I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
You're not expected to say anything meaningful!
This is an exercise in finding 1001 ways to say oh dear poor you sigh gosh I understand tsk well i don't know what do *you* think...
without losing your temper or swallowing your own tongue.
Except. This is not at all pointless. This is being there for someone for whom there is no other help. Don't ever think it doesn't matter.
If you can't stand another second of it, tell her you'll be out of contact for a little while - urgent appointment in a nuclear bunker, taking kids to a movie, breast enhancement surgery, anything. Or put her on speaker phone and do something that takes most of your conscious attention.
This will pass. You will get through it. Hugs.
She's looking for her mom to have the wherewithall to say something akin to:
"Well let's see here, I can see now that I have to go somewhere to live .. gee that sure doesn't please me, but okay I have accepted that (not gonna happen) .. and so now let's look at this .. I sure don't wanna be in IL .. I don't like it here at all ... so that means I guess that I'll need to be okay with being in a site in FL .. I don't wanna be in a site anywhere but my home .. but okay .. so let's look at this .. that's gonna mean that I lose any meaningful way to spend time with my dog, .. so let's weigh this out here,.. do I want to stay in IL .. where I hate the climate ... it's not my home at all, and go to FL .. and then in trade I get to enjoy my dog as much as you can get by to bring him .. or gee, do I really like FL so much more and want to be in FL that bad . that I will forgo how much you can be a part of my life but more important .. I have to come to terms with, for the most part, waving bye to my dog .. for the practical foreseeable future . which do I want. Let's see Daughter of Mine .. I guess I'll opt for _________________, there you have it, so the decision is made for you now .. no more teetering and wringing of hands and gnashing of teeth .. let's get moving here on the whole thing and get the wheels in motion".
It's almost like that's what she is looking for. For her mom to take the reigns and provide the direction forward.
It's not going to happen. Never .. not even when pigs fly. It's not going to happen!
What you are going to continue to hear from her is that she wants to go to FL .. to her home, just she and her doggie .. and that she doesn't want to be in IL, it's not home to her .. and she does have some awareness of the tax this is putting on SIL and her well being .. she does seem to have some awareness there .. and so she will lament some . the mother will .. that she doesn't want to continue burdening SIL .. that she has enough to deal with in her husband .. and so she wants to go to FL (but to her that means to her house). What you're going to continue to hear is all this circuitous, round and round and round we go, where it stops .. no one will ever know.
I try to give her direction and focus . or have .. as this has all played out .. and it's all for naught.
I'm just spent with trying to provide clarity and direction only for her hop back into that merry go round of "but this but that".
No SIL .. there isn't going to be a magic fairy that shows up and waves a wand of magic dust over MIL that makes her restored and youthful again, that's not going to happen. This is tough tough, horrible stuff .. but there are worse things .. and others have weathered this and we will too .. we'll get thru this .. but you have to keep in your mind that your mom is going to be unhappy no matter what the setting, short of the servants she seems to think she deserves .. to jump at her beckoning . but even then she isn't happy ... doesn't like all the coming and going from her house .. and no there won't be any restoration . of some youth and vitality in all this, that somehow she finds herself back to her 40's and able to manage just fine .. so you need to figure out what direction here, and it's going to be you and your brother that have to take the reigns here and not let her mandate the direction.
I've said it and supported .. and supported and supported. It all just goes round and round ..
I haven't talked to her today . and if I did I have no doubt, it'd be more of the round and round and round we go.
She's been told by more than just me, when the person who "needs" .. becomes such that they need so greatly, that person has to go to where that need can be met. It's been said and said, by more than just me. But here we are, .. and in the roundabout that never changes. Intransigence .. thru and thru.
You had it about right, what you need to say to SIL at the end of every conversation. I added something to the end, and it is very important that she understands that before she tries bringing MIL back to FL and depositing her in her house again.
"I wish you well, ... hope it works out for you, and I'm sorry you're having to endure all this .. but it's pretty apparent to me that my input in it all, isn't helpful .. and/or .. followed .. so do as you will, .. and I wish you well, but I am no longer available to care for her and I WON'T enable her to be back in that house. Clearly she cannot live alone."
First thing I would do is set her up in her own bedroom with a chair, TV, her bed, and anything else at all she requests to make her content. Forget expectations of her resuming adult functioning. (ie remembering her meds, appts, diet, whatever) Ain't gonna happen. If SIL remains the caregiver, she is going to be forced to change her mindset. Either that or pay the consequences. At least letting her stay mostly in her own room right now might give SIL and BIL a little peace while regrouping their thoughts.
My mom (and grandma) never stopped mourning about "going home". My response was like - Sure wish you were able, Mom. I'd love to see you there too. Wish you were able to get stronger... Guess it's in God's hands and we'll see what happens, and how the doctors feel things are progressing.
A lot of times, just empathy and firmness are all they really needed. Understanding and agreement that yeah, it is hard and sad, MIL. How can we help make it more pleasant for you right now? Some very small things can sometimes bring some big comfort. Like my mom - she wasn't to drink alcohol due to her meds, but she really wanted just a small glass of her favorite wine with her dinner. She had been deprived of it for so long... My logic said, why the heck not? And I asked the doctor and he agreed - a small 1/2 juice glass was not going to make a bit of difference at this point. We have a cherished picture now of me, my husband, and mom doing a toast, and her with a huge smile because she got her way.
He is so far removed from the situation--says he "hates all this for mom" and then puts killing animals in the #1 spot of responsibilities. (I am not anti-hunting, just pointing out the ridiculousness of his priorities!) Oh, poor mom, poor SIL...I gotta find a minute to give them, but first I HAVE TO GO HUNTING. Too reminiscent of last year's situation when he went hunting and she fell or something....he really doesn't care, does he?
In June my DH suffered from 2 major heart attacks. They were totally out of the blue. Once he was dxed with first one, I called my kids. DH was ambulanced to the facility that could handle angioplasties. It was not expected that he would live. Within 12 hours....my son had jumped in his car in Seattle and driven all night to be with his dad--my daughter jumped in her car and drove 10 hours from San Jose to be here. THAT'S WHAT FAMILY DOES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now, I didn't ASK the kids to come. I just told them the facts and sat and waited in the hospital while DH had 3 stents placed. 2 daughters and their DH's WERE there with me, literally surrounding me with love and support as I contemplated the very real possibility I was going to be a widow at 62. The kids came b/c they love their dad and me. They needed to be here. I have a daughter in VA and she was crying her eyes out and texting me nonstop for 2 days. Couldn't leave, had a brand new baby. Her hubby is a Dr., so he was able to disseminate the information for her.
My son bothered to stop in Boise to talk to my niece who is a diabetic/cardiac dietician. Together they drew up an eating plan for DH post surgery. THAT'S WHAT family does!!
No wheel spinning, no wringing of the hands, no "what do we do now?" just action and support.
I'm not saying my 5 kids are the best people in the world, but dammit, they know how to focus, plan and HELP in a crisis.
SIL had 3 days to find a decent rehab facility. She didn't. She sat by MIL's bedside, wringing her hands and commiserating with her over the lousy twist her life has taken. 3 days. The magical 72 hours when she could have found an acceptable NH. And no, they don't have a ton of choices, but no doubt she could have found a better placement and in a few days made it as "homey" as possible. MIL's choice to spend all her money on frippery and junk has caught up with her.
SIL is so weirdly twisted in her life with her mother. It's beyond anything I can fathom. It's certainly not healthy.
Maybe you SHOULD call "M". She sounds like she has a pretty good head on her shoulders. Maybe she can tour some NH's. I know you can, in fact have people placed w/o that 3 day pre-placement hospital stay. SIL is just afraid to make MIL mad. It's time to face facts: this old gal has long since lived past her sell by date, and the fact she has not planned, has made it near to impossible to help her.
Dorker--my heart just aches for you. You are reliving all the same things over and over and over.....I wish you could go away for a few days and simply "be".
SIL can carry on with her delusions about bringing mother home to FL, but it's not going to happen. She can't wrap her head around it. DH NEEDS to be in IL making these life altering decisions.
I'm still thinking the letter stating your complete withdrawal of support is necessary. Not talking, not texting. WRITING. Short, sweet and to the point.
MIL will have more incidents, Likely she'll be back in the ER in days. IF a decent NH is found by then, there's a chance she'll be OK with it. Actually, SIL will probably move right in with her.
And HOW can they sell her house if she refuses to appoint a POA? Don't think it can be done. That money would sure come in handy right now!
Just....so sorry for you.
Deep breaths. We all have our own ways of coping.
Buggering off and leaving everybody else to deal is certainly one way. Now why didn't we all think of that?
DH reminds me greatly of my youngest brother, the one who always said to me and my other younger brother "whatever you guys think is best" and visited twice a year. We called to tell him mom had been placed on Hospice. My other SIL called him back to say "get your butt up here tomorrow if you want to see your mom one last time". And he did.
I don't know if it's a guy thing, or a youngest thing. My little brother certainly had a different relationship with my parents than other bro and I did. His disinterest caused DB much angst.
Dorker, FWIW, I don't think SIL is trying to get you to "step up" to accept caregiving her mother in FL. She's just venting.
I would just emphasize to her "your mom is no longer processing needs and wants rationally. She is no longer taking the needs of others into consideration. Maybe you need to bounce some of this off your daughter to come up with a workable plan; your mom clearly needs more help that YOU can give. Either you need to be able to set up substantial home health or find a facility that she will stay in".
That would be my tack.
"I wish you well, ... hope it works out for you, and I'm sorry you're having to endure all this .. but it's pretty apparent to me that my input in it all, isn't helpful .. and/or .. followed .. so do as you will, .. and I wish you well, but I am no longer available to care for her and I WON'T enable her to be back in that house. Clearly she cannot live alone."
Perfect.
However, .. she will respond with something like, "well I have her here now and PT to resume, I'm hoping I can get her strong enough that she can return home .. I'm sure we'll have to see ...."
**on and on it goes until my head explodes**
Me to SIL: "read that again, ................ I won't "ENABLE" any setting that finds her back in home again .. I am no longer participating in it".
She apparently believes in fairy tale and candy and nuts and it's all gonna be okay. I, however, do not.
And yes, DH is set to depart after T-giving meal, and will head to go hunt with his cousin. There are various markers as to hunting season, opening of black powder, opening of archery, opening of gun .. and so forth .. and he hunts, . in FL, in GA and in SC .. all of them with differing markers as to the "opening" of whatever whatever whatever.
He should be forestalling any t-giving hunting trip perhaps .. in lieu of a visit to his sister's .. if not before then, and that is being tabled for discussion presently.
But look no further than his .. "why can't we all just hold the damn phone here, .. she gets confused and garbles her words .. just hold the damn phone, why do we have to rush her off to the damned ER".
He is not even in the same book much less, chapter and page .. as this whole saga. He is so woefully clueless as to the goings on.
As I asked him, "I'm not gonna take that approach .. were she garbling her words, or trying to wipe herself with Lysol wipes .. I'm not gonna walk away from that and say *oh well* .. are you?, .. Are you willing to do that?".
He is SO SO woefully ill equipped with any knowledge as to it all, he doesn't know the ins and outs of any meds she takes .. he doesn't know the ins and outs of any procedures she's had done .and why .. he doesn't know a lot about all this.
Folks, don't forget that for many years .. I ran in his stead on this end, placed me front and center with docs/procedures/meds/so forth . of course I'd have first hand knowledge. And he was patted on the head .. for a long long time, "there there dear, you just go on to work .. go on hunting, I've got this".
BECAUSE ........................I knew the inner workings of it all. BECAUSE .................. her few experiences with him running her to a doc office, .. was generally inclusive of .. definitely no stop for lunch anywhere, .. far too busy .. had to get back to work .. and almost always . him not there, present in the moment .. and on the phone conducting biz .. with contractors/customers . jotting down notes accordingly .. he wasn't "present" ....... he wasn't "engaged", the few times he ever did take her.
I don't fault him for that, not really. Partly that is all because he was patted on the head far too long and sent along on his merry way .. and who was at the helm of that, me and his sister. Assuring "we got this" .. precisely because his mother, .. will always hands down .. take his sister first .. as to help .. and me a close 2nd ..
I wouldn't want someone along helping me that isn't engaged ..
Pretty much clueless about it all. I had to bring him up to speed on this whole "inpatient" vs "outpatient" thing . him wanting to know why the he77 she's still in the hospital and miserable .. explain all that to him.
So yea, put him on a plane tomorrow and jet him on up to IL to see his mom and sister. He will be of the ilk, .. ."hold the phone here, why do we have to cart her off .. she's gonna get confused and so forth at times .. doesn't mean we gotta go now rush her to an ER
Doesn't mean we gotta rush off now to the ER where they're gonna keep her now and poke and prod and so forth .. and confine her there with a damn bed alarm and in the end, tell us not much .. just hold the damn phone on all that".
Well .. DH get a clue here .. your mom needs more care .. one way to get there, is thru the well greased path of Rehab .. and one doesn't get to that path without .. a hospital stay .. and one that was "INPATIENT" .. "Not to mention DH .. there is something very real out there, and that is this .. patients who are having a stroke, .. time is of the essence .. as to reversing any permanent damage .. I'm not a doc, nor are you and so I can't tell whether these garbled words and confusion ongoing is permanent and stroke related .. and so no .. we can't *hold the phone*".
His going there, and getting in the middle of it all would be more harmful than good.
I can't answer as to why he has no vested interest to get on the page and get informed .. I wish I knew. I don't. Easy to sit and wring your hands and say "hold the phone ..............", and "I hate this for her" .. but when you are a person who is absolutely clueless as to it all, .. maybe you should either sit up and get some knowledge or stay out of it. So far, he's been out of it.
He'll have a the long overdue "Come to Jesus" moment when he sees how BAD MIL is, despite SIL's best intentions.
You won't be there to intervene, or throw your 2 cents into the ring. In fact, have him go to relieve SIL for a couple days. 100% on him, all MIL's care. He'll be singing a different tune then.
My DH was so much like this in the waning days of his father's life. I just had to literally scream at him to get him to "see" what I saw. When dad fell and broke his collarbone and scraped a huge bloody mess on his arm---the lights went on. It was the blood, I guess. So much. He had to sit down on the couch, he was going to faint. I had to get dad cleaned up and clean up the blood and haul them both to the ER. Hubby was a mess. He finally saw what I saw.
You can't make him go and you cannot make him care.
I personally think SIL IS trying manfully to move MIL back to FL. Be wary--she's a sneaky one.
I suppose it's because he doesn't even offer a shoulder to cry on. You're doing that. Thank God you are! - but it's HIS mother, his sister, for heaven's sake.
Oh, bleah, let him please himself.
He offered, more than once.
Answer, . "No.. I mean, I'm having to help her all the way to toileting .. he really .. she wouldn't be comfortable with him helping her with that .. better I stay here and help her".
She won't let him help ..not really. He'd be one more person that she now has to contend with as to, "well gee, we'll order out pizza .. now how many of us are there here?".
She might would, . maybe .. ask him to "Hey brother, would you mind running down to the basement for me, to fetch that load of clothes in the dryer .. would you mind .. go heat up the grill and we'll grill out burgers .. ".
But hands on care of MIL .. no way she'll defer on that. Not a chance in hades.
Has anyone discussed that? I think that is what is meant by "hold the phone" and "why do we have to rush her to the ER?".
But it also means that she needs 24/7 care.
Where will that take place?
MIL can do, in that bedroom, the same thing she does in FL - sit and watch TV or stare out the window. SIL and hubby need their living room back. She needs to have as much "normal" as she can.
I know someone who stayed a week with her daughter and SIL after a long hospital and rehab stay. The daughter wanted to make sure her mom could truly get up and down and do the things it took to live safely. They said the mother had their entire (huge) house in a mess before she left. She would strew newspapers from room to room sitting in one area, reading a section, reading another section in a different room, etc. She left wadded tissues everywhere, usually on the floor. She left clothes and shoes in the living room, kitchen and den. She would get up in the middle of the night and get a snack (sometimes cooking an egg) and leave food and dirty dishes all over the kitchen, opening and closing cabinet doors, banging dishes, etc. She would blare the TV (didn't have one in her bedroom). Etc.
I think EmilySue was onto it with another point ... either SIL is going to have to form a new normal of sorts as to the c/g role she will now play or swallow the ugly nasty pill of doing the steps as to placement.
Neither an easy pill to swallow.
And Barb, I approached that Hospice topic with MIL and SIL both a few months back. With MIL ... I question her competency to hold any string of thought process together to be one that pursues anything of the sort. She is too far gone mentally IMO to hold and process in her brain, the concept of ANY plan.
SIL's take ... remember chief top spinner and gadget getter and one more this and one more that. Always on the page of fixing it ... her take one of "Well I don't even think she would qualify ... she's not imminently terminal with anything ...she has A-fib and CHF both controllable".
To my response "unless one no longer wishes that path... have we asked ... shouldn't we talk about it, or at least Palliative Care if not Hospice"
At that point her tunnel vision was on retrieving her mom once her royal son & crew depart and from there PT and breathing new life into it all.
I dropped it.
That's why I say the best approach at this point may be to wish her well and exit any support/suggestions.
She seems sold on holding her mom's hand and "you poor dear" .... and how it falls beyond that seems to be magical thinking.
It's pointless.
Do whatever works for your situation ... I have nothing more to suggest .. wish you well with it and just know that I don't endorse leaving her alone in her home any longer and want no part in it.
Oh poor SIL! 😢
Because yes I agree with this too
"I think EmilySue was onto it with another point ... either SIL is going to have to form a new normal of sorts as to the c/g role she will now play or swallow the ugly nasty pill of doing the steps as to placement."
Yes, of course. It was always going to happen at some point. Unless MIL died first, that is.
So this is the nasty sharp point, here it is, or it looks a lot like it. And you're right, Dorker, there isn't a thing you can do about it except wish her well.
You get to throw things out there to to SIL like:
"Have you thought about palliative care...or hospice?
Have you balanced your needs against your mom's needs>
Have you thought about engaging an eldercare attorney to help in all this?
Have you considered engaging an "elder care advisor" before making any decisions ? (I was amazed when ours told the simple expedient of NOT moving mom back to NYS because in NYS, a two person transfer was only allowed in a SNF, not in an AL. In CT and NJ, a two person transfer was okay in an AL).
There are SO many moving parts to this situation and what MIL WANTS is but a small part of it. What she can AFFORD it a much bigger issue.
For that reason, I vote for absolutely no Florida return - even if it is directly into a facility. Dorker and Family did their long stint - now it is rightfully SIL and her family's turn. (unless of course DH wants to volunteer to be the full contact person for the Florida facility. lol) SIL seems like she may rather enjoy daily visits and meeting the small, but still many needs that will arise even at the facility. And they do generally encourage visits and dining together and sometime outings if possible and stuff like that.
Hey - I found a link about Illinois in particular that might be helpful:
https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/when-medicaid-illinois-will-pay-nursing-home-assisted-living-home-health-care.html
For my mom, I was assured that once her available funds were spent down to the limit, medicaid would be quickly applied for to kick in from there on. Her house and one car would not count as funds for that to happen. Her ss check plus the extra (from her savings) was what I paid them each month from July-Dec. last year, which is when she died. We never reached the lower limit to apply for medicaid. We even did hospice for the last 3 months at the AL home, and mom's last days were as gentle and loving as I could have hoped. I treated each holiday as probably our last together, although I was a bit disappointed that my one sister and her family never made a visit, even at the end. My other sister did fly here for that last week, and I can't convey what a comfort she was, to me at the time.
If there is one thing I have learned, it is that in times of crisis, there is nothing in the world that means as much as a friend or loved one just being there. I just hope DH will realize that when the crisis arises, and that he will be prepared to hop on that plane at the drop of a hat, no excuses. I fear that the regrets when people don't do that may haunt them for a long, long time.
The fact that it was dismissed then does NOT mean that it will be dismissed now.
One of the things that you really need to hold on to is that this situation is fluid and that things that have been dismissed in the past may will now be accepted. And the fact that they have been pitched in the past may well make them more acceptable.
Just saying...
“No I can’t possibly do that.”
”You and your brother will have to develop a plan.”
”That sounds difficult. What are you and DH going to do?”
”I am unavailable that weekend. Take care.”
Even if DH “only” rakes leaves, mows the grass and takes over the washer, dryer & dishwasher for a week, he’ll be giving SIL’s household a measure of relief.
And if SIL has one scrap of humanity left in her, it will be a WELCOME measure of relief.
Or - longshot here - maybe DH can tackle SIL/BIL’s abandoned basement project. DH does heave-ho stuff like that for a living, right?
Clearly this family has difficulty spending time together. Especially without Dorker as the buffer, mediator and caterer. But ya know what? Tough sh*t.
DH needs to just do it. If he dawdles until the year ends.... oh, let’s see. Illinois weather is too harsh in Jan/Feb/Mar for a visit. Spring is probably when DH’s business picks up. Work like a dog through spring, summer and early autumn and voila! it’s archery season 2019.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
What’s it going to take for DH to get a clue? His only sister is old enough to collect Social Security, and she’s running herself ragged on behalf of Their Favorite Lost Cause. HELLO.
DH’s sister & her hubby need some relief. And someone other than a senile 88-y.o. to talk to.
Granted, sister has been making hare-brained decisions all the way. But she’s still DH’s sister. And this is an acutely rough time for her.
But in DH’s purview, people — including family — are either tools or obstacles. That leaves no room for a gesture of humanity. Toward his only sister. During a family crisis.
Damm shame.
I too think DH needs to make a trip to IL sooner rather than later. Way sooner than Thanksgiving. If he hasn’t already made plans by the time SIL starts unraveling then absolutely, certainly at that time. If SIL starts unraveling like she was when she admitted she could not handle caregiving for MIL, DH needs to go there, live it, see it, breath it, maybe then he can comes to grips with where MIL needs to be...AL if it can be done financially or a NH. My only fear is that if DH went alone he might agree to TRY to get MIL back to FL.
I believe when SIL started mentioning that MIL so wanted to be back in FL that was SIL baiting like she has done very often in the past.
So .. talking with DH this morning on when might be an opportune time to try to fly up to his sister's:
Me: "well let's see, ya know, your mom's 89th bday is Nov 5 .. maybe fly up there that weekend ...???....".
DH: "I don't know, I've got that so and so project that week, might be hard for me to go at that time, .. I can only go .. at the most anyway, like a long weekend".
disclaimer here ... that's all we .. either of us . have ever been able to get away at all, ever .. a long weekend .. such is the life of the self-employed.
DH: "I need to be there like a week or two, but I can't be gone that long".
Me: "Oh I know .. I know that's all we can ever do .. anytime/ever .. a long weekend, but hey it's better than nothing .. maybe if you want to try to go at that point. I mean, it'd be good .. maybe your sister would appreciate it .. and I know your mom would love to see you".
DH: "I don't know, I'm just gonna think about today for right now .. I don't know that I need to be up there and her begging me, when it's time to go back .. that she wants to go with me, to go back to her home .. and you know that's what she'll do ..".
Me: "Yes, she will .. and all you can do is . just say to her, *I wish you could go too ma .. but .. living alone isn't going to be an option .. you know that".
Me: "I just think it might be good if you could go up there and maybe the two of you bolstered together, could maybe put your heads together and come up with some more forceful persuasion that this is the direction this all has to go .. I hate it ... but the writing has been on the wall for a long long time .. and that's something you both are going to need to be together in unison to stand strong on".
DH: "She can't come back here and live alone .. that's not happening .. I can't even believe that my sister would see that, at all, as an option .. surely she's not thinking that ..".
Me: "Well I know that church lady "L" called there yesterday .. and spoke with your sister .. who is completely befuddled she says .. and just .. as "L" put it .. you can hear it in her voice, she is completely bewildered and doesn't know what to do .. she has some realization around the fact that this isn't good .. she can't take care of her mom . like she needs .. but .. her mom just wants to go to FL . she just wants to go back to her home .. and your sister is weathering this .. and then she talked to your mom .. and your mom said to her that it's cold there .. that her dog will freeze there, that it's not home . she doesn't want to be there .. Somebody needs to take the bull by the horns here DH .. this has been ongoing for a long while .. and your mom has been given the latitude to stay in her home .. longer than is healthy .. and she's gonna keep saying that .. and somebody is gonna have to be the strong one here .. and quit waffling on it all, .. I just think that if you were there, and you AND your sister both present that front .. she's gonna have to begin to come to terms with it, that her home .. living alone . is no longer even anything on the table for discussion .. it's not happening ..
DH: "I know .. and she will beg me to take her back with me, .. when I leave there .. I just don't know that I need to get in the middle of it .. until some clearer direction is at hand ..".
Me: "Maybe you are gonna have to BE that clearer direction in it".
No response. Crickets chirping .. quiet.
It's like I wanna scream . okay you and your sister both waller then, in the misery that is the fact that your mom can no longer live alone .. like millions of other damn people in this world face, . every day of every month of every year .. but no .. let's just waller in it all .. and ... just stay stuck in limbo.
I can't make him own the initiative to get up there and be a part of "fixing" this. I can persuade, cajole .. nudge .. but I can't make him own that.
I can't make him "own" that feeling within himself. If he doesn't feel the compunction to be a part of the solution and here and now .. then there's not much I can do.
The sad fact is the person who needs to be in the middle of it .. and persuading SIL and so forth, is ME. I am the one that can hit her every time with reasoning and logic on it all, and in her presence, and MIL's presence. But I'm not doing it. I just said . countless times, that I am just done with suggestions . it does no good. They'd obviously rather sit stymied with the sad state of affairs of not knowing what direction to turn .. or rather .. not swallowing the hard hard pill of doing what needs to be done .. and just Waller in the pity of it all, both he and his sister and do nothing.
The church lady called here yesterday wanting to know if there is any way to contact MIL now that she is situated in Rehab and how is it going. Of course, .. I had to tell her, the rug got pulled out from under that, and explain to her that they'd arrived there, seen there .. the folks are far worse off than is MIL .. and it was sad and just despair to them .. both of them .. so SIL pulled the plug on that, and they are now at SIL's house, not at Rehab.
"L": "oh no Dorker .. why would they do that .. did SIL go and look at any places .. while MIL was in the hospital . did she go and check out any of the places .. and maybe get a better feel for it all".
Me: "No L .. she was sitting bedside with her mom .. said she felt like she had to be with her, to help her there at the hospital .. that for one thing .. the floor they had her on there, .. I don't know why .. but next door there, there was a woman who spoke only foreign .. and she was screaming out all the time .. that she wants to go home .. and down the hall from her, some man hollering out all the time .. so it was very tumultuous there sounds like .. but not only that, she felt like she needed to be on site there at the hospital as the docs come in and out, to get the skinny on what the story is .. as to the tests and so forth .. and to help her mom .. things like, they bring the food try and she can't even open the packets and such .. her arthritic fingers . helping her mom to wash up .. just that and being there as emotional support in a tough time for her mom .
L: "Now doesn't she know .. I mean if she wasn't retired .. she may have had to be at work and couldn't sit there at the hospital .. when I had my mom and this was the kinda stuff that was ongoing .. I couldn't be there all day into the night, I had to go to work .. but I left the phone number and instructions for the doctors to call me .. doesn't SIL know they will do that".
Me: "L I am out of suggestions .. intransigence is the order of the day and I can't fix it .. that's the truth .. yes, I had suggested that, .. and no .. anything I suggest .. I might as well have saved my breath".
L: "Does SIL not see .. that if her mom needed that much support, in her presence there, .. that she needs to be in supported living somewhere, does that not dawn on her".
Me: "it should yes .. .and I think it does, but pulling that trigger to actually DO IT .. is a WHOLE other matter .. when you have this woman whining and teary .. and I just want to go home .. I want to go back to FL .. this isn't my home ............ and I don't like the weather here .. L ............. the weather has absolutely nothing .. zero .. to do with any placement .. you know, you go visit her .. you've offered to take her to lunch .. SHE IS HOUSEBOUND .. even here in Fl, when one can go outside and enjoy the outdoors .. just about 11 1/2 months of the year or more .. she doesn't go outside . . she doesn't go any where .. you know that yourself .. but somehow that card too is being played, .. the weather .. it's too cold here .. well she is in a climate controlled SIL's house or a site somewhere, hospital or supposed to be in Rehab . it's not like she
MIL can't live alone whether or not that fact is put on the table and signed up to. So, it doesn't matter if it's not acknowledged. It's true regardless.
I personally feel DH - btw, I've realised why I keep cricking my neck about it, it's because he echoes my eldest brother - should get off his arse and fly to IL. He should do this because his mother would like to see him, and it would boost his sister's spirits - not because it's useful, but because it would show that he cares.
He doesn't want to do this because his mother's unhappiness would cause him pain because he is unable to cure it. Oh dearie me poor man. He can't make his mother able to live alone as before. But he can acknowledge her unhappiness and offer her love regardless. Alas, sympathy for its own sake is something quite a lot of men fail to see the value of.
So if he cannot face it - I can hear ringing in my ears "your brother finds it so depressing to see your mother like this" - it will make no difference to what happens. It's fine.
You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. Let it go.
It's not like she is being forced to live out back in the shed or something with no heat .............. she is in a climate controlled setting, here or there .. doesn't matter .. but that card too is being played .. this isn't my home .. I want to go back to FL .. it's too cold here.
L: "I know dear, .. you're right .. I have offered a few of the times I've gone there, .. that I'll come back on such and such day and if she'll be ready to go . we'll go out somewhere and have lunch together and she always declines .. saying she's just not able to do it, .. so I agree with you, the climate/weather where she lives, really shouldn't factor in".
Me: "But you see, .. you have a sister to DH .. and ... she is just stuck in quicksand with it all .. and not able to take that giant leap forward of the realization this is going to be terribly hard . it always is ... but it's NECESSARY ............... she wants to stay stuck on .. we'll bring in HHC here and PT and just see where we go from there, and meanwhile her mom wails and moans . that she wants to be back in FL .. this isn't her home .. and nothing happens".
L: "I want to say that quite honestly MIL is being pretty selfish here, she isn't considering at all, .. nor is sister .. the impact this has on others, and that is a factor that very much has to be taken into consideration".
Me: "I don't know, at one time, . yea I thought selfish too .. but I think at this point L, .. I think she just isn't able to form a thought process enough . her cognitive abilities so diminished .. much like a toddler that is stuck on wanting to go to Disney .. and that's all they talk about . I think it's much the same, she just isn't able to even weigh out .. that takes sequencing of thought and order and organization to thought .. and she isn't able to do that any longer and in the interim you have SIL and DH both stuck in intransigence and not willing/able to pull the trigger".
L: So what is the plan now, .. do you know ..
Me: "I don't no .. I don't know of any plan .. I know that SIL was just gonna ride out this weekend with her mom there, having brought her home .. and going to .. hope/pray nothing goes awry . and then go from there"
L: "Oh dear .. well I will give them a call up that way later and I'll let you know if I reach them".
She did call me back much later and said she'd called there and that SIL answered (the very same SIL that couldn't make the time to meet this sweet person who has stepped into all this) .. and that she listened, as SIL talked, mostly SIL . that SIL is at a loss .. that she knows this isn't good .. and she doesn't know what to do .. and how hard this all is .. and that later she talked to MIL .. when she called back at the time instructed .. and that MIL seemed upbeat .. and positive (I said .. yea I'm sure she is, she is out of a hospital setting and a rehab setting .. shes' on top of the world right now, give it a few days . the doldrums of not being in her home will resume) .. said that she talked of never ever wanting to go to the hospital ever again . no matter what. And that she told MIL .. "well see, ya know, in some cases in assisted living .. they can help you and it doesn't mean a trip to the ER and being confined to the hospital .. and so forth.
They talked a while . .. her encouraging MIL to put it all in God's hands . and that for whatever reason the Good Lord hasn't decided to take her yet, so make the best of it as you can .. and that she needs to consider, first and foremost that she needs to be where she can have more help .. that she clearly can't live alone any longer. She said to that, .. MIL responded .. after a quiet moment of pause .. "I know, I know".
That was that.
Just ........... I am out of suggestions .. that's all there is to it.
The solution to MIL never going back to the hospital or doctor is palliative care or hospice.