tactic to get back to her home, where she won't budge).
Her dog in IL in the care of her daughter, her in FL ... now getting an ESA label for SIL .. to travel with poochie so she can bring poochie along to FL to visit MIL.
Oh and Xena, she can get up .. and down. "Up" is a monumental struggle of enormous portion. "Down" is more of a *fall into* whatever seat she's aiming for, she kinda just falls into it.
Seems so so senseless to me.
Yes, promise the sun and moon .. I get it. But .. my promises, threats .. cohersion .. begging .. pleading . none of it, in any of this has made a whit of a difference.
I say that, but I do have to believe, had I not drawn some boundaries and stuck to them, I'd be hopping to like nobody's biz at this point ... dancing a jig like never seen, to the beat of all the need, and loosing my mind. It's because .. I finally drew a line in the sand and stuck to it .. that SIL had to follow through and take the initiative to get this done .. and get her to IL. All for naught, it seems.
I agree, she may be using this as a means to get back to her house and dig in her heels. That can't be an option, or like you said, you'll be back to square one.
Here is the link to the Florida Department of Children and Families where you can find the Medicaid application and requirements online:
http://www.myflfamilies.com/service-programs/access-florida-food-medical-assistance-cash/medicaid
I never said for you to pick up MIL at the airport upon her return and you then transport her to the AL.
I said for you to do the investigation work for putting together a list of appropriate AL facilities that meet as many of the necessary criteria as possible. Medicaid and possible dog.
I said it as it will expedite things - as SIL works on the Medicaid acceptance angle. Unless you think dh will put this list together? Hahhahaha- some times I crack myself up. Clearly - that was a snide joke.
Sil and dh can have the fun job of actually taking MIL to her new home. But I sure as hell hope they don’t fall for the “I want to look at them and have a say” bullchit. I think it was here I told the story of my brother falling for that - and he carted my moms behind around for two
months - with her finding fault in every single place he showed her. At the most - they need to give her choice A and choice B. Period.
But this is all merely conjecture. MIL is only going as far as her house... if THEY - not you - they are foolish enough to stop by there first.
If if she does truly want that scenario, DH could sell her house, get everything set up at AL and THEN AND ONLY THEN does she come back. To move directly back into the AL.
Probably a when pigs fly scenario, but I can’t imagine that happening any other way.
By the grace of God, my sister and I were able to transition our mom to AL, but I had this little fear in the back of my head that she'd one day announce that she was leaving. They couldn't make her stay and I couldn't care for her.
My mother's AL is in charge of her meds, but it costs extra. They also have people that need lots of help physically and are in a wheelchair most of the time. But again, it costs extra.
It is very helpful to start out visiting ONE place. It gives you a better idea of what questions to ask, and what is even possible. So maybe you can convince DH to go with you to ONE, and see what you can see. In my case I went by myself to visit one for my MIL (who was on medicaid), and they layed out all the finances in black and white for me. This was in Michigan , where they have Medicaid vouchers for AL.
I miss a couple days of reading and stuff really happened!
Yeah for MIL "saying" she'll consider moving to an AL, but I wouldn't believe her for a second. She's a grade-A manipulator.
Sadly, her house likely cannot be sold since neither SIL nor DH have authority to do it. MIL will NEVER give them the power to sell it. So of course, she thinks she gets to come back home to "see things one last time" and she'll plop down on a chair and you'll NEVER get her butt back in a car and moved to an AL.
Best to do the legwork before she can get back to FL. DO NOT let SIL bring her home until a placement is found. Period. Yes, Dorker, you will probably have to step in a little b/c DH is so reluctant to DO anything. I have no idea how long it will take to qualify her for a spot, but get on it pronto. Then when you have a place, you bring what you can from her home to the AL. I imagine it will be pretty bare bones. THEN and only then, move her into the AL with NO STOPS at the "old house". Possibly to qualify her for Medicare, she'll HAVE to sell her home, I don't know. It'd be best if it weren't even a possibility to go "back" there at all.
Oh, she'll be mad. You'll never hear the end of it, but you know that. It's really sad she never planned for old age, it's sadder still that she's making life just hellish for so many people. Nobody deserves to be treated the way she treats people--it's cruel and hurtful, and I don't care how old and tired she is, she can still be decent.
She is absolutely much, much worse off than she was even 4 months ago. Having these TIA's will eventually get to her and she will NOT recover from them. She's dying, really slowly, but she is. There's no magic pill nor amazing doctor who can halt the inevitable. She can, however, go with some grace and dignity, if she so chooses. That's not her, I know, but I sometimes wish I could sit down with this woman and give her a "come to Jesus" moment like she's never gotten before.
Everyone in her life lives in fear of her, really. It's not love, or respect, it's fear. I have often wondered how she got her 2 kids to be so incredibly afraid of making her upset. Both SIL and DH walk on eggshells around her--even tho they talk tough. It's amazing to me.
Dorker--you are still in the midst of this--but I hope you can calmly do what you want/must do to help facilitate MIL's move to AL. However, if you choose to not be involved, that's fine too. You've shored up this aging dam all alone for far too long.
Good Luck with what surely will be an awful experience. I'm so sorry.
Just why is everything so miserable there - for everyone - when at Christmas the same players were running the same game plan with the only real difference being homecourt advantage?
At Christmas ”B” was there for at least eight weeks - start to departure- and didn’t go manic. SIL was running the wheel taking MIL to doctors. And other than the view outside the kitchen window being different- MIL dealing with the fall repercussions versus diarrhea- but the day to day life for MIL was the same as it is now.
So just why is it so very desperately intolerable for MIL now. And why are SIL and B falling apart at the seams?
Any ideas? Or is this a basically an “I don’t give a chit” topic? I’m just thinking that if an answer to this could be found - there might be a little breathing room for figuring out the truly best next step.
With SIL and BIL, I'd guess that around Christmas, they and everyone knew that them staying there was temporary, i.e. they could see "the light at the end of the tunnel." They knew after Christmas, they'd be safely back home and away from the work of caring for MIL on the daily. Now, however, they are doing this day in, day out, with no seeming end in sight, until something has to give.
This is how I felt when mom was living here with us. It was a total upheaval for our whole household, our day to day routine, our privacy, sleep, etc. until something did have to give. I just couldn't keep on any longer. I will say that the not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel is the worst. I think people can do most anything if they know it's temporary, but if a situation like this one looks to be permanent, it can get very depressing and even affect your health.
I just dont get the extreme differences in reactions by ALL the participants- not just MIL. I think MILs current assessment of her environment can be directly attributable to a Drama Queen trying to make a statement. A statement that will take her home.
But the others..?