I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
So, has SIL called discharge planning at the hospital to get a list of rehabs to visit?
I am on my way out the door so just have a minute. My knee jerky reaction is no, no, please, please do not think YOU need to be the one in IL trying to talk reason with them, DH, MIL, SIL!
My concern is you will do the arm twisting, MIL, gets into a facility and something dreadful happens suddenly. These two, DH and SIL will most definitely point the finger at you. We told you we didn’t want Mom in one of those places!
You put the bug in DHs ear. It’s obvious why he doesn’t want to go. He doesn’t want to tell her she can’t come back to FL.
if I read your post wrong, sorry. I should be outta here by now.
I haven't talked to the IL contingent.
Last I heard was when she pulled the rug out from the set up.
I don't have the gumption at this point to suggest anything at all. And I could bet money on it that hasn't occurred to her to do so and suggestions thereof would be met with excuses she can't leave to go visit rehab sites ... that she has to be there...her mom needs this or that ... she has to be there to help her .. and would be met with the magical thinking that HHC and PT upcoming, will be the next restorative whirligig to it all.
Don't have it in me at this point to counter with further suggestions that get countered with non sense.
At times I feel like that friend who keeps providing info, resources, a listening sympathetic ear to the friend who won't leave their terribly abusive spouse and always has an excuse ...
You just get done, after a while.
Your support allowed your MIL to remain in Florida and in her own home for much longer than would have been possible without you. Your insistence got her to the relative safety of her daughter's home. As unhappy as she claims to be there, she is at least being looked after.
You have seen that your SIL, for whatever reason, has not the will or the energy to oppose her own mother's trajectory, which will end badly for everyone. Your DH appears not to care a great deal about what ACTUALLY happens to his mother, only about how she feels about what is happening and can't bear to be witness to her being unhappy.
Give this some thought.
This is now DH's and SIL's call. You have your opinion, and the right to have it. They don't have the right to drag you back into the mess they've allowed MIL's life to become.
I LOVE that the church lady called. That maybe the most effective tool used so far--someone who is really very removed from the situation---weighing in and asking SIL WHY she wasn't working madly to find a better placement for MIL.
Sometimes hearing the same thing from a different person, makes a bigger impact. Who knows?
I do not want to think how your DH and his sis are going to handle MIL's demise, then she does go to meet the cloud. I think they are going to suffer mightily, to be honest. They're not even dealing with the "preamble"--how will they deal with the reality??!!!
I am so mad at your DH I could spit. Seriously. Poor guy, can't stand to see his mom so sad he won't go visit her??? WTH? Gee, I hope MIL has the thoughfulness to pass away after hunting season, or on a day that will only take a "long weekend" for DH to be off work/play.
TRY to get away this week. And try not to talk to SIL at all--just live your life. The whole idea of getting MIL to IL was so you could have a break--and it's worse than ever. Please take care of you. If DH doesn't want to deal with his family, then don't you do it. You've done enough.
Your SIL is giving me ulcers. HOW did she function in a career? I'm wondering about her state of mind!
He gets angry.
I don't blame him. I have tried to encourage that he take that anger and channel it towards direction in all this ..
His response falls about like this ... "Dorker I say all the right things and mom even agrees that I'm right ... sister agrees that I'm right .. but then the next time you talk to mom, it's more of the same, .. she just keeps reverting back like a damn kid that you've told em no ... she goes right back to her default .. that's not her home, ... she doesn't want to be there, .. she wants to be in FL. It's a broken damn record".
Here here! Yep.
He says of it all, "sister blew it .. she shouldn't of pulled the rug out from under the damn set up" then prefaces it .. "but we weren't there, we don't know how dismal it all looked .. she just didn't have the heart to leave mom in that kinda setting. But I'm here to tell ya, she starts with that about bringing her back here, .. she better be packed and ready to stay there with her .. I'll help . but I can't do it f/t and she can't live there alone ANYMORE!".
He's disgusted with the fact his sister didn't step away from the hospital and all the hand holding, to go check out rehab sites . and if she didn't like what she was seeing, .. work towards another setting .. and then just undid it all. He's angry .. and I don't blame him, I am too.
I don't think he has the patience/tolerance at all, ... to go up there to IL . and be of any use, in the respect of "direction" .. not when you have SIL running interference with all her whirligigs and excuses and one more this one more that.
As he put it .. "she can have at it, she doesn't want to follow through on anything that needs to be done, we've talked all about it .. and we will help on this end, if the setting is to be here, but damn .. make up your frickin minds .. staying there in IL, ..??....coming here to FL .. but wherever it is .. it's NOT gonna be living alone . PERIOD ........ ".
He doesn't have the makeup to put up with it. Nor do I.
As I told him, "just wait .. she will be letting us know that her plan is to strengthen her mom thru PT that is to commence, and then her mom will be "strong enough" to be left alone again, as she wishes in her home, just wait ........ it's coming ....... ".
He says, "No .. leave her there and in a week she'll be calling that she's got the chits again . or that she can't think right .. no .. that's not happening".
He can't even bring himself to call and check in on that end.
I don't blame him one bit. She can have it .. since all suggestions .. all the way from "bring in a psych eval", . "what was that cog assessment" .. "leave her and go visit some sites, she'll be fine there, that's what hospital staff are there for" ... all of them .. doesn't matter what .. goes unheeded with her nonsensical excuses while she holds her mom's hand at the pity of it all.
Have at it.
DH's take much like mine .. the weather one, in particular .. pretty much incenses him beyond all measure. His words: "That's all a bunch b'chit .. that's exactly what that is .. she doesn't go outside except to go to a damn doctor .. she acts like they have her out in a frickin tent or something .. she's inside sister's home .. get over your damn self with that weather b'chit".
I agree.
All he has to say is the equivalent "I know how you feel, mother" and then talk about something else. Ask how the dog is. Tell her about his day. There is no need whatever for him to bang on about where MIL is going to be living. And if *she* does, then he just says "well I just rang to say hi, must run."
It's really not that difficult. There's no discussion necessary - nobody is going to move MIL back home alone, whatever.
Hey - if SIL does rehab MIL's strength enough to even entertain the crazy idea that she could live alone again.... well, that would mean she could also live out her time in SIL's home with less care from SIL. So - if MIL's health rebounds, it may help to praise SIL and remind her that it is all due to her "wonderful" FULL TIME efforts, and obviously MIL's health does not last long without those continued FULL TIME efforts. "Thanks SIL - You are doing a helluva job! I'm so glad this move with you there for her FULL TIME has helped her so much. You are doing the right thing, apparently. Keep up the good work!"
(a little tongue-in-cheek perhaps, but basically the whole thing is SIL's choice at this time.)
SIL will either adjust to her new cg'ing role, or she won't.
My sister and I are very close, and we’re pretty strong people. But neither of us could’ve gotten our mom transitioned to AL alone. We had to sit and tell her that neither of us could do day to day caregiving any longer. Was it really awful? Oh yeah. I had to do the same thing with my FIL, telling him he couldn’t return home and in his case, AL was not an option. Except I didn’t have a sibling there to support me. Gut wrenching. But you still do it.
Definition of recalcitrant
1
: obstinately defiant of authority or restraint
2
a
: difficult to manage or operate
b
: not responsive to treatment
c
: RESISTANT
The word of the day is: Recalcitrant
On the other hand, I do understand the frustration that his mom gets fixated on going back home, and keeps harping on that, and he gets angry that he can't fix it. My mom does this too, except she gets fixated on coming back to live with me. It is very much like dealing with a toddler. I agree that he should still check on his mom, but perhaps change the subject when she starts on that track. Or end the call if it gets to be too much. Important above all just to let his mom and sister know that he cares and is there.
Right now besides this, I think the best thing you guys can do is just watch and wait. I believe it will be a matter of time before SIL REALLY can't do it anymore, and then it's time to resurrect the AL conversation. At that point, DH and SIL will need to present a united, unflappable front to MIL. I'd be surprised if it's not soon.
SIL does a stellar job ... in the past at least, coming here and standing on her head juggling plates with her feet....bringing all things MIL into a bright shiny functional.
That's been the gig for more than 2 years ... an essential live in CG for the duration of what would generally extend to about 2 or 3 weeks.
She goes back home... the wheels fall off the rickety bus pretty quick.
No one here to act in that capacity.
I'm the one that began some time ago pointing to the fact things run pretty okay .. with someone there 24/7 CG'ing....that she Obviously needs more support and can't live alone and take care of herself.
That's precisely what started all of this and yes it's been pointed out how she does better with that kind of support.
SIL's approach heretofore has been some feigned deluded vision that her mom is now
"Taking her meds"
"Stringer via PT"
"Recovered from ______"
"Realizes now she had to do better"
Take your pick ... the above and more. Justification she now resumes life in IL. Her mom stays put where she wants to be ... in her home.
And the directives flew hourly ....
"mom doesn't feel well can one of you go ck on her"
"Mom has the chits again .. she doesn't have BRAT type food can someone go get that and take it to her and ck on her"
"Mom says her hands aren't working"
"Mom seems confused and disoriented.. wonder if she's gotten dehydrated"
"Mom says her ankles and feet are swollen and painful"
"Sounds like mom needs _______ about the dog"
"Mom needs to get to the doctor/dentist"
"Mom needs her rx's ... I know you were just there this morning but she forgot to tell you"
On
And
On
It went .. the above and so much more ... that's why I drew some boundaries ... if she's fine to be left alone .. then she s fine that I'll come by one day a week... that's it.
Since I drew that line in the sand it's been a circus of SIL from afar trying to direct on this end as to all the need and MIL ... as old folks do ... has declined even further.
So yea "gee SIL..Looks like you found the magic bullet to all this ... she does so much better with your round the clock care ...looks like maybe we know the solution now"
To her "oh she's stronger now" ...or...."oh she'll take her meds now" ...or ..."she understands now, she has to do better" ...or ..."she's Recovered now"
As she deposits her in her home.
Same song different day and the directives from afar ...
Broken records
No problem. I actually love learning new words - I’m a total geek that way. Others may scoot by an unfamiliar word when the definition can be surmised from how it is used in the sentence. Not me! I stop - switch out to my Webster’s on-line app and look it up.
One of my all-time favorite words is “Exacerbate”. I can clearly remember the first time I every heard it several years back. I still get enormous pleasure in being able to legitimately use it in a sentence.
And - there are just so, so many opportunities to use Exacerbate here in this whole MIL drama! It practically make me giddy!
And if anyone dares to suggest that MIL has to see these places to "make a choice"--nope, not happening. She had time to do that while she was in Florida, if she'd been more amenable to adapting to her changing status as an elder who could no longer live alone.
Will there be an AL ............at all? Is she going to be returned to "live alone" .. ???.... now "strengthened" .. "now willing to see to taking her meds" ........... whatever the cockamamie next story line will be?
If there is to be an AL at all, is to be FL .. or IL?
Nobody in this whole sordid effing mess wants to take any initiative to clear forward progress .. everyone wants to wring their hands and poor poor pitiful MIL .. and she just is having such a hard time with grasping all this.
"So get a psych eval SIL .. maybe she needs some professional counseling to come to terms better with all this .. maybe that'd be beneficial .. maybe she needs to be on an anti depressant that has an anti anxiety component to it".
Suggestion made.
Follow through? None that I know of .. was a psych visit .. results, not mentioned.
I guess we shelve all that in lieu of "poor poor pitiful mother".
I've put it out there for DH that he needs to get on his agenda to head up that way ..............
I'm not saying it again ..
I've suggested all I can to SIL .. who .. is obviously far more concerned with how her mother "feels" than what the trajectory needs to be.
I can't keep beating a dead horse.
In fact, I think if anyone asks me, .. (it was asked of me .. a week or so ago, .. after the first hospitalization) .. would I begin to look into on this end, suitable AL's ..
I think if I get asked at this point, what have I found out .. it will be an answer that is very smart azz in tone .. and flippant.
"Oh is that the direction of the moment .. subject to change in the next 10 mins or so .. let me know when you guys decide what you're gonna do and I'll maybe ................. maybe ............ perk up and listen ..... maybe ... I'm about over it .. listening to all this. Been there on this page for a long long time, and said so .. and you guys seem stuck in quicksand with it all, .. I'm done".
I think about it all, .. even though I've had since Friday to digest that SIL undid the whole path forward in it. I think about it .. and even still, .. I just can't wrap my brain around how SIL justified .. that w/docs directing this to "inpatient" finally .. as we know .. almost never happens .. even with begging and pleading ongoing .. they finally changed that all important label .. and .. so then .. we could finally get that forward motion we needed to Rehab .. and from there, AL if needed .. and they directed it .. the docs .. in this path .. and I have to believe . the Rehab they recommended .. maybe yes depressing and dismal .. in the patients there .. and they are so much worse off, it was said .. it was just a sad depressing place .. I couldn't leave her there".
Somehow SIL found in that, .. that what the docs direction in it all, .. was somehow less important than what she found ..
So now the direction becomes HHC and PT .. outpatient .. in her home. Where she has said herself, .. she can't do this .. it's bigger than she can manage.
But .. she goes against what was ordered.
I just can't .. I cannot wrap my brain around it.
And no. DH hasn't been in touch with them on that end.
His sister did text him yesterday .. not me .. not a group text .. texted him. "I gotta get out and find a doggie coat for the doggie here .. it's gotten cold here already .. finally was able to get to church today. Me and B went to church today for only the 3rd time now in two months".
That was the sum of the missive sent his way.
No I didn't chime in, .. "do either of you guys wanna talk about the big 3 ton elephant in the room .. or just doggie coats and church".
I didn't bother.
I am guessing, the text yesterday from SIL, given her baiting technique, was along the lines of look you guys, look what I am going through. I can’t even go to church. I can’t get a dog coat for poochy. I am on an island here. I am a 24 hour caregiver with no support.
Call me unsympathetic, cold, but this is a mess of SILs own making. Welcome to 24hr caregiving.
I am guessing the rehab MIL was released to was within a NH with those dreaded NH patients visible to rehab patients. (Sarcasm). And that the patients there for rehab are mostly if not all very elderly rehabbing due to strokes, broken hips, catastrophic falls. In all honestly what did SIL and MIL expect.
I am questioning SILs decision to go to church along with BIL. Did they tie MIL to a chair or her bed. (Sarcasm). Or did they rely on MILs good judgement to just sit there until we get back. Don’t get up and go to the bathroom, you might fall.
All of the above is neither here nor there for you to worry about. Just me trying to figure out SILs reasoning skills or lack there of.
Divert and don't discuss the important/imperative issues at hand, but keep things light and non-topical .. and all the while, pull at the heart strings of poor poor me, and look what I'm enduring here.
I agree with you, 1000% her own doing. She has choices. Obviously those aren't the choices she'd like to opt for at this point.
So fine .. then .. only go to church sporadically as C/G allows .. and search the internet or wherever your heart warms to do so , to find a doggie coat.
But by all damn means, don't bring up anything at all that might be directional and on point to the matters at hand. Nope.
I'm so over it!
Just so over it.
And why don't I put any onus on DH that he doesn't take the initiative? I do .... I do put the onus on him .. and it takes prompt by me, .. and I try ........ but that ship too has sailed.
I'm not going to "fight" and "fued" with him any longer over the care and well being of his mom. Used to. I don't any longer.
Somehow, at least, in my mind, he gets a semi/sorta .. maybe .. half of a pass .. in that .. she's not in his care .. she's in SIL's care up in IL .. so she should .. be the one motivated to not concern herself with missives on doggie coats and sporadic church attendance .. but more to the point issues.
So be it.
Such is life with this dysfunctional sort.
I have a good mind, to call the long lost brother and just commiserate with him on why he exited this sorry bunch and doesn't speak to them anymore.
I won't ......... because I think what he did was beyond the pale, wrong . stand up .. talk about it .. (which he always refused to do, even with DH and SIL both .. reaching out to do so) ..... so I won't get in his corner.
But boy do I understand his exit stage left. I get it.
Don't both of these things actually bode quite well for MIL staying in IL? Er... good?
Look. If MIL stays at SIL's house for the foreseeable future, and SIL succeeds in making that manageable, what's your problem?
Personally I'd be knitting the dog his own beanie, with ear warmer reinforcements.
Short of a miracle cure that restores her functionality and SIL developing super powers.
The problem still remains .. MIL needs more help .. SIL says she won't be able to do it, said so herself .. (has that changed?, there's been no memo updating on that).
It annoys me, yes, that there is no forward progress on anything of what will be the answers.
It's not like SIL passed along, here after 2 days of having her mom home, 'gee guys .. looks like we found the magic path here .. all are well at this point, no chitapalooza ongoing . .mother seems lucid .. more so than before .. I think this might be do-able .. she even seems more agreeable, where she was so obstinate before, not wanting to be here .. in IL .. she seems more amiable to staying here, .. and it's working out alright" .
Would be nice to be updating one another on the status quo ..
Or maybe .. SIL brings up in convo with DH .. "Gee, got mom home here, .. just ..we're both so slung slow with all that we've been through .. we aren't making any decisions on anything right now, just trying to duck for cover at this point, from anything else slung at us .. it's been quite an ordeal here .. we'll need to be talking about things .. but just . letting ya know .. we got thru this weekend alright and are doing our best at this point, to just hang out and see if we can't make some forward progress".
Something. Anything.
But nope ..dog coats and sporadic ability to attend church.
It annoys me, yes. Just mere days ago .. we were on the page that we were going the route of a Rehab stint, hard fought for to get it .. but got it ....... and from there, .. it would either get better (to the extent it can anyway) .. or we'd go the route of AL, .. SIL having said she can't do this.
Now all of a sudden .. we have no talk of any direction. Yes, that annoys me.
I lost count of the number of times I told my mother, let alone anyone else who'd listen, that I couldn't do it.
SIL "couldn't", either, leave MIL in that rehab facility, could she.
It's just an expression of feeling. Just let it wash over you. They will tumble along the road and end up wherever they end up, no matter who says what or - failing a radical change in personnel - who does what. And as long as MIL doesn't tumble back into your lap, it's not a problem.
I suspect what would relieve you is certainty. Hm. Even with the best-laid plans, which in your case you have not got, it's a bit of a luxury.
Perhaps they are secretly hoping that some awful crisis WILL force the situation, to absolve themselves of all blame. Something to force the hand - whether it be a medical person's insistence, crisis or even the cloud...
In the meantime, all you can do Dorker is watch the show, help only in ways YOU choose with your own heart, and hold onto your faith that the Higher Power has it handled.
Meanwhile - enjoy your day! <3
Mood is probably not real upbeat at the moment.
And yes, .. their lack of any choice .. that's the choice they make.
I just .. I guess the whole piece about having asked me a week or so ago, .. would I begin looking into the AL settings here in FL .. and get some info together.
To me, .. another of the numerous rabbit holes, only this time, I'm wiser.
If I'd been spending my time/energy at this point, .. maybe going to visit some sites, talking with some folks, doing some research .. getting on the phone to sort thru some avenues forward .. only for things to remain in the balance and no answers from anywhere .. what intentions are .. I'd be livid. Don't waste my time.
Thus I really haven't looked into anything on this end, or spent any time researching or going to talk to any one . .or anything else.
So uhm .. should there be some decision forthcoming that IL is just not going to be suitable and Dorker what did you find out, did you ever go look into any of the sites there, did you talk to any of them?
Nope. You folks are gonna have to do a better job of talking with one another and bringing each party up to speed.
Last I heard you were bringing your mom home from that hard fought for rehab stint .. and gonna duck for cover for the weekend, I've heard nothing further. So, no ... I don't have a clue about anything on this end.
Best of luck to ya.
Ok Dorker, I know you are pizzed, but THAT was funny!
You have absolutely no power over any of them, but you have 100% power over yourself. Best thing to do is to not answer most of SILs phone calls, ignore 90% of her texts and only reply with a canned "I'm so sorry. I'm sure you will figure it out. She cannot live alone."
CM: Interesting take that you have .. that SIL maybe is finding that she has a "handle" on things .. finally, perhaps. And is able to surface to ponder doggie coats and her sporadic church attendance, and finding in that, . .maybe she has a handle on things.
I don't define it that way at'all. What I see, is someone further sticking their head down the hole in the ground and not facing the reality of the 3 ton elephant in the room.
I guess .. depending on whose perspective it could be indicative .. maybe of someone that is now feeling perhaps more in control of their existence. I've seen far too much keen ability at denial .. and living in that state .. to find in it, that she has a handle on things or might be getting there.
As EmilySue put it, the next calamity will befall the whole thing .. sooner or later, it will. And I know that, .. their failure to sit up and take note and take any action is where my frustration lies. They'll be at the cliff's edge next time .. w/whatever that scenario may be and not one iota any further down the road than they've been the last few years this has all been ongoing.
But CM is right .. they'll tumble along as they will, .. and as long as that tumbling doesn't land in this household .. then what's it to me.
That gave me some pause for thought. And I came to the conclusion that no, I don't wish to, run down rabbit holes of AL's that may never come to fruition and research thereof .. on this end, not interested, .. particularly with no clear direction as to where they would like to see all this head.
I was only able to think of one thing that "my heart" directs as to any participation and helping in it all, at this point. Were MIL still here, . she seemed to enjoy and value .. the time I'd spend with her there on my Thursdays. She isn't here in town at this point, of course, and who knows what the future holds. But that, .. I am not opposed to, .. spending time with her .. not with SIL .. not with directives from afar .. not with rabbit holes that have no end or goal in sight .. but spending time with MIL, that's it.
Even though, yes, that has it's bounds as far as the nostalgia that waxes on infinitely. But .. it's something she did seem to enjoy .. and I didn't mind it all that much, (with limits). Short of that, I can't think of a single shred of anything I care to step up to the plate to do at this point. Not hound DH about going there .. not field anything from SIL as to the goings on, on her end, not one thing.
Do you think she'd like a little "care package" with some things she likes - favorite fragrances, tea, snacks (that won't upset her stomach, of course), a picture of the grandkids?
It would probably be a welcome relief to MIL too, just to chat, not about plans, doctors, tests, etc, but just more of a "hey there, what's going on?" virtual/phone hangout, so to speak.
Dorker - it would be nice of you to call MIL and let her ramble on, even if it is about returning to FL to her house and her things and her memories and her poochy. Maybe pour a B I G glass of wine and put your feet up before dialing the number.
My DH is an avoider and wanted to avoid telling his parents "no" when they decided to help us buy a bigger house so we could all live together. He knew that it would be hell for him and a divorce proceeding from me. Yet he avoided "no". I told him that avoiding the discussion was still a choice even if he was not making a Yes/No choice. Your DH and SIL are chosing here also - and their choice means that when the inevitable happens - their choices for MIL care will be - what is available now? which might not be as nice as SIL or MIL want. In my case, my In Laws were chewing me out that we had not put our house on the market yet and I was the one that told them bigger house - living together was not going to happen. And when the chit hit the fan after that and DH was feeling pretty beat up by them, I was not very sympathetic. I reminded him that his choice not to engage and be up front was the course of action that allowed them to think all was a go and make plans.
Good luck to all!
But for goodness sakes - better get that doggie coat, or a few so precious poochy can look good and be warm.
BTW, he was at the same hospital each time and on the same floor each time (what I think of as the miscellaneous health issues floor, as opposed to cardio or surgery). Anyhow, he had the same hospitalist for 2 of 4 visits, the same PA for 2 of 4 visits. And....the hospitalist was the same doctor who took care of my mom on both of her ER admits in 2013. So, MIL may find herself being treated multiple times by the same doctor/PA, who will very quickly confront SIL and MIL that they want something changed...now. They will be kind enough, but very firm about it. As Kimber said, sometimes people stay home long past AL stage and go directly to NH. I see that happening here - MIL won't go to AL, SIL won't like any of them so they'll muddle along till one of them has a health crisis. Then you're scrambling to check out the few NH's with Medicaid beds.