I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
I may have forgotten, does MIL have a supplemental insurance that she pays for, be it a retiree thing, hers or her deceased husband? That might buy you some extra time in rehab passed the 20 day mark. Through 100 days as was just mentioned.
Yes, a consult with an elder law attorney would be money worth spending. MILs money can be spent for that. Both issues, non resident Medicaid and the reverse mortgage are things that need to be addressed.
Any updates today?
MIL doesn't have "systolic CHF" but has "diastolic CHF" .. thus the 60 as EF#.
So that little tidbit was informative. Yes, had me puzzled .. wait, that's her EF#?!?!?!?, how in the world is there any dx of CHF? Now I know.
Yes, she does have some kinda supplement to her Medicare .. I don't know, it's BCBS .. and so .. maybe that will entitle her to more in the way of Rehab stay.
Yes her husband was in the armed services. And thus far, the only thing we're aware of as to any bene's .. is that Aids and Attendants and some stipend associated thereof. Hasn't been tapped into as of yet. From what I hear it's a lengthy, cumbersome process, and one in which you'd have to be paying out of your own dollars, for instance, for HHC .. and that then is submitted to VA Aids and Attendants .. and so they see you are spending your own dollars, and then they will pay .. up to whatever it is that the person is entitled to, accdg to their program.
SIL does intend to get that going .. as a means by which to help pay for a Medicaid setting, and it does and it will help.
The only update from today is the above, as to the explanation on CHF. I'm curious what was found in the Cog assessment done .. thus far, .. I've asked SIL a couple of times, and she's forgotten to ask the powers that be there on site.
She reports that MIL is down in the dumps today .. trying to come to terms with how rapidly her life has changed course and what the future holds and what it will look like. SIL's words: "I understand, it's a lot to digest .. she has to be able to vent and talk about it, sometimes she gets teary talking about it".
I want so badly to say, "Gee, wish I could feel that empathy .. I know it's tough .. but ya know, I've been here, on this page for quite some time .. so that book has been read and is sitting in the corner collecting dust .. at least for me".
But I don't. I just say things like, "all you can do is assure her, that she will be safe no matter where she goes, that she has family that cares about her and will make sure of it ... and that it's just not safe that she live alone any longer".
Was interesting last night (she seems to call in the evenings as opposed to texting during the day) and so she is generally put on speaker and DH and myself can interact with her. DH chiming in,.. as SIL laments how much her mom is sad .. and just trying to digest all that's happening in her world, .. and DH chiming in with: "Do you think she could get well enough to return to your house". *** I could've knocked him in the head ***
Her response: "I just don't think I can do it .. I just don't have the strength .. she needs more care than I'm able to give her on my own".
DH: "Well if you lived here in town .. I mean .. would it be doable .. that maybe you help and we do too".
SIL: "I don't know .. I mean .. I can't move there, our lives are here .. both of us .. and B and all his medical team .. they're all here, I don't want to have to start all over to try to get in place, what all he needs .. in another locale".
So apparent that for DH .. his demeanor and mindset over all this (we all know MIL very well, I'm sure there are others who were dragged off to AL or whatever setting and in the midst of tears and drama .. but this will be like none other with her, .. I'm sure it will be poured on thick as syrup and then some .. when it's all said and done .. we know her well). DH .. as he talks about it, all he can say .. is how much he hates this for her, that he knows she never wanted her life to take this turn .. that he feels so so so bad for her ... that she just would rather die .. has been ready to die .. and now this ...
On and on it goes.
I guess because I've been on this page, in fact, read the whole book .. more than once .. and it sits collecting dust now ... I'm over it. I know it's hard ..
I know it's got to be terribly difficult .. for almost anyone put in this position as their eventuality. I get that.
But I just want to scream ... what the sam he77 did you folks think the eventuality would look like, every dadgum one of ya ...................... what did you think . .that some how some fountain of youth was gonna hop up to her door and grab her and dunk her in it, . and she'd live forever .. and young and vital and healthy? What did you people think was gonna happen? What the he77 beat were you listening to as I sounded this alarm for almost 2 years now .. what channel were you on?
I'm having a hard time keeping my tongue over that piece of all this.
How can you all, all 3 of you, be so waller'd in the pitty of all this .. didn't you see this coming? You damn sure had someone sounding the alarm bells, routinely .. didn't you listen? What do you think, as normal .. someone who can no longer do anything for themselves but putter around the house .. not usually getting dressed for the day, doesn't take her meds .. which has been ongoing for quite some time . not just since April .. no .. far before that time .. can't take care of her pet .. can't get out and go anywhere .. at all, for any kind of "quality" to her existence .. sits at her kitchen window day in and day out .. pondering .. the order of the universe .. what did you people think?!??!?!??!?!?
As you can see, that one piece of all this, I'm having a hard time stomaching.
I mean .. think about it .. this all began to be glaringly obvious . at least to me . back about the time my daughter's pregnancy was ramping up and problems thereof, pulling me away from the MIL scene . and I could see from there forward .. we're gonna have problems here .. her needs .. they require so much of my energy and attention and time .. I'm not gonna be able to focus on my g'kids and helping my daughter ..
I sounded the alarm back about that time which would've been like April/May/June of 2017, .. it had ramped at that point, at least in my world . to the point something had to be said.
Here we are 1 1/2 years later .. and all wanna lay in the floor and writhe in sorrow at the whole scene that is MIL now needing a more secure setting for her needs.
What the HE77 have you folks been seeing ...??...it sure ain't what I've seen.
I'm trying to remember ... this is a woman they have known as a young woman . vibrant .. and full of life. I didn't know her until she was maybe late 40's/early 50's I guess, full of life at that point even, but not the youthful her. I wasn't around in those days. I'm trying to remember, before I blow my stack, it must be hard for them too, hard for MIL . but also for them, to see the once vibrant mom .. they knew in bygone years .. diminished to this point. So I try to always remember that .. as I struggle not to just tell all 3 of the .. you all .. every one of you have rocks for brains .. this was coming at all of you like a 20 ton freight train .. and I tried to tell you all, since you were all too obtuse to see it .. but you STILL DIDN'T WANNA SEE IT. So .. waller in the pitty of it all, but keep it to yourselves .. I'm not on that page.
Cruel, heartless, .. is about what that looks like. So I shut my mouth and just say the right things in attempts to "support" this life changing event occurring in all their lives.
HE'S going to help? Hahaha!
How unfair to SIL that he'd like her to uproot her life and move here, and then the promises of help from him would never materialize.
Is he trying to resurrect the ghost of Team MIL in FL?
I do see one sticky widget in all of the AL/SNF planning, though. IF she had to be in a FL facility because of state residency issues for Medicaid, you might end up being forced to take Poochy, because that would be the only way MIL would do it.
So would you? Just something to think about.
Maybe Poochy needs to be put on doggy hospice care. Whatever did happen with that bleeding rectum?
We already have a dog here that I didn't ask for .. when YD moved home . .with a dog in tow. Truthfully, her dog is her responsibility .. lives here .. yes .. but .. she takes care of her, not me. Oh I fill the dog's bowl if it's empty .. I pat her and acknowledge her presence .. but .. outside of that, it's up to YD to deal with the dog that lives here.
No, I'm out of the pet biz. When YD moves out, her dog goes with her. And no .. I don't, not at this stage of my life, care to take on an aging fussy, needy, dog.
No.
SIL, on the other hand, as she put it: "We will take her dog on .. he seems to really give B a purpose . and B enjoys taking him out for walks a few times a day and it's his responsibility to feed the dog and such .. so it really is kinda good for him . we'll take her dog on .. we don't have a dog ... you do .. you inherited YD's .. so .. it makes more sense for us to keep him".
Yes, I agree!
And yes, a resounding, was ready to knock DH in the head. Yes, was he wanting to resurrect the non existent Team MIL?
These people .. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I understand being frustrated that DH even mentioned moving back to FL. Sounds like he is in "fix it" mode. He wants to "fix" his mom's unhappiness. I would continue to emphasize her greater need for care, and to be in a place (rehab for now) where the doctors and nurses can keep an eye on her. Remind them of the dangers - falling, being alone during TIA or stroke, not being able to get up and down, etc. "Even the doctors agree she can't live by herself anymore. It'll just take some time for her to accept and adjust."
Rehab will buy some time for SIL to get her VA, Medicaid, financial info straightened out. I hear the VA benefits are great once they are in place. Haven't had first hand experience, but have heard lots of positive things from others who have.
Had it been my dh I would have stabbed him to death with a dull butter knife!
We? WE?!?
When was he ever a consistent, truly meaningful contributor to “We”?
Aarrrrgh!!! Makes me want to slap my own hubby upside the end for merely sharing the same gender and marital status.
Perhaps dh thinks “we too” sounds like a really hunkydoory idea BECAUSE HE HAS NEVER GOTTEN HIS HANDS DIRTY WITH ANY OF THIS!!! For eff sakes!!! Effen CLUELESS and USELESS!!!
Its officially now! Dorker, you truly are a saint.
Same damn thing
Look no further than when MIL was hospitalized June of last year ... him on that front ...I arrive there after the fact .. med history and medications rx'd info being discussed there in the ER.
DH with a deer caught in the headlights look as they begin asking these questions to a befuddled, frazzled MIL.....me at the ready with answers as to medical history and rx'd meds.
Of course he has all the answers.
He's oblivious to what's involved.
Rainmom, your comments made me laugh out loud!
Sounds like the dog and SIL's hubby are good for each other. That is so sweet.
As for DH's "we", it's pretty nervy to expect SIL to upend their lives when he wouldn't even skip a hunting trip.
Our mantra to family has been "Mother's needs exceed our ability to personally care for those needs."
Dorker, an eldercare attorney should be able to navigate all of this including the mountain of paperwork for the aid and attendant veteran benefit.
I guess the Neuro doc reported in yesterday on some findings on the EEG and some inflammation seen there, possible result of the TIA .. will heal itself.
This and DH having visited his mom's home yesterday afternoon, just to go check on things there, as we routinely do in her absence here. There, he tells it, he broke down in tears. Sitting in her lonely house, a house that is so so very much "HER" .. and all about her. And all the memories there of all the years (no he didn't grow up there, the home was purchased once he was grown), but the memories there, of all the family gatherings .. and .. the fact she has to now vacate it. Some residual anger on his part, .. with an approach somewhere along the lines of "do we have to all panic, can't we just say that .. she's gonna have these episodes where she gets confused . she returns to normal in the end anyway ... she was hospitalized because she was babbling and not making sense, but that resumed normal .. she was hospitalized because she was confused and disoriented .. but that too, for the most part, .. has resumed normal .. can't we just not all panic .. and just know .. do we have to haul her off to the ER all the time, and ...".
My response: "and what?, who is going to care for her, who wants to take the responsibility that this time when she's confused or garbling her words, .. that it'll just be transient .. and leave her be .. I don't, do you?".
Him, shaking his head .. "I just hate it so for her .. I know she wanted to die in that home... that's where my dad died .. right there in the bedroom, .. I just hate it".
Him talking about how lonely and quiet that home is .. if not for her dog, he's sure she'd of gone stark raving crazy from just the loneliness and quiet. That he feels sorrow for how long she has been there, all by herself, .. sans any visit from family .. in that quiet lonely home.
I didn't say it, but wanted to (I think there's a lesson in all this for me, and a hard one .. learning to not say *TRIED TO TELL YA* ............... boy and I having to learn it!) .. I wanted to say to him, .. "how many times did I ask you to go spend the weekend with her, .. just go out there, .. stay for no reason .. other than to spend time with her and provide company? How many times did I ask you to go out there, early in the morning before the start of your workday and have a cup of coffee with her, just visit.
Of course, I didn't say it. Bit my tongue. My tongue has several holes in it, so many "I TOLD YA SO'S in all this".
This has gotta be so hard .. I guess .. I haven't lived it, my parents aren't at this stage .. but the slow agonizing decline and wasting away of your parent. With his dad .. he had a botched colonoscopy, was already pretty compromised and shouldn't of even put himself in that position .. but botched colonoscopy that he was .. pretty obvious .. not going to recover from .. far too compromised to fight back from it. In all, about 30 days and he was gone.
This .. it's years and years ..of slow/painful/denial of decline.
So I shut my mouth and don't say "TOLD YA SO". Now, he goes out there to check on his mom's house .. and there, .. he sees the house that will be gone in the not too distant future, home to some other family or whatever .. and all those memories .. someone else's to make in the future. The home that is SO VERY HER .. going to belong to someone else ... not too long from now .. and his mom .. who he knows .. he knows .. he knows .. would rather die than face this juncture, at the precept she's at. He was just very sad. I did feel bad for him.
Don't beat yourself up. Ever.
I have never looked into reverse mortgages but have an idea they are not what they are made out to be.
There is one add on TV that advises selling a life insurance policy so they have money for medical bills and their retirement.
My DH thought selling a life insurance policy would be a good way to free up some extra spending money. I had a resounding NO for that. How would i manage to live on my social security without the life insurance. Luckily he never got around to finding out there was nothing I could actually do to stop him as i was just the beneficiary.
Definitely spend some time with a lawyer.
I guessed that DH might be the weak link, hence my question as to whether everyone was on the same page. Obviously, he's not.
He's a lot like MY DH. Ignores the situation staring him in the face and when the inevitable "crash" happens, he falls to pieces. His father had CLL, and lived 10 years beyond what he was told he could expect. He lingered, so compromised and so sick for the last year--and did DH even ONCE try to wrap his brain around the fact his dad was going to die? Even in the hospital, as his father WAS actively dying, he and his sister sat by the head of the bed and chatted about completely inconsequential stuff. MY BIL and I were sitting away from the bed...and I felt a "whooshing" sensation. Looked at my BIL and he nodded--he'd felt it too. I got up and went to dad's side and felt his chest and said to DH and SIL "dad is gone". They kind of freaked out. So busy discussing some minutiae of his care for when he was "released" and they didn't even feel his passing.
DH was distraught. I really could not believe he had NEVER entertained the thought that his dad was terminally ill. Denial was so strong. To this day he says "If only he hadn't had leukemia, he'd still be here!" Here we are 14+ years later and he's still beating himself up for not being more involved in his life.
I'm glad that DH is having these "aha" moments. He's going to need them in order to process what is now going on, which is: his mother is actively dying. Slowly, yes, but she's not got very long. Uprooting SIL's family to acquiesce to his mother's once again sad tears and trauma isn't going to help. The best course is the one you're on. Getting her situated where she is. Getting her the care she needs where she is. SO much better in IL than FL. DH would have you jump back in, both feet if he could.
It IS sad to realize that someone's life ends so sadly, and so lonely. BUT, he needs to remember that she, in many ways, chose that life. Chose that closed off, insular existence by pushing people away. Sad. Not many people will mourn her. She hurt a lot of people, and she wasn't always kind. Getting old doesn't change that.
And I don't think it would hurt one little bit for you to say (in kinder terms) to DH "I told you so. I saw this coming a mile away. You chose to ignore my pleas for help and went hunting, churching and working when your mother could have used you and your support. This will be your "thing" to work through. She's not coming home." Said lovingly, but firmly---his guilt is his alone. Don't share it with him.
He could fly to IL and see his mom. If he feels that bad, he actually should go see her. Talk is cheap, Actions are real.
I'm glad SIL is doing this. MIL will fight her tooth and nail, but you supporting her by keeping on telling her she's doing the right thing and being "there" for her. Nobody but you really knows the day-to-day with MIL better than you. SIL did it for 6 weeks and crashed and burned. You stayed the course for years!
And--one more thing--don't even think about the EF thing. My DH had 2 heart attacks, His EF was 45% after the 2nd one. He'll have a echo in a few weeks and I expect that it's much improved. A diastolic EF of 60 is actually pretty good. They didn't even MEASURE his diastolic, as it's not as important as the systolic. (What I was told, take that with a grain of salt)
MIL will have daily trials and health issues. That is now your "new norm". I, for one, am glad she is with SIL who lives and breathes for this kind of thing. As long as she isn't LIVING at the rehab center--caring for herself and her sweet hubby, she won't burn out.
I feel like this story is ramping down. The rehab will work with MIL as much as she will allow. She will continue to fuss and be a difficult patient. Just close your ears to it all. BB was right: Her choice to not make accept help way back when has landed her right where she is.
While it’s fruitless to spend a whole lot of time on the “if only” and “what if’s” looking back can provide lessons to be learned for future similar circumstances.
For instance - Dorker, you have learned enough from this odyssey with MIL to fill a book. Which no doubt will benefit yourself and your own parents as they head towards their own final decline.
Dh, on the other hand - appears to have only the take away of guilt and regret.
If dh were to have an Ebenezer Scrooge event - and a magic wand was waved, returning everyone back in time to nearly two years ago - having had seen The Future, do you think dh would change his ways and become a present and active participant in these final years of his mothers life?
Based in everything you have told us about dh and his behavior in the last two years, it doesn’t seem likely.
I fear that should MIL get her way - and to a certain extent dh - her returning to her home in Florida along with her old and ailing dog - along with SIL to sit the side by side vigil at the kitchen window, scanning the horizon for the fluffy white cloud - that dh would perhaps be attentive for a short while and then let “we” take over as he returns to work and church and hunting.
For it seems that dh’s idea of We is you, Dorker. And perhaps dd after he’s gone to see her, apply some pressure and a sad song - and twist her arm - so ever gently- until she says “of course I’ll help”. As unreliable and unrealistic we know that is, with her toting around three small children.
However - none of this really matters as there is no magic wand - as SIL is now sadly accepting - and dh is out of opportunities to change his ways - and out of parents. Now the guilt and regret is his to wear - and his alone.
As Dorker often says - it didn’t have to go down like this. One can’t help but consider how things might have been different had anyone listened to Dorker two years ago - instead of going hunting, instead of buying exercise bikes...
Does she understand she won't be coming home (to SIL's) again, much less her home in FL?
Didn't stay at Rehab.
All I know ... accdg to SIL "This place is so bad, do depressing. Everybody here is near death's door and so much worse off".
Next text several hours later "we're not staying here ... I'm going to take her home ... and just get HHC and PT lined up".
After some time another text that they wish they hadn't fought for inpatient to have to then endure 3 more days in the hospital all for this. They could've left on Tuesday.
I only responded "hope it works out"
That's that.
She was unhappy at Dorker's, because no one danced attendence upon her there.
She was unhappy at SIL's because SIL had to attend to her ill husband.
Fortunately, SIL has now actually experienced how much need her mom has and is unwilling (YAY) to upset her life to be MIL's slave.
MIL wished to die before she was impaired and made no plans for becoming infirm. If wishes were horses, as the saying goes......
And DH? His sudden regret doesn't seem to include not listening to you, Dorker, nor spending more time (past or future) with his mom, does it? Just saying "it'll all be fine if YOU all give up your lives and tend mom".
What are HIS plans for old age?
No planning. No asking questions. No "how can we make this better?"
Did SIL even go and look at the rehab on offer before the transfer? Did she check out more than one place?
What a lost opportunity. Was this MIL driving the bus, or SIL?
Well, clearly SIL has not reached the bottom yet. The next week or two should do it for her. Sadly, DH is clearly caving and I suspect the 2 of them will conspire and put MIL back in her house in FL with "the team."
Dorker, I think you need to take an unscheduled vacation where you are unreachable and don't even hear about the next episode in the MIL and SIL downhill saga. Because it is going to happen and it could be bad. Or at the very least, stick your fingers in your ears and sing, "LALALAL I can't hear you".
Preface everything I say against the fast, I'm not there, on the scene .. so have to defer to the top spinner in chief .. as to what decisions she makes.
I think it was a stupid stupid, incredibly ignorant decision on her part. Just so incredibly stupid a decision that I almost can't believe it.
The next time, whenever that is, that hard fought for, .. "inpatient" label may not be available (seems it never is) .. and her forced at that point to either beg/plead/scream cry .. whatever it takes .. and usually even that doesn't work, .. thus she will either play hard ball (do you see her ever doing so?, I don't) .. and refuse to take her home .. or she takes her home (the most likely choice).
SIL has spent the last few days lamenting the fact her mom has had to stay in the hospital an add'l 3 days to get that all important "inpatient" criteria met .. all while you've had screamers and yellers in the midst there .. disturbing the Queen Mum's peace and tranquility.
Hard fought for, label of "inpatient" down the damn drain. Disgusted. Just useless and a colossal waste of time. "what's best for your mom, that should be the bottom line .. and WTH difference does it make what condition other patients are in, at that setting .. she isn't there to evaluate and/or make them better or worse .. that's not the point, the point is that SHE work to get better and/or .. take the other route". WHAT THE HE77 EVER!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so utterly disgusted and angry.
What does DH say?
His words: "Good! .. I hate the thought of her having to be in that kinda setting, would you leave YOUR MOM in a place like that? Good! I don't want her to leave this earth unhappy and miserable, I don't .......... (yea, DH .. you don't know when that day comes .. today. tomorrow or 10 years from now, and WHO IN THE NAME OF DUCKS AND PIGS is gonna take care of her, til that day comes).
His words: "Good, now maybe .. if everybody will just hold the damn phone when she gets confused and garbles her words or whatever .. just hold the phone .. don't everyone go rushing off to the ER with her".
My response: "I think your sister made a colossal mistake in doing this . your mom needs to be in AL .. period .. end of discussion .. she was on the path to the route to achieve that unbelievably hard task .. but she just undid it .. and now will find it near impossible to get that achieved, if at all".
Here's a further text from SIL: "We are just stuck in a nightmare here .. it's just every which way we turn .. I spent last night when I got home from the hospital .. doing laundry and getting her things packed for Rehab to take with me, .. and the damn washing machine broke. Had to have B deal with the repair folks today since I had to be at the hospital, $140 later .. washer is fixed .. but I hauled all that chit I packed up to the hospital .. and then with us, .. over to the Rehab .. only to then .. haul it back out to my car, when I took her home. I should've visited first instead of camping out with her .. trying to support her as she struggled to cope with the hospital environment. Never ever been thru such an ordeal! Her either. This has been far worse than when she was hospitalized last Christmas for that fall. Plus .. she already hates the cold weather up here, just wants me to get her back to FL. But how on earth can that even work.
My answer to that, .. as I choke out the words thru my fingers in return text: "It's not going to".
Put the phone down and walked away .. and it's all I can do to not light her up like a xmas tree .
She then responds back .. but I haven't answered it, at all: "I know, .. at this point it's all been so terrible here and al she says is she wants me to get back hoe. Will see how her frame of mind is in the coming days. Home Health Care starts Tuesday. But I'm at a loss .. and don't know what to do.
"I just don't know what to do. Just gonna try to get thru the weekend without anything bad happening".
I didn't answer.
I'm not there, .. on the scene to assess for myself .. what the situation was .. thus .. I'm not throwing barbs.
Did it not occur to her, ..as she deems it, "this place is so bad .. everyone here is so much worse off ... it's so depressing" .. did it not occur to her, .. that the docs know what her "needs" are ............. and directed this to a site that can "meet" those needs .. maybe yes . others there, near death's door .. but her mom aint far from that either .. but she sees the whole thing thru the rose colored glasses that one more visit to SIL's to breathe new life into her .. one more gadget .. one more this/that .. and it's all gonna be just peachy.
But .. I wanted to say to her: "You had the hard fought battle, at least begun .. now you've undone it .. good luck to ya .. sorry she hates the weather there .. but ya know as I've said about 100 damn times, .. weather has absolutely zero impact on her .. she's house damn bound .. but what the hell ever, .. you know best .. apparently".
She just wants to go home to FL. Okay and when the money bags start flying out of the sky and landing in her yard, .. to pay for all it will take to support it all, .. then let me know.
I'm just beyond aggravated and angry at this point. Yes, as someone here termed it, letting her emotions over rule any good sense in all this. Abso-damn-lutely!
And yes she should've .. instead of camping out to *help her mom and support her with this terrible hospital environment* gotten out of there and gone to visit a couple of rehab sites to get an eye on it, before taking the route she did. Just unreal!