I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Thing one; There may be a VERY SHORT window of opportunity for SIL to get MIL BACK into rehab at a different facility. She needs to call the discharge planning office at the hospital to check in about that. "first facility was totally unacceptable and we need a different placement". PUSH her to do that.
Thing two: Just hugs.
Bring her right back into her home . where she has lamented to me, several times throughout this, "I can't do this .. it's too much .. she needs too much care" .. and now she undoes it.
And .. I guess, the one more gadget, whirligig .. whatever applies here in the form of HHC and PT .. that will be ordered for SIL's home . to visit there .. until MIL finally convinces her .. she's miserable there and wants to go home to her house, in FL and team MIL to be hopping about to service it all.
I am so utterly .. oh I can't tell you how mad I am!
Well, sorry to say, nobody will be surprised to see/hear this.
SIL needs to hit rock bottom burnout...and she's not there yet. But she will be.
OF COURSE the NH was nasty...many of them ARE. Esp when you have no funds or insurance to pay. Refer back to my mother's choice to stay in a sub par facility b/c they told her she'd have this lovely private room and her meals brought to her and oh! the pampering. I warned her repeatedly that the place was a dump and she still went.
Doesn't SIL KNOW that the financial difference between a stellar NH and a cruddy one is often simply a few bucks?? My mom moved to a MUCH nicer facility--$20 a day more. Mom couldn't afford, but my sis took the reins and paid it.
SIL should have done a lot more pre-planning--instead of hanging out with MIL at the hospital and poor-pitiful-you-ing, she should have been madly investigating NHs!!!!! Why the heck didn't she??? Now the opportunity has passed.
Almost a guarantee that MIL will continue to have those "episodes" and will be heading through the ER again. Perhaps then SIL will suck it up and start looking for a better fit for MIL. I just think of the mess of people coming and going all day and the impact that will have on BIL. He will be stressed out--does anyone stand up for this poor man??
HHC and PT, well, it's something, but in the past has been an epic fail. My sad guess is that is will be another epic fail.
Dorker-you hang tough. DO NOT let your DH even entertain the THOUGHT Of bringing his mother back to FL. There is NO TEAM, Period. He is dense, but not that dense, I hope.
And he should be on a plane right freaking NOW going to help his sister get this home health thing set up and see his mother. I'm losing patience with him....he's so sad for his mother, but he does nothing for her.
I will NEVER and I mean NEVER understand the sick and twisted dynamic this family has with dancing attendance to MIL's every whim and desire. I would fully be in the MIA brother's camp. He's the only one with a healthy attitude. Who would want to stay anywhere NEAR this hot mess?
I can't even imagine SIL trying to get MIL back to FL as she desires. She's MUCH more compromised now.
So sorry to hear this....but not one bit surprised.
Be obdurate.
Say, to DH; I'm so sorry that your sister didn't see that her job was to investigate and plan the path to rehab, that she thought that what she needed to do was cosset MIL. This is what comes from not planning.
Perhaps, DH, now is the time to fly up there and help your sister. And engage disengaged brother.
Say to SIL: What, are you crazy? What level of PT is she going to get at home? Get on the horn to the hospital and demand placement at a different rehab. She NEEDS full time rehab, not at home PT where she can refuse treatment.
to SIL's daughter: Do you want your parent to die doing this? Take the reins here and get narcissistic gma into care before she takes down BOTH of your parents.
to MIL's sister: Please call your idiot sister and tell her what a selfish whatever she's being. Does EVERYONE have to give up their life so that she can wither away? She needs professional care../
All so damned preventable, but by GOD let's let emotions over-rule all of this.
You have GOT to make SIL see your POV, I seriously don't think she ever has.
Write it down: Not a text, nor phone call. An email or letter.
Dear SIL:
I appreciate your care of MIL. You now know what I have been talking about and dealing with for 15 years, with "spot checks" from you a couple times a year. You see how much she has deteriorated in the past year.
MIL Is FAR TOO COMPROMISED to ever live alone. I will not live with her, neither will DH. Neither will any of my daughters. We have all given enough. It's time to look at the cold facts. She CANNOT live alone and she cannot live with DH and me. She is too feeble to live alone. She needs 24/7 care and I simply cannot and will not do it. Don't ask, Don't try to guilt me. I am DONE, and I will not involve my daughters (who all have busy lives of their own) into guiltily "helping".
I have done FAR MORE than any DIL would do. I cannot, and I repeat CANNOT support any decision that brings MIL back to FL, unless it's STRAIGHT into a SNF of some kind. I will not clean, run errands, chase after Poochy or clean up after chitstorms.
I cannot speak for DH. He has his own things to do and I don't know if he'd be on board with 24/7 care of his mother. Again, she CANNOT live with us. If he opts to bring her to our home, I will leave.
I greatly appreciate that what you want is the best for MIL, within reason. I just refuse to have any part of her care team going forth.
---------
I just think SIL is so obtuse and really never thinks about you and what you have already BEEN THROUGH with MIL.
I'd quit. Seriously. Just quit. Nobody can MAKE YOU step back into caring for MIL.
FWIW--I'd be livid, too. That SIL is an idiot.
MIL's refusal to make decisions does not create an emergency on your part.
"Your inability to plan does not create an emergency for me"
I'm not sure that I get the disconnect in this family about "core values". I've been married twice, and the only things that I think that I was certain that we each, as a couple agreed upon was this eldercare stuff.
How can you have a marriage and not have discussed this?
I do like the idea of sending a letter .. email. I may do that, and put the rough-draft here for editing before sending.
Not doing so tonight, I'm way too hot over this .. and I know that SIL and MIL both .. as she put it, are absolutely beyond going another step .. and so are resting .. and it's not likely she'd even be up for reading any email.
I think like some have said here, she just hasn't had it, .. as my mom says, "pour it on her, around her, .. and when you finish that, pour it in her" .. in other words .. she hasn't had enough .. she hasn't hit bottom.
What the he77 can she even be thinking .. her mom .. she's fully aware .. doesn't take her all important critical meds .. absent reminders to do so .. she has short term memory deficits .. she has had a cognitive eval .. and I've asked 2 x's .. the results, no answers .. she has mobility .. serious serious mobility issues .. she CANNOT take care of her dog .. when she was last here in FL (her mom) she was unable to administer the dog's pills he needed to be on, too arthritic . her hands.
I just don't understand .. how emotion so over-rules all of this .. even with DH .. and his can be excused .. out of pure ignorance in his refusal to step up to the plate and engage in all this mess .. thru the many many months . .. easy for him to sit back and say "can't we all just hold the phone when she starts with disorientation and confusion" .. go get educated DH .. on what that means . and why it's happening and what it may or may not be a precursor to .. oh that's right .. you're far too busy to go to any doc appts and get any knowledge base to go on with it all. That's right . I forgot .. yes, but dictate that we all "hold the phone" on these "episodes" and let her be .. don't go rushing to the ER with her.
WHAT THE HE77 EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just absolutely beyond livid and disgusted.
I would love to know what M thinks at this point, since she played bad cop to SIL's good cop . and urging this has to proceed with more care.
And now the only paramount concern seems to be that MIL just wants to go back to FL . that the whole visit there has been absolutely awful .. just one catastrophe after another .. she just wants to go back to FL .. doesn't like the weather here. WHAT THE SAM HE77 GUYS .................. she doesn't go outside even here .. ever ................................... SHE IS HOUSE DAMN BOUND!
Was it not 24-48 hrs ago SIL said that she just could not care for her Mom, it was just more than she could handle.
So, now SIL is mentioning how MIL wants to come back to FL? I guess that’s SILs solution to this mess. If that’s SILs solution I would not be able to stop myself from saying “if that is your solution you better put your home on the market, pack your bags and get down here to see this plan through”.
I would not think upon learning SIL has MIL back in her home unhappy would begin to explain how she feels.
I would like to think SIL would revisit that small window to get MIL readmitted to another facility but it appears something is missing in SIL, logic, reasoning, insight.
Dorker, I hope you enjoyed your bath and can shake off some of this frustration. Honestly, there’s nothing else you can do to advise, support, whatever, SIL. She blew it.
Damn right she blew it.
In further talk with DH on the whole thing, telling him in no uncertain terms, "I won't support ANY set up that sees her back here in FL, living alone .. even your sister said it herself, her care needs are too great and she can't do it .. if she can't do it, what gives anyone the reasoning to think there's anyone else that can? I certainly will NOT .. I have done far and beyond what any DIL would ever be expected to do and I'm not supporting this".
DH: (surprised look) .. "she's not talking of bringing her back here to live alone is she?, has she said that, no .. no .. she can't do that .. mother can't live alone .. if she thinks that mother is coming back to her house, then she better figure out how she's gonna come live here to support it, .. I'll help .. as I can (yea right) .. but that's the whole premise here .. she can't live alone .. she needs more help .. surely sister isn't thinking that's the next step in all this".
Me: "DH . your sister .. what you don't know .. is that your sister just undid the greased path to get to AL .................. a very hard to get to, greased path . and she just undid it ... and now .. unless you are wealthy and have the means to achieve it on your own, out of pocket .. you almost can't get a foot into an AL ....... outside of the greased path via rehab ...... she blew it ....... I cannot believe she did this".
DH: "Well Dorker, . .we aren't there . to see what they were seeing .. maybe it was that bad .. she just didn't have the heart to leave her in that setting".
ME: "DH .. she has said herself, countless times over the last couple of weeks, that she can't do this .. she isn't able .. she can't take care of her .. and what does she do?, . she pulls the rug right out from under the hard fought battle to even crack open a door to a rehab stint .. which could've possibly greased the path towards an AL site .......... she pulled the rug right out from under it .. ".
DH: "Well she can't come back here and live alone .. that's not gonna happen .. she gets the chits all the time .. and can't hydrate and eat properly around that, . .she falls all the damn time .. and she doesn't take her meds .. she can't live alone anymore, that's all there is to it .. if that kinda talk comes to the surface, you and I both will get on the phone with sister and let her know .. you can tell her what you told me, .. that you aren't supporting it .. that she needs more care, and that you are a DIL .. and have already done more than your share as that DIL .. and aren't doing it".
Me: DH don't you think I have told her all that before, it goes in one ear and out the other ......... your sister has some kinda keen ability at delusion .. that she deludes herself that Team MIL will be at the ready to haul her dog hither and yon and pick up dog supplies and haul her to docs and PT and dentists and there is NO TEAM MIL ..................... NEVER HAS BEEN .............Your sister has a keen ability to delude herself that her "neighbors" will help, that "MOW" will help . none of which actually transpires, ever. That's where she will go with this . that it's okay to bring her back home again .. that the Team MIL will be on this, ..
DH: "It's not happening .. if she starts that kinda talk, .. I'll be letting her know that's not happening".
Me: What is it you want to see happen?"
DH: She needs to be in a setting for more care
Me: "I thought you said you can't stand the thought of her going to meet her maker in that kinda setting where she'll be so unhappy".
DH: I do hate it .. it's not anything I want for her, but the fact is .. she needs more care .. if she brings her back here to live .. I'll be getting those phone calls, .. I guess I'll tell her to hang up mom .. and just go on and die .. that's what you want .. why are you calling me because you "don't feel right" .. just hang up the phone and let the Good Lord take ya".
Me: "And DH you badly need to educate yourself .. on what it means when a stroke patient is experiencing these kinds of symptoms .. where she is headed .. someone with short term memory deficits that we know exist .. and that precludes her from taking her meds as rx'd .. she's headed for a Hemorraghic stroke .. do you know what that is .. think laid in the bed, with bed sores and unable to move to toilet yourself and or feed yourself or any other thing .. maybe with your mind in tact enough to know the hell you're in .. that's where this all goes ..
But no .. let's don't do the work to get her in a more secured setting .. where that can be addressed .. no no . of course not .. that's not what she wants.
DH: "Well I'm not gonna let it concern me, I know that my sister isn't that irresponsible that she would think she can just drop her off here in FL in her home and walk away from it all, if she does think that .. we'll have ourselves a talk . it's not happening".
I think both you and DH should really push the idea of another, "better" rehab. Tell SIL sorry that the one they sent them to was crappy, but she should call the hospital back so MIL can be referred to another one. Maybe pull her worry chain a little. "What if she has another TIA or stroke? What if there's a medical emergency again with her heart? She needs to be monitored by nursing staff 24/7, at least for now, until they can see if she's getting better." These things are, after all, strong possibilities. It would be good to keep that path to long term care greased.
La clinique?
At the risk of offending some and sounding like a terrible snob - exactly what was SIL expecting from a Medicare/Medicaid facility that treats the sick and injured elderly?
Ya know - that’s the trouble with those GD hospitals and rehabs - they’re just full of the sick and
injured - for Christ’s sake!
Beyond that, I am utterly speechless. Which is quite a feat. In fact - a feat so difficult it is only exceeded by how difficult it’s gonna be to get any doctor at that Illinois hospital to go out on a limb for SIL and MIL ever again.
Yeah. Good luck with that.
Definition of obdurate
1
a
: stubbornly persistent in wrongdoing
an unrepentant, obduratesinner
b
: hardened in feelings
The obdurate enemy was merciless.
2
: resistant to persuasion or softening
influences.
The word of the day: Obdurate
When the time was up, it was obvious to me that NOTHING had been accomplished - and the silly rehab people wrote that she could be discharged again to my care, actually telling me they thought Mom had strengthened enough to return to her home. (5 minutes from me) with my daily help and it would be fine. I was EXTREMELY skeptical, but of course my mom latched right onto that. HHC was arranged - 3 hours each morning, and 3 hours each evening for bedtime. Even these, she balked at but conceded as it would get her home. (This was last July)
The very first day after my mom's release to home, the morning HHC person was a no show, so I stayed the day - and the evening person did not show either. I was already exhausted from the rehab release experience and lack of sleep etc, so I got mom safely cleaned and into her bed, with a porta-potty and guard rail and phone and everything I could possibly think of right there next to her bed, and went home to sleep. We practiced having her go to the porta-potty from the bed first - after all, she had been "rehabbed" just fine, according to the rehab folks and mom, and should be fine walking to the bathroom. (Yeah - Right!)
Next morning, I went there to help her and hopefully to greet the HHC lady who was supposed to be there. (didn't happen, of course) When I went in the front door, I was totally in shock to find sofa pillows and blood all over the LR floor! I mean, the carpet was blood-stained from end to end, down the hallway, into her bedroom! I was shaking and scared to death what I would find in there - thought sure I would find her dead on the floor. But there she was sleeping peacefully in her bed, and when I woke her up she acted like everything was just hunky-dory. I'm like ranting - what the he** happened, Mom????
"Oh - well I had a little accident last night. Nothing really. I'm fine."
Turns out, she fell off the porta-potty in the middle of the night, cut her legs up somehow (paper thin skin) and crawled all over the house because she couldn't get back up. By dragging herself all over the carpet, her skin got even more torn up and raw. The bloody sofa pillows were on the floor because she thought she might use them to climb up with, I guess. Apparently, she finally remembered the phone, reached it, and called 911. And apparently they came, and she assured them she was fine and they must absolutely NOT call her daughter! They adhered to her wishes, I guess, and bandaged her wounds and put her back in bed. And left.
Anyway - a rehab assessor/home evaluator just happened to arrive right at that time, to witness the whole scene - blood and pillows and all, me freaking out, and mom hobbling with her walker in her nighty unknowingly "dribbling" a chitpalooza trail along the bloody carpet as she walked to her chair.
Anyway - immediate AL that very day was arranged, thankfully, at a lovely place.
But the AL home was. SIL or her daughter needs to go now to the various AL homes, look them over, find out the availability, see if they are acceptable, ask about the financial arrangements immediately, and get that ball rolling NOW. No one else is going to do that (in my experience.) I was just lucky how it did work out. Stupid, but lucky. Hope SIL gets as lucky.
Oh - btw - I had myself laughing at the idea that Dorker can tell her DH that if he really wants MIL to come back home, she will gladly move all DH's stuff over to MIL's house and he can live there full time with MIL! Perfect solution. haha - He can even hire a day-sitter if he wants to come for a while when he is at work, although surely he can come "home" for lunch each day for her. He can get her all dressed and bathed before work, cook her dinner, clean her up for bed. It will be great! Surely that would be a wonderful solution, huh? Dorker - you wouldn't mind if he lived there for a while, huh? ;-)
I think you can have her readmitted up to 30days after a Hospital stay. There should be some really nice rehabs that accept Medicare. Doesn’t she also have a supplemental policy to help pay after the 20 days paid by 100% by Medicare? In Tennessee, Medicaid will not cover an assisted living. Not sure about IL or FL. My dad was put in one of those places and it was horrible but it helped relieve me so
I could find an AL he could afford.
DH wants mom to be happy as long as it doesn’t affect his life! I think he should move in with her and try taking care of her. He seems to think SIL should do it! It’s a horrible mess to get old and not have anything in place to take care of yourself. I wish you luck with that bunch!
My friend (I'll call her Terry), was found on the floor of her apartment, having lain there for three days after a heart attack; thank goodness her neighbors saw the newspapers piling up and wouldn't take "no" for an answer when she called 911. Terry went to rehab at a local NH; they did intense therapy for about two weeks and got her back to her apartment with 24/7 aides.
My mom was in rehab several times. After her stroke, she was in acute rehab for a week, with both medical and psychiatric docs around, monitoring her progress. Then discharged to subacute where it became clear that she had developed vascular dementia. Again, lots of care, both nursing and therapy.
Yes, these places are filled with "sick" people. Some more at need than my mom and friend (repeat customers with paralytic strokes) and some much younger people, recovering from accidents or joint replacements.
The thing is, while each of these patients was in the hospital, we researched and visited these places and selected the best place, both in terms of location (for us) and for care. In neither situation did we sit by mom/Terry's bedside and wring our hands and how terrible it was that they had to be in the hospital.
Sheeeez. SIL is ever so dumb. Her JOB as a daughter is to do what is BEST for her mother. NOT what her mother wants/tells her to do. Neither one of MIL's kids seems to have grown up, ever. Only absent one ever had the guts to tell his mother "nope, not taking this manipulation anymore".
If SIL has agencies lined up and a room for her mother to lie quietly in, that's fine. This weekend will be pretty fraught, though if she needs urgent support I dare say she could get it at a price. SIL would also do well to create a new speed dial list comprising
laundry collection and delivery service
grocery ditto
take out ditto
friendly neighbourhood drug dealer [no scratch that]
The advantages - it is important to remember that there are some - will include not having to drive, park, pack, unpack, repack, remember what to take where, be in a particular place at a set time, or run around hospital corridors.
What do you suppose would be done for MIL, medically, at a rehab facility that can't be done at home? If she's going to stroke, she's going to stroke. It won't make any difference where she is. (probably not a haemorrhagic stroke, by the way, not unless she's seriously overdosed on the meds; more likely an infarction. Not that that makes a lot of useful difference either).
And if there isn't anything to be gained from rehab in terms of outcome, and SIL is appalled by the setting, and MIL is wretched, what's the point of leaving MIL there? To what purpose?
I think, to be honest, that DH is right that she shouldn't go back to ER unless there is a clear idea of what might usefully be done for her. That said, I also privately think that DH should put his tuches on the table and go and visit his mother and sister. It's one thing to be philosophical about letting what will be, be; but he might at least set an example. And empty the odd commode.
I've all but ruled out what I thought we might do, fly there for xmas. We'll be out of town that next week, camping .. and so .. too hard/expensive to be doing two weeks, one in IL and the other glamping with my family. The reservations are already made for the New Year's celebration with my family at a campground.
I asked him, "Maybe instead of going with me to my mom's for T-giving .. maybe you fly to your sister's and visit your mom?"
Answer from him (already knew this was to be the plan), "No, I'm going hunting with my cousin .. no". We will go to my mom's for T-giving .. he has a cousin that lives about 2 hours away and they are hunting buds .. and he was to drive the two hours add'l .. after we finish our T-giving meal and will spend the remainder of the T-giving weekend there at his cousin's .. to hunt. I already knew that was the agenda .. but thought I'd throw that out there as a possibility of a time that we might consider as to when he could fly up and see his mom.
He asked "what about maybe early November".
My answer to that (at least at the time we had that discussion a few days back) .. "I don't know, that's almost right upon us here .. and I think it's gonna be essential that she get to Rehab .. find out what the course will be there ... as to her stay .. and how it's going .. and then maybe yes .. maybe that'd work .. but not right now, not while she's in the hospital .. .miserable at all the screaming/yelling patients around her .. and sister is there holding her hand with the "there there mother dear" .. she's to be released to a Rehab unit .. and maybe once we see what that course will be .. then ..
So we kinda left it at that.
As we now know, the Rehab stay wasn't to be .. SIL nixed that.
At least there is some initiative on his part, to try to look at when it might be suitable that he get up that way and visit. Not yet ironed out as to when.
As to the Rehab stay that now isn't to be. I don't know that I held out much hope that would see any marked improvement in her state of being. I happen to think that ship, for the most part, has sailed. But what do I know, I'm not a physical therapist, or a doctor or a case manager or any of the above.
But I had hoped that more eyes, .. more eyes that know the route of such things .. would be on all this .. and maybe the path greased as to sliding into AL, .. via this Rehab stay.
I'm so angry at SIL, no matter what way I try to shake it at this point. Try telling myself, "she isn't thinking clearly herself, no time at all behind her own ailments .. and she was up and running on that hamster wheel full tilt .. with her mom's garbled speech and hospitalization and then the discharge from that and at it again, with a hospital stint for her mom due to confusion/disorientation. She isn't thinking clearly.
But even still, .. I come to the conclusion she should've had enough damn sense .. that sitting holding her mom's hand there at the hospital with the 'there there dear' ... she could've been out and looking at what rehab site they were sending her too, deciding it wasn't suitable .. routing this elsewhere.
But she's too busy at the hospital with the "there there dear" ..
What is she doing, all this time?
Well .. for one thing, she's there, to be sure when docs come and go, she gets the skinny on the details ongoing (can't count, at all, on her mom to relay those details with any accuracy). On that particular point, I had advised her .. "leave instruction for them to call you, they'll do so .. ". But the response had been, "Well really, I need to be there .. she needs help with even the simplest of things .. she can't even deal with the food trays left for her, can't get the lid off the bowls .. can't get the utensil thing open to get her utensils out, can't get the no-salt packet
One of the primary differences I see is the wear and tear on old SI - given her knack for over compensating and all. And, then of course there is poor B.
But as far as SIL goes - I have to say that at this point I don’t have a whole lot of sympathy for her.
As the saying goes “she’s made her bed - now she can lie in it”. And in this case, she’s made her bed - with MIL in it. Now she can lie in it next to her and wait for the next blast of diarrhea.
Hope SIL took notes on how to change the bedding for a person who is unable to get up out of the bed.
What a cluster F!
Can't get the no salt packet or pepper open .. she just can't do it with her arthritic hands .. and besides that, she's just so overwhelmed and it's so miserable there, .. the lady in the room next to her yelling out all the time in whatever foreign accent she's speaking .. and down the hall, that guy yelling out all the time, you feel like you're in an insane asylum .. I help her get cleaned up every day .. wash her face .. and brush her teeth and brush her hair .. and so forth ..
My response to that: "SIL there are staff there to attend to those things ... maybe not right on the spot ..may have to wait . but what else has she got but time .. to wait ... let the staff handle it".
She wasn't willing to do that, thus .. no leaving mother's bedside to go check out sites.
She said that her daughter M, has gotten some info on AL sites and wants the two of them to go and visit some of them .. .this is when MIL was in the hospital .. and she'd indicated that maybe when they get her into Rehab .. she and M can go and look at, and talk to some of these sites.
I don't know what she intends to do now .. now that she brought her mom home. And I can't imagine what M's thoughts are at this point.
I haven't put in a call to M, she isn't anyone that I ever talk to . our paths don't cross really. And I have nothing at all kind to say about the whole set up .. so I haven't called.
Don't know what SIL intends to do about the whole saga .. her words: "her whole stay here has been just one disaster after another, she just wants to go home to FL .. she just begs me to take her home to FL ... besides that .. she is already not liking the weather here. But I just don't know how that can work".
Those were her words.
My response: "It won't work".
I know that SIL's premise has been that any AL setting or (NH?) needs to be in her proximity ... she can keep the dog .. bring the dog for visits .. she can keep a finger on the pulse of the goings on .. and be of help and be a part of her mom's life. But her mom .. apparently DOES NOT WANT TO BE IN IL ..
Her mom wants, first and foremost, to be returned to her home, just her and the doggie and all of ya'll shut the door and leave me be.
Will SIL be of the mind, that can't happen, or deposit her back in her home, .. Team MIL at the ready (yea right).
Will SIL up-end her life once again .. and come to FL .. and stay with her mom, all while working the angle of AL placement here in FL .. and the disposal of the contents of the home .. in other words, stay the course here (we will help on this end, and she knows that) .. the weeks/months that is to take to get it all done .. if it's even possible. Will she do that .. as her option? And let's not forget that all important impediment, or supposed impediment to bringing MIL up that way, that basement work, which has yet to commence, .. but I'm sure is to do so imminently .. is she going to depart that whole scene for parts this way .. in the effort to work the angle here in FL .. to get her mom placement here ..
Is she going to sell her home and uproot her husband and his medical specialists .. all in the endeavor of making her mom's last days happy ones, by her kitchen window.
And anything short of having the doggie nearby for a visit .. not gonna be something MIL will abide by.
And as we've seen .. SIL not one to go against the grain of her mom's wishes.
I can't even talk to her right now. I don't want to. I have nothing useful to offer.
In fact, as I ponder what might be the next communication from her, I almost wish it would be something of a nature that things are in a spiral ... "Oh no Dorker mom has gotten horrible chitapalooza again", ............. or maybe ................"oh man Dorker, mom just cannot remember her meds .. I have to remind her every time" ............... or maybe ................."I don't know what to do here, she seems to be getting confused and
"she seems to be getting confused and disoriented again, not sure" .... or maybe ........ "Oh man Dorker . this is all so bad ... she was already so weak and frail and this whole mess over the last couple of weeks .. she can't hardly get up and down anymore, or get around .. it's always been bad .. but now it's even worse".
I almost wish her next communication would be along those lines. I know how to respond to that.
"Don't know what to tell you anymore, I guess you guys better get the realtor on it .. and get your house sold and plan on moving her here to FL where she wants to be .. that seems to be the only option you can stomach as you deal with her, good luck to ya".
That's exactly what I'd say to her.
But I know her, .. the next communication will be a little snippet of a positive so as to affirm she did the right thing in bringing her home. It will be something akin to, "wow .. mom remembered her meds this morning .. I didn't even have to remind her". To which I'd like to reply "for now .. hang tight .. we'll see if that sticks". Or she might send along a little positive spin on .. "gee, whatever that confusion was about, it's gone .. she doesn't seem to have that anymore, so glad she's back here .. she's resting better". To which I'd like to reply, "til the next time".
I just don't have anything further to add. And certainly not anything nice.
SIL has absolutely been run over by a freight train since her mom arrived there, .. between her mom arriving there and trying to wrangle the chitapalooza under control .. and then the dog and his problems and her husband going manic . and then herself with her strep and resulting bad reaction from meds and hositalization and then MIL and two hospitalizations within a week .. she's been run over by a freight train. And she has said so more than once, that this is all too much for her to stay after .. she can't do it.
So I don't know what course this all takes going forward.
I do know that she had mentioned more than once, working her mom along as to the option of AL .. and that she's having to spoon feed it in baby sips ... that it's a lot of sadness and a lot for her mom to digest .. and how sad it makes her mom .. and so she was taking it in baby sips .. just little by little.
I don't know where it goes now. I'm at a loss.
Ugh!
That's where you go, Dorker. OUTSIDE of it. Post flowers and chocolates under the door if you like. Try to let the noise wash over you.
There is going to be a lot of wailing from SIL because this is a horrible time for them. So there will be *anyway*, whatever they do. Let go of the idea that you contributed to the cause, or that you can do anything to cure it. You did not make MIL old or ill, you did not make these choices.
Calm, calm, calm.
There will be some who advise .. "your job Dorker, at this point, is to stay out of the fray and be of whatever support you can .. from afar, moral support, as SIL weathers all of this".
Sounds good right?
I am just about done with doing even that. I know that she does (seemingly anyway) appreciate having me to bounce things around as she weighs at and ponders and pontificates and so forth. Me, someone who knows all this, in and out, far too well, more so than anyone besides herself.
That probably would be a good thing to do, as folks in this position certainly need all the moral support they can muster from any direction they can find it.
I don't know, where I am .. in all this. I want about .. not a 10 foot pole, but a 100 foot pole away from it all.
I am weary of saying the same things over and over and over. It's pointless.
SIL has lamented before . any placement that her mom might find herself in, set up in IL. The weather there. I have said it til I'm sick of saying it, .. "the weather really .. is of little impact to her, she is house bound, .. she lives in FL for crying out loud and we can't even get her into a car driven by us .. to bring her here to visit with and enjoy a family get-together .. she isn't able to do it .s he's housebound".
We've covered that ground, so so so many times. But then yesterday she laments .. that her mom so wants to go back to FL . .that she is already not liking the weather there. Why even mention that . that ground has been covered ad nauseum. My input has been provided countless times on that topic.
We have covered the ground, so so so many times that her mother "clearly can't live alone any longer".
Yet she laments the piece about, "she begs me to just take her back to FL .. *but I don't see how that can work*".
Does she expect that I will say something .. after all the "clearly your mom can't live alone anymore", which has been said so many countless times. Does she expect I will say something like, "Well bless her poor soul, yes I understand .. yes by all means, bring her back as fast as you can .. can you be here tomorrow ..???....I'm sure that we can all pitch in and make it work, us and the flying monkies and the Team MIL".
I KNOW that this is all INCREDIBLY gut wrenching and hard stuff. I know, I know, I know! Nobody ever said this would be easy. I think it's more difficult even than most are .. and most are horrible .. but her mom and her cognitive impairment(s) or narcissism or whatever you want to define it as .. and her insistence that pulls at SIL's heart .. that she so wants to be back in FL .. in her home, makes these even more difficult .. I'm guessing.
I know it's hard.
And most folks in SIL's situation need all the moral support they can muster, I get that, and in me, she has found that for a long long time .. as we worked "together" for a number of years in this endeavor.
But I am finding that I repeat the same things over and over, and it all just routes back to SIL and her intransigence to make anything happen, and I'm tired of saying it.
In the end, I know Emily Sue's words from way back when .. what you want to do is work together if you can .. because one day she will be gone, and it's best if the family is all one in unison and not left with not speaking to one another at that juncture.
I get all that, I really do, and that is my end goal here .. I don't wish to be another party to all this that is (like long lost brother) .. not on speaking terms with the parties that be.
But I find that I just want to say to her, "do whatever you want .. I wish you well, ... hope it works out for you, and I'm sorry you're having to endure all this .. but it's pretty apparent to me that my input in it all, isn't helpful .. and/or .. followed .. so do as you will, .. and I wish you well".
I've said before, she and I both on the same page .. "this is all just incredibly hard stuff, but it's life .... we'll get through it, others have and we will too". All that has been said and talked about, countless times ..as I try to be there in support of all this .. from afar.
I've listened .. countless times .. to her complaints (and they are real, I know they are, I don't doubt that) .. that she hates this for her mom . that she wants her mom to be happy .. that she knows her days are waning . and she just wants her to be happy and safe .. that she wishes that she had millions of dollars and could hire around the clock care for her mom, in her own precious home .. by her beloved kitchen window".
I've listened countless times to these lamentations. And countered that, .. with the appropriate empathy and understanding .. that I too wish that .. I'm sure everyone does, everyone that faces these junctures .. but I also wish for world peace and harmony, and no more starving children, and that's about as likely to happen as the above.
I've listened to her .. countless lamentations that she wishes she didn't live so far away .. that if she lived here, she could be more a part of her mom's world, and do _____________ and ___________, etc.
"No but the reality SIL is that your life and your husband are in IL .. and that's where you have made your life .. the reality is that when the person in need becomes to the point they need more help .. that person has to go where the help is .. it's done all over this country every day of every year .. it's not realistic to expect that others uproot their world and their existence .. not for something that is .. in the end .. temporary .. long-term temporary but nonetheless .. temporary .. she will be gone one day and you haven't expressed any desire to live in FL .. so . uproot your lives and come this way for what?, she is going to have to come to you".
This and so much more, so so much more, has been said in her bouncing off of me, the various laments and wails of all this .. so so much more.
But then she says things again .. and again .. like "she just so badly wants to be taken back to FL .. she hates the weather here .. she doesn't want to be in IL, FL is her home".
So I want to say to her (but I'm just about done here offering any advice at all) .. "SO .. sounds to me like, you work from that end, .. and I will do so if you'd like .. also .. to find suitable setting here in FL, that isn't her home .. and we get that lined up ..and then her next plane adventure is straight to that setting .. not to her home. Short of that, .. I'm guessing your next option is going to be call the realtor and get your house sold .. and then you and B .. and important here, B .. who she detests and can't tolerate . and why you'd subject him to that is beyond me, you can uproot his life .. and ya'll all come live with her, and take care of her, in her precious home that she so loves and that kitchen window where she ponders life go by her daily .. I'm guessing that's the next step, I don't know what else to tell you".
That gets met with .. "yea but her dog, if she'd just stay here, . in a site here .. I'll take her dog .. he's good for B, in fact ... I'll take him .. and I can even bring the dog to visit her wherever she is here .. but being in FL in a site there . it's just not going to work .. she won't be here where I can help and be a part of her life .. and she will have already lost so much .. and now to have to lose her dog too .. the dog she loves more than even her own kids .. I won't be able to be as much a part of her life .. and I certainly won't be able to bring the dog back and forth to visit on any kind of routine basis.
This kinda thing goes on.
It's like she's looking for her mom .. who won't .. can't .. she is impaired folks get that thru your head DH and SIL .. she's looking